Ask Dan and Jennifer » lying

Top 5 Reasons To Cheat

He Said/She Said with John & Jenna — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 23:29:59 +0000

Cheating shouldn’t happen in a relationship, but it does. What are some of the motives behind infidelity?

What She Said:

Alienation of affection. If my partner cut me off physically and emotionally, I’d start thinking about looking elsewhere.
Unhealthy/dangerous habits. If my partner seriously got into drugs and was resisting all help, it would ultimately be a deal-breaker.
If he cheated on me first, I just might “have to” retaliate!
Meeting someone with whom I had crazy, undeniable chemistry.
Midlife crisis!

Honestly, I had trouble coming up with five reasons why I would cheat. It’s not something I believe I would do – though each situation is unique, so no judgment if this is something you’ve chosen.

Cheating happens – there are a myriad of reasons why, as we’ve seen above. For myself, my choice would be to end my current relationship before embarking on something new – as much out of respect for my partner as for myself. Think about it: Would you want to be cheated on? Most likely the answer is “no” – so don’t put your partner in a situation you wouldn’t want to be in yourself, even if the love has faded.

Cheating is usually a sign that something is wrong with the relationship. Hello, obvious! Instead of heaping more drama on the problem (even if it feels good at the time), why not stop and attempt to fix what’s wrong? Your next lover should be willing to wait in the wings while you work on wrapping up your previous entanglement. A clean slate – what’s sexier than that?

What He Said:

Chris Rock rule of LTRs: He said, “Show me the hottest girl on the planet, and I’ll show you a guy who’s tired of having sex with her.” So you’re partner is great, but you just need some “strange ass.” Not better, or worse, just unfamiliar.
You met your celebrity crush, and they are “good to go.” I don’t care how faithful a woman is, if she meets Brad Pitt or that dude from Twilight and he wants her, he’s going to have her. Plain and simple.
Your partner ain’t handling their business any more. To quote the wise philosopher, Shaft “it’s my duty to please that booty.” If they are not meeting this requirement, you’re probably going to look for someone who will and you probably won’t feel too bad about it.
You think you can get away with it. No, you KNOW you can get away with it. You’re in Vegas, or you’re away on business, on vacation, whatever. You know you will never come into contact with this person again, and even if they did, they can’t pin anything on you. They don’t know your cell number, name, etc. They can’t trace you. This sex act is like bigfoot: everyone knows it probably exists, but no credible evidence existing that can prove it.
Cause you’re human. Monogamy is not natural. It’s not unrealistic, but it’s not how we were designed. You were designed to screw around and still have someone waiting for you at home. You feel entitled to do as nature intended you to.

Top 5 Reasons Not To Cheat

He Said/She Said with John & Jenna — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 23:00:07 +0000

Cheating is almost never a good idea – here are 5 great reasons to avoid cheating on your partner.

What She Said:

I want to honor my vows. “For better or worse” is what I agreed to – and staying faithful means things will stay on “the better” end of the spectrum.
The kids. I don’t have ‘em, but I know a lot of couples that choose to act on the up and up – for themselves as much as an example for their children.
It should be number one, but my favorite reason is simple: love. My husband is my best friend; I’d never do anything to hurt him.
The grass is not always greener! Sure, it’s nice to daydream about that hunk giving you the eye at the grocery store – but he probably isn’t any better than what you have at home. And at least you’ve got that one trained!
Lying corrodes the soul. A good marriage is based on mutual admiration and respect, not deceit.

You don’t have to be married to honor vows. If you’ve agreed, as a couple, to be monogamous that’s enough to remove you from the market.

Monogamy Doesn’t Have To Be Boring

Monogamy doesn’t have to spell monotony. Bet you haven’t heard that one before, but it’s true! Think of ways to keep it hot with the one you’ve already got. Fantasizing is allowed – getting on with Brad Pitt in your mind can be satisfying and save your marriage. A win/win!

Trust & Intimacy Is Rewarding

Building intimacy in the long-term is a great challenge – and a great reward. It takes time to develop. Flirtation is fleeting, but a deep bond can last the rest of your life. Before you think about stepping out of your committed relationship, take a moment to think of the consequences. Trust can be a fragile thing, and once it’s broken it can be difficult to repair. Take stock of what you’ve got.

What He Said:

It’s called technology. It will fuck you, and not in a fun way. Anything you do online is recorded, somewhere. It’s usually not an issue, but when infidelity happens, it’s easier to prove and to nail your ass with.
It’s called the Internet. If you cheat and you piss off your significant other, they can and often will smear your ass all over the Internet. That means any sexy videos or photos you’ve taken, any naughty text messages, anything that can make you look bad to a perspective employer will be put online and will be easily found by perspective employers (who are looking for that kind of thing. Perverts).
The juice is almost always not worth the squeeze. Assuming that you cheat with someone and that sex is the greatest sex ever had in human history, it will still not be worth the hell your fidelity will put all parties through. Your other half is going to rip you a new one, over the course of several years, and then the legal system will reopen those still healing wounds and rip an additional one into the one he/she just ripped into you. It’s not worth it, even if you have some crazy, Justin Timberlake on tour sex.
The Chris Rock rule. Many people violate, what I call “The Chris Rock Rule of Infidelity” which states: the person you cheat on your partner with must be as hot or hotter than your partner. If you bang someone way hotter than your partner, well, at least they can understand on some level. You had a chance with someone way out of your league and you took it. They will be hurt, but they won’t be mad. If you just bang some skank who happens to be willing to do things your partner won’t, well, that’s your ass. She will be way pissed because you banged someone lower on the quality scale than you have waiting for you at home. If you do this, you are an idiot.
Fantasy is not usually the reality. Say you’re a 40 something guy and some hot 19 year old is all up on you and wants it. Bad. Do you really think it will be as good as you imagine? Sure, she’s hot and young, but she’s also young and crazy. She’s going to go apeshit when it’s just sex for you, and even if she doesn’t, it probably won’t live up to your fantasy. How Could it?

How To Reveal A Deep, Dark Secret To Your Partner

Andrew Wang — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 23:00:35 +0000

A relationship involves honesty and trust – so what do you do if you have a secret that you should share with your S.O.? We all have secrets, some of which are significantly less pleasant than others. Maintaining trust and honesty is probably the best relationship advice you’ll ever get. As a result, there may come a time wherein you have to come clean about a dark secret or two to your S.O.

It won’t be an easy thing to do, and you may be tempted to chicken out. That’s when you have to remember that your significant other will be far angrier about your secret if they find out about it from someone other than you. What many people fail to understand is that the act of hiding something is often as bad (or worse!) than the very thing you’re hiding. Keep that in mind and you’ll realize that you have to move forward with talking about your secret, no matter how difficult it will seem.

How To Make It Less Painful

There are, however, ways to make your big revelation less painful. First and foremost, never tell a dark secret in the heat of the moment. The time to tell your girlfriend that you have herpes isn’t in the middle of a hot and heavy make-out session. You need to tell her well before it gets to that point, and you need to do it in a manner that befits the gravity of your news. Wait until you’re in private and let her know that you need to talk to her about something.

Then tell her the bad news and provide her with as much information as you possibly can. In the case of the STD revelation, be certain to fill her in on all the precautions you can take together, on any testing she might need to get (which you should offer to pay for), etc. She will likely be upset, but your diligence will show her that you will do everything you can to make the situation right. Be understanding if she’s freaked out and needs a breather.

Sooner Is Better Than Later

Getting the secret out sooner rather than later is generally a good bit of relationship advice. The longer it festers before you bring it to light, the angrier your girlfriend will be. Let’s say that your credit is less than desirable. Your boyfriend has proposed to you and you’re having a discussion about all the things you’ll need to do surrounding your impending marriage. Instead of waiting to talk about your poor credit score until after your wedding, bring it up now.

When he brings up the question of whether or not you should combine your finances, be honest about your debt. Tell him you want to work together with him to figure out the best solution possible. No one enjoys discussing financial problems with their significant other, but it’s an important talk to have. You could keep it a secret now, only to have it bite you in the rear later when you try to apply for a home loan together. When your spouse finds out you hid it from him for all that time, he’ll be far more upset with you.

Maintaining Control Over The Situation

Another reason that it’s important to tell your significant other your unpleasant secret as early as possible is that it gives you more control over how you break the news. It’s better to have a serious talk on a day when your lover is in a good mood than on one when they’re already upset about something else in their lives. If you have to come out with a secret at the last minute, you can’t control what kind of day your mate’s been having. You also might not have time to prepare appropriately before then.

That means that you won’t have any good news, like being able to list possible solutions, to talk about alongside the bad. Plus, the longer you put it off, the higher the chance that your lover will find out from someone else or through another channel, which just makes you look like a big, fat liar. Plan out how you’re going to do it and make sure you have as much control over the situation as possible. As a result, you’ll likely have an easier time with your discussion. Take this relationship advice and do anything you can to soften the blow for your significant other.

Am I Cheating? I Can’t Stop Fantasizing About Other Men!

He Said/She Said with John & Jenna — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 23:00:12 +0000

Am I cheating? I’ve been married for five years. I love my husband. He’s the only one for me. I’d never cheat, but lately I can’t stop fantasizing about sleeping with other men. How do I make it stop?

What She Said

I say relax and enjoy your dreams! Sounds like you’re in the throes of some healthy creative visualization. Let your head hit the pillow, close your eyes and enjoy the ride. (Pun intended.)

Fantasies Are Normal

There is no harm in fantasizing, even if you’re happy with your hubby. Getting turned on by something in your imagination doesn’t mean there’s anything awry with your attraction level towards your partner. I’m sure your husband is equally as happy with you; however that doesn’t mean he won’t sneak a peek at a hot woman with a great rack. Men are generally more in tune with visual cues for sex while woman tend to be in synch with their emotions. It sounds like your sex dreams might be a nice blend of both. You’re allowed to daydream about whoever you want, be it Brad Pitt or the cute checker at the supermarket.

Transferring Your Fantasies To Your Husband

I say you’re in safe territory, as long as you keep your dreams relegated to bedtime and don’t start any real life extramarital affairs. In fact, have fun with these cues your brain is sending you. Enjoy the fantasies and then act out what you experienced in dreamland the night before in real time with your husband. Odds are he won’t mind the experiment one bit!

