Ask Dan and Jennifer » happy relationship

The People You Love – Giving The Benefit Of The Doubt Even When It Feels Like The Last Thing You Want To Do

Wendy Strgar — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 14:26:51 +0000

Here’s a new years resolution that anyone can keep. Give the people you love, starting with yourself, the benefit of the doubt.

Generally speaking and almost without exception most of us are doing the best that we can at any given moment. We are being as loving as we can be, as kind as we can be, as generous as we can be, even though our best might not make it, even and especially in our own eyes.

The People We Love Sometimes Bring Out the Worst in Us

This was brought home to me in a deep and personal way as I spent the holidays with my original family. Although the visit did not include any storming out or other traumatic arguments that suggested the end of the relationship, the very lack of them and what was left over made the reality of the relationship clear.

It was a bittersweet departure, with this realization of what was left between us, and our agreement to not try to be understood or provoke a healing in all the old wounds.

My fifteen year old son commented that my mother did not bring out the best in me. He loves his newfound wisdom and I could not argue the point.

Sometimes the love we can express doesn’t bring out the best in us, and although we may wish to be kinder and more loving the reality of the past and all the baggage that is visceral in us allows only the benefit of the doubt to protect us.

Seeing the Limits of Our Capacity to Love

It is a humbling realization. To see the limits of one’s own capacity to love so clearly and still try to come to a place of loving oneself. This is actually our only choice and in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. in his speech “Where do we go from here?”

He calls this creative redemptive love “ultimately the only answer we have as a human family.” This redemptive love, which is far from the way we idealize loving relationships, is what we are given to build family and community with. It has to be enough.

When Love Brings Out the Best in Us

With many people in my life, loving them brings out the best in me. I am inspired by my ability to give generously of my time and resources. It is comforting and easy for me to accept even my weaknesses when I am with these heart connections.

Needing to Give the Benefit of the Doubt

I don’t have to think about giving the benefit of the doubt so much in these relationships because they make me feel strong and, on good days, confident.

But what this new year taught me is that until I can embrace the relationships where I am weakest, and meaner than I want to believe, I can’t fully embrace the rich heart connections because all those parts of me live in me and can’t be neatly separated by the quality of the relationship.

In fact the more complex the relationship the more likely that the benefit of the doubt is the only thing that can sustain us living on this little blue planet spinning in space.

Been Out of the Dating Game for A While? Here Are Some Pointers That Will Save You Time And Heartache

Elaine Williams — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 14:26:48 +0000

You’re a widow, divorced or caught in the midst of life’s circumstances. Perhaps you’d never thought this would happen to you at this time of your life, being alone.

Maybe you’re alone by choice but not really sure if you want to remain that way. There are plenty of choices of where to go from here, but the tough part is making the one that’s right for you.

If you’ve been out of dating a number of years, you may find the dating scene has changed considerably.

I hadn’t dated for 25 when I stumbled back in. I experienced a wide array of emotions; shock, dismay, impatience, annoyance and even moments of wonder.

Some Pointers That May Save You Time and Pain

Learn to recognize those who are “takers” – those who want a physical relationship and nothing more. If you’re also looking for a noncommittal relationship, this may work for you. However, be aware that once intimacy enters a relationship, the rules change. Many times it leaves the door open for attachment and ultimately, unfulfilled expectations if one party leaves.

Unsafe and Unprotected Sex

We tell our children to use condoms and practice safe sex. We owe ourselves the same. Educate yourself on sexually transmitted diseases and how to avoid them.

A Free Meal is Only a Free Meal If…

If you are treated, there’s no obligation other than a gracious thank you. If you don’t feel a connection with someone, offer to pay for your portion of the check.

Abusive Relationships

No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, whether verbal, mental or physical. Walk away. Don’t hold false hope that things will get better.

Smooth Talkers

We all know at least one, don’t we? They’ve had a lot of practice to talk their way through just about anything and anyone. Do I need to say more?

Needy Relationships

Everyone likes to feel needed from time to time, but if you’re in a relationship where you’re constantly bailing someone out, save yourself the stress and your wallet.

Emotionally Unavailable Individuals (Surface Daters)

They talk a good game, but can’t deliver any lasting commitment or anything beyond the immediate moment. They have a difficult time offering support in any substantial way, show no real caring in you as an individual, nor do they exhibit a real interest in sticking around.

