Ask Dan and Jennifer » happy marriage

Should You Stay In A Sexless Marriage? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 19:21:41 +0000

Many marriages go through tough, rocky times. Whether you’re emotionally distant with your partner or you’ve physically stopped being intimate, going through difficult times with your partner can be frustrating and hurtful.

If you and your partner have stopped having sex, whether you’re emotionally distant or not, should you stay in a sexless marriage for the sake of staying in the marriage?

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Staying Together For The Kids

Many married couples believe that it’s better to be unhappy in a marriage and stay together if they have children. They believe that raising their children in a traditional, nuclear family is the best way to go, whether they’re happy as a couple or not.

Many couples will simply grow apart but continue to stay married and live together for the sake of the children? Is this the best idea? Probably not. Married couples that are unhappy, fighting and emotionally divorced have just as much effect on children as physically divorced couples.

No matter what you decide to do, it’s going to have an effect on your children. In fact, it probably already has up to this point. Your biggest decision now is how to proceed. What will impact the children in the most positive way?

If you and your partner are constantly fighting or are so emotionally distant that it appears to your children that you can’t stand each other, there’s really no compelling reason to stay married. Your children will most likely be better off if you’re divorced, spending equal time with happier and more confident parents, even if you are apart.

Why Is The Marriage Sexless?

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4 Tips To Keep His Eyes From Wandering

Cynthia Perkins — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 13:51:52 +0000

Although most men enjoy looking at other women, assuming we’re dealing with at least a semi-emotionally healthy man, who doesn’t have ego, sex addiction or Don Juan issues, most men are not going to act on their biological urges as long as certain needs are met for them in their primary relationship.

The most empowering step a woman can take to preserve her relationship and reduce the risk he will wander is to be aware of these needs and provide them for her partner to the best of her ability.

Yes, it is a two way street and her needs are just as important as his and he too should make the same effort to provide for her, however at this time we’re focusing on the needs of the man.

1. Make Him Feel Appreciated, Wanted, Desired and Important

We all want to feel appreciated and desired, but research tells us that one of the main reasons a man strays is because of the way the other woman makes him feel. She makes him feel special, important, desired and appreciated. If he gets this at home, there will be no need for him to look for it elsewhere.

After a couple has been in a relationship for a while, the novelty wears off and both partners begin to take each other for granted. We forget about simple things like showing appreciation and expressing desire.

Again, men are just as guilty as women at falling into this rut, but for now we’re talking about helping the woman understand her man.

We’re not just talking about sex here. Just like women, the man wants to feel appreciated outside the bedroom as well. Acknowledge to him that you appreciate how he provides for your family, or how much you enjoyed the family vacation or outing you went on last week.

When he does a great job in the yard, fixes the window that’s been falling down for a year or stops the faucet from dripping let him know you appreciate it by saying thank you.

He wants to feel important in the household. Thank him for being a great father and let him know how lucky you are to have him as a husband. If he does something special for you, acknowledge it and express gratitude. Make a big deal out of the little things. Compliment him on his skills and knowledge.

2. Use Words and Actions to Show Your Love

Give him verbal appreciation, but also express it with your actions. Be thoughtful and caring by making him his favorite desert, buying him a small gift, giving him a massage or surprising him with some unexpected afternoon delights.

On the sex side of things, he wants to be appreciated and desired here too. Make him feel like he’s irresistible and you can’t keep your hands off him. Tell him how attractive he is to you, how much you desire him and what a great lover he is.

Take pleasure in giving him pleasure. Tell him how much you love his penis and how much you enjoy how it feels and tastes. Compliment his physique, his skill and his equipment. Shower him and his equipment with affection and adoration.

Now, I’m not saying you go overboard here or ignore problems that exist in the relationship, but there should be balance. If a couple only focuses on what’s wrong with the relationship and not on what’s good, then the good often gets lost in the shuffle.

Additionally, I’m not suggesting you lie or exaggerate. If you do that, he’ll feel patronized and you’ll grow resentful. Be honest and sincere.

3. Have Sex Frequently

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How To Achieve Emotional And Sexual Intimacy In Your Relationship

Nick Arrizza MD — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 11:15:05 +0000

To know and experience each other fully is the most effective way to keep the bonds of understanding, love and empathy alive and strong. This is the glue that keeps a relationship intact. Without it, it will eventually fall apart.

