Ask Dan and Jennifer » dating advice

Feel Good About Yourself? Then GO For It!

Maryanne Comaroto — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 00:00:49 +0000

We often enter into two types of relationships – those that make us feel good about ourselves: confident, accomplished! – and then those that, well, make us feel the opposite: worried, flawed. Ever wonder why we even bother with the relationships that cause us to have negative feelings about ourselves? Me too – but I think I’ve found at least part of the answer!

One of the gals I taught in one of my workshops told me she recently started dating again. She’s in a good place to do so – her self-care practice is stronger than ever, she’s spent time getting to know who SHE is and what she wants. She has a relationship plan and tools in her relationship tool belt. She is gainfully employed, has other work filled with her mission and purpose that she is building on the side, lives where she wants, takes care of her body, puts good things in her mind and prays for guidance.

What Is It About A Relationship That Causes Us To Have Negative Feelings About Ourselves?

But, like all of us, she struggles from time to time when trying to decide who she wants to be with. Like many of us she is still attracted to what looks good and feels good, but perplexed about why that almost always leads to: “Makes me feel bad about myself in the morning.” And even though she has made her list of non-negotiables and written extensively about the character and makeup of her potential partner, she turns into a deer in the headlights when a certain type of person enters the scene. How many of us have been THERE before?! I know I have! And there’s a way out of the headlights, as my student found.

She told me about two men she was recently attracted to and interested in. One she had known casually over some years, the other she met randomly. The first person was handsome, courteous, grounded, and his words were consistent with his actions. The second gentleman, while their initial meeting was considerably more electric, was not entirely who he made himself out to be. Turns out, while he was interested in getting to know her, he was not available for more than dating, nor did he call when he said he would.

She shared with me the truth about their meeting, and that she could feel how this guy was like the type of guy she was traditionally attracted to. And at the same time as she recognized this, she also saw that she felt bad about herself almost immediately after meeting him. Whereas bachelor number one has been consistent, even and honest. Fortunately, because today she loves herself and wants a great relationship, she snapped out of it.

Sometimes we’ve just got give up the flames for the slow burn!!!

I said this was going to be simple and really, honestly, it is. Is it true these folks that “bring out the worst in us” have something to teach us? Yes. Or that they are mirroring a part of ourselves that perhaps we do not like? Yes, that is also true. There are a million things we tell ourselves to justify getting into a relationship with the wrong person because, often, it just feels good … at the beginning.

Learning The Hard Lesson

However-and this is a big however-Why choose your primary love relationship to be a battlefield of personal development if you don’t have to? In other words, if you want to “work on your issues” why not deal with your childhood wounds or mom/dad material head-on? Read books. Nurture yourself. Go to therapy. Delve deeply into your subconscious mind and free yourself from these imprints, low self-esteem or self-worth issues. You don’t have to spend your precious time with, have sex with, move in with, or marry them.

Changing certain self-defeating behavior is, like I always say, like pulling a jet plane out of a nose dive. But do not fret. With enough persistence and a daily practice of self-love you are sure to eventually prevail and, like so many of us converts, ultimately make better and better relationship choices, in all areas of your life! And I will keep you posted on our hopeful bachelorette!

Online Dating Sites Begin The Dating Process, Not Be The Engagement Period!

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 14:00:11 +0000

A friend I love dearly was recently asked out on a date as a result of an online dating site she belongs to. She was thrilled and frightened. But she was scared in that good way when you are facing down a fear, stretching yourself to be more, and confident that no matter what happens, you will love yourself for trying! Yes, it had been awhile since she had been out on a date. No matter, she was ready to accept the possibility that there might still be romance in her future.

The Benefits – And Downfalls – Of Dating In The Internet Age

One benefit to dating sites is you have access to your date’s birthday before you even meet. Do you know what that means? It means you have access to valuable information about them. You can consult a zodiac chart or something called The Cards of Destiny or any other system that uses birthdates to determine personalities and compatibility. My friend was seriously looking into her compatibility with this date before they’d even met! She was pinning a lot of hope on this first date.

We suggested to her that she just relax and let the date unfold without putting that much intensity into it. After all, it was just a first date between two people who hadn’t yet met in person. They weren’t considering marriage. It was just too early to require so much of any date – much less a first date.

When it was the evening before the date, she received an email from him. He told her he was calling off the date. He said she seemed to be too busy, that what he wanted was to travel, and he couldn’t see her being available for that. Inside herself she responded, “Geez! It wasn’t like we were engaged!”

Just One Date

What he missed out on by canceling on her was a lot! He missed out on the chance to connect with another person – a woman. He missed out on the opportunity to get to know himself better in conversation with her. He missed out on the prospect of enjoying the mystery of someone new in his life. He lost the possibility that she may have been ready to trade in her busyness for some travel. He lost the opportunity to make a new friend. He lost self-respect by backing out, being unwilling to keep his word for just one date.

Also, though, there was something very profound when she responded with, “Geez! It wasn’t like we were engaged!” The fact that my friend wanted to do an astrological compatibility on this man before she even met him made me want to talk her off the ledge of thinking this date was that important. We gave her the advice to just relax and enjoy herself. At the risk of sounding sexist, it seemed typical of a woman to jump so far ahead in her anticipation of this date. It never occurred to me that he might be in the same position of putting entirely too much stress on this first date – having entirely too heavy an agenda for it.

Enjoy Dating – Don’t Make It More Than It Is

My friend’s online dating experience prompts this advice from me. For single adults of all ages, try to relax and enjoy dating. You are likely to attract the right one as well as be the right one when you are relaxed and not taking life quite so seriously. Even if it has been years or decades since you visited the dating scene, there is more to be gained from a relaxed attitude than there is from the constriction of needing each date to hold so much meaning. Love comes unbidden, in its own time and on its own terms. You cannot force it no matter how much anxiety and agenda you bring to a first date. You may as well relax and enjoy the journey! There are far more benefits to that state of mind.

How To Tell If Someone Really Likes You

Maryanne Comaroto — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 01:00:55 +0000

I call them “leakers.” What’s a leaker? Someone who flirts with you, wants you to want them, who enjoys and prefers the chase, the hunt, the rush and the kill. Sounds messy eh? Oh, yeah. It can lure even the sweetest, most naïve person to sell their precious soul for just a taste.

I can’t tell you how many times friends or clients have complained about their disenchanting, painful encounters with “leakers.” Men and women who seem so great at first, almost to good to be true and then…wham, bam, ouch, waah…

What A Leaker Takes From You

A “leaker” leaks their sexual energy-and not in a “good way”. They will lead you on, bark up your tree, pursue you like you have never been pursued, woo you up the highest mountain. They are often incapable of intimacy, married or already in one or several relationships because they need so much attention.

So let me draw another parallel … leakers are like molten chocolate. They envelop you with their smoldering languid glances, devour you with their luscious smiles, seduce you with their choreographed confidence until you beg to drown a slow death in exchange for just a sip.

It’s that irresistible something you can’t put your finger on, but you want to be near or keep coming back for more of, ’cause its feels sooooo good. At least for now. But then you’ll eventually find out: she/he’s the seductress, the hedonist, the junkie, the shadow hissing and whistling, cat-calling you like an ancient siren that renders you deaf, dumb and blind to their true intentions. Doesn’t really matter if you have low, loads or no self-esteem – the leaker’s pull is like a vortex few can withstand as our hearts ache and long for what the shadow only pretends to bring…never-ending passion.

Leakers vs. Likers

So – how to tell the leakers from the likers? Here are a few tips that will help you navigate the dangerous waters of telling the leakers from the likers.

