Step One: Get It Over With

First and foremost, don’t procrastinate. Once you’re certain you want to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, give yourself a day or two to plan how best to go about things, then carry out the break up. The longer you put things off, the more awkward it will be. Don’t even think about attempting to get the other party to dump you, either. Though it may be tempting to act aloof in the hopes they’ll save you the trouble and end it themselves, that’s cowardly.

Plus, your bad behavior will make you look like a villain to your mutual friends. Once you’ve decided when to break up, it’s time to formulate how to end things. It’s best that you be brave; talk to your future ex in person. If you absolutely cannot bear to do things face to face, calling over the phone is acceptable. However, breaking up in a text message, during an online chat, or in an email is simply not an option. Your S.O. deserves to hear your voice even if you’re not up to looking them in the eye.

Step Two: Get Your Speech Together

So once you’ve settled on when and how you’ll confront your boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s time to plan what you’ll say. Be honest without being harsh or overly hurtful. Don’t be highly accusatory, but if there were relationship problems, don’t leave them unaddressed. You owe it to your partner to explain what went wrong. They need to know for the benefit of their future relationships, and also so they won’t be left wondering why you dumped them. Just be sure to word things as politely as possible while acknowledging your own short comings, as well.

Step Three: The Actual Break Up

Of course, you can only plan ahead for so much. Once the actual break up begins, it’s hard to say how your boyfriend or girlfriend will react. Maybe they’ve secretly been unhappy, too, and will be relieved and calm. On the other hand, they might be completely shocked and extremely upset. Either way, you need to keep your cool. The calmer you manage to remain, the better you’ll look in the end. Don’t be overly cold, though—showing a little empathy will help.

Allow your partner to say their piece without interruption. Don’t evade their questions, and don’t lie to make yourself look better. Stand firm, too. If you’re truly ready to be out of the relationship, don’t give your ex-in-the-making any false hope for a second chance.

Step Four: The Aftermath

Once the break up is done, take a hiatus from speaking with your now-ex. Give them their space and take your own. Otherwise you’ll just prolong the drama. If you have a lot of mutual friends, you should be the bigger person and opt out of group activities so your ex can attend them. Gestures like that aren’t just fair, but also happen to show others that you’re trying to be as polite as possible about everything.

Remain on your best behavior and don’t trash-talk your ex, otherwise it might get back to him or her. Ultimately, if you handle the break up process calmly and politely, you’ll take a lot of the pain out of it. Not only will you show your ex-mate the courtesy they deserve, but you’ll ensure that your reputation remains unsullied.

Related Posts

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4. Conflict Resolution: How To Apologize Gracefully
5. How to Approach Relationships After Break Up or Divorce

What She Said

True friends support you and have your best interests at heart. And it sounds like these ‘friends’ are doing exactly the opposite. I sense a possible break up on the horizon – and not from your boyfriend.

Are Your Friends Really Your Friends?

It sounds like your friends are afraid to lose you versus actually being concerned about your happiness. You say you have a good relationship, which is great! The real question you should be asking yourself is, “Why aren’t they happy for me?”

Sometimes people want to hold other people back – it’s an unfortunate part of human nature. Your friends might not want the dynamic between you all to change. Perhaps you’ve been the life of the party – and they don’t want the party to end. Perhaps you’ve been the scapegoat. Whatever role you’ve subconsciously played, you’ve clearly done a good job because your friends want you to keep doing it!

Let Your Friends Know They’re Hurting You

Give your friends a chance. Speak honestly with them. Let them know you care about them and would still like to keep the friendship going (assuming that you honestly want to). However, be firm in letting them know that things are changing and they need to respect your choices. If they don’t respect you, especially if they continue to pressure you into ending something that’s making you happy, cut the cord. Life is way too short to be bullied by people who are supposed to care about you.

What He Said

It’s funny. I once had the opposite happen. I was dating a girl who I thought was “the one” (or at least in the running for that title), and when we had a break up, all my friends said “Oh, thank God. She was terrible for you.”

Getting To The Bottom Of It

I don’t know which is better. Your friends telling you how they feel or having your friends not tell you how they feel. I do know that it’s none of their damn business either way. I think the first thing to ask yourself is “Why are they saying this?” Is there a reason? Is he abusive, rude, cheap, etc? Do they say this about all your boyfriends? Are they in a relationship or in love? Are they happy people?

It sounds like you feel that your relationship is in fact solid, so if that’s true, the only question you should be asking yourself, in my opinion is “Why am I hanging around these people?” Mark Twain said “Have no friends not equal to your own.” These people aren’t up to your level, so it would seem.

