Ask Dan and Jennifer » divorce

How To Break Up Without Hurting Him

Romy Morgan — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 18:00:44 +0000

A break up is tough, but sometimes it’s inevitable. Here’s how to break up with your man as nicely as possible – and avoid doing major damage.

We have all been there. You go out with a guy a couple of times and things are great for the first two dates. After the third date things are kind of bland and by the fourth date you know that this is not somebody that you want to be with. One of the most heartbreaking aspects of this scenario is the fact that he’s still into you. Knowing how to break up with him without hurting his feelings can be a weight off of your shoulders. When done properly, you might even still be able to maintain a friendship. Here are a few ways that you break up with him without hurting his feelings.

Nip It In The Bud

A lot of women feel like the man that they’re dating could come around so they try to stick it out. This is not something that should be recommended. Even if he is really nice, you need to break up as soon as you know that he’s not right for you. Doing it in the beginning will save him a lot of heartache in the end. Dragging the relationship out because you feel like you might grow to love him is selfish. Not breaking up with him is selfish also. By breaking up with you are doing him a favor.

Avoid Clichés

“It’s not you…it’s me” and “You’ll find somebody” are patronizing and he could get very offended. When a guy gets offended he get defensive. The last thing that you want is a defensive man that starts verbally attacking everything about you. Just explain to him that you think he’s a great man, but that he’s not right for you. This is an easy way to say that you’re not interested and there’s not much he can do about it. Since you haven’t been seeing him for very long, he shouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

Be Specific

Using vague statements like “I’m looking for something different” is not enough. When you tell him that he’s not right for you, explain why. Whether it be that you want a partner that wants kids and marriage or that you need someone that is a little more romantic, specifics are best for a break up. This gives him a clear reason of why you don’t want to continue the relationship. You don’t have to attack him or his personality, but make sure that he understands why you are breaking up.

Don’t Be Overly Apologetic

Only say “I’m sorry” once. You’re not taking his house away from him; you’re breaking up with him. Since you’ve only been out with the fella a few times his world isn’t going to pieces. Don’t act like you are the end all and that he’s never going to find another person. Just say, “I’m sorry that we didn’t work out” and leave it at that. When you start apologizing profusely he’s going to think that you’re obsessed with yourself. Statements like “It’s not like you’re Heidi Klum” might come up if you show an inflated ego.

Don’t Stick Around

One of the worst things that you can do is ask him out to dinner when you’re breaking up with him. Don’t put yourself into the situation of having an obligation after you deliver the news. Ask him out for a drink or go over to his house. If you ask him over to your home, you might have to ask him to leave. Always have an escape route. If you stick around he might just try to change your mind. Make it clear that you have no interest in seeing him again and then leave the situation.

Trying To Be Friends

If you have left the situation amicably then you’re in the minority. Most men do not want to be friends with girls they have dated in the past. However, if he wants to still be friends with you, give it a little distance. Remaining friends with a man after you have dated is an honorable thing to do, but if you agree to this you should definitely keep out of touch for a little while. When you break up with a guy, the game begins. A girl that breaks up with a guy is a challenge and men love challenges. Keep the phone calls, text messages and emails to a minimum. Checking up on him can make you seem like his mother and that’s not needed either. Let him live his life after the break up. Don’t let guilt get the best of you. Furthermore, you should be out living your own life instead of worrying about how he’s doing.

Breakup Advice: 9 Ways To Get Over Your Ex

He Said/She Said with John & Jenna — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 23:00:27 +0000

Breakup advice is in order if your heart has just been broken. Take a step towards a new future with these nine ways to put the past behind you.

What She Said:

Getting over an ex is never fun – but with the right breakup advice, it doesn’t have to be complete torture. Be gentle with yourself while you process what you just went through; but don’t wallow. There’s someone great waiting out there for you. Dry your eyes and follow these tips. You’ll be tripping through the daisies with someone new in no time!

Embrace The Old Adage

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It’s tried and true. Be sure you’re emotionally ready to share your body with someone and practice safe sex. If you’re ready, you’ll find having a fun fling will help you begin to release the memory of your previous lover.

Lean On Your Friends

This is what friends are for! Call, email, text and lament. You need to vent. You need to process. Just be sure to keep your boundaries. Leaning on pals during tough times is good. Making their ears bleed six months down the line because you can’t shake your feelings is bad.

Wine & Time

There’s no better breakup advice than curling up with a delicious glass of Pinot Noir and contemplating life. Think about what went wrong in your last relationship. Learn from past mistakes so you don’t have to go through those particular lessons again. Don’t drink your face off – but do unwind for a moment. Time heals all wounds. It will pass. And the passage of time will be eased with some relaxation.

Exercise

Don’t overdo it on hitting the bottle. You don’t want “wine waist” – or the depression that comes with drinking too much alcohol. It’s all about moderation. Balance that moderation with plenty of exercise. It’ll help keep your mood elevated – and you’ll be fit for the next time you’re ready to search for love.

Get Back Out There!

You’ve had a fling. You’ve gabbed to your friends. You’ve gotten familiar with your favorite wineries. And you’ve clocked in the miles on the treadmill. Now the best breakup advice is to dust yourself off and enjoy your hard-earned fresh start. Embrace it today!

What He Said:

Burn It

Get rid of all the shit they gave you. Gifts, pictures, clothes, everything. Get rid of all the reminders of that person. Don’t hold on to anything of the past. You’re moving forward not looking back.

Routine Is Your Friend

Ground yourself in your daily routines. Focus more on those things on your to do list. Add a bunch of things to it too. The busier you are the better. It will help you engross yourself in the present and that is a big key to moving on.

Add Some Hobbies

If you’re not really into anything, get into it. If you’ve got a hobby already, throw yourself into it.

One Night Stands Are Your Friend

Supposedly the best breakup advice and the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Sex like that just works. Not really sure why? Because it lets your mind and body know there are other people out there and other fish in the sea and the sooner you catch one the better you’ll feel.

Divorce Advice: My Friend Can’t Get Over Her Ex Husband!

He Said/She Said with John & Jenna — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 23:00:11 +0000

A friend of mine got a divorce from her husband years ago, but she still pines for him like it was yesterday. I want to be there for my friend, but my patience is wearing thin. It’s been ages – why can’t she move on?

What She Said

These things take time and there’s no accounting for someone else’s grieving period after getting a divorce. That said, some tough love might be needed soon.

Where Do You Draw The Line?

Of course, there’s a fine line between caring and codependency. It’s great to help your friend seek alternatives, but it’s not your sole responsibility. It’s important to set some boundaries. Tell your friend that you care, but venting about the ex is now limited to ½ hour of your time when you two hang out. (Or whatever limit you’re comfortable with. You get the drift). She’ll probably be bummed at first and might try to push you for more. Stand firm in your decision. When time is up, move to another topic. Allowing your friend to continue moping is clearly affecting your relationship. She might feel like you’re “not being a good friend.” Say that the cutoff is because you want to see her shine and that it’s in no way a lack of support.

The best you can do is encourage your friend to get back out there, all while recognizing that the choice to do so is hers alone. Invite your friend to the movies, the gym, parties and nights out on the town – places where she can get used to the social scene and get life going again.

You’re Not The Therapist

Remember, your role is “friend” not “professional therapist.” If she still needs to process the divorce, suggest that a counselor would be better suited for the emotional needs she has. It sounds like the subject of the former marriage has taken center stage for a long time. If she’s as good a friend to you as you are, she’ll most likely snap out of it and realize that you need a break from the baggage. Friendship is a two-way street; it’s her responsibility to meet you halfway.

What He Said

I have never been married, so obviously, I have never had a divorce. But last weekend I was in the gym, and I was trying to work out around some of the weekend warrior types (the type of guys who go to the gym and only exercise their jaw muscles and then wonder why they look like crap) and these two guys were talking about their children and their ex wives. The following conversation actually happened.

Guy #1: I don’t think I’ll ever live with another woman again. I will have my place, she will have hers. That will make it easier when we break up.

Guy #2: Yeah, I can’t do the serious intimacy any more. That’s why I just have sex with women.

Guy #1: I can’t even do that. I’m still do afraid to date.

Guy #2: Yeah, that was me for a little while after I got divorced six months ago. When did you get divorced?

Guy #1: 2005

Guy 2: (awkward silence)

I wanted to say what Guy #2 didn’t have the balls to: That’s sad. I don’t care how messy, painful or nasty the divorce was. Move the on already! Five years have passed and the guy is still damaged. I don’t know what the details of his situation are and I frankly don’t care. They don’t matter any more. His ex isn’t the problem, HE is the problem. And so is your friend.

What can you do? Probably nothing. I wouldn’t let her bring the issue up any more. If she does, tell your friend that she’s not allowed to anymore. Feel free to be a jerk about it. But only if you need to be. Try being very firm first. Say that you love her, but enough time has passed and you won’t be letting her drag you into this crap any more. If she wants talk endlessly about the problems she has, that is what Oprah is for. Not you.

When You Have to Move Out

Andrew Wang — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 23:00:52 +0000

We live in an age of cohabitation. It’s fairly common for boyfriends and girlfriends to move in together prior to marriage, especially in cities where rent is expensive and living alone proves financially impractical. That’s all fine and well as long the relationship is going great, but when a break up occurs, living together can make things that much more painful. Yet it would be crazy to stay in a bad relationship just to save on rent or avoid dividing up your things. Follow the advice ahead and the process will be as pain free as reasonably possible.

Who Will Be Moving Out?

The first very important thing to decide when a break up happens is who will be moving out from the house or apartment. Will one of you be staying and the other one leaving, or are you both going to move out to other places? If you decide that only one of you is leaving, the person at fault for the breakup needs to be the one to move to a new place. That means that the dumper should go, because the dump-ee may not have seen this coming. They don’t deserve to have their entire life thrown into upheaval, unless the dump-ee is truly at fault because they cheated or did something else equally as terrible. Then they should definitely be kicked out of the apartment or home. The other exception would be if the dumper owns the house solely in their name, in which case the dump-ee should move out. In that scenario, the dumper should take action to help the dump-ee find a place before making them leave the shared living space.

Divide Shared Possessions

Once you’ve decided who is staying and who has to go, you need to divide up anything that’s shared by both parties. This can be tough and lead to lot of arguing and fighting, but it is a completely necessary step. The best thing that you can do, especially if you’re the dumper or cause of the break up, is try to be as amicable as is possible. If there are items in your home that you both use, but only one of you paid for, the buyer should get first dibs on that item. If there are shared items that you paid for together, things get significantly more complex. The best solution here is to attempt to balance out the value of what you both end up with. If you and your significant other bought both the couch and the bed together, one of you should get the couch and the other the bed. If you know your now-ex really wants the bed, be the bigger person and take the couch. Even if you’re mad at each other, you’ll feel better about it in the end (and avoiding yet another argument doesn’t hurt, either).

What About Shared Friends And Shared Pets?

What if the shared item isn’t an item so much as an entity? If you have a pet together and can remain somewhat amicable, you can try to share the pet. Perhaps you can switch off who keeps it every other week or so, not unlike a divorced couple shares custody of their children. If the break up was too sour, and you can’t stand the idea of having an on-going link to your ex, then the person who was at fault needs to let the other person keep the pet. Ditto for shared friends. If you aren’t okay with seeing each other at group events that mutual friends are involved in, you either need to rotate events for awhile, or decide who gets to see which friends. That could easily be the most difficult discussion of your entire relationship, but it can prevent a lot of future drama (and you can still see these friends one-on-one as often as you wish).

In the end, if you make every effort to be the biggest person and think somewhat rationally during an otherwise emotional experience, you will greatly reduce the amount of drama involved with moving out after a breakup.

Are You Ready To Date Again?

Melody Brooke — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 23:00:15 +0000

The truth is that most men will immediately start dating after a divorce. Ex-wives are often startled by how quickly they are “replaced”. Sometimes the ink isn’t dry yet or even, has not been laid down yet! Why is that? Surely they are not so shallow, so unaffected by the trauma of the divorce!

In fact, no, they are not shallow. Reality is, it’s the surest sign that they are miserable without you. How’s that? Well, you see, they are so hurt and lonely without you they run out to try to heal their wounds by finding someone to fill the hole in their heart since you left. Hey, they will do that before the end of the marriage if you have left energetically from the marriage. (Trust me, this is not justification, only an explanation.)

Beginning To Date Again

Those of us who cannot face jumping back in so quickly are left with the question of how in the heck do we start the process of dating again when we feel so broken and distrustful. Dating was so easy in high school. We were young and had a pool of people to choose from every day. They were all around us in our classes, and only a few already committed to someone. That’s not so true today.

From the time we are in our late 20’s to our golden years it seems the majority of the good ones are already taken. And, where the heck are the good ones that are left. It’s not like you are going to see them in study hall. Dating at work is difficult if not impossible for most of us, so where and how do we meet a potential date anyway?

And more importantly, how do you know when you are ready to dive back into the dating pool? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Can you have a conversation with someone without mentioning your ex even once?
Have you gone through a period of mourning the loss of the marriage?
Have you worked through your anger?
Can you honestly say that the dissolution of the marriage was as much your fault as theirs?
Can you picture yourself being with someone else?
Can you picture yourself touching someone else?
Can you picture yourself kissing someone else?
Do you have a good grasp on what happened between you that didn’t work?
How about what did work?
Can you view your marriage and divorce as a “course correction” and not a dismal failure?
Do you have a clear idea of how you were responsible for what occurred?
Have you grown enough since your divorce that you can be the kind of partner that you want your partner to be?
Have you faced your own intimacy fears and blocks?
When you imagine dating someone have you already planned out your entire life with them? (If so, this is not a good sign)
Have you forgiven your ex?
Have you forgiven yourself?

When we have been betrayed, let down, disappointed, abandoned or even abused in our past relationships some of those questions can be really tough. But if you fail to work them through, you are setting yourself up to fail again and, no, you are not ready to date.

The Importance Of Self Growth

Most of us need to go through some kind of counseling or self-growth before we are ready to date again. Dating before you are ready can make dating excruciating for both people (not to mention the friends listening to our saga).

The most important questions are 11, 15 and 16. if you can answer those affirmatively then you might be ready to date, but only if you have fully grieved your marriage.

Grieving is a process that takes time, and a willingness to feel the hard stuff. And of course, like all grieving, it happens in stages and is never quite over. I remember being so glad to be out of the marriage, yet feeling a wave of grief when my ex re-married within two years of our divorce. I was confused at first, because I was clear I didn’t want to be married to him. But the truth is, seeing him marry reminded me of all the hopes and dreams I had of our marriage in the beginning. I had to grieve the loss of those hopes.

Give yourself time to heal, and to face your own part in what occurred between you and you will be ready to date again. For some of us it’s a matter of months, for others it may take years. Don’t let anyone rush you into it either. Friends feeling our pain may want us to get back on the horse again. But you are the only one who knows when you are ready. That said; don’t let fear keep you from riding the horse again. If you have worked through all the questions above, you should get back in the saddle regardless of how scared you are. You deserve to have the love you are capable of giving.

The Secret to Lasting Love – Better Than Flowers And Chocolate

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 14:00:42 +0000

After you’ve been together for a while and the initial euphoria wears off, it’s easy to keep finding faults and to focus on the problems and bumps and forget the wonderful things that made you fall in love in the first place. Here’s the best way to keep the love and romance alive in your relationship, no flowers or chocolate required!

Gratitude Journal

When things get rough in your relationship, it’s important to remember what made you first fall in love with your partner. Chances are, the reasons you love your partner are still the reasons you love your partner but day to day stresses have just gotten in the way. It’s easy to focus on little annoyances when things aren’t going your way and this can often put a lot of strain on the relationship. Instead of going over and over why you’re mad at your partner or what they’re doing that really irks you, try focusing on what you love about your partner. Start a gratitude journal. Every day, write down five things that you love about your partner, or that made you fall in love with them in the beginning. Do this for thirty days and you’ll find that all those little annoyances aren’t such a big deal anymore and its easier to remember why your partner is important to you.

Create A LoveBook

A LoveBook is a great option for putting your gratitude journal into something you can give as a great gift and keep for years to come. Sign up for a free account online and start making your LoveBook right away. Pick between a hard or soft cover and choose your cover art. Then, pick from pre-made pages of things you love about your partner or create your very own page. Each page has an illustration on it to help bring the book to life. Once you’re finished putting it all together, order your LoveBook and have it sent to your home. Now you have something to look back on when you’re feeling frustrated in your relationship or give as a perfect romantic gift for birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day or just because.

LoveBook Gift Ideas

A LoveBook is a great gift for your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or partner. This is originally what the LoveBook was designed for, and you simply can’t get any more personal or original with your gift. Forget the bland “flowers-and-chocolate-or-dinner-reservations” gifts and get your partner something really special instead. LoveBooks also make great gifts for parents and grandparents to let them know how thankful you are and how much you appreciate them in your life. Make a LoveBook for your child on their birthday or on any day to let them know all the reasons you think they’re a stellar kid and why you’re proud of them. If you use your imagination, you can give a LoveBook to just about anyone and let them know why they’re important to you and why they’re a big part of your life! Of course, giving a LoveBook to your partner is super special, and it’s so easy you can make one every year to let them know how your love for them continues to grow and grow.

Breaking Up Literally Hurts

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 23:00:47 +0000

Before you let someone diminish the pain of a break up or tell you there’s no such thing as a broken heart, consider this study from the University of New York, and Rutgers University. Scientists tracked brain activity as participants in the study – 15 students who had recently been victims of a break up – did mundane tasks like counting backwards from 8211 by sevens. That’s right – students who had recently been dumped were asked to provide a picture of their former significant other, then look at it while they counted down from upwards of 8000 – all which seems to add insult to injury!

Brain Activity After A Breakup

Aside from the potential painfulness of this exercise, the scientists discovered that “the brain areas associated with the pain of romantic rejection were the same ones involved in reward, motivation, physical pain, craving and addiction. For instance, looking at photos of exes lit up regions that are activated in cocaine addicts’ brains.”

It’s possible that anyone reading a romance novel could tell you that, but it goes deeper in explaining why the feelings of heartbreak are so hard to get over – it’s the same feeling experienced from pain, addiction and a host of other things. Lucy Brown, professor of neuroscience and neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine, thinks it’s helpful for people to know that breaking up is supposed to hurt. “One guy called back the next day and said he thought the self-knowledge really helped,” she says.

Can You Avoid A Breakup?

It’s true that sometimes relationships just can’t be worked out and that dealing with the pain of a break up, struggling through the loneliness and emerging with new self-awareness is part of a growing process. Especially since the study participants were college-aged, these processes are to be expected. But so often I find that people have given up too easily on significant, meaningful relationships because of a lack of dedication to working through a problem.

There is a fine line between being a sucker for someone who hurts you repeatedly and with no indication that the behavior will change – and of course I’m not advocating staying in a dysfunctional relationship. I discuss finer details and techniques in my book, Make up Don’t Break up, but if both parties admit there are problems before the relationship gets to a dire point, and both people are willing to put effort into putting things back together I believe most relationships are salvageable.

Q&A: Help! I Keep Getting Stuck In The Friend Zone

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 14:00:07 +0000

Getting stuck in the friend zone is no fun, especially if you really want more than just a friendship with someone. But are you really looking for a serious relationship, or is it a case of like attracting like? Here’s how to find out if you’re ready for a relationship or you really are getting stuck in the friend zone!

Question: This is my first question to you guys, and i just got wind saying that you guys know your stuff when it comes to relationships. I got out of a 5 year relationship with my fiance, and its been 3 months. I’m talking to women, and it seems like all women want now is casual sex, no commitment. I feel like I keep getting stuck in the “friend zone” and that’s all women look at me as. Any advice?

–YouTube Viewer

Are You Really Ready For Committment?

It’s a common belief that “like attracts like” and those looking for serious relationships will actually be attracted to each other. If you’ve just gotten out of a long, committed relationship, you may subconciously just be looking for friendships right now and not know it. If you’re only attracting women who simply want to be friends and have casual sex with no strings attached, take a moment to think about if that’s really what you want too. It’s okay if you’re not ready for a serious relationship and having fun with friends is a great way to get yourself back in the dating game. Sit down and really consider what you want at this time. Are you really looking for another committed relationship or are you attracting the kind of people you subconciously want to date right now?

Don’t Rush It

There’s no rush when it comes to dating after ending a serious relationship with someone. Even if you were the one who ended the relationship, the body, mind and soul still needs to grieve for the loss and take time to adjust to a new lifestyle. Things are very different for you now, and it’s important to give yourself time to absorb it. That doesn’t mean isolate yourself, but you may want to be careful about jumping right into another committed relationship. Give yourself time to think about the relationship, but also allow yourself to think about what you want now before you take the next step.

Attracting The Kind Of Partner You Want

When you’re really ready for a committed relationship, trust that you’ll start attracting people who feel the same way you do and are also looking for a committed relationship. Focus more on having fun now, and let whatever happens happen. Time has a funny way of healing old wounds and paving the way for new and better things in your life if you let it. Constantly trying to attract a partner who wants a serious relationship when you don’t – even subconciously – will only put more stress on you and make you feel like you’re not “dateable” material. Don’t worry about it! Just have fun and build new friendships and nurture old ones. Take this opportunity to make your life what you want it to be right now and in time, the right person will come.

How Does Your Parents’ Relationship Affect Your Own?

Andrew Wang — Sun, 09 May 2010 22:00:22 +0000

Every family has its quirks and faults, its cultures and traditions. Every relationship has its neuroses and its deep-seeded, psychological behaviors, which are many times related to those families. It is no secret that how your parents treated one another can trickle down to you, providing you with the motivations or ideals to bring to your own relationships.

Affection

Were your parents loving and affectionate toward one another? Were they open about hugging and kissing? The easiest way to create an affectionate child is, well, to show affection. That child will then grow up to treat their partner with the same loving gestures that they witnessed in their own folks.

Sex

Eek! I know, no one wants to think of their parents having sex. However, if you were raised in a home in which your parents were not embarrassed about sex, didn’t mind answering questions or talking about sex, you will likely carry that same tendency throughout all your relationships. This can make you a more attentive partner, more open-minded, and more accepting of the sexual world around you.

Argument Styles

How did your parents handle fights? Did they calmly discuss the matter in the bedroom, away from prying ears? Or did they yell and scream and throw things? Having grown up in such an atmosphere, you are more likely to handle fights like this, as well. If you start to feel like you’re losing control, leave the situation immediately. Sticking around will only escalate the argument, possibly to violence.

Multiple Marriages

It wasn’t long ago that second, third, and fourth (and so on) marriages were against the norm and looked down upon. In today’s society, though, it is becoming much more prevalent and acceptable. While in the past, studies have shown that people who were married multiple times were more likely to divorce again. It seems the way this affects the children is that they may be less likely to endure or struggle to improve a bad relationship.

Cheating

While much of how the parent handles the relationship seems to directly “inspire” the child’s, it is not always the case. While talking with a group of women about their parents’ relationships, a great many of them mentioned that one or both parents cheated on the other. Rather than this behavior passing down to their own relationships, the women instead took on a very firm stance against cheating. This seems to be one trait which so negatively impacts the child, that it is ingrained in them to despise all forms of cheating.

The Final Word

Regardless of how your parents carried out their relationships, you don’t have to do the same with yours. While the inclination to act a certain way may be strong within you, it is not mandated. By being conscious of your decisions to act a certain way or your ideals for what a relationship should be like, you can rise above (or emulate, if you desire) the relationship model which you have always known.

Q&A: Personal Question For Dan & Jennifer – Why Do You Make All These Videos?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 14:00:52 +0000

While we don’t talk much about ourselves on our show, lots of people ask us personal questions about why we do what we do. Making an online video show and working to help millions of people with love, sex and relationship questions is simply something we love to do and we do it every day. Here’s why we’re passionate about it.

Question: Dear Dan and Jenn – why do you make all these videos and help out people? Good job and keep it up!

–YouTube Viewer

Our Passion

We love to help people find happiness in their relationships and their lives. Everyone deserves to be happy, and everyone is worth it! People struggle every day to find answers to questions about love, sex and relationships and we’re trying to make it easier for everyone to find the information they’re looking for. We believe strongly in making informed decisions and being armed with knowledge when it comes to making choices in your every day life. We believe in safe sex and open and honest sex education. We’re passionate about helping people to solve problems in their lives and learn the tools they need for healthy, happy and satisfying relationships.

Our New Video Shows

We love what we do so much that we’ve started two new video shows and websites this year! We’ve had so much success in developing the Ask Dan And Jennifer website that we wanted to create a site that shows people step by step how to create a powerful and successful online blog the way we did. Blog Success Journal is where we give tips, tricks and advice on everything blog and recommend the tools that we’ve used and love so other people can learn how to set up their own blog or website. The second website we’ve launched this year is Today Is That Day. We found that we enjoyed helping people so much with their questions about sex and relationships that we realized we wanted to answer other questions too! On Today Is That Day, we answer questions about weight loss, personal improvement and self awareness and growth.

Our Opinions

We’re not doctors and we’re not therapists. We’re highly opinionated people who love to talk! We love hearing the opinions of others, too. Our online video show allows us to share our opinions with others as well as see what other people have to say about the topic we’re talking about. We love to get people talking with each other too, because our motto is, “question everything!” We believe it’s important to think about something and question it instead of just accepting it because it’s what you were taught or what you heard. We love it when people ask questions, because it means they’re thinking and trying to get some real answers for themselves.

Check out our YouTube channel to watch our latest videos, and be sure to leave a comment about what you think! You can also visit our Facebook page to see what other people are saying about our latest articles, tips and videos. Get in on the discussion!

Q&A: Jealousy Over Past Lovers

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 14:00:37 +0000

When your new boyfriend or girlfriend keeps talking about their exes, it can be frustrating. Why can’t they just get over it already? If your partner is talking about their ex a lot, it can cause feelings of jealousy and even anger. Here’s what you can do if your partner just won’t stop going on about their past relationships.

Question: What do I do if my girlfriend keeps talking about her ex-boyfriends? It’s making me really jealous and kind of angry. I don’t know how to calm down! Help me please!

–YouTube Viewer

How Is She Talking About Her Exes?

Your partner can talk about her exes one of two ways. She can either diss them or talk about how great those past relationships were. If your partner talks about how frustrating it was to be with her exes (and how great it is to be with you) she may just need a sounding board to help her get over the past pain of rejection and hurt. Be there for her until she gets it all out of her system. However, it’s a bit of a different story if your partner is talking about how great her previous boyfriends were and comparing them to you. That hurts!

She’s Chosen You

When you get frustrated with your partner because they’re constantly talking about their ex partners and old relationships, take a moment to remember that she’s with you now. Those relationships are in the past and she has chosen to be with you right now. Every day, each of you makes a choice to continue to be with the other person and stay in the relationship. Remember that she chooses to be with you and stay with you every day for a reason. It’s most likely because she cares about you and enjoys being in this relationship.

Let Her Know How You Feel

If your partner is always talking about how great her past relationships were or how great her ex boyfriends were, it can really cut deep. It’s not okay to be comparing your past boyfriends to your current one out loud, because it can definitely do some relationship damage. Let your partner know how you feel by being honest with them, without being rude. She honestly may not know that her talking about her exes bothers you! Talk to her about how it makes you feel when she talks about her exes and ask her to stop doing it. If you aren’t honest with your partner about how you feel about the situation, you’re just going to sock back anger until you finally blow up at her. Don’t risk ruining the relationship like that. Take some time to really explain to your partner what it does to you emotionally when she goes on and on about her past relationships and ask her to let go of the past. Let her know that you and her are together now and this relationship is the one both of you should be focusing on, instead of staying caught up in past relationships and ex boyfriends.

Q&A: What’s The Best Way To Break Up?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 21:00:20 +0000

Breaking up is tough, regardless of whether you’re on the breaking up end or the being broken up with end. Deciding to end a relationship isn’t an easy decision but figuring out how to break the news to your partner is even more difficult. What is the best way to break up with someone without breaking their heart?

Question: I’m currently with a guy a year younger than me, and I just don’t click with him. He says he’s in love with me, but I think we’re too young to know what love is. I feel like he’s expressed too much too soon. And since I don’t want to lie to him, I’m breaking up with him. I’m just not sure how. What’s the easiest, least mean way to break up with a man who says he loves you? Please help me.

–YouTube Viewer

Sooner Rather Than Later

When breaking up with someone, the worst thing you can do is drag it out. When you make the final decision to break up with your partner or divorce them, make immediate plans to break up with them soon. Don’t continue leading them on and making them believe you’re still an active participant in the relationship because you’re scared to break up with them or aren’t sure how you’re going to do it.

Make The Breakup About You

If you’re positive that you want to break up with your partner, you need to make the break up discussion all about you. Make it about your feelings. If you make the break up about things your partner isn’t doing or circumstances that you’re not happy with, your partner will immediately suggest that things can change. They will do everything they can to convince you to stay in the relationship by promising that things will be different. Your partner can’t argue with your feelings though, so keeping the discussion about how you feel keeps the break up a break up. Be honest with your partner, and while you want to be courteous and polite instead of critical, it’s never good to sugar coat something or lie to make them feel better. Honesty is always the best policy when it comes to breaking up with someone.

A Learning Experience

While you may be tempted to feel like you’ve wasted your time being with someone you’re not going to stay with, it’s important to remember that each relationship is a learning experience. Relationships – and break ups – allow us to grow as a person. Be grateful for the time that you and your partner had together because not all of it was bad. If it was, you wouldn’t have made the decision to be with them in the first place. Take this opportunity to learn from the relationship and better yourself. It’s important that you realized your right to be happy and that you don’t have to stay with someone and be unhappy just because you don’t want to hurt them. It’s time to move forward with your life and everything that happened in this relationship will make the next relationship even better.

Q&A: I’m Still Friends With My Ex But It’s Awkward

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 21:00:21 +0000

Breaking up is hard – but dealing with your ex afterwards can be even more difficult. During the awkward time after a breakup, it’s hard to tell if you should try to stay friends with your ex or cut off all communication completely. Here’s how to handle the situation if you want to try to stay friends with your ex.