These relationships (for want of a better word) start fast and fizzle shortly thereafter.

Clinging and unwarranted jealously might feel empowering at first, but be cautious about being sucked into a relationship based on this type of need. Do you seriously want to be in a relationship where your every move is questioned and up for inspection?

Dating Can Do a Number on Your Self-Confidence

In today’s world dating can take a hard shot at your self-confidence. You begin to wonder if the right person will ever come along. You’ve done your best to be proactive. Everyone says you’re intelligent, attractive… and yet you’re still batting zero on the dating scene. Is it you or is it everyone else? It may be a combination of both.

As a widow of almost five years, I’ve found what worked best for me was pursuing my own interests. Involve yourself in activities and work that stimulates you, instead of placing that burden on a prospective partner. When you feel more whole as an individual, you might just find that perfect someone popping up into your life when you least expect it.

Next Time You Have A Breakdown In Communication, Consider This…

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 14:26:28 +0000

When a woman falls in love with a man, he makes her feel safe, protected, and cherished. She makes him feel seen and respected. These gifts we give each other satisfy ancient longings housed in our biology. They are why we trust each other so quickly, connect so deeply, and start planning for the future!

Moving From Trust & Fulfillment to Irritation & Frustration

At some point, couples move from this position of trust and fulfillment to irritation and frustration. It is as if a pendulum swings them back and forth, sometimes against their will. Maybe it begins with simple things.

For instance, one is a slob and the other is a neat freak. These differences started out being cute but aren’t anymore! Eventually, she will drive him nuts wanting to talk about the relationship.

He will make her worried and insecure withdrawing at every attempt she makes to talk. Before you know it, they feel like enemies to each other either some of the time or all of the time.

Breakdowns in Communication

The next time your relationship suffers from a breakdown in communication, consider what drew you to each other in the first place. For her, feeling safe, protected and cherished satisfy deep, fundamental needs. For him, feeling seen and respected satisfies deep, fundamental needs.

Instead of putting your attention on what you are not getting from your partner, put your attention on what you once gave and try giving it again.

Personality Conflicts and Communication

My husband, Joseph, and I have a personality conflict that contributes to breakdowns in communication. It has occurred to me that addressing the personality conflict isn’t the way to improve the situation.

If we go there, we will wind up monitoring each other and/or ourselves, adding to the frustration and contributing to an even bigger breakdown! Instead, focusing on what we originally gave each other in this situation might just save us a lot of heartache.

What the Personality Conflict Looks Like

The personality conflict looks like this. I have a very active mind. Whenever anyone speaks to me, they are intruding on my thoughts. This means that for the first few seconds of conversation, I am in two places at once in my mind. I’m finishing up my thoughts and beginning to pay attention to the person speaking to me.

Things can get lost in translation because of my active mind!

In addition, my sharp mind prefers details. Instead of telling me something like, “That was the best hamburger I’ve had in a long time,” when it’s been a couple of days since that hamburger was eaten; I prefer more details such as, “Remember when we ate at the Stony Knob Diner last week and I had a hamburger and fries?

That was the best hamburger I’ve had in months. We need to go back there soon!” I realize people don’t talk like that. Folks pick and choose from hundreds of thoughts to share and often begin mid-sentence. I speak like that because details matter to me. See, it’s just a personality issue.

It Isn’t Personal

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It’s OK to Trust: How You Can Overcome The Fear of Intimacy

Alan B. Densky, CH — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 19:33:51 +0000

Cold silences. Angry outbursts. Heart wrenching dread that he (or she) is cheating on you. Suddenly everything starts going wrong, and a relationship that seemed so promising is suddenly on the brink of disaster. You can’t imagine how things could break down so rapidly.

Fear of Intimacy

This problem is called “fear of intimacy.” It’s not uncommon, but it is very hard to overcome unless you recognize the problem and act quickly to get help. If you have found yourself experiencing this stressful relationship pattern over and over again, chances are very high that you struggle with intimacy issues.

If you have developed a fear of intimacy, you are not alone. There is help for your problem, if you are willing to do the hard work necessary to conquer it and develop meaningful, lasting relationships that will be enjoyable and rewarding.

What Causes Fear of Intimacy?

