Ask Dan and Jennifer » commitment

5 Things To Do When You’re Lonely But Not Ready For A Relationship – Part 1

Maryanne Comaroto — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 21:49:23 +0000

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were lonely enough, longed SO MUCH to be loved and cared for, that you did something stupid. Looking back, do you think it’s probably because you weren’t ready for a relationship, so you weren’t selective about who you decided to enter into one with? Here’s a story for ya – and some tips to make sure you don’t find yourself in the same situation!

I once knew a woman who gave a guy she was seeing – someone she hadn’t known long and knew to be a criminal – all of her life savings. Then, he fell off the face of the earth. When she began to try to figure out where he ways, she learned that he had died in an automobile accident. Not only that – he had left behind a young widow and three small children. Yikes!

It’s Normal To Feel Lonely

For some of us, being internally referenced or taking responsibility for all you experience is a foreign concept. I know it was for me. I, like so many of us, believed that my circumstances were designed or slated by some dark fate, bad luck or perhaps my difficult childhood.

While you’re busy trying to sort out who really did what, whose responsibility your life actually is, and healing your heart, I offer you some “here and now” antidotes to feeling desperately lonely. (So you don’t go and find another relationship just like the last one, or just like our friend’s.)

5 Things To Do When You Feel Desperately Lonely

Feel. I say we gotta feel it to heal it. And if we don’t know what we feel, we don’t know what we need. And I discovered something – if I was gentle, waited and sat with myself long enough, I would begin to feel and heal. I spent many nights (and days) just letting the floodgates loose and seeing what was underneath all my anxiety.
Move. Release what’s inside. Let it out. Oh my, can I just tell you that moving saved my life?! Sometimes I had so much energy, so many feelings welled up in me, that I stood in my kitchen barefoot on the hardwood floor and gyrated around spastically flailing my fists at God and everyone, like James Brown on crack. I screamed and cried and danced and collapsed until I was empty.
Read. Yes, it is not easy to quiet that restless mind, so pick books that are inspirational and that will engage you every time. I always had a stack of self-help books and autobiographies nearby, and still do.
Write. One of my single girlfriends told me she writes herself love letters. One every night, and they get longer and longer. Then when she wakes up she reads them to herself. Whatever you have pinging around up there, put it on paper. Doesn’t matter how you do it. Journal, write letters to God (he/she will answer back). Who knows, maybe you’ve got the next NY Times bestseller in there!! I wrote copious amounts of dark, intensely feeling poetry in words from the 13^th century, channeling my “DNA gone bad” from the past. It was so great to get it out of my body!
Collage. I love to collage, as I am very visual. Pulling pictures out of new magazines (great way to recycle) of people, places, and things that made me feel happy or inspired always worked for me. Sometimes I was surprised at what I learned about myself, what I really liked or longed for.

I’m not simply talking about activities that take up time, but rather, things that will help you discover who YOU are, and put you on a path to where you want to be!

Show Me You Love Me

Maryanne Comaroto — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 01:00:00 +0000

“I love you” is more than words.

We all know this. Words are easy to say – actions are more difficult to, well, put into action. And commitment … that can be an entirely different story altogether! Just ask any of the reality stars who’ve looked for so-called love and ended up with egg on their face when the relationship ended days, weeks, or months later.

It All Begins With Number One

This all sounds basic, but it’s something we need to keep in mind and know the difference between (action vs. words) BEFORE you drop your drawers. No matter how good he or she makes you feel—and, like we both know, chemistry feels soooooo good! We need to stop, slow down and pay attention to what people DO and what they SAY and SEE if they match. Or we have only ourselves to blame.

So here is some real tough love! You want a great relationship? It’s not about someone saying the right words, and it doesn’t start with someone doing all the right things. Finding love begins with loving ourselves and understanding that love is NOT a competition; and getting that special girl or guy is not a reward for being sexy, beautiful or better than someone else. Sex is a sacred act. Our bodies are sacred temples and we get into trouble when we don’t recognize or respect ourselves accordingly.

