Ask Dan and Jennifer » finance

The Balance Of Power: How Sex And Money Affect Your Relationships

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 19:02:26 +0000

Ever wondered what it would be like to make a career out of sex? Showtime’s new show “Secret Diary of a Call Girl” plays to just such curiosity.

It is based on the book which was based on the blog of an English call girl who sells her body to strangers because she loves sex and money.

As Entertainment Weekly reports:

"Call Girl" is a blatant attempt to re-create the friction and success of "Sex and the City" down to the knowing-girlfriend voice-over. Indeed, as Hannah by day, Belle by night, Piper gives us a sassy cross between Carrie and Samantha. If either of those characters had been British. Or hookers.

The series seems to make the case that you CAN be happy and be a prostitute, yet arguing that this is an enjoyable alternate career choice seems difficult to do. And the women who claim to have successfully done this are seemingly few and far between.

Sex and Money

Sex and money seem to be common themes nowadays, as sex scandals abound, and the money that comes along with it is obscene! As our culture becomes more engrossed in the pairing of these two subjects, they are also the two topics causing the most problems in marriage.

Sex is tied into money and that’s all wrapped up in power. The power struggle between men and women, in our relationships and marriages is familiar territory, if only recently glorified by bawdy TV shows.

The Balance of Money, Sex, and Power

As I discuss in my book, Financial Infidelity, the balance of money, sex, and power can make or break a relationship, and often times, financial infidelities can take just as heavy a toll on a relationship as a a sexual infidelity.

Couples often fall into financial infidelity when they are not honest about how they spend money, or don’t discuss the strain that finances can put on a relationship.

One person may be overspending and going behind the other’s back by getting cash back at the grocery store and using it for personal items, operating bank accounts that the other person doesn’t know about, or any one of a number of things, some of which may seem inconsequential.

Often, the issue isn’t that one partner is withdrawing, say $20 without the other’s knowledge, it’s the spirit of deceit in which it’s done.

The Blowback

The blowback from this can be financial: when the “deceived” partner finds out what’s going on, they may feel entitled to make purchases of their own, further eroding the confines of a budget, not to mention trust.

It can also be relational as financial infidelity involves going behind someone’s back, covering your tracks, and not being honest with your partner, just like sexual infidelity.

Knowing how to deal with these struggles and understanding the differences between you and your partner when it comes to these things is crucial to a healthy, respectful relationship. Of course, this is easier said than done, especially if you haven’t pried into your financial history before.

A good place to start is by discussing your personal money habits, then taking a look at how money was dealt with in your past and in your family. You might be able to start drawing some conclusions about current behavior from examining your past.

How to Keep a “Financial 9/11” From Interfering In Your Relationships

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 19:31:41 +0000

I’m calling the meltdown on Wall Street “financial 9/11.” With the stock markets plummeting more than they have in roughly two decades, with the bailout being denied, with banks being bought, people foreclosing, it’s easy to see how difficult times have become.

And this difficulty is spreading from out from Wall Street and Washington and trickling right down to the homes of many middle class Americans.

The One Thing People Fight Most About

Money is one of the things people fight about the most, and with families throughout the nation feeling the pinch of high gas prices, rising food costs, possible job loss, less discretionary income and much more, fights about finances are likely to increase. And, while it’s naive to think that a financial crisis won’t take a toll on a a relationship, you don’t have to let it control your life.

It’s always a good time to talk about family finances but with things fluctuating the way they are right now, it’s IMPERATIVE to talk about money with your significant other. This is specially if the responsibility for budgeting, investing and financial decisions typically fall on one person.

Both people need to know what’s going on, need to be able to give input and need to feel like can voice their concerns. If the burden is falling on one person, the added stress of an unstable market can lead to poor decision making, including financial infidelity, where one person is making decisions, purchases or withdrawals behind the other’s back as a way of mitigating the added stress they’re feeling.

They can also turn to other addictive behaviors including overeating, resort to taking sleeping pills to help them fall asleep when their mind is racing, or even turn to a sexual affair. Couples need to remind themselves that they’re in it together, and they need to focus on the importance of being honest and working as a team.

Don’t Panic!

The important thing is not to panic. Aside from working through finances as a couple, you should also take times to do other things with each other. Watch your favorite TV show (which is free entertainment!), cook dinner together, exercise together. You want to keep your relationship and your passion for each other strong through this period as there will be lots of other distractions that will be needing your attention.

Talk About Money

Now is a good time to use “Smart Heart Dialogue,” which I’ve mentioned in my book, Financial Infidelity. Smart Heart Dialogue helps you share your financial history with someone you’re becoming intimate with.

Many of these conversations can be triggered by a transition in a relationship like the financial transitions many couples find themselves in right now! Use that transition to be open and honest in finding out what you can about the other person’s view of money.

This type of dialogue would likely work well in Washington to a). have mitigated this crisis in the first place and b). help politicians come to an agreement in terms of what’s to be done next. When talking in terms of Smart Heart Dialogue, I have some sample questions, one of them being:

“I overspent while we were on vacation, can you lend me some money?”

The explanation I give seems especially fitting for the government’s current situation:

*The person asking for a loan may not take money and budgeting as seriously as you do. Or maybe you overspent too. Whatever the case, you need to evaluate how you deal with money, leisure activities and “spur of the moment” purchases.

