Ask Dan and Jennifer » engaged

Avoid These 5 Marriage Proposal Mistakes That Leave Women Feeling Disappointed

Michael Webb — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 21:45:18 +0000

Did you know that a man once hospitalized his girlfriend trying to propose to her?

It’s true! He slipped the engagement ring into her shot glass and as they toasted to his speech, she swallowed it! Now, she survived, but they did need a trip to the emergency room.

In fact, it’s ‘embarrassing yet funny’ proposals like these that remind me of the 5 ways that guys totally DESTROY this precious moment for women by making horrendous mistakes. Please don’t make these mistakes…

1. CREATING A PUBLIC SPECTACLE

Whether it’s a party, family get-together or Yankee game, realize that you should never propose to your beloved if she wouldn’t feel comfortable with a public proposal.

Not only may it embarrass her, but she may feel pressured to say "Yes," only to tell you the truth later. Bottom line, think about what sort of person your lady is: Is she shy, cautious or a little reserved? Then maybe a private proposal is the better way to go.

2. "OVER-DOING" THE PROPOSAL

Some men’s idea of an amazing proposal is slapping together all the “usual” romantic things into one big event and calling it a "marriage proposal." Sadly, this couldn’t be further from the truth. For example: A man serves the candlelit dinner, presents her flowers, chocolates, a teddy bear and then proposes to her.

Yuck. I’m sorry, but if you believe your lady deserves the most magnificent experience of her life, then understand that normal "everyday romance" is only good for… everyday romance! not a proposal. She’ll never admit it, but she’ll most likely be disappointed.

3. BEING UNPREPARED

You usually only get one shot at your proposal so you MUST get it right! No pressure . Always rehearse through the things that could go wrong, create backup plans and please make sure your proposal idea is safe! If you’re creating a more elaborate proposal, you’ll need extra caution.

Physically rehearse through the situations, discover what could go wrong and work out solutions around them. Get your friends together and brainstorm the sticky situations that could come up on the day. Of course, life is unpredictable and things may change but be prepared the best you can.

4. SPENDING TOO MUCH MONEY

Hang on! You’re probably wondering, “How is spending TOO MUCH money on a proposal a problem?” Well it all depends. The problem with money is that it often becomes a substitute for creativity. As a result, you get a "nice" memorable proposal but nothing that’s “jaw-dropping!”

5. USING A "DONE TO DEATH" PROPOSAL IDEA

Now here’s the biggest mistake of them all. Yes, coming up with creative and original ideas to propose is tough, but it’s a must if you want your moment to be remembered and talked about for years to come!

Your proposal needs to be personalized to your girlfriend. What are her favorite hobbies, music and interests? These are the starting points to an incredible proposal that everyone will talk about for years.

While the Eiffel tower, hot air balloons and getting the waiter to bring out the ring on a platter are "okay" ideas, they’re not creative and original enough for the most important and memorable moment of both your lives.

Michael Webb is the author of "The Romantic’ Guide To Popping The Question," a book filled with 101 Creative and Unique Marriage Proposals, hand-picked as award-winning stories from a total of 7,329 entries in his worldwide competition.To learn more, Download The Romantic’ Guide To Popping The Question.

I’ve Shown My Commitment to Him. Now Why Won’t He Propose? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:59:39 +0000

You’re in a committed relationship. You’ve shown your commitment to your partner in one way or the other, and now you’re ready for them to show theirs. Will they propose? When will you get the ring? How can you let your partner know that you’re ready to take the next step?

While approaching your partner and flat out telling them they need to propose is not necessarily a good idea, there are ways to communicate your emotional needs about commitment to your partner without putting the pressure on.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been with by BF for 2.5 years – both divorced with kids. I am moving an hour away from my work & family to be closer to him. Thing is, now that I have shown my commitment by buying a house and moving closer to him, I would like for him to show his and give me a ring.

We don’t intend to marry for several years yet but I would love that we are sharing with our children & families that we ‘intend’ to one day. I am taking a huge step and it would be a wonderful representation of his efforts if we could have that symbol. Marriage is not important to him as he feels committed without that.

How do I share that a ring is not just a material object to me, without pushing him away?

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Why Are You Looking For A Ring?

Often, people will keep scores in their relationships. They may feel that because they did something for their partner, they’re owed something in return. Is this why you’re looking for a ring? You’ve proved your love and commitment, and now you feel it’s time for them to prove theirs. Is this healthy? Actually, it’s not.

Relationships aren’t about keeping score or proving anything. You’re with your partner because you love them and you do things for them because you love them. This is what makes a relationship beautifully dynamic! If you’re looking for a ring so your partner can "prove" their love to you, you might be looking for the wrong reasons.

This doesn’t mean you have to give up all hopes of getting a ring, however. For many people, rings are a symbol of commitment and they’re a wonderful way to share your love with each other.

Telling Your Partner What A Ring Means To You

If a ring would mean a lot to you emotionally, you’re certainly entitled to let your partner know how you feel. The important part of letting your partner know what’s going on in your mind is not to tell your partner that they "have" to give you a ring, or that they "should."

