This is something you should start discussing with your S.O. no later than the day after you get engaged. The sooner you can settle on a date, the sooner you can go to work on the rest of the planning process.

Decide On The Wedding Size

Before you can set a date, you have to decide exactly what kind of  wedding you’ll have. If you and your partner want a big ceremony with lots of guests, a full bridal party, and a huge reception, you may very well need at least six months to a year to get everything set up.

If you want a small ceremony with only a few friends and family, you may only need a month or so. Should you and your partner be anxious to get married and not into a traditional wedding, you might even consider eloping as soon as possible. You can always have a party to celebrate your marriage with all of your friends and family after the fact.

Picking A Special Date

Another factor to consider when picking a date is whether or not there’s a special date that means something to both of you. Maybe you want to get married during a certain time of year so you can have an outdoor ceremony, like late spring or early fall. Or maybe there’s a meaningful date, like the day you first met or the anniversary of your first date that you want to be your date.

If either of these scenarios is the case, you may have a big wait, particularly if you need time to plan and that date or season is coming up quickly. Should that be the case, you might have to wait until that date comes up next year instead of this year, or your planning might be too rushed. If neither of you wants to wait that long, you need to be willing to sacrifice your idea of a perfect date or season to get married in.

Venue Availability

Your date will also be determined by the availability of the venue you want to get married in. Some venues, like religious ones, may already be booked for someone else’s  ceremony on the date that you want. It’s a good idea to have a window of dates or a few backup dates in mind in case your ideal date is booked. Otherwise, you need to be willing to be flexible on the venue.

The same thing goes for who will perform the ceremony. If you belong to a specific congregation and want your preacher, priest, Rabbi, etc., to perform the ceremony, you will most likely need to be flexible on your date. If the two of you are just going to use a justice of the peace, however, you can probably pick the exact date you want. Odds are that someone will be available for that day.

In the end, finding the right date mostly comes down to what your priorities are. If you have a detailed dream wedding plan, you’re probably going to need more time and have to be more flexible with your date to make everything work. If you and your fiance’s number one priority is to make the marriage sooner rather than later, you’ll have to be willing to be looser with your wedding plans. Just make sure that you’re both on the same page about your priorities, and you’ll settle on the right date in no time.

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I’m getting married to the most amazing man I’ve ever met. He’s perfect. We’ve never even had a fight…until…I told him I was keeping my “maiden” name. I’ve worked hard in my profession to build the brand name and I don’t want to change it. My fiancée is super insulted. He says I’ve I don’t say I do to his last name, we aren’t getting married. How can we fix this?

What She Said:

It sounds like a heated situation for such a happy occasion, complicated by the fact that you’re both “in the right.” He sounds like a traditional sort of guy who’s probably been operating off the assumption that you would naturally take his name after marriage.

Take A Look At His Perspective

Take a moment in his shoes to acknowledge that he’s probably in shock. In fact, he may even be taking your insistence on having your maiden name as some form of rejection towards him. He might also have concerns about naming your kids, if you’re both thinking of having children. (Though different last names in one household is a common occurrence these days.)

Reassure him that your love is as strong as ever, no matter what you are called. You two definitely need to find a way to step away from this ledge, otherwise known as the ultimatum he just gave you.

Your Right To Have Your Name

Now let’s take a look at you. You have every right to have your name – it’s definitely a different day and age; the taking of the husband’s name isn’t necessarily the norm it used to be. Building a name in your profession is a huge deal – and one that’s hopefully supported by your future husband. Honoring that accomplishment is every bit as important as your relationship. It’s a part of you, and that means it stays.

Getting Creative To Reach A Compromise

But how does it stay? It’s time to get creative. Perhaps you use your maiden name professionally, but take your husband’s name for your private life. Actors often prefer this option. Jennifer Aniston was Aniston on the screen and Pitt in “real” life – until Brad strolled off with a certain someone. Maybe not the greatest example, but you get my drift!

I’m not sure of the legalities, but it seems worth looking into. Flip that coin and take a look at Jack White (of The White Stripes). He took his first wife’s name – and kept it. He liked it so much that his second wife and their kids all use it too. Now that’s progressive! Of course, there is the lovely option of hyphenating. That can be a great compromise and a way for you to both get what you want.

I hope you can reach an agreement without losing sight of the most important thing – your love and your wonderful future together.

What He Said:

This is a big slap in the face to a lot of guys. I’m guessing you guys never talked about this prior to the argument, which is where a lot of the disagreement comes from. I know it’s not spontaneous to discuss marriage parameters before popping the question, but it’s better in the long run.

Next Time, Talk First

If you’d have had this discussion with him before hand, you wouldn’t be having this problem in the relationship now. If it’s that big of an issue for him, he could’ve made an informed choice. I still think this will blow over. He’s blown way too much $$ on you to back out now.

Do you know what those rings cost? Kidding. Sort of. It will probably blow over, with a little time & TLC. It would be hard to imagine that he loves you enough to spend the rest of his life with you but not enough to get past this. If you have any other bombs to drop before you get married, you probably want to discuss it with him first.

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Engagement is a big moment in not only your relationship, but also your life, so you want it to be as perfect as possible. A proposal should be personal and memorable. Most importantly, it should also be successful. All your work will be for naught if you don’t hear a “yes” at the end of it. Making it truly thoughtful and special will go a long way toward getting you that positive outcome.