Maybe they were never on your level. Maybe, they were at one point. Maybe you made some sort of radical life change (lost weight, got sober, broke some cycle of behavior, etc) and now you’re simply not that person any more. Often times, when two people are in a relationship and one has a drug addiction that couple breaks up when the addict gets clean. Why? Because the dynamics have changed. They aren’t who they used to be and that can cause a shift in the relationship.

There are a lot of potential things going on here, and only you can really figure out what the deal is and then how to proceed. Take a step back; really examine who you are and who your “friends” are. Take your time. Do not rush into anything. There’s no need to anyway. This is something that’s probably been building. Do whatever you feel is right.

Keeping Your Relationship Intact

But whatever you do, do not allow this to affect your relationship with your boyfriend. You see this destroy a lot of celebrity relationships. Two famous people are in a relationship and then they let outside factors (agents, managers, gossip columnists) creep their way into the relationship and then those outside factors act like a crowbar and pull the two apart and once it’s broken, there’s no fixing it.

I’m not saying your relationship will last forever or that it won’t. I’m just saying make sure that if it ends, the two of you are the ones to pull the plug.

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Who Will Be Moving Out?

The first very important thing to decide when a break up happens is who will be moving out from the house or apartment. Will one of you be staying and the other one leaving, or are you both going to move out to other places? If you decide that only one of you is leaving, the person at fault for the breakup needs to be the one to move to a new place. That means that the dumper should go, because the dump-ee may not have seen this coming. They don’t deserve to have their entire life thrown into upheaval, unless the dump-ee is truly at fault because they cheated or did something else equally as terrible. Then they should definitely be kicked out of the apartment or home. The other exception would be if the dumper owns the house solely in their name, in which case the dump-ee should move out. In that scenario, the dumper should take action to help the dump-ee find a place before making them leave the shared living space.

Divide Shared Possessions

Once you’ve decided who is staying and who has to go, you need to divide up anything that’s shared by both parties. This can be tough and lead to lot of arguing and fighting, but it is a completely necessary step. The best thing that you can do, especially if you’re the dumper or cause of the break up, is try to be as amicable as is possible. If there are items in your home that you both use, but only one of you paid for, the buyer should get first dibs on that item. If there are shared items that you paid for together, things get significantly more complex. The best solution here is to attempt to balance out the value of what you both end up with. If you and your significant other bought both the couch and the bed together, one of you should get the couch and the other the bed. If you know your now-ex really wants the bed, be the bigger person and take the couch. Even if you’re mad at each other, you’ll feel better about it in the end (and avoiding yet another argument doesn’t hurt, either).

What About Shared Friends And Shared Pets?

What if the shared item isn’t an item so much as an entity? If you have a pet together and can remain somewhat amicable, you can try to share the pet. Perhaps you can switch off who keeps it every other week or so, not unlike a divorced couple shares custody of their children. If the break up was too sour, and you can’t stand the idea of having an on-going link to your ex, then the person who was at fault needs to let the other person keep the pet. Ditto for shared friends. If you aren’t okay with seeing each other at group events that mutual friends are involved in, you either need to rotate events for awhile, or decide who gets to see which friends. That could easily be the most difficult discussion of your entire relationship, but it can prevent a lot of future drama (and you can still see these friends one-on-one as often as you wish).

In the end, if you make every effort to be the biggest person and think somewhat rationally during an otherwise emotional experience, you will greatly reduce the amount of drama involved with moving out after a breakup.

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Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How can I dump him if I live with him and can’t afford my own rent?

–Jessica, LA

Figure Out What You Want

Okay, so do you want to just move out and try to continue the relationship while living separately, just like you did before you moved in together? Or do you want to break off the relationship and end it completely? Decide what you want and what you’re willing to do before talking to your partner. You want to be as clear and concise on how you want this situation to play out before your partner starts asking questions.

Be Honest

Honesty is often the best policy. Whether you want to break off the relationship or you simply want to go backwards a little bit and pursue the relationship with your partner like it was before you moved in with them, let your partner know that moving in with them was a step you decided to take too soon. If you want to keep the relationship, let your partner know that you really enjoy being with them, but you just weren’t ready to take that “move in” step and you need a little more space right now than living with them can provide. If you want to end the relationship, just let your partner know the truth – that moving in with them truly made you realize that this relationship wasn’t something you were ready for.

Financial Issues

You might be worried about the financial consequences of moving out of your partner’s place if they’re the ones that pay the rent. It can definitely be scary – but ask yourself what you were doing before you moved in with your partner? Were you living with a roommate? Were you living with your parents? Consider if you can literally go backwards and have the same living arrangements that you did before you moved in with your partner.

