Ask Dan and Jennifer » marriage advice

Marriage Essentials – The Top 3 Non-Negotiables For Lasting Nuptials

Maryanne Comaroto — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:00:33 +0000

Here’s the deal; the facts are in. At least 50% of marriages don’t make it—which, if you’re a gambler, is slightly better than a crap shoot.

Celebrities are notorious for quickie marriages, and it would seem obvious to many people that marrying someone you have only known a few weeks would increase your odds of failure…among other things. So perhaps a better question to ask is not what are the downsides, but rather…why? Why get married? So you can have a party? It’s not like love has a shelf life.

Can A Quickie Marriage Be Successful?

What I do know about celebrities is they know something about success. It takes discipline, skill and focus (and perhaps a little luck) to turn your desire into reality. I am not convinced that celebrities understand the game they are in, that is, when it comes to relationships. I feel whatever their motivations for wedlock—“looks good, feels good,” ratings, or whatever—they would benefit by focusing on the fact that the same commitment, discipline and skill that supported their success is needed to enjoy a successful relationship; particularly a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable one.

While celebrity marriages may seem qualitatively different than the average boy-meets-girl scenario, all relationships thrive best when they rest on a solid foundation. In some ways, the celebrity relationship needs to pay even greater mind to this, as their relationship is subject to stresses, pressure and scrutiny that on a good day most of us cannot even fathom.

So I would say to anyone considering a quickie marriage, go for it! IF you have managed in this three-week period to establish the following, at minimum:

-Their top three non-negotiables.
-If this person is worthy of their unconditional devotion and respect.
-A strong “out” clause or good consciousness agreement.
-If they themselves are a strong, loyal, devoted, trustworthy partner.
-They have revealed all their deep secrets or habits that have the potential to destroy the relationship if not revealed and healed.
-They have cleaned up all their past relationships.
-Have the capacity to tell the truth despite the consequences, and see the value of truth as a cornerstone of their relationship.
-Love each other’s friends and current daily lifestyle.
-Have agreed upon children and child-rearing responsibilities.
-Understand and are in alignment about money.
-They are confident in each other’s ability to negotiate their feelings and concerns responsibly.
-Know what each other values most in life.
-Have shared and are in alignment and support of their 10-year plan.
-Have agreed to see someone (either within the family or outside) to act as an unbiased counselor, to help support the relationship should they get stuck or feel they cannot resolve any matter that has the potential to end the relationship.

Off To A Good Start

This, I believe, would afford anyone a good start. While relationships are a great breeding ground for personal development, chemistry as a litmus test for the potential of a relationship is too often a crash-and-burn method & can be quite painful. Rather than each failed relationship being a lesson learned, the pain becomes either fuel for the next one or a barrier to intimacy.

In our 20’s we are at a peak in some ways, in terms of learning about who we are and who we are not, and oftentimes get into relationships based largely on chemistry—without having acquired some essential relationship tools and turned them into skills. Life will teach us soon enough. The good news is, if you really want a healthy relationship, you are in a position to develop these skills, provided you have interviewed each other and revealed their shadows and non-negotiables to each other. Some of these deal-breakers, like infidelity or drug or alcohol addiction, are things that you want to know before you get married, not after!

A Big Mistake Newlyweds Make

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:00:46 +0000

“Most power conflicts in intimate relationships occur when one partner tries to treat the other as a child, mother, or father.” - Bert Hellinger

Over the weekend, I watched as newlyweds innocently tore at their relationship when he treated her like she was his mom and she treated him like he was her little boy.

At one point, someone needed him for something and as he was finished with his coffee, he handed his empty cup to his wife and said, “Here, honey.” As he left to go where he was needed she said derisively, “Thanks, for giving me your trash, honey!” It caught him off guard as he did a double take. But he didn’t try to remedy the situation.

Later, as they were seated and talking to someone nearby, she reached up and scrubbed his head the way you’d treat a little boy. I mean a little guy – someone at least younger than nine years old if not at least younger than five, actually! He shrunk from her touch, ducking and scowling while gently growling, “Don’t do that!” His dignity was compromised but he attempted to protect hers even as he told her to stop.

Treating Your New Spouse Like A Child

When he handed his wife his empty cup, he may as well have said, “Here, mom!” It’s what kids do with their mothers. She didn’t like being treated like a mother by her man; but then later, she treated him like a youngster.