Consider Your Mate’s Personality

Once you’ve decided to pop the question, the first thing to consider is your S.O.’s personality. If your girlfriend or boyfriend is a private person, asking them to marry you at halftime during a football game probably isn’t the way to go. If they’re a huge sports fan and love big, public displays of affection, then that’s probably a good idea.

Is your partner a sucker for traditional romance? Then a candlelight fancy dinner might do the trick. If they’re outdoorsy, you might want to try a trip to the botanical gardens or a hike. The quirky S.O. might appreciate finding their ring at the end of a treasure hunt with clues you’ve put together yourself. Just make sure that you tailor the location and mood of your proposal to your love’s tastes. They’ll appreciate it on so many levels.

Referencing Your Dating History In Your Proposal

If you really want to win him or her over, try referencing past moments in your dating history. Take them to the first restaurant you ate at, or the park you walk through every Saturday afternoon together.  If you met through work or in school, try asking in front of your office building or at your mutual favorite spot on campus.

You can even address the moment you knew your S.O. was the one for you. Maybe you had a moment at a museum while looking at a painting together when you realized he or she was the one. Go back and propose in front of that piece of art. Perhaps you both bonded over a mutual love for animals, so you should pop the question at the zoo or when you’re taking your dogs to the dog park together. Proposing at a special location that is part of your story together can make the moment feel extra inspired.

Think About What You Will Say

You should also prepare what you’re going to say before your engagement, of course. Be honest and open with your emotions. Tell an anecdote about the first time you met or the moment you knew you wanted to be together forever. Talk about how much you love your S.O. and paint a well-worded picture of how you see your future together turning out. Enumerate the qualities your boyfriend or girlfriend has that make them the perfect fit for you.

Then explain why you know you’re their soulmate. Be confident, but don’t feel bad if you get nervous or stray from what you planned to say. Nerves and excitement can be somewhat endearing. It’s an emotional moment, and it’s fine to tear up or stumble over a word or two. Let your true feelings shine through, and your mate will be moved by them. Combine that with a well-planned proposal that’s tailored to your significant other’s unique tastes, and you’ll be planning your wedding together in no time.

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The most important thing you can do prior to getting married is make sure you and your significant other are on the same page. Within the first week of getting engaged, you need to cover all of the possible deal breakers, so you don’t find out about anything bad after you’ve already said “I do.”

She Said Yes – Now What?

So the question has been popped and answered in the affirmative—now what? If you’ve already discussed all of your plans for the future with your S.O., congratulations! You’re ready to start planning the ceremony. If not, it’s time to have a very serious discussion together. You two need to cover all of the possible deal breakers and make sure you’re either on the same page, or one of you is willing to bend for the other’s sake.

Talking About Children

First up is one of the biggest topics, children. Do you both want to get pregnant? If one of you does and one of you doesn’t, that can be a major deal breaker. Don’t convince yourself that you can go without the little rug rats you’ve been hoping for just because your soon-to-be spouse doesn’t want them. Definitely do not convince yourself that he or she will likely change their mind.

Give this topic very serious consideration, because if you want them and he/she doesn’t, it can definitely lead to divorce farther down the line. If you both want children, you probably need to set basic expectations about it now. If one of you wants them right away and the other wants to wait, be sure that you’re willing to meet in the middle before you move forward with your marriage. As for how many you want, it’s probably best to wait until you’ve actually had one child before you start deciding on numbers. In this area, as in all of the other major issues, it’s necessary to establish where you are willing to compromise and where you are not.

Talking About Religion

After the issue of offspring has been covered, it’s time to talk religion. If you both practice the same faith or are not particularly religious people, there won’t be much to discuss here. If you’re both the same faith, two Methodists for instance, but go to different churches, you should discuss whose church you’ll join.

Other than that you’re golden. If you’re not of the same faith, or one of you is more religious than the other, you’ll definitely need to examine this subject more. Does one of you expect the other to convert? If you have children, which faith will you expect them to practice? Clarify these issues now, and no major problems will arise further down the line. Besides, if you’re intending to have a religious ceremony, you’ll need to have this discussion so you can pick a venue, etc.

Talking About Finances

You will also need to discuss your living arrangements and financial situation. Does either of you already own a home, or are you both renting? In either situation, will one of you move into the other’s place, or are you going to find a new place to share? If you are going to find a new place together, you need to decide whether you want to buy a home or rent something. Then you should compare your expectations.

If one of you would prefer to go on renting an apartment and the other expects to be a home owner within two years, the sooner you can reach a compromise, the better. Discussing your finances will go hand in hand with deciding where to live. Now is the time to talk about whether or not you’ll combine bank accounts, if either of you has any debt, and more. Unromantic as it may seem, financial worries can cause marriages to crumble. You don’t want to find out six months after you got married that your new spouse is $20K in debt and expects you to put your salary toward that. Talk about fighting and a possible divorce waiting to happen!

Smaller Issues To Deal With

There are other smaller issues that can wait until after the honeymoon, like how you’ll be splitting household chores and deciding which person’s family to visit on each holiday. What’s most important is that you clear the air on the major parts of your future—children, religion, finances and living arrangements. If you can have an honest discussion on these topics and plan to tackle any problems together, you’ll start your marriage on a much happier note.

Getting these things out of the way prior to the wedding not only leaves you with less to worry over, but it also makes sure you don’t walk into marriage with incorrect expectations. If you’re not comfortable talking any of these topics over now, you may need to question if you’re really ready to be married or not. However, if you can start your engagement with this sort of openness, you’re setting a great precedent for the rest of your lives together.

