Ask Dan and Jennifer » control

How to Keep the Money Mistress From Destroying Your Relationship

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 19:05:41 +0000

Something as seemingly ‘harmless” as hiding a purchase you made from you partner is really not harmless at all. In fact, it’s a form of financial infidelity, and can lead to greater financial infidelities.

Bigger-scale problems of this nature often come during significant relationship problems that you may be having with your significant other. For example, if you’re aware of financial or sexual infidelities going on in your relationship, you’re likely to fall into some financial infidelities of your own, or succumb to the “money mistress.”

Examples of Financial Infidelity

A few examples of financial infidelity are:

*when one partner keeps money from a work bonus for themselves without telling the other person

*over-charging at drugstores or for groceries and keeping the cash

*when one person uses money or spending as a way of “keeping score”

Why People Succumb to Financial Infidelity

There are several ways to, and many reasons why, people fall into this type of behavior. The most basic and common can be when you’re already experiencing things like this at the hands of your partner.

It can be tempting to retaliate in similar ways. You may even be in a relationship where you’re aware of a sexual affair, and you’re using your bank account to “get back” at the other person.

One couple I worked with had this problem. The woman was aware of her husband’s affair (as he wasn’t really doing much work to hide it) so she would see the purchases he made for his mistress, would add up the cost of these purchases, and then buy something for herself that cost that amount. She used this behavior as a way of trying to make herself feel good, and as a method of getting back at her spouse.

Of course the person already engaging in financial or sexual infidelities isn’t in the right either, but by retaliating or spending behind your partner’s back, you’re also taking part in what I call a “PoP shot” – or a “Pissed off Purchase!” You’re fueled by anger towards the other person’s infidelities, whether they’re sexual or financial, and you decide to take action by using the bank account for leverage.

There are other versions of this situation that aren’t as drastic. I’ve seen cases where one partner overspends, and the other feels entitled to spend a similar amount, or in a similar way creating another type of money mistress. One key solution to the problem of a money mistress is to learn to fight fair. Don’t let money be your weapon.

Rules to Make Sure You Talk About Money

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Yuck! My Partner Smokes! How Can I Make Her Stop? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 13:54:20 +0000

No matter how long you’ve been dating, you and your significant other are bound to have habits and mannerisms that your partner finds annoying and vice versa.

More of these come out of the woodwork as you get more and more comfortable with your partner, however, it might be all you can do to not let them drive you crazy! How do you deal with your partner’s annoying habits?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, I’ve been going out with a girl now for about 2 months. And she’s picked up a bad habit – Smoking. I love her a lot, and she loves me too, but I don’t like it when she smokes. I don’t know what to think or do. I don’t want to control her or anything and I asked her to stop but she said if I love her it shouldn’t matter.

Is this true or not true?

– (YouTube viewer)

Wait! Give this Video 5 Stars and Subscribe Today so you don’t miss a single video.

Your partner has an annoying habit, such as smoking or nail biting, that simply drives you up a wall. You love your partner, but their habit, or habits, are getting to be too much. What can you do to help curb your partner’s bad habits so you can be happier in the relationship?

Accept them or change them?

First, you need to realize you have two options here. You can learn to accept your partner’s bad habits, or you can do what you can to change them. By changing them, that doesn’t mean throwing away your partner’s cigarettes or secretly dipping their hands in Tabasco sauce while they’re asleep.

You can try to change your partner’s habits from your end, such as asking your partner to stop, or you can end the relationship. That is, if you can’t learn to accept and let go of their habits.

If you want to try to talk to your partner about their annoying habits, don’t be critical. Don’t give them an ultimatum and certainly don’t chastise them. You’re their partner, not their parent.

If you want your partner to stop smoking or stop biting their nails, let them know that it bothers you and simply ask if they can stop. Don’t entertain them if they get defensive, just let your partner know that you were just asking. After that, the ball is in their court.

What if they won’t change?

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The Hidden Dangers Of Trying To Control Your Husband or Wife…

Karen Lynch — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 13:59:40 +0000

There is a beautiful little town just south of where I live. It has peaceful, quiet, tree-lined streets with beautiful homes both old and new. It is the perfect example of small town America, a place where many of us dream of raising our children, a place that we think of as being safe.

Last Sunday, the peace in this beautiful little town was shattered. A few miles north, people in the larger city were also shaken to the core. A senseless and painful crime took place.

A beautiful young mother was walking into church with her own mother when her estranged husband drove up, got out of the car, pulled out a gun and shot her repeatedly. She died instantly.

It was her 30th birthday.

Her estranged husband senselessly took one life and essentially ruined or destroyed 3 other lives, not to mention shattering the peace of mind of the other churchgoers and the tranquility of the town. Two small boys are now in the State Protective Services and the husband himself is incarcerated in the county jail awaiting charges on capital murder.

Why did this senseless act of violence take place? What could have been the motive to inflict so much pain?

Apparently the couple had separated and the wife was planning to file for divorce.

He couldn’t make her stay. He couldn’t force her to love him. He couldn’t control her. So rather than accept that fact and allow them both to move on to a brighter future, he took her life, destroyed his own life and essentially left his two young sons orphaned. Those boys lost both of their parents that day. Their young lives will forever feel the effect of that lingering pain from the senseless violence of that day.

Co-Create a Great Relationship

This is, of course, an extreme example. This is one of the worst things that can happen. But there are many dysfunctional relationships where one party tries to control the other party. One person within the relationship decides that they know what is best for both parties, that what they say is the most important and that they are the only ones qualified to make decisions for the relationship.

It doesn’t work. No one can create a great relationship by trying to control.

No one can create in another’s life. We can only create within our own life and our own minds. We are only responsible for ourselves. Our mates are only responsible for themselves. You can’t change another person, no matter how hard you try, you can only change yourself.

The best, happiest and strongest relationships consist of two happy individuals coming together for the purpose of co-creating a great life. There are no bosses, no dictators, no controllers, just two powerful creators working together to create the lives they both want. They do not have to agree on everything. Both parties are allowed to think for themselves and decisions are made together for good or for bad.

The best relationships allow each partner to be who they really are and to become the best they can be within a safe haven of Love and Respect.

Trying to control another is futile.

Are you too controlling? Check out this insightful quiz from Deepak Chopra and Green living.

To learn more about Karen Lynch, visit www.LiveThePower.com.

Is Anger Over Previous Sex Partners Justified? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:36:09 +0000

So you’ve started dating a new person and you’re curious about previous relationships… We all are.

We want to know if our partner has had sex with other people; and the masochistic side of us wants to know how many, and if they were better than us. But what happens when we find out…

Do we get angry? Do we accept our partner for who they are?

What would you do?

Are you really prepared to hear the truth? You better be before you ask the question.

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts – leave a comment below.

Is Anger Over Previous Sex Partners Justified?

It’s In The Past – Let It Go

The issue here is that we are all incredibly insecure about ourselves and our relationships…

The thing you have to realize is that previous sex partners and other life experiences are what made your partner who they are today. Just because he or she had sex with other people does not change how they feel about you now and should not change how you feel about them.

It’s A Control Thing

Why is it that men, in general, can be so judgmental about women? It seems to be a bit of a quagmire. Men expect women to be virgins and women expect men to have eyes only for her after they meet.

In reality this is just a control thing…