Ask Dan and Jennifer » intimacy

Relationship Wisdom From The Most Popular Sex Advice Book

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 21:00:11 +0000

When I was seventeen, the United States was experiencing its least amount of sexual innocence in its history. That was in 1977. The pendulum swing away from sexual innocence and naiveté is still swinging wide.

Back then I had questions about sex and sexuality that my mother appreciated but did not really want to answer! She suggested I read the book Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask. She said she would buy it for me. Ever the independent individual, I chose to buy it for myself. Man! I consumed that book faster than any other book I’d ever read. It really did answer the questions I could not get answered any other way without going blindly along creating experiences for myself that may or may not have been in my best interest. I got to come into my own sexuality, armed with information that helped me make good choices for myself.

Good Relationship Advice From A Sex Book?

Not too long ago, I heard someone belittle Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid To Ask. I disagree with that. Obviously, no matter how sexually free we think we are, we still have questions about sex that we are afraid to ask. If that were not true, AskDanandJennifer.com wouldn’t exist!

I will share with you the one thing the critics pulled out of the book and made fun of because it is rather humorous. It also suggests something about loving another person at either the beginning of or well inside a relationship with him or her that is deeper than the superficial advice the author gives.

Toward the end of the book, he has suggestions for reeling in the man of your dreams. One suggestion is that the way to subliminally suggest to a man that you are the woman for him is to fix him a home cooked meal and with it serve either milk or beer. The milk (or beer) will remind him of mother’s milk and create a sense of bonding from him to you. As I write this I am laughing, even though thirty-one years ago I latched onto it as if it were a golden nugget of advice!

And now, as an expert on the romantic challenges of mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, I would never suggest to anyone that you remind the person you are attracted to of mother’s milk as a means to his or her heart. However, I do like what the advice implies, even if I’m stretching a wee bit here.

Creating Co-Dependence Or True Love?

When you are dating, first in love, or in a solid relationship, make a habit of making “it” be about the other person instead of yourself. Whatever “it” may be: a meal, the conversation, the movie choice, the favorite series on TV choice, whose family to spend or not spend the holiday with, how to roll up the toothpaste tube, etc. Making everything about the other person isn’t wise. That creates co-dependence even in the most diligent person if he or she is on the receiving end of that much selflessness.

Sometimes, though, it is just so great to be in love and have the feeling and commitment (or potential commitment) returned that we feel like we have come home to the one person who loves everything about us. Who will listen forever and give us good strokes and lift us up when we’re down! And if you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, there are still those moments when you say something so profound and find it appreciated so greatly that you’re thrown right back into that space of, “I am loved! It’s all about me! He/she thinks I’m precious! Wah-hooooo!”

What Really Makes A Difference

Ideally, feeling that completely loved is a true experience. However, that level of interest doesn’t last. And that’s OK. There is intimacy, vulnerability, and deep love in the experience of give and take. Turning your attention off yourself and giving the spotlight to him or her renews the love and passion in your relationships. And if you are just beginning to date or newly in love, it sends a big message as to the kind of life time mate you have the potential to be for him or her.

I don’t know if giving a man a glass of milk or a beer makes a difference in his psyche, causing you to stand out from the rest of the women in his life. But being genuinely interested and invested in him can make a difference. With whatever manipulative technique folks are sharing with men for how to snare a woman, it may or may not work. But being genuinely interested and invested in her can make a difference.

Sex: The Ultimate Stress-Buster

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:13:40 +0000

What’s free, fun, and the ultimate way to beat stress? Sex of course! This is especially good news in a downward spiraling economy where people find themselves under more pressure, and often with less money. Sex is a great way to break through a stressful run and – perhaps best of all – it’s free.

It’s all about the endorphins. Even a 20 second kiss or hug raises your endorphin levels, and re-affirming your connection with your loved one is a guaranteed tension reducer. But why stop there? Having sex releases more calming hormones than any other type of pre-cursor (i.e., a kiss or hug).

It’s A Human Need

Everyone has a bio-chemical craving for connection, a theory I developed and talk about in Financial Infidelity. We’re all – to a certain extent – driven by the need for that dopamine high we get when we engage in pleasurable – and sometimes risky – behavior. In relation to fidelity, this is what can lead to spending money behind a partner’s back, or conducting an illicit affair. But the good news is you don’t have to seek out these risky behaviors in order to find that high.

Sex with your partner is another, much less risky way to fulfill your need for connection and get the high you’re looking for. Because your actions leading up to sex release endorphins, and the act of sex itself facilitates calming hormones, you’ll end up feeling much better. Sure, the more stressed out you are, the busier you are, and the less likely you are to focus a great amount of energy and thought into the necessity of sex. But I would argue that in stressful, unstable times, sex IS a necessity, as it does much more than simply work to our advantage scientifically.

Why Sex Is So Important In A Relationship

You probably don’t need me telling you all the psychological and financial benefits of having sex. Of course it’s also an important, crucial way to connect and unwind with your partner. During stressful times it can be hard to squeeze in even something enjoyable like sex. Stress typically doesn’t do a lot to put someone “in the mood,” but that’s why it’s even more important to make time for it. Sex is an integral part of a relationship and aside from the proven mental and physical benefits, it’s emotionally beneficial as well. Staying close and connected to someone important in your life during times of great stress is a must. It helps you stay grounded, and re-establishes important relational bonds.