Question: I have been out of a relationship now for 3-4 months and am over my ex – but I somehow I feel I owe something to her and should build a friendship again. I still feel awkward talking to her even though it’s small talk – any tips?

–YouTube Viewer

It’s Always Awkward

If you’ve just broken up with someone or have just been broken up with, the period directly following the breakup is always awkward. If you’re feeling as though things are strained between you and your ex and it just doesn’t feel right, join the club! Most people feel strange after a breakup, especially if they’re often around their ex. For example, if you and your ex work together or share many of the same friends, coming into constant contact with each other after the breakup can be just plain weird. It’s totally normal to feel awkward after a breakup and it can take some time for you and your partner to reach a totally platonic state.

You Don’t Owe Your Ex Anything

Many people leave a relationship feeling like they owe their ex something, especially if they’re the ones that did the breaking up. Even people who leave a relationship in the best possible way can feel bad about hurting the other person. Here’s the thing – you don’t owe your ex anything. Each person reserves the right to end a relationship if they feel it’s not working out in their best interests. It’s kind of like at will employment. Either party can terminate the relationship at any time for any reason of their choosing. Your ex may be hurt after the breakup, and things may be awkward, but don’t hold it against yourself. Staying with a person that you’re not happy with just because you don’t want to hurt them never works out. You deserve to be happy, so learn to let it go.

Time Heals Most Wounds

Even though the relationship with your ex is awkward now, time heals just about anything. You may feel pressured to have small talk with your ex now, or to try to force a friendship but it may be that you and your ex just aren’t ready for that yet. After a break up, most people need some time to think and process what happened in the relationship. If a friendship just isn’t there for you and your ex yet, time may be what you need to get there. Give yourself – and your ex – some time and space to sort out what happened. If you or your ex are very emotional after the break up – for example, if you two were in a long term relationship – you will each need some time to sort through how you feel about the break up. Just relax and let time do its thing.

Fighting Fair Is Necessary For Fidelity, Passion And Health

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 19:00:54 +0000

On the heels of the news this weekend that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will allegedly be separating, I wanted to take the opportunity to encourage people to learn how to fight fair. Fighting in a relationship is not in itself a bad thing – in fact it’s usually necessary for a relationship to survive. A relationship without passion enough to launch arguments likely won’t last for the long haul. However, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground. I talk about the dialogue necessary to fight fair in my book Make Up Don’t Breakup (which will be re-released in March with new chapters).

Additionally, Brad and Angelina are definitely in a unique situation, but also share some common denominators that many of us have experienced. Angelina is likely looking for a new adventure as a response to her feelings of separation and loss she may still be dealing with due to her mother passing away. She’s experiencing what I call a Biochemical Craving for Connection. This can be momentarily assuaged by engaging in thrill-seeking behavior such as requesting and open relationship, traveling, working, or engaging in an affair (among many other things) but it only leads to a more pronounced cycle of stress, separation and loss when each “adventure” winds down and the person is left with the original feelings.

Have A Heart To Heart Talk With Your Partner

I encourage having a weekly ten minute heart-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard. It is essential to walk in your partner’s shoes rather than trying to be right. Instead of shame and blame you should give three solutions, and your partner has to pick at least one. Arguing fairly creates the tension that gives you passion and makes you feel safe. Here are a few other pointers:

Ask permission – you want the other person to be engaged in the conversation, so make sure it’s a good time for them, too. You should make an “appointment” for a specific time to make sure that the issue will be handled.
Put time limits on the “fight” – it’s OK to walk away and come back later as long as it’s mutual and done with respect. Everyone has different thresholds for what they can tolerate during an argument.
Use “I” sentences – don’t blame or criticize.
Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings – truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your “agenda.”
Detach from your emotions – try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.
After a fair and productive fight, remember things that each person needs to work on, and commit to trying to change the behaviors that may have created.

Make Up, Don’t Break Up This Valentine’s Day

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 21:00:24 +0000

Everywhere you look in the headlines, one famous couple or another is breaking up. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are supposedly calling it quits, while Brad is rumored to be back in contact with Jennifer Aniston. And Elin has put her divorce proceedings on hold while Tiger allegedly hashes it out in rehab. I spoke to OK!Magazine on this very subject, saying that I believe most relationships CAN be kept together. In my practice, 98% of couples can work things out, you just have to be honest about addressing what problems you’re facing, and committed to dealing with them.

Ok, it’s not THAT easy, which is why I’m re-releasing my book, Make Up, Don’t Break Up, with new, updated insights into why we do what we do, how to break bad behavior patterns, the male dilemma of intimacy, and how to make the decision to stay together! I address topics like gender wars and long distance relationships. I also expand on a few of my techniques, which I’ve mentioned in my blog posts before, but I think bear repeating especially in light of upcoming Valentine’s Day and with people focusing on love and relationships.

How To Break Bad Behavior Patterns

Don’t underestimate the Biochemical Craving for Connection. More than being needy or clingy, we all need to connect in a deep and meaningful way with our partners. But some people have exaggerated feelings of stress, separation and loss that cause them to seek out illicit behavior in order to fill this craving. If you’re in this situation, you can avoid a lot of heartache by identifying it and dealing with it early on.
Learn how to fight fair. It’s a misperception that fighting is bad; a relationship without passion enough to launch arguments likely won’t last for the long haul. However, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground. I encourage having a weekly ten minute “Smart heart”-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard.
Consider a brush with death. This can be an extreme measure when it looks like a relationship may be coming to its end. This is a scenario in which a couple agrees to spend time apart with the intention of working things out and getting back together. – A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. Remember that it MUST be a strategy, not something entered into half-heartedly.

Whether or not you’re in a rocky relationship, I encourage you to take this time, when “love is in the air” and focus on some things about your relationship that you’d like to improve upon or change. Have an affair with your own partner and plan for some romance!

John Edwards’ Situation Looks Bleak – Can It Be Saved?

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 00:00:16 +0000

By now, the news of John Edwards’ admittance to fathering a child with a woman working on his campaign has hit the airwaves and is making its way around the media. Talk shows, news programs, morning shows ~ everyone is riffing off of this admission and everyone has something to say about it. One thing seems to be the general consensus: that following Edwards’ earlier admission to having an affair with this woman, yet denying paternity of the father, no one is actually surprised he’s reneged on this earlier claim.

Can John Edwards’ Marriage Be Saved?

Elizabeth has said she does not want the press questioning her or speculating on what she should or shouldn’t do, and this desire for privacy makes sense. But one can’t help but wonder how this all played out within their marriage. When John admitted adultery last year he made it clear that it was something he already worked out with his family – had he worked this out with them as well? That we may never know, and I don’t want to take the tack of gossip columnists and nay-sayers so I’ll simply say that yes, I still believe John and Elizabeth’s marriage can be saved.

In addition to committing sexual adultery, fathering a baby with his mistress and covering it all up, Edwards may also have committed Financial Infidelity by using money from the campaign to cover up the baby. As is often the case, where one type of infidelity is present, the other is not far behind. When looking at Edwards’ past, it’s easy to see how and why he may have slipped into a pattern of infidelity.

Years ago he and Elizabeth lost a child, then during the elections Elizabeth had a health scare due to cancer, which I believe caused a Biochemical Craving for Connection – I talk about this further in my book, Financial Infidelity. This craving is often found when people are under a lot of stress – something Edwards and fellow adulterer Tiger Woods have in common. It’s probably the case that Edwards couldn’t handle the idea of losing his wife and so he sought a way to cancel out that fear by deciding to have an affair. It’s a way of acting out – not talking out – extreme feelings in a person’s life.

What Causes Adultery?

Adultery is a disease like alcoholism caused by stress, loss and separation and the baby he admitted to could have subconsciously been a replacement for the son he lost a long time ago. While not justifiable and not something easily gotten over, this is never-the-less why adultery is forgivable, a topic I cover in-depth in “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.” It is a disease and a cry for help – Edwards had been acting out his fear of losing his wife by doing things to self-medicate himself.

The truth is out in the open and ready to be dealt with. Traditionally, men have a harder time talking about their feelings and therefore seek “comfort” by engaging in risky behavior. Once this behavior is discovered – often in the form of an affair – it doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship.

How To Prevent Your Spouse Leaving You After Years Invested In The Marriage

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 21:00:44 +0000

Yesterday, while mailing one of our books out to a customer, the post master was curious about the name on our return address, “Creating Ideal Relationships, LLC.” He was friendly as well as inquisitive, so I told him my husband and I are relationship coaches. Immediately, he shared with me that earlier in the day a friend of his had come in to mail something and the friend’s response to the question, “Did you have a good Christmas?” was, “My wife divorced me after 27 years.”

Not even knowing the gentleman in question, I was stunned and said, “Ouch! That’s hurtful. That’s a lifetime without a greater number of years on the other side to create a new relationship and new lifetime.” The post master agreed and admitted he wanted to call the wife a name reserved for female dogs and certain kinds of women. We agreed that it was probably more complicated than that.

Why Leave After So Many Years Invested In Marriage?

I thought about that man today whose wife left him over the holidays after 27 years of marriage. I’ve known other men whose wives left them at about the 27 year mark. With that many years invested in a marriage and a family, it seems like such a waste to call it quits. Surely, what’s wrong after 27 years was wrong when you were both much younger and had a better chance of finding better love and a new life.

Wondering what it was all about, my mind flashed on something that may answer the question. I believe that many marriages that end after that many years invested do so because the differences between the sexes were never accepted, much less embraced.

If that is true, you have the opportunity to make a difference for yourself before you invest that much time in a marriage, finding yourself dumped when you’re nearing or past sixty years old. And if you’ve already invested a life time in a relationship, it may not be too late to provide the preventive care that embracing the differences between the sexes can provide!

It is so easy, as time goes by and the honeymoon fades, to fall into ruts of resentment and impatience over the differences between the sexes. It shows up in internal conversations that go something like the following.

“He’s always trying to fix what isn’t broken. Why can’t he just listen to me?”

“I can’t stand her nagging me.”

“It’s always all about him. He interrupts because he’s not listening. He never pays attention to what I’m feeling or what might be in my best interest in any given situation. He’s such a child!”

“She talks so much. I’ve learned how to tune her out and pretend to listen without getting caught. I don’t even feel guilty about it anymore.”

“I know how I want it done. The way I do it works best. Why can’t he just do what I want him to do, the way I want it done, when I want it done?”

“You try to give a woman advice, really help her, and all of sudden you’re her worst enemy. I cannot win with this woman!”

All these conversations and more are clues that you carry resentment for your spouse and they are all about the differences between the sexes.

Understanding The Difference Between Men And Women

You can’t change the opposite sex to be more like you. It doesn’t matter how much of a tom boy and one of the guys she was when you first fell in love. It doesn’t matter how easy it was to be with her in the beginning. It doesn’t matter how thoughtful he was, available to listen for hours when you were first falling in love. Those personality traits that made him or her seem like a twin were anomalies born of the rush of passion, lust, and attraction that accompany falling in love.

The thing you can’t do anything about is rewire his or her brain to be more like yours. Truth be told, you wouldn’t want to. The wiring differences between the male and female brain play a large part in creating the chemistry that makes us attracted to each other in the first place. Without the differences, there is no sexual tension, there are no babies made, life doesn’t continue!

What you can do something about is your attitude towards those differences. The men and women who remain happy in the relationship throughout their lives, appreciate the differences between them, continuing to find each other fascinating mysteries with so much left to be discovered.

There are lots of books on the subject of the differences between men and women and how it’s a brain thing that dates back to before the beginning of history. You can learn how these differences worked perfectly 5,000 years ago but don’t work nearly as well here in 2010.

The really short version is men are focused. That’s why it often seems to be “all about him!” He sees everything in relation to himself and his surroundings. That focus is meant to protect you from immediate harm. Women are big picture folk. That’s why she nags, because she can see further into the future, anticipating consequences that he is truly blind to. The ability to see the big picture also makes her thoughtful, caring, and nurturing.

The bottom line is this. If you have any conversations about what’s wrong with men or what’s wrong with women, whether it is with your friends or inside your head, it means you harbor resentment that can grow into a poison, resulting in an abrupt and bitter end to your relationship in the near or distant future. Those conversations are also opportunities to wake up, learning to accept and embrace the differences between you. Best of luck to you to do so!

Q&A: What You Should Know Before Getting Married

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 21:00:55 +0000

Getting married is a big step. Even starting a new relationship with someone is kind of like jumping into the pool feet first. Is there anything you can do to keep a relationship or marriage from ending badly? Is there anything you should know before getting married or starting a new relationship, so you can have the best chance at success?

Question: People should START by being more responsible when they start relationships. Maybe you guys should stop giving advice on ending relationships and start giving advice on how people can be more responsible when starting a relationship. That why you can keep more marriages together and save their children from emotional and psychological distress.

–YouTube Viewer

Love Yourself First

The most important thing you need to do before embarking on a long term relationship or marriage is learning to love yourself first, flaws included. Many of us look for acceptance from others, when we haven’t accepted ourselves yet. Unfortunately, we won’t ever get the kind of acceptance we crave as human beings from another person unless we’ve done it ourselves first. Accept who you are, love yourself for who you are and other people will begin to do the same. Seeking outside approval is going to get you nowhere.

Don’t Try To Fix Them

The biggest problem in relationships and marriages is that a person doesn’t fall in love with someone for who they are right now, they fall in love with who they think this person will be after they are “fixed.” Many women try to change their boyfriends, partners and husbands after they’ve already gotten knee deep in the relationship. Men do it too, but it usually only ends in frustration and the dissolution of the relationship. Don’t think of how you can fix or change your partner, or that you’d love them if they just didn’t do this one little thing…learn to love your partner for who they are right now, not who you think they will be. Long term relationships are difficult, but they always help us grow. Allow your partner to help you grow and vice versa, but recognize the difficulty involved before you jump in. A good, loving, satisfying relationship or marriage is never going to be easy. But nothing that is easy is worth having. Try going to couples counseling before making a huge committment. Just because you’re in counseling doesn’t mean anything is wrong in the relationship – it’s also a great way to learn about your partner as well as learn about yourself, and learn about healthy ways to handle problems and disagreements that will inevitably come up in the future.

Don’t Stay In A Bad Relationship

If you’re in a bad relationship or marriage, don’t stay in it “for the kids” or because you believe in sticking it out. Even if there are children involved, chances are, they’re just as unhappy as you are in the relationship from having to hear all the fighting and bickering. There is absolutely nothing wrong with moving on from an unhealthy relationship, because often, that is the path that is better for everyone involved and frankly, moving on from an unhealthy or even abusive relationship is the grown up thing to do.

Q&A: How Do I Get Over My Ex?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 21:00:24 +0000

We’ve all been through it before – we’ve been dumped, and it’s been extremely difficult to get over our ex. In fact, it often happens to us more than once throughout our lives. Pining over an ex can wreak havoc on your social life and your love life, and prevent you from accepting new relationships with people who might be more compatible with you than your ex was. So the question is, how do you get over your ex?

Question: Why is it sometimes so hard to not love your ex girlfriend even though she was quite cold and left you because she didn’t love you? My brain says I should not think of her, but my heart says something different. Well, I hope one day I will find a more intelligent woman.

– From The Dan & Jennifer Love & Sex Forums

Living Up To The Expectations

Everyone has an idea of what they feel a good relationship is. Going into a relationship, the expectations are applied and when their partner doesn’t meet those expectations, those loving feelings start to go away. This leads to an inevitable breakup, whether it is a quick and dirty one or a long, drawn out process. When your ex broke up with you, it was because you didn’t meet their expectations of what a good relationship is. You can’t change their ideas of what a good relationship is, so what do you do? You look for someone who has relationship expectations that are similar to your own. Look for someone who has similar life goals, and someone who has expectations that you can easily meet.

Keep The Hope Alive

The hardest thing to get over after a break up is the feeling of rejection. It cuts deep, and we often feel like we’re unworthy of love and unworthy of a great relationship. Don’t let these feelings overtake your life! Recognize that it’s normal to feel rejected when you get dumped, but realize that you and your ex just weren’t compatible as far as relationship expectations go. And more often than not, a break up has nothing to do with you being a bad partner – it has everything to do with unrealistic expectations. So try your best to work through the emotions instead of trying to stop them – because your feelings absolutely deserve to be validated. Allow yourself to feel them, but also allow yourself room to let them go. There is always hope for another relationship – an even better one – down the road.

Learn From The Past

Each relationship that we are in gives us multiple learning opportunities. Failing to use the opportunities you’ve been given to learn from the past will only make you repeat it in the future. You don’t want to go through a situation like that ever again, right? So think about the things you can do in the future to prevent it, like finding a partner with whom you share similar relationship expectations with. Dwelling on the past and the hurt it has often caused will do nothing but get you running around in circles! Let it go and move on to a better and brighter future.

How To Break Up With A Nice Guy

Michael Freeman — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 23:00:39 +0000

It’s easy to leave someone who hasn’t treated you well: You give them a piece of your mind and then say goodbye. But what if you find yourself in a relationship with a “nice guy”? He’s kind, sensitive, not a game-player or emotionally manipulative, but he just doesn’t “do it” for you.

Deciding You Want To Break Up

Perhaps you’ve decided you’re more into “bad boys,” or maybe you’re just bored, but for whatever reason you want to get out of the relationship. Breaking up with a nice guy takes a little more finesse. The traditional advice holds true: A telephone call generally isn’t appropriate (unless it’s long-distance, or other circumstances demand it). An email isn’t any nicer, and a text message is inexcusable. The only nice way is in person.

Arrange a time to see him so that you can tell him how you feel. Once you’re together, it’s best to say what’s on your mind sooner rather than later. You don’t want to have to fake your feelings or pretend that everything is OK. There’s no easy way to let him know. The words you’ll say will depend on the exact reason you want to leave, but let him know that he deserves someone who wants to be with him with all her heart, but right now that person isn’t you.

Break Up How To

This may be difficult for him to hear. On the other hand, he may have felt the same, but because he is a nice guy, he didn’t have the heart to tell you. If you’re really lucky, he’ll be relieved, and you can relax and start on a journey towards “just-friendship.”

Of course, he may be crushed and feel horrible. Tell him how sorry you are to cause him any pain. If he tells you how much he loves you, ask him if he would be happy with someone who didn’t love him equally. The only reasonable answer is “no.” Most nice guys are great, but for others it’s just a mask behind which they can manipulate people. Watch out for emotional manipulation: attempts to elicit pity, accusations of cruelty and selfishness, or other similar behavior. You can cut him some slack because of his pain, but be careful of taking him back out of sympathy.

If you’re overcome with guilt, relax: We all sign up for the possibility of heartbreak when we enter a relationship. You owe him your honesty, compassion and kindness. You don’t owe him another chance, sex, or anything else that you don’t want. Finally, remember to be cautious about pursuing a friendship – give him a proper amount of time to recover (which will vary depending on the length of the relationship). Here’s a good test: If you think he’d feel bad when hearing about your new boyfriend, you shouldn’t be friends.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Chick In Heels — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 01:24:20 +0000

Recently a good friend of mine asked my opinion on how he could break up with his current squeeze without looking like a total sleezeball. Or… how to break up amicably. It was a bit of a stumbling block for me. I have done a lot of thinking about this one lately – and here was my heartfelt advice.

Do Amicable Breakups Exist?

First off, I think ending a relationship in a completely amicable way means that BOTH parties would have to agree that they could see the end coming. That things just didn’t get along anymore, that it wasn`t a SURPRISE to anyone. And, of course, that they still had positive feelings and thoughts towards one another. To the best of my knowledge, most relationships do not end as ideally as that – if you are able to achieve this phenomenon, then pat yourself on the back. I think it`s a rarity.

So, my advice to my man friend was to attempt to “gently” create situations where his “soon to be ex” could potentially foresee the breakup as a possibility. I suggested he not spend as much time with her and DEFINITELY stop sleeping with her.

If you are still spending time together and still being intimate, how could anyone see a breakup in the making? In other words, if your heart is not in it anymore, don’t continue on as if it was. This is all a precursor to having THE talk – to laying it all out on the line. I for one, would rather see the hazard signs before the finality hit me in the face.

Being Honest Without Causing Pain

Obviously it`s best to be as honest as you can regarding your desire to move on but the key is to do it with by causing as little hurt as possible. For example, if you find you are interested in someone new, be gentle and avoid that topic. Some people are better off if you say less. Others look for reasoning or closure and want to know WHY. It is okay to be real here and say that you just don’t FEEL what you once did and that your heart just isn’t in it any longer.

Of course, no one wants to hear these things but if they are the truth and you are pressed to explain, hopefully this makes this clearer. I believe that everyone deserves to be with the BEST person for them. If your heart isn’t in a relationship any longer then you are not doing your partner any favours by hanging around for their sake.

In fact, being in a situation where you aren’t truly “present” with that person is not fair to anyone. It may help to explain that you know they deserve more then you are willing to give in a relationship. Enhance the positive but be clear enough to state that things are done in your heart of hearts. Once that conversation starts, be prepared to see it through – delaying the inevitable is painful for all involved.

What To Say And What Not To Say

Although you don’t necessarily need to give all of the nitty gritty details regarding your desire to end a relationship – it’s best to stay as truthful as possible without unnecessarily hurting feelings. Don’t say that you are not interested in being tied down if THAT’S not the problem. If the problem is that your feelings have changed or that you don’t feel this is the right relationship at the right time for you, that is legitimate.

Aim high and leave that conversation knowing you gave your best effort to be kind, fair and clear. Think about how you would want to be respected during a break up and what you would want before you break things off with your partner. Even if you are in the midst of an argument and things are heated, it is ALWAYS best to have a mature, breakup conversation with a clear head which will promote decency all around.

These suggestions can help you to think about how to go about handling a break up. No one can predict your partner’s reaction, but if you keep a cool head and know what you want and need to say, focusing on that will definitely help. I would hope, anyone going ahead with a break up is MORE than sure, because it’s not something you want to have to experience more than once per relationship.

Obviously if there is a marriage, living situation or children involved there are a lot more aspects to consider. Truth be told however, if your heart isn’t in it – then no one benefits. Break ups occur when there are no longer ways to resolve the issues. Moving on can be difficult, intimidating, scary and no one wants to hurt anyone else’s feelings, but it’s important to look at the picture in the long run instead of the here and now.

Be certain, be gentle, and be clear. Give the person time to absorb everything and maybe, just maybe they will come to see in time, it was the right decision for everyone.

Another Argument – Here’s What You Can Learn From It

Laurie Weiss — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 19:01:32 +0000

It’s amazing how often conversations between people who truly love each other get totally confused. Most of the couples I work with are in this predicament, regardless of what else is going on.

Sometimes they wait a long time to come for counseling, because one or both of them is scared about what’s going to happen in that mysterious place, the counselor’s office. You may even be wondering about what actually happens in a counselor’s office yourself.

This couple gave me permission to report on their conversations with me. He is a respected professional, and she has been a stay-at-home mom until recently when she took a part-time job. They have two children, a teenager and a nine-year-old.

Good relationships are built and rebuilt one conversation at a time. This is one of the many conversations we’ve had, rebuilding their relationship after they came close to ending it.

The Conversation

She: We had another argument. We got through it but I want to talk about it.

Me: OK talk to each other.

He: I hate it when you get mad at me at night over little things I don’t even remember.

She: Sometimes you do such nasty stuff. It makes me feel like I hate you. Remember, like dumping the neighbors dog’s poop off our lawn and back into their driveway instead of just cleaning it up. When that happens, I wonder why I married you.

He: (with a slight grin) They deserved it.

She: You don’t have to do stuff like that.

He: I was teaching him a lesson. He should control his own dog.

She: And you do stuff like that with the kids too, and I see people look at me. They wonder why I put up with you.

Me: You don’t feel that way all the time, do you?

She: (completely changing her angry position) Oh no, deep down inside I know he is kind and loving and really cares about me. (Smiling) I know that!

Me: But you’re really angry about some of his behavior aren’t you?

She: Yeah.

Me: What do you actually do at the time it’s happening?

She: Sometimes I tell him how stupid he is to do it.

Me: Is that later, at night?

She: Yeah, when no one else is around.

Me: What about at the time it’s happening? Do you tell him to stop right now? Or do you ever tell him that you hate the behavior the same way you tell one of the children that you’re angry?

(I know she has great parenting skills.)

She: No, I go back and forth between trying to be nice and being scared.

He: If you told me to stop, I would stop.

She: It’s a habit to grin and bear it till later. That’s usually when I finally get mad. I learned to be nice, especially in front of other people.

Me: It’s OK to tell him you’re angry when you’re angry — especially if you do it the same way you do when you correct children.

He: I really would stop.

She: I’m not really sure I can.

He, I really hate being surprised by you being angry at me when I thought things were OK.

She: OK I’ll try, but sometimes it’s really awkward. Like at the block party. I wondered what the neighbors thought when you just followed me to the picnic holding your back while I staggered in carrying the heavy cooler. I just knew they were thinking what a dork you are and wondering why I put up with you.

He: (whining). Well, my back hurt!

She: And you just sat on the cooler the whole time and nobody could even get any drinks out of it.

Me: (to him) What did you tell the neighbors?

He: (defiant) Nothing — they could see that I was hurting.

She: I don’t think so! They really think you’re a jerk, and I’m stupid to stay married to you.

Me: It really would help if you told people that there was a reason for how you were acting. They don’t know your back hurts, unless you tell them.

She: It happened at your company picnic too. When I asked you to hold the play equipment so (their nine-year-old son) wouldn’t get hurt, you sort of groaned and said you’d try. When you left, I told your partner got your back was hurting. She told me, “Oh, I just thought he was being a jerk.” People really do think you are a jerk!

He: They know I’m really important to the company.

She: Yes they do but they really feel sorry for me.

Me: What if you both told the truth and talk about what’s happening when it happens?

He: (finally getting her point.) OK, I’ll try it. I’ll tell them when I can’t do something because my back hurts.

She: (relieved) I’ll try to tell you at the time when you’re doing something I hate.

What’s Really Happening

This is really just a snippet from an ongoing series of conversations. It lasted only a few minutes.

We’ve agreed that my job is to help them have effective conversations with each other to improve their relationship. The argument they told me about is a symptom of an underlying pattern that I must help them change.

Each of them is doing things based on old information about the proper way to behave. Each hates what the other is doing. Instead of looking at the pattern, they tend to look at each individual incident and argue to justify their own unskilled behaviors.

He learned to expect others to take care of his needs without taking action to ask for help or to negotiate. When an adult acts that way he can be seen as an inappropriate jerk—no matter how smart and important he may be.

She learned that acting angry is forbidden. Since it’s almost impossible to never show anger, she saves hers until she can no longer contain it and it spills over in private. By then it is usually too late to do anything to solve the problem she is upset about.

As they both practice their conversation skills in my office, He is learning about the impact his behavior has on her. He genuinely loves her and is appalled that he has hurt her so often. She is learning that it’s far safer to express her small annoyances than she ever imagined, and her angry outbursts are decreasing. Their relationship grows stronger every day.

How to Get Rid Of Your Emotional Baggage Before Your Next Relationship

Nick Arrizza MD — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:44:08 +0000

If you’ve been in a relationship before and you’re entering a new one you likely carry the war scars of the last one with you. What are to consequences to you and your new relationship of walking in handicapped?

Well you’re likely feeling a bit defensive, somewhat jaded about the opposite sex and about relationships in general, you’ve likely started to engage in some sort of “game playing” in order to stay safe or to manipulate your new mate, you are unlikely to allow yourself to become too intimate early on or perhaps at all and so on.

What does all this amount to?

Well certainly not a healthy relationship and definitely another failed one!

The Danger of Carrying the Past With You

You see so many individuals who have had unsatisfying relationships in the past actually carry the trauma of these within yet assume that is a normal part of the learning process and never question it.

It has been my experience that this is not unlike a form of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which clearly affects and undermines the person’s ability to achieve a successful, healthy and happy relationship in their future. This is the reason that so many individuals, later in their lives have turned away from the idea of relationship and towards a solitary existence.

Is there a solution to this problem? Absolutely!

Uninstall the Memories of Past Relationships

You see now for the first time it is possible to uninstall the memories of previous unhealthy relationships from the mind/body consciousness. As hard as this is to believe it actually helps to restore one to their original state of purity and authenticity.

This then allows them not only to enter the new relationship feeling more present, open, honest and confident it also gives them a great sense of resilience. The latter is something that few individuals ever have yet the most important component in my view.

The process that uninstalls memories is called the Mind Resonance Process® (MRP) and it is based on a very simple yet powerful principle that I discovered over a decade ago while I practiced as a psychiatrist.

MRP, unlike psychotherapy, unearths and outrightly challenges unconscious beliefs you have stored within you about memories such as a) why they are apparently useful to you, b) why you “think” you can’t release them and most amazingly c) the belief that they actually happened to you.

MRP compares the apparent “usefulness” of having negative memories inside you against what it actually feels like to have them there. This simple yet profound approach can literally help restore one’s relationship life in a very short time as has been witnesses by hundreds of individuals in thousands of sessions.

Can you imagine entering into your next relationship and feeling as exhilarated as if it was the first one all over again? To have such an experience kindly visit my web site for a free consultation.

Love, Sex, and Dating 2008 – The Best of Dan and Jennifer

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:55:32 +0000

Just in case you missed any of the excitement this year, here’s a wrap of 2008!

I’m including our best, most talked about, and most controversial love, sex, and dating topics of the year.

Enjoy!

Love & Relationships

Sex & Intimacy

Singles & Dating

Men Are from Way Farther Away Than Mars!

Maia Berens — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:06:13 +0000

Many of you probably have read the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and many of the rest you have heard things about it if you haven’t read it. Well, I didn’t write it.

But I worked with John Gray for 18 years, wrote workshops and a training based on the Mars Venus stuff and trained over 500 speakers and therapists on how to give those workshops. So I should know about men, right? Well, I know some things about men.

