Self sabotage can take many forms such as engaging in addictive behaviors (i.e. drugs, alcohol, pornography, work , etc), engaging in affairs, withdrawing emotionally, becoming irresponsible with financial matters or personal hygiene, regressing into child like behaviors where you are unconsciously asking your partner to take care of you or rescue you, etc.

Self Sabotaging Behaviors

Of course, such behaviors can only be tolerated for so long even by the most caring and loving of partners before things become unstuck and everything falls apart.

The self sabotaging partner will then feel initial pangs of grief and sadness but there may also be deeper feelings of relief as well. Why is this?

Well, largely because the self sabotaging behaviors are sourced from deep emotional hurts that the individual carries within them either from earlier relationships, and more often from early childhood familial traumas.

These emotional hurts often make the individual feel unworthy, lacking self esteem and self confidence, defective or deficient in some way (i.e. the "there’s something wrong with me" feeling), afraid of being found out by others (especially their partner), incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship for any length of time and generally fragile and anxious.

It’s Really Just a Facade

So although this person desires to be in a relationship, being fully known to their partner entails the great risk of being rejected hence they supposedly feel more in control when they themselves initiate the demise of the relationship through self sabotage.

Behaviors that supposedly compensate for such inner feelings of hurt and allow the individual to "appear together" when they first meet a new partner. However such a facade is in place to unconsciously seduce the partner into a relationship so that they can begin to fulfill a hidden unconsciously held agenda.

The facade is needed because deep down the self sabotaging partner does not believe that they are genuinely lovable.

The hidden agenda is about allowing the "handicapped" partner get the care, soothing and love they need to feel whole and OK about themselves. Unfortunately this not what was bargained for by the relatively more healthy partner and so when it becomes apparent that they have been deceived the relationship begins to falter.

So How Can This Be Remedied?

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Related articles:

1. ‘Am I Too Fat To Be Loved?’ – How Being Overweight Affects Your Relationships
2. Happy Relationships: How To Replace Fear And Doubt With Gratitude, Love and Trust
3. How Men Can Create Healthy And Happy Relationships
4. Balanced Relationships: You, Me and We
5. What Stories Are You Telling Yourself About Your Partner?

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