What To Do When Your Partner Lies About Money

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 13:22:41 +0000

Money is a difficult topic to talk about – no matter how close you are with the other person, how long you’ve known them and how much you trust them.

This is evidenced by the fact that money troubles is one of the top causes of divorce. Any one of a number of money-related topics can be difficult to deal with, but confronting your significant other if you suspect them of lying about money is one of the harder discussions to have.

If one person in a relationship is going behind the other’s back when it comes to finances, there could be a number of things he or she is doing with the money – they could be spending it on themselves, they could be keeping some out of their paycheck for themselves (if this wasn’t already agreed upon), they could have been dishonest about the cost of a purchase – and the list goes on and on.

Is Your Partner Lying About Spending Money?

What’s perhaps more important than where and how this money is being spent, is WHY this money is being spent. When you confront your partner about their behavior, don’t judge or get angry. The person doing the spending could be afraid of the reaction they’ll get if they were to tell the truth, and by introducing anger into the discussion, you’re doing just the thing they’re fearful of.

Instead, provide what I call a “soft landing” using my Money Love Language, which I talk about in “Financial Infidelity.” Create and environment of empathy, clarity and validation – not shame.

There are a couple of exercises put forth in my book that are beneficial in this instance. Utilizing the Money Gram helps you how your money history – it uncovers why you spend by looking at the patterns from your family and your past.

Was money dealt with in a secretive way? Have you been treated like a child in the past in regards to money? The second exercise is Mirror, Mirror which shows where the person spends, why they’re inclined to spend, and calls for transparency.

What Can You Do?

If you’re in a relationship with someone who is prone to hide purchases or lie about finances, it’s important to reward them when they’re NOT spending instead of getting mad when they ARE. This helps encourage honesty and builds an environment of safety that the spender will feel safe in.

Power is the Ultimate Drug – The Relationship Between Power, Money and Your Relationship

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 19:00:48 +0000

One thing the financial crisis has shown us – now more than ever before – is that power is closely tied to money. Bernard Madoff is a good example. He saw a weakness in the system and took advantage of people and companies – to the tune of around $50 billion. Madoff’s downfall – and others like him – help show that now – more than ever – it’s important to be financially accountable.

Being Open And Honest About Finances With Your Partner

You may not have access to other people’s money, you may not be able to play the stock market against the odds. In fact, you may be on the other side of the fence along with most Americans: cutting back and trying to avoid a financial catastrophe of a different kind. But in both of these situations, being honest with your partner about your finances is crucial.

I suggest using the techniques I put forth in my book, Financial Infidelity, to figure out what factors influence how you think about – and talk about – money. I call this your MoneyGram – it’s your “financial makeup” if you will. Delving into your familial financial history can be enlightening to both yourself and your partner and can help you discover money behaviors and relationship dynamics within your family. This analysis will allow you to predict, prevent, overcome and solve money behaviors you face now – and in the future, including a dislike for discussing money.

How You View Your Money

As I mention in my book, Financial Infidelity, the dynamic of viewing money as a game of power in a relationship can have a significant impact on a couple’s shared finances. When faced with a crisis, risk takers, who generally take a “don’t worry, don’t plan” approach to money management, may make rash decisions that result in emotional and financial catastrophes for them and/or their partners. This can be especially problematic in this economic climate, where markets, accounts and careers are already primed for financial catastrophes anyway! It is crucial during these times of extreme crisis and/or risk that decisions be well though through, discussed openly, and ANYTHING but rash!

In order to successfully navigate the power struggles that occur around money, it is important to know how comfortable both you and you partner are with financial risk. It is also important to consider your relationship’s power dynamic and your personal relationship to money and power. Acknowledging these different perspectives can help you to understand where your partner is coming from when you find that you are locked in a power struggle about money.