Ask Dan and Jennifer » ex girlfriend

Still Living In The Past? How To Let Go Of Past Relationships And Be Happy Now…

Dr. Joe Rubino — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 19:26:38 +0000

Does the following scenario remind you of anyone?

Sue was totally in love with Jim. The couple met in high school and dated for eight years. Everyone who knew them expected them to get married and live happily ever after together. Then Jim met Karen. Before anyone knew what was happening, including Sue, Jim had eloped with Karen, putting an end to all of Sue’s dreams and expectations.

Sue was devastated. All she could think about was Jim and how she had been cheated out of a happy and secure lifetime with him.

She attempted to date other guys, but no one could compare to Jim in her eyes. Sue spent her days feeling sorry for herself and dreaming that one day, Jim would return to her.

After many years, Sue finally married another man. However, he could not measure up to Sue’s memory of Jim. As a result, Sue’s marriage was an unhappy one in which she never was able to give her all to her husband. After a number of unhappy years, her husband left Sue as well.

Sue lived out the remaining years of her life lonely, embittered and righteously indignant about how she had been wronged.

You Can’t Have A Happy Relationship In The Present If You’re Still Living In The Past

It is impossible to be totally present to life, living full out in the moment, if we are incomplete with our past. Instead of welcoming each new experience with a fresh perspective, we become bogged down in the baggage from previously unresolved issues. These issues steal our life energy and diminish of self-esteem.

All too often, when something does not work out as we had hoped, we worry about or re-live the event over and over again. Maintaining our focus on the past distracts and confuses us, draining our energy.

With less energy to focus on making the present an exciting passionate adventure, we slip into resignation and begin to see ourselves as limited, ineffective, unworthy, and even unlovable.

The future presents us with an opportunity to complete the past. When we do so, people and events no longer possess an emotional charge.

Communicating responsibly with the appropriate people and releasing any remaining opinions, feelings, upsets or emotions until there is nothing left to say is the access to clearing all residue that may interfere with moving on in life. When there is nothing left to say or do and you are void of further energy around an incomplete incident, you can start anew.

Complete The Past And Start Living Today

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Divorced After 23 Years – How Do I Move On? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 15:41:21 +0000

It’s difficult when any relationship ends, whether you’re the one who ends it or not.

It can be especially difficult if the relationship has lasted for several years, even twenty or more years. If you’re not the one who broke it off, being on the losing end of a break up or divorce can be a tough thing to handle.

How do you begin moving on? Where do you start?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We have 2 kids and were married for 23 years and suddenly she asked me to leave and said it’s over. We’re now divorced and she’s dating again. Now she acts like she hates me.

All these questions torment me. I need answers. How do I move on when she won’t even talk to me?

– 19bluesdaddy59

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The only thing you can control is yourself.

If your partner is the one who ended things with you, you probably feel rejected and out of control. You may want to find out why they left you or what went wrong. Your partner, however, may not be ready to give these answers to you and even more likely, they don’t know the answers either.

The truth is, you can’t control anyone but yourself. You can’t make your partner take you back, you can’t make them tell you why they left and you can’t make them act the way you want them to.

You can, however, control how you react to the situation. You can be petty and vindictive if you choose, but you can also be calm and forgiving too. Only you can choose how you act towards the situation. It will be more difficult to move on, however, if you choose to be vindictive or if you harbor ill feelings and anger towards your partner for ending things.

If you choose to take the higher road and work through your feelings of anger and ultimately let them go, it will be easier to move on.

Working through your anger.

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How Can I Get My Ex Back? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:58:04 +0000

You’re in a relationship and suddenly, before you even know what is happening, it’s over.

You mourn the loss of your relationship and your partner and you wonder where you went wrong.

If you’re lucky, you’ll figure it out, because some people never do. If you’re able to understand what happened to cause the relationship to end, will you be able to get your ex back?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi! I discovered your videos on YouTube, and figured you could help me out. I had been with my ex-girlfriend for just over 18 months. Everything was going great for the first 12 mos. We broke up a couple of weeks ago, and I was devastated. She said things had gotten boring and that the past few months she didn’t really feel like a couple. She said she still wanted to be friends and needed time to think. I haven’t heard anything from her since then. I’m getting worried that she’s forgotten about me and never wants to see me again. I’ve realized where I went wrong. I just want to know if my ex-girlfriend will ever come back to me and if it’s possible how I can get my ex-girlfriend back. Can you help me!

– Matt, Cumbria, England

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Realizing the mistakes.

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How Letting Go of the Past Can Help You Hold On To The Future (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 13:18:46 +0000

The past can be a tricky thing. It always seems to haunt us, especially when we really need to learn to let it go.

When you enter into a serious relationship with someone, you tend to take on their pasts as well, and it can be difficult to accept what may or may not have happened in their lives before you came along.

