Ask Dan and Jennifer » divorce

How To Break Up With A Nice Guy

Michael Freeman — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 23:00:39 +0000

It’s easy to leave someone who hasn’t treated you well: You give them a piece of your mind and then say goodbye. But what if you find yourself in a relationship with a “nice guy”? He’s kind, sensitive, not a game-player or emotionally manipulative, but he just doesn’t “do it” for you.

Deciding You Want To Break Up

Perhaps you’ve decided you’re more into “bad boys,” or maybe you’re just bored, but for whatever reason you want to get out of the relationship. Breaking up with a nice guy takes a little more finesse. The traditional advice holds true: A telephone call generally isn’t appropriate (unless it’s long-distance, or other circumstances demand it). An email isn’t any nicer, and a text message is inexcusable. The only nice way is in person.

Arrange a time to see him so that you can tell him how you feel. Once you’re together, it’s best to say what’s on your mind sooner rather than later. You don’t want to have to fake your feelings or pretend that everything is OK. There’s no easy way to let him know. The words you’ll say will depend on the exact reason you want to leave, but let him know that he deserves someone who wants to be with him with all her heart, but right now that person isn’t you.

Break Up How To

This may be difficult for him to hear. On the other hand, he may have felt the same, but because he is a nice guy, he didn’t have the heart to tell you. If you’re really lucky, he’ll be relieved, and you can relax and start on a journey towards “just-friendship.”

Of course, he may be crushed and feel horrible. Tell him how sorry you are to cause him any pain. If he tells you how much he loves you, ask him if he would be happy with someone who didn’t love him equally. The only reasonable answer is “no.” Most nice guys are great, but for others it’s just a mask behind which they can manipulate people. Watch out for emotional manipulation: attempts to elicit pity, accusations of cruelty and selfishness, or other similar behavior. You can cut him some slack because of his pain, but be careful of taking him back out of sympathy.

If you’re overcome with guilt, relax: We all sign up for the possibility of heartbreak when we enter a relationship. You owe him your honesty, compassion and kindness. You don’t owe him another chance, sex, or anything else that you don’t want. Finally, remember to be cautious about pursuing a friendship – give him a proper amount of time to recover (which will vary depending on the length of the relationship). Here’s a good test: If you think he’d feel bad when hearing about your new boyfriend, you shouldn’t be friends.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Chick In Heels — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 01:24:20 +0000

Recently a good friend of mine asked my opinion on how he could break up with his current squeeze without looking like a total sleezeball. Or… how to break up amicably. It was a bit of a stumbling block for me. I have done a lot of thinking about this one lately – and here was my heartfelt advice.

Do Amicable Breakups Exist?

First off, I think ending a relationship in a completely amicable way means that BOTH parties would have to agree that they could see the end coming. That things just didn’t get along anymore, that it wasn`t a SURPRISE to anyone. And, of course, that they still had positive feelings and thoughts towards one another. To the best of my knowledge, most relationships do not end as ideally as that – if you are able to achieve this phenomenon, then pat yourself on the back. I think it`s a rarity.

So, my advice to my man friend was to attempt to “gently” create situations where his “soon to be ex” could potentially foresee the breakup as a possibility. I suggested he not spend as much time with her and DEFINITELY stop sleeping with her.

If you are still spending time together and still being intimate, how could anyone see a breakup in the making? In other words, if your heart is not in it anymore, don’t continue on as if it was. This is all a precursor to having THE talk – to laying it all out on the line. I for one, would rather see the hazard signs before the finality hit me in the face.

Being Honest Without Causing Pain

Obviously it`s best to be as honest as you can regarding your desire to move on but the key is to do it with by causing as little hurt as possible. For example, if you find you are interested in someone new, be gentle and avoid that topic. Some people are better off if you say less. Others look for reasoning or closure and want to know WHY. It is okay to be real here and say that you just don’t FEEL what you once did and that your heart just isn’t in it any longer.

Of course, no one wants to hear these things but if they are the truth and you are pressed to explain, hopefully this makes this clearer. I believe that everyone deserves to be with the BEST person for them. If your heart isn’t in a relationship any longer then you are not doing your partner any favours by hanging around for their sake.

In fact, being in a situation where you aren’t truly “present” with that person is not fair to anyone. It may help to explain that you know they deserve more then you are willing to give in a relationship. Enhance the positive but be clear enough to state that things are done in your heart of hearts. Once that conversation starts, be prepared to see it through – delaying the inevitable is painful for all involved.

