Starting Long Distance Relationships

If you’re thinking about starting this kind of partnership with someone, there are a lot of factors to consider. First of all, think back to your previous romances. Are you the kind of person who needs to spend a lot of face time with your significant other? If you know that you prefer hang time to phone time, you’re going to have a really tough go with a partnership like that.

You also need to think about whether or not you’re the jealous type. People who get jealous easily in partnerships often have a difficult time with far away love. When you aren’t there to meet your boyfriend or girlfriend’s friends and colleagues in person, it can be easy to imagine them flirting with others and possibly cheating on you.

That state of not-knowing can make a jealous individual start obsessing over all sorts of bad things in long distance relationships. It’s particularly important to have a strong sense of trust so when the trust unravels, things rapidly fall apart. Ultimately, you need to be someone who is fairly independent and can handle an element of the unknown in your partnership.

How You Can Make It Work

Should you find that you can do without a lot of face-to-face time, you can start thinking about how you’ll make it work. You will need to plan times to talk to each other on the phone and online. This includes both regular talking and intimate talking such as phone sex. It’s important to consider time zone differences and come up with a time of day that you’ll both typically be available during to talk. If you both get webcams, you can use internet video chatting services, that way you at least get to see each other every day, if not in person.

Of course, video chatting won’t make up for a lack of legitimate physical contact. You’re going to want to devote a portion of both of your incomes to a travel budget. As often as you can, go visit each other. Depending on the distance you live apart, you may be able to see each other every single weekend, or it might only be once every couple of months. Either way, make sure to set up a schedule where you trade off doing the traveling. Definitely make sure that you find a way to spend important holidays and milestones together, as well.

Do You Want An Open Relationship?

Some people elect to make their long distance relationships open relationships. That means that each party in the partnership is allowed to date other people, as long as they give their partner a heads up. Depending on how serious your relationship is, this could be an okay idea. However, this can often end up messily.

Sometimes one person is doing all the dating and the other one starts to feel upset about it. Just make sure that you’re both on the same page about the seriousness of your romance before you consider making it an open one. Never feel like you have to agree to open long distance relationships if you’re uncomfortable with your S.O. dating other people.

Regardless of it being open or closed, just know that you have to be able to trust your partner when you’re far apart. Make an effort to bridge the distance gap with regular communication and visits, and things will work out okay. Who knows? If all goes well, one of you may even end up moving to be with the other.

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Question: HELP! I’m in a long distance relationship, any tips on keeping the loving feeling going? My boyfriend isn’t really into phone sex. PLEASE HELP with any other suggestions!

–YouTube Viewer

Sexting

Send your partner racy texts or picture sexts throughout the day to remind him how hot he is for you. Encourage your partner to send you a few titillating texts of his own! Tell your partner what you want to do to him next time you see him, or what you’d like him to do to you. You and your partner will love getting unexpected, sexy texts at random times and you’ll always be on each other’s mind. If you and your partner see each other often, such as every weekend or every couple of weeks, sexting can definitely be a primary way of building up the tension leading up to the next face to face meeting.

Emails & Pictures

Emails are a great way to quickly send your partner a sexy little saying, and it’s also a good way to send him pictures of you (and vice versa) without having to get them developed. Read: as racy as you want. A word of caution when it comes to sending naked pictures of yourself over the internet: don’t send anything out that you wouldn’t mind being out there. The Internet is definitely not safe and a number of people may end up with their hands on your naked picture, even if all you did was email it to your boyfriend. However, this may not be a big issue for you.

Webcam Sex

Webcams really upped the game for couples in long distance relationships. Live webcam conversations are as close as you’re going to get to a real face to face conversation with your partner, and the same goes for sex too. Many couples have webcam “sex dates” and meet each other regularly for webcam sex. This is an excellent way for you and your partner both get relief from your sexual frustrations, as well as allowing you to feel sexually close to your partner and not allowing those loving feelings to subside too much.

Teledildonics

Teledildonics is the next big thing in long distance sex. Take remote control dildos and computerize them. Now you have a dildo that hooks up to your computer that your partner can control from their own computer. This is an excellent way to help your partner participate in your pleasure from far away. The downside to teledildonics is that they can be very expensive. Combine teledildonics with webcam sex for a long distance sex experience that is almost like the real thing! A cheaper way for your partner to become involved in your pleasure is to have a dildo made from a mold of your partner’s actual penis!

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Why Online Colleges Are Great For Relationships

Online colleges offer the convenience of taking your classes at home, and are easy to schedule around your life. You can choose when to do the work, so if you have a date with your partner or just want to spend time with them watching a movie or hanging out, you can complete your schoool work at a later time without consequence. You will, of course, have certain deadlines and times that things are due, but for the most part, online colleges offer the most flexible degree programs available today. Choosing to get your degree online is also a great option if you’re working or have a child with your significant other. Many people today, whether they’re in relationships or not, have responsibilities outside of school that they either can’t or don’t want to give up. You can also travel while you’re going to school online, so you can even go with your partner if they have to travel to go to a traditional college. Or, both you and your partner can go to school online! Either way, getting your degree online is a great way to prevent having to have a long distance relationship with someone you love.

