You’re also not alone if you genuinely love this person and want to make the relationship work.

Are you doomed to a breakup?

Not necessarily…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

 

My girlfriend (ex?) and I fight all the time!! When we are not fighting we get along great! Everything will be fine, then BAM, full blow verbal warfare.

 

We have been on and off, because of this pattern. We are both tired of fighting, arguing, etc. WE got along so great once upon a time, we some how had a miss-fire that has never got fixed, I don’t understand.

 

The question, does it have to be over?

 

– Matt, Kansas City

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Realize That No One Has To Be Right

The root of all evil is money . . . actually, it’s the ego. A person’s ego trumps all other things and it has a need to be right all the time.

This is generally what drives people to argue and fight. It starts out pretty innocently. Someone does something that the other partner doesn’t like and it hurts their feelings.

They speak out, but it soon turns into something to the effect of, "Well, I did that because you did this," so on and so forth. It becomes about placing blame and proving who was right and who was wrong. If you begin to recognize this pattern of arguing, you can learn to move past it. It will take a joint effort, but it also takes two people to argue in the first place.

The Relationship Is Not Doomed Unless You Let It Be

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In my relationship counseling work as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve seen countless couples who come into my office at the “end of their ropes.” 

Many have very shaky relationship foundations, diminished emotional safety and little ability to deflect internal conflict within their relationship, let alone the stressful external events that life sometimes can dish out. 

If you think about the amount of financial and emotional investment that goes into preparing for the wedding itself, doesn’t it make sense to invest a little in strengthening the relationship at the onset?

Many couples preparing for marriage honestly believe they are strong going into the union – and they probably are in a lot of ways.  Being caught up with all the loving feelings and other feel-good stuff going on ahead of nuptials, couples often don’t consider the potential pitfalls.  Those “pitfalls” are often times what leads them into a therapist’s office some time down the line.  

I strongly encourage couples to give their marriages the best possible start – to do all they can ahead of time to avoid marriage counseling later.  Based on my experience with couples who see me for marriage counseling and the issues they bring in, there are a number of things that would have been helpful for them to have known about or worked on previously. 

Here are six great reasons to get pre marriage counseling:

Strengthen Communication Skills

Being able to effectively listen, truly hear and validate the other’s position is a skill that isn’t necessarily a “given” for many people.  Couples that really communicate effectively can discuss and resolve issues when they arise more effectively. 

You can tune up your talking and listening skills.  This is one of the most important aspects of emotional safety between couples. 

Discuss Role Expectations 

It’s incredibly common for married couples to never really have discussed who will be doing what in the marriage.  This can apply to job, finances, chores, sexual intimacy and more.

Having an open and honest discussion about what each of you expect from the other in a variety of areas leads to fewer surprises and upsets down the line.   

Learn Conflict Resolution Skills

Nobody wants to think that they’ll have conflict in their marriage.  The reality is that “conflict” can range from disagreements about who will take out the trash to emotionally charged arguments about serious issues – and this will probably be part of a couple’s story at one time or another. 

There are ways to effectively de-escalate conflict that are highly effective and can decrease the time spent engaged in the argument.  John Gottman’s research (www.gottman.com) has shown that couples who can do this well are less likely to divorce in the end.

Explore Spiritual Beliefs

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Related articles:

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3. Relationship Suck? Need Counseling? Read this first! (Video)
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5. Love, Sex, or Money? The Three Biggest Reasons Couples Fight and How They Can Be Avoided? (Video)