What He Said

Wait, you’re banging the person you’re going to be banging for all eternity, and you’re fantasizing about banging other people? Wow. I’d better alert the media. In other news, water is wet!

Is Monogamy Natural?

Here’s the deal: a committed monogamous relationship can be the most rewarding experience you’ll ever have. It’s also 100% unnatural. We’re literally not designed to be monogamous. That doesn’t mean it can’t be done. Just that it’s not natural. You can get upset about that or you can simply deal with it and move on.

This means you’re not only going to get turned on by other people, but you both NEED to get turned on by other people in order for your relationship to survive.

It’s Normal To Get Sick Of Your Partner Sexually

I don’t care how much you love chocolate ice cream, if you eat it three times a day you’re getting sick of it at some point. So you might need to flirt with some vanilla, or show someone your rocky road. Everyone needs a little Neapolitan every once in a while, I don’t care who you are.

Sure, you could feel bad about it, but what good would that do? I personally prescribe regular doses of strip clubs (for him and for her – they have those. That’s what Vegas is for), erotica and whatever else it takes to get your engines going. Other people are probably going to be the fuel that runs your collective car, at least occasionally. Just enjoy it and don’t be so Republican about it.

Then again, some of the biggest freaks on the planet are Republican, so maybe you should be Republican about it. Just don’t be a repressed Republican.

John Edwards’ Emotional Pyramid Scheme

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 21:00:41 +0000

The New York Daily News came out with an article on John Edwards’ lyin’ , cheatin’ ways recently where one expert offered the opinion that his untruths, denials and eventual admissions make “Tiger Woods look like an amateur.” I’m quoted in the same article, explaining Edwards’ propensity toward the thrill of the lying and cheating as part of an “emotional pyramid scheme” he constructed for himself and then became addicted to. As he heaped more and more lies and deceit on top of one another, he concocted an elaborate life that he was then able to fool the public – and apparently his own family – into believing.

Understanding Adultery

Creating this type of scheme is nothing new for addicts with the affair disease, who are constantly on the look-out for the next thrill, the next high. Frequently, people under pressure are susceptible to these desires as a way for escape, unfortunately this type of “escape” only creates more pressure and more stress, so the person must up the ante of the type of behavior they engage in. In Edwards’ case we now see he was lying about lying, lying about cheating, lying about fathering a child and so forth. It’s obviously a disturbing and upsetting cycle but it can be easy to get trapped inside.

Most of us will never face circumstances as extreme as Edwards’, but many, many of us are under intense amounts of stress none the less, ad then we choose to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alcohol, medication, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.

How To Avoid Destructive Behavior

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication and the ability to identify the potential for destructive behavior when stressed. This is true of any type of thrill-seeking behavior but can be specifically applied when in a relationship where one partner (or both) has been tempted by, or succumbed to, infidelity. In my book, Adultery the Forgivable sin, I expand on this idea of communication and ways in which I believe couples who would normally have a 35% chance of staying together after an affair can now emerge with a 98% chance of relational success.

Adultery is a disease, thrill-seeking behavior is an addiction and both are treatable. It’s caused by stress and fear of separation and loss. As I’ve mentioned before, successful people in the spotlight – like Edwards and Tiger to name only two – experience these emotions intensely and regularly because of their line of work. Edwards was likely especially challenged by fear of separation and loss when he lost his child and when his wife struggled through cancer during the elections. All these components can add up to make the life he faced as a politician even more stressful and frightening.

Of course I would never excuse someone’s adulterous, lying behavior but if we can seek to understand it, like we seek to understand other addiction I believe we can keep couples together.

Trust And Ultimatums – Can I Trust Her?

Paul Carlson — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 23:42:18 +0000

Many relationships are built on trust and honesty – in fact, many relationship counselors and therapists would insist that you have to have a foundation of trust and honesty to have a healthy and successful relationship. What happens when your partner breaks that trust? Do you give them an ultimatum? How do you learn to trust them again?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend tends to lie about the little things and I’m not sure that she’ll be honest with me on the big things. I know ultimatums are bad, but in this case would it be wrong to tell her that if she doesn’t stop lying, I’m going to end the relationship?

–Tony, Alabama

Ultimatums

Generally, ultimatums of any kind are a bad idea. Do you like being given ultimatums? Chances are, the answer is probably “no.” Ultimatums often cause more strife and heartache than the original problem did to begin with. If the trust in your relationship has been broken – for example, if you’ve been lied to – and an ultimatum is out of the question, what do you do?

Lies And Learned Behaviors

There are many different types of lies. Small lies, which are considered “white” lies, and the big, black kind that can really get you in trouble if you’re found out. There’s also lying by omission. If your partner lies to you – whether it’s a string of little white lies or a big black one, it can make you feel insignificant, frustrated and even angry. Before you make any big decisions though, think about this: sometimes lying is a learned behavior! Learned behaviors stem from childhood and the kind of environment someone was raised in. If your partner lies to you often, even if they’re little white lies, consider that they may have had to do this as a “mode of survival” in their childhood. Of course, if that is the case, undoing learned behaviors requires some good, old fashioned relationship counseling and therapy.

You Can’t Change People – But Can You Learn To Deal With Them?

So your partner may be lying to you – but how bad is it? Think about the good things in your relationship as well as the bad and make a list if you have to. You can’t change people, but you can change your reactions to people. By really sitting down and thinking about what is great in your relationship and what you love about your partner, as well as what you don’t, you can begin to decide which outweighs the other. Are you prepared to accept the little white lies because your partner is great in every other way? Is it something you can handle? Or are the lies bad enough that you’d rather end the relationship? Think about what you’re willing to do.

Talking To Your Partner

Of course, you need to talk to your partner about how you feel, but you can do so positively and without an ultimatum. If you’ve decided to accept your partner for how they are, let them know that their behavior sometimes does bother you but you love them anyways. They may feel incentive to change how they act on their own. If it’s a break up talk, be sure and let your partner know that you truly care about them, but the lies are unacceptable and it’s not something you’re ready or willing to deal with.

How To Tell If Someone Is Lying To You Over The Phone – Without Any Special Equipment

Simon Cruise — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:33:03 +0000

Have you ever been having a conversation with someone, say, in the office, at home or out-and-about and doubted the truthfulness of something they’ve said? If you’re like most people, you no doubt have. It’s a frustrating position to be in.

Even though you might suspect one or more of their statements to be false, you have no proof and can’t really risk accusing them for fear of being wrong, upsetting them and making a really bad impression. But what about if you aren’t with them face-to-face and talking on the phone instead or even listening to a message they’ve left you on your answering machine?

Your job, of accurately judging whether or not what they’re saying is the truth or a lie is made even harder. You can’t look at their eyes, view their body language or use any other visual clue to help you decide on whether or not they’re trustworthy.

So what CAN you do? Well, you can use natural lie detection techniques to get a good grasp on what they’re saying and, most importantly, whether it’s been made-up, twisted or is the entire truth.

Let’s look at 4 ways in which people alter or change the way they speak or the words they use when they lie to you. Listen out for each one whenever you want to tell if someone is lying to you, either over the phone or face-to-face.

Sign #1: Negativity

Liars know that when they try to deceive someone they’re breaking an unspoken moral and social code, lying, to any normal, decent person, is plain wrong 99% of the time. Because what they’re saying is negative, they themselves feel a sense of negativity and cynicism, which leaks out in the words they choose to use.

For example, a liar might say: ““I wasn’t there when the fire started,” instead of, “I was at home when the fire broke out.” Or “I never tell lies,” instead of, “I always tell the truth.”

Sign #2: Self-Referencing

When trying to deceive others, people frequently want to psychologically distance themselves from the lie or lies they’re telling. They often do this by decreasing the amount of times they use self-referencing.

For example, they might say: “That car was in the driveway. God knows how it could cause an accident at the same time.” An honest person is much more likely to not worry about referencing themselves in their statement, and might instead say: “My car was parked in my driveway. I don’t know how it could possibly have been on the road and caused an accident at the same time.”

Sign #3: Verbal Disclaimers

There’s a type of verbal deceit signal that many liars use that actually occurs before they tell you a lie, rather than during or after. They are called verbal disclaimers.

They consist of sentences that precede a lie, which ‘prep’ the person who’s about to be deceived in an attempt to lessen the chance of them suspecting dishonesty or becoming suspicious of the liar’s claims.

For example, saying things like: “I know you probably won’t believe this…” And “I can assure you…”

Sign #4: Speech Speed

Because of the complicated mental task of constructing a lie and the equally tricky task of expressing it in words convincingly, liars often unknowingly slow down their speech speed to help their brains cope.

As well as slowing down the speed at which they talk to give themselves extra time to think up what they’re going to next, liars also do it because they know that speaking more slowly gives their statements more weight.

It also allows the person or people listening to take in everything the liar’s saying, which decreases the chances of them asking further questions, thereby lessening the chance of the liar being caught out.

There you have it: 4 verbal signs you can spot to ascertain whether or not someone is lying to you. The great thing about knowing these 4 signs, and the dozens of other signs and pieces of info we haven’t covered here, is that 99.999% of people HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THEM and cannot therefore try to avoid exhibiting them to keep up their con.

How Keeping A Journal Can Reveal If Your Lover Is Cheating

Jim Walthby — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 13:05:32 +0000

Our minds aren’t perfect at remembering special details and specific facts. Far from it.

Our brains work selectively; they store and recall certain bits of information while forgetting others.

For example, you might remember, for whatever reason, a phone number that has little or no importance to you, but forget the birthday of someone you really should buy a present for.

For the most part, this selective/subjective memory trait creates no real problems in our day to day lives. We can look up a number if we forget it, or ask a friend of a friend for the day of the month on which someone’s birthday falls.

When Selective Memory Is A Problem

However, sometimes it can make things slightly trickier. One such time is when we suspect our partner may be cheating on us. Imagine you walk into the room just as your partner is putting down the phone and they seem a little on edge or tense as they turn around and see you.

The incident may stick out in your mind for weeks, niggling at you, making you wonder: did it mean something, was it a sign? Fast forward to a different occasion, when your partner returns home from a business meeting or other engagement late and immediately jumps in the shower, even before properly saying ‘hi’ to you.