Let your partner know what a ring symbolizes to you and how having one would make you feel. Keep the discussion about how you feel, and not what you expect. This will keep the conversation from going downhill and backfiring.

What If They’re Not Ready?

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Getting Married? 6 Reasons Why You Need Pre-Marriage Counseling

Lisa Brookes Kift — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 14:57:35 +0000

Most couples spend more time planning their weddings than their marriages! With divorce rates at an all time high, it seems that couples are facing more challenges than ever in preserving their relationship stability.

In my relationship counseling work as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve seen countless couples who come into my office at the “end of their ropes.”

Many have very shaky relationship foundations, diminished emotional safety and little ability to deflect internal conflict within their relationship, let alone the stressful external events that life sometimes can dish out.

If you think about the amount of financial and emotional investment that goes into preparing for the wedding itself, doesn’t it make sense to invest a little in strengthening the relationship at the onset?

Many couples preparing for marriage honestly believe they are strong going into the union – and they probably are in a lot of ways. Being caught up with all the loving feelings and other feel-good stuff going on ahead of nuptials, couples often don’t consider the potential pitfalls. Those “pitfalls” are often times what leads them into a therapist’s office some time down the line.

I strongly encourage couples to give their marriages the best possible start – to do all they can ahead of time to avoid marriage counseling later. Based on my experience with couples who see me for marriage counseling and the issues they bring in, there are a number of things that would have been helpful for them to have known about or worked on previously.

Here are six great reasons to get pre marriage counseling:

Strengthen Communication Skills

Being able to effectively listen, truly hear and validate the other’s position is a skill that isn’t necessarily a “given” for many people. Couples that really communicate effectively can discuss and resolve issues when they arise more effectively.

You can tune up your talking and listening skills. This is one of the most important aspects of emotional safety between couples.

Discuss Role Expectations

It’s incredibly common for married couples to never really have discussed who will be doing what in the marriage. This can apply to job, finances, chores, sexual intimacy and more.

Having an open and honest discussion about what each of you expect from the other in a variety of areas leads to fewer surprises and upsets down the line.

Learn Conflict Resolution Skills

Nobody wants to think that they’ll have conflict in their marriage. The reality is that “conflict” can range from disagreements about who will take out the trash to emotionally charged arguments about serious issues – and this will probably be part of a couple’s story at one time or another.

There are ways to effectively de-escalate conflict that are highly effective and can decrease the time spent engaged in the argument. John Gottman’s research (www.gottman.com) has shown that couples who can do this well are less likely to divorce in the end.

Explore Spiritual Beliefs

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She’s Crying On My Shoulder While Living With HIM (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 21:59:59 +0000

Office romances are tough enough, but…

Take an office romance, add infidelity, and throw in an abusive relationship… and you have a potentially very dangerous love triangle.

Fact is, many people don’t get out much, and they meet their friends and lovers at work, at the gym, or somewhere in between. Office romances are a very common occurence, though potentially complicated and unpleasant if it goes bad.

It’s one thing to have a fling with someone at work. But it’s an entirely different thing to get involved with a married co-worker.

Courting a married woman

If the lady is married or engaged, things get a lot more complicated.

A surprisingly common scenario is an unhappily married man or woman looking for a way out, an escape from their unhappy relationship. Co-workers tend to spend more time together these days than do married partners, so it’s only natural for a relationship to blossom and grow, particularly in the case of someone with an unhappy home life.

But beware the complications and implied promises. She may be clinging to you as her way out, in a "grass is greener on the other side" sort of way, not in a "I want to be with you forever" sort of way. The closeness doesn’t necessarily mean you’re "destined to be together", or that you’ll even stay together once she leaves her relationship. Remember this isn’t necessarily malicious on her part in any way, it’s just the mind’s way of escaping a bad situation.

Abusive relationships… how to break the cycle

To take this up another notch, let’s throw in an abusive relationship. Not only is she unhappy with her partner, but he’s also abusive with her. So at home she’s emotionally and sometimes physically abused.

All of a sudden, your relationship with her is blossoming and growing more than before. You’re not only her friend and confidant, but in contrast to her spouse, you’re warm, loving, and kind – and she seeks and feels the promise of a better life.

This can be a good thing, but as you get close, you start wanting to help her escape her abusive relationship. You want her to be with you, and you want her to be safe, comforted, and happy.

But SHE is the only one who can break the cycle of abuse. She has to decide if and when she’s had enough, and she has to ask for help – or accept help. Until that time, until she has made up her mind that it’s time to leave, there’s no chance of making the abusive situation go away.

Are you in danger?

The other man is generally not too happy to see his replacement showing up… especially if he’s still engaged or otherwise in a relationship with the lady in question, and doesn’t yet know he’s going to out in the cold.

And when you’re talking about someone who is capable of violence, as in "an abusive spouse", this is a recipe for bad things to happen…