Top Online Colleges

Since there are thousands of online degree programs and colleges available for you to choose from, sorting through the top online colleges to find the best one for you can be nothing short of intimidating. There are, however, many resources that can help you find the best online college based on how much you want to pay and what degree you’re seeking. Make sure whatever resource you’re using to find the top online colleges doesn’t promote one college or another – instead, look for resources that offer unbiased information on a variety of online colleges or resources that connect you directly with the colleges’ websites.

How To Choose The Best Online Colleges For You

The first thing to consider when choosing the best online colleges for you is which colleges offer the degree program you’re looking for. That will narrow down your search quite a bit! Next of course, is cost. While many online colleges cost a lot less than traditional colleges, money is still an issue. Think about what you and your partner can really afford, and if you’ll have to work to pay for school or if you and your partner can get grants, scholarships or financial aid. That will narrow down your list of the best online colleges even further, and all you have to do now is apply! Once accepted to the online degree program of your choice, you can go to school and focus on your relationship without having to months or even years away from your partner.

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Establishing Ground Rules

First things first, establish rules. How often will visits occur? Who will do the traveling (just one person or split half-and-half)? Most importantly, will you date other people while apart? Don’t wait until something detrimental has already happened to create some rules. Do it now.

If you agree to stay faithful to one another, don’t cheat. You’re probably asking, “Did you really have to include this one?” Yes, I did. Cheating is a very common (if not the most likely) reason long-distance relationships fail. One person gets lonely or meets somebody else, and without the boyfriend/girlfriend around to counteract these feelings, it can be easier to stray than you might imagine.

Trusting Your Partner

That being said, though, you must be trusting. Just because your significant other doesn’t answer the phone over the lunch hour (or in the middle of the night), you should not assume the worst (cheating, that is, though come to think of it, death is probably worse). Have trust in your partner; otherwise, the distance will constantly eat at you.

Give and take equally. Depending on your previously agreed-upon arrangement, you should each put forth equal efforts to making this relationship last. (What? You have no arrangements? Go back to #1 right now.) Even if only one person is able to do the monthly journeying, for example, the other should offer to pay travel expenses. Or, if you switch off travel duties, make sure it basically evens out in terms of mileage, money, and time taken off of work. If one person puts forth more effort over and over, he or she may start to resent the other.

What To Do To Keep Your Long Distance Relationship Alive

Webcam. Be creative. You’ll soon figure out the benefits here.

Have a plan. How long will you be apart? How will this relationship change over time? What will be different when you are able to live closer to one another? By deciding on a plan of action, you will not only be on the same page with your respective goals and timelines, but you will also have an incentive to keep working at the relationship.

Keep communication open. This may not come naturally at first, but clear communication is important in every relationship. Yet with long-distance relationships, it is mandatory. Because you are not around one another on a daily basis, your partner cannot easily determine whether you are upset and ignoring his calls or just plain busy at work. Moreover, if you are starting to feel the effort of maintaining this relationship is becoming exhaustive or you are starting to feel bored with the routine, let your partner know in order figure out a solution together.

Know when to quit. If your unhappiness or distrust is overshadowing your happiness while together, it may be time to call it quits, if only until you live in the same area code again.

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Question: Dan and Jen, I really need your help! I’ve found the most amazing guy, and we are currently in a serious relationship. The problem is that he’s in the Navy, and will be shipped out in only a month and a half! He keeps assuring me that he’ll never let me go, but it frightens me we might ‘slip apart’. Do you know how I can cope with him leaving?

–YouTube Viewer

Stay In Contact Any Way You Can

In this day in age, it’s easier than ever to keep in contact with someone over long distances. Cell phones with text, picture and video capabilities will help you feel connected to your partner when you’re away from him physically. Send him a picture of you at the movies that says “wish you were here” or “thinking of you.” Videotape important moments and send them to him. You can also use video chat and instant messaging on your computer to have longer conversations that can even seem like you’re together in the same room. You can also use cell phones, text and video chat to keep each other as sexually satisfied as possible with racy emails or dirty sexts.

Communicate With Each Other

Being completely open and honest with each other at all times during the long distance relationship is absolutely essential to keeping the relationship stable. Often, keeping things from your partner or even telling little white lies can snowball and create a big rift between you and your partner. Tell your partner how you’re feeling and encourage him to do the same. Talk about how you’re going to handle it when the need for physical contact arises and you two aren’t together. Talk about how you can make the situation temporary and make plans in the long term to eventually be together in the same place.

See Him As Often As Possible

One of the biggest reasons that  a long distance relationship don’t work out is that it can be difficult for one or both partners to make plans to see each other in person very often. Take some time to try to work out how often you and your partner can feasibly travel to see each other and try to make plans to do so as much as you can. Physical contact – with or without sex – is an important part of keeping the flame alive in your relationship. If you and your partner don’t make the effort to see each other over several months, it makes it easier for you and your partner to start drifting apart. With time, effort and honest communication, you and your partner can make the long distance relationship work until you can have a real relationship with each other.