The importance of sex – both emotionally and psychologically – is something we should bear in mind regardless of the economic climate. Connecting with our partners is crucial to a healthy relationship as well as a healthy mind and body. And considering sex is enjoyable, it’s something good you can do for yourself that should be relatively easy.

What is Sex Honesty to Me?

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 01:00:09 +0000

When Dan asked me to be a part of their new site, I began to think about what sex honesty means to me, and how I think it can help so many people out there. My first thought was, “you can’t have safe sex without honesty, and you can’t have honesty without safe sex.” Let me break that down.

What Exactly Is Safe Sex?

Safe sex doesn’t just have to mean protected sex with a condom or some sort of birth control – although that’s crucially important as well, in most cases! Safe sex should also mean intimacy with your partner, trust in your partner and in your relationship, and commitment to each other. You can’t have all these things – what I would deem as the broader definition of “safe sex” – without having honesty in a relationship. If you don’t know that your significant other is going to be honest with you, how can you trust them? How can you have true intimacy? How can you really commit to a person or a relationship if you’re not even sure what that relationship encompasses, or who that person is. Therefore, you can’t have safe sex without honesty.

In a sexual relationship, the converse is also true: you can’t have honesty without safe sex. Using the broader definition of safe sex – one that encompasses intimacy, trust and commitment – you’ll find that all these components must be present in order for honesty to factor into the equation. If you remove one of them, it becomes much harder to be honest. Sex honesty is an inter-connected idea, a cycle that must be maintained by both people in order to have a healthy relationship. Since you can’t have safe sex without honesty, and you can’t have honesty without safe sex, a couple has to work on making sure that both honesty and the components of safe sex are present in their relationship. That doesn’t mean that everything is going to be in perfect balance all the time, but learning to identify the deficits that may arise in these areas can go a long way towards insuring a healthier, “safer” sex life, and a more fulfilling, honest relationship.

Having Sex - More Than What Meets The Eye

This is also why I think having sex with someone should be more than a spontaneous decisions. It’s hard to be honest with someone you don’t know very well and therefore it’s difficult to have a truly honest, sexual relationship with that person. This, I believe, is often why casual sex doesn’t work out to the benefit of both people involved. Sex should be something that’s arrived at through intimacy, trust, commitment and honesty. By skipping those steps, you’re selling yourself and your relationship short.

Additionally, honesty in a relationship means fidelity – sexually, financially, and emotionally. I talk about putting relationships back together in my books “Adultery, the Forgivable Sin,” and Can we Cure and Forgive Adultery?” and highlight the idea that monogamy is a conscience decision. Fidelity – in its various forms – is a decision you make to stay honest in your relationship. Fidelity, honesty, sex, and finances are all inter-connected. In a healthy relationship this can be a great thing!

So, to make a short story long, I would answer that sex honesty to me is the culmination of intimacy, trust and commitment – all which ideally lead to fidelity and fulfillment in a relationship!

Do You Have Both Feet in Your Relationship?

Wendy Strgar — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:49:29 +0000

Although I don’t remember the exact day that I pulled the one foot that I had out the door back into my marriage, today, celebrating 24 years of marriage, I can’t remember the last time that it occurred to me that I would ever leave.

It seems like I should remember when that change took place as it so profoundly changed the very fabric of what we were doing together, but like most things in life that are daily, we don’t see them as they are happening. They are clear as we look back.

The Not So Fairy Tale Marriage

We never had a fairy tale marriage, and in fact anyone who claims to have one is probably either not really present or honest. Our love for each other was uneven and the common issues of attraction and initiation- who wanted who, first and more, plagued our ability to connect for years.

The classic, “I am not in the mood” or “I am tired” responses create a cycle of defensive and offensive reactions that is almost like a pre-patterned dance. It’s a scenario that many couples just don’t have enough language to find their way out of.

In hindsight, I know now, that there is no winning side to that argument, but whichever side is your familiar view can color your lens so completely that the other side seems like a holiday. The shame of rejection is really no better than the guilt of turning away.

The pain is equal. I have read that the rejecting partner is the more powerful of the two, but having been on both sides, I don’t think its true- both sides make you unable to connect and leave you feeling equally powerless in having the relationship that you really want.

Choosing The Relationship

Two things transpired in my marriage to lift this issue and allow us to experience sexual desire with out the burden of fear and unmet longing. The first one was choosing my relationship without reservation. Being in my marriage with both feet in the door,

I had a lot more balance and flexibility that gave me more room and ease in dealing with the issues that kept me distant and disconnected. When I gave myself permission to truly stay, to not be looking for the reasons to leave, it changed my relationship to both the issues and my husband.

Finding True Forgiveness

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How To Give A Terrific Breast Massage

Maya Silverman — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 17:00:04 +0000

The eternal fascination for most men, and indeed many women, the breasts, can be an incredibly neglected and forgotten area in the realm of Tantric pleasure and touch.

Think about it. If you’re a man reading this, how much time do you lavish on her breasts?

Do You Have Tunnel Vision With Women’s Breasts?

The ‘Tunnel Vision’ approach assumes that a woman’s breasts are always ripe and ready for a bit of manual molding. Nothing could be further from the truth. The breasts and its many parts are very sensitive, and only a lover with a slow hand can truly appreciate them in full majestic glory.

