Ask Dan and Jennifer » intimacy

Low Sex Drive – How Can A Woman Get Her Libido Back?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 14:00:42 +0000

The libido changes in lots of ways throughout life, for both men and women. A low sex drive can mean a lot of things for a woman, especially after giving birth. Here’s how to figure out why she has a low libido and how to revv up your partner’s libido again after the baby is born.

Question: My question is, since my wife gave birth 18 months ago she is never in the mood, EVER. Now I work midnights and take care of the baby during the day to save on daycare costs. During that time at home, I cook, I clean, I do laundry and of course take care of the baby. I do this because I know her job is stressful and she works hard and the last thing she wants to do when she comes home is cook and clean. I thought all of that might help, but it didn’t. How can I help her get her get her libido back??? Thanks for the help!

–YouTube Viewer

Why A Woman’s Libido Might Change

There are a million different reasons a girl might experience a change in your lover’s libido, whether it’s a decrease or an increase. Usually it boils down to hormones. Throughout a female’s life, the levels of hormones in the body, such as estrogen, differs greatly. She may have a rampant sex drive at a younger age, only to experience a drastic decrease in libido during the aging process and the levels of hormones in the body begin to change. This is especially true right after giving birth. The good majority of the time a female experiences a change in libido, a change in hormones is what is responsible.

Communication Is Key

Make sure that you actually have an open line of communication with your partner about what is going on in your relationship, especially when it comes to sex – or the lack of it. Your partner may have no clue how you feel about the situation if you’re not talking to her – so make sure you’re actually communicating about what is happening.

Physical Reasons A Female’s Sex Drive Can Decrease

If your partner just isn’t feeling good and isn’t feeling like having sex, it may be time to make an appointment with her doctor. There are several purely physical reasons that a girl might experience a decrease in libido, such as:

Changes in hormones
Having a baby, especially if it was a difficult birth
Significant weight gain
Taking certain medications, especially anti-depressants and anti-psychotics

Emotional Causes For A Reduced Libido

Aside from physical factors, there are also lots of emotional factors that you need to consider when trying to find the root of a female’s lack of libido.

Being tired or exhausted from work or taking care of kids
Lack of time together as a couple
Lack of emotional connection
Lack of confidence and feeling unattractive, especially after having a baby or gaining weight
Depression or anxiety

A Word On Postpartum Depression

Postpartum depression is a serious issue that can happen after a girl has a baby, but it can be difficult to spot, since it’s normal for women to feel a little down after giving birth – this is most commonly referred to as the “baby blues.” However, when it becomes serious, it can be dangerous to leave it untreated. If you suspect that your partner may have postpartum depression, don’t judge or criticize. Show your partner love and support, but make sure to see a doctor immediately. Serious postpartum depression can cause a woman to harm herself or the baby, which never ends well. Symptoms of postpartum depression can include:

Lower libido than before the baby
Loss of appetite
Insomnia
Intense irritability and anger
Overwhelming fatigue
Lack of joy in life
Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
Severe mood swings
Difficulty bonding with the baby
Withdrawal from family and friends
Thoughts of harming herself or the baby

What You Can Do To Fire Up The Libido

If you’ve ruled out some of the more serious reasons that your partner might be experiencing a decrease in libido there are a few things you can do to try to get that spark back into your sex life.

Plan A Date Night

Often, after having a baby, everything becomes all about taking care of the baby. There’s very little time left for you and your partner to actually spend time together away from the baby and reconnect. You need to remember why you’re a couple in the first place! The baby will be just fine with a babysitter or grandma and grandpa while you and your partner go on a date. Stay in touch, but remember that you need to take some time for the two of you.

One of the most important aspects of planning a date night is that a girl doesn’t usually have the opportunity to dress up, do her hair, put on makeup and go somewhere when she’s a full time mother – especially if there’s a full time job involved. Giving your partner the opportunity to feel like a woman again can work wonders!

Romance Your Partner

You may just be missing that element of romance that used to exist in your relationship but doesn’t anymore. Most of a female’s arousal is actually mental, and for a girl to feel sexual, she must be completely relaxed. Draw a nice bubble bath and pour your partner a glass of wine (if the baby isn’t nursing). Give your partner a massage, or buy a gift certificate so she can go get one.

Focus Your Attention On Your Partner

Remember that for a woman to feel important to you and valued by you (which is necessary for a lady to want to be come sexual with you), she has to feel like you’re paying attention to her and value what she has to say. Talk to your partner one on one, with the television off. Ask questions about how she feels and what she thinks, and then actually listen to the answers!

When You Do Have Sex

When you and your partner actually do have sex, it’s very important that you focus on her pleasure – and make sure your lover has an orgasm too! Worship your lover’s body and make her feel sexy in the way you touch and look at her. Give your partner oral sex and let her have an orgasm first, and even more than once if you can!

If She’s Having Trouble Reaching Orgasm

Many women have trouble reaching orgasm, especially after having a baby. After giving birth, things may be a little sore, or may just feel a little different down there. Don’t be afraid to bring in some props like arousal gel or warming lube. Of course, lube is especially crucial for sex after having a baby, because you can really hurt the sensitive tissues down there if the vagina is dry – which is more likely after giving birth.

Top 5 Reasons Not To Cheat

He Said/She Said with John & Jenna — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 23:00:07 +0000

Cheating is almost never a good idea – here are 5 great reasons to avoid cheating on your partner.

What She Said:

I want to honor my vows. “For better or worse” is what I agreed to – and staying faithful means things will stay on “the better” end of the spectrum.
The kids. I don’t have ‘em, but I know a lot of couples that choose to act on the up and up – for themselves as much as an example for their children.
It should be number one, but my favorite reason is simple: love. My husband is my best friend; I’d never do anything to hurt him.
The grass is not always greener! Sure, it’s nice to daydream about that hunk giving you the eye at the grocery store – but he probably isn’t any better than what you have at home. And at least you’ve got that one trained!
Lying corrodes the soul. A good marriage is based on mutual admiration and respect, not deceit.

You don’t have to be married to honor vows. If you’ve agreed, as a couple, to be monogamous that’s enough to remove you from the market.

Monogamy Doesn’t Have To Be Boring

Monogamy doesn’t have to spell monotony. Bet you haven’t heard that one before, but it’s true! Think of ways to keep it hot with the one you’ve already got. Fantasizing is allowed – getting on with Brad Pitt in your mind can be satisfying and save your marriage. A win/win!

Trust & Intimacy Is Rewarding

Building intimacy in the long-term is a great challenge – and a great reward. It takes time to develop. Flirtation is fleeting, but a deep bond can last the rest of your life. Before you think about stepping out of your committed relationship, take a moment to think of the consequences. Trust can be a fragile thing, and once it’s broken it can be difficult to repair. Take stock of what you’ve got.

What He Said:

It’s called technology. It will fuck you, and not in a fun way. Anything you do online is recorded, somewhere. It’s usually not an issue, but when infidelity happens, it’s easier to prove and to nail your ass with.
It’s called the Internet. If you cheat and you piss off your significant other, they can and often will smear your ass all over the Internet. That means any sexy videos or photos you’ve taken, any naughty text messages, anything that can make you look bad to a perspective employer will be put online and will be easily found by perspective employers (who are looking for that kind of thing. Perverts).
The juice is almost always not worth the squeeze. Assuming that you cheat with someone and that sex is the greatest sex ever had in human history, it will still not be worth the hell your fidelity will put all parties through. Your other half is going to rip you a new one, over the course of several years, and then the legal system will reopen those still healing wounds and rip an additional one into the one he/she just ripped into you. It’s not worth it, even if you have some crazy, Justin Timberlake on tour sex.
The Chris Rock rule. Many people violate, what I call “The Chris Rock Rule of Infidelity” which states: the person you cheat on your partner with must be as hot or hotter than your partner. If you bang someone way hotter than your partner, well, at least they can understand on some level. You had a chance with someone way out of your league and you took it. They will be hurt, but they won’t be mad. If you just bang some skank who happens to be willing to do things your partner won’t, well, that’s your ass. She will be way pissed because you banged someone lower on the quality scale than you have waiting for you at home. If you do this, you are an idiot.
Fantasy is not usually the reality. Say you’re a 40 something guy and some hot 19 year old is all up on you and wants it. Bad. Do you really think it will be as good as you imagine? Sure, she’s hot and young, but she’s also young and crazy. She’s going to go apeshit when it’s just sex for you, and even if she doesn’t, it probably won’t live up to your fantasy. How Could it?

How To Cook For A Woman And Win Her Heart

Michael Webb — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 23:00:36 +0000

Girls love coming home from work and not having to fix a meal – so surprise her with your skills as a chef – and follow it up with an evening full of romance. If you play your cards right, you could definitely make your girl swoon, and you might just get a little nookie out of the deal too! Here’s how to plan a super special evening where you’re in control and all she has to do is sit back and relax!

Preparation Is Important

Preparation is important here! Make sure your home is neat, tidy and most of all, comfortable. If you have kids, make sure you have organized a babysitter who can watch the children in their home. If this isn’t feasible, arrange to have a babysitter on standby at your home. Make sure that whoever is watching your kids is prepared for “overtime” if you and your lover end up getting a little frisky after dinner.

Set a flirty mood by sending the invitation to dinner to her office, leave it on her bed, in her briefcase or even send a romantic electronic invite. The fact that you actually took the time to “formally” invite her to dinner at your home will intrigue her enough that you’re almost guaranteed a “yes!”

Planning The Menu

Make sure you plan the menu well ahead of time and shop for the ingredients that you need a few days before your date. This way, if there’s anything that you’ve missed or that you run out of, you still have plenty of time to run to the store without things turning into a giant mess.

Figuring out what to make can be difficult, because you want something that is quick enough that it leaves you time for seduction at the end of the meal but you also want something nice enough that it will impress your gal. Furthermore, you don’t want something so complicated that you’re bound to screw it up and you also want to make sure it’s something she’ll actually like too! What a list! Make sure you know about any food allergies your partner may or may not have before you go shopping.

Time For Fun!

Now’s the time for “dress up” or should we call it “dress down.” Choose a masculine apron and strip naked, leaving your front covered with just your butt cheeks showing. Obviously, you would have ensured that you are freshly showered, wearing your best aftershave and have removed any unwanted hair she might have an aversion to (be it back or butt hair for that matter!).

Make a slightly exaggerated but “cheeky” effort in transforming your lounge/dining room into a sensual, romantic setting. Bend over catching her eye as you lay out the scented candles; carefully chosen mood music and table settings. Adjust the suitable temperature heating (comfortable enough to disrobe in) and check the working CD/IPOD.

Getting Down To Business

Now it’s time for the “main course.” Act the part of the gentleman and tell her you are going to “dress for dinner,” and come out in your TUX (or as fancy as you have). If she objects, saying that she would rather you stay as you are – then obey the lady, after all, the intention is to get naked anyway.

Surprise her by playing a little scene out of the movie (9½ weeks) by blindfolding her; feeding her little portions from the plate and making her guess what food it is. If she gets it wrong, she has to pay a forfeit and what forfeit is entirely up to you – use your imagination and choose one that she would feel comfortable with. Reverse the roles and allow her to do the same to you. Feeding one another is a highly erotic aspect of foreplay that bodes extremely well in building up anticipation.

Following Up With Romance

Last but not least, make sure you have scattered red rose petals all over the area you plan to use to make love, whether it is the bedroom, fireplace or next to the hot tub! You will have planned this before you started cooking, so that you and your lover have a romantic, sensual place to go when things get too hot in the kitchen!

How To Compliment A Girl And Make Her Melt

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 14:00:31 +0000

Romance goes a long way with a woman – a little effort can make a big difference. Complimenting a woman is one way to make her feel great about herself and closer to you. A simple phrase with a hint of romance can be enough to make a woman fall head over heels for you. Here’s how a compliment can sweep her off her feet – and into your arms!

Women Love Romance

Almost every woman loves romance – they love to be sweet talked and told how beautiful they are or how much they mean to a guy. This is another one of those big “men are different than women” things – men don’t put as much stock into words themselves as women do. Words mean a lot to women and with the right words, you can have direct entry into a woman’s heart. If you say the right things, you’ll make a woman melt almost immediately!

Compliments To Use

When you compliment a woman, what you say goes directly into her brain and into her heart. She’ll remember what you said for weeks, months or even years and if it’s something really special, she’ll never forget it. Here are some great compliments to use when you want to make a woman swoon:

Start any sentence with “I love it when you….” Fill in the blank with something she does that you think is cute or that makes your life easier. This can be really effective if you know she goes out of her way to do something for you. Telling her you love this shows her that a) you noticed that she did it and b) that you appreciate it. That kind of compliment is golden!
“You make me….” Use this one to tell her about something she does to make your life better in some way. Women love to fix their guys – so tell her something that she’s done for you that makes things easier or better for you.
Compliment her in ways that make her feel like she’s the only woman in the world. Make her feel like she’s truly unique, special and there’s no one else in the world like her. Tell her why she’s perfect for you and how she’s absolutely irreplaceable.

Old Favorites

There are some sayings that have been around for awhile that still work – in fact, these phrases are probably what you’d consider to be a “hammer” in your compliment tool belt. Nothing new or fancy, but these phrases definitely do the trick.

Saying “I love you” is always in style. Of course, you want to make sure that you’re in that stage of your relationship before you bust out the L-word. If you just met that day, this probably isn’t appropriate to use.
Tell her that she’s beautiful. Use the word “beautiful” – you may think that “hot” equates to the same thing, but for a woman, it doesn’t. If you tell her that she’s “hot,” she’ll think you regard her as more of an object than a person. Tell her how breathtaking she looks instead.

Being Genuine Is Everything

Don’t just say empty words when you give a woman a compliment. She will see right through it before you even finish getting the sentence out of your mouth. Make sure that you mean what you say! Because women speak in the language of emotions, it’s important to attach your emotions to everything you say. Yes, you’re making yourself a little more vulnerable this way, but it’s exactly what is going to make the difference to your woman.

Pick up lines aren’t what you want to use to give your partner or a woman you like a genuine compliment. What you say needs to come directly from your heart – not memorized beforehand. When talking to a woman, don’t over-exaggerate. Be honest and put the real you out there.

Have A Positive Focus

When wooing a woman with romance, you want to make sure that what you’re saying has a positive focus. Stay focused on talking about the things you like about your woman, not the things that you don’t like. A great way to be positive is to be kind and appreciative of the thinks you like about your partner about of the things she does for you to make your life better.

Actions do speak louder than words, so you also want to make sure that you’re doing kind things in addition to saying nice and sweet things to your woman. If you’re saying one thing but doing another, you’re only going to confuse or upset her. Here’s how to really show a woman that she’s important to you:

Spend time with her. If you’re on the phone, get off and talk to her instead.
Make eye contact with her. Show her you care about her through your eyes.
Show her that you’re grateful for her being in your life.
Show her that she’s important to you and you’re happy she’s there with you.

If you compliment a woman and show her that you really care, you’ll make her melt in no time!

How To Get Her To Fall In Love With You

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 14:00:16 +0000

Love is something every man wants but doesn’t always know how to get. Women naturally want to give love – it’s hardwired into their DNA. They imagine what it would be like to fall head over heels for a guy since they were little girls! Every girl wants to be swept off her feet, so here’s how to get any woman to fall in love, almost instantly!

Mars vs. Venus

Men and women are different in almost every single way, and how love is perceived is one of them. The way guys and gals feel about love itself is so different that most men usually can’t even fathom what goes through a woman’s head when she’s falling for a guy. It can be difficult for him to know what to say or do to get a woman to swoon but there are lots of easy ways you can increase the chances that she will be attracted to you and fall in love.

What Is Love, Anyway?

Take a step back and examine the idea of love in general. Most people would define it as a deeply intense emotional connection with another person. However, that is only partly true – there is another definition of the emotion that explains what love is and why it makes us feel the way we do.

Literally, love is a series of complex chemicals released from your brain into your body that can affect several things such as your mood, emotions and energy levels. When these chemicals are released, they create the positive feelings of being “in love.”

How Do Women Really Feel About It?

Women spend their entire lives getting ready for love – it’s one of the most important things to a woman and it’s completely woven into the messages that society sends to women. Girls think about it often even from a very young age – they think about the man they’re going to marry or what it might feel like when they finally do go head over heels for a guy.

To be successful in getting a woman to swoon over you, you have to understand that for a woman, love is extremely important. So get ready to stack the cards in your favor and do a few things to increase the chances that she will fall for you.

Make Nice With Your Girl’s Friends And Family

To some degree, a woman’s friends and family have to approve of you for her to be interested in being your partner for the long haul. If you’re a total jerk to her family members or her friends, or do things that the people who are important to your woman disapprove of, you’re just stacking the deck against yourself.

It’s very difficult for a woman to love a man who her family or friends dislike, so make it easier for her by being on your best behavior around people who matter to your woman.

Open Up And Be Emotional

It’s important to make sure you come across as a strong, happy guy with a lot of confidence, however, you also can’t be afraid to show emotion. Women speak in the language of emotions, so hiding yours or acting like you don’t care about hers isn’t going to get you very far at all.

Make sure you show your girl that her emotions are important to you and that you’re not afraid to show your emotions when you are together. Making yourself a little vulnerable to her will make it easier for her to have strong feelings towards you.

Get To Know Your Girl

If you really want to develop a deep bond with a woman, take some time to really get to know her and who she is. Show real and genuine interest in the things that she likes and ask questions about what passions she has and what drives her to do what she does.

Make a habit to actually listen when she’s talking to you and make mental notes about what is really and truly important to your woman. This will show her that you actually do care and the things that mean something to her mean something to you too.

Give Her The Best Sex Of Her Life

Women associate emotion with sex – it’s just part of who they are and how they feel about sex. When they experience an amazing orgasm, they’re more likely to feel strong emotions towards the person they had sex with. Make yourself that person by giving your girl the best sex she’s ever had!

Learn to be an incredible lover. Take some time to read up on how to give a woman a sheet soaking orgasm – don’t think that just because you’ve been having sex for a while that you know everything there is to know about how to please a woman. There’s probably a lot you don’t know – so read up on how to really give a woman pleasure and then practice on your partner.

Be the best she’s ever had! Make sure that she has an orgasm first and pay attention to her body language to determine whether you’re on the right track or not. She’ll let you know what she likes and doesn’t like by the way her body responds to your touches.

Remember To Give Her Space

Girls are complicated – they need to feel close to a guy but at the same time, they need enough space to still feel like they’re independent. Make sure your girl has a life outside of your relationship. Encourage your girl to spend time with her own friends and do things that are fun without you. Take the opportunity to spend some time with your own friends and show your girl that you’re strong, confident and independent too.

You want to get close to a woman – both physically and emotionally – to get her to fall in love, but you want to make sure that you’re not too clingy or needy and that you’re giving your girl plenty of space as well.

Love Yourself First

Remember that the best way to get love from other people is to love yourself first and be someone who other people will naturally love too. If you don’t accept yourself and see yourself as worthy of other people’s love, other people aren’t going to see you worthy of it either.

When you have that inner strength and confidence, it’s incredible how many people are drawn to you and attracted to you. People naturally want to be around others who are happy and who love themselves. If you truly love yourself and accept yourself for who you are and what you have to offer the world, others (including women) will fall in love with you too.

