Ask Dan and Jennifer » best friend

Q&A: My Best Friend’s Girlfriend… (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 17:00:01 +0000

It’s happened to many of us – our best friend’s girlfriend or boyfriend likes us, and we’re afraid of destroying their relationship. It’s a weird, uncomfortable type of threesome that can really weigh on everyone’s shoulders. What can you do in this sort of situation?

Question: My best friend’s girlfriend has feelings for me, and my best friend knows it but he still loves her anyway. I fear that her liking me is destroying their relationship because they are fighting all the time. I don’t want them to break up because of me, because they make the perfect couple. I need your help – what should I do?

–YouTube Viewer

Click here to view the embedded video.

What Can You Do?

Unfortunately, there is not a single thing you can do about how someone feels about you. You can’t change or stop their feelings, so if she likes you and has feelings for you, there’s nothing you can do to change that. So ask yourself these questions – Are you egging it on? Are you flirting with her and leading her to believe there is something going on between you? Or are you simply just aware that she has feelings for you? Everyone enjoys flirting, and it can be fun when someone likes you, even if you don’t plan on taking it any further than flirting. But in this instance, flirting back with her can be detrimental, no matter if you want to start a relationship with her or not.

It’s Time For A Sit Down

Everyone in this situation needs to have a sit down, heart to heart talk. Everything needs to get out in the open, because feelings that are closeted can only make a situation worse. Sit down with your friends at home, in a comfortable and familiar environment that is not in public. Don’t have this conversation over dinner in a public place! Have a few drinks to relax if you will, but anyone that has too many at this point is simply a ticking time bomb. Let everyone have a chance to speak here, because everyone is involved. Listen to your friend and his girlfriend, and keep an open mind.

Two Choices To Make

If you return your best friend’s girlfriends feelings, it makes the situation a bit more complicated. Both you her have a choice to make in this situation. Each of you must choose the relationship you value the most, and begin to pursue only that relationship. If you value the relationship with your best friend more than you wish to pursue a relationship with his girl, it’s important that you keep her out of your life as much as possible. If you want to try your hand at having a relationship with the girl, it’s time to say goodbye to your best friend. Unfortunately, in this situation, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. There’s no way you can pursue a relationship with her, nor can she pursue a relationship with you, without losing your best friend. Take some time to think about what really matters to you here and what you feel is the most important, because you might need to make a sacrifice that will change your life.

I’m In Love With My Best Friend. How Do I Tell Her? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 13:16:46 +0000

If you find yourself in love with your best friend, take heart. You’re not the only one! It can be intimidating, however, to think of ways to tell your best friend how you feel without risking losing your best friend.

You might be tempted to feel the situation out with your friend’s friends, or you might prefer the idea to keeping quiet. How do you approach your best friend if you have feelings for them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I really like this girl, I think I love her… But she’s one of my best friends and I don’t want to tell her about my feelings because I’m afraid that I will lose my friend. I told her friend about my feelings and I think she told her. Since then she’s gone all weird with me and doesn’t go out with me anymore. She always says that she’s busy or something. What should I do? Please help.

–Fizwan, England

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The Friend’s Friends

Bouncing the idea of hooking up with your best friend off their friends’ might sound appealing. You get an opinion that is as close as possible to your best friend’s opinion without actually being their opinion. Sure, it sounds great but in reality, this plan tends to backfire the most. What usually happens is the friend never keeps it quiet and approaches your best friend with the info.

While that’s scary enough, the friend usually puts whatever spin on it they like, based on how they feel about you. If that friend dislikes you or thinks you aren’t a good match for her friend, your best friend might hear a convoluted story. It’s not always this way, but if you tell your best friend’s friend your feelings, you can pretty much guarantee that your best friend will hear about it too.

Keeping Quiet

Risking losing your best friend over your feelings might sound like it’s too much to handle and it might be tempting to just stay quiet rather than risk the end of the friendship. Sure, if you stay quiet, you won’t risk losing your best friend over your feelings. But you might also be living an unfulfilled life.

What if you grow out of the friendship and end up going separate ways anyway, but you never got to tell your best friend how you felt? Think long and hard about whether you truly want to stay quiet. Make sure it’s a decision you really want to make.

Telling Your Best Friend

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Is It Possible to Love Two Men? How do I choose?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 22:42:59 +0000

Ponder this question for a moment…

Society teaches us that it is wrong to love two men at the same time, or two women for that matter.

At the same time we are taught to love everyone in our family unconditionally.

Is it because that love is not sexual in nature?

Why isn’t is possible, or should I say, why are we taught that it’s wrong to love more than one person romantically and to be sexually attracted to more than one person at the same time?

Think about this while you read this question and our answer…

The Question

I am in love with two men. Both say they love me and eventually want to marry me.

One is my best friend, the person I feel I can talk to about anything, and the person who has always been there for me and who I can communicate with and makes me laugh. However, I am not sexually attracted to him, although I love him and enjoy intimacy other than sexual intimacy. Also in order to have children we will need to have IVF to prevent a genetic disorder, which will mean suffering for me.

The other is not my best friend. We have trouble communicating and he is always running around with his many friends rather than spending quiet time with me at home, although he can be very romantic and loving. However I am incredibly sexually attracted to him and love him, and also I would be able to conceive with him naturally without IVF.

I am confused. I have tried looking inside my heart to determine who I love more…but that doesn’t work as I love them both for different reasons and for different qualities. I have tried writing up a list of things I like and don’t like about both of them but this doesn’t work either. I need to make a decision as I am hurting myself and them. I am scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it later when I realize I chose the wrong person.

My question I suppose is, is it better to marry my best friend even though I don’t desire to have sex with him, as I know that communication will always be easy with him, and will not something that we have to work at. Also I know he will always be there for me, never betray me to his friends, always understand or try to understand my views, and spend more time at home with me instead of constantly going out every night. I suppose my problem here is that sex is an important part of marriage and I am scared I just wont want to do it as often as him as I don’t desire it, which will mean his needs as well as my needs will not be met, and will hurt the relationship.

Or is it better to marry someone who you are incredibly sexually attracted to since sex is a very important aspect of a marriage, and work on the communication, even if it means always having issues that you will have to work hard to resolve because communication between you is something that has never come easily and will require a lot of work because you are each on different wavelengths?

In a way I wish I could put guy #1’s personality in guy #2’s body, then I would have the perfect mate. I just don’t know what to do. I truly love them both, for different reasons. I just don’t know what I should give more importance to in helping me make my decision. I suppose that another resolution would be that since I don’t know who I love more, I would choose that person who loves ME more. In that way I could be more sure about making the right decision. Both have done things to hurt me, and both have done things to show me they love me, albeit in very different ways….so I really don’t know how to get that answer either.

I just want to do the right thing. I have had ample time to think about this and time hasn’t helped, in fact it has gone on too long. Please help me.

Confused Sarah

The answer to Sarah’s question…