In order to feel loved in a relationship, men need to be trusted. Men need to be accepted the way they are. They don’t want you to try to change them. Men want to be appreciated for what they do.

They also want to be admired, to be regarded by their partner with “wonder, delight and pleased approval”. Men also need encouragement so that they become hopeful and courageous to go out and do what they do all over again even when it’s hard.

This is all vintage Mars Venus. You may not agree but the expert says so and the following are how I observe this to be true about the man I live with all these years:

Men Need to be Trusted

One of the most hurtful things I can do is not trust my husband. When he does his household disappearing act like leave, say nothing to me that he’s leaving or where he’s going, he is disturbed by my not trusting that if he were going some place for long or really away, he’d tell me.

After all, he just went to the car for twenty minutes. I shouldn’t be worried that he died somewhere or was captured by other Martians.

Men Need to be Accepted the Way They Are

Now I’m a woman and if my husband tells me lovingly that when we are with other people, I sometimes (or often) interrupt him or finish his sentences and we could have a signal so I know when I’m doing it, that’s cool. I don’t mind. He’s right. I don’t want to be the person who does that.

But in his case, he’d rather I tell him how what he does affects me and trust that he’ll make his own improvements. He doesn’t want me to tell him what to do or how to do it.

Men Want to be Appreciated and Admired for What They Do

My love in the form of appreciation and admiration has helped my partner grow from a shy, somewhat timid man, to an outward-going yet quiet type with lots of inner confidence.

I know because he’s told me. I don’t think it would have worked this way if it weren’t truly authentic on my part. I do admire and appreciate a zillion things about him. It’s funny. Admiration alone leaves me feeling a little empty or needing something else. I seem to need his commitment and respect. Those are totally satisfying to my inner self.

Men Need Encouragement

When my ex- used to come to me for encouragement, I basically wanted to kill him. He was mean and ugly a good deal of the time and then it seemed he wanted me to be a good and kind mother. I wasn’t happy about that at all. Whereas when my current husband is low, I find it easy, most of the time, to offer encouragement and, amazingly, it usually works for him.

Men and Their Caves

John Gray also says men like to go to their caves. This was truer in the beginning of our relationship and I’m grateful I knew “men go to their caves”. Maybe the cave has changed but it doesn’t look like it used to. It used to look like hours alone or away.

Now reading without interruption seems to do it for my husband. I’m not sure why it’s become different. I have a suspicion that it’s because he now knows I trust him to leave the cave and I don’t have to try to break my way in to get him to come out.

Why Men Are Further Away Than Mars

If I agree with all this Mars Venus philosophy, why do I say, “Men are from way farther away than Mars”? Because sometimes I cannot understand his thinking, his worldview and the way it must be inside the being of a man.

For example, I knew my husband for probably 20 years, our relationship has a very high level and amount of communication and he, shockingly, one day revealed that he believed in capital punishment!

How can a man who is, like me, peaceful to the point of believing in the possibility of world peace and who is nice and friendly to my ex-, who has liberal views on most anything else still believe in capital punishment?

Another example: say he thinks he’s coming down with a cold. He has lots of sick days. Why does he persist in going to work anyway? It isn’t because he doesn’t take good care of himself. He exercises.

He eats healthy. But he will just muscle through until he can’t stand up any more. And I don’t get martyr vibes from him either. I just don’t’ get that. If I feel sick, which isn’t often nor am I wimpy about it, I lie down. If I muscled through, I would definitely feel like a sacrificial victim. Under those circumstances, I do what I have to but not a drop more.

Since women can’t see the world through the eyes of a man and men can’t view the world through the eyes of woman, my husband and I have both been known to marvel that any relationship ever works, anywhere, any time!

Cheating And Infidelity – Can It Really Be Prevented?

Chick In Heels — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 13:05:19 +0000

I always find it fascinating to hear people discuss infidelity and what could have prevented it or what the cheater ‘should have’ done before stepping outside of their relationship.

Are couples really supposed to think about how to KEEP their partner from cheating or how NOT to cheat?

Do We Really Need to Anticipate Cheating?

The thing about cheating in most cases is, it’s not an anticipated occurrence. I mean, no one gets married or enters into a relationship thinking that they will cheat or that their partner will. So all of the ‘couldda-wouldda-shouldda’ talk seems meaningless to me.

Some experts suggest that the partner who was cheated on did not adorn enough attention or appreciation on the cheater. Other experts solely blame the cheater on breaking their vows or stepping outside of their relationship in greed.

Talking About it Before it Happens

Many tend to agree that couples should sit down and have a discussion at the first sign of trouble or to be open with the other partner about their unhappiness in the relationship prior to having an affair occur. I find that thought wildly unrealistic.

I think if you are at a stage where you have to sit down and have ‘that conversation’ things are already too far gone. Plus, I would bet that there are a very minimal percentage of people who would actually HAVE a conversation like this prior to any affair happening. It just doesn’t happen like that.

As much as we’d like to believe that our partner would ‘at least’ show us the respect of exiting the relationship before a third party interferes, most times, it just doesn’t work that way. The list of what ‘to do’ or what ‘not to do’ when it comes to a faithful relationship is endless.

A true realization of the risk factors to cheating are never fully appreciated until the scope of the reality sets in. In other words, until the cheater is caught or confesses out of guilt. Many men (sorry guys!) have stated that they would indeed cheat if they KNEW for sure they could get away with it.

Unless you can erase your memory, I don’t believe you can ever truly get away with cheating. In most cases, something’s gotta give. Sometimes that will include losing custody of your children, losing your home, losing the person you may have actually loved more.. never truly anticipating that you might be found out.

Does Cheating Really Add Something to the Relationship?

There are those who believe that the odd affair can ‘add’ something to their marriage.

Maybe they have the affair then realize what they ‘really’ have at home and come to appreciate it more. Perhaps the affairs are what keep the cheater feeling fulfilled, and if they are serviced in the area of desire while their partner services all of the ‘other’ needs they figure they might be able to have their cake and eat it too.

So much of cheating is about rationalization, however irrational it truly is.

End It or Stay In It?

For couples who have discovered adultery has occurred, your choices are to end the relationship and move on or attempt to mend the fences. I believe the latter is much easier said than done. Forgiving an affair is one thing, forgetting it is entirely another.

Once basic trust is lost, I don’t know if it can ever be regained. Does the discovered cheater want to live the balance of their life proving themselves and being mistrusted? Does the partner who was cheated upon not realize there are always more options then the person in front of you? There is.

There are always, and will always be other options and temptations for everyone in any relationship. The best you can do is to worry about yourself.

Prevention Just Doesn’t Work

It is my fundamental belief that you cannot do anything to prevent someone from cheating. No matter how badly we’d all like to think we can. There are always couples where one person is shocked that their ‘perfectly happy’ relationship has been rocked by cheating.

However, most cheaters do not feel the same ‘perfect happiness’ that their partners suggest. Not everyone feels the same way even though they are in the same relationship. The best we can do is to try to be happy and fulfilled with the relationship we are in.

If your partner strays then they are not the best person for you anyway and we all deserve better. If you are the cheater, you are obviously missing something in your current relationship as well. The desire I seek in a successful relationship is to make my partner feel as though they are the happiest person in the room at all times.

I also expect my partner to do the same in return. Enjoying one another is vital. Attempting to change a person is not a viable option. Connection is key. Appreciation is also key, however, you don’t have to kiss your partner’s ass in order to save your relationship from the threat of infidelity.

You’ve got to WANT to appreciate that person, and they do the same for you. Be your best person and fully expect to get what you give. If you worry your relationship will be hit by a bus one day, you’ll waste precious time when the outcome of tomorrow is almost always uncertain at best.

Should You Stay In A Sexless Marriage?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 19:21:41 +0000

Many marriages go through tough, rocky times. Whether you’re emotionally distant with your partner or you’ve physically stopped being intimate, going through difficult times with your partner can be frustrating and hurtful.

If you and your partner have stopped having sex, whether you’re emotionally distant or not, should you stay in a sexless marriage for the sake of staying in the marriage?

Staying Together For The Kids

Many married couples believe that it’s better to be unhappy in a marriage and stay together if they have children. They believe that raising their children in a traditional, nuclear family is the best way to go, whether they’re happy as a couple or not.

Many couples will simply grow apart but continue to stay married and live together for the sake of the children? Is this the best idea? Probably not. Married couples that are unhappy, fighting and emotionally divorced have just as much effect on children as physically divorced couples.

No matter what you decide to do, it’s going to have an effect on your children. In fact, it probably already has up to this point. Your biggest decision now is how to proceed. What will impact the children in the most positive way?

If you and your partner are constantly fighting or are so emotionally distant that it appears to your children that you can’t stand each other, there’s really no compelling reason to stay married. Your children will most likely be better off if you’re divorced, spending equal time with happier and more confident parents, even if you are apart.

Why Is The Marriage Sexless?

If you and your partner are in a sexless marriage, you might be thinking about trying to make it work. After all, it’s for better or worse, right?

If you and your partner have come to a decision to really try and figure out what is going on in your relationship, you’re taking a step in the right direction. You need to really figure out why the marriage is sexless.

Consider All The Options

Are you and your partner no longer physically compatible? Do you receive less pleasure from sex now than you did at another time?

If you and your partner believe this might be the case, consider seeing a sex therapist. A sex therapist can help you to look at your physical issues and find ways to use different tools to increase your sex drives and your pleasure in the bedroom.

A sexless marriage could also be attributed to emotional distance. If you and your partner don’t feel very close to each other emotionally, you’re definitely not going to feel the need to be close to each other physically. Spend more time together alone. Get a babysitter, or go out and do things you both love. Get back to where you were emotionally when you were first together, when you were really just enjoying each other’s company.

Get to know each other again! You might consider visiting a traditional therapist. They can help you and your partner to get back on track emotionally by stripping away the every day stuff that can get in the way of a marriage and help you to discover how you really feel about your partner. Once you and your partner begin moving closer together emotionally, your sex life will follow.

I’m Leaving You! Does The Punishment Really Fit The Crime?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:04:40 +0000

If you’ve been in a relationship where you or your partner threaten to leave or end the relationship when you’re angry, you’re not alone. In reality, this is often something people do out of frustration and desperation.

You may not be planning to leave or end the relationship at all, even though you’re angry now.

What causes you to act so extreme?

Feeling Out Of Control

It’s easy for someone to feel out of control in a situation like that. One partner gets upset, the other gets upset and it goes back and forth, escalating until one or both partners feel completely out of control.

Being extremely angry at your partner can make you feel lost and helpless, and an escalating argument doesn’t help the situation any at all. It simply gets to a point where you feel so out of control of the situation that you want to say something, anything, to gain some control again over what is happening.

Threatening to leave or end the relationship puts you back in control and puts the ball back in your court. Your partner may say, “Fine, leave,” however this simply puts you back in the position of feeling out of control.

Arguments between couples often go on and on like this, until one or both partners get enough time and space to resolve the original argument. It might be difficult at that point, however, to even remember what the original argument was about!

Where Does It Come From?

Acting out in this way when you’re having an argument with your significant other really is a primal instinct. It comes out of fear, desperation and frustration. You’re desperate to gain control over the situation and you’re upset and frustrated that you’re even getting to this point in the first place.

You want something you say to make an impact, and in the heat of the moment, the phrase, “I’m leaving” may be the only one that seems it will make a difference. If you find yourself in this situation, you’re definitely not alone.

If You’re The Partner

If you’re the partner of someone who is threatening to leave, realize where this is coming from. Your partner is just hurt, frustrated and desperate. They’re probably not planning to leave nor did they even think about doing so before the argument happened.

It’s difficult not to react strongly to something like this, but if you stop for a moment and realize why your partner is actually acting this way, it might make it easier for you to understand that your partner probably doesn’t really mean anything by it.

Even though you might be angry at this point, it’s important to assure your partner that you’re in the relationship because you want to be, and you don’t want to see it end anytime soon. It’s important at this point that your partner knows you would care should the relationship end!

Expressing this to your partner can bring them down a notch from where they are in their frustration and probably help the argument to stop escalating. Then you can really sit down and discuss what is upsetting you and what the problem is, and begin working towards a solid solution.

Did Your Marriage Fail Because Marriage is a Flawed Concept or Because You Married the Wrong Person?

Chick In Heels — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 19:22:36 +0000

So… what did you LIKE about being married???

There are so many people out there who can speak on this topic. There are many of us who have had a marriage end in divorce or separation. It’s true, life DOES go on.. but how do those with ‘marriage experience’ under their belts now look upon the topic? I find the question of ‘so, what did you LIKE about being married’ to hold two-part answers..

1. What did you think about your past marriage and

2. What do you believe (now that you are armed with the expertise) about marriage moving forward?

Did You Marry The Wrong Person?

First off, if you are in the position to have freed yourself from the clutches of a marriage gone wrong you likely view the problem as being the person you chose in the first place. For whatever reason, the common theme in most dissolutions of marriage is that the two parts simply did not mix long term.

Which, in turn leads to a million other little issues or problems that eventually drive people to the breaking point. Now, this is not the same thing as putting 100% of the blame onto your ex-spouse. It is ultimately saying that perhaps it wasn’t the concept of marriage as much as the wrong person to take that path with, which is the constant most of us with ‘past’ marriages, can attest to.

Or Is Marriage Just A Bad Concept All Together?

There are those who are simply jaded toward the concept of marriage all together. That one time was enough for them. Since they did not marry the ‘right’ person to go the distance with the first time, they believe marriage is simply not for them.

They look upon marriage with disdain and feel that it is merely a trap and that most marriages either dissolve or that those who stick it out are not usually there because they ‘want’ to be. I believe, people with this point of view are not thinking outside of the box on this one. After all, if you had one bad job would you never take on another one again?

Holding onto angst and blame from a previous relationship only halts you from fulfilling any potential of a new situation. Unless, the person who holds such grief toward the concept of marriage, does not believe in the concept of commitment or monogamy in the first place. Then it’s more the idea of marriage that turns them off and not necessarily the partner.

Serial Brides & Grooms

There are also the rebounders who feel lost without having the routine of marriage as a part of their life & may even tend to become serial marry’ers! That is likely the kind of person who holds the fear of being alone above the fear of marrying the wrong person again.

I would hope, that with any bad experience you would learn from it and move forward feeling more knowledgeable then you were before having that experience. I was one of those people who always believed marriage could be a wonderful experience. Having one failed marriage under my belt now, I feel that I am wiser for it.

It has not changed my hopes for what a marriage can and should be,but it has made my future choices for a partner more well informed choices. For example, I would no longer convince myself that settling is acceptable. For me to commit once again to a marriage, I would have to be sure that every detail of the fine mix that makes for a happy and successful marriage was fulfilled and not just ‘hope’ that it would be.

And never again would I allow myself to ‘settle down’ because settling should not be what marriage is about.. I’d only ever do it again if it meant a relationship that broadened my life’s spectrum. That added to who I am, not defined who I am.

The Up Side Of Marriage

So what do I LIKE about marriage? I love having someone special in my life that I ‘want’ to do special things for. I love the thought of having a sexual compadre at my fingertips. Having someone there beside me at night. Having someone in my life that I and others recognize as being a part of what makes up my core family.

I love the idea of commitment and the desire to make a marriage something that is enjoyable, fulfilling and supportive. I love the thought of expressing my deepest form of giving through marriage. Showing the world that I have chosen this person and that they have chosen me.

One might argue that it would be easy to attain all of these things under the boyfriend or girlfriend umbrella without the process of an official marriage stamp. And this is true. Marriage is certainly not for everyone. For those who have experienced it and do not see anything that they LIKED about being married, they have the first right of refusal.

I would wonder what the hesitation would be if the person who you loved and who loved you wanted another whirl at the marriage thing. Isn’t marriage the ultimate expression of giving one’s self wholly and without doubt? No one can predict what will come of ANY relationship, married or not – just the same as no one can predict if they will get hit by a bus.

I am the type who tends to never give up on something I believe in. My first marriage ended yes, but part of the reason for that was my continued belief that a HAPPY marriage was possible and settling was never an option. Perhaps marriage to me is the ultimate expression of giving everything that I have to one person and hoping that the one I’ve chosen would do the same for me. And that’s… what I LIKE about marriage.

3 Common Signs Your Partner May Be Cheating On You

Jim Walthby — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 19:14:33 +0000

An unfaithful husband, cheating wife, any kind of disloyal partner, is an ugly prospect. And that feeling of being betrayed by someone we thought we could trust more than anyone else is one of the worst.

People who discover their partners have been unfaithful to them go through a hurricane of different emotions – anger, sadness, shame, dejection, sometimes even relief. It’s a grieving process, not of a person that’s died, but of a relationship and level of trust that’s instantly disintegrated. In short, it sucks.

But before you can begin “grieve” that loss of trust, or simply throw caution to the wind and ditch your partner for good, you need to make absolutely sure your reaction will be 100% warranted. You need to know without doubt whether your lover has, in fact, double-crossed you by looking for, finding, and partaking in, an affair.

The only guaranteed way of knowing this, aside from finding damning physical evidence or seeing the affair with your own eyes (both pretty rare), is by hearing a confession straight from the horse’s mouth, by communicating your suspicions with your partner and listening to what they have to say however heartbreaking or relieving their response might be.

But before you take that big step, there are a few simpler and smaller steps you can take to make the whole process, the whole “investigation” and confrontation of your partner, easier and more factually accurate.

The first thing you should do is look for some of the most common signs/groups of signs people produce when they cheat. I’ve listed 3 of them below. Read over and think about each and carefully consider if they apply to you, your partner and your relationship.

1. Changes in sex drive and sexual behavior

Sex is almost always an integral part of a happy and healthy relationship between two people. So when one of the two, regardless of whether it’s the guy or the girl, begins to cheat, it doesn’t come as any surprise that changes in the way they feel about having sex with their partner can be brought about. There are two main ways these changes can manifest themselves.

When the cheater initially begins their affair they may, out of guilt and in an effort to avoid the newly formed affair being rumbled, actually increase the amount of attention they pay their real partners in bed. Conversely, and usually a little while after the affair has begun, the cheater may appear to have a loss of sex drive.

They, for some reason, seem to not want to be intimate with you as much as they used to. Once again, this can be attributed to guilt, but more often it’s to do with a fear they’ll reveal their infidelity through they way they behave before, during and after having sex with you.

2. Peculiar changes in habits & schedule

When people cheat, they invariably change their behavior and/or habits in some way, small or large. The reason they cannot avoid these alterations is because, no matter how infrequently or secretly they see the person they’re having an affair with, they MUST, at some point or another, go out of their way to do so (and thereby break or change habits and behavior).

So, look for recent and pronounced modifications in the times they come home/leave the house (and whether the changed times ‘repeat’ weekly), increased usage of the phone or computer for no obvious/innocent reason, and other differences in the way your partner acts and behaves.

You know your partner’s old habits and ways of living better than anyone, so draw from that knowledge to compare how they might have changed them and to decide if the changes are to be taken as possible indications of betrayal.

3. Miscellaneous indicators of infidelity

Lastly, there’s the group of infidelity indicators that don’t fit in any other box or under any other title. They’re the things you notice, question and cannot innocently explain away.

They’re the things you spot but almost choose to forget because you’re so unsure of what they may or may not mean and whether, ultimately, they are true signs that your partner is cheating on you with someone else. Here are just a couple of miscellaneous indications of infidelity:

Your partner no longer seems to get angry with you when in the past they always seemed to be picking a fight or getting worked up over any tiny issue. Cheaters often ‘let their partners off’ because they want as little confrontation (which could lead to a discovery on your part) as possible.
She or he frequently shifts the focus onto you. Cheaters often asks their partners more questions about how their day went, how they’re feeling, etc, again, to shift the attention away from them and their guilt.

Remember, when you suspect your partner may be cheating, always take the smaller steps, by looking for the kinds of subtle signs listed above, before taking the biggest step of all: confronting them. Doing so will give you the very best chance of a happy, or at least a more manageable, final outcome.

Still Living In The Past? How To Let Go Of Past Relationships And Be Happy Now…

Dr. Joe Rubino — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 19:26:38 +0000

Does the following scenario remind you of anyone?

Sue was totally in love with Jim. The couple met in high school and dated for eight years. Everyone who knew them expected them to get married and live happily ever after together. Then Jim met Karen. Before anyone knew what was happening, including Sue, Jim had eloped with Karen, putting an end to all of Sue’s dreams and expectations.

Sue was devastated. All she could think about was Jim and how she had been cheated out of a happy and secure lifetime with him.

She attempted to date other guys, but no one could compare to Jim in her eyes. Sue spent her days feeling sorry for herself and dreaming that one day, Jim would return to her.

After many years, Sue finally married another man. However, he could not measure up to Sue’s memory of Jim. As a result, Sue’s marriage was an unhappy one in which she never was able to give her all to her husband. After a number of unhappy years, her husband left Sue as well.

Sue lived out the remaining years of her life lonely, embittered and righteously indignant about how she had been wronged.

You Can’t Have A Happy Relationship In The Present If You’re Still Living In The Past

It is impossible to be totally present to life, living full out in the moment, if we are incomplete with our past. Instead of welcoming each new experience with a fresh perspective, we become bogged down in the baggage from previously unresolved issues. These issues steal our life energy and diminish of self-esteem.

All too often, when something does not work out as we had hoped, we worry about or re-live the event over and over again. Maintaining our focus on the past distracts and confuses us, draining our energy.

With less energy to focus on making the present an exciting passionate adventure, we slip into resignation and begin to see ourselves as limited, ineffective, unworthy, and even unlovable.

The future presents us with an opportunity to complete the past. When we do so, people and events no longer possess an emotional charge.

Communicating responsibly with the appropriate people and releasing any remaining opinions, feelings, upsets or emotions until there is nothing left to say is the access to clearing all residue that may interfere with moving on in life. When there is nothing left to say or do and you are void of further energy around an incomplete incident, you can start anew.

Complete The Past And Start Living Today

Completion is a declaration you make that you are satisfied for now and ready to move on to what’s next. When you are complete, you no longer feel the need to change, worry or fix something in your past. Your focus can rightfully be placed on your present actions and situation as you design a compelling future deliberately.

There is value in declaring yourself complete at the end of each day. This declaration allows you to recognize your accomplishments for the day putting your mind at rest so that you can start fresh the next day. When you are complete, you experience a new vitality and aliveness.

There is a special sense of certainty and excitement that allows you to be most productive and present for whatever project or opportunity is next. However, most of the time we never quite reach that level of freedom due to our reluctance to communicate all there is to say in order to put it all behind us.

Do not confuse completion with being finished or with quitting. Being finished means you are done with doing whatever it is you’ve finished. Quitting is about your decision to stop what you are doing whether you are finished or not. There are times when quitting does not support you if you are quitting for the wrong reason.

For example, you quit because you cannot be with an interpretation of failing or perhaps, because you are unwilling to take responsibility for communicating what is so for you in the appropriate manner.

Although there is little room in our society for quitters, there is no dishonor in quitting if you are clear about the consequences of your decision and staying at it no longer serves you. All there is to do is simply tell the truth and go on to whatever is next for you.

Exercise For Completion – How To Let Go Of The Past

1) Make a list of all those people with whom you are still angry or have an existing challenge or incompletion.

2) Within the next 30 days, complete with everyone on your list. For those who are deceased or unreachable, write a completion letter saying everything you need to say in order to be complete.

3) For every interaction or situation you experience daily, ask yourself if you are complete, satisfied and fulfilled. Is there anything left to say or do that would allow you to put any incompletions behind you?

4) As you declare each situation complete, look to see what action, project or area of research is next for you.

5) Identify any areas where you have quit. Have you told the truth and completed with your decision to quit? Is there anything left to do or say to anyone about it?

Is There Life After Cheating? Can You Survive An Affair?

Melody Brooke — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 19:21:53 +0000

No matter how long you’ve been in a relationship, an affair can completely turn your world upside down. Whether you were the cheater or the one who was cheated on, when the affair comes out into the open, it seems like life will never be the same.

Can a relationship survive an affair? What can you and your partner do to work past the affair and become a positive, healthy couple again?

Can a relationship really survive an affair? What’s the secret?

The Causes Of Affairs

Too often, people view affairs as the problem. In reality, affairs are really not the problem at all. For example, having a runny nose and itchy, watery eyes are not a problem. They’re a symptom of the bigger issue of allergies.

Similarly, affairs are only a symptom of a problem in the relationship. If there are no allergies, there won’t be itchy, watery eyes and runny noses. If there are no problems in a relationship, there won’t be any affairs.

This can be a difficult concept to grasp, especially if you’re feeling victimized, but to begin working past an affair you have to own up to the causes of the affair.

The causes of the affair were unlikely to be “because your partner is a horrible person.”The more likely causes of the affair were that there was a problem between you and your partner to begin with.

Once you learn to accept that and own up to it, you and your partner can begin working through the affair.

Stop Feeling Victimized.

If you are the one who was cheated on, it’s normal to feel upset, hurt, betrayed and even victimized. Some people, however, stay in that state of mind for too long following the affair because they’re comfortable in the position of being the victim. Who wants to be the bad guy anyway?

It can be extremely difficult to own up to the contribution to relationship problems, and it’s a lot easier to sit back and feel like the other person did you wrong. You’ll never move past an affair if you continue to let yourself feel victimized. Take some time to think through how both partners contributed to the affair and what the possible problems in your relationships might be.

Solve Your Relationship Problems.

If you’re able to get to the point where you and your partner can both own up to your contributions to the affair, you’re ready to move on and start building your relationship back up. Counseling is a great way to work out your relationship problems and it’s very important that you do. If you ignore the underlying problems that caused the affair, the symptoms will continue to present themselves.

Enter into couples counseling or marriage counseling so you and your partner can begin to work through the deep seated problems that were behind the affair in the first place. It’s important to go into counseling together rather than individual counseling, because you stand a much better chance of solving your problems as a couple if you go through counseling as a couple.

With time and effort from both partners, you can begin to work through the affair and learn to trust each other again. When you begin to realize that both parties contribute to an affair, not just the cheater, your relationship has a much better chance of surviving the affair.

Coping With Life After the Death of a Spouse

Elaine Williams — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 13:13:07 +0000

A life change from married to widow is not an easy transition. Whether you’re ready or not, a new life takes shape and somehow we must learn to adapt. Some days even the smallest change in our life can sometimes seem like too much to handle.

Once a widow or widower, your life has turned around drastically. Some of the obvious changes:

1.Size of Income

Income is sometimes halved or can even become nonexistent with the death of a spouse.

2. Tax filing status, and the tax implications

It may be appropriate to use an accountant for income tax preparation, especially in the first two years of loss.

3. Socially

When you are no longer part of a couple, friends and acquaintances may not be sure where you fit into the social circle. At times, you’re not sure where you fit in anymore. Don’t be surprised by adjustments, which may mean letting go of old friends. Allow yourself the opportunity to meet new people, when you are ready.

4. Economically

Bills don’t wait for recovery from the death of a loved one. Your children may need daycare and college age children still need books and tuition. There remains the immediate need to buy food, clothing, and everyday essentials.

Children up to eighteen years of age are eligible for social security benefits. As a surviving spouse you may also receive benefits until the youngest child reaches the age of sixteen.

Getting help from a financial planner can be of great benefit in the financial aspects of becoming a widow or widower. Debt can quickly become overwhelming.

5. Family

As the surviving spouse, we do the best in the solo role of mother and father. It helps, especially for young children, to keep life as normal as possible. You’ll find some days are easier than others.

6. Physically

Economic and lifestyle changes can be the most taxing challenges. Stress will rear its head in the oddest of places and circumstances. Take care of yourself in the kindest way possible or you may find it difficult taking care of anything else. Don’t berate yourself for the dirty laundry or the unmowed lawn.

7. Emotionally

The death of a spouse can throw you into an emotional tailspin. Processing grief is individual and it takes time. There is no right or wrong way to approach it. Don’t rush into any major decisions, especially in the first 12 months of loss.

8. Support

It can be helpful to accept help from outside sources; family, friends, grief support groups, therapists. Keeping fears and emotions suppressed can serve to make you ill and perhaps delay the entire grief process. And it is a process.

Try to move slowly through each day, each week. Don’t rush through the terrible feelings, but try to face them head-on, when you can, and release the tears. Yes, some days will be excruciating, but you’ll discover there is still joy to be found.

One day you may awake to find you’re feeling a little better, and perhaps you’ve evolved into a new person; one who is no longer afraid of new challenges as they arise. You may be surprised to discover that remaining open to life gives each of us the opportunity to reach a new normal.

Should I Give My Cheating Man Another Chance?

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 19:20:28 +0000

Whether you’re in a brand new relationship or a years old marriage, being cheated on is devastating. The idea of losing a relationship and the person you love can be even more devastating.

Should you give your cheating partner another chance or does it end here?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve had the feeling my bf was cheating on me. I’ve caught him in multiple lies about were he was, why it was taking him hours to get home from work, where his money was going… In the end through checking his voicemail and email I found out that he was cheating. I have even gone so far as to show him the emails and tell him about the voicemails. He still insists that it never happened. I am willing to give him one more chance if and only if he comes clean and is completely honest with me. Am I foolish to think that our relationship can be saved?

–Marie, MA

Cheating And Apologizing

Everyone makes mistakes, its human nature. It might have happened because your partner was a little too drunk or it might have been a flat out mistake. A person who cheats and it was obviously a mistake may try to hide it, because they’re afraid of what might happen if they’re honest.

When confronted about the cheating, however, this type of person will usually own up to the mistake and apologize for it. In these cases, it can be easier to forgive and forget and give your partner another chance.

Cheating And Lying

On the other side of the coin, there’s the type of person who will cheat, continually even, and deny or lie about it even when confronted with evidence that they’ve been cheating. Even worse is when this person continues to cheat even after they’ve been confronted about it and denied it!

This type of cheater is definitely more difficult to forgive and in some cases, it’s better to move on and find a new relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to own up to their mistakes and promise to be honest and move past the cheating, there’s really no way you can forgive them.

