Ask Dan and Jennifer » cheating spouse

How To Avoid The “Affair Disease”

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 08:54:37 +0000

Continuing the trend of politicians caught with their pants down – literally and figuratively – is South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Closely on the heels of Sanford’s news came the revelation that Senator John Ensign was also admitting infidelity. Politician cheating is nothing new, and I’ve mentioned in earlier posts that politicians have higher instances of affairs because they’re under intense stress on a daily basis. Psychologically, they’re more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel, as I explain in “Adultery: The Forgivable Sin.”

Forgiving Adultery?

Of course, I’m not suggesting that this can excuse his actions – rather it’s a reason why news of politicians engaging in affairs is, sadly, relatively common. This type of behavior is becoming an epidemic and is a disease similar to alcoholism – and it’s time to stop it. We need to stop glamorizing it, or – alternatively – bastardizing it, accept that it happens and move on. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name.) Politicians have high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress – what I call the biochemical craving for connection.

This can easily become a self-enforcing cycle: politicians and others of us under a lot of tress (and let’s face it, nowadays who ISN’T under a lot of stress!?) are looking for a release from this constant pressure. An illicit affair provides the biochemical connection we’re craving, along with that high and thrill of a new romance. But keeping up the charade only causes more pressure. And so the cycle perpetuates itself.

What can we learn from Sanford (and others like him)?

Understanding Infidelity

1). The behaviors that stimulate these feelings can easily become addictive.

For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a
preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals
around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have
sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle
all over again.

2). It’s a way of over-riding true emotions by opting for a “high” instead.

Sanford’s wife stated that she was aware of the infidelity and the couple was undergoing a trial separation as a way to SAVE their marriage (I call this the “brush with death” and it can be quite effective if both people are on the same page, although in this situation that doesn’t appear to be the case.)

3). Learn what your subconscious is telling you before it’s too late.

It’s likely that Sanford subconsciously couldn’t handle the idea of losing his wife and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear by deciding to have an affair. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life. Don’t make the mistake of acting and not talking – it’s impossible to take back such a decision.

Think Your Partner is Cheating? Here’s How to Find Out…

Jim Walthby — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:39:48 +0000

Do you have a feeling in your gut that’s something wrong in your relationship? That maybe, just maybe, your partner’s being unfaithful? If you do, then you have a decision to make and several options to choose from.

The Options

First, think about how sure you are of their infidelity. If you aren’t sure at all then option one, confronting them right now, without wasting any time, is completely out of the question. Doing so could ruin the relationship because it’d highlight, rightly or wrongly, that you don’t trust your partner.

The second option: ignore your suspicions, assume they’re unfounded and that they always will be, that nothing’s going on, and continue as normal.

This option’s one many people take, either to avoid being confronted with an ugly truth, that their lover’s doing some extra ‘loving’ behind their backs, or because they fear they’re being unfair to their partners by being suspicious of them and doubtful of their devotedness.

Third option: do something to help eradicate your suspicions. Find out either way what’s going on, if your partner’s cheating on you or if they’re being faithful.

Learning the Truth

Okay, let’s assume option three is the one for you. You want to find out the truth and don’t want to simply ignore your gut instinct and continue on as normal. What methods of investigation, ways of discovering the facts, are there at your disposal?

1. The simplest way (often considered the first step), and something you might have already begun doing, is looking for obvious signs of potential betrayal. Your partner smells of a fragrance, perfume or after-shave you don’t recognize.

They’ve been leaving the house for work half an hour earlier than they’ve ever done before, for no apparent reason. They don’t seem to enjoy sex with you as they used to, or choose to avoid it completely whenever they can.

Keep an eye out for these surface signs of potential infidelity. In a way, looking for them and recording them in your mind or on paper can be considered harmless, it’s free information there to be noticed…if only you’ll look.

2. After the obvious potential signs of cheating dry up, or when you feel you’re at a dead end looking for and analyzing them, more forthright, headstrong action may be called for. Some people, at this point, reach straight for the Yellow Pages, thumbing right to the private investigator section.

That’s one option, sure, but there are things you can do yourself before calling in a third party. First, you could try setting a trap. It may sound a little primeval, like catching a wild animal, but really it’s more like a test.

…

Digital Betrayal: How Cheating Husbands And Wives Use Technology To Cover Their Tracks

Jim Walthby — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 13:00:59 +0000

These days it’s easier than ever to communicate with people. We’ve got high-speed internet connections (wireless & otherwise), mobile phones, pagers, fax machines.

We can talk at the touch of a button, across cities, countries, the entire world. Furthermore, communication through these digital protocols is almost instant, fairly cheap and,if you want it to be,completely private and hidden.

While advancements in digital communication are, on the whole, a great thing, they do have their down sides. One disadvantage is that cheating husbands, wives (or, for that matter, girlfriends or boyfriends) can communicate with their private lovers away from the prying eyes and ears of their trusting partners.

It happens every day: thousands upon thousands of text messages are sent by disloyal men and women to those they’re sleeping with behind their real partners’ backs.

Back in the day, the only way a guy or girl could arrange a clandestine meeting would be over a hard-line (either a house phone or a pay phone). That meant the cheater would either have to make risky calls from the home of their unsuspecting spouses, or secretly take a trip to a local call box and do it from there.

Both of these methods of communication could often be spotted by the betrayed party quite easily.

But that’s now a thing of the past. It’s now a cinch for a cheater to send messages to their secret lovers from work, a locked bathroom, even from under the bed covers while their current, faithful partner sleeps quietly and 100% unaware of what’s going on just 6 inches away from them.

It’s true; things are easier for cheaters these days, but not that easy. Just as all others kinds of cheats, be it a card shark, a conman or a computer hacker, leave signs of their dishonesty behind, so do disloyal partners. And looking for the right signs, in the right places, is the absolute best way of knowing for sure if you can trust your partner.

Okay, you know now how easy it is for cheaters to communicate with their secret partners using digital communication. But what are the signs, the indications, the clues of this kind of activity? Let’s take a look:

1. Computers and Internet

…