Ask Dan and Jennifer » fantasies

Is My Kinkiness Beyond All Others? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:00:22 +0000

Everyone has specific things they enjoy during sex, from the tame to the seemingly strange. While most people seem to fall into the so-called “normal” sex category, that is quite the opposite of the truth. Most people are actually at least a little kinky, in a number of different ways. How do you know that your kinkiness isn’t beyond all others?

I enjoy wearing a leash, collar, bit and saddle sometimes, and I sometimes enjoy being groomed. Does this qualify as a BDSM fetish? What makes people enjoy the different things they do?

–Tom, IN

Click here to view the embedded video.

A Basis Of Comparison

First of all, trying to find out if your kinkiness is considered “abnormal,” or if it’s beyond all others, you’re really fighting a losing battle. What is considered “normal” in this society? It’s all about perception, which can easily be distorted by religion, culture and even television or movies. In reality, various fetishes are common, even though people don’t always share them with others. Most people actually think that their fetish or kink is “normal” and everyone else is “abnormal,” regardless of how strange their own kink would seem to someone else. That is the true crux of the matter – why let what other people do or don’t do or what other people think or don’t think dictate what you like to do in your own bedroom?

A Colorful Variety Of Fetishes

There are probably more fetishes out there than you could even imagine. Shoe fetishes and BDSM are commonly talked about, but what about crossdressing? Asian women and men? Smoking after sex? Roleplaying? The Princess Leia slave costume fetish? Believe it or not, everyone has a little kink in them somewhere. Fetishes can arise from anything in our lives, even something stemming from childhood. Did you really like the princesses in the cartoon fairy tales? Perhaps you enjoy dressing up as them now during sex and imagining what that would have been like in the movies. Perhaps your mother enjoyed getting her nails done at a salon and now you enjoy having sex with women who have extraordinarily long, false fingernails that they use during sex. There’s no limit to what someone can like during sex!

When Does It Cross The Line?

Fetishes and kinks may seem like an intensely gray area with no real boundaries, but it’s actually quite easy to find out if your fetish crosses the line. Does it severely hurt other people? Does it involve people or animals who don’t give their consent? Does it involve anyone who is not a legal adult? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, it’s definitely time to seek professional help. If you answered “no” to all of those questions, you still might consider talking to an unbiased counselor if you find that your fetish is taking over your life, preventing you from having healthy relationships and living a normal life. If having your fetish involves only legal, consenting adults and no one is getting seriously hurt, and it is allowing you to live a full and healthy lifestyle both in and out of the bedroom, embrace your uniqueness and enjoy your fetish!

He Feels A Threesome Will Solve Our Sex Issues – I Disagree (Video)

Paul Carlson — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 00:34:27 +0000

Threesomes have long been touted as the “coveted” sexual thing that all men want but can rarely have. If your partner has brought up having a threesome in your relationship, you’re likely not surprised – unless a “threesome” is your partner’s idea of revving up your sex life. While this can help two people who are very secure in their relationship, secure in themselves and secure in their sex life, if you’re not any of those a threesome can be disastrous. So how can you spice up your sex life without having a threesome?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My partner wants to bring a third person into our bedroom, but I want to fix our sexual issues first. Our sex life is sketchy at best… I don’t see adding a third person (threesome) any time soon and feel that he needs to show me more attention and make sure that I feel secure before adding a third person. How do I talk to him about this without causing a fight and him blowing up?

–Alexis, TX

Click here to view the embedded video.

Roleplaying

It can be hurtful to think about it in this way, but gal’s got to wonder, “Does he want a threesome because he’s not interested in me sexually anymore?” While you may be confident that your partner loves you and wants to be with you on a romantic level, hearing him introduce the idea of bringing another woman into the bedroom can definitely make you feel inadequate. Is this wrong on his part? Not likely – he’s trying to find a solution to his problem and trying to involve you at the same time. So it’s time to think outside the box a little bit. What if you roleplayed a different person entirely for him? Wore a wig, a new outfit, or even played a different part for a little while? Your partner may become very turned on by this, especially by seeing you so “out of yourself.” It’s almost like having an affair without having an affair, and the excitement and different feelings of roleplaying can really set your sex life on fire.