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Question: Hi Dan and Jennifer, please help me. I am already 18 now and I’m afraid that my parents will be bringing up the “marriage issue” in a couple years. I don’t want to get married, not EVER!!! How do I avoid coming across this conversation in my life?

–YouTube Viewer

Dealing With The Issue Beforehand

Don’t wait to let the people that are important to you in your life know that you don’t ever plan to get married. Waiting until you’re in a long term relationship with someone that they would expect you to take the next step with to let them know that marriage isn’t something you want in your life may make things awkward when you visit your family with your partner in tow. Instead, let them know as soon as you decide that getting married isn’t your cup of tea. This may be when you’re young or even after you’ve finished school and have moved on into a career, but either way, it’s important to let your family know that a wedding isn’t in your future as soon as you decide that it isn’t.

Be Honest With Your Parents

You may be worried that your parents or your family are going to be extremely upset with you or angry that you don’t want to ever be a part of a marriage. This may lead you to believe that if you simply don’t tell them about it that you’re in the clear. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Your family loves you no matter what, so just be honest with them about what you want for your life and where you see your life going in the future. Let them know that you’re totally open to falling in love and being in a committed, long term relationship, but having a “dream wedding” isn’t one of your dreams.

Reserve The Right To Change Your Mind

You absolutely have the right to change your mind at any point during your lifetime. If you decide that you don’t want to get married now, but meet the person you want to live the rest of your life with and really want to wed them, it’s totally okay to change your mind and start planning the nuptials. If you decide later on that you do want to get married, you don’t have to not get married just because you said you didn’t want to earlier in your life. When talking to your family about your feelings towards marriage, let them know that you don’t ever see yourself having a wedding at this point, but you have the right to change your mind in the future if you meet someone that you really adore and want to get hitched.

It’s Probably Not Going To Be As Bad As You Think

If you’re young now, you may think that you’ll never want to get married and marriage is for saps. You’re probably eager to announce that you’ll never be caught dead in a tux or wedding dress and couples who get married just end up getting a divorce later anyways. The truth is, the idea of marriage probably isn’t as bad as you think it is. There are a lot of stereotypes when it comes to getting married and it’s easy to have misconceptions about what being in a marriage is really like. It’s nothing at all like you see on television or the movies and being married is a wonderful and satisfying part of many people’s lives. As you get older, you may discover that the idea of marriage wasn’t as bad as you thought it was. This is especially true if you meet someone that you really do want to spend the rest of your life with. If you decide now that you don’t want to get married, that’s your prerogative. If you live your life never being part of a marriage, that’s also your prerogative. If you decide later on that you do want to get married, that too, is your prerogative. Remember that the kind of life you live is totally up to you!

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Question: I am engaged to be married. I love this guy more than anything, we are 21 and have been together for almost 5 years. However, his parents do not want him to marry me. We are of different social classes and they think I “control” his life. The reason they think this is because their son has grown up and wants to make his own decisions and they don’t like it. His family treats me fine but it’s what they say when I leave that is the problem. By the way, I have never been fond of his parents.

–YouTube Viewer

Live Your Life

Your life is not about making decisions based on what other people think. If you are happy with your fiance and you have a good relationship, focus your energy on that rather than what his parents think about you. If you dump him because his parents don’t want him to be with you, you could be throwing away a great relationship that has the potential to enrich your life for years to come. You deserve to be in a happy and healthy relationship and if you already have one, don’t give it up just because someone else thinks he shouldn’t be with you. Make the decisions that better your life and deal with the rest later.

Are You Really Ready For Marriage?

It is possible to have a great long term relationship without ever getting married. So think about it. Are you really ready for marriage? Are you keen on marrying your fiance because his parents don’t want you to, so you can prove them wrong? If your motivations for marriage aren’t pure, or you aren’t completely ready to make the commitment of marriage, consider just having a great, monogamous long term relationship instead. You and your fiance can be happy together and have a healthy relationship without the marriage license if that’s what you want. Don’t tie the knot if it’s just in response to his parents’ dislike of you. You may come to regret it later.

How Will You Deal With His Family?

Before getting married, talk to your fiance about how you and he will deal with his family when the time comes. How will you arrange holidays? Will you accompany him on visits to the family? It may be fine for you to stay home before you have children, but once children come into play, it can be very difficult to have separate holidays. What does your partner think about it? Does he have any ideas on how he will handle the situation when you and he get married? These are things that you need to discuss with your partner before you tie the knot, so there are no surprises later on down the road.

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Question: People should START by being more responsible when they start relationships. Maybe you guys should stop giving advice on ending relationships and start giving advice on how people can be more responsible when starting a relationship. That why you can keep more marriages together and save their children from emotional and psychological distress.

–YouTube Viewer

Love Yourself First

The most important thing you need to do before embarking on a long term relationship or marriage is learning to love yourself first, flaws included. Many of us look for acceptance from others, when we haven’t accepted ourselves yet. Unfortunately, we won’t ever get the kind of acceptance we crave as human beings from another person unless we’ve done it ourselves first. Accept who you are, love yourself for who you are and other people will begin to do the same. Seeking outside approval is going to get you nowhere.

