Ask Dan and Jennifer » fighting

How To End An Argument

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 20:36:24 +0000

I saw a card meant to end an argument between lovers. It carried the worst advice on the subject I’ve ever seen. It read, “Maybe if we both said we’re sorry…” Yikes! Tell someone who is angry with you that maybe you can both apologize and what happens? The resentment scale in the other person sky rockets!

How Not To End An Argument

So, one way to not end an argument is to suggest you can both apologize. Another way to not end an argument is to say, “I’m sorry,” through gritted teeth as if what you really want to say is, “You son-of-a-you-know-what, I could just tear you apart right now!” A lack of authenticity when offering an apology tends to make the other person feel spat upon. This isn’t good for moving the conversation forward into a more loving place.

Another way to not end an argument is to say the very thing that will escalate it to the next level. Sometimes this happens by accident. It is only after saying the thing that makes it worse you realize you knew all along not to say it. One way this has looked in our house is when I’m fuming because my feelings are hurt. It’s called passive aggression. It can happen when he has hurt my feelings. It can also happen when someone else has hurt my feelings but I know he can’t do anything to fix it, which means he’ll be irritated by a conversation about it.

When I fume he eventually says in a certain tone of voice, “What’s wrong?” On the surface, that tone sounds compassionate. But I’ve lived with him long enough to know there is a very slight edge to it that is clearly recognizable but easily overlooked by me. Without thinking, I will answer him and actually relax inside as if now we are getting somewhere. Wrong! With my answer, I have just confirmed that he was right and now he knows for certain that I am either mad at him or mad about something he cannot fix and that drives him crazy too. Escalation of hard feelings with confusing words that don’t help to follow!

Recently, I was fuming really loudly. Because it wasn’t about him but was about something he couldn’t fix, I took a risk. He asked what was wrong and at the end of my answer I stated, “…and that is the end of this conversation.” It sort of worked! While there was no escalation, he left the room. I had an appointment to keep, so I left. By the time we got back together later in the day, we had both processed our stuff around what had hurt my feelings and what he couldn’t fix. We were able to have a loving conversation about it.

How To Actually End An Argument

Now for some solid advice on how to end an argument: the trick is to shift from blame and resentment to appreciation and the sense memory of loving the other person. People get there different ways. You may have discovered what works for the two of you and so the real issue is why does it take so long to make the shift? Unless abuse is happening, if just one of you will make the shift to a softer, appreciative place, the energy will soften and get better for both of you.

Some people are able to get to a softer place with a touch. Some take a breath and some space and purposefully remember the love and the sweetness that usually exists between them. In the past, once my feelings were hurt, I used to see the other person as my enemy. Sounds extreme but it wasn’t like I said, privately or out loud, “He’s the enemy!” No, I just realized that was how I felt. With that understanding, I would remind myself during arguments that he isn’t the enemy. He is my husband, my lover, my friend and we’re going to get past this. Dealing with my own trust issues allows me to remember that I trust him and his love for me. That softens my energy, causing me to feel appreciation again with a sense memory of loving him, and everything improves. It improves because the very next time I speak to him, my tone and intention are softer and genuinely about love and reconnection. That authenticity makes all the difference!

Loving And Reconnecting

What I mean by “a sense memory of loving the other person” is when you get past the anger and resentment and genuinely soften, some place in your body responds. That response is a sense memory of your love for that person. Perhaps your legs relax. Maybe your belly softens and energetically expands. You might get a feeling in the center of your chest where you feel full and relaxed. Your head might tingle. Your jaw could relax and chills run up the back of your neck. Your arms might ache with a longing to take your lover into your embrace. It is a memory in your body that expresses your love and longing for this person.

Another way to work this trick for ending an argument is to understand and accept the differences between men and women. For instance, men are wired to fix it. When my husband wants to fix something he can’t fix in me and that frustrates him; at the very least, I can appreciate this about him and his masculinity. Doing that, I do not escalate the argument further by getting frustrated with his masculinity. Appreciating his masculinity, I might even open to the possibility he could really fix it. When that happens, “Glory Hallelujah,” the home team scores and we both win!