You might rationalize their behavior by thinking: “Well, they were probably tired or something. They surely just felt like refreshing themselves with a shower,” then forget all about it.

You might be 100% right, but that’s not really the point. The strange phone incident and the unusual dash to the bathroom on returning home could both have happened because your partner is cheating on you, and conversely they both could be wholly innocent and not caused by infidelity.

The point here is, remembering one incident over the other and thus giving it more weight or meaning than the other in your mind could potentially make it much more difficult to ascertain what is or isn’t going on, whether they’re trustworthy or not.

So, to combat the human tendency to selectively remember and therefore consider some incidents more than others, and therefore improve your chances of revealing the truth, you should keep an objective, non-selective record of everything that happens. Here’s how it works:

Keep A Journal

Use a journal or diary, not a digital method of recording events, changes in behavior/habits/moods, etc. Noting things in your own handwriting allows each piece of information recorded to be absorbed more deeply and permanently by your mind than if you type them out quickly on a computer.

Also, paper records (a diary, journal, etc.) are usually more portable than laptops, PC’s, etc., which could come in handy if/when you spot a potential sign of infidelity away from home.

Be Objective

Keep your journal as objective and neutral as humanly possible. Note the time something unusual, strange or suspicious occurs, if you’ve noticed it before, and what it consists of.

For example, saying: “Today (insert date) they came home 2 hours later than usual from work, it’s happened once before and they offered no reason or explanation for their lateness” is much better and more useful in the long run than: “They came home late again! They had no reason to be late at all. It must mean something.”

So, be specific, neutral, accurate and non-judgmental. A time will come when you’ll make a decision on whether or not you can trust them and it’ll be then when an emotional response will be completely warranted and understandable. Until then, record what happens like a robot. I’ll help unravel the mystery and reveal what the hell is or isn’t going on.

Keep Your Journal Hidden

Finally, keep your journal/record hidden away somewhere where it won’t be stumbled upon by your partner. If they ARE cheating and find your diary, it could easily make them more secretive and more careful not to give out noticeable signs of their infidelity in the future, thus making your job of uncovering the truth more difficult.

If they find it and are NOT cheating, they could feel insulted or hurt that you don’t fully trust them. That’s an issue that, if appropriate, can be brought up by you after you’ve completed your little ‘investigation’. For now, secretiveness is quite possibly one of your greatest allies in discovering whether or not your partner’s having an affair.

Cheating And Infidelity – Can It Really Be Prevented?

Chick In Heels — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 13:05:19 +0000

I always find it fascinating to hear people discuss infidelity and what could have prevented it or what the cheater ‘should have’ done before stepping outside of their relationship.

Are couples really supposed to think about how to KEEP their partner from cheating or how NOT to cheat?

Do We Really Need to Anticipate Cheating?

The thing about cheating in most cases is, it’s not an anticipated occurrence. I mean, no one gets married or enters into a relationship thinking that they will cheat or that their partner will. So all of the ‘couldda-wouldda-shouldda’ talk seems meaningless to me.

Some experts suggest that the partner who was cheated on did not adorn enough attention or appreciation on the cheater. Other experts solely blame the cheater on breaking their vows or stepping outside of their relationship in greed.

Talking About it Before it Happens

Many tend to agree that couples should sit down and have a discussion at the first sign of trouble or to be open with the other partner about their unhappiness in the relationship prior to having an affair occur. I find that thought wildly unrealistic.

I think if you are at a stage where you have to sit down and have ‘that conversation’ things are already too far gone. Plus, I would bet that there are a very minimal percentage of people who would actually HAVE a conversation like this prior to any affair happening. It just doesn’t happen like that.

As much as we’d like to believe that our partner would ‘at least’ show us the respect of exiting the relationship before a third party interferes, most times, it just doesn’t work that way. The list of what ‘to do’ or what ‘not to do’ when it comes to a faithful relationship is endless.

A true realization of the risk factors to cheating are never fully appreciated until the scope of the reality sets in. In other words, until the cheater is caught or confesses out of guilt. Many men (sorry guys!) have stated that they would indeed cheat if they KNEW for sure they could get away with it.

Unless you can erase your memory, I don’t believe you can ever truly get away with cheating. In most cases, something’s gotta give. Sometimes that will include losing custody of your children, losing your home, losing the person you may have actually loved more.. never truly anticipating that you might be found out.

Does Cheating Really Add Something to the Relationship?

There are those who believe that the odd affair can ‘add’ something to their marriage.

Maybe they have the affair then realize what they ‘really’ have at home and come to appreciate it more. Perhaps the affairs are what keep the cheater feeling fulfilled, and if they are serviced in the area of desire while their partner services all of the ‘other’ needs they figure they might be able to have their cake and eat it too.

So much of cheating is about rationalization, however irrational it truly is.

End It or Stay In It?

For couples who have discovered adultery has occurred, your choices are to end the relationship and move on or attempt to mend the fences. I believe the latter is much easier said than done. Forgiving an affair is one thing, forgetting it is entirely another.

Once basic trust is lost, I don’t know if it can ever be regained. Does the discovered cheater want to live the balance of their life proving themselves and being mistrusted? Does the partner who was cheated upon not realize there are always more options then the person in front of you? There is.

There are always, and will always be other options and temptations for everyone in any relationship. The best you can do is to worry about yourself.

Prevention Just Doesn’t Work

It is my fundamental belief that you cannot do anything to prevent someone from cheating. No matter how badly we’d all like to think we can. There are always couples where one person is shocked that their ‘perfectly happy’ relationship has been rocked by cheating.

However, most cheaters do not feel the same ‘perfect happiness’ that their partners suggest. Not everyone feels the same way even though they are in the same relationship. The best we can do is to try to be happy and fulfilled with the relationship we are in.

If your partner strays then they are not the best person for you anyway and we all deserve better. If you are the cheater, you are obviously missing something in your current relationship as well. The desire I seek in a successful relationship is to make my partner feel as though they are the happiest person in the room at all times.

I also expect my partner to do the same in return. Enjoying one another is vital. Attempting to change a person is not a viable option. Connection is key. Appreciation is also key, however, you don’t have to kiss your partner’s ass in order to save your relationship from the threat of infidelity.

You’ve got to WANT to appreciate that person, and they do the same for you. Be your best person and fully expect to get what you give. If you worry your relationship will be hit by a bus one day, you’ll waste precious time when the outcome of tomorrow is almost always uncertain at best.

Do You Now This Surefire Way To Catch A Liar Without Looking Suspicious Youself?

Simon Cruise — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 13:16:32 +0000

Like most people, I’m sure you hate being lied to. In short, other people’s lies make our lives more difficult to live.

The problem most people who think they’ve been lied to face, apart from finding out the truth, is confronting the person that’s been conning them. It’s a really tricky social situation – what if, by some chance, they weren’t lying?

Or what if they were lying but won’t admit it and instead just choose to blindly deny being deceptive? Dozens of questions and uncertainties make tackling a liar and untangling theirs lies a difficult task for anyone to face. But there ARE things you can do to help you succeed.

We’re going to look at just one technique of many that you can use to first discreetly acquire additional, hard proof of someone’s untruthfulness, and then use to confidently confront them safe in the knowledge that they cannot possibly deny what they’ve done…your evidence is simply too strong and damning. It’s called…

False Fact Contribution

This discreet detection technique is a favorite of many skilled natural lie detectors, purely because of its high level of effectiveness and reliability. In involves the adding of a fictional fact of your own that relates to their suspected lie, expressed as the truth, to evoke a telling response from them that you can use as a measure of their reliability.

Here’s an example. Your partner has supposedly been to the movies with a friend, but you have a sneaking suspicion that they may not be telling you the truth. When they return home you casually say hi in a non-threatening, relaxed way.

Once you have eye contact with them, you mention hearing on the radio that there was a massive road traffic accident outside of the movie theater and ask if it caused them any trouble when they had to leave. Now, if your partner IS lying, they are in a might tricky situation.

Do they go along with what you’ve said, assuming it to be true, and say that they saw the accident scene and got out fine, or do they risk saying they saw nothing? The key to using the false fact contribution technique lies in making the fact you use something they cannot have possibly missed (if it were true).

What You’ll Get

This means you’ll get a usable, telling response from them. Either they’ll make a reference to it and therefore expose their dishonesty. Or, having actually gone to the movies, they’ll say, truthfully, that they saw nothing. In this scenario, you quite casually brush the whole thing, and say you must have misheard the road name on the radio or something along those lines.

Remember, take note of how your partner, or whoever you’re using this technique on, reacts when you contribute the false fact. Watch for changes in their body language, a lessening of eye contact and any attempts they make to quickly change or ignore the subject you’ve raised. Looking for these signs give you the best chance of acquiring what you deserve: the truth.

3 Common Signs Your Partner May Be Cheating On You

Jim Walthby — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 19:14:33 +0000

An unfaithful husband, cheating wife, any kind of disloyal partner, is an ugly prospect. And that feeling of being betrayed by someone we thought we could trust more than anyone else is one of the worst.

People who discover their partners have been unfaithful to them go through a hurricane of different emotions – anger, sadness, shame, dejection, sometimes even relief. It’s a grieving process, not of a person that’s died, but of a relationship and level of trust that’s instantly disintegrated. In short, it sucks.

But before you can begin “grieve” that loss of trust, or simply throw caution to the wind and ditch your partner for good, you need to make absolutely sure your reaction will be 100% warranted. You need to know without doubt whether your lover has, in fact, double-crossed you by looking for, finding, and partaking in, an affair.

The only guaranteed way of knowing this, aside from finding damning physical evidence or seeing the affair with your own eyes (both pretty rare), is by hearing a confession straight from the horse’s mouth, by communicating your suspicions with your partner and listening to what they have to say however heartbreaking or relieving their response might be.

But before you take that big step, there are a few simpler and smaller steps you can take to make the whole process, the whole “investigation” and confrontation of your partner, easier and more factually accurate.

The first thing you should do is look for some of the most common signs/groups of signs people produce when they cheat. I’ve listed 3 of them below. Read over and think about each and carefully consider if they apply to you, your partner and your relationship.