Don’t Try To Fix Them

The biggest problem in relationships and marriages is that a person doesn’t fall in love with someone for who they are right now, they fall in love with who they think this person will be after they are “fixed.” Many women try to change their boyfriends, partners and husbands after they’ve already gotten knee deep in the relationship. Men do it too, but it usually only ends in frustration and the dissolution of the relationship. Don’t think of how you can fix or change your partner, or that you’d love them if they just didn’t do this one little thing…learn to love your partner for who they are right now, not who you think they will be. Long term relationships are difficult, but they always help us grow. Allow your partner to help you grow and vice versa, but recognize the difficulty involved before you jump in. A good, loving, satisfying relationship or marriage is never going to be easy. But nothing that is easy is worth having. Try going to couples counseling before making a huge committment. Just because you’re in counseling doesn’t mean anything is wrong in the relationship – it’s also a great way to learn about your partner as well as learn about yourself, and learn about healthy ways to handle problems and disagreements that will inevitably come up in the future.

Don’t Stay In A Bad Relationship

If you’re in a bad relationship or marriage, don’t stay in it “for the kids” or because you believe in sticking it out. Even if there are children involved, chances are, they’re just as unhappy as you are in the relationship from having to hear all the fighting and bickering. There is absolutely nothing wrong with moving on from an unhealthy relationship, because often, that is the path that is better for everyone involved and frankly, moving on from an unhealthy or even abusive relationship is the grown up thing to do.

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The Benefits – And Downfalls – Of Dating In The Internet Age

One benefit to dating sites is you have access to your date’s birthday before you even meet. Do you know what that means? It means you have access to valuable information about them. You can consult a zodiac chart or something called The Cards of Destiny or any other system that uses birthdates to determine personalities and compatibility. My friend was seriously looking into her compatibility with this date before they’d even met! She was pinning a lot of hope on this first date.

We suggested to her that she just relax and let the date unfold without putting that much intensity into it. After all, it was just a first date between two people who hadn’t yet met in person. They weren’t considering marriage. It was just too early to require so much of any date – much less a first date.

When it was the evening before the date, she received an email from him. He told her he was calling off the date. He said she seemed to be too busy, that what he wanted was to travel, and he couldn’t see her being available for that. Inside herself she responded, “Geez! It wasn’t like we were engaged!”

Just One Date

What he missed out on by canceling on her was a lot! He missed out on the chance to connect with another person – a woman. He missed out on the opportunity to get to know himself better in conversation with her. He missed out on the prospect of enjoying the mystery of someone new in his life. He lost the possibility that she may have been ready to trade in her busyness for some travel. He lost the opportunity to make a new friend. He lost self-respect by backing out, being unwilling to keep his word for just one date.

Also, though, there was something very profound when she responded with, “Geez! It wasn’t like we were engaged!” The fact that my friend wanted to do an astrological compatibility on this man before she even met him made me want to talk her off the ledge of thinking this date was that important. We gave her the advice to just relax and enjoy herself. At the risk of sounding sexist, it seemed typical of a woman to jump so far ahead in her anticipation of this date. It never occurred to me that he might be in the same position of putting entirely too much stress on this first date – having entirely too heavy an agenda for it.

Enjoy Dating – Don’t Make It More Than It Is

My friend’s online dating experience prompts this advice from me. For single adults of all ages, try to relax and enjoy dating. You are likely to attract the right one as well as be the right one when you are relaxed and not taking life quite so seriously. Even if it has been years or decades since you visited the dating scene, there is more to be gained from a relaxed attitude than there is from the constriction of needing each date to hold so much meaning. Love comes unbidden, in its own time and on its own terms. You cannot force it no matter how much anxiety and agenda you bring to a first date. You may as well relax and enjoy the journey! There are far more benefits to that state of mind.

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I have no idea what the laws are in Texas about this, but in Connecticut, apparently, you have to return the ring if you decide not to marry. But of course, if you do marry, the ring is yours to keep.  Hmm, maybe in some states there is a statute of limitations on that, say if you are only married a year or less you have to give it back. I don’t really know.

I do know that the divorce rate in this country is at 36% (2008 US Census Report) currently and that the average first marriage lasts only 8 years! In 1964, marriages lasted, on average 34 years.  The whole concept of a “Starter Marriage” has erupted only in the past ten years. 

This is not a rant against getting married. I am all for it, in fact I have done it three times. I like the idea of being in a complete partnership with the person I love. Problem is most of us don’t have a clue how to do it and would rather spend (or have spent on our behalf) $25,000 on an engagement ring than to spend a dime on how to make the relationship work.

Divorce or Work It Out?

Whether you are married or just in a committed relationship you will understand what I mean. Intimacy is difficult and a marriage partnership is even harder. Most of us have come from “broken homes” ourselves (about 5,000 kids a year are affected by divorce). So how in the world are we to know how to have a committed, intimate connection?

Most of us try to wing it and listen to love songs and romance movies and think we can make it. We hope we are different from our parents and others we know. We watch our friends suffer through divorce and blame it on either a bad choice or bad luck. We hope we will be different.

Fantastical Impracticality

What other project in our lives do we take on with such fantastical impracticality? Most of know we have to be educated to be successful at tasks we expect to succeed at, yet in the most important area of our lives we are searching the internet for ideas on how to enhance our marriage and have never spent an hour with professionals.

Now, I am not promoting the idea of therapy for everyone since its not practical for some of us. Not having enough money for it is one thing. Not having the ability to determine how to find someone qualified is another. My husband had a series of traumatic experiences with therapists.

But, just like there are differences in the quality of education you get as a professional in any field, the advice you get for your relationship can vary dramatically even if you get it from professionals.