If that’s not going to work, consider changing jobs before you break the news to your partner. Earning more money is a great way to become financially independent and if this happens, you can consider living alone. If changing jobs isn’t a possibility, consider rooming with someone. You can put an ad out in the paper or on the internet for a roommate seeking a house or apartment, or you can search the ads for ones that other people have put up looking for a roommate themselves.

No matter what you decide to do, just make sure that your living arrangements are squared away before you talk to your partner. Your partner may agree with you, or not get angry, but then again they might. You need to be prepared to have somewhere to go if your partner should decide to ask you to leave immediately. The idea of arranging for somewhere else to live without letting your partner know may seem cruel or like you’re going behind their back, but in truth, you’re just taking care of yourself and you always need to do that.

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You know who you are … or do you?

No, I’m not talking to those of you with an affinity for handling joysticks and playing early 80′s video games with poor graphics and creatures making funny “gobbling” noises as they ate things. This open letter has nothing to do with video games.

I’m also not talking rodents or anything else that invades your living space. Hell, I’m not even talking about clutter on your desk.

The space invaders I’m talking about here are ex boyfriends and ex girlfriends (we’ll just collectively call them “ex’s” here). This open letter is directed to all of you ex’s out there who are space invaders out there torturing your ex’s.

Now I know all you space invading ex’s know who you are, and this open letter is directed to you. So listen up and pay attention!

Weaseling Their Way In

It’s amazing. Ex’s always seem to find their way back into your life to drop their shit all over you at the very moment when you’re most happy with someone else. It’s like they have this beacon or special radar which alerts them that it is the perfect time to try to get you back at the very moment you are in this most happy place.

They will have an epiphany wherein they decide they are a new person and that they need to convince you to give your relationship with the “new them” a second chance. In their mind they will think “Wait! My ex is with someone else. How could they possibly be with someone else? I realize now that if we get back together, everything will be different because I’ve changed. They need to give our relationship another try with the new me!”

Here’s the thing that is really so crazy about these thoughts. Your ex is your ex for a reason.

They’re an ex because you already learned the lesson that they did not satisfy you in ways you needed to be satisfied. They are an ex because your heart was not touched by them in ways your heart needed to be touched. Your ex is an ex because they weren’t able to get into your soul and get deep into your core like you needed.

These are the reasons your ex is an ex. The same issues are still there. People don’t change, at least not in these ways. They really don’t.

Ex’s don’t go on some miracle trip or special retreat where the light bulb suddenly lights up over their head and they realize all of a sudden everything in the relationship will be different. The core of each person is still the same.

When an ex all of a sudden decides things will be different and invades your space when you are at your most happy place with someone else, the ex is doing it because in reality they are not happy. Deep down they still have feelings for you, but those feelings are all about their own issues and not about yours.

What To Do About A Space Invading Ex

An ex’s space invading is all about their issues. The only result for you when an ex invades the sacred space you’ve set up with a new person, is that stress will be brought into your life and your current relationship for no reason at all.

So at the first sign of an ex invading your space you need to be totally upfront and honest with your ex about everything. You are doing no one any favors when you “protect an ex’s feelings” by not being totally upfront with them.

By you not being totally honest with an ex, you are actually not protecting them from hurt. In fact, you are really causing them more hurt because you are not making it clear to your ex that there will be no second chance together.

It is also important for you to completely let your past with your ex go in order for you to move forward and have the love that you really deserve. You need to also remember that each time an ex invades your space, it hurts the sacred space you are forming with the person with whom you are currently in a relationship.

You need to be as open and honest with your ex about your feelings about them and about your current relationship as you are with the person you’re currently seeing. The reason you with the person you’re currently seeing is because you feel free to be yourself in the purest form.

Now back to all of you ex’s though, because there seem to be no shortage of ex’s who are space invaders no matter what the situation or what you are told. So I implore you to consider all the following things before you engage in any more space invading activities.

Are You A Space Invader?

It is no coincidence that so many ex’s experience the sudden revelation that they need to get their ex to give their relationship another try ONLY after that ex has found someone else with whom they are genuinely happy. You need to see this “epiphany-come-lately” for what it really is: your knee-jerk reaction to the fact that your ex is with someone else.

It is an only slightly more complicated version of the “you want them only now that you can’t have them” syndrome. While you may believe that you all of a sudden see things differently, it is really a function of feeling like you are about to lose your ex unless you say something right now.

Here’s another thing all you space invading ex’s need to remember. You are not an NFL coach gifted with a red flag that you are entitled to throw a certain number of times during a game demanding the refs review a play. You don’t get to just “decide” that your ex needs to give you and your relationship another chance and invade their space to do it.