The first time you meet a leaker he/she will make you feel like you are the most special person in the whole world, forgetting where you are, as if you are the only two people in the whole room/train/dance club/world. You might never eat or sleep again, or at least will check your email (VM, whatever) 10 times an hour to see if they called, twittered, pinged you. Like a crack addict waiting for his junk. VS The first time you meet a liker you feel curious, a subtle yet particular interest to know more; you recognize their personal boundary and respect it, feel their reciprocal awareness of you but are not overwhelmed by it. You are left with a warm feeling.
The leakers leave you feeling insecure. VS The likers leave you feeling good about yourself.
The leaker’s affection isn’t exclusive to you and you start to wonder what you are doing wrong or what is wrong with you that you can’t keep their attention. VS The liker behaves this particular way in your presence alone, cordial and social to others but qualitatively different.
The leaker moves fast. VS The liker isn’t in a hurry; they know what they want and will wait.
Leakers are exciting but get bored and indifferent easily. VS Likers are more like a slow burn, not so quick to jump, they ramp up, like the buildup and are into sustainability.
Leakers have a rep for being, well, leakers; cheaters, players, have problems with commitment, etc. VS Likers have a history of trial and error, like most, but have a track record of longevity and heart and partner(s) who’ll vouch for it.

So, whether you are a leaker trying to quit, tired of getting leaked on, or simply satisfied to finally find a name for those folks who do that thing they do-there you go. And after all these years on my own path I can safely say I keep a healthy distance from the shark tank, however fascinating they are. As the saying goes; look, don’t touch! A little goes a long way!

Dating During A Recession

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 02:00:30 +0000

It turns out economic hardship spawns more than “staycations” and at-home cocktail parties. It also has caused a boost in first dates. It seems that this type of uncertainty makes many of us desire companionship and support more than ever.

Searching For Healthy Relationships

According to MSNBC, some singles are now hunting for dates with the same fervor others are showing hunting for jobs. On matchmaking Web site eHarmony.com, membership is up 20 percent despite monthly fees of up to $60, and activity has soared 50 percent since September at OkCupid.com. If money talks, we’re saying that we are looking to quell the loneliness that’s all too common when chasing careers, financial security, our ideal life. When those things are called into question, we go back to seeking good ol’ fashioned relationships.

This should come as no surprise, as most of us have this inherent desire, but it can be played out in a negative way if we’re not careful through what I call the bio-chemical craving for connection. I discuss this more in my book, Make up Don’t Breakup – which encourages a healthy view of money both within our selves and with our partners. This craving starts when stress from childhood causes thrill-seeking behavior. This behavior can be in the form of financial or sexual conquests and infidelities. You’re looking for ways to self-medicate and to help calm stress levels down. Of course, this craving can be harnessed for good as well as evil! Instead of allowing the desire for companionship and intimacy take you to thrill-seeking behavior that results in a “high” and then a crash, turn the desire into a search for healthy relationships.

A Genuine Relationship

This can come through online matchmaking, saying “hi” to that person we always see in a coffee shop or through a simple friendship. But you don’t need me to tell you how to meet people! The point is, as the MSNBC article states, it’s not just the frequency of our dates that’s changing — it’s also the people we’re choosing to spend time with.

“They’re looking for something that’s genuine in a world that isn’t very secure,” said Bathsheba Birman, co-founder of the Chicago dating event Nerds at Heart. “ith headlines full of why you can’t trust established institutions that you thought you could … people are re-examining their own values.”

And seeking a steady relationship can actually result in SAVING money! The CEO at OKCupik figures a man can spend $100 buying drinks at a bar trying to pick up a stranger and leave with little more than a cold shoulder. But, when he’s in a relationship, a Saturday evening can be as simple as Thai noodle takeout and a movie rental.

So here’s to healthy relationships and sustainable finances!

Curiosity Creates Romance

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 01:11:03 +0000

Hidden expectations are one of the primary things that hurt a relationship. The expectations go beyond the desire to be loved for who we are. They have to do with us looking good and being right where our friends and family are concerned.

The expectations include things like what we want this person to be like, what he or she should look like, sound like, and act like. They can be about wanting him or her to have a certain religion, a particular sense of humor, and a certain body type, even a desire for finger nails and toe nails to be shaped in a familiar way. Hair color and texture can matter. The sounds they make when they eat food or sip liquids. What they look like when they are about to bust a gut from laughing so hard.

Forgiving What Doesn’t Meet Our Expectations

In the beginning, whatever doesn’t meet your expectations falls under the grace of forgiveness. We forgive a lot of flaws in our partner when love is new. We are frequently forgiving because even as the peculiar laugh irritates, we are ashamed to find ourselves repulsed by our beloved. We extend ourselves past the uncomfortable feelings our expectations present because this person makes us feel seen, loved, and whole as no one else has before. How can we find flaws in someone with such godlike gifts of seeing, loving, and healing? Besides, he or she has the same experience of you! As a godlike creature in his or her life, how can you be so little as to have a problem with those pinky toes that lie sideways?

As time goes on and the honeymoon feelings fade, the little irritations get larger. Suddenly you are faced with a host of expectations you didn’t even know you had to meet that agenda of being right and looking good. This phenomenon is irritatingly predictable. It is based on the ties of loyalty that bind us to those who came before the romantic partner. If your family had a thing against redheads and the man you now love is a redhead, those wires are eventually going to cross. Because of loyalty, they are likely to cross with your beloved and make sparks there rather than between you and your family.

Having The Courage To Accept The Little Things Again…And Again

Truly accepting your beloved when you are forced to face the little repulsions that show up takes courage. You have to be brave to, even inside yourself, turn to your family and previous friends and choose your lover all over again. I mean, it really is silly to dislike his “outie” belly button just because no one in your family ever had one. It is also silly to cringe at her strong opinions just because your mother kept hers to herself. Many of these things you now have trouble with, you may have loved in the beginning just because in the face of those differences you felt such intimacy and vulnerability sharing them.

I have stumbled upon a cure for this phenomenon that threatens to undermine how close you feel to one another. The cure will renew a right spirit between you, fan the flames of the chemistry you still share, and make you long for each other’s company like in the old days.

Curiosity As A Cure

The cure is curiosity. Think back to a time when you were curious about something, anything. Wasn’t your mind open as a result? Didn’t it make a difference in your attitude and actions? For instance, you’re walking in your favorite park when out of the corner of your eye you spot something orange moving in the grass. You’re curious. You stop to look more closely. The orange is fuzzy and striped with white and darker shades of orange. Someone abandoned kittens in the park! If your curiosity remains heightened, your time in the park ends with scooping them up, taking them home, and having to decide whether to keep them or find them good homes.

Have you ever fallen in love with someone who wasn’t your “type?” Your “type” didn’t change. Your curiosity kicked in and you found yourself responding to someone’s mind, sense of humor, or kindness for a change. He or she felt like home and, with your curiosity heightened, you gave the possibility of love a chance.

Have you ever received horrible service at a restaurant, determined to leave a lousy tip to clearly send a message of your disapproval while contemplating confronting your server? Then you overhear a conversation between your server and the manager and you realize she has had a hell of a day. Your curiosity takes what you heard further and wonders just how bad a day it might have been. Next time she visits your table, you go out of your way to be friendly and kind, receiving a tentative smile from her. You decide to leave a big, fat tip in the hopes it will turn her day around. Curiosity made that shift happen.

Learning To Truly Love Through Curiosity

Curiosity makes positive shifts happen for lovers as well, restoring the romance and fanning the chemistry. The next time he’s talking a mile a minute and it’s all about him check the annoyance and ask yourself, “What’s he so excited about? This thing he’s talking about must be really important to him.” Let your curiosity take over. You will find yourself engaged in his conversation and, eventually, the conversation will come back around to you.

With those funny pinky toes of hers that lie at an awkward angle, wonder to yourself what they must have looked like when she was an infant and at least two people thought she and all ten of her toes were perfect. Your mind and heart will open and it will no longer matter that your last girlfriend had beautiful feet! The intimacy of loving this woman will win and you will too.