Love is not negotiable; it doesn’t disappear in the presence of someone cuter; love isn’t confused or bored. The truth is love is a decision we make in our hearts and souls, coupled with a deep resonance; mentally, physically, and spiritually. NOT a chemical reaction – what some people call “chemistry” (which I don’t believe actually exists as a real thing). That is lust, our lower instinctive nature, fleeting and honestly not necessarily part of a great relationship.

Love Is Truly An Action

So forget chemistry or whatever you want to call it – when you have strong feelings for someone and are deciding if you want to spend more time with them—share your life, heart and soul—you want to make sure this person will be the best, most capable person for the job, which is evidenced by building trust over time. Watch what they say and make sure it matches what they do in ALL areas of their life, with their family, co-workers, the waiters and waitresses, strangers and especially their ex-partners!

What I am saying (and, I know, in long, run-on, busy sentences) is that love is not a feeling. It’s not some mythical version of a chemical connection. It’s not feeling the same thing over and over for different people. Love is an action. It’s a state of being. It doesn’t choose one person over another and it does NOT have a shelf life. I have said, like our bachelor, “I love you,” many times. And depending on where I was at in my life it meant different things. It meant “I need you, I am glad you care about me, please love me back, let’s have sex, don’t ever leave me,” and on and on. Until I grew up, which is a choice I get to make every day, by the way. To be mature and responsible. And practice the art of loving. Starting with me.

Relationship Wisdom From The Most Popular Sex Advice Book

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 21:00:11 +0000

When I was seventeen, the United States was experiencing its least amount of sexual innocence in its history. That was in 1977. The pendulum swing away from sexual innocence and naiveté is still swinging wide.

Back then I had questions about sex and sexuality that my mother appreciated but did not really want to answer! She suggested I read the book Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask. She said she would buy it for me. Ever the independent individual, I chose to buy it for myself. Man! I consumed that book faster than any other book I’d ever read. It really did answer the questions I could not get answered any other way without going blindly along creating experiences for myself that may or may not have been in my best interest. I got to come into my own sexuality, armed with information that helped me make good choices for myself.

Good Relationship Advice From A Sex Book?

Not too long ago, I heard someone belittle Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid To Ask. I disagree with that. Obviously, no matter how sexually free we think we are, we still have questions about sex that we are afraid to ask. If that were not true, AskDanandJennifer.com wouldn’t exist!

I will share with you the one thing the critics pulled out of the book and made fun of because it is rather humorous. It also suggests something about loving another person at either the beginning of or well inside a relationship with him or her that is deeper than the superficial advice the author gives.

Toward the end of the book, he has suggestions for reeling in the man of your dreams. One suggestion is that the way to subliminally suggest to a man that you are the woman for him is to fix him a home cooked meal and with it serve either milk or beer. The milk (or beer) will remind him of mother’s milk and create a sense of bonding from him to you. As I write this I am laughing, even though thirty-one years ago I latched onto it as if it were a golden nugget of advice!

And now, as an expert on the romantic challenges of mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, I would never suggest to anyone that you remind the person you are attracted to of mother’s milk as a means to his or her heart. However, I do like what the advice implies, even if I’m stretching a wee bit here.

Creating Co-Dependence Or True Love?

When you are dating, first in love, or in a solid relationship, make a habit of making “it” be about the other person instead of yourself. Whatever “it” may be: a meal, the conversation, the movie choice, the favorite series on TV choice, whose family to spend or not spend the holiday with, how to roll up the toothpaste tube, etc. Making everything about the other person isn’t wise. That creates co-dependence even in the most diligent person if he or she is on the receiving end of that much selflessness.

Sometimes, though, it is just so great to be in love and have the feeling and commitment (or potential commitment) returned that we feel like we have come home to the one person who loves everything about us. Who will listen forever and give us good strokes and lift us up when we’re down! And if you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, there are still those moments when you say something so profound and find it appreciated so greatly that you’re thrown right back into that space of, “I am loved! It’s all about me! He/she thinks I’m precious! Wah-hooooo!”

What Really Makes A Difference

Ideally, feeling that completely loved is a true experience. However, that level of interest doesn’t last. And that’s OK. There is intimacy, vulnerability, and deep love in the experience of give and take. Turning your attention off yourself and giving the spotlight to him or her renews the love and passion in your relationships. And if you are just beginning to date or newly in love, it sends a big message as to the kind of life time mate you have the potential to be for him or her.