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Question: Hi Dan & Jenn, I have an online dating question. I signed up for a dating website last week and a man, two years older than me from California e-mailed me a day later. We’ve been e-mailing each other constantly and texting/talking ever since, and he’s just told me that he wishes to be with me until he grows old- he even mentioned flying me to California whenever I wish to visit. The problem is, is it possible for a man who’s never officially met me to develop such strong feelings for me so quickly? I’m honestly really baffled by this.

–YouTube Viewer

Possible But Not Probable

While theoretically it is possible to fall in love online without having met them first, but it’s definitely not probable. There are too many unknowns when it comes to a relationship with someone online to really say for sure if you love them or if they love you. You may really like them and even have strong feelings for them (or vice versa) but is it really love? If someone tells you they love you before you even meet them, take it with a grain of salt. Often, people are unable to accurately express strong feelings for someone and may just be using the word “love” because they don’t have any other way of explaining how they feel.

In Love With The Idea Of You

When using online dating sites, there are lots of things you and your partner don’t know about each other and it’s difficult to say you love someone without knowing these things. For example, your partner may know what your favorite color is and what you like to eat for dinner, but he doesn’t know how you smell or how your hand fits in his. He’s unaware of your mannerisms, how you move and how a hug or kiss from you feels. These are all essential components of a relationship that can’t be obtained over the Internet. Generally, when someone says they love you when they haven’t met you in person it means that they are in love with the “idea” of you. Their imagination has filled in all the blank spots, and naturally they are in love with that person. But that’s not the real you! The way you kiss or hold his hand may be completely different than the way he’s imagined it.

What To Do If You Do Meet

If you do decide to meet in person, it’s important to consider online dating safety first until you’ve met a few times and have gotten to know each other. Meet him in a public place during the day for a short amount of time. A half hour coffee is probably enough to get your feet wet and allow both of you to decide if you want to meet again. At first, pay your own way so you aren’t indebted to him in any way, and make sure a trusted friend knows where you are and when you plan to be back. Take it slow and get to know them before being alone with them.

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Question: I have a question on long distance relationships. I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about 2 years now and we’ve been in a long distance relationship for about 6 months now. I live in Belgium and she lives in Canada. I’m 18 and she’s 16. What is your opinion on long distance relationships? Do you think we’re too young to have a committed relationship?

–YouTube Viewer

Too Young?

There really isn’t a “set age” for how old you have to be to be in a committed relationship. However, many teens are committing themselves to relationships with their partners before they’re even ready and this can often end in heartbreak. A person’s body – both mentally and physically – really isn’t ready to have a healthy, committed and happy relationship until at least the age of 26 and maybe even 27 or 28. Mentally and emotionally, we’re still growing before then. We’re still trying to figure out who we are and learning how to live in our own skin comfortably, and that can be difficult enough without adding another person to the equation. Getting into a committed relationship before you’re really ready – and have truly accepted yourself and grown into who you are as a person – can seem fine at first but can quickly turn disastrous. While some young people do have successful committed relationships, it is often not without struggle. Before you make a real committment to another person – long distance or not – make sure you’re really ready and don’t take the decision lightly.

Long Distance Relationships

Many people make long distance relationships work, but the most successful of these types of relationships are between two people have made plans to make the long distance part of the relationship a temporary one. Having an indefinite long distance relationship can be extremely difficult, and often doesn’t end well. If you haven’t already, consider making plans – even if that requires one or both of you to make some changes – to be together sometime in the not too distant future. The biggest hurdle you are going to face during a long distance relationship is not having any personal contact with your partner. Even a hug or a kiss makes a big difference in a relationship and goes a long way in making both you and your partner feel loved and valued. To make your long distance relationship work, make sure you and your partner are completely honest with each other. Having open and honest communication with your partner daily or as often as you can is the best way to try and keep your relationship afloat. Any dishonesty or a let down in communication will easily break the threads of the relationship, much more easily than if you and your partner were in a face to face relationship.

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Question: I am far away from my family and girlfriend, how can I easily get the taste of sex?

–Facebook Question

Masturbation

Masturbation is probably the easiest way to satisfy your sexual desires while you’re in a long distance relationship. You and your partner can both masturbate while thinking of each other, and with today’s technology, it’s not hard to feel like you’re in the same room with them! Use a webcam and even audio chat for the most realistic experience. Trade sexy, naughty photos with your partner via email or even on your cell phone. Text dirty things to each other, and make tangible plans to see each other soon to help keep the spark alive. Many couples in long distance relationships also have old-fashioned phone sex!

Sex With Another Partner

Your girlfriend may or may not be into it, but another way to satisfy your need for sexual intimacy is to have sex with someone else while you’re away. For this to work, however, you and your partner must be in a totally confident and non-jealous relationship with each other. This almost never works out, but it certainly is possible if you and your partner are both okay with having an open relationship while you are far away. If this is something you and your partner agree on, always make sure to communicate with each other and be open and honest. Also, make sure that you and your partner end the “open relationship” as soon as you’re back together.

Abstinence

Your third choice when it comes to sex and a long distance relationship is to simply abstain from sex and wait until you’re back with your partner to experience physical intimacy. This may sound extremely difficult, but actually, people in long distance relationships do this all the time. The vast majority of partners do prefer to masturbate and use technology to keep the sexual intimacy alive, but some partners simply choose to wait. Sometimes waiting, however, can end in an affair, so make sure that this is something you and your partner are okay with doing and see it as something you and your partner can accomplish. If you’re not sure about your ability to stay abstinent for a long period of time, try masturbation and stay in touch with your partner.