Curiosity opens the mind and the heart to new possibilities. Try applying it to your beloved and watch the passion rise!

How Can I Dump Him/Break Up If He Pays The Rent? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 01:04:47 +0000

Taking that huge step to move in with your partner is a big decision. Before moving in with someone, make sure it’s what you really want. But what if the “damage” is done already? What if you’ve moved in with your partner and now you’re realizing that you just weren’t ready? How can you move out or break up with them if they’re the one who is paying the rent?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How can I dump him if I live with him and can’t afford my own rent?

–Jessica, LA

Click here to view the embedded video.

Figure Out What You Want

Okay, so do you want to just move out and try to continue the relationship while living separately, just like you did before you moved in together? Or do you want to break off the relationship and end it completely? Decide what you want and what you’re willing to do before talking to your partner. You want to be as clear and concise on how you want this situation to play out before your partner starts asking questions.

Be Honest

Honesty is often the best policy. Whether you want to break off the relationship or you simply want to go backwards a little bit and pursue the relationship with your partner like it was before you moved in with them, let your partner know that moving in with them was a step you decided to take too soon. If you want to keep the relationship, let your partner know that you really enjoy being with them, but you just weren’t ready to take that “move in” step and you need a little more space right now than living with them can provide. If you want to end the relationship, just let your partner know the truth – that moving in with them truly made you realize that this relationship wasn’t something you were ready for.

Financial Issues

You might be worried about the financial consequences of moving out of your partner’s place if they’re the ones that pay the rent. It can definitely be scary – but ask yourself what you were doing before you moved in with your partner? Were you living with a roommate? Were you living with your parents? Consider if you can literally go backwards and have the same living arrangements that you did before you moved in with your partner.

If that’s not going to work, consider changing jobs before you break the news to your partner. Earning more money is a great way to become financially independent and if this happens, you can consider living alone. If changing jobs isn’t a possibility, consider rooming with someone. You can put an ad out in the paper or on the internet for a roommate seeking a house or apartment, or you can search the ads for ones that other people have put up looking for a roommate themselves.

No matter what you decide to do, just make sure that your living arrangements are squared away before you talk to your partner. Your partner may agree with you, or not get angry, but then again they might. You need to be prepared to have somewhere to go if your partner should decide to ask you to leave immediately. The idea of arranging for somewhere else to live without letting your partner know may seem cruel or like you’re going behind their back, but in truth, you’re just taking care of yourself and you always need to do that.

Online Dating – Doing It Right

Chick In Heels — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 19:00:39 +0000

While online dating was once considered the dating foray of the nerdy and desperate, many people are realizing how valuable online dating – or online “introductions” really can be. If you’re interested in online dating, here’s how to do it right!

Setting Things Up

Before you begin, I suggest you create a new email address – one that protects your anonymity and gives you control. This is a safeguard to keep your regular email address safe from creepies that may not want contacting you.

Rule number one – do NOT give out any personal information right away.

Chances are you will have to pick a nickname or ‘login name’ for your dating site – take a moment when considering this – (as stated before, do not give out your name yet) what will your nickname SAY about you?? After all don’t pick ‘busty Betsy’ if you aren’t so busty – if you falsely represent yourself you only set yourself up for failure…not to mention if you care about who you are to attract and what characteristics they will decipher from your portfolio. Don’t pick “lonely heart” if you don’t want to come across as desperate. Try to keep it light – maybe consider what your hobbies are – like “Hockey girl” for example.. that can also make for a great starting conversation maker when you are contacted by someone.

What Are You Looking For?

Clarify what you are looking for up front – if you want something with long term potential say so, if you are looking to casually start dating again – again – be upfront.. State some of your basic likes and dislikes when it comes to dating & relationships. You may value loyalty, you may prefer a non-smoker…. List your hobbies…things you enjoy doing on a date maybe, or whatever your idea of fun is!!

Most dating sites will tell you that posting a picture will generate a lot more responses. I say, go for no photo at first and see how that goes. Maybe once you have comfortably established some chat with another person you can specifically send them your photo without having it out for public display.

If you are comfortable going the photo displayed route then ensure you are using an accurate depiction that is CURRENT. Thing is, you should expect the same in return as well. I once heard a suggestion where you have the person hold up today’s paper when sending you a photo of themselves lol!! That’s not that bad of an idea!
Now, before you go on chatting with just anyone through email or messenger or the dating site’s chat function – take a look into THEIR profile. Make sure this is someone you want to strike up a conversation with – don’t waste anyone’s time and expect the same in return.

Nixing “Chatspeak”

Now, what I believe is the KEY to online dating success – is being able to ‘chat/type’ the same way you would actually ‘speak’ if the person was in front of you. It always amazes me how often people who I know are very social and fun can come across as daft during a messenger conversation lol!! Try not to only give one word answers – have some questions that you’d like to ask. Toss the nerves aside, the benefit of online dating/chatting initially is that you remain somewhat anonymous… you don’t even have to worry about what you look like unless you venture into video chat ;o) (if you are on webcam chat.. make sure you’re presentable)….

Chatting through online dating can give you a lot of information in a short amount of time. This is a bonus as it saves people from wasting time if they discover something they aren’t keen on about the other person. It also can make you feel less inhibited to talk about things. On a real date there are always distractions – online the focus is the conversation and whether or not you feel the ‘click’.

Making An Online Relationship A Real Relationship

When you feel comfortable meeting in person, do so in a public place during daytime hours if at all possible. Provide your own transportation initially as well.. have a friend check in on you at some point during the meet (maybe they can send you a text) in case you require an ‘out’. These are standard concepts when meeting a new person anyway… hopefully the person you were chatting with online turns out to be an honest representation of themselves. There are always people out there who have used photos from their ‘better days’ or who haven’t been completely honest with their relationship status, etc, etc… just be aware before you dive right in. So keep that initial meeting short – coffee or a drink – not dinner. If all goes well, dinner can be next time. If what you are looking for is something casual and you wish to take things to another level – just be safe – going anywhere alone with a stranger poses threats – keep yourself protected at all times and in all ways ;o) Even if you use a reputable dating service you never truly know the person you are meeting initially so be smart.

Online dating can be a great way to branch out and it no longer holds the stigmas it once did. There are likely more couples meeting online as there are in bars now-a-days. Plus, you’ll likely know a lot more about the person you are meeting face to face then you ever could find out from someone you meet in a bar. Sharpen up those typing skills – and open the door to the online possibilities!!!

A Man’s Love Is Expressed Differently From A Woman’s Love

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 00:00:39 +0000

I realize I am drawing your attention to someone else’s book, rather than my own; but I cannot help myself. Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man is genius! I want to share with you the most profound information I got from reading it.

Men show their love for their women differently than women show their love for men. If we women could really grasp this fact, relationships all over the world would improve.

How Women Love

Women show men they love them in warm, mushy ways. We talk to our men, we share everything, and we provide nurture and support. We want to be romanced because romantic touches are how we say, “I love you.” Men are very different and we know this already. The problem is we have spent centuries judging them for it instead of receiving it as the display of love it is. So when our new man gets past the courting phase, becomes solidly committed to us, and the romance begins to fade, we join the legion of sisters who complain about how he just doesn’t measure up to our ideal of what a real man is and how a real man loves.

Let me tell you, at this point the relationship is doomed and it ain’t his fault! Complements of Steve Harvey, let me share how a real man loves and see if you can’t begin to look at your fellow through a kinder lens and a heart warmed by just how very much he actually does let you know he loves you.

