Ask Dan and Jennifer » domination

When Domination Goes Wrong

Michael Webb — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 18:00:18 +0000

Domination can be fun during sex, but there’s times where it crosses the line. Are you the kind of guy that can be too rough during sex? Find out now!

Do Men Go Overboard On Purpose?

Though not really wishing to hurt or disrespect his partner, he’s just one sold to the image of a man holding his girl by the head, shoving his equipment down her throat during a blowjob. He doesn’t mean to be a pig, he just thinks it’s supposed to be that way and actually hopes his lady loves it! Not hearing any real grievances from her, he gives her a rough time.

There’s this idea that women want their men to dominate – that women want to be sexually led. I have found this assertion to be very true.

Of course, a woman wants her man to assume control. Dominance themes populate a woman’s fantasies and she cherishes the feeling of being overwhelmed, overpowered and unable to restrain her man’s carnal cravings. She wants her partner to take her, bring her unimaginable pleasure and have his way with her body. Many times, the desire for this is repressed.

Unfortunately, the manner in which many guys administer dominance, as a response to this need, suggests only a partial understanding of the concept. For many, real control is manifested when one makes a girl do something she doesn’t approve of – say, an almost impossible sex position. Or making her swallow semen even though she genuinely doesn’t want to. For them, that’s power.

What Women REALLY Want

But do you know what women actually mean when they say, “I want my man to take control”?

This: I WANT MY MAN TO TAKE CARE OF ME.

So while men gloat, “Wow, she wants me to take the lead, I can do anything I want,” women are thinking, “I just really want him to take good care of me.”

Can their thinking be more opposite?!

Being given control is no license to be unreasonable, for dominance never equals disrespect. Control need not be rude or abusive, it can be dignified and erotically irresistible at the same time. Yeah, you can probably do anything you want, but be responsible.

She gave you control in the first place because she trusts that you know what you’re doing. Leading the mattress moves gives one the opportunity to prove her right on that decision. (Why would you ever want to prove her wrong on that point?)

Every now and then, a woman craves the feeling of being roughed up. Even the non BDSM types want that. But lo and behold, rough and hard is just one of the ways. Having it as a pattern and the sole sexual theme is actually counterproductive. When you’re giving her intense anal sex, with your hands on her neck and she’s thinking, “There has to be something better than this,” that’s already something else.

How To Do Domination The Right Way

If you want to execute the dominance theme on a given night, and with the desired results, make sure of one very important thing. The proper execution of rough & hard hinges on this – HIGH AROUSAL. Not just simple arousal, but head-spinning desire, ushered in by plenty of teasing. When she’s burning with lust, that’s when rough sex can get you the desired effects. (Ironically, a successful execution of dominant sex is built through slow and gentle coaxing.)

As I’ve said, the longing to be dominated is a repressed one, and women are scarcely aware of it. What brings this impulse to surface and fore is high arousal. Unless a girl is intensely excited, she’ll be turned-off and take offense with the perceived manhandling. She won’t appreciate your overly aggressive moves; you’re being too rough with her. But when she’s burning hot, she sheds that rational, defensive normalcy of polite society and becomes very amenable to your advances.

It’s amazing how sexual palatability changes when a woman is crazy horny. Arousal gives leeway for your dominance so you can execute it with the desired results. (She may give ‘token resistance,’ but this doesn’t last very long.)

Rough and hard cannot be executed on a nightly basis as it will rapidly lose its charm – the true masters of wild sex know this. Avoid the routine trap, having it as a pattern turns one raw lover into an incompetent jerk.

What Does She Mean When She Says “Be Gentle?”

We have no scale for it, but there’s such a thing as MAN GENTLE and WOMAN GENTLE – and there’s a big difference. Gentle for you may still be rough for her. MAN GENTLE is not enough – it’s the wrong yardstick.

Why?

In case you didn’t know, men and women live in different worlds. The sensual-gentle approach does not blend in our dog-eat-dog world where we are expected to be strong and aggressive. Outside the love chambers, guys are encouraged to be rough. Gentle is lame. As cowboys, we’re highly applauded for wrestling with bulls. As business men, we vanquish the competition. As athletes, we learn to give the most punishing defense, and in return, earn multimillion dollar contracts.

And of course, women love these exploits. But they don’t live in that kind of world.

In order to approximate the female version, a man has to be extra-mild & extra-careful because the genders have different thresholds, and therefore, different judgments of what is supposed to be this or that. It is a common situation where a girl feels roughed up despite a dude’s best efforts. It should be made clear that every time she drops the “G” word on you, she’s referring to the female version of things.

4 Kinky Rough Sex Ideas

Kendall Ashley — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 14:00:54 +0000

Rough sex can turn a boring bedroom experience into something that both you and your partner look forward to. Rough sex is kinky and fun, but safety has to be taken into consideration before anything can be implemented.

A relationship is about love, but your sex life should be full of lust. If you would like to use some kinky rough sex in your sex life, there are a few ways that you can implement it without spending your mortgage at an adult store.

1. Role-Play

Role-play is fun, kinky and it doesn’t have to cost you a dime. Everybody has a scenario in their head about role-playing that gets them going. Whether you have a fantasy about being dominated by a teacher or being the dominator in the relationship, role-playing can bring out the inner wild with any couple. Talk to your partner about implementing role-playing into your sex life.

In order for this to work, she has to be on-board. If she does not play her role the both of you could spend the night in laughter instead of having sex. Ask her what kind of role-playing she would be into. Every woman has a fantasy that they want to play out so be confident that she will not think you are strange for bringing this up.

2. Domination

Domination is another rough sex idea that you can bring into your sex life. Dominating your girlfriend or having her dominate you is a great way to keep the sex interesting. Pulling her hair can show that you’re in control of the sex. Again, she has to be comfortable with this situation in order for it to work.

Talk to her about how far she wants you to go or how far you are comfortable with her going. There is always a breaking point, but she might surprise you with how far she is willing to go with the situation. Most guys are not afraid to let their girlfriends dominate them to the fullest, but you should also express concerns of what you’re comfortable with her doing to you.

3. Spanking

Spanking is another rough sex idea that you can use. Spanking is usually done in doggy style or with the girl on top. Some girls are really into this, but others are not. Make sure that your girlfriend knows that you’re going to spank her before you do it.

Do not spank her so hard that you leave a hand print on her cheek. If she wants it harder she will tell you. You can also use a whip if she’s into it. This takes the experience to a whole different level while still keeping the eroticism present.

4. Bondage

One of the best kinky rough sex ideas out there is to have her tie you up or to tie her up. When you are tied up you give away control of the situation. You give her the ability to use you as her own sex toy. This can be very hot for any guy. If you are going to tie her up, there are a few things that you should know. First, teasing her is the best way to get her off when she’s tied up. Use a vibrator to tease her or run a piece of soft fabric down her body.

This will bring her to edge and make her beg for you to go further. Secondly, don’t give her what she wants until you are ready to. When you tie her up you are in control. You are the dominant one in the situation so you call the shots. If she wants you to do something, tease her for a couple of minutes before you give in. Make minutes seem like hours and she will never forget it.

Domination 101 – The Basics

Kendall Ashley — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 23:00:54 +0000

Domination is something that is enjoyed by millions of people around the world. It is usually associated with whips, chains, leather and latex. Although these can be a part of this sex activity, the concept is more of an emotion than a physical object. Using a black leather whip and beating somebody to death is not the purpose of it. One of the biggest issues with this is safety. Making sure that you and your partner are safe and comfortable is critical to having a good experience in the bedroom. If you have an interest in domination, there are a several things that you should know beforehand. Here is a short guide to help you out.

What Is Domination?

Domination is a very basic term. You have probably already experienced this and didn’t even know it. The dominant partner is the one who is steering the experience. The antithesis of dominance is submission. If you tend to steer the experience or initiate sex more often then you are the dominant one in the bedroom. This is much different than the other aspects of your relationship. One of you could be dominant in the bedroom but submissive with everyday decisions like where to eat. The more dominant person in bed will be the one who changes the positions or sets the pace for the sexual rhythm.

The Appeal

There are a lot of reasons that people are into this. For some people with high paying jobs or social anxiety it’s easier to allow somebody to make all of the decisions for them. Giving away control is one of the biggest turn-ons for people who are into it. When you are making decisions all day, having somebody come in and tell you what to do is a change of pace that takes your mind off the pressures of work, school or other aspects of your life. Domination is an aspect of every part of society. It doesn’t matter who you are, you always answer to somebody. Having someone answer to YOU in the bedroom is an erotic way of letting loose and relieving the pressures of life.

Safety Matters!

When people first start out, they usually don’t take safety as seriously as they should. Safety is an essential part of every sexual experience, but it’s especially important with domination. Sex has a way of escalating. When you are comfortable with one aspect of sex you or your partner might try to implement something that you aren’t ready for simply because you’re caught up in the moment. Take precautions by implementing a safe word. A safe word is something that you would not normally say in the bedroom. “Falcon” is an example that could be used because you would probably never say this in the middle of sex. When you or your partner says the safe word you will know that they are uncomfortable with the situation or that they are in pain.

Trust Is Important

Trust is another issue with this, as you must trust your partner to not take the experience too far. Many people get off on finding a stranger to dominate them, but this isn’t recommended. Having a loving relationship with a little kink in the bedroom is healthy. Meeting somebody on Craigslist to tie you up and spank you incessantly is not a recommendation to endorse. Make sure that your partner are comfortable with everything by talking about it beforehand. Find out what they are not comfortable with so you know before you have sex. This is also a way to find out what really turns them on.

It is a great way to easily add a little spice to your relationship. It’s only natural for one partner to be more dominant than the other in the bedroom. If you or your partner is more dominant and it turns you on, talk to your partner about exploring the possibility of taking the dominance to the next level. There are very simple forms of domination that can be effective without the use of straps or whips. Holding your partners hands down or light spanking in the moment are effective without being too “out there.”

It’s important to remember that we experience domination every day through work and other aspects of our life. Getting off on it doesn’t make you strange. Bringing your fantasies to the forefront of your relationship can improve communication and your sex life. Talk to your partner about implementing more of this into your sex life and you will see a vast improvement in your closeness.

5 Hot Sex Moves (For Bad Girls ONLY!)

Rochelle Stavi — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 18:00:58 +0000

Hot sex is created only when you’re willing to get a little naughty. If you want to be BAD, check out these hot sex suggestions – they’re on FIRE!

The common saying “a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets” is the kind of woman that every man is after. He wants someone with that wholesome exterior so he can take her home to mom and get the seal of approval. However, once mommy is out of the equation, he wants that same woman to be able to turn it on in the bedroom and give him pleasure so good, it should be illegal.

If you are usually the good girl in all dimensions of your relationship, including bedroom play, have you ever thought of kicking things up a notch? Wouldn’t you like to be bad? Every woman likes a bad boy, so doesn’t every woman want to be a bad girl? If you are going to go ahead with reading then you better be prepared to be bad.

During sex and when you are feeling extra naughty, there are five hot sex tricks that will easily send your man over the edge. If you thought you were able to give him an explosive orgasm before, wait until you unleash these tips on him.

1. Scratching

When your man is on top of you in the missionary position, a good girl might lie there and take it, caressing his back occasionally and not doing much else. If a bad girl is getting it in the missionary position, she is going to use her free hands to her advantage. Men like it rough because men are built tough. They can handle a little pain and it usually translates into pleasure. To be bad during hot sex, use those nails and scratch him down his back. The pain will transfer into a tingly sensation down his entire back, sending chills throughout his whole body, making him way harder inside of you.

2. Biting

The same goes for using your teeth in the bedroom. Of course, you don’t want to take things too far and draw blood but a little nibble is always appreciated. Biting on his ear lobe while moaning into it will give him that little boost of pleasure and pain. Biting on his bottom lip after kissing him passionately will give him that same feeling. If you think we can handle it, take things a step further and bite his nipples slightly. A man’s nipples are actually more sensitive than a woman’s so do be careful but still be bad.

3. Light Choking

While you are on top, riding your man in the cowgirl position and after you scratch him with your nails, move your hands up to his neck and choke him a little. Now, be careful with this because you don’t want to take it too far. You only want to give him that little sense of “I am in control” and that he is helpless beneath you. You don’t want to obstruct his breathing so lightly wrap your fingers around his neck and gently squeeze. Even if it is a small sensation for him, he will totally think it’s hot and kinky. Bonus!

4. Work Your Hips

When good girls have sex, they don’t get into that deep grind and really give it to their men. If you are going to hone in on your inner bad girl, then you need to work those hips. While on top, good girls will lightly bounce up and down, putting on a show more than feeling pleasure. Good girls will do what they think benefits their man more. Bad girls are the opposite. Bad girls are going to do everything they can to make sure THEY have an orgasm. When you are on top, learn to move your hips in a different motion. Get on top of him and grind on him in deep, sensual circles. You will know it is working and that you are taking your sex level to a whole new level by the look on his face.

5. Expose Yourself

Good girls tend to hide themselves in the bedroom but bad girls are so carefree and they want to be seen. Have hot sex with the lights on or in a nicely lit room. Let your man see all of you and that means ALL of you. Let him take you from behind, spread your cheeks and see everything. Men are visual and they need to have that stimulation. If you give it to him in this sense, you will be surprised to see just how fast he ejaculates. Seeing what is going on makes all the difference to him. Put your shyness away because you are a bad girl now.

Now, get on with your bad self and show your man a whole new side of you tonight. That is, if you dare.

Best Kink, Fetishes & BDSM Articles Of 2011

Kaylen Jackson — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 14:00:35 +0000

Kink, BDSM and fetishes are becoming more popular as people are indulging their “dark sides.” More and more couples are looking to kinky sex in an effort to spice up their sex lives, while other players are simply seasoned lovers of BDSM and kink. Check out our favorite naughty articles of the year and have fun trying out all the tips!

Don’t miss out on our all time, most popular BDSM, kink and fetish articles!

We’ve also had a lot of fun this year trying out different sex toys – we’ve been reviewing them so we can give you the lowdown on what toys are super hot and which ones are definitely not. Take a few minutes to check out our favorites for bondage, domination or just plain kinky sex!

Under The Bed Restraint System (our personal favorite for beginner’s bondage play!)
The Rhino Penis Extension & Sexual Solution (Great if she likes that “full” feeling, or deep and hard penetration)
Petite Vibrating Nipple Teasers (these warm up and vibrate, but are made for small nipples – also can be used for the clitoris!)

6 Ways To Be The Alpha Male She CRAVES

Shawna Lenee — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 17:00:38 +0000

Sex tips show you what techniques to use, but they won’t matter if you’re a wuss who asks permission to do anything. Here’s how to be the ALPHA MALE she wants!

There are a lot of ways to be authoritative with your girl. Here are six you can use to get on the right track, tonight!

Take Charge!

These sex tips start right from the beginning. Don’t ASK for sex. Just make your move! YOU must lead the interaction. Here’s a great way to show her you’re in control: Once you have her turned on, naked, and ready to go, tell her she isn’t ready yet. Tease her, and show her she has to beg for it before you will give it to her.

Then have her get in the positions you want, tell her what to say – just make sure you are leading!