Structurally they are made up of fibrous connective tissue and a layer of fat tissue. They are rich in blood and lymph vessels, hence the importance of massage in maintaining good circulatory flow of blood, lymph (tissue fluid) and sexual energy.

Perhaps more importantly the breasts are symbolic of a woman’s emotional center, healing and nurturing. By neglecting these lovelies, you fail to acknowledge an incredibly important part of the feminine mystique.

The Kama Sutra On Foreplay And Breast Plat

The Kama Sutra refers to the importance of foreplay and breast play:

“Ardent young men, do not neglect the preliminaries! Endeavor to satisfy your mistress. Listen to her desires. Some men, carried away by the power of their desire, forget the prelude, only to be surprised when they are pushed away later! Yet it is such a delight to kiss, to caress, to nibble one another…

To explore with your hand or your mouth her body, her breasts, her neck, her belly, down to her innermost curves. Fulfilled, the beloved shall return these kisses and caresses wholeheartedly. No part of the beloved’s body should be neglected. Her lover shall make it his duty to discover them, to reveal to his mistress all the pleasure she can receive from them.”

Tantric breast massage is an incredible gift with which to lavish unbridled attention on your lover. Pleasure, better circulation, toning, and nurturing are all aspects of the massage.

The Kama Sutra mentions key areas on the female body sensitive to kissing:

neck
forehead
cheeks
eyes
breasts
lips
palate inside the mouth (not sure how this works!)

Prepare Your Sensual Environment

Prepare your sensual environment with soothing music, dimmed lighting, perfumed candles and make sure the room is warm and visually inviting. Introduce items of spiritual or personal significance such as flowers, favorite nibbles, a photo – whatever works for you and your lover.

Begin by covering your lover with a sheet or towel so that she does not get cold. Rest one hand on her heart and the other on her yoni and visualize warm heart energy moving from your heart into your hands and down towards your lover’s heart and yoni. This is a very relaxing, healing, connecting and balancing visualization to use before launching into the breast massage.

Beginning the Breast Massage

Love, Sex, and Dating 2008 – The Best of Dan and Jennifer

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:55:32 +0000

Just in case you missed any of the excitement this year, here’s a wrap of 2008!

I’m including our best, most talked about, and most controversial love, sex, and dating topics of the year.

Enjoy!

Love & Relationships

Sex & Intimacy

Singles & Dating

Men Are from Way Farther Away Than Mars!

Maia Berens — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:06:13 +0000

Many of you probably have read the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and many of the rest you have heard things about it if you haven’t read it. Well, I didn’t write it.

But I worked with John Gray for 18 years, wrote workshops and a training based on the Mars Venus stuff and trained over 500 speakers and therapists on how to give those workshops. So I should know about men, right? Well, I know some things about men.

In order to feel loved in a relationship, men need to be trusted. Men need to be accepted the way they are. They don’t want you to try to change them. Men want to be appreciated for what they do.

They also want to be admired, to be regarded by their partner with "wonder, delight and pleased approval". Men also need encouragement so that they become hopeful and courageous to go out and do what they do all over again even when it’s hard.

This is all vintage Mars Venus. You may not agree but the expert says so and the following are how I observe this to be true about the man I live with all these years:

Men Need to be Trusted

One of the most hurtful things I can do is not trust my husband. When he does his household disappearing act like leave, say nothing to me that he’s leaving or where he’s going, he is disturbed by my not trusting that if he were going some place for long or really away, he’d tell me.

After all, he just went to the car for twenty minutes. I shouldn’t be worried that he died somewhere or was captured by other Martians.

Men Need to be Accepted the Way They Are

Now I’m a woman and if my husband tells me lovingly that when we are with other people, I sometimes (or often) interrupt him or finish his sentences and we could have a signal so I know when I’m doing it, that’s cool. I don’t mind. He’s right. I don’t want to be the person who does that.

But in his case, he’d rather I tell him how what he does affects me and trust that he’ll make his own improvements. He doesn’t want me to tell him what to do or how to do it.

Men Want to be Appreciated and Admired for What They Do

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I’m Leaving You! Does The Punishment Really Fit The Crime? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:04:40 +0000

If you’ve been in a relationship where you or your partner threaten to leave or end the relationship when you’re angry, you’re not alone. In reality, this is often something people do out of frustration and desperation.

You may not be planning to leave or end the relationship at all, even though you’re angry now.

What causes you to act so extreme?

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Feeling Out Of Control

It’s easy for someone to feel out of control in a situation like that. One partner gets upset, the other gets upset and it goes back and forth, escalating until one or both partners feel completely out of control.

Being extremely angry at your partner can make you feel lost and helpless, and an escalating argument doesn’t help the situation any at all. It simply gets to a point where you feel so out of control of the situation that you want to say something, anything, to gain some control again over what is happening.

Threatening to leave or end the relationship puts you back in control and puts the ball back in your court. Your partner may say, "Fine, leave," however this simply puts you back in the position of feeling out of control.

Arguments between couples often go on and on like this, until one or both partners get enough time and space to resolve the original argument. It might be difficult at that point, however, to even remember what the original argument was about!

Where Does It Come From

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Why Have I Lost All Interest In Having Sex? (Video)

Melody Brooke — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 21:11:38 +0000

Losing interest in sex when you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, and even if you haven’t, can be frustrating and even embarrassing. You want to experience your partner intimately and of course, your partner does too!

