Ask Dan and Jennifer » love triangle

Having Trouble Choosing Between Two Men? You Have to Read This!

Leland Beaumont — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 17:37:53 +0000

The question appears here as it was submitted by one of our readers, however the names have been changed to preserve anonymity.

Wendy Asks:

I have a friend (David) whom I’ve known for 2 years but our paths only crossed occasionally. We have always had a “connection” but never pursued the relationship because I was dating Craig.

David and I ran into each other again the first of the year and have been dating pretty heavily since then. Our feelings were strongly developing.

I had been trying to end the relationship with Craig since Christmas but felt I needed to be sensitive because he is very dependent. I told Craig I had been seeing David. He initially tuned it out because he was convinced we would work things out.

I catered to the pleadings to the point where I missed two engagements with David because I felt Craig was unstable. When I finally put my foot down and told him to “let it go” he started crying, claimed his chest hurt, etc. In the midst he asked if I would just have sex with him one last time and I reluctantly consented.

He then called David and told him I would always be his and he could prove it because I’d consented to having sex with him. When David asked me if it was true, I was honest.

I have truly developed feelings for David who is currently very devastated. He’s now taking time to see if he can open up to me again. We never talked about monogamy, he knew I was trying to end things with Craig, and he has a female friend himself.

I don’t want to lose what we’ve taken so long to develop and I don’t know what (if anything) I can do.

Please advise.

–Wendy

Answering Wendy:

Wendy, meaningful relationships are based on honesty, mutual respect, and clear agreements about monogamy. What were you thinking? Perhaps after thoughtful introspection and a sincere apology to David you can move forward with him.

Although the role of monogamy in human relationships is somewhat ambiguous, the sharp pain of jealousy is unmistakable. At its core jealousy is based on a threat to sexual access. Playing with jealousy is playing with fire.

You taunted jealousy and suffered the predictable result.

Strong and lasting relationships require total honesty with your partner. Agree first with yourself, then with your partner to always be flawless with your word. Make and keep promises to yourself and each other, especially when the relationship is at stake. You have not yet done this. If you can make an authentic agreement on total honesty with David, then there is hope for the relationship. However, if past events have irreparably betrayed your trust, then you have to move on beyond both Craig and David. Until you can be honest with yourself and your partners, your relationships will not strengthen and last.

Do You Know Why?

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Why Won’t He Break Up With Me Already?! (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 17:02:03 +0000

Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy.

Then suddenly one day, Girl meets a different boy. Oops.

Girl is shocked, confused (well, not THAT confused), and too afraid to tell the first boy about the new boy…

So what’s a girl to do?

This is a classic story that repeats itself over and over.

Yet this story rarely has a happy ending…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My boyfriend and I have been dating a few years now.

Now I met this other guy whom I really like. He has a girlfriend though he likes me more. I am flirtier with him. He makes me laugh and he is really cute. My parents and friends like him too. While hanging out we ended kissing.

I’ve been pushing my boyfriend away for awhile and he knows it and he don’t care. I am not happy when I am with him. I don’t want to kiss him, hug him or anything. He won’t break up with me, he is too "in love" with me. What should I do?

– Lost, Illinois

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Why Won’t He Break Up With Me Already?!

Hanging On Too Long Is A Mistake

The real trouble comes when you continue to lead the first boy along and hide your feelings for the new boy. So now you’re deceiving both boys. At some point the truth will come out…

One of the biggest issues in our society today is that people tend to hang onto relationships much longer than they should. No one is happy, but no one has the courage to walk away either. If the relationship isn’t working, then it’s time to walk away.

But before you make this huge decision, think about why the first relationship is not working.

Ask yourself questions like:

…

How Can He Love Me And Still See Her On The Side? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 13:16:52 +0000

What would you do if you started dating a man and the relationship seemed perfect. Except for one little thing… You find out that he hasn’t really ended his last relationship. He’s still seeing his ex while dating you. He sees her, he takes care of her emotionally and financially, and he won’t tell her about you.

How would you handle this situation? Before you jump to any conclusions, stop and think for just a minute… Is it possible to love two people? How many of you have found yourself in a situation where you love two different people for two different reasons and you’ve been forced to choose? In my opinion, whichever choice you make, you’ll never be happy because you’ll wonder what you left behind…

Here’s a desperate plea from a woman whose heart is breaking.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I began an intimate relationship with a man when he broke up with his ex-girlfriend. We love each other, and share our common goals and values in life. This seems to be such a perfect partnership. The misery came when I realized his relationship with his ex-girlfriend is not over. He still has an intimate relationship with her. Because of this, we have arguments all the time. He said he loves me, and he can’t live without me.