What To Say And What Not To Say….

Another Argument – Here’s What You Can Learn From It

Laurie Weiss — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 19:01:32 +0000

It’s amazing how often conversations between people who truly love each other get totally confused. Most of the couples I work with are in this predicament, regardless of what else is going on.

Sometimes they wait a long time to come for counseling, because one or both of them is scared about what’s going to happen in that mysterious place, the counselor’s office. You may even be wondering about what actually happens in a counselor’s office yourself.

This couple gave me permission to report on their conversations with me. He is a respected professional, and she has been a stay-at-home mom until recently when she took a part-time job. They have two children, a teenager and a nine-year-old.

Good relationships are built and rebuilt one conversation at a time. This is one of the many conversations we’ve had, rebuilding their relationship after they came close to ending it.

The Conversation….

How to Get Rid Of Your Emotional Baggage Before Your Next Relationship

Nick Arrizza MD — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:44:08 +0000

If you’ve been in a relationship before and you’re entering a new one you likely carry the war scars of the last one with you. What are to consequences to you and your new relationship of walking in handicapped?

Well you’re likely feeling a bit defensive, somewhat jaded about the opposite sex and about relationships in general, you’ve likely started to engage in some sort of “game playing” in order to stay safe or to manipulate your new mate, you are unlikely to allow yourself to become too intimate early on or perhaps at all and so on.

What does all this amount to?

Well certainly not a healthy relationship and definitely another failed one!

The Danger of Carrying the Past With You

You see so many individuals who have had unsatisfying relationships in the past actually carry the trauma of these within yet assume that is a normal part of the learning process and never question it.

It has been my experience that this is not unlike a form of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which clearly affects and undermines the person’s ability to achieve a successful, healthy and happy relationship in their future. This is the reason that so many individuals, later in their lives have turned away from the idea of relationship and towards a solitary existence.

Is there a solution to this problem? Absolutely!

Uninstall the Memories of Past Relationships

You see now for the first time it is possible to uninstall the memories of previous unhealthy relationships from the mind/body consciousness. As hard as this is to believe it actually helps to restore one to their original state of purity and authenticity.

This then allows them not only to enter the new relationship feeling more present, open, honest and confident it also gives them a great sense of resilience. The latter is something that few individuals ever have yet the most important component in my view.

The process that uninstalls memories is called the Mind Resonance Process® (MRP) and it is based on a very simple yet powerful principle that I discovered over a decade ago while I practiced as a psychiatrist.

MRP, unlike psychotherapy, unearths and outrightly challenges unconscious beliefs you have stored within you about memories such as a) why they are apparently useful to you, b) why you “think” you can’t release them and most amazingly c) the belief that they actually happened to you.

MRP compares the apparent “usefulness” of having negative memories inside you against what it actually feels like to have them there. This simple yet profound approach can literally help restore one’s relationship life in a very short time as has been witnesses by hundreds of individuals in thousands of sessions.

Can you imagine entering into your next relationship and feeling as exhilarated as if it was the first one all over again? To have such an experience kindly visit my web site for a free consultation.

Love, Sex, and Dating 2008 – The Best of Dan and Jennifer

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:55:32 +0000

Just in case you missed any of the excitement this year, here’s a wrap of 2008!

I’m including our best, most talked about, and most controversial love, sex, and dating topics of the year.

Enjoy!

Love & Relationships

Sex & Intimacy

Singles & Dating

Men Are from Way Farther Away Than Mars!

Maia Berens — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:06:13 +0000

Many of you probably have read the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and many of the rest you have heard things about it if you haven’t read it. Well, I didn’t write it.

But I worked with John Gray for 18 years, wrote workshops and a training based on the Mars Venus stuff and trained over 500 speakers and therapists on how to give those workshops. So I should know about men, right? Well, I know some things about men.

In order to feel loved in a relationship, men need to be trusted. Men need to be accepted the way they are. They don’t want you to try to change them. Men want to be appreciated for what they do.

They also want to be admired, to be regarded by their partner with "wonder, delight and pleased approval". Men also need encouragement so that they become hopeful and courageous to go out and do what they do all over again even when it’s hard.

This is all vintage Mars Venus. You may not agree but the expert says so and the following are how I observe this to be true about the man I live with all these years:

Men Need to be Trusted

One of the most hurtful things I can do is not trust my husband. When he does his household disappearing act like leave, say nothing to me that he’s leaving or where he’s going, he is disturbed by my not trusting that if he were going some place for long or really away, he’d tell me.