Make her orgasm on your command. When she is getting close, say to her you want her to come for you, or say she isn’t allowed to climax until you say it’s OK. Then keep doing her hard and make her wait for your okay.

Use Dirty Talk

The whole authority thing backfires if you proceed to have silent sex with your girl!

Start early. If you’re meeting up with your girl later, call or text her ahead of time and tell her you’re going to do naughty things to her. Tell her she’d better be ready. Don’t know what to say once you are all over each other? Start by just describing what you’re doing, then let her know what you’re about to do to her.

Say what positions to get into. Make to talk dirty to you, but save the “I Love You’s” for another day! (Or right afterwards to show her that you LOVE how dirty and nasty she was just for you, but you still cherish and love her).

Do It Hard!

You can’t be authoritative if you aren’t giving it to your girl hard, plain and simple. Save the sensitive love-making for another time. You have to put me in positions that are good for this – doggy style is GREAT for this!

But don’t confuse hard with fast. You don’t have to be pounding away like a jackhammer – just full, hard, and deep.

You can also gently but firmly pull her hair from the back near the roots, slap her lightly on the ass, throw her onto the bed, “mock” rip her clothes off with your teeth!

Use Authority Through The Whole Experience

Use dirty talk and she will love it.

Do her hard and she will love it.

But do ALL of these things – and watch her totally lose control and come over and over at your command!

It’s All Relative

Authoritative for one couple might be completely different from authoritative for another couple. If you have been ignoring great sex tips, having boring, quiet, missionary sex, with the lights out for the last 15 years – you have to be careful not to do too much too soon. This can make her uncomfortable and ruin the experience.

So start out slow if you have to. As you both get more comfortable you can keep adding to the authority and having more and more fun!

It’s Not The Same As Being Mean

Authority is all about being in charge, and telling the girl what you want. It’s NOT about degrading her, making her feel uncomfortable, or being too serious. One of my favorite things is when a guy is authoritative in a playful way. It’s more about him knowing that I enjoy him being in charge, that he’s not afraid to tell me what he wants, and that I can just safely give in to him.

Remember, authority is one of the best ways to get and keep a woman 100% sexually satisfied.

Many men have told me JUST these sex tips have changed their entire sex lives! And taken them from clumsily messing around and “hoping for the best” in the bedroom to confidently giving their women orgasm after juicy orgasm – whether it’s their very first time with a girl, or someone they’ve been with for years!

How Being ‘Nice’ In Bed Is MEAN To Your Girl!

Shawna Lenee — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 17:00:56 +0000

Sex tips can take you from being “ho hum” in the sack to being incredible! Here are some great sex tips on how to be the ALPHA MALE she really wants!

It always amazes me at just how many men think that the key to giving a woman great sex is to just be sweet in the bedroom. I’m talking about asking her what she wants, asking her how she is doing, asking her if she’s “there” yet, so on and so forth.

Well fellas, have I got some news for you -

Women are not attracted to WUSSIES in the bedroom!

No sir! We don’t want a guy who asks us what to do and takes orders like a puppy. We want a man who isn’t afraid to pin us down and throw us around and literally ROCK our worlds!

Now, I’m not saying you should be a “jerk” when you are having sex, I but I DO mean that you need to be authoritative and IN CHARGE! This definitely extends to your dating and relationship life as well, but for the purpose of rapid sexual improvement, I want to show you right now how to use authority in the bedroom and LEAD your woman to stronger orgasms!

It’s All About Being A Man

You see, when you start asking questions and catering to your woman, her sexual attraction towards you instantly shuts off. I don’t mean to get too ” biological” on you, but think about this – women are naturally drawn to men who are leaders and protectors. In caveman days, woman would go after the strongest man, the leader of the tribe. A.K.A. – the guy who would hunt down the prey and clobber any enemies.

I know, I know, your mother and your sister tell you you should be courteous to women. And you should! But in the bedroom, what we REALLY want is the same guy that in the caveman days would be leading the hunt.

How To Take Charge

Tell us how turned on you are
Doing us HARD! (there, I said it!)
Using sex positions in which you have TOTAL CONTROL! Such as “doggy style” (which is often our favorite position – we love it because we feel like we are being “taken”!)
Having us go down on you and be there for YOUR pleasure!

I’m in no way saying make your woman do anything she isn’t comfortable with (that goes for you too).

But what I AM saying is your woman is going to be most turned on when you:

Do not ask what position to use and INSTEAD grab and her put her into it!
Lightly pull her hair during doggy style and give her ass a little slap.
Talk dirty on occasion and ravish her – and yes tell her what panties to wear!
Set up romantic evenings that you plan without asking her what she wants (Here’s a hint: “Romance” is her feeling that YOU know what she wants EVEN BETTER than she does)

The whole point of this note is to open your eyes that when you stop being “too sweet” to your woman in bed, and start taking authority and taking CONTROL, you will be pleasantly surprised by how much she likes it… AND how much easier it is for her to have intense, mind-blowing orgasms!

Watch Her Be Completely Submissive To You!

Once you start, don’t be surprised if SHE takes it the next level by telling you to do her harder, or being COMPLETELY submissive to you and even having an orgasm on your command! The next step is trying this stuff out – you won’t know just how powerful it is until you start doing it!

How To Turn Her On By Just Touching Her Hair!

Michael Webb — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 23:00:39 +0000

Foreplay is an essential first step to great sex with a woman, but did you know you could arouse a woman just by fondling her hair?

Hair plays a significant role in most cultures. Elaborate wigs were introduced as a sign of social status in 17th century Europe. Geishas spent years learning how to create intricate styles that reflected their success.

In the 1960s men grew their hair long as a sign of rebellion, and then in the 70s women cut theirs short when androgynous was the style. In the new millennium, almost every actress and model uses hair extensions to create flowing, Lady Godiva locks. With hair so much at the forefront of our consciousness, it’s a wonder that it’s so widely overlooked as a tool for erotic pleasure.

Whether it’s long, short, curly, straight, light, or dark, your woman probably has hair. In fact, it was probably one of the first things you noticed about her. Since then, you may have begun to view it as that thing that gets in your mouth when you’re making out and chokes you during sex. Well, it’s time to reclaim the hair as a source of pleasure! Here are a few tricks you can use to amp up the eroticism.

Be Gentle And Sweet

Brush the loose hairs out of her face when kissing her. There doesn’t actually have to be anything there, but the gesture shows that you are considerate of her. Feeling valued by you is key to her physical attraction to you. If you show that you’re paying attention to her welfare, even in minutia, she will feel closer to you, and therefore happier to let you get inside her.

Use her locks to tickle her face, neck, and wherever else you can reach. Slow and light caresses with the ends of her hair will both relax and entice her. It will mimic the feeling of being stroked with a feather. But don’t let her have all the fun. Have her do the same to you, only she’s not limited to just your upper body.

Moving Towards Being More Aggressive

Go ahead and pull it! Now, before diving right in and taking a handful, double-check with your partner to make sure there’s no weave action you may be yanking out. When you’re passionately kissing, grab a handful at the base of her head. Yank it back, and kiss her neck. Make sure this is firm but gentle.

You don’t want to pull any hairs out, as that will interrupt the erotic energy. Also, if you’re inside, or even hitting it from behind, go ahead and yank on her mane. Make sure you know your girl well before attempting this move. If she has any issues with dominance, she may feel degraded. However, if she has dominance fantasies, that one will send her over the edge and straight to orgasm!

Bondage 101: What Every Player Needs To Know!

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 14:00:33 +0000

Bondage is a sexual practice that involves restraints and the immobilization of a submissive partner for sexual gratification. Although it can be done for art, as in the case Shibari (Japanese rope bondage), but it is largely practiced during sex. It can be done with a number of mediums, including handcuffs (of both the metal and fuzzy variety), rope, Japanese silk rope, masks, gags and more.

Why Is It So Popular?

Bondage is popular for many different reasons. For some, the act of tying their lover up or being tied up is in some way liberating. Part of the appeal is that there are two very different roles required to make it happen – the dominant one, or the “top” and the submissive one, or the “bottom.” People are naturally inclined to be either a little more submissive or a little more dominant – and whichever role they seem to lean towards appeals to their inner desires in a bondage scenario.

How To Introduce It To A Nervous Partner

If someone who really enjoys the bondage and fetish world lands in a relationship with someone who has never tried it before, it can be quite nerve wracking. The partner with expertise in the area often wonders how to introduce their fantasies to their newbie lover, and they are of course, terrified of scaring them off or freaking them out.

The best way to introduce any type of sexual fetish, including bondage, to a person that has never tried it before is to start small and work your way up. Don’t bring in a huge ball gag and frightening looking metal cuffs for the first time.

Try a little light restraining with something benign like fuzzy handcuffs. Pair the restraint scenario with a favorite sexual activity of theirs that you know they absolutely love – like oral sex. Associating something new with something they already love sexually is a great way to put a positive spin on something that could otherwise be really “outside their box.”

As your partner gets more and more into it, you can talk to them about their fantasies (you’ll definitely want to give them the opportunity to express and act out their own sexual fantasies too) and gradually work your way up to whatever level of restraint you and your partner are most aroused by and comfortable with.

Experimenting With Restraints During Sex & Masturbation

Lovers of bondage as well as those who are new to it can play during sex with a partner or alone, during masturbation. While restraint scenarios are much easier to get into when there’s a partner involved, singles don’t have to give up their BDSM lives during their singledom just because someone else isn’t there to tie them up. Try wearing a ball gag or handcuffs during masturbation.

There are also lots of great places to meet fellow bondage and fetish enthusiasts, especially if you live in a larger city. If you’re single and are either looking for a romance with a dom or sub, or just want to engage in some casual play, there are tons of resources out there.

How To Get Started

If you’re new to bondage, whether you’re interested in experimenting with it on your own or have a partner that wants to get you into it, it can be a little intimidating getting started from scratch. Your first order of business is to invest in a few good tools of the trade. A basic silk rope or a restraint kit is perfect for beginner’s arm and leg restraint. A feather tickler and a paddle are also fun ways to get started with pain and pleasure play.

What’s New In Bondage & Fetish?

There is always something new and exciting in bondage & fetish, because the whole idea is to push the boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn’t. BDSM enthusiasts are always trying to push the envelope, so there’s always something different to find.

Recent adult films and many fetish-centric websites show some of the never before seen, don’t-try-this-at-home restraint scenarios, while many adult toy stores are starting to shelve some of the newest and sexiest bondage gear out there.

No matter what you’re looking for, whether it’s a beginner’s kit and a very vanilla video or a leather whip and a ball gag that you definitely wouldn’t want company to see, it’s out there. Bondage is sex, it’s art and it’s loved by many!

Q&A: BDSM & Rape Fantasies – How To Make Them Safe And Fun

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 14:00:58 +0000

BDSM and rape fantasies can be fun when no one gets hurt. Real rape is no joke – if you want to engage in this type of fantasy, it needs to be between consenting adults who are comfortable with pushing the boundaries. Here’s how to indulge in your BDSM fantasy without going too far.

Question: Hey guys, I am a BDSM master. I’ve had a lot of people ask me about rape fantasy sex with their partner. I’ve told them, just like an BDSM act, it has to be discussed beforehand and have a safe word chosen. Would you please do a video on this subject? Thanks!

–YouTube Viewer

What Is A Rape Fantasy?

A rape fantasy, in the right context, is actually just a domination/submission role play game. Some people enjoy being dominant over their partners while others enjoy being submissive. When you have a couple where one partner wants to dominate the other and the other enjoys being dominated, you can have a lot of fun with BDSM play.

Domination and submission is actually incredibly popular, although a lot of it stays underground for fear of being judged on sexual preferences. Rape is forced sex, and a rape fantasy is where you pretend to force someone to have sex or pretend that you’re being forced to have sex. It can be fun and enjoyable if it’s under the right circumstances and safe for everyone involved.

Communicate With Your Partner

While communication during sex is important no matter what you’re doing, it becomes essential when you’re doing something that is so far towards the edge of what is okay and what isn’t okay. You want to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner about what crosses the line and what doesn’t, because if the line is crossed, someone can get hurt, even if neither partner meant for it to happen.

Talk to your partner about what is okay and how far you can go, while also discussing where you don’t want to go and how far is too far. Talk about it beforehand – don’t wait until you’re doing it to say “Hey, I’m not sure I like that.” You and your partner both need to know exactly what you can do and what you can’t do before you ever get started. This is one of those situations where you don’t push the envelope past what you and your lover previously agreed to.

Also, make sure you’re with someone you trust. You don’t want to be acting out a BDSM rape fantasy with someone you just met at a club – because it very well could turn into real rape or you could get hurt. Make sure you and your lover both know and trust each other well before engaging in any activity of this nature.

Come Up With A Safe Word And Gesture

During any BDSM act, it is important to have a safe word or gesture prepared in case one partner wants the play to stop immediately. If it hurts, or you’re getting scared and just aren’t into it anymore, it’s important that you have a word you can say that lets your lover know that all play needs to stop right then and there. A safe word is something you don’t say very often, especially not in the bedroom.

“Stop!” or “No, don’t, that hurts!” are very bad safe words, because for doms and subs, this type of language is actually erotic. A safe word can be anything like, “purple pony,” “fried tomatoes,” or “Troy Aikman” – anything that you wouldn’t normally use in a sexual conversation is perfect. That way, your partner knows you want to stop ASAP.

A safe gesture is also a good thing to decide on before trying out a rape fantasy, especially if you and your partner enjoy using gags of any kind. A gag will prevent someone from speaking, so although they may be shouting “purple pony!” to try to get you to stop, it may only come out as gargled moans – which can be erotic if you’re a dom. So choose a safe gesture as well. It could be flipping the bird or the Vulcan salute – anything that can’t be confused with random movement of the hands. If your partner sees you make the gesture, they need to stop immediately, just as they would with a safe word.

How Do You Get Started With A Rape Fantasy?

Even if you’re experienced in the world of BDSM, it’s generally not a good idea to jump right into a rape fantasy. This is definitely something you want to start slow with, and work your way up. Start with some light domination, or a little bit of bondage and then gradually work your way up to more bondage and restraint, while adding in sexual language that is suggestive of pretend forced sex. You can also find your boundaries this way – going slow and working your way up to bigger things will allow you to find out if you’re comfortable with something or not before really diving head first into it.

What To Do If It Goes Too Far

Even though you’re just pretending, it can be really easy for a rape fantasy to go too far, too quickly. Don’t ever be afraid to use your safe word or gesture, and don’t be afraid to stop. Don’t think that your partner likes it so you should keep going – if YOU don’t like it or it’s hurting YOU, it’s important that you stop the play right away! You can always try again later if you really want to.

If your partner uses the safe word, make sure you’re the one stopping. That’s where trust comes in during BDSM and rape fantasies – you have to trust that your partner will stop immediately if the safe word is used and your partner has to trust that you’ll do the very same.

Real Rape Is No Joke

Although it’s perfectly fine to enact rape fantasies and play pretend when you’re with a partner you trust, real rape is not a joke! It doesn’t matter if you’re married, single, gay, straight, male or female – if you’re forcing someone else to have sex or sexual contact against their will, it is rape! If you have fantasies or feelings about actually raping someone against their will, talk to a counselor. Seek help, because these are not safe or natural feelings to have. You could hurt yourself or someone else, and get in a lot of trouble in the process. If you’ve flirted with the idea of actually raping someone, talk to a counselor right away!