How to shift from blame and resentment to appreciation and the sense memory of loving the other person is a personal issue between two people. It takes experimentation and patience to discover how that works for you. You and your lover, the home team, are worth it!

Arguing And Fighting: How Can You Fix Someone Else? (Video)

Paul Carlson — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 01:05:43 +0000

Arguing and fighting – it’s part of every relationship, right? What happens when the arguing and fighting begins to be too much? What do you do when arguing and fighting seems to be all you and your partner are doing, instead of enjoying your relationship? How do you figure out whose fault it is? If it’s your partners’ fault, how do you fix them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I fight all the time and she’s always twisting things around to her side, keeping score, and she doesn’t seem to trust me. There are also several other issues that we need to resolve. Any advice on how to fix her and this relationship?

–Jacob, WA

Click here to view the embedded video.

Wake Up Call – It’s No One’s Fault And You Can’t Fix Other People

There’s the classic saying, “it takes two to tango” and it is especially appropriate for this topic. It takes two to argue and fight – it’s generally not just one person’s fault! The first step to beginning to ease the arguing is to stop placing blame and start looking within yourself instead of just pointing fingers at the other person. If you have to, sit down and really think about how you contribute to arguments as well as what your partner contributes – you’ll likely find that it’s an even divide between the two. Even if your partner does have some issues with arguing and fighting, you can’t “fix” someone else. You can only change yourself.

Does That Mean The Relationship Is Doomed?

Not at all! Men and women are definitely on different wavelengths – you know, the Mars and Venus thing. While a man may be “proving his point” logically, that probably won’t make any sense at all to a woman, because for a woman, the way she feels governs pretty much everything. Even if you are logically “right” (which is usually never the situation anyways), your female partner won’t see it that way because she still feels hurt, upset, frustrated, angry, etc., etc. How do you get past this particular hurdle in your relationship? When you argue with your partner, try to see things from her point of view. How would something you did or said make you feel? Yes, it’s time to get in touch with your emotions. It’s hard for a man, but try letting your emotions rule you for a day or so and you’ll feel what it’s like to be a woman. Similarly, your partner can do an exercise in trying to see things logically for a day or two – trying to forget about the emotional aspect of it and thinking more realistically. When you understand how men and women are different in that department, you’ll probably stop arguing destructively and fighting more constructively – you might even reach a resolution!

Do You Need Counseling?

Sometimes, a couple’s fighting and arguing habits have become so ingrained in them that it’s exceptionally difficult for each partner to step outside their “box” and see the situation from the other’s perspective. Counseling from an unbiased third party can really help with this. Don’t be ashamed from seeking counseling, or even reading books about the differences in men and women and how to argue constructively. If you truly care about your partner and about the relationship – and if your partner truly cares about you and the relationship – you’ll both be accepting and willing to take the steps you need to take to make your relationship healthy and happy again.

Five Little Words That Strike Fear Into The Hearts Of Men (Video)

Melody Brooke — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 12:55:11 +0000

Everyone knows that guys get freaked out at the age old question, "How do you feel about our relationship?" Even statements along the lines of "We need to talk" usually send guys running for the hills.

Why is this? How can you talk to your man about your relationship without scaring him off? What is the right way to go about it so your relationship can stay positive?

"Honey, we need to talk [about our relationship]"…

Why Do Men Always Get Defensive When You Want To Talk?

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They’re scared they’ll get it wrong.

When women ask men questions, they’re always afraid of giving the wrong answer. It doesn’t even matter what the question is most of the time.

If the "right answer" isn’t clear from the get go, men tend to shy away from talking about the subject with you at all. Many times, this stems from women getting angry and frustrated when a man does happen to answer a question. If he happens to answer with the "wrong" answer, the woman will get angry and the entire situation will get blown out of proportion.

If this happens,especially if it happens numerous times, men only learn that when they answer questions, bad things happen!

