Ask Dan and Jennifer » fear of rejection

Men Are from Way Farther Away Than Mars!

Maia Berens — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:06:13 +0000

Many of you probably have read the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and many of the rest you have heard things about it if you haven’t read it. Well, I didn’t write it.

But I worked with John Gray for 18 years, wrote workshops and a training based on the Mars Venus stuff and trained over 500 speakers and therapists on how to give those workshops. So I should know about men, right? Well, I know some things about men.

In order to feel loved in a relationship, men need to be trusted. Men need to be accepted the way they are. They don’t want you to try to change them. Men want to be appreciated for what they do.

They also want to be admired, to be regarded by their partner with "wonder, delight and pleased approval". Men also need encouragement so that they become hopeful and courageous to go out and do what they do all over again even when it’s hard.

This is all vintage Mars Venus. You may not agree but the expert says so and the following are how I observe this to be true about the man I live with all these years:

Men Need to be Trusted

One of the most hurtful things I can do is not trust my husband. When he does his household disappearing act like leave, say nothing to me that he’s leaving or where he’s going, he is disturbed by my not trusting that if he were going some place for long or really away, he’d tell me.

After all, he just went to the car for twenty minutes. I shouldn’t be worried that he died somewhere or was captured by other Martians.

Men Need to be Accepted the Way They Are

Now I’m a woman and if my husband tells me lovingly that when we are with other people, I sometimes (or often) interrupt him or finish his sentences and we could have a signal so I know when I’m doing it, that’s cool. I don’t mind. He’s right. I don’t want to be the person who does that.

But in his case, he’d rather I tell him how what he does affects me and trust that he’ll make his own improvements. He doesn’t want me to tell him what to do or how to do it.

Men Want to be Appreciated and Admired for What They Do

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I’m Leaving You! Does The Punishment Really Fit The Crime? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:04:40 +0000

If you’ve been in a relationship where you or your partner threaten to leave or end the relationship when you’re angry, you’re not alone. In reality, this is often something people do out of frustration and desperation.

You may not be planning to leave or end the relationship at all, even though you’re angry now.

What causes you to act so extreme?

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Feeling Out Of Control

It’s easy for someone to feel out of control in a situation like that. One partner gets upset, the other gets upset and it goes back and forth, escalating until one or both partners feel completely out of control.

Being extremely angry at your partner can make you feel lost and helpless, and an escalating argument doesn’t help the situation any at all. It simply gets to a point where you feel so out of control of the situation that you want to say something, anything, to gain some control again over what is happening.

Threatening to leave or end the relationship puts you back in control and puts the ball back in your court. Your partner may say, "Fine, leave," however this simply puts you back in the position of feeling out of control.

Arguments between couples often go on and on like this, until one or both partners get enough time and space to resolve the original argument. It might be difficult at that point, however, to even remember what the original argument was about!

Where Does It Come From

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Afraid To Talk To Your Partner? Here’s a Step By Step Guide to Overcoming Your Fears…

Nick Arrizza MD — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 13:53:15 +0000

Certainly love means many things but one of the critical components is the ability to be courageous and indeed honest in your communications with your partner.

This is perhaps one of the most difficult of tasks because of the many fears that step in one’s way. It may not seem surprising that these fears are also those that eventually spell the demise of a relationship.

So what are some of these fears and how does one transcend them in order to establish a healthy and truly loving relationship?

Fears in Communication

First the fears; they include such things as:

I fear I will be rejected if I speak my truth to my partner.
I fear I will hurt my partner with my truth.
I fear I will feel guilty and be unable to forgive myself.
I fear I will have to justify my feelings or beliefs to my partner.
I fear my partner may get angry with me.

Clearly capitulating to such fears means suppressing your own truth. That is accompanied with feelings of frustration, dishonesty, needing to constantly be on guard that one’s truth is kept under control, and a decreasing degree of true intimacy.

It may also lead to feelings of becoming emotionally and sexually distant from one’s partner, possibly the sharing of such information with third parties in order to vent one’s frustrations, sexual affairs and so on.

The tendency for all of these is to undermine the relationship anyway.

So if you’re feeling caught between the proverbial “rock and the hard place” how does one find a way to nurture a truly healthy, loving and sustainable relationship? Well, to summon up the courage to be honest and truthful when the circumstances call for it!

Summoning Up the Courage to Communicate

Of course in order to do so one must transcend the catastrophic beliefs i.e. the potential for rejection, being hurtful, feeling guilty etc., that are fed by the fears that I have listed above.

Here is a powerful way to accomplish this.

Let’s take the first item above i.e. the fear of rejection as an example that you can walk through with me.

Overcoming Fear Step by Step

Now contemplate the following question: “What is the benefit to you of having the fear of rejection living inside you?” Initially one may say that it protects one from getting rejected,

If this is the case, then supposedly how would you feel knowing that you were being protected in this way? Well, you might say that you might be feeling safe, secure, calm, relaxed, confident and resilient to the reactions of others to whatever you might say.