I don’t know if giving a man a glass of milk or a beer makes a difference in his psyche, causing you to stand out from the rest of the women in his life. But being genuinely interested and invested in him can make a difference. With whatever manipulative technique folks are sharing with men for how to snare a woman, it may or may not work. But being genuinely interested and invested in her can make a difference.

Casual Dating or Serious Relationship? How to Know For Sure… (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 19:37:50 +0000

When it comes to dating, different couples have different ways of managing their relationships. What is healthy ranges from one extreme to the other because really, it’s not about what is "normal," it’s about what is right for you and your partner.

Some couples take it day by day while others start planning for marriage and kids down the road. How can you make sure you and your partner are on the same page?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been dating a really sweet and generous guy for about a month now. We decided to take it day by day. Today he texted me and ask me “How do I feel about him”. What does this exactly mean? I am sort of confused.

–Tina, FL

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Taking It Day By Day

When dating, taking it day by day can mean a couple different things. For most people, taking a relationship day by day means living each day to the fullest and making the most of each day, while still leaving your options for the future open.

Some couples, however, take taking a relationship day by day quite literally, and consider whether they want to continue dating each day. While a day by day approach can be great for a newly forming relationship, taking it too literally may mean one partner might not be on the same page as the other.

Your partner might be wondering how you feel about them if you’re consistently re-evaluating your relationship on a daily basis to decide if you want to continue dating.

Taking a relationship like this by the week or month might be a better option, because while you’re still leaving the future open, you’re giving a little bit more of yourself to your partner without making a heavy commitment.

Whether you’re taking a relationship by the day, week, month, year or century, you and your partner won’t be on the same page unless you talk to each other about the relationship and where you see it headed. Talk to your partner and be open and honest about how you feel about them.

Talking To Your Partner

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I’ve Shown My Commitment to Him. Now Why Won’t He Propose? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:59:39 +0000

You’re in a committed relationship. You’ve shown your commitment to your partner in one way or the other, and now you’re ready for them to show theirs. Will they propose? When will you get the ring? How can you let your partner know that you’re ready to take the next step?

While approaching your partner and flat out telling them they need to propose is not necessarily a good idea, there are ways to communicate your emotional needs about commitment to your partner without putting the pressure on.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been with by BF for 2.5 years – both divorced with kids. I am moving an hour away from my work & family to be closer to him. Thing is, now that I have shown my commitment by buying a house and moving closer to him, I would like for him to show his and give me a ring.

We don’t intend to marry for several years yet but I would love that we are sharing with our children & families that we ‘intend’ to one day. I am taking a huge step and it would be a wonderful representation of his efforts if we could have that symbol. Marriage is not important to him as he feels committed without that.

How do I share that a ring is not just a material object to me, without pushing him away?

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Why Are You Looking For A Ring?

Often, people will keep scores in their relationships. They may feel that because they did something for their partner, they’re owed something in return. Is this why you’re looking for a ring? You’ve proved your love and commitment, and now you feel it’s time for them to prove theirs. Is this healthy? Actually, it’s not.

Relationships aren’t about keeping score or proving anything. You’re with your partner because you love them and you do things for them because you love them. This is what makes a relationship beautifully dynamic! If you’re looking for a ring so your partner can "prove" their love to you, you might be looking for the wrong reasons.

This doesn’t mean you have to give up all hopes of getting a ring, however. For many people, rings are a symbol of commitment and they’re a wonderful way to share your love with each other.

Telling Your Partner What A Ring Means To You

If a ring would mean a lot to you emotionally, you’re certainly entitled to let your partner know how you feel. The important part of letting your partner know what’s going on in your mind is not to tell your partner that they "have" to give you a ring, or that they "should."

Let your partner know what a ring symbolizes to you and how having one would make you feel. Keep the discussion about how you feel, and not what you expect. This will keep the conversation from going downhill and backfiring.

What If They’re Not Ready?

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Is My Girlfriend Using Me Or Is Her Love Real? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 14:07:10 +0000

Usually it’s the other way around, but sometimes a man will be ready for a steady relationship and his girlfriend begins pulling away.