How can you forgive someone who isn’t sorry or who won’t even stop cheating? This is something you really have to think about on your own and figure out what you can live with. This type of cheater is generally the type that is considered “once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Giving A Cheater Another Chance

For a relationship to be successful, you need to have a level of trust, understanding and confidence in each other. You need to be able to trust your partner and have confidence that they love you and won’t cheat on you. Regardless of how they cheated or with whom they cheated, if you can once again build your relationship on a foundation of trust and honesty, your relationship may stand a chance.

This is essential though. If you try to rebuild your relationship on mistrust, lies and dishonesty, the only way your relationship will be headed is in the dumps. You can try to prolong the inevitable, but if your partner continues to lie to you, continues to cheat or in any way isn’t open and honest with you, your relationship isn’t going to be worthwhile.

You will eventually get tired of lies and mistrust and move on, but knowing ahead of time whether you can really save your relationship can save you a great deal of time and heartache in the long run.

Whether or not to give your cheating partner another chance is not a decision to make lightly. It’s something you really need to sit down and think about before making your choice. Try to talk to your partner and find out what their feelings are towards the situation as well.

Does your partner want forgiveness or do they seem to not care? A lot of your decisions will come from how your partner reacts when you approach them about the cheating.

Why You Should ALWAYS Pay Attention to Your Inner Feelings When You Meet Someone

Dr. Margaret Paul — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 11:15:22 +0000

A friend of mine recently said to me, somewhat in awe, “I’m just discovering that energy is everything!”

Right, it is, but what does this mean, exactly?

What Is Energy Exactly?

Our energy is the frequency, or vibration, that automatically emanates from our being, and is a result of our intention. Each of us is always radiating energy. Energy operates on a continuum from extremely negative to wonderfully positive, and reflects our intent from an extremely unloving controlling intent to an extremely loving intent.

Whenever our intent is to protect ourselves with some form of controlling behavior, our energy is of a low frequency – heavy, dark, difficult to be around. Whenever our intent is to be loving and to learn about love, our energy is lighter and easier to be around. Learning to discern the differences in our own and others’ energy is very important regarding being loving to ourselves.

Understanding Energy in Regard to Relationships

Let’s take an example. Richard, 28, fell in love with Rachael, also 28, an extraordinarily beautiful woman with a winning smile. Richard is a very kind, caring and compassionate person who tends to be a caretaker. Richard believed that everyone was basically like him, kind and caring.

Richard also believed that anyone this beautiful on the outside must also be beautiful on the inside. Instead of caring enough about himself to discern who Rachael really was, Richard allowed lust to determine his decisions and married Rachael.

In time he discovered that Rachael was a really hard, cold and calculating woman, who was really in the marriage to be taken care of financially. The marriage eventually ended in a difficult divorce, with Richard losing much financially.

Had Richard tuned into Rachael’s energy instead of being dazzled by her looks, he would have quickly discovered that Rachael came from fear and neediness, not from caring and kindness. Had he been willing to go within to his own inner, feeling experience of Rachael, he would have known that she was operating from a much lower frequency than he, and was not a good match for him. Had he been willing to experience Rachael with his heart and soul, rather than his mind and genitals, he would have known that she was not for him.

Pay Attention to Your Feelings

How often do you ignore your feeling experience of someone, instead of allowing your surface experience to govern your choices? It is only your feelings that are capable of discerning a person’s energy. If you feel a kind of inner uneasiness, pay attention to it. It might be telling you to be cautious. Even if a person appears on the surface to be open and friendly, the deeper intent is always betrayed by the energy.

If the deeper intent in being open and friendly is to control, you can feel it in your body if you tune in. However, if your intent is also to control, you may not be able to accurately discern another’s energy because your ability to discern is affected by your own intent. When your intent is to learn about what is loving to yourself, then you can tune into your inner experience and discern another’s intent.

The Importance of Energy

Energy is everything. How people look, what they say, or how they behave does not really tell you anything. It is the energy behind their behavior and words that really matter. A person can say, with the softest voice, “I love you,” and the energy behind these words can be totally different, depending upon the intent.

If the person’s intent in saying “I love you” is to get something, approval, sex, money, time, attention, and so on, the energy will not feel good inside you. You might feel pulled on or even drained by the expression of love.

If the person’s intent is to share love with no agenda in mind, it will feel very good inside you. Your job is to stay open to learning about loving yourself so that you are open to learning about another’s intent. You will feel safe inside and create loving relationships when you become a discerning loving adult, instead of reacting as a needy or lustful adolescent, willing to know the truth about another’s intent and resulting energy.

How Dating Is Different After Divorce Or The Death Of A Spouse…

Elaine Williams — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:29:28 +0000

Is there a difference in dating after loss of a spouse or following a divorce? Each occurrence is a major life change, subject to emotions of loss and anger or perhaps betrayal and abandonment.

Some who have lost a spouse may argue that death is worse, being final and out of your control, while divorce is a choice. I disagree.

How Death & Divorce Are Similar

If the spouse you love has divorced you, the choice has been taken away from you, similar to losing someone to death. You also have the added complication of perhaps feeling as if you’ve been thrown away, an understandably devastating experience.

I have experienced both divorce and death, and the aftermath in each instance is neither pretty nor painless. Aftershocks in each case can be experienced years later.

Both situations involve pain. Does death hurt more than divorce? When you lose the person you love, however that occurs, it is a permanent wound on the heart. Loss of any kind is never easy.

Dating After Death or Divorce

Dating after major life changes such as divorce or death, many times holds the same difficulties and rewards. One thing remains the same irrespective of your previous relationship status; dating again after being in a long term relationship means taking your time and re-entering the dating world with the mindset of proceeding slowly.

Start a relationship with no expectations other than starting as friends and see what may develop. If the relationship doesn’t enhance your life, be prepared to move on.

If you’ve lost your spouse and are considering dating, you have to be mindful of not falling into a trap where you’re looking for an exact replica of your previous partner. Your loss has changed you, so you’re no longer the same person with the same needs.

Divorce can carry its own burden of loss and changes. In the aftermath of divorce or death, neither life experience should be rushed through or downplayed. Both take time and energy in which to heal.

After the death of a spouse, there’s a period of time where you may be unwilling to allow another person into your life. Emotionally, you’re on an up-and-down swing with the grief process, and adding another facet to your life such as a new partner is sometimes untenable. If you’ve been out of dating for many years, expect dating to have changed.

Be Sure You’re Ready to Date

If you’re not sure you’re ready to date, you may be open to making poor choices in a new relationship. Whether divorced or widowed, sometimes we think we’re healed but in reality we’re just lonely and want to fill the empty void. In either situation, give yourself time before making any big lifestyle changes.

A divorced person getting back into dating could also be emotionally grieving the loss or abandonment of a spouse. Perhaps you should ask yourself if you’re ready to pursue a new love interest or do you really need some time to remain single.

One of the most important things in resuming dating, no matter what the past scenario may be, is to allow someone into your life who shares the same values emotionally and psychologically as yourself. Don’t settle into a relationship just to have someone in your life.

Being single doesn’t mean you have to be lonely, not if you enrich your life with people and activities you enjoy. Don’t depend on another partner to make or keep you happy, because you’ll be doomed to disappointment. Ultimately, what’s inside fulfills us and adds to who we are; no matter if you are divorced or widowed.

Is The Marriage Brand Under Attack? Take The Poll!

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 13:22:58 +0000

A recent study conducted by the Parents Television Council reveals American television depiction of marriage is getting the short end of the stick compared to sexual imagery describing the “joys” of extra-marital sex, BDSM, swinging, and the like.

Such references, according to PTC, outnumber marital sex 3:1.

So? What’s Wrong With That?

So why is a study like this rubbing me the wrong way? Because this study is nothing short of a scare tactic trying its best to get viewers ashamed of themselves from ever talking about any sexual issues couples, married or not, are talking about in the real world.

“Why do you want to go down this road? Come back to marital sex; come back to the traditional and the true.” I wish we all could but judging by the recent divorce rates, the number of struggling marriages nationwide, and the number of extra marital affairs in the news and in private the marriage brand is looking pretty worn and dusted instead of new and busted.

How Does Society Affect The Marriage Bed?

Again the age old question of does television affect society or is society affecting television comes into play. We see how today many couples and singles are talking about everything from sex toys to an occasional “booty call”. In suburbia, we see couples mowing their yard and taking their kids to soccer practices all the time.

However, these same couples are out at the strip clubs or “swapping” with their neighbors when the sun goes down. Also in suburbia, the drama of couples making up and breaking up happens much more frequently (and without a Hollywood script) than on Wisteria Drive among the ladies from Desperate Housewives.

Marriage Statistics

In putting this story together one study from 2005 (from the New York Times) finds 51% of women are living without a spouse, up from 35%. The 2005 study also found married couples becoming the minority instead of the majority.

For the PTC blaming television of the ill news about marriage is both asinine and thoughtless. Or, to put it in the popular vernacular, it’s sounds like a “you” problem not a “we” problem.

The idea of marriage not getting a fair shake on television is ludicrous! Marriage for years is portrayed as the “cure all” to all sexual issues and lustful intentions. Someone forgot to tell those proponents it shouldn’t be used as a stop gate to begin with.

To blame television as the “ill” maker of society has more to do with the lack of creativity on the part of television executives and in Hollywood (i.e.–reality television) cheapening the airwaves with fast food programming then families and couples going through the struggles and challenges of everyday life.

The Real Problem

I find fault on many levels, but I think my biggest issue lies with the PTC itself. Why on God’s green earth do we need a group like this? Here is the groups statement describing the groups purpose:

The Parents Television Council (PTC) the nation’s most influential advocacy organization protecting children against sex, violence, and profanity in entertainment with more than one million members and growing!

Protecting children against sex, violence and profanity on television?? What about taking the fight to society against violence in society and how it is glorified in movies and media. How about letting parents deal with profanity in their own way stressing to children how these words are poor choices and find better ways to express their frustration.

Instead of your group trying to find sexual issues on every channel why not talk to your neighbors about it or maybe urge Hollywood and the main stream media to stop with the drivel of reality television and actually put on shows with intelligence and depth instead of dumbing down the populace.

America Has Had Enough!

American society is fed up and tired of being force fed the joys of martial bliss; we’re tired of being told marriage is going to solve all our problems. Truth is we all have our issues regarding relationships/sexuality coming from many voices with most of it not true.

To be told marriage will magically change the way we look and feel is a bold face lie. Why don’t we level with couples, young and old, about marriage. “Look, if you are getting married hoping you do things the right way or change the way you act and behave I think you two may need to do some heavy duty counseling before taking the next step. Why not talk to each other and find out what makes each of you tick. Honest straight talk, not the B.S. you call lover’s chit chat.”

I also think groups like the PTC need to disband and find a new aim instead of trying to harp on a subject which has more to do about society in general than the screen facing families day and night. They might find we’ve been talking about sex toys, swinging, voyeurism and the like for years and it’s the critics, not television, that’s behind the times.

Divorced After 23 Years – How Do I Move On?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 15:41:21 +0000

It’s difficult when any relationship ends, whether you’re the one who ends it or not.

It can be especially difficult if the relationship has lasted for several years, even twenty or more years. If you’re not the one who broke it off, being on the losing end of a break up or divorce can be a tough thing to handle.

How do you begin moving on? Where do you start?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We have 2 kids and were married for 23 years and suddenly she asked me to leave and said it’s over. We’re now divorced and she’s dating again. Now she acts like she hates me.

All these questions torment me. I need answers. How do I move on when she won’t even talk to me?

– Youtube Viewer

The only thing you can control is yourself.

If your partner is the one who ended things with you, you probably feel rejected and out of control. You may want to find out why they left you or what went wrong. Your partner, however, may not be ready to give these answers to you and even more likely, they don’t know the answers either.

The truth is, you can’t control anyone but yourself. You can’t make your partner take you back, you can’t make them tell you why they left and you can’t make them act the way you want them to.

You can, however, control how you react to the situation. You can be petty and vindictive if you choose, but you can also be calm and forgiving too. Only you can choose how you act towards the situation. It will be more difficult to move on, however, if you choose to be vindictive or if you harbor ill feelings and anger towards your partner for ending things.

If you choose to take the higher road and work through your feelings of anger and ultimately let them go, it will be easier to move on.

Working through your anger.

After a relationship ends, it’s normal to go through the stages of grief. You lost something and someone that was dear to you and to the human psyche, it’s the same as if someone you loved passed away. You’re going to feel guilt, denial, anger and frustration. You’re going to be hurt and sad, and you’re even going to want to try to get back together with your partner.

The first step to moving on after a break up or a divorce is to realize that all the feelings you are having are normal. It may not help you feel any better right away, but telling yourself that “you shouldn’t feel this way” is not going to do you a bit of good.

When you’re feeling a particular feeling, let yourself feel it. Let yourself be angry and let yourself feel hurt. Then, let it go. Don’t harbor it. Don’t give those feelings a place to stay. Work through your anger and frustration rather than letting it consume you. In time, you’ll feel better about the end of the relationship and you’ll feel yourself start to move on. Don’t rush the process. It takes time.

The end of a relationship, especially a very long one, is tough for both parties involved. There may never be an answer as to what exactly happened to end the relationship because in almost all relationships, it’s more than a single thing. When you begin to focus on yourself and realize that you are in control of only you, you can start to let go of the hurt and anger and make room for a newer, happier state of being.

How To Break The Communication Gridlock And Save Your Marriage

Melody Brooke — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 13:06:46 +0000

As a child I heard that “children are best seen not heard” so often I never spoke up in public about anything. We are taught to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves from an early age.

Gender differences in communication

Girls are taught subtly in the classroom to keep their ideas to themselves.

There was a study done years ago (sorry, I don’t recall the source) where they counted the number of times girls were called upon in class to boys, and the number of times girls were punished for speaking out of turn as opposed to boys. This study revealed that girls are called upon less, and punished for speaking out of turn more.

Boys, of course are taught to hide their feelings from toddlerhood. Our culture doesn’t even allow boys to learn the words for feelings. Then, older boys, fathers, brothers, teachers, and coaches shame them if they show any sign of having a feeling other than happiness or anger.

So it’s no wonder communication is so hard for us. Yet those of us who can overcome our difficulties with communication are the best equipped for any career and have far more financial and social success.

Environmental effects on communication styles

For myself, my “dysfunctional family” further complicated all the cultural edicts against communication. I learned to keep secrets, to protect others from my feelings (I didn’t want anyone to know how badly I hurt because then I would have to tell them why), and to try to guess what others wanted from me since they wouldn’t come out and tell me.

Coming into a marriage with this kind of baggage at age 43 and a history of two failed marriages did not bode well from my new partner. Yet he took the gamble (Yea!) and I think it has paid off for both of us.

To get to good communication from the very beginning we had to fight a number of difficulties.

First, I was phobic of his anger (anger in my family meant someone would get abandoned or hurt) and because of his own Self-Protector mode anger was his primary emotion. Second, I hid my real feelings because of how I had been trained as a child.

The first year of our marriage was turbulent and extremely painful at times. It was a good thing we were so crazy about each other or we could never have survived it!

Overcoming communication difficulties

Overcoming the fear of really being heard was a tough thing for me. I was pretty thoroughly entrenched in the “Victim” role. It has been an evolving process that resembles the peeling of the layers of an onion.

My husband loved me enough to hang in there with me as I peeled off the excess skin and let him see my real self. Because of my childhood wounds I never believed anyone would or could love the “real” me. Yet the opposite has proved to be true. The more I allow my real self to be exposed the more he loves me and the better friendships I develop.

But exposing my real self means telling people what I really think, feel, and need and that can make me feel very vulnerable. What if they don’t like it? What if they don’t like me? What if they get mad at me? What if they leave me? What if “something terrible” happens?

But the worst thing that can happen is my abandoning myself. It may not feel like that is the worst thing in the heat of the moment. In the heat of the moment the fear of the other person’s reaction feels worse than the consequences to the quality of the relationship, or the impact it has on you. But it is not. Abandoning yourself in this way prevents you from getting what it is you really want in your life and in your relationships. And ultimately, it keeps you from feeling good about yourself.

The ugly truth

The ugly truth is that if we speak our truths, if we say what we really feel and want (in ways that are both respectful and empathetic) the other person could still reject us and we could lose them.

But which is worse, rejecting ourselves or being rejected by another person? My personal experience is that if we are maintaining the relationship with a lie about who we are the relationship is doomed anyway.

In the course of my second marriage I seldom told my whole truth, I struggled to keep up the lie that I was okay with how things were going. I have never been so depressed as I was during those years.

Today, though my husband doesn’t always like it, I tell him what I think and what I need. This adds depth and authenticity to our relationship and cements our commitment to each other.

Speaking our truth may be hard. It may be terrifying in fact. But not speaking our truth can condemn us to unsatisfying, painful relationships with others as well as with ourselves.

Taking Ownership if our needs, wants and feelings while being Respectful and Empathetic with those we love can transform our lives and our relationships. It may be unsettling at first, but oh, is it ever worth it!

Relationship Suck? Need Counseling? Read this first!

Paul Carlson — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 14:28:14 +0000

Sometimes, we have problems that we just can’t fix on our own.

Whether they’re relationship problems, sex problems or even behavioral problems and problems from our pasts, we don’t have the resources or the knowledge we need to right ourselves, no matter how hard we try!

Therapy can work wonders, but where do you start? There are hundreds and hundreds of different types of therapy available to you. How do you know which one is right for you?

What is the difference between the various types of couples counseling that’s available? (traditional counselor, hypnotherapy, alternative treatments, etc)

Treating the problem chemically.

Psychiatrists are under the study that all mental illnesses and behavioral problems are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Psychiatrists often treat these illnesses with an array of medications that are intended to replace the lost chemicals or reduce the amount of abundant chemicals, therefore stabilizing the patient’s mood and behavior and quieting any mental illness.

Psychiatry is not a type of therapy that is for everyone, but it is certainly beneficial in some situations. Talk to your doctor to find out if a visiting a psychiatrist is something you should consider based on your current situation.

Talking it out.

A popular type of therapy nowadays is psychotherapy, or talk therapy. What happens in this type of therapy is that you and your therapist sit together for a determined period of time and together, you are able to talk through your issues.

Your therapist can give you the tools you need to make the changes in your own life that you need to make, and they can definitely be there to help you through difficult decisions and unpleasant situations such as divorce, a job loss or even relationship troubles.

Religious based therapy.

Everyone has a belief system and some people prefer to counsel with therapists that incorporate their chosen set of beliefs into the therapy. Catholics will often visit a priest to confess, and Christians and other religious people will visit a therapist of this same religion.

If your faith is an integral part of your life and is often what you base your life decisions on, it makes sense that you would seek out a therapist of your same beliefs.

Hypnotherapy and alternative therapy.

There are many different types of alternative therapies, including acupuncture, hypnotherapy, past life regression, reiki, and more. These types of therapy can work well on their own or even alongside a more traditional type of therapy. These therapies are designed to help bring you peace and an understanding of yourself. They too can help you work through life issues and help you learn what you need to solve your current problems and deal with new ones as they present themselves.

Only you can decide what type of therapy is right for you! Take your motivation into consideration, as well as your beliefs and whether or not you’d like your insurance to pay for the therapy sessions. The most important thing in therapy is to never have a closed mind, and to stick with your therapy long enough for it to work! Just a few weeks in therapy aren’t likely to do you any good, so talk with your therapist to find out where you see things going.

You and your therapist can work together to find a path through this life that is fulfilling and satisfactory. Seeking a therapist does not indicate weakness. It only indicates that you care enough about yourself and those around you to make some much needed changes in your life, and you have the power to do that!

I’m In A Bad Marriage – Should I Stay?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:00:15 +0000

If you find yourself in a marriage that makes you unhappy, you’re not the only one. It’s a difficult situation to get through.

Do you try to make it work? Do you try to leave, or get a divorce? Do you just leave well enough alone and try to be happy, even though you realize the rest of your life will be like that?

It can be even more difficult to sort through if you don’t have any support. Where do you start?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hallo, I’ve been married for 8 years. My husband cheated on me recently and he never showed any guilt & never said sorry. I feel so much pain in my heart, I can’t trust him anymore, and he just goes out everyday after work to drink. I strongly feel I need a divorce but I don’t know how I will be able to take care of my 2 kids. I don’t have a job. My friends tell me to stay until I can manage on my own but I can’t see myself surviving. I thought of having a boyfriend but I don’t seem to get any maybe coz I’m no longer attractive or I look old. I’m only 30 y.o. I hope you can get me a male friend who is a Christian too and in a bad relationship like I am who can take me in and love me for who I am. I really want out, Please help me.

- Hellen, South Africa

Realize That You Have The Power To Change Things

When a person is in a bad relationship or a bad marriage for many years, they often end up feeling oppressed, down on themselves and have a huge lack of confidence. These are all things that will hinder you from changing the status quo.

You do have the power to change the status quo, if you want to. If you decide that you’d like a divorce, or that you’d like to leave the relationship, you might want to look into counseling before you do. A counselor can help you work through the bad feelings that come with ending a relationship or marriage, and they can help you learn to love yourself again and have faith in yourself to do what needs to be done. These are all things that will help make it easier for you when you do leave.

Do What It Takes

Many people will make excuses for staying in bad relationships and bad marriages. They will often say, “I don’t have a job” or “I have kids.” People who have done this before you had many different things that made it extremely difficult for them to leave, but they did it. They did what needed to be done, such as getting a job or finding a way to support their children on their own.

You can too! If you want to leave badly enough, you have the power to find a way. Take some time and do a little research. Find out what you need to be able to stand on your own two feet and then take the initiative to do it!

Using Crutches

Some people are afraid to leave unless they have another relationship lined up, or someone to “rescue” them from the situation. If you wait for someone to rescue you, you’ll likely end up staying in your relationship or marriage forever! Going from one bad relationship to another is extremely unhealthy and you may end up worse off than you were before.

If you’re ending a marriage or relationship, especially one you’ve been in for many years, it’s important that you take time by yourself to understand what went wrong, what part you played, and to learn forgiveness. You need time by yourself to get to know yourself again!

Bottom line, you need to figure out if you’re ready to stay in this marriage and accept it for what it is or begin to move on and start your life over.

If you’re ready to do the latter, have faith in your ability to stand up for yourself and stand on your own two feet! You are a real person and can make things work if you have the drive and the initiative. If you find that you don’t have the self confidence or the trust in yourself to do what you need to do, don’t be afraid to get help!

Can You Win the Approval of the ‘Dating Board’?

Jason Likert — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 15:23:29 +0000

Dating, divorced or not, can be as nerve wracking as a tough job interview. You never know the questions but at least you know what you should get quizzed on. You’ve fielded all of the queries from your new interest but it’s time to move on to what I like to call “The Board Room.”

What Is The Dating Board Room?

The Board Room isn’t a physical place. It’s the culmination of several different people who are going to interview you and present their findings to your lady. This interview process can take days, weeks or even months, depending on who is part of the board room. It always occurs, even if you don’t know it. This is where you may here “You’re fired!”

Who Is On The Board?

The board can consist of several different men and women who have the interests of your lady in mind. Most women have at least two confidantes; a “best” girlfriend and a close male “GuyFriend.” Other members of the board normally will include at least one or two other friends of either gender and close family, like her mother and dad.

The Girlfriend

You have to sell yourself to this woman. Not only is she the closest person to your lady, your lady is probably her best friend. Early in the relationship The Girlfriend is probably the most important person to not insult, cajole or arouse suspicion in. Her word will be what seals the deal. If she doesn’t like you there’s not much hope for your new relationship.

The “GuyFriend”

The GuyFriend can be a tough sell. Put yourself in his shoes. Here’s a close female friend of his who is dating this new guy (you). You’re competing for part of his turf and she will listen to the GuyFriend to determine if you’re a huge creep. Guys tend to read guys rather well. If you’re obviously a fraud, the GuyFriend will spot you easily.

Mom and Dad

Depending on how close she is to her family, mom and dad’s opinion of you may be what truly closes this deal. They raised her, have her interests in mind, and know now to handle your lady when they want her to listen. Parents also have the job of ALWAYS being the parent and have met her other men. Mom and dad have the experience of dealing with the good and the bad and will understand your situation.

The Posse

The Posse is her other friends. The ones she hangs out with now and then but doesn’t share all of her secrets. One or two may have misgivings about you, it’s bound to happen. You’re in serious trouble if ALL of them do.

How To Get The Job

There’s only one safe bet to get the job. Be real. Be yourself. Unless you’re a Hollywood actor who never steps out of character and comes back to the real world, people can and will see you for who you really are. You can only keep up the act for so long. It’s only a matter of time before your truly colors show. Remember that a tiger can’t change it’s stripes. Maybe it can roll in the mud and cover them, but before long someone will see it for what it truly is.

Does Being Divorced Help?

Divorce, hard as it is, can complicate matters even further, particularly if you have children. Children change the dating landscape and your new lady knows that. Her parents will be more than willing to impart their wisdom about your situation which has the tendency to be more negative if their daughter doesn’t already have children.

As difficult as things may be, divorce can also be a strength. You’ve been through something physically and emotionally difficult and come out with a stronger emotional fortitude.. Use that strength in the board room. Be open about yourself but be true to who you are. Your lady, her friends and her family will appreciate you more for it. Before you know it, you’ve got the job.

Verbal Warfare! Make Up or Break Up?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 14:07:05 +0000

If you find yourself in a relationship where you find yourself constantly arguing and fighting with your partner, you’re not the only one.

You’re also not alone if you genuinely love this person and want to make the relationship work.

Are you doomed to a breakup?

Not necessarily…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend (ex?) and I fight all the time!! When we are not fighting we get along great! Everything will be fine, then BAM, full blow verbal warfare.

We have been on and off, because of this pattern. We are both tired of fighting, arguing, etc. WE got along so great once upon a time, we some how had a miss-fire that has never got fixed, I don’t understand.

The question, does it have to be over?

- Matt, Kansas City

Realize That No One Has To Be Right

The root of all evil is money . . . actually, it’s the ego. A person’s ego trumps all other things and it has a need to be right all the time.

This is generally what drives people to argue and fight. It starts out pretty innocently. Someone does something that the other partner doesn’t like and it hurts their feelings.

They speak out, but it soon turns into something to the effect of, “Well, I did that because you did this,” so on and so forth. It becomes about placing blame and proving who was right and who was wrong. If you begin to recognize this pattern of arguing, you can learn to move past it. It will take a joint effort, but it also takes two people to argue in the first place.

The Relationship Is Not Doomed Unless You Let It Be

Another thing you must realize is that couples argue. Married couples argue, new couples argue, old couples argue. It’s seemingly a way of life among people who have significant others.

You and your partner’s ability to move past the arguments and let them go is really what determines whether your relationship is doomed or not. You can have an argument and if you’re able to work out the issue and move past it, you’re in a better position than many people in your same situation.

The important thing is that you and your partner do work out the issue and not just put it to bed and try to ignore it, because if you do that, the issue will come up again.

Communication Skills

Communication skills between partners are not something you get right away as soon as you start dating someone. Sadly, there’s no handbook that tells you how to communicate with this particular partner and how they’re different from everyone else you’ve dated.

That’s something you have to learn for yourself and your partner has to learn the same about you. It takes time to learn how to communicate with your partner effectively and to get your needs, wants and upsets across to them without starting an all out war.

Getting Help

Don’t be shy about getting help if you truly need it. Many partners who really do love each other find themselves unable to break out of the argument cycle and let it get the best of them. If you and your partner want to make it work but find yourselves unable to, don’t be afraid to get help from an unbiased third party.

A relationship counselor or even a sex therapist can help teach you the tools you need to be able to handle arguments and fights without taking it overboard. Your relationship is certainly not doomed and with a little effort, you and your partner will once again find that place where you both get along great and truly enjoy each other’s company. It won’t happen right away, but anything that is worthwhile takes a little time and hard work to get what you want.

Should You Stay Married Just For The Kids?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 13:03:37 +0000

Marriage is a choice that thousands of people make every day. For many people, this is one of the best times of their lives.

Unfortunately, however, marriage may not always be the best choice or the one that makes you the happiest and even worse, this is usually not realized until much later.

What can you do if you find yourself “stuck” in an unhappy marriage?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, please help! My friend has been in an unhappy marriage for 28 months. Her son is 23 months old. Before their marriage they broke up because the husband had another woman but she found out later she was pregnant and her husband married her unwillingly. All through out the pregnancy the husband was unsupportive and uncaring. They never share a room and bed since they marry. My friend is 40 y.o. She is desperate for a divorce but is worried that if they divorce, it will affect the child. He says he will never love her again, will never sleep with her and will never suggest a divorce. Please let me know how to help her. I’ve always thought it was a mistake that they got married.

-FD, Hong Kong

Assess the Situation

Being “stuck” in an unhappy marriage is frustrating, intimidating and upsetting. However, many people fail to realize they’re not really “stuck” at all. While one should never marry someone if they’re thinking they can just get out of it later, if you’re in a marriage and you’re not happy, you’re not really “stuck.”

You have the power to change the status quo at any time! You have the power to end the marriage and move on with your life. It may not be quick and it may not be easy, but it can be done and if it’s something you want or feel is necessary, it is certainly something you should do.

Assess the situation. Are you really unhappy in your marriage? Do you feel that counseling might be beneficial? Is counseling something you’re willing to do? Sometimes counseling can help, but not always. Give yourself some time to really think about what you want.

It’s not an easy decision to make or one that should be rushed. Some people will end up coming to the realization that the marriage is already over and the only thing left to do is make it legal.

Staying Together For The Kids

Many unhappy couples think they should stay together for their children. This is entirely up to you, but be warned that at this point, you’re not going to be in an ideal situation no matter what you choose to do. If you get a divorce, yes, your children will be in split homes. If you don’t, your children may learn that marriage is an unhappy, miserable place to be.

What you do stand to teach your children if you choose to get a divorce is that marriage doesn’t have to be miserable and you have a choice? You can teach them the reality that while marriage is intended to be happy and it can be but if it’s not, they have the power to move on and be happy in other ways.