What Women REALLY Want In Bed

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 14:00:21 +0000

Sex is different for girls than it is for guys. Girls experience it differently and feel differently about it than men do. If you think you know what your partner wants when she’s having sex with you, think again! You’d be surprised at the things a woman wants and needs during nookie to get off and feel satisfied. Here’s what a girl ACTUALLY wants in the sack!

Psychological Excitement – Not Just Physical Excitement

A woman is multi-sensory during sex – she doesn’t just want to feel what you’re doing, she wants to think about it, hear it, see it, and imagine what you’re going to do next. A woman uses her brain during sex more than anything else, so if you neglect to stimulate her mind and her imagination when you’re getting it on, you’re not going to get very far.

While girls do appreciate good technique, you can’t skate by on technique alone. If you’re totally “blah” in bed and don’t get her mind, soul, body, emotions and imagination going when you’re getting busy, it’s not going to matter if you can touch her clitoris exactly the right way. She’s not going to be able to reach orgasm if her mind isn’t adequately stimulated.

What Energies A Woman Wants To Feel

Because a woman’s emotions are so deeply involved in sex, it’s important to have the right energy when you slip between the sheets. If you have a weak energy about you – as though you’re going to ask permission to do what you want to her – she’s not going to get turned on at all. These are some things that girls really want to feel when bumping uglies:

Dominance

A woman wants to feel as though she’s with a man who is dominant. She wants to feel like he will take control of the situation if need be, and that he has the confidence to give her pleasure. Having dominance doesn’t necessarily refer to domination like in BDSM, but rather, just a man having a dominant energy and attitude about him. Make her feel like you’re the alpha male!

Variety

Girls also don’t want to do the same thing over and over when they have sex. They want variety, just like anyone else does. You may know just the right techniques but if you do them again and again, they’re going to get old after awhile. Take the time to research new techniques and try them out.

Don’t assume that because you’re good at sex and can give a girl an orgasm that you’re beyond having to hit the books to learn something new – that’s every man’s downfall. Read up on new ways to pleasure your partner and see what works and what doesn’t! She’ll love that you’re adventurous enough to bring something new to the table!

Emotion

Girls are emotional creatures – emotions govern their lives, from what they do to what they wear, what they eat and where they go. It makes sense that emotions govern a woman’s pleasure during sex as well. A woman doesn’t want to get it on with a robot – if you’re incapable of showing emotion when getting busy, your partner will get bored pretty quickly.

Instead, allow the emotions you’re feeling come through. If something feels great, don’t be afraid to say something or even just moan. Don’t be too quiet! Also, dirty talk is a great way to engage her brain during sex. It lets her know that you’re really enjoying what’s happening while also turning her on even more.

After Sex Play

You’ve heard the joke about how all men do after sex is roll over and go to sleep – unfortunately, many men actually do this! They may get up and get a drink or have a smoke afterwards, but when it’s over for a guy, it’s over. However, it’s completely different for a woman. A woman is emotionally geared up after sex – she feels intimate with you and emotionally connected to you. She may want to cuddle or talk, but she probably won’t roll over and go to sleep.

If you emotionally unplug from your partner after orgasm and go do something else, she’s going to feel disconnected from you. Even if she had an orgasm (or two or three), if she doesn’t get that emotional follow up after sex, it’s not going to end well for her. It may even discount the whole experience!

Take some time when you’re done knocking boots to stay connected with her emotionally. Lay by her side and listen to her breathe. Touch her softly and cuddle with her. Even if you can only stay awake for just a few minutes, if you’re cuddling and bonding with your partner, it will make all the difference in the world. It will also increase your chances of getting busy – and not masturbating alone – next time!

They Want Orgasms!

Girls want orgasms during sex. While it is possible for a woman to enjoy it without reaching climax, it’s just a lot better for both you and your partner if you can help her reach her peak. If a girl never has an orgasm, she’s going to feel like having sex with you is a “job” and there’s really no point in doing it at all. That’s when a guy will notice his sex life start to wane – she’s not going to get busy with you if she can’t reach orgasm.

Practice your technique and communicate with your partner about what feels good and what doesn’t. Let her know that you genuinely want to please her and need some feedback on what she likes and what she doesn’t. If your partner is having problems with reaching orgasm and it’s not happening very often or at all regardless of what you do, visit a doctor and rule out any medical issues. Explore ways to make sure your partner is enjoying sex as much as you are.

Extreme Bondage – 7 Tools That Advanced Players Should Have On Hand

Kaylen Jackson — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 14:00:47 +0000

Extreme bondage can be fun if you’re really into hardcore sex and kink. For serious fans of kink, chintzy blindfolds and Velcro cuffs just aren’t going to give you the same thrill as something with leather and metal. If you dig the BDSM scene, here are seven must haves for your sultry lair.

A Whip Or Wooden Paddle

Submissive personalities enjoy receiving pain, while dominant personalities enjoy giving it. While couples who dabble in light bondage play rarely go farther than a feather tickler or a light smack on the rear with their hands. However, men and women who enjoy extreme bondage need something with a little more “kick.”

A whip or wooden paddle is a excellent item to have on hand if for more intense pain. A padded paddle will be softer against the skin and is less likely to leave a deep red mark or bruising, while a wooden paddle can easily break the blood vessels in the skin when used for spanking.

Japanese Silk Rope

Restraint is the core of extreme bondage, and serious BDSM fans will have no shortage of cuffs or ties around. However, Japanese silk rope is one of the best forms of restraint around. It is smoother against the skin than traditional rope, and allows people to get into some incredibly artistic positions. While beginners can use Japanese silk rope and have a lot of fun with it, those who enjoy extreme bondage will get a lot more out of it.

A Leash & Collar Set

Domination is a common activity in extreme bondage situations, and nothing makes you feel as dominant – or your partner as submissive – as a leash and collar set. You can have tons of sexy fun leading your partner around on the leash or letting them lead you around. The leash can also come in handy in more kinky domination scenarios.

When purchasing a leash and collar set, choose a collar that both looks good and feels good on, because you may want to wear it awhile. Keep safety factors in mind and never wear a collar that hurts or is made from cheap materials. Your leash should be similar.

A Spreader Bar

Nothing provides the dom a view as good as a spreader bar does, while still keeping the sub restrained. Spreader bars come in many shapes and sizes, and can restrain anything from just the feet to the whole body. Typically, the bar is used to spread the legs wide to expose the penis or vagina, and can definitely add extra excitement to an extreme bondage scenario.

A Hood

Forget blindfolds! Serious BDSM fans will appreciate a hood instead. A hood typically covers the entire face, but may leave the eyes and mouth exposed. In some hoods, only the eyes are exposed and in others, only the mouth is exposed. Your partner will truly feel submissive when you slip the hood over their heads and have them obey your commands.

A hood that covers the mouth should be made from a material that is breathable, or be constructed in a way that allows for easy and comfortable breathing. An extreme bondage scenario can go from fun to bad in a hurry if your partner can’t breathe through their hood.

Nipple Clamps Or Vibrators

Nipple play is a lot of fun during kinky sex, although many beginners don’t use clamps or vibrators much due to the intense pain factor. However, if you’re really into feeling pain mixed with pleasure, nipple clamps or vibrators will definitely do the trick. Some BDSM fans are tempted to use good old fashioned clothespins as clamps, and while the look can definitely be appealing, they’re more dangerous.

Clothespins will easily bruise the nipples and may cause such intense pain that the sub wants to stop. You can have a lot more fun with adjustable clamps, because they allow you to dial up the intensity gradually!

A Suspension Kit

For a dom, there are few things sexier than seeing his or her sub suspended in the air while being restrained. If you’re really into the BDSM scene, a suspension kit is an absolute must have. If you’re short on funds or don’t have the space for a heavy duty suspension kit, you can have just as much fun with a love swing or an over the door model.

Make sure that your suspension kit is built to hold you and your partner’s weight combined, and that it’s made from quality materials that will hold up over time.

Should You Try Water Bondage?

Kaylen Jackson — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 14:00:27 +0000

Water bondage is form of restraint that includes playing with water in addition to ropes, ties and gags. Having sex in the pool or shower is definitely fun, and restraining your partner can be too. Should you combine the two and try water bondage? Or is it really something better left to the hardcore sex lovers?

What Is Water Bondage?

Water bondage is a type of BDSM sex act where water is used in addition to ropes, restraints, gags and other equipment. The sub in this situation is usually tied up or gagged, and either sprayed or dunked. Often, the sprays are strong and painful, as this is a part of the “torture” involved in this type of activity.

Sometimes a Houdini tank is used in professional scenarios, and in intense situations, a breathing apparatus may be used as well. Breath play involves dunking the sub underwater and forcing them to hold their breath for as long as possible, giving them the sensation of pressure on their lungs and invoking the fear of drowning.

Is Water Bondage Dangerous?

Water bondage can be very dangerous if not done properly, especially when working with a large body of water. It’s not something that should be taken lightly – it’s a very, very hardcore form of domination and most people aren’t going to be into it. You really have to be enjoy the pain or fear factor to enjoy it. Here’s why it can be more dangerous than it is fun and why you might want to leave it to the professionals:

Dunking

Dunking can be especially dangerous, because the sub is not able to speak or make gestures to let someone know if they are running out of air. This can easily cause the sub to drown, because no one really knows how long they can really hold their breath. If the dom is particularly aroused by the dunking, he or she may be more apt to leave the sub underwater for longer than they can handle.

Spraying

Spraying is another popular form of water bondage, which includes spraying high pressure streams on the sub while they are tied up or restrained. The higher the pressure, the more it hurts, so in some scenarios, the sprays will be from high pressure, industrial type hoses. In soft core scenarios, the sprays may be from a shower head or a regular hose.

Staying Safe

While this is an extreme form of BDSM and is therefore dangerous in and of itself, there are some ways that you can try to stay as safe as possible if you decide to engage in an activity like this. Going for light bondage or sex in the water can be a great way to get your “feet wet” so to speak, without engaging in the type of activity that hardcore BDSM fans like to do.

Don’t Use Gags

While a gag can be fun during other types of BDSM play, it can take the danger level of water bondage up quite a bit. Being submerged or sprayed heavily can make it difficult or impossible to breathe. A gag also makes it difficult to breathe, and when you combine the two, it can be almost impossible for a sub to catch his or her breath properly. Choose one or the other, but avoid using both.

Avoid Submersion

Submersion or dunking is probably the most intense part of this form of BDSM and is probably the most dangerous. Some hardcore fetish websites feature women or men being chained or tied up in a tub or tank, where they are barely able to get their heads out enough to breathe. This may seem erotic, but it’s actually incredibly dangerous. Spray your sub with a hose, but avoid submerging them.

Come Up With A Safe Word/Gesture

With any BDSM play, it’s important to have a safe word picked out before you start. With hardcore play, a gesture might be in order if a gag is being used or the sub cannot speak for other reasons. If you’re using a gag, do not bind the hands so much that the safe gesture cannot be used and if the hands are bound, do not gag the mouth so the safe word cannot be used. Make sure that both the dom and the sub agree that all play stops immediately if the safe word or gesture is used!

Amateur Bondage – 8 Tools That Beginners Should Have On Hand

Kaylen Jackson — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 14:00:53 +0000

Amateur bondage can be incredibly hot when you’ve never done it before. It can bring some much needed spice to the bedroom when you’ve hit a sex rut with your partner, or it can simply be exciting to masturbate in a way that you never have before. Amateur bondage will let you experience all the excitement of being tied up, spanked, tickled and manipulated, without the freakishness that hardcore bondage can have. Check out these ten must have items for beginners.

A Soft Rope Or Silk Restraints

First order of business when it comes to amateur bondage is to get yourself some form of restraints. Restraints are the cornerstone of bondage! You may think you can tie your partner up with just anything you have lying around the house, but think again! If you really want to get a feel for amateur bondage and have the most pleasurable experience possible, you’re going to want to invest in something made for this kind of play.

Japanese bondage rope is great to play with because it is soft and silky, but it will keep someone restrained quite nicely. Other great options for beginners are the Sportsheets Under The Bed Restraint System or fuzzy handcuffs. Just don’t opt for anything like a stockade or metal chastity devices. These are for advanced users only!

A Feather Tickler

Part of the excitement of being tied up is having your partner do things to you that you don’t know are coming or that you can’t do anything to stop. Amateur bondage players don’t necessarily want to whip their partner into submission, so creating different, unexpected sensations is what amateur bondage is all about.

A feather tickler is a perfect item for beginners, because it doesn’t hurt but it will still create incredible sensations on your partner’s skin or genitals – wherever you choose to use it. While your partner is restrained and blindfolded, alternate between lightly spanking them and tickling them with the feather tickler. Your lover won’t know what to expect next and they certainly won’t be in any position to stop you!

A Breathable Gag

Gags are popular in the BDSM community, but many of them can be quite intimidating for beginners. There are, however, a variety of breathable gags that can be used for amateur bondage so you can have the fun of using a gag without the scariness of a gag that doesn’t allow for easy breathing.

While open mouth gags and pony bit gags are more breathable than some of their counterparts, they tend to look pretty frightening, especially if you’re a beginner. A small, soft, breathable ball gag is your best bet. There are even training kits that have a variety of gag sizes so you can start small and work your way up.

A Blindfold

A blindfold is essential during amateur bondage and BDSM play, because sometimes you don’t want your lover to know what you’re doing – or what you’re going to do next. Sometimes, you want to be the one wearing the blindfold! You can use things around the house, such as a silk tie or scarf, but a blindfold purchased from a sex toy store is going to be a lot more comfortable and it’s going to fit a lot better.

When choosing a blindfold, stick to something soft, silky or fur lined. There are lots of blindfolds available on the market, ranging from pink and flirty to entire face masks that look like something out of Hellraiser. Stick to the basic blindfolds at first! They will do their job just as well, without freaking you or your partner out.

A Padded Or Fur Lined Paddle

Experiencing both pain and pleasure is another essential part of amateur bondage and BDSM play. Whether you want to give or receive, mixing pleasure and pain is an incredible experience and it’s part of why BDSM play is so popular! There are lots of devices on the market that will help you introduce pain to your lover, but many of them are just too “out there” for beginners.

Instead, consider getting a padded or fur lined paddle for spanking. Spanking can actually be very pleasurable, and the rear is a great place to direct pain since it doesn’t bruise easily and is well hidden if it does. A padded or fur lined paddle will help the giving partner experience domination, while the receiver gets to experience pain mixed with pleasure without worrying about being seriously hurt in the process.

Various Sex Toys Of Your Choice

Once your partner is all tied up and blindfolded, then what are you going to do? Have some of your favorite sex toys on hand to please your partner with. Having more than one at your disposal is a good idea, because you want to keep them expecting new and different sensations.

A vibrator is a must have for women, because you can experiment with light to firm pleasure – almost to the point where it’s too much – while they’re restrained and unable to see what you’re doing. For men, a masturbation sleeve is a good option. Alternate between the masturbation sleeve and your hand. If they’re into anal penetration, have a butt plug or anal beads with you. As always, don’t forget the lube!