The internet abounds with tips on sex, intimacy, romance and promises to “keep your man” or “prevent a divorce”. Some of them may be very practical and helpful. 

What to Look For When Getting Advice

Whatever you choose to do it is important that you look for a number of things before you jump in and take the wrong advice:

1. What are the qualifications of the person? This can take the form of their own experience (been together and worked through their problems together, divorced and remarried having learned some things along the way,  are a professional with valid credentials, etc.)
2. Do you know anyone who has tried their suggestions? Get some testimonials!
3. Intimacy cannot be achieved with a quick fix and don’t believe any promises to the contrary.
4. Don’t expect that just because it worked for someone else it will absolutely work for you, you and your circumstances are different.
5. Don’t give up just because it appears to be hard work; anything worth having takes hard work to achieve.
6. Do you have problems letting someone close and you know it, yet keep trying to make it work? Work on your own issues first. You don’t have to be “fixed” but you do need to have the ability to let some one in at least to some degree!

Basically it comes down to this; educating yourself about how to make your relationship work long term (if that is what you want) is more important than spending $25,000 on an engagement ring, on a wedding, on a wedding gown or a on a fancy honeymoon. All of that is romantic and fun but if the marriage doesn’t last it will be bittersweet in the end.

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There are so many people out there who can speak on this topic.  There are many of us who have had a marriage end in divorce or separation.  It’s true, life DOES go on.. but how do those with ‘marriage experience’ under their belts now look upon the topic?  I find the question of ‘so, what did you LIKE about being married’ to hold two-part answers..

1. What did you think about your past marriage and

2. What do you believe (now that you are armed with the expertise) about marriage moving forward?

Did You Marry The Wrong Person?

First off, if you are in the position to have freed yourself from the clutches of a marriage gone wrong you likely view the problem as being the person you chose in the first place.  For whatever reason, the common theme in most dissolutions of marriage is that the two parts simply did not mix long term.

Which, in turn leads to a million other little issues or problems that eventually drive people to the breaking point.  Now, this is not the same thing as putting 100% of the blame onto your ex-spouse.  It is ultimately saying that perhaps it wasn’t the concept of marriage as much as the wrong person to take that path with, which is the constant most of us with ‘past’ marriages, can attest to.

Or Is Marriage Just A Bad Concept All Together?

There are those who are simply jaded toward the concept of marriage all together.  That one time was enough for them.  Since they did not marry the ‘right’ person to go the distance with the first time, they believe marriage is simply not for them.

They look upon marriage with disdain and feel that it is merely a trap and that most marriages either dissolve or that those who stick it out are not usually there because they ‘want’ to be.  I believe, people with this point of view are not thinking outside of the box on this one.  After all, if you had one bad job would you never take on another one again?

Holding onto angst and blame from a previous relationship only halts you from fulfilling any potential of a new situation.  Unless, the person who holds such grief toward the concept of marriage, does not believe in the concept of commitment or monogamy in the first place.  Then it’s more the idea of marriage that turns them off and not necessarily the partner.

Serial Brides & Grooms

There are also the rebounders who feel lost without having the routine of marriage as a part of their life & may even tend to become serial marry’ers!   That is likely the kind of person who holds the fear of being alone above the fear of marrying the wrong person again.

I would hope, that with any bad experience you would learn from it and move forward feeling more knowledgeable then you were before having that experience.  I was one of those people who always believed marriage could be a wonderful experience.  Having one failed marriage under my belt now, I feel that I am wiser for it.

It has not changed my hopes for what a marriage can and should be,but it has made my future choices for a partner more well informed choices.  For example, I would no longer convince myself that settling is acceptable.  For me to commit once again to a marriage, I would have to be sure that every detail of the fine mix that makes for a happy and successful marriage was fulfilled and not just ‘hope’ that it would be.

And never again would I allow myself to ‘settle down’ because settling should not be what  marriage is about..  I’d only ever do it again if it meant a relationship that broadened my life’s spectrum.  That added to who I am, not defined who I am.

The Up Side Of Marriage

So what do I LIKE about marriage?  I love having someone special in my life that I ‘want’ to do special things for.  I love the thought of having a sexual compadre at my fingertips.  Having someone there beside me at night.  Having someone in my life that I and others recognize as being a part of what makes up my core family.

I love the idea of commitment and the desire to make a marriage something that is enjoyable, fulfilling and supportive.  I love the thought of expressing my deepest form of giving through marriage.  Showing the world that I have chosen this person and that they have chosen me.

One might argue that it would be easy to attain all of these things under the boyfriend or girlfriend umbrella without the process of an official marriage stamp.  And this is true. Marriage is certainly not for everyone.  For those who have experienced it and do not see anything that they LIKED about being married, they have the first right of refusal.

I would wonder what the hesitation would be if the person who you loved and who loved you wanted another whirl at the marriage thing. Isn’t marriage the ultimate expression of giving one’s self wholly and without doubt? No one can predict what will come of ANY relationship, married or not – just the same as no one can predict if they will get hit by a bus.

I am the type who tends to never give up on something I believe in.  My first marriage ended yes, but part of the reason for that was my continued belief that a HAPPY marriage was possible and settling was never an option.  Perhaps marriage to me is the ultimate expression of giving everything that I have to one person and hoping that the one I’ve chosen would do the same for me.  And that’s… what I LIKE about marriage.

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It’s true! He slipped the engagement ring into her shot glass and as they toasted to his speech, she swallowed it! Now, she survived, but they did need a trip to the emergency room.