This can put a serious damper on your relationship! How can you learn to let go of your partner’s past so you can move forward with them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for just over six months now. I feel quite serious about him, but I have issues with past relationships. I was married for 7 years and divorced. Things went well with him up until I found out about and saw pictures of his ex-girlfriends. This seemed to trigger some sort of obsession which I believe was the catalyst of our break up. I needed to find out more about them. Which led to my self esteem plummeting, I believe I wasn’t worthy of his affection. Now with my new boyfriend, I can see a similar pattern emerging. This result in me being distant and pushing my boyfriend away in fear of destroying another relationship, which is the last thing I want to do. Please help.

- Vicky, UK

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The past is the past.

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Are You Undateable?

Lisa Quirke — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 14:13:53 +0000

Recently I met a man online. We exchanged a few emails and I began to think that maybe, just maybe, he had dating potential.

A few emails later, he disclosed that he is currently living with his ex. Not because they are involved, but because he can’t afford to live on his own.

And besides, this way he gets to be with his son, but it does make it hard to date.

Trying hard not to judge, I agreed to a meeting which he canceled due to a work obligation. Okay, no problem. We’ll just do it another time.

Then he invited me to a movie matinee. Hmm….could be fun. The next email said he’d have to let me know. He needed to check his finances. And, big surprise, he canceled.

The next thing he suggested was that I come to meet him. At his home. With his 2-year-old son present. His ex wouldn’t be there, but he was really unable to afford the gas to come to me.

Really? By this time, I was completely turned off.

So, step by step what’s the problem here?

It’s not about money

Before you call me shallow, let me just say this is not at all about how much money the man makes or what kind of car he drives. I’m not a gold digger and I’m not looking for someone to support me. I can do that all by myself thank you very much.

But really if he can’t even afford the gas to drive 30 miles to meet me, there’s more wrong here than just his income.

In one email conversation he went on and on about how he needed to go back to college to finish his education and make some money. Yet, he still hasn’t done so and seems to only want to give the idea lip service.

Can you say lack of motivation? Lack of goals? How is that attractive?

Ummm…he lives with the ex?

How in the world is a man who lives with his ex in a position to become involved with someone else? She gave him a place to stay when he needed one and he gets to be with his son. Well, isn’t that just fabulous? I’d say girlfriend isn’t stupid.

She gets someone to help with the bills and a built in babysitter. She did him a favor? I think not.

I get that it’s important for him to be with his son. In fact, he gets points for that. However, this is really not the place for a man who professes to want to find a long term partner to be in. I mean seriously, what woman wants to date a man who can’t even take her back to his place for a romantic evening? Not this one.

And then there are the children

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6 Signs You May Be Dating a Psycho

Click by Lavalife, Kelly Jones — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 15:50:00 +0000

We’ve all got a teeny bit of psycho in us. But the line between going ga-ga for someone and becoming completely delusional about the boundaries of the relationship is a fine one.

If your newest fling’s behavior is starting to give you a serious case of the heebie-jeebies and you wonder where the glowing personality went that you met on the first date, you may have hitched up with a psycho.

From bunny-boiling to phone-tapping, incessant emails to branding-style scratched initials in your back, there’s a lot to be afraid of. Herewith, six signs your honey is half-baked.

Communication Overload

There’s a difference between an eager beaver and a psychotic partner. An eager beaver calls you once and leaves all their phone numbers and email addresses so you can find them when you get the urge to reach out. A wacko calls all of your numbers and sends messages to all of your email addresses — all day and every day.

And the more time that passes between live interaction with a psycho, the more nutsy the notes and messages become. "Hey, it’s me" morphs into "I’ve called 12 times…where are you?" and finally "Pick up the phone or I swear I’m gonna boil the bunny."

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

The fibs seem harmless at first; they may even be confused or couched as miscommunications.

But psycho partners lie incessantly in an attempt to control you. So what starts as lies about small things, like liver also being his favorite food (so that it looks like you two are so similar you must be soul mates) escalates into elaborate fabrications about him needing your emotional support because he’s just discovered that he has an identical twin brother whose cancerous liver will self-implode without a transfusion of your lover’s genetically matched blood.

Beware the contradictions, the overabundance of justifying details, the well-timed dramas.

Stalk Talk

Don’t be fooled by the cliché image of a trenchcoat-clad dude running from telephone pole to telephone pole as he follows his victim home from the bar. Stalking girlfriends and boyfriends come in all shapes and sizes (and outfits).

And their techniques are many: from blatantly setting up tent and bonfire on your front stoop to see what time you get home, to "coincidentally" planting themselves in public places they know you’ll frequent — your neighborhood porn shop, your synchronized swimming class, the recycling room in the basement of your building.

Don’t discount the idea of your phone being tapped if it seems your lover knows secrets you’ve shared only with friends over the phone. If you’re starting to get that creepy "being watched" feeling and have actually found yourself wondering how the witness protection program works, you’ve probably made allies with a lunatic.

