My girlfriend and I have an amazing relationship. Our communication is great! We’re totally open and honest about everything. She kind of dropped a bomb . She feels like a guy in a girl’s body. She’s talking about becoming flat chested, and actually having the surgery. I have no idea how to deal with this. What should I do? I really need some relationship advice!

–YouTube Viewer

What should you do? Besides run for the hills?

Seriously though, this is a simple question with no simple answer. This is super complex. The real question is: is this the relationship you want? If yes or no, the answer’s totally okay. If you’re not into this, it doesn’t make you a bad person.

Ask Yourself Some Questions First

This is one of those things to REALLY think through before you do or say anything about it. Seek relationship advice from trusted people, but also really dig deep within yourself. Is she serious? Is it a joke? Has she been dropping “manly” hints? Is this just a way for her to express her dominant, more masculine side? Maybe this is something a little strap on play could cure? Would that scratch her itch? We all have masculine and feminine elements to our personality, regardless of our gender.

It’s a yin and yang sort of thing. Maybe her yang or her yin are out of whack and she needs to get them balanced. If so, we have two words for you: strap on. And no, it doesn’t make you gay if you left your girlfriend have anal sex with you via a strap on. But it will make you sore for a few days (at least the first time) so be sure to use lots and lots of lube.

A lot of people say things, but does that mean they’re going to do it? Usually no. So just because she said this to you, doesn’t mean you necessarily have anything to worry about. At least not yet. There’s really only one way and one way alone to find out for sure.

Talking To Her

Don’t be critical, be honest and open. If you’re not interested in being in that relationship, say so. This is a pretty serious and profound issue and not everyone is going to be okay with their partner changing genders on them. Have an open and honest conversation about this, one free of judgement or labels or anything that could ruffle feathers or rub either party the wrong way. Discussing any issue with your partner open and honestly without criticism is probably the best relationship advice you’re ever going to get.

What do you do? Nothing. Wait and see. Find out if she’s serious. If she is, you’ll know. Most people talk and talk and talk and talk about doing things, but few people ever actually do them. How many overweight people do you know who talk about losing weight in January who are actually slimmer in December? Not that many.

Most people are all talk and no action when it comes to losing weight and that doesn’t involve surgery to their genitals! Imagine what the completion rate is on people who talk about sex changes versus the people who actually go through with it? It’s probably really, really super small. So you can most likely breathe easy.

If She Really Wants To Do It

If she continues to talk about this subject and continues to express interest in a sex change, it’s not going to be so easy to brush it off. If you come to a point through conversations with her, listening to her and observing her behavior that you believe she’s really serious about it, it’s time for you to sit down and think seriously about it.

Think about whether you are okay with this – and it’s perfectly fine if you’re not. It’s also perfectly fine if you are. Really sit down and think about what YOU want and how YOUR life will be affected by this. Disregard any thoughts that come up about how other people (like your family and friends) may react to this. that should not weigh in your decision at ALL. You may surprise yourself on how you feel about it. Then again, you might not.

If you decide to move on from this relationship, don’t give yourself a hard time. A lot of guys would. Explain to her the truth without criticism and after the break up, wish her well on her journey of self discovery. If you decide to be with her, then fine. Just don’t throw it up in her (or his) face later. Accept it or don’t – there’s not really a grey area here.

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Is it OK to explore my sexuality – like being bisexual? Or does that make me gay?? What should I do?

Right Vs. Wrong

To answer the question – is it wrong to be bisexual or is it wrong to experiment with your sexuality – you must first decide what “right” and “wrong” really are. Technically, outside of religious context or outside of your own moral constitutes, there is no right or wrong anything when it comes to sex. Since the dawn of time, humans have done everything that is sexual, because essentially, humans are sexual beings. Only in more recent decades have society and religions began to dictate what we should or shouldn’t do sexually. So answer this question for yourself – what does my religion say about being bisexual or exploring my sexuality? What do my own personal morals say about it? If your own beliefs allow you to explore sex with different people, feel free to experiment sexually.

Sexual Orientation

If you’re experimenting with your sexuality and are having sex with people of your same sex as well as people of the opposite sex, you may be wondering if you’re technically bisexual or even gay. Exploring your sexuality, however, doesn’t require the use of a label at all. Most people experiment sexually at a young age, including in their late teens and early twenties. Most people have settled down in their sexuality at about 26 or so years old. So if you’re younger than that, don’t stress too much about what your sexual orientation is – it doesn’t have to be anything right now! If you truly feel that you might be one sexual orientation or another, think about which gender you think about when you have sex or even masturbate. Regardless of who you go to bed with physically, if you’re always thinking about one gender or another while having sex, you’re likely sexually inclined towards that particular gender. If it’s an even mix, you might not be ready to settle down yet.