In fact, it’s ‘embarrassing yet funny’ proposals like these that remind me of the 5 ways that guys totally DESTROY this precious moment for women by making horrendous mistakes. Please don’t make these mistakes…

1. CREATING A PUBLIC SPECTACLE

Whether it’s a party, family get-together or Yankee game, realize that you should never propose to your beloved if she wouldn’t feel comfortable with a public proposal.

Not only may it embarrass her, but she may feel pressured to say “Yes,” only to tell you the truth later. Bottom line, think about what sort of person your lady is: Is she shy, cautious or a little reserved? Then maybe a private proposal is the better way to go.

2. “OVER-DOING” THE PROPOSAL

Some men’s idea of an amazing proposal is slapping together all the “usual” romantic things into one big event and calling it a “marriage proposal.” Sadly, this couldn’t be further from the truth. For example: A man serves the candlelit dinner, presents her flowers, chocolates, a teddy bear and then proposes to her.

Yuck. I’m sorry, but if you believe your lady deserves the most magnificent experience of her life, then understand that normal “everyday romance” is only good for… everyday romance! ­ not a proposal. She’ll never admit it, but she’ll most likely be disappointed.

3. BEING UNPREPARED

You usually only get one shot at your proposal so you MUST get it right! No pressure . Always rehearse through the things that could go wrong, create backup plans and please make sure your proposal idea is safe! If you’re creating a more elaborate proposal, you’ll need extra caution.

Physically rehearse through the situations, discover what could go wrong and work out solutions around them. Get your friends together and brainstorm the sticky situations that could come up on the day. Of course, life is unpredictable and things may change but be prepared the best you can.

4. SPENDING TOO MUCH MONEY

Hang on! You’re probably wondering, “How is spending TOO MUCH money on a proposal a problem?” Well it all depends. The problem with money is that it often becomes a substitute for creativity. As a result, you get a “nice” memorable proposal but nothing that’s “jaw-dropping!”

5. USING A “DONE TO DEATH” PROPOSAL IDEA

Now here’s the biggest mistake of them all. Yes, coming up with creative and original ideas to propose is tough, but it’s a must if you want your moment to be remembered and talked about for years to come!

Your proposal needs to be personalized to your girlfriend. What are her favorite hobbies, music and interests? These are the starting points to an incredible proposal that everyone will talk about for years.

While the Eiffel tower, hot air balloons and getting the waiter to bring out the ring on a platter are “okay” ideas, they’re not creative and original enough for the most important and memorable moment of both your lives.

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Problem is, the more you want to blow her away, the more frustrated and stressed you become by trying to come up with an original idea!

Not to worry.

Here are 3 ways to get your creativity flowing and come up with your winning proposal idea:

1. FIND THE “PERSONAL” TOUCH

Aww… your girlfriend likes restaurants. Well guess what? So does everyone else!

You need to dig for those unique and special things about your girlfriend that stand out, and use them as your starting point for proposal inspiration. Nothing speaks louder than a proposal that says, “I love you and understand you deeply” at the same time.

If you’re stuck for ideas, grab a piece of paper and think back to all the memorable moments while you two were dating. What are her favorite things to do? What place does she hold dear to her heart?

If she grew up on the beach, maybe you could take her to a high cliff near a magnificent beach where she grew up, and arrange for her to see the words, “Kim, will you marry me?” written in giant letters on the sand down below as the sun sets.

As another example: I once knew a girl who was totally OBSESSED with Superman. So in this case, instead of parachuting into a party to propose, why not do it in a Superman costume?

See where I’m going here? Your first step to a perfect proposal is making a list of all the things that are special to your loved one and using them as inspiration for your proposal.

2. ASK HER FRIENDS AND FAMILY

Believe it or not, no matter how long you’ve been dating, you’ll almost always discover some new “little known facts” about your girlfriend by simply asking her family and close friends. While these hidden gems might not spark a proposal idea themselves, they’ll certainly guide you in the right direction and further inspire you.

3. FIND THE **WOW** FACTOR

Want to know if your proposal will be exceptional? Explain your proposal idea to a female friend and if she isn’t “mouth-hitting-the-floor-with-astonishment” surprised, go back to the drawing board!

I’m serious.

This is the most important moment in her life (and yours!) If the proposal stinks, what’s she going to think about the YEARS ahead?

Some people say that you should keep proposals “safe” or “simple” by doing something that everyone’s already done before, but considering 80% of women said their proposals were less romantic than they’d hoped for, isn’t that telling you something? While most men spend lots of money on the ring, they often lack originality, which leaves the woman feeling disappointed.

In conclusion, if your proposal doesn’t excite friends and family, it certainly won’t excite your wife-to-be.

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While approaching your partner and flat out telling them they need to propose is not necessarily a good idea, there are ways to communicate your emotional needs about commitment to your partner without putting the pressure on.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been with by BF for 2.5 years – both divorced with kids. I am moving an hour away from my work & family to be closer to him. Thing is, now that I have shown my commitment by buying a house and moving closer to him, I would like for him to show his and give me a ring.

We don’t intend to marry for several years yet but I would love that we are sharing with our children & families that we ‘intend’ to one day. I am taking a huge step and it would be a wonderful representation of his efforts if we could have that symbol. Marriage is not important to him as he feels committed without that.

How do I share that a ring is not just a material object to me, without pushing him away?

Why Are You Looking For A Ring?