Top 5 Ways To Keep Your Woman Happy

He Said/She Said with John & Jenna — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 23:00:45 +0000

A relationship takes some effort to stay fulfilling. For guys, keeping a girl happy can be tough. You’ve got yourself an amazing woman, and even more amazingly, she’s happy with you! Congratulations, grasshopper! But that was the easy part. Finding a girl and making her happy, anyone can do that. KEEPING her happy, that’s the rub. Here are five ways to make sure she stays satisfied:

What She Said:

Take her on romantic date nights.
Offer to help (and follow through on said offer) with cooking and cleaning.
Thoughtful gifts – diamonds are always good!
Remain faithful and make her feel like she’s “Number One.”
Share/communicate your feelings.

I can feel our male readership cringing from here. Don’t worry guys; it’s not as painful as it sounds! The above are guidelines – you’re still allowed to intrinsically be yourself. After all, that’s whom your girlfriend (or wife) fell for in the first place.

Treating Her With Love And Respect

What this list entails are actions to refer to as your relationship goes along. It means checking in, communicating and not taking your awesome mate for granted. It also means, as you continue to treat her well, that you can expect the same from her. Again, it’s not about a tit-for-tat exchange of favors – it’s about consistently treating each other with love and respect.

How To Make Sure She Stays In Love

What does marking her birthday with a thoughtful gift; planning date nights and washing the dishes get you? Unconditional love, foot rubs when you need them and a steady flow of sex with someone you adore. That doesn’t sound too bad! And remember, for every Valentine’s Day there’s a Steak & Blowjob Day just around the corner. (More on that soon!)

What He Said:

The 3 C’s (Chocolate, compliments and cunnilingus)
Regular massages (from you or someone else)
Consistency
Regular Romance
A housekeeper

The three c’s are pretty self-explanatory. Women tend to enjoy them and they really can’t seem to get enough of any of them. Individually they are great, put the three together in a single evening and she may worship the ground you walk on for life.

Help Her Relax

Massages are great too. It’s a tough world, especially for women and often the issue is in the tissue. You gotta get it out, the stress, tension, knots, etc have to go. You should always be giving them, but making sure she gets regular rub downs from trained professionals (who leave the happy endings to the two of you!)

Consistency is an overlooked component. A man does not choose a woman, a woman chooses the man. She chose you for a reason. Figure it out what it is and make sure that you deliver on a regular basis. When she says things like “I don’t know who you are any more” or “you’ve changed” it means “Hey! I chose that guy and now your some other dude. Where did he go? “ Don’t let that happen.

Keep The Romance Alive

Regular romance can mean anything, but spending doesn’t have to be a part of it. Thoughtful gifts that show you are paying attention are great. It shouldn’t be about money or flowers, or stuff. It needs to show her that you are listening and you care. The best gifts you can give her are the ones that she never explicitly asks for. She will tell you want she wants, if you listen, but if she has to say “I want x for Christmas” that’s not so good.

A housekeeper is like female Viagra. If your woman comes home to a freshly cleaned apartment that she didn’t clean, she will probably rape you on the spot. Because it shows that you listen that you care and that she’s important.

If you combine these five things into your relationship, you’ll be good. If you combine them into a single day (and do so on a regular basis) you will never worry about keeping her happy again.

How To Talk A Woman Into Bed

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 14:00:09 +0000

Sex isn’t something you can just jump right into – most of the time, anyway. Girls need a little warm up time before getting in the mood, and they don’t get turned on the same way guys do, just by looking at someone of the opposite sex naked. Girls respond better to sensual, seductive language. Here’s what you can say before sex to get her hot – and ready to jump in bed with you!

Girls Love Words

Remembering the fundamental difference between men and women is probably going to be your key to success in getting a woman to have sex with you. Men are essentially visual creatures and respond well to visual stimuli such as porn, but girls on the other hand, enjoy words more, such as sexy stories and erotic novels. This is why you will see a woman not really care about a porn, but get completely horny after reading a sensual novel.

Be Aware Of Her Insecurities

Guys love to compliment girls and girls love to be complimented – however, if you’re complimenting the parts of her body that she’s insecure about, it’s going to turn her off. For example, you may think her belly is so cute or hot and she may think her belly is her most flawed body part. Women don’t look at themselves the same way men do – as just being hot from head to toe. A woman will stand in front of a mirror and pick out her “flaws,” even when she looks great.

When talking to her and telling her how amazing she looks, find out what she likes best about herself. It may not even be something sexual – she may think her feet are really cute (especially if she gets pedicures often) or she may love her hair. It doesn’t matter what it is – if you find a way to compliment what she loves about herself, it will get her turned on more than anything else you can say.

Compliment Her With Emotion

When you do find something to compliment or talk about, it’s important that you do it with emotion and sensual words. Telling her that her hair looks “great” or her legs are “hot” isn’t going to get you anywhere with a woman. Instead, make sure that the words you choose to use are full of emotion. Tell her that her legs look “amazing” or “incredible.” Touch her hair and talk about how “soft” and “silky” it is and how you love the feel of it on your skin.

Remember that giving empty sounding compliments can actually do more damage than good. If you and your partner have used the “L” word to tell each other how you feel, don’t be afraid to use it now. Tell your partner how much you love her and care deeply for her – this will get her emotions on fire!

Use Descriptive Language

Because women are such verbal creatures, choosing descriptive language is extremely important. Telling your lover how “horny” you are or saying that she looks “hot” isn’t going to cut it if you’re trying to get her in bed. Instead, try these easy to use, descriptive words next time your talking to a woman:

“Soft” as in: “Your skin is so soft and smooth.”
“Silky” as in: “Your silky pajamas make my skin tingle.”
“Hard” as in: “It has been so hard waiting for you all day.”
“Ravish” as in: “I can’t wait to ravish your body.”
“Luscious” as in: “Your lips are so luscious, can I kiss them?”
“Intoxicate” as in: “The sultry sound of your voice is completely intoxicating.”

Make Sure Your Body Language And Facial Expressions Match Your Emotions

Once you’ve gotten the language down pat, you want to make sure that your body language and your facial expressions not only match your emotions, but also match the descriptive words you’re using. If you’re telling her how luscious her lips are, lick your lips and look deeply into her eyes, switching your gaze from her eyes to her lips until you move in for the kiss.

You don’t want to tell her how soft and silky her hair is if you’re not going to run your fingers through it and pull her in for a deep, sensual kiss. You don’t want to tell her how difficult it was waiting for her all day if you’re not actually showing her how you feel through your facial expressions and your body language. Make sure that you’re not only communicating with your verbal language, but you’re also communicating through your actions and facial expressions as well.

How To Revive A Sexless Marriage In 3 Easy Steps

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 14:00:28 +0000

More sex with their wives is something every husband wants – especially when the fire has died. After a man and a woman have been married for a long period of time, they naturally grow apart sexually. This can be extremely frustrating, because you’re wondering why the sex just isn’t as good (or why you’re not having it as often) as when you and your partner were younger. Getting back into the swing of things just takes a little work though use these three easy tips to get more nookie with your spouse!

Stop Putting Pressure On Her To Have Sex

You’ve done it before – you’re in the mood and you really want to do it with your partner. However, she really doesn’t feel like doing it at all. She may have had a rough day at work, or she may be worrying about other things. She may even use the classic “headache” excuse to let you know that it’s just not something she’s into right now. However, you’re very into it, so you start pressuring her to have sex with you. Sometimes this works, but it usually only gets you a quickie – if you pressure her to do it and she does, she’s basically getting busy with you just to shut you up.

There’s another problem with this though. If she was even the least little bit turned on before you started pressuring her, it went away as soon as you opened your mouth. Even with the best foreplay and the best techniques, if you pressure her, she’s just not going to get or stay very aroused at all. People face enough pressure in their day to day lives with work, school, bills and children that there’s just no reason to bring it into the bedroom too. Give her a break and don’t pressure her or guilt trip her next time you want to have sex. Just resign yourself to a great masturbation session instead.

Learn How To Tease Her To Build Arousal

Instead of making your lover feel obligated to get it on with you, it’s important to make her want it. She does want it, but her libido is buried underneath layers of stress, worry and items on the to-do list. It’s up to you to tease her and peel those layers away to expose the sexual side within her. A quickie can be a good thing, but women don’t always want to “just go do it real quick right now.” Since women take a while to warm up and become aroused, a quickie is just going to be all about you.

Instead, learn to tease your woman and build her arousal. How do you do that?

Flirting. Flirt with her over the phone, in text messages, in emails and in person. This helps you build her anticipation to see you and to be close to you.

Have Fun. Learn to stop taking life so seriously. If you learn to have fun and let go, your partner is generally going to want to be around you more and spend more time with you because your happiness is infectious.

Touch Her. Start touching her all the time, whether you’re sitting next to each other in the car or just having dinner together after work. Place your hand on her leg, brush up against her. This teasing and touching will get her brain in an aroused mode as she begins to anticipate more and more touching later.

Don’t Expect Sex

If you do all of these things with the expectation that she’s going to do it with you at the end of the day, you’ve already blown it. The whole idea here is to do these things just for the sake of doing them, because you enjoy flirting with your partner, touching her and spending time with her. Let her desire for it develop naturally, without her feeling expected or obligated to. She will come to you for sex when she feels ready.

Be Willing To Walk Away

If you’re doing everything possible to build a sexual relationship between you and your spouse, but she doesn’t seem to want to meet you halfway, you may have to realize that this marriage isn’t for you. Give marriage counseling a good, solid try first before you make a final decision to end it with your spouse but everyone deserves to be happy in a relationship and to feel sexually satisfied. If you can’t get fulfillment with your current partner, it may be time to find someone new.

Little Everyday Things that Keep Romance Alive

Andrew Wang — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 14:00:06 +0000

Romance tends to fade in long term relationships and once you’ve been together for awhile, it can be easy to assume that your mate knows just how much you love them. As you settle into a more routine state of couple-hood, however, you may find that some of the romance and excitement has faded.

It’s important to make sure that you make an effort express your love and affection for your significant other on a regular basis. Keeping the passion of your early relationship going doesn’t require a big production, either. There are easy everyday gestures that you can make that will let your partner know just exactly how much you love them.

Love Is A Basic Human Need

As human beings, we all need to feel loved and cared for. The mere act of doing someone a favor without their having to ask can show just how much you feel for them. There are all sorts of simple favors you can perform on any given day. If your S.O. typically takes their lunch to work, wake up ten minutes early and make it for them every once and awhile.

Volunteer to take over their half of the chores when you know they’ve had a particularly bad week. If you don’t live together, offer to come over and make them dinner or clean their place, instead. These small gestures are thoughtful and truly helpful, and your girlfriend or boyfriend will find them incredibly sweet.

Little Things Make It Romantic

Doing things without any major motive is also a way to bring romance into your relationship. Bringing over flowers just for the heck of it, or serving up breakfast in bed on a Saturday morning, are two classic examples. There are other great random acts, too. There are lots of opportunities to surprise your partner with inexpensive but thoughtful little gifts.

While you’re out grocery shopping, pick up your mate’s favorite candy bar or snack. Bring over a bottle of champagne or sparkling wine to add an extra air of romance to a typical evening in. Did your S.O. recently mention in passing how much they loved eating chocolate chip cookies as a kid? Surprise them with a homemade batch courtesy of yours truly.

Don’t Forget Physical Intimacy

Of course, love also has its physical side. Making sure to kiss and hug everyday is very meaningful. Even if it’s just a quick peck goodbye in the morning, it helps to keep you physically connected. If you see your S.O. sitting around looking stressed out, walk over and give them a five minute shoulder rub and a kiss on the cheek. When you’re watching TV or a movie, sit side by side and hold hands or cuddle. If you feel like sneaking a kiss or two during the commercial break, and that leads to more, then more power to you. The important thing is to keep up regular physical contact. You’ll both be happier for it.

Saying, “I Love You”

There is another simple way to remind your partner of how much you love them. Just tell them. Say it every night before bed or every morning before you leave for work. Say it right before you hang up on the phone or type it at the end of your text. The phrase “I love you” can be reassuring, romantic—even sexy. No matter when or how you say it, make sure that you do. It’s important to put that little daily reminder across to your S.O., so they’ll always know how you feel about them. Combine these words with the other aforementioned thoughtful gestures, and everyday will have an air of romance about it.

How To Cope With Unrequited Love

Andrew Wang — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 23:00:24 +0000

Love – the unrequited kind – is something most of us have experienced at some point in our lives. You fall in love with someone, they don’t return your feelings, and you just can’t seem to let go. Logic would dictate that you shouldn’t care for someone who doesn’t care for you, but you’re so lovesick that logic no longer matters.

So how can you get over your heart break and your lingering feelings? You owe it to yourself to move forward. It’s important, not least of all because you might miss out on the person you should really be with while you’re mooning over the wrong guy or girl.

People You Can’t Pursue A Relationship With

It can be pretty difficult to see the forest for the trees when you’re head over hills for someone. When that individual doesn’t love you back, however, you need to have a reality check with yourself. Sometimes there are obvious reasons why you shouldn’t pursue a relationship with someone. No matter how attracted you are to them, if the object of your affection is married or in a happy relationship, you need to back down and look elsewhere.

If the person is your boss, your direct report, your current teacher or student, it’s inappropriate to pursue them until you no longer work together directly. When there are overt roadblocks like these, it can be easier to convince yourself to move on. But sometimes the only reason to move forward is because your crush just wants to be friends. Worse, maybe they don’t want anything to do with you at all. In either case, it’s in your best interest to spend a decent amount of time away from this person while focusing on your own happiness.

How To Deal With Rejection

You need to harness optimism in this situation, but it needs to be the healthy and not harmful kind. Move away from wishful thinking regarding the guy or girl who rejected you. There’s no point daydreaming that your married flame will suddenly leave their spouse for you, or that they’ll wake up one morning and realize they actually are in love with you.

Harness that source of hope inside yourself and direct it toward better things. Don’t sit at home and sulk night after night. Instead, enlist the help of your friends to make sure you get out of the house and have some fun. Don’t waste your time looking forward to an impossible relationship. Look forward to your fun weekend plans, to your morning run, or to completing that big project at work. Relegate thinking about love to the background for now, and you’ll find you’re able to take a step or two forward.

Moving On

The most important reason to move on is that there truly are other fish in the sea to date. If you’re busy fixating on one person, you’re missing all the other people out there who could easily be a better fit for you. If you’re out in the world enjoying yourself, you just might bump into Mr. or Ms. Right, and then you won’t give a flip about Mr. or Ms. Rejection anymore. So don’t close yourself off to the world, and don’t cling to false hope.

Instead, embrace the knowledge that there could be someone else out there a thousand times more perfect for you. Go out and live your life to the fullest, and you just might find them when you least expect it. There is no point in puppy dogging around after a lost cause. If they don’t see the value in being with you, they’re not worth it anyway.

Top 5 Ways To Keep Your Man Happy

He Said/She Said with John & Jenna — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 23:00:29 +0000

A great relationship has finally come your way and you’re with a great guy. Congratulations! But just how exactly do you keep your guy blissed out for the next umpteen years while you grow old together? Here are five insightful tips on how to make sure your man stays satisfied and content – and keep him from looking for another relationship?

What She Said

How do you make sure your man stays blissed out in this relationship?

An active sex life – lots of it and make it hot!
Get him a membership to a Beer of the Month Club – it worked for me!
Be a good friend – be sure to have fun together in activities you both enjoy.
Give him some freedom – enjoy the trust and don’t cling.
Offer to skip Valentine’s Day – you’ll be a trendsetting heroine.

The best way to “make” someone else happy is by being confident and joyous in your own life. That shines through to everyone you meet and will also be very appealing to your mate. The bonus? Both your quality of life and your relationship will improve. A happy, confident woman doesn’t rely on someone else to take care of her – and that instantly relieves a lot of stress from a guy’s shoulders.

What Not To Do

Most men I know don’t like crying fits, pouting or being made to feel guilty. I’ve also heard a rumor that they’re not too hip on Valentine’s Day either. This doesn’t mean you can never be sad, be in a bad mood or will be forced to forgo flowers and chocolate. It means for every kind thing he does for you, from comforting you when you’re down to taking you out to dinner, is also deserving of a reciprocal action. It’s not a game of tit-for-tat – it’s a way to keep up a mutual appreciation and admiration within your duo.

Long-term relationships equal work and compromise – but that doesn’t mean it has to be a drag. Skip the drama, be honest and have fun. Treat him like your best friend – because hopefully that’s exactly what he is!

What He Said

Be his own personal slut
Regularly send him to the strip club (with a stack of $1 dollar bills!)
Make him feel like a king
Save the crazy for your girlfriends
Be as fun to be around with your clothes on as you are when your clothes are off

I’m going to get a lot of flack for #1, but let me explain. This is one of those differences between men and women. When a woman hears another woman called a slut or whore, it’s an insult. When a guy hears a girl called a slut or whore it’s a compliment. He doesn’t want you to go out and bang the Pittsburgh Steelers, though. Men aren’t looking for a girl that is “a” whore, they are looking for a girl that is “their” whore. Big difference. If you have moves that make porn stars blush, your man won’t be watching any and he certainly won’t be looking elsewhere.

Making Him Feel Awesome

Sending him to the strip club may seem like it’s a good thing only for him, but really you’re the one that benefits. You look like the coolest chick on the planet (to your man and all his friends) and you have some other girl get him all hot and bothered. All you have to do is wait for him to come home and enjoy.

Making him feel like a king is huge, especially these days. Many hen pecking, man hating feminists have taken great pleasure in cutting the collective balls off of men everywhere. Every man wants to feel like the king of his castle. Make him feel that way. You’ll be glad you did.

Try Not To Be Crazy – Around Him At Least

Save the crazy for your girlfriends (and gay men). Men don’t want to know how neurotic women are. We kind of know already, but don’t remind us. It will send your man running faster than you can say Trophy Wife. Vent to your girlfriends and to your gays (if you don’t have any gays in your life, I really have to question why) and not to your man. You’ll both be glad you did.

The Key To It All

Men love sex, this is true. We also love low maintenance (whoever said men love a ‘challenge,’ ‘the chase’ or ‘the thrill of the hunt’ is out of their damn mind), so be easy about it. Don’t put any pressure or drama (at least any that can be avoided). Just be a super awesome chick that he always wants to hang out with (even when you’re not boning each other) and you will be worth your weight in gold in his eyes (not that you’re fat. You’re totally skinny).

How To Make After-Sex Moments Romantic

Kaylen Jackson — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 14:00:35 +0000

After sex, guys are notorious for rolling over and going to sleep. Girls, on the other hand, may get up and rush to the bathroom to get cleaned up right after a man ejaculates inside her. However, these activities can absolutely kill any romantic mood you had going and make the sex seem less than amazing. Try these tips to bask in the after-sex glow and turn up the romance after getting busy.

Get Unplugged

In the age of technology, hardly anyone goes anywhere without their laptops, Kindles or iPhones and this includes the bedroom. Your guy may want to flip on the game after doing it, while you may want to text your best friend to tell her the amazing new thing your man did during oral sex.

Instead of turning on the television, checking your email or uploading a book to your e-reader, take some time to get unplugged after having sex. If you have to, turn everything off before you get busy so you’re not tempted. You may want to even go so far as to turn off your phones so that no one can bother you while you enjoy some quiet time with your partner after an amazing orgasm or two.