After all, he just went to the car for twenty minutes. I shouldn’t be worried that he died somewhere or was captured by other Martians.

Men Need to be Accepted the Way They Are

Now I’m a woman and if my husband tells me lovingly that when we are with other people, I sometimes (or often) interrupt him or finish his sentences and we could have a signal so I know when I’m doing it, that’s cool. I don’t mind. He’s right. I don’t want to be the person who does that.

But in his case, he’d rather I tell him how what he does affects me and trust that he’ll make his own improvements. He doesn’t want me to tell him what to do or how to do it.

Men Want to be Appreciated and Admired for What They Do

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Cheating And Infidelity – Can It Really Be Prevented?

Chick In Heels — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 13:05:19 +0000

I always find it fascinating to hear people discuss infidelity and what could have prevented it or what the cheater ‘should have’ done before stepping outside of their relationship.

Are couples really supposed to think about how to KEEP their partner from cheating or how NOT to cheat?

Do We Really Need to Anticipate Cheating?

The thing about cheating in most cases is, it’s not an anticipated occurrence. I mean, no one gets married or enters into a relationship thinking that they will cheat or that their partner will. So all of the ‘couldda-wouldda-shouldda’ talk seems meaningless to me.

Some experts suggest that the partner who was cheated on did not adorn enough attention or appreciation on the cheater. Other experts solely blame the cheater on breaking their vows or stepping outside of their relationship in greed.

Talking About it Before it Happens

Many tend to agree that couples should sit down and have a discussion at the first sign of trouble or to be open with the other partner about their unhappiness in the relationship prior to having an affair occur. I find that thought wildly unrealistic.

I think if you are at a stage where you have to sit down and have ‘that conversation’ things are already too far gone. Plus, I would bet that there are a very minimal percentage of people who would actually HAVE a conversation like this prior to any affair happening. It just doesn’t happen like that.

As much as we’d like to believe that our partner would ‘at least’ show us the respect of exiting the relationship before a third party interferes, most times, it just doesn’t work that way. The list of what ‘to do’ or what ‘not to do’ when it comes to a faithful relationship is endless.

A true realization of the risk factors to cheating are never fully appreciated until the scope of the reality sets in. In other words, until the cheater is caught or confesses out of guilt. Many men (sorry guys!) have stated that they would indeed cheat if they KNEW for sure they could get away with it.

Unless you can erase your memory, I don’t believe you can ever truly get away with cheating. In most cases, something’s gotta give. Sometimes that will include losing custody of your children, losing your home, losing the person you may have actually loved more.. never truly anticipating that you might be found out.

Does Cheating Really Add Something to the Relationship?

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Should You Stay In A Sexless Marriage? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 19:21:41 +0000

Many marriages go through tough, rocky times. Whether you’re emotionally distant with your partner or you’ve physically stopped being intimate, going through difficult times with your partner can be frustrating and hurtful.

If you and your partner have stopped having sex, whether you’re emotionally distant or not, should you stay in a sexless marriage for the sake of staying in the marriage?

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Staying Together For The Kids

Many married couples believe that it’s better to be unhappy in a marriage and stay together if they have children. They believe that raising their children in a traditional, nuclear family is the best way to go, whether they’re happy as a couple or not.

Many couples will simply grow apart but continue to stay married and live together for the sake of the children? Is this the best idea? Probably not. Married couples that are unhappy, fighting and emotionally divorced have just as much effect on children as physically divorced couples.

No matter what you decide to do, it’s going to have an effect on your children. In fact, it probably already has up to this point. Your biggest decision now is how to proceed. What will impact the children in the most positive way?

If you and your partner are constantly fighting or are so emotionally distant that it appears to your children that you can’t stand each other, there’s really no compelling reason to stay married. Your children will most likely be better off if you’re divorced, spending equal time with happier and more confident parents, even if you are apart.

Why Is The Marriage Sexless?

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I’m Leaving You! Does The Punishment Really Fit The Crime? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:04:40 +0000

If you’ve been in a relationship where you or your partner threaten to leave or end the relationship when you’re angry, you’re not alone. In reality, this is often something people do out of frustration and desperation.

You may not be planning to leave or end the relationship at all, even though you’re angry now.

What causes you to act so extreme?

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Feeling Out Of Control

It’s easy for someone to feel out of control in a situation like that. One partner gets upset, the other gets upset and it goes back and forth, escalating until one or both partners feel completely out of control.