So to summarize one could say that: The fear of rejection causes you to feel safe, secure, calm, relaxed, confident and resilient to the reactions of others to whatever you might say.

Is That Really Your Truth?

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6 Tips For Handling Rejection

Click by Lavalife, Sarah Fielding — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 15:08:56 +0000

If You’ve Ever Been Rejected, This is the Article for You!

You’ve had a date or two with someone you thought was interested in you, then they drop the bombshell that they don’t feel a connection. Ouch!

You wish you could control the overwhelming feelings of anger, embarrassment, anxiety and/or hopelessness but you can’t.

Rejection is a fact of life. It’s how you handle it that makes all the difference.

Here are some strategies that may help you cope with life’s — and love’s — inevitable knock-backs.

Don’t Take it Personally

In many cases, the so-called rejection may have nothing to do with you at all.

For instance, someone may reject your advances because you remind them of someone from their past (not your fault), they are having a career crisis (not your fault) or are dealing with some other pressing personal issue that they elect not to explain (again, not your fault).

"I really liked this guy and we dated a couple of times before he told me he didn’t have time for me. I felt awful," says Jess. "I ran into him a year later and he told me that his father had been sick with cancer — he later died — and all this was happening when we had first met," she says. "I had thought he just wasn’t interested in me but the truth was that it had nothing to do with me."

Silence your Inner Child

The Inner Child often overreacts and feels the whole world has turned thumbs down and that true love will never come (insert high-pitched wail here). Our adult selves know this is simply not true yet the words of our Inner Child ring in our ears.

Recover from rejection by silencing your Inner Child and reminding yourself that ‘never’ is not a realistic concept. To get yourself back on track, try making a list of all the people in your life who do love you and let the sting of rejection melt away.

Don’t Let it Rattle You

Don’t let a negative response shake your confidence. "If I didn’t get a second date with a guy, I’d spend literally days running through out first meeting wondering what I did to put him off," says Sue.

"One day I had a revelation: You can’t be everyone’s idea of a perfect match, so it’s only natural that you will have first dates that don’t eventuate into second ones. And that’s fine. If we all met the man of our dreams the first time, there would be no single people and there are lots of single people out there…"

Think of It as a Favor

If your first or second date didn’t turn into something more, in some ways you should be thankful. It may be uncomfortable to hear, but getting a firm, clear-eyed grasp on incompatibility early rather than later is a huge time-saving plus. The early brush-off allows you to chalk it up to experience and move on.

Turn It into a Positive

Sounds cheesy but you can make rejection work as a motivator for self-improvement. "Knock-backs aren’t fun, that’s for sure," says Phil, "But if I get a ‘no’ from someone I was interested in,

I always use the opportunity to work on myself — do a course, work out more at the gym, go on a health kick, that sort of thing. I figure if I am the best I can be that I will find the best person for me. And if it takes a few ‘nos’ to get there, so be it."

Don’t Dwell on It

Sometimes the fact that we have been rejected is so painful and all-consuming that it becomes the only thing we talk about. Friends hear how badly we’ve been treated or listen patiently to our complaints that we will never find true love.

Other singles rally around us offering rejection anecdotes, all of which seem to confirm our worst fears — that there are no decent men/women left and we will never find Mr/Ms Right.

Get a grip. Turn this apparent catastrophe into a chance to make a change. Get back online, update that profile and optimistically look toward the future.

Brought to you by Click By Lavalife.

To learn more about Dating and Personals check out our Singles & Dating Channel for tons of great articles and videos.

Click here to meet sexy singles near you at our recommended online dating & personals website.

How to Approach Any Woman Without Fear of Rejection – Pick Up Secrets Exposed by a Woman

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 17:25:12 +0000

How SHOULD a regular guy approach a woman to get her phone number, a date, a chance?

We’re always seeing seduction and pick up advice from the same well known faces in the Seduction Community. From David DeAngelo, to Zan, Mystery, Jason Matthews, and many others. Do you see the pattern yet? They’re all GUYS!

They tell us how to approach women, how to get their phone numbers, and how to get them to go out on a date. They even tell us how to get those hot one night stands that some guys are crazy about.

We think it’s about time to get that advice straight from a woman – the object of your search.

You ARE trying to get a woman to go out with you, aren’t you?

Why not find out from her what’s really going on behind her pretty blue eyes… what she’s thinking about you as you first walk into the room, why she can’t get rid of some guys fast enough when they come up to her… That kind of information is priceless.

Imagine getting the lowdown from the other side… what it’s like being a woman and having ALL THOSE GUYS hitting on you.