Some people have bad relationships with the primary adults in their lives, such as their parents or grandparents. Many of these adults struggled themselves with intimacy problems or with alcoholism or drug dependency. These adults had difficulty caring for and relating to their children, a problem that they passed on to the children.

Other persons who have trouble with becoming close to another person became involved in a bad relationship. If you were a victim of abuse, or if your previous partner cheated on you, you may find that it’s almost impossible to trust someone else again. Trusting another person after you’ve been let down or abandoned is extremely hard.

Many people have trouble admitting to themselves or to others that they do have trouble trusting in a relationship. Often, they cannot even say why they have trouble.

There may be no single incident or bad relationship to which they can point and say, “This is when I stopped trusting in other people.” All they know is that relationships don’t seem to last for more than a few months, and they don’t know what to do to fix the problem.

There Is Hope For You

If you are one of these people, or if you know someone who does have a fear of intimacy, there is hope. The first, and one of the most important steps, is recognizing that you have trust issues and deciding that you want things to get better. Only after you are ready to seek healing can you find a way to cope with and overcome the painful emotions within.

Your Options For Overcoming Fear Of Intimacy

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How To Talk Yourself Out Of A Depression – Before You Talk Yourself Out Of A Relationship

Alan B. Densky, CH — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 01:30:35 +0000

Sure, everyone gets down from time to time, and their friends try to cheer them up. But what happens when you get down and just can’t be cheered up, or your friends seem to start spending all their time trying to cheer you up? Pretty soon, your friends start finding other things to do, and stop hanging out with you.

The same thing happens in a relationship. Everyone has a bad day now and then but, if you start having bad days all the time, people get tired of trying to cheer you up, and they move on to other relationships that are more fulfilling and less depressing.

Stop The Depression Before They Stop You

If you have finally found that person you’ve spent your life dreaming about, you want to learn how to get control over your moods, and stop being depressed, before that special someone decides to stop seeing you!

Wouldn’t it be phenomenal if you could control or get rid of depression just by having certain thoughts? I know that this might sound too simple, but very frequently; many types of depression are simply caused by thinking negative thoughts. If you can control the thoughts, you can control the depression. It really is that simple!

Skeptical? Try This…

Don’t believe me? Then test it out! It’s easy to try this out for yourself and see that it really works. Just imagine something that you find to be very sad or troubling. Go ahead, think about it right now! Then return to this article.

Okay, so what happened? If you did what I asked you to do, and tried to visualize the situation clearly, you started to feel unhappy and a little depressed. And the more you allow yourself to stay in that pattern of thought, the sadder you will feel. As you stay in those thoughts and continue feeling sadder, you lead yourself into a gradually intensifying depression.

Displace the Sadness With Happy Memories

The good news, though, is that if you think about a happy memory, then you will displace that sadness and depression and replace it with happy feelings.

Please pay close attention now, because here are the keys to ending your depression: Our most persistent thoughts spring forth from the unconscious mind. These are the thoughts that we find ourselves naturally thinking about throughout the day.

If the persistent thoughts that are continually recurring in your mind are about your sad experiences or problems, then you intensify your levels of depression, anxiety, and stress.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

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Feeling Needy? Have A Clingy Partner? Find Out How To Bring Balance To An Unbalanced Relationship

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 11:55:41 +0000

Have you ever called someone else or been called a “stalker?” Using the term or having it used on you is a frustrated or mean way to say, “I’m sorry but I don’t love you and I need you to understand this and give me my space!”

Sometimes calling someone a “stalker” comes after several failed attempts at communicating the disparity in feelings. Other times, used early on in that person’s affection, it is meant to belittle and humiliate.

One of the problems inherent when a person is actually stalked is the stalker invades that person’s personal space: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and even spiritually. The stalker is in the person’s life without invitation and without permission.

Similarly, when a person has someone in her life that has fallen in love with her and is desperate to be seen by her, this potential lover’s attention can feel needy, clingy, and invasive because he is requesting admittance at a deep level without invitation or permission.

Imbalance In Relationships

Within an established relationship, if one member of the couple is usually needier or more clinging, resentment can start to build for both of them. For instance, if I am going through a period of insecurity and fear and I pull on my husband for reassurance repeatedly,

I resent my weakness as well as the extra power he has as the more secure one. If I am so needy that he never has the opportunity to relax much less share his own insecurities here and there, he can resent having to be the strong one.

