Question: Dear Dan and Jenn – why do you make all these videos and help out people? Good job and keep it up!

–YouTube Viewer

Our Passion

We love to help people find happiness in their relationships and their lives. Everyone deserves to be happy, and everyone is worth it! People struggle every day to find answers to questions about love, sex and relationships and we’re trying to make it easier for everyone to find the information they’re looking for. We believe strongly in making informed decisions and being armed with knowledge when it comes to making choices in your every day life. We believe in safe sex and open and honest sex education. We’re passionate about helping people to solve problems in their lives and learn the tools they need for healthy, happy and satisfying relationships.

Our New Video Shows

We love what we do so much that we’ve started two new video shows and websites this year! We’ve had so much success in developing the Ask Dan And Jennifer website that we wanted to create a site that shows people step by step how to create a powerful and successful online blog the way we did. Blog Success Journal is where we give tips, tricks and advice on everything blog and recommend the tools that we’ve used and love so other people can learn how to set up their own blog or website. The second website we’ve launched this year is Today Is That Day. We found that we enjoyed helping people so much with their questions about sex and relationships that we realized we wanted to answer other questions too! On Today Is That Day, we answer questions about weight loss, personal improvement and self awareness and growth.

Our Opinions

We’re not doctors and we’re not therapists. We’re highly opinionated people who love to talk! We love hearing the opinions of others, too. Our online video show allows us to share our opinions with others as well as see what other people have to say about the topic we’re talking about. We love to get people talking with each other too, because our motto is, “question everything!” We believe it’s important to think about something and question it instead of just accepting it because it’s what you were taught or what you heard. We love it when people ask questions, because it means they’re thinking and trying to get some real answers for themselves.

Check out our YouTube channel to watch our latest videos, and be sure to leave a comment about what you think! You can also visit our Facebook page to see what other people are saying about our latest articles, tips and videos. Get in on the discussion!

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Question: Hey Dan and Jenn, last night my best friend of 8 years just admitted to wanting to be “more than just friends” with me however, we are both guys so I’m not really interested. He’s asked me to do stuff with him but I can’t seem to give him a straight no, I guess I just don’t want to hurt his feelings. Is there anyway I can permanently turn him down whilst keeping the friendship we had? Any help will be great, thanks.

–YouTube Viewer

Being Afraid Of Hurting Their Feelings

If your friend likes you and wants to be more than friends and have a romantic relationship with you, it can make the friendship very awkward if you want to stay just friends. You may be afraid to hurt them because they’re you’re friend, so you may have avoided telling them the truth about how you really feel. You may be afraid that they’ll think you don’t want to be friends at all, or they may be so hurt or embarassed that they just can’t bear to be friends with you anymore. Either way, if you haven’t told your friend the truth, you’re probably afraid that it hurt them and that it will end the friendship.

Be Honest

Regardless of how afraid you are to tell your friend the truth about not returning their romantic feelings, it’s important that you be honest with them and honest with yourself. Leading them on, even by not saying anything at all, will make it worse when you do finally tell them that you don’t like them that way or when they figure it out on their own. The best thing to do in this situation is to be completely honest, without being critical, and just let them know in a nice way that you don’t want to be romantic with them. Be sure to let them know that you really do value the friendship and want to continue to be friends, but that moving beyond that just isn’t something you are interested in.

If It Affects The Friendship 

No matter how hard you try not to hurt your friend’s feelings, you might end up doing just that. Hopefully if you’ve been honest with them and weren’t critical, they’ll understand and still want to continue the friendship. But no matter how nice or understanding you are about it, you do run the slight chance that they won’t want to stay friends with you. This is usually on account of embarassment on their part, especially if they really thought you felt romantic about them. If this happens, there’s nothing you can do about it, except let your friend know that you really don’t want to see the friendship end. Even if they choose to end the friendship, it’s important that you were honest about your feelings and didn’t lead them on. They’ll appreciate that in the long run.

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Question: How do I tell my parents I’m bisexual without getting a reaction like “Oh, it’s just a phase” or “You’re just being eccentric?”

–YouTube Viewer

Should You Tell Your Parents?

A lot of people feel like they should tell their parents about their sexual orientation as soon as they discover it. If you realize that you’re gay or bisexual, should you tell your parents right away? Perhaps not – give yourself some time to absorb this yourself first and get to know yourself on this new level. It’s up to you when you tell your parents or even if you tell them at all, but it’s important to know that there’s no rush. If you’re planning on bringing someone home, or you feel more comfortable being very openly gay or bisexual, it’s best that your parents aren’t surprised or that they don’t hear it from someone else. In this case, it’s important to talk to them as soon as possible so they can hear it straight from you.