There are a number of dynamics occurring here. This relationship is several years old and included the two of them living together, but the marriage isn’t yet six months old. Something changes in a relationship when the marital knot is tied. It doesn’t matter how enlightened you may be nor does it matter how committed you were to each other before you got married, something concrete shifts in your relationship dynamics when you wed.

One reason this shift happens is because once you are married; you become family to one another. That legal bond is deeply affecting. When you become family, the relationship is at a new stage where natural and understandable mistakes happen. One of these is dropping into a pattern of demonstrating love the way you were loved by your parents.

Doing Away With Your Sex Drive

It’s the darndest thing and completely annoying; because when you show each other love the way your parents loved you, it pours cold water on your desire for each other. No healthy man wants to make love to his mother or daughter and no healthy woman wants to make love to her father or son. So, when you try to fill those roles with each other, it dampens your sex drive.

When you treat each other like children or parents in public places, you humiliate yourselves, creating resentment. This also does nothing for your sex drive towards each other!

Another way getting married affects a relationship is that in a marriage, life just works easiest when there is a leader and a follower. I think we instinctively know this and so when we wed, we create power struggles to determine who will lead and who will follow. Treating each other like a child or parent is one of the fastest ways to engage in a power struggle to determine who will come out on top.

Treating Your Partner Like…A Partner

As a leading expert on the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, I can assure you that the newlywed game of treating each other like children (or parents) is chronic. It takes vigilance to bring it to a halt. The only way to do it is to treat it like a bad habit. Even if it is a brand new habit born of the newness of the relationship, treat it like an old habit because it’s something that has a hold of you in a deep place inside. It will not give up the fight easily!

You will begin by catching yourself after the offensive act or remark. It may be days and days of catching yourself after the fact before you can catch yourself in the middle of it. Once you are catching yourself in the middle of treating him or her like a child or parent, just stop right there. You can tell each other what you hope to accomplish. I promise, your effort will be appreciated!

One fine day, you will find that you catch yourself before you belittle your man or confuse your woman with your mother. That will be a fine day indeed! Keep up the good work and a time will arrive when it just doesn’t happen anymore. By then your respect and cherishing of one another will have grown with multiple benefits besides!

Polite Marriages Will Suffer

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Tue, 05 May 2009 15:37:54 +0000

If you’re like most people, you were probably taught early on that being polite toward others is one of life’s top priorities. And while this advice certainly has a place, it can be detrimental to marriages if taken too literally. There are, in fact, statistics to prove that polite marriages end in adultery. There are two sides of this coin.

When You CAN Be More Polite

1). We tend to be most casual with the people we know best. The relationships in which we’re most comfortable – where we’ve known the other person for a long time, where they’ve seen us at our best and worst – tend to be the places where we are most open about our feelings and frustrations. These dynamics are usually within marriages, long-term relationships, or with family members. Being open with our feelings is a crucial part of having a functioning relationship, but too often, we unburden ourselves from the stresses of the day without giving a second thought for how disrespectful this could be to the other person. We let our true colors show, for better or for worse, and the people we’re the most comfortable with often become the people we unleash upon. When we find ourselves tending toward these extremes, we could benefit from being more respectful, and yes – a bit more polite. But then there’s the other extreme.

When You SHOULDN’T Be More Polite

2). We walk on eggshells with our partner. This can be due to many things: we were taught to be overly polite toward everyone; we haven’t learned to be ourselves around our partner; we’re afraid of what the other person might think; we’re afraid of the intimacy that honesty could bring. Whatever the reason – some being more drastic than others – the result tends to be the same: when a relationship is too polite, both people suffer. Avoiding confrontation, bottling up true feelings, refusing to communicate honestly – all these things can have damaging results . Things can sometimes even end in an affair, if either or both parties feel they can’t be themselves around their significant other.

Finding The Balance

Obviously both of these situations have major flaws. To deal with both of these problems, couples must learn to communicate openly about things that bother you, things you’re struggling with, things that stress you out. You can start out by using what I call “Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue,” which I talk about in my book, “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.” The idea is to provide a safe place where each person can feel comfortable talking about their fears and frustrations. These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict. This may start out as basically as telling your partner you HAVEN’T been communicating these feelings and asking them to be patient with you while you learn how to go through this process. It may involve treating eachother with more respect, and being more mindful of the problems at hand during heated arguments.

The solution is not to avoid fighting, but to learn to fight fair.