Soap Down With An After-Sex Shower

You and your lover may both want to clean up after sex, but that doesn’t mean you have to make it all business and no fun. Shower sex is great, but you can make having a shower after sex just as much fun! Light some candles or use dimmer switches if you have them and create a little ambiance before you start the water. You can also use your favorite scented body wash or soap and make an event out of it.

Relish the feel of your partner’s skin underneath your hands as you lather up, taking special care of his package to show your partner how good it made you feel just minutes earlier. Wash each other’s hair, giving each other a nice scalp massage in the process. After your shower, put on some comfortable pajamas and head to bed. You’ll both feel amazing after having great sex, great orgasms, a long hot shower and slipping into something that feels nice!

Do A Reverse Strip Tease

After having morning sex, it’s often depressing to watch your partner put their clothes on to get ready for the day. Instead of letting it bum you out, give your partner a sexy, reverse strip tease by putting their clothes on for them. Slowly put your partner’s underwear and socks on, kissing their stomach and legs as you go.

Then, button his shirt up slowly, looking him directly in the eyes as you do it. Finish by putting on his tie for him. He’ll love feeling your hands all over him as you put his clothes on, and you’ll really make him feel like you love him. Make it even sexier by doing a reverse strip tease for him, by slowly putting your clothes on while he watches. Make sure it’s something sexy!

Have A Romantic Meal Afterwards

Most big dates are planned with the romantic dinner at the start of the date and sex afterwards. Instead of going the cliche route, mix it up a little by having sex first and then heading out (or staying in) for a romantic meal! It’s a great way to keep things fresh and exciting without going too far outside your box.

If you don’t feel like going out, order in your favorite meal and have it delivered (and eat it off each other if you like!) or serve something simple like wine and cheese or hors d’oeuvres. Top it off with a relaxing nightcap for the perfect evening!

Make Out

Making out is often what preludes sex, but why not make it the follow up event? Instead of simply going to sleep, heading off to work or doing other mundane things after having mind blowing sex with your lover, try spending several minutes just kissing him deeply and enjoying the feel of each other.

Part of what makes making out less fun when you’re in a relationship with someone is that you pretty much know where it’s going to lead. Pretty soon, you’ll feel a hand on your breast or butt and the game will be on. By making out with your lover after sex, you bring back the element of surprise that made just kissing so much fun when you and your partner first got together!

5 Ways To Re-Spark The Magic Back Into Your Relationship

Michael Webb — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 23:00:03 +0000

Are you frustrated that your relationship doesn’t have the magic and romance that it once had? Do you feel like you and your lover are stuck in a rut and always doing the same things?

You’re not alone. After dating someone for a long time, it’s easy to slip into a stable and comfortable routine. While this can be comforting, when it happens you often lose the spark that made your relationship so special in the first place. Does this mean you can’t ever get those special feelings back? Of course not. Here are five simple, fun and creative ways to reignite that magic.

Give Your Partner A Unique Gift

Name a star after your partner. A number of astronomical agencies allow individuals to name stars and you receive formal documentation identifying the star that you have named.

Or how about this: Give your partner a magic gift box, and every month place a new small gift in the box for your beloved to discover. Your partner will never know when there’s going to be something sweet and special for her to find!

Say “I Love You” In A Unique Way

Take a book that your partner is reading and, using a pencil, underline letters in a section of the book she has yet to read to spell out a secret message of “I love you” or an entire love letter. Doing it just like this. Or for something really unique: You can buy special plants that grow and after 14 days display a message of your choice on the leaf. Cool or what?!?

Start Going On Dates Again

One thing that separates couples with ‘out of this world’ relationships, is they never stop doing new, fun and exciting things with their partner. In other words, they never stop dating and neither should you.

Spend the day doing fun things: go to the carnival, the beach, have a water fight, stare at the clouds on a grassy hill, go on a picnic, walk in the rain without raincoats and umbrellas, dress up in funny costumes and hit the town.

Or how about this: Pick your partner up for a date and blindfold her before driving to a special destination. Try to make the destination something really unexpected like a table set up at the top of a cliff or a dinner on a boat or old-fashioned ship. It needs to be something that will have an impact when she removes the blindfold.

Believe me when I say that NOTHING can rekindle the love, passion and excitement in your relationship more than going on fun and creative dates together.

Have Sex Like The First Time

What was so great about the first time you and your partner had sex? What makes first time sex amazing is that everything is new and there’s no rush in discovering it. Everything is unexpected and surprising. Create that feeling again with your partner by focusing a lot more on foreplay and kissing.

After you’ve reached “home base” and have already had sex with your lover, that’s usually where you’re headed when you start getting intimate. However, when you and your partner first got together, there was no rush to get past giving your partner oral sex or receiving a blowjob in return because simply, that’s as far as you had gotten and you weren’t thinking about what was coming next.

Focusing a lot more on kissing and making out with your lover (as well as spending a lot more time on foreplay) will make her feel like you’re having sex for the first time again. Don’t assume that just because you’ve gotten to 4th base before that you will again. Treat each sensation as though it were all new all over again. Your lover will pick up on your attitude pretty quick!

Kiss Her Like You Don’t Have Anything Else On Your Mind

Sometimes kissing doesn’t have to lead to sex – in fact, kissing your partner should not lead to sex much more often than it does! If you’re holding out on kissing your lover until you’re ready to get it on, you may be robbing your relationship of the romance.

Kiss your partner just to kiss her – before she goes to work, when she gets home and before you go to bed. Make each kiss special and make her feel as though you have nothing more on your mind in that moment than how great it is to kiss her.

Top 3 Ways to Increase Romantic Intimacy

Lee Jenkins — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 23:00:41 +0000

Romance is an essential part of every relationship. While partners are very intimate during the first few months of relationship, they tend to slowly drift apart over time. The changes are too slight to be noticeable, but soon, you will find yourself wondering why your partner does not act playful around you anymore. Moreover, she may be dodging talks about having sex and comes up with so many excuses when you make it clear that you’re in the mood.

There are several ways to improve your intimacy, so don’t make an appointment with a therapist yet. Married or not, couples need to do something about their situation first before seeking the help of a pro.

Set a Cuddle Time

You girl might feel wary about sudden shows of intimacy, especially if she’s often not in the mood to make love. She might think that you’re just feeling horny, that’s why you’re extra sweet or extra touchy. Women feel pressured to perform, especially if they notice that you just want to do it for your own release, and you don’t seem to care whether or not she gets hers. In a long-term relationship, it gets more and more difficult to set the mood for love making, especially if you and your partner have issues.

What you can do is to be content with just cuddling. Ask her to just cuddle and fall asleep like that together. Doing this a few times will increase intimacy tremendously. Soon, she will start to relax and get rid of the thought that you’re cuddling her so that you can get some that night even if she isn’t in the mood. Soon, she will start to want it whenever you’re acting romantic.

If you cannot help but feel the urge while you’re cuddling, you can wedge a small pillow between your legs so that you’re not inadvertently poking her and destroying the mood in the process.

Be Sexually Honest

Sexual honesty means telling your partner that her technique is not bringing you closer to orgasm, but gently. Instead of doing a full critique of her blowjob technique, guide her hand or give her instructions then reward her with moans.

While it is in bad form to constantly ask your partner if what you’re doing feels good, you must listen to what her body is telling you. Don’t get caught up in the act and simply assuming that everything you do feels good.

Buy Each Other Underwear

One definitive proof that you’re intimate is if you give each other underwear. Say you passed by a nice shop and saw a good bikini-style undergarment that you think she will like. Encourage her to choose an intimate apparel for you when she asks you what you want for Christmas. Besides the fact that she’s likely to wear your gift and show you, the thought that you were picturing how she would look in it while you’re in the lingerie shop is sexy.

These tips are just hints on what intimate activities you can do together to improve your relationship. Intimacy is the foundation of a long-term love affair, so make sure you have a lot of it in your relationship.

Sex Tips For Women – How You Can Help Boost Your Man’s Confidence During Sex, Without Lying

Jessica Perez — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 22:00:22 +0000

A man’s sexual insecurities show up when he’s in bed with a new lover for the first time. Some guys think they have to show how creative and skilled they are so they think of different tricks to showcase their lovemaking know-how. They feel pressured. They are eager to please. They want to be your best lover ever.

Most of the time, women don’t have the heart to say “honey, you’re trying too hard” when he really does seem like he’s desperate to please his girl. In fact, telling him directly that you think he’s going overboard might make him feel that you’re not at all enjoying yourself no matter what he does.

A man doesn’t want to come across as boring or unskilled when he’s making love. To ease his anxiety (and to really enjoy yourself), boost his confidence and let him know that he’s doing great, without sounding fake.

5 Ways to Boost Your Man’s Confidence Without Lying

Keep Your Sense Of Humor

Show him how relaxed you are by reacting naturally when bloopers happen. Being too serious during sex will simply aggravate his already frayed nerves. Laughing good-naturedly when you hear strange sounds from your tummy or his will help him relax and be himself.

Encourage Him To Explore Your Body Without Rushing

Tell him to slow down by kissing him leisurely when he seems to be rushing. Take his hands and slide them over your body slowly so that he can really explore every inch of your body. Be patient and don’t rush him when he gets excited and starts kissing and licking your hot spots.

Moan

Stretching like a kitten and purring will encourage him to go further without feeling like he has to hurry. Verbally tell him to take his time and stroke his head, his hand or any part of his body that you can reach to encourage him more.

Touch Him

If you notice that he seems to be hiding some parts of his body with the blanket or the pillow, take note of that part and touch that spot frequently when it’s your turn to do the exploring. If he seems to be guiding your hands away from that spot, gently return to that spot when he’s more relaxed. Maybe he’s too embarrassed about his belly, or he secretly thinks his feet are too big.

Never, Ever Mention Size

Some men cannot get over their “penis size anxiety” and no matter how much you gush over how big he is or how stuffed you feel, he will still think you’re lying to make him feel better about not being big enough. Most guys won’t openly admit that they think they’re too small, so just don’t mention anything that pertains to the size of his member.

Here’s a final reminder for you…

Don’t let your own insecurities get the better of you during sex. Your man might misinterpret if you’re hesitant about letting him touch you somewhere on your body that you think is “too fleshy” or “too saggy.”

Relax and remember that sex is all about exploring your partner’s body, and pleasing each other honestly and sincerely.

Is Your Relationship Ready For Sex? Five Signs It’s Still Too Soon

Jessica Perez — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 22:00:21 +0000

Sex drive of men and women are similar. Regardless of what you’ve heard in the past, women are every bit as frisky as men. The only difference is that men are more aggressive about their needs than women. Society makes it seem like women are always more passive about the topic of sex compared to the male counterpart. Because both partners have a say when it comes to sex, and because the need to get intimate is roughly the same, the issue on deciding when to have sex should be settled after a long talk with your boyfriend.

But then the question is, ‘why should you wait to have sex?’

There are several factors that determine your relationship’s readiness for sex. These include the stability of your relationship, your confidence in your partner, your beliefs, your principles and your emotional concerns.

Here are some of the signs that it’s too soon to have sex.

You Lack Emotional Security

Are you the jealous type? If you are, then you might want to analyze your reasons for having sex. Some women think that giving it up too soon will create attachment in the guy. But more often than not, this isn’t the case. If you’re naturally possessive, you might find yourself at the bitter end of a bad dumping if you try to bind him to you through sex.

There Is A Need For Deeper Rapport

Sex can intensify love, if love is present before you went for it. It can also intensify dislike if you did not care for each other deeply enough when you had sex. If your first time with a guy was horrible, you’re more likely to dump him (or get dumped) if the sex happened before you developed the necessary closeness that defines a loving relationship. Look, sex can be great, and it can also be lousy. How deeply you care about your partner determines whether or not you will give up on him as your lover just because he failed to satisfy you. And, unfortunately for you, he’s most likely thinking of the same thing.

You Still Don’t Know Much About Your Partner

Is he the type that tells the whole neighborhood or his friends about your first night? If you don’t know the answer to that, then you might want to steer clear of more intimate activities until you’re completely sure about his real personality.

One Wants It More Than The Other

One sign that you’re not on the same page is if you are ready for sex and he isn’t, or vice versa. Going for it when you’re not 100% sure you want to take the plunge is a mistake. At the same time, your guy might have his reasons for not initiating sex with you yet, so don’t force the issue.

You’re Uncomfortable About It

If you get ahead of yourself and give in to the need to have sex, you might regret it later if you were initially not convinced that you want to open yourself up sexually to the guy. Sex makes you vulnerable emotionally, and if you’re really not ready, don’t have sex yet. There may be couples who became intimate immediately after their first meeting and are still in beautiful relationships after several years, but there are also couples who broke up not long after their first time. The point is that sex is a risk. You have to consider everything, including your feelings and his, before you go for it.

Relationship Wisdom From The Most Popular Sex Advice Book

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 21:00:11 +0000

When I was seventeen, the United States was experiencing its least amount of sexual innocence in its history. That was in 1977. The pendulum swing away from sexual innocence and naiveté is still swinging wide.

Back then I had questions about sex and sexuality that my mother appreciated but did not really want to answer! She suggested I read the book Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask. She said she would buy it for me. Ever the independent individual, I chose to buy it for myself. Man! I consumed that book faster than any other book I’d ever read. It really did answer the questions I could not get answered any other way without going blindly along creating experiences for myself that may or may not have been in my best interest. I got to come into my own sexuality, armed with information that helped me make good choices for myself.

Good Relationship Advice From A Sex Book?

Not too long ago, I heard someone belittle Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid To Ask. I disagree with that. Obviously, no matter how sexually free we think we are, we still have questions about sex that we are afraid to ask. If that were not true, AskDanandJennifer.com wouldn’t exist!

I will share with you the one thing the critics pulled out of the book and made fun of because it is rather humorous. It also suggests something about loving another person at either the beginning of or well inside a relationship with him or her that is deeper than the superficial advice the author gives.

Toward the end of the book, he has suggestions for reeling in the man of your dreams. One suggestion is that the way to subliminally suggest to a man that you are the woman for him is to fix him a home cooked meal and with it serve either milk or beer. The milk (or beer) will remind him of mother’s milk and create a sense of bonding from him to you. As I write this I am laughing, even though thirty-one years ago I latched onto it as if it were a golden nugget of advice!

And now, as an expert on the romantic challenges of mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, I would never suggest to anyone that you remind the person you are attracted to of mother’s milk as a means to his or her heart. However, I do like what the advice implies, even if I’m stretching a wee bit here.

Creating Co-Dependence Or True Love?

When you are dating, first in love, or in a solid relationship, make a habit of making “it” be about the other person instead of yourself. Whatever “it” may be: a meal, the conversation, the movie choice, the favorite series on TV choice, whose family to spend or not spend the holiday with, how to roll up the toothpaste tube, etc. Making everything about the other person isn’t wise. That creates co-dependence even in the most diligent person if he or she is on the receiving end of that much selflessness.

Sometimes, though, it is just so great to be in love and have the feeling and commitment (or potential commitment) returned that we feel like we have come home to the one person who loves everything about us. Who will listen forever and give us good strokes and lift us up when we’re down! And if you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, there are still those moments when you say something so profound and find it appreciated so greatly that you’re thrown right back into that space of, “I am loved! It’s all about me! He/she thinks I’m precious! Wah-hooooo!”

What Really Makes A Difference

Ideally, feeling that completely loved is a true experience. However, that level of interest doesn’t last. And that’s OK. There is intimacy, vulnerability, and deep love in the experience of give and take. Turning your attention off yourself and giving the spotlight to him or her renews the love and passion in your relationships. And if you are just beginning to date or newly in love, it sends a big message as to the kind of life time mate you have the potential to be for him or her.

I don’t know if giving a man a glass of milk or a beer makes a difference in his psyche, causing you to stand out from the rest of the women in his life. But being genuinely interested and invested in him can make a difference. With whatever manipulative technique folks are sharing with men for how to snare a woman, it may or may not work. But being genuinely interested and invested in her can make a difference.

Sex: The Ultimate Stress-Buster

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:13:40 +0000

What’s free, fun, and the ultimate way to beat stress? Sex of course! This is especially good news in a downward spiraling economy where people find themselves under more pressure, and often with less money. Sex is a great way to break through a stressful run and – perhaps best of all – it’s free.

It’s all about the endorphins. Even a 20 second kiss or hug raises your endorphin levels, and re-affirming your connection with your loved one is a guaranteed tension reducer. But why stop there? Having sex releases more calming hormones than any other type of pre-cursor (i.e., a kiss or hug).

It’s A Human Need

Everyone has a bio-chemical craving for connection, a theory I developed and talk about in Financial Infidelity. We’re all – to a certain extent – driven by the need for that dopamine high we get when we engage in pleasurable – and sometimes risky – behavior. In relation to fidelity, this is what can lead to spending money behind a partner’s back, or conducting an illicit affair. But the good news is you don’t have to seek out these risky behaviors in order to find that high.

Sex with your partner is another, much less risky way to fulfill your need for connection and get the high you’re looking for. Because your actions leading up to sex release endorphins, and the act of sex itself facilitates calming hormones, you’ll end up feeling much better. Sure, the more stressed out you are, the busier you are, and the less likely you are to focus a great amount of energy and thought into the necessity of sex. But I would argue that in stressful, unstable times, sex IS a necessity, as it does much more than simply work to our advantage scientifically.

Why Sex Is So Important In A Relationship

You probably don’t need me telling you all the psychological and financial benefits of having sex. Of course it’s also an important, crucial way to connect and unwind with your partner. During stressful times it can be hard to squeeze in even something enjoyable like sex. Stress typically doesn’t do a lot to put someone “in the mood,” but that’s why it’s even more important to make time for it. Sex is an integral part of a relationship and aside from the proven mental and physical benefits, it’s emotionally beneficial as well. Staying close and connected to someone important in your life during times of great stress is a must. It helps you stay grounded, and re-establishes important relational bonds.

The importance of sex – both emotionally and psychologically – is something we should bear in mind regardless of the economic climate. Connecting with our partners is crucial to a healthy relationship as well as a healthy mind and body. And considering sex is enjoyable, it’s something good you can do for yourself that should be relatively easy.

What is Sex Honesty to Me?

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 01:00:09 +0000

When Dan asked me to be a part of their new site, I began to think about what sex honesty means to me, and how I think it can help so many people out there. My first thought was, “you can’t have safe sex without honesty, and you can’t have honesty without safe sex.” Let me break that down.

What Exactly Is Safe Sex?

Safe sex doesn’t just have to mean protected sex with a condom or some sort of birth control – although that’s crucially important as well, in most cases! Safe sex should also mean intimacy with your partner, trust in your partner and in your relationship, and commitment to each other. You can’t have all these things – what I would deem as the broader definition of “safe sex” – without having honesty in a relationship. If you don’t know that your significant other is going to be honest with you, how can you trust them? How can you have true intimacy? How can you really commit to a person or a relationship if you’re not even sure what that relationship encompasses, or who that person is. Therefore, you can’t have safe sex without honesty.