Moving On

It can be difficult to move on from any relationship, but if you’re unhappy it is something that needs to be done. Realize that you deserve to be as happy as anyone else and use it to gather the strength and determination you need to move on and be happy! If you can’t work things out with your partner, it certainly isn’t the end of the world. While there are plenty of fish out in the sea, perhaps you want to swim alone for a little while!

Your life is what you make it and you can choose to stay in an unhappy marriage or you can choose to move on and find something that does make you happy. Realize that you’re never “stuck” anywhere you don’t want to be and that you have the power to change the status quo. You don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage if you don’t want to, plain and simple!

How Can I Get My Ex Back?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:58:04 +0000

You’re in a relationship and suddenly, before you even know what is happening, it’s over.

You mourn the loss of your relationship and your partner and you wonder where you went wrong.

If you’re lucky, you’ll figure it out, because some people never do. If you’re able to understand what happened to cause the relationship to end, will you be able to get your ex back?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi! I discovered your videos on YouTube, and figured you could help me out. I had been with my ex-girlfriend for just over 18 months. Everything was going great for the first 12 mos. We broke up a couple of weeks ago, and I was devastated. She said things had gotten boring and that the past few months she didn’t really feel like a couple. She said she still wanted to be friends and needed time to think. I haven’t heard anything from her since then. I’m getting worried that she’s forgotten about me and never wants to see me again. I’ve realized where I went wrong. I just want to know if my ex-girlfriend will ever come back to me and if it’s possible how I can get my ex-girlfriend back. Can you help me!

- Matt, Cumbria, England

Realizing the mistakes.

It takes many people a long time to realize their relationship mistakes and even then, the realizations are sometimes biased or one sided. Some people never understand why their relationships end, and this can be frustrating!

You may find yourself in a situation where a relationship has ended and you’re wondering what happened. Take time to really sort out what happened between you and your ex, and what role both of you played in the ending of the relationship. A relationship’s untimely demise is seldom the result of just one person’s actions.

Take a look at what your ex contributed to the relationship’s end, but beware of placing blame all on them. You also need to examine what you contributed to the relationship’s end. If you are able to get to a point where you can truly admit the part you played in what broke you and your ex up, consider yourself better off for it!

Learning from your mistakes.

You’ll never get anywhere if you realize your mistakes but never learn from them. If you’ve figured out what you’ve done that wasn’t right, or that helped bring your relationship to a close, make sure it’s not something that you continue to do in other relationships.

If you and your ex get back together, make certain it’s not something you continue to do in that relationship! You’d be surprised at how many people end up repeating the same mistakes over and over again. It’s important that you use your mistakes as an opportunity to grow and learn.

No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes in a relationship. Part of being in relationships is making mistakes, learning from them, and stopping the behavior in its tracks.

Moving on.

You may be tempted to try to get your ex back, and it’s certainly worth a good try. It’s never certain if you’ll be able to mend what was broken, but you’ll never know unless you give it a shot. Try to contact your ex and let them know that you’ve come to a point where you understand how you contributed to the end of the relationship. Find out if they’ll talk to you and if they’ll accept your resolve to make things different the second time around.

This doesn’t always work, however, and sometimes your partner may not want to pick up where you left off. That’s okay. It may be frustrating and even hurtful, but if your ex doesn’t want to resume the relationship, there’s really nothing you can do about it.

Take this time to cherish what time you and your ex had together and then put it to bed. Learn from your mistakes and take the opportunity to turn something that didn’t happen the way you wanted into something good. Make the next relationship even better! It’s all about growing and learning, and moving on if you have to. Just make sure you’re not repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

Do You Know Why Your Partner is Pushing You Away?

Melody Brooke — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 13:42:27 +0000

Don was a tall thin, ex bass guitar player of 43 who had been sober for 18 months. He had, for the first time in his adult life begun to experience the pleasure of being alive without drugs in his system and had met Karen. Karen was a divorcee with two teenaged children. Her ex-husband had been a raging, violent alcoholic with whom she had struggled nearly 20 years to make a life.

When she met Don she felt relieved to be with someone who listened to her feelings, cared about what she thought and wanted. Together they forged an attempt at a marriage. Within six months Don had begun verbally putting her down and nagging at her for minor infractions. Karen had been “through this before” and she withdrew from him emotionally, mentally making her plans for divorce before they were through their first year.

The Underlying Issues

Before the year was out she had divorced him and was convinced that no man could be what she needed. When I spoke with her a few months after the divorce she told me about the failure of their marriage. She said he had never been able to perform sexually, but that she was not upset about it; she was just happy to have someone who cared about her. But as his own since of inadequacy around his sexual performance grew, he became angrier and angrier toward her, ultimately pushing her to divorce.

I was saddened that she had not discussed her marital problems with me prior to their divorce because I knew what had happened could have been prevented had she been aware of the dynamic underlying his behaviors. Don’s insecurity put him in a position of feeling trapped and hopeless, despairing of being the partner for his wife in the way he wanted. His instinct was to move into a self-protective mode, pushing her away so that she would not want to be sexual with him. Karen then reacted back in her own self-protective mode and retreated behind first emotional barriers, then legal ones.

Both in tremendous pain and feeling like a failure, the marriage dissolved without so much as a look back.

Failure Out of Fear

Don and Karen’s dramatic example of how a marriage can fail out of a fear that is not addressed highlights the pain that results from a lack of compassion in marriage. Do I think Karen should have continued to put up with his verbal abuse? No, I don’t. But I do think that if she had been able to see through the rage into the pain that was underneath, she may have been able to save her marriage.

Don continued to be the same loving, gentle, wounded soul she had married, but she lost sight of that because of how his hurt and fear played out. No one can blame her for that considering the abuse she had endured for nearly 20 years. Yet all in all, it was such a shame for both of them.

Had Karen recognized that he was pushing her away because he was so fearful of rejection by her because of his inadequacy in the bedroom, she could have responded to him with empathy instead of self-protective anger. Had Don recognized and been able to own his true fear to her instead of pushing her away, things might have turned out very differently…

If Karen had come to me sooner, I could have helped them work through their fears and begin to see each other as human beings who are hurting and desperate for love. Had either of them taken ownership of the situation and offered empathy and respect to the other, compassionate understanding could have transformed their relationship.

How to Work Through the Fear

If you find yourself in a situation where your partner seems to suddenly be pushing you away with anger, nagging or other kinds of protective withdrawal there are things you can do.

Breathe, and know that whatever is going on with them, while it might seem like it is about you, rest assured it is not. Contain your own reactivity long enough to hear what is really going on.
Listen to the fear and hurt underneath the anger. When someone is angry and bitter or cold, they are in pain and/or fear.
Respond in a way that acknowledges your recognition of their feelings. Say something like; “I can see that you are really hurting right now. I’m sorry. What is going on?” Use your own words to convey that message.
Give them a chance to fully disclose what they are feeling even if it makes no sense to you initially and you don’t agree with their point of view.
Respond to what they are saying with some kind of acknowledgment that what they are saying makes sense given how they saw things. (This does not mean you agree, only that given how they are seeing it, it makes sense.)
Let them know you empathize with their pain and/or fear. Have you ever felt anything like what they are expressing before? Our human experiences are always similar. Letting your partner know you’ve been there helps them feel safer with you.
If they will let you, connect through some kind of physical touch, a hand on the shoulder, a kiss, a hug, a held hand… something that gives them the physical sensation of your being there with them.

Of course, I recognize how difficult this is to achieve when someone is expressing their anger directly to you. But when you can shift out of the automatic reactive self-protection mode you have a chance and getting beyond the tit for tat battles that are the downfall of even very close relationships.

The compassion that is the end result of such communication can really change everything about your life in every relationship. It can save your marriage.

Should You Get Married To A Man Who Doesn’t Want Kids?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 28 May 2008 15:44:05 +0000

If you find yourself in a situation where you’re in a committed relationship but your partner doesn’t want kids (and you do), take heart because you’re not the first.

Regardless, it is still a difficult situation to be in and one in which decisions must be made. It is never easy to choose between the possibility of having children and your partner.

That said, can you somehow make your partner change his mind? It’s not likely.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. He tells me that he loves me very much and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I feel the same way but he doesn’t want to have children. I can’t give up the idea of never having a child and I don’t think he will ever change his mind. We were going to move in together, but since he made it very clear that he doesn’t want children, I decided to move to another state. He wants us to continue communicating after I move. I don’t think this would be a good idea. My friend tells me that the emptiness and loneliness might change his mind. I really don’t know what to think.

What should I do? Should I continue communicating with him or see him? Please help me.

- Jennifer, New Jersey

Talk to him.

In some way or another, you’ve found out that your partner is not interested in having children. That can be huge, life changing discovery, especially if you’ve looked forward to having children with your partner for some time.

Is the topic open for discussion? If so, take some time to go over with your partner your needs as well as his. Why doesn’t he want children? Does he want them later, but not right now?

Don’t pass judgment or be critical when you ask your partner these questions. You’re just looking for his side of the story so you can better understand where he is coming from. In turn, you should be able to share your side of the story and express your needs about wanting children.

It may be likely that the issue is non-negotiable. Some people just don’t want kids. They are content with their lives as they are and feel that children would be a burden. Some people feel as though they aren’t capable of caring for children. Either way, these are legitimate feelings that should be respected.

It’s non-negotiable . . . what do I do?

You’ve discussed the situation with your partner and he truly does not want kids. What do you do? It’s time to make a decision.

You can’t change his mind. You can try a number of things to try to change the way he feels about you and feels about the situation, but chances are these won’t work. Even if they did, the change would likely be short lived. Your partner has the right to have his own objectives for his life and that’s okay. You are only responsible for you and your life.

So what do you do? Do you choose the possibility of having children or do you choose your partner? It’s completely up to you, so take as much time as you need to think the situation over.

Don’t rush making a decision. Really think about what you want in life and what you’re willing to sacrifice to get it. Do you want children badly? Does the thought of having children of your own make you feel complete? Or do you feel as though your life would be lost if you and your partner didn’t make it? Ask yourself questions that really make you think.

When you’ve decided what to do, you need to break it to your partner. If you’ve decided to leave your partner or already have, you need to tell them exactly how you feel. You may be better off going your separate ways.

If you’ve decided to choose your partner over the possibility of having children, keep in mind that this can be a huge weight on your partner’s shoulders. They might not want to feel responsible for you not being able to have children and may break it off anyways.

All you can really do is take your time and make the decision you feel is right in your heart. Trust yourself to choose the best thing for you!

Think Cheaters Are Always the Bad Guys? You May Be Wrong…

Melody Brooke — Wed, 21 May 2008 13:05:54 +0000

It’s all over the media, Maury Pauvich, Joey Bosco’s “Cheater” series, the front page of the New York Times with the story of Elliot Spitzer, and of course, Bill Clinton. Now, in our culture, there is nothing worse than a cheater, is there?

We hate them for being unfaithful to their wives, husbands, girlfriends, or boyfriends, for breaking their contract to be faithful. We love country and western songs of retaliation for cheaters. (e.g. Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats”) In Texas, not so long ago, it was legal to shoot your wife if you found her having sex with someone else.

Cheaters are considered the worst kind of bad guy. Our hearts go out to the poor victims of a cheater’s actions. It makes for great drama involving our anger, rage and sense of self-righteousness.

Why cheating is so disturbing

The whole concept of “cheating” is something I find intriguing. If you have a relationship with someone, don’t you want them to want to only be with you? Of course you do!

That’s why it breaks our hearts when they chose to do otherwise. But if they want to be with someone else, well, we don’t really have the relationship we thought we did do we? That, to me is the place for the pain.

Cheating is a symptom of a relationship that is not complete. I think this is what “Dr. Laura” was trying to say about Elliott Spitzer’s wife, not that she was responsible for his cheating, but that, hey, something had to be amiss in the relationship for this to be taking place.

When someone “cheats” they are seen as the “bad guy” and the poor hapless “victim” is the object of our compassion, while the “cheater”, well, he’s just “bad”.

We have these marriage contracts and unwritten contracts with our partners that we will be “faithful” to them and our rage is incited when they “break the contract”. We don’t stop and wonder, “Oh, what is going on here that my partner wants to be with someone else?” No, we think, “That jerk!” (or whatever expletive we choose)

Has someone been wronged?

Our focus is on someone having been “wronged”, “done dirty” and leaving the “victim” to be perceived of as the “helpless victim” of this “bad person” who cheated on them.

When someone is having sex with someone other than his or her partner. Well then, they don’t really consider that person their partner do they? What has happened is that the partnership is null and void at that point. So in reality, there can be no “cheating” when there was no partnership in place anyway.

When I realized my husband was having sex with someone else my heart was broken. But I did not and do not think of him as a “cheater.” Our relationship was in shambles at that point and he was acting out on the pain he was in by finding someone else. My heart was broken because the reality of his choosing to have sex with someone else meant that he no longer considered me his partner. It meant he had given up on us. This is what broke my heart.

What the marriage contract really about

Our contract as a couple is not to ‘be faithful no matter what” or even to remain together no matter what. Our contract as a couple is to work on being a couple, together. When that stops happening, then the relationship is in trouble. The contract is being re-negotiated constantly.

When we settle for a less than intimate connection with our partner we are agreeing to the reality that we are not really in true partnership, and that the possibility exists that our partner may choose to move into an intimate relationship with someone else.

Partnerships, off all sorts, require constant re-negotiation and re-commitment. When there is a break in the intimate connection of a partnership we are responsible for working toward re-connecting. If we spend weeks, months, years out of connection with our partner and then find that they have had sex with someone else we have no right to blame them.

I am not saying that having sex outside of a committed relationship is honorable or even “excusable.” What I am saying is that there is not a “bad guy” and that both parties bear some of the responsibility for what is occurring in the relationship; even the cheating.

Different relationships, different reactions

Christine and Lew had been married for 8 years; they had a lovely 6-year-old daughter and lived in a nice home in Plano. Lew came to therapy because he had been discovered having had an affair with someone he had met on a business trip. By the time it had been discovered, Lew had already broken off the relationship with the woman because he had, on his own, realized he didn’t want her, he wanted his wife.

But he knew there were things wrong in the relationship that needed to change and that his having the affair was a symptom of the problems. Christine came to therapy a few times, but she was so hurt and angry she could not address the problems between them. She considered that Lew had broken their marital vows and that she had no responsibility in what occurred.

She refused to look at the marriage, insisting that the problem was all with Lew. She saw herself as a hapless victim of this cheater and that was all there was to the story. I don’t know what happened to them because with Christine unwilling to continue in therapy, Lew stopped attending.

Contrast this to Jayme and Ryan who have now reconciled after a year of exploring what went wrong with their idyllic marriage. They both came to recognize that things they did contributed to the environment of disconnection that led up to Jayme going outside of their relationship for intimacy she felt was lacking in her marriage. She still loved her husband, and didn’t want a divorce, but was feeling a desperately needy.

Her having chosen to remain home with their new child over Ryan’s protests had resulted in Ryan being angry and critical of Jayme. With all the chemicals of having just had a child going through her system, combined with an immature reaction to his rejection of her led to her reaching out to another man for comfort. Ryan, hurt and angry, divorced her quickly after discovering the “betrayal”.

But through months of therapy, he was able to resolve his anger by recognizing that he had responsibility in what happened, too. Jayme, struggles with her shame about what happened, but realizes, too, that she was in a terrible place and made bad choices. Both have begun to forgive each other, and themselves, for the behavior that led to the affair.

“Cheating” is only a symptom of a relationship with problems. Even if the “cheating” is a result of a sexual addiction; the addiction is the problem, not really the cheating. Addictions are caused by a need, a wound; pain that needs to be resolved by the person and an addicted person cannot express or experience true intimacy.

The partner of someone with a sexual addiction has accepted a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable.

If you are concerned your partner is “’cheating” then you have to acknowledge you would not be having that fear if the relationship were right. Stop ruminating about the cheating and start working on the relationship.

Burned By His Ex… Will He Ever Commit to a Relationship With Me?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 19 May 2008 14:04:47 +0000

It’s an age old dilemma…

A woman is dating a guy who isn’t ready to commit. It can certainly be vice versa, and either way, it’s frustrating to be the one ready to commit when your partner isn’t.

Everyone stresses the importance of being on the same page relationship-wise with your partner and they’re right. What can you do though when they’re not ready to commit and you are?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I met a guy through work, I’ve been out with him several times, had a good time. I like him a lot and think he likes me too. He doesn’t want a relationship and a commitment because an ex girlfriend whom he was planning to marry dumped him for another man nearly two years ago. He said he still wants to meet up now and again.

I’m wondering what’s the point in meeting anymore. But on the other hand I’m also thinking that maybe I should continue seeing him and give him some space and don’t hassle him and then see if over time something does develop. What do you think ?

-D, United Kingdom

Your partner wants to continue casual dating

That’s great, but remember, you have to read between the lines. Do you think that your partner truly wants to continue casual dating or is just too afraid to say that they’re “not that into you?” If you suspect the latter, just confront your partner in a positive way to find out the truth. If they really are into you but just want a casual relationship, go for it!

You also need to ask yourself if you’re comfortable with casual dating. Is this something you’d like to continue doing as well? There are two sides to this coin. If you enjoy being with your partner and you have fun together, you might want to relax a little about the commitment issue. It could be that you’re with the right person but it’s not the right place or time for a commitment and that’s okay!

On the other hand, if you’re just plain not comfortable with casual dating if you can’t see it going anywhere, then you might want to consider moving on. It sounds harsh, but holding on to hope that something will change later on down the road while you’re unhappy in the present is just going to make both you and your partner miserable.

Only move forward with the relationship if you’re fine with casual dating from here on out because there is the possibility that your partner will never want a committed relationship.

Moving forward

If you decide to move forward with the relationship, it’s important that your commitment shy partner get lots of space. Giving them no room to breath or giving them ultimatums will likely result in relationship disaster.

Find things you like to do and enjoy them. Go for a walk, join a bowling league or sign up for that painting class you’ve been eyeing. Busy yourself with things that nurture your being and let your partner fall in between the cracks. Make time for them but don’t make your whole world revolve around them.

That can sometimes be the key to getting a commitment shy person to warm up to you. They don’t feel like they’re the center of your universe and ,if they make one wrong move, your universe will come crashing down. Who wants to have that much pressure put on them?

Either way, if you and your partner end up calling it quits later, you haven’t missed out on things you wanted to do. If you do work out, you’ve learned how to build a solid foundation for a relationship.

My Boyfriend is a Total Liar! Should I Dump Him Or Give Him Another Chance?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 06 May 2008 13:45:40 +0000

What should you do if your partner lies to you?

It can be a tough situation to deal with, especially if both partners love and care about each other despite the lies.

There are a few things to ask both yourself and your partner before making a decision whether or not to stay with them.

One thing is for certain – a good relationship is open and honest.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We have been living together for 3 years and together for 3.6 years. We are engaged.

He would do ANYTHING for me, but at the same time LIES. He lies about MONEY and work. He is not a good provider. I can’t even work because he can’t afford his own car and uses mine and He would rather be the one working.

What do you do when you both love each other but your partner can’t tell you the truth about money things? How can I get him to UNDERSTAND that he needs to be honest about money and work? Please help, I need to make a decision FAST before I marry into a problem that cannot be fixed.

- Melissa, NY

Why is he lying?

Is he lying about money? Is he lying about work? Is he lying about extramarital affairs? While it’s important to pinpoint what your partner is lying about, it’s also important to understand why your partner is lying.

Could it be something that stems from childhood?

Many pathological liars have psychological issues that stem from childhood. Whatever issues your partner has that may be causing him to lie to you need to be worked out by him and him alone. This is something he can see a psychiatrist or a therapist for. They will help your partner work through his problems so he can learn to be honest and open with you about everything that has to do with your relationship.

Are you creating an environment that forces him to lie about things?

While partners shouldn’t lie to each other, it is not uncommon for a partner to feel forced to lie because he or she does not feel safe telling their partner the truth. What happens when your partner tells you something you don’t want to hear? Do you jump down his throat? Do you yell, start an argument or berate them?

If this is the case, you must understand that your partner most likely lies to avoid what happens when you don’t get the answer you want. He’s just telling you what you want to hear so you’ll leave him alone. It sounds harsh, but it happens. If you suspect that this might be your situation, relax a little and make your partner feel safe telling you the truth. It will take time, but you and your partner can learn to trust each other again and build the foundation for a great relationship.

Can he change?

You must ask yourself if you’re ready to commit yourself to someone that lies to you. Your partner can’t change because you force him to – he can only change if he wants to. Talk to him. Does he want to change? Can he? If he’s working with a therapist, he most likely can but it will take time.

If your partner doesn’t change, you have to be prepared to be with a liar for the rest of your life. Is this something that you can handle? Is it something you want to handle?

In most cases, the answer to those questions is “no.” So you must do what you have to do if your partner continues to lie to you and move on. Let him know that his lies are driving you apart. He needs to understand that his actions are the cause of the breakup. If your partner wants to change and you believe he can, give him a shot and see where it goes. If you truly love each other and work hard to overcome this obstacle, it can be done.

Cheating and Infidelity – 5 Tips For Healing The Hurt

Lisa Brookes Kift — Sat, 03 May 2008 13:07:14 +0000

Infidelity is certainly one of the most challenging issues a couple can face. The depth of pain experienced by the partner who was cheated on can be excruciating and unrelenting.

For those who are not able to move past this transgression, it can represent the death of the relationship. The breach of trust is simply too much for some to bear which is completely understandable.

However, for those who want to try to move past this event and rebuild their relationship foundation – there is hope. Make no mistake – it requires hard work and a commitment to the process.

The issue of “cheating” and having an “affair” comes up frequently in my couples work. Though this is one of the more challenging circumstances to work through in relationship therapy, the fact that the couple has presented themselves at all to work on it is a great sign.

Infidelity can not only be very damaging to the partner who was cheated on but shaming for the one who did the cheating. When a couple such as this sits down on the couch in front of me, they both know they are about to climb an incredibly steep mountain together in which they may not even make it to the summit.

There will undoubtedly be slippery rocks, sharp grades and formidable weather along the way.

I want to provide some guide posts to help navigate this treacherous climb in the form of ways a couple begin their ascent together. The following are five thoughts on how to heal from infidelity:

1) Cease the affair

This may seem obvious but sometimes “obvious” is better off stated. I have heard of more than one couple who went to therapy (not with me) to work on infidelity with the understanding that the affair was over – but the reality was it was still going on. This is not helpful.

2) There is no such thing as too much apologizing

The partner who cheated must be willing to apologize as many times as needed – and as sincerely as possible. They need to continue to take responsibility for wounding their partner and the relationship.

3) Allow the wounded partner his/her feelings

There could possibly be a wide range of emotions from the hurt partner, sometimes even seeming erratic and unrelenting. Remember that they are dealing with images, thoughts, suspicious thinking, anger, hurt and other swirling thoughts and emotions.

4) Learn how to communicate effectively

Sometimes affairs can come on the heels of build-up of resentments, unexpressed needs, feelings and so on. Be clear that I’m not excusing unfaithful behavior, only highlighting that effective communication between couples can only help build and maintain a strong relationship foundation.

5) It takes time

A couple dealing with infidelity needs to understand that this is a process and can take a long time to work through. There is not formula to figure out, “how long.” It will depend on a lot of factors specific to who they are, what transpired, the length of time it occurred and so on.

After following these guidelines, nagging doubt or mistrust of the unfaithful partner might remain. The wounded partner can be vulnerable to having his/her insecurity triggered. Stay aware of maintaining behavior that is kind, loving, loyal and supportive of each other.

In other cases, there are couples that weather the storm of infidelity and come out stronger in the end. In either situation, if you both believe the relationship is worth fighting for, this is the first and most important step you’ve already taken towards the healing process.

Find Out If You’re In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Lisa Brookes Kift — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 14:21:53 +0000

Signs of Abuse

Do you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around your partner? Are you afraid a lot of the time in your relationship? Is your self esteem being slowly eroded? It’s possible you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Emotional abuse can sometimes be a tricky thing to identify for those in the situation because often the abuser employs tactics that make the other person feel like they’re going crazy. Abusive people will dominate conversations so that the other has little time to decide if the behavior is harmful.

There’s often a pervasive sense of being off balance for the person being emotionally abused. They start to question their own thinking and eventually believe that they must have it wrong and in fact, they’re the bad ones for daring to believe such a thing about the abuser! We call this “crazy-making” because that’s precisely the impact it has on the receiver.

In my own practice I’ve seen couples come in where it’s pretty obvious this is going on. I’ve seen men and women in emotionally abusive dynamics with their partners. I’ve witnessed people literally verbally “shut down” their partner – and the other one shrink away right before my eyes.

Part of the problem for people who are being emotionally abused is they often don’t realize it. Their self-confidence has been whittled down to a nub.

Could you be in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Ask yourself the following five questions – which are also signs you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1) Does your partner frequently criticize or humiliate you?

2) Does your partner isolate you from your family and friends?

3) Has your partner ever limited or controlled your access to money?

4) Do you feel trapped in your relationship?

5) Are you afraid of your partner?

The Cycle of Abuse

Another important aspect of this dynamic is what Dr. Lenore Walker originally coined as the “cycle of abuse.” Essentially, there’s usually a kind of repetitive looping that goes on that consists of four phases:

1) Tension Building: The receiver gets the sense that the abuser is upset and takes active steps to placate him/her.

2) Incident: Verbal or emotional abuse occurs – consisting of threats, humiliation, blaming, intimidation, etc.

3) Reconciliation: Abuser apologizes, minimizes the abuse, blames the receiver, denies it occurred, etc.

4) Calm: No abuse taking place, often called the “honeymoon phase.”

This cycle has the effect of eventually breaking the person down emotionally. It can happen quickly for some – and take years for others.

Final Thoughts on Emotional Abuse

There are many reasons why abusers and their victims get caught up in this damaging dance. The issues can almost always be traced back to the family of origin for both people. Abusers often had chaotic childhoods with a perception of little control – and deep down they fear abandonment. Sometimes they witnessed their parents engaged in it.

The same applies to victims – part of their life story can be around “learned helplessness” for a variety of reasons. They may have a history of being in abusive relationships – or they might have witnessed their parents caught up in the same cycle.

Regardless of how people get there – they can get out – and learn how to have healthy, loving relationships.

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, make sure to take steps to protect yourself if you have the intention to leave. Have a safety plan intact and increase your support network. If you suspect your partner has the capability to become physically violent and you fear for your safety call 911.

For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224. Additional resource for abuse: http://www.helpguide.org

10 Tips To Infidelity-Proof Your Relationship

Stephany Alexander — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 20:48:34 +0000

Infidelity can sneak up on even the most solid partnerships.

According to an infidelity poll conducted by WomanSavers.com of 6,330 women, 92% believe that emotional affairs lead to physical affairs, whereas only a mere 7% believe they do not.

With the increase in technology, cheating has become more prevalent.

However, following the below top 10 infidelity-proof tips will increase your chances of having a long-lasting, healthy, monogamous relationship.

1. Don’t Drink or Use Drugs Around the Opposite Sex

Drinking alcohol or using drugs with the opposite sex is one of the quickest ways that lead to infidelity because it lowers your inhibitions. Even having a cocktail at a business lunch can lead to more intimate conversations and inappropriate behavior.

2. Develop common interests and hobbies.
If you and your partner are always spending time apart doing the activities you enjoy separately, there is a higher chance one of you may meet someone who enjoys doing the same activities you do. Couples that “play” together, are more likely to stay together.

3. Exercise and eat right.
Don’t let yourself go physically. Exercise and eat well not only for yourself, but for your partner. If you quit trying just because you have become comfortable, your partner will resent you for being lazy and may become attracted to someone who values their self worth more.

4. Don’t plan meetings alone with the opposite sex.
Now I know it’s not possible to always have meetings in groups. However, if you know you are attracted to an acquaintance, try to plan your meetings in groups because this helps lower the intimacy factor.

5. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. If you would be uncomfortable with your partner doing something that you are doing or are considering doing, don’t do it. Respect your partner enough to always consider their feelings.

6. Travel together whenever possible.

The old saying “when the cat’s away, the mouse will play” rings very true. Don’t put yourself in situations where you are more likely to cheat such as going on solo vacations or going to a restaurant or bar alone.

If you are traveling for business and your partner is unable to join you, phone them daily to stay in touch.

7. Don’t Mix Business and Pleasure.

The office is meant for business, not gossip or intimate details. Don’t flirt, touch or wear revealing clothing to your workplace. Keep it professional.

8. Stay sexually creative.

It takes effort to keep the fire lit in the bedroom after you’ve been together for a while. Be adventurous and think outside the box. As long as you are both comfortable with it, there’s no harm done. Couples who have a happy sex life are much less likely to cheat.

9. Don’t share too many personal details with the opposite sex.

Intimate details should be for your partner. Many times emotional infidelity leads to physical infidelity. If a conversation is becoming too intimate for you, simply redirect the conversation to include your partner or politely direct the person towards professional help.

10. Put positive effort into your relationship daily.

It doesn’t matter if you give your partner an extra hug or put the dishes away, the fact that you are doing something small to show you care on a regular basis can make all the difference and may prevent your partner from seeking attention elsewhere.

If you are considering cheating, respect your partner enough to end the relationship for the sake of their emotional and sexual health. Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.

Would You Date Someone Who’s Been Married Multiple Times? Here’s Why You Should…

Lisa Quirke — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 14:19:48 +0000

It finally happened. You met someone you really like. There seems to be a connection, you have a great timetogether, and you think that maybe it’s time to take the relationship to the next level.

And then it happens. She tells you she’s been married four times. Yes, four.

So, what do you do?

Run for hills? Head to the little boy’s room never to return? Make your excuses and then “lose” her phone number?

Or do you grow up and little bit and give her the benefit of the doubt?

The cold, hard truth

The truth is she’s not a serial rapist or a serial killer or even necessarily a serial bride. She’s a woman who made some choices that didn’t quite pan out. Granted they may have been bad ones. I’ll give you that and thenask you this. So what?