Telling Your Parents

When you tell your parents about your sexual orientation, it’s essential that you be honest and sincere. Don’t be vulgar and keep it simple. You don’t have to have a sit down talk, but make sure you and your parents aren’t out at dinner or in a place where it might become uncomfortable. Be calm and confident when you talk to your parents, which will be easier if you’ve given yourself time to absorb your sexuality. If you’re still unsure of your sexual orientation yourself, you’re going to appear unsure to your parents too. You might get questions from your parents and you need to be prepared to answer them with concise, honest and confident answers.

Their Reaction

It’s impossible to know what your parent’s reaction will be until you actually tell them. You might suspect that they’ll become angry or simply dismiss you as going through “a phase,” but you won’t know for sure. When you tell your parents that you’re bisexual or gay, respect their reaction. It might not be the reaction you want or even the reaction you thought they’d have, but you can’t force them to feel the same way about your sexuality as you do. If your parents suggest you’ll “grow out of it,” simply give it time. Be true to yourself and your parents will soon see that your sexual orientation isn’t just a passing phase and that it is part of who you are. They’ll have to choose either to accept you as you are or not, and unfortunately, you can’t do anything to influence that decision. So just focus on being yourself and learning to be comfortable in your own skin.

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Is it OK to explore my sexuality – like being bisexual? Or does that make me gay?? What should I do?

Right Vs. Wrong

To answer the question – is it wrong to be bisexual or is it wrong to experiment with your sexuality – you must first decide what “right” and “wrong” really are. Technically, outside of religious context or outside of your own moral constitutes, there is no right or wrong anything when it comes to sex. Since the dawn of time, humans have done everything that is sexual, because essentially, humans are sexual beings. Only in more recent decades have society and religions began to dictate what we should or shouldn’t do sexually. So answer this question for yourself – what does my religion say about being bisexual or exploring my sexuality? What do my own personal morals say about it? If your own beliefs allow you to explore sex with different people, feel free to experiment sexually.

Sexual Orientation

If you’re experimenting with your sexuality and are having sex with people of your same sex as well as people of the opposite sex, you may be wondering if you’re technically bisexual or even gay. Exploring your sexuality, however, doesn’t require the use of a label at all. Most people experiment sexually at a young age, including in their late teens and early twenties. Most people have settled down in their sexuality at about 26 or so years old. So if you’re younger than that, don’t stress too much about what your sexual orientation is – it doesn’t have to be anything right now! If you truly feel that you might be one sexual orientation or another, think about which gender you think about when you have sex or even masturbate. Regardless of who you go to bed with physically, if you’re always thinking about one gender or another while having sex, you’re likely sexually inclined towards that particular gender. If it’s an even mix, you might not be ready to settle down yet.

Being Safe

If you’re exploring your sexuality, it’s important that you be safe and informed. Regardless of which gender you’re having sex with, you can still transmit sexually transmitted diseases and infections, as well as become pregnant or get another woman pregnant in some instances. Take the time to educate yourself about sex with both genders so you know what activities can transmit STD’s and how you can protect yourself. Many people think about having safer sex when they’re having sex with the opposite gender, but often sex with the same gender gets overlooked when it comes to protecting yourself. Don’t risk it – get in the know about STD’s and pregnancy no matter what gender you are and no matter which gender you prefer to have sex with. You’re worth it!

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Through my own experiences, especially when it comes to becoming more Relationship Attractive, I’ve discovered that healthy communication is essential for becoming a Date Smart and Relationship Ready single gay man. Now, think about this: Are YOU the type of person who is highly reactive when your emotions are at a high?

Myth vs. Reality

There’s also a deeply ingrained myth regarding conflicts and relationships; that it’s healthy when you’re in constant conflict in a relationship. Well, I would like to bust that myth by saying it’s simply NOT true and it doesn’t have to be that way. Sure, conflicts are part of human nature, and what’s also part of human nature is the ability to either come to a point where conflict is dealt with ease or you work on conflict skills so they are not so HEATED when you do find Mr. Wonderful…..but it doesn’t have to be a normal occurrence in relationships.

You can rest your heart, because just when you thought there was no way to turn it around, I’m here to tell you there is. As a blissful and successful single gay man myself I have spent an enormous amount of time working on how to mellow out the emotions when in conflict. This was a HUGE learning curve for me, but I set an intention, applied what the experts taught me and I can proudly say I’ve mastered it.

To cut your learning time by at least half, I am going to share with you a simple formula that will take you from reactionary to the calm and peaceful communicator that you know you can be. You will learn how to resolve conflict with ease that will eventually lead you to a more peaceful existence, especially when it comes to that special relationship you are working towards attracting.