1. Changes in sex drive and sexual behavior

Sex is almost always an integral part of a happy and healthy relationship between two people. So when one of the two, regardless of whether it’s the guy or the girl, begins to cheat, it doesn’t come as any surprise that changes in the way they feel about having sex with their partner can be brought about. There are two main ways these changes can manifest themselves.

When the cheater initially begins their affair they may, out of guilt and in an effort to avoid the newly formed affair being rumbled, actually increase the amount of attention they pay their real partners in bed. Conversely, and usually a little while after the affair has begun, the cheater may appear to have a loss of sex drive.

They, for some reason, seem to not want to be intimate with you as much as they used to. Once again, this can be attributed to guilt, but more often it’s to do with a fear they’ll reveal their infidelity through they way they behave before, during and after having sex with you.

2. Peculiar changes in habits & schedule

When people cheat, they invariably change their behavior and/or habits in some way, small or large. The reason they cannot avoid these alterations is because, no matter how infrequently or secretly they see the person they’re having an affair with, they MUST, at some point or another, go out of their way to do so (and thereby break or change habits and behavior).

So, look for recent and pronounced modifications in the times they come home/leave the house (and whether the changed times ‘repeat’ weekly), increased usage of the phone or computer for no obvious/innocent reason, and other differences in the way your partner acts and behaves.

You know your partner’s old habits and ways of living better than anyone, so draw from that knowledge to compare how they might have changed them and to decide if the changes are to be taken as possible indications of betrayal.

3. Miscellaneous indicators of infidelity

Lastly, there’s the group of infidelity indicators that don’t fit in any other box or under any other title. They’re the things you notice, question and cannot innocently explain away.

They’re the things you spot but almost choose to forget because you’re so unsure of what they may or may not mean and whether, ultimately, they are true signs that your partner is cheating on you with someone else. Here are just a couple of miscellaneous indications of infidelity:

Your partner no longer seems to get angry with you when in the past they always seemed to be picking a fight or getting worked up over any tiny issue. Cheaters often ‘let their partners off’ because they want as little confrontation (which could lead to a discovery on your part) as possible.
She or he frequently shifts the focus onto you. Cheaters often asks their partners more questions about how their day went, how they’re feeling, etc, again, to shift the attention away from them and their guilt.

Remember, when you suspect your partner may be cheating, always take the smaller steps, by looking for the kinds of subtle signs listed above, before taking the biggest step of all: confronting them. Doing so will give you the very best chance of a happy, or at least a more manageable, final outcome.

How to Tell If Someone’s Lying Just By Looking At Their Hands…

Simon Cruise — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 13:08:29 +0000

It’s a fact: other people’s lies make our lives more difficult. They distort and twist the truth, con us into believing things never happened, or took place when they shouldn’t have.

There are literally thousands and thousands of ways people’s untruths and falsehoods taint and make living our daily lives more of an effort than it really should be.

So what can we do about it?

Putting a Stop to the Lies

How can we put a stop to lies the second we hear them and reveal the real truth, the actual facts, the exact situation?

The answer is natural lie detection – techniques, strategies and knowledge that give a person the rare and invaluable ability to separate the real from the fake and always know what to believe and what to question.

So, what does it consist of? Well, natural lie detection uses no machines, test papers, no video or audio recordings. It is, as the name suggests, a science based on human perception and skill.

The Three Main Components

It has 3 main components. They are the interpretation and analysis of: body language, psychology, and verbal communication. By having a deep and expert knowledge of all three, you can become capable of spotting 99 out of 100 lies, whether they’re spoken over the phone, in person or even over the internet or via text message.

Although learning these special techniques isn’t difficult when you have the time and proper reading material, it does require more space to explain than this short article allows. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t go over one way many liars give themselves away.

This collection of principles falls under the body language category of natural lie detection and focuses solely on how a dishonest person uses, or avoids using, their hands when they’re being deceitful.

Hand-Related Signals

There are 3 main hand-related signals of deceptiveness.

Signal #1: Hand Gesture Frequency

People use their hands to visually illustrate and emphasize their statements. It’s a way of painting an abstract picture in the air to better help the person or people they’re talking to understand the concepts being covered. When someone lies, however, their mind works differently to how it normally operates. Their thought process is dominated by the act of being dishonest convincingly and they therefore tend to change how they use their hands.

The first change you should look for is in how often they gesticulate with their hands while talking. The majority of people, when they lie, lessen the amount of movements they make with their hands because they subconsciously want to restrict the volume of information being given to the person they’re lying to out of fear of saying too much, either verbally or physically, and getting caught out or questioned.

The More Proficient the Liar, The More Hand Gestures They Use

More proficient liars, or people who have rehearsed or planned a lie before telling it, actually tend to increase the frequency of their hand gestures. They’ll slice the air more with the blade of their hand or point their finger and clench their fists more frequently to illustrate and back-up what they’re saying.

So, in short, look for a marked difference between the amount of hand gesticulations a person uses when in normal, day-to-day, obviously truthful conversation and when you suspect they may be lying to you or have a good reason to twist or otherwise alter the truth.

Signal #2: Hand-To-Face Actions

The second signal you should look out for is an increase in the number of hand-to-face actions a person makes when you think they could be lying. The main reason they touch their faces more often when lying than when telling the truth is because of the internal social pressure they’re feeling, which leaks out in the form of hand-to-face actions.

Look for moments when the person momentarily covers their mouth with their hand or fingers. This is a subconscious attempt to stifle themselves and physically block the lie from leaving their lips. They do this to futilely try to block their falsehood from reaching you and thereby decrease the chance of getting caught and lessen their feeling of guilt.

However, many people are on some level aware of how mouth covers may be interpreted (as a sign that they’re lying) so instead try to camouflage the action by instead lightly touching their nose (which indirectly covers their mouth with their hand).

Another reason many liars touch their noses is because of the increased blood-flow that occurs in its deep tissues, which creates an almost imperceptible tingle that, although not consciously felt and reacted to, causes the liar to unwittingly touch their nose for a moment.

So, always keep an eye out for increased hand-to-face actions, especially those that cover a person’s mouth in some way or another.

Signal #3: The Hand Shrug

When people don’t know the answer to something or want to convey the messages: “I’m not sure,” or “I don’t care,” they often lift and quickly drop their shoulders in a shrugging motion. A variation of shoulder shrugging is the hand shrug: a quick lifting and dropping of one or both upturned hands.

What It Means

Like shrugging with the shoulders, it’s a way of expressing a type of diminished responsibility in regards to an issue or topic, and that’s why liars tend to overuse the hand shrug while being dishonest.

Instead of using it only to accompany words that express a feeling of uncertainty or ambivalence, the way people do when being honest, liars use the hand shrug alongside verbal statements that don’t relate to “not knowing” or “not caring.” They do this subconsciously to distance themselves from the lie they’re telling.

Look for these 3 signs of potential dishonesty whenever you suspect someone might be lying and you’ll be a step closer to becoming a true master of deceit detection – a human lie detector.

8 Ways You May be Betraying Your Lover

Scott and Stephen Petullo — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 18:45:17 +0000

Infidelity comes in many different forms besides having a sexual relationship with someone other than your lover, assuming you’ve agreed to a monogamous relationship with that person.

We’re often asked how romantic betrayal relates to spiritual tenets such as karma and personal destiny. In two words, a lot. Our long-term empirical research firmly indicates that everything you do and say will return to you, and usually not in the same lifetime.

The Big Picture

When looking at the big picture in relation to your love life, it’s important to realize that key circumstances and events, ”good” and “bad,” happen because that’s the way your soul (not your personality) planned them before birth so you can learn your lessons and grow spiritually.

However, you do have free will to make the most of every situation. You can also limit your future life karma by treating others as you want to be treated now. Below we list five ways you may be betraying your lover, possibly even without realizing you’re doing so.

1. Emotional Cheating

You have an emotionally intimate relationship with someone other than your spouse. You’re not sleeping with this other person, but still you have an intimate connection that you explore and nurture. If this sort of relationship isn’t acceptable with your spouse, then you are betraying them.

2. Fantasizing Outside the Relationship

You’re regularly fantasizing about someone else, even while in bed with your partner. If you and your partner have an agreement that it’s okay to do so, then fine, but beyond that, it’s a form of betrayal.

3. Disregarding Personal Health

You stop maintaining your health, take up unhealthy habits that cause your looks to deteriorate and, or otherwise are not making the most of your appearance and looking your best for your partner.

4. Decreasing Sexual Frequency

You limit the amount of sex between you and your significant other. Worse, you start to offer sex to your partner only under certain conditions, perhaps in exchange for something such as giving you more of his or her disposable income.

5. Cutting Off Your Partner

You cut off your lover emotionally or intellectually, or otherwise limit or sever vital human contact. Sure, relationships go through certain stages where you may change the way you relate, but to intentionally starve him or her of the type of emotional or mental contact you had prior is a form of betrayal.

6. Financial Irresponsibility

You are not financially responsible, spend more than you both make or have, and risk his or her good credit standing. Telling your lover he or she should be making more money isn’t an excuse for spending too much.

7. Just Pretending

You pretend you are in lust and love but you aren’t. Nobody likes to be with someone who really isn’t into them, but pretends to be.

8. Loving Someone Else

You are in love with someone else and, or you simply don’t love your partner anymore, yet you remain with them and pretend everything is great because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. This is actually selfish because you are keeping them from being with someone more compatible.

In a karmic sense, all of this behavior is ultimately betrayal and just as negative as fooling around behind your lover’s back. In fact, altering your behavior in any way, to your lover’s detriment, after a commitment has been made, is cheating. What to do if you are on the receiving end, you ask? We don’t recommend retaliating with similar behavior, since it will incur negative karma.

But if you’ve done all you can do to help your relationship, and your partner refuses to do their part, it is your right to sever the connection and leave if the betrayal or betrayals push the union beyond repair. You won’t incur any negative karma if you leave as peacefully and fairly as you can.

Should I Give My Cheating Man Another Chance?

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 19:20:28 +0000

Whether you’re in a brand new relationship or a years old marriage, being cheated on is devastating. The idea of losing a relationship and the person you love can be even more devastating.