Often, people will keep scores in their relationships. They may feel that because they did something for their partner, they’re owed something in return. Is this why you’re looking for a ring? You’ve proved your love and commitment, and now you feel it’s time for them to prove theirs. Is this healthy? Actually, it’s not.

Relationships aren’t about keeping score or proving anything. You’re with your partner because you love them and you do things for them because you love them. This is what makes a relationship beautifully dynamic! If you’re looking for a ring so your partner can “prove” their love to you, you might be looking for the wrong reasons.

This doesn’t mean you have to give up all hopes of getting a ring, however. For many people, rings are a symbol of commitment and they’re a wonderful way to share your love with each other.

Telling Your Partner What A Ring Means To You

If a ring would mean a lot to you emotionally, you’re certainly entitled to let your partner know how you feel. The important part of letting your partner know what’s going on in your mind is not to tell your partner that they “have” to give you a ring, or that they “should.”

Let your partner know what a ring symbolizes to you and how having one would make you feel. Keep the discussion about how you feel, and not what you expect. This will keep the conversation from going downhill and backfiring.

What If They’re Not Ready?

You may let your partner know that you’re ready to take the next step and that having a ring would mean a lot to you, only to have your partner let you know that they’re not ready. It might be an emotional blow, but if your partner isn’t ready, they’re just not ready. Don’t force your partner into engagement or marriage.

They should be able to take that step when they feel comfortable, not because you’ve forced them to. Accept that your partner isn’t ready for marriage or engagement and leave it alone. If you love each other and you’re committed to each other, you can wait it out until your partner is ready to make the next step.

Focus on your positive relationship and how much you and your partner love each other rather than focusing on what “isn’t” happening. Let your relationship take its natural course. Both you and your partner will be happier knowing that you gave your relationship time to grow and mature, and only when the time was right did you move on to the next step. Sometimes, things are worth waiting for!

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Regardless, it is still a difficult situation to be in and one in which decisions must be made. It is never easy to choose between the possibility of having children and your partner.

That said, can you somehow make your partner change his mind? It’s not likely.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. He tells me that he loves me very much and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I feel the same way but he doesn’t want to have children. I can’t give up the idea of never having a child and I don’t think he will ever change his mind.  We were going to move in together, but since he made it very clear that he doesn’t want children, I decided to move to another state.  He wants us to continue communicating after I move. I don’t think this would be a good idea. My friend tells me that the emptiness and loneliness might change his mind.  I really don’t know what to think.

What should I do?  Should I continue communicating with him or see him?  Please help me.

- Jennifer, New Jersey

Talk to him.

In some way or another, you’ve found out that your partner is not interested in having children. That can be huge, life changing discovery, especially if you’ve looked forward to having children with your partner for some time.

Is the topic open for discussion? If so, take some time to go over with your partner your needs as well as his. Why doesn’t he want children? Does he want them later, but not right now?

Don’t pass judgment or be critical when you ask your partner these questions. You’re just looking for his side of the story so you can better understand where he is coming from. In turn, you should be able to share your side of the story and express your needs about wanting children.

It may be likely that the issue is non-negotiable. Some people just don’t want kids. They are content with their lives as they are and feel that children would be a burden. Some people feel as though they aren’t capable of caring for children. Either way, these are legitimate feelings that should be respected.

It’s non-negotiable . . . what do I do?

You’ve discussed the situation with your partner and he truly does not want kids. What do you do? It’s time to make a decision.

You can’t change his mind. You can try a number of things to try to change the way he feels about you and feels about the situation, but chances are these won’t work. Even if they did, the change would likely be short lived. Your partner has the right to have his own objectives for his life and that’s okay. You are only responsible for you and your life.

So what do you do? Do you choose the possibility of having children or do you choose your partner? It’s completely up to you, so take as much time as you need to think the situation over.

Don’t rush making a decision. Really think about what you want in life and what you’re willing to sacrifice to get it. Do you want children badly? Does the thought of having children of your own make you feel complete? Or do you feel as though your life would be lost if you and your partner didn’t make it? Ask yourself questions that really make you think.

When you’ve decided what to do, you need to break it to your partner. If you’ve decided to leave your partner or already have, you need to tell them exactly how you feel. You may be better off going your separate ways.

If you’ve decided to choose your partner over the possibility of having children, keep in mind that this can be a huge weight on your partner’s shoulders. They might not want to feel responsible for you not being able to have children and may break it off anyways.

All you can really do is take your time and make the decision you feel is right in your heart. Trust yourself to choose the best thing for you!

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You see, often people get married with the idea that their “chemistry” or undying love for each other will keep them together forever.

However, with almost 50% of marriages ending in divorce these days, it’s obvious that this isn’t the case. Therefore, it pays to know a few little secrets before getting married.

Here are 5 tips that help keep couples together long after tying the knot:

Tip #1 – Continue dating

Over the years, people often drift apart or relationships and marriages become stale because couples fail to do new and special things together. That’s why going on new and refreshing dates is so important. In fact, there is something about “dating” that creates a sense of magic in a relationship and can even bring relationships out of a rut.

While on a date, you also put more effort into your appearance, have more uninterrupted time to communicate on a deeper level and are naturally drawn closer together. Stuck for date ideas? Spend the day at the aquarium, zoo, museum, carnival, bookstore, beach or park.

Tip #2 – Delay is often better

It’s a well-documented statistic that couples who have dated for a year or longer before marriage have a significantly lower rate of divorce than those who married after a short dating period.

