Dear Dan and Jennifer,

 

My relationship is like a car going 200 MPH backwards! Her mother is taking over our relationship to the point where I work late just so that I don’t have to go home… Nothing I say or do seems to matter. When it comes to sex, I’m not even going to go there… The only reason I stay is for my daughter. What’s the best way to handle this mess and get my sanity back?

 

–Jason, Wisconsin

Click here to view the embedded video.

When The In-Laws Start Stepping In

Whether your in-laws have been in the picture the whole time or are just now starting to come around, your relationship with your partner can seriously suffer if your in-laws start taking over your life. Whether they’re constantly at your house with their grandchildren, or insisting you and your partner do things their way, having an in-law that is too close for comfort is never a healthy or happy situation to be in. What do you do?

Evaluating Your Reactions

The first thing you need to do is sit down and really think about how you feel about the situation. Write it down if you have to, but you can’t confront it if you don’t know exactly what is triggering your feelings of discomfort. Are you working long hours just to get away from your in-laws? Is there something in particular that they do that bothers you, or are they simply too involved in you and your partner’s life? If it’s overwhelming you and you’re unable to have a good relationship with your partner because of your in-laws’ involvement in your life, it’s time to really dig deep and evaluate why you’re upset and exactly what you’d like to see change.

Confronting The Situation

When you get ready to confront the situation, don’t do so without your partner by your side. This isn’t just “your” problem – it’s your partner’s problem too. Your in-laws’ involvement in your life is affecting your relationship with your partner, as well as your entire family. You need to address this situation as a “we.” Talk to your partner openly and honestly about how you feel about the situation and avoid being condescending, negative or petty. You certainly don’t want to make this an ultimatum or not – it’s not about your partner having to “choose” you over your in-laws or vice versa.

Once you’ve spoken to your partner about your feelings and you’re ready to confront the situation with your in laws’ as a couple, sit down and have an honest heart to heart talk. Again, avoid being negative or petty, as this can cause more harm than good. The idea is to just get your feelings out there and let your in-laws know that they’re overstepping their boundaries. Suggest that they watch their grandchildren for a weekend while you and your partner get away, or something similarly constructive. Plan family dinners together and stick to those plans – stay away from unannounced visits and so on. If your in-laws just don’t want to step out? Talk to your partner and consider moving. It doesn’t have to be far, but a little bit of physical space in between your family and your in-laws might be exactly what you need to get through to them.

Related articles:

1. Could Your Need for Control be Ruining Your Relationship?
2. Long Distance Relationship – What Do I Do? (Video)
3. A Mama’s Boy, His Mother, And His Lover
4. Why Won’t He Tell His Family About Our Relationship? (Video)
5. Why So Many People Marry Someone JUST Like Their Mother (or Father)

For some of us the complications in our families of origin are far more intricate and obvious than for others. For those lucky others, things are pretty peachy without too many old skeletal bones rattling in the closet. Regardless, we all deal with our own situations differently.

What if your partner has a decidedly more difficult family than your own?

What if, by default, you’re expected to engage with people who leave a sour taste in your mouth and for whom conflict is as much a part of their daily lives as your sleepy morning shuffle to the coffee pot is for you?

Many Couple’s Seek Counseling Because of "In-Law Issues" 

One of the things couples seeking counseling often struggle with is just this – difficulty and frustration around navigating through the subculture of their partner’s family.

I call it a "subculture" because families operate with their own roles, rules, expectations and homeostasis. Many of us can relate to the feeling of nervous anticipation prior to a family gathering with another’s high-tension family. It can feel a little like walking on a tightrope to get to the other side – or into the car in which to make your getaway!

In this article, I will not go down the road of the decision-making around whether or not you should engage with your partner’s family. I will continue with the assumption that the decision has been made that you feel it’s necessary to learn to deal with the family in question.

Also, "difficult" will here be defined as common issues addressed in couples counseling where partners’ families are concerned, such as frequent arguments, acceptance by family, jealousy, alcohol use/abuse, etc. I am not including extremely serious issues like physical, sexual and emotional abuse as the presence of these concerns have far more implications than I’m addressing here.

Walking into the subculture of the other family requires a combination of skills, some "partner" centered and some "you" centered. Here are six tips to help survive your difficult partner’s family.

6 Steps To Help You Deal with Your Partner’s Difficult Family 

1) Use Active Listening Skills

This is the first step in good communication in any situation but is particularly helpful in a potentially problematic exchange. Listen carefully to what the other has said then carefully reflect back, to assure that you heard them right and they feel understood.

If you have something to say that might illicit defensiveness by the other, begin your statement with “I feel” followed by an emotion, preferably one that will have a disarming effect.

For example, “I feel sad when I try to make conversation with you and it appears you’re ignoring me.” You can’t control what the other’s response will be but you can decrease the chance of escalation.

The idea is to listen, reflect, validate and empathize with the other.

In an ideal world…

…

Related articles:

1. Weathering the Storm – How to Survive Stressful Times Together
2. Grief Can Affect Your Relationship In Surprising Ways
3. Will You Be a Victim This Break-Up Season?
4. Is There Life After Cheating? Can You Survive An Affair? (Video)
5. Seven Easy Ways to Ignite the Spark in Your Relationship!