What’s your “Imago”?

How do you look at your money based on your past? This is tricky for most of us and no doubt even trickier for someone who starts in show biz as a kid, but it’s an important step to take in having a healthy financial outlook. The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances – which leads to my next point.

Engage In Dialogue

I teach a technique called “Smart Heart Dialogue” where I instruct people on how to talk about money and other volatile topics within their closest relationships. Perhaps Michael Jackson had a close confidant – and I hope he did – but he seemed isolated and when we shy away from having someone who we can have real, difficult situations with is crucial to connecting on a personal, fundamental level.

Don’t Give Into Financial Infidelity

Whether we have enough money or we’re financially strapped, financial infidelity can still be taking place. Financial Infidelity (as I talk about in my book by the same name) like sexual infidelity, is spurred on by feelings of stress, loss and separation. As with any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. I call this the “biochemical craving for connection,” as the addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again. It’s something that’s understandably developed by people who are always “on,” who feel they always have to be on top.

Your Money Gram

Along these lines, I strongly believe that doing a “money gram” is one of the most crucial things you can do for yourself to understand what your financial history and tendencies are. This will help you to understand your attitudes, fears, beliefs and patterns in your money history. It may draw attention to issues you weren’t aware of. Ask questions like “how was money handled in my family?” “Was I aware of any financial troubles as a kid?” “How did this affect my view of money?” “Was money used as punishment or reward?” How has this influences my finances as an adult?”

Related articles:

1. Breaking A Financial Addiction Cycle
2. Power is the Ultimate Drug – The Relationship Between Power, Money and Your Relationship
3. How to Keep a “Financial 9/11” From Interfering In Your Relationships
4. When Should You Talk About Money In Your Relationship?
5. Don’t Let A Financial Downturn Cause Financial Infidelity in Your Relationship

What Does Money Have To Do With Great Relationships?

Believe me, I am not one to burst bubbles, but I am the kind of person who loves supporting people in their dreams, creative processes and imaginations. However, when it comes to being Date Smart and Relationship Ready, there’s one MAJOR piece that needs to be in place in order for Relationship Success to happen. And I’m talking about blissful, easy-going love relationships.

There is nothing like an empty wallet and creditors hounding you while you’re trying meet Mr. Wonderful. Also, wouldn’t it be great if you could finally be where you’ve always dreamed of being when it comes to finances and relationships? I’m not saying LOVE can’t happen during financial crisis; what I am saying is, if you want to end the cycle of bad dating and relationships, foreclose on never having money troubles in a relationship, then you will do what it takes to get debt free and financially sound. Here are 4 Financial Steps that will make you more Relationship Attractive.

4 Easy Steps To Becoming Financially Secure And Relationship Attractive

1. Fatten the PIG! Start an FDIC insured ING Direct on-line savings account. This is a FABULOUS way to have a small portion of your paycheck automatically delivered to your ING account earning a 1.50% APY. I have to say the greatest mind trick with ING is, while your money is being safely stored away and earning interest, you kind of forget it’s there and withdrawing the money takes a few days. So, you will less likely be enticed to spend it!

2. Stop the stinking thinking! There is a belief out there that says you are suppose to have money troubles in relationships and it’s all part of the process of relationship building. Yeah, it’s semi- true, but haven’t you suffered enough and wouldn’t you just love, for once in your life, to have things work out the way you envision them? I always say, build a solid foundation and if things go off course, like sudden money problems, you’ll have the tools and support to get you through it quicker. So, get your money mind-set in order, because that is one smart start to becoming relationship attractive.

3. Where’s that shredder? How many credit cards do you have? Can you transfer balances to one with a lower interest rate? Go for it and then SHRED the rest! You only need one and besides I learned that it’s smarter to have one card for travel or emergencies and pay cash for everything else. If you’re not ready to do this, take a little time to ponder over whether or not it’s worth paying interest or even high interest for goods and services.

4. Get advice! Put your money where it matters. Hire a professional coach to take you through what you need to do to get back on track with your finances. This is a VERY sexy relationship attractive step. It shows you want to start building a solid relationship with money, and that in itself, is a beautiful thing.

Now that you have 4 directions to go, choose one and see it to completion before going to the next. Little by little you will see the changes and before you know it, you are back on track with your finances and opening more space to let Mr. Wonderful in.

Related articles:

1. Don’t Let A Financial Downturn Cause Financial Infidelity in Your Relationship
2. Safeguard Your Relationship From Financial Affairs
3. Illusions And Magical Thinking In A Financial World
4. When Should You Talk About Money In Your Relationship?
5. Are Your Words Making You More Relationship Attractive?