Being extremely angry at your partner can make you feel lost and helpless, and an escalating argument doesn’t help the situation any at all. It simply gets to a point where you feel so out of control of the situation that you want to say something, anything, to gain some control again over what is happening.

Threatening to leave or end the relationship puts you back in control and puts the ball back in your court. Your partner may say, "Fine, leave," however this simply puts you back in the position of feeling out of control.

Arguments between couples often go on and on like this, until one or both partners get enough time and space to resolve the original argument. It might be difficult at that point, however, to even remember what the original argument was about!

Where Does It Come From

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Did Your Marriage Fail Because Marriage is a Flawed Concept or Because You Married the Wrong Person?

Chick In Heels — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 19:22:36 +0000

So… what did you LIKE about being married???

There are so many people out there who can speak on this topic. There are many of us who have had a marriage end in divorce or separation. It’s true, life DOES go on.. but how do those with ‘marriage experience’ under their belts now look upon the topic? I find the question of ‘so, what did you LIKE about being married’ to hold two-part answers..

1. What did you think about your past marriage and

2. What do you believe (now that you are armed with the expertise) about marriage moving forward?

Did You Marry The Wrong Person?

First off, if you are in the position to have freed yourself from the clutches of a marriage gone wrong you likely view the problem as being the person you chose in the first place. For whatever reason, the common theme in most dissolutions of marriage is that the two parts simply did not mix long term.

Which, in turn leads to a million other little issues or problems that eventually drive people to the breaking point. Now, this is not the same thing as putting 100% of the blame onto your ex-spouse. It is ultimately saying that perhaps it wasn’t the concept of marriage as much as the wrong person to take that path with, which is the constant most of us with ‘past’ marriages, can attest to.

Or Is Marriage Just A Bad Concept All Together?

There are those who are simply jaded toward the concept of marriage all together. That one time was enough for them. Since they did not marry the ‘right’ person to go the distance with the first time, they believe marriage is simply not for them.

They look upon marriage with disdain and feel that it is merely a trap and that most marriages either dissolve or that those who stick it out are not usually there because they ‘want’ to be. I believe, people with this point of view are not thinking outside of the box on this one. After all, if you had one bad job would you never take on another one again?

Holding onto angst and blame from a previous relationship only halts you from fulfilling any potential of a new situation. Unless, the person who holds such grief toward the concept of marriage, does not believe in the concept of commitment or monogamy in the first place. Then it’s more the idea of marriage that turns them off and not necessarily the partner.

Serial Brides & Grooms

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3 Common Signs Your Partner May Be Cheating On You

Jim Walthby — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 19:14:33 +0000

An unfaithful husband, cheating wife, any kind of disloyal partner, is an ugly prospect. And that feeling of being betrayed by someone we thought we could trust more than anyone else is one of the worst.

People who discover their partners have been unfaithful to them go through a hurricane of different emotions – anger, sadness, shame, dejection, sometimes even relief. It’s a grieving process, not of a person that’s died, but of a relationship and level of trust that’s instantly disintegrated. In short, it sucks.

But before you can begin “grieve” that loss of trust, or simply throw caution to the wind and ditch your partner for good, you need to make absolutely sure your reaction will be 100% warranted. You need to know without doubt whether your lover has, in fact, double-crossed you by looking for, finding, and partaking in, an affair.

The only guaranteed way of knowing this, aside from finding damning physical evidence or seeing the affair with your own eyes (both pretty rare), is by hearing a confession straight from the horse’s mouth, by communicating your suspicions with your partner and listening to what they have to say however heartbreaking or relieving their response might be.

But before you take that big step, there are a few simpler and smaller steps you can take to make the whole process, the whole “investigation” and confrontation of your partner, easier and more factually accurate.

The first thing you should do is look for some of the most common signs/groups of signs people produce when they cheat. I’ve listed 3 of them below. Read over and think about each and carefully consider if they apply to you, your partner and your relationship.

1. Changes in sex drive and sexual behavior

Sex is almost always an integral part of a happy and healthy relationship between two people. So when one of the two, regardless of whether it’s the guy or the girl, begins to cheat, it doesn’t come as any surprise that changes in the way they feel about having sex with their partner can be brought about. There are two main ways these changes can manifest themselves.

When the cheater initially begins their affair they may, out of guilt and in an effort to avoid the newly formed affair being rumbled, actually increase the amount of attention they pay their real partners in bed. Conversely, and usually a little while after the affair has begun, the cheater may appear to have a loss of sex drive.