He Can Roleplay Too

Are you bored in the bedroom? You could be initiating sex less (thus leaving your partner high and dry) because you too are bored, or unsatisfied with your sex life. That doesn’t mean that you love your partner any less, but a little safe excitement never hurt anyone. To that end, if your partner likes the roleplaying idea, ask if he’ll try it too. Share with him some of your fantasies (being arrested by a dirty police officer anyone?) and let him decide which he feels comfortable with and let him surprise you. You might find that your own sexual desires are awakened, without something as drastic as a threesome.

Thinking Out Of The Box

Roleplaying is just one way to spice up your sex life. Start thinking outside the box – introduce toys, books, magazines, videos, costumes, lingerie, lubricants…anything sexual that will take you outside of that normal comfort zone and put you in an exciting, new sexual place. Heck, it may even be having sex on the couch instead of the bed that does it! There are so many different things you can do to give your sex life, well, a new life! All you have to do is have an open mind and get a little creative! Browse the internet for some fun ideas and when it comes to roleplaying, never, ever forget that the Star Wars Princess Leia Slave costume is just about every guy’s wet dream. Have fun!

Sexual Fetishes – Is My Smoking Fetish Weird? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 14:00:08 +0000

Everyone has different turn-ons, ranging from turn-ons that seem relatively mild to turn-ons that seem to be completely out there and fetishistic.

How do you know if what turns you on is normal or not? Should you continue to do what turns you on, even if other people think it’s weird?

Many people have these same questions and are wondering what to do about their turn ons. What should you do?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m a 59 year old male and I have always found the sight of a woman smoking a cigarette to be very arousing. I am fortunate that my wife (an inveterate smoker) understands this and uses it to excite me but (the question is from both of us) is this weird?

Have you heard of it before?

-Marty, Pennsylvania

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Are your turn-ons normal?

Let’s take a look at normal for a moment…

BDSM 101 – Moving Beyond Plain Vanilla Sex

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 14:56:30 +0000

A male friend of mine told me about something embarrassing that happened to him. He was in the throes of passionate sex with his girlfriend when, in a gesture of instinct, he put his hand over her face.

Immediately she froze in horror and blurted, “What are you doing?”

Well, how do you answer that? They resumed their lovemaking and talked about it afterwards. He told her he was going with the heat of the moment, and that to him it was an incredibly intimate gesture, a dominant move on his part.

She felt the opposite – she said it creeped her out and made her feel like an object. And there you have it – that one simple hand over the face gesture crossed the vanilla sex line.

What Do You Call Non-vanilla Sex?

I still haven’t found a good term for non-vanilla sex – chocolate? Strawberry with sprinkles? Chili sauce? This is a little problematic, since I overwhelmingly prefer it over vanilla.

Don’t get me wrong – vanilla sex has its place. But there are plenty of times when you just want to take it to “11,” like Nigel in Spinal Tap.

Taking it to “11”

First off, make sure you’ve covered the vanilla basics. Have you tried sexual positions like doggy style, reverse cowgirl? Have you played all the oral sex games, even 69 (highly overrated in my opinion)?

How about places – have you branched out from bedroom? I’m partial to the bathroom vanity myself, and the basement works well for my dungeon fantasies. How about anal sex? OK, now we’re crossing the line.

Consult the Checklist

Hopefully you have filled out the handy dandy BDSM fetish checklist I provided last month. Going through the checklist will be an eye opening experience for most couples. You’ll find out pretty quickly if one or both of you is dominant/submissive. Take turns picking a fantasy and trying it out.

Start small with blindfolds, silk scarves. A friend of mine had NO idea she liked blindfolds, until her boyfriend spontaneously wrapped her winter scarf around her head and gave her a massage on the couch. That smooth move prompted her to change her blindfold preference from a 3 to a 5 on the checklist. Instant addition to their bag of tricks!