Long distance relationships will never be easy, even with text, phones, webcams and audio chats. For a long distance relationship to work, you and your partner must be committed to each other – and committed to keeping the long distance part of the relationship as short as possible. There has to be an end in sight. Relationships that will be long distance indefinitely or until further notice generally don’t end well. If you are committed to your partner and vice versa, you will both do what is necessary to make finite plans to be together – physically – at some point.

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When Your Partner Is MIA

Fair warning, the relationship advice this experience reminded me of is kind of morbid. Basically, the advice is to be fully present when your spouse has to be away for any reason because one of these days, one of you will die, leaving the other behind. When that happens, the sadness will take up residence in such a way that you’ll feel as if it will never leave. If you have had the opportunity before that day comes to allow yourself to experience physical separation, it will not necessarily make the grieving any easier, but you might understand that 1) you will survive it and 2) that sadness that fills your body is a testimony to the depth of the love you shared.

In the meantime, there are other uses for the experience of being fully present for how absence makes the heart and the body grow fonder!

How To Be Fully Present When Your Partner Isn’t

1. When your spouse is out of town and you have the house to yourself, you can appreciate him or her more as you stumble upon the things he or she usually takes care of that you, perhaps, have come to take for granted. Particularly if you have a list of complaints about what he or she doesn’t do, being reminded of what you don’t have to attend to because your spouse does can open your heart more.

2. In the mental space created by his or her absence, recall past loving events and feel your whole body open. Recall some of the humorous and quirky things that happened when you fell in love. When was the last time he or she did something especially thoughtful? Recall that and let it make you happy! What was your favorite thing that happened the last time you made love? Let that memory warm your heart!

3. Take the time to anticipate and plan for reunion sex! Reunion sex can be even better than make-up sex! The longing that has built up in your body can fully express itself once you’ve come back together.

4. Allowing the longing to fill your body can make you hunger for your spouse in a way that is very flattering to him or her. So figure out how to express that in some of those phone calls you exchange during the time apart.

5. Speaking of phone calls, there is always phone sex! It will not be as satisfying as reunion sex, but it will do in the meantime as well as create a reminder of how special and sacred the intimacy between you is.

So, the next time you have to be separated by business trips, sickness, family demands, etc. use the time to feel the longing, appreciate the sadness, and deepen the love. It will fill the empty spaces in your hearts and minds until you have the chance to fill the empty spaces in each other’s arms.

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Dear Dan and Jennifer,

 

 

I moved in with my boyfriend but missed my parents sooo much that I moved out to be closer to them. I hoped my boyfriend would join me, but it’s been 8 months and he’s still not here! I’m not sure what to do. Should I stay close to my parents or move back with my boyfriend?

 

–Jessica, NY

Cut The Cord

If your parents are playing a part in your long distance relationship – meaning, you haven’t moved to be with your partner because you’re afraid your parents might disapprove – it’s time to cut the cord. It’s important to separate what you want from what your parents want and decide what’s best for you – not what’s best for your parents. Take some time to really consider what you want out of your relationship and what you’re willing to do for it, aside from what your parents think or don’t think. It’s essential that you make this big life decision without their influence – it’s your life, remember?

Why Won’t They Move To Be With Me?

You might be questioning why your partner hasn’t moved to be with you or isn’t planning to – they may be content with the long distance relationship as is, or they may not be ready to move and leave their job and their current life. They also may be wanting to avoid letting you have the “power” when it comes to who will relocate to be with the other, or they may not want to be as involved with your parents. It’s important to sit down and discuss these issues with your partner, because if you don’t, nothing will get solved! If you’ve bought a house, or have secured a great career, it’s important to let your partner know about these things so they can decide how that weighs in with their job and their current living situation. Talk to your partner and go through several “mock” scenarios, talking about what would happen if you moved, or what would happen if they moved. You’re more likely to find a compromise if you and your partner talk things out together rather than just waiting for the other to start getting ready to move.

What Do You Want?

In the end, this situation is about what you want. It’s important to really think about your relationship and what you want out of it, as well as what you want out of life. Does your relationship satisfy you? Do you love the person you’re with? Or are you not sure whether this relationship is worth moving for? Ask yourself these questions to dig deep and really find out what you want, instead of letting it all slide by until you are forced to deal with the situation after it’s already become exacerbated.

If you’re really stuck trying to make a decision, talk to a therapist or someone else outside of the situation that can offer good, unbiased advice. Meanwhile, stay close to your partner through phone calls, emails, web chatting and web cams. If you’re planning on being with your partner eventually – regardless of who moves – it’s important to nurture your relationship and give and receive love in the meantime!

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Dating websites are running rampant and the invention of webcams and microphones, you can have an almost face to face conversation with someone else.