Should you give your cheating partner another chance or does it end here?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve had the feeling my bf was cheating on me. I’ve caught him in multiple lies about were he was, why it was taking him hours to get home from work, where his money was going… In the end through checking his voicemail and email I found out that he was cheating. I have even gone so far as to show him the emails and tell him about the voicemails. He still insists that it never happened. I am willing to give him one more chance if and only if he comes clean and is completely honest with me. Am I foolish to think that our relationship can be saved?

–Marie, MA

Cheating And Apologizing

Everyone makes mistakes, its human nature. It might have happened because your partner was a little too drunk or it might have been a flat out mistake. A person who cheats and it was obviously a mistake may try to hide it, because they’re afraid of what might happen if they’re honest.

When confronted about the cheating, however, this type of person will usually own up to the mistake and apologize for it. In these cases, it can be easier to forgive and forget and give your partner another chance.

Cheating And Lying

On the other side of the coin, there’s the type of person who will cheat, continually even, and deny or lie about it even when confronted with evidence that they’ve been cheating. Even worse is when this person continues to cheat even after they’ve been confronted about it and denied it!

This type of cheater is definitely more difficult to forgive and in some cases, it’s better to move on and find a new relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to own up to their mistakes and promise to be honest and move past the cheating, there’s really no way you can forgive them.

How can you forgive someone who isn’t sorry or who won’t even stop cheating? This is something you really have to think about on your own and figure out what you can live with. This type of cheater is generally the type that is considered “once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Giving A Cheater Another Chance

For a relationship to be successful, you need to have a level of trust, understanding and confidence in each other. You need to be able to trust your partner and have confidence that they love you and won’t cheat on you. Regardless of how they cheated or with whom they cheated, if you can once again build your relationship on a foundation of trust and honesty, your relationship may stand a chance.

This is essential though. If you try to rebuild your relationship on mistrust, lies and dishonesty, the only way your relationship will be headed is in the dumps. You can try to prolong the inevitable, but if your partner continues to lie to you, continues to cheat or in any way isn’t open and honest with you, your relationship isn’t going to be worthwhile.

You will eventually get tired of lies and mistrust and move on, but knowing ahead of time whether you can really save your relationship can save you a great deal of time and heartache in the long run.

Whether or not to give your cheating partner another chance is not a decision to make lightly. It’s something you really need to sit down and think about before making your choice. Try to talk to your partner and find out what their feelings are towards the situation as well.

Does your partner want forgiveness or do they seem to not care? A lot of your decisions will come from how your partner reacts when you approach them about the cheating.

Did You Know That 81% of People Lie in Their Online Dating Profiles?

Stuart Morris — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 11:51:50 +0000

For people who are either considering online dating or are already involved in online dating, lying is a big concern.

There are plenty of stories, each more frightening than the last, about first dates gone terribly wrong when the other person showed up and it was obvious that they had lied on their online profile about something really fundamental like their weight, height, or even age.

It’s an incredibly awkward situation to be in, and it rarely ends well.

Now, a research study has been done to find out just how many people are lying in their online dating profiles, and how big the lies are. Jeffery Hancock of Cornell University and his fellow researchers took 80 willing participants, 40 men and 40 women, from the New York area and compared their online dating profiles to their real life selves.

Specifically, they compared the 80 participants on height, weight, and age.

The Lying Masses

What Hancock found was that 81% of the 80 participants lied about at least one of the three things in their profile. Perhaps not surprising, women lied the most about weight by under stating it in their profiles, and men lied most about their height by over stating it in their profiles.

Yet despite such a high number of liars among us, the average lie was actually quite small:

Age – The average lie about age was only .44 years higher or lower than the real number, hardly a lie to be worried about
Height – The average lie about height was only .33 inches higher or lower than the real number. Again, not a big enough lie to really worry about it
Weight - The average lie about weight was 5.86 pounds higher or lower than the real number, which is not small, but not terribly large either

So while 81% of online daters may lie in their profiles, the lies are usually quite small. So small, in fact, that you would probably never even realize you had been lied to in the first place if you met the person in real life.

Most people realize that lying in their online profiles wont pan out in the long run, and any lie they do include is subtle enough that you’re probably not going to notice unless you bring a scale and a tape measure on your date.

A Few Bad Apples

The study found that there were a few people who ignored the obvious consequences and lied in a big way in their online profiles. He mentions that these people are probably where most horror stories about lying in online dating profiles originate. The biggest lie for:

Age was 3 years older and an astonishing 9 years younger than was listed on the online profile
Height was 3 inches taller and 1.75 inches shorter than was listed on the online profile
Weight was an amazing 35 pounds heavier and 20.4 pounds lighter than was listed on the online profile

The Biggies are Obvious

The lies about weight are particularly astounding. It would be immediately obvious to almost anyone that their date had lied about their weight if they showed up 35 pounds heavier than they claimed to be.

The Bottom Line

Yes, most people lie in their online dating profiles, but the lies are small, so small that you’ll never be able to pick out the liars from the from the ones who told the truth so it’s probably best not to worry about it. The few who do tell big lies will be immediately obvious if you ever meet them in person, and if nothing else, the experience will make for a good story to scare your friends with.

Is Phone Sex Really Cheating?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 12:26:03 +0000

In a world where technology is growing with no end in sight, it’s not uncommon for people to seek sexual pleasure or to fill sexual voids using technology.

Whether it’s phone sex, internet cyber sex or online dating, many people end up using technology to their advantage to spice up their sex lives or further their relationships. What happens if you’re doing these things while you’re in a relationship with someone else? Is it really cheating?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I love my husband and have tried for years to get him to be more open with sex. I am not shy at all and prefer more sparks and even some dirty talking. He won’t ……at all. He prefers it quiet and the same. Here is the problem. I met a wonderful man on yahoo chat. He’s married as well and neither of us will ever leave our spouses. We have the most amazing phone sex imaginable. I’m afraid otherwise without this outlet I would have strayed. But this “cyber sex” fills a need and keeps me home where I love my husband.

Am I a horrible person…….should I stop?

– Chris, Wisconsin

Breaking Your Partner’s Trust

Cheating is anything that breaks your partner’s trust, or is something they don’t know about and you’re trying to keep hidden from them. It’s not necessarily just physically having sex with someone else other than your partner that constitutes cheating.

Swingers do that all the time and obviously for them, it’s not cheating. Consider cheating to be anything that you wouldn’t do with your partner around or that your partner doesn’t know about.

Would you have phone sex with someone else with your partner sitting right there? Would you chat with your online sex buddy while your partner was over on the couch watching a movie?

Chances are, you’re doing these things without your partner’s knowledge. It may seem less “bad” than actually having sex with someone else, but all of those things, whether it’s having phone sex or having actual sex, breaks your partner’s trust. So it’s cheating.

Coming Clean

For a relationship to survive, you have to be open and honest with your partner. You can’t hide things from them or continually do things that break their trust. If you do, the relationship will never last. If you care about your partner and truly want to have a fulfilling relationship with them, it’s important to come clean about the cheating.

Let them know what you’re up to. Let them know that you truly care about them and you’re simply fulfilling a need that’s not emotional. Don’t be critical and don’t blame your partner for “making you do this.”

Ask Your Partner How They Feel

It shouldn’t be brought up to your partner in a “you can’t give me what I need but they can” sort of way, because that attitude will only make things worse. Ask your partner how they feel about it. Do they want you to stop? Let them know that if they do, you’re ready to do that.

You might be surprised. They might be open to an online only relationship or phone sex between you and someone else. They might want to become part of it too. Be prepared, however, for your partner to ask you to stop. You should also be prepared to earn back their trust.

Spicing Up Your Sex Life

If your sex life with your partner is lacking, and you’re turning to phone sex or cyber sex to fill the void, consider putting some of this effort into working on your sex life with your partner. Perhaps you two could each take a phone into a different room and have phone sex that way. Your partner might feel more comfortable talking dirty to you this way. Perhaps you can send each other racy emails.

Focus your efforts on making your sex life with your partner work. You’ll be surprised at what a little creativity can do to spice up things in the bedroom!

Lying Virgin – Do Hookers and Hand Jobs Count?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 14:44:41 +0000

If you’re in a relationship, you’re likely to be with someone who has had at least one other partner before you. Sometimes you’re with someone who hasn’t, or sometimes they’ve had more than they can count on their fingers . . . and toes.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It can be difficult getting over the other women but not impossible.

Here’s how to come to terms with your partner’s past partners.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. When we were first together he said that he was a virgin. Since he was 20 I found this surprising but I trusted him. Only after I slept with him did he confess that he had been with someone when he was deployed in Korea (he’s in the army). He paid for it I think she was only a bartender not a regular hooker. She also did oral on him and he has received “hand jobs” and oral one other time. Now that I know all these I can’t get out of my head of him with other women and I am constantly worrying that I am not the best out of them. How do I get over the idea of my boyfriend being with a hooker of all people and the others? And to stop comparing myself?

- Laura, Ohio

Realize They’ve Had Other Partners

The first step in getting over the other women is coming to terms with the fact they’ve been with someone else, or many other someone elses. You’ve probably been with your share of someone else’s too. Is this a bad thing? Is this something that should become a big deal between you and your partner? Definitely not!

Having a sexual past is something that almost everyone has. Who cares about the numbers? Who’s keeping score? You should discuss this with your partner only if you’re discussing sexually transmitted diseases and whether or not you are both going to get tested, etc.

This is not a discussion that should be had “just to find out.” You’ll end up asking yourself a million other questions! How many were there? Were they better than me? You’re better off sticking to the realization that yes, your partner has had other partners. You have too.

Sex Is Not Love And Love Is Not Sex

It’s really very simple. Someone can have sex without love and love without sex. It’s that simple. Just because your partner has had sexual relationships with other people doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. A critical step into getting over the other women is realizing that he loves you. He is with you and he chooses to be – you’re not making him. Realize that what you share with him is in the here and now, and is something he wants to be involved in. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be with you. He’d be with someone else.

Yes, They Were Different

Women who have trouble getting over the other women are often left asking themselves who was better or worse. There’s a simple solution to this issue, although it’s never easy to swallow. Stop thinking about how you rank and realize that a sexual relationship is always different from person to person and that’s all! It’s simply just . . . different.