More often than not, men would rather not give an answer at all and shy away from the discussion than risk giving the "wrong" answer and getting a lot of flack for it.

Creating A Positive Atmosphere

You can avoid this by simply staying calm if your man gets an answer "wrong." In essence, there really are no wrong answers. Discussing a relationship or other issues are actually just talking about how each person feels.

This isn’t wrong or right ,but what is said can upset the other person. By staying calm and collected even if your partner does something to upset you, you’ll keep your partner open to opening up.

Get angry and take it out on him, and he’ll close like a clam. Encourage him to open up by simply having a positive attitude about what he says. If something upsets you, tell him – in a nice way.

Asking the Dreaded Question.

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Verbal Warfare! Make Up or Break Up? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 14:07:05 +0000

If you find yourself in a relationship where you find yourself constantly arguing and fighting with your partner, you’re not the only one.

You’re also not alone if you genuinely love this person and want to make the relationship work.

Are you doomed to a breakup?

Not necessarily…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend (ex?) and I fight all the time!! When we are not fighting we get along great! Everything will be fine, then BAM, full blow verbal warfare.

We have been on and off, because of this pattern. We are both tired of fighting, arguing, etc. WE got along so great once upon a time, we some how had a miss-fire that has never got fixed, I don’t understand.

The question, does it have to be over?

– Matt, Kansas City

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Realize That No One Has To Be Right

The root of all evil is money . . . actually, it’s the ego. A person’s ego trumps all other things and it has a need to be right all the time.

This is generally what drives people to argue and fight. It starts out pretty innocently. Someone does something that the other partner doesn’t like and it hurts their feelings.

They speak out, but it soon turns into something to the effect of, "Well, I did that because you did this," so on and so forth. It becomes about placing blame and proving who was right and who was wrong. If you begin to recognize this pattern of arguing, you can learn to move past it. It will take a joint effort, but it also takes two people to argue in the first place.

The Relationship Is Not Doomed Unless You Let It Be

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Women: 5 Ways To Save Your Marriage

Michael Webb — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 14:03:47 +0000

Is your marriage in trouble? No matter how bad, there’s always hope and ways to turn your situation around.

Here are five common ways to help create a better, more loving and harmonious relationship with your husband.

1. Handle arguments differently

Every marriage and relationship has arguments, but it’s how you handle them that’s most important.

At Junior High School, I said ‘no’ to drugs. At my wedding altar, I said ‘no’ to fighting. Nancy Reagan’s "Just Say No" anti-drug campaign was a huge success.

Kids made a verbal commitment and a mental stance to avoid drugs before they were even of the age to be tempted. When they were introduced to drugs, they knew they could "just say no" and not feel alone.

Fighting is NOT harmless. It’s addictive and, if continued, is likely to cause irreparable damage. Certainly there are times when emotions get wrinkled, and the natural inclination is to blow your top.

I sometimes have to bite my tongue so I don’t say something I would regret later (since when is self-control a bad thing?) Having a naturally calm personality has admittedly made it easier for me to think before I speak than it is for some people. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from trying.

2. How to make him listen

In most relationships, a polite and sincere request gets much greater results than if you yell, nag or complain.

For example, the other day Athena saw my bath towel on the middle of our bedroom floor. She said "you might want to hang up your towel or it won’t dry out in time for your shower tomorrow." When my clothes pile up outside of the hamper, she sweetly says, "it would really help me out a lot if you put your dirty clothes in the hamper."

She was exhausted one morning and when Ashton (then five months old) began to stir, she turned over to me and asked if I wanted to "get up and have a little morning playtime with Ashton."

That was a much nicer way of asking me to help her out than saying, "Why am I the one who always gets up early to take care of YOUR son? I think it is YOUR turn for a change." Athena always thinks of nice ways to ask me to help out or to stop doing something irritating.

3. Turn gossip and bashing into praise

No one’s perfect. When wives get together and the conversation turns to complaining about “what their husbands do,” or male bashing in general, refuse to participate.