An imbalance of need or desire can suck the life right out of either an established, potential, or even non-existent relationship! How do you turn the tide when you find you are the needy one and what can you do to help yourself and the relationship if you are the stronger one?

Balancing the Imbalance

The short answer to both sides is self-love! At those times in life when you find yourself the needier, more insecure one, self-love is an incredible cure. If you have found yourself in the needy position for what seems like most of your life, self-love is crucial!

By nurturing yourself, giving yourself your own unconditional high regard, thereby valuing who you are from the core of your being to the tips of your fingers, souls of your feet, and top of your head, you give yourself a sense of security from within that no one else can give you. Furthermore, no one else can take it away.

Self-Love is the Answer

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Is Stress Damaging Your Relationship?

Alan B. Densky, CH — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 19:09:43 +0000

Stress is a normal part of daily life. In fact, without a small amount of stress, our bodies wouldn’t function. Yes, our lives actually depend on stress! If stress is good for us, how do we know how much is enough – and how much is too much?

Stress is so normal that we actually come to depend on it to help us with the everyday activities of our lives. For example, if people didn’t feel some stress and anxiety about their grades, they would not be motivated to perform well in school. Likewise, without being a little anxious about paying bills, eating, and housing, people would not be concerned about getting employment or doing their jobs well.

Stress Damages Health & Relationships

Too much stress, however can be damaging to our health and relationships. Excessive worrying can cause a person’s body to produce chemicals that cause high blood pressure, lessen pain tolerance, and even delay healing.

People with high stress levels become ill more easily and get well more slowly. They aren’t able to perform their jobs as effectively or concentrate as intently on course work and exams.

Excessive stress can damage personal relationships as well as business relationships. People who are coping with high levels of anxiety are often irritable from lack of sleep, and have a lower tolerance for a family member’s little faults. Persons who are under high levels of stress may find it much more difficult to control their tempers or say things tactfully.

This often leads to harsh or unkind words. The person who is under high levels of stress may or may not realize just how much someone else might be affected by these words. If he or she does not recognize how much the words hurt, further misunderstandings can result, and the relationship can be permanently hurt by this situation.

How Dating Causes Stress

People who are dating are under high levels of stress as each is working to convince the other that he or she is attractive, interesting, and appealing. Usually, people who are irritable and cranky are not appealing to others.

If you are considering entering a dating relationship, but are at a stressful point in your life, it may be wise to think about waiting until your stress is resolved, or getting some help in relieving your anxiety.

If you are already in a relationship that you value, however, avoiding interacting with the person while you are feeling stressed is probably not a good choice. Finding relief from the stress is probably a more desirable choice than getting out of the relationship altogether. But where can you turn?

Where to Turn For Help

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Happy Relationships: How To Replace Fear And Doubt With Gratitude, Love and Trust

Dr. Joe Rubino — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:02:07 +0000

As human beings, we operate daily reflecting a wide range of emotions with a multitude of motivations fueling our behaviors.

All too often, we react emotionally to what others say or do. If our reactions are preceded by the emotions of fear, anger, or sadness, we forfeit our ability to act with personal power and effectiveness in lieu of a knee-jerk response.

The emotional reaction

This reaction is all too often sourced in fear and low self-esteem. We may focus on what’s wrong with us and our lives, fear being controlled, hurt, or taken advantage of.

We may overlook the many things we have in our lives for which we should rightly be grateful, doubt our ability to thrive and access the abundance we see all around us in the world, reacting instead from the concern of scarcity and the expectation of failure, hurt, and disappointment.

We may see ourselves in competition for the world’s resources and the love and attention of others rather than realizing that there is more than enough of all that is good to go around. We forget that we manifest what we expect rather than needing to compete for limited resources.

Whenever we forget that we are magnificent beings and that there is plenty of wealth, happiness, fun, and fulfillment to go around, we might feel the need to protect ourselves from what we perceive to be a dangerous world. We likewise tend to forget that others operate from the same lacking self-confidence, scarcity of gratitude, and deficient self-love that we often do.

The result of not seeing ourselves as good enough

So, whenever two or more individuals see themselves as not good enough to tap into the world’s abundance and get all their needs met from a physical, social, mental, and emotional perspective, conflicts are likely to arise.

