Are You A Constant Nagger?

No one likes being called a nag. The term is full of all sorts of negative connotations. Yet all of us have probably done it to someone about something at one point or another. Maybe you find yourself repeatedly asking your mate to put their dirty laundry in the hamper and not on the floor. Perhaps you’ve requested over and over that your partner remember to deposit that check at the bank. Whatever the point of it, you know that it’s no fun being on either end of it.

When you’re the one being nagged, you feel annoyed with your S.O. Their nagging is a reminder that you’re not living up to their standards on this particular issue, and that never feels good. If you’re the one doing the fussing, you feel frustrated and exasperated. It’s not as though you want to get on to someone—you just want them to do something the first time you ask them to do it. The worst part of nagging is that you start to feel more like an angry parent and scolded child than a pair of two adults in a romantic long term relationship.

Are You On The Giving Or Receiving End?

The key to halting this in your long term relationship is being considerate and forgiving of each other. If you’re typically on the receiving end of it, ask yourself why. When your partner asks you do them a favor by picking up the dry cleaning once a week, be considerate of their wishes. Surely that partner does things for you. Maybe you get distracted easily and forget to pick up those clothes. To your partner that seems inconsiderate. That’s why they become annoyed and then get on to you about it.

Since you know that you’re prone to forgetting things, come up with a way to remind yourself, like putting a reminder into your phone. Sure, you might still forget from time to time, but if you do a better job overall, your partner will be more likely to forgive you when you do screw up. That means less fussing for you to have to endure.

Give Yourself A Reality Check

Should you be the one constantly fussing, try to check in with reality. If you’re doing it about little things, you might want to consider letting the issue go. Say your significant other always leaves the dishes on the counter instead of putting them into the dishwasher. This is probably a bad habit of theirs that they’re not likely going to change.

Instead of wasting your time and energy on fussing at your partner about it, just put the dishes away yourself. It probably takes less effort for you to load the dishwasher than it would to regularly complain to your S.O. about it. Don’t ever forget that you probably have a bad habit or two that bothers your mate. You’re not perfect, therefore you shouldn’t expect perfection from them either.

Is The Issue Bigger Than The Little Stuff?

What if there’s a bigger issue at hand than dry cleaning and dishes? Maybe you’ve been nagging your partner to stop smoking or cut back on their drinking. Instead of nagging in the moment, sit down and have a heart to heart with your mate. Do this at a time when you’re both in good moods and the problematic issue is not directly at hand. You truly are trying to help them overcome big problems here, but nagging may not be the right way to go about it.

Tell them how much you care about them, and why you need them to break their unhealthy habits for you. Then you should work together to come up with a plan. Promise them that you won’t be on their back about it every five minutes if they show you that they’re working to get better. Seek outside help or marriage counseling so that you’re not the lone person policing the issue. Above all, make sure that your S.O. knows that you’re doing this because you love them. If they love you as well, they’ll understand how well-meaning you are being.

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For Better Or For Worse

Everyone who’s ever been to a wedding or seen one on TV or in a movie knows the gist of typical wedding vows. There’s a line in there about sticking it out whether you’re healthy or sick, rich or poor. This shouldn’t just apply to married couples, of course. If you’re in a relationship with someone and they fall ill or lose their job, you should be there for them. You would want them to help you through your rough time, so you should treat them in the same manner.

How To Show Love When Things Get Hard

There are so many different ways that you can show your love during tough times. Whether your S.O. has lost their job or a loved one, just being there to listen to them will get you off to a good start. Offer to help where you can, but never be forceful about it. Say your boyfriend just got laid off from his job. Give him a few days to be upset, and then ask if there’s anything you can do to help. If he says he doesn’t need help, keep in mind that his ego is suffering.

Forcing your help on him right now might just make him feel worse and in even less control of his life. So give him space where he needs it. When someone is upset and hurting, it’s important to be observant. Follow their cues and you’ll help them in the best way possible.

Empathy Isn’t Everything

While empathy is incredibly important, don’t ever pretend to understand what your mate is going through if you haven’t been there yourself. If your girlfriend’s parent just passed away, and both of yours are still alive and healthy, you can’t tell her that you get what she’s experiencing. If you do, that could start an argument.

When a person is grieving, they feel like no one can really understand their pain. Your job is to make sure that your mate doesn’t feel alone. Tell her that, even if you can’t truly understand her particular sorrow, you want her to know that you’re here for her. If she needs to cry, yell, or just be held, you’ll be with her for all of it.

Be Throughful

Perform thoughtful acts without being asked to do so. If your S.O. typically does the cooking or the cleaning, take on some of that work so he or she can have extra time to do whatever helps them mellow out. Encourage them to get some form of exercise, which will help them feel better. Gently nudge them out into the outside world so they can’t just sit around all day focusing on their unhappiness. Of course, if they resist, never push them.

Perhaps if they’re not up for going out, you can coax them into watching their favorite funny movie or playing a game they like. Just try to get them smiling again. Sex can also be very healing, though you should try to be understanding if your significant other needs a break. When you’re stressed or depressed, your sex drive can take a real dive, so don’t take it personally if they’re not really in the mood.

Be Kind

Ultimately, the key to being a really supportive S.O. is to make sure that you are there when you’re needed. Be respectful of your mate’s need for alone time as well as together time, and never force things on someone who’s upset. Treat you S.O. kindly during a difficult time, and they will appreciate it on many levels, for many years to come.

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When you’re one half of a serious relationship, especially if that relationship is a marriage, you can no longer make large decisions on your own. Everything that you do affects not only you, but also your significant other. Therefore, it’s imperative that you seek out relationship advice and learn how to make major decisions as a unit.

You must become better at judging where to compromise and where to stand your ground. Furthermore, you need to be able to determine when sacrificing something you want and allowing your S.O. to get what they want will be better for your relationship as a whole. This, among other things, will require you to strengthen your communication skills together.

Take Time To Talk About It

The first step toward making a big decision together is to set aside time to discuss it. Make sure that you’re both in good moods. If you’ve just had an argument or one of you has had a particularly bad day, you’re not going to be in the proper mindset to make a large scale decision.

If you’re both feeling fairly calm and happy, ask your S.O. if you can talk about the big topic at hand. Then eliminate any possible distractions. Turn off the TV or your music, set your phones to silent and put the computer to sleep. This is a potentially life altering choice for both of you, so you want to make sure it has both you and your significant other’s fullest attention. Don’t have the talk if you’ve been drinking or while you’re drinking, either. You should both be in a very clear state of mind.

Lay Out The Facts

Once you’ve found the proper time and setting to hold your discussion, begin by establishing the facts. Let’s say that you’ve decided you’re ready to start having kids, and your S.O. isn’t quite so sure. You need to state your position and the reasons why you feel ready—you don’t want to wait until you’re too old, you feel financially settled, etc.

Then ask your S.O. to explain what they’re feeling and why they’re feeling it. Maybe he or she wants kids, but feels like they need more time to establish themselves at their job first. Without getting defensive or hostile, ask how much more time they think they need. No matter what the topic is, you should do your best to get your mate to open up fully and be honest about their feelings. It’s important that you both be completely open about what you want and your related fears.

Looking For Compromise

After you’ve each fully explained your side of the story, it’s time to look for compromise . In the case of the baby issue, you may have to agree to wait a little longer than you’d like, as long as your S.O. agrees to get started a little earlier than they’d hoped. When meeting in the middle is a possibility, go for it. Of course, sometimes it isn’t.

Perhaps your issue is that your mate wants to move to a new city to take a promotion in their job, and you don’t want to move because you’ll be giving up your current job to do so. In a case like that, there’s no way to fully compromise, so you’ll ultimately have to decide what will be best for your partnership. Step back and attempt to view things more logically. Will there be other job possibilities for you in this new city? Is your S.O. the bigger bread winner in your relationship, or are you? Do the pros for one side outweigh the cons for the other?

Staying Calm, Cool And Rational

If you and your S.O. can keep the right relationship advice in mind and both keep your cool and be as rational as possible, you’ll find you’re able to reach a consensus sooner rather than later. That doesn’t mean that either of you should be a pushover, but it does mean that you can’t let emotions alone rule your choices. Most importantly, though, you have to remember that you’re no longer in it only for your own good. The health, happiness, and success of your relationship as a couple are now your priority when it comes to making big choices.

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No matter how in love you may be, there are going to be plenty of times in your relationship where you and your significant other disagree about something. Maybe you can’t decide on where to move to, or maybe you just can’t agree on what to have for dinner. Either way, it is possible to get your way without coming off like a self-centered jerk. You just have to make a calm, reasonable argument and know how to pick your battles.

How Important Is It?

If you find that you and your partner are at an impasse, the first thing to do is to decide how truly important it is that you get your way. How upset will you really be if you have to let your S.O. win on this particular topic? If you feel that you can live with it, you should go ahead and let your partner win. In doing so, you’ll not only end the debating, but you’ll also give yourself bargaining power in future disagreements.

If you agree to move into your boyfriend or girlfriend’s apartment instead of having them move into your place, you may find that you have the upper hand when it comes to choosing your next place of residence.

On the other hand, if you decide that you really want to get your way on the matter at hand, you may have to suggest that you’ll let your significant other make the call next time. Either way, ensuring that neither of you always gets their way is a compromise that can pay off. It makes sure that you don’t look too self involved when it is your turn to get your way.

Solidify Your Argument

When you are determined to come out on top, make sure that you have a truly solid argument. A lawyer wouldn’t show up to court without having done their research, and you shouldn’t show up to a decision-making debate empty handed, either.

Let’s say you get a job offer that would require you both to move, and you know your partner likes where you currently live. You need to have a well-considered list of positives when the time comes to discuss the issue.

Moreover, your argument can’t just be about how the move would be good for you. You should be able to point out how it will benefit you, how it will benefit your mate, and how it will benefit you as a couple. Don’t gloss over things or fib about how great it will be, but do look for a way to sell your S.O. on it.

You might start by admitting that this new city will be more expensive than where you currently live, but that the raise you’ll be getting and all of the added amenities will make it worthwhile. Perhaps your partner loves hiking, and you know that this new city is near a big national park.

Not only will these positive revelations make your partner feel better about moving, but demonstrating how much research you’ve put into the decision shows them how much you care about it. If you can make them see how important it is to you, your S.O. will be more likely to let you have your way.

It’s also key that you make them feel included in the decision, even if the outcome does end up in your favor. Never make a big decision without consulting your partner, even if you suspect that it will take some effort to win them over.

Stay Calm And Don’t Be Critical

Ultimately, if you can remain calm and congenial while making a clear, solid argument, you’ll drastically increase your odds of getting your way. Promising to compromise on future issues or offering a trade off can help.

Most importantly, make sure that your significant other knows that you really do care about their opinion in the matter, and they are sure to show you the same respect.

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The most important thing you can do prior to getting married is make sure you and your significant other are on the same page. Within the first week of getting engaged, you need to cover all of the possible deal breakers, so you don’t find out about anything bad after you’ve already said “I do.”

She Said Yes – Now What?

So the question has been popped and answered in the affirmative—now what? If you’ve already discussed all of your plans for the future with your S.O., congratulations! You’re ready to start planning the ceremony. If not, it’s time to have a very serious discussion together. You two need to cover all of the possible deal breakers and make sure you’re either on the same page, or one of you is willing to bend for the other’s sake.

Talking About Children

First up is one of the biggest topics, children. Do you both want to get pregnant? If one of you does and one of you doesn’t, that can be a major deal breaker. Don’t convince yourself that you can go without the little rug rats you’ve been hoping for just because your soon-to-be spouse doesn’t want them. Definitely do not convince yourself that he or she will likely change their mind.

Give this topic very serious consideration, because if you want them and he/she doesn’t, it can definitely lead to divorce farther down the line. If you both want children, you probably need to set basic expectations about it now. If one of you wants them right away and the other wants to wait, be sure that you’re willing to meet in the middle before you move forward with your marriage. As for how many you want, it’s probably best to wait until you’ve actually had one child before you start deciding on numbers. In this area, as in all of the other major issues, it’s necessary to establish where you are willing to compromise and where you are not.

Talking About Religion

After the issue of offspring has been covered, it’s time to talk religion. If you both practice the same faith or are not particularly religious people, there won’t be much to discuss here. If you’re both the same faith, two Methodists for instance, but go to different churches, you should discuss whose church you’ll join.

Other than that you’re golden. If you’re not of the same faith, or one of you is more religious than the other, you’ll definitely need to examine this subject more. Does one of you expect the other to convert? If you have children, which faith will you expect them to practice? Clarify these issues now, and no major problems will arise further down the line. Besides, if you’re intending to have a religious ceremony, you’ll need to have this discussion so you can pick a venue, etc.

Talking About Finances

You will also need to discuss your living arrangements and financial situation. Does either of you already own a home, or are you both renting? In either situation, will one of you move into the other’s place, or are you going to find a new place to share? If you are going to find a new place together, you need to decide whether you want to buy a home or rent something. Then you should compare your expectations.

If one of you would prefer to go on renting an apartment and the other expects to be a home owner within two years, the sooner you can reach a compromise, the better. Discussing your finances will go hand in hand with deciding where to live. Now is the time to talk about whether or not you’ll combine bank accounts, if either of you has any debt, and more. Unromantic as it may seem, financial worries can cause marriages to crumble. You don’t want to find out six months after you got married that your new spouse is $20K in debt and expects you to put your salary toward that. Talk about fighting and a possible divorce waiting to happen!

Smaller Issues To Deal With

There are other smaller issues that can wait until after the honeymoon, like how you’ll be splitting household chores and deciding which person’s family to visit on each holiday. What’s most important is that you clear the air on the major parts of your future—children, religion, finances and living arrangements. If you can have an honest discussion on these topics and plan to tackle any problems together, you’ll start your marriage on a much happier note.

Getting these things out of the way prior to the wedding not only leaves you with less to worry over, but it also makes sure you don’t walk into marriage with incorrect expectations. If you’re not comfortable talking any of these topics over now, you may need to question if you’re really ready to be married or not. However, if you can start your engagement with this sort of openness, you’re setting a great precedent for the rest of your lives together.

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While this show is one of the funniest I’ve seen in a long time and aims to do the right thing – give both sides a voice and listen to each argument – it doesn’t necessarily translate into creating change or fostering the proper habits for the couple. It starts to play off of what I call “Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue,” but they were not able to define and enact these skills. The Smart Heart Skills were validated but undone by the actors doing cheerleading into each other being right and wrong. Smart heart skills are not about being right and wrong as opposed to “walking in the others shoes” and making the person feel safe.

How To Use Smart Heart Diologue

When I instruct couples to use Smart Heart Dialogue, it’s as a way to move beyond the anger and blame that typically is placed when an argument or disagreement comes to a stalemate. It can be used for smaller, more inconsequential arguments as well as larger conflicts, even when faced with infidelity.

Utilizing this type of dialogue is important in learning to fight fair as a couple. Fighting and disagreeing are not bad things, in themselves. Learn how to fight fair. It’s a misperception that fighting is bad; a relationship without passion enough to launch arguments likely won’t last for the long haul. However, arguing in the wrong way can also drive a relationship into the ground. I encourage having a weekly ten minute “Smart heart”-to-heart with a figurative emotional “bullet proof vest” to protect from hurt, anger and defensiveness, as you listen and echo back what you heard.

How Smart Heart Diologue Will Help Your Relationship

This type of discussion can open up the doors to putting the emotionality of a certain topic aside – whether it be finances, life decisions, career changes, fidelity, or a host of other things – and allow the couple to be honest with each other in a safe, loving space. Of course, this doesn’t mean that each person has a right to be angry and hurtful – quite the opposite. This exercise is designed to take the heated emotion out of a discussion so that the couple can share their feelings without a threat of emotion or anger getting thrown in the mix.

These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict. This may start out as basically as telling your partner you HAVEN’T been communicating these feelings and asking them to be patient with you while you learn how to go through this process. It may involve treating eachother with more respect, and being more mindful of the problems at hand during heated arguments.

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Question: People should START by being more responsible when they start relationships. Maybe you guys should stop giving advice on ending relationships and start giving advice on how people can be more responsible when starting a relationship. That why you can keep more marriages together and save their children from emotional and psychological distress.

–YouTube Viewer

Love Yourself First

The most important thing you need to do before embarking on a long term relationship or marriage is learning to love yourself first, flaws included. Many of us look for acceptance from others, when we haven’t accepted ourselves yet. Unfortunately, we won’t ever get the kind of acceptance we crave as human beings from another person unless we’ve done it ourselves first. Accept who you are, love yourself for who you are and other people will begin to do the same. Seeking outside approval is going to get you nowhere.

Don’t Try To Fix Them

The biggest problem in relationships and marriages is that a person doesn’t fall in love with someone for who they are right now, they fall in love with who they think this person will be after they are “fixed.” Many women try to change their boyfriends, partners and husbands after they’ve already gotten knee deep in the relationship. Men do it too, but it usually only ends in frustration and the dissolution of the relationship. Don’t think of how you can fix or change your partner, or that you’d love them if they just didn’t do this one little thing…learn to love your partner for who they are right now, not who you think they will be. Long term relationships are difficult, but they always help us grow. Allow your partner to help you grow and vice versa, but recognize the difficulty involved before you jump in. A good, loving, satisfying relationship or marriage is never going to be easy. But nothing that is easy is worth having. Try going to couples counseling before making a huge committment. Just because you’re in counseling doesn’t mean anything is wrong in the relationship – it’s also a great way to learn about your partner as well as learn about yourself, and learn about healthy ways to handle problems and disagreements that will inevitably come up in the future.

Don’t Stay In A Bad Relationship

If you’re in a bad relationship or marriage, don’t stay in it “for the kids” or because you believe in sticking it out. Even if there are children involved, chances are, they’re just as unhappy as you are in the relationship from having to hear all the fighting and bickering. There is absolutely nothing wrong with moving on from an unhealthy relationship, because often, that is the path that is better for everyone involved and frankly, moving on from an unhealthy or even abusive relationship is the grown up thing to do.

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Carin Rubenstein, author of The Superior Wife Syndrome, says that two out of three marriages suffer from a set up between men and women where the wives feel as though it’s all up to them because they can do it all so much better. And the men let them do it all, giving up and giving in to the women’s superiority. Those marriages are not happy unions because the wives feel like martyrs and the husbands experience themselves as inadequate.

Do Lower Expectations Mean A Happier Marriage?

In the third of marriages that don’t suffer from this syndrome, Carin has observed that the wives in those marriages have lower expectations of their husbands than do the superior wives. Expectations such as how perfect the house is, when and how the lawn is maintained, when and how the family cars are serviced and cleaned, how the little children in the family are fed, bathed, and put to bed, etc. Rather than a lowering of expectations around the family’s morals or values, it has to do with the details of life that are aggravated by the differences between the sexes.

Joseph and I recently interviewed Carin Rubenstein for our podcast. As a result, we wound up in an on-air conversation about how understanding I am about the coffee rings I frequently find on the kitchen counter. In our house, Joseph is the only coffee drinker, by the way.

Later, a listener fired off a bunch of questions about why can’t a man just finally learn to clean off the counter? Although she was used to listening to us talk about the benefits of taking 100% responsibility for the results that show up in a relationship, as well as hearing us discuss the natural differences between the sexes, it frustrates her no end for men to be sloppy housekeepers and the women to have to either nag them about it, surrender to it, or clean up after them. It turns out this is a major source of conversation among her and her friends. They’re all suffering from it!

We talked with her about men we know who are excellent housekeepers but emotionally absent from their wives and children. That no one is perfect and there is always the necessity for compromise and letting go. With our perspective of taking 100% responsibility for the results of your relationships, a natural question for us to ask her was, “Why have you created a string of romantic relationships with men who were all sloppy housekeepers; and, if that matters to you, are you ready to create a different kind of man with which to fall in love?”

You Create Your Own Reality

As creator of your own reality, if you bear a grudge in general against the opposite sex, the universe will conspire to prove you correct and only bring men and women into your life who will confirm your worst beliefs about them! Which brings us back to my first paragraph, men and women who like the opposite sex understand the opposite sex and don’t need them to change very much. This very much affects living with the opposite sex.

Women who like men know that men think differently than they do and they don’t usually lose patience with that fact. Men are more focused than women. They like communication to get to the bottom line quickly. Whether they are good or sloppy housekeepers, there are always things they just don’t see because their focus is centralized, whereas women naturally see a bigger picture.

Men live in the present moment. Women anticipate the future. And so when a snow storm hits at Christmas and he’s tracking in snow, grit, and mud to free up the driveway and take care of downed branches, he isn’t thinking about Christmas coming and the need to have the house cleaned and picked up for the sake of the holidays and company coming. After all that hard work, he wants to relax with the paper and call it a day.

How Superior Wife Syndrome Can Ruin Your Relationship

If his woman has the superior wife syndrome, it makes her nuts that he can’t read her mind, understand what’s required to get comfortably through the holidays, anticipate her needs, the children’s needs, and the soon to be company’s needs. If his marriage is one of the happy third not suffering from this syndrome, his wife appreciates all the hard work going into freeing the driveway of snow and the yard of branches and, frankly, happily works around him.

She’ll ask for a helping hand here and there but not with an attitude that, were it put into words, would sound something like, “Listen, you jerk. There’s a lot to get done around here, can’t you see that?” That martyred mind-set is the purview of superior wives whose husbands have given up because they can neither read their wives’ minds nor think like women think. It just isn’t in their DNA. They do not have access to it.

Happily married people understand the differences between the sexes and either accept it and get used to it or they celebrate those differences. Either way, their expectations, compared to the folks suffering from the superior wife syndrome, are lower. I’d rather be happy than have expectations met that will really only satisfy my desire to be right and not contribute to the health or happiness of the relationship. How about you?

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It remains to be seen how everything unfolds, how many women come forward, and what exactly he’ll admit to, but for now the couple is seeking privacy, which is a prerogative we should all honor.

Why Do People Cheat?

In the November issue of The New York Daily News an article about “What Makes Men Cheat” reports that people cheat because something is missing from their lives – even though everything may appear perfect. The article mentions that just because people have mastered something – in this case, playing a sport – doesn’t mean they’ve been able to learn how to have a healthy, honest, and emotionally intimate relationship. Tiger and his wife are successful, rich and have two darling children. It’s possible that this last component may be a contributing factor for his affair(s).

When a new baby comes into the picture men lose center stage status. They might begin to feel like a neglected sibling, fighting for attention from their wife. Of course, no one wants to admit this because feeling competitive with your child or baby just seems silly. Statistics show that a set-up for adultery is created with this complex combination of feeling neglected, feeling guilty, and repressing those feelings.

How To Heal After An Affair

Reports are now surfacing that Tiger is amending his pre-nup to include an extra “payout” to his wife Elin if she stays with him for a certain length of time. Of course, I don’t believe you can buy love, but I do believe that people can move beyond affairs and relationships can heal. I discuss this concept extensively in my book, “Make Up Don’t Break Up.” If both parties are willing to reconcile, a new, healthy relationship can be built from the ground up. Healing is possible, and privacy at this time is key for the couple to sort out their complex feelings.

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It happened during the Ashton Kutcher show Punk’d on MTV. The prank was to have Timberlake believe his bank assets were frozen, his money gone, and the FBI was on their way to visit him for tax evasion charges. The one person he turned to for help wasn’t Britney Spears, but his mother. He sat there shell shocked and bewildered and at that moment the joke wasn’t funny at all. I saw him on the verge of tears , as if his whole world was crumbling ; whether his own doing or not, I saw a young man who thought he had it all feel very humbled and human. Thankfully Ashton came out, set it straight, got chased by Timberlake and he was back to his old self again. At least it was all a joke.

Tiger’s Betrayal

But for Eldrick Tont “Tiger” Woods the last few weeks have not been good to the once unstoppable machine. My first thought of the news of Woods’ infidelity was a simple one. Finally, Tiger, the golfing machine, is human after all. And what should be a time to gloat or point is really, for me at least, a time to be saddened for him and to realize my own faults in the area. You see, I betrayed my former wife too and I’m not proud of it one bit. Some may say it’s only because you got caught that you feel sorry. I wish that were true. Unless you are a cold blooded adulterer who just doesn’t give a care for the crimes you’ve committed, there is the tinge of sorrow for the person you betrayed or the situation you find yourself in.

Diane Lane is perhaps one of the sexiest women I ever seen on the screen. But the times she was being sexy she played a woman who chose to have an affair (a nicer word for adultery). In the movies A Walk On The Moon and Unfaithful, she so aptly conveyed the look and feel of a person caught in adultery than any other actor I’ve seen before. Her look on the train ride home in Unfaithful is one of both sexual highs and the low reality of what happens to her relationship with her husband (played by Richard Gere) and her family? It showed on her face, a mixture of bliss and blunt force, not knowing what to do with her feelings, but not ready to let go of the taste of forbidden fruit. That’s the thing about adultery and why it has fascinated both media and the public for centuries.

Adultery In The Bible

One of the commands of the Ten Commandments given to Moses to share to the people has this line in it: “…you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” (Exodus 20: 17b) . And yet we do it anyway; we wonder just what it would be like to sample our neighbor’s significant other. The most famous case of adultery is with King David. Yes, THAT David! The one who took down Goliath as a young man with a stone, who went on to become king of Israel and one who has a generational line that later produced a not too shabby carpenter’s son with a flair for miracles. Even the media of the time (who ever wrote the Old Testiment story) caught the act for generations to read about.

No longer going about in battles for the people of Israel, David was relegated to spend his time in the palace while younger men devoted to him sought to fight for the king’s honor. One night he found himself on the rooftop of the palace and checked out this beautiful woman named Bathsheba. She was bathing in a pool not far from the palace. When I read the story I had to think she was probably the finest looking Jewish woman around to get David’s loins aflame like they were in the story, because he took some drastic actions to get his way. He tried to get Bathsheba to come with him through conventional ways (talking to her husband Uriah) but when that didn’t work he sent her husband to the front lines to be killed so he could have Bathsheba for himself. He thought his plan would work and no one would be the wiser.

The prophet Nathan came to be the most famous whistle blower in history when he confronted King David of his crime. As close as David and God were with each other, did David once think he was going to get away with infidelity? Sadly, he didn’t. Nathan laid out his crime and the consequences that would visit not just him but the nation of Israel and his family. Because of what David did, Israel would go through a host of bad kings who did wrong in God’s sight, leave a divided nation, and sowed the seeds for the Jewish people of that time to be taken from the land. Yet David found solace with one of the greatest apologies ever recorded in history and hope for restoration. In Psalm 51, David asked God to “wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.” (From the New American Standard version).

Coming Clean With Yourself

In my own “Scarlet Letter” moment, I had to pray that prayer a dozen times before calamity hit the fan and I was left in my own destruction. My own actions betrayed a trust, caused a broken heart, and did damage to my life and reputation. I turned to food to give me solace for the crimes I committed and it took a long time to recover from my own deeds.

I keep thinking the media and the public should be having a serious talk about adultery and why do people in the spotlight (i.e., David Letterman, LeAnn Rhimes, Gov. Mark Sanford, etc.) think they can get away with it. Then the cameras should point to the audience and ask the very question to the public. Why do we, peons of the world, think we can get away from our adultery without the need for a camera or publicity in our faces 24 hours a day? Maybe Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy magazine, had the right idea that monogamy is overrated. He does have a point; David had many wives if you read in the Old Testament and God made it clear if David was lacking in a wife he could have any that he wanted. Maybe that’s the discussion we need to have about whether the expectations of a monogamous life is a life we can realistically live a “happily ever after” or not?

What Is Lacking In Your Sex Life?

The real conversation—married or not—you should have in your bedrooms should be about your own relationship and is there anything you can do to strengthen it or make it better? Are you lacking in the sexual department? Should you think about ways to make the bedroom spicier than just reading a book or watching Letterman? Even before you decided to get married or living together unmarried the best discussion you should have is where are you and what do you desire intimately? We talk about everything else, but many a couple fail to talk about their intimate desires for fear of sounding too dirty or being rejected.

For now, there’s no stone in my hand aimed for Tiger, no “see I told you so” shouts at him, no wagging of the finger. I have no stone because I’d be one of the men who would drop his stone and walk away to leave the adulterous woman in the care of the carpenter’s son I talked about earlier. See, he came with this profound statement that whoever is without sin needs to throw the first stone. Apparently we all fail in this department and others to keep us from being head executioner.

Sin is sin. No sin is bigger or greater than another. Lying is as bad as adultery. Gluttony is as bad as adultery. These things we need to keep in mind because rain can come in our lives as easy as it does to the famous and powerful. But like anyone who has been through the storms of life, when our world is washed away and blown like the winds of a hurricane, we must find the courage to grieve for the moment, pick up the pieces, and build again.

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It’s a bit of a different tack than the one taken by Jenny Sanford, wife of fallen politician Mark Sanford who has lied about being on vacation when he was out of the country visiting his mistress. As I’ve mentioned before, Jenny is seemingly engaging in what I call a “make up to break up” – she threw him out but left the door open.

Temporary Breakups To Reconnect

A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. Creating this strategy – and it MUST be a strategy, not something entered into half-heartedly – is not the end of the relationship, but rather a new beginning. When you break up to make up you get an endorphin rush, they don’t want you till you don’t want them.

Just about everyone craves some sort of excitement in their life – and some people push boundaries to find it. Anything from skydiving – to having a physical, emotional or financial affair. If you’re lacking excitement in your relationship and are heading into dangerous territory (i.e., considering some kind of infidelity), know that wanting to seek the high that comes from a risky experience is normal – but how you handle the situation can make or break your relationship.

Forgiving Adultery Or Condoning It?

Although the public ramifications of Mark’s affair weren’t known until more recently, Jenny says she knew of it as early as January. Yet according to the New York Daily news, as recently as June he begged his wife to let him go visit his mistress. “I said absolutely not. It’s one thing to forgive adultery; it’s another thing to condone it.”

People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high.

So it remains to be seen how things play out with the Sanfords and if Jenny’s “break up” will be successful, or if she’ll end up like the fictional counterparts on The Good Wife – looking to support her family on her own.

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When You CAN Be More Polite

1). We tend to be most casual with the people we know best. The relationships in which we’re most comfortable – where we’ve known the other person for a long time, where they’ve seen us at our best and worst – tend to be the places where we are most open about our feelings and frustrations. These dynamics are usually within marriages, long-term relationships, or with family members. Being open with our feelings is a crucial part of having a functioning relationship, but too often, we unburden ourselves from the stresses of the day without giving a second thought for how disrespectful this could be to the other person. We let our true colors show, for better or for worse, and the people we’re the most comfortable with often become the people we unleash upon. When we find ourselves tending toward these extremes, we could benefit from being more respectful, and yes – a bit more polite. But then there’s the other extreme.

