Ask Dan and Jennifer » kids

Single Mother Raising Boys, Oh, My!

Elaine Williams — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 15:18:50 +0000

My kids were 11, 18 and 19 when their father died. Many days I felt at a loss as to how to help my boys deal with their grief.

How Death Affects The Kids

My oldest son moved away from home, no doubt attempting to establish his independence. Emotionally, I had a very difficult time with this. He was living in a dumpy apartment and associating with people I didn’t know and appeared to have embraced a partying lifestyle.

Even though my 18 year old remained at home, he became distant, leaving me to wonder what was going on inside. I knew intuitively he was as wounded as I felt, but he refused to acknowledge or share anything.

My youngest would cling to me, emotionally and physically. He once asked what would happen if I died also. I reassured him I expected to live a long time, but reassured him that his aunt would take care of him if something did happen to me. What do you say? I admit that for a short while I feared something would happen to me also.

Dealing With Life

Day-to-day living was sometimes excruciating, but there was no getting away from it, life had to be dealt with. The first two and a half years I would never want to relive, but we all came through it, handling each day not always perfectly, but the best we could at the time.

Hopefully we all learned from the mistakes and moved forward. As a parent, you don’t want to see your kids hurting or making the wrong choices, but ultimately, it’s not up to you.

My kids and I grew through the last several years, and perhaps the best thing learned was that life does go on. No one can ever say life after loss is easy, but that’s just life; sometimes it smacks you when you don’t see it coming. If we’re lucky, we rise to the occasion in the best way we know how.

Life wounds each of us in various ways, it’s how we come out of the wounding that tells the truest sense of who we are, or can be.

As a mother raising boys, I’ve found it’s a work in progress, but if we meet the challenges and do the best we can, that’s all we can ask of ourselves.

Should You Stay Married Just For The Kids? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 13:03:37 +0000

Marriage is a choice that thousands of people make every day. For many people, this is one of the best times of their lives.

Unfortunately, however, marriage may not always be the best choice or the one that makes you the happiest and even worse, this is usually not realized until much later.

What can you do if you find yourself "stuck" in an unhappy marriage?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, please help! My friend has been in an unhappy marriage for 28 months. Her son is 23 months old. Before their marriage they broke up because the husband had another woman but she found out later she was pregnant and her husband married her unwillingly. All through out the pregnancy the husband was unsupportive and uncaring. They never share a room and bed since they marry. My friend is 40 y.o. She is desperate for a divorce but is worried that if they divorce, it will affect the child. He says he will never love her again, will never sleep with her and will never suggest a divorce. Please let me know how to help her. I’ve always thought it was a mistake that they got married.

-FD, Hongkong

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How To Be A Good, Responsible Dad And Still Have Great Sex With Your Wife (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 16:02:59 +0000

Can you really be a good husband AND a great lover?

Remember that she was your wife before she was ‘mom’.

Married couples and especially new parents often forget this very important fact. You were couple before you were parents.

Your biggest responsibility as parents is to love your children and provide a stable home.

You can’t do that if you’re divorced.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My wife and I have been married for 7 years, we have a four year old son and 2 year old twins.

Money is kind of an issue, due to the fact that we are a single income family and I work nights.

How can I be romantic and achieve a romantic sex life, but not neglect our kids and responsibilities as parents?

Thanks Greatly.

– Steven, Missouri

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Make Time For Your Relationship First

I know you’re exhausted. I know you’re tired. You’ve had a really long day.

But it’s critical to your relationship whether it’s two weeks older 20 years old, to make time for one another and to nurture your relationship. Schedule some time to just be together, whether its first thing in the morning, a nice lunch, or some quite couple time before you drift off to sleep, couple time is very important.

It doesn’t make you bad parents if you get a babysitter once a week so that you and your partner can go out on a nice, intimate, romantic date. As a matter of fact, it may even make you better parents. Parents who actually stay together. Parents who are able to give fully to their children because they feel nurtured and loved as an individual.

Teach your children now what it means to be a well balanced individual. Don’t let them grow up thinking that they have to sacrifice everything to become parents. Just because that’s what your parents may have done, does not mean that’s what you have to do.

Also, don’t forget…

Relationship Advice for a Desperate Man: Do ALL Women Want Kids? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 15:53:19 +0000

Many men find themselves frustrated with dating and understanding women…

This is compounded if he doesn’t want to have children because many men assume that ALL women want to have children. It even seems that many women use the topic of ‘kids’ in the early stages of the relationship to test how serious a man is about their relationship.

So if you’re a man, who does not want children, how are you supposed to have any chance at a long term relationship? As soon as you say "I don’t want children", the friction begins and the relationship ends soon there after.

Should You Avoid Long Term Relationships All Together?

If you’re still young, say less than 30, you may actually change your mind as you get older. So saying very adamantly, that you never, ever, want kids is not only harsh, but possibly untrue. How can you possibly know how you’ll feel in the next 5-10 years? You can’t!

If you are however, absolutely certain that you never, ever, want kids, then what is the best way to approach this problem with your new girlfriend?

Absolutes are never a good idea, not in life, and especially not in relationships. Rather than telling her "Never ever, no way in hell!", try a more subtle and less offensive approach, like "At this point in my life I don’t believe that I want children". Don’t lead her to believe that you’ll change your mind, but there’s no need to be so FIRM either.

After all, the only thing you can possibly know for sure is that you don’t want kids NOW, and you don’t want kids in the near future.

Do ALL Women Really Want Children?

You see, it’s not that all women ‘want’ children, but society teaches them form day one that they ’should’ want children and there must be something wrong with them if they don’t. Hopefully that’s changing as we mature and evolve as a society…

There is a very good chance that you will meet a woman who also does not want children. There are fewer women who feel this way, but they are definitely out there. A woman typically doesn’t make this decision until she’s a little older and these women tend to be the more driven and career minded. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her decision, and she’d be thrilled to know that she’s not the only person in the world who doesn’t want children.

There are also many women who, for one reason or another, are unable to have children. I’m not talking about the adoption crazed mommy wanna-be’s, but the women who have come to terms with their situation and are actually OK with it.

One other point that is important to remember is…