The result is broken relationships, strained communication, emotional pain, struggle, and suffering. All of these are needless and optional for those who realize their ability to detach from the struggle and master their emotional response.

When we stop to realize that everyone else suffers from the same self-doubt and fear of being dominated and cheated out of getting their fair share of love, fun, money, possessions, and security, we can break the vicious cycle of endless competition and continual striving for domination.

Breaking the cycle

We can realize that cooperation and communication is more effective in producing harmony than competition and a focus on self-interest based on fear.

We can intentionally choose to trust that others are doing the best they know how to do based upon how they see the world. We can assume that they act from good intentions, even when we fear the opposite.

Creating win-win relationships

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Five Tips for Creating Soulful Intimacy In Your Relationship

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 15:35:16 +0000

There are times in life when we experience intimacy in natural, spontaneous ways. Consider love at first glance.

Someone who was a stranger is now in your life 24/7 and crazy about you! Suddenly, parts of your life that were private are now on display to the one you love but with whom love hasn’t been tested.

For instance, putting potato chips on your sandwich in front of him or her makes you feel awkward with the intimacy of the exposure of a funny, little detail of your life! The first time you get naked together makes you tingle all over from the vulnerability. Intimacy that is the result of love at first glance is easy.

It is when we have been in love for a while that we need to turn our attention once again to intimacy. We can create the kind of intimacy that will set our souls aflame! Following are five tips for creating soulful intimacy.

Speak and listen in a new way

Men and women communicate differently. Men like to get right to the point; therefore, they only have so much time and attention when it comes to listening. They want you to get to the point! Women, on the other hand, like to share nuances of insights and feelings when they communicate. Getting to the point for a woman might take several meandering twists and turns first.

One way to create soulful intimacy is to speak and listen in such a way that your partner feels seen and heard. When a woman gets right to the point, her man hears her in a completely new way, which is gratifying for both of them! When she listens with focused attention, he feels heard and appreciates this.

When he listens to her meandering thoughts and expressed feelings, she feels cherished. When he takes the risk to speak of his feelings, philosophy, and personal experience, she feels honored.

Without trying to morph into the opposite sex’s viewpoint, just every once in a while speak and listen the way he or she does. As simple as it sounds, doing so will make you feel you are taking one of those risks that makes you feel the kind of vulnerability that creates a fresh spurt of intimacy in the air between you.

Get imaginative with touch

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Wired to Connect: Why Technology Keeps You From Really Connecting With Your Loved Ones

Wendy Strgar — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 13:51:48 +0000

Sustainable love, the kind that we use as a compass to keep us connected to a vital, healthy and happy relationships are now being recognized as skills that might just save our species.

Hardwired to be social

We finally have the scientific equipment to verify what we have always known: our drive to be social, to be connected to each other, is actually hardwired. Our need for connection and drive towards empathy is not a result of environmental influences but rather a function built into the brain itself.

Daniel Goleman, PhD, a New York Times science writer and bestselling author of Emotional Intelligence, has taken his research to a whole new level and has published Social Intelligence.

Advances in neuroscience now allow us to observe brain activity while we are in the act of feeling. We can now witness that we are continuously forming brain to brain bridges- a two-way brain traffic system. In the same way that we can "catch" a cold from someone, we can "catch" their bad mood- or good mood.

The significance of the relationship indicates how deeply we are affected and will stimulate actual physical consequences: hormonal response that magnifies stress (cortisol) or induces happiness (oxytocin).

Take your vitamins

Positive interactions and being surrounded by loving people actually works like a vitamin for your entire being. Negative relationships and interactions don’t just make us angry; they make us ill. As in other brain functions, this one also reflects our amazing neuro-plasticity.

This is to say that our brains are continually building new connections. And, no matter how young or old, anyone’s personality can be affected by other people. We literally heal each other through our social connections.

Virtual reality

This news couldn’t come at a better time, as we continue to replace real interaction with techno-driven reality. Is it really dating when it is virtual? Are we connected to others when we only share words on a screen? More than any new technology, what we truly need is to develop a lifestyle which encourages deeper human connection.

Overwhelmed with digital connectivity, it is easy to become oblivious to the people surrounding us. How often have you witnessed someone at a check out stand absorbed in some deep conversation on a cell phone and entirely oblivious to the person in front of them.