When You SHOULDN’T Be More Polite

2). We walk on eggshells with our partner. This can be due to many things: we were taught to be overly polite toward everyone; we haven’t learned to be ourselves around our partner; we’re afraid of what the other person might think; we’re afraid of the intimacy that honesty could bring. Whatever the reason – some being more drastic than others – the result tends to be the same: when a relationship is too polite, both people suffer. Avoiding confrontation, bottling up true feelings, refusing to communicate honestly – all these things can have damaging results . Things can sometimes even end in an affair, if either or both parties feel they can’t be themselves around their significant other.

Finding The Balance

Obviously both of these situations have major flaws. To deal with both of these problems, couples must learn to communicate openly about things that bother you, things you’re struggling with, things that stress you out. You can start out by using what I call “Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue,” which I talk about in my book, “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.” The idea is to provide a safe place where each person can feel comfortable talking about their fears and frustrations. These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict. This may start out as basically as telling your partner you HAVEN’T been communicating these feelings and asking them to be patient with you while you learn how to go through this process. It may involve treating eachother with more respect, and being more mindful of the problems at hand during heated arguments.

The solution is not to avoid fighting, but to learn to fight fair.

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It seems like I should remember when that change took place as it so profoundly changed the very fabric of what we were doing together, but like most things in life that are daily, we don’t see them as they are happening. They are clear as we look back.

The Not So Fairy Tale Marriage

We never had a fairy tale marriage, and in fact anyone who claims to have one is probably either not really present or honest. Our love for each other was uneven and the common issues of attraction and initiation- who wanted who, first and more, plagued our ability to connect for years.

The classic, “I am not in the mood” or “I am tired” responses create a cycle of defensive and offensive reactions that is almost like a pre-patterned dance. It’s a scenario that many couples just don’t have enough language to find their way out of.

In hindsight, I know now, that there is no winning side to that argument, but whichever side is your familiar view can color your lens so completely that the other side seems like a holiday. The shame of rejection is really no better than the guilt of turning away.

The pain is equal. I have read that the rejecting partner is the more powerful of the two, but having been on both sides, I don’t think its true- both sides make you unable to connect and leave you feeling equally powerless in having the relationship that you really want.

Choosing The Relationship

Two things transpired in my marriage to lift this issue and allow us to experience sexual desire with out the burden of fear and unmet longing. The first one was choosing my relationship without reservation. Being in my marriage with both feet in the door,

I had a lot more balance and flexibility that gave me more room and ease in dealing with the issues that kept me distant and disconnected. When I gave myself permission to truly stay, to not be looking for the reasons to leave, it changed my relationship to both the issues and my husband.

Finding True Forgiveness

True forgiveness is when you have no memory of how it was before. The past loses its grip on your memory and suddenly there is room for a new way of relating. It’s an odd phenomenon because it isn’t an experience that you can will to happen, it is something that happens to you, seemingly without you- when you have an open heart and a true intent to find what there is to stay for.

Choosing to stay in a relationship is tied to the belief in the power of forgiveness to change life completely. It is the singular pathway we have at our disposal to make things new between people. Having an excellent memory and needing to be right are not helpful in developing this quality in your life.

Be Respectful To One Another

The other important agreement we made was to stop saying anything mean or disrespectful to each other. Couples often have subtle sarcasm, jokes that aren’t really jokes that pepper a conversation and slowly but surely eat away at the positive feelings between them.

Taking note of how often we might say things to our partner that we would never utter to a friend or even a stranger might surprise you. Becoming conscious of the words we use in our daily relating is the door to making a partnership safe.

With practice, the hurtful ways we communicated were planted over by the two of us actively trying to stay. Over time, even the negative unspoken thoughts we were trying not to say were replaced with small kindnesses. Connection happens by itself when we feel safe.

A Whole New Life

Then seemingly suddenly, we began exploring our intimate life with a whole new curiosity and openness. Our sex life became the glue to hold the rest of the more challenging places together. The safer I felt in the relationship, the more risks I could take in the bedroom.

The more our physical love flourished, the more that our relationship thrived. There are still times when one of us, might not feel in the mood when the other does, but now it doesn’t mean anything more than what it is, bad timing.

Although it took us years to get here, sharing the kind of deep intimacy which is the reward for all the communication work that you put into years together is an extraordinary blessing. There is nothing like the “take your breath away” power of loving someone who loves you back, with their eyes wide open. There is no place in life that is more satisfying, healing and transforming.

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Fear of Intimacy

This problem is called “fear of intimacy.” It’s not uncommon, but it is very hard to overcome unless you recognize the problem and act quickly to get help. If you have found yourself experiencing this stressful relationship pattern over and over again, chances are very high that you struggle with intimacy issues.

If you have developed a fear of intimacy, you are not alone. There is help for your problem, if you are willing to do the hard work necessary to conquer it and develop meaningful, lasting relationships that will be enjoyable and rewarding.

What Causes Fear of Intimacy?

Some people have bad relationships with the primary adults in their lives, such as their parents or grandparents. Many of these adults struggled themselves with intimacy problems or with alcoholism or drug dependency. These adults had difficulty caring for and relating to their children, a problem that they passed on to the children.

Other persons who have trouble with becoming close to another person became involved in a bad relationship. If you were a victim of abuse, or if your previous partner cheated on you, you may find that it’s almost impossible to trust someone else again. Trusting another person after you’ve been let down or abandoned is extremely hard.

Many people have trouble admitting to themselves or to others that they do have trouble trusting in a relationship. Often, they cannot even say why they have trouble.

There may be no single incident or bad relationship to which they can point and say, “This is when I stopped trusting in other people.” All they know is that relationships don’t seem to last for more than a few months, and they don’t know what to do to fix the problem.

There Is Hope For You

If you are one of these people, or if you know someone who does have a fear of intimacy, there is hope. The first, and one of the most important steps, is recognizing that you have trust issues and deciding that you want things to get better. Only after you are ready to seek healing can you find a way to cope with and overcome the painful emotions within.

Your Options For Overcoming Fear Of Intimacy

Some people settle for seeing a counselor or therapist and talking about their problems.

They spend thousands of dollars discussing the issues and hoping that someone will figure out why the problem began and find a way to help them solve it. Others try group therapy, hoping to find some help in talking to other people who are experiencing the same struggles.

Neither of these are very effective, and people often become discouraged by the fact that things just don’t seem to improve.

How Can Hypnosis Help?

There is hope, though. Through the use of a therapy approach called Ericksonian Hypnosis, a client can learn to relax and trust other people. Many people are very resistant to the direct suggestions offered by traditional hypnotherapy methods.

Ericksonian Hynotherapy avoids this pitfall so that suggestions reach the unconscious mind without provoking the conscious mind to put up a wall of resistance. This approach is different from, but very often as effective as Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), another approach that targets the root of the problem, which is located in the client’s unconscious mind.

Both Ericksonian Hypnosis and NLP techniques can help a person to relax and learn to trust again. Recently, programs using these techniques have become available on CDs and DVDs. This makes it possible for anyone to use these approaches in the comfort and emotional safety of their own home.

Best of all, they can avoid the expense of repeated weekly trips to a practitioner, and these taped sessions can be just as effective as one-on-one sessions with an NLP or Hypnosis expert. In some cases, they are even more effective.

This solution is perfect for those who have already experienced enough loss in their lives. No one wants to lose yet another relationship, or find it impossible to relate to the person who matters most to them.

If you’re ready to find out more about how you can overcome the fear that you can no longer trust the person who matters most to you, it’s time to find out more about these approaches. Don’t miss out on help that is so easily available – and so effective!

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Are couples really supposed to think about how to KEEP their partner from cheating or how NOT to cheat?

Do We Really Need to Anticipate Cheating?

The thing about cheating in most cases is, it’s not an anticipated occurrence.  I mean, no one gets married or enters into a relationship thinking that they will cheat or that their partner will.  So all of the ‘couldda-wouldda-shouldda’ talk seems meaningless to me.

Some experts suggest that the partner who was cheated on did not adorn enough attention or appreciation on the cheater.  Other experts solely blame the cheater on breaking their vows or stepping outside of their relationship in greed.

Talking About it Before it Happens

Many tend to agree that couples should sit down and have a discussion at the first sign of trouble or to be open with the other partner about their unhappiness in the relationship prior to having an affair occur.  I find that thought wildly unrealistic.

I think if you are at a stage where you have to sit down and have ‘that conversation’ things are already too far gone.  Plus, I would bet that there are a very minimal percentage of people who would actually HAVE a conversation like this prior to any affair happening. It just doesn’t happen like that.

As much as we’d like to believe that our partner would ‘at least’ show us the respect of exiting the relationship before a third party interferes, most times, it just doesn’t work that way. The list of what ‘to do’ or what ‘not to do’ when it comes to a faithful relationship is endless.

A true realization of the risk factors to cheating are never fully appreciated until the scope of the reality sets in. In other words, until the cheater is caught or confesses out of guilt.  Many men (sorry guys!) have stated that they would indeed cheat if they KNEW for sure they could get away with it.

Unless you can erase your memory, I don’t believe you can ever truly get away with cheating.  In most cases, something’s gotta give.  Sometimes that will include losing custody of your children, losing your home, losing the person you may have actually loved more.. never truly anticipating that you might be found out.

Does Cheating Really Add Something to the Relationship?

There are those who believe that the odd affair can ‘add’ something to their marriage.

Maybe they have the affair then realize what they ‘really’ have at home and come to appreciate it more.  Perhaps the affairs are what keep the cheater feeling fulfilled, and if they are serviced in the area of desire while their partner services all of the ‘other’ needs they figure they might be able to have their cake and eat it too.

So much of cheating is about rationalization, however irrational it truly is.

End It or Stay In It?

For couples who have discovered adultery has occurred, your choices are to end the relationship and move on or attempt to mend the fences.  I believe the latter is much easier said than done.  Forgiving an affair is one thing, forgetting it is entirely another.

Once basic trust is lost, I don’t know if it can ever be regained.  Does the discovered cheater want to live the balance of their life proving themselves and being mistrusted?  Does the partner who was cheated upon not realize there are always more options then the person in front of you?  There is.

There are always, and will always be other options and temptations for everyone in any relationship.  The best you can do is to worry about yourself.

Prevention Just Doesn’t Work

It is my fundamental belief that you cannot do anything to prevent someone from cheating.  No matter how badly we’d all like to think we can.  There are always couples where one person is shocked that their ‘perfectly happy’ relationship has been rocked by cheating.

However, most cheaters do not feel the same ‘perfect happiness’ that their partners suggest.  Not everyone feels the same way even though they are in the same relationship.  The best we can do is to try to be happy and fulfilled with the relationship we are in.

If your partner strays then they are not the best person for you anyway and we all deserve better.  If you are the cheater, you are obviously missing something in your current relationship as well.  The desire I seek in a successful relationship is to make my partner feel as though they are the happiest person in the room at all times.

I also expect my partner to do the same in return.  Enjoying one another is vital.  Attempting to change a person is not a viable option.  Connection is key.  Appreciation is also key, however, you don’t have to kiss your partner’s ass in order to save your relationship from the threat of infidelity.

You’ve got to WANT to appreciate that person, and they do the same for you.  Be your best person and fully expect to get what you give. If you worry your relationship will be hit by a bus one day, you’ll waste precious time when the outcome of tomorrow is almost always uncertain at best.

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People who discover their partners have been unfaithful to them go through a hurricane of different emotions – anger, sadness, shame, dejection, sometimes even relief. It’s a grieving process, not of a person that’s died, but of a relationship and level of trust that’s instantly disintegrated. In short, it sucks.

But before you can begin “grieve” that loss of trust, or simply throw caution to the wind and ditch your partner for good, you need to make absolutely sure your reaction will be 100% warranted. You need to know without doubt whether your lover has, in fact, double-crossed you by looking for, finding, and partaking in, an affair.

The only guaranteed way of knowing this, aside from finding damning physical evidence or seeing the affair with your own eyes (both pretty rare), is by hearing a confession straight from the horse’s mouth, by communicating your suspicions with your partner and listening to what they have to say however heartbreaking or relieving their response might be.

But before you take that big step, there are a few simpler and smaller steps you can take to make the whole process, the whole “investigation” and confrontation of your partner, easier and more factually accurate.

The first thing you should do is look for some of the most common signs/groups of signs people produce when they cheat. I’ve listed 3 of them below. Read over and think about each and carefully consider if they apply to you, your partner and your relationship.

1. Changes in sex drive and sexual behavior

Sex is almost always an integral part of a happy and healthy relationship between two people. So when one of the two, regardless of whether it’s the guy or the girl, begins to cheat, it doesn’t come as any surprise that changes in the way they feel about having sex with their partner can be brought about. There are two main ways these changes can manifest themselves.

When the cheater initially begins their affair they may, out of guilt and in an effort to avoid the newly formed affair being rumbled, actually increase the amount of attention they pay their real partners in bed. Conversely, and usually a little while after the affair has begun, the cheater may appear to have a loss of sex drive.

They, for some reason, seem to not want to be intimate with you as much as they used to. Once again, this can be attributed to guilt, but more often it’s to do with a fear they’ll reveal their infidelity through they way they behave before, during and after having sex with you.

2. Peculiar changes in habits & schedule

When people cheat, they invariably change their behavior and/or habits in some way, small or large. The reason they cannot avoid these alterations is because, no matter how infrequently or secretly they see the person they’re having an affair with, they MUST, at some point or another, go out of their way to do so (and thereby break or change habits and behavior).

So, look for recent and pronounced modifications in the times they come home/leave the house (and whether the changed times ‘repeat’ weekly), increased usage of the phone or computer for no obvious/innocent reason, and other differences in the way your partner acts and behaves.

You know your partner’s old habits and ways of living better than anyone, so draw from that knowledge to compare how they might have changed them and to decide if the changes are to be taken as possible indications of betrayal.

3. Miscellaneous indicators of infidelity

Lastly, there’s the group of infidelity indicators that don’t fit in any other box or under any other title. They’re the things you notice, question and cannot innocently explain away.

They’re the things you spot but almost choose to forget because you’re so unsure of what they may or may not mean and whether, ultimately, they are true signs that your partner is cheating on you with someone else. Here are just a couple of miscellaneous indications of infidelity:

1. Your partner no longer seems to get angry with you when in the past they always seemed to be picking a fight or getting worked up over any tiny issue. Cheaters often ‘let their partners off’ because they want as little confrontation (which could lead to a discovery on your part) as possible.
2. She or he frequently shifts the focus onto you. Cheaters often asks their partners more questions about how their day went, how they’re feeling, etc, again, to shift the attention away from them and their guilt.

Remember, when you suspect your partner may be cheating, always take the smaller steps, by looking for the kinds of subtle signs listed above, before taking the biggest step of all: confronting them. Doing so will give you the very best chance of a happy, or at least a more manageable, final outcome.

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That quote speaks to every man and every woman in every place and time!  The worlds’ greatest love stories, from the brilliantly successful ones to the dismally tragic ones, come down to the yearning to love and be loved in return.

Loving and Being Loved

In every love story, there is a quality to the relationship that is defined by how each person deals with his or her own yearning to love and be loved.

Some of us have a stronger desire to love than to be loved.  We pour ourselves out on everyone we love with abandon.  We are supportive and nurturing, even if we risk suffocating the object of our affection.  We may pour out our love in bold, brash, even bullying ways.

I am thinking of men who only need a hint that something is wrong and then swoop in to fix the problem, their loved one, and the people involved!  This also brings to mind women who turn into protective mother bears when their loved ones (cubs) are threatened.

Others who are more committed to loving than being loved show their support and nurture by being submissive, following their lover wherever he or she leads.  Even if it is to a dark place, the supportive, nurturing, I-am-totally-there-for-you individual loves the risk of loving no matter the cost.

A Stronger Desire to be Loved

Then there are those of us with a stronger desire to be loved.  As supportive as I think I am, sometimes my desire to be loved by my husband is so strong I embarrass myself!  When he is preoccupied with something, with steely focus accomplishing something, if I interrupt and thereby incur even a slight dismissal, the pout that forms on my lips is telling!

In an instant, it is all about me and my needs and desires. If I were truly one of those supportive types, wouldn’t I have seen and appreciated his preoccupation with whatever he was accomplishing?

Managing my desire to be loved and choosing to sometimes follow my yearning to love, as a priority over my yearning to be loved, is simple enough.  It can be heartbreaking to watch someone completely sabotage their relationship because nothing can satisfy the hunger for proof that their lover loves them beyond all others!

Sabotaging the Relationship

Of course, the supportive, nurturing lovers can sabotage their relationships too.  Smothering love can snuff out love, shocking the supportive individual with the level of resentment the recipient of their love feels towards them and all their loving attention!

Yet, the “yearning to love and be loved is at the heart of who we are.”  At some point in your life, I hope you were your mother’s and father’s beloved infant.  Mothers and fathers do their best.  Sometimes their best is brilliant, sometimes it is good enough, and other times it is barely adequate.

Relationship With Caregivers

Whatever your relationship with your primary caregiver; when you were an infant, someone answered your call and met your needs.  That person was an extension of you, as far as you were concerned, and when she or he was answering your needs and desires, it was as if the two of you were one.

When we fall in love with someone who falls in love with us, we see each other in a way that feels familiar.  Falling in love is the closest we come to “mother love,” that love that answers all our needs.  Even if the timing isn’t completely right; the need is answered by this person, this mother or father, who completes us.

Yearning for Love

I imagine the first time we feel the yearning to love and be loved happens the first time we realize our primary caregiver is, in fact, not an extension of us.  The distance between that person and us must be wide and terribly tangible.  Even if she is within arms reach, the sudden realization of the difference between us, of the boundaries that define each of us, must feel like a chasm.

Jump ahead twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years and the lover who reminds us of how it feels to be completed by another shows up without boundaries, longing to get as close to us as we will allow.  Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual closeness are aches easily filled by our new lover.  Nobody wants that honeymoon period to end.

The Honeymoon Period Has to End

The honeymoon period ends.  For some, the ache of what feels like separation might actually stir up grief.  For others, getting some boundaries back in place, letting friends and family back in to their own and the new life they have created with their new lover is a breath of fresh air!

In whatever way you deal with the yearning to love and be loved, use it to the best advantage of your lover and yourself.  When you feel the ache of it rising in your gut, let the ache grow.  Let it come up into your chest, around your heart and throat, and breathe through it, in and out.

Appreciate the gift of having someone in your life with whom you can satisfy that desire for connection.  Let it drive you to acts of love that delight, not smother…acts of love that might even give a person some space.

Use it to value your ability to love and be loved in return.  Use it to value his or her freedom to love and be loved in return.  Use it to remind you that you two are vulnerable to each other in a way no one else is and celebrate that reality in your own heart, with lovemaking, and with respect.  The quality of your loving will blossom into something even more beautiful than it already is!

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Consider these examples:

“My wife is so upset that I have to travel more on my new job,” Chuck told me in our phone counseling session. “She feels so alone and lost when I’m gone. When I talk with her she is either crying or angry. I feel so badly and guilty but I don’t know what to do.”

“Do you feel responsibility for her feelings?” I asked him. “Do you feel that you are the cause of her feelings?”

“Yes.”

*****

“I’m just starting to date again after my divorce and I’m having a hard time with it,” Jeanette told me. “I just don’t know how to let a man know that I’m not interested in dating him any more, or in pursuing a sexual relationship with him. It feels like such a sticky situation.”

“Is it sticky because you are worried about his feelings?”

“Yes. The last man I dated hung his head and looked so distressed when I asked him to leave. I know that he was really attracted to me and I wasn’t at all attracted to him. I felt so awful that he was so hurt.”

“Did you feel responsible for his feelings?”

“Yes.”

*****

“My 14 year old daughter is so angry at me for the divorce, even though she knows that we are divorcing because of all my husband’s affairs,” Alissa told me. “I feel so guilty, even though I am not the one who had the affairs.”

“Do you feel responsible for her feelings?”

“Yes, of course!”

*****

The Truth About What Causes Our Feelings

Do you believe that you CAUSE others’ feelings, and are therefore responsible for them?

This is a major false belief. Some of our feelings, such as grief from losing a loved one, or helplessness over others, or loneliness when we want to share love with another and no one is available, are caused by life events. But most of our feelings, such as anger, anxiety, depression, hurt, guilt, or shame, are caused by our own thoughts and actions.

If Chuck’s wife is abandoning herself by not attending to her own feelings, or by judging herself, or by making Chuck responsible for her, then she will feel alone and angry at Chuck. It is not Chuck who is abandoning her. It is she who is abandoning herself.

Since there is nothing Chuck can do about the fact that his wife is abandoning herself, he cannot possibly take responsibility for her feelings. But he CAN take responsibility for his own feelings. As long as Chuck is telling himself the lie that he is responsible for his wife’s feelings, he will feel badly and guilty. His guilt is his inner guidance’s way of letting him know that he is telling himself a lie.

Taking Responsibility For Our Own Feelings

If Chuck or Jeanette or Alissa were to take responsibility for their own feeling instead of someone else’s, they would say to themselves, “I WANT responsibility for causing my feelings of guilt. What is the lie I am telling myself that is causing my guilt? Oh, I’m telling myself that I’m responsible for the other person’s feelings (the wife, the date, the daughter), and the fact that it is causing me to feel badly is letting me know that this is not true.”

Then they would open to learning about the truth – that we cannot take responsibility for others’ feelings. We can certainly be kind, gentle, caring and considerate, which is part of taking responsibility for ourselves, but no matter how loving we are, we cannot take responsibility for what others tell themselves that cause their fear, anxiety, aloneness, emptiness, anger, hurt, or depression.

What would change in your life if you decide that you WANT responsibility for your feelings and not for others’ feelings? If you really made this decision, you would stop being a caretaker, taking responsibility for others’ feelings, and you would stop being a taker, making others responsible for your feelings.

You would be free to be truly loving to yourself and share your love with others. Imagine the possibilities of that!

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Should you give your cheating partner another chance or does it end here?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve had the feeling my bf was cheating on me. I’ve caught him in multiple lies about were he was, why it was taking him hours to get home from work, where his money was going… In the end through checking his voicemail and email I found out that he was cheating. I have even gone so far as to show him the emails and tell him about the voicemails. He still insists that it never happened. I am willing to give him one more chance if and only if he comes clean and is completely honest with me. Am I foolish to think that our relationship can be saved?

–Marie, MA

Cheating And Apologizing

Everyone makes mistakes, its human nature. It might have happened because your partner was a little too drunk or it might have been a flat out mistake. A person who cheats and it was obviously a mistake may try to hide it, because they’re afraid of what might happen if they’re honest.

When confronted about the cheating, however, this type of person will usually own up to the mistake and apologize for it. In these cases, it can be easier to forgive and forget and give your partner another chance.

Cheating And Lying

On the other side of the coin, there’s the type of person who will cheat, continually even, and deny or lie about it even when confronted with evidence that they’ve been cheating. Even worse is when this person continues to cheat even after they’ve been confronted about it and denied it!

This type of cheater is definitely more difficult to forgive and in some cases, it’s better to move on and find a new relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to own up to their mistakes and promise to be honest and move past the cheating, there’s really no way you can forgive them.

How can you forgive someone who isn’t sorry or who won’t even stop cheating? This is something you really have to think about on your own and figure out what you can live with. This type of cheater is generally the type that is considered “once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Giving A Cheater Another Chance

For a relationship to be successful, you need to have a level of trust, understanding and confidence in each other. You need to be able to trust your partner and have confidence that they love you and won’t cheat on you. Regardless of how they cheated or with whom they cheated, if you can once again build your relationship on a foundation of trust and honesty, your relationship may stand a chance.

This is essential though. If you try to rebuild your relationship on mistrust, lies and dishonesty, the only way your relationship will be headed is in the dumps. You can try to prolong the inevitable, but if your partner continues to lie to you, continues to cheat or in any way isn’t open and honest with you, your relationship isn’t going to be worthwhile.

You will eventually get tired of lies and mistrust and move on, but knowing ahead of time whether you can really save your relationship can save you a great deal of time and heartache in the long run.

Whether or not to give your cheating partner another chance is not a decision to make lightly. It’s something you really need to sit down and think about before making your choice. Try to talk to your partner and find out what their feelings are towards the situation as well.

Does your partner want forgiveness or do they seem to not care? A lot of your decisions will come from how your partner reacts when you approach them about the cheating.

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Sometimes calling someone a “stalker” comes after several failed attempts at communicating the disparity in feelings.  Other times, used early on in that person’s affection, it is meant to belittle and humiliate.

One of the problems inherent when a person is actually stalked is the stalker invades that person’s personal space: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and even spiritually.  The stalker is in the person’s life without invitation and without permission.

Similarly, when a person has someone in her life that has fallen in love with her and is desperate to be seen by her, this potential lover’s attention can feel needy, clingy, and invasive because he is requesting admittance at a deep level without invitation or permission.

Imbalance In Relationships

Within an established relationship, if one member of the couple is usually needier or more clinging, resentment can start to build for both of them.  For instance, if I am going through a period of insecurity and fear and I pull on my husband for reassurance repeatedly,

I resent my weakness as well as the extra power he has as the more secure one.  If I am so needy that he never has the opportunity to relax much less share his own insecurities here and there, he can resent having to be the strong one.

An imbalance of need or desire can suck the life right out of either an established, potential, or even non-existent relationship!  How do you turn the tide when you find you are the needy one and what can you do to help yourself and the relationship if you are the stronger one?

Balancing the Imbalance

The short answer to both sides is self-love!  At those times in life when you find yourself the needier, more insecure one, self-love is an incredible cure.  If you have found yourself in the needy position for what seems like most of your life, self-love is crucial!

By nurturing yourself, giving yourself your own unconditional high regard, thereby valuing who you are from the core of your being to the tips of your fingers, souls of your feet, and top of your head, you give yourself a sense of security from within that no one else can give you.  Furthermore, no one else can take it away.

Self-Love is the Answer

If you are in the position of having someone need you in a dysfunctional way, your own self-love can be the answer there too.  Your self-love will be the answer when you know that you are responsible for everything that shows up in your life.

If someone is in your life pulling on you and making life uncomfortable, or even unsafe, taking the stand that you attracted this to you, even if you do not know why, can make a difference in 1) how quickly the situation resolves itself and 2) whether or not you create the same situation again.

Why Doesn’t Matter

You do not have to know why you “created” this situation.  It may be you do not even have to do anything with or about the other person.  If you are willing to take responsibility and say to yourself, “I created this.  I do not want this situation in my life. I love myself enough to release the need for this type of dysfunction!” and really own those words, then the situation will either resolve itself or you will find opportunities to resolve it appearing.

Accepting that kind of responsibility takes courage, inner security, and love – love of self and love of other.  There are needs and desires in our lives where once met add to our lives.  Lovers’ bodies and souls longing for each other, needing each other’s touch, and desiring sexual expression is life giving!

The Danger of Allowing it to Continue

However, allowing someone to need or desire you with a desperation that strangles and threatens to snuff out life isn’t an act of love.  It is rather supporting of dysfunction that, if allowed to continue for too long, can wreck a relationship or even a life.

Unconditional positive regard of both the other and the self demands the tough love that says, “I created this…I love myself enough to release the need for this type of dysfunction.”

If you ever find yourself calling someone who has taken an interest in you a “stalker,” stop and give it some thought.  Perhaps you are being too callous with someone who chooses to risk this level of vulnerability because he or she finds you irresistible.

If they are legitimately annoying, take your attention off the other person and put it on yourself.  Take responsibility and love yourself enough to release whatever it is in you that created this situation.  Give taking that level of responsibility a try and see what happens.

The next time you find yourself needful in a way that you suspect is hurtful, take some time for yourself and love you.  Sit in front of a mirror and say, “I love you,” like you mean it!  Play music and light candles.

Make it a sacred time to give yourself your own, genuine unconditional positive regard.  The more you do it, the more your inner security will rise to the surface to guide and protect you!

You are worthy of love that helps you live a better life.  You can begin getting that kind of love by giving it to yourself.

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Stress is so normal that we actually come to depend on it to help us with the everyday activities of our lives. For example, if people didn’t feel some stress and anxiety about their grades, they would not be motivated to perform well in school. Likewise, without being a little anxious about paying bills, eating, and housing, people would not be concerned about getting employment or doing their jobs well.

Stress Damages Health & Relationships

Too much stress, however can be damaging to our health and relationships. Excessive worrying can cause a person’s body to produce chemicals that cause high blood pressure, lessen pain tolerance, and even delay healing.

People with high stress levels become ill more easily and get well more slowly. They aren’t able to perform their jobs as effectively or concentrate as intently on course work and exams.

Excessive stress can damage personal relationships as well as business relationships. People who are coping with high levels of anxiety are often irritable from lack of sleep, and have a lower tolerance for a family member’s little faults. Persons who are under high levels of stress may find it much more difficult to control their tempers or say things tactfully.

This often leads to harsh or unkind words. The person who is under high levels of stress may or may not realize just how much someone else might be affected by these words. If he or she does not recognize how much the words hurt, further misunderstandings can result, and the relationship can be permanently hurt by this situation.

How Dating Causes Stress

People who are dating are under high levels of stress as each is working to convince the other that he or she is attractive, interesting, and appealing. Usually, people who are irritable and cranky are not appealing to others.

If you are considering entering a dating relationship, but are at a stressful point in your life, it may be wise to think about waiting until your stress is resolved, or getting some help in relieving your anxiety.

If you are already in a relationship that you value, however, avoiding interacting with the person while you are feeling stressed is probably not a good choice. Finding relief from the stress is probably a more desirable choice than getting out of the relationship altogether. But where can you turn?

Where to Turn For Help

When it comes to dealing with stress, people have a number of options from which to choose. Some people opt for medications that help to relieve anxiety. These medicines, however, can cause sleepiness or drowsiness, and often affect a person’s ability to work and concentrate as well.

Other people, realizing the extent of their stress levels, decide to seek assistance from a professional. Many opt for expensive group or individual therapies. While these approaches can help, they are expensive and time-consuming. Making spare time for keeping therapy appointments can add to the daily stress in a person’s already busy life.

Some people choose to try hypnosis to help them decrease their stress levels. Hypnosis is an excellent tool for relieving anxiety and stress. As a matter of fact, the essence of hypnosis is relaxation!

Misconceptions About Hypnosis

There are a lot of misconceptions about hypnosis. The most prevalent are:

A. Hypnosis is sleep. This is false, actually hypnosis is the opposite of sleep, and it is a state of keen awareness where you are wide-awake and aware of everything around you.