How A Man’s Love Is Different

There are three ways a man clearly and definitively shows his love and affection for his lady. The first thing a real man does when he knows he loves you and is ready to commit to the relationship is he professes who you are in his life. He calls you “his lady,” “girlfriend,” or “romantic partner.” He calls you by a special name with his words and with his body language. You can see it in the eyes of the folks in his world you are introduced to. You see that spark of recognition that this one (you) is different from the other women he has introduced to them. His claim on you is obvious.

Once he is ready to take the relationship to the next level, he may no longer be interested in midnight conversations that go on for hours. He doesn’t want to be treated like your best girlfriend. The profession he makes about you is significant for him and, if you are aware of its meaning, it can be significant for you too. In fact, it can be a big turn on.

The second thing a real man does when he knows he loves you and is ready to commit to the relationship is he provides for you. Now, not every man has the means to buy you expensive things, but to the degree he is able, he will provide for you. One of the examples Steve uses is if you have car trouble and ask him for help, he will do everything within his power to assist you in getting it fixed. One man might be able to afford to replace the car while another gets his cousin who is a car mechanic to fix it. Either way, the man is in love and providing. Every single weekend might not produce a romantic outing, but in any way he sees he can physically provide for you and is able, he will.

So, for instance, one year my husband provided me with a big, fancy digital camera and a printer to print the photographs I would take. He knew I was wary of making the switch from film to digital. He knew I needed to be provided with a really good camera and what is essentially a dark room to make the switch as convenient and delightful as possible. With these gifts he provided for me the means to enlarge my life and my creative expression. It was a deeply romantic gesture.

Accepting His Own Displays Of Love And Affection

The third thing a real man does when he is head over heals in love is he protects his woman. No one is allowed to hurt, insult, or disrespect her. He will not be able to tolerate her life or her spirit being in danger.

In my own experience, I have observed two important things about a man’s desire to protect his woman. The first is he will attempt to protect her from herself. This is why a man can become infuriated with some of the choices his woman makes because, as a man with his logical thinking, he could have told her this or that choice would be a mistake. How could she have put the woman he loves most in the whole world (herself) in harm’s way?

The other thing I have observed is that a real man in love will sacrifice himself to protect you from himself, if you require it. If you cannot abide him being who he is, expressing himself as a man, he will shrink inside, becoming less effective as a lover and as a partner as he attempts to protect you from him. This will not last indefinitely. Finally, the pressure to express himself as a man will rupture and you will lose him. If you find you are no longer invested in exploring the marvelous mystery he is, you might take a look at whether or not you really love him. Because asking him to stifle his masculinity is the beginning of the end.

Whether you are looking for Mr. Right, have found him, or are afraid you are losing him, knowing how a man shows his love to his woman gives you valuable information for figuring out where he is coming from and where he is going. It can also open the floodgates of gratitude and passionate love making as you learn to quit castigating him and instead appreciate his unique expressions of love!

Relationships Don’t Have To Be Hard

Maryanne Comaroto — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 01:12:01 +0000

Are you at the point in your dating “game” where you feel like it’s just that – only a game, and you’re all gamed out? Or maybe you think that there’s some luck involved – but you haven’t happened into any kind of good luck lately? Maybe you’re looking for a modern version of the traditional “fairy tale” – but a fairy tale none the less.

Let’s be honest, how many of us would be happy with: you meet in re-hab, you have both seen the light, you put your pasts behind you, your souls become one, you get pregnant, move in together, get married, then divorced, but are still really good friends and live semi-happily ever after because your new girlfriend likes your kid and your ex has a better job than you so she didn’t sue for alimony? Or maybe you’re in a third camp: given up on the game, not hoping for luck, and think you just suck at relationships and figure this is as good as it gets. And to make matters worse, it seem like anyone who’s in a relationship is suddenly a relationship expert, coach or guru de jour? Poised and ready to pounce on your temporary lack of clarity or latest relationship disaster, ready to tell you how to get your game back, TODAY, or, if not, for sure in a few weeks!

So…anything’s possible?!

What Is Your Idea Of A Great Relationship?

I guess it depends on what your idea of a great relationship is:

A) Better than my last one
B) Someone who completes me
C) Right now, just someone (I really don’t want to be alone)

If this is the best you’re hoping for, statistically, you’re probably just going to get into another relationship that will end up being just like you’re last one. Here’s this “fairy tale” scenario: Another boy meets girl, they get hot for each other, lay on the seduction routine, spend the next three months to ten years finding out who each other really is and then end the relationship. At the least, you’re terribly disappointed, but more likely you’ve probably both had your heart broke! In case you didn’t know, there is an alternative to the ever-popular collective urge-to-merge nightmare.

Like so many of us, I had gone from one relationship to another, measuring my growth each time in terms of things like: Well, this one’s not an alcoholic, or at least this one’s not a sexual deviant, or whew! this one doesn’t do drugs, or at least he’s loyal, or not addicted to porn—and on the rationalizations went until finally I decided there had to be another way. And I jumped ship; the scenic route to relationship enlightenment was about killing me. The first few lessons I learned set in motion a body of work that I live and teach to this day!

Step By Step

First: I decided that chemistry is an indicator of…chemistry and THAT’S all. Sorry Darwin, I decided to go with the theory that the rest of our brain is there for a reason. Therefore I was determined to use it, rather than fall prey to the old brain story that a penis has a mind of its own, blah blah blah. Yeah, I did the math on that and noticed I almost always lost when I made decisions based solely on chemistry—NEXT!

Second: Oh, Dr. Phil will love this: we teach people how to treat us. And that means learning to be responsible. I went a step further and found physics laws to substantiate the fact, added some neural loop studies to support how to undo or override our early programming, and a few basic Buddhist principles, and birthed my unique recipe for becoming and remaining internally focused, which is the foundation of my daily SHOMI© Method practice, which teaches habits that help you wake up – and STAY awake!

And third: I sought and found the one thing I had searched for, longed for my entire adult life—a great relationship with myself. Like so many, I had believed (or hoped) that when I found my soulmate I would live happily ever after. Until I realized that my soulmate was me. And that’s when my life changed forever!

What Really Makes A Great Relationship?

Now this may come as a shock to some of you, but having a GREAT relationship involves NO TRICKS, NO GIMMICKS. Rather, generally speaking, it involves:

* feeling and healing copious amounts of historical pain (some of which you may have currently blocked out);
* knowing who you are and what you want; possessing effective communication skills and a large amount of discernment;
* having a daily self-care practice; and, oh yeah, the ability to give yourself everything you want from another person. (You need a real track record of doing all this vs. simply having good intentions of all of the above).

These skills are fundamental to what I call the “relationship toolbelt.” What I have learned after 28 years on a path of self-discovery and over 25 years working in the personal development industry is that there is a dream that some folks get lucky, the right one comes along and, yes, they live happily ever after. (I have met, uh, no one that falls into this category.) For most of us, if we want the good stuff (and I certainly did) it was about getting real, then realistic and figuring out a plan on how I was going to be successful in this area of my life. I mean, come on—most of go to school for years preparing ourselves to go out and be successful at whatever we want to be successful at, and even then, it escapes so many of us.

Imagine trying to run a business without a plan! Having a good idea is not enough, just like chemistry is not enough or thinking someone is hot, or sexy or looks good or is nice—it’s just not enough to create and maintain a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship! So, what is enough? Honestly, I always say, it takes everything you’ve got! Did for me. And it’s been worth it!! That’s why my husband and I created CORR©, Certificate of Responsible Relationship. We realized that there were, at minimum, six skills we used daily (and still do) that made (and still makes) our relationship GREAT, and turned them into part of a program that would help people attract and create healthy, fulfilling sustainable relationships!

How To Date A Daddy’s Girl

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Wed, 06 May 2009 14:00:32 +0000

She’s daddy’s little princess? Treat her like your queen! This won’t spoil her. Rather, it will touch her in such a way that you will stand out from the crowd. Keep reading to discover the daddy’s girl’s mind set and the secret to what she needs from you in order to feel safe and loved by you.