Surgical Scissors

Even though you’re only experimenting with amateur bondage, it’s important that you have items available to remove your partner from their restraints as quickly as possible if something goes wrong. Surgical scissors fit the bill, because they’ll easily cut through just about any type of rope or leather restraints. If you’re using handcuffs, make sure you have the key very close by and an extra hidden elsewhere.

A Safe Word Or Gesture

Never, ever engage in any type of BDSM play or amateur bondage without deciding on a safe word or gesture first. A safe word is something that you say – that is completely unrelated to anything you might or could possibly say during play that when said or heard, all play stops immediately. For example, “purple pony,” “pink tomato” or “umbrella penguin” are all great safe words. You or your partner can use the safe word if things get to be too much, and always, always honor the safe word if your partner says it – even if you aren’t ready to stop playing.

A safe gesture is also a good idea to have, because there are times when a partner is unable to speak – for example, if they are wearing a gag. A gesture can be anything you want, as long as it can be clearly distinguished from any other hand movements a person might make when experiencing pleasure and pain. For example, the middle finger is a pretty good gesture – it’s hard to pull that one off on accident.

How To Be A Naughty Girl

Kaylen Jackson — Sat, 07 May 2011 14:00:38 +0000

Sex – no matter how vanilla – is something every guy adores. Even if it’s missionary position with the lights off – he’ll take that over no sex any day. But you can really wow your man by making it more kinky and showing him that you have a naughty side. Here’s how to let the vixen in you out.

Use A Mirror During Sex – And Fellatio

Guys love to watch. That’s a given, considering just how much porn there is circulating around the adult DVD stores and the Internet. Get him to focus on you though by introducing a mirror during sex. Put one on your bedroom wall right next to the bed and better yet, put one on the opposite side so he can get a view of both angles. If you can’t get full size mirrors, settle for a makeup mirror on a table or night stand that will give him a great view of you giving him a blowjob.

Masturbate For Him

Again, this is playing into the fact that men really do get off on visual stimuli. Instead of getting angry with him for watching porn instead of being interested in you, give him a reason watch you. Shake off your insecurities about how you look (he loves the way you look naked, even though you’re not perfect) and give him the show of his life by masturbating in front of him. Close your eyes or blindfold yourself and turn on some music so that you have no idea that he’s there. Then just go at it! You will be amazed at just how much watching you do yourself the way you like it will turn him on.

Do It Somewhere Else

Instead of having sex in the bedroom again, show him your wild side by suggesting sex somewhere else. Whether it’s on the couch, in the backyard or in the VIP section of an exclusive nightclub, just the change of venue will do wonders for how amazing the sex is. When you move outside the bedroom and let the vixen inside you out, expect amazing orgasms for both you and your partner!

Walk Around The House Naked

Most women aren’t confident about their naked bodies and most men hate that about their partners. Your man loves the way you look naked – if he didn’t, he’d probably wouldn’t be with you. So let your insecurities and inhibitions go and start walking around the house naked. Start small, like not putting on a towel after a shower while you head to the bedroom to get dressed. Perhaps you can hang out naked for a bit after having sex, and after you get used to the idea, you can walk around the house naked whenever you like. Your man won’t be able to keep his eyes off you!

Do The Reverse Cowgirl

The reverse cowgirl is one of the sex positions that most guys like the best. Why is this? Because it gives them a full view of your vagina and your anus, and he gets to see every thrust in eye-popping detail. Many women don’t like to do this however, because they get uncomfortable thinking about their partners looking at their vagina and anus for so long. Don’t worry about it – your guy isn’t going to be noticing that your inner labia are longer than your outer or that you have a little stubble from not having shaved in a couple days. He’s just going to enjoy watching his penis slide in and out of you over and over!

Leave Your Panties On

During foreplay, leave your panties on. Let him rub your clitoris through your panties – bonus points if you get wet enough for him to actually feel or see it through the fabric! When you’re ready for intercourse or oral sex, Pull your panties to the side and let your man do his thing. Pulling your panties to the side to get it on feels super naughty for both of you, and your man will love it!

Let Him Give You A Facial

Some guys enjoy the idea of giving a woman a facial – and not the kind you get at the beauty salon. For whatever reason, some men love the idea of ejaculating on a woman’s face and if you can get past the “gross” factor (or if it doesn’t bother you at all) your man may really enjoy doing this with you. Next time you give him a blowjob, let him finish on your face. It will make him feel like you’re being extra naughty and he won’t be able to keep his hands off you!

Have Impromptu Car Sex – With Road Head

Having sex in public is definitely naughty, so car sex fits the bill. If you want your man to find you truly dirty, surprise him with an impromptu sex session next time you’re on a road trip. Ask him to pull over on the side of the road (make sure its fairly deserted) and hop in the backseat for a quickie. Or, you can give him road head – which he’ll absolutely love. Road head is much easier to give, because it’s harder to get caught doing it.

Go Commando

Next time you and your lover go out to dinner together (or anywhere really), conveniently “forget” to put on panties beforehand. Of course, make sure you’re wearing something that won’t show your cooter when you bend over. Then, lean over and whisper in his ear that you’re not wearing any panties underneath your clothes – and watch as his eyes pop right out of his head! The idea of you not having any panties on all night (especially he gets to cop a quick feel) will make him want to tear your clothes off the minute you get home.

Wear F-Me Shoes

Stilettos make any woman’s legs look miles long – it’s one of the reasons that men enjoy watching women in the adult entertainment industry. If you notice, even in porn, they always wear high heels or platform heels of some kind. That’s because they’re an instant turn on for guys! Next time you’re at the shoe store, get a pair of really sexy f-me shoes and hide them in the closet. Wear them the next time you don your little black dress for an evening out, or better yet, wear the shoes (and only the shoes) next time you want to seduce your lover.

Get Your Tongue Pierced

This may not be your idea of fun, but if you’re open to it, getting a tongue piercing can improve oral sex for guys by quite a bit. Plus, it’s something a lot of “naughty” girls have done. In fact, many guys will instantly start thinking a girl is naughty and extra dirty in the sack as soon as he sees the tongue ring flash in her mouth while she’s talking. If the idea intrigues you, talk to a reputable piercer and ask some questions. You may just leave with a shiny new piece of jewelry that your man will love!

BDSM – What Is Erotic Humiliation?

Kaylen Jackson — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 14:00:34 +0000

“BDSM” stands for “bondage, domination, sadism and masochism.” However, this is just a blanket term for many different styles of kinky sex, including fetishes and roleplay, as well as less common activities such as erotic asphyxiation or erotic humilation.

While erotic humiliation isn’t generally as dangerous as activities like erotic asphyxiation, it can be just as fascinating to see exactly what gets different people off. What is erotic humiliation, what does it involve and how would you introduce it or an alternative in the bedroom?

What Is Erotic Humilation?

Erotic humilation is a form of BDSM defined by Wikipedia as the “consensual use of psychological humiliation in a sexual context, whereby one person gains arousal or erotic excitement from the powerful emotions of being humiliated and demeaned, or of humiliating another; often (but not always) in conjunction with sexual stimulation of one or both partners in the activity.”

Depending on whether someone has a dominant or submissive personality, the act of being humiliated or humiliating another during sex can be very arousing for both partners. Rarely does a person enjoy both humiliating and being humiliated and many sexual partnerships are formed because one partner prefers domination while the other prefers submission.

The Difference Between Humiliation And Domination

Many people may confuse erotic humiliation with domination and other forms of BDSM, because the roles are very similar. There is, however, a simple distinction between the two. Those who enjoy dominating others enjoy “commanding” or “ordering” their submissive partner do do something, and the submissive partner enjoys being “commanded” to do something. With humiliation, the dominant partner enjoys verbally or physically belittling their partner, and the submissive partner enjoys being belittled and humiliated just as much.

Verbal Means Of Erotic Humiliation

Depending on the agreement between the dominant and submissive partners, verbal belittlement may or may not be an accepted part of humiliation. However, it is much more common to see verbal belittlement in a humiliation situation than a great deal of physical humiliation. Verbal belittlement during sex might include:

Being a human “pet,” complete with collar and leash. This may include eating or drinking out of a pet bowl or off the floor.
Name calling such as “slave” or “whore”
Belittling the body, suggesting that it is “dirty” or “ugly”
Men who enjoy being humiliated may enjoy their partners belittling their penis size
Asking for permission to eat or use the restroom
Being verbally mocked or ridiculed

Physical Means Of Erotic Humiliation

When couples desire more than verbal belittlement offers, they may decide to move into more physical means of humiliation. This can be something as mild as spanking or can be very extreme. When combined with sexual activities and verbal belittlement, the humiliation factor can be very powerful. Many dom/sub couples may choose to forgo the physical aspect, or they may participate with a lighter attitude. Physical humiliation might include activities like:

Being slapped on the rear or in the face
Having the hair pulled
Ejaculating in the face or on the body
Being required to perform oral sex on the dominant partner without getting anything in return
Being forced to worship the body of the dominant partner
Physical punishment such as spanking or whipping when the submissive partner is “disobedient”
Torture of the nipples or the genitals

How To Approach Erotic Humilation In Your Relationship

If you’re interested in erotic humilation, you may be unsure of how to approach the subject with your partner. Remember that while being open and honest about your sex fantasies is extremely important, going slow and giving your partner time to warm up to the idea is even more so.

The first step is to determine which of you has a dominant personality and which of you has a submissive one. If you and your lover are both dominant or both submissive, erotic humiliation is generally something that won’t work well in your sexual relationship. Ease into it slowly, by introducing one new concept at a time and only when your partner seems ready for it.

If You’re A Sub

Offer to be you lover’s sex slave for the day and see what happens
Tell your partner you’d love to be spanked during sex
Come to bed wearing a collar
Experiment with handcuffs and bondage
Ask him to call you his “slut” or his “whore”

If You’re A Dom

Pinch your partner’s nipples during sex (not too hard without the green light first)
Ask your partner if they’ll be your sex slave for the day
Go shopping with your partner for sexy accessories, like collars or tiaras
Ask your partner to give you a blowjob or go down on you without reciprocation
Ask your partner to let you ejaculate on their face

Special Note: Never be derogatory or dominant towards your partner without their knowing and consent first. Not letting your lover in on what’s going on before verbally belittling them or physically humiliating them will only end very, very badly.

Pubic Humiliation

Another aspect of erotic humiliation which may be arousing to both partners is public humiliation. Sometimes, consenting partners will use verbal belittlement in public and very rarely will they humiliate physically in public. However, some couples may be part of groups that also enjoy this activity and may have “sex parties” in where one or more subs are humiliated in front of the crowd.

Alternatives To Extreme Humiliation

If the idea of humiliating your partner or being humiliated turns you on, but you’re not ready to go to the extreme with it, start small and work your way up. Alternatives to more aggressive forms of humiliating might be:

Nibbling or biting your partner
Spanking or asking to be spanked
Light bondage
Dirty talk with a dash of humiliation thrown in
Online or long distance humiliating

8 Sex Fantasies That She’s Absolutely Dying To Try

Kaylen Jackson — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 14:00:30 +0000

Every woman has secret sex fantasies that she wants to try, but many girls are too shy or nervous to introduce their sex fantasies to their boyfriends or husbands. Here are eight sex fantasies that almost every woman wants to try at one time or another and how you can gently lead her into playing along with you in the sex fantasies of her dreams!

She Wants To Teach You A Lesson

It’s a good bet that your partner wants to teach you a sexy lesson. The teacher/student fantasy is one that a lot of women (and men) have and it’s an easy one to do. You don’t have to have any special costumes or spend money on anything to get started. Call her “Mrs. ____” and ask her to “teach” you how to give her oral sex or finger her. See if she gives you “detention” for being a bad boy!

She Wants To Do It With Someone She’s Never Met

Sex with a stranger is something every woman fantasizes about at one time or another. While you probably don’t want to see her go out and bang someone she’s never met before, you can play into her fantasy with just a little bit of dirty talk. When she comes home from work and the two of you sit down for dinner, introduce yourself to her and tell her that you’ve been eyeing her from across the room and would love to meet her. If she plays along, lead her to the bathroom for a quick and dirty romp.

She Wants You To Pull Her Hair

In many cultures, women are taught to be submissive to men. In fact, the desire to be submissive to a man stems from generations and generations ago when women had to rely on men for many more things than they do now. Play into your partner’s desire to be dominated by you and tug her hair a little when she gives you a blowjob. If she likes it, make a point to spank her a little when you start getting busy!

She Wants To Tie You Up

A part of her wants to be dominated by you, but the other part of her wants to dominate you. Chances are, she’s fantasized at one point or another about doing bondage with you and tying you up while she has her way with you. Since this is probably something you would love her to do as well, introduce her to it by wearing a blindfold to bed (a silk tie or scarf works well) and handing her a pair of handcuffs or a tie for your hands. This also works well if you do it on her first and then let her do it to you!

She Wants To Have Sex In Public

Most women dream about having sex in public, but they’ve never taken the chance in real life to actually do it. Satisfy her desire for exhibitionism by taking her somewhere you can have sex (check out these amazing sex places) or surprising her next time she’s in the dressing room at the mall.

She Wants To Play With Your Prostate

Sure, she’s given you an amazing orgasm by just giving you a blowjob or a handjob. But she’s probably read about the “male g-spot” or a man’s prostate and how much better an orgasm can be for a guy with a little prostate massage thrown in. She’s most likely fantasized about being the first one to touch you there, or about being the woman that can give you the most amazing orgasms. Let her insert her finger next time she goes down on you and see what happens!

She Wants You To Rim Her

A lot of women fantasize about their partners going down on them, but her idea of great oral sex and your idea of giving great oral sex may be very different. Lots of girls imagine their guys going down on them and putting their tongue everywhere and exploring places that have never been licked or sucked before. Satisfy her craving for amazing oral sex by spreading her legs and letting your tongue go places it has never gone before instead of just licking her clitoris.

She Wants You To Talk Dirty To Her

Almost every woman has fantasized about dirty talk at one time or another. She wants to hear exactly how good it feels when she touches you, licks you or gives you a handjob. She also wants to hear how much you love doing things to her!

Sex Tips: I Like Kinky Sex But He Doesn’t – How Can I Get Him To Try It?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 14:00:22 +0000

Lots of people like kinky sex, but lots of people don’t. If you really enjoy kinky sex but your partner isn’t into it, you’re probably wondering how you can convince them to just give it a try. There are ways you can soften your partner up to what you like in bed, but you also have to keep some things in mind, like respecting your partner’s boundaries. Here’s what you want to know about getting your partner out of his vanilla sex “funk” and into the world of kink.

Question: I like kinky sex but he doesn’t. How can I get him to maybe try it?

–YouTube Viewer

Kinky Sex Is All About Perspective

What is kinky to some is completely benign to others, so keep that in mind when trying to introduce your boyfriend or girlfriend to kinky sex. For example, some people may think that simply having sex with the lights on is super kinky, while others delve deep into kink with lots of bondage and BDSM. Think about what you are wanting your partner to try and what they’ve tried before – is there a big difference between the two? Are you wanting him to try sex with a strap on when all he’s ever done is light bondage? If this is the case, think about toning down your idea of kink to better match what he’s tried already so you’re not too outside of his comfort zone.