In a sexual relationship, the converse is also true: you can’t have honesty without safe sex. Using the broader definition of safe sex – one that encompasses intimacy, trust and commitment – you’ll find that all these components must be present in order for honesty to factor into the equation. If you remove one of them, it becomes much harder to be honest. Sex honesty is an inter-connected idea, a cycle that must be maintained by both people in order to have a healthy relationship. Since you can’t have safe sex without honesty, and you can’t have honesty without safe sex, a couple has to work on making sure that both honesty and the components of safe sex are present in their relationship. That doesn’t mean that everything is going to be in perfect balance all the time, but learning to identify the deficits that may arise in these areas can go a long way towards insuring a healthier, “safer” sex life, and a more fulfilling, honest relationship.

Having Sex - More Than What Meets The Eye

This is also why I think having sex with someone should be more than a spontaneous decisions. It’s hard to be honest with someone you don’t know very well and therefore it’s difficult to have a truly honest, sexual relationship with that person. This, I believe, is often why casual sex doesn’t work out to the benefit of both people involved. Sex should be something that’s arrived at through intimacy, trust, commitment and honesty. By skipping those steps, you’re selling yourself and your relationship short.

Additionally, honesty in a relationship means fidelity – sexually, financially, and emotionally. I talk about putting relationships back together in my books “Adultery, the Forgivable Sin,” and Can we Cure and Forgive Adultery?” and highlight the idea that monogamy is a conscience decision. Fidelity – in its various forms – is a decision you make to stay honest in your relationship. Fidelity, honesty, sex, and finances are all inter-connected. In a healthy relationship this can be a great thing!

So, to make a short story long, I would answer that sex honesty to me is the culmination of intimacy, trust and commitment – all which ideally lead to fidelity and fulfillment in a relationship!

Do You Have Both Feet in Your Relationship?

Wendy Strgar — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:49:29 +0000

Although I don’t remember the exact day that I pulled the one foot that I had out the door back into my marriage, today, celebrating 24 years of marriage, I can’t remember the last time that it occurred to me that I would ever leave.

It seems like I should remember when that change took place as it so profoundly changed the very fabric of what we were doing together, but like most things in life that are daily, we don’t see them as they are happening. They are clear as we look back.

The Not So Fairy Tale Marriage

We never had a fairy tale marriage, and in fact anyone who claims to have one is probably either not really present or honest. Our love for each other was uneven and the common issues of attraction and initiation- who wanted who, first and more, plagued our ability to connect for years.

The classic, “I am not in the mood” or “I am tired” responses create a cycle of defensive and offensive reactions that is almost like a pre-patterned dance. It’s a scenario that many couples just don’t have enough language to find their way out of.

In hindsight, I know now, that there is no winning side to that argument, but whichever side is your familiar view can color your lens so completely that the other side seems like a holiday. The shame of rejection is really no better than the guilt of turning away.

The pain is equal. I have read that the rejecting partner is the more powerful of the two, but having been on both sides, I don’t think its true- both sides make you unable to connect and leave you feeling equally powerless in having the relationship that you really want.

Choosing The Relationship

Two things transpired in my marriage to lift this issue and allow us to experience sexual desire with out the burden of fear and unmet longing. The first one was choosing my relationship without reservation. Being in my marriage with both feet in the door,

I had a lot more balance and flexibility that gave me more room and ease in dealing with the issues that kept me distant and disconnected. When I gave myself permission to truly stay, to not be looking for the reasons to leave, it changed my relationship to both the issues and my husband.

Finding True Forgiveness

True forgiveness is when you have no memory of how it was before. The past loses its grip on your memory and suddenly there is room for a new way of relating. It’s an odd phenomenon because it isn’t an experience that you can will to happen, it is something that happens to you, seemingly without you- when you have an open heart and a true intent to find what there is to stay for.

Choosing to stay in a relationship is tied to the belief in the power of forgiveness to change life completely. It is the singular pathway we have at our disposal to make things new between people. Having an excellent memory and needing to be right are not helpful in developing this quality in your life.

Be Respectful To One Another

The other important agreement we made was to stop saying anything mean or disrespectful to each other. Couples often have subtle sarcasm, jokes that aren’t really jokes that pepper a conversation and slowly but surely eat away at the positive feelings between them.

Taking note of how often we might say things to our partner that we would never utter to a friend or even a stranger might surprise you. Becoming conscious of the words we use in our daily relating is the door to making a partnership safe.

With practice, the hurtful ways we communicated were planted over by the two of us actively trying to stay. Over time, even the negative unspoken thoughts we were trying not to say were replaced with small kindnesses. Connection happens by itself when we feel safe.

A Whole New Life

Then seemingly suddenly, we began exploring our intimate life with a whole new curiosity and openness. Our sex life became the glue to hold the rest of the more challenging places together. The safer I felt in the relationship, the more risks I could take in the bedroom.

The more our physical love flourished, the more that our relationship thrived. There are still times when one of us, might not feel in the mood when the other does, but now it doesn’t mean anything more than what it is, bad timing.

Although it took us years to get here, sharing the kind of deep intimacy which is the reward for all the communication work that you put into years together is an extraordinary blessing. There is nothing like the “take your breath away” power of loving someone who loves you back, with their eyes wide open. There is no place in life that is more satisfying, healing and transforming.

How To Give A Terrific Breast Massage

Maya Silverman — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 17:00:04 +0000

The eternal fascination for most men, and indeed many women, the breasts, can be an incredibly neglected and forgotten area in the realm of Tantric pleasure and touch.

Think about it. If you’re a man reading this, how much time do you lavish on her breasts?

Do You Have Tunnel Vision With Women’s Breasts?

The ‘Tunnel Vision’ approach assumes that a woman’s breasts are always ripe and ready for a bit of manual molding. Nothing could be further from the truth. The breasts and its many parts are very sensitive, and only a lover with a slow hand can truly appreciate them in full majestic glory.

Structurally they are made up of fibrous connective tissue and a layer of fat tissue. They are rich in blood and lymph vessels, hence the importance of massage in maintaining good circulatory flow of blood, lymph (tissue fluid) and sexual energy.

Perhaps more importantly the breasts are symbolic of a woman’s emotional center, healing and nurturing. By neglecting these lovelies, you fail to acknowledge an incredibly important part of the feminine mystique.

The Kama Sutra On Foreplay And Breast Plat

The Kama Sutra refers to the importance of foreplay and breast play:

“Ardent young men, do not neglect the preliminaries! Endeavor to satisfy your mistress. Listen to her desires. Some men, carried away by the power of their desire, forget the prelude, only to be surprised when they are pushed away later! Yet it is such a delight to kiss, to caress, to nibble one another…

To explore with your hand or your mouth her body, her breasts, her neck, her belly, down to her innermost curves. Fulfilled, the beloved shall return these kisses and caresses wholeheartedly. No part of the beloved’s body should be neglected. Her lover shall make it his duty to discover them, to reveal to his mistress all the pleasure she can receive from them.”

Tantric breast massage is an incredible gift with which to lavish unbridled attention on your lover. Pleasure, better circulation, toning, and nurturing are all aspects of the massage.

The Kama Sutra mentions key areas on the female body sensitive to kissing:

neck
forehead
cheeks
eyes
breasts
lips
palate inside the mouth (not sure how this works!)

Prepare Your Sensual Environment

Prepare your sensual environment with soothing music, dimmed lighting, perfumed candles and make sure the room is warm and visually inviting. Introduce items of spiritual or personal significance such as flowers, favorite nibbles, a photo – whatever works for you and your lover.

Begin by covering your lover with a sheet or towel so that she does not get cold. Rest one hand on her heart and the other on her yoni and visualize warm heart energy moving from your heart into your hands and down towards your lover’s heart and yoni. This is a very relaxing, healing, connecting and balancing visualization to use before launching into the breast massage.

Beginning the Breast Massage

Pour the warmed oils into your hands. Rub your hands together so as to spread the oil, and now place your hands on each of the breasts. Always massage slowly and gently up towards the heart, your right hand moving in a clockwise direction, and your left hand moving in a counter clockwise direction.

Massage from the outer edge of the breast inwards, but avoid the nipples until after at least 15 – 20minutes of breast stimulation. Don’t forget the skin above the breast (check area under the collar bone, as well as the skin under the breasts – two very sensitive areas).

Focus Your Attention One Breast At A Time

Now focus your attention on one breast at a time.

Place on hand lightly on the upper half of the breast, applying gentle pressure with the other hand again moving the hand in circular sweeps from the outer breasts in toward the nipples. Continue for a further 20minutes or more.

End the breast massage as you began, placing one hand on her heart and the other on her yoni. Visualize healing heart energy entering your lover and breathe slowly and deeply together for a few minutes. Allow her to rest.

If you’re not in a relationship, or just welcome the opportunity to nurture yourself and body, why not take the time to give yourself a great tantric and sensual breast massage. Once again, don’t be tempted to cut corners, take the time to create a sensual and erotic environment, dress to kill, get out your favorite relaxing music, perfumed candles, lie back and enjoy!

Love, Sex, and Dating 2008 – The Best of Dan and Jennifer

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:55:32 +0000

Just in case you missed any of the excitement this year, here’s a wrap of 2008!

I’m including our best, most talked about, and most controversial love, sex, and dating topics of the year.

Enjoy!

Love & Relationships

Sex & Intimacy

Singles & Dating

Men Are from Way Farther Away Than Mars!

Maia Berens — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:06:13 +0000

Many of you probably have read the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and many of the rest you have heard things about it if you haven’t read it. Well, I didn’t write it.

But I worked with John Gray for 18 years, wrote workshops and a training based on the Mars Venus stuff and trained over 500 speakers and therapists on how to give those workshops. So I should know about men, right? Well, I know some things about men.

In order to feel loved in a relationship, men need to be trusted. Men need to be accepted the way they are. They don’t want you to try to change them. Men want to be appreciated for what they do.

They also want to be admired, to be regarded by their partner with “wonder, delight and pleased approval”. Men also need encouragement so that they become hopeful and courageous to go out and do what they do all over again even when it’s hard.

This is all vintage Mars Venus. You may not agree but the expert says so and the following are how I observe this to be true about the man I live with all these years:

Men Need to be Trusted

One of the most hurtful things I can do is not trust my husband. When he does his household disappearing act like leave, say nothing to me that he’s leaving or where he’s going, he is disturbed by my not trusting that if he were going some place for long or really away, he’d tell me.

After all, he just went to the car for twenty minutes. I shouldn’t be worried that he died somewhere or was captured by other Martians.

Men Need to be Accepted the Way They Are

Now I’m a woman and if my husband tells me lovingly that when we are with other people, I sometimes (or often) interrupt him or finish his sentences and we could have a signal so I know when I’m doing it, that’s cool. I don’t mind. He’s right. I don’t want to be the person who does that.

But in his case, he’d rather I tell him how what he does affects me and trust that he’ll make his own improvements. He doesn’t want me to tell him what to do or how to do it.

Men Want to be Appreciated and Admired for What They Do

My love in the form of appreciation and admiration has helped my partner grow from a shy, somewhat timid man, to an outward-going yet quiet type with lots of inner confidence.

I know because he’s told me. I don’t think it would have worked this way if it weren’t truly authentic on my part. I do admire and appreciate a zillion things about him. It’s funny. Admiration alone leaves me feeling a little empty or needing something else. I seem to need his commitment and respect. Those are totally satisfying to my inner self.

Men Need Encouragement

When my ex- used to come to me for encouragement, I basically wanted to kill him. He was mean and ugly a good deal of the time and then it seemed he wanted me to be a good and kind mother. I wasn’t happy about that at all. Whereas when my current husband is low, I find it easy, most of the time, to offer encouragement and, amazingly, it usually works for him.

Men and Their Caves

John Gray also says men like to go to their caves. This was truer in the beginning of our relationship and I’m grateful I knew “men go to their caves”. Maybe the cave has changed but it doesn’t look like it used to. It used to look like hours alone or away.

Now reading without interruption seems to do it for my husband. I’m not sure why it’s become different. I have a suspicion that it’s because he now knows I trust him to leave the cave and I don’t have to try to break my way in to get him to come out.

Why Men Are Further Away Than Mars

If I agree with all this Mars Venus philosophy, why do I say, “Men are from way farther away than Mars”? Because sometimes I cannot understand his thinking, his worldview and the way it must be inside the being of a man.

For example, I knew my husband for probably 20 years, our relationship has a very high level and amount of communication and he, shockingly, one day revealed that he believed in capital punishment!

How can a man who is, like me, peaceful to the point of believing in the possibility of world peace and who is nice and friendly to my ex-, who has liberal views on most anything else still believe in capital punishment?

Another example: say he thinks he’s coming down with a cold. He has lots of sick days. Why does he persist in going to work anyway? It isn’t because he doesn’t take good care of himself. He exercises.

He eats healthy. But he will just muscle through until he can’t stand up any more. And I don’t get martyr vibes from him either. I just don’t’ get that. If I feel sick, which isn’t often nor am I wimpy about it, I lie down. If I muscled through, I would definitely feel like a sacrificial victim. Under those circumstances, I do what I have to but not a drop more.

Since women can’t see the world through the eyes of a man and men can’t view the world through the eyes of woman, my husband and I have both been known to marvel that any relationship ever works, anywhere, any time!

I’m Leaving You! Does The Punishment Really Fit The Crime?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:04:40 +0000

If you’ve been in a relationship where you or your partner threaten to leave or end the relationship when you’re angry, you’re not alone. In reality, this is often something people do out of frustration and desperation.

You may not be planning to leave or end the relationship at all, even though you’re angry now.

What causes you to act so extreme?

Feeling Out Of Control

It’s easy for someone to feel out of control in a situation like that. One partner gets upset, the other gets upset and it goes back and forth, escalating until one or both partners feel completely out of control.

Being extremely angry at your partner can make you feel lost and helpless, and an escalating argument doesn’t help the situation any at all. It simply gets to a point where you feel so out of control of the situation that you want to say something, anything, to gain some control again over what is happening.

Threatening to leave or end the relationship puts you back in control and puts the ball back in your court. Your partner may say, “Fine, leave,” however this simply puts you back in the position of feeling out of control.

Arguments between couples often go on and on like this, until one or both partners get enough time and space to resolve the original argument. It might be difficult at that point, however, to even remember what the original argument was about!

Where Does It Come From?

Acting out in this way when you’re having an argument with your significant other really is a primal instinct. It comes out of fear, desperation and frustration. You’re desperate to gain control over the situation and you’re upset and frustrated that you’re even getting to this point in the first place.

You want something you say to make an impact, and in the heat of the moment, the phrase, “I’m leaving” may be the only one that seems it will make a difference. If you find yourself in this situation, you’re definitely not alone.

If You’re The Partner

If you’re the partner of someone who is threatening to leave, realize where this is coming from. Your partner is just hurt, frustrated and desperate. They’re probably not planning to leave nor did they even think about doing so before the argument happened.

It’s difficult not to react strongly to something like this, but if you stop for a moment and realize why your partner is actually acting this way, it might make it easier for you to understand that your partner probably doesn’t really mean anything by it.

Even though you might be angry at this point, it’s important to assure your partner that you’re in the relationship because you want to be, and you don’t want to see it end anytime soon. It’s important at this point that your partner knows you would care should the relationship end!

Expressing this to your partner can bring them down a notch from where they are in their frustration and probably help the argument to stop escalating. Then you can really sit down and discuss what is upsetting you and what the problem is, and begin working towards a solid solution.

Why Have I Lost All Interest In Having Sex?

Melody Brooke — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 21:11:38 +0000

Losing interest in sex when you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, and even if you haven’t, can be frustrating and even embarrassing. You want to experience your partner intimately and of course, your partner does too!

If you’ve lost interest in sex, how can you find out what is behind it? What can you and your partner do?

Why am I no longer interested in having sex with my husband?

Physical Reasons

There are a multitude of reasons that a woman, or a man, can lose interest in having sex with their partner. The first issue to explore is if there’s a physical reason for this.

For example, if a woman’s testosterone level is low, she may lose interest in sexual activity. The first thing you’ll want to do if you’ve stopped finding sex enjoyable is to check with your doctor.

Emotional Reasons

Many women and men suffer physical, emotional and sexual abuse as children and even as adults. Even if these issues are past, they can affect how you feel about sex and intimacy in the here and now.

You might not even realize it! If you’ve suffered any kind of abuse and you think it’s possible that the emotional after effects of it could be affecting your relationship and your sex life, it’s time to bring in a professional.

Talk to a therapist or a counselor. They can definitely give you the tools you need to push past these emotional issues and get your sex life back on track.

Life Balance

In today’s busy world, it’s common for both men and women to get up at five or six in the morning to get the kids ready for school and go to work, and not hit the sack until it’s 11:00 or 12:00 at night. That’s quite a long day!

It’s really no surprise that by the time you and your partner crawl into bed after a hard, busy day that you would have no interest in sex. Work on your life balance and find ways to rest and relax so you can recharge your batteries.

Get a little more sleep and maybe give up an activity or two that isn’t necessary. Work together with your partner to make these changes so that you both have the energy to experience each other sexually.

Discord With Your Partner

If you’ve been with your partner for awhile, and in some cases if you’re in a new relationship, you might not be feeling emotionally safe or connected with them. Contrary to popular belief, sex and intimacy has everything to do with feeling emotionally connected and safe with someone.

If you don’t feel connected and safe, it’s likely that you’re not going to be interested in sharing yourself sexually. You can help bring your relationship together so you can have a better sex life by doing a number of things. If your relationship is really distant, you can consider seeing a relationship counselor or a therapist.

You can also start by talking to your partner and sharing yourself with them. Take time out of your day for each other! You’d be surprised at how many men and women feel like they’re roommates rather than partners with their partner after awhile. Taking time out to spend with each other is something that can really help bring you together sexually later on.

Why Don’t We Ever Make Love Anymore?

Dr. Margaret Paul — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 19:41:36 +0000

I cannot tell you how often couples complain to me that they rarely make love. These are generally people who love each other, who enjoy being together and often have fun with each other. Yet they don’t have sex. Why does this happen so often?

Sexual arousal, especially for most women, comes from emotional intimacy and connection. While many men can have sex purely from physical desire, many women need emotional intimacy and connection to feel physical desire. While many men might love it if their wife would suddenly start to fondle their penis, many women feel violated when their husband grabs their breasts, crotch, or butt.

Gender Differences About Touch

I often hear from the woman I work with, “I just feel groped and disgusted when my husband grabs my breasts. Why doesn’t that turn me on? Is there something wrong with me?”

Many women do not feel drawn to touch or be touched in a sexual way until the feeling of love is flowing between them and their partner. Yet women have been trained to believe that they should respond sexually in the same way men do, and often feel inadequate when they do not feel turned on by the things that turn on men.

Hazel and Daniel were struggling with this issue of lack of sexuality. Just before their counseling session with me, they had a fight because Daniel fondled Hazel’s breasts while she was dressing in the morning, and then got angry when she didn’t like it.

Hazel had often expressed to Daniel that what turned her on was the deep kissing that resulted from emotional intimacy. Yet, even though Daniel said he wanted to make love, he would not intimately kiss Hazel.

Why?

As we explored the issue, it became apparent that neither Hazel nor Daniel felt safe with intimacy. While they loved each other, their fears of rejection and engulfment made them feel unsafe with each other.

When Hazel got critical, Daniel took it personally, and was unable to set loving limits against being controlled by Hazel. He would get angry and withdrawn, which would trigger Hazel’s fears of rejection.