If you’ve lost interest in sex, how can you find out what is behind it? What can you and your partner do?

Why am I no longer interested in having sex with my husband?

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Physical Reasons

There are a multitude of reasons that a woman, or a man, can lose interest in having sex with their partner. The first issue to explore is if there’s a physical reason for this.

For example, if a woman’s testosterone level is low, she may lose interest in sexual activity. The first thing you’ll want to do if you’ve stopped finding sex enjoyable is to check with your doctor.

Emotional Reasons

Many women and men suffer physical, emotional and sexual abuse as children and even as adults. Even if these issues are past, they can affect how you feel about sex and intimacy in the here and now.

You might not even realize it! If you’ve suffered any kind of abuse and you think it’s possible that the emotional after effects of it could be affecting your relationship and your sex life, it’s time to bring in a professional.

Talk to a therapist or a counselor. They can definitely give you the tools you need to push past these emotional issues and get your sex life back on track.

Life Balance

In today’s busy world, it’s common for both men and women to get up at five or six in the morning to get the kids ready for school and go to work, and not hit the sack until it’s 11:00 or 12:00 at night. That’s quite a long day!

It’s really no surprise that by the time you and your partner crawl into bed after a hard, busy day that you would have no interest in sex. Work on your life balance and find ways to rest and relax so you can recharge your batteries.

Get a little more sleep and maybe give up an activity or two that isn’t necessary. Work together with your partner to make these changes so that you both have the energy to experience each other sexually.

Discord With Your Partner

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Why Don’t We Ever Make Love Anymore?

Dr. Margaret Paul — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 19:41:36 +0000

I cannot tell you how often couples complain to me that they rarely make love. These are generally people who love each other, who enjoy being together and often have fun with each other. Yet they don’t have sex. Why does this happen so often?

Sexual arousal, especially for most women, comes from emotional intimacy and connection. While many men can have sex purely from physical desire, many women need emotional intimacy and connection to feel physical desire. While many men might love it if their wife would suddenly start to fondle their penis, many women feel violated when their husband grabs their breasts, crotch, or butt.

Gender Differences About Touch

I often hear from the woman I work with, “I just feel groped and disgusted when my husband grabs my breasts. Why doesn’t that turn me on? Is there something wrong with me?”

Many women do not feel drawn to touch or be touched in a sexual way until the feeling of love is flowing between them and their partner. Yet women have been trained to believe that they should respond sexually in the same way men do, and often feel inadequate when they do not feel turned on by the things that turn on men.

Hazel and Daniel were struggling with this issue of lack of sexuality. Just before their counseling session with me, they had a fight because Daniel fondled Hazel’s breasts while she was dressing in the morning, and then got angry when she didn’t like it.

Hazel had often expressed to Daniel that what turned her on was the deep kissing that resulted from emotional intimacy. Yet, even though Daniel said he wanted to make love, he would not intimately kiss Hazel.

Why?

As we explored the issue, it became apparent that neither Hazel nor Daniel felt safe with intimacy. While they loved each other, their fears of rejection and engulfment made them feel unsafe with each other.

When Hazel got critical, Daniel took it personally, and was unable to set loving limits against being controlled by Hazel. He would get angry and withdrawn, which would trigger Hazel’s fears of rejection.

Both Hazel and Daniel were afraid that if they were emotionally intimate, they would give themselves up to avoid rejection. Keeping the emotional distance felt safer than risking losing themselves or losing the other if they did not give themselves up. Yet sexuality could not flow without the loving feelings that come from emotional intimacy.

Be Conscious Of Your Intent

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How To Achieve Emotional And Sexual Intimacy In Your Relationship

Nick Arrizza MD — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 11:15:05 +0000

To know and experience each other fully is the most effective way to keep the bonds of understanding, love and empathy alive and strong. This is the glue that keeps a relationship intact. Without it, it will eventually fall apart.

So what do I mean by emotional and/or sexual intimacy and how can one nurture such experiences?

Intimacy is not necessarily sex

Well, intimacy is often colloquially thought of as simply "having sex" by some. This is not what I mean here.

By intimacy I am referring to one’s ability to be open to one’s own inner feelings and then be able to share such experiences with one’s partner freely and without fear of any kind.

You see intimacy is about letting yourself be fully known to yourself and to your partner.

Unfortunately this is easier said than done for many individuals because most have been conditioned to suppress, hide, denigrate, or make unconscious much of one’s inner emotional life.

That is largely because the societal norms which continue to be perpetuated see feelings and emotions as dangerous, untrustworthy, illogical, painful, impulsive, etc.

Well, this is a sad state of affairs because emotions and feelings are what make you and me human beings.

What happens when we shut down

So by shutting down this part of one’s life experience one is essentially making one’s self less than a whole human being. That means that while in a relationship you are not fully present as your complete self.

Of course at some level your partner will eventually recognize this and feel like he/she is not fulfilled because he/she is not having a relationship with a whole human being.

It’s at times like this that individuals start feeling dissatisfied with their relationship and hence start looking elsewhere for happiness. No wonder so many relationships end for this reason.

The ability to nurture a bond of intimacy starts only when each individual starts to take personal responsibility for allowing their inner emotional life to emerge. First to themselves and then to their partner.

