Ask Dan and Jennifer » healthy relationships

How Men Can Create Healthy And Happy Relationships

Maryanne Comaroto — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:00:40 +0000

Guys, this one’s for you – and ladies, feel free to pass it on to any guy you know in your life who’s on a path toward thinking holistically about love, relationships and family.

Creating A Path For Healthy, Happy Relationships

Much of my work focuses on how women relate to the opposite sex, why they make the decisions that they do, how they can make better decisions, and begin by loving THEMSELVES. While all this is also true for men, of course, it tends to have greater appeal to the gals. However, I’m also interested in how the male mind relates to relationships, and I there are many, many guys out there who are on paths toward fulfilling, honest and healthy relationships. So lately I’ve been tapping into this demographic, in preparation for my next book which will be specifically geared for the men!

In the process of doing so, I’ve asked a lot of questions, talked about a lot of so-called “taboo” subjects, and been impressed and humbled by the honest answers I’ve been given. What I’ve come up with is this: How we approach relationship and sex cannot be separated from our values about children, marriage and family (considering one primary unconscious drive is to procreate). Having stated the obvious, it’s what isn’t so obvious that I would like to help illuminate with my next book, so as a culture we are better equipped to raise healthy, thriving children, rather than continue the cycle of dysfunction we each in our own way struggle to be free of.

What Men Need To Know Before Pursuing A Relationship

What I’ve gathered through this research is a series of questions, a few of which I will list here, that I think it’s important for guys to know the answers to before they seek out their ideal relationship.

So men, it’s your turn to tell your version, your truth, and here are a few questions to help you get started (if you’re so inclined, we would LOVE for you to email your answers – or your story, or both! – to info@maryannelive.com. We read and respond personally to each email and I may feature you in upcoming work!

Do you respect women?
How do you respect them?
At the end of the day, do you feel it’s ultimately a woman’s job to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant?
If someone you have sex with does get pregnant and decides to keep the baby, what responsibility do you have to this child and to the mother?
What do you think a father’s responsibilities are?
What qualities should a woman look for in a man they want to have children with?
Why do you feel we have such an epidemic of “absent“fathers in our culture?
What makes a great father?
What sacrifices are men generally unwilling to make to be a great father?
What will you never give up to be a great husband and father?

As you ponder these questions – and these are only a few of the ones I’ve been asking the men in MY life! – here’s a little feedback from men I’ve worked with who are asking the big questions about how they relate to the opposite sex.

In this video, my husband talks to my first men’s relationship class about why friction is good in a relationship!

How Role Reversal Between Men & Women Can Affect Your Relationship

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 13:02:52 +0000

I recently heard a young woman casually refer to the man she’d had rebound sex with at the close of a long term relationship while castigating her former lover for 1) already being in a relationship and 2) being in a relationship with a “skank.”

Because she hoped the result of the break up would be their getting back together some day, she feels he needs to 1) wait for her and 2) maintain his virtue for her satisfaction.

What is wrong with this picture? When she becomes the seducer out there in the world and desires her former lover maintain his virtue, she assumes the role of the man and expects him to take the role of the woman. It isn’t fair and it isn’t healthy.

Role Reversal in Our Society

Not only is this scene typical in our role reversal society, it is typical for adult mama’s boys and daddy’s girls. Mama’s boys are men who do not realize the key to their personal power and potency lies within.

They try to get their power by either pushing against or pulling on the women in their lives. Daddy’s girls are women who do not realize the path to their fulfillment lies within. They attempt to find fulfillment by taking care of the men in their lives. Adult mama’s boys and daddy’s girls fall into role reversal easily and painfully.

The young woman mentioned above is a daddy’s girl who “mothers” everyone in her life. She takes care of them by alternately bullying them, nurturing them, patronizing them, and helping make their lives easier by sacrificing for them. She is a magnet for any mama’s boy looking to please “mother.”

Her former lover is most likely in a rebound relationship with someone who will cause her to feel threatened and humiliated. When she rejected him, his pride was hurt and now he has something to prove. Because he is on the rebound, this current relationship will likely not last.

At some point, he will long for a woman who is more demanding so that he can attempt to feel like a man by trying to please her and make her happy.

Relationships Are Messy!

It is easy to look at the surface of this constellation of relationships following a break up, shake our heads and murmur disdain. It is also possible to look at this scene and feel uncomfortable or ashamed because it is too familiar. Don’t dismiss these young lovers out of hand.

Relationships are messy because few of us are taught how to have healthy, romantic relationships! However, we can walk out of the painful complications of role reversal. A primary guide on the path to healing is the technique called “Act as if.”

Acting As If….