Sexless Marriage? Here’s What To Do

Melody Brooke — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 14:13:06 +0000

Something like 40% off all marriages are, self reported as “sexless“. I read today about a book, Bettina Arndt’s The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles. This book has really gotten people up in arms. Men are thinking their wives should just do it because its good for the marriage, and women are thinking Arndt is a throwback to the 50’s. But of course, none of them have read her book!

Now, mind you, I have not read the book either. BUT I agree with what I’ve seen so far. of her book. Her book is a compilation of “diaries” she collected from 98 men and women talking about their sex lives. In the excerpt I read, she concludes with a lot of empathy toward the men who poured their hearts out to her.

Sexless Marriages – Are They Inevitable?

The reality is that most men do have a biologically higher sex drive than most women. This leads to a lot of dissatisfaction on the men’s part. Women yell and scream that sex is a “want” and not a “need” and why should they “give in”? Obviously some things are amiss here!

Women, too, want sex more and more than in the past. It was only a few months ago when I was at a party where five women out of the five couples in attendance were unhappy with the amount of sex they are getting. These are cute, smart, personable women whose husband’s would rather be on the internet or watch TV than have sex with them.

Staying Connected Is The Key

Clearly there are some serious problems with couples knowing how to stay connected emotionally and sexually. Women tend to be more aware of their emotional needs and men tend to be more aware of their sexual needs. This does not mean, I don’t believe, that men and women are set up for failure. But both parties have to be willing to respect and have empathy for each other’s needs. To do this, it requires getting out of the blame game and seeing the other as the bad guy.

Men, you really do have to learn how to be emotionally and affectionately attentive to your wife if you expect to get laid. Women, you really do have to be willing to stretch out of your comfort zone sexually in order to have the kind of connection you want with your partner. And, if either one finds sex is not fun, then they MUST take responsibility for making sure that changes.

You do that by respecting each other enough to speak your truths and not faking orgasms. The biggest drain on sexual communication and satisfaction is faking it. How in the world is your lover ever going to know what you want if you pretend you like something you don’t?

Learn to get great sex by being open with your truths. You want your man to share with you emotionally???? Then don’t be a coward about being open sexually about what pleases you and what doesn’t. We have this double standard where we expect men to be open with us emotionally, yet we will lie to them about our sexual satisfaction. That is a sure fire way to kill a sex life.

Is It Worth It? Her Mother Is Ruining Our Relationship! (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 00:26:14 +0000

In-laws can be tough to deal with – just ask anyone who has in-laws! But what happens when one of your in-laws crosses the line and starts taking over your life? Your relationship with your partner is dwindling and your daily life is being affected because of it – how can you confront this situation without hurting your partner or causing more of a problem than there was to begin with?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My relationship is like a car going 200 MPH backwards! Her mother is taking over our relationship to the point where I work late just so that I don’t have to go home… Nothing I say or do seems to matter. When it comes to sex, I’m not even going to go there… The only reason I stay is for my daughter. What’s the best way to handle this mess and get my sanity back?

–Jason, Wisconsin

Click here to view the embedded video.

When The In-Laws Start Stepping In

Whether your in-laws have been in the picture the whole time or are just now starting to come around, your relationship with your partner can seriously suffer if your in-laws start taking over your life. Whether they’re constantly at your house with their grandchildren, or insisting you and your partner do things their way, having an in-law that is too close for comfort is never a healthy or happy situation to be in. What do you do?

Evaluating Your Reactions

The first thing you need to do is sit down and really think about how you feel about the situation. Write it down if you have to, but you can’t confront it if you don’t know exactly what is triggering your feelings of discomfort. Are you working long hours just to get away from your in-laws? Is there something in particular that they do that bothers you, or are they simply too involved in you and your partner’s life? If it’s overwhelming you and you’re unable to have a good relationship with your partner because of your in-laws’ involvement in your life, it’s time to really dig deep and evaluate why you’re upset and exactly what you’d like to see change.

Confronting The Situation

When you get ready to confront the situation, don’t do so without your partner by your side. This isn’t just “your” problem – it’s your partner’s problem too. Your in-laws’ involvement in your life is affecting your relationship with your partner, as well as your entire family. You need to address this situation as a “we.” Talk to your partner openly and honestly about how you feel about the situation and avoid being condescending, negative or petty. You certainly don’t want to make this an ultimatum or not – it’s not about your partner having to “choose” you over your in-laws or vice versa.