It shows that you respect and value your husband. For a man, few things are more devastating than to have his wife criticize him in front of friends. Instead, when a "gripe session" gets going, make it a point to start sharing some of his good qualities.

Usually, this alone will steer the conversation into a positive direction and help your friends to also praise their husbands — which in turn helps them to respect and appreciate them more too. Knowing that my wife refuses to belittle me in front of friends makes me love and respect her even more.

4. Change your routine of life

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Find Out If You’re In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Lisa Brookes Kift — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 14:21:53 +0000

Signs of Abuse

Do you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around your partner? Are you afraid a lot of the time in your relationship? Is your self esteem being slowly eroded? It’s possible you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Emotional abuse can sometimes be a tricky thing to identify for those in the situation because often the abuser employs tactics that make the other person feel like they’re going crazy. Abusive people will dominate conversations so that the other has little time to decide if the behavior is harmful.

There’s often a pervasive sense of being off balance for the person being emotionally abused. They start to question their own thinking and eventually believe that they must have it wrong and in fact, they’re the bad ones for daring to believe such a thing about the abuser! We call this “crazy-making” because that’s precisely the impact it has on the receiver.

In my own practice I’ve seen couples come in where it’s pretty obvious this is going on. I’ve seen men and women in emotionally abusive dynamics with their partners. I’ve witnessed people literally verbally “shut down” their partner – and the other one shrink away right before my eyes.

Part of the problem for people who are being emotionally abused is they often don’t realize it. Their self-confidence has been whittled down to a nub.

Could you be in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Ask yourself the following five questions – which are also signs you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship:

1) Does your partner frequently criticize or humiliate you?

2) Does your partner isolate you from your family and friends?

3) Has your partner ever limited or controlled your access to money?

4) Do you feel trapped in your relationship?

5) Are you afraid of your partner?

The Cycle of Abuse

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He Said “I Need Space!” and Stormed Out! Are We Breaking Up? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 13:39:55 +0000

Isn’t it just amazing how a regular conversation on a happy day can turn into a vile, nasty argument? One minute you’re happy and in love, the next you’re screaming at the top of your lungs, and can’t think of enough hurtful things to throw at your partner! AAAhhhhh!

And then something snaps, and one of you yells "I need space!" and storms out!

"I Need Space!" – What it Really Means

It’s typically the man who needs space, but not always… Maybe it’s the pressure of the argument, maybe it’s something else. The fighting just gets to be too much… and he just can’t take it anymore. So he backs, or runs away to catch his breath and get some air.

"I Need Space" is avoidance, a cry for help from a wounded animal. The argument, the fighting, or life in general has gotten to be way too much and he needs a break from all of the stimulation.

When he says that, you should respect it as frustrating as it may be. Sure you want to understand what’s wrong, what triggered it, and at this point, how you can make it better. But that’s not always possible. Trying to approach someone who’s pulling back like this will often just push him farther away. In this emotional state, he is truly acting like a wounded animal and will likely bite if you try to approach.

So is this the first sign of a break up? Is the end in sight?

Probably not. People argue and fight, and that’s unfortunately just a normal part of any relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to break up, just that he needs a break at that point. It can be as simple as that.

However, if your relationship gets into a cycle of arguing and drama all the time, it very well may lead to break up! People spend time together to find happiness, companionship, and love. Not to fight and argue. No one likes to fight all the time and eventually, someone will leave.

Clash of the Personality Types

Some people thrive on conflict, and others avoid conflict. We are all different, which is really a great thing – wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same? But here’s where problems can start…

Those who thrive on conflict, will debate a topic until they’re completely exhausted. Others simply hate fighting and arguing, and will do anything to avoid conflict.

So for obvious reasons, a relationship between a person who thrives on conflict and a person who always avoids conflict can quickly end in a bitter break up unless they learn to work together and respect one another’s boundaries.

3 Golden Rules to Keep Fights and Arguments from Destroying Your Relationship

Here are our 3 Golden Rules for resolving disagreements and avoiding fights:…

Who Are You And What Have You Done With My Partner?