Understanding A Daddy’s Girl

If you are a single man out there dating today, chances are most of the women you date are daddy’s girls. Ever since women stepped up during World War II to take the place of men in the workplace who went off to war, competent, successful, capable women have been proud to bear the title “daddy’s girl.” Although not every daddy’s girl is “daddy’s little princess,” all daddy’s girls are competent women who are used to taking charge. Even the daddy’s girl who is submissive and a willing servant will take charge of your happiness 24/7. This is a crucial understanding to have if you want to have success with the adult daddy’s girl you date.

Daddy’s girls are raised to believe that it is within their power and necessary for them to take care of everyone they love. She may boss you around or serve your every need, be one of the guys or frilly from head to toe, but her motivation is to take care of you because she is convinced this is the only thing that will bring her fulfillment. I’m sorry to have to say it, but this is a lie! As a man, the idea that your woman’s route to fulfillment is all about pleasing you might be a very juicy idea! However, a woman loves best who finds her fulfillment from within herself.

How To Love A Daddy’s Girl

What daddy’s girls need is reassurance that their feelings are cherished and the freedom to kick back, relax, and receive. Giving her these things can prove to be a huge challenge, but you’re a man, you can handle it!

When you ask her out for that first date, be assertive and have plans. If you take her out to eat, rather than ask her what restaurant she would like to go to, save that level of casualness for after you have been dating for awhile. Have specific plans, be bold, and share them with her. If you have been dating for awhile, periodically be assertive and make specific plans. Your assurance in yourself reassures her that she can rely on you to take care of her. Daddy’s girls are used to people taking advantage of their ability to take responsibility. Every time you remind her she can count on you makes an impression on her.

Respecting A Daddy’s Girl

While you are on the date, a daddy’s girl isn’t likely to hang on your every word. She is an intelligent woman used to making contributions to conversations. At times, you may find yourself competing with her for attention! Respect her mind and accomplishments, but not too much. Now why would I say that? When you respect a woman, you treat her like a man. As a daddy’s girl, this woman spends too much time existing in the world like a man: being decisive, taking action, handling responsibilities. When she is in your hands, you will capture her attention if you can create the space for her to trust your lead while relaxing her mind and body.

Besides, the best way to show a woman respect is to cherish her feelings. When she talks about her accomplishments and decisive action in her work life, ask her how it made her feel. When you want to try and fix something she’s sharing with you, ask her what her desire was about the situation. Did she desire a different outcome? How might she get that desire met in a similar situation in the future? How did she feel when what she wanted was thwarted? As a man, these kinds of questions may feel “sticky” and dangerous to you. She will get it, though. It will take her to a feminine space she may be unfamiliar with but a space she will feel grateful for having been led to.

Giving Her What She Needs

As she learns she can trust sharing her feelings with you, the responsibility on your end for asking the questions will go away. Once a woman realizes a man cherishes her feelings, she longs to share them with him. He doesn’t have to ask! The question then becomes creating balance so that there is more to the relationship than just listening to her share her feelings! But that is another subject!

There are things you can do on a date to assist her in kicking back, relaxing, and receiving. Insist on getting doors for her. Pull the chair out for her to sit in. Let her walk into the movie isle first. When you walk with her along a sidewalk, position yourself between her and traffic. These little things may seem small or even condescending. But they communicate that you are the man and that she is worthy of being treated like royalty. If she resists these efforts on your part to help her kick back, relax, and receive from you, use your attitude and words to reassure her that this is about her worthiness and status. It shouldn’t take long to win the battle and have her enjoying your attention.

Daddy’s girls can be a challenge because of their orientation that it is all up to them, that they are superior to men, and that men need them more than they need men. You can be the difference maker in her life by vigilantly showing up as the man who understands her real value, cherishes her feelings, and gives her the freedom to kick back, relax, and receive for a change. Good luck with this. She is worth the challenge and you are worth the prize!

Do You See Yourself Completely?

Greg Halpen — Fri, 01 May 2009 18:11:17 +0000

There comes a time in one’s life when deep introspection needs to happen; especially when it comes to evolving from being a risky dater to being a smart dater. I know, there are many reasons why you’re not dating smart or not dating at all. You’re either working hard to raise a kid and need to pay the mortgage, you’re too shy to get out there and meet new people- because you think you are not good enough or you just don’t think it’ll ever happen – meeting the man of your dreams!

One Clients’ Journey

I have to say, my clients are pretty darn special and the most amazing people I have had the honor of coaching. I’ve been working with a particular client for a little over 5 months now and we’re at the point where our interactions just flow back and forth, like the ebb and flow of the tide. The co-creative relationship is so precious.

Why this particular client?

In the middle of our last session, he arrived at the awareness that his ideal partner is essentially himself and our work together has been about him building a meaningful relationship with the love of his life; again himself. This was a profound awakening for him and not to mention, something really cool for me to witness. Now, I know many gay men stomp their foot down, egos is hand, claiming they do not want a carbon copy of themselves. What I mean is, how you see yourself in the world and how you are being in the world, is how you will know when Mr. Wonderful is right in front of you. The important qualities you see in yourself are the one you’ll recognize in him.

His current homework assignment was to report to me each night via email how he sees himself completely during his day. This is his first email: “I see myself completely and realize that I don’t always ask for what I need, I say I’m ok when really deep down I’m not. I see myself completely when I realize that being vulnerable, telling someone exactly what I need, is hard for me to do.”

You see, he is beginning to recognize when he isn’t being true to himself. Sometimes our needs slip away, but to recognize and acknowledge it, is a very powerful thing. Just like when it comes to your own love life. Are you tending to your own dating needs? Are you seeking out guys who meet your requirements and values? If you’re not, chances are you’re needs need tending to. Are you pretty lost when it comes to knowing what your requirements are for a relationships? Is it hard to lead from your core values?

Your Relationship Success Assignment

For the next five days, take time at the end of your day to sit down and reflect where you see yourself completely. Where were you being true to yourself? Where were you inviting presence into a certain situation? As soon as you can get clear on how you see yourself, you will get clearer on who you are at the core, what the ideal partner and relationship looks like and you’ll soon start uncovering the road that will get you there.

YOU are a truly unique person with unique needs AND the power to make it happen, because only YOU can make it happen!

How To Date A Mama’s Boy

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 01:00:26 +0000

Mama’s boys have been getting a lot of press lately. Everyone wants to know how to avoid them. I’m not giving you that advice because if you avoid mama’s boys, there aren’t many men left over for you to choose from! There are many types of mama’s boys who don’t let you see that trait in them until you’ve reached a certain level of commitment. For some, that commitment is marriage. For others, it is the magical third date.

Are Men That Manipulative?

It makes it seem like they snare you before revealing their true selves, right? Well, they’re not that methodically manipulative! Most men are not proud of their mama’s boy traits. You don’t get to see it until a certain level of commitment is reached because they are waiting to trust you before letting their guard down. There is a trick to dating (and eventually marrying) a mama’s boy that does not include throwing him back.

Mama’s boys come in all shapes and sizes of personality. Some are bullies and overbearing, others are nurturing caretakers, while others are into sports and manly activities. Some have interfering mothers but others have moms that are adorable! Mama’s boys missed out on the opportunity, during puberty, to enter their fathers’ sphere of influence. It’s a complex issue. What they have in common is the need to have their women affirm their masculinity as if the women have it to give.

Now, whether through your own observation, reading about it, or hearing about it, it is common knowledge that men love to have their masculinity affirmed by their women. That is a juicy experience for a man, which means there is a nice pay off for you! However, what we’re talking about here is a desire for affirmation as if that is the only way he can feel like a man; as if you have some power of masculinity to impart to him.