Once you’ve spoken to your partner about your feelings and you’re ready to confront the situation with your in laws’ as a couple, sit down and have an honest heart to heart talk. Again, avoid being negative or petty, as this can cause more harm than good. The idea is to just get your feelings out there and let your in-laws know that they’re overstepping their boundaries. Suggest that they watch their grandchildren for a weekend while you and your partner get away, or something similarly constructive. Plan family dinners together and stick to those plans – stay away from unannounced visits and so on. If your in-laws just don’t want to step out? Talk to your partner and consider moving. It doesn’t have to be far, but a little bit of physical space in between your family and your in-laws might be exactly what you need to get through to them.

Thinking of Proposing? You’d Better Think About More Than The Ring!

Melody Brooke — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 13:33:02 +0000

A man in Fairfield, Connecticut bought his bride-to-be a $25,000 engagement ring. This is not a news flash here; I suppose there are lots of well-to-do men buying their (hopefully) future wives and soul mates extravagant rings. The thing is; this particular bride-to-be didn’t want to marry the guy after being engaged for a while.

I have no idea what the laws are in Texas about this, but in Connecticut, apparently, you have to return the ring if you decide not to marry. But of course, if you do marry, the ring is yours to keep. Hmm, maybe in some states there is a statute of limitations on that, say if you are only married a year or less you have to give it back. I don’t really know.

I do know that the divorce rate in this country is at 36% (2008 US Census Report) currently and that the average first marriage lasts only 8 years! In 1964, marriages lasted, on average 34 years. The whole concept of a “Starter Marriage” has erupted only in the past ten years.

This is not a rant against getting married. I am all for it, in fact I have done it three times. I like the idea of being in a complete partnership with the person I love. Problem is most of us don’t have a clue how to do it and would rather spend (or have spent on our behalf) $25,000 on an engagement ring than to spend a dime on how to make the relationship work.

Divorce or Work It Out?

Whether you are married or just in a committed relationship you will understand what I mean. Intimacy is difficult and a marriage partnership is even harder. Most of us have come from “broken homes” ourselves (about 5,000 kids a year are affected by divorce). So how in the world are we to know how to have a committed, intimate connection?

Most of us try to wing it and listen to love songs and romance movies and think we can make it. We hope we are different from our parents and others we know. We watch our friends suffer through divorce and blame it on either a bad choice or bad luck. We hope we will be different.

Fantastical Impracticality

What other project in our lives do we take on with such fantastical impracticality? Most of know we have to be educated to be successful at tasks we expect to succeed at, yet in the most important area of our lives we are searching the internet for ideas on how to enhance our marriage and have never spent an hour with professionals.

Now, I am not promoting the idea of therapy for everyone since its not practical for some of us. Not having enough money for it is one thing. Not having the ability to determine how to find someone qualified is another. My husband had a series of traumatic experiences with therapists.

But, just like there are differences in the quality of education you get as a professional in any field, the advice you get for your relationship can vary dramatically even if you get it from professionals.

The internet abounds with tips on sex, intimacy, romance and promises to “keep your man” or “prevent a divorce”. Some of them may be very practical and helpful.

What to Look For When Getting Advice

Whatever you choose to do it is important that you look for a number of things before you jump in and take the wrong advice:

What are the qualifications of the person? This can take the form of their own experience (been together and worked through their problems together, divorced and remarried having learned some things along the way, are a professional with valid credentials, etc.)
Do you know anyone who has tried their suggestions? Get some testimonials!
Intimacy cannot be achieved with a quick fix and don’t believe any promises to the contrary.
Don’t expect that just because it worked for someone else it will absolutely work for you, you and your circumstances are different.
Don’t give up just because it appears to be hard work; anything worth having takes hard work to achieve.
Do you have problems letting someone close and you know it, yet keep trying to make it work? Work on your own issues first. You don’t have to be “fixed” but you do need to have the ability to let some one in at least to some degree!

Basically it comes down to this; educating yourself about how to make your relationship work long term (if that is what you want) is more important than spending $25,000 on an engagement ring, on a wedding, on a wedding gown or a on a fancy honeymoon. All of that is romantic and fun but if the marriage doesn’t last it will be bittersweet in the end.

Why You’d Be Crazy To Get Married Before You’re 30

David Wygant — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 17:21:09 +0000

Marriage in your twenties is for the birds!

Marriage and Me

I never talk about marriage… Not that I’m against marriage, nor am I commitment phobic . I’ve been married. It lasted three years and one day. It was basically like a lease. At the end she still had low mileage, that “new wife smell,” and she still looked great when I returned her to the dealership. She was like a certified pre-owned Lexus.