Respect His Boundaries

Everyone has their boundaries when it comes to kinky sex, and it’s important for two people in a relationship to respect those boundaries. You may be very into kink, but there is someone somewhere out there that is probably into doing some things that you definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with. Imagine if you were in a relationship with someone who wanted to push your boundaries and try to convince you to do something that made you really uncomfortable – you definitely wouldn’t appreciate it and it would probably do harm to the relationship. So think about the situation in reverse. You may think your idea of “kink” is ok, but your partner may not. It all goes back to each person’s perspective – there is no “standard guideline” for what is ok and what isn’t. It all depends on the person and where their boundaries are. So it’s definitely important to respect your partner’s boundaries and avoid pushing him too far past them. If you push them too hard to try kinky sex, they may run the other way.

Finding The Right Approach

How you approach the topic with your partner is critical to whether or not they will actually be open to trying what you want them to try. Talk to him about how to spice up your sex life is important, but doing it at the right time and in the right way will make the most difference. Don’t try to talk to him about it while you’re having sex, right before you have sex or even right after. Get it? Have the conversation completely outside of the bedroom, at a time when you’re both relaxed and enjoying spending time together. Avoid being critical of your partner at all costs – this is not a “Why won’t you do this, there’s nothing wrong with it” conversation. If he even smells a hint of criticism in your words, he will lock up and probably won’t hear a word that you say. Instead, approach the topic by letting him know how much a particular activity turns you on and how much it turns you on to imagine doing it with them.

Modify Your Kink

So you want to try tying him to a chair and having your way with him – but he’s never so much as tried light bondage before. Consider modifying whatever you want to try a little bit and tone it down. This may make him more comfortable with trying it and you can eventually work your way up to heavy bondage and BDSM by taking baby steps to get there. Remember that kinky sex is again, all about perspective, and you’ll have a better chance of getting your partner to try something different if you make it a little more benign. Instead of going all out with handcuffs and rope (if bondage is your thing), try simply tying his wrists with a scarf or silk necktie. He will be more open to it if it seems really harmless – and then trying something else even more kinky won’t seem so bad!

Q&A: BDSM – How To Introduce Your Partner To Domination

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 14:00:58 +0000

Introducing your partner to BDSM and domination can be incredibly intimidating. Your partner may be shy about trying new things in the bedroom, or they may flat out think that BDSM is too freaky. Either way, it’s possible to warm your boyfriend or girlfriend up to domination and bondage if you play your cards right.

Question: Dear Dan and Jenn, I want my boyfriend to try a bit of domination. But he seems a bit shy about doing it. How can I help him get over that shyness?

–YouTube Viewer

Taking Small Steps

You definitely can’t throw the idea of hardcore BDSM straight into your partner’s lap and expect them to be interested. That’s actually one of the fastest ways you can turn your partner off of the idea altogether. You really have to start slow when you’re introducing domination to your partner, so think about baby steps you can take and how you can start small. Try introducing your partner to bondage with a first time, introductory bondage kit complete with fuzzy handcuffs? Your partner will be less likely to be freaked out by the fuzzy cuffs and they’ll help your partner get warmed up to the real deal. Try doing a little light spanking or nibbling on your partner and see how he reacts to it. Introducing it a little bit at a time will allow your partner to process and accept domination as being pleasurable.

Introduce The Fantasy

Make sure to incorporate some of the fantasy in with your BDSM play. Don’t just tie your partner to the bed with the lights on (that is, unless, you’re doing an interrogation fantasy). That will most likely make your partner feel awkward and uncomfortable. Get your partner in the mood by roleplaying a little bit and working whatever you want to try that day into the fantasy you’re creating. Encourage your partner to try playing out their own fantasies with you as well. Try using a fantasy box, where each partner can contribute fantasies that get randomly selected on any given night. Getting your partner absorbed in a sexy fantasy will help him to want to try things he’s never tried before.

Don’t Be Pushy

If your partner isn’t comfortable with a certain fetish, don’t press him on it. Being pushy and making him feel like he’s being pressured into something he’s not comfortable with will likely have the exact opposite effect. You can’t force him to like exactly what you like or find what you like erotic. If he’s given domination a good try and he still isn’t into it, it may be time to let it go. However, introducing small things to your partner and working your way up to the big stuff slowly will help nudge your partner in the right direction without making it seem like you’re being pushy at all. Just remember not to be critical or try to make your partner feel guilty for something that they don’t want to do. If you find that you and your partner’s sexual needs aren’t fitting well, move on and find someone else who has sexual preferences that are more similar to your own.

How To Introduce Your Girl To Bondage

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 14:00:19 +0000

Introducing your partner to bondage – if that’s not something she’s already into – is tricky business. If you bring it up in the wrong way, or try the hardcore stuff first, you might just turn her off of bondage and BDSM for good. Here’s how to slowly introduce your partner to bondage so you have the best chance of allowing her to get into it!

When To Bring It Up

Bringing up new things to try in the bedroom is not the best thing to do when you’re already in the bedroom. Never bring up new sex topics during sex, right before sex or right after sex. Also don’t bring it up during a fight or when you and your partner are tired and stressed out. So if you want your girl to get into bondage, when do you bring it up? Try talking to your girlfriend about light bondage during dinner, or after you both have had a couple glasses of wine. Bring the topic of BDSM or bondage up when you and your partner are both relaxed, stress free and are open to new ideas.

How To Bring It Up

If you have a fairly open and honest relationship with your partner, putting it out there as something you’d like to try may work well for you. However, if you’re not sure how your partner will react to your interest in bondage, you may want to be a little more creative on how you introduce the topic to her. Try telling her you read an article about bondage, or you have a friend that tried it with his girl and gauge her reaction to the information. If she seems interested, it’s probably okay to move forward with the conversation. If your girlfriend seems nervous, upset or even disgusted with the idea of BDSM or bondage, you can take that as your cue to zip it. Don’t get too hung up on your partner not wanting to try bondage, because there are lots of other fun ways you and your partner can connect in the bedroom!

What You Need

Assuming you and your partner have both agreed to try bondage, it’s best to start with light bondage rather than going straight for the hardcore handcuffs. There are a variety of products available online and at your nearest adult toy store that make bondage much more fun for both you and your partner. You don’t have to spend a lot of money on adult toys to start out with, but definitely get a few things such as a beginner’s fetish kit or japanese bondage rope. Don’t try to use regular rope you bought from the store – talk about ouch! You’ll have more success with getting your girlfriend to actually enjoy being tied up and tying you up if you have a few things that were actually made for what you want to do. If you and your partner really like the lighter stuff, you can consider graduating to some more hardcore bondage and BDSM. Remember to always have a safe word, and always stop whatever you’re doing immediately if your partner uses the safeword.

How Do I Introduce BDSM To My Boyfriend?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 01:26:22 +0000

Everyone has their fantasy or fetish, and everyone likes different things. It’s part of what makes us such a sexually diverse culture! Many people are into BDSM, or bondage, whether it’s soft BDSM or really getting into dominant and submissive roles. If you like BDSM, how can you introduce it to your partner without getting rejected and possibly even involving them in your fetishes and fantasies?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m very comfortable with my sexuality and a little on the BDSM side… I’ve been this way for years. My fiance and I have done a few things, but I want to try even more – costumes, props, etc. I don’t think he knows how dark my sexual side can be. How can I bring it up to him without scaring him?

–Desiree, MO

Let Your Partner Go First

Ask your partner what turns them on. This is not the time for a “sit down” talk, rather, you want to ask him in a very nonchalant sort of way. Bring it up if you’re watching a romantic movie with a hot sex scene, or even if you’re watching pornography together. If you’re visiting the mall, pop into the lingerie store or even the novelty stores that carry some sex toys. Asking your partner what turns them on opens them up to their own fantasies and gets their minds going.

Introduce Yourself Slowly

Don’t break into your fetish by surprising your partner with a leash and collar while wearing a full black leather outfit. You might scare them off! Try incorporating light BDSM into your foreplay and sexual routine, such as using a feather duster or even a light whip. Try purchasing some racier lingerie, or sexy shoes that reflect what turns you on. You can even suggest roleplaying light BDSM roles, such as light submission or light dominance. You might find that your partner really likes this type of sex play and begins to get more into it! If this happens, just ease into your fetish or fantasy slowly, until you’re really sharing with your partner what you like and what turns you on.

Try A Fantasy Box

A “Fantasy Box” is something you and your partner can try if you’re really shy about sharing your fantasies with your partner or your partner is really shy about sharing their fantasies with you. Write down your fantasies on a scrap piece of paper and put it in the box. Have your partner do the same. Make a “rule” that once a week, a fantasy is pulled out of the box and is enacted. If some fantasies require planning, give you and your partner enough time to purchase costumes, etc. This can even be something fun that you do together that can bring you and your partner closer! Decorate the fantasy box with things you both find sexy to make it even more fun.

No matter what, your sex life should be enjoyable and fulfilled, no matter what fetish or fantasy you like. You might be surprised – your fetish or fantasy probably isn’t as uncommon as you think it is! If your partner is freaked out by your fetish, whether it’s BDSM or something else, and you can’t work past it, consider that they might not be the partner for you. Remember – there’s someone out there for everyone!

Asexual Wanting BDSM But Not Sex – Is It The Medication?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:52:01 +0000

A self-proclaimed asexual begins taking medication and now finds herself having a strong sex drive – not only wanting sex, but BDSM as well! Is this normal? Is she falling out of the asexual orientation, or does her medication have something to do with it? It may be confusing and intimidating, but it’s important to get to the root of the issue – what is really going on here?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been asexual all my life. I met my boyfriend on an asexual website. I’m taking medication and now I’m getting a sex drive. Now, all I can think about is BDSM. I can live with normal sex, but I can’t be happy with BDSM. My mind would never accept this type of lifestyle. What do I do?

–Alyssa, Virginia

What is “Asexual”

“Asexual” is a sexual orientation, much like being gay, bisexual, lesbian or straight. Asexual people usually do not desire sex, and form emotional and satisfying relationships without being sexual at all. It’s comparable to celibacy, with the exception that asexuality is a sexual orientation and not a choice like celibacy is. You might want to compare it to the difference between being a lesbian (a sexual orientation) or just choosing to have a threesome because it’s fun. Asexuality is like celibacy, but it’s something that is rooted deep inside of the person’s identity rather than a choice.

A Sudden Interest In BDSM – Is It The Medication?

In this particular situation, experiencing a different set of emotions and feelings right after beginning a new medication should not be taken lightly. Anti-depressants, epilepsy medications and other type of mind altering medications can make you feel all sorts of different ways, even ways that you would have never expected or anticipated. If you’ve just started taking a new medication and find that your emotional and even sex drive is different than before you began the medication, it’s important to talk to your doctor. Talk with your medical doctor or even a psychiatrist to find out whether these new feelings are a side effect of the medication and will dissipate or not. If these new feelings are a result of the medication, ask your doctor if you are able to switch to a different medication that may not cause these side effects, or how to best handle the side effects until your body gets used to the medication.

It’s Not The Medication – Now What?

If you’ve found out that the medication has not caused your newfound desires and fantasies, it’s time to dig deep and start questioning yourself. You may still be asexual, but if you’re having desires and fantasies, find out where your comfort zones are. Are you okay with incorporating sex into your life? What about the BDSM part? In this situation, this particular person is uncomfortable with acting out on her BDSM fantasies. Why? Examine yourself and ask yourself why you’re comfortable with some things and not others. Think about trying BDSM, or slowly easing yourself into it. Try light roleplaying, or even a little dressing up, without harming yourself or harming someone else. There are lots of fun ways to get into BDSM without starting with the whips and chains. You might find out that this is something you really enjoy, with or without sex!

Remember, experimenting with your desires and fantasies is fun – it’s not supposed to be intimidating or make you feel ashamed. As long as you and anyone else involved is having fun and isn’t getting hurt, what is the harm in trying a few things out? It could be something that really fulfills your life, even asexually.

Help! My Boyfriend Wants To Be Tied Up!

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 23:46:43 +0000

If your partner is into BDSM and you’ve never tried it before, it can be kind of intimidating if you don’t know where to start. Don’t be! You don’t have to start with whips and chains – there are lots of fun, light BDSM ideas to get you started and you can have fun with it from there.

Dear Dan And Jennifer,

My boyfriend wants to be tied up, but I’ve never done it before! What are some tame ideas that I can start with that are comfortable for both of us?

–Sheila, Texas

Tying Him Up

If you want to start by tying your partner up but you’ve never done it before, try using light bondage such as fuzzy handcuffs or silk ties. You can even incorporate a blindfold to make it more exciting! Loosely tie your partner to a chair or to a bedpost and make sure the knot is too tight. A good thing to do before you start tying your partner up – or start doing anything BDSM related at all – is to come up with a code word that either partner can use if something becomes uncomfortable or painful. “Stop” is usually inefficient in the heat of the moment, so come up with something totally unrelated like, “banana” or “fairies.” It may sound silly, but it’s a great way to communicate if something has gone too far.

What To Do Once You’ve Tied Him Up

Chances are, your partner wants to be tied up because he’s wanting to feel a little submissive. So slip into a more dominant role and lightly tease him! You can tease him using props, such as chocolate sauce or even a light feather duster. If you’re really feeling kinky, a light elastic whip might do the trick! Tease him with nibbling, kissing, light biting and possibly light spanking if he’s into it. You can also do a little anal play while he’s tied up, because most guys are unresponsive to anal play ordinarily. Be careful with this, but you might find that your partner enjoys being in a submissive position and would be more receptive to anal play this way. If you want to try anal play, be gentle and go slow! Also, giving him a nice lap dance can be a great finishing touch while he’s completely tied up.

Advanced BDSM

If you and your partner find light BDSM interesting, you might be more willing to venture into something a little more hardcore. You never have to do anything you’re not comfortable with, but if it turns you on, why not? There are lots of stores – real and online – that can provide you with costumes, toys, sexy shoes, gags, muzzles, leashes and anything you can imagine to help you get your BDSM groove on. Just make sure you have your safe word handy (or a safe gesture if you’re gagged) and you’re ready to go!

First and foremost, whether you’re engaging in regular sex or BDSM, it’s important that you’re comfortable with everything on the table. Communicate to your partner beforehand what you like and listen to what they like – be open and honest about sharing your fantasies and non-judgmental when it comes to acting them out. If you’re open to it, you and your partner can find lots of ways to enrich your sex life and have a more exciting and satisfying time with each other!

Rough, Hard Sex – Is It A Fetish, Or Something More?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 13:39:27 +0000

There are as many ways to have sex as there are people in the world – whether you enjoy slow, sensual intimacy with your partner or a little raunchy fun, sex is an incredible experience between two people. Many people enjoy rough, hard sex – is it just a fetish or something more?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I love rough, hard sex. I like to have it all the time! Is this just a fetish or is there something wrong with me?

–Alyssa, New Jersey

What Goes On Behind Closed Doors?