How To Affirm Your Partner’s Masculinity

You know this is what you are dealing with when not giving it to him results in some measure of punishment for you. Whether it is his pouting, disappearing into his cave, demanding affirmation, raising his voice in anger, feeling his bitterness because you are withholding something he requires from you, to verbally or physically abusing you, it is that level of need we are discussing here. A woman can affirm her man’s masculinity but if he isn’t grounded in his own masculine power, she doesn’t have that to give to him.

What a woman can do is discipline herself to maintain her own femininity no matter who she is dating. When a mama’s boy falls for you, he wants to be the man. He wants to be your knight in shining armor. He wants to be that powerful, masculine man for you! For the relationship to be successful, you need to take advantage of that.

When you put attention on grounding yourself in your femininity, in being a receptive yet powerful woman, in having the stature of a woman worthy of love and adoration, your words and behavior will be affected in such a way that the man sitting across the table from you will rise to meet the challenge. When he does this, he will be in the process of winning the battle between his real masculinity and the mama’s boy who would otherwise pull on you or push against you for confirmation.

Let The Real Woman Inside You Out To Play!

If you are like most women in the Western world, this discipline of being The Woman creates a struggle in you as well. Sitting across the table from him, you will be winning the battle between your real femininity and the daddy’s girl who would otherwise believe she needs to take care of him, as if he is a little boy, in order to find fulfillment.

As you practice being the woman, not fixing him, not rescuing him, but being receptive to his attention and creating the space for him to be the man, he will either show up prepared to win his own internal battle, proving himself worthy of you; or, the mama’s boy traits will rush to the surface in an effort to manipulate you. At that point, you know whether or not you want to continue.

If you do want to continue and the two of you fall in love and begin to create a solid relationship, the mama’s boy inside your man will always be there. The daddy’s girl inside you will always be there. These two will clamor for attention in ways that will sometimes seem to sabatoge your relationship. However, there is always the choice for him to be The Man and for you to be The Woman. You cannot call forth his masculine power by demanding it. But you can encourage and seduce it to the forefront as you discipline yourself to be The Woman, giving both of you space to show up as two adults in love, rather than children working out childhood issues.

Being the woman in your romantic relationship is a discipline. It will grow you in ways that make you yummy and irresistible to men, if you let it! And it will attract the type of man you desire as well.

Can Dating Make You Sick?

Greg Halpen — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:59:02 +0000

I’ve been talking to a lot of single gay men around the world about dating and what dating means to them; I noticed one common element when it comes to their derailed love lives. Here’s what they’re saying: I hate dating or I just want to bypass all that dating stuff and get to the gold. For me personally, I hate to date. I hate having to tell someone it’s not a match. I always make the wrong choices.

Can You Get Smart About Dating?

It’s quite obvious that dating turns their stomach, but yet again they take the fast track approach and find themselves in another uncomfortable dating/relationship situation. Well, my gut reaction is telling me all of this drama can be avoided if one simply gets smart about dating. The bottom line? If you take your time, do the groundwork and check in with that part of you that wants to have everything right away, I guarantee you will avoid the heartache and the truth of the situation with reveal itself.

Now, Greg, I urge you to really pay attention here, as well as anyone else who needs a bit of dating advice. You need to understand, without FIRST establishing a foundation of healthy dating; you’ll be doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over.

Ok, I know you’re a sweet, caring, non-reactive man with so much to offer a relationship. You’re doing exceptionally well in your career or business, but you made the choice to give your personal life the back seat. You probably even feel like all the pieces in your life are finally in place, except for the “relationship” part.

What are you willing to do to ensure that your love life takes the front seat? Are you finally ready to acknowledge that part of you who deep down inside desires a loving, meaningful relationship? After all, you do have so much to offer, right? To get you started, I’ve compiled a list of 7 reasons why I think dating is hard for you and how you can turn it around.

Why Dating Sucks And How To Make It Shine

1. You don’t do the ground work. After three, four, and even five dates, you’ve already made the decision that he’s the right guy for you. This is your life we’re talking about. Dating is about being smart, gathering information, exploring each others’ world and defining what the relationship means to you.

2. You spend way too much time on the first, second and even third date. As the old saying goes, “Less is best.” Keep the meeting short and sweet. Make that choice to spend at least 45 minutes on the first date. Get a feel for him, be observant and present. Remember, this is the first impression he’ll get of you.

3. You approach dating with a lot of desperation. Gosh, we all want to love and be loved, but you haven’t grasped the true value in being a successful single yet. You haven’t taken care of the important areas of your life; emotional, financial, spiritual and supportive, so you can date with confidence and freedom. Including these three VITAL areas; core values, relationship requirements and skills, that need exploring and optimizing.

4. You don’t know how to be authentic. I know in business and career you are at the TOP of your game, but for some strange reason when it comes to matters of the heart, you become paralyzed. Being social is something that might be a challenge for you. You might even believe that if you were to be the real you, you might scare him off. Is that really true and how do you know that to be true? Remember, there is something about being vulnerable with another person that makes makes you so beautiful.

5. You can’t wait to have sex. The connection is right and the sexual attraction is on high. You think if you connect sexually, that means you are right for each other in terms of a committed relationship. Well, the fact is, sex and sexual attraction is only a small part of the relationship equation. Having sex too soon can cloud your judgment.

6. Your standards are too high. Relax on this one. Someone recently told me that he’s been single for 10 years and refuses to date due to not being able to meet someone who can meet up to his high standards. Those are his words exactly. Sounds fishy to me. It’s perfectly fine to have standards, in fact, I recommend them – BUT are they realistic and are they based on your core values?

7. You forget to have fun. This one really sums it up. Have fun, keep it simple and smile.

Create Your Love Life By Design – NOT Default!

Greg, it’s time to start creating your love life by design and NOT by default, and everyone who thinks dating might be making them sick can do it to! Just like the saying goes, If you build it they will come. If you do the ground work, build a solid foundation and sound structure by knowing who you are, what you want in an ideal partner and relationship and how to get there, not only will you sense amazing spaciousness around everything that happens in your life, relationship opportunities will start to surface.

Feeling Shy with the Hotties? Ten Can’t Miss Flirting Moves

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 23:56:58 +0000

Flirting is phenomenal! It is a playful, fun activity that helps you feel more attractive and boosts your flirtee’s self esteem. Flirting can be a complete encounter; it doesn’t mean you have to go any farther. As long as you are in a safe public place, a little flirting is a fun, uplifting activity. Within a relationship, flirting is very important: it gives your date or partner clear “go” signals that indicate you find him attractive.

Flirting Is Essential

Flirting is especially important to practice if you are shy or nervous with men or typically caught in a deadly dating pattern I call “Just Buddies.” In this all too common pattern you have guy friends at work or outside, watch sports with them, play video or other games with them, but create no romantic connections. Then you wonder why none of these men are into you.

Dylan, a brilliant, hard-working engineer, whose gorgeous bod was permanently camouflaged in pantsuits or sweats, talks about her Just Buddies pattern:
I work with a lot of guys and I love sports, so we wind up going out after work to sports bars, kicking back a few drinks and doing the guy thing together. I’m the one they tell all their girl problems to. It’s all great, except for Rob, who I think I’ve been in love with for the past year. He just got engaged! During the Love in 90 Days program, I realized that I’m afraid to be more of a woman with a guy. Truth is, I don’t really know how to flirt and have never asked anyone for help. Dylan got over her deadly dating pattern by dressing in more feminine clothes and by flirting. She is now having an incredible time dating terrific guys.

Are You Like Dylan?

Like Dylan, many of us simply feel like we don’t know how to flirt. We see our girlfriends doing it, starting spirited connections with men and leaving us in the dust. But the truth is that flirting is a skill that can be learned! If flirting doesn’t come naturally, try it first on men who are not threatening to you like Dylan did with her game night friends. But make sure you eventually build up to the hotties. If you are nervous, blushing or shy, let it be. This kind of energy is particularly endearing and attractive. And surprisingly enough, if you are very attractive, flirting is especially important! The good men are often quite intimidated by a beautiful woman, and you have to be very clear in signaling your interest.