According to a recent survey of men – broken down into five sections: Lifestyle, Dating, Sexuality, Power & Money and Men in 2008 – more and more men are also breaking out of what could be considered traditional “gender roles.” Whether that means they are supporting the women in their lives, taking on more domestic roles, or becoming more monogamous, the survey debunked many of the standard stereotypes to show that the modern man is one driven by a sense of values, loyalty and family.

The Numbers Might Surprise You

* 60% of men are nostalgic for the days when a handshake in business meant something
* 77% of men look for girlfriends with “wife potential”
* 69% of men would never cheat on their partner
* 57% of men cook at home and enjoying doing it
* 56% of men said that being a good father or husband makes a man “manly”
• 61% of men feel that no commercial depictions of the male gender are accurate ones

Of course there are no doubt still men who fall outside these percentages. The survey talked to women, too, to get their take on similar subjects and found a number of interesting things: 20% of women admitted to having had more than 15 sex partners, while only 17% of the male respondents said have had more than 15 partners.

By contrast, when women decide to “settle down” with someone, they tend to be more satisfied with that person and with their sex life. Thirty-four percent of females respondents said they would not change a thing about their lovers, while only 17% of men said the same. Additionally, 23% of female respondents are completely satisfied with their sex lives, versus only 14% of males.

Honesty And Finances

The survey definitely went a ways towards helping to debunk some myths about both genders and how they perceive themselves and their relationship. If we can be this open and honest in the context of a survey, we should practice that kind of honesty in our relationships, especially where money is concerned, as finances can be a huge source of strife for couples.

Many of the percentages expressed in the above scenarios also have a monetary component to them, and it’s important to talk about that component as well, since it often creates underlying issues. Learning to talk about money can be a difficult experience for some. But the social taboos around finances tend to be falling away, too and this can be a good thing when it comes to discussing your financial future with someone. Start early on in the dating process and get to know each others’ views and priorities.

Related articles:

1. So How Do Americans Really View Love And Relationships?
2. Struggling With Power And Money In Your Relationship?
3. What To Do When Your Partner Lies About Money
4. Power is the Ultimate Drug – The Relationship Between Power, Money and Your Relationship
5. The Psychology of Overspending

A report was recently released that the recession is said to have started this time last year. Meaning we’ve already been experiencing a decline for nearly a year.

Not to start this article off on a down note, but it can be hard to keep spirits  up, especially during the holiday season, when news like this hits the airwaves. So how can you avoid committing financial infidelity in this tough economic times?

Avoid Financial Infidelity

Those who end up falling into financial infidelity are often seeking to duplicate the euphoric feelings of "falling in love." They are trying to re-create their feelings, maybe not specifically with adulterous affairs, but by other means, including out-of-control shopping, or  other risk-taking behaviors.

It may seem counter-intuitive that someone would "binge-shop" during tough financial times or that a person would actively seek out risk, but the satisfaction that is felt from this "quick fix" can appear to be worth the risk or the cost.

Talk to Your Partner

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication. I touch on various types of relational/financial communication in my book, Financial Infidelity, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances.

You could engage in Smart Heart dialogue  where you use a transition in life to ask crucial questions and uncover you and your partners ideas about money. You could focus on your "Imago," the way you look at money based on your past both as an individual and as a couple.

Don’t Let Stress Get to You

The important this is to not let the stress get the better of you and to keep engaging each other in honest conversation. It’s hard not to let these conversations escalate, but it’s important to keep a neutral tone so that each person feels comfortable talking about their concerns:

*Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings. Truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your "agenda."

*Detach from your emotions. Try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.

After a fair and productive conversation, remember things that each person need to work on, in order to avoid financial infidelity or a need for thrill-seeking behavior.

Related articles:

1. Understanding the Sex-Money Connection…
2. Breaking A Financial Addiction Cycle
3. Financial Infidelity As An Addiction
4. Magical Thinking About Finances Can Put a Strain on Your Relationship
5. Safeguard Your Relationship From Financial Affairs

Perhaps not-so-surprisingly, the arousing pictures lit up the same part of the brain that also lit up when financial risks are taken.

The Sex and Money Study

The study involved 15 heterosexual young men at Stanford University and focused on the sex and money “hub” of the brain, which is near the base of the brain and plays a central role in what you consider to be pleasurable.

When the erotic images activated that hub, the men were far more likely to bet high on a random chance game that would earn them either a dollar or a dime.

