Ask Dan and Jennifer » dating help

Presents Or Presence?

Maryanne Comaroto — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 22:00:07 +0000

I got an email recently after I gave a talk at a booksigning. I’d talked about being present and the importance of surrounding yourself with people who were also present. The woman explained she had been dating a man she met recently who was a successful lobbyist, but who was just as distracted. Here’s what she had to say about the rest of the story.

Being Present In Your Own Life

This weekend, another man, a very old friend, came to town…we’ve known each other 35 years (college). He came to my studio and asked about my work, and he was incredibly “present” with me. And you are right, it was a total and complete turn-on. Whoa!

The next day, I had dinner with the other man (the lobbyist) and he spent most of the time talking about how his recent ex-girlfriend is using a popular dating website and how her profile is full of lies, and that he ought to get his own profile … Big turn-off! We were supposed to go on a date this Saturday but I cancelled it because I decided I would rather have my own precious company, than his!

She followed up with another note a few days later.

Hi Maryanne, so interesting what happens when I choose me. I came home to find a huge box of flowers from my college friend. I’m sure that saying goodbye to that lobbyist was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Thank you…

J..Alder, Nor Cal

Bottom line, ladies and gentlemen: when we don’t know who we are, what we want or have our priorities intact, we fall into the default loop that was programmed into our subconscious long ago. We all know the drill: tall dark and handsome, good in the sack, rich, whatever. At some point we start to realize these arent things that make a great relationship. Someone we thought was hot becomes really unattractive when their real character starts to show.

Choosing Someone Who Is Present In Their Own Lives

I have met too many people who, time and again, confess that the things they thought they wanted werent essential at allor, at minimum, fell lower on the priority list than they once realized.

Perhaps rather than hot and successful being at the top of the list, you could alter it some and require that certain other qualities be immediately apparent. Things like being present to their lives and yours, someone who’s kind, honest, purposeful, and so on. Create your own list! But check it twice as the holidays approach so you don’t make any mistakes. Do you really want someone naughty or do you want someone one who’s mostly nice (and maybe a little naughty only on special occasions)?

13 Deadly Mistakes to Avoid on a Date

Alex Strandberg — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 13:58:21 +0000

Have you ever been excited about a date only to end up spending the night alone and frustrated? Staying up half the night asking yourself ‘What went wrong?’

I know I have many times. After each date ended badly I walked away feeling powerless over my dating life. It felt like there was something that I wasn’t getting that most men did.

I believe if guys avoid these 13 deadly mistakes like it was the plague, their chances of getting a second date would dramatically improve. I choose the unlucky number thirteen because when it comes to dating making these mistakes will cause you to be very unlucky.

1. Not Breathing

First dates can be nerve wrecking. The pressure can be so high that you feel like you have swallowed a whole jar of butterflies. Sweaty palms and nervous ticks can be greatly reduced by sitting back and breathing.

If you ever find anxiety building up inside of yourself focus on taking long deep breaths. This will allow you to calm yourself down and get back to enjoying the date.

2. Being Too Far Away From Your Date

How can you go in for a kiss if she is five feet away? You can’t, so get a little closer to her. Guys tend to end up in the friend zone far too often because they aren’t getting close enough to the girl. Friends keep their distance while lovers come in a little too close for comfort.

Don’t start out the night two inches away from her face because it will creep her out. Work your way from a distance and get closer and closer as the night goes on.

3. Wanting Her to Like You

Nothing spells neediness like wanting her approval. It is the number one attraction killer. If you are desperate for her to like you don’t be surprised when she gets a call from a friend telling her that a family member has been in an emergence and she needs to go to the hospital right away.

Instead of trying to get her to like you ask yourself if you like her. When you qualify a woman, your insecurities and fears are greatly reduced. You are now in a position of choice instead getting her to approve of you.

4. Saying Sorry Too Many Times

Saying sorry too often is a very unhealthy habit. You say sorry and she thinks, “Oh God not another nice guy.” Accidents happen and are automatically forgiven, that’s why they are accidents. There is no need to say sorry every time you accidentally bump into her or make a minor mistake.

If you do something horrible like telling her that her ass is fat or spilling a drink in her new purse, then it requires a sincere apology. Anything beyond psychological or physical damage doesn’t warrant an apology.

5. Taking Her Out to Dinner….

You Said What?! Seven Things You Should Never Say To A Woman

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 13:27:28 +0000

When people teach the Law of Attraction, they explain that what you put your attention on increases. In an effort to explore why bad things happen, they teach that worrying about negative things can actually attract them to you.

Worry Is Natural

Because worry is a natural response to living, compulsive personality types can find this concept quite challenging. Suddenly one is worrying about worrying for fear of attracting something bad.

One day I heard my favorite Law of Attraction teacher explain something that completely calmed me on this issue. If someone hands you a tall glass of cold milk and you think to yourself, “Don’t spill the milk,” you will not spill the milk. When you want to avoid something, as long as you are thoughtful and do not zone out, you can accomplish avoiding it rather than attracting it.