As I said earlier this self revelation can be a scary one for many because allowing this emotional life to emerge often means allowing unresolved emotional pain to come to the surface of one’s experience. This can make an individual feel inadequate, guilty, sad, depressed, anxious, angry, hurt, tired, etc.

The tendency might be to attempt to numb the emotional pain through drugs, alcohol, sex, work, and other distractions. Again this leads to individuals simply acting out a stale relationship with little depth and or awareness of self or other.

Sooner or later this will declare itself as unsatisfying and each partner will be on the look out for something else.

Nurturing intimacy

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Five Tips for Creating Soulful Intimacy In Your Relationship

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 15:35:16 +0000

There are times in life when we experience intimacy in natural, spontaneous ways. Consider love at first glance.

Someone who was a stranger is now in your life 24/7 and crazy about you! Suddenly, parts of your life that were private are now on display to the one you love but with whom love hasn’t been tested.

For instance, putting potato chips on your sandwich in front of him or her makes you feel awkward with the intimacy of the exposure of a funny, little detail of your life! The first time you get naked together makes you tingle all over from the vulnerability. Intimacy that is the result of love at first glance is easy.

It is when we have been in love for a while that we need to turn our attention once again to intimacy. We can create the kind of intimacy that will set our souls aflame! Following are five tips for creating soulful intimacy.

Speak and listen in a new way

Men and women communicate differently. Men like to get right to the point; therefore, they only have so much time and attention when it comes to listening. They want you to get to the point! Women, on the other hand, like to share nuances of insights and feelings when they communicate. Getting to the point for a woman might take several meandering twists and turns first.

One way to create soulful intimacy is to speak and listen in such a way that your partner feels seen and heard. When a woman gets right to the point, her man hears her in a completely new way, which is gratifying for both of them! When she listens with focused attention, he feels heard and appreciates this.

When he listens to her meandering thoughts and expressed feelings, she feels cherished. When he takes the risk to speak of his feelings, philosophy, and personal experience, she feels honored.

Without trying to morph into the opposite sex’s viewpoint, just every once in a while speak and listen the way he or she does. As simple as it sounds, doing so will make you feel you are taking one of those risks that makes you feel the kind of vulnerability that creates a fresh spurt of intimacy in the air between you.

Get imaginative with touch

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Afraid To Talk To Your Partner? Here’s a Step By Step Guide to Overcoming Your Fears…

Nick Arrizza MD — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 13:53:15 +0000

Certainly love means many things but one of the critical components is the ability to be courageous and indeed honest in your communications with your partner.

This is perhaps one of the most difficult of tasks because of the many fears that step in one’s way. It may not seem surprising that these fears are also those that eventually spell the demise of a relationship.

So what are some of these fears and how does one transcend them in order to establish a healthy and truly loving relationship?

Fears in Communication

First the fears; they include such things as:

I fear I will be rejected if I speak my truth to my partner.
I fear I will hurt my partner with my truth.
I fear I will feel guilty and be unable to forgive myself.
I fear I will have to justify my feelings or beliefs to my partner.
I fear my partner may get angry with me.

Clearly capitulating to such fears means suppressing your own truth. That is accompanied with feelings of frustration, dishonesty, needing to constantly be on guard that one’s truth is kept under control, and a decreasing degree of true intimacy.

It may also lead to feelings of becoming emotionally and sexually distant from one’s partner, possibly the sharing of such information with third parties in order to vent one’s frustrations, sexual affairs and so on.

The tendency for all of these is to undermine the relationship anyway.

So if you’re feeling caught between the proverbial “rock and the hard place” how does one find a way to nurture a truly healthy, loving and sustainable relationship? Well, to summon up the courage to be honest and truthful when the circumstances call for it!

Summoning Up the Courage to Communicate

Of course in order to do so one must transcend the catastrophic beliefs i.e. the potential for rejection, being hurtful, feeling guilty etc., that are fed by the fears that I have listed above.

Here is a powerful way to accomplish this.

Let’s take the first item above i.e. the fear of rejection as an example that you can walk through with me.

Overcoming Fear Step by Step

Now contemplate the following question: “What is the benefit to you of having the fear of rejection living inside you?” Initially one may say that it protects one from getting rejected,

If this is the case, then supposedly how would you feel knowing that you were being protected in this way? Well, you might say that you might be feeling safe, secure, calm, relaxed, confident and resilient to the reactions of others to whatever you might say.

So to summarize one could say that: The fear of rejection causes you to feel safe, secure, calm, relaxed, confident and resilient to the reactions of others to whatever you might say.

Is That Really Your Truth?

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The Power Of Pre-Sex: 1 Simple (But Powerful) Sex Trick Guaranteed To Make Her Crave Sex All Day Long

Lee Jenkins, author Female Orgasm Black Book — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 13:27:49 +0000

When it comes to having an orgasm, men are like microwave ovens, and women are like crock pots.

To make a meal in a microwave, all you need to do is buy a microwave dinner set, push a few buttons and you can get a complete meal in less than 3 minutes.

On the other hand, women are more like crock pots. You’ll need time to prepare and cook the food slowly. But in the end, the food will probably taste a lot better (and be healthier!) than what you can do in the microwave.

My point is: compared to men (and microwave ovens), women, just like cooking with a crock pot, need more preparation & cooking time to get the desired result. In other words, women generally need more foreplay in order to have an orgasm. Most people think in terms of physical foreplay as a prerequisite before having sex.