The Triggers

Stanford psychologist Brian Knutson, a lead author of the study, says the trigger doesn’t HAVE to be sex. It could just as easily be something like a winning lotto ticket, good food or delicious dessert. Basically, he says, it’s all about the power of emotion and arousal and our financial decisions.

“It didn’t matter if the sexy woman didn’t tell you anything about the odds of winning a roulette game,” he explained. “What really matters is that the sexy woman is having an emotional impact. That bleeds over into your financial decisions.”

Part of a fulfilled life and relationship is keeping these emotional triggers, whatever they may be, from spilling over into your financial decisions too much. Letting sex, or food, for example, affect your financial relationship can have a severe impact on your emotional relationship. As I talk about in my book, Financial Infidelity, what typically leads to multiple types of infidelity, whether it be sexual, financial, emotional, etc, is a need for a thrill.

Thrill Seeking Behavior

Thrill seeking behavior, as this study shows, can be triggered by sex or sexual images and the reasons at at the root of this behavior can often be tied to stress and fear.

When it comes to financial infidelity, one person may use money or shopping to relieve the stress of a bad day at work, a fight in a relationship, any one of a number of things. These things are similar triggers to what can cause a sexual affair, as well.

The bottom line is, there are  behaviors going on behind the back of one of the partners. Obviously honesty is important, and it’s VERY important to be honest and not let the stresses, problems and temptations in your relationship get to the point of an infidelity! Learning how to talk through things you face, both as an individual and a couple, can be crucial to building a strong relationship.

Related articles:

1. The Brain/Credit Card Connection and Your Relationship
2. Don’t Let A Financial Downturn Cause Financial Infidelity in Your Relationship
3. The Psychology of Overspending
4. How to Keep the Money Mistress From Destroying Your Relationship
5. The Balance Of Power: How Sex And Money Affect Your Relationships

This money question from Jenny describes a problem many couples face. Money issues can be especially intense because money discussions are usually about much more than just money.

When Money Becomes an Issue

In tough times the money issue comes up because it represents a very basic need—security. When you feel threatened your normal rational way of functioning often becomes very primitive.

Your basic emotional instincts take over without their normal restraint. Therefore, the number one rule is to NOT discuss money when you are scared about not getting what you need. It’s very hard to be rational when you’re afraid and you can’t solve anything when you feel that way.

What You Can Do Differently

A couple of things you can do differently is to have some money talks when you’re feeling calm and connected. You can try these questions to stimulate a different kind of conversation. They’re based on Transactional Analysis (TA), a system for understanding, predicting and changing behavior that was developed in the 60’s.

TA explains that you act in at least 3 distinctly different ways. One, your Child Ego State is emotional. Another, your Parent Ego State is driven by and expresses rules you believe are necessary and important. The third, your Adult Ego State operates rationally and makes assessments and predictions based on information.

In computer terms, you can open any of three different programs and use them to address the problem. Some programs provide answers that are more practical than others, but each program gives you a “correct” answer based on it’s own system.

Questions to Ask

These questions are designed to discover the answers those six different programs the two of you are coming up with about money issues. Once you can see how complex this information really is, you can begin to sort it out instead of just arguing about it.

1. How would each of your parents tell you to solve the problem? Include step-parents or any other important parent figure as well. (Parent rules)

2. What would each of your parents do (have done) if they needed to solve this problem themselves? (Parent models that may become rules for you)

3. What would you do if you could do exactly what you want to do and nobody was watching and you didn’t have to answer to anybody about what you did? (Your own Child)

4. What are your resources and what are your options? You have this information when you stop to think about it. (Your Adult)

What’s Next?

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1. How to Keep the Money Mistress From Destroying Your Relationship
2. How To Talk About Money At Any Stage In Your Relationship
3. When Should You Talk About Money In Your Relationship?
4. Love, Money, and Sex – Advice for a Lasting Relationship – Dan and Jennifer on Retirement Television (Video)
5. Struggling With Power And Money In Your Relationship?

Bigger-scale problems of this nature often come during significant relationship problems that you may be having with your significant other. For example, if you’re aware of financial or sexual infidelities going on in your relationship, you’re likely to fall into some financial infidelities of your own, or succumb to the “money mistress.”

Examples of Financial Infidelity

A few examples of financial infidelity are:

*when one partner keeps money from a work bonus for themselves without telling the other person

*over-charging at drugstores or for groceries and keeping the cash

*when one person uses money or spending as a way of “keeping score”

Why People Succumb to Financial Infidelity

There are several ways to, and many reasons why, people fall into this type of behavior. The most basic and common can be when you’re already experiencing things like this at the hands of your partner. 