Melody Brooke — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 17:10:34 +0000

When I got married I was such a happy person. My husband was gentle, kind, giving, and such a great dad. It came as a complete shock to me the first time he got angry with me.

You see, I am an anger phobic from way back. I will never forget cringing as my grandmother screamed at my mentally retarded uncle. She would go on tirades that filled the house with angry blasts of her voice (this was no small task as the house was a 3 story boarding house). I was never comfortable with anger (especially not my own!) and I would do just about anything to avoid it. Additionally, when anyone was angry I had huge judgments regarding them. Anger, in my opinion meant ugliness, abusiveness and there just wasn’t any excuse for it.

So marrying someone human enough to get angry startled me. I didn’t understand where my loving, gentle husband had disappeared to and who was this person in my bedroom anyway? After all, I didn’t see that I could possible have done anything to have brought on his wrath. I never did anything to deliberately hurt anyone, especially him, my most beloved. The anger that I felt as a response separated us. I felt totally disconnected from him. I couldn’t understand where he got off being so angry with me for nothing I could comprehend. Who was this angry monster and why did he seem to hate me?

That’s how it felt to me. If someone was that angry with you they had to hate you, right? Consciously I knew that was wrong, but it definitely felt that way. The little kid inside cringed at every angry word he spoke.

I was fearful of his getting angry so I started editing what I told him. In other words, controlling him by not giving him all the information. That always backfired of course, because eventually he would discover what I had not told him and it would make him even angrier.

I don’t recall how long it took for me to realize that underneath the raging exterior of my formerly loving partner was a lot of fear and hurt. What’s more, what he was angry about was never really about what I thought it was about, it wasn’t really about what I had said or done, it was about something far bigger, and older.

His anger was what I call a “Self-Protective” stance that he took to manage his hurt and fear. Often when someone is hurt they will become larger than life. They will raise their voice, puff up their physical self to maximum capacity and try to look as threatening as possible in an effort to appear more powerful than they feel (Imagine a puffer fish here). They appear large and loud and scary so that you will be intimidated into stopping whatever it is you are doing that is hurting or scaring them. Underneath there is a kind of desperation and terror. But that is not what they show; they show an overpowering, larger than life toughness to attempt to force change.

The person that had been so frightening to me was in fact scared and hurt. Now, for some of you that might not be new information, but for me it was a huge newsflash. Knowing this changed everything. It empowered me to respond differently than I ever had to an angry person.

Instead of responding as a helpless victim…

Arguments and Fights: Why Won’t You Listen to Me?

Melody Brooke — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 14:08:29 +0000

How many times have you been in a situation with someone you know pretty well, maybe your spouse or your best friend, when you just couldn’t get through to them? For some reason beyond your understanding they just refuse to listen to what you are saying. They argue, they say irrational things, they confound you with statements unrelated to what you are trying to say, they just don’t seem to hear what it is you are trying to get across.

Why is that?

Okay, we have all heard of the “Fight or Flight Syndrome”. That’s’ when your brain takes over and you feel you have to either fight or run away from the situation. But what does this mean to us on a personal level? What it means is our brains are engaged in a battle for our survival and it is sending us messages intent on helping us survive whatever the threat appears to be. That threat could be as simple as avoiding embarrassment, it could be defending against something that you said that the other person perceived as an attack. Whatever the threat, the other person is reacting to you as though you are a threat. They see you as “the bad guy” and themselves as “the victim”.

Now, if you asked them, they would deny this. They are not lying to you, they are not aware that “the bad guy” and “the victim” roles are unconsciously engrained into their way of perceiving the world. Actually, it’s a part of all of our unconscious minds. We can’t help it it’s automatic.

Picture this: A husband, let’s call him Jim, is trying to help his wife who is swamped with Christmas preparations. She told him that she has to set up the tables for their holiday dinner and gave him a vague notion of how she wanted it done. Without asking for more details, Jim thinks he can help his wife; lets call her Susan, by setting up the tables for her. He hurries around hastily setting up the tables before she comes back from Christmas shopping, hoping to surprise her. Well, boy, was she surprised. Susan says, “What is this?”