Test Your Comfort Zone

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How to Get Your Freak On – The Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 16:00:55 +0000

A few months ago, I was talking to my new sex partner about what I liked in bed. “I like it a little rough,” I said, “You know, some hair pulling and some smacks on my butt while we’re having sex.”

He sat and pondered this and said, “Have you ever been bent over someone’s knee and spanked?”

Shocked, I exclaimed, “No!”

“Do you wanna try?” he offered.

I stared at him in astonishment.

He smiled and gestured at his lap. He wanted me to assume the position – right now!

My first instinct was to say no thanks – it was silly and weird! But then I reminded myself that I’m a self-proclaimed “trysexual,” so I decided to give it a go.

I lowered my pants, eyeballed him, then draped myself across his lap. He went slow, but he spanked me until my cheeks were pink. And they weren’t the only thing glowing. Turns out I liked it.

National Fetish Day

So how do you go about exploring BDSM and fetishes?

Everyone Has a Fetish

First, you have to come to terms with the fact that everyone is a pervert. That’s right – just like how everyone poops, every adult you know is secretly harboring their own brand of kink. Some never utter what truly excites them out loud. Some never share it with their partner. The poor dears are afraid of freaking people out.

It would be nice if there was a national coming out day for fantasies, a day where every person would put it right out there on the table and acknowledge their turn ons, As in, “Hello, my name is Lucy, and I have a thing for werewolves.” (At this point, my list of kinks looks like a dinner party grocery list.)

Believe me, even the most conservative person has something that titillates them. They tend to feel more ashamed and repress the feelings even more, then take it out on other people. This makes them seem mean, but really they’re just scared and frustrated. A nice spanking would probably do them wonders.

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary, How Does Your Fetish Grow?

I’m a big fan of taking baby steps. If you have a partner, plant a little seed and then back off. Don’t tell them, “I want to host an orgy.” Instead, say something like, “Wouldn’t it be hot if there was someone over there in the corner watching us have sex?” or “I think watching two girls kiss is completely sexy – if you had to pick a female celebrity to make out with, who would you choose, honey?”

Until your partner is more comfortable, always include them in your fantasy scenario. If you don’t, they will feel threatened and alienated. You want them to feel like they’re a part of this intimate thing you are sharing, a partner in crime, if you will. Be patient with them – give them time to digest the idea, and slowly up the ante when the timing seems right.

It’s even better to own up to your kinky fantasy if you’re single, and here’s why – you have the opportunity to put it out on the table from the beginning, which is a lot easier than springing it on someone later.

Yep, I challenge you – on the second or third date, tell her that you like wearing women’s underwear. Tell him you used to play Burglar with your girlfriends during sleepovers. This has worked wonders for me. Oh sure, I’ve scared plenty of people off, but I didn’t fake my way into a relationship, which pretty much dooms its chances of being a happy, open and honest situation.

Are You Ready to Come Out?

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The Beautiful Kind’s Ultimate BDSM, Fetish, & Kink Checklist

The Beautiful Kind — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 15:58:03 +0000

It’s a Pervert Party, and you’re invited!

Copy this list into a word processing program so you can edit it, or print it out.

For each question assign a number based on this scale:

5 = This is something I REALLY like. Bring it on, baby!
4 = This is fun! Let’s go for it.
3= I’m not sure, kinda freaky, could be fun, let’s try it out.
2 = I’m not really into this, but if it excites my partner I’m GGG (good, giving, and game).
1 = Eh, I don’t think so.
0 = NO FREAKIN’ WAY.
? = I have NO idea what you are talking about. Seriously, I’m clueless.
* = fantasy only, stays in my head

Be as creative as you want – feel free to add, fill in blanks, specify, clarify. No, you don’t need to painstakingly fill out each and every number, you can whiz through if you like, use checks instead. Customize it to suit your needs; use a highlighter or different colors for your answers if it helps. Most of all, have fun!