They, for some reason, seem to not want to be intimate with you as much as they used to. Once again, this can be attributed to guilt, but more often it’s to do with a fear they’ll reveal their infidelity through they way they behave before, during and after having sex with you.

2. Peculiar changes in habits & schedule

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Still Living In The Past? How To Let Go Of Past Relationships And Be Happy Now…

Dr. Joe Rubino — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 19:26:38 +0000

Does the following scenario remind you of anyone?

Sue was totally in love with Jim. The couple met in high school and dated for eight years. Everyone who knew them expected them to get married and live happily ever after together. Then Jim met Karen. Before anyone knew what was happening, including Sue, Jim had eloped with Karen, putting an end to all of Sue’s dreams and expectations.

Sue was devastated. All she could think about was Jim and how she had been cheated out of a happy and secure lifetime with him.

She attempted to date other guys, but no one could compare to Jim in her eyes. Sue spent her days feeling sorry for herself and dreaming that one day, Jim would return to her.

After many years, Sue finally married another man. However, he could not measure up to Sue’s memory of Jim. As a result, Sue’s marriage was an unhappy one in which she never was able to give her all to her husband. After a number of unhappy years, her husband left Sue as well.

Sue lived out the remaining years of her life lonely, embittered and righteously indignant about how she had been wronged.

You Can’t Have A Happy Relationship In The Present If You’re Still Living In The Past

It is impossible to be totally present to life, living full out in the moment, if we are incomplete with our past. Instead of welcoming each new experience with a fresh perspective, we become bogged down in the baggage from previously unresolved issues. These issues steal our life energy and diminish of self-esteem.

All too often, when something does not work out as we had hoped, we worry about or re-live the event over and over again. Maintaining our focus on the past distracts and confuses us, draining our energy.

With less energy to focus on making the present an exciting passionate adventure, we slip into resignation and begin to see ourselves as limited, ineffective, unworthy, and even unlovable.

The future presents us with an opportunity to complete the past. When we do so, people and events no longer possess an emotional charge.

Communicating responsibly with the appropriate people and releasing any remaining opinions, feelings, upsets or emotions until there is nothing left to say is the access to clearing all residue that may interfere with moving on in life. When there is nothing left to say or do and you are void of further energy around an incomplete incident, you can start anew.

Complete The Past And Start Living Today

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Is There Life After Cheating? Can You Survive An Affair? (Video)

Melody Brooke — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 19:21:53 +0000

No matter how long you’ve been in a relationship, an affair can completely turn your world upside down. Whether you were the cheater or the one who was cheated on, when the affair comes out into the open, it seems like life will never be the same.

Can a relationship survive an affair? What can you and your partner do to work past the affair and become a positive, healthy couple again?

Can a relationship really survive an affair? What’s the secret?

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The Causes Of Affairs

Too often, people view affairs as the problem. In reality, affairs are really not the problem at all. For example, having a runny nose and itchy, watery eyes are not a problem. They’re a symptom of the bigger issue of allergies.

Similarly, affairs are only a symptom of a problem in the relationship. If there are no allergies, there won’t be itchy, watery eyes and runny noses. If there are no problems in a relationship, there won’t be any affairs.

This can be a difficult concept to grasp, especially if you’re feeling victimized, but to begin working past an affair you have to own up to the causes of the affair.

The causes of the affair were unlikely to be "because your partner is a horrible person."The more likely causes of the affair were that there was a problem between you and your partner to begin with.

Once you learn to accept that and own up to it, you and your partner can begin working through the affair.

Stop Feeling Victimized.

If you are the one who was cheated on, it’s normal to feel upset, hurt, betrayed and even victimized. Some people, however, stay in that state of mind for too long following the affair because they’re comfortable in the position of being the victim. Who wants to be the bad guy anyway?

It can be extremely difficult to own up to the contribution to relationship problems, and it’s a lot easier to sit back and feel like the other person did you wrong. You’ll never move past an affair if you continue to let yourself feel victimized. Take some time to think through how both partners contributed to the affair and what the possible problems in your relationships might be.

Solve Your Relationship Problems.

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Coping With Life After the Death of a Spouse

Elaine Williams — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 13:13:07 +0000

A life change from married to widow is not an easy transition. Whether you’re ready or not, a new life takes shape and somehow we must learn to adapt. Some days even the smallest change in our life can sometimes seem like too much to handle.