Unfortunately, many of these internet relationships don’t work out. Whether it’s a long distance relationship with a previous partner or someone you met on the internet, without physical contact, your relationship may wane.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m in a long-distance relationship with a guy I’ve never met. I’ve seen him on webcam, but that’s all. I seem to have fallen for him and I love him very much. We used to talk all the time, but lately we haven’t talked at all. The past few weeks, I’ve said only a few things to him and one of those times I was angry at someone and complaining to him. We seem to fight all the time and I don’t know what I could do to fix it. We’ve tried all sorts of things, but nothing seems to work!

Please help us! –Keely

Why Internet Relationships Don’t Cut It

Humans crave physical contact. From the time that we’re born, our bodies crave to be touched. It’s not necessarily a sexual need, it’s more of a physical need. We crave intimacy and closeness with other people, even if it’s just a hug or cuddling on the couch in front of a movie. Webcam love affairs and internet relationships are obviously lacking this very critical component.

If being apart from your partner is temporary, subsisting on webcam and phone communication is often enough to get you through until you are able to be together again. However, if your internet relationship is simply that, it can be difficult if not downright impossible to get the physical contact and intimacy you need from your partner to keep the relationship alive.

Online Introductions . . . Not Online Dating

Internet dating should be called internet introductions. It’s perfectly fine and actually quite helpful to introduce yourself to someone online through an internet dating website, because it helps you find the person that you think best fits your personality. Often, after a period of time communicating online and possibly over the phone, you can meet your partner in person and begin building a real life relationship.

Many people, however, forget to do that last part and confine the relationship to the internet only. This is a critical mistake that can cost you the relationship. An internet relationship isn’t enough to keep you and your partner satisfied, especially if it’s someone you met online.

If you really like your new partner, make an effort to meet them in person and try building a relationship with them.

Relationships are hard work.

It probably comes as no surprise that real life relationships are hard work. It takes a variety of skills such as listening skills, body language skills and interpersonal skills to make a relationship successful. If you get discouraged, it can be tempting to confine a relationship online for fear of getting rejected in real life.

This is no way to have a relationship! Take your time and have confidence in yourself to find someone that you like and that you can have a real relationship with. If you meet someone worthwhile, take the next step and meet them. If it doesn’t work out, take the time to find someone who you are more compatible with.

Dating and having real life relationships is a series of trial and error. If it doesn’t work out with someone, try dating someone else. You can also mix it up a little bit. Search online dating websites for matches while you also keep an eye out in real life for people you think you’d like to date as well. With some effort and a good attitude, you’ll find someone with whom you are compatible with and enjoy spending time and being intimate with!

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However, early on in relationships, it is normal to have questions and suspicions while you are still building that foundation of trust.

The question for you is what are you going to do about it?  Are you going to let your suspicions run your life and ruin your relationship?  Or are you going to face them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been going out with this girl for 2 months now and I really like her a lot.  She also has a 7 year old daughter.  I just don’t know if she really likes me or if maybe she likes 2 guys at once.

We live an hour away from each other so we don’t see much of each other.  I asked her if she maybe likes another guy or just doesn’t want her heart broken. She told me no, she doesn’t like another guy. Why would I say that? She just doesn’t want her heart broken. She has told me she wanted to take it slow and that’s what I’m doing or at least trying to do but, I just want to know if she really likes me or is just playing me.

How could I find this out?

- John, Illinois

Confronting Your Partner

Whether you live far away from each other or are just in a new relationship, you’re going to have a few things that come up while you’re still getting to know each other.  Do you think she likes someone else?  Does she think you’re not committed?  No matter what the question is, it is important to confront your partner and discuss the matter at hand like two adults.

When confronting your partner, don’t do it in a hateful or spiteful manner.  That will only serve to put them off before they even hear what you have to say.  Bring it up without being accusatory.  Remember, you’re not pointing fingers!  You simply want to hear their side of the situation. That said; when you’ve spoken your peace, listen to your partner.  Actually listen.

Trust Your Partner

If your partner tells you that you’re her one and only but she just doesn’t want to move too fast, you should take what she says and leave it at that.  Unless you don’t trust her, you have no reason to believe otherwise unless she’s given you a reason.

This is where trust comes in and learning to trust your partner like this is part of building a strong relationship foundation.  If you tell you’re partner that you’re committed and she doesn’t believe you, how would that make you feel?  What if she continued to ask the same question over and over, no matter what you told her?

You’d feel a little bit like a broken record, and that she didn’t trust what you said enough to believe it.  This is a bad way to build a relationship.  Trust what they say until they prove that you can’t.

Remember, people are innocent until they are proven guilty.

That doesn’t mean that you should go looking for things to prove your partner likes someone else or isn’t all that into you.  Snooping around shows that you don’t trust your partner as much as grilling them continuously about the same thing no matter what they say.

If you find yourself looking for reasons that you’re right, despite what your partner is telling you, you may be unconsciously sabotaging your relationship.  In that case, seek counseling.  You shouldn’t be digging around trying to find a way to pin something on your partner when she clearly says that it’s not true.

That said, the same goes for you.  Your partner should trust you enough that if you say something isn’t happening, it’s not!  Take it at face value and move on.  Move on with your lives together and don’t address the same situation unless something new comes up that leads you to believe otherwise.  If you build your relationship on trust and acceptance, you’ll have a long, steady road together.