B. You cannot be made to divulge your secrets.

C. You cannot be made to do anything against your will.

There are many different forms of hypnosis, so choosing the right methodology can be confusing.

Forms of Hypnosis

Traditional hypnosis relies on the hypnotist giving the client post-hypnotic suggestions. This can be effective, but it usually only works for people who find it easy to accept suggestions from others without questioning why or how. Most people who are experiencing high levels of stress in their lives, however, do not fit into this category.

A more sophisticated form of hypnosis is Ericksonian Hypnotherapy, named after Milton Erickson, MD, the father of modern hypnosis. This form of hypnosis is highly effective for today’s analytical personality because it hides the suggestions to the unconscious mind within conversation, stories, and metaphores.

A newer, more revolutionary alternative for people who tend to over analyze things and try to solve their problems through critical thinking is Neuro-Linguistic Programming, or NLP. This approach allows people to eliminate stress by using techniques that are easy to learn and implement.

People actually learn to program their mind for relaxation, and become much calmer, by training their unconscious to use the very same thought processes that caused their stress, as triggers to eliminate it.

While Ericksonian Hypnotherapy and NLP are very effective, people often do not have the spare time or money to visit a qualified hypnotherapist and learn these techniques. For this reason, self-hypnosis and NLP experts have created a number of CDs to help people learn and practice these techniques at home.

Stress affects everyone, and too much stress can be harmful to a person’s health and relationships. Most people are willing to do everything reasonably possible to keep relationships with family, friends, and loved ones as healthy as possible.

Finding workable solutions for treating stress, such as NLP or hypnotherapy approaches, is much less expensive, and painful, than losing a friend or a spouse. Read more about the advantages of stress relief today!

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So what do I mean by emotional and/or sexual intimacy and how can one nurture such experiences?

Intimacy is not necessarily sex

Well, intimacy is often colloquially thought of as simply “having sex” by some. This is not what I mean here.

By intimacy I am referring to one’s ability to be open to one’s own inner feelings and then be able to share such experiences with one’s partner freely and without fear of any kind.

You see intimacy is about letting yourself be fully known to yourself and to your partner.

Unfortunately this is easier said than done for many individuals because most have been conditioned to suppress, hide, denigrate, or make unconscious much of one’s inner emotional life.

That is largely because the societal norms which continue to be perpetuated see feelings and emotions as dangerous, untrustworthy, illogical, painful, impulsive, etc.

Well, this is a sad state of affairs because emotions and feelings are what make you and me human beings.

What happens when we shut down

So by shutting down this part of one’s life experience one is essentially making one’s self less than a whole human being. That means that while in a relationship you are not fully present as your complete self.

Of course at some level your partner will eventually recognize this and feel like he/she is not fulfilled because he/she is not having a relationship with a whole human being.

It’s at times like this that individuals start feeling dissatisfied with their relationship and hence start looking elsewhere for happiness. No wonder so many relationships end for this reason.

The ability to nurture a bond of intimacy starts only when each individual starts to take personal responsibility for allowing their inner emotional life to emerge. First to themselves and then to their partner.

As I said earlier this self revelation can be a scary one for many because allowing this emotional life to emerge often means allowing unresolved emotional pain to come to the surface of one’s experience. This can make an individual feel inadequate, guilty, sad, depressed, anxious, angry, hurt, tired, etc.

The tendency might be to attempt to numb the emotional pain through drugs, alcohol, sex, work, and other distractions. Again this leads to individuals simply acting out a stale relationship with little depth and or awareness of self or other.

Sooner or later this will declare itself as unsatisfying and each partner will be on the look out for something else.

Nurturing intimacy

In order to nurture intimacy each individual must begin to invite their deeper emotional life into the relationship so that they can be fully known.

I have worked with individuals for over 15 years with a modality called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP) that allows one to quickly, easily and painlessly allow such personal and interpersonal growth to occur.

With respect to the issue of sexual intimacy I will add that one must be fully present (i.e. sexually, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) in order to achieve it.

In other words it is contingent on each partner allowing their entire Self to emerge in love, self acceptance and without fear.

So if you’ve followed me so far I think you’ve recognized that intimacy is as much about knowing yourself as it is about knowing your partner.

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Whether they’re relationship problems, sex problems or even behavioral problems and problems from our pasts, we don’t have the resources or the knowledge we need to right ourselves, no matter how hard we try!

Therapy can work wonders, but where do you start? There are hundreds and hundreds of different types of therapy available to you. How do you know which one is right for you?

What is the difference between the various types of couples counseling that’s available? (traditional counselor, hypnotherapy, alternative treatments, etc)

Treating the problem chemically.

Psychiatrists are under the study that all mental illnesses and behavioral problems are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Psychiatrists often treat these illnesses with an array of medications that are intended to replace the lost chemicals or reduce the amount of abundant chemicals, therefore stabilizing the patient’s mood and behavior and quieting any mental illness.

Psychiatry is not a type of therapy that is for everyone, but it is certainly beneficial in some situations. Talk to your doctor to find out if a visiting a psychiatrist is something you should consider based on your current situation.

Talking it out.

A popular type of therapy nowadays is psychotherapy, or talk therapy. What happens in this type of therapy is that you and your therapist sit together for a determined period of time and together, you are able to talk through your issues.

Your therapist can give you the tools you need to make the changes in your own life that you need to make, and they can definitely be there to help you through difficult decisions and unpleasant situations such as divorce, a job loss or even relationship troubles.

Religious based therapy.

Everyone has a belief system and some people prefer to counsel with therapists that incorporate their chosen set of beliefs into the therapy. Catholics will often visit a priest to confess, and Christians and other religious people will visit a therapist of this same religion.

If your faith is an integral part of your life and is often what you base your life decisions on, it makes sense that you would seek out a therapist of your same beliefs.

Hypnotherapy and alternative therapy.

There are many different types of alternative therapies, including acupuncture, hypnotherapy, past life regression, reiki, and more. These types of therapy can work well on their own or even alongside a more traditional type of therapy. These therapies are designed to help bring you peace and an understanding of yourself. They too can help you work through life issues and help you learn what you need to solve your current problems and deal with new ones as they present themselves.

Only you can decide what type of therapy is right for you! Take your motivation into consideration, as well as your beliefs and whether or not you’d like your insurance to pay for the therapy sessions. The most important thing in therapy is to never have a closed mind, and to stick with your therapy long enough for it to work! Just a few weeks in therapy aren’t likely to do you any good, so talk with your therapist to find out where you see things going.

You and your therapist can work together to find a path through this life that is fulfilling and satisfactory. Seeking a therapist does not indicate weakness. It only indicates that you care enough about yourself and those around you to make some much needed changes in your life, and you have the power to do that!

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The more power these people believe they have, the more risk they are willing to take. However, this behavior can set up an incredibly damaging dynamic. Consider, for instance, the number of scandals that regularly arise involving high-powered executives, wealthy stock-market investors, or political figures.

How power affects relationships

I’m quite sure that former president Bill Clinton never believed he would get caught when he embarked on an affair with a White House intern. Another psychological effect of constant risk taking is the impact the adrenaline rush that such behavior can provide. These thrill seekers “self-medicate,” and I see in my practice their self-destruction. Individuals who are prone to addictive behavior are in danger of falling into a damaging cycle where the rush of taking the risk becomes all the reward they need.

Whether or not their risky behavior is beneficial becomes secondary. And the more risks they take, the more powerful they may feel. This type of power dynamic in a relationship can have a significant impact on a couple’s shared finances. When faced with a crisis, risk takers, who generally take a “don’t worry, don’t plan” approach to money management, may make rash decisions that result in emotional and financial catastrophes for them and/or their partners.

The brain’s reaction to powerful emotional even

According to Bret t N. Steenbarger, clinical psychologist and author of Enhancing Trader Performance, “When humans experience a powerful emotional event (and a big gain or loss in our wealth, even if it is on paper, is one) our brains don’t work the way they do when we’re calm. During times like these the analytical part of the brain shuts down….” You need a plan to limit risk, especially at these times when your brain fails you.

Assess your risk

To help you understand how much financial risk is present in your relationship, ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you have a plan in case of a financial emergency, such as loss of a job or a medical crisis?
2. Are there a lot of high-risk stocks in your portfolio?
3. Do you own your home?
4. Do you have multiple credit cards with high interest rates?
5. Can you easily make the minimum monthly payments on your credit cards?
6. Do you have an adjustable rate mortgage?
7. Do you have six months’ living expenses set aside in case of emergency?
8. Have you ever had to take a loan from friends or family to “bail you out” of a bad financial situation?
9. Do you pay yourself first by putting money in savings before paying your bills?

If your answers to the even-numbered questions are mostly “yes” and your answers to the odd-numbered questions are mostly “no,” you are living with a very high level of risk in your relationship. If the reverse is true (the even-numbered questions are mostly “no” and the odds are mostly “yes”), then you have an extremely conservative approach to financial risk.

In order to successfully navigate the power struggles that occur around money, it is important to know how comfortable both you and you partner are with financial risk. It is also

important to consider your relationship’s power dynamic and your personal relationship to money and power. Acknowledging these different perspectives can help you to understand where your partner is coming from when you find that you are locked in a power struggle about money.

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When she met Don she felt relieved to be with someone who listened to her feelings, cared about what she thought and wanted.  Together they forged an attempt at a marriage.  Within six months Don had begun verbally putting her down and nagging at her for minor infractions.  Karen had been “through this before” and she withdrew from him emotionally, mentally making her plans for divorce before they were through their first year.

The Underlying Issues

Before the year was out she had divorced him and was convinced that no man could be what she needed.  When I spoke with her a few months after the divorce she told me about the failure of their marriage.  She said he had never been able to perform sexually, but that she was not upset about it; she was just happy to have someone who cared about her. But as his own since of inadequacy around his sexual performance grew, he became angrier and angrier toward her, ultimately pushing her to divorce.

I was saddened that she had not discussed her marital problems with me prior to their divorce because I knew what had happened could have been prevented had she been aware of the dynamic underlying his behaviors.  Don’s insecurity put him in a position of feeling trapped and hopeless, despairing of being the partner for his wife in the way he wanted.  His instinct was to move into a self-protective mode, pushing her away so that she would not want to be sexual with him.  Karen then reacted back in her own self-protective mode and retreated behind first emotional barriers, then legal ones.

Both in tremendous pain and feeling like a failure, the marriage dissolved without so much as a look back.

Failure Out of Fear

Don and Karen’s dramatic example of how a marriage can fail out of a fear that is not addressed highlights the pain that results from a lack of compassion in marriage.  Do I think Karen should have continued to put up with his verbal abuse? No, I don’t. But I do think that if she had been able to see through the rage into the pain that was underneath, she may have been able to save her marriage.

Don continued to be the same loving, gentle, wounded soul she had married, but she lost sight of that because of how his hurt and fear played out.  No one can blame her for that considering the abuse she had endured for nearly 20 years.  Yet all in all, it was such a shame for both of them.

Had Karen recognized that he was pushing her away because he was so fearful of rejection by her because of his inadequacy in the bedroom, she could have responded to him with empathy instead of self-protective anger.  Had Don recognized and been able to own his true fear to her instead of pushing her away, things might have turned out very differently…

If Karen had come to me sooner, I could have helped them work through their fears and begin to see each other as human beings who are hurting and desperate for love.  Had either of them taken ownership of the situation and offered empathy and respect to the other, compassionate understanding could have transformed their relationship.

How to Work Through the Fear

If you find yourself in a situation where your partner seems to suddenly be pushing you away with anger, nagging or other kinds of protective withdrawal there are things you can do.

1. Breathe, and know that whatever is going on with them, while it might seem like it is about you, rest assured it is not. Contain your own reactivity long enough to hear what is really going on.
2. Listen to the fear and hurt underneath the anger.  When someone is angry and bitter or cold, they are in pain and/or fear.
3. Respond in a way that acknowledges your recognition of their feelings. Say something like; “I can see that you are really hurting right now. I’m sorry.  What is going on?” Use your own words to convey that message.
4. Give them a chance to fully disclose what they are feeling even if it makes no sense to you initially and you don’t agree with their point of view.
5. Respond to what they are saying with some kind of acknowledgment that what they are saying makes sense given how they saw things. (This does not mean you agree, only that given how they are seeing it, it makes sense.)
6. Let them know you empathize with their pain and/or fear.  Have you ever felt anything like what they are expressing before?  Our human experiences are always similar. Letting your partner know you’ve been there helps them feel safer with you.
7. If they will let you, connect through some kind of physical touch, a hand on the shoulder, a kiss, a hug, a held hand… something that gives them the physical sensation of your being there with them.

Of course, I recognize how difficult this is to achieve when someone is expressing their anger directly to you. But when you can shift out of the automatic reactive self-protection mode you have a chance and getting beyond the tit for tat battles that are the downfall of even very close relationships.

The compassion that is the end result of such communication can really change everything about your life in every relationship.  It can save your marriage.

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Empathy in a relationship continues to fuel the stuff of really long lasting relationships because, I believe, most people desire to feel like their partner not only “gets” them but cares about how they’re feeling on a deeper level. 

As far as long term relationships go, this level of attunement trumps massages, romantic gestures and sex as all of these wonderful elements have natural ends to them. 

The benefit of being empathetic towards your mate is that it constantly reinforces your relationship foundation – and the payoff is enduring.  

“So what is empathy?” 

According to the Webster dictionary, empathy is, “The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”  Empathy may be a ‘given’ in your relationship and if it is, consider yourself lucky. 

Many people are keenly aware of the lack of empathy from their partners.  I know this because I have worked with many couples who report low levels of empathy in their relationships – which has usually morphed into high levels of resentment.

I’ve found that the more successful couples have figured out that being tuned into each other on this level can only bring them closer.  They check in with each other more (emotionally), are good listeners and tune in well to the one another’s needs.  Partners who are empathetic to each other tend to notice more readily when something is bothering the other and be open for discussion about whatever is the matter.  This creates an environment where they both feel cared for. 

I think we all can agree that we all want to feel cared for by the people that matter the most to us.

“What are some ways to show my partner empathy?”

An easy way is to be a good listener.  Then you take that up a notch and see if you can put yourself in their shoes in how they might be feeling about whatever situation they’re talking about. 

For example, your partner says, “I felt really hurt when you didn’t call me back like you said you would.”  An empathetic response would be something like, “I’m so sorry – I totally forgot.  I can completely understand why you’d be disappointed.”  An example of a response lacking empathy would look this way, “Why are you always so sensitive?  It’s no big deal.”  Ouch. 

I think most people are empathetic by nature but I suspect we simply forget.  If you find yourself hitting a speed bump with your partner, remember these words about the power of empathy.  It’s a wise investment in the future of a long lasting, healthy and loving relationship.

To learn more about Lisa Brookes Kift, visit The Therapy and Counseling Blog.

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The truth is that sometimes a fight is about much more than not picking up dirty laundry or taking out the garbage.

Jeanie was so upset with her husband. He had always been difficult to feel physically connected to. He had always had a subtle pulling back when she would reach out to touch him, but it had gotten worse in the past few months. She brought him into therapy fearing that they were on the brink of a divorce if not an affair.  Jeanie’s husband, Frank was a sweet, mild mannered man with some anger issues that had been a problem in a previous marriage and were still somewhat an issue with Jeanie.

Why he was pulling away

The bigger problem was that she felt him pulling away from her touch and she was certain this meant he didn’t love her any more.  After a few sessions, it became clear what the problem really was about.  Frank was terrified of losing her to death.  He had witnessed his mother’s death at the age of four; she died mid-sentence while she was talking on the telephone on her bed in front of him.  Then, at 15 he held a girl in his arms as she died from a drug overdose.

When he tapped into this in session the fear and pain he felt was palpable.  Recently he had lost his father to a lingering cancer that left his father comatose for months.  The little boy inside of Frank felt that if he just didn’t allow himself close, then death could be avoided.  Thus, he found himself pulling further and further away from Jeanie.  The pain and shock of his early losses still dictated his emotional and intimate life.

Frank is not any different than the rest of us.  We behave in unconscious ways that dictate how we interact with each other, what we feel and what upsets us.  We go about our lives as if it were a logical, rational process and the choices and actions we take made some kind of sense.

Our brains can trick us into believe one thing when another is true

That’s where “rationalization” comes in to play.  Frank had convinced himself that Jeanie’s return to smoking cigarettes had caused him to withdraw from her.  But actually, her smoking had started in response to his pulling away.  But that’s how our brains work to trick us into thinking that what we do makes sense.

Emotions make no obvious, logical sense.  Emotions are always laden with the memories of times when we felt similar things at some time in the past and are linked together through a complex network of memories that links them to the earliest memories we have.  When Frank connected to his sense of pain about his father’s death it took him directly to the death of his mother, which he had experienced so traumatically, at four.

And, the time of his father’s death, he went back into the emotional state of the four year old.  He was no longer the 30 something man that seemed to be sitting before me, he was emotionally and mentally four.

This is what happens all the time in our conflicts with our partners.  We get angry with them for something they did or didn’t do and we think it’s all about what they did or didn’t do.  As irrational as it seems, our upset it NEVER about what they did or didn’t do! Now, it certainly triggered our upset, but our upset it not really about that.

How childhood can affect our adult relationships

Let me give you an example.  Sara and her husband Tom have been married for about eight years.  They have struggled with understanding each other from the beginning. Tom came from a very chaotic neglectful and physically abusive childhood, and Sara from a set of very over controlling parents who never considered her needs or wishes.

One afternoon Sara was toasting the meringue topping of a pie in the oven.  As she was doing so she was taking care of something in the other room when she forgot about the meringue until she could smell it starting to brown, perhaps too much.

What happened next…

Sara then ran into the kitchen yelling her fear of burning it. Tom jumped up and ran to her aide.  She tried to pull out the shelf without an oven mitt, Tom handed her one.  She of course needed two to pull the pie out of the oven.  She yelled, “What am I supposed to do with that? I need two to get it out!” and promptly went over to get another one.

Tom became angry and yelled back at her, “I was only trying to help!”

To which she replied, “How can I possibly get it out with only one hand?”

The fight ensued and both felt justified in their position.  Later, Sara was able to say that she could see from the look on his face that he was in a time warp that put him back in the presence of his abusive father who was constantly telling him to do things that he had no idea how to do when he was under five years old.  Tearfully, Tom was able to verbalize that reality to her later, as they talked about it on the couch when they had both calmed down.

Take time to really listen

In both the cases of Sara and Tom and Jeanie and Frank, their conflict and hurt feelings had nothing to do with what it looked like was going on.  On the surface, the logical rational side of things, there is no way to see the pain and upset that was hiding beneath the surface.

Without taking the time to truly listen with empathy to what is happening inside the other person, neither Sara nor Jeanie would have had a clue as to what was really going on with their partner.

To get to the place of being able to provide that kind of listening for each other takes work and an ability to step out of our own skin long enough to see things from the others’ prospective.  That is not always easy, often it’s downright scary. But it’s always worth it.

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Women especially are vulnerable to emotional hangovers and can let bad experiences affect them continually, even in new relationships.

Unfortunately, until you get a grip on your emotions, you’re slowly going to poison any relationship that you have.

You need to break the patterns in order to move on.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hello, I read your article on the free library and it connected with me. I am very insecure to the extent I am destroying my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating now for almost 3 yrs. He has been sincere but I somehow still manage to not having any faith in him. My ex’s cheated on me and my boyfriend says I am carrying it over into our relationship.

I hate the fact that I am becoming such a monster, that I can’t control my thoughts and that I am loosing the man I want as a husband. We want to start 2008 fresh.

How does one ‘let go and let things be?’  How can I solve my problems? How can I clear my head and heart out and move forward? Where do I start and what should I do? Please help.

- Ulrika, South Africa

Recognition

Recognizing that this is happening is the first step to emotional recovery.  It takes a lot of courage to face something head on, especially if it’s an emotional issue you’ve been trying to keep buried.

Recognizing that past relationships are affecting your current one is a milestone, and if you’ve even come that far, you should take a breath and congratulate yourself.

Know Your Triggers

Is there something that triggers you to revert back to your old relationships, at least in your unconscious mind?  You may not know them right away, so it’s important to work towards discovering them.

You can write down what happens when you start to push your partner away, or if you become withdrawn or even angry.  This is much easier to do once you’ve really recognized what your behavior is.

The ”why” will come later!  After some time of writing down or keeping track of what happens when your behavior comes into play, you will begin to notice a pattern.

Knowing Your Patterns

With consistency, you’ll begin to learn more about yourself and your behavior patterns.  You’ll know what triggers you, and the sequence of events that happen afterward.  Do you get angry?  Do you become withdrawn?  Do you suspect your current partner to be cheating on you, just because your old partners did?

After some time of really being open and honest with yourself about your behavior patterns, you will be able to understand more of what is going on and then you can begin to delve into the deeper aspects of why this may be happening.

Seek Counseling

Counseling is a wonderful option for people who are carrying around emotional baggage.  An unbiased therapist can help you to work through your emotional issues and let them go.  Be it a traditional counselor, a new age healer or a hypnotherapist, they can use their knowledge and expertise about the human psyche to help you gain back control over your life and your relationships.

Remember, your therapist is not there to solve your problems for you.  They are going to give you the tools you need to work through the problems on your own, and the right therapist will be with you every step of the way.

During this process, you should be open and honest with your partner.  Now is not the time to hide things from them, because you’ll need their support more than ever.  Any partner worth their salt will be understanding and willing to help you, because you’re willing to help yourself.

If you find that you need to be alone to truly come to grips with yourself and get rid of your emotional hangover, be honest about that too.  Chances are you’ll be respected and given your space.  Give yourself time and lots of love, and you can start on the path to healing and emotional recovery!

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Here are five common ways to help create a better, more loving and harmonious relationship with your husband.

1. Handle arguments differently

Every marriage and relationship has arguments, but it’s how you handle them that’s most important.

At Junior High School, I said ‘no’ to drugs. At my wedding altar, I said ‘no’ to fighting. Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” anti-drug campaign was a huge success.

Kids made a verbal commitment and a mental stance to avoid drugs before they were even of the age to be tempted. When they were introduced to drugs, they knew they could “just say no” and not feel alone.

Fighting is NOT harmless. It’s addictive and, if continued, is likely to cause irreparable damage. Certainly there are times when emotions get wrinkled, and the natural inclination is to blow your top.

I sometimes have to bite my tongue so I don’t say something I would regret later (since when is self-control a bad thing?) Having a naturally calm personality has admittedly made it easier for me to think before I speak than it is for some people. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from trying.

2. How to make him listen

In most relationships, a polite and sincere request gets much greater results than if you yell, nag or complain.

For example, the other day Athena saw my bath towel on the middle of our bedroom floor. She said “you might want to hang up your towel or it won’t dry out in time for your shower tomorrow.” When my clothes pile up outside of the hamper, she sweetly says, “it would really help me out a lot if you put your dirty clothes in the hamper.”

She was exhausted one morning and when Ashton (then five months old) began to stir, she turned over to me and asked if I wanted to “get up and have a little morning playtime with Ashton.”

That was a much nicer way of asking me to help her out than saying, “Why am I the one who always gets up early to take care of YOUR son? I think it is YOUR turn for a change.” Athena always thinks of nice ways to ask me to help out or to stop doing something irritating.

3. Turn gossip and bashing into praise

No one’s perfect. When wives get together and the conversation turns to complaining about “what their husbands do,” or male bashing in general, refuse to participate.

It shows that you respect and value your husband. For a man, few things are more devastating than to have his wife criticize him in front of friends. Instead, when a “gripe session” gets going, make it a point to start sharing some of his good qualities.

Usually, this alone will steer the conversation into a positive direction and help your friends to also praise their husbands — which in turn helps them to respect and appreciate them more too. Knowing that my wife refuses to belittle me in front of friends makes me love and respect her even more.

4. Change your routine of life

After a few months or years, most couples get into a comfortable pattern where they always do the same things. Same dinner / movie dates, same sexual routine and same behaviors. You can rekindle some of that magic and keep your marriage magical by simply paying attention to these three important areas:

1. Go on creative dates - agree to go out and do something you’ve never done before once every week, fortnight or month. It doesn’t really matter what you do, but it’s important to commit and do this constantly. Want some ideas? Go to a winery, museum, art gallery, carnival, the beach, or have a picnic in a park.

2. Spice things up under the sheets - try a new position, technique or location. Wear some nice lingerie or introduce some new toys into the bedroom.

3. Change the norm - buy him a gift just to say “I love you,” give him a surprise quickie before work, a nice massage, set up a scavenger hunt that shows how much you care about him with a gift at the end.

5. Face your money issues and debts

One of the biggest problems facing couples today is the huge amount of debt they bring into their marriage. Not only are there more divorces, couples are calling it quits much earlier in their marriage than ever before. Here are some ideas to get your debt and money issues under control.

1. Sit down and prioritize all aspects of your family budget together. Only when you analyze your spending habits will you fully realize where you are wasting money. It’s a great opportunity to talk about your goals and dreams.

2. Realize that frivolously spending money can be a sign of disrespect for your marriage and mate.

3. If you would like a bigger diamond ring or a fancier car, ask yourself why.

4. Take a quick inventory of all the items you own but could really live without. Consider how much you paid for them. What if you didn’t buy those items and had all that money in savings instead? Would it make a difference in how you view your job, your family and your future?

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Shannon could sense his looking at her, in spite of her back being turned to him as she washed the dishes.  Her spine tensed and she felt afraid and then angry.

Jim felt her energy shift and could feel the coldness she projected out at him. He stood frozen in his tracks uncertain as to what to do.

He knew she loved him, and that she wanted to please him.  He also knew she would succumb to him if he asserted himself, but she would be angry with him for days.  He went back to clearing off the table and securing their doors for the night.

How it all began

“Jim and Shannon” are a composite of couples I have worked with over the years. Shannon is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and had yet to understand all the ways it impacts her relationship with Jim.

Shannon thinks Jim is too focused on sex and, unspoken she really believes he only loves her for what she does for him sexually.  She feels shame that he can’t love her for who she is, but doesn’t really think anyone would.

Jim spent his life craving touch. His mother knew that she shouldn’t “coddle him”; her mother taught her well that boys need to be “toughened up”.  She let him console himself when he fell and discouraged his affection toward her.

When Jim became a teenager he discovered the joy of touching girls, and the rush of hormones that came with that touch.  Touch then, for Jim, became inseparable from sex.

When he met Shannon he thought he had found a woman who was very open and comfortable with sexuality.  She never denied him anything he wanted and he felt loved for once in his life.

Ramifications of abuse

Now, as he stood in the kitchen wanting her so badly, he didn’t understand why she no longer seemed to be able to love him as she once had.  He felt guilty for wanting her and confused at her rejection of him.  His anger and resentment built every time she rejected him.

Shannon had started therapy and she told Jim her therapist said she should not have sex with him until she wanted, and to assert her own needs rather than always succumbing to his.

Shannon’s sexual abuse had taught her to please men, but not herself. The disgust and pain she felt at the thought of sex convinced her she could just as well live without it.

It made her angry that Jim continually pushed her to do something he knew was painful and not fun for her. It reinforced her belief that he could only love her if she gave in to his sexual needs.  She felt resentful and angry at his insensitivity, a belief her therapist reinforced in each weekly session.

How to untangle the mess

How do you untangle a mess like this?  Neither fully understands the other’s pain. Both are completely focused on their own needs and their own wounds.  Hearing their story there are few of us that could not feel empathy for each of them; yet they don’t have it for each other.

While sorting out their wounds and re-discovering each other is not simple; the underlying process is really quite simple.  Both “Jim’ and “Shannon” are wounded in complementary and remarkably similar ways.

Both have had their sexuality interfered with through their early childhood experiences. Both were taught erroneous things about their value as human beings and the meaning of the sexual act.

To survive, Shannon had to adapt to her environment by pretending that her needs don’t matter.  So did Jim.

But their needs persisted.  Meeting each other’s needs early in their relationship fit right in with their childhood patterns; but continued to require their ignoring their childhood needs.

This leaves both of them feeling like a victim to the other.  Both fight in self-protective stances to get their needs met by the person they perceive of as the perpetrator of their pain.

Shannon’s well meaning therapist empathized with the horror of Shannon’s abuse and worked to protect Shannon from further pain by encouraging Shannon to avoid sex with her husband.

This attempt to rescue Shannon from her pain resulted in Jim being stuck in a situation that mimicked his mother’s rejection and perpetuated his touch deprivation.

Hearts are broken and marriages fail in this process of trying to rescue a survivor wife from a husband who, naturally, wants an active sex life.

The alternative?

Help both partners understand the dynamic between them.  Teach each partner to experience and practice compassion for the other, as well as themselves. Help them to feel their fear of each other and to accept that fear as a part of the natural development of intimacy, not something to be avoided or disowned.

Encourage them to allow their own feelings to flow in the presence of the other and teach the other to accept and support each other’s pain, sorrow, and joy.

Encourage them to touch each other often in non-sexual ways. Encourage them to learn what healthy sexuality really is: a chance to experience each other fully and joyfully.  The process may be painful and difficult; but the result is the ability to love and be loved.

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In my relationship counseling work as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve seen countless couples who come into my office at the “end of their ropes.”

Many have very shaky relationship foundations, diminished emotional safety and little ability to deflect internal conflict within their relationship, let alone the stressful external events that life sometimes can dish out.

If you think about the amount of financial and emotional investment that goes into preparing for the wedding itself, doesn’t it make sense to invest a little in strengthening the relationship at the onset?

Many couples preparing for marriage honestly believe they are strong going into the union – and they probably are in a lot of ways.  Being caught up with all the loving feelings and other feel-good stuff going on ahead of nuptials, couples often don’t consider the potential pitfalls.  Those “pitfalls” are often times what leads them into a therapist’s office some time down the line.

I strongly encourage couples to give their marriages the best possible start – to do all they can ahead of time to avoid marriage counseling later.  Based on my experience with couples who see me for marriage counseling and the issues they bring in, there are a number of things that would have been helpful for them to have known about or worked on previously.

Here are six great reasons to get pre marriage counseling:

Strengthen Communication Skills

Being able to effectively listen, truly hear and validate the other’s position is a skill that isn’t necessarily a “given” for many people.  Couples that really communicate effectively can discuss and resolve issues when they arise more effectively.

You can tune up your talking and listening skills.  This is one of the most important aspects of emotional safety between couples.

Discuss Role Expectations

It’s incredibly common for married couples to never really have discussed who will be doing what in the marriage.  This can apply to job, finances, chores, sexual intimacy and more.

Having an open and honest discussion about what each of you expect from the other in a variety of areas leads to fewer surprises and upsets down the line.