Once a widow or widower, your life has turned around drastically. Some of the obvious changes:

1.Size of Income

Income is sometimes halved or can even become nonexistent with the death of a spouse.

2. Tax filing status, and the tax implications

It may be appropriate to use an accountant for income tax preparation, especially in the first two years of loss.

3. Socially

When you are no longer part of a couple, friends and acquaintances may not be sure where you fit into the social circle. At times, you’re not sure where you fit in anymore. Don’t be surprised by adjustments, which may mean letting go of old friends. Allow yourself the opportunity to meet new people, when you are ready.

4. Economically

Bills don’t wait for recovery from the death of a loved one. Your children may need daycare and college age children still need books and tuition. There remains the immediate need to buy food, clothing, and everyday essentials.

Children up to eighteen years of age are eligible for social security benefits. As a surviving spouse you may also receive benefits until the youngest child reaches the age of sixteen.

Getting help from a financial planner can be of great benefit in the financial aspects of becoming a widow or widower. Debt can quickly become overwhelming.

5. Family

As the surviving spouse, we do the best in the solo role of mother and father. It helps, especially for young children, to keep life as normal as possible. You’ll find some days are easier than others.

6. Physically

Economic and lifestyle changes can be the most taxing challenges. Stress will rear its head in the oddest of places and circumstances. Take care of yourself in the kindest way possible or you may find it difficult taking care of anything else. Don’t berate yourself for the dirty laundry or the unmowed lawn.

7. Emotionally

The death of a spouse can throw you into an emotional tailspin. Processing grief is individual and it takes time. There is no right or wrong way to approach it. Don’t rush into any major decisions, especially in the first 12 months of loss.

8. Support

It can be helpful to accept help from outside sources; family, friends, grief support groups, therapists. Keeping fears and emotions suppressed can serve to make you ill and perhaps delay the entire grief process. And it is a process.

Try to move slowly through each day, each week. Don’t rush through the terrible feelings, but try to face them head-on, when you can, and release the tears. Yes, some days will be excruciating, but you’ll discover there is still joy to be found.

One day you may awake to find you’re feeling a little better, and perhaps you’ve evolved into a new person; one who is no longer afraid of new challenges as they arise. You may be surprised to discover that remaining open to life gives each of us the opportunity to reach a new normal.

Should I Give My Cheating Man Another Chance? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 19:20:28 +0000

Whether you’re in a brand new relationship or a years old marriage, being cheated on is devastating. The idea of losing a relationship and the person you love can be even more devastating.

Should you give your cheating partner another chance or does it end here?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve had the feeling my bf was cheating on me. I’ve caught him in multiple lies about were he was, why it was taking him hours to get home from work, where his money was going… In the end through checking his voicemail and email I found out that he was cheating. I have even gone so far as to show him the emails and tell him about the voicemails. He still insists that it never happened. I am willing to give him one more chance if and only if he comes clean and is completely honest with me. Am I foolish to think that our relationship can be saved?

–Marie, MA

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Cheating And Apologizing

Everyone makes mistakes, its human nature. It might have happened because your partner was a little too drunk or it might have been a flat out mistake. A person who cheats and it was obviously a mistake may try to hide it, because they’re afraid of what might happen if they’re honest.

When confronted about the cheating, however, this type of person will usually own up to the mistake and apologize for it. In these cases, it can be easier to forgive and forget and give your partner another chance.

Cheating And Lying

On the other side of the coin, there’s the type of person who will cheat, continually even, and deny or lie about it even when confronted with evidence that they’ve been cheating. Even worse is when this person continues to cheat even after they’ve been confronted about it and denied it!

This type of cheater is definitely more difficult to forgive and in some cases, it’s better to move on and find a new relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to own up to their mistakes and promise to be honest and move past the cheating, there’s really no way you can forgive them.

How can you forgive someone who isn’t sorry or who won’t even stop cheating? This is something you really have to think about on your own and figure out what you can live with. This type of cheater is generally the type that is considered "once a cheater, always a cheater."

Giving A Cheater Another Chance

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Why You Should ALWAYS Pay Attention to Your Inner Feelings When You Meet Someone

Dr. Margaret Paul — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 11:15:22 +0000

A friend of mine recently said to me, somewhat in awe, “I’m just discovering that energy is everything!”

Right, it is, but what does this mean, exactly?

What Is Energy Exactly?

Our energy is the frequency, or vibration, that automatically emanates from our being, and is a result of our intention. Each of us is always radiating energy. Energy operates on a continuum from extremely negative to wonderfully positive, and reflects our intent from an extremely unloving controlling intent to an extremely loving intent.