Whenever I ask him about his relationship with his ex-girlfriend, he tells me he needs to take care of her. They can be friends, and I have no objection. The problem is his care is excessive and unnatural. He won’t let me to meet his ex-girlfriend and he has no courage to end their intimate relationship.

Now he is not happy when I’m around, because he has less opportunity to contact her. He claims that he is losing his freedom.

I’m confused. Where is his love? Where is his promise? How can our relationship survive with so much doubt? I have sacrificed everything for this love, and I wonder what else can I give to save our relationship?

I appreciate your kind advice.
— A broken heart

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Why is he no longer with his ex?

Understanding this is crucial…

Commitment Issues… And Another Woman! (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 17:04:53 +0000

I think we’ve probably all been in, or have known someone in this situation…

You meet someone really great, you have a lot in common, you have so much fun together, you really click. There’s just one little problem. He already has a girlfriend! The particular type of man that I’m referring to says that leaving the other woman. He just won’t say when. He tells you to hold on, it’ll be worth the wait and you’ll be together soon.

Here’s a question from Marie who is in this exact situation.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I met this man online a year ago. I flew out to spent a few weekends with him knowing that he had a girlfriend. He keeps telling me he’s going to end it, to hang on that it’ll be worth it… But the last time I was there, he couldn’t tell me how he feels about me. So I said "OK,it’s time to walk away", but now he keeps calling and texting me. I don’t get it. He’s all I think about. He’s 51 and never been married and I’m not 20 any more! Please, it’s driving me crazy. I really like this man. We have fun, laugh a lot, and really have a lot in common. So what’s the problem? Oh, I might add that he’s still on the same dating site where we met. I know because I go on to chat with others while I wait for him. Thanks for any truthful advice you can give.

– Marie

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Dump him – he’s stringing you along!

I’m usually flexible on these things but on this one I say…

She’s Crying On My Shoulder While Living With HIM (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 21:59:59 +0000

Office romances are tough enough, but…

Take an office romance, add infidelity, and throw in an abusive relationship… and you have a potentially very dangerous love triangle.

Fact is, many people don’t get out much, and they meet their friends and lovers at work, at the gym, or somewhere in between. Office romances are a very common occurence, though potentially complicated and unpleasant if it goes bad.

It’s one thing to have a fling with someone at work. But it’s an entirely different thing to get involved with a married co-worker.

Courting a married woman

If the lady is married or engaged, things get a lot more complicated.

A surprisingly common scenario is an unhappily married man or woman looking for a way out, an escape from their unhappy relationship. Co-workers tend to spend more time together these days than do married partners, so it’s only natural for a relationship to blossom and grow, particularly in the case of someone with an unhappy home life.

But beware the complications and implied promises. She may be clinging to you as her way out, in a "grass is greener on the other side" sort of way, not in a "I want to be with you forever" sort of way. The closeness doesn’t necessarily mean you’re "destined to be together", or that you’ll even stay together once she leaves her relationship. Remember this isn’t necessarily malicious on her part in any way, it’s just the mind’s way of escaping a bad situation.

Abusive relationships… how to break the cycle

To take this up another notch, let’s throw in an abusive relationship. Not only is she unhappy with her partner, but he’s also abusive with her. So at home she’s emotionally and sometimes physically abused.

All of a sudden, your relationship with her is blossoming and growing more than before. You’re not only her friend and confidant, but in contrast to her spouse, you’re warm, loving, and kind – and she seeks and feels the promise of a better life.

This can be a good thing, but as you get close, you start wanting to help her escape her abusive relationship. You want her to be with you, and you want her to be safe, comforted, and happy.

But SHE is the only one who can break the cycle of abuse. She has to decide if and when she’s had enough, and she has to ask for help – or accept help. Until that time, until she has made up her mind that it’s time to leave, there’s no chance of making the abusive situation go away.

Are you in danger?

The other man is generally not too happy to see his replacement showing up… especially if he’s still engaged or otherwise in a relationship with the lady in question, and doesn’t yet know he’s going to out in the cold.

And when you’re talking about someone who is capable of violence, as in "an abusive spouse", this is a recipe for bad things to happen…