So what do I mean by emotional and/or sexual intimacy and how can one nurture such experiences?

Intimacy is not necessarily sex

Well, intimacy is often colloquially thought of as simply "having sex" by some. This is not what I mean here.

By intimacy I am referring to one’s ability to be open to one’s own inner feelings and then be able to share such experiences with one’s partner freely and without fear of any kind.

You see intimacy is about letting yourself be fully known to yourself and to your partner.

Unfortunately this is easier said than done for many individuals because most have been conditioned to suppress, hide, denigrate, or make unconscious much of one’s inner emotional life.

That is largely because the societal norms which continue to be perpetuated see feelings and emotions as dangerous, untrustworthy, illogical, painful, impulsive, etc.

Well, this is a sad state of affairs because emotions and feelings are what make you and me human beings.

What happens when we shut down

So by shutting down this part of one’s life experience one is essentially making one’s self less than a whole human being. That means that while in a relationship you are not fully present as your complete self.

Of course at some level your partner will eventually recognize this and feel like he/she is not fulfilled because he/she is not having a relationship with a whole human being.

It’s at times like this that individuals start feeling dissatisfied with their relationship and hence start looking elsewhere for happiness. No wonder so many relationships end for this reason.

The ability to nurture a bond of intimacy starts only when each individual starts to take personal responsibility for allowing their inner emotional life to emerge. First to themselves and then to their partner.

As I said earlier this self revelation can be a scary one for many because allowing this emotional life to emerge often means allowing unresolved emotional pain to come to the surface of one’s experience. This can make an individual feel inadequate, guilty, sad, depressed, anxious, angry, hurt, tired, etc.

The tendency might be to attempt to numb the emotional pain through drugs, alcohol, sex, work, and other distractions. Again this leads to individuals simply acting out a stale relationship with little depth and or awareness of self or other.

Sooner or later this will declare itself as unsatisfying and each partner will be on the look out for something else.

Nurturing intimacy

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Do You Know The Secret To Marital Bliss?

Melody Brooke — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 13:47:37 +0000

Wow! I’m so Glad I Married You!

The main thing I remember about being with my ex-husband is how angry I felt all the time.

I was always unhappy with him about something.

He didn’t care if the living room was covered with screws from the many computer parts he was constantly putting together.

He didn’t care that I was alone almost every night in a small town miles away from my family while he was working late at night. He disregarded my feelings about most things and pretty much did as he liked with no regard for me.

I had a long list of gripes, serious complaints and general dissatisfaction with him that ate me up every day. When I left him I felt such relief, just to not be carrying all that resentment any more.

Being Single for 10 Years Gave Me a New Perspective

After being single for nearly 10 years I finally met and married my current husband. And, I have to say, I did a lot of work on myself in the interim. The gripes that that I had regarding my ex-husband, I am chagrined to disclose, were mostly kept to myself.

That is, between my girlfriends and myself, they all knew; my husband didn’t.

So now, going into this marriage I was determined to speak my truths and not pretend that everything was okay when I was deeply or even shallowly perturbed with him. Needless to say my first year of marriage was tough.

After years of not speaking my truths I began to realize that my truths were not THE truth. The fact that there were other ways of looking at things, and other perspectives was a shock to me, in spite of my training and knowledge.

This left me with a new way to look at my life, and what was happening in my marriage. Maybe there were other ways to look at what was happening, and had happened in my previous marriages (yes, marriages, plural).

You see the funny thing is that both my most recent ex-husband and my current one are in the same line of work. They even share the same name, and initials, first, middle and last. Both are hardheaded and extremely bright. Both work very hard and care a lot about their family.

Yet the quality of my relationship with my current husband is light years from my previous one.

Honestly, while some of this has to do with their differences (they are not exactly alike, even with all the similarities) – I really don’t believe that explains it fully.

The Gift of Gratitude

The difference that counts is that I am different. I am so very different in many ways, but the one that hit me tonight is that I am now able to be grateful for my husband.

Understand, my husband is not perfect. He has, like all spouses, his quirks and…

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