Your ex’s touchdown (i.e., the new relationship they’ve found that is making them completely happy) stands. You don’t get to review the play. You don’t get to replay the down. Your ex’s new relationship takes place entirely in the last two minutes of the game and only they get to decide if any plays get reviewed.

Further, just because you believe you are a different person or that “things” are different than when you and your ex were together does not mean that the two of you are more compatible now than you were at the time your relationship ended. It is really irrelevant that you have made some miraculous change or turn-around in your own mind, because what ultimate made your relationship not work out with your ex was about something much deeper than that.

What made your relationship not work out the first time was that the two of you at your cores were different people, people whose hearts and souls did not have an ultimate connection. So while you very truly may have made some changes, deep down you are the same person (and so is your ex). You were two people with whom you did not share that ultimate peaceful feeling you have with someone with whom you share a true soul connection.

Ex’s also seem to inevitably show up at absolutely the most inopportune times. So many space invading ex’s seem to operate under the delusion that they are starring in their own romantic comedy movie.

You know the basic plot line: Boy had girl. Boy loses girl (becoming the “Ex”). Ex doesn’t think twice about girl he lost until girl finds someone else. Ex has “the epiphany” moment that he loves girl and needs to get her back (thus becoming a space invading ex). Space Invading Ex discovers that girl’s new boy is not the good guy that girl believes him to be and that HE is the right man for her. Space Invading Ex sets up large scheme to crash girl’s wedding/relationship and declare his true love to girl. Space Invading Ex gets girl back in entertaining romantic wedding-crashing scene.

Ahh – the tears fly, women frantically search for tissues in their purse. It all seems so romantic! This is great entertainment and is very fun to watch in your local movie theater … but is not a good model to follow in real life.

Life Is Not Always Like It Is In The Movies

Think about what this typical movie plot line involves, and what you have to assume to make it the great romantic story that is shown. First, notice that each and every one of these films rests on the major premise that the Space Invading Ex IS the right man for the girl and that the girl’s current guy is in reality NOT such a great guy.

As we’ve discussed, and as all you space invading ex’s know is true, that is not what is going on in your situation. Your ex is in a relationship with someone who is making them truly happy. You are not Patrick Demsey or Hugh Grant, so you need to stop trying to play the lead in this kind of movie plot with your ex!

Another flaw in these movie plots is that they paint the Space Invading Ex as the “hero” doing his ex a favor by exposing the rotten current boyfriend and having the Ex declare his undying love to her. Think about what you are really doing by being the space invading ex.

When you are a space invading ex into a relationship where your ex is genuinely happy, your invasion into that space is not romantic – it is selfish. Really, that’s what it is in its true sense.

Think about it. When you invade your ex’s space, you are bringing stress not only to your ex but to their relationship. Stated simply, you are bringing unhappiness into your ex’s happy space. The only person who is served by this space invasion is YOU.

Also, consider how you would feel if you were in a relationship with someone and that person’s ex continued to invade your relationship space. How do you think it feels to know that your significant other has been on the phone throughout the day with their ex. Let me tell you how it feels. It makes you feel disconnected with your significant other when someone is invading your relationship space. You can feel it happening. Then when you get emails from your significant other telling you how emotionally drained they feel because their ex keeps calling, it causes you to feel emotionally drained yourself. You become emotionally drained because you start wondering what your significant other’s ex said, and what your significant other thinks and feels about what the ex said.

After connecting with your significant other at an emotional and spiritual level deeper than than you have with anyone in your life, to be in the dark about what was said by an ex is a terrible feeling. You want to be there for them and to help them through this, but you also don’t want to be in the dark yourself. Also, this space invasion causes your ex’s energy to be directed totally away from their currently happy relationship, and into a place where they shouldn’t have to explain themselves.

What If You Want To Be “Just Friends?”

Many space invading ex’s will invade an ex’s happy relationship space under the guise of “wanting to become friends.” This is another very selfish act dressed up as an altruistic one. You can’t be friends with all of your ex’s. It all comes down to whether you and your ex were friends in the first place. If you were, then you would not be invading their relationship space in this way. You would already be a part of their life.

You trying to create this sudden friendship with your ex when it wasn’t there before is again nothing more than a selfish act, because a true friend would not want to cause their friend all this stress and pain. A true friend would see that their ex had moved on and has given their heart to someone else, and would not want to do something to directly disrupt that.

Finally, a bit of advice to all you space invading ex’s. Did it ever occur to you that the reason why you all of a sudden feel the urgent need to get your ex back is that you see them feeling the kind of peace, connection and happiness with someone that you wish you had in your own life?