There are actually a couple of things to think about here. First of all, haven’t you been in relationships that didn’t work out? How many? Uh huh, that’s what I thought. The only difference is she married them; you didn’t. Maybe she’ll judge you and consider you someone who has commitment issues based on that. Hmmm.

Relationships, and marriages, fail for many reasons. There may have been an abuse issue, an alcohol or drug issue, a control issue, or maybe even a death. Sadly, in today’s world these things happen way too often.

And remember, it takes more courage and heart to leave an abusive or alcoholic relationship than to stay in one.

Secondly, are you the same person you were 20 years ago? 10? Even 5? Do you make decisions the same way now as you did in the past? Have your values and maturity levels changed?

As we grow and mature, we gain experiences, both good and bad, that shape us into the people we are today. We make mistakes, we learn from them, and we move on tomake more decisions.

Think of it this way. When you’re dating in your 30s and 40s, you’ve been through some crap. Unless you’ve been locked in a closet for 30 or 40 years, you’ve done some things and made some choices that were less than stellar.

Do you want to be judged on the basis of just those choices?…

Slow learners

The thing is that some of us are just slow learners. It sometimes takes more than one bad decision for us to learn the lesson.

Life, however, making sure we eventually get it, has a way of giving us the same ones over and over until we finally do learn it.

And so we fall for the same wrong kind of guy again and again. At some point though that proverbial light bulb comes on and we finally get it. It’s at that point that growth occurs. Thatwe figure out not only where we’ve been going wrong, but why.

Very probably we begin to look back over our lives and make some realizations.Maybe growing up we didn’t feel loved and valued by our parents. Maybe we made one huge whopper of a mistake that made us come to the conclusion that we weren’t deserving or worthy of love.

Now, all those failed marriages begin to make sense. We figure out what it was we were looking for in those bad relationships and we realize that we have to find that within ourselves.

Why she’s not a bad risk

Guys, this makes someone a good risk, not a bad one. What you have stumbled onto here is a woman who knows herself inside and out. She knows what she wants in a relationship and, more importantly, what she doesn’t. She is now capable of creating a loving, nurturing, caring relationship.

She comes from a place other women have never been and she has learned things other women never will.

The thing is this. Those things, those decisions made her the person she is today. I know that the person I am would not exist otherwise.

And the person I am today is one helluva catch. The lucky man who discovers and accepts who I am on every level, is in for a lifetime of love like he never imagined.

Chances are she’s one helluva catch too. Are you willing to let her get awaybecause of your preconceived notions of who she ought to be?

Are You Undateable?

Lisa Quirke — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 14:13:53 +0000

Recently I met a man online. We exchanged a few emails and I began to think that maybe, just maybe, he had dating potential.

A few emails later, he disclosed that he is currently living with his ex. Not because they are involved, but because he can’t afford to live on his own.

And besides, this way he gets to be with his son, but it does make it hard to date.

Trying hard not to judge, I agreed to a meeting which he canceled due to a work obligation. Okay, no problem. We’ll just do it another time.

Then he invited me to a movie matinee. Hmm….could be fun. The next email said he’d have to let me know. He needed to check his finances. And, big surprise, he canceled.

The next thing he suggested was that I come to meet him. At his home. With his 2-year-old son present. His ex wouldn’t be there, but he was really unable to afford the gas to come to me.

Really? By this time, I was completely turned off.

So, step by step what’s the problem here?

It’s not about money

Before you call me shallow, let me just say this is not at all about how much money the man makes or what kind of car he drives. I’m not a gold digger and I’m not looking for someone to support me. I can do that all by myself thank you very much.

But really if he can’t even afford the gas to drive 30 miles to meet me, there’s more wrong here than just his income.

In one email conversation he went on and on about how he needed to go back to college to finish his education and make some money. Yet, he still hasn’t done so and seems to only want to give the idea lip service.

Can you say lack of motivation? Lack of goals? How is that attractive?

Ummm…he lives with the ex?

How in the world is a man who lives with his ex in a position to become involved with someone else? She gave him a place to stay when he needed one and he gets to be with his son. Well, isn’t that just fabulous? I’d say girlfriend isn’t stupid.

She gets someone to help with the bills and a built in babysitter. She did him a favor? I think not.

I get that it’s important for him to be with his son. In fact, he gets points for that. However, this is really not the place for a man who professes to want to find a long term partner to be in. I mean seriously, what woman wants to date a man who can’t even take her back to his place for a romantic evening? Not this one.

And then there are the children

I don’t know about you but a man who suggests a first meet with his 2-year-old son present, worries me just a bit. Oh and did I mention that he planned to bring his 8-year-old daughter to the matinee date?

Most single parents understand that introducing the children right away is not a good plan. Children of single and divorced parents are often vulnerable. Introducing them to someone you don’t know or who may or may not become a part of their lives is just irresponsible. Not to mention, it’s just bad parenting.

Bottom line

Be in a position to date. Period. The dating pool is full of deadbeats and losers. If you’re going to get the girl, you need to be attractive to the girl.

Have something to offer. Be the guy that every girl wants to be with. Get your priorities in line and learn what attracts women. Then be that!

How to get there from here

Go to school. Yes, college is expensive. Motivation and drive, on the other hand, are girl magnets. I want a guy who knows what he wants in life and knows how to get it. Get a student loan, get a grant, get a move on dude!

Ditch the ex. So you’re working your butt off and now you’re back in college, good for you. Money is tight, apartments are expensive. Uh huh. So what? Get a roommate or rent a studio apartment. To get the girl, you need your own space.

Your night with the kids? Fabulous. Women love men who love their children. So wait for another night for your date. Find someone who wants to trade babysitting. Doesn’t cost you a dime that way. Putting your children’s needs first attracts women like crazy.

And seriously

Dating is hard enough. As the old saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of toads to find your prince. Don’t make it more difficult by being the guy no girl in her right mind would go out with.

6 Tips For Handling Rejection

Click by Lavalife, Sarah Fielding — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 14:08:56 +0000

If You’ve Ever Been Rejected, This is the Article for You!

You’ve had a date or two with someone you thought was interested in you, then they drop the bombshell that they don’t feel a connection. Ouch!

You wish you could control the overwhelming feelings of anger, embarrassment, anxiety and/or hopelessness but you can’t.

Rejection is a fact of life. It’s how you handle it that makes all the difference.

Here are some strategies that may help you cope with life’s — and love’s — inevitable knock-backs.

Don’t Take it Personally

In many cases, the so-called rejection may have nothing to do with you at all.

For instance, someone may reject your advances because you remind them of someone from their past (not your fault), they are having a career crisis (not your fault) or are dealing with some other pressing personal issue that they elect not to explain (again, not your fault).

"I really liked this guy and we dated a couple of times before he told me he didn’t have time for me. I felt awful," says Jess. "I ran into him a year later and he told me that his father had been sick with cancer — he later died — and all this was happening when we had first met," she says. "I had thought he just wasn’t interested in me but the truth was that it had nothing to do with me."

Silence your Inner Child

The Inner Child often overreacts and feels the whole world has turned thumbs down and that true love will never come (insert high-pitched wail here). Our adult selves know this is simply not true yet the words of our Inner Child ring in our ears.

Recover from rejection by silencing your Inner Child and reminding yourself that ‘never’ is not a realistic concept. To get yourself back on track, try making a list of all the people in your life who do love you and let the sting of rejection melt away.

Don’t Let it Rattle You

Don’t let a negative response shake your confidence. "If I didn’t get a second date with a guy, I’d spend literally days running through out first meeting wondering what I did to put him off," says Sue.

"One day I had a revelation: You can’t be everyone’s idea of a perfect match, so it’s only natural that you will have first dates that don’t eventuate into second ones. And that’s fine. If we all met the man of our dreams the first time, there would be no single people and there are lots of single people out there…"

Think of It as a Favor

If your first or second date didn’t turn into something more, in some ways you should be thankful. It may be uncomfortable to hear, but getting a firm, clear-eyed grasp on incompatibility early rather than later is a huge time-saving plus. The early brush-off allows you to chalk it up to experience and move on.

Turn It into a Positive

Sounds cheesy but you can make rejection work as a motivator for self-improvement. "Knock-backs aren’t fun, that’s for sure," says Phil, "But if I get a ‘no’ from someone I was interested in,

I always use the opportunity to work on myself — do a course, work out more at the gym, go on a health kick, that sort of thing. I figure if I am the best I can be that I will find the best person for me. And if it takes a few ‘nos’ to get there, so be it."

Don’t Dwell on It

Sometimes the fact that we have been rejected is so painful and all-consuming that it becomes the only thing we talk about. Friends hear how badly we’ve been treated or listen patiently to our complaints that we will never find true love.

Other singles rally around us offering rejection anecdotes, all of which seem to confirm our worst fears — that there are no decent men/women left and we will never find Mr/Ms Right.

Get a grip. Turn this apparent catastrophe into a chance to make a change. Get back online, update that profile and optimistically look toward the future.

Brought to you by Click By Lavalife.

To learn more about Dating and Personals check out our Singles & Dating Channel for tons of great articles and videos.

Click here to meet sexy singles near you at our recommended online dating & personals website.

Could Loneliness Be The Dawn of Real Happiness And Romance?

Urban Monk — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 15:17:42 +0000

Loneliness is one of the deepest sorrows – at its peak it feels like a quiet desperation, a yearning to melt completely with another, a slow suffocation that we can’t escape no matter what. And it was shocking to see how common it is. The media has begun to describe the spread of loneliness as an epidemic!

How can we escape it, what can we do? The most common response is a search for a companion, for a lover.

“If only I had someone,” we think, “everything will be all right.” Failing in this search, many begin to turn to alcohol, depression, or self-destructive behaviors.

But the search is flawed, self-defeating right from the start. Whatever we do might seem to work for a while, but we are running away from loneliness – and the more we run, the stronger it gets.

Relationships Rooted in Loneliness

Romance that stems from loneliness is fake, a rose made of plastic; all it does is cover up our yearning. This is how many relationships are – two lonely people who are mutually clinging and grasping on to each other. Regardless of what they say or do, each person is really thinking: please take care of my heart.

How do we take care of other hearts when we can’t even nourish our own?

In such relationships, the neediness is still there. Once the honeymoon period is over, the neediness and unhappiness begins to arise again. For no one – no matter how beautiful, handsome, sweet, attentive, and dashing – can fulfill your needs exactly the way you want them to. There’s always something else that will appear – something they haven’t done that you want them to, or they’ve done something you wish they hadn’t.

When that happens, the yearning arises again. In fact, it has always been there, just beneath the surface. But you think it is your partner’s fault, and you begin to blame them – “You were supposed to make me happy!” But how can they? No one can make you happy but you. All they can do is cover the yearning temporarily.

The Repugnance of Desperation

Being in the depths of loneliness makes it harder to find a partner. This neediness can only be hidden for so long, if one manages to hide it at all.

It is common knowledge that desperation is one of the most unattractive traits out there. The more you run after them, try to hang on to them, the more a quality partner will retreat. They have options, people who make them happy instead of wanting to rely on them – why stay with you?

Relax into your Loneliness

Trying to fill this yearning with a companion is the logical response; but it is a bottomless pit. Loneliness cannot be satisfied in such a manner.

It is a strange thing to say, but when you are lonely, the first step is not to run out and find someone. The first step is to stop running away from our aloneness.

I’ve heard a beautiful quote once: Aloneness is our nature. Loneliness is us running away from it.

What does that mean? You are alone; so just be alone. Loneliness – the despair – only comes when we begin to run away from it, when we tell ourselves our lives shouldn’t be this way.

The most important step is inner acceptance. Relax into your loneliness. Simple sit down and feel it, explore how it feels. Don’t think about it, just feel it through your body. Welcome it, let it be there without tensing up your body or feeding it with your thoughts, and you’ll find the sadness slowly begins to melt away.

Next, learn how to nourish your own heart. Make yourself happy. Think loving thoughts towards yourself. Play with love as energy; send it rolling up and down your body, letting it build. One day your heart will overflow with love. Only then can you be able to love – how can you give what you don’t have?

Delight in your aloneness

Celebrate your aloneness. Fill your free time with play and song. Let it be a genuine joy, one that comes from having melted away the sadness. For this is the strangest thing – when you no longer care about love, you are the most likely to find it.

Why? No longer are you needy; no longer are you desperate and lonely. You are happy, and people will begin to take notice. “What does he have, what is she doing to be so happy?” they will ask. And they will want some of that joy, and they will begin to come closer.

And when you are in a relationship, no longer will there be grasping or clinging. You are no longer looking for the other person to come along and make everything right. Only then can there be true romance. Only then can you love for the sake of loving, give for the sake of giving.

First learn to delight in being alone, to stop running away from your loneliness. Once you have learned to delight in yourself – that is when you can delight in the other. Only then can romance really start.

Having Trouble Choosing Between Two Men? You Have to Read This!

Leland Beaumont — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 17:37:53 +0000

The question appears here as it was submitted by one of our readers, however the names have been changed to preserve anonymity.

Wendy Asks:

I have a friend (David) whom I’ve known for 2 years but our paths only crossed occasionally. We have always had a “connection” but never pursued the relationship because I was dating Craig.

David and I ran into each other again the first of the year and have been dating pretty heavily since then. Our feelings were strongly developing.

I had been trying to end the relationship with Craig since Christmas but felt I needed to be sensitive because he is very dependent. I told Craig I had been seeing David. He initially tuned it out because he was convinced we would work things out.

I catered to the pleadings to the point where I missed two engagements with David because I felt Craig was unstable. When I finally put my foot down and told him to “let it go” he started crying, claimed his chest hurt, etc. In the midst he asked if I would just have sex with him one last time and I reluctantly consented.

He then called David and told him I would always be his and he could prove it because I’d consented to having sex with him. When David asked me if it was true, I was honest.

I have truly developed feelings for David who is currently very devastated. He’s now taking time to see if he can open up to me again. We never talked about monogamy, he knew I was trying to end things with Craig, and he has a female friend himself.

I don’t want to lose what we’ve taken so long to develop and I don’t know what (if anything) I can do.

Please advise.

–Wendy

Answering Wendy:

Wendy, meaningful relationships are based on honesty, mutual respect, and clear agreements about monogamy. What were you thinking? Perhaps after thoughtful introspection and a sincere apology to David you can move forward with him.

Although the role of monogamy in human relationships is somewhat ambiguous, the sharp pain of jealousy is unmistakable. At its core jealousy is based on a threat to sexual access. Playing with jealousy is playing with fire.

You taunted jealousy and suffered the predictable result.

Strong and lasting relationships require total honesty with your partner. Agree first with yourself, then with your partner to always be flawless with your word. Make and keep promises to yourself and each other, especially when the relationship is at stake. You have not yet done this. If you can make an authentic agreement on total honesty with David, then there is hope for the relationship. However, if past events have irreparably betrayed your trust, then you have to move on beyond both Craig and David. Until you can be honest with yourself and your partners, your relationships will not strengthen and last.

Do You Know Why?

Part of being honest with yourself is recognizing your own ambivalence. You had not yet firmly decided if you want to be with Craig, David or both. While ambivalence is inevitable, it is safer and more responsible to resolve it through dialogue rather than through sexual activity.

Do not tempt jealousy and manipulate friends while you are making up your mind. Find a trusted confidant and friend to discuss your feelings, hopes, choices, and doubts with. If it is better to stay outside of a relationship while you sort out what it is you want to do, then have the resolve to do this.

Act consistently with your decision to break it off with Craig. You have already said that your future is not with him. Agreeing to have breakup sex with Craig was a bad decision, but it is in the past and cannot be changed. Place Craig completely in the past. Perhaps then David can eventually forgive you after your full and sincere apology.

Figure Out What it is You Want

Resolve your ambivalence. If you reflect on what you truly want, you may decide to work toward a meaningful relationship with David. In that case the next step is to make a full and sincere apology to him. The apology has to emphasize your forbearance—assurances you have learned profound lessons and will never repeat these mistakes. It might go something like this, but it has to be said in your own true words:

The Dialogue

David, I have hurt you badly by lingering with Craig, and especially by having sex with him while you were working to strengthen our relationship. It was a bad mistake, it is my mistake, it is inexcusable, and I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused you. Craig seemed so hurt by our breakup that I took pity on him. It was a stupid mistake; I should have been more resolute. I have hurt you and may have ruined any chance we had for a meaningful relationship.

I have thought long and hard about this. I know I have learned my lesson. I assure you that as long as we are seeing each other I will be honest with you, and true to you. I was honest with you when you asked what happened between me and Craig. This is a small start. I can see the pain I have caused you and it will not happen again. What can I do to make this up to you? I am deeply sorry.

Will He Forgive Me?

David may eventually decide to forgive you, but he may not. If distrust lingers in your relationship, it can never become meaningful. If distrust intervenes, you will eventually have to break up and find someone who you can be honest with and fully trust.

Why Do Happy Couples Suddenly Fall Out Of Love?

Eddie Corbano — Sun, 03 Feb 2008 14:39:01 +0000

It seems to be a complete mystery. Something we cannot understand. And yet it happens every day all around us: People who used to love each other madly suddenly fall out of love, just like that.

What are the reasons?

Sarah’s Story:

Sarah and her boyfriend had been the perfect couple. It was as if they had waited for each other their whole lives. They had the same hobbies, the liked the same things, they considered each other to be soulmates.

This went on happily for two years – the perfect relationship, until her boyfriend suddenly started to pull back, to act strange and get distant. Eventually he broke up with her, and when she asked for the reason he simply replied that he didn’t love her any more.

Sound familiar? Has this also happened to you or someone around you?

A disappointment.

Isn’t true love meant to be forever?

Well, I cannot give you an answer to this one, but I can give you the advice that you need to examine your perception of “true love”. I can tell you: All that glistens is not gold.

A high expectation of true love, and an exaggerated romantic view of the ideal concept of love can disturb the view to having a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

A realistic view is vital.

What is the Main Reason that People Fall out of Love?

Of course, there are numerous reasons why people break up, but they are not always the same ones as why people fall “out of love”.

The term “to fall out of love” implies that they’ve been in love before and all of a sudden the love is gone.

This is of course an illusion. Nobody loses their love overnight.

In my experience there are 3 main reasons why people don’t love anymore, and therefore break up with their partners.

1. Their expectations weren’t met

If you meet a person and you are really attracted, you tend to idealize things. You fall in love with that person, because everything is so new, so fresh. The sex is great, you’re having a great time discovering all the positive attributes of your partner. All your needs and expectations are being addressed, and when they’re not, you simply put your rose-colored glasses on.

The problem here is that your view of your partner is not always a realistic one. Everyone gives their best, tries to show a better self and to hide possible flaws.

We accommodate and compromise much easier at the beginning.

The problem here is that they met each other’s expectations at the beginning, but later on in the relationship, when the fire has cooled off a little, they tend to pull off their masks and show their real selves.

Now they are acting how they really are. No more compromising, no more accommodation, no more meeting the partners needs.

And here is where it can lead to conflicts because someone will not have their needs fulfilled, and will feel betrayed in a way.

This is usually the moment when the person “falls out of love”.

2. Was it really Love?

Another problem is that people very often cannot say if they’re in love or not. They confuse sexual fulfillment with love.

This happens very often to young people, or people who have been in a long term relationship or marriage for a long time. They confuse the initial fulfillment of a need which has not been met for a long time with love.

Once this urge has been satisfied, (this doesn’t always have to be a sexual need), they suddenly lose interest and “fall out of love“.

Of course, it wasn’t love in the first place, that’s why the whole thing appears out of the blue.

3. Mistreatment

Unfortunately it happens frequently, especially with men, that they start sweet and kind and later on they become loud and abusive.

Violence is of course the most extreme case, very often the partners suddenly change their behavior in ways that cannot be tolerated any more by the other one. Good examples are drug and alcohol abuse.

The partner finds that they are very disappointed and loses their love for the person, because their basic needs aren’t provided any more. The relationship isn’t fulfilling and healthy.

Knowing Why is Helpful

The knowledge of the 3 reasons why people can fall out of love can be helpful to us. They can teach us how to behave correctly at the beginning of a relationship.

We have to have realistic expectations about love and relationships, and most of all we have to be who we really are right from the beginning.

Make clear what your needs are despite the risk that your new partner might not love it.

Pretending and cutting back your basic needs will only draw a false picture of you, a picture which will fade with time and possibly make your partner eventually fall out of love with you.

Would you take that risk? I won’t.

Your friend,

Eddie

Why Won’t He Break Up With Me Already?!

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 17:02:03 +0000

Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy.

Then suddenly one day, Girl meets a different boy. Oops.

Girl is shocked, confused (well, not THAT confused), and too afraid to tell the first boy about the new boy…

So what’s a girl to do?

This is a classic story that repeats itself over and over.

Yet this story rarely has a happy ending…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My boyfriend and I have been dating a few years now.

Now I met this other guy whom I really like. He has a girlfriend though he likes me more. I am flirtier with him. He makes me laugh and he is really cute. My parents and friends like him too. While hanging out we ended kissing.

I’ve been pushing my boyfriend away for awhile and he knows it and he don’t care. I am not happy when I am with him. I don’t want to kiss him, hug him or anything. He won’t break up with me, he is too “in love” with me. What should I do?

– Lost, Illinois

Why Won’t He Break Up With Me Already?!

Hanging On Too Long Is A Mistake

The real trouble comes when you continue to lead the first boy along and hide your feelings for the new boy. So now you’re deceiving both boys. At some point the truth will come out…

One of the biggest issues in our society today is that people tend to hang onto relationships much longer than they should. No one is happy, but no one has the courage to walk away either. If the relationship isn’t working, then it’s time to walk away.

But before you make this huge decision, think about why the first relationship is not working.

Ask yourself questions like:

Are you bored?

Have you both gotten lazy?

Are your underlying beliefs completely different?

Are your lives going in very different directions?

Really think about why you want to break up. Make sure you’re breaking up for the right reasons. Otherwise, you will find yourself in the same situation with your next boyfriend, and the next.

Life has a way of handing us the same challenge, or test, over and over again until we get it right.

Honesty Is Critical For A Happy Relationship

We believe that honesty is the single most important thing in a relationship. If you can’t be honest with each other then why bother? It may be hard…

It may be hard to be honest with someone about your feelings, especially when you’re talking about breaking up. But it is really cruel to lead someone on when your feelings for them have changed.

So stop hanging around and waiting for the other person to break up with you. You owe it to boy Number One, boy Number Two, and to yourself to come clean about your feelings.

Get some courage, grow some balls (or what ever you want to call it), and either breakup or make the commitment to stay.

Only you know when it’s time to leave your relationship. No one else can make that decision for you.

If you do decide to break up with your current boyfriend, be honest and direct. Say, “Look, I don’t want to be together any more.”

He will most likely want to know why and he will deserve an answer.

Whatever your reason for breaking up may be, you need to be honest with your current boyfriend. One word of advice however… Make the breakup about your feelings.

Don’t make boy Number One your excuse to break up with boy Number Two. Don’t make boy Number Two your excuse to break up with boy Number One either. In fact, don’t make the break up about him or anyone else at all.

Keep it about your feelings, your wants, and your needs.

Otherwise you’ll cause him much more pain than necessary.

How To Celebrate Your New Beginning With A Divorce Party

Click by Lavalife, Kelly Jones — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 14:17:37 +0000

It’s sad when people fall out of love. But dissolving an unhealthy, unhappy marriage is a good thing, and it takes a lot of courage to stand up and say, “We deserve better.”

Divorce parties not only let us close the door on that misery, these rites of passage provide the ritual we need to help us heal. They offer us a way to celebrate a new independence, to thank those who have stood by us through the muck, and to announce to the world that we are ready to move on in life. Finally, it’s official.

Save the Date

It’s tempting to set a date for your party as soon as divorce proceedings get under way. But muster up all your patience and wait until things are just short of being finalized. Like any social gathering, your party will require some preparation ahead of time, and you don’t want to be thinking about guest lists and napkin rings in the throes of legal negotiations. You’ll be in much better spirits if you show up at your divorce party with decree in hand.

The Guesting Game

Divorce party guest lists come in all shapes and sizes, and the only factor that determines who you invite is personal comfort level. Would you feel better surrounded by guests of the same sex, or does a co-ed event feel more like a celebration? Do you want to just hang with other divorcees? Does it feel right to bring together only the people who have stood by you through this many-monthed mammoth of a nightmare or are you hoping for something more inclusive that brings even your coworkers and neighbors into the fold? Are you on really (really, really) good terms with your ex and feel that they should be there? The only right answers to these questions can come from you, so put some thought into it and — if it helps — start with a long list and whittle it down.

Deck the Halls

The intensely organized go so far as to print up invitations, arrange a gift registry (ideal for those who lost it all in settlement) and announcements for their party. Some get a kick out of decorating the party space (rented-out restaurant, bar, friend’s house, etc.) with streamers, obscenely decorated cakes, voodoo dolls, piñatas, balloons and bowls of snack food.

Get some ideas from Christine Gallagher, a writer from L.A., who published a book in 2003 called The Divorce Party Planner: How to Throw a Divorce or Breakup Party and has sold thousands on her website, RevengeLady.com. One word to the wise: decorations, catered food and other props can ring up a hefty tally, so be realistic in what you can afford with your new single-income earning status and stay within that budget.

Pieces of the Action

Besides the usual telling of (hopefully by now) funny stories and making plans for the future, the activities at your divorce party can be as uneventful or as coordinated as you like. I’ve read of some recently divorced who have hired officiants or asked a close friend to perform a short, meaningful sermon about healing and the joy of change, and about a woman who asked her mother to lead a renaming ceremony in which she symbolically gave her daughter back her maiden name.

Others still have projected First Wives Club or War of Roses in one area of the gathering and had a ceremonial burning of the marriage license in another area. Don’t feel pressured to include any of these aspects if they don’t feel right to you. A low-key gathering of a few close friends can be just as momentous as one that takes months to organize. The details of your party should reflect your mood and own personal style.

And Just Don’t…

Even if your divorce party is lush with hot and horny singles, it’s probably best not to fool around with one of them at or just after the gathering. After all, this is an event intended to celebrate your newly reclaimed independence, and bringing a sexual interest into the picture now complicates your newfound simplicity of lifestyle.

Other experiences to avoid at your fete include getting totally trashed (you don’t want to want to get all weepy or confrontational), destroying any tangible memories of your marriage’s happy times (your wedding album and keepsakes from your courting days might mean the world to your kids), and making plans to do anything of importance the next day.

And remember that this event is not about hurting the person you’ve fallen out of love with through badmouthing or trash talking. This is an occasion to commemorate your personal path of healing and newfound independence.

Thinking About Breaking Up Or Getting A Divorce? Try This First…

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 18:07:53 +0000

Your marriage, or relationship, may look perfect from the outside, but what happens when it’s not so perfect on the inside.

You’ll almost certainly know that feeling, that inner cry for help, when you need someone to talk to about your marriage, or just a tough relationship problem… but you’re not sure who to turn to…

It can be really awkward talking about it with your friends and family.

After all, word travels fast, and you don’t really need everyone in your circle of friends and family to know you’re not ‘getting any’, or that you and your wife are fighting constantly and are on the verge of breaking up. On top of that, these people are biased – they have a stake in the game so to speak. They may feel that they need to take sides, or may even have their own reasons for keeping you together – or for helping you to break up! They are too close to the action to give you objective advice.

So what can you do? Is there a better option?

Why not see how someone else in the very same situation is dealing with the issue… and better yet, why not see what a bunch of objective third parties have to say about it. People who don’t have personal biases toward your situation, because they don’t even know you or your wife… They’re just offering up ideas and suggestions for remedying the problem and coming to a happy resolution.

I’m sure you see how that can be helpful.

A great open discussion forum site for marriage and relationship problems is the "Talk About Marriage" forums.

You can find help with pretty much any relationship problem, from coping with infidelity, dealing with anxiety or addiction related issues, and even going through a divorce or separation.

These forums are a surprisingly supportive community and an open, accepting atmosphere.

They actually have some pretty tough posting rules to make sure everyone actually stays positive and helpful. Their number 1 rule is to treat everyone with dignity and respect; anything less will get your account banned. As ground rules go, that’s definitely good place to start. The last thing you want is some guy being a real jerk when you’re sharing your deep personal relationship problems.

Some of the members even use the forums as a virtual journal, as in this thread started by a man trying to save his marriage. And here’s another in depth discussion about a man seeking help because his wife is waning to leave him. Notice the nuances of his cry for help, but also the helpful tips and advice from the forum community.

One thing we always like to see is motivated people helping others. As a perfect example, these forums were started by Chris Hartwell, who also runs the Family & Marriage Counseling Directory, a nationwide directory for finding therapists and counselors in your area. His intention was for people to have an open, welcoming forum where they could discuss their marriage or relationship problems in a friendly environment, while also staying completely anonymous if they choose.

So check out the Marriage and Relationship forums and see what you think.

More likely than not, someone’s already had a similar issue to the one you’re having, and you can gain some insights into how they handled it. Either way, look around… And if you feel comfortable, consider making an anonymous account and asking the "Talk About Marriage" community what they would do in your situation.

What Are You Really Fighting About? It May Not Be What You Think…

Melody Brooke — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 16:02:25 +0000

Jeanie was so upset with her husband.

He had always been difficult to feel physically connected to.

He had always had a subtle pulling back when she would reach out to touch him, but it had gotten worse in the past few months.

She brought him into therapy fearing that they were on the brink of a divorce, if not an affair.

Why Is He Always Pulling Away?

Jeanie’s husband, Frank, was a sweet, mild mannered man with some anger issues that had been a problem in a previous marriage and were still somewhat of an issue with Jeanie.

The bigger problem was that she felt him pulling away from her touch, and she was certain this meant he didn’t love her any more. After a few sessions, it became clear what the problem really was about.

Frank was terrified of losing her to death.

He had witnessed his mother’s death at the age of four; she died mid-sentence while she was talking on the telephone on her bed in front of him. Then, at 15 he held a girl in his arms as she died from a drug overdose.

When he tapped into this in session the fear and pain he felt was palpable.