Learning How To Communicate

1. Active Listening. Remember, when in conflict, it’s not really about them, it’s about you. Stay grounded, keep the blame factor to yourself and keep your emotions in check. Try this experiment: The next time someone comes to you with a “complaint or who is emotionally dumping on you,” try reflecting back what they’re say to you, using their words. That means, no interrupting to give your advice or input in the matter. Our egos want to WIN, but there are no winners here. It’s not a competition. Simply reflect back what they are saying by beginning each phrase with “So, what I’m hearing you say is…” and when they are done, ask if you might have a turn to respond. This will help ground you, force you to listen and help you put into perspective what they might be needing and after some practice you’ll react less and become a highly skilled listener.

2. Use your words. I spent a few years teaching preschool and one principle always sticks out in my mind. We taught our kids to “Use Their Words” when in conflict. I believe as adults the same principle holds a lot of power and value; especially if you’re stuck in reactionary mode. This was one of the biggest lessons for me as an adult. Sometimes as adults we don’t use our words when expressing frustration, anger or even joy. That doesn’t mean using inappropriate words, but words that serve you and the skills of healthy communication. Children ARE amazing teachers!

3. Choose your battles. Pardon me while I use that word, “battle.” By no means do I promote conflict. What I mean is, if conflict does arise, cool down and take some time to work through it yourself first. Ask yourself important questions like, “What do I need right now?” “How can I take care of myself without involving others?” “How important is it really and am I blowing the situation out of proportion?” You will be surprised by the answers, and just by taking some time to reflect and actually thinking about the situation you might actually discover that what you were angry about wasn’t all that important to begin with.

Your Relationship Attractive Homework

The only way change is going to happen is if you implement these steps right away CONSISTENTLY. I can remember a time when I would attend seminars and read self-help books and wondered why I didn’t see changes happening in my life. I soon realized that until I apply the tips and strategies in my own life CONSISTENTLY, nothing was going to change. Ask a friend to practice strategies 1 and 2 with you. Role playing can be fun and you both will gain so much value.

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One Clients’ Journey

I have to say, my clients are pretty darn special and the most amazing people I have had the honor of coaching. I’ve been working with a particular client for a little over 5 months now and we’re at the point where our interactions just flow back and forth, like the ebb and flow of the tide. The co-creative relationship is so precious.

Why this particular client?

In the middle of our last session, he arrived at the awareness that his ideal partner is essentially himself and our work together has been about him building a meaningful relationship with the love of his life; again himself. This was a profound awakening for him and not to mention, something really cool for me to witness. Now, I know many gay men stomp their foot down, egos is hand, claiming they do not want a carbon copy of themselves. What I mean is, how you see yourself in the world and how you are being in the world, is how you will know when Mr. Wonderful is right in front of you. The important qualities you see in yourself are the one you’ll recognize in him.

His current homework assignment was to report to me each night via email how he sees himself completely during his day. This is his first email: “I see myself completely and realize that I don’t always ask for what I need, I say I’m ok when really deep down I’m not. I see myself completely when I realize that being vulnerable, telling someone exactly what I need, is hard for me to do.”

You see, he is beginning to recognize when he isn’t being true to himself. Sometimes our needs slip away, but to recognize and acknowledge it, is a very powerful thing. Just like when it comes to your own love life. Are you tending to your own dating needs? Are you seeking out guys who meet your requirements and values? If you’re not, chances are you’re needs need tending to. Are you pretty lost when it comes to knowing what your requirements are for a relationships? Is it hard to lead from your core values?

Your Relationship Success Assignment

For the next five days, take time at the end of your day to sit down and reflect where you see yourself completely. Where were you being true to yourself? Where were you inviting presence into a certain situation? As soon as you can get clear on how you see yourself, you will get clearer on who you are at the core, what the ideal partner and relationship looks like and you’ll soon start uncovering the road that will get you there.

YOU are a truly unique person with unique needs AND the power to make it happen, because only YOU can make it happen!

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However, once you’ve accepted yourself, there comes a time that you want your friends and family to accept you as well. Should you tell your parents that you’re gay?

Unfortunately, it’s not necessarily and easy “yes” or “no” answer.

I’m gay! Should I tell my parents? If so, how? When?

Take A Look At Your Family’s Background

Were you raised in a very strict, religious family? Were your parents raised in a very strict, religious family? What kind of values does your family hold? Take a look at other things that society has accepted and really look at how your family has reacted to that.

Do you have parents or grandparents that are still prejudiced against races other than their own? Do any of your family members still hold outdated beliefs about women and their place in society?

Do you have any friends that are gay or do your parents come into contact with gay people in their daily lives? How do they react to these people?

Really examine your family and feel out how they’ve judged similar situations that have caused society to change its beliefs as a whole. Have your parents changed with the times or do they still hold old fashioned beliefs? Do they hold strict religious beliefs?