So following is a list of things you should never say to a woman. I trust that our looking at what not to say will not result in the very thing we are trying to avoid!

These statements to avoid saying can feel perfectly innocent, even complimentary in the moment. However, uttering them can create a cold chill in the room that may take lots of work to heat back up.

“Golly! You’ve got quite the appetite!” Among men, a healthy appetite is evidence of health, well being, and enjoying each other’s company. Verbalizing the observation of a woman’s healthy appetite can make her feel like a glutton.

“You’re looking really good for your age!” Whereas one woman could make this observation to another (maybe, under ideal circumstances between the best of friends), a man making it is like pouring cold water on the person he wants to impress the most.

“My mom did it this way.” Whether you compare her to your mother favorably or unfavorably, your woman doesn’t want to remind you of your mother! Even when she sometimes mothers you, she doesn’t want to remind you of HER!

“That was delicious – just like my ex used to make.” Letting her know she really satisfied your appetite should end at she satisfied your appetite! No comparisons to the ex, ever!

“Your mom is sexy!” Now, a woman might appreciate admiring her own mother, realizing that her mom really does look great for her age and so she too stands a good chance of still being sexy herself twenty-five years from now. But hearing you admire her mom this way will just make her feel “icky” and diminished in comparison!

You Said What?! Continued….

Don’t Ruin Romance with Nail Biting!

Alan B. Densky, CH — Sun, 08 Feb 2009 13:01:07 +0000

The date’s going well, and your eyes have been meeting all through dinner, sending out signals that the two of you are clicking, and you’re feeling hopeful. This could be a spectacular evening. But he (or she) is acting a little standoffish, and you’re just not sure why. You reach out for your date’s hand, and see . . .

Ragged, bleeding skin around where the nails should have been. Slightly disgusted, you put your hand back in your pocket, and walk on toward the car. You try to act like it doesn’t really matter, but the image of raw flesh and bloody cuticles makes your stomach turn. Suddenly, the date doesn’t seem to be going as well.

You’re Not Alone

Lots of people have problems with nail biting, picking at scabs, or pulling at their hair. These are all considered by mental health people to be obsessive-compulsive disorders. Each of these seemingly unbreakable habits are downright humiliating at times, especially when people notice the results and call attention to their hands.

(Can you imagine being at a party, and having a friend suddenly shriek, “You’re bleeding! You need a doctor!” Only to have to respond that your hands always look like this because you can’t stop biting your nails? It’s enough to make you wonder what’s wrong with you!

Bad Habits You Don’t Even Realize You Have

Sometimes, people bite their nails almost automatically, without even thinking about it. They do it as a habit while they are watching television or surfing on the web. Other times, people do this deliberately, and will even stop doing other things so that they can stop and bite their nails.

Why do people bite their nails or pick scabs or pull their hair? Because it is somehow satisfying. The urge to do it is almost uncontrollable, and can be enjoyable or even relaxing somehow.

Nail biting can be soothing and relaxing during times of stress or anxiety. Alternatively, when people are bored, this can somehow stimulate the brain to relieve the boredom. This can explain why people who repeat these behaviors continue to do them over and over. It provides an enjoyable, comforting feeling.

If you suffer from a problem like this, don’t despair. You can overcome this problem. First, understand, you aren’t crazy or helpless, and you can control what you do. You just have a very bad habit that needs to be changed.

Breaking the Nail Biting Habit

Even though you can never really say you’re “cured” from biting your nails, you can experience relief. Just get ready and follow this three-step self-hypnosis process. Best of all, you can purchase CDs or DVDs to help you learn this process right in your own home!

First, you have to learn to relax. This can be very easy to say, but difficult to do. Many different approaches can help you to enter a relaxed state and experience a feeling of relief and well-being.

Next, you have to start becoming aware of your habit. Your unconscious mind is responsible for helping you to do this automatically, but you can learn to become consciously aware of the problem so that you can learn to deal with it better.

Finally, self-hypnosis teaches you to become aware of your nail-biting by instructing the unconscious to alert your conscious mind every time your hands are reaching near your mouth. Once you become consciously aware of this, you can make a conscious decision whether or not you will actually bite your nails.

Another way to overcome a nail biting habit is through Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). NLP experts teach their clients to set up a trigger that will help them stop biting their nails and experience relief from the habit without even becoming aware that they are about to bite their nails.

Practitioners can also help people eliminate the compulsion they feel to bite. Some techniques actually focus on teaching people not to bite. As strange as this may sound, they are very effective and useful.

If you struggle with biting your nails, you are going to have to be realistic about your recovery. First, you’ve been doing this for a long time, repeating the same behaviors over and over for years. It isn’t going to just stop overnight. But progress can be quite rapid when the hypnosis sessions on the CD are listened to on a regular basis.

Just think how wonderful your new manicure will look! And no one will look down at your hands with disgust any more and look down on you! Won’t that be worth it?