Both Hazel and Daniel were afraid that if they were emotionally intimate, they would give themselves up to avoid rejection. Keeping the emotional distance felt safer than risking losing themselves or losing the other if they did not give themselves up. Yet sexuality could not flow without the loving feelings that come from emotional intimacy.

Be Conscious Of Your Intent

The problem was that neither Hazel nor Daniel were conscious of their intent most of the time. In most of their interactions, both of them were unconsciously protecting themselves from rejection or engulfment, rather than consciously thinking about what would be loving to themselves and each other.

Because their intent was to protect themselves, they were often trying to control how the other felt about them while at the same time protecting against being controlled.

Each would respond to the other’s rejecting behavior with their own rejecting behavior, anger, criticalness, blame, withdrawal, resistance. Each would attempt to control how the other felt about them by not telling their truth, not taking loving care of themselves.

Each were handing the responsibility for their feelings to the other and then getting upset when the other did not do what they wanted. Neither were showing up as loving adults to take care of their own feeling in loving ways.

Relationship Safety

While it may seem roundabout to deal with a lack of lovemaking by focusing on one’s intent, this is exactly what needs to happen.

Until both Hazel and Daniel become conscious of their intent and start to choose the intent to learn about loving themselves, instead unconsciously choosing the intent to protect/control, they will not create the inner safety necessary for intimacy. Until they practice taking personal responsibility for their own feelings, they will continue to fear rejection and engulfment and protect against it.

You cannot have the joy of sharing love and passion while protecting against loss of self and loss of other. Love and passion do not flow when you are trying to control and not be controlled. As long as protecting against rejection and engulfment is more important than loving yourself, you will not create the inner safety necessary to create relationship safety.

Relationship safety creates the arena for love and intimacy to flow, leading to the physical sharing of love that occurs when people are deeply connected.

You cannot change what you do not know you are doing. When noticing your intention, to protect/control or to learn about loving yourself and your partner, becomes your highest priority, you will begin the process of healing your sex life.

How To Achieve Emotional And Sexual Intimacy In Your Relationship

Nick Arrizza MD — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 11:15:05 +0000

To know and experience each other fully is the most effective way to keep the bonds of understanding, love and empathy alive and strong. This is the glue that keeps a relationship intact. Without it, it will eventually fall apart.

So what do I mean by emotional and/or sexual intimacy and how can one nurture such experiences?

Intimacy is not necessarily sex

Well, intimacy is often colloquially thought of as simply “having sex” by some. This is not what I mean here.

By intimacy I am referring to one’s ability to be open to one’s own inner feelings and then be able to share such experiences with one’s partner freely and without fear of any kind.

You see intimacy is about letting yourself be fully known to yourself and to your partner.

Unfortunately this is easier said than done for many individuals because most have been conditioned to suppress, hide, denigrate, or make unconscious much of one’s inner emotional life.

That is largely because the societal norms which continue to be perpetuated see feelings and emotions as dangerous, untrustworthy, illogical, painful, impulsive, etc.

Well, this is a sad state of affairs because emotions and feelings are what make you and me human beings.

What happens when we shut down

So by shutting down this part of one’s life experience one is essentially making one’s self less than a whole human being. That means that while in a relationship you are not fully present as your complete self.

Of course at some level your partner will eventually recognize this and feel like he/she is not fulfilled because he/she is not having a relationship with a whole human being.

It’s at times like this that individuals start feeling dissatisfied with their relationship and hence start looking elsewhere for happiness. No wonder so many relationships end for this reason.

The ability to nurture a bond of intimacy starts only when each individual starts to take personal responsibility for allowing their inner emotional life to emerge. First to themselves and then to their partner.

As I said earlier this self revelation can be a scary one for many because allowing this emotional life to emerge often means allowing unresolved emotional pain to come to the surface of one’s experience. This can make an individual feel inadequate, guilty, sad, depressed, anxious, angry, hurt, tired, etc.

The tendency might be to attempt to numb the emotional pain through drugs, alcohol, sex, work, and other distractions. Again this leads to individuals simply acting out a stale relationship with little depth and or awareness of self or other.

Sooner or later this will declare itself as unsatisfying and each partner will be on the look out for something else.

Nurturing intimacy

In order to nurture intimacy each individual must begin to invite their deeper emotional life into the relationship so that they can be fully known.

I have worked with individuals for over 15 years with a modality called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP) that allows one to quickly, easily and painlessly allow such personal and interpersonal growth to occur.

With respect to the issue of sexual intimacy I will add that one must be fully present (i.e. sexually, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) in order to achieve it.

In other words it is contingent on each partner allowing their entire Self to emerge in love, self acceptance and without fear.

So if you’ve followed me so far I think you’ve recognized that intimacy is as much about knowing yourself as it is about knowing your partner.

Five Tips for Creating Soulful Intimacy In Your Relationship

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 15:35:16 +0000

There are times in life when we experience intimacy in natural, spontaneous ways. Consider love at first glance.

Someone who was a stranger is now in your life 24/7 and crazy about you! Suddenly, parts of your life that were private are now on display to the one you love but with whom love hasn’t been tested.

For instance, putting potato chips on your sandwich in front of him or her makes you feel awkward with the intimacy of the exposure of a funny, little detail of your life! The first time you get naked together makes you tingle all over from the vulnerability. Intimacy that is the result of love at first glance is easy.

It is when we have been in love for a while that we need to turn our attention once again to intimacy. We can create the kind of intimacy that will set our souls aflame! Following are five tips for creating soulful intimacy.

Speak and listen in a new way

Men and women communicate differently. Men like to get right to the point; therefore, they only have so much time and attention when it comes to listening. They want you to get to the point! Women, on the other hand, like to share nuances of insights and feelings when they communicate. Getting to the point for a woman might take several meandering twists and turns first.

One way to create soulful intimacy is to speak and listen in such a way that your partner feels seen and heard. When a woman gets right to the point, her man hears her in a completely new way, which is gratifying for both of them! When she listens with focused attention, he feels heard and appreciates this.

When he listens to her meandering thoughts and expressed feelings, she feels cherished. When he takes the risk to speak of his feelings, philosophy, and personal experience, she feels honored.

Without trying to morph into the opposite sex’s viewpoint, just every once in a while speak and listen the way he or she does. As simple as it sounds, doing so will make you feel you are taking one of those risks that makes you feel the kind of vulnerability that creates a fresh spurt of intimacy in the air between you.

Get imaginative with touch

Think of times when you are together on a regular basis other than when you are making love. Watching television together, preparing a meal, grocery shopping…things like this.

Consider where you might touch your lover in a place that usually goes ignored. The inside of the arm, neck, ears, and small of the back are possibilities. Perhaps it has just been too long since you were in the habit of resting your hands on each other’s thighs when sitting together.

Make a habit of reaching over and touching each other in ways that communicate, “You are my beloved, I am yours, and that is wonderful.” Always take a moment or two and be present with your touch. Look at him or her and feel your love and appreciation for the privilege of loving each other.

Lighten up and have fun

If life has been weighing on you and making you far too serious too much of the time, find things for you and your lover to laugh about. Learning to laugh at yourself, admitting to your flaws in humorous ways, acknowledges the fact that the two of share intimate knowledge of one another that goes beyond the physical. It heightens your sense of togetherness.

Be sensitive, though. Be sure to laugh with your partner, not at them. Invite their compassion, not their competitive edge.

Find reasons to genuinely appreciate your lover’s extended family

Perhaps it is so that we will move out there and start our own families, but most people have a difficult time dealing with each other’s extended family members. An easy and even lazy way for couples to create intimacy is to gossip and put down their own and each other’s family members.

A better way is to discover what you can truly appreciate in at least one member of your lover’s extended family and communicate that to your lover and the family member. When you genuinely care for those he or she loves, your lover feels appreciated too. Whenever we feel seen or appreciated, soulful intimacy grows.

Be present for sights, sounds, scents, tastes, and textures

When you are in that love at first glance relationship, everything about your lover is new, mysterious, and desirable.

The way his skin tastes, the scent of her body, the curve of her hips, the light in his hair, the way her pinky toe lies at a different angle from the rest, and his “innie” belly button are just a few of many things that capture the attention, the heart, and the kundalini! With all your senses heightened, you are present for everything.

In the beginning, it can be overwhelming. As time goes on, it can seem to disappear forever. It doesn’t have to.

Simply be present the next time she undresses in front of you and let yourself relish how you admire her beauty. Be present the next time he gets out of the shower and relish how you admire all his masculine features. Breathe softly through your mouth and feel your body relax and open to your lover.

When you practice just these five tips for creating soulful intimacy (not to mention the many more your own imagination can discover), closing the gap for even greater physical intimacy is sure to follow!

Afraid To Talk To Your Partner? Here’s a Step By Step Guide to Overcoming Your Fears…

Nick Arrizza MD — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 13:53:15 +0000

Certainly love means many things but one of the critical components is the ability to be courageous and indeed honest in your communications with your partner.

This is perhaps one of the most difficult of tasks because of the many fears that step in one’s way. It may not seem surprising that these fears are also those that eventually spell the demise of a relationship.

So what are some of these fears and how does one transcend them in order to establish a healthy and truly loving relationship?

Fears in Communication

First the fears; they include such things as:

I fear I will be rejected if I speak my truth to my partner.
I fear I will hurt my partner with my truth.
I fear I will feel guilty and be unable to forgive myself.
I fear I will have to justify my feelings or beliefs to my partner.
I fear my partner may get angry with me.

Clearly capitulating to such fears means suppressing your own truth. That is accompanied with feelings of frustration, dishonesty, needing to constantly be on guard that one’s truth is kept under control, and a decreasing degree of true intimacy.

It may also lead to feelings of becoming emotionally and sexually distant from one’s partner, possibly the sharing of such information with third parties in order to vent one’s frustrations, sexual affairs and so on.

The tendency for all of these is to undermine the relationship anyway.

So if you’re feeling caught between the proverbial “rock and the hard place” how does one find a way to nurture a truly healthy, loving and sustainable relationship? Well, to summon up the courage to be honest and truthful when the circumstances call for it!

Summoning Up the Courage to Communicate

Of course in order to do so one must transcend the catastrophic beliefs i.e. the potential for rejection, being hurtful, feeling guilty etc., that are fed by the fears that I have listed above.

Here is a powerful way to accomplish this.

Let’s take the first item above i.e. the fear of rejection as an example that you can walk through with me.

Overcoming Fear Step by Step

Now contemplate the following question: “What is the benefit to you of having the fear of rejection living inside you?” Initially one may say that it protects one from getting rejected,

If this is the case, then supposedly how would you feel knowing that you were being protected in this way? Well, you might say that you might be feeling safe, secure, calm, relaxed, confident and resilient to the reactions of others to whatever you might say.

So to summarize one could say that: The fear of rejection causes you to feel safe, secure, calm, relaxed, confident and resilient to the reactions of others to whatever you might say.

Is That Really Your Truth?

Is that, however, the truth? Clearly not because this fear actually makes one feel anxious, weak, fragile, tense, and leads to secretive behaviors that make one feel guilty, insecure and in fear of being found out.

This is clearly the opposite of the summarized conclusion above espousing the supposed benefits of the fear. So, can these opposite statement be simultaneously true? Clearly not!

Determining the Truth for You

Well then, which one is the truth for you? If you look closely at it I think you’ll see that the fear is not beneficially acting for you.

Well that means that the statement above that ” The fear of rejection causes you to feel safe, secure, calm, relaxed, confident and resilient to the reactions of others to whatever you might say” is false!

If you see this, do you want this false belief to be residing in your mind or body? If not then simply ask, from your heart, to have this belief purged from your life now.

Next, you’ll notice that the fear itself is clearly toxic to you as it undermines how you feel and your behaviors in your relationship so do you want it living inside you? If not, then again speaking from your heart ask it to be purged from your life now.

Now contemplate how you would rather be or feel in relation to being able to speak your own truth with your partner. This might look something like: feeling calm, confident, resilient, relaxed, loving, honest, and so on.

If this new way of being, as you have delineated it for yourself, feels desirable then again assert this to yourself as you speak this through your heart.

Now that you’ve come this far simply notice how you feel inside and how you feel about and towards your partner. You may be pleasantly surprised at how wonderfully positive loving moments will emerge through your new found freedom to be open and confident in this way.

Is Your Life Too Busy for Sex?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 17:33:13 +0000

Unfortunately for most of us, there never seems to be enough time in the day to accomplish everything that needs to be done.

From the moment we wake up and groggily resist our primitive urge to smash the alarm clock against the wall, our bodies are set to “fast forward”, speeding through our days in a blur of work, school, and parenthood.

Until finally, exhausted and numb, we climb back into bed and slump into a state of blissful oblivion – only to have it start all over again six hours later.

And in the midst of all these constant stressors is a little nagging voice in the back of our minds that tries to remind us how important it is to stay connected to those we love.

We skip the hug hello, don’t have time for that morning kiss goodbye, and before we know it our lovers are just another piece of our daily landscape. Always there, but never really noticed.

It’s no wonder that under these circumstances sex happens less and less frequently, even among “young” couples.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, my partner and I – both 28 years old, We’re both going to school for our Phd’s. With school, work and kids, she has two boys, 4 and 6. She has a lot on her plate. I’m taking this semester off and have been doing my best to keep as much stress as possible off of her.

My concern is the affection is not there. She still wants her hugs and kisses everyday but our sex life, well not as strong. Typing that just makes me feel like a bad boyfriend. But I still can’t help but want some affection or reciprocation back.

Could you please give me some advice that my brain and heart is missing or forgetting or maybe her too? Thanks.

– Jared, Indiana

How to Find Intimacy in Your Busy Lives

For Starters, Don’t Blame Each Other

You’re both very busy and equally suffering from a lack of attention, so the worst thing either partner can do is to blame the other for your own negative feelings about the situation.

Everyone is entitled to their feelings, both good and bad, but with that entitlement comes responsibility. Your feelings are your own regardless of what your partner does or does not do.

Because of this, it’s important to approach your relationship problems by asking “what can I do to make this better” rather than blaming your partner and saying, “things are this way because you (do or don’t do this, this, and this).”

Blaming your partner for your feelings will only make them defensive and angry, neither of which will make them want to give you the sexual attention you’re seeking.

At the End of the Day There’s Nothing Left for You

The sad truth is, people have a limited amount of emotional and physical energy. After an entire day of working, going to school, and taking care of children your partner has nothing left in their energy reserves for you.

Even when one of you does have some energy left over and is in the mood for a little kinky sex play, the likelihood that your partner will feel the same way at the same time is slim.

It’s not your fault. It’s not your partner’s fault.

That’s just the way life seems to be for most people in our very driven, output-oriented society.

Our culture places more value on how much we work and how much we produce than it does on how close, intimate, and loving our relationships are. So it makes sense that people choose to focus almost one hundred percent of their energy on their work, putting it ahead of their relationships.

Make a Conscious Choice to Refocus Your Energy

The key to having a continuously intimate relationship with your lover is to make sure you both have enough energy at the end of the day for each other.

This has to be a conscious decision, because “life” will surely get in the way and drain your energy if you don’t do something to change it.

One of the best ways to regroup and re-energize is to put aside one hour each day for yourself to do something that you enjoy. This is one hour of “ME” time – no children, no work, no school, and no lovers.

Some people choose to meditate or to go for walks. The activity itself doesn’t matter as long as it’s something that relaxes you and takes your mind off of everything else.

You’ll be amazed at how much just one hour for yourself will restore your energy!

What You Focus on Will Flourish

This is true for anything in life. Whether it’s writing a book, building a company, or strengthening your love for your partner, what you choose to focus your energy on will flourish.

But on the flip side, what you don’t give your energy to will diminish and eventually die.

So take a moment to think about your own day. What do you spend your time doing? What are you giving your energy to? Are those things really important? Is your relationship one of them?

Chances are, it isn’t.

If you really do want a loving, intimate relationship with your partner then you have to make time for it just like you make time for everything else.

Schedule it in, and commit to it.

Once you start giving your relationship the energy it needs, it will flourish, and the sex should take care of itself.

Want More Sex? Here’s how…

Melody Brooke — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 20:23:58 +0000

Regardless of what you may think. Sex happens in the brain. Our ability to feel desire, the things that turn us on, the things that make us reach climax all happen in the brain. So, if you want more sex, it’s reasonable to assume you should know more about the brain. I’ll give you the primer version.

Our brains are hard wired to respond to perceived threat in ways that will preserve our ability to survive. These automatic reactions are called “Survival mechanisms”. Our brain fires off chemicals that provoke us into feelings of fear for our survival. Then we have biologically programmed ways to react to fear that aid us in surviving whatever it is that is threatening our survival. You don’t really have a choice about what you are feeling when you perceive yourself to be in a threatening situation. Your brain takes over. Our brains are very powerful in affecting how we feel and how we respond.

You see our brains have been programmed through biology and culture to respond in ways that will insure our survival in primitive situations. Your brain doesn’t really get it that if you perceive your job is being threatened you will not die. It really feels like you will. Your brain doesn’t know that if your husband/wife/partner is angry with you and you think they might leave you that you won’t die. Your brain doesn’t know that when a friend calls your character into question, that you won’t die. Your brain doesn’t discriminate between actual threat for your survival and emotional threat.

Our brains are divided into sections. As we evolved as a species we went from depending on simple functions to the very complex brain that we now have as human beings. Our reptilian ancestors brains comprised of three cleanly defined sections: the front part allows for smell, the middle for vision, and the rear allows us balance and coordination. And those basic survival instincts were cordoned off in a space between the smell and vision sections, a kind of command post with the scientific name of “diencephalon”. This part of the brain holds our drives for food, our “fight-or-flight” aggression reactions, and of course, sex.

Our brains further evolved into what is known as the “mammalian” brain when our left and right cerebral hemispheres developed. More and more circuits had to be added to process the more complex functions of the life and culture of our mammalian ancestors and our brains grew in size. But we still rely on that command post to assist us in our primary need: survival. This relic of the past fights our evolved brains more flexible reactions and tends to take over when we perceive that we need them.

This very powerful tiny walnut sized part of our brain, set inside our brain stem, is called our “hypothalamus”. It injects our system with electrical stimulus evoking anger, anxiety and acute fear. Most of the time, we are able to maintain mastery over this part of our brain. But now and again our animal senses tell us that our survival or our well-being is being challenged and that package of survival programs, called “emotions” erupt.

It’s like you have two brains in one body. Your emotional states that evolved to help you survive; and the other which is ruled by reason. The old brain; and the new brain in one package: your skull.

Okay, now, back to sex…

When we feel emotional threat, we respond with this primitive part of our brain. We feel scared, and our defenses go on autopilot. We feel angry and protective and either withdraw or go into attack mode to regain a sense of control. While it is possible to feel a need to have sex from this place, it’s more of a desire for dominance than it is the kind of intimacy that we most need and want.

Women tend to be turned off by men who display the need for this type of sexual encounter, if they aren’t it’s because they have never experienced the other kind. And even if they will put up with it for a while, eventually they will stop wanting to participate because it just doesn’t feel good. It feels scary and unsafe.