A year of dating gives time for many emotions to surface and many character traits to be discovered. You may adore someone in the spring, but despise him or her in the winter. Asking someone for his or her hand in marriage on the third date isn’t romantic. It’s gambling.

Tip #3 – Always express your love

Oftentimes, as a relationship matures, partners tend to stop praising each other because they ‘assume’ their partner already knows what they’re thinking. When in reality, a day should never go by without you praising your partner.

Compliment them on their cooking, reaffirm that they’re the greatest person in the world or tell them they’re a wonderful role model. If you want to be loved and romanced by your sweetheart, love and romance them first.

When they’re feeling loved, it is much easier to love in return. Are you a super supporter of what your mate does and says? So do you cheer them on and praise them constantly? Or do they constantly hear boos or silence?

Tip #4 – Take time to understand your partner

Couples with the most problems are often the ones that say, “I just don’t understand him/her.” So let me ask you: How knowledgeable are you about your mate’s profession or the degree they are pursuing? Do you know anything about his or her family heritage? Are you able to have a meaningful conversation about her cross-stitch hobby or his interest in rugby?

If you are a man, do you fully understand what women experience during PMS or menopause? You don’t need to be identical, but make an effort to learn about the things that interest your partner in life and you’ll grow closer as a result.

Tip #5 – Answer the BIG questions

Does your partner want kids? Do you both want careers? Do they have a history of spending their way into debt? Do they go to church?

In my opinion, the biggest reason almost half of marriages end in divorce is because couples fail to ask each other the right questions BEFORE they get married. I guess people think they’ll be able to change their spouses after marriage and everything will be better. Wrong.

If you fail to sit down and discuss finances, religion, sex, housing, your future, and other topics in great detail, you could end up with nothing but argument after argument for the rest of your days.

In the end, if you both have completely different views, desires and goals in life, there’s no guarantee that chemistry or “I love you’s” will help you stay together. Make it your utmost priority to understand each other ‘inside-out’ BEFORE you take that walk down the aisle.

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In my relationship counseling work as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve seen countless couples who come into my office at the “end of their ropes.”

Many have very shaky relationship foundations, diminished emotional safety and little ability to deflect internal conflict within their relationship, let alone the stressful external events that life sometimes can dish out.

If you think about the amount of financial and emotional investment that goes into preparing for the wedding itself, doesn’t it make sense to invest a little in strengthening the relationship at the onset?

Many couples preparing for marriage honestly believe they are strong going into the union – and they probably are in a lot of ways.  Being caught up with all the loving feelings and other feel-good stuff going on ahead of nuptials, couples often don’t consider the potential pitfalls.  Those “pitfalls” are often times what leads them into a therapist’s office some time down the line.

I strongly encourage couples to give their marriages the best possible start – to do all they can ahead of time to avoid marriage counseling later.  Based on my experience with couples who see me for marriage counseling and the issues they bring in, there are a number of things that would have been helpful for them to have known about or worked on previously.

Here are six great reasons to get pre marriage counseling:

Strengthen Communication Skills

Being able to effectively listen, truly hear and validate the other’s position is a skill that isn’t necessarily a “given” for many people.  Couples that really communicate effectively can discuss and resolve issues when they arise more effectively.

You can tune up your talking and listening skills.  This is one of the most important aspects of emotional safety between couples.

Discuss Role Expectations

It’s incredibly common for married couples to never really have discussed who will be doing what in the marriage.  This can apply to job, finances, chores, sexual intimacy and more.

Having an open and honest discussion about what each of you expect from the other in a variety of areas leads to fewer surprises and upsets down the line.

Learn Conflict Resolution Skills

Nobody wants to think that they’ll have conflict in their marriage.  The reality is that “conflict” can range from disagreements about who will take out the trash to emotionally charged arguments about serious issues – and this will probably be part of a couple’s story at one time or another.

There are ways to effectively de-escalate conflict that are highly effective and can decrease the time spent engaged in the argument.  John Gottman’s research (www.gottman.com) has shown that couples who can do this well are less likely to divorce in the end.

Explore Spiritual Beliefs

For some this is not a big issue – but for others a serious one.  Differing spiritual beliefs are not a problem as long as it’s been discussed and there is an understanding of how they will function in the marriage with regards to practice, beliefs, children, etc.

Identify any Problematic Family of Origin Issues

We learn so much of how to “be” from our parents, primary caregivers and other early influences.  If one of the partners experienced a high conflict or unloving household, it can be helpful to explore that in regards to how it might play out in the marriage.

Couples who have an understanding of the existence of any problematic conditioning around how relationships work are usually better at disrupting repetition of these learned behaviors.

Develop Personal, Couple and Family Goals

It amazes me how many married couples have never discussed their relationship goals – let alone personal or family.  I honestly think it just doesn’t cross their minds!  This is a long term investment together – why not put your heads together and look at how you’d like the future to look?

Where do you want to be in five years?  Approximately when would you like to have children?  How many children?  There are many areas that can be explored and it can be a fun exercise to do together.

Pre marriage counseling doesn’t need to be a long process, especially if you feel you’re starting out with a very solid foundation and only need some clarifications and goal-setting.  For some people who are poised to start out the marriage as a “higher conflict” couple or have deeper issues to contend with, the process could take a bit longer.

Regardless, be sure to take the time to invest in your marriage as you might in the event itself.  The return on your marriage investment has the potential to be life long!

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