Scared Out Of Your Wits?

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Why Won’t He Break Up With Me Already?! (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 17:02:03 +0000

Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy.

Then suddenly one day, Girl meets a different boy. Oops.

Girl is shocked, confused (well, not THAT confused), and too afraid to tell the first boy about the new boy…

So what’s a girl to do?

This is a classic story that repeats itself over and over.

Yet this story rarely has a happy ending…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My boyfriend and I have been dating a few years now.

Now I met this other guy whom I really like. He has a girlfriend though he likes me more. I am flirtier with him. He makes me laugh and he is really cute. My parents and friends like him too. While hanging out we ended kissing.

I’ve been pushing my boyfriend away for awhile and he knows it and he don’t care. I am not happy when I am with him. I don’t want to kiss him, hug him or anything. He won’t break up with me, he is too "in love" with me. What should I do?

– Lost, Illinois

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Why Won’t He Break Up With Me Already?!

Hanging On Too Long Is A Mistake

The real trouble comes when you continue to lead the first boy along and hide your feelings for the new boy. So now you’re deceiving both boys. At some point the truth will come out…

One of the biggest issues in our society today is that people tend to hang onto relationships much longer than they should. No one is happy, but no one has the courage to walk away either. If the relationship isn’t working, then it’s time to walk away.

But before you make this huge decision, think about why the first relationship is not working.

Ask yourself questions like:

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3 Tips to Help You Get Over a Break Up – Quickly!

Jason Likert — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 21:46:42 +0000

Love is a complex concept that philosophers, scientists and romance novelists have struggled with for centuries, if not a millennia.

Is it a metaphysical experience that blends the attraction of souls to one another (ala "soul-mates"), or is it a human ability to sense pheromones and is therefore a bodily function?

Whatever the explanation may be, love is a fact and we all want to receive it.

Givers of Love

Some people are natural givers. They enjoy showering attention, love and care on those who are around them.

They show love from their words, physical actions and gift-giving. Givers have an inclination to be very empathetic to the ones they love. Everyone has the ability to be a giver. In essence we ALL give, we just do it in different ways.

Receivers of Love

Receivers do not automatically "take" – a common stereotype. We are all receivers in some way. Everyone enjoys feeling love and attention. Receivers naturally receive more than they give. They naturally tend to crave attention from those around them.

Are You a Giver or a Receiver?

We all experience love in different ways, as givers and receivers.

As men, many of us are have an inclination to be receivers. Think about the world around us, about how our culture is geared toward making men into receivers of love and affection rather than givers.

We get used to receiving. Most men are conditioned to be receivers and many women are condition to be givers.

When You Stop Receiving Love…

Nothing in this world can be matched with giving and receiving love. It can make time slow down and make a few seconds last for hours when you are together.

When you are apart, a day can feel like a week. In many ways it can be addictive, to feel and enjoy that love you have been receiving. Like a drug you can become dependent upon it.

Somewhere in the past we’ve all been there. That point where we can tell the relationship has changed.

She has stopped giving, you have stopped receiving, or vice versa. Something is different. You can’t put your finger on it, but it’s obvious things have changed.

Do you panic? Do you feel your heart pound in your chest and your ribs compress around your lungs?

Do you analyze it all and look for all of the signs of break up?

If you do, you’re not alone. Everyone feels grief at the end of a relationship. Dealing with it and focusing on what to do, and not why, is a good way to help yourself through it.

Grief is a Natural Response

The grieving process will undoubtedly come into affect; you may feel hurt, angry, more hurt, more angry, seething with rage at one minute and balling your eyes out the next.

It’s important to remember that you are not alone, you aren’t the first person to have your heart broken and you won’t be the last.

Many of the most stout individuals can delay their grief, postpone it, and it will come back to smother them. Feeling grief is natural. Prolonged grief can turn…

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Can You Get Your Ex Back With The Law Of Attraction? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 12:18:47 +0000

One of the Biggest Law of Attraction Mistakes

The Universal Law of Attraction (LOA) is a very powerful force in our everyday lives. As human beings, we are very powerful attractors and can use this wonderful, God-given, power to attract or manifest more of what we want in life simply by paying attention to where we place our focus, thoughts, and desires.

One of the biggest mistakes that people make with the Law of Attraction is trying to control another person. For example, picturing your ex-taking you back is actually a form of trying to control his or her actions and feelings. You simply can’t control how another person feels or acts, only how you react to their feelings and actions.

Here’s a question from Barry who’s not quite sure how to apply this powerful concept in his own life…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ m a 23 years old Taiwanese boy who goes to school in Vancouver BC. When I was 16, I met a girl in Taiwan. Pretty soon after we met, I had to leave Taiwan to return to school in Vancouver. We started a long distance relationship. She met another man in LA, and she overlapped me and him for a while. This was very heartbreaking for me, however I had no doubt in my mind about wanting her back. However, last year (after a 6 year relationship) she broke up with me again for the same reasons.