Safety is what leads to continued, warm intimate and frequent sex. When we feel safe with our partner our brains kick into a mode that allows us to drop our boundaries and allow ourselves to feel the vulnerability we need to feel in order to experience deep sexual intimacy. Being afraid triggers the old brain into survival mode and sets up firm boundaries that keep distance between us. ant More Sex

So, if you want more sex, work toward more emotional safety in your relationship. Emotional safety is accomplished by awareness of and sensitivity to what our partner is feeling. It means being aware that when our partner feels threatened and is yelling or acting angry toward us, we listen to what is underneath their angry behavior. We ask them for more information about what may have hurt them and own up to our part in whatever occurred. This doesn’t mean passively letting them have their way, it means sharing about what we honestly feel and negotiating a result that works for both of you.

Our old brain is tricky. It can make us think that something is threatening when it’s not. It can make us think we are being attacked when we are not. Being sensitive to what may trigger our partner into feeling they are being attacked helps us be more aware of what might be standing in the way of more intimacy (i.e. more sex).

Intimacy – I Give Up!

Melody Brooke — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 15:12:22 +0000

At 40 when I was divorced and dating I met guys who had given up intimacy. These guys had decided that since they are “no good” at intimacy, they might as well just have a good time and focus only on finding women willing to be sex partners with no entanglements. They didn’t care if the woman was married or not, just that she was ready to hop into bed without any “strings”. Lately I have been meeting women who have also given up, but because they don’t want promiscuous sex, they resign themselves to a life without men.

It seems that when we reach a certain age and we have not been able establish a long-term intimate connection we tend to give up. Now, obviously this is not true for everyone as some people divorce and remarry many times trying to make it work. But many people do give up. I think its sad. Some of the men and women I have met are marvelous people, intelligent, creative, hard working and attractive. They are lonely, though often they try to convince themselves that single life is fine and they are happy. Maybe some of them are, certainly many of them have full, meaningful lives. But usually when I hear them talk about relationships it’s with a sad, wistful look on their faces.

So what are they to do? One woman I spoke with said about her ex-husband, “You know, he was a really great guy, but when we were together it brought out the crazy in both of us.” Without knowing what it is that makes us “crazy” when we are together we are left in a hopeless tangle of feelings and confusion.

Going to therapy is one obvious choice, but what if you have gone to therapy already, but you still don’t understand what when wrong? I went to therapy and learned the reasons for some of my bad choices and some really important things about myself (even becoming a counselor myself). I learned to be more assertive with my friends. I learned to feel better about myself as a person. I processed through a lot of old pain from my childhood. And yes, it did help me make a better choice in partners, but it didn’t fix the problems I had relating. Only after discovering what I now call “The Cycles of the Heart” did I begin to understand what was making me… and my partner, “Crazy”.

You see, something we humans don’t like to admit about ourselves is that we are animals. We have animal instincts. We have hard-wired brain reactivity that forces us to react in certain ways under certain circumstances. The emotions that drive the behaviors that result are compelling and overwhelming. We think that we have to do the things that our brain is telling us is required of us.

What triggers our brain into these survival mechanisms is a sense of threat. For animals, that sense of threat comes in pretty simplistic forms. They observe signals of a physical nature coming from another animal that compels them to react defensively. A growl, a stare, ruffled fur, bared teeth, stiffening of a spine all trigger a defensive reaction in animals. But human beings are a bit more complicated. Our brains store more data than most animals and it gets us confused about what is an actual threat and what just feels like a threat. It doesn’t matter to our brains whether the threat is real; it only knows to respond.

Our partners are important to us so we are really sensitive to threat from them. This is why we may have no problems getting along with our friends but a terrible time making a partnership work. What happens then is that our partners unwittingly say or do something that creates a sense of threat in us, we get frightened in some primitive way, and react defensively. Then, or defensiveness triggers a defensive response in our partner and the cycle begins; never to end.

We both end up acting like crazy people because we are reacting to something that feels way bigger than the situation, that the other person doesn’t understand, and neither of us knows how to end.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Well it should.

It is unlikely that any of us have gone through life without being involved in a situation like this. The funny thing is, it doesn’t matter how “grown up” or “mature” you are, or how much “work” you have done on yourself. All of us will, in the wrong situation, find ourselves acting like, well, madmen. We are embarrassed about it later and have no clue why that situation brought us to such depths of reactivity.

But that is how the brain works. The feelings are intense because our survival mechanisms are our most primary drive.

When we learn what makes up these cycles of behaviors and how to choose differently we can learn to make different choices. It’s not easy, but its possible and it can make a huge difference in your ability to relate to those closest to you.

Learning to see each other’s reactivity for what it is: survival reactivity, allows us to see the other person as a whole person and not just their behavior al reactivity. It allows us to have the same empathy for ourselves and teaches us to be compassionate with all people.

We no longer have to hide behind protective barriers to prevent further wounding. because we understand what is happening inside the relationship and in our heads. There is hope for those of us who think relationships are “not for them”. The way out involves deepening our understanding of others and ourselves and learning to develop the skills of respect, ownership and empathy. While the concepts are simple, the process is anything but simple.

Open Marriage – How Can I Convince My Husband?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 31 May 2007 19:42:08 +0000

Unhappy marriages can often lead to one or both partners cheating and having long term affairs.

More often than not, the marriage doesn’t survive the affair. In truth, it’s not just the affair, but the deception and lies that truly kill the relationship.

But what if you really want to stay with your current partner, although you realize that your partner is not able to fulfill your needs for sex and intimacy?

Some people consider an open marriage as a solution. While this is definitely not for everyone, there’s no reason it cannot work for some.

There are certainly other options for resolving intimacy issues couples face, but when counseling and other measures just don’t work, what can you do?

This question is from a lady facing this very dilemma. She has been in an extramarital affair for over a year, but she desperately wants to stay married to her husband. So hopes to pusuade him to consider and open marriage.

How can she approach him about the open marriage, considering her affair is ongoing?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am finding myself in depression. My joy and juice for life is diminishing. My energy is dwindling. I want to break out, I want to be free. I have a family, three little girls 3, 5, and 6.

How do you open up a marriage? I realize that the only solution to the bind I have gotten myself into is to talk truth. The truth is I have been having an affair for two years. I have no idea if the affair will last, but do we ever know if anything will ever last?

I have to make myself have sex with my husband and thank god to my large sex drive this is not a problem, however I do have to overcome a resistance each and every time, and it is starting to get to me. My affair is also no dream around sex, but I lust after him, he smells and tastes good to me and he can talk and move through stuck places, unlike my husband.

My husband is a good provider and a fun dad to the kids. I respect that and there is a certain turn on in the providing role that he holds. I can get off with him. However, we lack intimacy. I feel alone in this marriage and I went and got what I needed to feel connection and companionship.

Oddly enough orgasm is tricky with “the other man”. Partially this has to do with his story, but also it has to do with mine. Something about guilt of withholding from my husband, something about not feeling truly wanted by the man that would get involved with a married monogamous woman. If I was truly available for a one on one, my affair would be on a plane and out of here. He, although I get intimacy, connection and friendship from him, is intimacy and relationship phobic. Go figure!

In any case I need to open up the door. I am not sure if I need to mention my affair in talking with my husband about opening up the marriage or if I can simply let it be. I do realize that opening up the marriage requires more attention, communication and integrity than staying monogamous.

I have issues with jealousy. My main concern would be sexually transmitted diseases, impregnation of another woman and thereby loosing my provider’s full financial support. I know that he lacks the capacity for intimacy on the level that I want and need so there is no jealousy possible from that point, but I could encounter this from my affair.

Do you have any insights as to how I can work with jealousy so that it makes me aware of the love versus the loss that I fear?

My hope is that if I open up the marriage, I will not feel guilty; therefore I could enjoy myself more sexually all around. I also hope that it moves my husband out of the position of the bad man that doesn’t give me intimacy, and I can simply enjoy him for who he is without putting up walls.

I am pretty sure that he would be open to seeing other people. I am just not sure how to structure that, and seeing that we have three small children, I do believe we need to set up agreements around how this could work. Got any insights?

– Dona (California)

But Seriously, Play with Me!

Melody Brooke — Mon, 07 May 2007 18:32:52 +0000

Here’s another great article from Melody Brooke. She’ been a featured author on Ask Dan & Jennifer for quite some time now and we feel really fortunate to be able to share her thoughts and insights with you.

Today’s article however, had a tremendous impact on me personally – probably because it hit a little too close to home… We all get so busy doing the things that we think we ‘have’ to do that we forget to take the time to do the things that we ‘want’ to do and those things that brings us joy.

Not taking the time to have fun together can really cause a strain on your relationship.

Read this article to learn some really great ways to connect or re-connect with your partner.

But Seriously, Play with Me!

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

When we date someone we are intent on finding time to enjoy being together. Discovering similar interests means doing things together that you both enjoy. The result is that we end up doing a lot of fun, playful things together when we are dating. Bonding during play is an important aspect of building intimacy with someone. We open our hearts up to those we feel safe with, and we play with those we feel safe with, too. When you think about the time you spent together when you were dating, weren’t you constantly on the look out for playful things to do together?

It’s funny but we will even do things that are outside of our own comfort zone when we are dating. We will attempt things we have never tried before and we will do things that we don’t even particularly like, simply because the other person finds it fun.

Before we were married my husband invited me on a ski trip. I was 43 and had never skied before. I hate the cold, my Reynauds caused my hands to go numb in the cold, but of course I went. He taught me to ski (turns out I have a knack for it) and I now love to ski. But I might not have ever tried it if it weren’t for wanting to spend time playing with my prospective partner.

Yet once we settle into our daily lives with our partner, we tend to forget or even avoid doing those fun things together. Why is that? I think there are many reasons for it, but the top reason is that we start taking life too seriously. We have kids to care for, bills to pay, pools to care for, lawns to feed, work to do… all of which fill up our time and our thoughts, requiring all of our energy and resources. Taking time to play with our partner becomes a chore on our to-do list.

Play, of course, can take many forms and is highly individual. That can make it complicated for couples. He likes to golf, she likes to garden. She likes to shop, he likes to tinker with his car. When the divergent ways we like to have fun keep us apart, intimacy can be interrupted. Play is an intimacy building activity. We play with those we are closest to, so if we stop playing with them we stop feeling close.

Play also builds creative connections and opens new pathways in our brains. Studies show that kids who don’t get enough play time lack ingenuity and struggle to get along with their peers. Creative play teaches us how to interact with others in ways that stretch our abilities. This is true for adults as well as children. I am not sure why the idea that playing is just for kids became so popular. Companies like Google build play into their workday and supply gaming activities in specific areas.

When I met my husband my favorite thing to do was to go out and sing at Karaoke clubs. He happily went with me when we were dating, and even into the first year or so of our marriage. But the truth is that it was boring for him so eventually he quit going. So now we go out dancing to bands that we both like.

Finding something that unites you, that you both like is of course the optimal choice. But what if you are really so different that you can’t find things you both like? That’s when we are forced to compromise. We stretch to do those activities that are not our favorite, simply because our partner loves them.

I am not a big fan of shoot’em up action movies, nor farces. My husband is not a big fan of lightweight girlie movies. So we go to both. I get him to go to Karaoke with me every now and again, and I go along to the air shows with him. I like seeing him smile. He likes seeing me smile.

Last year I discovered something called InterPlay. It’s a form of creative play that uses storytelling, movement and sound to stretch our creative genius. For me, being a counselor who dealt with a lot of heavy, intense issues on a daily basis it was a really important release. My husband doesn’t get it, but that’s okay. I get him to come now and again, and do some of the forms with him at home. But many couples do InterPlay together and find it a wonderful source of play, connection and discovery. They tell me they find out things about each other through InterPlay that they might never have found out any other way.

Play can be something simple like playing a game of cards together, or a board game. It may be even finding a Wii that you both like to do together or Guitar Hero. Whatever it is that you do together, the important thing is that you understand the serious importance of playing together. Playing together builds bonds, deepens connection and creates an atmosphere of joy in your relationship. You can’t put a price on that or take it too seriously.

Can She Get Pregnant If We Take a Hot Steamy Bath Together?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 13:15:39 +0000

Pregnancy Myth vs. Fact

Can she get pregnant while taking a hot, steamy bath together, even if we have swimsuits on?

The short answer to this question is "NO". There are many myths out there about what will and will not cause a woman to get pregnant. These myths are even more prominent in some of the more conservative religious family cultures because sex is simply not talked about in the home, so the kids grow up believing all kinds of myths and and tall tales about sex. It’s such a mystery to them…

In this case, sperm do not live very long outside of the body and when you throw in the chlorine from the bath, the little guys just don’t have a chance. Barring some type of immaculate conception, it’s very, very unlikely that a woman could get pregnant this way.

But don’t get too smug just yet, she COULD still get pregnant…

The Real Question About Sex, Pregnancy, and a "Hot Bath"

Here is a very interesting twist on this topic. If a couple is taking a hot bath together, are they sitting at opposite corners of this bath tub? Are they six feet away from one another? Are they waving at each other and having to yell across the pool to hear each other?

No? So then, what ARE are they doing exactly? Is there any alcohol involved?

In these situations proximity leads to more proximity… and that often leads to what we call "slippage". Couples can get lost in the heat of the moment and before you know it – "Whoops!"

So the real question is: "What are they really doing in the steamy, hot tub together?"

Taking a bath is highly unlikely. They are more likely pursuing mild, pseudo-sexual relations but are afraid to call it sex because of whatever silly taboo or maybe just a little shyness. So what can you do?

Call it what it is and take the appropriate precautions. Wear a condom if you really, really want to be safe.

Safe Sex Recommended Reading

If you really want to get a better understanding about sex, and especially safe sex, here are a couple of books that will get you started on the right path.

The first one is the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex. Whenever you want to learn a new topic, the Idiot’s Guide and even the For Dummies series are great because they cover so many aspects of the subject very thoroughly. They’re also generally very well written and easy to read.

Another book which is a very well illustrated and also very tastefully done is the Sexopedia by Anne Hooper.

If your parents didn’t bother talking to you about sex, like most parents don’t, go grab these two books and you will better informed. It’s a much better idea than getting this info from your buddies and flying blind…

Sex is a natural and beautiful part of life, but it’s also a very serious topic. What you don’t know about sex CAN hurt you. If you’re going to partake in it (even if you don’t quite call it "sex"), get educated and be smart about it.

Sex, What’s That? I’m Married!

Melody Brooke — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 23:43:28 +0000

Have you ever wondered why sex seems to disappear when you get married? Is it complacency? Is it laziness?

Sex, What’s That? I’m Married!

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

It’s not a joke; most married men I know claim to have less sex than they did when they were single. This seems to be confirmed by the Durex Survey (2001), since couples living together claim to have sex 146 times per year, while married couples make love only 98 times per year. Yet going from roughly three times a week to two hardly seems to justify the statement. But why is it that simply being married reduces the number of times we choose to enjoy each other’s bodies?

After working with couples for over the past nearly 20 years, and going through my own set of divorces, I have come to the conclusion that marital dissatisfaction and a lack of sexual intimacy go hand in hand. Men feel it as a lack of sex; women feel it as a lack of emotional connectivity. But both feel it as something lacking in the relationship. Men tend to blame their wives for being disinterested or lacking in sexual drive, and women tend to blame their husbands for not having a good emotional I.Q. Yet both are unhappy. Hmm. The thing that seems to be consistent is that they each blame each other.

Blame is an old survival mechanism left over from our years as cavemen. We needed to know who was to blame for things in order to survive our harsh environment. This is not something we need to hang on to in our modern society. The assignment of blame acts as a tool to focus our actions and provides us with clear understanding of what to do next. But it also distances us from those we love. Our old brain, our mammalian primitive brain stem tells us that the one we blame is threatening our survival. This does not make us want to make love to them. It makes us want to protect ourselves, in other words, distance ourselves from that person.

Blaming each other and feeling like a victim of the other’s behavior, in my experience tends to lead to divorce. Yet somehow, this is the behavior of choice. What might happen if both partners actually took ownership of the situation and decided that they are both responsible for the lack of sexual and emotional intimacy?

If we can understand that our old brain is in gear when we are in a blaming stance, then maybe we could make a different choice. When we can recognize that we are blaming our partner for something, be it lack of sex or lack of emotional connection, it would behoove us to take ownership of our own part in the problem. We may not be sure what it is; but rest assured you have as much a part in the problem as your mate.

The alternative is to begin to explore what is in the way of the thing that you want. Let your partner know that you want things to be different and that you recognize that you have not made it easy for the two of you to have what you want. Simply admitting that you recognize that you have a part in the problem will take your partner out of defensive mode and improve your communication.

This is hard for people who habitually take the victim stance. When we think that we are always the one being abused it’s difficult to recognize our part in a problem. In fact, those of us stuck in believing that we can do nothing to change our circumstance are creating the problem as Eldridge Cleaver said, “If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.” So if you think you are the Victim, think again. If you are not actively working at solving the problems you have, you are as responsible as the person you are blaming for the problem!

Owning your part, even if you don’t fully understand it, opens you up to being curious about what you can do differently. Letting your partner know that you want to know what you can do differently, immediately takes down barriers between you. Suddenly you are not each other’s enemy, but instead, team mates trying to work out a plan that will work for you both.

Whether it is more sex you want, or more emotional intimacy, you both are responsible for making it safe for each other. If you have been accusatory and blaming your partner for the problems your partner will not feel safe to explore the problems. They will feel defensive and ashamed, fearful of the topic, and generally untrusting of your motives. Moving out of a blaming position by communicating that you have as much to do with the problem as your partner, you allow safety to evolve.

No one wants to make love when they don’t feel safe. No one wants to open up emotionally to someone they don’t trust. If you are not having sex or emotional connection in your relationship, you have to own your part in not making it safe for those things to occur.

Now on my third marriage, I have finally learned to own my part in my relationships. I don’t have to blame him when things go wrong. I know that there is something I can do to improve things, even if it only means saying “I’m sorry. I know things are not right between us. What can I do?”

Sex Myths Exposed – Can Your Girlfriend Get Pregnant from Taking a Bath Together?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 00:45:23 +0000

You’re planning a hot steamy bath with your girlfriend, but just to be safe you’ve both got your swimsuits on.

Can You Get Her Pregnant Taking a Bath Together?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I wanted to know that if I and my female partner are taking bath together having my shorts on and her panties on, can it happen that my sperms getting contacted with water and then to her panties, can make her pregnant. Please. Give me the safe way out, for I don’t want my partner to get pregnant.

Myth or Fact? You Decide…

Here’s a resource we recommend for helping women achieve orgasm every time:

Check out our review of The Female Orgasm Black Book. You’ll be very surprised by the percentage of women who have NEVER had an orgasm with a man – we certainly were.

How to Spice Up Your Sex Life and Save Your Relationship

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 19:53:33 +0000

Here’s a common scenario…

My partner and I have been together for 2 years and we have been living together for about 4 months. Now that we are living together, we rarely have sex. We are becoming more like best friends and I’m scared the passion is fading.

I don’t want to lose my relationship but I don’t know if I have the will power to save it. What can I do?

Watch this short video to find out how you can spice up your sex life and bring back that spark you had in the beginning…

Why Your Partner Lashes Out at You When They’re Angry

Melody Brooke — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 16:36:27 +0000

Have you ever experienced your partner’s wrath?

You know, when they lash out at you and get angry with you for reasons that you cannot explain?

Much of the time, you simply don’t know where your partner is coming from. Everything was perfect until you got married. How can this happen? Have you made a terrible mistake?

In short, No.

