Ask Dan and Jennifer » ice breaker

Leaving the Friend Zone – How to Actually Ask Her Out On a Date (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 13:00:29 +0000

At some point you’re going to have to make your move and depart the friend zone. Now, this may not be in the first minute or two, and maybe not even the first time you talk to her. The key here again is self confidence. You’ll also need a little patience.

Take your time and feel it out first. Don’t make her choose until you know she’s comfortable enough with you to give you a chance and you’re comfortable enough to take the chance.

Watch this short video to find out how to move out of the ‘Friend Zone’ and on to the next level.

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Then, be sure to tell us your thoughts - leave a comment below.

Is Shyness Keeping You From the Girl of Your Dreams?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 16:37:10 +0000

The Question:

There is this girl at my church that I think might like me. Every time I get a chance to say something to her I don’t because I’m really shy. What can I say or do to break the ice?

The Answer:

The challenge here is that you really like her and really want her to like you. And that’s the problem. That wanting translates into fear – fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being alone.

STOP! Let’s go through this together so you will be able to approach her with ease the next time you see her.

She’s a regular person, just like you

Don’t put her on a pedestal just because you like her. This is one of the biggest mistakes men make with women, which is why they strike out so often.

Remember, she’s a regular person, just like you. So, treat her that way. Be nice, friendly, and most of all, confident in yourself. You wouldn’t be shy talking to one of your guy friends or a girl that you have no interest in, right?

So treat her like that – just one of your friends.

Men and women aren’t nearly as different as we all like to believe. At the end of the day we’re all people with needs, feelings, hopes, dreams, etc. We all need friends, companionship, and so on.

How can you tell if she likes you?

When you talk with her, notice how you feel. Do you feel like you WANT her to like you, or do you feel that she DOES like you? Is there a strong surge of energy, a magical spark between the two of you? Down deep, you’ll know if she really likes you.

You can feel it. Trust your gut.

Warning. Many guys make a big deal about asking a girl if she likes them. Don’t ever do that. You’ll put her on the spot and she’ll have to choose without getting to know you first. It’s like deciding if you want to buy a car without ever sitting in it.

The key here is confidence and belief in you. Listen for what’s in your heart, not for what you want to be there. If you’re too nervous to even talk without stuttering, then you won’t be able to read your gut feelings. So it’s very important to get a grip on yourself and just relax.

What if she turns you down?…

First Date Question – How Can I Avoid the Conversation Dead Zone and Keep From Striking Out?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 09 Aug 2006 11:56:00 +0000

The Question

"I get stuck trying to start the conversation. Absolute silence drives me crazy. The ice breaker that I say usually ends up being something really stupid." – Anonymous

The Honest Answer

We’ve all been there before – that awkward silence that occurs when you’ve just met someone and have no idea what to say…

Just picture this in your mind… You’ve just met someone new and you’re a little unsure what to say to make a good first impression. Maybe you’re a little shy and a lot nervous! Maybe you’re just tired from a long day at the office. Regardless, you’re completely stuck and cannot think of a single intelligent thing to say. To make matters worse, your date isn’t saying anything either.

It’s the "FIRST DATE DEAD ZONE!" – Help! Someone say something… anything… Quick!

Is your fax machine more articulate that you?

No, your fax machine simply has an established protocol for first dates. Think back to the last time you faxed a document to someone. Your fax machine makes a connection to the other fax machine, and then you hear all kinds of gibberish before the document starts going through.

Did you ever wonder what that’s all about?

Well, the two fax machines are basically saying hello and setting the tone of the conversation, how fast they’re going to talk, what language they are going to use, and how long they’re going to chat.

It’s very similar to those first few minutes with your date.

You’re getting to know a brand new person
You’re getting used to their speech patterns and body language
You’re figuring out their sense of humor (which can in and of itself change the tone of the conversation completely)
You’re trying to determine their intentions. Are they really friendly? Can you trust them? Do the mean you any harm?
Do you really, really like them?

You simply need to implement your own personal first date protocol.

It’s important to remember that WHAT is said during those first few minutes doesn’t really matter. What is important is to establish that initial, friendly connection with the other person.

Here are some communication 101 tips for getting started on the right foot.

Be friendly and genuinely nice
Show concern for the other person’s feelings
Truly listen to them – look them in the eyes (I know that’s a tough one but you can do it.)

That’s great, but what do I say? Is there a canned ice breaker for every occasion?

Not exactly, but there’s always something you can say to alleviate the awkward silence.

These ideas should work in most first date situations.

Ask about their day… How was it?
Ask about their work… What do they do? How do they like it?
Inquire about pets and children. How many? Names? Ages?
Do they have anything that they like to do when they’re not working? Hobbies? Sports? Etc.

I know these sound rather generic, but the idea behind these simple questions is to find something that you both enjoy and feel comfortable talking about. Hopefully, you will find some things that you have in common.

However, it is important to not get too personal too fast . Show interest, and ask further probing questions, but don’t be too intrusive. You don’t want to scare the other person off.

So why do we freeze up on the first date?

In most cases, that uncomfortable silence (which can often cause panic for some), is based on fear. Yes, fear…

Fear that you’ll say something really stupid
Fear that you’ll have nothing in common
Fear that the other person won’t like you
Fear of being put on the spot to perform

How do you overcome YOUR fear?

Although there isn’t a magic formula that will save you every time, there is a solution to your problem. Take a little time before your date to come up with a few simple and general questions that you can ask or compliments that you might be able to make. Write them down on a piece of paper. Keep the piece of paper in your wallet or purse. You don’t necessarily have to look at it – just having it with you and knowing that it’s there will help you remember.

If you get really stuck, excuse yourself to the restroom and look at your cheat sheet. When you return, you will surely impress your date with your thoughtful and caring questions.

Stay tuned, more soon…

We encourage our readers to send us their most pressing online dating and relationship questions. If you haven’t told us your biggest dating question yet, you’ll want to go to AskDanAndJennifer.com and do it now before you forget.

For some fun and really unique date ideas, check out our review of Michael Webb’s excellent book 300 Creative Dates.