Here’s our review of Tiffany Taylor’s excellent insider guide to the fairer sex – Guy Gets Girl. In reality, it’s more of a strategic and tactical plan than a “book”, but anyway.

It’s also worth noting that Guy Gets Girl is the first and only step-by-step pickup, dating, and seduction guide available written for men… By a Woman.

“How To Approach Any Woman, Anywhere And Know Exactly What To Say To Get Her To Give You Her Number And Go On A Date With You – NOW”

You’ll want to read all the way to end of this post so that you don’t miss a single great idea.

Tiffany’s promise is a pretty tall order, but from everything we’ve read, I’d say she delivers.

After all, it’s not about fancy pickup lines, sleazy hypnosis tricks, and all kinds of other less than honest stuff. At the core, what matters is being confident and understanding that woman that you’re approaching… understanding what she wants, what she’s looking for, her true desires.

That’s what matters and what will get you that date.

Tiffany also tells you how any nice guy can get practically any girl he wants, IF he knows what the lady is really looking for. Overall jerks don’t hold a candle to nice guys, but beware – nice guys who don’t know what they’re doing often end up in the “friend zone”.

She also tells you where to find great available women, even if you’re not into dance clubs and the traditional singles scene.

And how about three different ways to approach a woman and immediately get on her good graces. Really, it can be that simple if your timing is right.

Her motives

Guess what… every person on this earth has a reason for everything they do. Many reasons are friendly and completely noble, and others are selfish misguided. Women are no different than men in this respect – pay close attention to what they say, what they’re asking you about, how they act, act. and you’ll always know where things are headed.

Flirting – the good, the bad, and the ugly

What you should say and when to get her affections, but especially what NOT to do when flirting unless you want to scare her off…

The first date

Learn the 4 best places to take a girl on a date, to guarantee you’ll see her again. They don’t even cost as much as a meal at a cheap restaurant, but they are infinitely more enjoyable for her!

A 3 step formula for planning that crucial first date, to ensure she’ll not only go out with you, but keep going out with you, but keep you after that date.

What to talk about on your first date. Some great conversation starters, and what topics to avoid, or else.

Reading her signals – how to know if she’s ready to take the next step.

The first kiss – how to know when she’s ready to be kissed, and when she ISN’T.

The one night stand

There are many reasons you may not want to do this, but in case you do, there’s a good section describing how to get her in the mood, how to read the signals, where to go, and what to do next. Also how to separate with no hard feelings after the sex, and how to ensure you’ll be able to do it again if you choose.

Sex tactics

The key here again is understanding what women truly need and want… how to romance her and get her in the mood every time, why foreplay is so important if you want to have sex with her again, etc.

Also, the one mistake guys generally make that puts the freeze on any sexual activity for the evening and beyond.

And of course, knowing when to throw in the towel. Sometimes it just isn’t working out, no matter how much you want it to. But you MUST know when and how you should break it off, so that you can still stay friends. Get this wrong and you could end up with a lot of problems.

Is she the one?

How to know if she’s really the one for you, even if you think you’re sure one way or the other.

Approaching – what to do and say that will boost your chances of getting the girl

Ponder these questions…

Do you just walk right up to her, or is there a “right moment” to approach?
If she’s with friends, how can you use her friends to your advantage?
Once you get her talking, how do you break the awkward silence?

And find out how to get her real number, and not end up with a bogus one.

Asking her out

How long do you need to wait before calling her, and what should you say to really keep her interested? Most guys get this completely wrong, which is why they can’t ever seem to get that ever elusive second date.

A word of warning

Although the material is thorough and the ideas are very insightful and well thought out, we do have a strong concern with this guide. Guy Gets Girl comes with an additional bonus guide entitled Advanced Psychological Techniques.

We are not fond of using psychological triggers and similar seduction tactics to approach women, get a date, etc.

It is your choice if you want to use the advanced psychological seduction tactics in this book, but be warned. While you may be virtually guaranteed to get her phone number, get a date, get a one night stand… honesty is the most important factor in a relationship. Eventually she will get to know the real you, and you could be in trouble.

So the short version is this: use the advanced psychological seduction tactics at your own risk. This guide has a lot of great information, but use it wisely.

Overall we highly recommend this book.

Download your copy right now before you get busy and forget. Then go out and walk up to the girl of your dreams, and score a date with her.

Top 10 Ways To Boost Your Sexual Confidence with Women

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 22 Apr 2007 14:11:43 +0000

Hey guys. Do you ever wonder how the seduction guys do it? How do they have such Incredible Confidence With Women when some of them are just down right ugly and fat?

Confidence has little to nothing to do with looks. Confidence comes from the inside. Our readers are always making comments like, "You say to have confidence, but that’s not so easy for me. How exactly do I get this confidence that you speak of?"

Once you know the secret, you’ll wonder why you didn’t figure it out on your own…

Our definition of confidence is simply "not caring what others think about you". Only YOU can determine what’s right for you – your looks, your style, your personality… When you stop letting other people judge you by their personal standards, you will have true internal confidence.