10 Key Flirting Moves

From Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love:

1. Make eye contact and smile. If he makes lingering or repeated eye contact back, he is probably interested.
2. Ask for help as you adjust your shoe, lean on his arm and adjust it.
3. Look at him, look away, then look back.
4. While sitting, cross your legs and jiggle your foot in his direction.
5. Touch him lightly on the arm, shoulder or neck.
6. Touch your lips, neck or chest.
7. Brush your hand through your hair.
8. Play with your hair, clothing or an object.
9. Whisper in his ear.
10. Give him a mini-massage.

Pick two or three of these simple flirting acts and try them out. You will be amazed at how easy they are to do. Then try a few more. Over time you can become accomplished at flirting whenever you want to, no matter how attractive a hottie is! Learn more about busting through shyness and finding, attracting and dating terrific guys in Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

He’s Just Not That Into You

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 13:32:39 +0000

I finally went to see the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” expecting it to be a downer. I mean, that’s a pretty negative title. It says it all, doesn’t it? It points to how single women are prone to read entirely too much into the smallest crumb of affection or attention from a man, disappointing themselves over and over again with one man after another who just isn’t that into them. I was happily surprised when the movie had a happy, feel good ending I could believe!

I also spent the whole movie talking to the screen. I said things like, “Girl…don’t do it!” “Woman, do not even think it!” “Stop!” “Don’t…don’t…don’t!” “Oy Vey!” and “Oh, sweetie, don’t go there…” Fortunately, there weren’t many people at this showing and I didn’t disturb anyone!

Your Feelings Aren’t An Indication Of His

The truth is that in spite of all my warnings to the various women on screen, I have committed every single act of desperation, hope, and longing they did in the story. We women want so deeply to be loved in a way that makes us feel seen, heard, and valued. And there is nothing wrong with that! It is a natural part of our physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual make up that helps us thrive. The trick is learning to love ourselves enough to wait for the real thing to come along!

In the meantime, here are some lessons I realized I had learned as I watched beautiful Hollywood actresses act out scenes that could have been taken from my life not so long ago.

First of all, the extent to which you have feelings for him are not an indication of how he feels about you. Whether you have a crush on him, are lusting after him, or genuinely believe you love him, your feelings are not an indication of his level of interest in you. If he is interested, he will call you. If he has a crush on you, he will not need your permission to pursue you. If he lusts after you or genuinely believes he loves you, he will do whatever it takes to seduce you! Therefore, if he takes no action to let you know he is interested in you, love yourself enough to either give him the space to just be a friend or let him go. Do not read intention into little things he says or does just because you care for him. That will not serve you.

“Wifing” Him Can Only Bring Trouble

Unless he has made a commitment to you, do not clean up after him or on his behalf! Acting like the little wife with him might make you feel all cozy and dreamy inside; but if he has neither seduced you nor made a profession of love and commitment to you, then cleaning up after him or on his behalf will humiliate you. You are better than that!

Whether or not you clean up after your man once you two are in love and committed to each other is a different article! Here, we are just addressing the inclination a woman has to play house in a way that will humiliate her if his heart isn’t in the right place.

If he is married, beware of seduction, professions of love, and commitments made to you. Unless he is already legally separated from his wife, he is not a free man. No matter what he says, if he is not at least legally separated, he is playing you as he seduces you. That man has commitment and self-esteem issues. It isn’t your job to rescue him or fix him. You owe it to yourself to love yourself enough to take a breath, give yourself some space, and figure out why you attracted him in the first place so you can move forward attracting healthier men.

Why Sex Is So Important

If you are in a committed relationship and you are not having sex, take a good, long look at why that is so. There are times when sex becomes the least important aspect of a relationship for a season. Reasons like battling a disease, dealing with depression, the birth of a baby, and having to take extended business trips come to mind. But if you are abstaining from sex without a mutually agreed upon reason, your relationship is at risk.

Sex is not the most important part of a romantic relationship. However, unless the reason makes sense and is agreed upon by the pair of you, not having sex becomes the biggest indicator that a relationship is ending (or has ended). Again, you ought to take a breath and some space to love yourself enough to figure out how you intend to deal with this. Ignoring it will not make it better.

You are worth falling in love with! And falling in love begins with you falling in love with you. Learn to practice slowing down, taking a breath, and creating space so you can get your head and your heart straight about what is best for you in romance.

When it comes to falling in love, expect more for yourself because you are worth it. And when he is just not that into you, give him a gentle smile and turn your attention elsewhere. The positive self-regard you will grow in the process will pay off when the right one does a double take as you come into view!

3 Ways To Be An Unforgettable Boyfriend And Make Her Forget About Her Ex

Lee Jenkins, author Female Orgasm Black Book — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 01:23:20 +0000

There are women who got burned so badly by their previous relationships that they don’t want to venture out into the ‘unknown’ anymore. These women are jaded, cynical about love, and think sex is overrated. When a guy finds a hot girl, who just happened to be afflicted by the “man hate” syndrome, what does he do? A guy can either look the other way or pursue her despite the slim chance of breaking through the thick barrier of barb that she put up. Some women are really impossible to ignore, they are mesmerizing, even if they give out a haunted (and hunted) vibe, like they are always on the lookout for men who are just waiting to prey on their vulnerability and use them for selfish carnal pleasures.

What To Do When She’s Been Burned

The primary thing to consider is that no matter how badly you want to know, the story behind her heartbreak should be left alone. However, building her life back and possibly sharing a future with you are definitely things that concern you. Tread carefully. Be as unobtrusive as possible, but always be within her reach just in case she feels like talking. It is possible to keep a person company from afar, particularly if you have already told her that you’re just there if she needs you.

When you finally get her to open up, this is your chance to show her that you are way better than her ex.

Of course, you cannot promise a bed of roses, but there are certainly some things that you can do to prove to her that you, as a man, operate on a higher level than the guy who broke her heart.

1. Love Her Back

This seems like a daunting feat for those who don’t know how. Return her calls, be emotionally available, and tell her that while you may be busy most of the time, she is always in your thoughts. Basically, not taking a woman for granted is the best way to win her over. Ask her opinion about where to go and what to do during your date. Staying open and extremely considerate is very important, particularly during the time when she’s still learning to trust you.

2. Be a Gentleman

You know those simple things like opening the door for her or pulling the chair? Those gestures are not lost on her. Of course, you have to be consistent and make these gallant gestures a habit. Doing these only during your initial dates will make her think that the gestures are a put on.

3. Make Her Orgasm During Sex

No amount of gallantry, gift-giving and mushy loving could make her consider you as a constant in her life if she discovers that you are not sexually compatible. The ability to give her the time of her life in bed will catapult you from “boyfriend material” to “The One”. If she has told you that she thinks “sex is overrated” more than a couple of times, there’s a big chance that she has never experienced an orgasm in the past.

Even if she did experience sensational sex with her ex, your knowledge of how to make her orgasm will stack nicely with the fact that you are the most gallant, most considerate guy she has ever met; and this will erase all notions of her past loves.

Take just a minute to check out ‘The Female Orgasm Black Book’: “How To Give Her Mind Numbing, Leg Shaking Orgasms”

13 Deadly Mistakes to Avoid on a Date

Alex Strandberg — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 13:58:21 +0000

Have you ever been excited about a date only to end up spending the night alone and frustrated? Staying up half the night asking yourself ‘What went wrong?’

I know I have many times. After each date ended badly I walked away feeling powerless over my dating life. It felt like there was something that I wasn’t getting that most men did.