Jim proudly says, “I set the tables up for you.” Suddenly, without warning, Susan explodes on him, telling him this is not at all what she wanted, and why did he think this is how she wanted it? And why didn’t he let her do it? Jim was dumbfounded. He starts yelling back at her how he was just trying to help, and didn’t she want his help? Susan is aghast that he can’t see this is not what she wanted. She starts telling him he was just trying to horn in on her show, that this holiday dinner is important to her because her new son-in-law’s family is going to be there and she had it all planned out. Jim insists that he was trying to help her and she is just being petty.

The discussion erodes from there into an all out fight.

What happened here? Both people were trying to accomplish the same goal, but they got seriously derailed. Why? It’s because their brains kicked into survival mode. The whole argument escalated because neither of them realized how suddenly they had become each other’s enemy. Each saw the other as “the bad guy” and themselves as “the victim”. Whatever understanding they may have had of each other’s stress was out the window and they were each solely focused on surviving the current threat.

So what is the alternative? The alternative is…

How to STOP Arguments and Fights from Killing Your Relationship (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 17:09:20 +0000

Endless fights, arguments, and snipes late into the night…

You’ve seen it time and time again. Everything is going great, you and your partner love each other dearly, and your relationship couldn’t be better. Then, it strikes without warning. Someone says something, the other responds, and it’s on!

What appears to be a simple misunderstanding escalates into an argument, a fight, and someone ends up sleeping on the couch. Worse yet, one of you starts throwing things, then storms out of the house. Remember the frustration, the anger, the resentment?

Remember how puffed up your ego got? "Yeah, so there!" OK, clearly that didn’t go as planned. And you can bet nobody gained anything from that exchange.

What happened? How did a simple question turn into a screaming match?

In your mind, the other person "just doesn’t get it". But here’s the problem – in their mind, YOU "just don’t get it".

And what’s even WORSE is having ANY kind of emotional discussion (read: argument) by phone or email. NEVER do that if you can avoid it.

So how can this possibly be resolved without endless fighting and eventually maybe even breaking up?

When a "discussion" escalates into an argument, all sense and reason seems to leave the building. At that point, it’s all EGO, and going downhill hard. Everybody is getting puffed up trying to one-up the other person by saying something just a little more hurtful in response to what they just heard last. A guaranteed path to achieving nothing useful.

Could you agree to disagree?

Imagine…

Relationship Problem – Fighting Like Wild Animals?

Melody Brooke — Wed, 23 May 2007 16:16:48 +0000

Standing in Quick Sand

How many times have you found yourself in a discussion with your partner that suddenly turned sour and you don’t really know how you got there? You’ve said or done something that set them off and you are not sure how it happened, it’s just that suddenly you are standing in quick sand and sinking deeper by the second. Now, of course, you want to dig yourself out, but everything you try just pulls you in deeper. At this point your heart is racing, you are sweating and unsure of what to say or do. Your partner is behaving like a wounded animal and you don’t have a clue how to fix it. Sound familiar?

Well, it should sound familiar because we all do it. We all have times when our communications do go as we intend and we find ourselves battling a battle that we don’t understand. We don’t know what started it and we sure as heck don’t know how to stop it. Sometimes divorces result from just such interactions!

All of us have our moments. All of us have certain things that set us into a survival mode that leaves us feeling isolated, terrified, angry, hurt, or just plain depressed. This survival mode feels personal, as if our partners deliberately intend to wound us in our most sensitive places. Momentarily our partners may lose sight of who we are and, yes, say or do something to deliberately hurt us, but unless our partner is a psychopath, they don’t go into the conversation with the intention of hurting us. So why is it we so often find ourselves in the quick sand?

