Single Mother Raising Boys, Oh, My!

Elaine Williams — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 15:18:50 +0000

My kids were 11, 18 and 19 when their father died. Many days I felt at a loss as to how to help my boys deal with their grief.

How Death Affects The Kids

My oldest son moved away from home, no doubt attempting to establish his independence. Emotionally, I had a very difficult time with this. He was living in a dumpy apartment and associating with people I didn’t know and appeared to have embraced a partying lifestyle.

Even though my 18 year old remained at home, he became distant, leaving me to wonder what was going on inside. I knew intuitively he was as wounded as I felt, but he refused to acknowledge or share anything.

My youngest would cling to me, emotionally and physically. He once asked what would happen if I died also. I reassured him I expected to live a long time, but reassured him that his aunt would take care of him if something did happen to me. What do you say? I admit that for a short while I feared something would happen to me also.

Dealing With Life

Day-to-day living was sometimes excruciating, but there was no getting away from it, life had to be dealt with. The first two and a half years I would never want to relive, but we all came through it, handling each day not always perfectly, but the best we could at the time.

Hopefully we all learned from the mistakes and moved forward. As a parent, you don’t want to see your kids hurting or making the wrong choices, but ultimately, it’s not up to you.

My kids and I grew through the last several years, and perhaps the best thing learned was that life does go on. No one can ever say life after loss is easy, but that’s just life; sometimes it smacks you when you don’t see it coming. If we’re lucky, we rise to the occasion in the best way we know how.

Life wounds each of us in various ways, it’s how we come out of the wounding that tells the truest sense of who we are, or can be.

As a mother raising boys, I’ve found it’s a work in progress, but if we meet the challenges and do the best we can, that’s all we can ask of ourselves.

How To Start Living (and Dating) Again After The Death Of Your Partner

Elaine Williams — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 13:00:36 +0000

As a widow of almost five years I know how hard it is to pick yourself up after the loss of a spouse. In the early days it’s sometimes difficult just getting out of bed.

You wonder if that numbness will ever recede or will your life remain a monotonous series of nothing-ness. Eventually, a new normal will creep into your life, and a healing can take place, if you allow it.

Dating Can Be Fun!

Dating again can be a wonderful experience, if you decide that is the right course for you. Whether you’re looking for another partner or still undecided, there are some exciting ways you can create a life that is rewarding for YOU.

Try something a little different each week. Start out easy and don’t set yourself up for defeat.

How to Create a New Life

Go to lunch by yourself for the first time. I recall the first time I did this after my husband’s death. I live in a small town and was sure everyone who knew me was staring at me since I felt so self-conscious. Bring something to read while you wait for your food order, even if it’s just your mail.

Have you been invited out but declined social events or dinners because you’re solo and know everyone else will be paired up? Go anyway. If you think you’ll feel awkward, ask if you can bring a girlfriend.

Don’t wait for someone else to jumpstart your life. Take charge, even if you’re only moving ahead at a snail’s place.

Take Charge!

Call up a girl or guy friend and meet for a movie. Many times I’ve gone by myself. Either way is fine, just know you don’t need someone else to have a great time. Get yourself out of that rut and invest in you.

Do you like to dance? Check out places around town or in the neighboring towns that offer dance lessons, no partner needed.

How about that pottery or water color class you always thought would be interesting? Look into instruction at your local colleges, art stores or artist colony.

Be Active

If you’re an outdoors person maybe you’d like to research some hiking trails. There’s plenty of clubs that cater to various levels of hiking endurance and ability. Again, check your local sporting goods store bulletin or ask around.

Cross country skiing, snow shoeing, horseback riding. There are all kinds of fun things to do. If you prefer a slower pace, how about meeting with friends for a walk a few times a week?

Find Out What’s Available Near You

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