Now this is not the part that will offend you – it’s this next part that will get under your skin.

Twenty is Too Young!

For those of you who got married in your twenties, I think all of you got married too young. Yeah I know: “I want to be a young mommy,” or “I want to be a young dad.” But a young mom and a young dad still have no idea who they are as a person.

Get to Know You

If you’re a woman, you really don’t know who you are until you’re thirty. And, sorry guys, but if you’re a man you really don’t know who you are until you’re at least thirty-five to forty. This would make all of you old dads and older moms – not exactly Warren Beatty old but older and, may I add, wiser. Now I could go online and grab you a bunch of statistics about divorce rates and everything else, but why bore you with statistics that you can research on your own.

What it All Means

This would also mean that families would be smaller and the worlds population would slow down to something more manageable. This is not an Al Gore thumping blog post but we are running out of key resources in the world and a few less kids would really help the issue.

From all my years of coaching, I have just found that women don’t really know who they are until they’re thirty. Your twenties are all about finding yourself. And as for men, we’re just way too immature until we’re at least thirty-five to forty.

I’ve recently emailed all the women I’ve dated in my twenties . . . all 700 of them I sent them an email that said:

Thanks for the Experience!

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Why Your Partner Lashes Out at You When They’re Angry

Melody Brooke — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 16:36:27 +0000

Have you ever experienced your partner’s wrath?

You know, when they lash out at you and get angry with you for reasons that you cannot explain?

Much of the time, you simply don’t know where your partner is coming from. Everything was perfect until you got married. How can this happen? Have you made a terrible mistake?

In short, No.

This is just another area where we receive very little if any training or education. In school we are taught calculus and linear equations, but no one bothers to tell us how an intimate relationship is supposed to work or what to expect.

This one single fact is a large contributor to our extremely high divorce rate. Read this article from Melody Brooke to get a little insight into what’s really going on when your partner lashes out at you…

A Quick Course in Pre-Marital Education

Did you know that, now, in Texas, when you obtain a marriage license you will be given a premarital education handbook and encouraged to attend a premarital education course? Texas legislation has implemented this as an attempt to intervene with the increasing divorce rate.

The truth is that most of us know more about what’s on TV than we do about how to manage a healthy, intimate relationship. I know I was certainly clueless about it. Which is undoubtedly why I ended up divorced twice. I had no clue what marriage really was and how to go about achieving success in the most important area of my life. I suspect most newlyweds are like I was, naive and full of fantasies with nothing to solidify my dreams.

In order to make sense of what I was experiencing when I married I did what I had learned through nature and nurture: I blamed him. After all, he was the source of my misery. Certainly if he just straightened up and did right my happiness would be achieved. But of course, the reality is that I had no idea what it was I really wanted from him, or how to go about getting it from him. I didn’t understand what I wanted; let alone what it would take to get him to do it! Blaming him was much easier than figuring all that out.

Blame is a survival mechanism. When we can figure out whom or what to blame then we can come up with a strategy to survive. Blame is a brain function. Our old brain, the part of us that drives our survival has simplistic views of our world and of ourselves. It is not complicated by our cognitions. For this part of our brain, something is either good or bad, threatening or safe, there is no in between. By categorizing our partner into the category of our enemy we can easily determine what we should do for our survival. We then strategize on how to overcome our enemy.

Of course, this is not terribly conducive to retaining an intimate connection! So what can we do to overcome this innate programming? How can we turn our enemy back into our lover?

The key is to understand that our old brain is operating on false premises. Our old brain thinks that our partner really is threatening our life, and that we are in real physical danger. Except in the case of physically abusive relationships, this is not true. When we recognize that we have a choice about how we view our partner, we can make different choices.

What I have learned over the past 10 years is that when my partner acts out in anger he is hurting. Wow, what a concept. They are actually in pain or afraid, which is why they lash out. If I had known this one simple thing, I might not have had to get divorced once, let alone twice.

I was so anger phobic that when my partner became angry I went into a defensive position myself and lost complete connection with where my partner was coming from. I couldn’t hear what he had to say or understand his pain.

This is what we do, we move into what I call a Self –Protector role and become defensive, putting up walls between our partner and ourselves. These walls dissolve our sense of connection with our partner. When we lose our sense of connection with our partner we no longer care about the impact of what we say or do on them. Our only concern becomes our own survival (survival of our well being at least) and we no longer experience any empathy or concern for our partner.

When this happens it spells disaster for the marriage.

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