Taking a hard look at how they’ve judged similar situations will help you determine whether or not its best to tell you’re parents that you’re gay at this time in your life.

When To Tell

Telling your parents that you’re gay might not be best when you’re young.

Your parents may react very strongly to the news, whether they’ve suspected it or not, and you need to make sure you have a solid support system of friends, a home, a job and anything else you might need to get you through a tough time should your parents decide this is not news they’re willing to accept.

It can be incredibly painful when parents decide they’re not ready to accept a child being gay, and its important that you take steps to make sure you’ll be okay should that happen. Waiting until you’re older may be a wise decision.

Other Things To Consider

It’s also important to take into account how you feel about the situation. Is it very important that you tell your parents how you feel about your sexual orientation? If telling your parents is a very big deal to you, it may be worth it to go ahead and tell them regardless of how they might react to the news.

Remember that if your family members should decide that they’re not able to accept the fact that you’re gay right now, they most likely will warm up to it in the future. They may never be in favor of you being gay, but they will most likely come to a point where they accept you for who you are because they love you.

Keep in mind that your parents raised you. They may already suspect that you’re gay whether you’ve said anything or not.

If they’ve been asking whether you’re gay or not, it may mean that they are already suspicious of it or that they’re ready to know. Take some time to decide if telling them is the right thing for you, and if you decide not to tell them now, you can certainly do it later when the timing feels right to you.

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Most men love the idea of seeing their woman have sex with another woman while they watch, or the idea of having two women have sex with him at the same time.

But threesome fantasies don’t stop there…

There are also men out there, who love the idea of watching their woman have sex with another man.

Here’s an interesting question.  If a man enjoys the idea of watching his woman have sex with another man, does this make him gay?

Here’s a question from Michael whose fantasies have him wondering about his sexuality.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I have talked jokingly about threesomes in the past. But recently she’s been bringing up the idea more often. I’m worried about what she would want afterwards like if she’d wanna bring home a guy. I don’t know how to respond…

I have entertained the thought of watching her have sex with another man while I watch. Would that make me gay to enjoy watching it? Also, I had more homo erotic thoughts but haven’t gotten hard around a guy that’s straight.

Am I just curious, confused or bi?

– Michael, Massachusetts

Does This Mean I’m Gay?

We’re all sexual beings. We all have a unique ideas and fantasies, things that turn us on. Don’t get stuck on labels and just consider yourself ‘sexual’. It’s very common, and very exciting for most men, to think of their girlfriend as bi-curious, but most men get a little nervous when they think of a bi-curious boy.

But on that topic… We ran an online dating site for over three years and were very surprised by the large number of bisexual or bi-curious men. It’s not as uncommon as you might like to think.

There’s nothing wrong with being bi-curious, bisexual, or gay. That’s just your sexual preference. The sooner you get in touch with your own sexual preferences and desires, the happier and more fulfilled your sex life will be.

On The Topic Of Threesomes

So the idea of watching your partner with another man or woman that you really excited – and you have talked to one another enough to know that it gets your partner excited as well…

Here three tips to help make your first threesome more successful:

1. Talk About It

Before you and your partner set out to act out your fantasies of having a threesome, it’s critical that you both talk about it and understand why you want to do it. It’s also important to talk about what kind of threesome you are interested in.

Do you want to see your girlfriend with another woman, or perhaps another man. Do you want to see your boyfriend with another woman or another man. Do you both want to be intimately involved, or you prefer to just watch.

It’s also important to talk about who this third person will be. Will it be a close friend?  Will it be a stranger? Do you want to be friends with him or her afterword are you just looking for one night stand? What should his or her age be? What should they look like?

It’s important to talk about the details up front so that you don’t end up fighting over something silly halfway down the road…

2. Set Boundaries And Stick To Them

Boundaries…

This is an important one that many people overlook. Before your first threesome, and your second, and your third, talk about what’s OK and what’s not. Where is your comfort zone? Where is your partners comfort zone? Are there any actions that are forbidden?

It’s a worthwhile exercise to actually take the time to write down what is OK and one is not. We have some good friends who jokingly refer to their first list… it must’ve been 100 items long. You can do this.  You can’t do that.  This is OK.  That’s not. — Now they have just two runs a list away. That works for them. Your list may get longer. The important thing here is that you talk about it and agree on the ground rules before during and after.

3.  Try It And Then Talk About It Some More

Once everyone’s happy and feels COMPLETELY comfortable, go for it. Try it. See how it feels and talk about those feelings. What surprised you? What didn’t? Did the experience go as you expected it? Do you want to do it again?

Hopefully by now you get the point…

Communication is critical in your relationship and even more important when you bring other people into the relationship.

We can’t say it enough… Talk. Talk.  Talk.

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