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Can a long distance relationship work? We believe that it can under the right circumstances.

What if SHE doesn’t think it can? How do you convince her? This one’s a little more tricky…

Here’s a great question from a guy in this very predicament.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have known my girlfriend for about 2.5 years and we have been dating for 2 years. We met in college and both graduated in December We knew that we would live in separate cities in October. she adamantly stated at the time that she WOULD NOT and COULD NOT do a long distance relationship

But, because we both love each other, we stayed together anyway…

We have been living apart for 3 months now and have seen each other just about every other weekend. When we are together, we are both very happy. If you were to judge our relationship based on the weekends we spend together, it would be very healthy, but she seems to let the physical separation affect her opinion about our relationship…she still holds the mindset that long distance relationships do not work.

She tells me that she is extremely lonely during the week and needs human contact.

This long distance relationship is getting to be very difficult. I do think that our relationship would be very solid if we were living in the same city. We are each other’s best friends and have talked about marriage in the future.

What can we do to make sure our relationship lasts? I would also like her to change her negative attitude about the physical separation and have her maybe just consider moving to my second job location. Any advice would be appreciated!

Thanks!

– John

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Marianne is a clearing facilitator, personal development specialist and SuperTeaching trainer, providing in-depth and highly effective techniques and systems to “clear out your mental closets”; involving procedures which substantially reduce stress.

With 35 years of experience, Marianne delivers over 40 different programs covering a wide variety of issues people have such as unwanted limiting beliefs, removal of negative energy from traumatic incidents, relationship difficulties, communication ability enhancement, personal integrity makeover, attitude transformation, and bettering communication with their bodies.

You’ll want to read “The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid” right now because it will help you avoid the single biggest mistake that you can ever make in any relationship.

The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid

by Marianne Torrence

This mistake can destroy your relationships with children, friends, colleagues too.

One of the deadliest habits one can have is putting people down, devaluing them, making them wrong and all flavors of that activity. Everyone at one time or another has had experiences of feeling lessened or degraded by the attitude or comments of someone who was making them feel wrong or their communications of little value.

In a relationship or marriage, making your partner feel less, or creating an environment where people are afraid to speak because their communications are likely to be met by a putdown, is a sure recipe for disaster unless your partner is already disempowered or already accepting of the role of victim. Which hopefully isn’t the kind of partner you want or have got! But even if they are apparently accepting of this role, adding to it with putdowns will still backfire on the perpetrator.

In my many years of listening to people’s innermost thoughts and deepest hurts, I have observed that some of the deepest unhappiness and damage can be caused by people who continually emanate negative devaluing statements, creating an unsafe environment that kills the spirit along with any chance of a deepening and long-lasting closeness. And it is damaging to the person who does it too. Those around them may not express it, but the repressed hurt and resentment that accumulates will eventually rebound on the perpetrator.

The trouble is, a lot of the people who do this to others have no idea of the far-reaching effects it can have on the recipient. In my experience most aren’t confident enough or willing to ignore social niceties enough to just front up to the person doing it and just say “Knock it off – your put-down and make wrong communications are destructive and aren’t adding any value to the people you are delivering them to.”

The bottom line is… If a person has a tendency to put down their partner’s ideas, devalue their input, or have an attitude towards others that is derogatory, it is not likely that their relationships are going to develop and deepen. Nothing causes a person to build barriers around themselves faster than feeling put down and made wrong by the person they should feel closest to. And if they hold back their feelings about it instead of standing up to the person doing the make wrong, they will speed up the estrangement even more.

Well, so far all this probably sounds pretty negative, and you might be wondering if you can do anything about it anyway if you find yourself either doing this or experiencing it.

So what are some ways to prevent this habit from sabotaging relationships? Well, it’s simple, but not necessarily easy, and it does take practice.

One of the most effective things you can do is to focus on indicating that you have heard what someone said by acknowledging their communications. “I hear you”. “I understand that”, “OK”, “I got it”, “Good”, are all ways to show someone you understood what they said, without adding any judgment or negative attitude to it.

And when answering somebody’s communication focus on the positive, on appreciating other people’s points of view, and encouraging interchange rather than negating what has been communicated to you. “ I see your point of view”, “ I can understand how you feel that way”, “I appreciate your way of looking at that”, work much better to foster good relationships than “That’s silly”, “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, “You’re wrong”, “Shut up”, and various other negative replies.

A thing to remember about people who communicate this way is that it generally is a sign their own self-esteem and sense of self-worth is poor in that they feel they need to put others down in order to feel better about themselves. And additionally it means they don’t want anyone to be aware they feel this way.

So if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has this making wrong habit and you aren’t having any success in getting them to quit the habit, you might try commenting on it in these terms.

“You know, Joe, it’s been my experience that when people feel insecure and unsure of themselves one of the ways they try to make up for their feelings of inadequacy is to try to make others feel lessened by putting them down or devaluing them. Of course people who do this don’t realize if they keep doing it they’re pretty much sending out a signal that says ‘I feel worthless or not as good as everyone else so I am trying to lessen their sense of self-worth so they don’t show up my own inadequacy’. But I don’t suppose that’s why you keep doing it, is it? But I thought I’d better ask, because it worries me – Joe, do YOU actually feel inadequate – I wouldn’t have thought so, but tell me if that’s why you keep making less of other people?”