Recently he had lost his father to a lingering cancer that left his father comatose for months. The little boy inside of Frank felt that if he just didn’t allow himself close, then death could be avoided. Thus, he found himself pulling further and further away from Jeanie. The pain and shock of his early losses still dictated his emotional and intimate life.

Frank is not any different than the rest of us.

Our Behavior Is Rarely As “Rational” As We’d Like To Believe

We behave in unconscious ways that dictate how we interact with each other, what we feel and what upsets us. We go about our lives as if it were a logical, rational process and the choices and actions we take made some kind of sense.

That’s where “rationalization” comes in to play. Frank had convinced himself that Jeanie’s return to smoking cigarettes had caused him to withdraw from her. But actually, her smoking had started in response to his pulling away.

But that’s how our brains work to trick us into thinking that what we do makes sense.

Emotions make no obvious, logical sense. Emotions are always laden with the memories of times when we felt similar things at some time in the past and are linked together through a complex network of memories that links them to the earliest memories we have.

When Frank connected to his sense of pain about his father’s death it took him directly to the death of his mother, which he had experienced so traumatically, at four. And, the time of his father’s death, he went back into the emotional state of the four year old. He was no longer the 30 something man that seemed to be sitting before me, he was emotionally and mentally four.

This is what happens all the time in our conflicts with our partners.

Arguments Are Always About Something Deeper

We get angry with them for something they did or didn’t do and we think it’s all about what they did or didn’t do.

As irrational as it seems, our upset it NEVER about what they did or didn’t do! Now, it certainly triggered our upset, but our upset it not really about that.

Let me give you an example.

Sara and her husband Tom have been married for about eight years.

They have struggled with understanding each other from the beginning. Tom came from a very chaotic neglectful and physically abusive childhood, and Sara from a set of very over controlling parents who never considered her needs or wishes.

One afternoon Sara was toasting the meringue topping of a pie in the oven. As she was doing so she was taking care of something in the other room when she forgot about the meringue until she could smell it starting to brown, perhaps too much.

Sara then ran into the kitchen yelling her fear of burning it. Tom jumped up and ran to her aide. She tried to pull out the shelf without an oven mitt. Tom handed her one. She of course needed two to pull the pie out of the oven.

She yelled, “What am I supposed to do with that? I need two to get it out!” and promptly went over to get another one.

Tom became angry and yelled back at her, “I was only trying to help!”

To which she replied, “How can I possibly get it out with only one hand?”

The fight ensued and both felt justified in their position.

Later, Sara was able to say that she could see from the look on his face that he was in a time warp that put him back in the presence of his abusive father who was constantly telling him to do things that he had no idea how to do when he was under five years old.

Tearfully, Tom was able to verbalize that reality to her later, as they talked about it on the couch when they had both calmed down.

Empathy Is The Key To Understanding

In both the cases of Sara and Tom and Jeanie and Frank, their conflict and hurt feelings had nothing to do with what it looked like was going on.

On the surface, the logical rational side of things, there is no way to see the pain and upset that was hiding beneath the surface. Without taking the time to truly listen with empathy to what is happening inside the other person, neither Sara nor Jeanie would have had a clue as to what was really going on with their partner.

To get to the place of being able to provide that kind of listening for each other takes work and an ability to step out of our own skin long enough to see things from the others’ prospective. That is not always easy, often it’s downright scary.

But it’s always worth it.

Is It Wrong To Stay With Your Cheating Boyfriend?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 14:59:27 +0000

Should you dump your cheating boyfriend?

Hmmm… The answer to that one is not as easy as it sounds.

Should you listen to your friends and family?

Well, that depends on your friends and family. While it’s really easy to sit on the sidelines and say, “Yeah, dump him!”, it’s oftentimes not so easy when you’re the one doing the dumping.

People cheat for all kinds of reasons and it’s really important to understand those reasons before making a rash decision that you may regret for the rest of your life.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Well my ex and I were dating for a while but then he cheated on me. I still like him a lot and he likes me but I cannot trust him.

My family thinks I should not date him because he cheated on me. What should I do?

–Dylan, Florida

Should You Dump Your Cheating Boyfriend?

So, your boyfriend has cheated on you. Does that mean you should leave him and stop dating him all together?

This is one of those questions that doesn’t really have a simple yes or no answer.

Our definition of cheating is a “breaking of trust” between two people. Cheating is often a symptom of deeper relationship problems, not the cause of them.

People cheat for many different reasons, but the most common reason is that they are trying to fill an emotional void of some sort. They normally feel that they’re not getting something from their current relationship.

To help your relationship move forward, it’s important to understand why that person cheated.

So we immediately have several questions that you should answer before you consider leaving him.

Questions To Ask Yourself Before Making A Decision

Why did he cheat?

Was it a one night stand or an ongoing relationship?

Was he feeling lonely or neglected?

Did he succumb to temptation?

What was the state of your relationship before he cheated?

What is the state of your relationship now that he has cheated?

Are you able to talk about the circumstances that led up to him cheating?

Is he honest with you about his feelings?

Did he tell you that he cheated to come clean, or did he get busted? (You know, did he come up and say, “Hey I have really screwed up and I’m sorry”?)

Should We Break Up Or Not?

As you can see, the answer to whether you should or should not break up is not as black and white as many people make it out to be. There’s a lot of gray area that you and your partner need to talk about between the two of you.

As a couple, it’s critical to be able to talk openly and honestly about your feelings. That may be difficult to do when you’re hurt, but try to put aside your anger and resentment and truly listen to what he has to say.

If you’re not able to do it on your own, and this relationship is truly important to you, then I recommend seeking a professional counselor. The reason for this is that he or she can serve as a mediator in identifying the issues that are going on between you, and in many cases prevent an all out brawl.

A counselor can serve as an objective third party to help you come to a mutual decision about staying together or breaking up, rather than making a decision out of anger and other negative emotions.

Dating Is Not Marriage

It’s one thing to date someone casually and a completely different thing to consider marrying someone. It’s entirely possible to have a casual relationship and be able to accept the fact that they may or may not cheat on you again.

If he did it once, he’s very likely to do it again unless the two if you are able to work through the issues that caused him to cheat in the first place.

While casual dating is not the same thing as marriage, honesty is critical for any successful long-term relationship. If you are even considering getting married to this person, then it’s even more important to work through these issues now.

I would never recommend marrying a person that you do not trust 100%.

How Sex Is Different After Divorce

Jason Likert — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 14:15:10 +0000

Just kidding! It’s not…

Sex, in all of its intimate glory, is the same wonderful act you experienced in your marriage.

Unfortunately, for many men this may not necessarily be the case, because as a woman’s emotional attachment to her mate decreases, so does her physical attraction.

As one of the multitude of divorced men, you may have been in a loveless, sexless marriage with your spouse. Now that you’re unattached and "back on the market" per se, you could be gunning for more physical intimacy than you experienced in your last relationship.

This isn’t necessarily negative; sex is a natural act and the fact that you desire it means your heart is pumping in your chest.

What Is Different About Sex After a Divorce?

Nothing at the surface level. But dig deeper and there may be emotional issues you are battling in regards to your rediscovered physical freedom.

If you are one of those men who was in a low sex relationship with your spouse you may have learned to repress your natural urges and instincts. Now that you are single, you no longer have anything holding you back from pursuing the physical relationship that you desire.

Sex in marriage can often be a liberating experience that each partner shares.

Physical attraction is the glue that pulls people together in ways that they can express by sharing. People who bond at those levels connect deeply with each other and sex adds another bond between them that connects their emotional relationship with the physical.

A divorce alters that, makes you question yourself, and leaves you without that bond.

Don’t Play Emotional Russian Roulette with Your New Partner

Emotions run deep in most relationships, particularly in a marriage when you’ve been intimate with the same partner for years.

When granted the freedom to be with who you want it’s possible to give undesired love to your new partner. You may be craving that emotional connection you shared with your spouse and now you are laying it on your new girlfriend (or boyfriend) and letting it cloud your emotions.

Essentially you are playing Russian Roulette with your feelings with your partner.

Don’t Repeat Mistakes by Trying Not to Repeat Them

Some of the best advice I’ve ever received was from my divorced brother. It was quite simple and obvious yet I previously had not thought of this.

"Don’t let yourself put blinders on to your new relationship by looking for what you didn’t get from your last."

It was remarkable.

Looking inward it’s possible to see that we consciously and unconsciously judge our past and current relationships against one another. Naturally we’ll focus on the flaws on our past relationships and how our new partner does or doesn’t compare.

We sometimes miss our mark and overlook the flaws of our new partner because they meet some of the needs we didn’t receive from our past lovers.

What Does All This Mean?

Look inward as you approach new relationships, and try to know what your needs and wants really are.

Be sure you are emotionally ready to become intimate with a new partner and that it will be a healthy experience. It’s easier to be comfortable with another person when you are comfortable with yourself. Sex is a natural expression of this comfort and attraction.

Jason Likert is the founder of DivorcedDadsOnline.com. The goal of DivorcedDadsOnline.com is to provide a support network for divorced (and divorcing) fathers and common-sense advice for parents whether divorced or married.

3 Tips to Help You Get Over a Break Up – Quickly!

Jason Likert — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 21:46:42 +0000

Love is a complex concept that philosophers, scientists and romance novelists have struggled with for centuries, if not a millennia.

Is it a metaphysical experience that blends the attraction of souls to one another (ala “soul-mates”), or is it a human ability to sense pheromones and is therefore a bodily function?

Whatever the explanation may be, love is a fact and we all want to receive it.

Givers of Love

Some people are natural givers. They enjoy showering attention, love and care on those who are around them.

They show love from their words, physical actions and gift-giving. Givers have an inclination to be very empathetic to the ones they love. Everyone has the ability to be a giver. In essence we ALL give, we just do it in different ways.

Receivers of Love

Receivers do not automatically “take” – a common stereotype. We are all receivers in some way. Everyone enjoys feeling love and attention. Receivers naturally receive more than they give. They naturally tend to crave attention from those around them.

Are You a Giver or a Receiver?

We all experience love in different ways, as givers and receivers.

As men, many of us are have an inclination to be receivers. Think about the world around us, about how our culture is geared toward making men into receivers of love and affection rather than givers.

We get used to receiving. Most men are conditioned to be receivers and many women are condition to be givers.

When You Stop Receiving Love…

Nothing in this world can be matched with giving and receiving love. It can make time slow down and make a few seconds last for hours when you are together.

When you are apart, a day can feel like a week. In many ways it can be addictive, to feel and enjoy that love you have been receiving. Like a drug you can become dependent upon it.

Somewhere in the past we’ve all been there. That point where we can tell the relationship has changed.

She has stopped giving, you have stopped receiving, or vice versa. Something is different. You can’t put your finger on it, but it’s obvious things have changed.

Do you panic? Do you feel your heart pound in your chest and your ribs compress around your lungs?

Do you analyze it all and look for all of the signs of break up?

If you do, you’re not alone. Everyone feels grief at the end of a relationship. Dealing with it and focusing on what to do, and not why, is a good way to help yourself through it.

Grief is a Natural Response

The grieving process will undoubtedly come into affect; you may feel hurt, angry, more hurt, more angry, seething with rage at one minute and balling your eyes out the next.

It’s important to remember that you are not alone, you aren’t the first person to have your heart broken and you won’t be the last.

Many of the most stout individuals can delay their grief, postpone it, and it will come back to smother them. Feeling grief is natural. Prolonged grief can turn…

Prolonged grief can turn into depression so think about how long you have been grieving and if it affects other aspects of your life.

Focus On “What” and Not On “Why”

The devil is in the details. Focusing on the “why” will happen.

Why did I not do this, or why did she not do that?

Trying to understand the why of breakups and why feelings change is like expecting yourself to understand what love is.

If you don’t know “why” you will focus on yourself.

What did I do? What COULD I have done? These aren’t the “whats” we are looking for. We are looking for “What can I do to move forward?”

Here are a few pointers and things to keep in mind to help get passed a break up.

3 Tips to Help You Get Passed a Break Up

1. Remember Grief is Natural.

You’re not less of a man (or woman) if you feel pain. We’re human, we have emotions and feelings. Welcome to the top of the food pyramid.

2. Get the Support You Need

Ask yourself, “What can I do to feel supported?”

Contact your friends and family and let them in. Nothing shows love like opening up to your loved ones and letting them help you. At our weakest we can be at our strongest.

3. Stay Busy and Productive

Ask yourself, “What can I do to stay busy?

Sitting around and moping can be tedious and affect your health.

Get out and exercise, take yourself out to a movie, go see a friend. Don’t sit and feel sorry for yourself, stay active. Exercise will increase your health and will make you feel better.

Love can make you feel immortal. It can also hurt. That is the other side of the coin.

Think about “what” you can do with yourself after a breakup instead of “why” the break up happened.

Look at how you can love yourself and rely on yourself and not the love of another person. In the long run, you are all you really have control over.

7 Personality Traits You Need to Survive a Break-Up

Eddie Corbano — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 14:37:07 +0000

Many years ago, when I finally overcame my extremely painful break up, I noticed a strong shift in different areas of my life. I’d become stronger, more independent, my relationship to others had improved – I was simply able to enjoy life more.

That was the moment when I started to plan how to convey this to other people with similar problems. But I wasn’t sure if the techniques I used would help other break up or divorce victims as well.

Maybe they were only helpful in my personal case?

That’s when I went in search of the magic formula for overcoming a break up.

I had a concrete idea of what a coaching program would look like, but I also needed another perspective, not just my own. So I decided to interview as many people as possible about how they survived their break ups or divorces.

The Interviews

I started with relatives, then friends, then friends of friends. I did a survey in a newspaper, and finally with the help of a friend psychologist, I was able to interview numerous people with different experiences.

Among them were a few who seemed to go through this process without any effort – with natural lightness. I then especially targeted those, for I was sure that they had some special traits which enabled them to get this behind them much quicker, and with less effort than all the others.

My coaching program was born.

Today, I want to share with you these special traits and mindsets which the “natural” survivors of break ups have had or have developed. Their knowledge will help you to realize where your own problems lie and how you can overcome them effectively.

Here are the 7 Most Important Traits for Overcoming a Break Up Fast:

1. Independency

Have you learned to detach yourself from your partner during the relationship?

Detachment does not mean that you do not love your partner, but it implies the knowledge that you don’t need your partner for your own happiness. Your happiness comes from within. It’s important to realize this.

Have you ever learned to live alone, that you can survive on your own? This is a very important attribute, which helps when you need to face a divorce with more confidence. This is especially important for housewives, who don’t work outside the home for their living.

2. Having a Life-Goal

Most of the successful break up survivors have a life goal, which is independent from their relationship. This could be a business, a work related career or a success in sports. Anything that satisfies an ambition you are passionate about and which makes you happy.

It is important that your relationship or marriage is not the only thing that’s vital in your life.

3. Mental Control

One of the main reasons that we suffer heavily from break ups or divorces is our inability to control our thoughts.

Very often we are caught in a vicious cycle of negative thoughts, which eventually lead to more suffering. Whether or not we are able to break free of it depends on our ability to control our mind.

Persons who practiced meditation and other mind-controlling techniques before the break up were in a better position to handle these situations.

4. High Self-Esteem

Do you feel incomplete without your partner? Was s/he the better part of you? Then a separation would of course be a drastic experience for you.

It is very important to develop a natural self-esteem. Self-love and self-confidence is something you can develop through different continuous exercises. These are personal traits that will help you improve every aspect of your life, not only your relationships or your ability to cope with a break up or divorce.

To love yourself, and thereby establish a strong self-confidence, is one of the most vital ingredients of living a fulfilled life.

5. Having an Extroverted Personality

You can divide mankind in two different main personality types: introverted and extroverted.

I have observed that extroverted personalities overcome break ups much easier.

They enjoy having people around them and incline to energize themselves through interaction, whereas introverts tend to concentrate more on their own feelings and thoughts, which is fatal during a break up.

Being one of these personalities is something that is deeply wired into you, hence it is very difficult to change this, but you can at least aspire after the extroverted side.

6. Being the Action-Type

How do you react when problems occur? Are you more the action-solution type, or do you tend to hide yourself away in lethargy and procrastination? This is again where the humanity divides in two types.

Of course we all know that it’s better to be a problem solver, unfortunately this doesn’t make it easier. This is a socially induced problem, so it’s possible to train yourself towards being a person who acts.

The action-type personality suffers much less from break ups or divorces. Taking action drives away fears.

7. Experience in the Dating-Game

“Will I ever find someone new?” That is one of the most asked questions after a break up.

If you are an experienced dater, and you know “the game”, then you have a crucial advantage: You don’t have to pose this question to yourself – you can go out there and find a new partner who fulfills your needs, when you are ready. You’d know how it’s done.

This is more of a comfort than you might think. This means conquering the fear of being alone.

Fortunately, this is a skill which can be learned.

What is the magic formula for overcoming a break up, you might ask?

It is understanding where your personal problems are and reacting upon them. It is developing the traits for surviving a break up or divorce faster and easier.

That’s what I do in my personal coaching.

You can go through the above list and narrow down the traits where you have to work on yourself. Any improvement will immediately manifest itself in all the areas of your life.

You alone have the key for your wellbeing. Use it.

Fight or Flight – How Men React To Divorce

Jason Likert — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 14:48:22 +0000

I think it’s important to understand the natural inclinations we have when we react to divorce. Each of us has a different response to things based on our previous experiences.

Fight or Flight – Which is Better?

As science has proven, our bodies and minds have two responses to stressors. It’s called the "flight or fight" response. Either we react by fighting back against whatever is causing us stress or we run away. Divorce, and all that is wrapped up into it, is definitely stressful. It’s stressful on us and it’s stressful on our family and especially our children.

It’s easy to want to run away from something. Many people are natural "withdrawers" when faced with difficulties. Divorce will punch you in the face if you let it. Running away and attempting to hide from your stressors will only lead you to more running. This time divorce will trip you up by the heels and lay into you while you’re trying to get back up.

Standing up and facing your fear and uncertainty is a different choice. There are people who are "attackers" who like to solve problems. There’s a certain synergy that’s created when you start to stand up to the things that are bothering you and dealing with them on a rational level.

There are times in our lives where we do either of these things. Sure, we have a tendency to lean one way or the other but everyone handles stress by either attacking or withdrawing based upon the situation.

My Best Advice to Anyone Going Through Divorce

Man or woman. You’ve heard this before but I am emphatically urging you to:

Go get a lawyer.

It’s the easiest, though not always cheap, answer to dealing with the stress of divorce. We all want to separate amicably. It’s a worthy goal. I was that way too. Unfortunately in the beginning I ignored this advice and it cost me in the long term. Your lawyer will handle much of the stress and anxiety for you. He or she will be the one sending letters to your soon-to-be-ex-spouses’ lawyer.

Divorce is a Business Decision

Divorce, once the process is engaged, is a business decision. It’s no longer about emotional needs. You may love future ex, but in the end you need to look out for you and your children. This is business. I’m not telling you to take your ex to the cleaners, I’m urging you to take care of yourself. You can still have an amicable divorce with lawyers (or mediators involved) and you’ll also be aware of your rights.

You Can Run But You Can’t Hide From Divorce

The energy you get running is energy that could be spent protecting you and your children. If you’re unfortunate enough to be getting divorce just realize that there are many ways for you to take charge of your life and not let the stress overwhelm you.

Attracting the Relationship You Want Instead of the One You Left

Karen Lynch — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 15:44:46 +0000

Unless you have been hiding underneath a rock you have heard about the Law of Attraction in the past couple of years.

Since the movie “the Secret” came out it seems that everyone has been talking about it.

Basically the Law of Attraction says that you will attract what you think about.

So of course, many people think that they would love to use this knowledge to attract the things that they really want in life such as money, career success and of course a wonderful loving relationship.

But is it easier said than done?

The Law of Attraction on Autopilot

The fact is that most people attract things into their lives by default. Yes, it’s true. We tend to attract things into our life without thinking about it, we attract by autopilot. It’s like driving to work everyday, we just do it automatically, without even thinking.

When was the last time you even thought about your route to work?

Yet, this very act of attracting by autopilot is what causes many a relationship to flounder. How many times have you heard of a woman who married someone just like her father, or a man marrying a woman just like his mother? Now, it is possible that a relationship like that could be a perfect match but it is also possible that it could just be a continuation of misery.

Repeating Relationship Patterns

How many people do you know who have jumped right into a new relationship and except for the exterior package (yes, it is a different person) the relationship is the essentially the same as the one they left? Same problems, different face.

Have you been guilty of that?

One reason why this happens is because of the Law of Attraction. You see, during the bad relationship you developed habituated modes of thinking and vibrating. Just breaking up or even an official divorce does not and will not change that mode of vibration. We quickly develop habits of looking at the world and it takes time to break those habits.

Part of the problem is that people tend to ruminate on “why” they needed to leave the last relationship, why that person was not right for them and all of the bad qualities of the person they left. But while they are doing all of this stewing, justifying and ruminating, they are still vibrating in that same place so if they do attract someone new it is very likely that the same problems will be there. They will just be packaged in a different person.

Love Yourself First!

In order to use the Law of Attraction deliberately to create a wonderful relationship you need to spend some time alone, getting comfortable with just yourself. Find things that you love to do and do them just for fun, don’t try to meet anyone, just get happy with yourself. And while you are doing this you can consider just what you want in a relationship.

Stop focusing on the things that you disliked in your previous relationship and the things that didn’t work and focus on the good and wonderful things that you want.

You’ll get to a point where you will know you are focusing on the good things you want to attract because you will have good feelings, happy feelings and when you are really ready to attract someone new and wonderful who is right for you, you may even be able to look back on your past relationships with thoughts of appreciation. That person may not have been the one for you but they did get you to where you are and where you are is the only place you can attract the person who will be right for you and the relationship that you really want.

We all want to attract a loving, wonderful person to co-create a magnificent future with. Change your focus, think about and really feel inside what it is that you want in a relationship, then let it go, don’t dwell on it. Have faith that it will happen for you.

Before you know it you will have attracted the one from your dreams.

Can A Break Up Actually Be A Good Thing?

Eddie Corbano — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 14:52:04 +0000

For most people, a break up or divorce is the most excruciating experience they have had in their lives. It is like losing a part of yourself, a part which is vital for your very survival.

What if I tell you that your break up can actually be a good thing?

What if I tell you that it is an opportunity to find your real self and evaluate your position in life, the ultimate test for life’s upcoming challenges?

The only thing you have to do is to take the right fork in the road when standing at the crossroad.

Why do we suffer so much after a break up?

The usual break up or divorce starts in the same manner: the partner leaves, one way or the other.

How the one left behind copes with this experience is determined by 3 main factors:

1. The nature of the relationship to their partner
2. The expectation they had of the relationship
3. Their personality and personal experiences

A break up is a devastating experience for everyone. Whether or not the person left behind will suffer beyond the borders of normality depends on their expectations and experiences. The healing depends on their ability to face these factors. If they can “look into the core”, identify their behavior and fix their problems, then the healing will take place and there will be improvement in other areas of their life as well.

A break up discloses mercilessly all our weaknesses and hidden pain we have carried around since childhood. We must seize the chance to uncover and get rid of them once and for all.

A case study of two broken hearts

Case no. 1 – Kevin:

When his wife left him after 3 years of marriage, Kevin was devastated. He called in sick for work and didn’t leave the apartment where they used to live for about 6 weeks. He felt as if the very reason for his existence just vanished. He completely lost his center and will for life. All he could think of was the life he had. Although he knew that his marriage was definitely over, he could not stop wishing she would come back. This thought was the very spark of his life and his so called existence.

After 6 weeks, the initial shock was gone and he slowly started to ask himself where he was headed. He felt he was walking on a thin line towards a crossroad: to his left and right was a deep and dark abyss. He knew that he had to choose which road to follow, and this decision would determine his future life.

So he finally walked out of his apartment, met some friends, spoke with them about his fears and the way he felt. He did some research, and with the help of a friend, who is a psychotherapist, he discovered the main source of his problems: a strong lack of self-esteem and self-love.

His life had been happy because his beautiful wife gave meaning and value to his life. His happiness came from outside, rather than from the inside.

Through the coaching of his friend and a disciplined self-study, he not only overcame the divorce, but also remarkably improved his quality of life. Everything seemed to have changed: his relationships with others, his progress at work, his attitude towards women, his life goals.

He had become an entirely new person.

Case no. 2 – Julia:

Like Kevin, Julia was devastated. Her boyfriend left her in a very rude way: he sent her a text-message stating that it was over and that he had found somebody else. Needless to say, Julia suffered exceptionally. She had put all her hope into this relationship and planned on getting married. Her previous relationships had all been disastrous, from cheating to abusive boyfriends.

Unlike Kevin, she didn’t lock herself up in her flat. She partied for days, avoiding being alone. After one month of destructive behavior, she refused to talk to anyone about her experience, even not to her best friend she had known since high school.

Unable to be alone, she took drugs and alcohol to bridge over the times when nobody could go out with her.

After 4 months in agony, she met this interesting man who made her feel good. Suddenly her life was back on track again. She fell in love, and they quickly moved in together and lived comparably happy.

Julia was pleased… until the next break up hit her without mercy.

What is the difference between Kevin and Julia?

Was Kevin smarter than Julia? Of course not. Did Julia suffer more than Kevin? No, their pain was comparable.

The difference between them was the ability to identify their weak points and the willingness to make the necessary changes.

Kevin realized the inescapable necessity of taking the right path at the right moment. He was prepared to face the pain and invested time for his healing as opposed to letting himself go and avoid the pain.

Julia chose to jump into a new relationship right away rather than face her problems. She was caught in a vicious cycle.

Of course, Kevin had the luck to find the competent help and certainly, Julia had a bad childhood, but both had a choice.

The choice for a better life.

There are many Julias out there right now with similar cases. I hope they all will realize eventually that in order to change their lives, they have to take their break ups or divorces as opportunities and not as a burden.

Use your break up to look deep into your own abyss and face the monster inside.

If you can’t do it alone, get the help you need.

Manifesting A Soul Mate – Is It Really Possible?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 01:13:29 +0000

Getting back into the dating game after a divorce is not always easy, especially when you have kids.

Dating as a single parent is not the same game you played before you were ever married.

Many of the things you used to do to meet members of the opposite sex no longer have the same appeal!

And all of the parents at the PTA meetings are already married!

What is a lonely single parent to do?

Are you wondering if you will ever meet someone? Especially if you are not “out there” trying.

Well, here is some inspiration for the hopelessly romantic single parent, Karen Lynch from LiveThePower.com.

Read how one woman attracted the Love that she wanted without even trying!

Manifesting a Soul Mate, by Karen Lynch

Why There’s Still Hope for Marriage

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 16:30:43 +0000

Why do we cry at weddings?

I think its because we are all hopeless romantics. We all want the dream of a lasting connection that keeps us engaged and invested. We want to feel hot about our lover 30 years into the marriage and we want that for others. We cry because we want it for ourselves and because we don’t really know if it’s possible.

My daughter cried at my wedding. She was, afraid, perhaps. Afraid that while it seemed so good at the point of the wedding that it might not end up the fairy tale. I’ve been married three times now and she knew how it could turn out. She has seen my two previous marriages fail and got a really clear picture of how bad a bad marriage can be. But even at that third attempt, she cried. She wanted, at 16 to have a father who cared about her, and a husband for her lonely mom. Her hopes brought tears.

As she walked down the isle herself, a couple of weeks ago, I cried. My husband asked me what I was feeling and I told him, “Sad, glad, wonderful.”

What was amazing me was that in spite of seeing me go through two disastrous marriages, she still had hope. She believes in her ability to love, and she believes in her husband.

When I hear the debate about whether you should stay together for the kids or show them that it’s okay to find happiness, I am amused. Ideally, we should all be able to make it work out. But watching miserable parents suffer for their sake does not make for well-adjusted children.

What I like to think my daughter saw, which gave her continued hope, is that when you are determined enough, anything is possible.

Ending two marriages in divorce was not what I wanted for my kids, or in the least, myself. I was ill equipped to manage a lasting connection. My mother also went through two divorces, one when I was a toddler, and another long after I was grown. So I saw both divorce, and “staying together for the kids”. Neither provided me a model for intimacy.

But I was determined to have what my mother did not, a lasting, intimate connection with my husband. What I did, and what my daughter witnessed, is to find out what it took to have what I dreamed of having.

I hoped therapy would help me find it. And undoubtedly, the work I did and the things I learned did pave the way. But it wasn’t until I discovered the Cycles of the Heart model that I fully understood why it is so horribly difficult for most of us to have that romantic dream. And it wasn’t until I understood the way out that I was able to do it differently.

Discovering that the way our minds are wired and… how our culture has indoctrinated us into believing that we have to view every problem as a question of “who is to blame” transformed my life and my relationships.

I also believe that it is why my daughter was able to confidently take her vows with a kind, loving man with whom I have no doubt she will have a marvelous life. She learned, along with me, that there is a different way to live than we have been led by biology and culture to believe.

So I cried at her wedding. I cried from a depth of understanding of the possibilities before her, at 27, which were not there for me. My joy overflows, because she is starting out her life with wisdom that eluded me.

She cried at her wedding, too. My husband lifted his glass in toast to her. He said, with tears in his eyes, (as best I can recall) “You two have everything you need to make a marriage work. Because I know that you (my daughter) have realized that you can’t forget who your husband is when you are in conflict. No matter how angry he is, or you are, you don’t forget who he is in spite of whatever might be happening. This is how I know you have what it takes.” She burst into tears because she knew what he said is true, and that she had won an incredible prize by having this gift.

This wisdom doesn’t come easily or naturally. It’s something we have to learn, and continue to practice. But it makes all the difference in the world in our relationships, whether with our spouse, our children, our parents, our friends or our neighbors.

My Girlfriend Is Acting Distant – Is She Cheating?

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 19 Aug 2007 13:57:47 +0000

If your girlfriend is acting distant, does that mean she’s cheating, or even that she’s planning to break up with you?

