Ask Dan and Jennifer » emotional cheating

How Keeping A Journal Can Reveal If Your Lover Is Cheating

Jim Walthby — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 13:05:32 +0000

Our minds aren’t perfect at remembering special details and specific facts. Far from it.

Our brains work selectively; they store and recall certain bits of information while forgetting others.

For example, you might remember, for whatever reason, a phone number that has little or no importance to you, but forget the birthday of someone you really should buy a present for.

For the most part, this selective/subjective memory trait creates no real problems in our day to day lives. We can look up a number if we forget it, or ask a friend of a friend for the day of the month on which someone’s birthday falls.

When Selective Memory Is A Problem

However, sometimes it can make things slightly trickier. One such time is when we suspect our partner may be cheating on us. Imagine you walk into the room just as your partner is putting down the phone and they seem a little on edge or tense as they turn around and see you.

The incident may stick out in your mind for weeks, niggling at you, making you wonder: did it mean something, was it a sign? Fast forward to a different occasion, when your partner returns home from a business meeting or other engagement late and immediately jumps in the shower, even before properly saying ‘hi’ to you.

You might rationalize their behavior by thinking: “Well, they were probably tired or something. They surely just felt like refreshing themselves with a shower,” then forget all about it.

You might be 100% right, but that’s not really the point. The strange phone incident and the unusual dash to the bathroom on returning home could both have happened because your partner is cheating on you, and conversely they both could be wholly innocent and not caused by infidelity.

The point here is, remembering one incident over the other and thus giving it more weight or meaning than the other in your mind could potentially make it much more difficult to ascertain what is or isn’t going on, whether they’re trustworthy or not.

So, to combat the human tendency to selectively remember and therefore consider some incidents more than others, and therefore improve your chances of revealing the truth, you should keep an objective, non-selective record of everything that happens. Here’s how it works:

Keep A Journal

Use a journal or diary, not a digital method of recording events, changes in behavior/habits/moods, etc. Noting things in your own handwriting allows each piece of information recorded to be absorbed more deeply and permanently by your mind than if you type them out quickly on a computer.

Also, paper records (a diary, journal, etc.) are usually more portable than laptops, PC’s, etc., which could come in handy if/when you spot a potential sign of infidelity away from home.

Be Objective

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8 Ways You May be Betraying Your Lover

Scott and Stephen Petullo — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 18:45:17 +0000

Infidelity comes in many different forms besides having a sexual relationship with someone other than your lover, assuming you’ve agreed to a monogamous relationship with that person.

We’re often asked how romantic betrayal relates to spiritual tenets such as karma and personal destiny. In two words, a lot. Our long-term empirical research firmly indicates that everything you do and say will return to you, and usually not in the same lifetime.

The Big Picture

When looking at the big picture in relation to your love life, it’s important to realize that key circumstances and events, "good" and "bad," happen because that’s the way your soul (not your personality) planned them before birth so you can learn your lessons and grow spiritually.

However, you do have free will to make the most of every situation. You can also limit your future life karma by treating others as you want to be treated now. Below we list five ways you may be betraying your lover, possibly even without realizing you’re doing so.

1. Emotional Cheating

You have an emotionally intimate relationship with someone other than your spouse. You’re not sleeping with this other person, but still you have an intimate connection that you explore and nurture. If this sort of relationship isn’t acceptable with your spouse, then you are betraying them.

2. Fantasizing Outside the Relationship

You’re regularly fantasizing about someone else, even while in bed with your partner. If you and your partner have an agreement that it’s okay to do so, then fine, but beyond that, it’s a form of betrayal.

3. Disregarding Personal Health

You stop maintaining your health, take up unhealthy habits that cause your looks to deteriorate and, or otherwise are not making the most of your appearance and looking your best for your partner.

4. Decreasing Sexual Frequency

You limit the amount of sex between you and your significant other. Worse, you start to offer sex to your partner only under certain conditions, perhaps in exchange for something such as giving you more of his or her disposable income.

5. Cutting Off Your Partner

You cut off your lover emotionally or intellectually, or otherwise limit or sever vital human contact. Sure, relationships go through certain stages where you may change the way you relate, but to intentionally starve him or her of the type of emotional or mental contact you had prior is a form of betrayal.

6. Financial Irresponsibility

You are not financially responsible, spend more than you both make or have, and risk his or her good credit standing. Telling your lover he or she should be making more money isn’t an excuse for spending too much.

7. Just Pretending

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Is Phone Sex Really Cheating? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 12:26:03 +0000

In a world where technology is growing with no end in sight, it’s not uncommon for people to seek sexual pleasure or to fill sexual voids using technology.

Whether it’s phone sex, internet cyber sex or online dating, many people end up using technology to their advantage to spice up their sex lives or further their relationships. What happens if you’re doing these things while you’re in a relationship with someone else? Is it really cheating?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I love my husband and have tried for years to get him to be more open with sex. I am not shy at all and prefer more sparks and even some dirty talking. He won’t ……at all. He prefers it quiet and the same. Here is the problem. I met a wonderful man on yahoo chat. He’s married as well and neither of us will ever leave our spouses. We have the most amazing phone sex imaginable. I’m afraid otherwise without this outlet I would have strayed. But this “cyber sex” fills a need and keeps me home where I love my husband.

Am I a horrible person…….should I stop?

– Chris, Wisconsin

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Breaking Your Partner’s Trust

Cheating is anything that breaks your partner’s trust, or is something they don’t know about and you’re trying to keep hidden from them. It’s not necessarily just physically having sex with someone else other than your partner that constitutes cheating.

Swingers do that all the time and obviously for them, it’s not cheating. Consider cheating to be anything that you wouldn’t do with your partner around or that your partner doesn’t know about.

Would you have phone sex with someone else with your partner sitting right there? Would you chat with your online sex buddy while your partner was over on the couch watching a movie?

Chances are, you’re doing these things without your partner’s knowledge. It may seem less "bad" than actually having sex with someone else, but all of those things, whether it’s having phone sex or having actual sex, breaks your partner’s trust. So it’s cheating.

Coming Clean

For a relationship to survive, you have to be open and honest with your partner. You can’t hide things from them or continually do things that break their trust. If you do, the relationship will never last. If you care about your partner and truly want to have a fulfilling relationship with them, it’s important to come clean about the cheating.

Let them know what you’re up to. Let them know that you truly care about them and you’re simply fulfilling a need that’s not emotional. Don’t be critical and don’t blame your partner for "making you do this."

Ask Your Partner How They Feel

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