Instead of invading your ex’s happy relationship space and causing damage to the happiness they are feeling, why not instead take your ex’s happiness as the inspiration for you to go out there and find the same kind of happiness for yourself. This is the perfect time to work on yourself so you can find the same kind of true soul connection that your ex has found.

So, to all of you space invading ex’s, I hope this open letter has opened your eyes to what kind of impact your space invading is really having on your ex and their relationship. If you are someone who still has feelings for an ex who has moved on and found a truly happy relationship with someone else, then it’s time you let them move on and be happy.

It’s time that the only space invading you do from here on out is with a joystick and on a vintage arcade game. Stop pining over an ex who is not the right person for you … and stop torturing that ex you claim to love so much!

Start working on yourself so you can cultivate a wonderful relationship for you with someone with whom you share a true and deep heart and soul connection. Maybe once you find them, the four of you can meet up at an arcade for a friendly game of Space Invaders…

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What do you do? How do you turn back time?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi. I haven’t been with my boyfriend for very long (less than 1 year) and I moved in with him at the beginning of this year. I feel I moved in way too soon. I think it’s just not right for me and I would like to break up with him. It’s harder to do though because I live in his house. Any ideas on how to break up with him and how I should do it and what to do about my living situation?

–Jessica, Maryland

Moving Out Or Breaking Up?

Okay, so you’re ready to move out. That much is clear. But are you ready to break up? You might have thought the two go hand in hand since you made this big step forward, but that is not necessarily true. Sit down and think about what you really want.

Do you want to continue to have a romantic relationship with your partner, or would you like to part as friends? Do you simply want to go back to the way it was before you moved in with them? Those are all very valid wants and you should definitely try to express those to your partner. Be honest with them about what you want to see happen and why.

Give them a chance to vent their feelings as well. The most important thing is to take a deep breath and relax. Sometimes you have to try something to figure out it won’t work!

Being Financially Sound

Before you talk to your partner about your living arrangements, it’s important that you get an alternative living arrangement set up for yourself on the off chance that your partner becomes angry or hostile and asks that you leave immediately.

You might need to go apartment hunting on your own, however, if you and your partner are both living in an apartment or house that you would not be able to afford were it not for the other’s contribution, it’s important that you are up front and honest with them from the beginning so they have the opportunity to find alternative living arrangements as well.

Taking these steps might seem scary, especially if you’re financially dependent on your partner, but think about what you were doing before you moved in with them.

Going Back to the Beginning

Whether you were living on your own or living with a friend or family member, that might be your easiest option.

Going back to the way things were before you moved in with your partner might be something you do quite literally! If that is not an option, it’s time to get yourself on your feet and financially sound enough that you can get your own place and have your own transportation.

Take whatever steps you need to so you can ensure you’re able to live on your own when you move out from your partner.

You might be having some emotional issues as well, especially considering that you just moved in with your partner and you’re regretting your decision. Take a moment to really think about what led you to that decision.

You’ll probably find that you still wouldn’t do things differently! Not everything works out the way you think it will and often you have to find that out after you try it. It’s not a fun situation to be in, but if you are open and honest with your partner about your feelings, you might end up being able to continue dating or stay friends.

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I believe that couples can work through just about any difference or circumstance thrown their way and encourage people to make up, not break up. But when it comes to reasons why people DO end up staying together, I don’t think that “the kids” is a valid, or truthful, reason, nor is it a healthy one.

Let’s take the relatively recent example of Sen. John Edwards, whose affair was revealed to the public during this election cycle, but had been made known to his wife soon after it happened.

We at least have to give him SOME credit for being honest with her. She said she was (obviously) upset, but decided to stick it out with her husband “for the kids.”

This is something we hear a lot, and something I see a lot when talking to couples who are contemplating divorce or who have gone through an affair situation. The truth is, people rarely stay together just for the kids.

Wanting To Make It Work

People stay with the cheating spouse/partner because deep down they want to make it work and they believe they CAN get to the bottom of the situation, and work through it. These are valuable sentiments to acknowledge and important in beginning to re-build the relationship, if that’s what the couple chooses to do.

The affair usually comes as a wake-up call to both parties involved. It’s a (rather obvious!) sign that they’re struggling with something else, whether it be a fear of loss, as seems to be the situation in the case of the Edwards’, dealing with stress (also a possible factor), or even a means of revenge for something else going on in the relationship.

Whatever the reason, it’s an obvious turning point and one that can be negotiated around when the couple is willing to get to the bottom of their emotions.

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