What goes on in your bedroom – or living room or kitchen, for that matter – is your business as long as it is between two consenting adults and isn’t harming anyone. Most of the time sex – even the rough, hard kind – falls into this category but occasionally it doesn’t.

Make a mental checklist of what is going on between you and your partner when you have rough sex. Are both parties consenting adults? Is either party being hurt in some way? Usually, this is where some types of rough, hard sex cross the line.

Some people enjoy being hurt, but it’s important to look at the extent of it to decide how much is too much. Strangulation and asphyxiation are especially dangerous, as are things that would require either partner to seek a doctor’s attention afterwards.

If you like rough, hard sex, just make sure you’re being safe.

Is It A Fetish?

Typically, a fetish is an obsession with a single thing – such as shoes or bondage – but that doesn’t mean a liking for rough, hard sex is excluded. If you enjoy rough sex all the time, so much so that you avoid having any other type of sex, you might have a bit of a fetish.

That’s okay – as long as you’re not truly hurting someone or involving someone that doesn’t want to be involved. If your partner really enjoys rough sex and you do too, it can be a great way to connect in the bedroom.

If your partner enjoys rough, hard sex and you typically do not, that’s when it may cross the line.

Open Communication

If your partner likes hard sex and you don’t, make sure your partner knows this right away! You don’t have to submit yourself to sex that isn’t enjoyable to you and may be hurting you.

Chances are, your partner will be open to finding new ways of pleasing you and themselves without rough sex.

If feel that your partner might have a serious issue with rough sex, especially if they refuse to stop even after you’ve asked them to, it’s definitely going too far. If this is the case, consider the fact that you and your partner might not be a good match for each other.

Whether you enjoy rough, hard sex with your partner or prefer a softer side of your partner in the bedroom, just keep the lines of communication as open as you can.

Whether it’s coming up with a safety word that lets you both know it’s time to stop or simply letting your partner know you’re not really into the hard sex fetish, communication is the key to a healthy and happy sexual relationship.

What’s Your Safe Word? How to Get Off Without Getting Hurt

The Beautiful Kind — Fri, 30 May 2008 15:09:38 +0000

You’ve seen the stories in the news – a woman dies during a sex play session with her husband.

The articles are vague, but they usually mention the word “kinky,” a kitchen appliance malfunctioning, and the husband being held for questioning. You don’t want this to happen to you.

BDSM is fun and exciting, but you have to invest time in making it a positive experience for everyone involved.

Negotiating scenes, checking play equipment, and doing a little preparation ahead of time will keep things safe and sane. Here’s a little checklist of things to consider when veering from vanilla sex.

Addressing the Physical Side of BDSM

Be present. Don’t be drunk or otherwise out of it.

Never put anything around someone’s neck. OK, maybe a dog collar, but not ropes or bungee cords.

Don’t leave a restrained person alone. You don’t want your sex life to turn into a Stephen King novel.

If you’re playing with rope, have EMT scissors on hand in case you need to break out of something quickly.

Have water nearby to keep your honey hydrated and comfortable as you torment and tease.

Don’t lose your handcuff key!

When “no” doesn’t mean “no”: Part of your play might involve you pretending to resist, and your partner needs to know when you really need a time out. Have a safeword that is two syllables or less you can call out if things get too intense. (Mine is “bluebird,” as in, “the bluebird of happiness.”) It’s also a good idea to have a safetune to hum if the mouth is stuffed with something like a ball gag and you need a break.

Use safe props like cold water and ice cubes as punishment. It stings in the moment, but doesn’t cause lasting damage.

Addressing the Emotional Side of BDSM

Negotiate a scene. Discuss your turn ons, turn offs, limits, and what you both want out of the experience. Have any ideas for props or role playing? One fun way I discuss my fantasies with my partner is through Instant Messenger. We IM each other from separate rooms, acting out a fantasy virtually, which gets us worked up mentally and physically. Mmm, virtual foreplay!

Let’s talk about safewords again. One thing I have noticed in my experience is that I don’t want to use my safeword. I have come to think that uttering it would be weak, and it’ a source of pride for me that I don’t use it. GET OVER THIS MENTALITY. Your dom is depending on you to keep him or her informed of your state of mind. Body language can be read, but not minds. It might be a good idea to employ a play session where the goal is to make the sub use the safeword.

Afterwards, baby your sub. Make sure he or she is hydrated, warm, and comfortable.

Talk about it afterwards. Share with each other what you liked and didn’t like about the scene. If something freaked you out, that’s not a deal breaker, it’s a learning experience.

Once again I recommend filling out the BDSM fetish checklist, as it has a section on limits, safewords, and signals. Not only does your partner learn more about what turns you on, but in filling it out, YOU learn something about yourself as well. It’s so much fun to explore. Be safe, be well, and flog on!

Is It Normal For a Virgin to Be Into BDSM?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 16 May 2008 13:43:17 +0000

As a virgin, it’s normal to find yourself turned on and sexually excited by many things, even if you’ve never actually had sexual intercourse.

What turns you on is going to be different from what turns someone else on, and it’s important to embrace diversity and celebrate your uniqueness!

Is there ever a point where something that turns you on would not be considered normal, especially if you’re a virgin?

Well, yes and no. It’s a complicated situation that needs a hard, honest look.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I found your website on YouTube. I think I am into BDSM or there may be something wrong with me. I believe I am more Sadistic than Masochistic though and I am still a virgin as is my boyfriend. He likes to be clawed and chained (yet to let me do that though) and when I scream in pain because I got hurt or something he gets a little excited. I have clawed him so bad I took chunks of skin out of his hips and when he screamed in pain I laughed at him.

The idea of burning, whipping, tying down, flogging, wrist/handcuffing, caging, and torturing him sounds fun. Is there something wrong with me?

Is it possible for a virgin to be into BDSM like this?

- Barbara, Missouri

Virgin Into BDSM

BDSM often refers to fetishes in general, although many use it to refer to the old S&M or sadism and masochism. Some people find themselves turned on by being possessive and powerful or submissive and this is usually completely natural.

Do you enjoy pain? Many people do. Why else are tattoos, piercings and other body modifications so popular? Lots of people enjoy receiving pain and even giving it, and it’s nothing new to interpret BDSM sexually, even if you are a virgin. There is no law that says that if you’ve never had sex that you can’t enjoy giving and receiving pain and being turned on by it sexually. It’s the same for young men that are turned on by their parent’s Playboy magazines. It is simply what turns you on.

Can you ever go too far?

It’s important to look at what is “too far” for you. If you’re adamant about staying a virgin, than yes, having sexual intercourse would be “too far.” You need to examine your beliefs and morals on your own and really look at them to determine what would be too far for you and your partner.

That said, with BDSM, it is possible to go too far with the giving and receiving of pain. Are you and your partner getting hurt? Are you engaging in dangerous activity that could cause infections or transmitted diseases? If so, you may want to look at toning it down a notch, especially if anything that you and your partner are doing is illegal. If you’re simply looking to put a little kink into your relationship, there’s generally no harm in that.

Are you normal?

Normal, by definition, is something that doesn’t really exist in humanity. Everyone is different. If your attraction to BDSM and fetishes feels normal to you, you most likely don’t have anything to worry about, especially if you and your partner’s actions aren’t hurting anyone.

If you find yourself really looking to hurt your partner, hurt yourself or hurt other people and you feel as though something is wrong with you, don’t be afraid to get help. Seek counseling in an atmosphere where you won’t feel judged.

Overall, most inclinations towards BDSM are normal and perfectly healthy, even if you are a virgin. If you do find yourself hurting your partner or allowing your partner to hurt you, it is important to stop and perhaps tone it down. Nobody needs to get hurt to have a some good, old fashioned S&M fun.

Remember play it safe! Have a code word that you or your partner can use if things get too rough. Once the code word is said, everything stops. If what you’re doing is safe and appealing to you, just have a good time and don’t worry about it!

Tools of the Trade… Your BDSM Shopping List

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 08 May 2008 14:00:51 +0000

So are you ready to get your kink on?

What will you need? Where are you going to get it? How crazy do you want to be?

This article will offer an interesting twist on classic BDSM items, as well as introduce you to a few new possibilities.

Hint: I’ve found a new use for four AA batteries, and the results have been spine-tingling.

Bondage in Aisle 5 – Hardware Stores Seen in a Whole New Light

It’s so funny – now that I’m into BDSM, the most innocent places spark sexually interesting ideas. We’re talking hardware stores, garden stores, pet stores… I used to have to be dragged into these places for sink parts and dog food, and now I like ducking into the rope aisle to see what colors or textures they have in stock.

I’ll whiz past the rawhide chews to see what kind of dog collars will fit a human-size neck. (“Does this come with a matching leash?”) Garden shops have hemp rope for binding trees – now come on, trees aren’t going anywhere, let’s put that rope to better use!

The Shopping List

In addition to your hands and mouth, here are some suggestions for your BDSM bag of tricks, one for every day of the week:

1. Ropes

Practice your reverse prayer, chest harness, and hog tie techniques with a variety of ropes – nylon, hemp, cotton. Rough, smooth, thick, silky, it’s fun to experiment and find out which works best for you. Not only can you restrain someone with rope, but you can fashion it into something as sexy as lingerie – highlight various parts of the body and turn it into an art form.

Fun tip: Apply a vibrator to a taut length of rope and feel the vibration spread…

Where you can find it: hardware, garden, army surplus store, online. Or steal it from the local boy scout troop.

2. Handcuffs

Metal cuffs are edgier and more painful, and lend an extra air of humiliation to your play session. It’s especially intense when they tighten up as you’re having sex, it’s like being bitten. I also like the smell of them – the oiled metal is hot.

Where you can find it: sex store, gun store, your friendly neighborhood police officer.

3. Clothes pins

Clothes pins should be renamed “nipple clamps.” I mean, who uses them for hanging clothes these days? The inexpensive wooden clamps can be arranged in nice little rows along the curve of the torso or along the shoulder blades to make “angel wings.”

Where you can find it: grocery store, laundry aisle of retailer store, your old-fashioned neighbors clothesline.

4. Wartenberg Wheel

My girlfriend introduced this one to me (she has a bit of a medical equipment fetish). I LOVE this thing. It’s a stainless steel metal wheel on a handle with sharp pins radiating from the wheel. It rotates as it is rolled across the flesh, lighting nerves on fire. She likes holding me down and running it along my back, my front… she likes making me shriek and squirm.

Where you can find it: ebay, online BDSM store, neurologist’s office.

5. Flog

A flog is great because you can use it as the sweetest little tickle toy, or raise up some serious red welts by putting some muscle into it as you lay into your loved one. At this stage of my exploration, I’m enjoying the light sensations of the many little tails dancing on my skin. Flogs are usually made of leather or rubber.

Where you can find it: Farm supply store (riding crops too!), online BDSM store, make your own.

6. Butt plug

The butt is often the least explored body part, and that is putting tons of sensitive nerve endings to waste. Wearing a butt plug during sex can completely change the dynamics of an otherwise normal and pleasurable coupling. It can add a whole new level of intensity and vulnerability. And guess what – they aren’t just for the bedroom. You’d be surprised how many people are walking around in grocery stores wearing one. Turns a boring trip to the store for some sugar and cereal into something kinky and fun.

Where you can find it: sex store, online, your mom’s bedside table (OK that’s just a rude joke, but wouldn’t it be fun if it were true?)

7. Cobra Stinger

This is my newest discovery, and wow am I excited about it! The cobra stinger is this small black box with two metal prongs. It has a low and high setting. You have to touch both of the prongs in order to feel the minor electrical charge it puts out. Try touching it with two finger, and then running it up your arm. OR you can touch one prong and your partner can touch the other and get the current working through both of you.

Even trippier, if you are both touching it and touch the other person’s tongue – well talk about tongue tingling. It’s more about feeling a fascinating sensation than it is about pain.

Where you can find it: online BDSM store, in my hot little hand.

If you have a toy that you love that hasn’t been mentioned here, please share as a comment. We’re all learning as we go!

Next up: What’s Your Safe Word? How to Get Off Without Getting Hurt.

Are You Dom or Sub? Sexual Compatibility in the Bedroom

The Beautiful Kind — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 15:02:32 +0000

“Harder,” I whispered in the dark.

He tried to oblige and picked up the pace a bit.

“Harder!” I asked again. I needed it rough.

With that he stopped mid-thrust and it was game over for the night.

“I can’t treat you like that,” he said with disgust. I felt like a freak.

This was sex with my ex-husband.

Later, I had a relationship with another man, and I got him trained pretty well in the bedroom to do the things I liked, but out of the bedroom he constantly criticized me, complained that I needed to be more assertive and outgoing.

Fast forward through a handful of other brief failed relationships…

These days, I have a wonderful, loving, strong man who can give me a nice hard spanking or tie me up nice and snug. I finally found my dom – someone who can give me what I want in and out of the bedroom.

What is dom and sub?

A dominant person is a leader, likes to be in charge, is the person on top or does the tying. A submissive person is passive, a follower, is often the person being penetrated, and likes to be tied up.

A parallel to the dom/sub dichotomy is extroverted/introverted. For the most part, dom types are extroverts, and the subs are introverted. All you introverts out there know what a relief it is to have an outgoing partner who does well at parties. They take the pressure off of you.

A dom is often a boss, a politician, a lawyer. A sub is often a secretary, a jewelry maker, a massage therapist. But there’s always more than meets the eye! We’ve all heard of the high power businessman who pays a dominatrix to give him a good paddling.

So, dom or sub…which one are you?

Breaking a Pattern

I didn’t realize it, but I was habitually going for the wrong type. I have a thing for sensitive, intellectual academic types, and the men I kept ending up with had submissive personalities.

Turns out they wanted a woman who would lead the way, be in charge, wear the pants. I didn’t have that personality at all. I’m a skirt-wearing wimp. And the fact that I wanted it rough (oh fine – and that I had rape fantasies) made them nervous.

The guy who criticized me – we were one of those annoying bickering couples. And now I know that he resented me putting him in a dom role. It wasn’t comfortable for him.

Look at Your Own Relationship

Take a moment and think about your current relationship. If it’s good, it’s probably because you two match up well – one of you is predominately dom, and the other is predominately sub. If your relationship is tense or otherwise not ideal, it could be that you inadvertently ended up with a person who is the same type as you.

Two doms together are no good. Two subs together are also not good. If you’re matched up with the wrong partner, your sex life will be out of sync. Neither of you will be able to fulfill the other person if you both want to be tied up.

What to do? If you’re already paired up, explore the possibility of one of you switching roles and see how that feels. Some people find pleasure in both the dom and sub roles, depending on their mood.

If you are currently looking for a partner, keep this concept in mind while searching. Look for clues in other people that will indicate if you would be a good match or not. It’ll save you a lot of time and heartache.

Look at Others

Now take a moment to think about other relationships you know. How about your parents – is one of them the dominant type? Are they still together?

Think about the unhappy couples you know. What’s the source of their friction and frustration? What about the happy couples you know? Chances are, they are a good match because one is dom and one is sub.

I have a good rule of thumb for figuring out who wears the pants in a relationship – it’s the person who does most of the driving and whose voice is used as the message for the home answering machine.