Learn Conflict Resolution Skills

Nobody wants to think that they’ll have conflict in their marriage.  The reality is that “conflict” can range from disagreements about who will take out the trash to emotionally charged arguments about serious issues – and this will probably be part of a couple’s story at one time or another.

There are ways to effectively de-escalate conflict that are highly effective and can decrease the time spent engaged in the argument.  John Gottman’s research (www.gottman.com) has shown that couples who can do this well are less likely to divorce in the end.

Explore Spiritual Beliefs

For some this is not a big issue – but for others a serious one.  Differing spiritual beliefs are not a problem as long as it’s been discussed and there is an understanding of how they will function in the marriage with regards to practice, beliefs, children, etc.

Identify any Problematic Family of Origin Issues

We learn so much of how to “be” from our parents, primary caregivers and other early influences.  If one of the partners experienced a high conflict or unloving household, it can be helpful to explore that in regards to how it might play out in the marriage.

Couples who have an understanding of the existence of any problematic conditioning around how relationships work are usually better at disrupting repetition of these learned behaviors.

Develop Personal, Couple and Family Goals

It amazes me how many married couples have never discussed their relationship goals – let alone personal or family.  I honestly think it just doesn’t cross their minds!  This is a long term investment together – why not put your heads together and look at how you’d like the future to look?

Where do you want to be in five years?  Approximately when would you like to have children?  How many children?  There are many areas that can be explored and it can be a fun exercise to do together.

Pre marriage counseling doesn’t need to be a long process, especially if you feel you’re starting out with a very solid foundation and only need some clarifications and goal-setting.  For some people who are poised to start out the marriage as a “higher conflict” couple or have deeper issues to contend with, the process could take a bit longer.

Regardless, be sure to take the time to invest in your marriage as you might in the event itself.  The return on your marriage investment has the potential to be life long!

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Honestly, I have been one of those fortunate women who have always enjoyed good sex. That doesn’t mean I have always said “Yes!” to it when my first husbands wanted me to do so.

Sex happens, not so much in our bodies, as in our minds. Before we can find someone sexy there are a number of things that have to happen in our brain. First of all, the prospect has to fit the patterns our unconscious set into place before we were six years old. Those patterns are based on our experiences as a young person with our caregivers. For some of us, that is a good thing and we meet up with really wonderful partners.

But for most of us this unconscious pattern locked into our brain is not necessarily in our best interest in the long run.

How It Works

My first husband was really smart, something I consciously found very appealing. But he also had some wounds of his own that resulted in his attempting to overpower me with his yelling and demands. This, it turns out (after much therapy), is how my grandmother acted toward most everyone in her household. I happened to be in her household much of my life prior to the age of six. Yelling and demanding behavior have an unwanted side effect on a persons sex life. It didn’t take long for this behavior to become a major turn off for me.

What transpired is that my survival instincts kicked in (this is a brain function, by the way) and I would freeze up in his presence after a while. My whole body went into shut down and the last thing I wanted was to jump into the sack with him. My brain made the decision for me.

My second husband appealed to me consciously because he was handsome and an entrepreneur like my Dad. The unconscious appeal turned out to be that, because of his wounds, he would totally neglect me and ignore my needs the way my father did. My resentment built up over time and there is no way I would choose to have sex him. My brain kicked into survival with him simply because it seemed to me that he was not someone safe in that he did not have my best interests at heart: only his.

It’s All in Your Head

Our brains dictate our behavior much more than we consciously realize. We can feel an unconscious pull toward someone and think this means we want to be sexual with them; this is why we will be so attracted to “bad girls” or “bad boys”. They appeal to the part of us that was hurt and neglected as a kid and it matches up like a lock and key with our unconscious memories of before we were six. We are wired to want the kind of relationship we had with our caregivers. I don’t know about you, but this was not a good thing for me!

So what if you find yourself already hooked up with someone whom your brain is now telling you to retreat from rather than gravitate toward sex with? Well, you have to make some choices with the more rational part of your brain. Is this someone with whom you want to make a life with? If so then you have to figure out how to change the dynamic that is making you not want to have sex with them.

Talk, talk, talk

First of all you need to open a discussion with this person about the things making you feel threatened or shut down. This, of course, is not an easy discussion to have with them because they will immediately feel threatened just by bringing up the idea of your having a problem with them.

So, you have to start with telling them how much you love them and want to work things out. Secondly, begin to talk about your feelings as being about you and your history, not about them being “bad” or “wrong” for behaving the way they do. After all, they act the way they do because of their history and family culture.

When you can open a discussion about how their behavior outside the bedroom is affecting your desire for good sex, then there is hope for things to change. Most of the time, if you want more sex, chances are, they do, too.

If your partner doesn’t want more sex, then you can be certain there is something in your behavior that has triggered an unwanted fear or shutting down response from them. The solution to the problem is to talk about what it is your partner needs to feel safe with you again. Find out what you are doing and see if it is something you can consciously choose to change. Get help and support if you need to, to change those behaviors. A relationship coach or therapist could be the key.

To learn more about Melody Brooke, visit OhWowThisChangesEverything.com.

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You’ll almost certainly know that feeling, that inner cry for help, when you need someone to talk to about your marriage, or just a tough relationship problem… but you’re not sure who to turn to…

It can be really awkward talking about it with your friends and family.

After all, word travels fast, and you don’t really need everyone in your circle of friends and family to know you’re not ‘getting any’, or that you and your wife are fighting constantly and are on the verge of breaking up. On top of that, these people are biased – they have a stake in the game so to speak. They may feel that they need to take sides, or may even have their own reasons for keeping you together – or for helping you to break up! They are too close to the action to give you objective advice.

So what can you do? Is there a better option?

Why not see how someone else in the very same situation is dealing with the issue… and better yet, why not see what a bunch of objective third parties have to say about it. People who don’t have personal biases toward your situation, because they don’t even know you or your wife… They’re just offering up ideas and suggestions for remedying the problem and coming to a happy resolution.

I’m sure you see how that can be helpful.

A great open discussion forum site for marriage and relationship problems is the "Talk About Marriage" forums.

You can find help with pretty much any relationship problem, from coping with infidelity, dealing with anxiety or addiction related issues, and even going through a divorce or separation.

These forums are a surprisingly supportive community and an open, accepting atmosphere.

They actually have some pretty tough posting rules to make sure everyone actually stays positive and helpful. Their number 1 rule is to treat everyone with dignity and respect; anything less will get your account banned. As ground rules go, that’s definitely good place to start. The last thing you want is some guy being a real jerk when you’re sharing your deep personal relationship problems.

Some of the members even use the forums as a virtual journal, as in this thread started by a man trying to save his marriage. And here’s another in depth discussion about a man seeking help because his wife is waning to leave him. Notice the nuances of his cry for help, but also the helpful tips and advice from the forum community.

One thing we always like to see is motivated people helping others. As a perfect example, these forums were started by Chris Hartwell, who also runs the Family & Marriage Counseling Directory, a nationwide directory for finding therapists and counselors in your area. His intention was for people to have an open, welcoming forum where they could discuss their marriage or relationship problems in a friendly environment, while also staying completely anonymous if they choose. 

So check out the Marriage and Relationship forums and see what you think.

More likely than not, someone’s already had a similar issue to the one you’re having, and you can gain some insights into how they handled it. Either way, look around… And if you feel comfortable, consider making an anonymous account and asking the "Talk About Marriage" community what they would do in your situation.

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Does your partner’s behavior sometimes impact you on such a visceral level that you’re left vibrating for long periods of time?

I hate to be the bearer of news that might inflict deep psychic horror and disbelief – but you might have married one of your parents.

Did You Marry One Of Your Parents?

Okay, slowly peel yourself off of the floor now. Obviously, I don’t mean this in a literal sense – and not everyone will report this to be true.

Just consider the possibility that your partner shares some traits with one of your previous primary caregivers – the good, the bad, or both.

This is the topic of jokes to many, and there are still others who had never considered this until they found themselves on the couch at a therapist’s office, read a self-help book, or watched an episode on the subject on Oprah.

I can’t tell you how many people in my practice are filled with shock and awe by this realization.

For some, it’s a kind of funny moment – but for others, this realization can be quite upsetting, depending on what kind of experience they had with one or both of their parents.

Others struggle to wrap their brains around it at all. As light as a topic this might seem, it can be painful and stir up a lot of trouble for people in their current relationships. People can get caught up in destructive cycles that go round and round endlessly.

Why Did This Happen In The First Place?

According to Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., a co-creator of Imago Relationship Therapy and author of numerous books including, “Getting the Love You Want,” there are very good reasons why people unconsciously select partners with qualities – good and bad – of one or both of their parents.

He says, “We either overcompensate for what we didn’t get from our parents or blindly re-create the same painful situations.”

For example, are you deeply angered or hurt by your partner’s criticism? Does it cause more emotional reactivity than you would expect to have with friends, co-workers or acquaintances? Why would he/she have the power to rattle you in that way?

I believe our intimate partnerships and parental relationships are actually incredibly similar in the way we seek out “attachment” with these people. (I encourage a further look at “attachment theory” which is another very intricate subject on its own).

Parental relationships and intimate partnerships will typically be the most intense relationships we ever have – and have the ability to cause us the most pain – far more than friends, co-workers or acquaintances.

The similarity between these relationships is part of the key to understanding why we might be so emotionally triggered by things our partners do – particularly if they were also done to us when we were growing up and developing our sense of selves – and how we relate to others.

Hendrix talks about the idea of mate selection based on an unconscious pull to someone who causes us pain in a similar way to our parents – in order to “do over” the earlier wounding and make it right….

We probably don’t immediately notice the harsh side of our partners, but are swept up in all the positives – which are likely many. It’s sort of like the “honeymoon” phase where romantic love is in full swing and it’s not until we settle in do the little things start to come up and drive us up the wall.

In layman’s terms, your wife does something that reminds you (consciously or unconsciously) of a parent who might have hurt you this way, and you react like a lion on the attack.

Deep Down Your Fights Feel Uncomfortably Familiar

You might even have said, “I swear, you’re just like my mother!” It’s not only the negative traits that attract us but the positives as well.

However, it’s the “negatives” that get all the attention because of the emotional turmoil and relationship conflict it can stir up.

So, if a lot of us subconsciously pick partners who ultimately “trigger” us in some way, are we all destined to a life of occasional or frequent intense irritation, upset, or in some cases, rage?

Part of the answer is at least being aware of this phenomenon – and what your sensitivities are. Another part is talking about it openly with your partner and exploring ways you might both modify your behavior.

If communication itself is an issue in your relationship, this might be a bit more challenging.

Empathy and understanding are incredibly important when dealing with this subject matter. If an intolerable level of conflict and cyclical arguments continue then perhaps couples counseling would be helpful.

There are “Imago” therapists who have been trained specifically in this work.

I believe that by finding someone who at minimum comes from a theoretical orientation that accepts the “past impacting the present” and that parents influence how we are in relationships – you’d be off to a good start.

Consider It An Opportunity To Heal

If you think you’ve married your mother or father – don’t fret.

I believe most of us are in marriages where this comes into play for at least one partner – often both. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

On the contrary, if you come to an understanding of the forces at work, you are primed for the potential to have a very satisfying relationship.

If there are attachment wounds you suffered from a parent, you have a wonderful opportunity to heal yourself within your marriage.

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He had always been difficult to feel physically connected to.

He had always had a subtle pulling back when she would reach out to touch him, but it had gotten worse in the past few months.

She brought him into therapy fearing that they were on the brink of a divorce, if not an affair.

Why Is He Always Pulling Away?

Jeanie’s husband, Frank, was a sweet, mild mannered man with some anger issues that had been a problem in a previous marriage and were still somewhat of an issue with Jeanie.

The bigger problem was that she felt him pulling away from her touch, and she was certain this meant he didn’t love her any more. After a few sessions, it became clear what the problem really was about.

Frank was terrified of losing her to death.

He had witnessed his mother’s death at the age of four; she died mid-sentence while she was talking on the telephone on her bed in front of him. Then, at 15 he held a girl in his arms as she died from a drug overdose.

When he tapped into this in session the fear and pain he felt was palpable.

Recently he had lost his father to a lingering cancer that left his father comatose for months. The little boy inside of Frank felt that if he just didn’t allow himself close, then death could be avoided. Thus, he found himself pulling further and further away from Jeanie. The pain and shock of his early losses still dictated his emotional and intimate life.

Frank is not any different than the rest of us.

Our Behavior Is Rarely As “Rational” As We’d Like To Believe

We behave in unconscious ways that dictate how we interact with each other, what we feel and what upsets us. We go about our lives as if it were a logical, rational process and the choices and actions we take made some kind of sense.

That’s where “rationalization” comes in to play. Frank had convinced himself that Jeanie’s return to smoking cigarettes had caused him to withdraw from her. But actually, her smoking had started in response to his pulling away.

But that’s how our brains work to trick us into thinking that what we do makes sense.

Emotions make no obvious, logical sense. Emotions are always laden with the memories of times when we felt similar things at some time in the past and are linked together through a complex network of memories that links them to the earliest memories we have.

When Frank connected to his sense of pain about his father’s death it took him directly to the death of his mother, which he had experienced so traumatically, at four. And, the time of his father’s death, he went back into the emotional state of the four year old. He was no longer the 30 something man that seemed to be sitting before me, he was emotionally and mentally four.

This is what happens all the time in our conflicts with our partners.

Arguments Are Always About Something Deeper

We get angry with them for something they did or didn’t do and we think it’s all about what they did or didn’t do.

As irrational as it seems, our upset it NEVER about what they did or didn’t do! Now, it certainly triggered our upset, but our upset it not really about that.

Let me give you an example.

Sara and her husband Tom have been married for about eight years.

They have struggled with understanding each other from the beginning. Tom came from a very chaotic neglectful and physically abusive childhood, and Sara from a set of very over controlling parents who never considered her needs or wishes.

One afternoon Sara was toasting the meringue topping of a pie in the oven. As she was doing so she was taking care of something in the other room when she forgot about the meringue until she could smell it starting to brown, perhaps too much.

Sara then ran into the kitchen yelling her fear of burning it. Tom jumped up and ran to her aide. She tried to pull out the shelf without an oven mitt. Tom handed her one. She of course needed two to pull the pie out of the oven.

She yelled, “What am I supposed to do with that? I need two to get it out!” and promptly went over to get another one.

Tom became angry and yelled back at her, “I was only trying to help!”

To which she replied, “How can I possibly get it out with only one hand?”

The fight ensued and both felt justified in their position.

Later, Sara was able to say that she could see from the look on his face that he was in a time warp that put him back in the presence of his abusive father who was constantly telling him to do things that he had no idea how to do when he was under five years old.

Tearfully, Tom was able to verbalize that reality to her later, as they talked about it on the couch when they had both calmed down.

Empathy Is The Key To Understanding

In both the cases of Sara and Tom and Jeanie and Frank, their conflict and hurt feelings had nothing to do with what it looked like was going on.

On the surface, the logical rational side of things, there is no way to see the pain and upset that was hiding beneath the surface. Without taking the time to truly listen with empathy to what is happening inside the other person, neither Sara nor Jeanie would have had a clue as to what was really going on with their partner.

To get to the place of being able to provide that kind of listening for each other takes work and an ability to step out of our own skin long enough to see things from the others’ prospective. That is not always easy, often it’s downright scary.

But it’s always worth it.

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Wow! I’m so Glad I Married You!

The main thing I remember about being with my ex-husband is how angry I felt all the time.

I was always unhappy with him about something.

He didn’t care if the living room was covered with screws from the many computer parts he was constantly putting together.

He didn’t care that I was alone almost every night in a small town miles away from my family while he was working late at night. He disregarded my feelings about most things and pretty much did as he liked with no regard for me.

I had a long list of gripes, serious complaints and general dissatisfaction with him that ate me up every day. When I left him I felt such relief, just to not be carrying all that resentment any more.

Being Single for 10 Years Gave Me a New Perspective

After being single for nearly 10 years I finally met and married my current husband. And, I have to say, I did a lot of work on myself in the interim. The gripes that that I had regarding my ex-husband, I am chagrined to disclose, were mostly kept to myself.

That is, between my girlfriends and myself, they all knew; my husband didn’t.

So now, going into this marriage I was determined to speak my truths and not pretend that everything was okay when I was deeply or even shallowly perturbed with him. Needless to say my first year of marriage was tough.

After years of not speaking my truths I began to realize that my truths were not THE truth. The fact that there were other ways of looking at things, and other perspectives was a shock to me, in spite of my training and knowledge.

This left me with a new way to look at my life, and what was happening in my marriage. Maybe there were other ways to look at what was happening, and had happened in my previous marriages (yes, marriages, plural).

You see the funny thing is that both my most recent ex-husband and my current one are in the same line of work. They even share the same name, and initials, first, middle and last. Both are hardheaded and extremely bright. Both work very hard and care a lot about their family.

Yet the quality of my relationship with my current husband is light years from my previous one.

Honestly, while some of this has to do with their differences (they are not exactly alike, even with all the similarities) – I really don’t believe that explains it fully.

The Gift of Gratitude

The difference that counts is that I am different. I am so very different in many ways, but the one that hit me tonight is that I am now able to be grateful for my husband.

Understand, my husband is not perfect. He has, like all spouses, his quirks and…

He has, like all spouses, his quirks and neurotic tendencies.

He has things about him that I am not all that fond of and he will, on occasion, royally piss me off. And there are times when he gets downright negative and bitter.

But, those things are not what I focus on. Today I realized that for the past 8 years of our marriage I have been blissfully happy, over all. I also realized that when I think about him, I don’t think about the things that piss me off or frustrate me.

I think about the things I am so grateful for about him.

Our thoughts are powerful things. I know many of us have heard the idea that “Thoughts are Things.” But I am here to testify to you that you can indeed change the quality of your relationship by how you think about what is happening.

Negative Traits Do Not Destroy a Marriage

When my husband was trying to develop a company that never made a dime and cost us what remained of our life savings (after the stock market crash), I didn’t nag him and focus on how bad things were. Instead I continued to focus on how grateful I was for him and all the things he brings to my life.

When he would pout and fume at me when I would return from trips to various activities, I didn’t push back and become bitter and angry with him. I focused on how glad I was to have him to come home to, even if he was temporarily unhappy with me.

When he got depressed after months of looking for work and not finding it, I didn’t focus on his bitterness. I just continued to focus on how grateful I was to have him.

The things he does for me are huge.

He holds me in the mornings before he gets up. He makes sure the pool is clean and the lawn is mowed. He feeds the dog and initiates doing the laundry on Saturday. He fixes anything I have that needs to be fixed. He helps me with projects I am working on and encourages me in the things I want to do.

He cares if I am unhappy and holds me when I cry.

Happiness Has No Price

Any of those things are worth the price I pay to be married to him. Having him be there to be a partner in my life is a gift that I cannot possibly express the value of in one sitting.

And, he doesn’t have to do any of the above all the time. In fact, he doesn’t. He doesn’t do them “perfectly” or always in the ways I would want him to do. But that is insignificant.

The funny thing is that I realized the full value of my gratitude for him on this Thanksgiving. This year he will make more money than both of us put together have ever made. We are closer than we have ever been and he is excited about the things he is doing and where his life is going. So am I.

I continue to be overwhelmingly grateful for him.

Focus On What You Do Have!

I am not telling you this for you to hear what a great husband I have. I am telling you this for you to stop focusing on what you DON’T have and start focusing on what you DO have.

Start being grateful for the fact that you have someone in your life that says they love you. Be grateful for the fact of this person. Be grateful for the fun times, the sad times, the stressful times because you have someone on the ath with you.

Be grateful every time they hold you, kiss you, do some small thing for you. Be aware that each thing they do for and with you is a gift that is priceless.

My husband has no idea that my gratitude is so great. He doesn’t really need to know that I am constantly in a prayer of sorts about how thankful I am that he is in my life.

Yet he does know, somehow, that he is appreciated. His knowing that he is appreciated makes him want to do and be more. It, unconsciously, pushes him to want to be what I need him to be. It gives him a sense that he matters and increases his sense of self worth. He feels happier.

A happier mate means a happier partnership. Thus, giving me even more to be grateful for every day.

Try it, you’ll be amazed!

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We think to ourselves – “If she would only do what we want her to do,” or “If he would only do what I need him to do,” then life would be better. In some ways, these things might be true.

How we go about getting what we want often turns into attempts to get power and control over our partners. This, of course, happens when we ourselves feel powerless.

When we feel powerless we feel overwhelmed, out of control and helpless. It’s unbearable. So, we try desperately to regain a sense of control.

Common Ways of Gaining Power Over Our Partners

Physical/Emotional Intimidation

Some of us do it by puffing ourselves up as big as possible, yelling, screaming, intimidating with our full force. (If we are physically large it’s easier to pull this one off).

We can do it by throwing out intimidating words if we are smart or college educated (women have an advantage here, having more command, generally speaking, over language than men).

Subtle Manipulation

If we are charming we can do it with our manipulative pleasing behaviors, charming our partner into doing what we want them to do.

Abandonment

Oh, another great one is to threaten to abandon our partner. If our partner is really attached to us, this can be very effective.

Withholding Information

My personal favorite is to withhold information. Yes, this is a power play. I know it doesn’t seem like it on the surface, but it is a very controlling behavior.

What we are doing when we withhold information is that we are controlling our partners’ reactions to what we are doing by not telling them. If they don’t know about it, they can’t get mad at us.

All of these are very effective if what you want is a partner who is controlled by you, intimidated by you, and kept at a distance.

But, if what you want is an intimate connection where you and your partner are truly partners, you have to find a different way to not feel powerless, helpless and despairing.

Focus on Gaining Control of Yourself Instead

Most of the time when clients come into my office they are both trying to get control of their partner. It’s the only way they know how to get their needs met. The good news is that there is a better way.

When we stop the controlling behaviors it can feel scary, because it feels like our only other option is to stay in the out-of-control state. Fortunately, it’s not the only option.

Learning the skills of navigating an interpersonal relationship that is deeper than one based on power and control is an ongoing effort. We have to learn how to stay in the fear. We have to learn that feeling out of control is not going to kill us or make us crazy.

To simplify the process for you I am going to give you the following steps as a starting point:

5 Easy Steps to Help You Cope with Your Fears

Step 1: When you feel out of control and powerless, stop and breathe before you react.

Step 2: Look at your partner and remember that you love them and wouldn’t want them to feel trapped and controlled.

Step 3: If there is something that they said or did that triggered an emotion on your part, reflect back to them what you heard them telling you through their words or behavior.

Ask if you got that right. Then let them know that what they are saying makes sense (coming from their perspective…not that they are “right”).

Step 4: Find something in what they said that you can relate to (Have you ever felt that way?)

Step 5: Let your partner know what you are feeling, don’t try to “save face.” If you feel ashamed, fearful, angry, hurt…whatever it is, tell them! You may think they should know, but trust me; they can’t read your mind. Don’t be afraid to let your partner see you cry (this goes for you guys, too).

If either one of you gets triggered into controlling behaviors, ask for a time out. Come back to the topic later when you are not so upset.

Love is not simply a feeling. It’s an action. Taking the time to connect in this way will give your relationship life. It may mean more intense interactions, but at least it’s not dead.

One sweet, intelligent couple I worked with has been together for 20 years. They have spent most of that 20 years controlling each other’s reactions by not telling each other what they really think, what they really do, and how they really feel.

They came into therapy because their relationship had lost its luster. They had become so distant and lifeless that they had not had sexual intercourse in a year!

Connecting through sharing of real feelings allows for the spark to be reignited between you.

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He leaves his things on the floor and then gripes about the house being a mess.  He doesn’t seem to get it that I want him to listen to my feelings. He is so distant and in his head all the time. Why doesn’t he act like he cares about me?

That woman! She always acts like she knows the best way to do everything, and she is never listens to what I have to say and get irritated with me over the most stupid things. Why doesn’t she pay more attention to the important things? I hate it when she makes such a mess with her stuff in the bathroom and leaves those bottles everywhere.

Nagging At and About Our Mates is Almost a Way of Life

We build up a case against the person that we love the most and then wonder why they are unhappy with us.  When couples come in for therapy they inevitably have a long list of complaints about their spouse. They have been unhappy with their spouse for years for one reason or another. They don’t like this. They don’t like that.  By the time the come into see me they are convinced that their partner has been doing everything wrong and what they really want (though they won’t always admit this) is for me to tell their partner what is wrong with them and to help them fix their partners problems.

It is a rare event to have someone come in for therapy who understands that they, as a couple, have a problem and that it’s not one or the other’s fault.

The first few sessions are generally spent with both partners laying out their case against their partner and looking to me for validation. Then I begin explaining to them that they are each responsible for what has become a laundry list.  Rather than spending all of their resources and energy pointing out each other’s flaws, they need to focus instead on what the other is doing right.  I don’t know what it is about our culture that makes us focus on the problems rather than the blessings in our lives, but we do.

Is Your Partner Really That Terrible

Letting ourselves focus on the blessings our mates bring to us helps us to encourage the very traits we most want to build upon.  We want our partners to listen to us, to support us, to care about what we care about. We want them to show us they love us through the things they say and do.  How do we get that when our partners seem so far from being able to provide it?  We start with “catching them being good”.  We notice aloud the things they do that we appreciate and value. We refrain from nagging about the things we don’t like and we praise and celebrate the things that we appreciate about our partners.  The more we share our positive feelings with them about what we like, the more likely it is those behaviors will be repeated.  They will feel loved and appreciated and we get what we want.

Why is that so hard for us?

For one… We often don’t believe that we deserve the things we really want so we don’t do the things that will give us what we want.  Then we blame our partners for not providing it, even though we have not done our part in providing an environment conducive to their being loving!

When we protest, “Why of course I want my partner to be more loving!” Yet we refuse to do the very things that will create the space for them to give us what we want.  We demand, we nag, we criticize and we berate.  We try to make them be what we want.

NEWS FLASH: You can’t make your partner do anything!

Help Your Partner Help You

Instead, create an environment that invites them to be what you want them to be.  If you want your partner to be more loving, be more loving to them and verbally appreciate the things they do that make you feel good. Notice the things they do that are attempts to be loving, even if it’s not exactly what you wanted.

My husband hates it when I leave town.  He is unhappy and for years he acted angry and distant when I was getting ready to leave town.  Yet, he always, without fail, checked my auto fluids and tires before I got on the road.  I saw this as a supremely loving act, in spite of his decidedly unloving angry behaviors.  I let him know how much I appreciated his doing this for me and hugged him. I verbalized it to my friends when they were around to let him know that I was proud of his being so loving toward me.  Now, while he still hates it when I leave town, he is never angry and distant.

Loving behaviors come in all sorts of forms, and we don’t always have the same idea of what it is to be loving.  When we can notice what our partner is doing in an attempt to show us their love, even if it’s not in the form we want, we can encourage the loving behavior and then ask for what it is we do want.

Stop Criticizing and Start Praising

Criticizing focus’s on the negative behavior and leaves the other person feeling unappreciated and devalued.  Praise creates an environment of joy and a desire to please.  When we tell our partners, “I loved it when you did the laundry for me.  It makes me feel so cared for to have someone in my life help me with those kinds of details” it creates a bond of appreciation.

I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t tell our partners about the things they have done that displease us, I am just saying that the messages should, on balance be more positive than negative.  Letting our partners know what pleases us is positive feedback that creates more of what we want.  Negative feedback (criticism), when it is more frequent than positive feedback (praise) creates the very things we don’t want. It creates an unhappy partner who feels unappreciated and undervalued.

Share the joy with the people around you who know you and you grow the impact of the praise exponentially.  Let your partner hear you bragging on them to your friends. Tell your partner how your friends reacted to things that you tell them about your fantastic partner.  I guarantee you will get more of what you want through praise and “super praise” (bragging in front of others) than you will ever get through criticism.

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We have cell phones, Internet, microwaves and electric cars.

We have more information than we can possibly absorb about everything from digging holes to brain surgery.

But we often still think in 15^thCentury terms when it comes to romance…

Fairy Tale Romance – The White Knight and the Damsel in Distress

One young couple I worked with had been madly in love. They met when she was 20 and he was 30. Gary was an established salesman making six figures and Lisa was a social worker, working nights in a coffee shop to make ends meet. When he walked in she said to her co-worker, “There’s the man I’m going to marry.”

Lisa says she said it jokingly, but this is what she had been hoping for: a strapping 6’3’ elegant man with a quick smile and loose with his money. She wrangled a meeting with him and they were quickly swept into a whirlwind romance. She moved into Gary’s 3,000 square foot home and quit her night job. He bought her flowers, jewelry, spa treatments and other thoughtful gifts. Lisa was enraptured with him, and he with her.

Gary admired what Lisa did and wanted to take her away from the stress of living on little money while doing good works. When they married the congregation was in tears, they had never seen a couple so in love.

When the Fairy Tale Turn Into a Nightmare

But less than a year after they married the relationship was in ruins. Lisa had an affair and Gary discovered her indiscretion. Furious, Gary insisted she go to therapy and work things out. Lisa was so depressed by the failure of their marriage and the depth of his rage that she was afraid to break off with the man she had been seeing and couldn’t agree to stop seeing him. Gary’s was bitter and angry. He filed for divorce and started seeing other women. He still went out with Lisa and they occasionally talked of working things out.

Lisa became distraught when he filed for divorce and dropped the relationship with the man she had been seeing. She begged Gary to take her back.

Gary continued to see other women, but after the divorce was final, he was ready to consider reconciliation. They came into therapy hurt, angry and confused. She thought he was mean and irresponsible with money. He thought she was a liar and disrespectful to him.

What Went Wrong…

After setting some ground rules for how they should manage their relationship while they were in therapy, I began asking them about how their relationship had begun.

They both admitted to being completely in love very fast, too fast, really. Lisa talked about how he had bought her things and spent money on her and how she saw him as her “White knight”. Gary talked about how he had not been looking for a relationship when they met, but they had just clicked. He said he wanted someone to take care of and saw that she was someone who, because of her work, was worthy of his care taking.

They then realized that most of their resentment and the distrust that had begun shortly after they married had started with this White Knight/Damsel in Distress relationship.

I completely related with her. I remembered that when I married my second husband I had secretly hoped he would rescue me. I was, on the surface a very independent woman. I had graduated from college with little family assistance, was taking care of my little girl on my own, with little support from my ex-husband or family. But the bottom line is that I had been struggling for so long I secretly hoped for someone to take me away from all my struggle.

Lisa was no different. She was independent in that she had a career and place of her own, but money was tight and she couldn’t afford those extra things that make a woman feel good about herself: jewelry, nice clothes, acrylic nails, spa days, and a beautiful home.