But let me tell you: the most powerful form of foreplay comes hours before any sort of physical contact. That foreplay is psychological foreplay.

What I’m about to teach you is a quick and easy way to plant of a seed of sexual desire in her mind. This pre-sex tip will get her hot and bothered, thinking of being with you throughout the day!

Before we jump into details, let me warn you: This tip works best if you’re already in an established relationship. If you’ve only started dating a girl, save this technique for later.

The Pre-Sex Text Message Technique

In the morning, while she’s at work, send her a text message. Here’s an example:

"Hi honey – I can’t stop thinking about making love with you later today".

I know it sounds cheesy, but believe me, it works!

TIP: If you write something more specific (and explicit), this could have a better effect.

The reason why this works is that this message will get her brain thinking of what you wrote throughout the day. It becomes a virus in her mind and every time she thinks about it, she’ll be excited. Even if she tells herself not to think about sex with you because she’s at work, it will backfire and think about it MORE.

You’ll be setting the mood ahead, and make her crazy with anticipation about what’s going to happen later on tonight.

She’ll realize that you are thinking of her, and showing your enthusiasm (in a polite way that is flattering) will only get her more excited. In fact, she could be having a bad day, but once she gets that text message, she’s going to think "someone is thinking of me, and they can’t wait to touch my body!"

If you do this right, what you wrote in the pre-sex text message will be the prevalent thought in her head throughout the rest of her day. She’ll be thinking of you and the how you want to please her in bed…and the fact that it will happen later on that night!

But don’t take my word for it. Try it out for yourself!

Now That She’s Psychologically Aroused, What Next?

Well, now that you’ve got her ready for a night of lovemaking, you don’t want to let her down by not being able to give her orgasms in bed. You want to keep your momentum going and make sure you have an arsenal of lovemaking techniques at your fingertips. Check out my free newsletter below and learn exclusive tips and techniques to give your girl orgasms.

Take just a minute to check out ‘The Female Orgasm Black Book’: “How To Give Her Mind Numbing, Leg Shaking Orgasms”

Is Your Life Too Busy for Sex? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 17:33:13 +0000

Unfortunately for most of us, there never seems to be enough time in the day to accomplish everything that needs to be done.

From the moment we wake up and groggily resist our primitive urge to smash the alarm clock against the wall, our bodies are set to "fast forward", speeding through our days in a blur of work, school, and parenthood.

Until finally, exhausted and numb, we climb back into bed and slump into a state of blissful oblivion – only to have it start all over again six hours later.

And in the midst of all these constant stressors is a little nagging voice in the back of our minds that tries to remind us how important it is to stay connected to those we love.

We skip the hug hello, don’t have time for that morning kiss goodbye, and before we know it our lovers are just another piece of our daily landscape. Always there, but never really noticed.

It’s no wonder that under these circumstances sex happens less and less frequently, even among "young" couples.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, my partner and I – both 28 years old, We’re both going to school for our Phd’s. With school, work and kids, she has two boys, 4 and 6. She has a lot on her plate. I’m taking this semester off and have been doing my best to keep as much stress as possible off of her.

My concern is the affection is not there. She still wants her hugs and kisses everyday but our sex life, well not as strong. Typing that just makes me feel like a bad boyfriend. But I still can’t help but want some affection or reciprocation back.

Could you please give me some advice that my brain and heart is missing or forgetting or maybe her too?

Thanks.

– Jared, Indiana

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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How to Find Intimacy in Your Busy Lives

For Starters, Don’t Blame Each Other

You’re both very busy and equally suffering from a lack of attention, so the worst thing either partner can do is to blame the other for your own negative feelings about the situation.

Everyone is entitled to their feelings, both good and bad, but with that entitlement comes responsibility. Your feelings are your own regardless of what your partner does or does not do.

Because of this, it’s important to approach your relationship problems by asking…

…

Gasp! Do People Actually Have Oral Sex? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 23:53:15 +0000

Everyone has their own sexual preferences, whether it’s plain old missionary position, lights off, oral sex, anal sex (gasp!), or any one of dozens of exotic sexual activities.

Of course, nobody thinks of what they like as a weird fetish. No, what they like is always "OK" and "mainstream". Then we hear about someone doing something just a little more weird, just a little different from what we’re comfortable with, and suddenly it’s a "kinky fetish".

Here’s a question from a man in Georgia, who’s absolutely shocked to have discovered that some people seem to actually enjoy oral sex. Is it blasphemy, or has he just been missing out?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Do people really perform oral sex? Seems disgusting to me. Is it rare, or do couples regularly do it? I never thought of such a thing until I got on the Internet. It was never discussed in my circle of friends.

– Harold, GA

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Do Regular People Actually Engage in Oral Sex?

Absolutely. There are people out there who enjoy every type of fetish and exotic sexual activity imaginable. From enjoying oral sex, to relishing anal sex, to threesomes and swinging, and other fetishes you’ve never even imagined….

Want More Sex? Here’s how…

Melody Brooke — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 20:23:58 +0000

Regardless of what you may think. Sex happens in the brain. Our ability to feel desire, the things that turn us on, the things that make us reach climax all happen in the brain. So, if you want more sex, it’s reasonable to assume you should know more about the brain. I’ll give you the primer version.