Here’s a scenario…

Your girlfriend goes off for the weekend to celebrate her birthday but does not invite you, and she was extra nice to you the week before she left – unnaturally nice. This by itself is enough to raise some red flags, but what if she stops returning your calls and text messages while she’s away? Now that’s enough to drive most men crazy!

There are two possibilities here…

Most likely, she did hook up with someone else while she was away. That’s why she suddenly stopped responding – she doesn’t want the new guy to think he’s unimportant.

The second possibility is that for some reason or other, she’s intentionally putting distance between you. Maybe she’s thinking of breaking up or maybe it’s just moving too fast for her. Maybe she just needs some space.

Either way, this isn’t looking so good for you.

So what can you do?

First, be honest with her and let her know that her recent behavior hurt your feelings and that you feel neglected. It’s very important to be honest, but NOT judgemental or accusing. You need to create an environment where she feels safe being honest with you. That is if you REALLY do want the truth…

And when she does tell you the truth, be supportive and understanding – even if what she says makes you angry. Face it – you cannot control how she feels or what she does. Read that again. You cannot control how she feels or what she does. The only thing in this life that any of us can really control is our actions and our emotional responses to others’ actions. Period.

So take a deep breath and tell her how you feel.

Here’s a question from Ty in Nebraska who is facing this troubling issue right now.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Yeah so my girlfriend had her birth this weekend and I have been having issues not trusting her lately for some reason or and other. Well she went out of town back home for her birthday and she didn’t invite me! She has been real lovely talking to me lately like she is trying to cover up something it seems. Well I talked to her yesterday afternoon at about 2:30 and she said she would call me back so i waited it out all night and I texted her about 9:30 and never heard from her and then texted her happy b-day at 12:00 am this morning wishing her happy b-day and no hear back from her!

This is totally not like her because she is a text message freak and she has been calling me like crazy the last couple of days! I am starting to wonder if is being unfaithful or just ignoring me or what’s up I don’t know how to confront her on her birthday? I need to say something because it really is bothering me big time!

Lets hear back soon.
Thanks, Tyler

Break Up Despair – Why You Should NEVER Argue by Phone or Email

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 26 May 2007 20:18:15 +0000

Break ups are never fun for either partner. Actually, they tend to be a horrible emotional experience for at least one, if not both people involved.

This is also made worse by the fact that people break up over some really silly things, like misunderstandings, lies, or even just disapproval and non-acceptance from their family members or friends.

But finding out that you’re now single through an email or by phone is even worse. It’s so cold, so impersonal, so clinical. Would YOU want to hear that you’re now single by phone or email?

Unfortunately, many people go through a long process of deciding whether to stay in a relationship or break up. And when they finally come to that decision to be alone, they don’t want to confront the other person. In a way, many don’t want to deal with the pain they’re afraid their partner will experience.

But is it right to just make that final phone call, or send that final email, and just end it? Not to say that you OWE anyone anything, whether it is to commit to be with that person forever or to break up with them in a certain way or another. You have the right and the option to be with whomever you choose, and to live your life in the way that you choose.

But in your heart, you know that YOU would prefer to hear it in person, don’t you? Would you want to agonize ALONE over the possible reasons why your relationship just ended? When would you truly get closure?

Today’s question is from a man in Maine dealing with this very issue – his girlfriend broke up with him by email and he just can’t seem to find peace.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I have been going together for 2 years and we were engaged. But she broke up with me almost a month ago by e-mail.

I haven’t seen her since then because I am almost 200 miles away from her working. 3 days before she had sent me the break up e-mail we had spent a week together and everything was great, or so I thought. The only reason she gave me in the e-mail was that she has been relying on other people for 8 years and she wants to be able to be independent on her own and prove to herself that she can. I had tried many times to call her and talk but she won’t answer the phone. I have texted her here and then and she does text back, but only if it’s nothing to do about us.

She also has 2 kids that I love to death. Their fathers aren’t in there lives so they had been calling me daddy the hole time we were together. I don’t want to lose her or the kids.

I just don’t understand why she would want to throw away a 2 great year relationship over something like this. I texted her today and told her I might be up this weekend or next to get my stuff and asked if she would talk to me when I was there. She said sure but she wasn’t going to talk about things that will make this break up more difficult. What does she think I’m going to want to talk about? To me I think I deserve to be able to talk to her face to face about all this. The way she broke it off with me just wasn’t right. Anyone got any advice to how I should approach this when I get there.

– Jason (Maine)

Can a Relationship That Starts Out as an Affair Succeed?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 14 May 2007 17:45:25 +0000

Some couples are blessed with eternal happiness and an amazing relationship that gets stronger day by day, year by year. But others are just not so lucky, for any of hundreds of possible reasons.

Even though their relationship can start out great, they slowly start arguing and often grow apart until they’re downright miserable being together. Counseling can frequently help them mend their differences, but sometimes even that fails. Yet they stay together in an unhappy relationship because no one wants to think about break up and divorce; because to many, that means they’ve failed.

Often times, these unhappy people meet other unhappy people in a similar situation, and start an extramarital relationship, a.k.a. an affair. And no, it’s not always just about sex. Many times, an affair serves to fill an empty emotional void.

This new relationship can seem stronger and happier than the current marriage either partner is trying to escape. But, with the extreme stress and social pressure they’ll both face, can a relationship that starts out as an affair succeed and end up as a happy, long term relationship?

Today’s question is from a lady in Australia facing this very real issue.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

OK, I’ll prepare myself for an onslaught of hatred…. it’ll just mirror reality anyway. Two years ago I fell in love with a married man and the feelings were mutual. He had not loved his wife for many years – he had been feeling depressed and decided that was “his lot” in life.

We have tried a few times over the past two years to end things with each other, but we can’t. We feel – maybe as every affair couple does – that we are meant to be together. He has decided he cannot keep living a lie, and is making the first moves to move out. No, he is not going to tell her about me because it would make things even harder than they already will be (they have a 10 year old daughter). He has told her that he does not love her and wants to leave. She is resisting that, and is trying to do whatever she can to encourage him to stay. But he’s determined to leave, and eventually we will make our relationship public.

My question is, knowing that the statistics are poor for couples who get together as a result of an affair, what are the pitfalls we should be aware of, and how do we get through them. We want to be together forever. We know this is not ideal. But can you please offer some advice?

– Ria in Australia

He’s Divorcing His Wife to be With Me – Or Is He?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 13:15:47 +0000

Losing the love

Couples often drift apart over the months and years together, and sadly most either don’t notice this shift or are too busy and distracted to do anything about it.

What’s amazing is that married couples are even more at risk than their non-married counterparts. Their perceived sense of security from “being married” leads them to be less worried about their relationship. So they get complacent and stop trying.

It’s human nature for most people to do the least possible required to get by. And if your partner is promised to you forever, then where’s the challenge in keeping them? Seriously, it’s already guaranteed, so really, why bother? It sounds crude, but think about it.

Finding love again, and a moving into new relationship

Well, after years of a downhill relationship, many married people find someone else who brings them happiness, and fall in love all over again. It happens much more than most people think. People don’t just fall in love when they’re single – they fall in love when there’s room in their lives for someone to bring them happiness.

But then comes the really hard part – the painful process of moving on from that previous relationship (often the marriage). And of course there’s the guilt that most people feel in this situation. That guilt is even so much more intense when they have children.

The new partner can often get very frustrated over how long this process truly takes…

And what about his relationship with his soon-to-be ex husband or wife? Will it just abruptly end, or will it just change over time? And will the “ex” be part of the new partner’s life from now on?

This is a really tough situation, but a very common one. Be sure to read the question, then watch the video and leave your thoughts below.

Here’s the full story…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 2 years. He started seeing me behind his wife’s back. She knows about us now and has for about 9 months. They are in the middle of getting a divorce so we can be together.

My problem is that she still lives with him. They still do family things (they have 2 kids together). She still texts him and calls him to let him know what she’s doing where she’s at and when she’s on her way home from work.

He told me that the only reason things are still this way is because of the kids. He does come out and spend the night and stuff but we only get 1 or 2 nights or days out of the week.

Should I believe him? Should I continue waiting for the day that we will be together completely?

I’m asking this because I sometimes feel that there is still something going on between them like a relationship. Do you think the same thing? Do you think their divorce will ever be final? Do you think she will ever move out?

I’ll be waiting for your answers thank you very much

- Tabatha

Should I Divorce My Husband or Stay for the Kids?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 03:04:04 +0000

This scenario is much more common than you may believe…

A couple has been married for 5 years or more, they have 2.5 kids, and live in a suburban wonderland.

All of a sudden, they realize they’re not “a couple” anymore, just roommates. The spark has vanished without a trace. Gone are the days or love, romance, excitement, happiness. It’s just dreary, boring, playing house with a roommate you can no longer stand.

Remember those days you couldn’t let each other go to sleep at night, and couldn’t wait to wake up and be together? Yeah, they’re gone. You don’t know why, but they’re long gone.

And suddenly, you meet someone new, fun, and exciting. Maybe even an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend from college. And suddenly you feel alive again, like you’ve been woken from a bad dream.

With one minor detail of course… your spouse and the 2.5 kids.

So what do you do? Stay with your spouse and continue the unhappy marriage, seek counseling, or divorce?

You decide. Be sure to read the question, then watch the video and leave your thoughts below.

Here’s the full story…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, I’ve been married to my husband for 5 years and with him for a total of 9 years. We have three kids together. For a long time now we have not gotten along, there have been fights, some physical, he was arrested for trying to push me out of a car, there is emotional abuse, and I am just not happy. I told him I want a divorce.

Well, we are in financial ruin with debt a lot of debt and cannot afford a separate residence – which is a criterion for divorce in our state. You must live in separate places for a year.

In addition the financial aspect of it scares me, but I honestly don’t think I’m in love with him anymore, and I am quite certain that if we didn’t have children together I would leave and probably wouldn’t have married him in the first place. He is on the other hand a wonderful dad, and we have a great “community image” with lots of friends, etc. and he’s a teacher.

To complicate things I began speaking to a male friend of mine from college again and it began as friends, and has escalated into an affair. He lives 600 miles away but has come up to visit me and I am planning on visiting him as well. He is divorced and has a son and on the bad side he is a drunk.

But, when I speak to him, I am just completely and totally in love. I have known him for about 13 years and we were even roommates at one time, but involved with other people.

I just feel like for the first time in my life I have found true love and happiness, except for the fact that I am married to someone else. I don’t know what to do, I feel that by staying in my current marriage (I have told my husband of my feelings for this other person, but he still wants to try to make things work) it is unfair to me, and to my husband who should have someone who is in love with him.

I also think of my children and that I may possibly screw up their lives with my own selfishness….any advice is greatly appreciated.

- Tanya

How Soon is Too Soon to Start a New Relationship After a Divorce?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 04:28:46 +0000

While there’s no real answer to this question, there are some important things to keep in mind.

Many people worry that it’s too soon to have feelings for another person and worry about what their family and friends will say. In reality, you feel what you feel when you feel it, and you’ll know when the time is right. Don’t second guess yourself and don’t let others tell you what you need to be happy.

When you get a divorce, it’s very common to miss the companionship and closeness that you once had. So what can you do?

Most importantly, don’t try to fill that void with the first person that comes along.

And when you do meet someone, take it slow, worry a little less about the future and just go with your feelings today. Don’t focus so much about the end result. Many people agonize about "where the relationship will go", etc. Stop it!

Enjoy your time on the phone. Enjoy going on dates. Just take it day by day. Don’t worry about rushing into another long term relationship, especially since you just came out of a marriage.

I’m sure you’ve heard this: "Give yourself time to heal and get over the divorce." And that is quite true. Otherwise what you may end up doing is going into what everybody calls a rebound relationship, where you end up dating someone who is the complete opposite of your ex-spouse. In time, you’ll find out that just because he or she is the opposite of your ex, they’re not perfect either.

Recognize this type of relationship for what it is and you’ll be fine. It’s OK to spend some time with someone who is the opposite of your ex. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Just don’t get too excited, because rebound relationships normally don’t last. The right person for you is probably somewhere in the middle of what you left and what you’ve just found.

In summary, just take it slow and enjoy it day by. There’s absolutely no need to rush into a serious relationship. You’ve finally got your freedom, so why not take some time to enjoy it?

How to Approach Relationships After Break Up or Divorce

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 16:21:48 +0000

How soon is TOO soon to approach a new relationship after break up or divorce?

Nobody likes being alone, especially after being in a close intimate relationship, which is why most people start dating again soon after ending their old relationship.

Dating someone new is fine, but be aware of WHY you’re dating this new person. While there’s really nothing wrong with it and there’s no mandatory ”you must be alone and miserable” period, it’s crucial to avoid getting into a rebound relationship for the wrong reasons.

Just because they are the exact opposite of your old partner doesn’t necessarily make them RIGHT for you. It just eases your short term frustrations with your previous partner, the frustrations that caused you to separate.

Watch this short video to find out more on how to approach relationships after break up or divorce…

Is it Wrong to Leave My Husband for a Man I Just Met on the Internet?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 01:10:26 +0000

It’s becoming a common theme…

People meet someone online and want to leave their families and their lives behind – without ever meeting this person face to face.

In many cases, when they do actually meet the other person, they find that there is no spark, no chemistry.

How is that possible when they got along so well online?

It’s really quite simple. Attraction is much more than just logic and words. We are attracted to others because of the energy that surrounds them, their smell, their movement, their chemistry – so much more than can ever be conveyed over the internet or even over the telephone.

The internet is a great medium for initial introductions, but nothing beats good ol’ face to face communication to determine if you really like someone.

Think of Online Dating as “Online Introductions”. After you find someone you think you may like, it’s time to get out from behind the computer, meet them, and really get to know them in the real word before making any life changing decisions.

Having said that, is it really wrong to leave your current partner to be with someone you met on the internet?

The Question

After 20 years of marriage, and 2 weeks of talking to a stranger online, I am ready to end my marriage and run off with a person 13 yrs my junior. I realize how insane this must sound to most. Sill as I live it, it just seems right. He seems right. If in fact my new friend is truly what he seems, is it wrong to want real happiness? After 20 years my spouse is no closer to meeting halfway on anything. I had resolved myself to this and thought this is how all marriages end up? Help?

The Answer

First, stop and take a deep breath. You don’t need to make this decision immediately, and you really shouldn’t. There are two very distinct questions facing you here, and combining them can be very dangerous.

1. Should you leave and divorce your husband?

2. Do you truly want to be with this new man?

Is it wrong to want real happiness?

Absolutely not! You should always pursue happiness in your life. There’s no way to truly bring happiness to your partner or your children if you are miserable. Just like there’s no way to truly love someone else without having love for yourself first. True happiness comes from within, not from other people, places, and things.

Make your life decisions based on what feels right for you.

Many, but not all, will disagree with me, but the only person that you are ultimately responsible for in this life is you. Others come and go from your life so that you can further the experience of life – your experience. You come into this life on your own and you leave on your own, so make sure that while you’re here you take care of YOU.

Should you leave your husband for this other man?

No, combining those very different questions can be very dangerous and foolish.

If you want to leave your husband, then do it. But don’t go from one unhappy situation into a completely unknown situation. Take this one step at a time and be sure it’s what you really want.

Are you in love with this man, or just ready to leave your husband?

Is it truly him that excites you, or is it the allure and possibility of freedom, of a new life that you’ve wanted for so long?

Really get to know the new guy first! Two weeks of chatting is not enough time to really know someone. You need to meet someone, spend some time and get to know them, etc.

There’s nothing more exciting than a new relationship. First the relationship is fresh, new, and exciting. But then the euphoria wears off and you enter a new stage where the relationship grows and progresses more deeply, and then slows to a more reliable rhythm. You begin to truly get to know one another on a deeper level.

After 20 years, you know your husband better than anyone else, probably better than he knows himself. Are you really prepared to start all over and break in a new one?

I’m not saying you should stay in an unhappy marriage.

Take a moment now to read our very controversial article on this age-old issue – Should You Condemn Yourself to a Bad Relationship for Life Because of Religion and Guilt?

In summary, if you’re in an unhappy marriage, you are not required to stay in that marriage. Others will disagree with that statement but we believe that we are here in this life to experience happiness, nothing more.

Just make sure that you’re leaving your husband for the right reasons.

Don’t make a rash decision because you met someone else. Really take the time to examine why you want out. If you leave, you need to leave because it’s what you really want in your heart.

Age is irrelevant.

So what if he’s younger than you? Would it matter if he were 10 years older?

Fact is you like him, and you didn’t sit around thinking “should I like him, is he the right age?”. Really, does anyone do that? No, only the overactive brain and its idle chatter judges all the little things you do and think and that’s what get’s us in trouble.

It really makes no difference whether you are the same age, younger, or older than your partner.

We believe that people enter and leave our lives at just the right time, for whatever reasons that we aren’t quite yet evolved enough to fully comprehend. Relationships help us learn more about life and ourselves than any other experiences. Cherish them and appreciate their gifts.

What will your friends say?

In short, it doesn’t matter. If you friends don’t love you enough to support you in your decisions, then maybe you should get some new friends. It really is that simple.

Unfortunately, family and friends are typically the ones that hold you back and keep you “in your box”.

All the people in our lives who think “they know better” tell us who we should date, who we should marry, what we should do, etc. Well, guess what? They don’t have a real clue what YOU should do. All they really have the right and ability to tell you is what they would do in your situation.

Most of the time they just end up reiterating what they were told by their parents and ministers as they grew up – without ever questioning those thoughts and beliefs.

They may mean well and truly care about you, but they can’t possibly know what you should do. Only you can know that by listening to your heart.

In Summary

Follow your heart and do what you feel to be right.
It is not your responsibility to make anyone else happy, but it IS your responsibility to make yourself happy.
If you choose to leave your husband because you are having problems or your relationship no longer works, make that decision independently of whether or not you want to be with this other man.
Take the time to know this new man before running away with him.

Break Up and Divorce – Should You Condemn Yourself to a Bad Relationship for Life Because of Religion and Guilt?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 14:00:56 +0000

If you’re in a bad marriage and are really unhappy, should you separate, get a divorce, or stay in the marriage?

For us, this is not a cut and dry decision as there are many factors to consider.

As you all know by now, we’re not afraid to approach what some would consider to be forbidden topics. We like to think outside of the box and question everything while staying true to ourselves.

Our goal with this post is to help Karen follow her heart and make decisions based on love rather that fear and guilt.

Hang on tight! This could get bumpy. We’re about to step outside the box and ask you to question beliefs that you may have never have thought to question before.

Don’t forget - take the poll at the end of this article to make your vote count on this incredibly controversial topic.

Background – Is this a bad relationship?

This question is a bit involved, so we’ll break it up into sections.

I was married for twelve years to a man (S) that deserted me twice. He also had numerous extra-marital infidelities. He took his stuff and left this last time about a year and a half ago. I tried and tried to talk to him but he refused to talk to me or answer my phone calls. I was just heartbroken. He was my second husband. My first husband wasn’t unfaithful, but he had an explosive temper and shouted and screamed at me. And even though he never actually hit me, I was afraid of him.

Anyway, seven months after my second husband left me I decided to try and move on with my life. I met a wonderful man (D). He was everything I had wanted – Caring, responsible, trustful and very loving. We started slowly, but after awhile I fell deeply in love with him. And he fell in love with me.

I hired an attorney. I filed for divorce. After I had been with D for around four months he proposed to me. I was very excited and accepted. I knew our relationship was perfect and we had a wonderful life ahead of us. We were doing everything together and I was so happy.

S somehow found out and started to phone me. He told me he wanted us to get back together. He told me he would never do any of the things he had done to me before. He said he had found God and was going to church now. He said that he was a changed man. He said I was still his wife and I owed him another chance to prove he had changed. He told me he was a broken man and was thinking about suicide. I finally allowed him to see me he cried and cried and pleaded with me telling me he had changed. I felt so guilty.

Love and Fear

Karen, while this is a very emotional situation, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about anything another person does or experiences. They make their own choices in life and their experiences are their own. You can be understanding and empathize with the other person, but never, ever, make yourself responsible for what another person is experiencing.

You can control how you behave and respond to a situation, but that is where your control ends. Never let another person make you feel guilty. There is no right or wrong choice in life because we grow from each experience – some choices just work better for us than others. Even the ones that didn’t work out quite like you hoped provide the opportunity to grow.

Sometimes the best way to figure out what we want is to experience what we don’t want. Just try to learn from that experience so that you don’t keep repeating it. I’ve noticed that the Universe will keep sending you the same situation or experience over and over until you learn the lesson that you need to learn from that specific experience.

Our emotional scale has two extremes – love and fear.

In every situation – ask yourself if you’re acting out of love or fear, and always try to act out of love. Now that doesn’t mean letting someone walk all over you… You need to make decisions that feel right in your heart, in the core of your being, in your gut, however you want to explain it. Just make sure that you’re not making your decisions out of fear, anger, guilt, jealousy, revenge or any other negative emotion.

Others may react to your decisions with a negative emotion, but remember what we said in the beginning – You can only control your responses, not theirs. If another person chooses to respond to something you do with a negative emotion, that’s their decision and you can’t control what they do. You can only accept their reaction with love and understanding.

Make your life decisions based on what feels right for you. Many, but not all, will disagree with me, but the only person that you are ultimately responsible for in this life is you. Others come and go from your life so that you can further the experience of life, but you come into this life on your own and you leave on your own, so make sure that while your here you take care of YOU.

Religion and Guilt

I told D and my church counselor that if S really has changed then I thought I should give him another chance. My church counselor said I needed to forgive S and try again.

What else would a church counselor say? Your church counselor is bound by the rules and regulations of whichever religion he chooses to follow. And those rules and regulations are not always based on love, but are based on control. Having said that, forgiveness is the most powerful tool that you have in this life. I believe there’s a quote that goes something like… “Forgiveness is God’s gift to the forgiver, not the forgiven” – something like that. It’s very true because you let go of all the negative emotions around the situation whether or not the other person even knows that you forgave them. So whether or not your stay married, try to forgive him.

D was very upset and told me I was not thinking straight. He told me I had been emotionally abused through both my marriages and that S was manipulating me. D said that my marriage to S was over the minute he abandoned me. I still felt guilty.

There’s absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. He left you. Remember? You are under no obligation to take him back – unless you wish to keep repeating that same pattern until you’ve learned everything you need to learn from it.

I went to psychiatric counseling with D and the doctor couldn’t understand why I considered going back to S. I felt such pressure and told D I needed some space to figure this out. He left me alone for about a month. Meanwhile S kept calling and following me. I finally agreed to go see my church counselor with S. The counselor said that we couldn’t rebuild our marriage if we lived apart. So I allowed S to move back in.

This may sound harsh, but I would ditch the church counselor. He does not have your best interest in mind. His only concern is that you follow the rules of the church, whether you’re happy or not. I believe that we are all here to experience happiness.

The doctrine of misery is fabricated by modern organized religion. They tell us that we have to suffer to be good people. Have you really read the Bible? I can’t find anywhere in the Bible that says we need to be miserable to be good people.

My interpretation of Jesus’ teachings and the Bible is that we should love and accept everyone and every experience that comes into our life unconditionally because life is perfection.

Sure, modern religion misquotes many specific passages in the Bible which have been translated by many different writers with many different perceptions through many different languages over thousands of years and tells us to follow their rules or go to Hell. I believe that Hell is defined by the self perpetrated misery that many people put themselves through each and every day. Hell is what we experience when we are not true to ourselves.

We don’t need religion to tell us what is right and wrong. As long as we come from a place of love and acceptance, we’ll always make the right decisions. That’s what we’re here to learn. I’ve never known a truly spiritual person who judges another person. Why would an all powerful God need to judge us – that would be like us judging the actions of ant in an anthill on a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean… OK, enough ranting on modern religion…

It wasn’t right. I knew it. After all the love and joy I had found in D I now was back in a very dark and unloving relationship. He follows me everywhere. He calls me on the cell phone constantly to make sure where I am. He checks my calls on the internet during the day. He times everything so if I am home late he wants to know why. I let him sleep in my bed, and I’ve allowed him to have sex with me but it makes me sick to do it.

After awhile D contacted me. He told me that our time apart was awful for him. I felt such love and excitement hearing from him. I had missed him so much. He said that he loved me more than ever. I love him more than anyone I have ever loved. I started seeing D whenever I could find an excuse to get away from S. We hold hands and kiss and the magic is greater than it ever was.

But S hounds me about everything I do. He intercepts and reads my mail and anything he doesn’t want me to have he takes. He tells me that God has forgiven him so now I have to just “Get over it”. He tells me now I’m the sinner because I love D.

And sometimes I wonder, is S acting this way only because he knows I love D?

I know what I am doing is wrong. At first I thought that if S has really changed that I had to give him another chance. Now I see that even if he does change, this is not the life I want. I want to be with D. But now I feel trapped. Also, S has got himself into great debt – Almost $80,000.00 on credit cards. I feel guilty just leaving him to get out of debt by himself. I feel I should help. I even thought of moving out and letting him live in my house until he gets back on his feet again. D tells me not to do that. D says that S got himself into this. It’s true, S caused and did everything.

Why do I still feel so sorry for him? I just don’t know what to do. I think going to church is such a good thing, but I’m not sure that they are giving me the right advice. I’m so confused. D tells me to pack a bag find a refuge for a while, tell S to leave and not talk to him anymore.

I think the only right thing I’ve done in all this is not to cancel my divorce. I’ve told D that I’m going to do something by the end of the month. I know the right thing to do is tell S to leave and continue my relationship with D. I’m going to try but it is so hard. S cries all the time and begs me not to “throw him away”.

Please give me some advice.

Go back and re-read the begining…

You are not responsible for another person’s decisions or experiences. He is going to have to deal with his own emotions and circumstances. If you feel compelled to help him and that resonates true to you, then help him.

Just don’t do it out of obligation, guilt, or fear.

Summary

It sounds to me like you already know what you’re doing is wrong for YOU…

Follow your heart and do what you feel to be right.
Stop listening to other people who are not on your path. You’ve heard the old saying to walk a mile in another’s shoes before judging them. Well, the fact is that no one has walked in your shoes, including us, and they have no right to tell you what is right or wrong for you.
Stop repeating old patterns and stop punishing yourself for things that others perceive to be wrong. Follow your heart and your passions. Only then will you truly be happy.
It is not your responsibility to make anyone else happy, but it IS your responsibility to make yourself happy.

First, answer this short poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.

Will You Be a Victim This Break-Up Season?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 15 Jan 2007 16:54:50 +0000

Valentine’s Day is just over a month away but according to new research from Yahoo! Personals, Cupid is charting a tricky course for the next few weeks.

The study shows we are now in National Break-Up Season, the period between the December holidays and Valentine’s Day when people are more than twice as likely to think about breaking up than at any other time of the year.

January, with all its focus on resolutions to be healthier, richer, and happier, naturally leads couples to take stock of their relationships and think about whether they are with the right person. Love is in the air alright, but not for everyone…

According to Yahoo!Personals, nearly 4 out of 10 people will reassess their dating life.

"’Find a new love’ is up there with ‘lose weight’ and ‘save more money’ as a New Year’s resolution," said Anna Zornosa, vice president and general manager, Yahoo! Personals. "People tend to ‘put up’ with current relationships in order to have a partner for holiday gatherings, but once the festivities are over it’s time to decide whether to fish or cut bait."

National Break-Up Season affects not only people ending the relationships but also those being left and the friends who will be asked to console and counsel them. Looking at break-ups from all sides of the story, Yahoo! Personals has created a Survival Guide offering advice on how to make a break-up less painful for everyone.

Here’s what you’ll find at http://personals.yahoo.com/breakupguide:

The ultimate guide to beating the break-up blues This helpful guide is jam-packed with tips from psychologists, dating experts and fellow singles to help get that pit out of your stomach, heal the wounds and fill the void.
10 steps to breaking it off Is she too controlling? Is he too aloof? Too allergic to your dog? Whatever the imbalance, we have the official step-by-step guide to ending the drama and the relationship on as high a note as possible.
How to support your friend though the rough patch A shoulder to cry on is a nice place to start. But how do you know exactly what your heart-broken friend needs in order to move on? We have the answers so that you can help.

Click here to read the full press release on Business Wire.

If you do find yourself in the middle of a break up, here are 5 things that we think will help.

Get a journal to vent your pain, anger, and frustration.
Never under estimate of putting your thoughts on paper. It allows to get your feelings out of your head and prevents them from eating you alive from the inside out. It can keep you from saying things to your EX you may later regret. Write out all of those nasty things that you would like to say in your journal instead – you’ll feel just as good and will avoid any unnecessary altercations with your EX.
Don’t try to stay friends – at least not at first…
In the beginning, you both need time to heal and truly get over the relationship. Trying to be friends during this stage, will only cause you to hold on to those old feelings. If you have obligations that require you to stay in contact like children or your job, don’t talk about your former relationship, your new partners, or anything else that you know may be a volatile topic. Keep your conversations relevant to your children or work and away from highly those charged emotional topics.
Delete them from your life.
Delete their phone number from your speed dial, delete all of their emails, cards, and letters. We recommend that you get rid of anything and everything in your home that holds any energy or emotional charge from the relationship. Everything that your keep ties your energy to theirs and will make it very difficult to attract new experiences, and new people, into your life.
Give yourself time to heal.
Don’t jump right into another relationship to fill the emptiness that you may now be feeling. Allow yourself time to experience the pain and feel the anger. Understand that you are not your anger and you are not your sadness. They are just experiences, however intense, that should be welcomed into your life just as much as joy and happiness. We need these experience to grow and to become stronger. The best way to get over something hurtful is to allow yourself to truly experience it. Here is a terrific program that has helped both Dan and I get rid of tons of old emotional baggage: The Sedona Method
Focus on you.
Take the time right after a break-up to examine your life. Get in tough with what’s really important to you. Often in a relationship, especially a long term relationship, our passions and goals get intermingled with our partner’s. Sometimes, we can even forget the things that we really love and enjoy. Here’s a great resource to help you get back in touch with your true passions: The Passion Test

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