Gary had been raised with money and was being groomed to take over his family business. Money had never been difficult for him and he had never denied himself anything. But it seemed meaningless in away, until he had someone worthwhile to spend it on. Of course, this did not mean he was willing to deny himself his toys and indulgences.

Lisa soon realized that after they married his wanton ways with money were not as attractive a trait in a husband as they had been as a beau.

His lack of real respect for her became evident as he failed to pay any attention to the things she asked of him in regard to managing “his” money.

It didn’t take long for the marriage to spiral out of control at that point.

How To Avoid the Nightmare and Keep Your Happy Ending

When we marry to have someone to “take care of” we are not respecting that person. We don’t see them as capable of really taking care of themselves, we see them as less than complete and we expect them to appreciate what we do for them and not require more from us than the things that we are already so generously bestowing upon them.

When we marry to have someone “take care of us” we are not fully appreciating our own abilities and we expect them to be able to “make us happy”. Then we are full of furry when they do not fulfill our expectation of them.

This is an extremely common set up in our society. Many movies and novels feed into our cultural dream of the White Knight/ Damsel in Distress storyline. But the fairytale does not end as it does in the movies with us living “happily ever after.”

This is not because one of us is wrong or bad for having had the dream. After all; it’s what we are taught from birth!

But the White Knight is a shallow human being. He doesn’t have a full spectrum of emotions, dreams, flaws and vulnerabilities. He is not capable of intimacy, because he is not even aware of what is inside of himself.

The Damsel in Distress is equally limited. She is only allowed to be needy and receptive. Having an opinion and needs that go beyond the expectations of the White Knight destroys any hope “happily ever after.”

In order to create the “happily ever after” we have to be willing to be fully human and to allow our partner to be fully human. That means recognizing for ourselves that we are both wonderful and flawed, as is our partner. We have to be willing to negotiate our needs with respect and empathy as we own responsibility for our own happiness and don’t expect our significant other to provide that for us.

Lisa and Gary are lucky.They came to see me before their loved died.They were open to understanding how they had gone so far astray and willing to set aside the need for blame in order to get to that understanding.

They have a hope of a “happily ever after” yet. Do you?

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He felt to blame for what had happened and was clearly confused and ashamed that he had behaved this way toward the woman he loves. And worst of all, he had done it in front of his children.

He went on to tell of how he had completely lost his cool with his new wife and attempted to strangle her. She had called the police and now he is facing charges for domestic battery.

Understanding Domestic Violence

Most of us hear this story and feel aghast that someone could behave this way.  How could someone react so violently toward someone they love?

A while back I remember seeing Oprah struggle to fathom how a wife batterer could take a frying pan to his wife’s head.  She was understandably horrified at such a behavior.  Most of us are.  But what if we could understand it?

As I talked to Jim I listened to his story.  He told of being verbally battered by his wife for everything from house cleaning to not having enough education to suit her.  She couldn’t accept his not having a college degree and she couldn’t accept his relationship with his son.  The night of the strangling event, she had squeezed his family jewels with her fingernails digging into his skin.  Because he reacted in a self-defense measure to her intimate violence, he was arrested and will, no doubt have a record that follows him for the rest of his life.

When we feel that we are being attacked we will respond with whatever self-defensive measure we have at our disposal.  When our communication skills are limited, as they are for many men, the only resource we have is to resort to some kind of self-protective measure.  Now, he could and should have just left the scene.  But honestly, how many of us can think that clearly when we are under attack?

Fight, Flight, or Freeze

Our brains are wired to respond to threat in certain ways.  We have all heard of the “fight, flight, freeze” pattern because it is true of all mammals (yes, we humans are mammals).  Our primitive brains are wired for our survival and chemicals are released in our brains that tell us to respond in a automatic pre-programmed ways when faced with threat.

Not all threat as is obvious as what occurred to Jim.  Sometimes it’s “merely” verbal attacks.  Funny, I heard a heavy metal song yesterday “You hurt me with your mouth”.  How many times have we seen the public service commercial spot about words hurting as much as a fist?

Yet we expect men to react to the violence of language calmly and without anger.  I am not justifying violence.  What I am saying is that verbal violence is just as damaging to our loved ones as physical violence.

We forget that in the middle of a fight, don’t we?  We are so bent on our own need for a sense of power and control that we will say and do almost anything to regain control.  We have to feel on top, we have to feel that we are “winning” the argument.

Then we get angry and tell our friends how mistreated we are when our partners respond with angry, hurtful words or actions.  We can always justify our own behaviors but rarely look at our partners’ reactions with empathy.

Understanding Our Partner’s Reactions

What if we understood that our partner is fighting for their life (or sense of well being) with the same intensity that we are in the midst of a conflict? What if we stepped aside our own defenses just long enough to see the pain the other person feels when they are behaving badly? How would that change how we interpret their behavior?

On the day of the Oprah show when she was listening to the men talk about their violent behavior, I saw her suddenly “get it”.   She heard the pain in the man’s voice as he spoke of how desperate he was to get relief from the pain he was in at the moment he hit his wife over the head with a frying pan.  At that moment it was the only tool he had to stop the pain.  She related to it as she knew that for her, food was the only thing that, at times, could stop her pain.  She began to have empathy for the unthinkable behavior of hitting your wife over the head with a frying pan.

When we can take the risk of checking out how our partner is feeling in the midst of a fight, we might just find that we can understand their “crazy” behavior. If we stop and view what they are doing as an attempt to survive what, to them, feels like a threat, then we can perhaps begin to have empathy for them.  We can then stop whatever it is we are doing to cause them to feel afraid.

Sometimes it’s a simple thing that we don’t realize is happening.  Sometimes, it’s as simple as they are afraid that our behavior means we don’t love them.  Maybe we forgot to call when we said we would and they go off on us in a rage.  We feel attacked and their behavior seems irrational.  But what if we could recognize that, perhaps they are afraid that our not calling means that we don’t love them?  Wouldn’t that change how we respond?

Threat takes many forms and it isn’t always obvious.  But if someone is behaving in a defensive, irrational manner, you can rest assured they feel afraid and hurt.  Responding empathetically to their hurt can transform our relationship with them, in the moment, and forever.

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People who come in for counseling are clearly looking to change something they see problematic in their partnership. The problems range from the relatively benign tweaks in communication to serious pain and trust violations due to infidelity and all sorts of issues in between.

Filtering through all of this, I’ve identified ten characteristics of successful relationships. These qualities are integral parts of a healthy relationship foundation and I believe increase the chances of weathering the storms that life inevitably dishes out.

The Top 10 Characteristics of Successful Relationships

The ten characteristics are as follows and are in no particular order:

1. Friendship

Couples who have a strong friendship have staying power. They not only love each other but genuinely like each other as people. They enjoy hanging out together. They might even consider each other their “best friend.”

2. Humor

Partners who can make each other laugh tend to be good at de-escalating conflicts when they do arise. It’s the great mood lightener. I’ve noticed the use of funny nicknames can be an indicator of great fondness for one another. The names often stem from a “you had to be there” moment from the beginning of their relationship.

3. Communication

As obvious as this may seem, many couples are not very good at it. Those who are able to openly express their feelings in an emotionally safe environment typically deal with situations as they come up and avoid burying frustrations which always have a way of coming out at some point.

4. Chore Sharing

Those who divvy up the household or parenting responsibilities in a way that is mutually agreed upon way are less likely to hold resentments about what they perceive as “unfair.” Each participates (albeit maybe begrudgingly) and both contribute to the relationship in this way.

5. Sexual Intimacy

Couples who have their sexual needs met… or at least have negotiated a reasonable compromise if their levels of need aren’t compatible, feel taken care of by the other. Some are highly active, engaging in lovemaking multiple times a week and others are content with far less. There is no “right” or “wrong” amount. However, often times a negotiation is needed to make sure no one feels neglected by the other.

6. Affection

Partners who stay in physical contact in some way throughout the day have appeared to be the happiest ones. These moments don’t need to necessarily lead to sexual intimacy but are rather easy ways to say, “I love you,” without the words. These moments can be invaluable, especially these days when everyone seems to be racing around to get “somewhere.” Whether it’s a hug, kiss, swat on the rear, tussle of the hair or a sit on the lap, these acts of affection keep couples connected when life gets crazy.

7. No “Horsemen of the Apocalypse:”

This is a term coined by a famous couples researcher named John Gottman (www.gottman.com) who claims to be able to predict divorce with incredible accuracy. His “four horsemen of the apocalypse” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. His research has shown that couples who demonstrate a high level of these in their relationships are in big trouble.

8. Mutual and Separate Friends

Partners who socialize with other couples and also maintain separate friendships have greater balance in regards to honoring themselves as individuals, within the relationship. This leads to more self satisfaction which translates to relationship satisfaction.

9. Reliability

Most of us want follow-through with our friendships and our partners. If couples do what they say and say what they do, they create an atmosphere of comfort in knowing their words mean something to the other.

10. Relationship Vision

It’s interesting the number of couples I’ve seen who don’t seem to have the big picture of their relationship in mind. Where do they see themselves in ten years? What are their relationship goals? Couples who have created a relationship vision for themselves know where they’re going as they’ve planned it together. They get joy out of reaching for their goals as a team and are less likely to be derailed by surprises down the line.

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It’s easy to feel in love and happy with your partner during times of success and relative calm.  But times like that don’t come along all that often.

My husband and I figure we have had one year that was relatively free of stress. Fortunately it was the second year of our marriage. We had weathered the normal “sturm and drang” of the first year and had established a warm, trusting connection between us. We had one year to enjoy that state of marital bliss before life came along to stir things up.

Change is Inevitable

The old saying goes there are two things certain in life, “taxes and death”.  I would go on to add a third, change.  Change happens continually and most of the time unpredictably.  Humans don’t really like change, for the most part. We would prefer to have our routines and daily lives remain stable and secure so that we can know what to expect.  Unfortunately, this is not true to life.  Life has a way of shaking things up, sometimes at the worst possible times.

Marriages, if they are to last, have to change as well.  They have to adapt to the flow of change in life and become more than they originally were, if they are to succeed. Most of us don’t handle it that well and the result is the amazingly high rate of divorce.  The popular belief is that we are “serial monogamists” and that it’s normal to be divorced in the 22nd Century.  But if you are like me and ever experienced a divorce,  you know there is nothing “normal” about it and it causes damage to anyone touched by it, whether you have kids or not.

So how are we to surf successfully through the storms of life and remain connected as a couple?

I am sure there are books on that particular topic, though I have to admit to never having read one.  There are lots of books on communication and deepening intimacy, but I don’t think I’ve seen any that directly address the topic of managing stressful times together as a couple.  It’s easy to feel connected to another person when things are going well, its something else altogether to stay connected when things are not going well.

Human Nature is to Find Someone to Blame for Our Unhappiness

This is because knowing who is to blame helps us solve the problem.  If we know where the problem is we can do whatever it needs to be done to fix it.  But, in the case of marriage, that often looks like divorce.  We figure, we are unhappy, so it must because of my partner.  “Just look at (him/her) (he/she) is so (fat, addicted, mean, selfish, whatever) and obviously doesn’t care about (him/her) self or me. How can I be happy with a partner like that?”

Ah, we have solved the problem!

Now we know what to do, we can get a divorce and it will be all better.

I can honestly tell you that two divorces did not make the difference in my happiness. My happiness or unhappiness resides inside of me! This need to find blame is so difficult to overcome that it can easily convince us that the one we love is responsible for our feelings of unhappiness.  We so desperately want to find an answer that we will abandon our beloved when we think they are the cause of our despair.

Stress and Change are a Normal Part of Life

The stressful and difficult things that happen throughout our lives are a normal part of life.  Learning to weather it without blaming someone for our difficulties is a challenge.  But getting to an understanding of how we project the cause of our unhappiness onto our spouse can actually help you find happiness within yourself.

If you are looking for the cause of a stink in your kitchen and your focus is on the rotten wood under the sink, but the source of it is the garbage, replacing the wood won’t fix your problem.  You have to figure out where your garbage is and clean it out.

Releasing your partner from the stress of your blame can do wonders for your relationship just by itself.

When you are under stress from the normal things that happen in life: lost jobs, job insecurity, financial problems, children who are having problems, legal problems, deaths, caring for an elderly parent – whatever  – it will cause stress on your marriage. You will want to blame your unhappiness on your spouse. “Why won’t he get a better job?” “Can’t she figure out somewhere else for her parent to live?” “She’s the reason the boy is having such a hard time, she wasn’t hard enough on him.” “If he just didn’t spend so much.”

You see? All of the above are reasonable explanations for stressful situations, but they don’t really solve the problem.  Blame never does.  It seems like it will, but all it does is creates problems of it’s own.

Your Unhappiness Resides in You

The next time you want to blame your spouse for your unhappiness, remember that your unhappiness resides in you.  It’s your job to change how you feel, not your spouses! If you are unhappy, choose to talk to your spouse about it. If you can do it without blaming him/her, they will share their concern and help you try to figure out what you need to do to make things different.  But if you, even subtly convey that you think your unhappiness is because of them, what you will get instead is anger, resentment and arguing.  Partners will naturally feel defensive and try to protect themselves against attack.

It is natural to respond to blame with anger. People so often get upset when someone suddenly lashes out in anger, in what appears to be an unprovoked attack, when what happened was that the person lashing out felt subtly blamed.  When your partner startles you with what feels like an unprovoked angry response, notice whether or not something you just said may have led them to believe you were blaming them for something.  Chances are you were subtly blaming them, or at least, they thought you were.  When people are going through stressful times, they are even more sensitive to the possibility that they are being blamed.

Let go of Blame and Anger

Stressful times are a time to pull together, to look for solutions and give each other a sense of support. Yet it’s very hard to accomplish, even in the best of marriages.  Knowing that the stress itself will cause you to look to your partner for blame can help you let it go.  It’s the stress causing the sense of blame, not the blamed one causing the stress. Learning to notice how you use blame subtly can ease the strain of stressful times. Lean on each other; don’t push each other away by blaming the other for your unhappiness. Your partner can be your best resource.

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On the other hand, we could enter therapy because we are unhappy with our marriage and we can’t get ourselves to leave or figure out how to change it.

When we go into therapy for any reason, and we are married, the odds of ending up divorced actually increase. I suspect this is because when we enter therapy we are looking at things solely from our own perspective. We go into therapy hoping to get a different perspective, but often what happens is that we get support in our perspective.  Most therapists are kind, care giving types of people who have gone into the profession in hopes of helping people.  So when you enter their office they give you support and encouragement, they help you feel better about yourself and your position.  If you have a partner and you are unhappy with them, the therapist encourages you to stand up for yourself and assert your needs.

The downside of their doing this is that while it may make you feel better in the short run, it runs the risk of destroying your marriage in the long run. This is because what has happened is that you have gotten help in making you stronger, at the cost of the connection between you and your partner.

In supervision early in my career I remember my supervisor saying that once a person brings their spouse into therapy you become the marriage’s counselor and not the individual’s counselor.  This made sense to me at the time.

Since then I have come to realize that when someone comes to me their relationships are as much a part of the therapy as they.  This means that I do not take positions against the other parties.  I support the person in discovering more about themselves and exploring how their current relationships are impacted by their past experiences. I do not make judgments about my client needing to end their relationships just because my client is unhappy in the situation.

One of my past supervisors habitually demanded that her clients cut off connections with their families.  Now, at the time this made sense to me since some of those family connections were with parents that continued to be abusive.  And, sometimes, this it can be important to take time-outs in these situations until the clients are strong enough to protect themselves.  But most of the time what my clients need is to be able to develop a different kind of relationship with these important people in their lives by developing compassion for both themselves, and for their parents.

To do this the therapist has to themselves be… coming from a place of recognizing that there are no “ bad guys”; only people who are “doing the best they can” given their circumstances.  We do a great injustice to our clients and to the families of our clients when we take the position of naming someone as the “bad guy” and someone else as the “victim.” Yet often this is exactly what takes place in therapy.

How can we stay married to someone who we think of as our enemy, as  “the bad guy”? The difficult thing is figuring out that this is happening. When we are in therapy and we are being supported in our position and our partner is behaving badly, it is easy to think that we are indeed “the victim”.  Maybe we even are actually “the victim” of their bad behavior.  But to remain there without making the effort to embrace the humanity of the other person is doing them and ourselves a terrible disservice.

If you are in therapy and have found yourself thinking of divorce, please pay attention.  Are you finding yourself thinking a lot about how your partner is treating you badly and that you “don’t deserve it”?  Are you keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself, or just sharing them with your therapist or your friends and not your partner?  Has the trust between you and your partner disintegrated since entering therapy?

Have you brought your partner into therapy only to have them storm out? This tends to happen when our therapist has taken on the position of “the rescuer” and is now ganging up with you on your partner.  The result then is that your partner feels defensive and angry in the therapy session because they know that you have been talking about them and are unhappy with them.

Often this happens to husbands. Then men get the bad rap of not wanting to participate in therapy.  Who would want to go into a situation in which they know that they are going to be criticized? That’s what these brave guys do when they attend even one session. When they get overwhelmed and storm out then we label them as uncooperative.

The bottom line is this: when you go into therapy, take your partner. It will bring you closer together if from the beginning you work on your issues with them present. It will allow your partner to learn how to respond to your emotional needs by watching the therapist. It will allow you both to discover things about yourselves that you did not know. It will bring you closer, and it may also save your marriage.

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What do I mean by this?

When two people come together there are now three parts to this system; “you,” “me,” and “we.” Imagine if you draw two overlapping circles. There are three parts – the individual pieces on the sides and the overlapping piece in the middle. The outer parts represent each person and the middle is where they join in relationship. Every relationship will look slightly different on paper in where the emphasis is.

On one end of the continuum will be the couple where each person essentially lives a separate life with different friends, few mutual decisions and little time spent together. I once had a couple who literally never sat down to eat with one another and had separate bedrooms. On paper, this couple would be drawn as two separate circles next to each other with no overlap. Essentially, they are extremely “you” and “me” focused with no “we.” In this scenario, one partner often desires more togetherness with the other but their mate possibly fears intimacy and a perceived loss of their independence.

On the other side, there’s the couple who spends as much time as humanly possible together, with no outside friendships or interests. They are totally enmeshed in one another. They live “as one.” The circles would be almost totally overlapping each other, with most of the focus on “we” and very little, if any “you” and “me.” Sometimes, this can be the dynamic in a controlling relationship where one person pulls the other one in very close to maintain control.

The previous examples are extreme and the reality is that most people fall somewhere in the middle. It’s important to mention that these balance styles may work for some people and if it does, that’s wonderful.

However, in my experience, I find that the most content couples are those whose circles overlap in the middle, where there is equal attention paid to “you,” “me” and “we.” Each partner is able to maintain their own identity, friends, hobbies and outside interests while nurturing the relationship. A personally fulfilled person can be more open, giving and loving to their partner than one who has lost their identity. The relationship is where they come together to share their friendship, intimacy, struggles, mutual friends, hopes dreams, meals and bills.

When I work with couples, I always assess their relationship balance and whether it’s working for them both. If it’s not, it first must be understood why they operate that way. There are many reasons that motivate people towards the various styles including family of origin experience (what did their parents do?), fear of engulfment or the opposite, fear of abandonment. The next step is figuring out what they can do differently to create more balance. Often it involves increased awareness, better communication and behavioral change. Ideally, the end result is the two overlapping circles that validate all three parts – the “you,” the “me” and the “we.”

Lisa Brookes Kift is a Marriage & Family Therapist Registered Intern practicing in San Diego, California. She does individual, couples and premarital counseling. For more information see her website at www.lisakifttherapy.com.

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Their relationships lack in varying degrees of “emotional safety.” Typically, the couples who present as the most hostile, distant, angry, disengaged or otherwise dysfunctional are the least emotionally safe together. Even people who come for counseling who have less glaring issues can benefit from a tune-up in this area.

So what is “emotional safety” in a relationship?

I define this as the level of comfort both people feel with each other. There are six aspects in which to assess the emotional safety in a relationship. They are respect, feeling heard, understanding, validation, empathy and love. How can one assess their own relationship based on this paradigm? When working with couples, I often ask each partner to rate, from zero to ten, (zero being “never” and ten being “all the time”) how much they feel each of the six mentioned aspects of emotional safety from their partner. I chart it out with each person’s name written on the top of a piece of paper with a column under each. Then on the left side I list the six aspects with rows next to them.

1. Respect: How much do each of them feel respected by their partner? People who report low levels of respect often experience criticism or judgment from the other.
2. Feeling Heard: How much does their partner listen to them? Those who don’t feel heard complain of being ignored, tuned out or talked over by the other.
3. Understood: How much do each of them feel understood by their partner? People with low levels of understanding from the other report frustration around their partner not getting them or twisting their words into an entirely different meaning.
4. Validation: How much do they each feel validated by each other? Low levels of validation are problematic to any relationship in that one or both don’t feel that their partner gets what they’re saying. Its one step beyond understanding and it doesn’t require the partner to necessarily agree with them.
5. Empathy: How much do they each feel the other can be empathetic with them? A low number on this is the most toxic of the six aspects in that a lack of empathy in a relationship means a lack of attunement to the others emotions. The partner experiencing a lack of empathy can experience a great deal of sadness or anger. “You don’t care how I feel.”
6. Love: How much do they feel loved by each other? This encapsulates and reflects the state of the previous five. Couples who report low levels of feeling loved by the other typically have low numbers in the other aspects.

Doing this type of charting makes it easy to compare and contrast how each person feels in the relationship. This tool is very helpful to anyone wanting to assess their own level of emotional safety. Be aware that it might bring up a lot for both partners. If the topic proves to cause too much emotional reactivity then a trained therapist can help flesh out the results and provide a road map to make changes. In my work, I find that it often involves altering communication styles, behavior modification and exploration of both partner’s families of origin. The greatest evidence of change in the relationship are these numbers going up – and they can!

Lisa Brookes Kift, M.A., is a Marriage & Family Therapist Registered Intern in San Diego, California. She helps individuals and couples work through a variety of issues. To learn more about her and her services go to www.LisaKiftTherapy.com.

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Our brains are hard wired to respond to perceived threat in ways that will preserve our ability to survive.  These automatic reactions are called “Survival mechanisms”.  Our brain fires off chemicals that provoke us into feelings of fear for our survival.  Then we have biologically programmed ways to react to fear that aid us in surviving whatever it is that is threatening our survival.  You don’t really have a choice about what you are feeling when you perceive yourself to be in a threatening situation.  Your brain takes over.  Our brains are very powerful in affecting how we feel and how we respond.

You see our brains have been programmed through biology and culture to respond in ways that will insure our survival in primitive situations. Your brain doesn’t really get it that if you perceive your job is being threatened you will not die.  It really feels like you will.  Your brain doesn’t know that if your husband/wife/partner is angry with you and you think they might leave you that you won’t die.  Your brain doesn’t know that when a friend calls your character into question, that you won’t die.  Your brain doesn’t discriminate between actual threat for your survival and emotional threat.

Our brains are divided into sections.  As we evolved as a species we went from depending on simple functions to the very complex brain that we now have as human beings. Our reptilian ancestors brains comprised of three cleanly defined sections: the front part allows for smell, the middle for vision, and the rear allows us balance and coordination. And those basic survival instincts were cordoned off in a space between the smell and vision sections, a kind of command post with the scientific name of “diencephalon”.  This part of the brain holds our drives for food, our  “fight-or-flight” aggression reactions, and of course, sex.

Our brains further evolved into what is known as the “mammalian” brain when our left and right cerebral hemispheres developed.  More and more circuits had to be added to process the more complex functions of the life and culture of our mammalian ancestors and our brains grew in size.  But we still rely on that command post to assist us in our primary need: survival. This relic of the past fights our evolved brains more flexible reactions and tends to take over when we perceive that we need them.

This very powerful tiny walnut sized part of our brain, set inside our brain stem, is called our “hypothalamus”. It injects our system with electrical stimulus evoking anger, anxiety and acute fear.  Most of the time, we are able to maintain mastery over this part of our brain. But now and again our animal senses tell us that our survival or our well-being is being challenged and that package of survival programs, called “emotions” erupt.

It’s like you have two brains in one body. Your emotional states that evolved to help you survive; and the other which is ruled by reason.  The old brain; and the new brain in one package: your skull.

Okay, now, back to sex…

When we feel emotional threat, we respond with this primitive part of our brain.  We feel scared, and our defenses go on autopilot.  We feel angry and protective and either withdraw or go into attack mode to regain a sense of control.  While it is possible to feel a need to have sex from this place, it’s more of a desire for dominance than it is the kind of intimacy that we most need and want.

Women tend to be turned off by men who display the need for this type of sexual encounter, if they aren’t it’s because they have never experienced the other kind.   And even if they will put up with it for a while, eventually they will stop wanting to participate because it just doesn’t feel good.  It feels scary and unsafe.

Safety is what leads to continued, warm intimate and frequent sex. When we feel safe with our partner our brains kick into a mode that allows us to drop our boundaries and allow ourselves to feel the vulnerability we need to feel in order to experience deep sexual intimacy.  Being afraid triggers the old brain into survival mode and sets up firm boundaries that keep distance between us. ant More Sex

So, if you want more sex, work toward more emotional safety in your relationship.  Emotional safety is accomplished by awareness of and sensitivity to what our partner is feeling.  It means being aware that when our partner feels threatened and is yelling or acting angry toward us, we listen to what is underneath their angry behavior. We ask them for more information about what may have hurt them and own up to our part in whatever occurred.  This doesn’t mean passively letting them have their way, it means sharing about what we honestly feel and negotiating a result that works for both of you.

Our old brain is tricky.  It can make us think that something is threatening when it’s not. It can make us think we are being attacked when we are not.  Being sensitive to what may trigger our partner into feeling they are being attacked helps us be more aware of what might be standing in the way of more intimacy (i.e. more sex).

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You see, I am an anger phobic from way back.  I will never forget cringing as my grandmother screamed at my mentally retarded uncle.  She would go on tirades that filled the house with angry blasts of her voice (this was no small task as the house was a 3 story boarding house).  I was never comfortable with anger (especially not my own!) and I would do just about anything to avoid it.  Additionally, when anyone was angry I had huge judgments regarding them.  Anger, in my opinion meant ugliness, abusiveness and there just wasn’t any excuse for it.

So marrying someone human enough to get angry startled me. I didn’t understand where my loving, gentle husband had disappeared to and who was this person in my bedroom anyway?  After all, I didn’t see that I could possible have done anything to have brought on his wrath.  I never did anything to deliberately hurt anyone, especially him, my most beloved.  The anger that I felt as a response separated us.  I felt totally disconnected from him. I couldn’t understand where he got off being so angry with me for nothing I could comprehend.  Who was this angry monster and why did he seem to hate me?

That’s how it felt to me. If someone was that angry with you they had to hate you, right? Consciously I knew that was wrong, but it definitely felt that way. The little kid inside cringed at every angry word he spoke.

I was fearful of his getting angry so I started editing what I told him.  In other words, controlling him by not giving him all the information.  That always backfired of course, because eventually he would discover what I had not told him and it would make him even angrier.

I don’t recall how long it took for me to realize that underneath the raging exterior of my formerly loving partner was a lot of fear and hurt.  What’s more, what he was angry about was never really about what I thought it was about, it wasn’t really about what I had said or done, it was about something far bigger, and older.

His anger was what I call a “Self-Protective” stance that he took to manage his hurt and fear. Often when someone is hurt they will become larger than life. They will raise their voice, puff up their physical self to maximum capacity and try to look as threatening as possible in an effort to appear more powerful than they feel (Imagine a puffer fish here).  They appear large and loud and scary so that you will be intimidated into stopping whatever it is you are doing that is hurting or scaring them. Underneath there is a kind of desperation and terror.  But that is not what they show; they show an overpowering, larger than life toughness to attempt to force change.

The person that had been so frightening to me was in fact scared and hurt.  Now, for some of you that might not be new information, but for me it was a huge newsflash.  Knowing this changed everything.  It empowered me to respond differently than I ever had to an angry person.

Instead of responding as a helpless victim and cringing, trying to control them by placating them with platitudes, running around trying to fix the problem that upset them, or worse, reacting with anger in return – I learned to give them empathy.  All of the old ways of responding, I discovered, created more resentment and anger.

Empathy, I was thrilled to realize, created a whole new kind of relationship and helped me find my kind, gentle husband again.  He had always been there, inside the attitude that had scared me so badly.  His Self-Protector stance had left me fearful and confused.  But once I figured out that I could change everything by changing how I viewed his anger, our relationship was transformed.

Our anger is a survival mechanism that kicks in when we are threatened in some way.  It throws us into a Self-Protector position in order to keep ourselves alive. Now, in most cases in today’s world, we are not really going to die, but on a brain level, that’s how it feels.  If our partner responds to our hurt and fear with empathy for our feelings, then we can slowly let go of our need for our Self-Protective reactivity and let ourselves be vulnerable again.

The next time your partner is angry with you. Stop. Don’t do what you always have done. This time, notice the hurt or fear and say something to indicate that you noticed they are hurting, like “I’m sorry, I can see there is something I did that hurt you. Can you tell me what’s going on?”  or something similar in your own words.  Give her some indication that you understand she is hurting.  Let him know that you care that he is hurt.  Odds are you will find out that the upset wasn’t really about you, but about something from your partner’s history. So be open, be curious and empathetic.  This will allow their anger to bring you closer instead of pushing you further apart.

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Why is that?

Okay, we have all heard of the “Fight or Flight Syndrome”. That’s’ when your brain takes over and you feel you have to either fight or run away from the situation.  But what does this mean to us on a personal level? What it means is our brains are engaged in a battle for our survival and it is sending us messages intent on helping us survive whatever the threat appears to be.  That threat could be as simple as avoiding embarrassment, it could be defending against something that you said that the other person perceived as an attack.  Whatever the threat, the other person is reacting to you as though you are a threat.  They see you as “the bad guy” and themselves as “the victim”.

Now, if you asked them, they would deny this. They are not lying to you, they are not aware that  “the bad guy” and “the victim” roles are unconsciously engrained into their way of perceiving the world. Actually, it’s a part of all of our unconscious minds.  We can’t help it it’s automatic.

Picture this: A husband, let’s call him Jim, is trying to help his wife who is swamped with Christmas preparations. She told him that she has to set up the tables for their holiday dinner and gave him a vague notion of how she wanted it done.  Without asking for more details, Jim thinks he can help his wife; lets call her Susan, by setting up the tables for her.  He hurries around hastily setting up the tables before she comes back from Christmas shopping, hoping to surprise her. Well, boy, was she surprised. Susan says, “What is this?”