Types of persona that turn you on

[ ] = I am this character, ( ) = Partner is this character

( ) Male
( ) Female
[ ] ( ) Transgender, drag, queer (_______________________)
( ) Ethnicities (Asian etc: _______________________)
[ ] ( ) People with accents ________________
[ ] ( ) People with disabilities (Type: _______________________)
[ ] ( ) Teachers, professors, librarians
[ ] ( ) Lawyers, judges _______________
[ ] ( ) Business professionals, managers
[ ] ( ) Interns/assistant/secretary
[ ] ( ) Nurses, doctors, medical professionals
[ ] ( ) Religious figures (rabbi, priest, nun) _____________
[ ] ( ) Nobility, royalty (Princesses or: _______________)
[ ] ( ) Musicians (Rock stars, violinists, etc: ____________________)
[ ] ( ) Athletes (Football, basketball, baseball, etc: _____________________)
[ ] ( ) Wrestlers, martial arts, ninja etc: ___________________
[ ] ( ) Blue collar workers (Mechanics, maids, other:__________________)
[ ] ( ) Bikers, Hells Angels
[ ] ( ) Cowboys, cowgirls, farmers
[ ] ( ) Soldiers, marines
[ ] ( ) Sailors, coast guard, lifeguard
[ ] ( ) Police officers
[ ] ( ) Firefighters
[ ] ( ) Mail carrier, milkman, FedEx _______________________
[ ] ( ) Airplane pilots, flight attendants
[ ] ( ) Truck drivers
[ ] ( ) Bride, groom
[ ] ( ) Hunters
[ ] ( ) Surfers, extreme sports, skateboarders
[ ] ( ) Tattooed, pierced, body modified (Type: ____________________)
[ ] ( ) Pirates, rogues, guerillas
[ ] ( ) Historical figures (Civil War, Nazi, Abe Lincoln, ancient Egyptian or:__________________)
[ ] ( ) Inexperienced/virgin
[ ] ( ) High school boys/girls/cheerleaders (consenting adults!)
[ ] ( ) Prostitutes, pimps, sex workers, Johns, sluts
[ ] ( ) Fantasy creatures (mermaid, werewolf, vampire, etc.) ___________
[ ] ( ) Furries
[ ] ( ) Droids, robots, machines
[ ] ( ) Daddy, uncle, brother, cousin ___________
[ ] ( ) Mommy, aunt, sister, cousin ____________
[ ] ( ) Babysitter
[ ] ( ) Divorced
[ ] ( ) Widow(er)
[ ] ( ) Older sibling’s friend
[ ] ( ) Older people, elderly ____________________
[ ] ( ) Executioners
Others, please specify: (clowns, sci-fi, superheroes, etc.) ________________________

Fetish Extra Credit

[ ] ( ) Smoking
[ ] ( ) Alcohol
[ ] ( ) Soft drugs (marijuana or: _______________)
[ ] ( ) Hard drugs (heroin or: _________________)
[ ] ( ) Exhibitionism (being watched)
[ ] ( ) Voyeurism (watching)
[ ] ( ) Erotic dancing
[ ] ( ) Watching porn
[ ] ( ) Making porn (photographed or videotaped)
[ ] ( ) Oral sex
[ ] ( ) Forced oral
[ ] ( ) Male ejaculation, cum play _____________
[ ] ( ) Female ejaculation, squirting
[ ] ( ) Menstruation
[ ] ( ) Urination, golden showers
[ ] ( ) Defecation, scat
[ ] ( ) Vomit
[ ] ( ) Anal play/sex ___________
[ ] ( ) Double penetration
[ ] ( ) Fisting
[ ] ( ) Hot play (candle wax, etc)
[ ] ( ) Cold play (ice cubes, cold showers)
[ ] ( ) Foot worship
[ ] Group sex _____________
[ ] Bestiality __________________
[ ] ( ) Necro/unconscious/sleeping ____________________
[ ] ( ) Unshowered
[ ] ( ) Infectious (yeast infection, STD’s or:_____________________)

Favorite body parts: Ass back breasts legs hair feet hands eyes pussy cock __________

Turn offs: _________________________________________________________

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Does Wanting to See My Wife Have Sex With Another Man Make Me Gay? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 14:35:58 +0000

One of the most popular fantasies out there is the idea of the threesome…

Most men love the idea of seeing their woman have sex with another woman while they watch, or the idea of having two women have sex with him at the same time.