Building Trust

If your partner has ever lied to you about who he has been with, you may have another issue on your hands. Trust is essential in a relationship and if this is an issue you’re dealing with, it’s important that you build and grow your foundation of trust before you tackle anything else. Even if your partner hasn’t lied to you, you need to trust that he is with you. Trust that your partner won’t go running off to be with someone else just because he’s been with others before you.

There is more to your relationship than just sex, and there’s more to your relationship than just love. It’s an entirely dynamic and multi-faceted relationship that runs on many different levels.

So relax! Enjoy being with your partner and being in the here and now instead of focusing on the past – you or your partner’s past. You’ll both be much happier that way!

Financial Infidelity As An Addiction

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 14:51:01 +0000

When I am talking to some of the couples I counsel about their feelings when beginning an affair, they often use descriptions like “sexual chemistry” and “irresistible attraction.”

Some even compare their craving for their lover to an addiction. They can’t get enough. They feel high.

Their descriptions verge on sounding like passages from a romance novel. And yet, there’s some validity to their clichés. In fact, studies have shown that certain repetitive or addictive behaviors both are caused by and contribute to fluctuations in the mood-stimulating neurotransmitter in our brains.

How addiction affects relationships

The neurotransmitters we talk about above—dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, and epinephrine—and hormones such as oxytocin and vasopressin are associated with depression and euphoria. If the levels of these important brain chemicals are imbalanced, an individual is likely to feel depressed, and may behave in ways to stimulate—or simulate—the feelings induced naturally by the release of these neurotransmitters in the brain.

Patients I counsel are often seeking to duplicate the euphoric feelings of “falling in love.” They are trying to re-create their feelings with adulterous affairs, out-of-control shopping, or risk-taking behaviors like gambling. The satisfaction they feel from this “quick fix” can set them up for unrealistic expectations for an ongoing state of energy, arousal, and euphoria.

In counseling couples where one individual seems compelled to seek out hurtful affairs or commit financial infidelity, even as they express remorse over the effect their behavior is having on their relationship, I will often explore whether, for them, the thrill of pursuit, conquest, and the fulfillment of their fantasies is actually indicative of an addiction. In these cases, or in those where there is a family history of addictive behavior such as alcoholism or drug abuse, adultery, or gambling, analyzing the levels of the key neurotransmitter associated with depression and addiction can give me insight into their situation.

Many patients I see have a constellation of these addictive behaviors. They may drink and gamble and engage in extramarital affairs. They often tell me that they have tried to stop all of these behaviors on their own, but find themselves slipping back into them or even adding new damaging behaviors.

I tell these patients that because it is very difficult to exhibit self-control when dealing with addictive-type behaviors, it is important that they do not take on more than one self-control challenge at a time. And in the meantime we can manipulate, even balance their neurotransmitter levels (which are initially determined by heredity) through supplements, medication, biofeedback, or talk therapy.

How financial addiction can threaten your relationship

Just as an individual may turn to an illicit love affair to provide the biochemical feelings of connection and experience the thrill of a new romance, over and over again, so, too, they may turn to risky financial behavior for stimulation. Even if they stop the love affair, they may not have the self-control to stop the risky financial behavior.

The reason is that the behaviors that stimulate these feelings can easily become addictive. For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alcohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression.

The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.

Joseph Frascella, director of the Division of Clinical Neuroscience at the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), defines addiction as “repetitive behaviors in the face of negative consequences, the desire to continue something you know is bad for you.” The three most common types of “habits” that can slide into “addictive behavior” that I see in relation to financial infidelity are gambling, binge spending, and hoarding.

Two million adults are thought to be pathological gamblers. Another four to eight million are considered “problem” gamblers. A Stanford University study identifies one in twenty Americans as compulsive shoppers.

The individuals that are prone to gambling and binge spending may also seek to take risks in a socially appropriate way by working in a high-stress, thrill-intensive job such as a Wall Street trader, a surgeon, or a courtroom attorney. The buzz from their victories is usually immediately followed by a new stressful situation and a chance to professionally “gamble” so that they can triumph yet again.

Other people may exhibit financial infidelity as a result of transference. In psychological terms, transference refers to the redirection of feelings, fears, or emotions onto a new object or situation.

My Boyfriend is a Total Liar! Should I Dump Him Or Give Him Another Chance?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 06 May 2008 13:45:40 +0000

What should you do if your partner lies to you?

It can be a tough situation to deal with, especially if both partners love and care about each other despite the lies.

There are a few things to ask both yourself and your partner before making a decision whether or not to stay with them.

One thing is for certain – a good relationship is open and honest.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We have been living together for 3 years and together for 3.6 years. We are engaged.

He would do ANYTHING for me, but at the same time LIES. He lies about MONEY and work. He is not a good provider. I can’t even work because he can’t afford his own car and uses mine and He would rather be the one working.

What do you do when you both love each other but your partner can’t tell you the truth about money things? How can I get him to UNDERSTAND that he needs to be honest about money and work? Please help, I need to make a decision FAST before I marry into a problem that cannot be fixed.

- Melissa, NY

Why is he lying?

Is he lying about money? Is he lying about work? Is he lying about extramarital affairs? While it’s important to pinpoint what your partner is lying about, it’s also important to understand why your partner is lying.

Could it be something that stems from childhood?

Many pathological liars have psychological issues that stem from childhood. Whatever issues your partner has that may be causing him to lie to you need to be worked out by him and him alone. This is something he can see a psychiatrist or a therapist for. They will help your partner work through his problems so he can learn to be honest and open with you about everything that has to do with your relationship.

Are you creating an environment that forces him to lie about things?

While partners shouldn’t lie to each other, it is not uncommon for a partner to feel forced to lie because he or she does not feel safe telling their partner the truth. What happens when your partner tells you something you don’t want to hear? Do you jump down his throat? Do you yell, start an argument or berate them?

If this is the case, you must understand that your partner most likely lies to avoid what happens when you don’t get the answer you want. He’s just telling you what you want to hear so you’ll leave him alone. It sounds harsh, but it happens. If you suspect that this might be your situation, relax a little and make your partner feel safe telling you the truth. It will take time, but you and your partner can learn to trust each other again and build the foundation for a great relationship.

Can he change?

You must ask yourself if you’re ready to commit yourself to someone that lies to you. Your partner can’t change because you force him to – he can only change if he wants to. Talk to him. Does he want to change? Can he? If he’s working with a therapist, he most likely can but it will take time.

If your partner doesn’t change, you have to be prepared to be with a liar for the rest of your life. Is this something that you can handle? Is it something you want to handle?

In most cases, the answer to those questions is “no.” So you must do what you have to do if your partner continues to lie to you and move on. Let him know that his lies are driving you apart. He needs to understand that his actions are the cause of the breakup. If your partner wants to change and you believe he can, give him a shot and see where it goes. If you truly love each other and work hard to overcome this obstacle, it can be done.

Cheating and Infidelity – 5 Tips For Healing The Hurt

Lisa Brookes Kift — Sat, 03 May 2008 13:07:14 +0000

Infidelity is certainly one of the most challenging issues a couple can face. The depth of pain experienced by the partner who was cheated on can be excruciating and unrelenting.

For those who are not able to move past this transgression, it can represent the death of the relationship. The breach of trust is simply too much for some to bear which is completely understandable.

However, for those who want to try to move past this event and rebuild their relationship foundation – there is hope. Make no mistake – it requires hard work and a commitment to the process.

The issue of “cheating” and having an “affair” comes up frequently in my couples work. Though this is one of the more challenging circumstances to work through in relationship therapy, the fact that the couple has presented themselves at all to work on it is a great sign.

Infidelity can not only be very damaging to the partner who was cheated on but shaming for the one who did the cheating. When a couple such as this sits down on the couch in front of me, they both know they are about to climb an incredibly steep mountain together in which they may not even make it to the summit.

There will undoubtedly be slippery rocks, sharp grades and formidable weather along the way.

I want to provide some guide posts to help navigate this treacherous climb in the form of ways a couple begin their ascent together. The following are five thoughts on how to heal from infidelity:

1) Cease the affair

This may seem obvious but sometimes “obvious” is better off stated. I have heard of more than one couple who went to therapy (not with me) to work on infidelity with the understanding that the affair was over – but the reality was it was still going on. This is not helpful.

2) There is no such thing as too much apologizing

The partner who cheated must be willing to apologize as many times as needed – and as sincerely as possible. They need to continue to take responsibility for wounding their partner and the relationship.

3) Allow the wounded partner his/her feelings

There could possibly be a wide range of emotions from the hurt partner, sometimes even seeming erratic and unrelenting. Remember that they are dealing with images, thoughts, suspicious thinking, anger, hurt and other swirling thoughts and emotions.

4) Learn how to communicate effectively

Sometimes affairs can come on the heels of build-up of resentments, unexpressed needs, feelings and so on. Be clear that I’m not excusing unfaithful behavior, only highlighting that effective communication between couples can only help build and maintain a strong relationship foundation.

5) It takes time

A couple dealing with infidelity needs to understand that this is a process and can take a long time to work through. There is not formula to figure out, “how long.” It will depend on a lot of factors specific to who they are, what transpired, the length of time it occurred and so on.

After following these guidelines, nagging doubt or mistrust of the unfaithful partner might remain. The wounded partner can be vulnerable to having his/her insecurity triggered. Stay aware of maintaining behavior that is kind, loving, loyal and supportive of each other.

In other cases, there are couples that weather the storm of infidelity and come out stronger in the end. In either situation, if you both believe the relationship is worth fighting for, this is the first and most important step you’ve already taken towards the healing process.

Top 10 Signs of a Cheating Man

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 02:25:40 +0000

Ladies, you know in your heart if your man is cheating on you. You can feel it…

Maybe you’ve suspected for a while that things aren’t quite right in your relationship and you’re worried that maybe he’s stepping out on you, but you just can’t put your finger on exactly what’s bugging you.

Well, here are some concrete signs to watch out for if you think he may be unfaithful…

Top 10 Signs of a Cheating Man

A cheating man can only hide his cheating ways for so long before he gets caught. The longer a man cheats, the higher probability he will get caught. In this busy day and age, it is difficult to carry on more than one relationship. However, with inventions like the internet, accessibility to willing partners has become easier than ever. There are various ways of how to tell if your man is cheating. We have listed the top 10 signs of a cheating man below. How to know if your man is cheating? If your man exhibits any of the below, it may be time to take a closer look.