Jim proudly says, “I set the tables up for you.” Suddenly, without warning, Susan explodes on him, telling him this is not at all what she wanted, and why did he think this is how she wanted it? And why didn’t he let her do it?  Jim was dumbfounded. He starts yelling back at her how he was just trying to help, and didn’t she want his help? Susan is aghast that he can’t see this is not what she wanted. She starts telling him he was just trying to horn in on her show, that this holiday dinner is important to her because her new son-in-law’s family is going to be there and she had it all planned out. Jim insists that he was trying to help her and she is just being petty.

The discussion erodes from there into an all out fight.

What happened here? Both people were trying to accomplish the same goal, but they got seriously derailed. Why? It’s because their brains kicked into survival mode.  The whole argument escalated because neither of them realized how suddenly they had become each other’s enemy.  Each saw the other as “the bad guy” and themselves as “the victim”.  Whatever understanding they may have had of each other’s stress was out the window and they were each solely focused on surviving the current threat.

So what is the alternative? The alternative is to choose to react with compassion. Now, that sounds like a big task when you are feeling threatened, and in fact, it is.  But the key to doing it is really quite simple.

The key to reacting with compassion is to begin with taking ownership of your part in the situation. How do you take ownership when you have no idea what triggered the other person’s reaction?

You start by taking a breath.  Breathing may seem simple, but it’s not.  Our bodies react to threat by going into hyper-alert. In the hyper-alert state our breathing can stop.  We can stop this automatic reactive response by consciously choosing to take some breaths.

Next, remember who is talking to you.  Remind yourself of the good things you know about this person.  Then remain open and curious about your own role in the situation.  You can say, “You seem angry, is there something I said or did that upset you?” Find your own words to convey that you are aware of something you did having triggered an emotion in this person.   Once you have opened your own heart to listening to their pain, you are in a better place to be heard.

Reigning in our own “Fight or Flight” reactivity helps us hear and be heard. When we can calm those automatic reactions in ourselves we are less likely to respond to others in threatening ways.  By calming our own reactions, taking ownership of our part in the situation and offering empathy to the other person, we are not longer a threat to the other person.  By removing the threat, the other person can then let down their protective reactivity and listen to what we have to say to them.

So the next time you find yourself thinking, “Why won’t they listen to me?” stop and breathe.  Then find out what upset them.  Give them some empathy, and say your piece.  Their ears will be open, check it out for yourself.

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Things have changed.

They are not yet as equal as they should be and the Roe vs. Wade keeps being modified and brought into question, but women have made a lot of headway in our culture.  We “have come a long way, baby”.  And perhaps as a rallying point for women the National Organization for Women is needed to get people to push for women’s freedoms.  Maybe we wouldn’t address them without this, what I call, “Self Protective” stance. But it’s a shame.

In the past few years men have begun to organize themselves in a similar fashion. There is a National Men’s Equality Congress this year, there are men’s rights books and magazines, men’s rights online digests and men’s activism agencies.  They have brought light to the issue of parental alienation and father’s rights. And for better or worse, Alec Baldwin has suddenly become their spokesman. They have done some great things to help father’s regain position in the courts as important in the emotional lives of children. But again, they have thrust themselves into an extremely “Self Protective” stance. Again, it’s a shame.

As human animals we find ourselves in this “Self Protective” position when we perceive ourselves to be under attack. There is no doubt that women have perceived themselves as under attack from the pedagogical structure of our society from it’s outset.  Women have fought for the right to vote, to go to work, to own property, to raise our children on our own and to choose when to continue to carry a child. Women have even had to fight for the right to not be beaten by their husbands.

In our culture, and most others, men have more income and therefore more access to financial power. Money buys a lot of power. It’s easy for those without power to assume that those in power have all the rights they want and that they are persecutory. Women have experienced themselves as the “Victims” of this perceived persecutory power that men have held for generations. There is no doubt that women have suffered.

When we perceive ourselves to be “Victims” we have three choices. We can remain in the “Victim” position and let ourselves slowly deteriorate because this position is one of hopelessness and powerlessness; there is no way out. Or, we can learn to placate our persecutor and please and cater to them while controlling them through our pandering to them, this is called being a “Rescuer.  It is a position that women have often, throughout history used to give them as sense of power (think of the characterization of a “Jewish Mother” or a “Southern Belle”).  Finally, we can chose to become a “Self Protector” and fight for our rights against our persecutor whom we perceive to be “wrong”, “bad”, and needing punishment (a classic example is of the caricature of a “bra-burning femi-Nazi dyke” from which most men recoil in fear).

The problem with choosing to perceive ourselves as a “Victim” and taking any of these positions is that we cannot escape the battle.  Conflict and pain is unavoidable when we are in this egocentric position of perceiving ourselves as the “Victim” of some persecutor that has no soul and no sense of empathy for our plight. We are then stuck in a position of having to fight for our survival against a perceived enemy.  We become staunchly adversarial with our foe. We fight until we prevail and our enemy “loses”.

Of course, when someone loses a battle they are then the “Victim” and in order for them to have any hope, they have no choice but to fight back.  Gangsters find themselves locked into this stupid cycle for generations and with lives lost on either side simply for the reason that they cannot let themselves be in the “Victim” position.Africa is caught in this cycle at the cost of millions of lives. The Judeo-Christian world has been caught in this cycle with Muslims for thousands of years. And women and men are stuck in it as well.

The death and destruction caused by what I call “The Cycle of Egocentrism” has cost lives, humanity dignity, peace and unfathomable resources throughout time. And it’s so unnecessary.

With all the combined wisdom of our modern world we do know other ways to behave.  But we choose not to because we don’t realize that our behaviors are dictated by primitive brain stem activity that makes us believe the three positions are our only hope for survival. It is our primitive brain, a part of us that evolved to help us survive primitive conditions which dictates our current battles. But we are evolved beings. We do have the capacity to think and make choices based on new information.

As women and men separating ourselves into these “Self Protective” positions we are forever locked into battle. Yet we do have different choices we can make. We can choose to move out of the idea that in order to avoid being a “Victim” we have to be “Self Protectors”.   Instead we can take ownership of our own lives, and provide ourselves and or former “enemy” with respect and empathy.  We can move out of  “The Cycle of Egocentrism” and into “The Cycle of Compassion” and provide ourselves an opportunity to experience deeper connection with the opposite sex instead of viewing ourselves as opponents in a battle for survival.  The truth is we cannot survive without each other. There is no arena in which this is more obvious than the “battle of the Sexes”.

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You’ve seen it time and time again. Everything is going great, you and your partner love each other dearly, and your relationship couldn’t be better. Then, it strikes without warning. Someone says something, the other responds, and it’s on!

What appears to be a simple misunderstanding escalates into an argument, a fight, and someone ends up sleeping on the couch. Worse yet, one of you starts throwing things, then storms out of the house. Remember the frustration, the anger, the resentment?

Remember how puffed up your ego got? “Yeah, so there!” OK, clearly that didn’t go as planned. And you can bet nobody gained anything from that exchange.

What happened? How did a simple question turn into a screaming match?

In your mind, the other person “just doesn’t get it”. But here’s the problem – in their mind, YOU “just don’t get it”.

And what’s even WORSE is having ANY kind of emotional discussion (read: argument) by phone or email. NEVER do that if you can avoid it.

So how can this possibly be resolved without endless fighting and eventually maybe even breaking up?

When a “discussion” escalates into an argument, all sense and reason seems to leave the building. At that point, it’s all EGO, and going downhill hard. Everybody is getting puffed up trying to one-up the other person by saying something just a little more hurtful in response to what they just heard last. A guaranteed path to achieving nothing useful.

Could you agree to disagree?

Imagine… What if you don’t have to win?

Really, think about that for a moment. Do you really NEED to win? So what if you disagree? What if you like something, your partner doesn’t, and that could just be OK?

Could you agree that on this particular topic, you like red, she likes yellow, and you’re “both right” when it comes to your own life choices. And as partners and friends, you agree to respect each other’s decisions. You “agree to disagree”.

Suddenly, you don’t have to fight. You can be happy together again, and face new days in joy and harmony.

How can you achieve this peace?

So here’s a question from a gentleman wondering if it’s normal to have fights and arguments with his partner.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

“No relationships are without arguments and quarrels” – Is this true?

– Edmund (Singapore)

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It seems that when we reach a certain age and we have not been able establish a long-term intimate connection we tend to give up. Now, obviously this is not true for everyone as some people divorce and remarry many times trying to make it work.   But many people do give up.  I think its sad.  Some of the men and women I have met are marvelous people, intelligent, creative, hard working and attractive.  They are lonely, though often they try to convince themselves that single life is fine and they are happy. Maybe some of them are, certainly many of them have full, meaningful lives.  But usually when I hear them talk about relationships it’s with a sad, wistful look on their faces.

So what are they to do? One woman I spoke with said about her ex-husband, “You know, he was a really great guy, but when we were together it brought out the crazy in both of us.”  Without knowing what it is that makes us “crazy” when we are together we are left in a hopeless tangle of feelings and confusion.

Going to therapy is one obvious choice, but what if you have gone to therapy already, but you still don’t understand what when wrong?  I went to therapy and learned the reasons for some of my bad choices and some really important things about myself (even becoming a counselor myself). I learned to be more assertive with my friends. I learned to feel better about myself as a person. I processed through a lot of old pain from my childhood.  And yes, it did help me make a better choice in partners, but it didn’t fix the problems I had relating. Only after discovering what I now call “The Cycles of the Heart” did I begin to understand what was making me… and my partner, “Crazy”.

You see, something we humans don’t like to admit about ourselves is that we are animals.  We have animal instincts. We have hard-wired brain reactivity that forces us to react in certain ways under certain circumstances.  The emotions that drive the behaviors that result are compelling and overwhelming.  We think that we have to do the things that our brain is telling us is required of us.

What triggers our brain into these survival mechanisms is a sense of threat. For animals, that sense of threat comes in pretty simplistic forms.  They observe signals of a physical nature coming from another animal that compels them to react defensively.  A growl, a stare, ruffled fur, bared teeth, stiffening of a spine all trigger a defensive reaction in animals.  But human beings are a bit more complicated.  Our brains store more data than most animals and it gets us confused about what is an actual threat and what just feels like a threat.  It doesn’t matter to our brains whether the threat is real; it only knows to respond.

Our partners are important to us so we are really sensitive to threat from them.  This is why we may have no problems getting along with our friends but a terrible time making a partnership work. What happens then is that our partners unwittingly say or do something that creates a sense of threat in us, we get frightened in some primitive way, and react defensively. Then, or defensiveness triggers a defensive response in our partner and the cycle begins; never to end.

We both end up acting like crazy people because we are reacting to something that feels way bigger than the situation, that the other person doesn’t understand, and neither of us knows how to end.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Well it should.

It is unlikely that any of us have gone through life without being involved in a situation like this.  The funny thing is, it doesn’t matter how “grown up” or “mature” you are, or how much “work” you have done on yourself.  All of us will, in the wrong situation, find ourselves acting like, well, madmen.  We are embarrassed about it later and have no clue why that situation brought us to such depths of reactivity.

But that is how the brain works.  The feelings are intense because our survival mechanisms are our most primary drive.

When we learn what makes up these cycles of behaviors and how to choose differently we can learn to make different choices.  It’s not easy, but its possible and it can make a huge difference in your ability to relate to those closest to you.

Learning to see each other’s reactivity for what it is: survival reactivity, allows us to see the other person as a whole person and not just their behavior al reactivity.  It allows us to have the same empathy for ourselves and teaches us to be compassionate with all people.

We no longer have to hide behind protective barriers to prevent further wounding. because we understand what is happening inside the relationship and in our heads.  There is hope for those of us who think relationships are “not for them”. The way out involves deepening our understanding of others and ourselves and learning to develop the skills of respect, ownership and empathy.  While the concepts are simple, the process is anything but simple.

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The reasons behind his reaction may not be as simple as assuming that he’s just over-sexed. It may go much, much deeper…

We all associate different emotions (good and bad) with different types of touching such as holding hands, hugging, getting a massage, and kissing. Some of these emotions can be very powerful and have a significant impact on how we relate to others.

Read this great article from featured author Melody Brooke to find out why the way we touch one another is extremely important to a happy and secure relationship.

Touch – It’s More Than Sex

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

For many men, the opportunity to be touched, even casually by a woman is arousing.  And, no, it’s not because men are different than women innately.  This is because boys are often raised with little physical nurturance.  Some men are so touch deprived that they shut off the awareness of the need for it entirely.  As a result they appear cold, distant and emotionally unavailable.  They have little understanding of why a woman wants to be touched or cuddled.  It completely baffles them.

Many cultures within the larger American culture work to toughen up boys and assume that cuddling, hugging and kissing boys makes “Mama’s boys” or “Sissies” out of them.  This creates an environment in which our male children are raised without physical touch.  Yet we know, from years of research that touch is a basic need.  Babies deprived of touch do not survive; they will quit eating and die.  While men, even 5 or 6 year old boys are not infants, they, like all of us have a basic need to be held, to be touched, and otherwise physically nurtured.   This need for touch can be hidden away for years, until perhaps in their early teens, a girl steals a kiss or holds his hands.  Suddenly he finds himself aroused and from that moment on, associates touch with sex.

Then these poor guys get accused of being hyper sexual because the need for touch, which has been repressed for years, suddenly emerges as sexual desire.  The hormone oxytocin carries messages of bonding, safety, overall well being and of love to our brains and to our bodies.  It also increases sexual arousal. This hormone is released when there is any type of skin-to-skin contact. This generally happens at the same time as the developmental hormonal changes of adolescence, further complicating matters.  From the male perspective then, touch=sex.

Every touch experienced carries a different electrochemical message to the brain. Even small, very light touches can create tremendous brain activity. When you expanded to hugging, the response is magnified many times because it brings with it memories of previous experiences (or lack thereof) and the attached emotional meaning. (Welch, 1988) When a person is upset or stressed, taking their hand usually produces a soothing effect, reducing anxiety, and generating a feeling of greater security as the oxytocin is released.

Couples observed touching affectionately test as being more securely attached and having a more satisfying sex life.  If you are unhappy with the amount of sexual activity with your partner, notice what happens when you become more affectionate in general with each other.  Increasing overall affectionate behaviors can have a positive effect on each of you individually, as well as increasing the amount of sexual activity between you…

Touch alone can transform the quality of your relationship.

If you are not feeling safe enough with your partner to enjoy copious amounts of affection, you might want to ask yourself why not.  Is this because of your own discomfort with touch?  Or is it because you fear that touch will initiate sex when that is always what you want? Is your partner uncomfortable with touch and therefore reluctant to express their affection physically? These are all questions that you and your partner should discuss, certainly before committing to a long-term relationship.

While some couples settle into a kind of comfortable physical distance, their emotional connection is often just as distant.  If you are not comfortable with idea of an emotionally distant relationship, then you should be aware of the impact of physical distance on the quality of your relationship.

Try livening up your relationship by making it a point to hug and kiss your partner when you come home, or being sure that you cuddle up close before drifting off to sleep.

Hold hands while you walk together. Women, spend time giving your partner a massage. Non-sexual touch can evoke strong feelings in a touch-deprived male.  If your partner has an intensely emotional response, be open to allowing him to have those feelings in the safety of your presence. It can be deeply bonding.  Men, touch your partners’ arms while she is talking to you, touch her face as you tell her about your day, it will make her feel cherished and valued.

Increasing the amount of touch you give will improve more than your relationship in the process.  Infusing your body with Oxytocin, through touch, will provide you with reduced stress and boost your sense of well being.

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Do you know that your lack of communication is actually hurting your relationship rather than helping it?

Here’s great article from featured author, Melody Brooke that will help you better understand how to have even the most difficult conversation with your partner and how having these conversations can actually help your relationship grow even stronger.

Oh, No, I Could Never Tell Him That!

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

It took me many years to figure out that my way of communicating was a disaster.  I was so paranoid of telling my partner things that would upset him that I had very few things that I could actually say to him.  Even when I got over the paranoia, I still found myself not always telling him things.

By choosing to limit what I was telling my partner, I was controlling him. I chose not to tell him certain things because I was afraid of his reaction. I didn’t want to displease him or anger him, so I just didn’t tell him things that I feared would cause those reactions.

For years I was convinced behavior I labeled as “controlling” was a “bad” thing.  It would make upset me terribly to have someone tell me what to do or to command me to behave in a certain way. I would be triggered into feeling trapped, angry and resentful.  Yet I never realized that my own lack of communication was really the same thing!

The decision making process is key to understanding why we communicate the way we do.  If our decision-making is based on fear or control, we are in for trouble.  The trick is; how do we recognize our motivations? To know what our motivations are, we have to be connected with our own feelings.  We have to be able to name them, and we have to be able to recognize how they are affecting us, and our communications.

The funny thing is that many of us are keenly aware of what other people are feeling (or what we think they are feeling) and yet clueless about what we are feeling. What I have learned over the years is that the same thing motivates all of us: survival.  On a brain level we are driven to do that which will help us survive in whatever circumstance we find ourselves.

Rarely in this day and age are those feelings based on actual physical survival, but rather they are based on the survival of our well being.  When we feel our well being is threatened in any way, we will be thrown into a survival mode that is as old as life itself.  We can’t help it, its automatic. It doesn’t matter how mature we are, if we are put in the right (or wrong) circumstance we will behave in ways we end up regretting and we may even be confused as to why we found ourselves reacting that way.

This brain response limits our choices.  When we are in this kind of reactivity our bodies go into what is known as “fight or flight” response.  Telling my partner something I feared would make him angry sent me into “flight”.  For me, that meant shutting up, holding back, and not speaking my whole truth.  As a result I often ended up lying to him through lies of omission. I didn’t think of it that way, in fact, I rarely thought about it because it was automatic.

Once I recognized that pattern I was able to start speaking my truth to him.  Scary though it was, it dramatically improved the quality of our relationship.

I must say it didn’t come easily, because stopping the “flight” reaction immediately led to a “fight” reaction.  In other words, I became defensive and angry myself in response to his predicted unhappiness about whatever it was I had to tell him. Whew.  What a mess, that is until I found a way out.

When we go into a “flight” reaction we are behaving as Victims in our relationship and not respecting our partners ability to handle what we have to say. When we go into “fight” reactions we are frightened and behaving like a puffer fish trying to scare off a predator. Is that how we want to think of our partner? Our beloved? I don’t think so!

Our alternative is to find a way to speak our emotional truth to our partner. Instead of lashing out in fear, say, “I don’t really understand why, but I am feeling afraid right now.”  Two things occur when we allow ourselves this level of honesty. First, we are breaking the cycle. Second we are making ourselves vulnerable, which is of course quite scary when we are already afraid.  Yet if we chose this person to be our partner we must have, at some level, a sense that this is someone we can trust.  So at this point, we choose to expand our trust to a deeper level, and give them a piece of our emotional truth.

Secondly, we can respond empathetically to our perception of the other person’s fear. Because we know that if someone is not telling their truth, or if they are ramming their truth down our throats, they are in fear.  We can then respond with an empathetic statement like, “I can see you are feeling upset. Can you tell me what’s going on?” This response also breaks the cycle and allows for moving into a deeper level of trust and communication.

When we can own our own feelings, have empathy for our partner and respect each other enough to listen to each other’s feelings we can move our relationship into a deeper level of love and understanding.  We can then stop having things that we can’t say to each other.

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Sex, What’s That? I’m Married!

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

It’s not a joke; most married men I know claim to have less sex than they did when they were single. This seems to be confirmed by the Durex Survey (2001), since couples living together claim to have sex 146 times per year, while married couples make love only 98 times per year.  Yet going from roughly three times a week to two hardly seems to justify the statement.  But why is it that simply being married reduces the number of times we choose to enjoy each other’s bodies?

After working with couples for over the past nearly 20 years, and going through my own set of divorces, I have come to the conclusion that marital dissatisfaction and a lack of sexual intimacy go hand in hand.  Men feel it as a lack of sex; women feel it as a lack of emotional connectivity. But both feel it as something lacking in the relationship.  Men tend to blame their wives for being disinterested or lacking in sexual drive, and women tend to blame their husbands for not having a good emotional I.Q.  Yet both are unhappy.  Hmm. The thing that seems to be consistent is that they each blame each other.

Blame is an old survival mechanism left over from our years as cavemen.  We needed to know who was to blame for things in order to survive our harsh environment.  This is not something we need to hang on to in our modern society.  The assignment of blame acts as a tool to focus our actions and provides us with clear understanding of what to do next.  But it also distances us from those we love.  Our old brain, our mammalian primitive brain stem tells us that the one we blame is threatening our survival.  This does not make us want to make love to them. It makes us want to protect ourselves, in other words, distance ourselves from that person.

Blaming each other and feeling like a victim of the other’s behavior, in my experience tends to lead to divorce. Yet somehow, this is the behavior of choice.  What might happen if both partners actually took ownership of the situation and decided that they are both responsible for the lack of sexual and emotional intimacy?

If we can understand that our old brain is in gear when we are in a blaming stance, then maybe we could make a different choice.  When we can recognize that we are blaming our partner for something, be it lack of sex or lack of emotional connection, it would behoove us to take ownership of our own part in the problem. We may not be sure what it is; but rest assured you have as much a part in the problem as your mate.

The alternative is to begin to explore what is in the way of the thing that you want. Let your partner know that you want things to be different and that you recognize that you have not made it easy for the two of you to have what you want.  Simply admitting that you recognize that you have a part in the problem will take your partner out of defensive mode and improve your communication.

This is hard for people who habitually take the victim stance. When we think that we are always the one being abused it’s difficult to recognize our part in a problem.  In fact, those of us stuck in believing that we can do nothing to change our circumstance are creating the problem as Eldridge Cleaver said,  “If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.”  So if you think you are the Victim, think again.  If you are not actively working at solving the problems you have, you are as responsible as the person you are blaming for the problem!

Owning your part, even if you don’t fully understand it, opens you up to being curious about what you can do differently.  Letting your partner know that you want to know what you can do differently, immediately takes down barriers between you.  Suddenly you are not each other’s enemy, but instead, team mates trying to work out a plan that will work for you both.

Whether it is more sex you want, or more emotional intimacy, you both are responsible for making it safe for each other.  If you have been accusatory and blaming your partner for the problems your partner will not feel safe to explore the problems.  They will feel defensive and ashamed, fearful of the topic, and generally untrusting of your motives.  Moving out of a blaming position by communicating that you have as much to do with the problem as your partner, you allow safety to evolve.

No one wants to make love when they don’t feel safe. No one wants to open up emotionally to someone they don’t trust. If you are not having sex or emotional connection in your relationship, you have to own your part in not making it safe for those things to occur.

Now on my third marriage, I have finally learned to own my part in my relationships.  I don’t have to blame him when things go wrong. I know that there is something I can do to improve things, even if it only means saying “I’m sorry. I know things are not right between us. What can I do?”

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My partner and I have been together for 2 years and we have been living together for about 4 months. Now that we are living together, we rarely have sex. We are becoming more like best friends and I’m scared the passion is fading.

I don’t want to lose my relationship but I don’t know if I have the will power to save it. What can I do?

Watch this short video to find out how you can spice up your sex life and bring back that spark you had in the beginning…

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Wouldn’t it be nice if you could bring up those concerns without it sounding like you’re nagging and without it turning into a full blown argument?

Here are some really great tips and suggestions that will help you talk about the things that drive you crazy without offending your partner and ruining a perfectly good day.

How to Resolve Difficulties Without Making Your Partner Wrong

by Marianne Torrence, Trainer and Facilitator

You’ve read all about the #1 relationship mistake – putdowns or making your partner feel wrong or belittled.

It’s pretty obvious that is not going to help a relationship, but what happens if your partner is doing something that really upsets you and they have no idea that it’s happening? Do you have to just put up with it and keep quiet?

After all, if you mention it it’s going to seem like a putdown, right?

Well, actually, not necessarily. This is where you have to learn some skills, how to introduce the subject, warn your partner that there’s something that’s on your mind, and ask for them to be able to hear you out, if possible without reacting.

Sound like a tall order, right? Maybe. A lot of this depends on your partner’s self-esteem and ability to understand that YOU having a problem with something they are doing doesn’t mean they are wrong for doing it. It simply means that YOU have a problem with it. Period.

So another point – if you have managed to bring up this undisclosed issue and get it off your chest without causing an upset, it’s wise to not then get into trying to get them to change it. Because often just the fact of communicating it and getting it heard, understood and acknowledged can not only make it less of an upset or concern for you, but may bring about in your partner a willingness to change whatever it is or at least consider it. Especially if they don’t feel put down by the way you brought it up.

Obviously a lot depends on the magnitude of what your partner was doing that was getting you upset. There’s a fairly substantial difference between leaving the cap off the toothpaste and spending every night at the pub with the boys.

There is also a major distinction between complaining about something constantly – a.k.a. nagging – and bringing it up once as an issue to be communicated and looked at.

The fundamental of being able to deal with these issues is to establish some procedures and agreements for communicating about potentially disturbing or “hot” topics. One of the best ways to do this is to create a “frame” or “introduction” to be used to signal you have an issue to discuss that may be challenging or difficult to face.

Phrases that can work can go something like this…

“Have you got some time to talk about something that’s been on my mind?”

“I have something that’s been bothering me and I would like to be able to talk about it to you without making you feel wrong. Do you feel up to listening right now?”

When you communicate the upset, take responsibility for it by phrasing it from your own perspective, not directed at your partner.  E.g. “I find that I feel upset when I see you _________”, “My feelings get hurt when I notice ________ .”  “It’s been seeming to me like you tend to ignore our daughter when she tries to tell you something, and I’d like to know if you feel that is happening, maybe you can help me understand what you feel is going on.”

Now, a lot of this depends on what sort of person your partner is. If you are with someone who under no circumstances can entertain the slightest hint that anything they do could possibly be improved, or is anything less than perfect, well, you’ve got troubles. (It is always EXTREMELY smart to make sure before you get into a relationship that the someone you have got your eye on is actually someone who is willing to correct mistakes and learn from them, and understands that no one does anything perfectly the first time.)

But if you have a reasonably confident well-balanced partner you should find no difficulty in establishing some ground rules as above to allow you to communicate about differences in viewpoint without starting a war. Just make sure it starts with an agreed on frame of reference so your partner is aware it’s “sort-out time” coming up.

And as much as possible make sure they are in a position to give you their undivided attention, with sufficient time to complete the discussion, before you launch into it. Five minutes before you leave to go to a party is probably not a good time!

Remember one of the vital points on this, when discussing your issue, leave out the word “you” as much as possible. Keep it to how YOU feel about whatever it is. Not what they did or said but the reaction of feeling you had about it. The word “you” can very easily sound accusative and become accusative.

And be as specific as possible about what is upsetting you. “I feel upset because you always burn the dinner” is not workable if it’s an exaggeration and therefore untrue! “I got upset when you burned the dinner twice last week and I wondered if there’s some way I can help you so that doesn’t happen” would provoke less reaction than the first statement.

Practice this if you need to. Even in front of the mirror. If you have old habits maybe ingrained from copying parents or from earlier relationships it may take some work – but it’s worth it –much less stressful!

There’s another much deeper secret about all this but it will have to wait for another article, this is enough for now.

Marianne Torrence is a clearing facilitator, personal development specialist and SuperTeaching trainer, providing in-depth and highly effective techniques and systems to “clear out your mental closets”; involving procedures which substantially reduce stress.

With 35 years of experience, Marianne delivers over 40 different programs covering a wide variety of issues people have such as unwanted limiting beliefs, removal of negative energy from traumatic incidents, relationship difficulties, communication ability enhancement, personal integrity makeover, attitude transformation, and bettering communication with their bodies.

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Wouldn’t it be nice if you could identify these situations before they occur and stop arguments in their tracks?

Here’s great article from featured author, Melody Brooke on just how to prevent these “discussions” from spiraling out of control.

Help! My Partner is Driving Me Crazy!

When we are in a long-term relationship we sometimes find that we are caught in conflicts that make us feel crazy.  We don’t understand what the other person is talking about and they don’t seem to understand what it is we are trying to tell them.  Often this is about the time couples give up on their partnership and call it quits.  Why does this happen? How can we stop it?

It happens because we are animals. Yes, essentially we are human animals driven by instincts that we don’t have conscious awareness of, but that are driving our behavior nonetheless.  It’s not terribly complicated, though it’s not all that easy to change.  Understanding what drives us and why we react the way we do, and why our spouses are reacting the way they are; helps us move through it to a (hopefully) happy resolution.

We can stop it, but it’s sometimes really hard.  To begin with, recognize that whatever it seems like the conflict is about is not what it’s really about.  I know it’s hard to accept but what you are really upset about it not that he didn’t call when he said he would or that she got upset with you for being late. That may be what triggered the discussion, but it is not the source of the upset.  Let me explain.

When we feel we are being attacked or threatened in someway we feel that we are the Victim, and the offending person (our partner) is the Villain (perpetrator, bad guy, whatever) on an emotional level.  Now, we may know intellectually that this person is our lover, our spouse, our intimate partner, etc., but we don’t feel that way when we are feeling attacked or threatened. On an emotional level, we are the Victim and they are the Villain. As long as we are emotionally in this place, our relationship is ultimately doomed.

Our instinct then, is to attack back in order to feel safe or that we are protecting ourselves. I call taking this position being in the “Self-Protector” position.  Of course, if we are “Rescuers” we might instead, let our partner off the hook by saying, “Oh, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I am getting upset over nothing” thereby placating our partner and avoiding a fight.  But the end result is the same, we haven’t stopped feeling like a Victim and they are still the Villain in our heart.

So if fighting back or placating are not the answer, what is? How do we stop the craziness?

The answer is simple, but not easy. We take ownership of our part in whatever upset our partner, or of what is upsetting us, and then provide empathy and respect for our partner. This is what it looks like…

Sara:  John, you said you were going to be here at 8, and when you didn’t get here or even call, I got worried. Then I felt hurt and like I don’t matter to you.  Can you tell me what was going on with you?

John: My being late was unavoidable.  My boss called a last minute meeting because sales are down and it ran over, then I had to go by my mothers to help her with her car and I lost track of time.  To be honest, I knew you would be mad that I was late and I just couldn’t deal with it right then, I was too stressed.  I know it must have hurt, I really didn’t mean to hurt you, but I can see that I did. I am sorry.

Sara: (Crying) You were afraid I would be mad? Of course I was mad. You let me down. But I can see that if you were stressed you wouldn’t want to face it right then, I am sorry my anger makes it hard for you to talk to me. I’ll work on that.