This is just another area where we receive very little if any training or education. In school we are taught calculus and linear equations, but no one bothers to tell us how an intimate relationship is supposed to work or what to expect.

This one single fact is a large contributor to our extremely high divorce rate. Read this article from Melody Brooke to get a little insight into what’s really going on when your partner lashes out at you…

A Quick Course in Pre-Marital Education

Did you know that, now, in Texas, when you obtain a marriage license you will be given a premarital education handbook and encouraged to attend a premarital education course? Texas legislation has implemented this as an attempt to intervene with the increasing divorce rate.

The truth is that most of us know more about what’s on TV than we do about how to manage a healthy, intimate relationship. I know I was certainly clueless about it. Which is undoubtedly why I ended up divorced twice. I had no clue what marriage really was and how to go about achieving success in the most important area of my life. I suspect most newlyweds are like I was, naive and full of fantasies with nothing to solidify my dreams.

In order to make sense of what I was experiencing when I married I did what I had learned through nature and nurture: I blamed him. After all, he was the source of my misery. Certainly if he just straightened up and did right my happiness would be achieved. But of course, the reality is that I had no idea what it was I really wanted from him, or how to go about getting it from him. I didn’t understand what I wanted; let alone what it would take to get him to do it! Blaming him was much easier than figuring all that out.

Blame is a survival mechanism. When we can figure out whom or what to blame then we can come up with a strategy to survive. Blame is a brain function. Our old brain, the part of us that drives our survival has simplistic views of our world and of ourselves. It is not complicated by our cognitions. For this part of our brain, something is either good or bad, threatening or safe, there is no in between. By categorizing our partner into the category of our enemy we can easily determine what we should do for our survival. We then strategize on how to overcome our enemy.

Of course, this is not terribly conducive to retaining an intimate connection! So what can we do to overcome this innate programming? How can we turn our enemy back into our lover?

The key is to understand that our old brain is operating on false premises. Our old brain thinks that our partner really is threatening our life, and that we are in real physical danger. Except in the case of physically abusive relationships, this is not true. When we recognize that we have a choice about how we view our partner, we can make different choices.

What I have learned over the past 10 years is that when my partner acts out in anger he is hurting. Wow, what a concept. They are actually in pain or afraid, which is why they lash out. If I had known this one simple thing, I might not have had to get divorced once, let alone twice.

I was so anger phobic that when my partner became angry I went into a defensive position myself and lost complete connection with where my partner was coming from. I couldn’t hear what he had to say or understand his pain.

This is what we do, we move into what I call a Self –Protector role and become defensive, putting up walls between our partner and ourselves. These walls dissolve our sense of connection with our partner. When we lose our sense of connection with our partner we no longer care about the impact of what we say or do on them. Our only concern becomes our own survival (survival of our well being at least) and we no longer experience any empathy or concern for our partner.

When this happens it spells disaster for the marriage.

If, instead, we recognize what our old brain is telling us is not really true, that we are not really in danger and that our partner is not really our enemy, we have a chance to save our marriage.

What we can do is to choose to move ourselves out of the Victim role and see our partner not as our perpetrator, but as another human being who has feelings and is hurting themselves. We offer them empathy for the pain they are in, too.

To do this, we have to risk becoming vulnerable. We let down our protective barriers when we stop and think, “Wow, he’s really hurting.” We allow ourselves to respect that they are doing the best they can to communicate their pain. Then we own our part in what has happened.

This does not mean taking the blame. This means accepting that whatever we did triggered a reaction in our partner that was painful for them, even if that was not our intent. It means saying to our partner, “I’m sorry, I can see that you are upset by what I said (or did). Can you tell me more?” This offers them an opening to tell us about their feelings and to understand more fully how we impacted them.

By doing this simple thing: offering our partner our empathy and respect while owning our part in the conflict, we change the way our brain perceives the situation. It moves us out of our old brain survival mechanism and back into connection with our partner. From this, we can then become partners in solving the mutual problem of the hurt feelings on both sides of the equation. Moving ourselves toward connection instead of away from it in the old brain fashion exponentially increases the odds of achieving marital success.

BANNED for Talking About Sex?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 17:05:39 +0000

As Easter approaches, I’m left wondering what’s become of our nation and of Christianity…

What are we coming to when we show blood and guts sprayed all over the TV, even on the Family Channel and Cartoon Network, but it’s wrong to even talk about sex. God forbid, someone shows a breast – we all remember the Janet Jackson incident. What should have been a funny blooper ended up being turned into a complete scandal.

When did sex become evil and wrong? When did war and violence become the norm? It seems that we’ve become so desensitized that no one gives it a second thought.

This Easter, I’m asking you to do just that. Think about it. Question it. Ask yourself why things are the way they are. Is it possible that we are holding on to beliefs that no longer serve us? Is it possible that we are following blindly in our parents’ footsteps without ever questioning the different motivations and circumstances between the generations?

It’s no wonder that our society is so dysfunctional when it comes to sex and relationships, and why our children are killing themselves in record numbers. When we value violence more than love, happiness, and joy – this is what we get. I’m definitely not talk about more censorship or taking away more freedoms. We’ve done enough of that already!

What I’m talking about is taking personal responsibility for our society today. It’s time to question everything and then do something about it.

So just exactly why am I going off on this topic when it really has little to do with dating and relationships?

For the second time, AskDanAndJenifer.com was banned by an advertiser, Kontera Technologies – for none other than Adult Content. Now I don’t know about you, but when I think of adult content, I think of Playboy TV and the like. But Wait! We have no nudity, no graphic language, and pornographic material at all on our website – Period! Check it our for yourself.

When we questioned Kontera about their decision, here’s what they said.

"Your site deals a lot with sexual relations, even that there is no nudity or graphic language, it is still considered as mature content with us."

"Sexual Relations" (you have to say it in a whisper so that no one will hear you). They couldn’t even say "sex". Kontera turned us down because we TALK about sex! That’s their choice and I’m happy that we live in a time where they can make that decision freely, but do they really think their clients are not grown ups with the ability to discern what they’re reading? And Heaven forbid (yes, that pun is intended), our children actually stumble across a web site that talks openly and honestly about sex. They may even grow up knowing how to make informed decisions about sex rather than learning everything from their buddies and worse yet their first boyfriend or girlfriend.

My real concern is that this decision by Kontera represents a much bigger problem. Their views about sex are reflective of our society as a whole. Where are we going as a society when I can talk about war and violence all day long and show gruesome pictures of this violence on my website with no ramifications what so ever?

But… When we start talking openly and honestly about sex and giving honest advice to people who have questions about dating, relationships, love, and sex, suddenly we’re put into the same category as child pornography and hard core porn? There’s something seriously wrong with that.

Our children grow up knowing more about combat strategies and murder than they do about their own bodies.

This is the real problem. It’s time to take the stigma away from sex and start talking about it openly and honestly for what it is – a completely normal and healthy part of our lives.

I’m Afraid to Tell You…

Melody Brooke — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 10:39:15 +0000

Honestly in a relationship is critical for long term success. But we all know how hard it can be to share our past transgressions with another person, especially the one we love.

We insist that our partner be completely honest with us about everything (check out the discussion around our previous post, Honesty About Previous Sex Partners… How Much Do You Really Need To Share?) and yet we find it difficult to be completely honest with our partner for fear that their feelings about us will change.

I’m Afraid to Tell You What I am Thinking!

Most of us learn to hold back on some of our truths when we first start dating. We might not tell him about our crazy old boyfriend who used to pull our chair out from under us on the first date. We might not tell her that the way she says the world “Insurance” with the inflection in the wrong place drives you crazy. So we learn to hold back truths in the service of getting to know each other and not running her off before we have had a chance to find out if there is more.

Over time, if we have any skill at intimate connection, we are able to start disclosing more and more information about our past and our likes and dislikes. But some of us find speaking our truths to our partners a real challenge. We may have a hard time letting them know when they don’t shave it scratches our skin raw. We might struggle with telling them when we have made a huge mistake that we are embarrassed about. Our fear of being seen for who we really are can be overwhelming.

What if I tell her and she leaves me? What if it makes him angry? How do we tell our truth and stay in connection? The reality is that if we don’t speak our truth our connection is already starting to deteriorate.

When I first married I had a hard time telling my husband when I had spent money on things for myself. I was fearful that, like my first husband, he would be upset with me and it would start a fight. So I didn’t always tell him when I spent money I was not sure he would approve of my spending. But eventually I learned that keeping secrets builds a wall between us. Over time I began to feel separate from him and he knew something was going on, he could feel the shift, but didn’t know where it was coming from. When we finally talked he let me know that he trusted my decisions and both of us knowing where we are financially would help us both make wise decisions about spending. It was an enormous relief.

Other things are hard sometimes too…

like telling him certain things I don’t like that he does, or how I would prefer him to touch me. Yet keeping those things to myself keeps him from really knowing me and understanding who I am.

Sometimes the ways we hold back are little and don’t seem important, but even there they can make a huge difference in our sense of closeness. Speaking up when we want things in our house a certain way, or what we do or don’t like about what our partner is wearing helps them to know how to please us. It doesn’t mean they are required to concede to our desires, but it helps them know who we are and what we like and don’t like. That translates to intimacy.

The word intimacy has its roots in Italian. It literally means, “In to me see”. The more you can let your partner in to see you for who you are, the more she can see and know of you, the more intimacy you will actually have.

Increased intimacy means a deeper sense of trust between you. Trust breeds a better relationship. The opposite of trust is fear. The more trust we have in our partner the less we fear their reactions to our thoughts and feelings. The more trust we have the easier it is to resolve conflicts. Trust allows us to drop our boundaries and let the other person see our weakness and our flaws and still love us. That is the risk we take when we speak our truths. If we don’t yet know that our truths will be accepted it’s a scary thing. But the reality is that if we don’t speak our truths, we are just two people living in the same space together, not intimate partners.

Is a Small Penis Size Crushing Your Confidence with Women?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 21:00:16 +0000

Do you worry that your penis is too small to satisfy a woman?

Even worse, have you had complaints from women about the size of your penis?

This is a question that has plagued men from the beginning of time.

The Question

I seem to be having trouble with the opposite sex.

What is the average size of the male penis. I measured mine erect and found that I am 3.7 inches long, 0.8 inches wide and 0.4 inches thick width a measured circumference of 2.7 inches. Is that normal, small or big?

I also have right curvature of the penis that doesn’t hurt but it’s shaped like a u-turn. If it was bigger it would probably point back at me. I also makes it look weird and really small. Is that normal and does masturbation cause that?

I just started shaving my balls, does that make the penis look bigger or is it a dead give away?

My last three girlfriends said my penis was pathetic and they had seen pencils bigger. One said my penis would get lost in her mouth if she tried to suck it. My confidence is shattered and I would love to have answers to my questions. Pleas help and write back soon.

The Answer

What is the perfect penis size?

This is an age old question with no “right” answer. Since we are not experts in this field, this one required some research…

I believe that the Taoist Masters have the best answer to this question, but I’ll include some Western views on the topic as well.

Taoist Thoughts on Penis Size

I’m currently reading a book called “Sexual Reflexology” by Mantak Chia (the same author as “Multi-Orgasmic Man“) and William Wei. The principles in the book are based on ancient Taoist traditions and practices. Basically what this book tells us is that the size and shape of the man’s penis must match with the size and shape of the woman’s vagina. I don’t know about you, but that just seems to make sense…

The book goes on to talk about various ways to tell if you are sexually compatible with another person by looking at various body features on the hands, ears, and face. It’s worth reading if you haven’t already.

I’m also going to check out the “Multi-Orgasmic Man“. The principle here is teaching men how to separate the orgasm from the ejaculation so that they can enjoy multiple orgasms and extended sexual excitement.

OK, back on topic…

Penis size resources from the web

Of course we Westerners want to quantify everything, so here are some really great articles that I found online while researching the answer to this question. (No, we don’t know everything …).

Rather than repeat it all here, I think you’ll get more out of it, if you read the articles yourself. They’re quite informative.

“Facts about Penis Size”, written by Dr David Delvin and Christine Webber at NetDoctor

“Does Penis Size Matter?”, written by Vanessa Burton at AskMen.com

“What is a normal penis size?”, from the Men’s Health section on About.com

What about a curved penis?

I’ve actually heard of this condition before. Depending on the seriousness of the curve, it could be Peyronie’s Disease. Now before you freak out… All that means is that the penis is curved excessively in one direction or another.

I’m going to stop here and tell you to check out this article, “Peyronie’s Disease”, and then contact your doctor if you think you have this condition. There are treatments available, but only your doctor can tell you if they’re right for you (Do I sound like a drug commercial yet?)

You can have great sex, even with a small penis

I know this may come as a shocker to some of you out there, but it’s possible to have really great sex without a man’s penis even being involved. No, really. A surprising statistic is that as many as 70% of women don’t achieve orgasm during intercourse without some other type of stimulation. Guys, listen up here.

There are tons of great books (and videos too) out there on how to please your woman. If you do a search on Amazon, there are hundreds of results for “female orgasm”. Here are a few that we actually recommend:

“The Clitoral Truth” by Rebecca Chalker – This is a very technical but informative book on the female anatomy. You didn’t get this information in sex ed. I feel it’s a must read for everyone.

“The One Hour Orgasm” by Leah and Bob Schwartz – This was a very interesting book, but make sure you’ve got all night to implement the techniques (The Venus Butterfly technique) in this book.

“The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex” by Sari Locker – We love the Idiot’s Guide series. If we ever want to know more on any topic, the Idiot’s Guide is one of the first books we buy.

Add a comment at the bottom if you have any great sex books you’d like to recommend.

Women are evil!

At least some of them… The part of this question that really makes me angry is the behavior of these women, and others like them, and the effect that their comments have had on otherwise strong and confident men.

Men’s egos are very delicate creatures that do not do well under even the slightest criticism. If you really want to crush a man, just insult his “manhood”. This is in fact so engrained in our culture, that we use to word “manhood” to refer to a man’s penis.

Here’s a message for all of those crushed egos out there from a great woman.

Eleanor Roosevelt said it best, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” In other words, although the feelings are normal, it’s what you do with them and how you process them that reconnect you to your power.

Read this great article by Carol Juergenson-Sheets – “Difficult People – No One Can Make You Feel Inferior”

Obviously these women know very little about sexual pleasure if their only concern is the size of a man’s penis. Consider yourself lucky not to be involved with them.

I recommend reading the books above so that you can satisfy her completely, and that by the time you get to intercourse, she won’t care about the size of your penis!

Uncovering Sex and Sexuality Censorship in Today’s Business World

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 17:04:16 +0000

The level of censorship and phobias that exit in today’s business world are astounding – surrounding anything dealing with or even mentioning sex or sexuality.

You may not realize just how much censorship takes place every day that is keeping you from expressing your God given rights and freedoms.

While mostly naked swimsuit models are splashed on every magazine cover and billboard nationwide, the mere mention of sex or implied sexuality will get your ad pulled faster than you can say “sex”.

In fact, here’s an excellent example from today.

This morning I received a notification email from Text-Link-Ads, one of the great folks supporting our site. Advertisers go through Text-Link-Ads to purchase various text link ad spots on our blog. And the notification email asked me to go review an ad someone would like to place on our site. But when I logged on, I couldn’t see the ad pending review. So I emailed Text-Link-Ads to ask about it.

The answer was: “Hi Dan, It was an adult site so I had to decline it. Sorry for the hassle.” To which my immediate response was: “Hmmm… I’d still like to see the site and make that decision myself. I may or may not have a problem with the site.”

For us, it really depends on whether they provide content or a service that we feel would benefit our guests and readers.

Text-Link-Ads is great, do check them out…

Just to be clear, we aren’t holding anything against Text-Link-Ads. It’s entirely their choice what sites they do business with. Just like AskDanAndJennifer.com is our home on the web, and we get to decide who is and isn’t welcome.

We’ve had only good experiences dealing with them, and we recommend them highly. If you have a blog and are looking to make some extra money to cover your costs, sign up with them as a publisher.

If you would like to advertise to the readers of thousands of popular blogs, be sure to take advantage of the $100 in free ads coupon Text-Link-Ads is running right now.

So why the heck does all of this Sexual Censorship matter to you?

We try really hard to keep all of our posts on topic for our readers.

But let’s recap our mission for AskDanAndJennifer.com: “To help people create more conscious relationships based on love and acceptance rather than fear, jealousy, anger, and ownership. It’s time to move on from outdated ideas about relationships and sex…”

So yes, some sexual content would be appropriate on our blog.

And what exactly is an adult site anyway?

That’s hard to say for sure. This morning I didn’t even get to find out. And unfortunately these types of fears lead to blurring lines and very broad definitions.

Could it perhaps be an adult dating site like Adult Friend Finder? What’s wrong with that? Tens of millions of people find sex partners on Adult Friend Finder. If people didn’t use it, this site wouldn’t be more popular than all the top online dating sites put together.
Or maybe a BDSM dating site, like ALT.com – sister site to Adult Friend Finder? Again, if millions of people didn’t find this service useful, it would quickly go out of business.
Or – No not that! – maybe it’s a live adult video chat site like Sizzling Cams or Totally Free Cams, where you can connect with live people from all over the U.S. and beyond. And – gasp – they cater to every possible fetish you can think of. Yes, that too. And you can even sample the product for free. Wow, it may be sinful just thinking about it.
WARNING, these are adult sites. Before you click, cover your eyes – and if you’re at work, turn your speakers off!

So, it would still be nice as free American adults to make our own decisions about whether or not we’d like to view or display adult content on our blogs and websites.

And don’t even get me started on “protecting the children” from porn.

That scam has been used to take away more freedoms than just about anything in recent history, except maybe for the Patriot Act. We can better protect our children by being real parents and without locking up all of the adults.

Major News Media Censorship – What ever happened to free speech?

These days it’s more like ‘restricted’ speech.

Some years ago Jennifer and I started and online dating site here in Dallas. It was a very interesting and educational experience. And we learned a lot about the type of censorship that goes on behind the scenes in Corporate America today.

We signed up to run some banner ads on the websites of two prominent Dallas area newspapers. They signed the contract, accepted payment, and had no problem with our creatives (the banner ads) initially.

Then, right as we were going live with the campaigns, both called to tells us they would have to pull the ads due to the sexual connotation in the creatives.

By the way, we can’t mention the names of the newspapers here or many media outlets won’t publish this article – more censorship…

Do we just fear nudity or is it the mere thought of open sexuality?

Here’s one of the banner ads in question for your viewing enjoyment. You’ll note there is no nudity shown whatsoever, and there is nothing graphic, violent, or otherwise generally offensive in the ad.

Not to imply there’s anything immediately offensive about the natural state of the human body – but that’s another discussion for another day.

However, the depiction of this woman licking a thorn is very sensual, seductive, and sexually playful. Or could it be because we mentioned Intimate Encounters. We can’t have that now can we – people admitting that they actually want and have sex.

And sometimes you can’t say the word “Gay” on the radio

This is a little off topic, but not too much. We were signing a deal to run some radio ads on a very popular Dallas radio station when we found out that we had to edit our ad. They required a single very specific change – we had to edit out the word “gay”. No, really.

Janet Jackson’s infamous breast – the wardrobe malfunction extraordinaire

I’m sure many of you remember Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” not too long ago. This was one of (if not THE) most replayed moment in TIVO history. Gee, guess that tells us something.