1. Spends less time with you.

A cheating man must use the excuse of working long hours, extra meetings and dinners or other unexplained functions so he will have time with his “other” woman.

2. Isn’t as affectionate any more.

Your sex life in almost non-existent because of his other commitments. He doesn’t want to cuddle, watch a movie, hold hands or do many of the touchy things he used to.

3. He changes his physical appearance.

A cheating man usually starts buying new clothes, gets a new hair style or begins working out because he wants to be attractive to the other woman in his life besides you.

4. Car changes.

The passenger seat in the car has been moved or there is an unknown hair on the car seat. Perhaps the radio station is on an irregular station because that’s what she likes.

5. Change in temperament.

A cheating man becomes more short-tempered because of the guilty feelings as a result of the infidelity. Things that usually did not bother them suddenly start bothering them…

6. A new fragrance.

A cheating man may smell of perfume, smoke or alcohol, especially if he hasn’t had time to change them from meeting with her.

7. Behavioral changes.

A cheating man frequently becomes defensive when questioned about his whereabouts. He may turn it around to accuse you of being insecure, possessive or snoopy.

8. Cell phone changes.

A cheating man can not leave his telephone turned on when with you because his other woman may phone him. He may leave the room to have a telephone conversation or say strange things after he picks up a message from his lover. Watch for calls in the middle of the night. If you have access to his telephone bill, check it closely. Look for repeated unknown numbers, times and durations.

9. Computer usage changes.

A cheating man may utilize a computer to seek out partners or communicate with. If your man is on his computer for long periods of time at night and he closes the door so you won’t see him, he may be communicating or chatting with his love interest.

10. Changes in spending habits.

You can tell if your man is cheating if he is suddenly always broke. He’s broke because he is spending all of his money on the other woman. Watch as to whether he is paying with cash and making more frequent ATM withdrawals to cover his paper trail. Check any receipts, bills or stubs that you may have access to.

Once you know if your man is cheating or not, make sure you have a plan of action that you will take after you accuse him. You need to decide whether it’s time for you to move on or whether this relationship may be worth a second chance.

If you want to find out for certain, right now, if he’s cheating on you, download How to Catch a Cheating Spouse today.

Top 10 Signs She May Be Cheating On You

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 22:45:44 +0000

You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you what your heart doesn’t want to hear.

That feeling that tells you she may be cheating on you.

Things just don’t feel right with your relationship and you’re worried that maybe she’s stepping out on you, but you just can’t put your finger on exactly what’s bugging you.

Well, here are some concrete signs to watch out for if you think she may be unfaithful…

Top 10 Signs She’s Cheating

by Shawn Croft for AskMen.com

No man likes to discover that his girlfriend has set her eyes on another chump. What is even more heart shattering is the discovery that she has already done the unimaginable and cheated on you.

Here are some signs that she might have taken a roll in another man’s hay bale. But before you start suspecting your girlfriend or accusing your wife of cheating, remember that these are just signs. Ultimately, you should trust your instincts.

You must also be on the look out for combinations of these cheating signs for a more definitive indication of trouble. Lastly, there is the chance, however slight, that she is actually doing some of these things to provoke jealousy or to attract you , so be careful, be wise and, most importantly, be smart.

1. Scent of another man

Scent is a very important sign of cheating girlfriend, but if she suddenly starts wearing a new fragrance, the alarm bells need not sound off. She might be simply trying to spice things up in your relationship. Going off the deep end too soon could damage your love life — permanently. However, if you smell another man’s cologne on her clothes, hands or neck, then she may be planting her lips where she shouldn’t. Watch out.

2. She doesn’t criticize you anymore

There was a time when she cared about what you did or said, in fact, she used to hound you about those type of things. Now, it seems that she couldn’t care less if you were dead or alive and concern about your habits, good and bad, have retreated to the recesses of her mind. She might have simply given up on trying to convert you or she finally accepted your faults, but she could have just as easily met someone else who does not have your faults and bad qualities.

3. You caught her in a lie

Catching her in a flat-out lie is a key sign that she is cheating on you or doing something wicked. When you discover that the person you’re supposed to trust has been lying to you, your feelings will surely run the gamut — from anger to rage, and from frustration to sadness. But keep this in mind: if men are stuck with the “once a liar, always a liar” lyric, the same stigma can be applied to women.

4. Your sex life is nonexistent

In the past, the two of you went at it like wild animals in heat, but now she gives you the cold shoulder when you try to initiate sexual relations and intimacy is nonexistent. Either she has lost interest in you, which is not good, or she is getting her kicks elsewhere, which is really not good. It’s time for a talk if the two of you are still intimate but find that she lacks any desire for you.

5. She has a new wardrobe

She has an entirely new wardrobe, her lingerie has taken a cue from Victoria’s Secret and her hair looks great. She could be cheating on you, but here is a warning to the paranoid: if she started a new job, for example, she is probably not cheating. If she is doing this all for you, wake up and please her as she is not cheating on you… at least not yet…

6. She’s getting in shape

She hits the gym, eats healthier and she has her eyes set on becoming fit in a short time span. Again, she might be looking to improve her health and lifestyle or she might be doing the extra laps for you. But if she gets home from the gym, showers and runs out (without telling you where she’s off to), then something is up.

7. She works longer hours

A surprising number of women have admitted that if they were to cheat, it would likely be with a colleague. So unless she was just promoted, has a project to close or she’s in the midst of a busy season, her work hours should remain more or less stable. If she suddenly starts working 60 hours a week instead of 40, she might just be “logging” in those 20 extra hours on someone else’s pay sheet. You should take note, as it might be time for you to punch out.

8. She likes her new colleague

Your girlfriend might be cheating if she was, at one time, constantly talking about her new male colleague, pal or friend and suddenly stopped. This guy, who at first seemed to seemed to be the center of the universe, suddenly disappeared from the radar. Actually, he only disappeared from your radar, as he has become the number one bogey on hers. If you see your girlfriend showing any form of affection toward another man, alarm bells should start ringing. The only instances that you shouldn’t suspect her of cheating are if this man is a relative or an old friend. Could this reverence for the new star employee be the reason she no longer invites you to the office parties?

9. You’re cut off from her family

Her family is now exactly that: her family. One reason for the extra barrier might be to facilitate the eventual separation caused by her cheating or she needs her family to cover up for her. Perhaps the “in-laws” are in the dark as much as you, and would not condone her actions. Whatever her motives, you have discovered that you actually miss the family gatherings that you once dreaded.

10. She has become defensive and paranoid

She thinks that you are out to get her when you are genuinely clueless about her cheating ways. She stutters and worries excessively when you ask her innocent questions. She answers some phone calls and reacts awkwardly, while she completely avoids other calls. Her sudden fear and paranoia have you worried about her health, until you realize that her health regimen has been getting an extra dose of protein.

Maybe she’s just the cheating kind…

If you notice any one of the aforementioned signs in your girlfriend or wife, don’t fly off the handle just yet. Remember, it’s important to keep sudden behavioral changes in mind as you examine and contrast her regular actions against her new attitude. When you suspect your girl of cheating it is best to follow your instincts first and to keep an eye out for any number of signs. Naturally, our first instinct when we discover a cheating girlfriend is to end the relationship. However, this is up to you and you need to consider what you might have done, if anything, to provoke the cheating and how much time you have invested in the relationship.

If you want to find out for certain, right now, if she’s cheating on you, download How To Catch Your Cheating Lover today.

Is Your Partner Cheating on You? Are You Sure?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 15:34:30 +0000

Jealousy… Anger… Fear… Frustration… Confusion…;

These are the most common first emotions when you first suspect your partner of Cheating.

Do you think your partner may be cheating on YOU?

Do you trust your partner completely and think there’s absolutely no way they would ever cheat?

Well, think again…

More people than ever before, thanks to the internet, are cheating on their partners.

With online dating sites, social networking sites, video chat rooms, email and instant messengers, it’s easier than ever to meet someone, have an affair – and get away with it.

Check out these really scary statistics from CheaterCheckers.com.

1 in 2 people in a relationship cheat on their partner
9 out of 10 women who feel their partner is cheating are correct
50% of men who feel their partner is cheating are correct
57% of women cheat on their partner
3 in 4 married men cheat on their partner
2 out of 3 people being cheated on never find out

If you’re like me, you know that people cheat, but those numbers are much, much, much higher than I ever would have guessed.

Now if you know Dan and me very well, you know that we don’t believe in the whole partner ownership thing.

However, if you have made an agreement with someone to stay completely monogamous (Yes, you actually talked about it. Not just ‘assumed’ that’s how it would be.), and then you go behind your partner’s back with another person – that’s lying and you’ve broken the trust between you and your partner.

Without trust, you cannot have a truly intimate and loving relationship.

Our thoughts are that if you really find another person incredibly attractive and it will bring you joy to have sex with them – talk to your partner about it and if it seems like a good thing to do and both of you are OK with it, then go for it.

Again, we don’t subscribe to the whole ownership and jealousy thing. You cannot own another person, and if you really love them unconditionally, you will want them to do whatever brings them joy and happiness.

Unconditional Love means that you place no conditions on your partner (or anyone else for that matter) as to how they must behave, or who they must be, in order to receive love and acceptance from you.

Here’s a great article and another perspective on unconditional love from Roy Klienwachter, author of several books and hundreds of articles on the subjects of New Age Philosophy and Spirituality.

"What Does Unconditional Love Really Mean?"

What we find most of the time is that when we are attracted to another person, it’s mostly the thrill of the chase…

Talking about it openly with your partner will very often diminish the perceived excitement of the other person because suddenly it’s no longer taboo or forbidden. Also, we’ve found that if you talk about what you find exciting about the other person, you may both get so aroused you’ll have the best sex you’ve had in months.

If of course, you can get past the whole jealousy ownership thing…

Trust me, it’s better to just to be open and honest with each other.

If you want to find out for certain, right now, if your partner is cheating on you, download How To Catch a Cheating Spouse today.

Break Up and Divorce – Should You Condemn Yourself to a Bad Relationship for Life Because of Religion and Guilt?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 14:00:56 +0000

If you’re in a bad marriage and are really unhappy, should you separate, get a divorce, or stay in the marriage?