Obviously, “Sara” and “John” are able to be really respectful, honest, and not reactive.  It’s really hard to not be reactive when we have been hurt. But taking the time to find out what is going on with our partner (using whatever words we can muster) allows us to step back and see them as a human being, with problems and issues of their own, and not merely our offender.

To do this we have to be able to do something called “Containment”.  Containment is where we hold back on expressing our reactions to something before hearing the other person out.  We listen thoroughly to what is really going on before we respond.  This allows us to get the whole story and the feelings behind it before saying our piece.  Containment is a skill that has to be learned consciously and requires attention and intention to accomplish, but it can be done, and it’s so worth it.

The next time you are caught up in one of those crazy making discussions, try this. Shut up, contain your reactions, listen, and then start “mirroring” your partner and ask them to tell you more.  Mirroring is when you say back to your partner what you are hearing them say, it’s not parroting them word for word, but summarizing and re-phrasing what you have heard, then checking it out, “Did I get that right?” or “Is that right?” As you ask for more, say, “Is there anything else?”, “What else”, “What else can you tell me about it?” or “Is there more?”  When they have said all they can say about it, see if you can find something in what they have said to empathize with, even if you don’t agree with them, before you respond.

Most of the time, once you have fully heard your partner out, your reaction will be quite different than it was initially.  Suddenly our defensiveness is down and we have a chance to respond to our partner with ownership of our part, empathy for what they are going through and respect for who they are.

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We insist that our partner be completely honest with us about everything (check out the discussion around our previous post, Honesty About Previous Sex Partners… How Much Do You Really Need To Share?) and yet we find it difficult to be completely honest with our partner for fear that their feelings about us will change.

I’m Afraid to Tell You What I am Thinking!

Most of us learn to hold back on some of our truths when we first start dating. We might not tell him about our crazy old boyfriend who used to pull our chair out from under us on the first date. We might not tell her that the way she says the world “Insurance” with the inflection in the wrong place drives you crazy.  So we learn to hold back truths in the service of getting to know each other and not running her off before we have had a chance to find out if there is more.

Over time, if we have any skill at intimate connection, we are able to start disclosing more and more information about our past and our likes and dislikes. But some of us find speaking our truths to our partners a real challenge.  We may have a hard time letting them know when they don’t shave it scratches our skin raw.  We might struggle with telling them when we have made a huge mistake that we are embarrassed about.  Our fear of being seen for who we really are can be overwhelming.

What if I tell her and she leaves me? What if it makes him angry? How do we tell our truth and stay in connection? The reality is that if we don’t speak our truth our connection is already starting to deteriorate.

When I first married I had a hard time telling my husband when I had spent money on things for myself. I was fearful that, like my first husband, he would be upset with me and it would start a fight. So I didn’t always tell him when I spent money I was not sure he would approve of my spending.  But eventually I learned that keeping secrets builds a wall between us.  Over time I began to feel separate from him and he knew something was going on, he could feel the shift, but didn’t know where it was coming from.  When we finally talked he let me know that he trusted my decisions and both of us knowing where we are financially would help us both make wise decisions about spending.  It was an enormous relief.

Other things are hard sometimes too…

like telling him certain things I don’t like that he does, or how I would prefer him to touch me.  Yet keeping those things to myself keeps him from really knowing me and understanding who I am.

Sometimes the ways we hold back are little and don’t seem important, but even there they can make a huge difference in our sense of closeness.  Speaking up when we want things in our house a certain way, or what we do or don’t like about what our partner is wearing helps them to know how to please us. It doesn’t mean they are required to concede to our desires, but it helps them know who we are and what we like and don’t like.  That translates to intimacy.

The word intimacy has its roots in Italian. It literally means, “In to me see”.  The more you can let your partner in to see you for who you are, the more she can see and know of you, the more intimacy you will actually have.

Increased intimacy means a deeper sense of trust between you. Trust breeds a better relationship. The opposite of trust is fear. The more trust we have in our partner the less we fear their reactions to our thoughts and feelings. The more trust we have the easier it is to resolve conflicts.  Trust allows us to drop our boundaries and let the other person see our weakness and our flaws and still love us. That is the risk we take when we speak our truths.  If we don’t yet know that our truths will be accepted it’s a scary thing.  But the reality is that if we don’t speak our truths, we are just two people living in the same space together, not intimate partners.

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For us, this is not a cut and dry decision as there are many factors to consider.

As you all know by now, we’re not afraid to approach what some would consider to be forbidden topics. We like to think outside of the box and question everything while staying true to ourselves.

Our goal with this post is to help Karen follow her heart and make decisions based on love rather that fear and guilt.

Hang on tight! This could get bumpy. We’re about to step outside the box and ask you to question beliefs that you may have never have thought to question before.

Don’t forget - take the poll at the end of this article to make your vote count on this incredibly controversial topic.

Background – Is this a bad relationship?

This question is a bit involved, so we’ll break it up into sections.

I was married for twelve years to a man (S) that deserted me twice. He also had numerous extra-marital infidelities. He took his stuff and left this last time about a year and a half ago. I tried and tried to talk to him but he refused to talk to me or answer my phone calls. I was just heartbroken. He was my second husband. My first husband wasn’t unfaithful, but he had an explosive temper and shouted and screamed at me. And even though he never actually hit me, I was afraid of him.

Anyway, seven months after my second husband left me I decided to try and move on with my life. I met a wonderful man (D). He was everything I had wanted – Caring, responsible, trustful and very loving. We started slowly, but after awhile I fell deeply in love with him. And he fell in love with me.

I hired an attorney. I filed for divorce. After I had been with D for around four months he proposed to me. I was very excited and accepted. I knew our relationship was perfect and we had a wonderful life ahead of us. We were doing everything together and I was so happy.

S somehow found out and started to phone me. He told me he wanted us to get back together. He told me he would never do any of the things he had done to me before. He said he had found God and was going to church now. He said that he was a changed man. He said I was still his wife and I owed him another chance to prove he had changed. He told me he was a broken man and was thinking about suicide. I finally allowed him to see me he cried and cried and pleaded with me telling me he had changed. I felt so guilty.

Love and Fear

Karen, while this is a very emotional situation, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about anything another person does or experiences. They make their own choices in life and their experiences are their own. You can be understanding and empathize with the other person, but never, ever, make yourself responsible for what another person is experiencing.

You can control how you behave and respond to a situation, but that is where your control ends. Never let another person make you feel guilty. There is no right or wrong choice in life because we grow from each experience – some choices just work better for us than others. Even the ones that didn’t work out quite like you hoped provide the opportunity to grow.

Sometimes the best way to figure out what we want is to experience what we don’t want. Just try to learn from that experience so that you don’t keep repeating it. I’ve noticed that the Universe will keep sending you the same situation or experience over and over until you learn the lesson that you need to learn from that specific experience.

Our emotional scale has two extremes – love and fear.

In every situation – ask yourself if you’re acting out of love or fear, and always try to act out of love. Now that doesn’t mean letting someone walk all over you… You need to make decisions that feel right in your heart, in the core of your being, in your gut, however you want to explain it. Just make sure that you’re not making your decisions out of fear, anger, guilt, jealousy, revenge or any other negative emotion.

Others may react to your decisions with a negative emotion, but remember what we said in the beginning – You can only control your responses, not theirs. If another person chooses to respond to something you do with a negative emotion, that’s their decision and you can’t control what they do. You can only accept their reaction with love and understanding.

Make your life decisions based on what feels right for you. Many, but not all, will disagree with me, but the only person that you are ultimately responsible for in this life is you. Others come and go from your life so that you can further the experience of life, but you come into this life on your own and you leave on your own, so make sure that while your here you take care of YOU.

Religion and Guilt

I told D and my church counselor that if S really has changed then I thought I should give him another chance. My church counselor said I needed to forgive S and try again.

What else would a church counselor say? Your church counselor is bound by the rules and regulations of whichever religion he chooses to follow. And those rules and regulations are not always based on love, but are based on control. Having said that, forgiveness is the most powerful tool that you have in this life. I believe there’s a quote that goes something like… “Forgiveness is God’s gift to the forgiver, not the forgiven” – something like that. It’s very true because you let go of all the negative emotions around the situation whether or not the other person even knows that you forgave them. So whether or not your stay married, try to forgive him.

D was very upset and told me I was not thinking straight. He told me I had been emotionally abused through both my marriages and that S was manipulating me. D said that my marriage to S was over the minute he abandoned me. I still felt guilty.

There’s absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. He left you. Remember? You are under no obligation to take him back – unless you wish to keep repeating that same pattern until you’ve learned everything you need to learn from it.

I went to psychiatric counseling with D and the doctor couldn’t understand why I considered going back to S. I felt such pressure and told D I needed some space to figure this out. He left me alone for about a month. Meanwhile S kept calling and following me. I finally agreed to go see my church counselor with S. The counselor said that we couldn’t rebuild our marriage if we lived apart. So I allowed S to move back in.

This may sound harsh, but I would ditch the church counselor. He does not have your best interest in mind. His only concern is that you follow the rules of the church, whether you’re happy or not. I believe that we are all here to experience happiness.

The doctrine of misery is fabricated by modern organized religion. They tell us that we have to suffer to be good people. Have you really read the Bible? I can’t find anywhere in the Bible that says we need to be miserable to be good people.

My interpretation of Jesus’ teachings and the Bible is that we should love and accept everyone and every experience that comes into our life unconditionally because life is perfection.

Sure, modern religion misquotes many specific passages in the Bible which have been translated by many different writers with many different perceptions through many different languages over thousands of years and tells us to follow their rules or go to Hell. I believe that Hell is defined by the self perpetrated misery that many people put themselves through each and every day. Hell is what we experience when we are not true to ourselves.

We don’t need religion to tell us what is right and wrong. As long as we come from a place of love and acceptance, we’ll always make the right decisions. That’s what we’re here to learn. I’ve never known a truly spiritual person who judges another person. Why would an all powerful God need to judge us – that would be like us judging the actions of ant in an anthill on a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean… OK, enough ranting on modern religion…

It wasn’t right. I knew it. After all the love and joy I had found in D I now was back in a very dark and unloving relationship. He follows me everywhere. He calls me on the cell phone constantly to make sure where I am. He checks my calls on the internet during the day. He times everything so if I am home late he wants to know why. I let him sleep in my bed, and I’ve allowed him to have sex with me but it makes me sick to do it.

After awhile D contacted me. He told me that our time apart was awful for him. I felt such love and excitement hearing from him. I had missed him so much. He said that he loved me more than ever. I love him more than anyone I have ever loved. I started seeing D whenever I could find an excuse to get away from S. We hold hands and kiss and the magic is greater than it ever was.

But S hounds me about everything I do. He intercepts and reads my mail and anything he doesn’t want me to have he takes. He tells me that God has forgiven him so now I have to just “Get over it”. He tells me now I’m the sinner because I love D.

And sometimes I wonder, is S acting this way only because he knows I love D?

I know what I am doing is wrong. At first I thought that if S has really changed that I had to give him another chance. Now I see that even if he does change, this is not the life I want. I want to be with D. But now I feel trapped. Also, S has got himself into great debt – Almost $80,000.00 on credit cards. I feel guilty just leaving him to get out of debt by himself. I feel I should help. I even thought of moving out and letting him live in my house until he gets back on his feet again. D tells me not to do that. D says that S got himself into this. It’s true, S caused and did everything.

Why do I still feel so sorry for him? I just don’t know what to do. I think going to church is such a good thing, but I’m not sure that they are giving me the right advice. I’m so confused. D tells me to pack a bag find a refuge for a while, tell S to leave and not talk to him anymore.

I think the only right thing I’ve done in all this is not to cancel my divorce. I’ve told D that I’m going to do something by the end of the month. I know the right thing to do is tell S to leave and continue my relationship with D. I’m going to try but it is so hard. S cries all the time and begs me not to “throw him away”.

Please give me some advice.

Go back and re-read the begining…

You are not responsible for another person’s decisions or experiences. He is going to have to deal with his own emotions and circumstances. If you feel compelled to help him and that resonates true to you, then help him.

Just don’t do it out of obligation, guilt, or fear.

Summary

It sounds to me like you already know what you’re doing is wrong for YOU…

• Follow your heart and do what you feel to be right.
• Stop listening to other people who are not on your path. You’ve heard the old saying to walk a mile in another’s shoes before judging them. Well, the fact is that no one has walked in your shoes, including us, and they have no right to tell you what is right or wrong for you.
• Stop repeating old patterns and stop punishing yourself for things that others perceive to be wrong. Follow your heart and your passions. Only then will you truly be happy.
• It is not your responsibility to make anyone else happy, but it IS your responsibility to make yourself happy.

First, answer this short poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.

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How many times have people said that to you in your lifetime?

The words are great to hear.  They make us feel all warm and mushy inside.  Of course, there are different kinds of love. Our minister may say “I love you” but it means something different than when our child says, “I love you”.  And of course it means something entirely different when our lover says, “I love you.”

How do we know what those words mean and are the words enough?

Here’s another great article by featured author Melody Brooke. I know on some level we can all relate to what she’s saying…

Love in Action

What does it mean to tell someone “I love you”?

How many times have people said that to you in your lifetime?

The words are great to hear.  They make us feel all warm and mushy inside.  Of course, there are different kinds of love. Our minister may say “I love you” but it means something different than when our child says, “I love you”.  And of course it means something entirely different when our lover says, “I love you.”

How do we know what those words mean and are the words enough? I know women like to hear the words, too many years of living with the silent types who can’t say the words can grate on a person after a while.  But its possible to hear the words over and over from people who don’t show it, and the words become meaningless.

A child who is regularly beaten by his parents hears the words “I love you” and begins to think that love means being hit.  A child whose parents left her at her grandparents for weeks on end hear the words “I love you” and learns that the words mean abandonment.  The words are only meaningful through the action that accompanies them.

Love then is an action. The actions teach us what the words mean.

I was married to a man who was wonderful on Valentine’s day, on Mother’s Day, on Christmas, and sometimes on my birthday, but the rest of the year failed to take the actions to show me that I was loved. Do I believe he loved me? Yes, I think he did to the extent that he was capable. But I needed him to show me.

Small things help us know that our partner is thinking of us, sometimes they are microscopic…

Sometimes they may go completely unnoticed by our partner.  When we love someone we do things for them, not just to please them, but also to love them, fully and completely.

My husband hates it when I leave crumbs on the counter after I fix my breakfast, so I try to make a conscious effort to wipe off the counter before I leave for work.  I hate it when he leaves his socks on the bedroom floor, so he consciously makes the effort to toss them in the laundry when he undresses.  These are the microscopic ways we show each other, through our actions, that we love each other.

When our partner first walks through the door at the end of the day, if we greet them with a hug and a kiss and ask them about their day, they feel welcomed.  If our partner does something beyond our expectations we feel loved.  Yesterday I asked my husband to check on the peas that were warming in the microwave, he did, but noticed that the inside of the microwave was dirty. He took out the peas, pulled out the turntable, washed it off and wiped out the inside of the microwave.  I just gave him a big hug.  I felt loved and cared for and wanted him to know how appreciated he was.  Both his actions and my reactions were a way of turning our love into an action.

Discovering what makes our partner feel loved is a lifetime job. What they need from day to day, from year to year, changes.  By paying attention to what is going on with them, and asking them what makes them feel loved we can take intentional actions to help them feel our love.  The reward is not only a happy mate, but they will see how our actions make them feel, and will want us to feel the same way in return.

Our job then is to let our partner know what makes us feel loved, and let them know we appreciate the things they do that help us feel their love.  When we communicate fully what we need and that we appreciate it; then we are also taking loving action.  How can our partner know what we need unless we tell them? It is often hard for men to ask what we need and they think they are supposed to just know, but unless they are mind readers, they can’t possibly know.

Tonight, tell your partner some of the things they do that make you feel loved. Then ask your partner to tell you three or four things that you can do for them that will help them to feel loved and cared for by you.  Let them know that you will try to do these things for them, but not to expect it or ask you about it, just to notice when you do.  Then tell your partner what they can do to show their love to you.

Over time, if you continue to communicate what feels loving to you and your partner does the same, your intimacy level will increase.  Your sense of being cared for and loved will provide a kind of healing base that can allow you to accomplish more than you ever dreamed possible.  Love as an action can do that for you.

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Janet is an astrologer and life coach who uses Universal Laws, including the Law of Attraction, in her teaching.

For over twenty years, Janet has offered her wisdom in both workshop and personal settings coast-to-coast.

In this incredibly touching and heart felt article, “Sacred Relationship”, Janet tells us how to let go of our past and love ourselves first so that we might enjoy truly wonderful relationships with others.

Sacred Relationship

The twenty-first century has born its own brand of relationships. Computer dating and internet porn sites offer a myriad of ways to entertain those seeking love. Love is in the process of being redefined, yet it is the eternal yardstick for happiness.

Sacred relationship begins with the self.

Where are you in this regard?

Begin by assessing your strengths and your weaknesses. Be as honest as you can realizing that to get more of what you want, you have to be clear where you are. The art of Recapitulation involves revisiting one’s past in order to get clarity and be able to reside in the present moment with peace.

Just as Don Juan Mateus guided Carlos Castaneda in this venture, begin by remembering all you can remember about yourself in the context of relationship. Do not judge, stay in the memory, remember how you were feeling. This may take several attempts, include journaling, scripting, or talking aloud……just remember it all.

When you arrive at the present with your past memories, you are allowed to let go, and make peace with it all. No matter how dark it may have been in your view, it can only be resolved by putting grace around the past and owning it as a human experience.

Only when you have been able to clear these triggers of your subconscious, is one able to create a new script with the expectation of total freedom.

Next…

Own your body, for it is sacred. We live in a world of judgments. Think about this, nearly any one of us could choose to focus on what might be “wrong”, and have a pretty comprehensive list. It won’t get better, as one gets older either.

So, choose right now to see your divine self with all the extraneous anomalies as being the perfect “you”. Love your hair, your skin, teeth, shape, posture, and color…….for it is a blessing to have a body and live in this world. Be willing to see these “imperfections” as part of the human experience. Let go of comparisons.

Yes, this takes some work, but what better investment?

As you relax into yourself, begin to focus more on the feelings of happiness, contentment and joy. Imagine sharing these feelings, staying in the moment. Begin to daydream that special other who responds with caring and sensitivity, and appreciation for what you bring to the experience.

Honor yourself, love yourself, and get good at it. Establish a value system that defines you and live by that code.

“Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Begin with self.

Then let the real enjoyment of relationship begin!

Janet Landers is an astrologer and life coach who uses Universal Laws, including the Law of Attraction, in her teaching. For over twenty years, Janet has offered her wisdom in both workshop and personal settings coast-to-coast. For more information call 469-358-2595

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Marianne is a clearing facilitator, personal development specialist and SuperTeaching trainer, providing in-depth and highly effective techniques and systems to “clear out your mental closets”; involving procedures which substantially reduce stress.

With 35 years of experience, Marianne delivers over 40 different programs covering a wide variety of issues people have such as unwanted limiting beliefs, removal of negative energy from traumatic incidents, relationship difficulties, communication ability enhancement, personal integrity makeover, attitude transformation, and bettering communication with their bodies.

You’ll want to read “The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid” right now because it will help you avoid the single biggest mistake that you can ever make in any relationship.

The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid

by Marianne Torrence

This mistake can destroy your relationships with children, friends, colleagues too.

One of the deadliest habits one can have is putting people down, devaluing them, making them wrong and all flavors of that activity. Everyone at one time or another has had experiences of feeling lessened or degraded by the attitude or comments of someone who was making them feel wrong or their communications of little value.

In a relationship or marriage, making your partner feel less, or creating an environment where people are afraid to speak because their communications are likely to be met by a putdown, is a sure recipe for disaster unless your partner is already disempowered or already accepting of the role of victim. Which hopefully isn’t the kind of partner you want or have got! But even if they are apparently accepting of this role, adding to it with putdowns will still backfire on the perpetrator.

In my many years of listening to people’s innermost thoughts and deepest hurts, I have observed that some of the deepest unhappiness and damage can be caused by people who continually emanate negative devaluing statements, creating an unsafe environment that kills the spirit along with any chance of a deepening and long-lasting closeness. And it is damaging to the person who does it too. Those around them may not express it, but the repressed hurt and resentment that accumulates will eventually rebound on the perpetrator.

The trouble is, a lot of the people who do this to others have no idea of the far-reaching effects it can have on the recipient. In my experience most aren’t confident enough or willing to ignore social niceties enough to just front up to the person doing it and just say “Knock it off – your put-down and make wrong communications are destructive and aren’t adding any value to the people you are delivering them to.”

The bottom line is… If a person has a tendency to put down their partner’s ideas, devalue their input, or have an attitude towards others that is derogatory, it is not likely that their relationships are going to develop and deepen. Nothing causes a person to build barriers around themselves faster than feeling put down and made wrong by the person they should feel closest to. And if they hold back their feelings about it instead of standing up to the person doing the make wrong, they will speed up the estrangement even more.

Well, so far all this probably sounds pretty negative, and you might be wondering if you can do anything about it anyway if you find yourself either doing this or experiencing it.

So what are some ways to prevent this habit from sabotaging relationships? Well, it’s simple, but not necessarily easy, and it does take practice.

One of the most effective things you can do is to focus on indicating that you have heard what someone said by acknowledging their communications. “I hear you”. “I understand that”, “OK”, “I got it”, “Good”, are all ways to show someone you understood what they said, without adding any judgment or negative attitude to it.

And when answering somebody’s communication focus on the positive, on appreciating other people’s points of view, and encouraging interchange rather than negating what has been communicated to you. “ I see your point of view”, “ I can understand how you feel that way”, “I appreciate your way of looking at that”, work much better to foster good relationships than “That’s silly”, “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, “You’re wrong”, “Shut up”, and various other negative replies.

A thing to remember about people who communicate this way is that it generally is a sign their own self-esteem and sense of self-worth is poor in that they feel they need to put others down in order to feel better about themselves. And additionally it means they don’t want anyone to be aware they feel this way.

So if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has this making wrong habit and you aren’t having any success in getting them to quit the habit, you might try commenting on it in these terms.

“You know, Joe, it’s been my experience that when people feel insecure and unsure of themselves one of the ways they try to make up for their feelings of inadequacy is to try to make others feel lessened by putting them down or devaluing them. Of course people who do this don’t realize if they keep doing it they’re pretty much sending out a signal that says ‘I feel worthless or not as good as everyone else so I am trying to lessen their sense of self-worth so they don’t show up my own inadequacy’. But I don’t suppose that’s why you keep doing it, is it? But I thought I’d better ask, because it worries me – Joe, do YOU actually feel inadequate – I wouldn’t have thought so, but tell me if that’s why you keep making less of other people?”

Some version of the above communication should work to make a person with a make wrong habit think twice every time they go to reply to someone with a putdown.

Knowing this information, you can also choose to simply not hook up in a relationship with someone who does this, can’t be brought to see that there’s anything destructive or damaging to relationships in doing it, and can’t easily change it or just plain won’t.

Realize that it’s not necessarily deliberate, that a lot of time the person IS unconscious of the effects, and may just be communicating in a way they learned from parents, school, work or any environment where people simply don’t know any better way.

There are other mistakes one can make in relationships, but this is one of the worst. No one wants to be around someone whose communication is killing their fun, their joy in life and indeed the very essence of their being.

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“Seven Keys to a Lasting Connection” provides practical steps to ignite, or keep that spark, in your relationship. This is a must read article that is guaranteed to improve your relationship (assuming you are willing to take action ).

Seven Keys to Lasting Connection

It doesn’t matter how excited you are about your partner if you can’t stay on the same wavelength and keep a connection over time.  Finding the right person is really less than half of what it takes to stay connected with someone.  In working with couples and families over the past 18 years it has become clear to me that being in love, or even just loving someone, isn’t enough to keep the relationship going.

To maintain that magical feeling of love and special-ness in a relationship we have to be willing to take 150% ownership of the quality of the connection in our relationships. There are certain things we have to be willing to do and to continue doing if it is our intention to stay in love and in connection with our chosen partner.

The exciting thing is that it doesn’t matter if your relationship is only 6 months old or if its 20 years old, these things will work to deepen your connection.  And, you don’t have to wait for the other person to do them, it’s not about what the other person does or doesn’t do. It’s about you deciding that you want to maintain that connection, and being willing to take that 150% ownership.

So here we go:

1) Love is an action: Show your partner how you feel about them every day, at least once a day. Do this even if you are in different states or countries.  Show your care don’t just speak it.  Saying “I love you” doesn’t deepen a connection unless it’s accompanied by actions. Leave love notes under your partner’s pillow when you are going to be out of town. Make sure the tires in his car have enough air in them before he leaves town.  Hug her every time she walks in the door. Think to get her favorite flower once in a while, for no reason. Fix the leak in the bathroom he’s been complaining about. Wipe up the counter and pick up after yourself like she has been asking.

2) We are all kids at heart: Recognize that no matter how grown up your partner seems, they are really a little kid inside.  (Oh yes, and so are you) We are all really just kids that have bodies that have aged.  Inside all of us are the unmet needs of our childhood as well as the playful spontaneous joyful child that we once were.  Throughout the time you spend with your partner, see if you can notice the kid inside them. Respond to that kid just as you would to a kid who has not yet grown older.

3) Bedtime sharing: If you live together, go to bed at the same time, together, every night.  This is huge. That means turning off the TV, the night-light and the phone.  This is your time together.  Cuddle and talk, make love if the urge strikes but that is not the point. The point is to talk about your day, your worries, and your hopes. Discover that in spite of all the time you have spent together, you still don’t know each other. If you don’t live together, or are not together for whatever reason, talk on the phone after you climb into bed…

4) Don’t let things slide: When your partner says or does something you don’t agree with or that upsets you, tell them.  Don’t just let it slide. This doesn’t mean making a mountain out of molehill, but be sure to give things that upset you the energy that they deserve. Pretending that something doesn’t matter doesn’t make it not matter.  You may think it’s not important but over time these things add up and cause resentments and distance.  You may not always have time to process the conflict at that moment, but at least let your partner know that you are having a problem and that you will need to discuss it later. When you go to bed together that night, discuss it, if you haven’t already.

5) You are not enemies: When you are in a conflict with your partner stop your arguing for a moment. Breathe deeply. Start thinking about what you love about this person, and what you are grateful for about them. Then remember that they are not your enemy.  In the middle of a conflict it sure can feel that way. It can seem that they are attacking you and you are the victim.  Instead of arguing your case back to them, listen to what they are saying and, more importantly, what they are feeling. Respond to what they are feeling. Own what you can about your part in whatever has upset them, this doesn’t mean agreeing with them, only that you can see that you have done something that upset them.

6) Touch well, tough often: Touch your partner as often as possible, and get them to touch you as often as possible.  Skin to skin contact increases a hormone called oxytocin, the hormone of love. Oxytocin increases trust and a sense of safety; it reduces stress and increases sexual arousal.  Most men and many women are touch deprived.  In many cultures parents are taught not to “baby” their children and they interpret this as not cuddling them.  Touch increases our overall sense of well being.

7) Play together. Be playful in your interactions. Have a sense of humor in times of stress. Find something playful to do that you both enjoy and make it a priority to keep it in your schedule.  Play is critical to our sense of connection to others, and to our joy in life.  In our culture we tend to get so serious and think that if an activity is not goal directed it has no purpose or meaning.  Yet play expands our ability to think, develops creativity and gives us a sense of joy. Playing together in both structured and unstructured ways develops trust and engenders caring.

Staying connected requires time a commitment to the relationship. If you are willing to do all seven of these things, your relationship will flourish Even if you just do a few of them your relationship will fare better than many, certainly than those who first walk through the door of my counseling office.

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I was seeing a 39 yr old Bipolar male. Until a year ago, he lived w/his mother. The only reason he moved out was because he did not get along w/his ailing step-father. His mother still handles all of his finances.

In the beginning of our relationship everything seemed nice, but then it turned. He called me every day for a while but would only see me once a week for sex. I thought that his BP Disorder had something to do with his behavior and accepted it-taking it slow.

He cancelled our plans on New Year’s Eve because he partied too hard the night B4 and I did not see him on my birthday.

He told me that I am beautiful and book smart and that scares him. After not hearing from him for 3 wks, he came over at 3:45 a.m. to "talk." We did talk, but he also wanted sex, which he DID NOT get! He also shocked me by showing me that he had shaved all the hair off of his genitals and thought that was something I would like. I found it to be strange (especially since I had not heard from him in so long). Now, he calls me once in a while.  Many months ago, I told him that I was in love with him and how his behavior hurts.

Can you please help me? I am still in love with him, but as of Christmas Eve, stopped telling him so.

The Answer

Sorry to say, but sounds to me like you’re the proverbial "Booty Call". Don’t let him use being Bipolar as an excuse to take advantage of you.

I know nothing about this medical condition and do not know if it could cause this type of behavior… Here are some resources that I found that may help you. 

http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/bipolar.htm

http://www.bipolarworld.net/York/dating.htm

Treating your girlfriend like a "booty call" is not on the list of normally displayed symptoms.

It sounds like for whatever reason, this man is not in any emotional state to be in any kind of serious relationship – whether the cause is BP disorder or simply a severe case of immaturity.

If I were in your shoes, I would show myself the well deserved respect that this man is not showing you, and either find a better relationship or enjoy my own company for a while. You do not need another person (man or woman) to confirm your greatness!

If you love yourself first, you will attract a man that loves and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

This may not be what you want to hear, but I hope it helps.

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I’ve been dating this guy for 3 years, and just found out from his ex-girlfriend that in the first year of us dating he was still sending her flowers, and making CDs of songs that made him think of her. She broke it off for good, and the last 2 years he has been with only me, but he has never gotten me flowers, or even made me a CD, and I don’t think I’d even want it. After finding out what he did the first year of our relationship, I feel like if she would have came running back into his arms he would have left me for her.

Now he tells me he only loves me and wants to be with only me, but as far has being romantic to me, that will never happen, for he did it in the past and it didn’t work, so I just have to love him for him, and not for what he did for her. But I’m like we have been together for 3 years now and you have never gotten me flowers or anything, and he told me it was something between them, and it would only bring up old memories. What do I do????? I love him so much, but all this really hurts bad… I need some good advice… please help me.

The Answer

This question leaves me with a few questions of my own – Is this really about the romance or the fact that you’re not sure if he’s truly over her? Maybe you feel that he doesn’t love you as much as her and that the ‘romance’ would prove his love to you? – Just a few questions to ponder…

It sounds like your boyfriend was not over his previous girlfriend when the two of you decided to get serious, but claims that he is now. This can be a tough one because he never really gave himself time to heal and let go of the previous break up which could result in him carrying around this baggage for a very long time.