And sadly millions of people turned to stone that day. Or did they? Wait, this just in. Janet Jackson’s breast did not trigger mass fatalities after all. Not to mention the administrative grandstanding in the days following, you would have thought someone had launched a nuclear war.

In summary

We believe sex is not in any way evil or terrible. But this general fear and shame associated with sex and sexuality is a prime cause for many of our societal issues and relationship problems.

How many people don’t even know if they’re sexually compatible until after they get into a marriage contract? Yes, it’s their choice of course. But just think about their chances of staying together long term if their sex life is really poor. Of course they could stay together and pretend to be monogamous like many couples do, and cheat with others on the side. Is that really better? Is it any surprise our divorce rate is over 50%?

Ok, deep breath. Blessings all round, and on with our day.

Please leave a comment below to tell us what you think on the topic of Sexual Censorship!

Sex Poll: Would You Consider Swinging or Threesomes?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 14:22:02 +0000

Whew…

Our latest post about swinging and polyamory sparked such conversation and controversy; we just had to conduct a poll.

(You’ll want to read the full post: My Best Friend’s a Swinger – Will She Burn in Hell?)

Since many people are confused or unsure of what these terms mean, here are some web definitions that we found useful.

“Polyamory is the practice of having more than one loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. The relationships are long-term, intimate, and usually (but not necessarily) sexual. Persons who consider themselves emotionally suited to such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly.”
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

“Swinging, sometimes referred to in North America as the swinging lifestyle, is non-monogamous sexual activity, treated much like any other social activity, that can be experienced as a couple. Swinging has been called wife swapping in the past, but this term is archaic and does not accurately describe the full range of sexual activities in which swingers may take part.”

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swinging

First, answer this short poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.

And then, join the conversation and leave a comment below to tell us why you feel the way you do.

My Best Friend’s a Swinger – Will She Burn in Hell?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 17:39:55 +0000

Whew… This revealing article about swinging and polyamory sparked such conversation and controversy; we just had to conduct a poll.

Take the poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.

The Question

I don’t know who to talk to about this b/c I am truly embarrassed for my friends.

I JUST found out yesterday… actually the day before that, that my dear close friends (two different couples) have been “swinging”… it’s more like three of them I believe, but who knows what goes on behind closed doors. Both of these couples are young engaged couples with very bright futures ahead of them.

I cherish my friendship with my handful of girlfriends, and think of them as precious people. When I heard this was going on, and that I was pretty much the only one who didn’t know about it… I was devastated, I was disgusted, and began to cry.

This happens ONLY when they are drunk… but it has happened A LOT. My husband and I are newly married, and we all hang out and party together.

I am so upset about all of this that I decided not to go to their co-ed bachelorette party in Vegas this weekend. I am still going to be in their wedding, but I feel in my heart that I can NOT be friends with either couple anymore. I don’t even want to support this marriage/union. I would feel so sick to my stomach… I really don’t have a REAL reason… it’s just not who I am, how I was raised, or where I come from.

Is it wrong for me to “ditch” my close girlfriends b/c of this?

The Answer

Whew… This is a very emotional topic because your underlying beliefs are being questioned. On the bright side, these types of situations really help us grow.

Our mission for this blog is to help everyone learn to come from a place of love and acceptance in all of their relationships. We do not judge you for your beliefs or actions nor do we believe that you should judge your friends for their beliefs or actions. We feel there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ (Yes, we know that many will disagree with us on this…).

Each of us has our own ‘perception’ of what is right and what is wrong. That perception is different for everyone and will very likely change over the years. There are groups of people with similar perceptions and beliefs – i.e. the various major religious and political organizations.

Swinging is simply another belief system…

There are some very good relationship ideas that we can all take from the swinging lifestyle. Swingers believe that their partners have enough love to go around and that it’s OK to share one another sexually. They do not confuse love with lust as many couples do. They understand that it’s perfectly natural for their partner to be physically attracted, and maybe even want to have sex, with someone else. It does not in any way threaten their relationship or love for one another.

That said… Both partners in a swinging couple must have complete trust for one another and both must want this type of lifestyle or it simply won’t last. It’s definitely not a lifestyle for everyone… but it is a new adventure that can actually bring a couple much closer together.

Talk to your friends, without judgment…

Maybe there’s a reason that they didn’t tell you. Perhaps they were afraid that they would lose your friendship?

If you believe that all relationships must be totally monogamous, that is perfectly OK. What we would suggest is that you be open minded enough with your friends to talk to them about their choice in a non-judgmental way. Not to fix the error of their ways, but to share your feelings with them and see how you can move forward and remain friends. Maybe it’s a don’t ask don’t tell kind of friendship – If we really knew what all of our friends and neighbors do behind closed doors, we probably wouldn’t be able to look any of them in the eyes .

Remember that you can’t change people, and trying to change them is a sure way to push them away. If you want to remain friends, you’ll need to love and accept them for who they are and where they are in their lives.

While this is entirely your decision (we can’t make it for you…), do you really want to lose your friends because of their sexual preferences?

Recommended:

Check out the largest swinger and sex personals dating site and find sex partners in your area today. They have millions of active members online, and 30,000 new photos uploaded daily.

Sex Poll – Is It OK to Have Sex During That Time of the Month?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 16:06:57 +0000

Is it ok to have sex during that time of the month?

This post was sparked by a question that we got from a good friend of ours. He asked us if it was OK to have sex with his girlfriend during that time of the month.

Our immediate reaction was "Why are you asking us instead of your girlfriend?" This is a topic that you should discuss with your partner, not your friends – unless of course your friends are having sex with your partner .

While we may joke about it, this is a question that a lot of people, men especially, would like to know the answer to. If you ask 10 different people, you’re likely to get 10 different answers.

Men and women are often at odds over this seemingly simple question.

Some guys think it’s icky; others can’t go a whole week without sex and couldn’t care less.

Some women want nothing to do with a man during that entire week, and others can’t get enough.

We’ve certainly tried it, but it’s not our favorite time to have sex. We do however; really enjoy the week and a half that comes right AFTER that week.

Now that you’ve heard how we feel about it, we want to know what you think.

Take the Poll and Then Leave a Comment to Tell Us Your Thoughts!

Is He Really Over His Ex-Girlfriend? How Do I Know for Sure?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 15:01:39 +0000

The Question:

I’ve been dating this guy for 3 years, and just found out from his ex-girlfriend that in the first year of us dating he was still sending her flowers, and making CDs of songs that made him think of her. She broke it off for good, and the last 2 years he has been with only me, but he has never gotten me flowers, or even made me a CD, and I don’t think I’d even want it. After finding out what he did the first year of our relationship, I feel like if she would have came running back into his arms he would have left me for her.

Now he tells me he only loves me and wants to be with only me, but as far has being romantic to me, that will never happen, for he did it in the past and it didn’t work, so I just have to love him for him, and not for what he did for her. But I’m like we have been together for 3 years now and you have never gotten me flowers or anything, and he told me it was something between them, and it would only bring up old memories. What do I do????? I love him so much, but all this really hurts bad… I need some good advice… please help me.

The Answer

This question leaves me with a few questions of my own – Is this really about the romance or the fact that you’re not sure if he’s truly over her? Maybe you feel that he doesn’t love you as much as her and that the ‘romance’ would prove his love to you? – Just a few questions to ponder…

It sounds like your boyfriend was not over his previous girlfriend when the two of you decided to get serious, but claims that he is now. This can be a tough one because he never really gave himself time to heal and let go of the previous break up which could result in him carrying around this baggage for a very long time.

Dealing with broken trust

Open communication and honesty are the two most important components of a successful relationship. You have to honestly know in your heart – If his ex-girlfriend called him up tomorrow, would he leave you for her.

He broke this trust at the beginning of your relationship. If he went around your back for a full year, then I’d be concerned about his commitment now. But only you can really gauge if he’s truly moved on.

However, let’s remember that 2 years have passed. People change, feelings, and emotions change. And they tend to change all of a sudden, when the time is right for each person. So while he may have been dishonest with you for a very long time, he may be perfectly committed to you now.

Open and honest communication from this point forward will be critical to the relationship – especially since the trust has already been broken once. Ask him how he honestly feels – you’ll have to be very careful to do this in a trusting, open, and non-threatening way. Otherwise, he’ll just shut down and not talk to you. You also have to be prepared for what you are going to hear – it may not be what you want or expect.

Listen to your heart

Down deep, you know if he’s really and truly devoted to you and shares your love fully. But the trick here is to listen to what’s really there in your heart, not what you want to hear.

Are you jealous of his ex girlfriend?

An important question here… Was romance important to you even before you found out about his affections toward his ex girlfriend?

It’s definitely OK to always grow and change (your mind, your thoughts, your beliefs), but be sure your desire for romantic gestures isn’t just out of jealousy over the ex girlfriend.

You know… “He did it for her, why not me?” That’s a very destructive path.

Identify your needs in the relationship

I don’t think it’s the flowers or CD’s you’re looking for. It’s the way these romantic gestures make you feel – special and desired; to know that he truly loves and desires you.

Understand that romance is a way of life. Not all men feel comfortable with romantic gestures because it really puts their heart on the line. Since he has been rejected before, it may even be more difficult for him.

One idea is to take the time to figure out the exact things that make you feel special and wanted. Sit together and make a list of the top 5 or 10 things that make you feel desired. Make the commitment to do these things for each other on a regular basis, no matter how big or small. Because you’re both a bit jaded in this area, be patient and non-judgmental with one another.

Another thing you can do is help him feel very secure in the relationship so that he will feel safe in making romantic gestures. Compliment him on the little things that he does do and let him know every day how important he is to you and how much you appreciate your relationship. The fastest way to change him is to change your perception of him. Every night before you go to bed write down everything that you like and appreciate about him and your relationship – before you know it, he’ll start giving you even more reasons to appreciate him. It may sound a little backwards, but this is a very powerful exercise.

Stay together or break up?

Different people come into our lives for one purpose or another. Our instinct is to stay with the same person forever because we’re afraid to move on, but sometimes that’s not truly the best answer for us.

Many times people grow apart in a relationship, and are no longer happy together. This is primarily because we’re always growing and changing. When a couple is not completely open and honest in their communication, they often grow in different directions emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When this happens, it may be necessary to move on. I’m not a believer in settling for second best or holding on to a failing relationship.

Spend some time in quiet contemplation or meditation. Ask God, the Universe, or whomever your higher power is, to help you make the right decision for you. If you listen – the answer will come to you. It’s up to you to act on the answer that you receive.

In Summary

The past is only a memory, the future is a dream. Only now is real. Live in the now!

As hard as it may be, you should let go of the past and forgive him for the broken trust in the beginning of the relationship whether you choose to continue the relationship or not. “Forgiveness is God’s gift to the forgiver, not the forgiven”.
Decide what’s truly important for you in a relationship and go after it, whether it’s with your current boyfriend or not. Don’t settle or hang on to your relationship for the wrong reasons.
Once your feelings and desires are clear to you, sit down and seriously discuss your wants and needs with your boyfriend.
If you desire a life of romance and your boyfriend isn’t able to provide it, then it may be time to move on.
In this case, I would seriously consider some couples counseling because there are so many issues that you are each dealing with, that you may not be able to get through them alone. An objective 3rd party can really help in a situation where you have so many delicate issues to talk about.

How to Spice Up Your Sex Life and Save Your Relationship

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 03:11:44 +0000

The Question:

My partner and I have been together for 2 years now and we have been living together for about 4 months. Now that we are living together I feel that our relationship has changed. We hardly ever have sex, probably once a month is about all we manage to achieve.

I love sex and I’m sure that my partner does too, but for some reason we just can’t seem to make an effort to do the wild thing – one of us or both are always tired and sometimes it feels like we’re losing sexual compatibility; now it seems like I’ve had more passion in the past with other men or in the beginning of our relationship.

We do love each other and we’ve been through a lot together but I feel that our relationship is changing and I don’t know what to do about it.

We are becoming more like best friends everyday and I’m scared that the passion is fading. His idea of seduction and mine are totally different – he thinks ‘Let’s have sex?’ is an acceptable phrase into seducing a woman into hot sex, where as I would rather be pinned up against a wall without a word being said and so on…

When we weren’t living together our relationship was great; we did struggle a bit in the sex department but 3 times a week compared to once a month was a vast improvement.

Any advice you have considering this situation would be greatly appreciated. I don’t think I want to lose my relationship but I don’t know if I have the will power to save it – I don’t know what to do.

The Answer:

You might be surprised to learn that almost all long term relationships go through this ‘phase’ where everyone seems to get a little lazy. From my experience, it seems to happen somewhere between 18 months and 3 years into the relationship.

Here are some ideas that will help you make the best decision for you…

Does he know how you feel?

Open and honest communication is the most important component of any relationship.

Talk about it! Yes, with him, not with your girlfriends, not with anyone else. It’s absolutely amazing how many lovers simply don’t communicate openly and honestly with one another.

So many guys chat about their love live with their buddies, often as a way of bragging and showing off. And then they ask their guy friends if this or that sex idea would be ok. This is a bad idea for guys and girls. If you’re trying to figure out what sexual experiences to try out, talk with your lover not your buddies.

So, does he know that you crave hot spontaneous sex, or that you get excited by playing a little rough? Guess what, he might like that too! Or he might not, but you’ll never know if you don’t explore this topic together. And by the way, you’ll have a lot of fun and get a lot closer in the process.

Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings and check your ego at the door

It’s a strange thing, but sex partners often get their feelings hurt when one of them suggests trying something new, or doing something a little differently.

Get over it! The point of sex and intimacy is to enjoy each other and be happy together! Unless of course you’re focused solely on making babies – but that’s not the topic of this article…

Getting comfortable and killing your relationship

Complacency, also known as “getting comfortable” is the death knell of so many relationships, it may as well be a full blown epidemic. So many couples strive to “get comfortable”. What that means is they stop trying. And guess what… you stop trying, and your relationship dies. It’s that simple. The excitement and attraction dies, and your relationships becomes a project that you’re always fixing up. That’s no fun.

So how can you add that spice and excitement back into your relationship so that you’re not just lusting after those hot bodies at the gym?

Seduction as a game for lovers – the chase begins anew

The thrill of seduction doesn’t end when you get into a relationship. Why give up such a wonderful thing, even if you could?

Admit it, we enjoy the chase. I know I do and I’m at peace with it. And if you’re not chasing your lover, you’ll end up chasing someone else. We’re just wired that way. So let’s just accept that fact and use it to our advantage.

When was the last time you tried to seduce your partner? …

No, I’m not talking about coming home and saying “hey, let’s go have sex”. Blah! Boring!

I mean dressing up to look your best, wearing something sexy and feeling sexy.

Some of the best and most exciting sex is spontaneous sex, when you’re so wrapped up in the heat of the moment that you just can’t stop from ripping each other’s clothes off! Now that’s excitement. And doesn’t it sound more fun than “hey, let’s go have sex”?

Schedule hot sex dates

You go through the trouble of scheduling lunch and dinner appointments with just about everyone in your life. How about paying at least that much attention to your lover? Make time for that really steamy hot date, and plan accordingly. That way you’ll both be anticipating it all day, or all week.

Make a sex date box

Here’s a neat idea. Get together with your lover and each of you jot down a steamy date idea on a piece of paper and agree that each time you go on a hot steamy date, you’ll pick a card from your special sex date box.

Watch some erotic movies – together

Basic Instinct, Wild Orchid, 9 and 1/2 Weeks – it doesn’t have to be Playboy Porn, just something that gets you excited – trust me – he’ll get excited simply by you being excited.

Go out and buy some hot lingerie – together

What could be more exciting than shopping for hot lingerie together? By the time you’re done, you’ll be well in the mood for a hot sex date.

How about going to an adult toy store – together?

Maybe go visit an adult toy store together. Even if you don’t buy anything, you’re sure to have a lot of fun checking out all the merchandise.

Mix it up with some new sexual adventures

Doing the same old thing over and over again is bound to get boring. You wouldn’t watch the same TV show for the rest of your life, would you?

Try something different. Whether you’re up for a threesome or interested in the wild latex world of BDSM, the same idea applies.

Be open to new experiences. Venture out and keep it exciting.

In summary

Talk with your partner about sex. Really, make a date to sit down and go over it. Then resolve to always talk about it form then on.
Check your ego at the door. If your partner makes sex suggestions and you get defensive, then you’re missing the point completely. Get over it and put your partner first. You’ll be glad you did.
Don’t strive to get “comfortable” in a relationship. If you’re there, break out of it before you doom your relationship for good.
Bring the excitement of seduction and the chase back into your relationship – fast.
Actually schedule some hot sex dates with your partner. Really.
Keep it exciting with some new sexual adventures. Try new things. Open your mind and explore the entire world of sex possibilities.
For some fresh new sex ideas download Michael Webb’s 500 Lovemaking Tips & Secrets (Read our review here).

Ask Dan and Jennifer » intimacy

Low Sex Drive – How Can A Woman Get Her Libido Back?

Why A Woman’s Libido Might Change

Communication Is Key

Physical Reasons A Female’s Sex Drive Can Decrease

Emotional Causes For A Reduced Libido

A Word On Postpartum Depression

What You Can Do To Fire Up The Libido

When You Do Have Sex

Related Posts

Top 5 Reasons Not To Cheat

What She Said:

What He Said:

Related Posts

How To Cook For A Woman And Win Her Heart

Preparation Is Important

Planning The Menu

Time For Fun!

Getting Down To Business

Following Up With Romance

Related Posts

How To Compliment A Girl And Make Her Melt

Women Love Romance

Compliments To Use

Old Favorites

Being Genuine Is Everything

Have A Positive Focus

Related Posts

How To Get Her To Fall In Love With You

Mars vs. Venus

What Is Love, Anyway?

How Do Women Really Feel About It?

Make Nice With Your Girl’s Friends And Family

Open Up And Be Emotional

Get To Know Your Girl

Give Her The Best Sex Of Her Life

Remember To Give Her Space

Love Yourself First

Related Posts

Top 5 Ways To Keep Your Woman Happy

What She Said:

What He Said:

Related Posts

How To Talk A Woman Into Bed

Girls Love Words

Be Aware Of Her Insecurities

Compliment Her With Emotion

Use Descriptive Language

Make Sure Your Body Language And Facial Expressions Match Your Emotions

Related Posts

How To Revive A Sexless Marriage In 3 Easy Steps

Stop Putting Pressure On Her To Have Sex

Learn How To Tease Her To Build Arousal

Don’t Expect Sex

Be Willing To Walk Away

Related Posts

Little Everyday Things that Keep Romance Alive

Love Is A Basic Human Need

Little Things Make It Romantic

Don’t Forget Physical Intimacy

Saying, “I Love You”

Related Posts

How To Cope With Unrequited Love

People You Can’t Pursue A Relationship With

How To Deal With Rejection

Moving On

Related Posts

Top 5 Ways To Keep Your Man Happy

What She Said

What He Said

Related Posts

How To Make After-Sex Moments Romantic

Get Unplugged

Soap Down With An After-Sex Shower

Do A Reverse Strip Tease

Have A Romantic Meal Afterwards

Make Out

Related Posts

5 Ways To Re-Spark The Magic Back Into Your Relationship

Give Your Partner A Unique Gift