Here’s a great article on improving your sexual confidence from one of our favorite guys in the Dating Coaching and Seduction arena, David DeAngelo.

Top 10: Ways To Boost Sexual Confidence

By David DeAngelo – Web Site: DoubleYourDating.com

Most guys lack confidence in their ability to physically turn on a woman and “rock her world” when it comes time to hit the sheets. A woman knows right away if she’s dealing with one of these “boy-men” and runs for the hills as soon as she realizes it. If you want to make sure she sees you as a Sexually Confident kind of guy — the kind of guy who can ignite throbbing sexual passions deep inside her — you need to become a master at giving women an incredible sexual experience. Here are 10 powerful tips to get you started.

Number 10 – Uncover the source of Sexual Confidence

Sexual Confidence comes as a result of knowing how to give a woman mind-blowing pleasure. It’s the confidence that the woman you’re with will have a once-in-a-lifetime experience with you. It’s knowing all the steps — from the first eye contact all the way to the “end game” — and knowing how to build ANTICIPATION at every step along the way. Start by practicing my “two steps forward, one step back” technique by escalating things, then backing off, then escalating further, then backing off again. The anticipation and arousal this creates will drive her INSANE. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Number 9 – Get out of the manipulation mindset

Guys are always curious about how to “trick” a girl into bed — what the magic words are, etc. I personally know a few guys who do this… and I can tell you it does NOT lead to fulfillment. Avoid this whole “manipulation mindset,” and stop trying to figure out what the magic bullets are to get a woman to do what you want in a dishonest way. It’s much better to work on becoming an interesting guy who knows what to do to build attraction in a natural, non-manipulative way. If what you’re doing feels wrong or unethical, stop it. There are better ways to get what you want.

Number 8 – Stop idealizing beautiful women

Most guys get fooled into believing that just because a woman is unusually attractive, she’s also usually honest and would never consider taking from you, cheating on you or lying to you. The reality is that people are never 100% “good” or 100% “bad.” There are situations where ANY person would lie, cheat, steal, or be disloyal. When you accept the reality that people are people, a beautiful woman is still human, and that the woman you feel strongly for is just as likely to be dishonest or disloyal as any other, you’ll take her off that pedestal you put her on. And that’s an important step toward achieving Sexual Confidence.

How important are looks when it comes to being confident in bed?…

Leaving the Friend Zone – How to Actually Ask Her Out On a Date (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 13:00:29 +0000

At some point you’re going to have to make your move and depart the friend zone. Now, this may not be in the first minute or two, and maybe not even the first time you talk to her. The key here again is self confidence. You’ll also need a little patience.

Take your time and feel it out first. Don’t make her choose until you know she’s comfortable enough with you to give you a chance and you’re comfortable enough to take the chance.

Watch this short video to find out how to move out of the ‘Friend Zone’ and on to the next level.

Don’t forget to go to YouTube and rate the video and subscribe to our channel.

Then, be sure to tell us your thoughts - leave a comment below.

Is Shyness Keeping You From the Girl of Your Dreams?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 16:37:10 +0000

The Question:

There is this girl at my church that I think might like me. Every time I get a chance to say something to her I don’t because I’m really shy. What can I say or do to break the ice?

The Answer:

The challenge here is that you really like her and really want her to like you. And that’s the problem. That wanting translates into fear – fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being alone.

STOP! Let’s go through this together so you will be able to approach her with ease the next time you see her.

She’s a regular person, just like you

Don’t put her on a pedestal just because you like her. This is one of the biggest mistakes men make with women, which is why they strike out so often.

Remember, she’s a regular person, just like you. So, treat her that way. Be nice, friendly, and most of all, confident in yourself. You wouldn’t be shy talking to one of your guy friends or a girl that you have no interest in, right?

So treat her like that – just one of your friends.

Men and women aren’t nearly as different as we all like to believe. At the end of the day we’re all people with needs, feelings, hopes, dreams, etc. We all need friends, companionship, and so on.

How can you tell if she likes you?

When you talk with her, notice how you feel. Do you feel like you WANT her to like you, or do you feel that she DOES like you? Is there a strong surge of energy, a magical spark between the two of you? Down deep, you’ll know if she really likes you.

You can feel it. Trust your gut.

Warning. Many guys make a big deal about asking a girl if she likes them. Don’t ever do that. You’ll put her on the spot and she’ll have to choose without getting to know you first. It’s like deciding if you want to buy a car without ever sitting in it.

The key here is confidence and belief in you. Listen for what’s in your heart, not for what you want to be there. If you’re too nervous to even talk without stuttering, then you won’t be able to read your gut feelings. So it’s very important to get a grip on yourself and just relax.

What if she turns you down?…