Making real connections

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5 Tips For an Amazing Relationship

Michael Webb — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 13:19:15 +0000

Here are 5 tips to help you make yours a truly amazing and happy relationship…

1. Make Time For Your Relationship

Time and time again, people tell me my ideas are wonderful, but they feel they can’t be as loving or romantic as I am because they don’t have enough hours in the day.

I have the same amount of time given to me each day as everyone else does. It’s how I prioritize the time that might be different. Besides my relationship with my Creator, my time spent with Athena is most important to me.

More important than my job. More important than the money I make. More important than exercise. More important than my friends or other family members. And yes, even more important than Ashton, my darling little son.

I am not against nice items for those who can afford them and don’t have to work insane hours to attain them. But I am slightly perplexed by those who work too many hours or have a long daily commute just so they can have "things," not realizing they are losing something that is even more valuable and precious.

2. Share Secrets Together

I’ve got a secret and I’m not sharing. Actually, I have a lot of secrets. There are a lot of things that are only known to Athena and me that keeps us close.

I like it when Athena shares things with me that she doesn’t share with others. It makes me feel special and unique in her eyes. I tell her things that I don’t tell my friends or family. It’s not like these are horrible things we have done that we can’t tell others. I just want Athena to feel like she knows me better than anyone else.

Make your sweetheart feel special. Always share important things with them first. Let some things remain a secret between the two of you for a little while before letting the rest of the world know all about your personal life.

3. Have Date Nights

Without special time together, relationships can pull apart or simply become stale. But you can’t simply replace doing nothing with doing the exact same thing week after week. The oh-so-predictable dinner and a movie can be all right if mixed up with some other types of dates.

Here are a few suggestions: Bookstore, library, museum, zoo or park date, or together collect clothes for a shelter.

4. Spice Up Your Love Life

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Do You Know The #1 Secret To A Truly Happy Relationship? (Video)

Paul Carlson — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 13:32:44 +0000

It’s a question that just about everyone has asked at least at one point or another in their lives.

What is the secret to long term, happy relationships? Is there even a secret?

While there is no tried and true formula that you can follow to the letter to ensure you have a happy relationship for years to come, there are a few things you can do to make your relationship easier and more fulfilling.

What is the secret to long term happy relationships?

Wait! Give this Video 5 Stars and Subscribe Today so you don’t miss a single video.

Accepting your partner.

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Can a Relationship That Starts Out as an Affair Succeed? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 14 May 2007 17:45:25 +0000

Some couples are blessed with eternal happiness and an amazing relationship that gets stronger day by day, year by year. But others are just not so lucky, for any of hundreds of possible reasons.

Even though their relationship can start out great, they slowly start arguing and often grow apart until they’re downright miserable being together. Counseling can frequently help them mend their differences, but sometimes even that fails. Yet they stay together in an unhappy relationship because no one wants to think about break up and divorce; because to many, that means they’ve failed.

Often times, these unhappy people meet other unhappy people in a similar situation, and start an extramarital relationship, a.k.a. an affair. And no, it’s not always just about sex. Many times, an affair serves to fill an empty emotional void.

This new relationship can seem stronger and happier than the current marriage either partner is trying to escape. But, with the extreme stress and social pressure they’ll both face, can a relationship that starts out as an affair succeed and end up as a happy, long term relationship?

Today’s question is from a lady in Australia facing this very real issue.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

OK, I’ll prepare myself for an onslaught of hatred…. it’ll just mirror reality anyway. Two years ago I fell in love with a married man and the feelings were mutual. He had not loved his wife for many years – he had been feeling depressed and decided that was "his lot" in life.

We have tried a few times over the past two years to end things with each other, but we can’t. We feel – maybe as every affair couple does – that we are meant to be together. He has decided he cannot keep living a lie, and is making the first moves to move out. No, he is not going to tell her about me because it would make things even harder than they already will be (they have a 10 year old daughter). He has told her that he does not love her and wants to leave. She is resisting that, and is trying to do whatever she can to encourage him to stay. But he’s determined to leave, and eventually we will make our relationship public.

My question is, knowing that the statistics are poor for couples who get together as a result of an affair, what are the pitfalls we should be aware of, and how do we get through them. We want to be together forever. We know this is not ideal. But can you please offer some advice?

– Ria in Australia

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts - leave a comment below.