But it’s not always so cut and dried. I thought long enough about one content couple I knew and figured out that the woman is a dom type who plays the submissive role.

Meanwhile, her husband is the sub type who is playing the dom role, and for some reason, this works for them. If one of them didn’t assume this role, then the whole thing would be off balance and they would run into problems.

Why do I think I’m such an authority on this? Well, I’m a self-proclaimed slut – I’ve had lots of sexual partners, LOTS of hands on research, and all that experience has given me insight on sexual compatibility in a way that someone who has only had sex with a handful of people can’t know.

I only wish I had this figured out ten years ago.

How to Get Your Freak On – The Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 15:00:55 +0000

A few months ago, I was talking to my new sex partner about what I liked in bed. “I like it a little rough,” I said, “You know, some hair pulling and some smacks on my butt while we’re having sex.”

He sat and pondered this and said, “Have you ever been bent over someone’s knee and spanked?”

Shocked, I exclaimed, “No!”

“Do you wanna try?” he offered.

I stared at him in astonishment.

He smiled and gestured at his lap. He wanted me to assume the position – right now!

My first instinct was to say no thanks – it was silly and weird! But then I reminded myself that I’m a self-proclaimed “trysexual,” so I decided to give it a go.

I lowered my pants, eyeballed him, then draped myself across his lap. He went slow, but he spanked me until my cheeks were pink. And they weren’t the only thing glowing. Turns out I liked it.

National Fetish Day

So how do you go about exploring BDSM and fetishes?

Everyone Has a Fetish

First, you have to come to terms with the fact that everyone is a pervert. That’s right – just like how everyone poops, every adult you know is secretly harboring their own brand of kink. Some never utter what truly excites them out loud. Some never share it with their partner. The poor dears are afraid of freaking people out.

It would be nice if there was a national coming out day for fantasies, a day where every person would put it right out there on the table and acknowledge their turn ons, As in, “Hello, my name is Lucy, and I have a thing for werewolves.” (At this point, my list of kinks looks like a dinner party grocery list.)

Believe me, even the most conservative person has something that titillates them. They tend to feel more ashamed and repress the feelings even more, then take it out on other people. This makes them seem mean, but really they’re just scared and frustrated. A nice spanking would probably do them wonders.

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary, How Does Your Fetish Grow?

I’m a big fan of taking baby steps. If you have a partner, plant a little seed and then back off. Don’t tell them, “I want to host an orgy.” Instead, say something like, “Wouldn’t it be hot if there was someone over there in the corner watching us have sex?” or “I think watching two girls kiss is completely sexy – if you had to pick a female celebrity to make out with, who would you choose, honey?”

Until your partner is more comfortable, always include them in your fantasy scenario. If you don’t, they will feel threatened and alienated. You want them to feel like they’re a part of this intimate thing you are sharing, a partner in crime, if you will. Be patient with them – give them time to digest the idea, and slowly up the ante when the timing seems right.

It’s even better to own up to your kinky fantasy if you’re single, and here’s why – you have the opportunity to put it out on the table from the beginning, which is a lot easier than springing it on someone later.

Yep, I challenge you – on the second or third date, tell her that you like wearing women’s underwear. Tell him you used to play Burglar with your girlfriends during sleepovers. This has worked wonders for me. Oh sure, I’ve scared plenty of people off, but I didn’t fake my way into a relationship, which pretty much dooms its chances of being a happy, open and honest situation.

Are You Ready to Come Out?

Sure you are! You can start by going online and searching for the things that turn you on. The one thing I’ve heard over and over again from loads of people is: “Thank God for the internet. I’m not the only one.” Join an online community – it feels great to be able to let down your guard and talk openly about what you like, even if it is anonymous.

Next, try it out on a trusted friend, the kind of friend who would pick you up at 3am if your car broke down, or bring you a care package of cold syrup and cough drops if you were home sick fighting a monster cold.

Finally, share it with the person you are closest to – you know, the one you live or sleep with. I hear a lot of people claim that they married their best friend, but a best friend in my book is someone you can share EVERYTHING with. As in, no secrets. So just do it already.

A Invaluable Tool

Not able to pinpoint exactly what gets you excited? That’s understandable – you’ve had to keep a lid on it for as long as you can remember. A great way to find out what you like (LOVE!) is to fill out a BDSM checklist. You can find several versions on the internet, but the ones I’ve seen have been limiting or incomplete in my opinion. So I’ve created my own ultimate BDSM fetish checklist. You can easily copy and paste it into a word processing program, or print it out.

Take your time filling it out, chip away at it. Your first pass through it will not be the most accurate. A great next step is to have a friend or your partner fill it out, then compare them. I guarantee when you see someone else’s, you’ll want to go back and add to yours, or change some of the answers to be more honest. (You might also want to fill it out again in a few months and see how the answers have changed.)

How does yours compare to theirs? Are they similar? Are they opposite? If you’re comparing to your partner’s list, how can you incorporate some of these new ideas into your routine? For instance, who knew that you both had a thing for latex? This calls for a trip to the party supply store! Or medical supply store, depending on the kind of latex.

Yes, your journey towards bringing out your inner pervert has begun – congratulations! You’re replacing society’s blindfold and gag with a kind that is much more rewarding and fun.

The Beautiful Kind’s Ultimate BDSM, Fetish, & Kink Checklist

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 14:58:03 +0000

It’s a Pervert Party, and you’re invited!

Copy this list into a word processing program so you can edit it, or print it out.

For each question assign a number based on this scale:

5 = This is something I REALLY like. Bring it on, baby!
4 = This is fun! Let’s go for it.
3= I’m not sure, kinda freaky, could be fun, let’s try it out.
2 = I’m not really into this, but if it excites my partner I’m GGG (good, giving, and game).
1 = Eh, I don’t think so.
0 = NO FREAKIN’ WAY.
? = I have NO idea what you are talking about. Seriously, I’m clueless.
* = fantasy only, stays in my head

Be as creative as you want – feel free to add, fill in blanks, specify, clarify. No, you don’t need to painstakingly fill out each and every number, you can whiz through if you like, use checks instead. Customize it to suit your needs; use a highlighter or different colors for your answers if it helps. Most of all, have fun!

Types of persona that turn you on

[ ] = I am this character, ( ) = Partner is this character

( ) Male
( ) Female
[ ] ( ) Transgender, drag, queer (_______________________)
( ) Ethnicities (Asian etc: _______________________)
[ ] ( ) People with accents ________________
[ ] ( ) People with disabilities (Type: _______________________)
[ ] ( ) Teachers, professors, librarians
[ ] ( ) Lawyers, judges _______________
[ ] ( ) Business professionals, managers
[ ] ( ) Interns/assistant/secretary
[ ] ( ) Nurses, doctors, medical professionals
[ ] ( ) Religious figures (rabbi, priest, nun) _____________
[ ] ( ) Nobility, royalty (Princesses or: _______________)
[ ] ( ) Musicians (Rock stars, violinists, etc: ____________________)
[ ] ( ) Athletes (Football, basketball, baseball, etc: _____________________)
[ ] ( ) Wrestlers, martial arts, ninja etc: ___________________
[ ] ( ) Blue collar workers (Mechanics, maids, other:__________________)
[ ] ( ) Bikers, Hells Angels
[ ] ( ) Cowboys, cowgirls, farmers
[ ] ( ) Soldiers, marines
[ ] ( ) Sailors, coast guard, lifeguard
[ ] ( ) Police officers
[ ] ( ) Firefighters
[ ] ( ) Mail carrier, milkman, FedEx _______________________
[ ] ( ) Airplane pilots, flight attendants
[ ] ( ) Truck drivers
[ ] ( ) Bride, groom
[ ] ( ) Hunters
[ ] ( ) Surfers, extreme sports, skateboarders
[ ] ( ) Tattooed, pierced, body modified (Type: ____________________)
[ ] ( ) Pirates, rogues, guerillas
[ ] ( ) Historical figures (Civil War, Nazi, Abe Lincoln, ancient Egyptian or:__________________)
[ ] ( ) Inexperienced/virgin
[ ] ( ) High school boys/girls/cheerleaders (consenting adults!)
[ ] ( ) Prostitutes, pimps, sex workers, Johns, sluts
[ ] ( ) Fantasy creatures (mermaid, werewolf, vampire, etc.) ___________
[ ] ( ) Furries
[ ] ( ) Droids, robots, machines
[ ] ( ) Daddy, uncle, brother, cousin ___________
[ ] ( ) Mommy, aunt, sister, cousin ____________
[ ] ( ) Babysitter
[ ] ( ) Divorced
[ ] ( ) Widow(er)
[ ] ( ) Older sibling’s friend
[ ] ( ) Older people, elderly ____________________
[ ] ( ) Executioners
Others, please specify: (clowns, sci-fi, superheroes, etc.) ________________________

Fetish Extra Credit

[ ] ( ) Smoking
[ ] ( ) Alcohol
[ ] ( ) Soft drugs (marijuana or: _______________)
[ ] ( ) Hard drugs (heroin or: _________________)
[ ] ( ) Exhibitionism (being watched)
[ ] ( ) Voyeurism (watching)
[ ] ( ) Erotic dancing
[ ] ( ) Watching porn
[ ] ( ) Making porn (photographed or videotaped)
[ ] ( ) Oral sex
[ ] ( ) Forced oral
[ ] ( ) Male ejaculation, cum play _____________
[ ] ( ) Female ejaculation, squirting
[ ] ( ) Menstruation
[ ] ( ) Urination, golden showers
[ ] ( ) Defecation, scat
[ ] ( ) Vomit
[ ] ( ) Anal play/sex ___________
[ ] ( ) Double penetration
[ ] ( ) Fisting
[ ] ( ) Hot play (candle wax, etc)
[ ] ( ) Cold play (ice cubes, cold showers)
[ ] ( ) Foot worship
[ ] Group sex _____________
[ ] Bestiality __________________
[ ] ( ) Necro/unconscious/sleeping ____________________
[ ] ( ) Unshowered
[ ] ( ) Infectious (yeast infection, STD’s or:_____________________)

Favorite body parts: Ass back breasts legs hair feet hands eyes pussy cock __________

Turn offs: _________________________________________________________

Clothing or accessories that turn you on

[ ] = on me ( ) = on my partner

[ ] ( ) Leather
[ ] ( ) Rubber, latex
[ ] ( ) Patent leather, PVC
[ ] ( ) Sexy lingerie, panties, bras _________________
[ ] ( ) Corsets
[ ] ( ) Satin, silk
[ ] ( ) Uniforms (UPS, military, servant, schoolgirl ______________)
[ ] ( ) Clothing style (Gothic, preppy ___________________)
[ ] ( ) Jeans (denim)
[ ] ( ) Legwear (Fishnets, pantyhose, tights ______________)
[ ] ( ) High heels
[ ] ( ) Boots _____________
[ ] ( ) Wifebeater t-shirt
[ ] ( ) Patterns (Leopard print, polka dots, argyle ________________)
[ ] ( ) Glasses
[ ] ( ) Hair (hairy, hairless, braids, beards, shaved head __________________)
[ ] ( ) Wet suits
[ ] ( ) Diapers
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

More Props

[ ] = on me, ( ) = on my partner

[ ] ( ) Ropes
[ ] ( ) Leather cuffs and belts
[ ] ( ) Steel cuffs and chains
[ ] ( ) Silk to be tied with
[ ] ( ) Dildos
[ ] ( ) Vibrators
[ ] ( ) Butt plugs
[ ] ( ) Needles and pins
[ ] ( ) Bondage table
[ ] ( ) Nipple clamps and clothespins
[ ] ( ) Blindfold
[ ] ( ) Masks __________
[ ] ( ) Gags
[ ] ( ) Whips
[ ] ( ) Riding crops/flogs
[ ] ( ) Paddles
[ ] ( ) Canes
[ ] ( ) Cage
[ ] ( ) Body bag
Any other props (Balloons, cock rings, stuffed animals, vegetables ____________)

Which of the following places turn you on?

Check all that apply

[ ] Your bedroom
[ ] Other place in the house (basement, kitchen, etc. __________)
[ ] Bathroom, hot tub
[ ] Other people’s houses (parents, friends, party ______________)
[ ] Mansions, bed & breakfasts
[ ] Museums, libraries _____________
[ ] Theater, stage
[ ] A school or a classroom
[ ] Camping, cabins
[ ] Woods and forests
[ ] Beaches
[ ] Farms and stables
[ ] Abandoned buildings
[ ] Back alleys
[ ] Junkyards and car dumps
[ ] Cars/vehicles ___________
[ ] Parking garages
[ ] Truck stops
[ ] The red light district
[ ] Strip club
[ ] BDSM club
[ ] Seedy bar/pool hall
[ ] Swanky upscale bar
[ ] Hospital, dentist/doctor office
[ ] Military barracks
[ ] Interrogation room
[ ] The shrink’s couch
[ ] Jail, police station
[ ] Dungeon, castle
[ ] Churches and abbeys
[ ] Cemeteries, morgues
[ ] Geographical location (The South, Ireland, third world country ______________)
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

Which of the following scenes would turn you on?