Whenever our intent is to protect ourselves with some form of controlling behavior, our energy is of a low frequency – heavy, dark, difficult to be around. Whenever our intent is to be loving and to learn about love, our energy is lighter and easier to be around. Learning to discern the differences in our own and others’ energy is very important regarding being loving to ourselves.

Understanding Energy in Regard to Relationships

Let’s take an example. Richard, 28, fell in love with Rachael, also 28, an extraordinarily beautiful woman with a winning smile. Richard is a very kind, caring and compassionate person who tends to be a caretaker. Richard believed that everyone was basically like him, kind and caring.

Richard also believed that anyone this beautiful on the outside must also be beautiful on the inside. Instead of caring enough about himself to discern who Rachael really was, Richard allowed lust to determine his decisions and married Rachael.

In time he discovered that Rachael was a really hard, cold and calculating woman, who was really in the marriage to be taken care of financially. The marriage eventually ended in a difficult divorce, with Richard losing much financially.

Had Richard tuned into Rachael’s energy instead of being dazzled by her looks, he would have quickly discovered that Rachael came from fear and neediness, not from caring and kindness. Had he been willing to go within to his own inner, feeling experience of Rachael, he would have known that she was operating from a much lower frequency than he, and was not a good match for him. Had he been willing to experience Rachael with his heart and soul, rather than his mind and genitals, he would have known that she was not for him.

Pay Attention to Your Feelings

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How Dating Is Different After Divorce Or The Death Of A Spouse…

Elaine Williams — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 13:29:28 +0000

Is there a difference in dating after loss of a spouse or following a divorce? Each occurrence is a major life change, subject to emotions of loss and anger or perhaps betrayal and abandonment.

Some who have lost a spouse may argue that death is worse, being final and out of your control, while divorce is a choice. I disagree.

How Death & Divorce Are Similar

If the spouse you love has divorced you, the choice has been taken away from you, similar to losing someone to death. You also have the added complication of perhaps feeling as if you’ve been thrown away, an understandably devastating experience.

I have experienced both divorce and death, and the aftermath in each instance is neither pretty nor painless. Aftershocks in each case can be experienced years later.

Both situations involve pain. Does death hurt more than divorce? When you lose the person you love, however that occurs, it is a permanent wound on the heart. Loss of any kind is never easy.

Dating After Death or Divorce

Dating after major life changes such as divorce or death, many times holds the same difficulties and rewards. One thing remains the same irrespective of your previous relationship status; dating again after being in a long term relationship means taking your time and re-entering the dating world with the mindset of proceeding slowly.

Start a relationship with no expectations other than starting as friends and see what may develop. If the relationship doesn’t enhance your life, be prepared to move on.

If you’ve lost your spouse and are considering dating, you have to be mindful of not falling into a trap where you’re looking for an exact replica of your previous partner. Your loss has changed you, so you’re no longer the same person with the same needs.

Divorce can carry its own burden of loss and changes. In the aftermath of divorce or death, neither life experience should be rushed through or downplayed. Both take time and energy in which to heal.

After the death of a spouse, there’s a period of time where you may be unwilling to allow another person into your life. Emotionally, you’re on an up-and-down swing with the grief process, and adding another facet to your life such as a new partner is sometimes untenable. If you’ve been out of dating for many years, expect dating to have changed.

Be Sure You’re Ready to Date

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Is The Marriage Brand Under Attack? Take The Poll!

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 13:22:58 +0000

A recent study conducted by the Parents Television Council reveals American television depiction of marriage is getting the short end of the stick compared to sexual imagery describing the "joys" of extra-marital sex, BDSM, swinging, and the like.

Such references, according to PTC, outnumber marital sex 3:1.

So? What’s Wrong With That?

So why is a study like this rubbing me the wrong way? Because this study is nothing short of a scare tactic trying its best to get viewers ashamed of themselves from ever talking about any sexual issues couples, married or not, are talking about in the real world.

"Why do you want to go down this road? Come back to marital sex; come back to the traditional and the true." I wish we all could but judging by the recent divorce rates, the number of struggling marriages nationwide, and the number of extra marital affairs in the news and in private the marriage brand is looking pretty worn and dusted instead of new and busted.

How Does Society Affect The Marriage Bed?

Again the age old question of does television affect society or is society affecting television comes into play. We see how today many couples and singles are talking about everything from sex toys to an occasional "booty call". In suburbia, we see couples mowing their yard and taking their kids to soccer practices all the time.