But threesome fantasies don’t stop there…

There are also men out there, who love the idea of watching their woman have sex with another man.

Here’s an interesting question. If a man enjoys the idea of watching his woman have sex with another man, does this make him gay?

Here’s a question from Michael whose fantasies have him wondering about his sexuality.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I have talked jokingly about threesomes in the past. But recently she’s been bringing up the idea more often. I’m worried about what she would want afterwards like if she’d wanna bring home a guy. I don’t know how to respond…

I have entertained the thought of watching her have sex with another man while I watch. Would that make me gay to enjoy watching it? Also, I had more homo erotic thoughts but haven’t gotten hard around a guy that’s straight.

Am I just curious, confused or bi?

— Michael, Massachusetts

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts – leave a comment below.

Does This Mean I’m Gay?

We’re all sexual beings. We all have a unique ideas and fantasies, things that turn us on. Don’t get stuck on labels and just consider yourself ‘sexual’. It’s very common, and very exciting for most men, to think of their girlfriend as bi-curious, but most men get a little nervous when they think of a bi-curious boy.

But on that topic… We ran an online dating site for over three years and were very surprised by the large number of bisexual or bi-curious men. It’s not as uncommon as you might like to think.

There’s nothing wrong with being bi-curious, bisexual, or gay. That’s just your sexual preference. The sooner you get in touch with your own sexual preferences and desires, the happier and more fulfilled your sex life will be.

On The Topic Of Threesomes

So the idea of watching your partner with another man or woman that you really excited – and you have talked to one another enough to know that it gets your partner excited as well…

Here three tips to help make your first threesome more successful:

1. Talk About It

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Is Having Cyber Sex Before Physical Sex a Good Idea?

Rose Rivera — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 13:50:50 +0000

These days it’s nearly impossible to begin a relationship without using some form of cyber communication during those critical “getting to know you” weeks.

From meeting online via a dating website to having a casual chat over instant messenger, the likelihood that you’ll have at least one online conversation with your potential lover is extremely high.

One of the main differences between online and face-to-face conversations is the amount of social inhibitions experienced by the chatters.

Because online communications encourage an atmosphere of anonymity, it’s easier for most people to open up about themselves. The lack of physical/visual social repercussions online, such as a frown of disapproval, makes online chatters less vulnerable to emotional hurts, and therefore much more willing to take chances by saying things that might otherwise be considered “inappropriate” in person.

Under such relaxed social constraints, it’s easy to imagine how a casual late night chat can quickly turn into an arousing exploration of each other’s sexual fantasies. But is engaging in this type of risqué talk with someone you’ve recently met and may eventually sleep with a good idea? Might it ruin those first “magical” moments if and when you do decide to have physical sex together?

The Pros and Cons of Having “Cyber Sex” Before Really “Doing It”

Pro – It’ll Give You Both a Chance to Explore Your Sexual Compatibility Safely.

Rather than risking a potentially awkward first time with a new partner, having cyber sex beforehand can provide both parties with an opportunity to verbally explore each other’s likes and dislikes in a fun and consequence-free environment.

Maybe she is much more sexually aggressive than he is, or maybe he has certain kinks that she is strongly against. Whatever differences and similarities are discovered, it’s much better to test out certain ideas online than it is in person. Wouldn’t you like to know your new crush actually enjoys being tied up before you whip out your studded leather cuffs?

Con – What Happens in Cyber-Land, Stays in Cyber-Land

It’s true, the uninhibited social freedom of cyber sex can go straight to some people’s heads like the bubbles in any great bottle of champagne. Because of this, the difference between someone’s online sexual persona and their real life sexual behavior can be shockingly different…