It can be tempting to retaliate in similar ways. You may even be in a relationship where you’re aware of a sexual affair, and you’re using your bank account to “get back” at the other person.

One couple I worked with had this problem. The woman was aware of her husband’s affair (as he wasn’t really doing much work to hide it) so she would see the purchases he made for his mistress, would add up the cost of these purchases, and then buy something for herself that cost that amount. She used this behavior as a way of trying to make herself feel good, and as a method of getting back at her spouse.

Of course the person already engaging in financial or sexual infidelities isn’t in the right either, but by retaliating or spending behind your partner’s back, you’re also taking part in what I call a “PoP shot” – or a “Pissed off Purchase!”  You’re fueled by anger towards the other person’s infidelities, whether they’re sexual or financial, and you decide to take action by using the bank account for leverage.

There are other versions of this situation that aren’t as drastic. I’ve seen cases where one partner overspends, and the other feels entitled to spend a similar amount, or in a similar way creating another type of money mistress. One key solution to the problem of a money mistress is to learn to fight fair.  Don’t let money be your weapon.

Rules to Make Sure You Talk About Money

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1. How To Talk About Money At Any Stage In Your Relationship
2. The Balance Of Power: How Sex And Money Affect Your Relationships
3. Understanding the Sex-Money Connection…
4. How To Manage Money Issues in a Loving Relationship
5. When Should You Talk About Money In Your Relationship?

When looking to fulfill your “imago” when it comes to a mate, subconsciously, you’re looking for someone that will “fill in the holes” left by your experience growing up and your parents, or to adults who were formative in your childhood , and you’ll be attracted to these traits right away on a subconscious level.

Your Financial Imago

A similar statement is true when it comes to your “financial imago.” Ideas about money that you’re carrying around from your parents and from your childhood WILL affect your relationship. Don’t forget, however, that you have control over HOW they affect it.

Just as “relational imago” tends to draw you to someone who possesses a number of qualities that you don’t, or excels in areas you feel you fall short (hey, opposites attract!), you’ll often be financially attracted to someone who has financial strengths where you have financial “holes,"  where you have unfinished childhood business.

In short, in some areas, you will likely pick a person that gives you the most trouble!

Your Financial Imago In Relationships

I studied under Harville Hendrix, who was the first to espouse the idea of relational imago and I’m applying his idea of Imago to finances in a relationship:

While you will always carry around your family money history, the things that trigger conflict about money are equally important. When dealing with finances in a relationship, you  both have to understand the ways you’re prone to deal with money, and you have to have a road map for how you WANT to deal with money.

In other words, you have to know your weaknesses, and know how you’re going to deal with them.  As you transition through life changes with your significant other, a big part of making that transition successfully comes from the way you deal with financial stressors as a couple.

Depending on your stage in life, and your stage in the relationship, there are a number of important  questions you need to answer.

Important Questions To Answer

Things like: How do you feel about debt? How much debt do you have? Are you a risk-taker or are you risk-averse? Will the kids go to private school? Will we fund their college education in its entirety?  Who will pay when we go out? How often will we go out and how often will we eat in?

Other Considerations

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1. Don’t Let A Financial Downturn Cause Financial Infidelity in Your Relationship
2. Understanding the Sex-Money Connection…
3. Magical Thinking About Finances Can Put a Strain on Your Relationship
4. The Brain/Credit Card Connection and Your Relationship
5. Do You Stash Cash?

They realize that heated discussions, arguments, even passionate fights are part of the process of negotiating the differences between two individuals. They are able to set aside the fear of abandonment and be courageous instead of comfortable, proactive instead of defensive. They realize that when two people become entrenched in a behavior pat tern, one of them must change in order to break the pattern.

There are no magical solutions 

There are no “magical solutions” (except for those people still in the honeymoon stage).

When it comes to money, most adults pride themselves on their practical approach to handling their own finances. But when it comes to cooperatively managing shared resources in an intimate relationship, I have seen even the most savvy financial managers—individuals who handle negotiations, investments, and expenditures of huge sums of money in their careers—engage in magical thinking, rather than initiate discussions about money with their partners.

Are you practicing magical thinking? 

To find out if you practice magical thinking to ease concerns about money, ask yourself the following questions…

Related articles:

1. Illusions And Magical Thinking In A Financial World
2. Don’t Let A Financial Downturn Cause Financial Infidelity in Your Relationship
3. What’s Your Imago? Huh?
4. Understanding the Sex-Money Connection…
5. How to Keep the Money Mistress From Destroying Your Relationship