For us, this is not a cut and dry decision as there are many factors to consider.

As you all know by now, we’re not afraid to approach what some would consider to be forbidden topics. We like to think outside of the box and question everything while staying true to ourselves.

Our goal with this post is to help Karen follow her heart and make decisions based on love rather that fear and guilt.

Hang on tight! This could get bumpy. We’re about to step outside the box and ask you to question beliefs that you may have never have thought to question before.

Don’t forget - take the poll at the end of this article to make your vote count on this incredibly controversial topic.

Background – Is this a bad relationship?

This question is a bit involved, so we’ll break it up into sections.

I was married for twelve years to a man (S) that deserted me twice. He also had numerous extra-marital infidelities. He took his stuff and left this last time about a year and a half ago. I tried and tried to talk to him but he refused to talk to me or answer my phone calls. I was just heartbroken. He was my second husband. My first husband wasn’t unfaithful, but he had an explosive temper and shouted and screamed at me. And even though he never actually hit me, I was afraid of him.

Anyway, seven months after my second husband left me I decided to try and move on with my life. I met a wonderful man (D). He was everything I had wanted – Caring, responsible, trustful and very loving. We started slowly, but after awhile I fell deeply in love with him. And he fell in love with me.

I hired an attorney. I filed for divorce. After I had been with D for around four months he proposed to me. I was very excited and accepted. I knew our relationship was perfect and we had a wonderful life ahead of us. We were doing everything together and I was so happy.

S somehow found out and started to phone me. He told me he wanted us to get back together. He told me he would never do any of the things he had done to me before. He said he had found God and was going to church now. He said that he was a changed man. He said I was still his wife and I owed him another chance to prove he had changed. He told me he was a broken man and was thinking about suicide. I finally allowed him to see me he cried and cried and pleaded with me telling me he had changed. I felt so guilty.

Love and Fear

Karen, while this is a very emotional situation, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about anything another person does or experiences. They make their own choices in life and their experiences are their own. You can be understanding and empathize with the other person, but never, ever, make yourself responsible for what another person is experiencing.

You can control how you behave and respond to a situation, but that is where your control ends. Never let another person make you feel guilty. There is no right or wrong choice in life because we grow from each experience – some choices just work better for us than others. Even the ones that didn’t work out quite like you hoped provide the opportunity to grow.

Sometimes the best way to figure out what we want is to experience what we don’t want. Just try to learn from that experience so that you don’t keep repeating it. I’ve noticed that the Universe will keep sending you the same situation or experience over and over until you learn the lesson that you need to learn from that specific experience.

Our emotional scale has two extremes – love and fear.

In every situation – ask yourself if you’re acting out of love or fear, and always try to act out of love. Now that doesn’t mean letting someone walk all over you… You need to make decisions that feel right in your heart, in the core of your being, in your gut, however you want to explain it. Just make sure that you’re not making your decisions out of fear, anger, guilt, jealousy, revenge or any other negative emotion.

Others may react to your decisions with a negative emotion, but remember what we said in the beginning – You can only control your responses, not theirs. If another person chooses to respond to something you do with a negative emotion, that’s their decision and you can’t control what they do. You can only accept their reaction with love and understanding.

Make your life decisions based on what feels right for you. Many, but not all, will disagree with me, but the only person that you are ultimately responsible for in this life is you. Others come and go from your life so that you can further the experience of life, but you come into this life on your own and you leave on your own, so make sure that while your here you take care of YOU.

Religion and Guilt

I told D and my church counselor that if S really has changed then I thought I should give him another chance. My church counselor said I needed to forgive S and try again.

What else would a church counselor say? Your church counselor is bound by the rules and regulations of whichever religion he chooses to follow. And those rules and regulations are not always based on love, but are based on control. Having said that, forgiveness is the most powerful tool that you have in this life. I believe there’s a quote that goes something like… “Forgiveness is God’s gift to the forgiver, not the forgiven” – something like that. It’s very true because you let go of all the negative emotions around the situation whether or not the other person even knows that you forgave them. So whether or not your stay married, try to forgive him.

D was very upset and told me I was not thinking straight. He told me I had been emotionally abused through both my marriages and that S was manipulating me. D said that my marriage to S was over the minute he abandoned me. I still felt guilty.

There’s absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. He left you. Remember? You are under no obligation to take him back – unless you wish to keep repeating that same pattern until you’ve learned everything you need to learn from it.

I went to psychiatric counseling with D and the doctor couldn’t understand why I considered going back to S. I felt such pressure and told D I needed some space to figure this out. He left me alone for about a month. Meanwhile S kept calling and following me. I finally agreed to go see my church counselor with S. The counselor said that we couldn’t rebuild our marriage if we lived apart. So I allowed S to move back in.

This may sound harsh, but I would ditch the church counselor. He does not have your best interest in mind. His only concern is that you follow the rules of the church, whether you’re happy or not. I believe that we are all here to experience happiness.

The doctrine of misery is fabricated by modern organized religion. They tell us that we have to suffer to be good people. Have you really read the Bible? I can’t find anywhere in the Bible that says we need to be miserable to be good people.

My interpretation of Jesus’ teachings and the Bible is that we should love and accept everyone and every experience that comes into our life unconditionally because life is perfection.

Sure, modern religion misquotes many specific passages in the Bible which have been translated by many different writers with many different perceptions through many different languages over thousands of years and tells us to follow their rules or go to Hell. I believe that Hell is defined by the self perpetrated misery that many people put themselves through each and every day. Hell is what we experience when we are not true to ourselves.

We don’t need religion to tell us what is right and wrong. As long as we come from a place of love and acceptance, we’ll always make the right decisions. That’s what we’re here to learn. I’ve never known a truly spiritual person who judges another person. Why would an all powerful God need to judge us – that would be like us judging the actions of ant in an anthill on a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean… OK, enough ranting on modern religion…

It wasn’t right. I knew it. After all the love and joy I had found in D I now was back in a very dark and unloving relationship. He follows me everywhere. He calls me on the cell phone constantly to make sure where I am. He checks my calls on the internet during the day. He times everything so if I am home late he wants to know why. I let him sleep in my bed, and I’ve allowed him to have sex with me but it makes me sick to do it.

After awhile D contacted me. He told me that our time apart was awful for him. I felt such love and excitement hearing from him. I had missed him so much. He said that he loved me more than ever. I love him more than anyone I have ever loved. I started seeing D whenever I could find an excuse to get away from S. We hold hands and kiss and the magic is greater than it ever was.

But S hounds me about everything I do. He intercepts and reads my mail and anything he doesn’t want me to have he takes. He tells me that God has forgiven him so now I have to just “Get over it”. He tells me now I’m the sinner because I love D.

And sometimes I wonder, is S acting this way only because he knows I love D?

I know what I am doing is wrong. At first I thought that if S has really changed that I had to give him another chance. Now I see that even if he does change, this is not the life I want. I want to be with D. But now I feel trapped. Also, S has got himself into great debt – Almost $80,000.00 on credit cards. I feel guilty just leaving him to get out of debt by himself. I feel I should help. I even thought of moving out and letting him live in my house until he gets back on his feet again. D tells me not to do that. D says that S got himself into this. It’s true, S caused and did everything.

Why do I still feel so sorry for him? I just don’t know what to do. I think going to church is such a good thing, but I’m not sure that they are giving me the right advice. I’m so confused. D tells me to pack a bag find a refuge for a while, tell S to leave and not talk to him anymore.

I think the only right thing I’ve done in all this is not to cancel my divorce. I’ve told D that I’m going to do something by the end of the month. I know the right thing to do is tell S to leave and continue my relationship with D. I’m going to try but it is so hard. S cries all the time and begs me not to “throw him away”.

Please give me some advice.

Go back and re-read the begining…

You are not responsible for another person’s decisions or experiences. He is going to have to deal with his own emotions and circumstances. If you feel compelled to help him and that resonates true to you, then help him.

Just don’t do it out of obligation, guilt, or fear.

Summary

It sounds to me like you already know what you’re doing is wrong for YOU…

Follow your heart and do what you feel to be right.
Stop listening to other people who are not on your path. You’ve heard the old saying to walk a mile in another’s shoes before judging them. Well, the fact is that no one has walked in your shoes, including us, and they have no right to tell you what is right or wrong for you.
Stop repeating old patterns and stop punishing yourself for things that others perceive to be wrong. Follow your heart and your passions. Only then will you truly be happy.
It is not your responsibility to make anyone else happy, but it IS your responsibility to make yourself happy.

First, answer this short poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.

Users: It’s NOT OK to Lie in Your Profile

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 21:41:00 +0000

OPW — Sep 26 — It seems many users and a few industry notables are OK with white lies in profiles. Here’s my thoughts. Your comments please.

Lies are always good for the short term and bad for the long term. Singles need to hold themselves to a higher standard of integrity. I advise anyone who goes on a date and finds themselves in front of a liar to immediately excuse themselves from that date. "Sorry, I’m not comfortable continuing with this date because you lied to me. It was a pleasure meeting you however. Thanks, bye."

This should include lies about age, weight, pictures which are significantly inaccurate/photoshopped. Lies are the BANE of this industry. A huge detriment. I highly, highly recommend site owners to advise their users to represent themslevs in their best possible light within the realms of complete honesty.

One of the reasons services like Great Expectations and The Right One are doing well, and charging thousands of dollars, is because their clients expect to see truthful profiles and know, truly, who they are meeting before their first date. Less surprises, means more value to clients. Higher integrity leads to higher profits…in the long run. – Mark Brooks

Revealing New Online Dating Book…

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 28 Jun 2006 16:30:00 +0000

If you have ever thought about trying online dating or if you are using online dating but having less than amazing results, this book is for you.

Don’t spend hours of wastedtime searching all over the internet trying to find out about online dating.

We have compiled everything, and I do mean everything that you need to know to meet your perfect partner online!

"Online Dating – Finding Love Online"

5 Proven Strategies for Success
and
The Top 5 Things You Should Never
Put In Your Profile

by Jennifer Hunt and Dan Baritchi

Go here to get it today!
http://www.online-dating-tips-and-guide.com

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