It can be confusing if you’ve started staying the night with your girlfriend or even taken the relationship to another level

when your girlfriend starts to pull away and act as though you and she are still in the beginning phase of the relationship.

What does it mean when a woman starts to pull away? What should you do if you’re ready for commitment and she’s not?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I started talking to this girl and we hooked up. Things escalated rather quickly and ended up with me staying with her. She dropped hints that she wasn’t actually ready for a relationship and while I was away on vacation, she told me to go back to my own place. We started hanging out again and then one day she asked me to stay the night. After that I have been staying there on and off. She is also dealing with a deep seated depression. She just started taking meds for it. The other day I noticed the change in her and now she is back to pushing me away. She is confusing me and I don’t know if I am wasting my time and she is just using me so she doesn’t have to feel alone. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

-DW, Tennessee

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She Wants To Remain Casual. . .

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Burned By His Ex… Will He Ever Commit to a Relationship With Me? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 19 May 2008 14:04:47 +0000

It’s an age old dilemma…

A woman is dating a guy who isn’t ready to commit. It can certainly be vice versa, and either way, it’s frustrating to be the one ready to commit when your partner isn’t.

Everyone stresses the importance of being on the same page relationship-wise with your partner and they’re right. What can you do though when they’re not ready to commit and you are?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I met a guy through work, I’ve been out with him several times, had a good time. I like him a lot and think he likes me too. He doesn’t want a relationship and a commitment because an ex girlfriend whom he was planning to marry dumped him for another man nearly two years ago. He said he still wants to meet up now and again.

I’m wondering what’s the point in meeting anymore. But on the other hand I’m also thinking that maybe I should continue seeing him and give him some space and don’t hassle him and then see if over time something does develop.

What do you think ?

-D, United Kingdom

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Your partner wants to continue casual dating

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Marriage – Just a Legal Contract or a Real Commitment?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 14:45:15 +0000

What is the meaning of marriage today?

We believe that marriage today is little more than a piece of paper these days – BUT not for the reasons that you may think.

Our frustration lies in the fact that many people seem to treat the contract of marriage like the contract on their car. They lock in the interest rate, buy the car, and then rarely even bother to change the oil or wash the car…

Corporations give certain privileges to people who hold this piece of paper (only the one sanctioned by the government) while refusing to acknowledge or accept other definitions, perfectly valid definitions, of marriage.

Getting married shouldn’t be like petitioning to get a local building permit, getting a government inspector to sign off that your plans are up to his specific codes.

The separation of church and state no longer seems to exist – making marriage more of a political statement than a real commitment!

Here’s a great article that we found on Netscape today that explains the subtle yet very important differences between a contract and true commitment:

"Till death do us part, contract or covenant?"

And on the topic of separation of church and state (or rather the sad lack thereof), check out these recent articles:

Then leave a comment below and tell us where YOU stand on this very controversial issue!

Ultimatums – The Fastest Way to End a New Relationship (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 05 May 2007 18:03:43 +0000

How soon can you get your new love to say "I Love You"?

You know the feeling… you’ve been dating for months, and he still won’t say those magical little words. How frustrating! Why are so many men (and some women for that matter) so afraid to say "I love you"? Is it really so hard?

Is he unsure about you, or just afraid of commitment?

Of course that leaves you wondering… is he really ready to give himself fully to you, or is he holding back? Is he doubting himself, or worse, is he doubting you?

Or is he just afraid of commitment? But you still have to wonder why that is.

How can you know he’s really over his ex wife or girlfriend?

In the end, you want to feel that he’s completely over the other woman – his ex wife, girlfriend, etc – and wants only you. And it’s only natural to want to hear those words from him, to want that reassurance that he feels the same way you do.

But how do you make him say it without damaging your relationship and even breaking up? More importantly, SHOULD you insist he say anything at all?

Should you demand to hear "I Love You" – or else?

Drawing that line in the sand sometimes feels like a good idea – a last hope of security and stability – but it can often backfire. Many couples break up every day just because they get too hung up on the terms they use to define their relationship, on saying certain words, etc.

Fact is, every relationship is unique, because every person is unique. When we try to put relationships in a firm box, we often end up disappointed, and sometimes we end up alone…