Some version of the above communication should work to make a person with a make wrong habit think twice every time they go to reply to someone with a putdown.

Knowing this information, you can also choose to simply not hook up in a relationship with someone who does this, can’t be brought to see that there’s anything destructive or damaging to relationships in doing it, and can’t easily change it or just plain won’t.

Realize that it’s not necessarily deliberate, that a lot of time the person IS unconscious of the effects, and may just be communicating in a way they learned from parents, school, work or any environment where people simply don’t know any better way.

There are other mistakes one can make in relationships, but this is one of the worst. No one wants to be around someone whose communication is killing their fun, their joy in life and indeed the very essence of their being.

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“Seven Keys to a Lasting Connection” provides practical steps to ignite, or keep that spark, in your relationship. This is a must read article that is guaranteed to improve your relationship (assuming you are willing to take action ).

Seven Keys to Lasting Connection

It doesn’t matter how excited you are about your partner if you can’t stay on the same wavelength and keep a connection over time.  Finding the right person is really less than half of what it takes to stay connected with someone.  In working with couples and families over the past 18 years it has become clear to me that being in love, or even just loving someone, isn’t enough to keep the relationship going.

To maintain that magical feeling of love and special-ness in a relationship we have to be willing to take 150% ownership of the quality of the connection in our relationships. There are certain things we have to be willing to do and to continue doing if it is our intention to stay in love and in connection with our chosen partner.

The exciting thing is that it doesn’t matter if your relationship is only 6 months old or if its 20 years old, these things will work to deepen your connection.  And, you don’t have to wait for the other person to do them, it’s not about what the other person does or doesn’t do. It’s about you deciding that you want to maintain that connection, and being willing to take that 150% ownership.

So here we go:

1) Love is an action: Show your partner how you feel about them every day, at least once a day. Do this even if you are in different states or countries.  Show your care don’t just speak it.  Saying “I love you” doesn’t deepen a connection unless it’s accompanied by actions. Leave love notes under your partner’s pillow when you are going to be out of town. Make sure the tires in his car have enough air in them before he leaves town.  Hug her every time she walks in the door. Think to get her favorite flower once in a while, for no reason. Fix the leak in the bathroom he’s been complaining about. Wipe up the counter and pick up after yourself like she has been asking.

2) We are all kids at heart: Recognize that no matter how grown up your partner seems, they are really a little kid inside.  (Oh yes, and so are you) We are all really just kids that have bodies that have aged.  Inside all of us are the unmet needs of our childhood as well as the playful spontaneous joyful child that we once were.  Throughout the time you spend with your partner, see if you can notice the kid inside them. Respond to that kid just as you would to a kid who has not yet grown older.

3) Bedtime sharing: If you live together, go to bed at the same time, together, every night.  This is huge. That means turning off the TV, the night-light and the phone.  This is your time together.  Cuddle and talk, make love if the urge strikes but that is not the point. The point is to talk about your day, your worries, and your hopes. Discover that in spite of all the time you have spent together, you still don’t know each other. If you don’t live together, or are not together for whatever reason, talk on the phone after you climb into bed…

4) Don’t let things slide: When your partner says or does something you don’t agree with or that upsets you, tell them.  Don’t just let it slide. This doesn’t mean making a mountain out of molehill, but be sure to give things that upset you the energy that they deserve. Pretending that something doesn’t matter doesn’t make it not matter.  You may think it’s not important but over time these things add up and cause resentments and distance.  You may not always have time to process the conflict at that moment, but at least let your partner know that you are having a problem and that you will need to discuss it later. When you go to bed together that night, discuss it, if you haven’t already.

5) You are not enemies: When you are in a conflict with your partner stop your arguing for a moment. Breathe deeply. Start thinking about what you love about this person, and what you are grateful for about them. Then remember that they are not your enemy.  In the middle of a conflict it sure can feel that way. It can seem that they are attacking you and you are the victim.  Instead of arguing your case back to them, listen to what they are saying and, more importantly, what they are feeling. Respond to what they are feeling. Own what you can about your part in whatever has upset them, this doesn’t mean agreeing with them, only that you can see that you have done something that upset them.

6) Touch well, tough often: Touch your partner as often as possible, and get them to touch you as often as possible.  Skin to skin contact increases a hormone called oxytocin, the hormone of love. Oxytocin increases trust and a sense of safety; it reduces stress and increases sexual arousal.  Most men and many women are touch deprived.  In many cultures parents are taught not to “baby” their children and they interpret this as not cuddling them.  Touch increases our overall sense of well being.

7) Play together. Be playful in your interactions. Have a sense of humor in times of stress. Find something playful to do that you both enjoy and make it a priority to keep it in your schedule.  Play is critical to our sense of connection to others, and to our joy in life.  In our culture we tend to get so serious and think that if an activity is not goal directed it has no purpose or meaning.  Yet play expands our ability to think, develops creativity and gives us a sense of joy. Playing together in both structured and unstructured ways develops trust and engenders caring.