Being Safe

If you’re exploring your sexuality, it’s important that you be safe and informed. Regardless of which gender you’re having sex with, you can still transmit sexually transmitted diseases and infections, as well as become pregnant or get another woman pregnant in some instances. Take the time to educate yourself about sex with both genders so you know what activities can transmit STD’s and how you can protect yourself. Many people think about having safer sex when they’re having sex with the opposite gender, but often sex with the same gender gets overlooked when it comes to protecting yourself. Don’t risk it – get in the know about STD’s and pregnancy no matter what gender you are and no matter which gender you prefer to have sex with. You’re worth it!

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One Clients’ Journey

I have to say, my clients are pretty darn special and the most amazing people I have had the honor of coaching. I’ve been working with a particular client for a little over 5 months now and we’re at the point where our interactions just flow back and forth, like the ebb and flow of the tide. The co-creative relationship is so precious.

Why this particular client?

In the middle of our last session, he arrived at the awareness that his ideal partner is essentially himself and our work together has been about him building a meaningful relationship with the love of his life; again himself. This was a profound awakening for him and not to mention, something really cool for me to witness. Now, I know many gay men stomp their foot down, egos is hand, claiming they do not want a carbon copy of themselves. What I mean is, how you see yourself in the world and how you are being in the world, is how you will know when Mr. Wonderful is right in front of you. The important qualities you see in yourself are the one you’ll recognize in him.

His current homework assignment was to report to me each night via email how he sees himself completely during his day. This is his first email: “I see myself completely and realize that I don’t always ask for what I need, I say I’m ok when really deep down I’m not. I see myself completely when I realize that being vulnerable, telling someone exactly what I need, is hard for me to do.”

You see, he is beginning to recognize when he isn’t being true to himself. Sometimes our needs slip away, but to recognize and acknowledge it, is a very powerful thing. Just like when it comes to your own love life. Are you tending to your own dating needs? Are you seeking out guys who meet your requirements and values? If you’re not, chances are you’re needs need tending to. Are you pretty lost when it comes to knowing what your requirements are for a relationships? Is it hard to lead from your core values?

Your Relationship Success Assignment

For the next five days, take time at the end of your day to sit down and reflect where you see yourself completely. Where were you being true to yourself? Where were you inviting presence into a certain situation? As soon as you can get clear on how you see yourself, you will get clearer on who you are at the core, what the ideal partner and relationship looks like and you’ll soon start uncovering the road that will get you there.

YOU are a truly unique person with unique needs AND the power to make it happen, because only YOU can make it happen!

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As single gay men, we’ve had to endure some pretty heavy stuff in our lives and for the most part, it was stuff pretty much out of our control. We’ve had to work through coming out to friends and family. Some have even had to endure the pain of their parent’s being unreceptive, and how about the gay men who are secret at work because they are in fear of losing their jobs?

Think about this: How can you be present while carrying around so much baggage?

A very special spiritual teacher, who I hold a great deal of respect for, Eckhart Tolle said that, “The only thing that can free you from the past (or future) is “Presence”. I added the future part. : ) How often does the past hold you in its grasp? Do you often dream of a better life? Do you fantasize about the perfect relationship, but believe it will never happen? There is absolutely no way you can enjoy the gifts, the freedom, and the joy of pure love, if you are constantly bringing the past instead of bringing presence.

It’s Time To Bring It!

What I mean by being present, is not allowing the past or the future to take over and dictate your life decisions. You know what I’m talking about; when our buttons get pushed; when we show up for a first date; when there is conflict with your partner; communicating when your needs aren’t being met or when your boss gives you feedback and you take it so personally it paralyzes you.

Your Relationship Success Assignment:

So, what do you do when you feel like you’re slipping into the past or rushing off to the future? Well, I have good news? There is a way where you can calm your heart, settle your stomach and ease into emotional freedom AND get clear on what kind of relationship you want. So let me help you out here by sharing three SIMPLE SECRETS to staying in the moment so you wont miss Mr. Wonderful.

Relationship Success Secret #1

If you are dead serious about ending the cycle of repeating same poor choices over and over, then you’ll make it your practice to be vigilant, self-observant, and welcome the moment. Like most things in life when it comes to mastering something, it takes practice and discipline. Also it takes willingness to keep trying.

Why not go the extra mile by setting up a reminder on your computer calendar? Allow yourself 15 minutes of stillness each day to remember “Presence”. Also, having a presence buddy will make this 100% easier. It kicks things up a notch when you have an accountability partner.

Believe me, you will NEVER look at dating and relationships the same way.

Relationship Success Secret #2

Say YES to whatever is happening NOW (Bad or Good). Allow for whatever is happening to happen, without judgment. ex. You’re watching the daily news (not something that I do) and a story comes up that is very disturbing or violent. Instead of tripping over furniture for the clicker or cursing yourself for watching it, allow yourself to watch the section without judgment while saying gently to yourself, “I allow this to pass through me.”