Human beings are animals. We have an old part of our brain (old in the evolutionary sense) that reacts in a primitive manner to any hint of perceived threat. We can’t really help it; our reactions are part of our brain function. The more insecure we feel in a relationship, and the more important that relationship is to us, the more likely we are to be triggered into this primitive reactivity. The set of behaviors triggered by our brain chemistry are pre-programmed into us from our ancestry to increase our chances of survival in the wild.

Lauren and Stan had been married for over 20 years, yet they had never established trust. Their “old brain” was still behaving as if their partner were a threat to them. Lauren’s mother was depressed and her father was an angry, frustrated man who raged at and physically abused his children. As a result, any time Stan expressed his frustration with anything that Lauren did, she accused him of being abusive. She shamed him and withheld sex from him. She believed herself to be protecting her children. Her old brain kicked in and she went into what I now call “Self-Protector” mode. Her attacks threw Stan into his own “Self-Protector” mode. She would snap at him…

Why Your Partner Lashes Out at You When They’re Angry

Melody Brooke — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 16:36:27 +0000

Have you ever experienced your partner’s wrath?

You know, when they lash out at you and get angry with you for reasons that you cannot explain?

Much of the time, you simply don’t know where your partner is coming from. Everything was perfect until you got married. How can this happen? Have you made a terrible mistake?

In short, No.

This is just another area where we receive very little if any training or education. In school we are taught calculus and linear equations, but no one bothers to tell us how an intimate relationship is supposed to work or what to expect.

This one single fact is a large contributor to our extremely high divorce rate. Read this article from Melody Brooke to get a little insight into what’s really going on when your partner lashes out at you…

A Quick Course in Pre-Marital Education

Did you know that, now, in Texas, when you obtain a marriage license you will be given a premarital education handbook and encouraged to attend a premarital education course? Texas legislation has implemented this as an attempt to intervene with the increasing divorce rate.

The truth is that most of us know more about what’s on TV than we do about how to manage a healthy, intimate relationship. I know I was certainly clueless about it. Which is undoubtedly why I ended up divorced twice. I had no clue what marriage really was and how to go about achieving success in the most important area of my life. I suspect most newlyweds are like I was, naive and full of fantasies with nothing to solidify my dreams.

In order to make sense of what I was experiencing when I married I did what I had learned through nature and nurture: I blamed him. After all, he was the source of my misery. Certainly if he just straightened up and did right my happiness would be achieved. But of course, the reality is that I had no idea what it was I really wanted from him, or how to go about getting it from him. I didn’t understand what I wanted; let alone what it would take to get him to do it! Blaming him was much easier than figuring all that out.

Blame is a survival mechanism. When we can figure out whom or what to blame then we can come up with a strategy to survive. Blame is a brain function. Our old brain, the part of us that drives our survival has simplistic views of our world and of ourselves. It is not complicated by our cognitions. For this part of our brain, something is either good or bad, threatening or safe, there is no in between. By categorizing our partner into the category of our enemy we can easily determine what we should do for our survival. We then strategize on how to overcome our enemy.

Of course, this is not terribly conducive to retaining an intimate connection! So what can we do to overcome this innate programming? How can we turn our enemy back into our lover?

The key is to understand that our old brain is operating on false premises. Our old brain thinks that our partner really is threatening our life, and that we are in real physical danger. Except in the case of physically abusive relationships, this is not true. When we recognize that we have a choice about how we view our partner, we can make different choices.

What I have learned over the past 10 years is that when my partner acts out in anger he is hurting. Wow, what a concept. They are actually in pain or afraid, which is why they lash out. If I had known this one simple thing, I might not have had to get divorced once, let alone twice.

I was so anger phobic that when my partner became angry I went into a defensive position myself and lost complete connection with where my partner was coming from. I couldn’t hear what he had to say or understand his pain.

This is what we do, we move into what I call a Self –Protector role and become defensive, putting up walls between our partner and ourselves. These walls dissolve our sense of connection with our partner. When we lose our sense of connection with our partner we no longer care about the impact of what we say or do on them. Our only concern becomes our own survival (survival of our well being at least) and we no longer experience any empathy or concern for our partner.

When this happens it spells disaster for the marriage.

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