Staying connected requires time a commitment to the relationship. If you are willing to do all seven of these things, your relationship will flourish Even if you just do a few of them your relationship will fare better than many, certainly than those who first walk through the door of my counseling office.

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5. 3 Ways to Make Your Long Distance Relationship Work

Can you offer any advice on how to make a proper go at a long distance relationship?

The Answer: Long distance relationships can be quite a challenge. The most important advice that I have to offer is that if you’re going to attempt a long distance relationship, be completely honest with each other about your expectations, make sure that you live your own life when your apart, and check your jealousy at the door.

It’s very important to keep your own friends and social circle and that you don’t sit by the phone waiting for him to call.  That’s the quickest way to go mad. Trust me; I dated a guy in the military who was stationed in Iraq. I lived by the phone for several months and was completely miserable the entire time.

The other thing that can kill a log distance relationship is jealousy. If you’re constantly worried about what he’s doing or who he’s with, again, you’ll drive yourself mad.

Recognize that we are social beings and we all crave companionship and closeness with another human being. Is it really reasonable to ask either of you to remain exclusive, when you’re so far apart? To ask each other to be lonely and miserable when you aren’t together?

Many people will disagree with me, but I don’t feel that a long distance relationship should be exclusive. You’re only setting each other up to fail or to at least be lonely. When you’re ready to truly be exclusive with one another – move closer so that you can really be together.

Lastly, be completely honest with one another in a compassionate and empathetic way. Tell the truth about how you’re feeling, but make it about how you’re feeling, not what the other person is or is not doing. Remember, you are the only one responsible for your feelings and your actions. No one else can make you feel a certain way or behave in a certain way.

Hope this helps.

In summary:

If you want to have a successful long distance relationship,

• Keep your own friends and social circle
• Check your jealousy at the door
• Be completely honest about your expectations and feelings

Take a few minutes to read our answer to a very similar question that we received about long distance relationships.

Long Distance Relationships – Can They Really Work?

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When it was time for him to move, I told him that if he was willing to change his mind, I’d love to stay together and do the long distance relationship, but he was sure it would cause too many problems.  He wanted to keep a friendship and to stay on good terms so a future together might be possible.  Since he moved, we have spoken almost every day.  He flew me to New York for Thanksgiving, and Florida for Christmas so I could meet his family.

It’s been bothering me that he won’t commit to be exclusive with me, so I told him to either stop calling me every day telling me he misses me and giving kisses over the phone, or show me he wants to be with me and be my boyfriend.  I felt like I was giving him the benefits of having a girlfriend, without him having the responsibility of having a girlfriend. He thinks I’m worried too much about the title.  I don’t know what to do because we’re a really great match.

Should I continue to talk to him and stop worrying about the title?

Or should I break up with him and move on to find someone who wants to call himself my boyfriend?

The Answer: I think your boyfriend is very wise and is showing great responsibility by not making promises that he’s not necessarily ready to keep. He told you up front what his expectations were for the relationship – something that a lot of men would not have been strong enough to do.

I agree with him, boyfriend is just a title.  The terms boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, and wife are often used to imply ownership. Titles are for cars, not people. We cannot own or control another person, especially their feelings and emotions - as hard as we may try…

It sounds like he really likes you and that you have a great relationship.

Why does the relationship have to be exclusive for you to enjoy each others company?  If your relationship is strong enough, why not just agree to be completely open and honest with each other. Agree to tell each other if you’re seeing someone else.

Seeing someone else doesn’t mean your relationship has to end. That’s just jealousy rearing its ugly head. Jealousy is an emotion of fear and control. We’re afraid of losing something that doesn’t even belong to us in the first place.

Since you’re so far apart

Why insist you each be lonely and miserable during the times that you can’t be together. Go out and enjoy life, rather than sitting around waiting by the phone. That way when you are together, you can really have fun and enjoy each other without the worry and dread of when it’s going to end and you have to be apart again.

If you’re afraid of losing him to someone else, then you are letting fear and jealousy get in the way of a perfectly good relationship.

Are you ready for a really controversial statement?

“Complete honesty and trust in a relationship is more important than complete monogamy.”

Trust has nothing to do with what someone is doing or who they’re with.

My definition of trust is “knowing that the person you’re with feels comfortable enough with you to tell you absolutely anything without fear of retribution.”

Dan and I have an agreement that if we are ever interested in someone else, we’ll talk about it and if it seems like the right thing to do, then so be it. Isn’t it a little selfish to keep our partner from being happy, just to satisfy our own selfish desires?

“Unconditional, or true love means that you love someone regardless of what they say, do, or feel. Love is something we give, not something we take…”

This is probably not what you’re going to hear from other people, but I recommend not trying to hold on so tight and letting things develop naturally. Enjoy the time you do have together. Life flows much more easily when we stop trying to control other people and make them fit into out tight little boxes. And trust me; we all have our boxes of how we think reality ‘should’ be.

In summary…

• Accept him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
• If you’re going to have a long distance relationship with him, then enjoy it for what it is, see each other when you can, and stop worrying about commitments and what he’s doing when you’re not around.
• When the time is right and you’re BOTH ready, you can make a more serious commitment.
• Worry less about what everyone else says that you should do and follow your heart.

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