Our brains are hard wired to respond to perceived threat in ways that will preserve our ability to survive. These automatic reactions are called “Survival mechanisms”. Our brain fires off chemicals that provoke us into feelings of fear for our survival. Then we have biologically programmed ways to react to fear that aid us in surviving whatever it is that is threatening our survival. You don’t really have a choice about what you are feeling when you perceive yourself to be in a threatening situation. Your brain takes over. Our brains are very powerful in affecting how we feel and how we respond.

You see our brains have been programmed through biology and culture to respond in ways that will insure our survival in primitive situations. Your brain doesn’t really get it that if you perceive your job is being threatened you will not die. It really feels like you will. Your brain doesn’t know that if your husband/wife/partner is angry with you and you think they might leave you that you won’t die. Your brain doesn’t know that when a friend calls your character into question, that you won’t die. Your brain doesn’t discriminate between actual threat for your survival and emotional threat.

Our brains are divided into sections. As we evolved as a species we went from depending on simple functions to the very complex brain that we now have as human beings. Our reptilian ancestors brains comprised of three cleanly defined sections: the front part allows for smell, the middle for vision, and the rear allows us balance and coordination. And those basic survival instincts were cordoned off in a space between the smell and vision sections, a kind of command post with the scientific name of “diencephalon”. This part of the brain holds our drives for food, our "fight-or-flight" aggression reactions, and of course, sex.

Our brains further evolved into what is known as the “mammalian” brain when our left and right cerebral hemispheres developed. More and more circuits had to be added to process the more complex functions of the life and culture of our mammalian ancestors and our brains grew in size. But we still rely on that command post to assist us in our primary need: survival. This relic of the past fights our evolved brains more flexible reactions and tends to take over when we perceive that we need them.

This very powerful tiny walnut sized part of our brain, set inside our brain stem, is called our “hypothalamus”. It injects our system with electrical stimulus evoking anger, anxiety and acute fear. Most of the time, we are able to maintain mastery over this part of our brain. But now and again our animal senses tell us that our survival or our well-being is being challenged and that package of survival programs, called “emotions” erupt.

It’s like you have two brains in one body. Your emotional states that evolved to help you survive; and the other which is ruled by reason. The old brain; and the new brain in one package: your skull.

Okay, now, back to sex…

Intimacy – I Give Up!

Melody Brooke — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 15:12:22 +0000

At 40 when I was divorced and dating I met guys who had given up intimacy. These guys had decided that since they are “no good” at intimacy, they might as well just have a good time and focus only on finding women willing to be sex partners with no entanglements. They didn’t care if the woman was married or not, just that she was ready to hop into bed without any “strings”. Lately I have been meeting women who have also given up, but because they don’t want promiscuous sex, they resign themselves to a life without men.

It seems that when we reach a certain age and we have not been able establish a long-term intimate connection we tend to give up. Now, obviously this is not true for everyone as some people divorce and remarry many times trying to make it work. But many people do give up. I think its sad. Some of the men and women I have met are marvelous people, intelligent, creative, hard working and attractive. They are lonely, though often they try to convince themselves that single life is fine and they are happy. Maybe some of them are, certainly many of them have full, meaningful lives. But usually when I hear them talk about relationships it’s with a sad, wistful look on their faces.

So what are they to do? One woman I spoke with said about her ex-husband, “You know, he was a really great guy, but when we were together it brought out the crazy in both of us.” Without knowing what it is that makes us “crazy” when we are together we are left in a hopeless tangle of feelings and confusion.

Going to therapy is one obvious choice, but what if you have gone to therapy already, but you still don’t understand what when wrong? I went to therapy and learned the reasons for some of my bad choices and some really important things about myself (even becoming a counselor myself). I learned to be more assertive with my friends. I learned to feel better about myself as a person. I processed through a lot of old pain from my childhood. And yes, it did help me make a better choice in partners, but it didn’t fix the problems I had relating. Only after discovering what I now call “The Cycles of the Heart” did I begin to understand what was making me… and my partner, “Crazy”.

You see, something we humans don’t like to admit about ourselves is that we are animals. We have animal instincts. We have hard-wired brain reactivity that forces us to react in certain ways under certain circumstances. The emotions that drive the behaviors that result are compelling and overwhelming. We think that we have to do the things that our brain is telling us is required of us.

What triggers our brain into these survival mechanisms is a sense of threat. For animals, that sense of threat comes in pretty simplistic forms. They observe signals of a physical nature coming from another animal that compels them to react defensively. A growl, a stare, ruffled fur, bared teeth, stiffening of a spine all trigger a defensive reaction in animals. But human beings are a bit more complicated. Our brains store more data than most animals and it gets us confused about what is an actual threat and what just feels like a threat. It doesn’t matter to our brains whether the threat is real; it only knows to respond.

Our partners are important to us so we are really sensitive to threat from them. This is why we may have no problems getting along with our friends but a terrible time making a partnership work. What happens then is that our partners unwittingly say or do something that creates a sense of threat in us, we get frightened in some primitive way, and react defensively. Then, or defensiveness triggers a defensive response in our partner and the cycle begins; never to end.

We both end up acting like crazy people because we are reacting to something that feels way bigger than the situation, that the other person doesn’t understand, and neither of us knows how to end.

Does any of this sound familiar?…

Open Marriage – How Can I Convince My Husband? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 31 May 2007 19:42:08 +0000

Unhappy marriages can often lead to one or both partners cheating and having long term affairs.