I believe if guys avoid these 13 deadly mistakes like it was the plague, their chances of getting a second date would dramatically improve. I choose the unlucky number thirteen because when it comes to dating making these mistakes will cause you to be very unlucky.

1. Not Breathing

First dates can be nerve wrecking. The pressure can be so high that you feel like you have swallowed a whole jar of butterflies. Sweaty palms and nervous ticks can be greatly reduced by sitting back and breathing.

If you ever find anxiety building up inside of yourself focus on taking long deep breaths. This will allow you to calm yourself down and get back to enjoying the date.

2. Being Too Far Away From Your Date

How can you go in for a kiss if she is five feet away? You can’t, so get a little closer to her. Guys tend to end up in the friend zone far too often because they aren’t getting close enough to the girl. Friends keep their distance while lovers come in a little too close for comfort.

Don’t start out the night two inches away from her face because it will creep her out. Work your way from a distance and get closer and closer as the night goes on.

3. Wanting Her to Like You

Nothing spells neediness like wanting her approval. It is the number one attraction killer. If you are desperate for her to like you don’t be surprised when she gets a call from a friend telling her that a family member has been in an emergence and she needs to go to the hospital right away.

Instead of trying to get her to like you ask yourself if you like her. When you qualify a woman, your insecurities and fears are greatly reduced. You are now in a position of choice instead getting her to approve of you.

4. Saying Sorry Too Many Times

Saying sorry too often is a very unhealthy habit. You say sorry and she thinks, “Oh God not another nice guy.” Accidents happen and are automatically forgiven, that’s why they are accidents. There is no need to say sorry every time you accidentally bump into her or make a minor mistake.

If you do something horrible like telling her that her ass is fat or spilling a drink in her new purse, then it requires a sincere apology. Anything beyond psychological or physical damage doesn’t warrant an apology.

5. Taking Her Out to Dinner….

You Said What?! Seven Things You Should Never Say To A Woman

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 13:27:28 +0000

When people teach the Law of Attraction, they explain that what you put your attention on increases. In an effort to explore why bad things happen, they teach that worrying about negative things can actually attract them to you.

Worry Is Natural

Because worry is a natural response to living, compulsive personality types can find this concept quite challenging. Suddenly one is worrying about worrying for fear of attracting something bad.

One day I heard my favorite Law of Attraction teacher explain something that completely calmed me on this issue. If someone hands you a tall glass of cold milk and you think to yourself, “Don’t spill the milk,” you will not spill the milk. When you want to avoid something, as long as you are thoughtful and do not zone out, you can accomplish avoiding it rather than attracting it.

So following is a list of things you should never say to a woman. I trust that our looking at what not to say will not result in the very thing we are trying to avoid!

These statements to avoid saying can feel perfectly innocent, even complimentary in the moment. However, uttering them can create a cold chill in the room that may take lots of work to heat back up.

“Golly! You’ve got quite the appetite!” Among men, a healthy appetite is evidence of health, well being, and enjoying each other’s company. Verbalizing the observation of a woman’s healthy appetite can make her feel like a glutton.

“You’re looking really good for your age!” Whereas one woman could make this observation to another (maybe, under ideal circumstances between the best of friends), a man making it is like pouring cold water on the person he wants to impress the most.

“My mom did it this way.” Whether you compare her to your mother favorably or unfavorably, your woman doesn’t want to remind you of your mother! Even when she sometimes mothers you, she doesn’t want to remind you of HER!

“That was delicious – just like my ex used to make.” Letting her know she really satisfied your appetite should end at she satisfied your appetite! No comparisons to the ex, ever!

“Your mom is sexy!” Now, a woman might appreciate admiring her own mother, realizing that her mom really does look great for her age and so she too stands a good chance of still being sexy herself twenty-five years from now. But hearing you admire her mom this way will just make her feel “icky” and diminished in comparison!

You Said What?! Continued….

The Easy Way To Get A Girlfriend

Alex Shalman — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 13:07:51 +0000

On many occasions my guy friends would come to me for advice and ask me how they could get a girlfriend. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been dating since 6th grade, or possibility because they’ve never seen me without a girlfriend.

When it comes to dating, the number one thing to do is organize our priorities. It follows that the number one question to ask ourselves is, “why do I want to be in a relationship.”

Why Do YOU Want to Be in a Relationship?

The answer to this question will be very unique and personal to you. It could be for fun, for sex, for security, for comfort or a large variety of other reasons. Whatever your reason is, it’s important for you to have a clear distinction of what you’re looking for.

My current style of dating is “dating for marriage.” This means that I’m looking for someone that I think will make an awesome wife, will fulfill my needs till death do us part, and someone that I’ll be able to give my love to fully and easily. I would define this as a passionate-friendship.

This hasn’t always been my style of dating though. My dating technique used to consist of dating anybody who was interested in me.

With that technique at the center of my game I made some very wrong choices. Choices that would ultimately leave me feeling frustration and a lack of control.

Through much trial and error, and over a decade of dating, I’ve put together the pieces of the dating puzzle.

Now it’s simple to see that being a confident dater, and getting the person that you want, is as simple as defining what it is that you are looking for.

“So You’ve Figured it Out. Good For You, But What About Me?”

I have no intention of leaving you hanging without the answer that you’re looking for. The way to figure out what you want is to sit down with yourself, and carefully do an extensive self-examination of all of your needs and wants.

The key to this is to ask yourself all the right questions in all the important categories.

These questions aren’t magic, nor are they secret, and I have full intention of freely divulging them to you, at no charge, and at your earliest convenience.

While I’m at it though, I’d like to tell you some of the other tips and tricks that I have deciphered over the years.

What Do You Really Want?

I’d like to help you understand exactly what it is that you want. Then, I will show you how to build up the confidence so that you realize you deserve to have what you want.

After that, we’ll work on approaching the person of your dreams. We’ll work on communicating powerfully, so that you can really get your point across. Then we’ll close the deal together, as you learn a couple of sure-fire tactics for closing the deal and asking them out.

The great part about what I’m going to show you is that it’s not just for getting into a relationship, or “picking up girls (or guys).”

This technique works for people that are already in a relationship, and it also works for building successful business relationships.

This is where a lot of internet markets would say, come and get it for the low low price of something-something dollars.

However, I’m not selling anything. I genuinely want you to be in an amazing relationship, much like the one I went out and got, so that you can be fulfilled.

Mirroring – Discover This Little Known 1st Date Secret (Video)

Victorya Rogers — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 13:12:59 +0000

Going on a first date can be intimidating, no matter how long you’ve been on the dating scene. Fortunately, there are a few ways you can ensure first date success.

One of the most successful ways to hit it off with someone on a first date is using a technique called “mirroring.”

Mirroring is a technique that you can use to help your date feel comfortable with you almost instantly so you can focus on getting to know them.

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What is mirroring?

Mirroring is actually something that good friends and couples do naturally. For example, if you’re at dinner with a friend and they lean further towards the table, you might unconsciously do the same.

If you’re sitting in a theater watching a movie and you cross your legs, your boyfriend or husband might cross his legs too. When you’re comfortable with someone, you will naturally mirror their body language and movements and they’ll naturally mirror yours.

How can you use mirroring to your advantage on a first date?

Naturally, you’re not going to instantly and unconsciously mirror someone on a first date and it’s unlikely that they’ll mirror you. This could be a reason why first dates are often so awkward! However, you can use your understanding of the mirroring technique to make the first date jitters a little easier to handle and help make your date feel more comfortable with you.

When you’re on a first date, pay special attention to your date’s body language. You want to try to mirror them in a way that looks unconscious by you, like natural mirroring, without looking strange or suspicious.

This might take a few tries to really get down pat, so it’s helpful if you try to practice your mirroring technique with friends first. They can give you input on how your mirroring looks to someone besides yourself.

Using mirroring from now on

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