Since I have read The Secret, I understand the Law of Attraction is to focus on what you want, pretend this is really happening, and accept the fact that it is going to happen. After we broke up, I often pictured the scene of her begging me to take her back again, but I understand that you can never change another person with the Law of Attraction. Is it best me to just move on?

Thank you so much for your time.

–Barry

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Focus on What You Really Want

Rather than focus on your ex and getting him or her back, focus on what you really want in a relationship and a partner who is good to you and loves you in return.

You need to stop focusing on your ex…

Is It Wrong To Be Friends With My Boyfriend’s Ex-Girlfriend? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 13:40:51 +0000

You know the awkward feeling, the uncomfortable glances… when you and your partner run into his ex on the street. Usually the most you’ll see is a brief hello or a nod, and sometimes it’ll be downright hostile.

That’s crazy, isn’t it? Someone that was a major part of your life and was a source of great joy for you certainly deserves more than a nod or a dirty look, don’t you think?

Why are people so nasty with their exes?

The truly sad part is that we actually create these venomous situations ourselves.

People have such a hard time moving on from a relationship that’s no longer working out – accepting that it’s time to move on, that they actually look for reasons to hate their partner so they can break up… reasons to justify the break up to themselves.

By the time it’s all said and done, the relationship is so bad that everyone wants it to be over. And all this just to avoid being honest to ourselves and to one another and admitting that the fit may no longer be there, and it may be time to move on.

It’s really sad how we as a society handle exes. Why can’t we just grow up and get along? We should at the very least have as much respect for someone who was a key part of your life as one would for a stranger on the street.

So this is why months and years after the break up, when you and your partner run into his ex, there’s no love there, only resentment. It’s sad, but we do this to ourselves.

But what if you’re tired of this weird interaction with his ex, and would like to reach out to her?

What if you might even like to be friends with her? Is that really so much to ask? Is it really so unreasonable?

Sure, it’s not commonly done in our culture, but… after all, this woman was a major part of your boyfriend’s life for years. Surely she’s someone you should at least know. Is there anything really wrong with approaching her and asking?

The chances of you actually becoming friends are pretty slim, but it COULD happen.

What’s the best way to approach her?

Unless you happen to run into her a lot alone, i.e. NOT with your boyfriend, sending her an email is probably the way to go. A phone call is fine too, but in this case an email is probably better, since she doesn’t have to answer it if she’s not inclined to do so.

Don’t write a long, drawn-out email however, and don’t get on a long, involved phone call with her. Truly emotional topics like this are best discussed…

He’s STILL Living With His Ex Girlfriend After The Break Up? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 01 May 2007 22:45:01 +0000

New love and previous lovers

New love is wonderful and full of joy, but there’s always that little matter of your new partner’s previous lovers.

We usually file that under "baggage" and hope they’re over those previous relationships, but sometimes those relationships live on in some form.

Letting go and moving on

Imagine dating a guy who still lives with his ex-girlfriend, for, ahem "financial reasons". Now, it’s not that hard to understand that they may have gotten themselves in debt and he can’t afford to move out (and maintain his lifestyle).

Trust… is he really over her?

But it does make you wonder… is he really over her and ready to move on, or is he holding on to the past and hoping to get back together with him.

How can you know for sure if he is really over her? Even if he is over her, how can you be sure that he won’t accidentally give in to an urge on a dark and lonely night when he’s alone at home with her? Can you ever know for sure?

It’s a lot easier to slip up and have an "oops" moment with a previous lover, since you’ve already been intimate and you know each other well. All it takes is a little alcohol and a surge of passion, and you’ve got "slippage"!

Trust in a relationship is very important, but if you put yourself in a position to mess up, eventually you will. So do you demand he moves out from his girlfriend’s place, or can you just trust him to be faithful to only you (and to not get any urges on that dark and stormy night after he’s had one too many glasses of wine)?

Be sure to read the question, then watch the video and leave your thoughts below.

Here’s the full story…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve just started going out with a bloke who classes himself as single but has told me he still lives with his ex girlfriend (if she’s really his ex!). According to him, he still lives with her for financial reasons only, (I guess this means he couldn’t afford a place of his own). He tells me there is no longer a relationship going on between them.

His work mate told me on the quiet that it was genuine what he is telling me, but he agreed himself that it was an odd set up. I can’t bring myself to fully believe his work mate, because if he does know he’s still sleeping with her, he wouldn’t tell me anyway, would he?

Supposing he is telling the truth – how do I know? I don’t want to continue this with the thought that my boyfriend and his work mate are having a laugh behind my back.

- Jen from England

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