How A Disagreement Can Bring You Closer

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:49:11 +0000

I was planning this week to write about about how to handle financial disagreements when they do arise in your relationship, and with all that’s been going on in our country, it’s a perfect time to bring in some specific examples and unpack the tools needed to get through stressful financial times. Now, couples are faced with a great opportunity to band together against the financial infidelity taking place in the world around them, and use this time to work together toward long term financial success, yes, but perhaps more importantly toward relationship success as well.

Disagreeing About Money

Fights about money crop up frequently in most relationships and with added stresses – like potential job loss, inability to pay bills, possibility of foreclosure, etc., etc. – arguing about ANYTHING can be painful, but talking about money heaps stress upon stress. In order to avoid the fallouts that often come in these high-stress situations, it’s important to focus on using “attachment language” when you argue, and also ensure that your partner has a “safe landing” during what can often be heated discussions. In other words, don’t blame each other. Look at the situation as objectively as possible. Allow each person to state their fears, concerns and frustrations without interruption or fear of reprisal, and by doing so create a safe place in which financial discussion can occur.

The “rules” for arguing are the same now as they were before “Financial 9/11,” but it’s even more important to put them into action at this point in time. A failure to do so can have an opposite-than-desired affect, and push your partner and family further away from you. When we’re facing difficult circumstances we need the support of those around us – and often these relationships, when maintained properly, can themselves help to reduce our feelings of stress!

How It Can Bring You Closer

Another way to mitigate stress surrounding money in your relationship is to focus on the good things that can come from a personal or national financial downturn. Yes, there are a few good things worth mentioning … things like:

*People are taking time to connect. Whereas before, most people knew how to make money and create some amount of success for themselves, the focus can now be on connecting with your loved ones and family.
*It’s enabled us to focus on simpler things: spending time with family, cooking meals and eating together, watching a movie at home, etc.
*We’re learning that money doesn’t HAVE to buy us happiness – happiness can come from the important relationships and interactions in our life.

There’s no better time than now to put this knowledge into action and focus on how much your relationship means to you.

Don’t Shop ‘Till Your Relationship Drops!

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 19:08:28 +0000

Most people don’t have a lot of extra money right now. For most of the country, couples and households are worrying about how to pinch pennies, not which hot-off-the-runway item would be best added to their wardrobe. But that doesn’t mean there’s not financial infidelity going on. It’s very stressful to have so much financial pressure put on your relationship and constantly worrying about making ends meet can take its toll.

“Me” Purchases

When you’re craving a “me” purchase, sometimes it seems the easiest thing to do can be to try and hide it. To pay for it in cash you’ve squirreled away, to charge to a credit card or account your significant other doesn’t know about. Making an off-budget purchase that – in different economic times – would be no big deal, can suddenly turn into a trouble spot in your finances and in your relationship.

It’s normal to need to unburden the stresses of always having to think about money, and it’s also perfectly normal to want to be a little self-indulgent from time to time. But we need to learn to do so in a way that doesn’t cause greater stress down the line. These behind-the-back purchases can lead to fights as well as more financial pressure. In this situation, you’re only fueling the problem, not fixing it!

Being Open And Honest About Finances

The first thing to do – before you attempt to make and then hide a purchase – is to discuss your finances with your partner. You may already be doing this, but it’s likely that you’ll need to tweak your budget as you go along when you find things that work and things that don’t. Talk with your partner about the possibility of having even a small discretionary spending budget. This may mean planning for a pedicure date with your girlfriends, or getting even $25-$50 a month for personal expenses like a new t-shirt you’ve been wanting or brunch with a friend. It’s important to connect and draw support from friends and family during tough times, and sometimes that costs money so it’s good to have a game plan for how to deal with that.

Keeping this in mind, you will still have to accept that keeping up appearances can be exhausting. Whether or not your friends and family are in the same economic place that you are, it’s OK to be up front with them. Money is a difficult subject to breach, even among friends, and I’m not suggesting that you air your dirty laundry, but if you have friends who aren’t stretched as thin, they may not think twice before making a lunch date. Instead, you may want to be prepared to suggest more economically-friendly ways to spend time together, like enjoying a picnic in a park, having tea together at your house, etc.