What many of us do when it comes to bad dating and relationships and family history is, we tend to block them out as if the experiences never happened. This is a VITAL mistake and only leads to strong resentments and repeating patterns.

Relationship Success Secret #3

Know that life isn’t perfect; hopefully sooner, rather than later, you WILL sense spaciousness around whatever happens in your life. Everything will seem to balance out and when conflicts do arise, you will know how to approach them and let them go.

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However, once you’ve accepted yourself, there comes a time that you want your friends and family to accept you as well. Should you tell your parents that you’re gay?

Unfortunately, it’s not necessarily and easy “yes” or “no” answer.

I’m gay! Should I tell my parents? If so, how? When?

Take A Look At Your Family’s Background

Were you raised in a very strict, religious family? Were your parents raised in a very strict, religious family? What kind of values does your family hold? Take a look at other things that society has accepted and really look at how your family has reacted to that.

Do you have parents or grandparents that are still prejudiced against races other than their own? Do any of your family members still hold outdated beliefs about women and their place in society?

Do you have any friends that are gay or do your parents come into contact with gay people in their daily lives? How do they react to these people?

Really examine your family and feel out how they’ve judged similar situations that have caused society to change its beliefs as a whole. Have your parents changed with the times or do they still hold old fashioned beliefs? Do they hold strict religious beliefs?

Taking a hard look at how they’ve judged similar situations will help you determine whether or not its best to tell you’re parents that you’re gay at this time in your life.

When To Tell

Telling your parents that you’re gay might not be best when you’re young.

Your parents may react very strongly to the news, whether they’ve suspected it or not, and you need to make sure you have a solid support system of friends, a home, a job and anything else you might need to get you through a tough time should your parents decide this is not news they’re willing to accept.

It can be incredibly painful when parents decide they’re not ready to accept a child being gay, and its important that you take steps to make sure you’ll be okay should that happen. Waiting until you’re older may be a wise decision.

Other Things To Consider

It’s also important to take into account how you feel about the situation. Is it very important that you tell your parents how you feel about your sexual orientation? If telling your parents is a very big deal to you, it may be worth it to go ahead and tell them regardless of how they might react to the news.

Remember that if your family members should decide that they’re not able to accept the fact that you’re gay right now, they most likely will warm up to it in the future. They may never be in favor of you being gay, but they will most likely come to a point where they accept you for who you are because they love you.

Keep in mind that your parents raised you. They may already suspect that you’re gay whether you’ve said anything or not.

If they’ve been asking whether you’re gay or not, it may mean that they are already suspicious of it or that they’re ready to know. Take some time to decide if telling them is the right thing for you, and if you decide not to tell them now, you can certainly do it later when the timing feels right to you.

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Less mentioned, however, is the threesome where there is one woman and two men. What causes a two man-one woman threesome to be much more taboo?

So what’s wrong with an MMF Threesome – one girl and two guys?

The Human Condition

It’s natural for humans to be curious about sex in a variety of different forms. Whether it’s oral sex, anal sex or even sex with someone of the same gender, these are all things that pique the curiosity and interest of a human being.

Men, however, are socially raised to believe that it is not acceptable to be submissive in any way. They’re taught to be macho.

Also socially ingrained into men and all people actually, is that when two people come together, one must be submissive and the other dominant.

This is something that is seen with all mammals and it’s only natural for humans. Understanding why two men being together sexually is considered more taboo than two women being together sexually takes an understanding of the human condition.

If men are taught to never be submissive and when two people are together, one of them must be submissive, if two men are together one of them must become submissive.

Socially, this is unacceptable, yet this is something that is not projected on women. It seems perfectly natural and even erotic for two women to be together sexually and fuels a number of male fantasies.

Exploring Homosexuality

Every person has at least one fleeting thought about sex with someone of the same gender. It’s totally normal! However, because of the mindset that society has placed on people, men having even a fleeting homosexual thought is considered not normal.

Were a man to express this to someone, they would automatically assume that he is gay as opposed to assuming that he is human. Watching two women be together sexually allows a man to explore two people of the same gender being together sexually without being criticized in any way.

Perks of Same Sex Partners

Without having to worry about pregnancy in a sexual relationship, sex between two people of the same gender allows for more enjoyment and freedom.

Another factor that plays into the fact that men enjoy watching two women be together sexually is that women are traditionally more sensual. They tend to take sex and sexual pleasure slower, allowing a man to really watch and enjoy their pleasure.

A threesome with two men and one woman is perfectly normal and actually happens more than one would think. It’s normal and healthy for a person to want to explore all avenues and aspects of sexuality, whether that’s through masturbation, traditional heterosexual intercourse, oral sex, anal sex or sex with someone of your own gender.

It helps, however, to have an understanding of the societal pressures that make some sexual activities more or less taboo than another, so you can begin to understand that most sexual desires, thoughts and actions are normal and are simply part of the human condition.

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