[ ] = Done to me ( ) = I do to partner

[ ] Vanilla romance (dinner by candlelight, movie dates, cuddling)
[ ] Rough housing, wrestling
[ ] ( ) Massage
[ ] ( ) Making love in a public place
[ ] ( ) In the woods and suddenly a stranger comes from behind and grabs me
[ ] ( ) Stranger walks into the bedroom and finds me playing with myself
[ ] ( ) Rough sex (hair pulling, biting, etc.)
[ ] ( ) Being “raped” __________________________
[ ] ( ) Being in a public place and dominated in a subtle way
[ ] ( ) Being taken out with collar and leash
[ ] ( ) Being used by more than one dominant
[ ] ( ) Playing in combination with other couples
[ ] ( ) Ordered to please others
[ ] ( ) Sitting/kneeling at my Master’s feet
[ ] ( ) Being tied up, caressed and loved
[ ] ( ) Tied up and tickled
[ ] ( ) Tied up and (sexually) teased
[ ] ( ) Tied up in a comfortable position
[ ] ( ) Tied up in discomfort
[ ] ( ) Tied up and (in a sexual way) exposed
[ ] ( ) Tied up and whipped, flogged or caned
[ ] ( ) Restrained and left alone
[ ] ( ) Not being tied up, but verbally commanded to pose in certain positions
[ ] ( ) Tortured without being tied or cuffed
[ ] ( ) Verbally humiliated
[ ] ( ) Breast worship
[ ] ( ) Breast/nipple torture
[ ] ( ) Grabbed by the hair and dragged into the bedroom
[ ] ( ) Spanked because I have been a naughty girl/boy
[ ] ( ) Face slapping
[ ] ( ) Caned, flogged or whipped without being tied or cuffed
[ ] ( ) Used as a slave in public
[ ] ( ) Used as a slave in private
[ ] ( ) Total slave every day of the week
[ ] ( ) Sold on a slave market
[ ] ( ) Used as a dog, pony or pet
[ ] ( ) Physical limits are tested and stretched
[ ] ( ) Mental limits are tested and stretched
[ ] ( ) Sign a contract (i.e. “I am your slave for one week and will do your bidding…”
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

I enjoy the following psychodramas

[ ] = for me, ( ) = for my partner

[ ] ( ) Being silent or speaking only when spoken to
[ ] ( ) Dialogue in normal language
[ ] ( ) Dialogue in adapted language (“Master” and “slave”)
[ ] ( ) Swearing and filthy talk
[ ] ( ) Reasonable rules
[ ] ( ) Unreasonable rules
[ ] ( ) Obey rules or else
[ ] ( ) Punishment/rewards
[ ] ( ) Begging
[ ] ( ) Feeding (someone feeding me, me feeding someone else)
[ ] ( ) Persuaded, rather than commanded
[ ] ( ) Military/jail type commands
[ ] ( ) Strict training
[ ] ( ) Subtle role play
[ ] ( ) Obvious and explicit role play
[ ] ( ) Make me feel guilty
[ ] ( ) Make me feel cheap
[ ] ( ) Make me feel used
[ ] ( ) Make me feel owned
[ ] ( ) Make me feel useless
[ ] ( ) Objectify me
[ ] ( ) The dominant must have compassion
[ ] ( ) The dom must have no compassion at all
[ ] ( ) The dom must only have compassion after the scene
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

Check any of the following that applies

[ ] I need to be sexually aroused before I enter into a scene
[ ] I need to be sexually aroused when in a scene
[ ] I like as many orgasms as I can get
[ ] An orgasm must only be allowed as a reward
[ ] An orgasm is a must to end the scene
[ ] Orgasms are not important, but nice
[ ] Orgasms are not important at all
[ ] I want to beg for an orgasm first
[ ] I want no sex during a scene
[ ] I want/need sex during a scene
[ ] I want my sexual abilities to be stretched
[ ] Sex should be used to relieve tension
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

Safe words and signals

Check any of the following that applies

[ ] The submissive discusses what he or she wants ahead of time
[ ] The dominant surprises the sub
[ ] One or more safe words should be established
[ ] All activity should stop immediately when the sub uses a safe word or signal
[ ] When sub uses a safe word or signal the dom should establish if scene can continue
[ ] A scene should go on up to the point where sub uses a safe word or signal
[ ] When the sub cries, the scene should stop
[ ] The dom should be able to read body language
Others, please specify: ___________________________________

Ooh, It Hurts So Good: Sadism & Masochism – The Pleasure of Pain…

The Beautiful Kind — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 13:41:13 +0000

The first time I ever had sex was on the hardwood floor of a friend’s house.

He was older, on top, and yep, it hurt.

But I was amazed at how receptive I was to that discomfort, how I welcomed it and accepted it as part of the complete sex package. Years later, I still feel that mingling of pleasure and pain when intercourse is initiated, and wow, is it nice!

What is S&M?

The correct sexual term for sadism and masochism is to combine it – sadomasochism, or S&M.

The sadist part refers to a person who gets sexual pleasure from inflicting pain on another person. The pain can be mental or physical.

Masochists are people who get off on receiving pain. If your immediate thought when it comes to sadomasochism is of whips and chains, well, I like your way of thinking, but that’s just on the extreme end of the spectrum.

Sadism is to domination as masochism is to submission.

That means that S&M doesn’t necessarily have to be hardcore role playing – it can be what I like to call “gentle-rough sex”.

It can be having your hair pulled or your nipples pinched. It can be your partner teasing you to the point where you’re begging for sex. It can be light, playful, and just a little bit edgy.

It’s up to you how far you want to take it.

Who Does S&M?

Lots of people.

That woman in the carpool line ahead of you. The guy who made your sub sandwich at lunch today. That mousy shy co-worker of yours who avoids eye contact. Your sister. The lawyer who fixed your traffic ticket…

You get the idea.

We’re not talking serial killers or crazed nuns out for revenge – most of the folks who dabble in S&M are nice, normal, kinky people. And they are all around you, like a zombie monster movie, only way more fun.

Where Does S&M Take Place?

Mostly, in the bedrooms of ordinary houses in the suburbs.

But it can also happen in trendy downtown lofts, 23rd floor penthouse suites, out on the farm, and sure, in clubs with S&M dungeons. Most cities have clubs like that, or fetish nights.

There are also thousands of online communities and local groups who meet to discuss safety, equipment, and exchange tips on what kitchen utensils work best in sex play.

Why S&M?

Pain and pleasure are two separate things, but they are closely related. They both stimulate nerve endings, they’re both associated with the mad release of endorphins, and they both make you feel alive.

Vanilla sex is more physical – S&M is more mental.

What do I mean by that? Vanilla sex is simple – it’s about giving and receiving pleasure. S&M is more complex – it is delving into your deep, dark fantasies, sharing them with another person, pushing your limits, and facing fears.

Most of us are conditioned to avoid pain at all costs.

That makes sense – we’re hardwired for survival. But to embrace it – to subject yourself to it deliberately and on your own terms – that is a way of finding control in a world where you often lack control.

Both sub and Dom participants will often find themselves in a euphoric “zone” once they push past a certain point.

For instance, I knew a friend whose father was dying of cancer. She took care of him, but during her respite free time, she met up with a Dom who would punish and beat her. It was her way of coping with the guilt associated with her sick father, and was an effective way to take her mind off of the helplessness she felt.

As for me, I like being bit or having my hair pulled or my bottom spanked.

I’m curious to see how much I can take, and I’m lucky enough to have found a good Dom who is willing to be my guide. He doesn’t get off so much on inflicting pain as he does in seeing how much it arouses me.

I get turned on, he’s turned on, it’s a win-win situation.

I wonder if someday I can handle a belt or paddle…Stay tuned!

To learn more about The Beautiful Kind, visit TheBeautifulKind.com.

What Everyone Ought to Know About BDSM

The Beautiful Kind — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 13:50:11 +0000

That’s right, acronyms aren’t just for the office anymore – it can be a regular alphabet soup in the bedroom, too.

I’m talking about BDSM – the ultimate antidote to vanilla sex.

Sure sex feels good on its own, but have you ever thought about taking it up a notch, pushing your boundaries? Do you have any freaky fantasies that might be ready to leave your head?

Prepare for a challenge – get off your butt and onto your hands and knees, grab a candle to light the way – but don’t forget to let some of the hot wax drip on your sensitive flesh…

What does BDSM stand for, anyway? The interchangeable initials stand for:

Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism

Let’s expand on the first four now, because S&M deserves an entire article of its own.

As you read through the list, pay attention to your feelings.

Which concepts intrigue you the most and inspire you to place an ad on a fetish site, or buy your partner a pair of shiny steel oiled handcuffs?

Bondage

I can’t remember if my first exposure to bondage was watching the Wonder Woman television show or receiving pink and green paper Chinese handcuffs in a party favor bag, but I know that both of those things had me daydreaming of lassoing that boy who always ran away from me on the playground, or tricking him into being my slave for a day because I had him trapped by his fingers.

Bondage is incorporating restraint into lovemaking.

It’s giving yourself over to the pleasure and entrusting yourself to your partner. Being tied up can feel scary, relaxing, embarrassing, arousing, intense…The sky’s the limit with the emotions that can come into play.

It’s also a great way to utilize neckties now that they aren’t worn in the workplace much anymore. I’m always pleased to visit a friend’s house and see colorful neckties affixed to their bedposts – it’s a sure sign of a healthy sex life.

These days I’ve graduated to nylon rope, which is easily obtained at hardware stores. More discriminating folks in the lifestyle opt for hemp rope, which is available online and in sex shops in a variety of colors.

Discipline

Thank you sir, may I have another?

Discipline is the use of rules and punishment to control the behavior of someone else. A rule can be as simple as not allowing someone to say “thank you” for the evening, and if they transgress, punishment ensues.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of the word “punishment”?

Spanking, perhaps? Oh sure, I love a good classic like spanking, but punishment needn’t be physical. BDSM can be extremely creative, not to mention mental.

I have my own personal list of punishments that I like being “forced” to do. Plus my partner is always good at keeping me on my toes. Or on my knees…

Domination/Dominant/Dominatrix/Dom

Also known as the Master, Mistress, Boss, or Top.

A Dom is in charge, gives orders, calls the shots and administers the punishments.

But he or she has to have the right balance of kindness and meanness, kind of like that tough love you hear about when it comes to parenting teenagers.

An example of a good Dom move would be giving the sub a good smack on the rear, then tenderly kissing the sting away.

Does it sound like the Dom can do whatever the hell he or she wants? Think again. Ultimately, the play session is limited to what the sub is willing to do. Communication is king, so discussing ahead of time what is on the sexual menu and what is off limits is critical.

Important note: Being a Dom is not an excuse to be a jerk.

Submission/Submissive/Subordinate/Sub

Also known as the slave or bottom.

Now this is my specialty. I’m a caseb sook submissive – I like being told what to do and get off on being “used”. I also like rules-and-punishment mental mind games and serving my Dom.

A sub might toy with being humiliated. Penetration is a big part of being sub. Some subs expect pleasure in return, while other submissive’s only goal is to pleasure their Dom. This is more slave-like behavior.

For me, it depends on my mood. Sometimes I like to see how much pain I can take – I get a sense of accomplishment after a particularly intense session, and I look forward to building up my tolerance. Sometimes I endure an unpleasant experience, such as getting my face smacked or being called dirty names, and find it doesn’t sit well with me at the time it’s happening.

Only later after having a chance to analyze it do I find it to be arousing. It’s like peeling the layers of an onion, right down to the tears you might shed. Intense!

Switch

Some people are only comfortable in one of the roles – Dom or sub. But some people can assume either role, depending on the mood or setting.

Versatile, these are the same folks who do well at large parties and small gatherings, who don’t mind driving or being in the passenger seat, or can watch super-dude action films and chick flicks.

I used to think I was pure sub, but the other night I accidentally stumbled into a “Dom for a day” situation where my partner told me he was at my disposal. I was surprised to find I liked shoving his hands above his head and having my way with him. Who knew?

That’s the beauty of BDSM – it’s a fascinating way to explore yourself and your partner through a perversely intimate power exchange, a way to turn reality upside down and own it on your own terms.

The key to making the dynamic work is trust. Yep, BDSM is like one big trust fall.

Are you ready to let yourself go?

BDSM Dilemma – Should I Tell My Parents?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 13:15:33 +0000

No matter how close children are to their parents there are some things that probably shouldn’t be shared – and sexual preferences is one of them.

Most of the time parents don’t really want to know about their children’s sex lives. Just like most people do almost anything in their power to avoid thinking about their own parents as sexual beings, parents balk at the very idea that their children have sex at all, even when those children are well into adulthood.

Add to this already existing unease an element of danger, perversion, or “evil” (as are often associated with the term BDSM), and it’s easy to see why having this discussion could do more damage than good.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

A few of my very close friends know that I am into BDSM.

Because BDSM is so taboo, I could never tell my parents. My friends feel that I am lying to my parents because I tell them I am going to see someone else when I am actually going to see my Master. I am well over eighteen so I don’t feel that I am legally obligated to tell them.

– Amanda, Kentucky

Should I Tell My Parents I’m Into BDSM?

The Short Version Is – It’s None of Their Business

Really it’s not! As long as you’re an adult you’re entitled to make your own choices, including the choice to engage in and enjoy consensual BDSM sex play.

Unfortunately society hasn’t evolved enough yet to openly accept the fact that people derive pleasure from all sorts of sexual activities. Those that involve pain, bondage, and other “deviant” behaviors are especially persecuted.

Although this is slowly changing, and BDSM is moving into the mainstream, there’s still a good chance that those you do tell will look at you differently, and will disapprove of your lifestyle choices.

In general, people have a hard time accepting sexual preferences that differ from their own. Parents are no exception.

Unless your parents are also sexual explorers and have dabbled in BDSM themselves, the likelihood that they’ll understand why you would even consider engaging in those types of behaviors is very slim.

You are Still a Child to Your Parents

It’s important to remember that in your parents’ eyes, you are still a child in need of protection and guidance. Depending on the morals and values your parents tried to raise you with, telling them that you’re involved in BDSM could be a proverbial “slap in the face”.

They may interpret your choices as going directly against the very things they believe are good and right. As best, they may accept your differing morality, but at worst, they may denounce you completely as being an amoral or bad person.

They Will Probably Try to “Fix” You

If you decide to tell your parents about your BDSM adventures, don’t be surprised if their reaction is to try to “fix” you somehow. They will probably try talking you out of liking such activities or suggesting you see a psychologist to “get over” this issue.

Be prepared to spend a lot of time and effort explaining yourself and fielding their well-intended attempts to change you.

There is, of course, the possibility that your confession could make you closer to your parents if they are very open-minded people. But since these kinds of parents (and people) are rare, don’t count on a positive reaction!

Instead, weigh your decision carefully, keeping in mind that telling them could ruin the relationship you have with them now. Choose your words wisely, and know what you are going to say beforehand. This isn’t a conversation you’ll want to improvise on the spot.

Consider Getting Your Own Place

Although it’s understandable that you don’t want to continue lying to your parents, you shouldn’t feel like they have to know where you’re going every time you leave the house either.

You’re an adult, and as an adult you have the right to your privacy. Why not consider eliminating this problem completely by getting your own place?

One of the best things about being a “grown up” is you get to do your own thing without having to answer to anyone else. Getting your own place will give you that sense of freedom, and you won’t feel forced into lying to those you love anymore.

Keep Your BDSM Preference to Yourself

Whether or not you continue to live with your parents, our best advice is to keep your BDSM activities to yourself. Now that you’re an adult, you’ve earned the right to make your own sexual choices and to keep those choices private – use them!

Is it Possible to be a Shy Dominatrix?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 18:58:29 +0000

Those are two words that you don’t normally see in the same sentence: shy and dominatrix.

Is it possible to be both? Here’s a question from Melissa who is a little confused. She always considered herself to be submissive, but lately, she keeps meeting others who want her to dominate them.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am a submissive and lately I’ve been meeting people that want me to dominate them. When I try I get shy and can’t do it.

So how do I NOT be shy when they asked me to do this?

–Melissa, Washington

Is it Possible to be a Shy Dominatrix?

Of course it’s possible. Anything is possible…

If you consider yourself to be submissive and yet you find others wanting you to dominate them, I can see where this could get a little confusing.

The big question I have for you is ‘Why are you attracting these people?“.

If you are truly submissive, why do these people keep wanting you to dominate them. It’s normally quite obvious where a person lines up – a little to the top or to the bottom.

Are you sending mixed signals? Maybe you are a wolf in sheep’s clothing?

The really big thing you have to ask you self is “Are you sure about what you want?”

Sometimes we end up in a role, whether in life or sex, and find ourselves wondering how we got there. Maybe it’s time for a change and maybe not, but it’s worthwhile taking some time to get really clear about what you truly enjoy. Try on various roles and see what fits you best.

Start Slowly

If you do want to try the dominant role, then just start slowly rather than trying to put on the whole show all at once.

Just try little things and work your way up. That will give you time to decide if that is the role that you want or not. You don’t have to get dressed up in leather and spike heeled boots, tie him up, and punish him on the first try.

Start small and work your way up. Find and test your limits gradually. This works anytime you want to overcome shyness with with any area in your life. Take the first little step in that direction. The important thing is to take that first step.

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