Wired to Connect: Why Technology Keeps You From Really Connecting With Your Loved Ones

Wendy Strgar — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 13:51:48 +0000

Sustainable love, the kind that we use as a compass to keep us connected to a vital, healthy and happy relationships are now being recognized as skills that might just save our species.

Hardwired to be social

We finally have the scientific equipment to verify what we have always known: our drive to be social, to be connected to each other, is actually hardwired. Our need for connection and drive towards empathy is not a result of environmental influences but rather a function built into the brain itself.

Daniel Goleman, PhD, a New York Times science writer and bestselling author of Emotional Intelligence, has taken his research to a whole new level and has published Social Intelligence.

Advances in neuroscience now allow us to observe brain activity while we are in the act of feeling. We can now witness that we are continuously forming brain to brain bridges- a two-way brain traffic system. In the same way that we can "catch" a cold from someone, we can "catch" their bad mood- or good mood.

The significance of the relationship indicates how deeply we are affected and will stimulate actual physical consequences: hormonal response that magnifies stress (cortisol) or induces happiness (oxytocin).

Take your vitamins

Positive interactions and being surrounded by loving people actually works like a vitamin for your entire being. Negative relationships and interactions don’t just make us angry; they make us ill. As in other brain functions, this one also reflects our amazing neuro-plasticity.

This is to say that our brains are continually building new connections. And, no matter how young or old, anyone’s personality can be affected by other people. We literally heal each other through our social connections.

Virtual reality

This news couldn’t come at a better time, as we continue to replace real interaction with techno-driven reality. Is it really dating when it is virtual? Are we connected to others when we only share words on a screen? More than any new technology, what we truly need is to develop a lifestyle which encourages deeper human connection.

Overwhelmed with digital connectivity, it is easy to become oblivious to the people surrounding us. How often have you witnessed someone at a check out stand absorbed in some deep conversation on a cell phone and entirely oblivious to the person in front of them.

Making real connections

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Healthy Relationships: Assessing the Emotional Safety

Lisa Brookes Kift — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 16:45:39 +0000

Couples seek relationship counseling for numerous reasons. As a professional who works with many different couples with a variety of issues, I’ve identified one similar thread that runs through all of them.

Their relationships lack in varying degrees of “emotional safety.” Typically, the couples who present as the most hostile, distant, angry, disengaged or otherwise dysfunctional are the least emotionally safe together. Even people who come for counseling who have less glaring issues can benefit from a tune-up in this area.

So what is “emotional safety” in a relationship?

I define this as the level of comfort both people feel with each other. There are six aspects in which to assess the emotional safety in a relationship. They are respect, feeling heard, understanding, validation, empathy and love. How can one assess their own relationship based on this paradigm? When working with couples, I often ask each partner to rate, from zero to ten, (zero being “never” and ten being “all the time”) how much they feel each of the six mentioned aspects of emotional safety from their partner. I chart it out with each person’s name written on the top of a piece of paper with a column under each. Then on the left side I list the six aspects with rows next to them.

Respect: How much do each of them feel respected by their partner? People who report low levels of respect often experience criticism or judgment from the other.
Feeling Heard: How much does their partner listen to them? Those who don’t feel heard complain of being ignored, tuned out or talked over by the other.
Understood: How much do each of them feel understood by their partner? People with low levels of understanding from the other report frustration around their partner not getting them or twisting their words into an entirely different meaning.
Validation: How much do they each feel validated by each other? Low levels of validation are problematic to any relationship in that one or both don’t feel that their partner gets what they’re saying. Its one step beyond understanding and it doesn’t require the partner to necessarily agree with them.
Empathy: How much do they each feel the other can be empathetic with them? A low number on this is the most toxic of the six aspects in that a lack of empathy in a relationship means a lack of attunement to the others emotions. The partner experiencing a lack of empathy can experience a great deal of sadness or anger. “You don’t care how I feel.”
Love: How much do they feel loved by each other? This encapsulates and reflects the state of the previous five. Couples who report low levels of feeling loved by the other typically have low numbers in the other aspects.

Doing this type of charting makes it easy to compare and contrast how each person feels in the relationship. This tool is very helpful to anyone wanting to assess their own level of emotional safety. Be aware that it might bring up a lot for both partners. If the topic proves to cause too much emotional reactivity then a trained therapist can help flesh out the results and provide a road map to make changes. In my work, I find that it often involves altering communication styles, behavior modification and exploration of both partner’s families of origin. The greatest evidence of change in the relationship are these numbers going up – and they can!

Lisa Brookes Kift, M.A., is a Marriage & Family Therapist Registered Intern in San Diego, California. She helps individuals and couples work through a variety of issues. To learn more about her and her services go to www.LisaKiftTherapy.com.