Is There Really an Infidelity Gene and What Does it Mean For Your Relationship?

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 11:48:50 +0000

A new gene discovered by scientists is being called the “infidelity gene,” but what does that actually mean, and is the name truly rooted in the scientific discovery?

Scientists at Karolinska Institutet have found a link between a specific gene and the way men bond to their partners. The same gene has been previously studied in voles, where it has been linked to monogamous behavior in males, but this is the first time that a specific gene variant has been associated with male bonding.

The Genetic Link and How it Affects Relationships

The effect of this variation is relatively small, and it cannot be used to predict with any real accuracy how someone will behave in a future relationship.

Hasse Walum, postgraduate student at the Department of Medical Epidemiology and Biostatistics, and his team found that men who carry one or two copies of a variant of a particular gene linked to hormone receptors, allele 334, often behave differently in relationships than men who lack this gene variant.

According to the study, the incidence of allele 334 was statistically linked to how strong a bond a man felt he had with his partner. Men who had two copies of allele 334 were also twice as likely to have had a marital or relational crisis in the past year than those who lacked the gene variant.

There was also a connection between the men’s gene variant and how happy their partners were with their relationship.

"Women married to men who carry one or two copies of allele 334 were, on average, less satisfied with their relationship than women married to men who didn’t carry this allele", says Hasse Walum.

It’s Not All About Genetics

A related study was carried out several years ago, in which researchers focused on women who were twins and found that if one of a pair of twins had a history of infidelity, the chances her sister would also stray were about 55%. It found the tendency for both twins to be either faithful or unfaithful was strongest in identical pairs who have identical genes.

The executors of the study stressed that genes alone did not determine whether somebody was likely to be unfaithful. Much could be boiled down to social factors as well.

I’ve found similar things throughout my years as a therapist and believe that certain people ARE genetically predisposed to have a more difficult time being faithful. I call it the bio-chemical craving for connection.

Where Infidelity Comes From

…

Safeguard Your Relationship From Financial Affairs

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:56:36 +0000

Just about everyone craves some sort of excitement in their life, and some people push boundaries to find it. Anything from skydiving to having a physical, emotional or financial affair.

If you’re lacking excitement in your relationship and are heading into dangerous territory (i.e., considering some kind of infidelity), know that wanting to seek the high that comes from a risky experience is normal, but how you handle the situation can make or break your relationship.

People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high.

There are ways to recreate these feelings with your partner, eliminating the need to look outside your relationship. You know those feelings you had when you first met? That’s the newness and excitement you’re looking for. Bring new elements into your relationship, and help yourself fall back in love with your partner.

Consider agreeing to commit to a “contract” for financial fidelity. Here are a few things you should work out under this contract:

Make a decision to fall in love again.

Fidelity, both sexual and financial, results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

Treat each other like you did at the beginning.

Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up. Make these activities your top priority!

A touch CAN be magical!

It can get your hormones flowing and build attraction. Rediscover romance by bringing physical connection, at whatever lever you’re comfortable with, back into your life.

Give up your old money relationships

Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.

To learn more about Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, visit www.DocBon.com.

She’s Crying On My Shoulder While Living With HIM (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 21:59:59 +0000

Office romances are tough enough, but…

Take an office romance, add infidelity, and throw in an abusive relationship… and you have a potentially very dangerous love triangle.

Fact is, many people don’t get out much, and they meet their friends and lovers at work, at the gym, or somewhere in between. Office romances are a very common occurence, though potentially complicated and unpleasant if it goes bad.

It’s one thing to have a fling with someone at work. But it’s an entirely different thing to get involved with a married co-worker.

Courting a married woman

If the lady is married or engaged, things get a lot more complicated.

A surprisingly common scenario is an unhappily married man or woman looking for a way out, an escape from their unhappy relationship. Co-workers tend to spend more time together these days than do married partners, so it’s only natural for a relationship to blossom and grow, particularly in the case of someone with an unhappy home life.

But beware the complications and implied promises. She may be clinging to you as her way out, in a "grass is greener on the other side" sort of way, not in a "I want to be with you forever" sort of way. The closeness doesn’t necessarily mean you’re "destined to be together", or that you’ll even stay together once she leaves her relationship. Remember this isn’t necessarily malicious on her part in any way, it’s just the mind’s way of escaping a bad situation.

Abusive relationships… how to break the cycle

To take this up another notch, let’s throw in an abusive relationship. Not only is she unhappy with her partner, but he’s also abusive with her. So at home she’s emotionally and sometimes physically abused.

All of a sudden, your relationship with her is blossoming and growing more than before. You’re not only her friend and confidant, but in contrast to her spouse, you’re warm, loving, and kind – and she seeks and feels the promise of a better life.

This can be a good thing, but as you get close, you start wanting to help her escape her abusive relationship. You want her to be with you, and you want her to be safe, comforted, and happy.

But SHE is the only one who can break the cycle of abuse. She has to decide if and when she’s had enough, and she has to ask for help – or accept help. Until that time, until she has made up her mind that it’s time to leave, there’s no chance of making the abusive situation go away.

Are you in danger?

The other man is generally not too happy to see his replacement showing up… especially if he’s still engaged or otherwise in a relationship with the lady in question, and doesn’t yet know he’s going to out in the cold.

And when you’re talking about someone who is capable of violence, as in "an abusive spouse", this is a recipe for bad things to happen…