More often than not, the marriage doesn’t survive the affair. In truth, it’s not just the affair, but the deception and lies that truly kill the relationship.

But what if you really want to stay with your current partner, although you realize that your partner is not able to fulfill your needs for sex and intimacy?

Some people consider an open marriage as a solution. While this is definitely not for everyone, there’s no reason it cannot work for some.

There are certainly other options for resolving intimacy issues couples face, but when counseling and other measures just don’t work, what can you do?

This question is from a lady facing this very dilemma. She has been in an extramarital affair for over a year, but she desperately wants to stay married to her husband. So hopes to pusuade him to consider and open marriage.

How can she approach him about the open marriage, considering her affair is ongoing?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am finding myself in depression. My joy and juice for life is diminishing. My energy is dwindling. I want to break out, I want to be free. I have a family, three little girls 3, 5, and 6.

How do you open up a marriage? I realize that the only solution to the bind I have gotten myself into is to talk truth. The truth is I have been having an affair for two years. I have no idea if the affair will last, but do we ever know if anything will ever last?

I have to make myself have sex with my husband and thank god to my large sex drive this is not a problem, however I do have to overcome a resistance each and every time, and it is starting to get to me. My affair is also no dream around sex, but I lust after him, he smells and tastes good to me and he can talk and move through stuck places, unlike my husband.

My husband is a good provider and a fun dad to the kids. I respect that and there is a certain turn on in the providing role that he holds. I can get off with him. However, we lack intimacy. I feel alone in this marriage and I went and got what I needed to feel connection and companionship.

Oddly enough orgasm is tricky with “the other man”. Partially this has to do with his story, but also it has to do with mine. Something about guilt of withholding from my husband, something about not feeling truly wanted by the man that would get involved with a married monogamous woman. If I was truly available for a one on one, my affair would be on a plane and out of here. He, although I get intimacy, connection and friendship from him, is intimacy and relationship phobic. Go figure!

In any case I need to open up the door. I am not sure if I need to mention my affair in talking with my husband about opening up the marriage or if I can simply let it be. I do realize that opening up the marriage requires more attention, communication and integrity than staying monogamous.

I have issues with jealousy. My main concern would be sexually transmitted diseases, impregnation of another woman and thereby loosing my provider’s full financial support. I know that he lacks the capacity for intimacy on the level that I want and need so there is no jealousy possible from that point, but I could encounter this from my affair.

Do you have any insights as to how I can work with jealousy so that it makes me aware of the love versus the loss that I fear?

My hope is that if I open up the marriage, I will not feel guilty; therefore I could enjoy myself more sexually all around. I also hope that it moves my husband out of the position of the bad man that doesn’t give me intimacy, and I can simply enjoy him for who he is without putting up walls.

I am pretty sure that he would be open to seeing other people. I am just not sure how to structure that, and seeing that we have three small children, I do believe we need to set up agreements around how this could work. Got any insights?

– Dona (California)

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But Seriously, Play with Me!

Melody Brooke — Mon, 07 May 2007 18:32:52 +0000

Here’s another great article from Melody Brooke. She’ been a featured author on our blog for several weeks now and we feel really fortunate to be able to share her thoughts and insights with you.

Today’s article however, had a tremendous impact on me personally – probably because it hit a little too close to home… We all get so busy doing the things that we think we ‘have’ to do that we forget to take the time to do the things that we ‘want’ to do and those things that brings us joy.

Not taking the time to have fun together can really cause a strain on your relationship.

Read this article to learn some really great ways to connect or re-connect with your partner.

But Seriously, Play with Me!

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

When we date someone we are intent on finding time to enjoy being together. Discovering similar interests means doing things together that you both enjoy. The result is that we end up doing a lot of fun, playful things together when we are dating. Bonding during play is an important aspect of building intimacy with someone. We open our hearts up to those we feel safe with, and we play with those we feel safe with, too. When you think about the time you spent together when you were dating, weren’t you constantly on the look out for playful things to do together?

It’s funny but we will even do things that are outside of our own comfort zone when we are dating. We will attempt things we have never tried before and we will do things that we don’t even particularly like, simply because the other person finds it fun.

Before we were married my husband invited me on a ski trip. I was 43 and had never skied before. I hate the cold, my Reynauds caused my hands to go numb in the cold, but of course I went. He taught me to ski (turns out I have a knack for it) and I now love to ski. But I might not have ever tried it if it weren’t for wanting to spend time playing with my prospective partner.

Yet once we settle into our daily lives with our partner, we tend to forget or even avoid doing those fun things together. Why is that? I think there are many reasons for it, but the top reason is that we start taking life too seriously. We have kids to care for, bills to pay, pools to care for, lawns to feed, work to do… all of which fill up our time and our thoughts, requiring all of our energy and resources. Taking time to play with our partner becomes a chore on our to-do list.

Play, of course, can take many forms and is highly individual. That can make it complicated for couples. He likes to golf, she likes to garden. She likes to shop, he likes to tinker with his car. When the divergent ways we like to have fun keep us apart, intimacy can be interrupted. Play is an intimacy building activity. We play with those we are closest to, so if we stop playing with them we stop feeling close.

Play also builds creative connections and opens new pathways in our brains. Studies show that kids who don’t get enough play time…