However, these same couples are out at the strip clubs or “swapping” with their neighbors when the sun goes down. Also in suburbia, the drama of couples making up and breaking up happens much more frequently (and without a Hollywood script) than on Wisteria Drive among the ladies from Desperate Housewives.

Marriage Statistics

In putting this story together one study from 2005 (from the New York Times) finds 51% of women are living without a spouse, up from 35%. The 2005 study also found married couples becoming the minority instead of the majority.

For the PTC blaming television of the ill news about marriage is both asinine and thoughtless. Or, to put it in the popular vernacular, it’s sounds like a "you" problem not a "we" problem.

The idea of marriage not getting a fair shake on television is ludicrous! Marriage for years is portrayed as the "cure all" to all sexual issues and lustful intentions. Someone forgot to tell those proponents it shouldn’t be used as a stop gate to begin with.

To blame television as the "ill" maker of society has more to do with the lack of creativity on the part of television executives and in Hollywood (i.e.–reality television) cheapening the airwaves with fast food programming then families and couples going through the struggles and challenges of everyday life.

The Real Problem

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Divorced After 23 Years – How Do I Move On? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 15:41:21 +0000

It’s difficult when any relationship ends, whether you’re the one who ends it or not.

It can be especially difficult if the relationship has lasted for several years, even twenty or more years. If you’re not the one who broke it off, being on the losing end of a break up or divorce can be a tough thing to handle.

How do you begin moving on? Where do you start?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We have 2 kids and were married for 23 years and suddenly she asked me to leave and said it’s over. We’re now divorced and she’s dating again. Now she acts like she hates me.

All these questions torment me. I need answers. How do I move on when she won’t even talk to me?

– 19bluesdaddy59

Wait! Give this Video 5 Stars and Subscribe Today so you don’t miss a single video.

The only thing you can control is yourself.

If your partner is the one who ended things with you, you probably feel rejected and out of control. You may want to find out why they left you or what went wrong. Your partner, however, may not be ready to give these answers to you and even more likely, they don’t know the answers either.

The truth is, you can’t control anyone but yourself. You can’t make your partner take you back, you can’t make them tell you why they left and you can’t make them act the way you want them to.

You can, however, control how you react to the situation. You can be petty and vindictive if you choose, but you can also be calm and forgiving too. Only you can choose how you act towards the situation. It will be more difficult to move on, however, if you choose to be vindictive or if you harbor ill feelings and anger towards your partner for ending things.

If you choose to take the higher road and work through your feelings of anger and ultimately let them go, it will be easier to move on.

Working through your anger.

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How To Break The Communication Gridlock And Save Your Marriage

Melody Brooke — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 13:06:46 +0000

As a child I heard that “children are best seen not heard” so often I never spoke up in public about anything. We are taught to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves from an early age.

Gender differences in communication

Girls are taught subtly in the classroom to keep their ideas to themselves.

There was a study done years ago (sorry, I don’t recall the source) where they counted the number of times girls were called upon in class to boys, and the number of times girls were punished for speaking out of turn as opposed to boys. This study revealed that girls are called upon less, and punished for speaking out of turn more.

Boys, of course are taught to hide their feelings from toddlerhood. Our culture doesn’t even allow boys to learn the words for feelings. Then, older boys, fathers, brothers, teachers, and coaches shame them if they show any sign of having a feeling other than happiness or anger.

So it’s no wonder communication is so hard for us. Yet those of us who can overcome our difficulties with communication are the best equipped for any career and have far more financial and social success.

Environmental effects on communication styles

For myself, my “dysfunctional family” further complicated all the cultural edicts against communication. I learned to keep secrets, to protect others from my feelings (I didn’t want anyone to know how badly I hurt because then I would have to tell them why), and to try to guess what others wanted from me since they wouldn’t come out and tell me.

Coming into a marriage with this kind of baggage at age 43 and a history of two failed marriages did not bode well from my new partner. Yet he took the gamble (Yea!) and I think it has paid off for both of us.

To get to good communication from the very beginning we had to fight a number of difficulties.

First, I was phobic of his anger (anger in my family meant someone would get abandoned or hurt) and because of his own Self-Protector mode anger was his primary emotion. Second, I hid my real feelings because of how I had been trained as a child.

The first year of our marriage was turbulent and extremely painful at times. It was a good thing we were so crazy about each other or we could never have survived it!

Overcoming communication difficulties

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