Dealing with broken trust

Open communication and honesty are the two most important components of a successful relationship. You have to honestly know in your heart – If his ex-girlfriend called him up tomorrow, would he leave you for her.

He broke this trust at the beginning of your relationship. If he went around your back for a full year, then I’d be concerned about his commitment now. But only you can really gauge if he’s truly moved on.

However, let’s remember that 2 years have passed. People change, feelings, and emotions change. And they tend to change all of a sudden, when the time is right for each person. So while he may have been dishonest with you for a very long time, he may be perfectly committed to you now.

Open and honest communication from this point forward will be critical to the relationship – especially since the trust has already been broken once. Ask him how he honestly feels – you’ll have to be very careful to do this in a trusting, open, and non-threatening way. Otherwise, he’ll just shut down and not talk to you. You also have to be prepared for what you are going to hear – it may not be what you want or expect.

Listen to your heart

Down deep, you know if he’s really and truly devoted to you and shares your love fully. But the trick here is to listen to what’s really there in your heart, not what you want to hear.

Are you jealous of his ex girlfriend?

An important question here… Was romance important to you even before you found out about his affections toward his ex girlfriend?

It’s definitely OK to always grow and change (your mind, your thoughts, your beliefs), but be sure your desire for romantic gestures isn’t just out of jealousy over the ex girlfriend.

You know… “He did it for her, why not me?” That’s a very destructive path.

Identify your needs in the relationship

I don’t think it’s the flowers or CD’s you’re looking for. It’s the way these romantic gestures make you feel – special and desired; to know that he truly loves and desires you.

Understand that romance is a way of life. Not all men feel comfortable with romantic gestures because it really puts their heart on the line. Since he has been rejected before, it may even be more difficult for him.

One idea is to take the time to figure out the exact things that make you feel special and wanted. Sit together and make a list of the top 5 or 10 things that make you feel desired. Make the commitment to do these things for each other on a regular basis, no matter how big or small. Because you’re both a bit jaded in this area, be patient and non-judgmental with one another.

Another thing you can do is help him feel very secure in the relationship so that he will feel safe in making romantic gestures. Compliment him on the little things that he does do and let him know every day how important he is to you and how much you appreciate your relationship. The fastest way to change him is to change your perception of him. Every night before you go to bed write down everything that you like and appreciate about him and your relationship – before you know it, he’ll start giving you even more reasons to appreciate him. It may sound a little backwards, but this is a very powerful exercise.

Stay together or break up?

Different people come into our lives for one purpose or another. Our instinct is to stay with the same person forever because we’re afraid to move on, but sometimes that’s not truly the best answer for us.

Many times people grow apart in a relationship, and are no longer happy together. This is primarily because we’re always growing and changing. When a couple is not completely open and honest in their communication, they often grow in different directions emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When this happens, it may be necessary to move on. I’m not a believer in settling for second best or holding on to a failing relationship.

Spend some time in quiet contemplation or meditation. Ask God, the Universe, or whomever your higher power is, to help you make the right decision for you. If you listen – the answer will come to you. It’s up to you to act on the answer that you receive.

In Summary

The past is only a memory, the future is a dream. Only now is real. Live in the now!

• As hard as it may be, you should let go of the past and forgive him for the broken trust in the beginning of the relationship whether you choose to continue the relationship or not. “Forgiveness is God’s gift to the forgiver, not the forgiven”.
• Decide what’s truly important for you in a relationship and go after it, whether it’s with your current boyfriend or not. Don’t settle or hang on to your relationship for the wrong reasons.
• Once your feelings and desires are clear to you, sit down and seriously discuss your wants and needs with your boyfriend.
• If you desire a life of romance and your boyfriend isn’t able to provide it, then it may be time to move on.
• In this case, I would seriously consider some couples counseling because there are so many issues that you are each dealing with, that you may not be able to get through them alone. An objective 3rd party can really help in a situation where you have so many delicate issues to talk about.

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My partner and I have been together for 2 years now and we have been living together for about 4 months. Now that we are living together I feel that our relationship has changed. We hardly ever have sex, probably once a month is about all we manage to achieve.

I love sex and I’m sure that my partner does too, but for some reason we just can’t seem to make an effort to do the wild thing – one of us or both are always tired and sometimes it feels like we’re losing sexual compatibility; now it seems like I’ve had more passion in the past with other men or in the beginning of our relationship.

We do love each other and we’ve been through a lot together but I feel that our relationship is changing and I don’t know what to do about it.

We are becoming more like best friends everyday and I’m scared that the passion is fading. His idea of seduction and mine are totally different – he thinks ‘Let’s have sex?’ is an acceptable phrase into seducing a woman into hot sex, where as I would rather be pinned up against a wall without a word being said and so on…

When we weren’t living together our relationship was great; we did struggle a bit in the sex department but 3 times a week compared to once a month was a vast improvement.

Any advice you have considering this situation would be greatly appreciated. I don’t think I want to lose my relationship but I don’t know if I have the will power to save it – I don’t know what to do.

The Answer:

You might be surprised to learn that almost all long term relationships go through this ‘phase’ where everyone seems to get a little lazy. From my experience, it seems to happen somewhere between 18 months and 3 years into the relationship.

Here are some ideas that will help you make the best decision for you…

Does he know how you feel?

Open and honest communication is the most important component of any relationship.

Talk about it! Yes, with him, not with your girlfriends, not with anyone else. It’s absolutely amazing how many lovers simply don’t communicate openly and honestly with one another.

So many guys chat about their love live with their buddies, often as a way of bragging and showing off. And then they ask their guy friends if this or that sex idea would be ok. This is a bad idea for guys and girls. If you’re trying to figure out what sexual experiences to try out, talk with your lover not your buddies.

So, does he know that you crave hot spontaneous sex, or that you get excited by playing a little rough? Guess what, he might like that too! Or he might not, but you’ll never know if you don’t explore this topic together. And by the way, you’ll have a lot of fun and get a lot closer in the process.

Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings and check your ego at the door

It’s a strange thing, but sex partners often get their feelings hurt when one of them suggests trying something new, or doing something a little differently.

Get over it! The point of sex and intimacy is to enjoy each other and be happy together! Unless of course you’re focused solely on making babies – but that’s not the topic of this article…

Getting comfortable and killing your relationship

Complacency, also known as “getting comfortable” is the death knell of so many relationships, it may as well be a full blown epidemic. So many couples strive to “get comfortable”. What that means is they stop trying. And guess what… you stop trying, and your relationship dies. It’s that simple. The excitement and attraction dies, and your relationships becomes a project that you’re always fixing up. That’s no fun.

So how can you add that spice and excitement back into your relationship so that you’re not just lusting after those hot bodies at the gym?

Seduction as a game for lovers – the chase begins anew

The thrill of seduction doesn’t end when you get into a relationship. Why give up such a wonderful thing, even if you could?

Admit it, we enjoy the chase. I know I do and I’m at peace with it. And if you’re not chasing your lover, you’ll end up chasing someone else. We’re just wired that way. So let’s just accept that fact and use it to our advantage.

When was the last time you tried to seduce your partner? …

No, I’m not talking about coming home and saying “hey, let’s go have sex”. Blah! Boring!

I mean dressing up to look your best, wearing something sexy and feeling sexy.

Some of the best and most exciting sex is spontaneous sex, when you’re so wrapped up in the heat of the moment that you just can’t stop from ripping each other’s clothes off! Now that’s excitement. And doesn’t it sound more fun than “hey, let’s go have sex”?

Schedule hot sex dates

You go through the trouble of scheduling lunch and dinner appointments with just about everyone in your life. How about paying at least that much attention to your lover? Make time for that really steamy hot date, and plan accordingly. That way you’ll both be anticipating it all day, or all week.

Make a sex date box

Here’s a neat idea. Get together with your lover and each of you jot down a steamy date idea on a piece of paper and agree that each time you go on a hot steamy date, you’ll pick a card from your special sex date box.

Watch some erotic movies – together

Basic Instinct, Wild Orchid, 9 and 1/2 Weeks – it doesn’t have to be Playboy Porn, just something that gets you excited – trust me – he’ll get excited simply by you being excited.

Go out and buy some hot lingerie – together

What could be more exciting than shopping for hot lingerie together? By the time you’re done, you’ll be well in the mood for a hot sex date.

How about going to an adult toy store – together?

Maybe go visit an adult toy store together. Even if you don’t buy anything, you’re sure to have a lot of fun checking out all the merchandise.

Mix it up with some new sexual adventures

Doing the same old thing over and over again is bound to get boring. You wouldn’t watch the same TV show for the rest of your life, would you?

Try something different. Whether you’re up for a threesome or interested in the wild latex world of BDSM, the same idea applies.

Be open to new experiences. Venture out and keep it exciting.

In summary

• Talk with your partner about sex. Really, make a date to sit down and go over it. Then resolve to always talk about it form then on.
• Check your ego at the door. If your partner makes sex suggestions and you get defensive, then you’re missing the point completely. Get over it and put your partner first. You’ll be glad you did.
• Don’t strive to get “comfortable” in a relationship. If you’re there, break out of it before you doom your relationship for good.
• Bring the excitement of seduction and the chase back into your relationship – fast.
• Actually schedule some hot sex dates with your partner. Really.
• Keep it exciting with some new sexual adventures. Try new things. Open your mind and explore the entire world of sex possibilities.
• For some fresh new sex ideas download Michael Webb’s 500 Lovemaking Tips & Secrets (Read our review here).

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When it was time for him to move, I told him that if he was willing to change his mind, I’d love to stay together and do the long distance relationship, but he was sure it would cause too many problems.  He wanted to keep a friendship and to stay on good terms so a future together might be possible.  Since he moved, we have spoken almost every day.  He flew me to New York for Thanksgiving, and Florida for Christmas so I could meet his family.

It’s been bothering me that he won’t commit to be exclusive with me, so I told him to either stop calling me every day telling me he misses me and giving kisses over the phone, or show me he wants to be with me and be my boyfriend.  I felt like I was giving him the benefits of having a girlfriend, without him having the responsibility of having a girlfriend. He thinks I’m worried too much about the title.  I don’t know what to do because we’re a really great match.

Should I continue to talk to him and stop worrying about the title?

Or should I break up with him and move on to find someone who wants to call himself my boyfriend?

The Answer: I think your boyfriend is very wise and is showing great responsibility by not making promises that he’s not necessarily ready to keep. He told you up front what his expectations were for the relationship – something that a lot of men would not have been strong enough to do.

I agree with him, boyfriend is just a title.  The terms boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, and wife are often used to imply ownership. Titles are for cars, not people. We cannot own or control another person, especially their feelings and emotions - as hard as we may try…

It sounds like he really likes you and that you have a great relationship.

Why does the relationship have to be exclusive for you to enjoy each others company?  If your relationship is strong enough, why not just agree to be completely open and honest with each other. Agree to tell each other if you’re seeing someone else.

Seeing someone else doesn’t mean your relationship has to end. That’s just jealousy rearing its ugly head. Jealousy is an emotion of fear and control. We’re afraid of losing something that doesn’t even belong to us in the first place.

Since you’re so far apart

Why insist you each be lonely and miserable during the times that you can’t be together. Go out and enjoy life, rather than sitting around waiting by the phone. That way when you are together, you can really have fun and enjoy each other without the worry and dread of when it’s going to end and you have to be apart again.

If you’re afraid of losing him to someone else, then you are letting fear and jealousy get in the way of a perfectly good relationship.

Are you ready for a really controversial statement?

“Complete honesty and trust in a relationship is more important than complete monogamy.”

Trust has nothing to do with what someone is doing or who they’re with.

My definition of trust is “knowing that the person you’re with feels comfortable enough with you to tell you absolutely anything without fear of retribution.”

Dan and I have an agreement that if we are ever interested in someone else, we’ll talk about it and if it seems like the right thing to do, then so be it. Isn’t it a little selfish to keep our partner from being happy, just to satisfy our own selfish desires?

“Unconditional, or true love means that you love someone regardless of what they say, do, or feel. Love is something we give, not something we take…”

This is probably not what you’re going to hear from other people, but I recommend not trying to hold on so tight and letting things develop naturally. Enjoy the time you do have together. Life flows much more easily when we stop trying to control other people and make them fit into out tight little boxes. And trust me; we all have our boxes of how we think reality ‘should’ be.

In summary…

• Accept him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
• If you’re going to have a long distance relationship with him, then enjoy it for what it is, see each other when you can, and stop worrying about commitments and what he’s doing when you’re not around.
• When the time is right and you’re BOTH ready, you can make a more serious commitment.
• Worry less about what everyone else says that you should do and follow your heart.

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Dear John,

You probably already know what this letter is about. You’ve seen it coming; I know you have. It’s about us, John. It’s over. I’m leaving you!

Why have you neglected me? Why have you made so many excuses? Your inaction and addiction to procrastination is tearing me apart. I simply must move on…

As you read this entire article from beginning to end, think about not only how it applies to your personal goals, but to your love and family relationships. Have you given them the attention they deserve?

Are You Going To Receive A “Dear John Letter” From Your 2007 Goals?
by Gary Ryan Blair

The genesis of “Dear John” letters can be traced to World War II.

They usually began, “Dear John, I have found someone else whom I think the world of. I think the only way out is for us to get a divorce.” These letters, which broke the hearts and dreams of our servicemen and women, soon became known as “Dear Johns.”

I developed this lesson to provide a different type of “Dear John” letter.

It’s a private note from your hopes and dreams, and it speaks loudly through your subconscious.

I trust it will be powerful enough to get your attention, and more important, compelling enough to get you to take action and make this coming year the best of your life.

The purpose is to provide an outlet, a voice for all of those hopes, dreams, desires, and goals that you’ve neglected. If your goals, hopes, and dreams could talk, what would they say? Let’s hope that they wouldn’t write you the following letter, especially at the end of 2007…

====================================================
Dear John,

You probably already know what this letter is about. You’ve seen it coming; I know you have. It’s about us, John. It’s over. I’m leaving you!

I’ve hung on as long as I could. You’ve got to give me credit for that. I mean, the way you swept me off my feet and talked lovingly about the future we would have together. I have waited so long for your embrace, your attention, and your love.

Why have you neglected me? Why have you made so many excuses? Your inaction and addiction to procrastination is tearing me apart. I simply must move on!

For years, I would get so excited every time you talked about the business we were going to start, the places we were going to visit, and the home on the water where we could watch the sun set every night. My heart would pitter-patter every time you talked about me to other people, only to be let down once again because you were afraid.

John, what are you afraid of? It’s only me! I am your hopes, dreams, and goals. I wanted you as much as you wanted me, but you have left me no choice. I simply must move on!

Please do not attempt to talk your way out of this. The years of indecision and lack of discipline tell me everything I need to know. If you really — and I mean REALLY — wanted me, you would have found a way for us to be together.

I am tired of having my hopes soar so high just to just to see them dashed. I simply must move on!

Time is marching by without us, and my greatest fear is suddenly becoming visible on the horizon. I am so afraid that we could come to the end of our lifetime and never have the chance to really know one another. It breaks my heart to even entertain this thought, but I simply must move on!

Like the Genie that grants three wishes, I wanted to give you your heart’s desire. All I wanted, needed, and asked for was your attention, your devotion, and your willingness to work hard for me. If that was too much to ask for, then I’m sorry. I simply must move on!

All things of value must be earned, and I’ve grown tired of your excuses and lack of patience. On numerous occasions, I was within your grasp, but you quit too soon. Why did you leave me when you were so close?

I’ll let you in on a little secret. Every day I would call out to you, “I am your goal, here I am, come and get me!” I’m curious. Did you ever hear me? I repeated this question day after day, month after month, and year after year. But now, I’ve grown tired of hearing that the timing is not right, that you’re tired, or that someday you’ll get around to it.

It’s now time that I get around to it myself and find someone who is committed, focused, and proactive. I simply must move on!

On behalf of all of your hopes, dreams, and desires, there is something you should know about us. We will never fail you, nor will we ever let you down. The main reason why we have not embraced one another is that you have failed us by not taking action! Why?

Sincerely,
Your Goals
====================================================

Granted, we rarely get that kind of feedback when we slack off on our efforts to achieve. But almost all of us have heard that small voice calling to us, “I am your goal, here I am, come and get me!”

Now’s the time to be planning for 2007.

If you are hearing that voice now, it’s time to reach out and embrace that goal, those dreams and wild aspirations before they get away.

Over the next few weeks be sure to find some time to reflect on the past year, give thanks for your blessings, and most importantly plan for the new year ahead. Remember, life will not go according to plan, if you do not have a plan.

This month presents the ideal time for contemplative thought and careful planning. Invest time and energy to talk with the most important people in your life about goals and dreams for this new year because the last thing you’re going to want to do is receive your own Dear John letter of regret.

And the process begins with having your own Personal Strategic Plan in place to guide you:
http://www.PersonalStrategicPlan.com

Having a strategic plan for your life separates you from the 85% of the people who never accomplish a single resolution they set for themselves.

Click here to discover how to create your own Personal Strategic Plan for 2007 and be confident you will not be receiving a Dear John letter from your hopes and dreams this year.
http://www.PersonalStrategicPlan.com

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Will it bring you greater wealth, better relationships, a healthier body with less fat, and a reduction in your blood pressure…

Or will it be more of the “same old same old”. It all begins with a choice. Make the decision that this year will be better than last year.

Right now, at this moment, you may not know how it will be better or how to make it better… But that’s OK. What does matter is deciding it WILL be better – in fact that it will be the best year, ever, for you.

Success is not an accident. It begins with a well-conceived plan…

If you HOPE to increase your income this year. Or HOPE to pay off debts. Or HOPE to lose weight and get in shape or to find the love of your life…

…then stop right now, you might as well forget about it. It’s not going to happen. Why?

Because HOPE is not a plan.

Maybe your problems or goals involve your business, or your job, or your relationships, or your health, or how you spend your time… or ANY number of the things that make up YOUR life.

The fact is, every successful person I know finally hits the breaking point… where you either overcome your obstacles or be a slave to them forever.

If you want to start a business, increase your income, get out of debt, stop working so much, lose weight, get in shape, quit smoking, pick up a hobby… or whatever it may be… it’s time to take action.

Don’t fall victim to procrastination. Fear. Loss of motivation or whatever else keeps you in check.

If there’s something, or someone, out there you really want. If you want 2008 to be your best year yet… then you must reach out there and grab a stranglehold on your goals.

This is an excerpt from and incredibly gifted and talented man, Gary Ryan Blair. Maybe you’ve heard of him. He is The GoalsGuy and he has created a fool proof way that you can create your Personal Strategic Plan for 2008.

You’ll definitely want to read the following article by Gary!

Create a Personal Strategic Plan!
by Gary Ryan Blair

Success is not an accident. It begins with a well-conceived plan. You can and will achieve more in the next year than you have in the past ten with a disciplined Personal Strategic Plan.

Personal strategic planning is a disciplined thought process, which produces fundamental decisions and actions that shape and guide who you are, where you are going, what you do, and how, when and why you do it. All of this is done with a focus on the future.

The purpose of personal strategic planning is to help you:

- Provide direction, meaning, and purpose for your life.
- Make decisions that positively affect your future.
- Focus your energies on what’s most important.
- Achieve the greatest results in the shortest period of time.
- Significantly increase your level of performance.
- Enjoy more time, money, balance and freedom.
- Eliminate uncertainty, anxiety, doubt and fear.
- Leverage your skills more effectively.
- Enhance your quality of life, and overall peace of mind
- Be more, do more and ultimately to have more from life.

Personal strategic planning is based on the premise that life will not go according to plan, if you do not have a plan.

A successful plan must include the following…

Personal Philosophy: Every person has a personal philosophy, consisting of some rules adopted from one’s parents, culture, religion, acquaintance and so on.

Generally speaking, these rules, as a body are not well thought out and contain a wealth of inconsistencies and contradictions.

Legacy Statement: Your legacy serves as your life’s defining statement. It serves a two-fold purpose. First it provides an overarching framework for all mission statements and goals to follow.

Second it answers the question, “What do I want to be remembered for?”

Mission Statement: A mission statement is a declaration of who you are, why you exist, and what you intend to accomplish.

In business, the organizational mission answers the big question: “What is our business?” In personal planning, the question is “What is my life’s business?” In both cases, the answer must define the reason for being.

Core Values: Our values act as our compass, guiding us through life’s terrain.

One certain way of knowing that you are living in accordance with your values is by defining guidelines and measurements for value centered living.

Code of Ethics: Words quietly influence our attitudes and opinions.

Codes of conduct, personal creeds, and pledges all reflect an effort to make sense of things, to organize behavior, and to better understand ourselves.

Lifetime Objectives: Your objectives should be written within the framework of your Legacy & Mission Statements.

The key to any Personal Strategic Plan is to visualize your desired outcomes in advance. Be sure to write and rewrite your Lifetime Objectives as affirmations of the future you are working to realize.

Goals: The key in writing your goals is to make them measurable, specific, and time-bound.

Goals need to be written for each of the ten critical areas of life to include: Personal, Health, Recreation, Family, Friends, Community, Career, Financial, Household and Spiritual.

Personal Board of Directors: A personal board will accelerate your progress by providing both wisdom and support for the attainment of a specific purpose.

Maintenance & Performance Check-Ups: On a monthly basis, you should pause to evaluate your performance. What progress have you made? Where have your been challenged? What do you need to do differently or more of?

It is also important to step back and consider whether any of your goals are unachievable.

Personal Reason Why: You won’t become successful until and unless you identify, support and empower your reasons why. Your why’s provide fuel for achievement, and are the reasons behind all action and inaction.

The hallmark of all high achievers is a burning why. They know what they want, how and when they will achieve it, but most importantly they know WHY they want to become successful at achieving their goals.

In Summary

You can significantly increase the odds of success, if you know who you are, what you want, where you are going, how you will get there, and what you will do once you arrive.

The best way to predict your future is to create it. Therefore, a well-defined personal strategic plan, properly executed, is your meal ticket to success.

In order to best prepare yourself for success, I am delighted to introduce you to My Goals – Personal Strategic Planning program.

This exciting program is like having an insurance policy on success. It will focus your thinking and challenge you to reach for new heights.

Happy holidays to you and your family, and my very best wishes for a prosperous, joy-filled New Year!

Everything Counts!
Gary Ryan Blair

About the Author: Gary Ryan Blair is a visionary and gifted conceptual thinker. As President of The GoalsGuy he has created a world-class library of products and services which are designed to inspire people to realize their full potential while making the heart sing, the mind expand and the spirit soar. Visit The GoalsGuy Shop for all of your goal setting and life planning needs.

“Gary Ryan Blair is without a doubt a genius when it comes to goal setting and life planning. If someone were to ask me, “How does one figure out what they want out of life?” I would reply ‘Ask Gary Ryan Blair, he is simply the best!’

J. Stephen Lanning, Executive Director – National Association of Business Coaches

“Gary, I can’t thank you enough for your assistance in helping me construct my own personal strategic plan. Your ability to explain in simple but extremely insightful terms the steps in this process was far beyond anything I had expected. You were absolutely correct when saying that the only way to really “Know Thyself” is to ask some extremely pointed questions, answer them with complete honesty, even perhaps if I did not like the answers and then hold myself accountable to the execution of the plan. Thanks a million!

Devin Marks, Project Manager – WorldCom

Gary, I am beside myself…the program was awesome…you ARE The GoalsGuy. I know you hear this a lot…but take it one more time from a guy who runs a company full of personal development hungry people…YOU ARE A PRO and the program you presented was simply the best!

Joe Abraham, President – Bamboo Biz

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During the 4 months we have been seeing each other I’ve kept it a secret that I have anger issues from a head injury I got a couple of years ago. This injury left me with small lesions that affected my mood, memory, and some motor and thinking skills. Even though I’ve been through therapy for it and have gotten somewhat better, I hate telling girls, or anyone else, because I don’t want to use it as a crutch or a sympathy card.

I got so worried after tonight that she was seriously going to dump me that I sent her an email telling her of my ailment. The last girl I dated and told her about it kinda disappeared, so I’m a bit scared what she will do because I really like this girl. I just couldn’t let her keep thinking that I’m a jerk when my anger is only so much in my control.

Should I have told her about the lesions and how they affect me or should I have kept my mouth shut? 

The Answer:

Whether you should have told her or not doesn’t really matter since you already told her. What’s done is done. As a rule I never regret absolutely anything. You can choose to learn from all your choices and experiences and do something different next time, but stay away from regret and self doubt. They only hurt you and lead to uncertainty, which leads to more regrets.

But keep this in mind for the future… You should always talk about a serious or emotional topic in person, never on the phone or via email. In an emotional situation like this, if you really need to get it off your chest, type up that email and then save it in draft or delete it all together. You’ll feel better and will still have the opportunity to let things cool and have a calm chat in person.

From my perspective, full disclosure is a must if you’re considering a long term committed relationship with someone. Otherwise, secrets (small or large) seem to create a heaviness over the relationship because you’re always wondering if the other person will find out. Most likely, your partner will find out anyway because secrets have a way of coming out eventually.

It is however a good idea to wait to share certain intimate details until it looks like the relationship is actually going somewhere. Picture going on a first date with someone and you both go through a laundry list of countless little things that "the other person should know". Most of those are completely irrelevant if you don’t build a relationship. Unless you have a firm foundation and you truly want to be together, none of that stuff really matters… and it could torpedo your chances of getting to know each other.

Regardless of any disability, she was attracted to the person you are today, and the person you’ve been for those four months. Period.

Your best chance to salvage the relationship and keep her is to confront the anger problem aggressively. Start a new anger management therapy program, or whatever else you think will work, and include her. But definitely take action to make it better. That way she’ll see that you truly care for her and you’re serious about making her happy and being with her.

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The Answer:

The horse drawn carriage ride definitely sounds romantic and also very thoughtful. Everyone goes to dinner at some fancy place on their first dates – that’s not special. She’ll appreciate that you actually came up with something creative and romantic.

If you want to stand out from the crowd, always strive to be yourself, to be different… Don’t go on the same dates everyone else goes on, and don’t copy what everyone else does. Do something exciting and memorable, and most importantly – have fun.

Fun and happiness is extremely infections… people just can’t get enough.

One caveat… if she seems at all uncomfortable around you, then it may be best to take her to a more public place place like a restaurant. That way she won’t spend the evening with her guard up and the two of you should have a lot more fun. That’s usually more of a first date issue, but still keep it in mind.

In the end, you two will have to decide together. Tell her what you’re planning and let her choose what she’s most comfortable with. Better yet, brainstorm some ideas together, and come up with fun ideas for future dates. That way you’re way more likely to reach third date and beyond.

A word of caution on the topic of settling down… you’re not there yet. Don’t rush it. If you’re too focused on the end goal of “setting down” you could sabotage the relationship before it takes off by being too pushy or needy. When the time is right and you’re more comfortable around each other (you’ll know when that is…) – talk openly about how you both honestly feel about settling down. Make sure that you have that conversation in a neutral, no pressure environment and be prepared to listen to what the other person has to say.

Take this one day and one date at a time. Enjoy your time with her now and see how your relationship grows and evolves.

You’re definitely on the right track… keep it creative and exciting and fun.

For some fun and really unique date ideas, check out our review of Michael Webb’s excellent guide 300 Creative Dates.

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The Answer:

There are many reasons why he may no longer want to be friends.

Here are some possible reasons why some find it difficult to stay friends after a breakup…

1. He may need time to heal emotionally. It could be painful to see you.
2. He may be seeing someone else and fears that being friends with you may jeopardize his new relationship.
3. If the breakup was difficult, he may be angry at you and need some time to cool off.
4. Being around you may bring up emotions and feelings that he’s trying to suppress.

It could be one of these or a hundred other different reasons and you’ll make yourself crazy trying to guess what that reason is. In the end, the ‘why’ doesn’t really matter because it’s an emotional decision, not a logical decision. When we try to identify the ‘why’, what we’re really doing is trying to come up with a logical explanation for an emotional decision. If you stop and think about this for just a moment, you’ll see why it doesn’t make sense to even try. So whatever the reasons, he’s decided that the two of you can’t be together and you need to face that and move forward with your life.

If you continue to try to figure it out, you’ll just end up blaming and finding all kinds of faults with yourself, which will in turn make you miserable. If you keep pushing him, you could end up spoiling any chance of a future friendship.

So STOP! Yes, right now. It’s time for you to move on with your life and find happiness.

One of the best ways to get over the pain of a relationship that has ended is to get back out there and date some new people – find that connection again.

Contrary to what some people think, we don’t believe it’s necessary to be miserable and alone for a certain period of time after a breakup just to avoid the rebound zone. Being lonely and alone won’t make you or anyone else happy. It’s almost like punishing yourself for no reason.

But what about these rebound relationships that we’re always hearing about? Don’t people warn you to stay away from rebound relationships?

Well, yes and no. Just be aware that when you break up with someone it’s very common to find someone that’s the exact opposite of the last person you were with. More specifically, the exact opposite of whatever you think didn’t like about your previous partner. This is good and bad. It’s good because experiencing many different types of people and relationships allows you to better identify the exact type of person who is really right for you. It’s bad because, this new ‘opposite’ person may also be opposite in all of the things that you actually liked about your previous partner. Just keep this in mind as you find yourself attracted to new people. Stop and ask yourself what it is that you like about him or her and make sure that it’s not just that they are ‘not’ like your previous partner.

By the way, if you do prefer to be alone for a while that’s OK too. It’s your life; you make the rules. Do what feels right in your heart.

Trying to figure out why your last relationship ended isn’t going to help you, it’s only going to make you miserable. So, keep an open mind, call up some friends, and go meet some new people. Listen to the advice of those you trust most and then always, always follow your heart even if it goes against their advice. You are in control of your destiny and what’s right for them may not be what’s right for you.

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Maybe this shouldn’t bother me so much, but it hurts so much whenever I think about how he’s loved multiple girls before me. It just feels like if we broke up, he’d begin dating someone else right away. He promises this wouldn’t happen, but I’m not so sure. It wouldn’t bother me so much if I was his first girlfriend also. I feel like if we end up getting married, I’ll have wanted more dating experience.

I thought I should talk to him about this, but honestly, what good would it do? I can’t change the past, and I’m sure he doesn’t regret dating any of his past girlfriends, but I regret not having had more serious relationships. I thought maybe I could talk to him, and we could take a break for a month. I haven’t said anything to him yet, but I do want to know whether he’d date other girls during that month, or wait for me, proving he loves me.

I know it’s stupid and he shouldn’t have to prove his love. And maybe I’m just being paranoid, jealous, and vindictive… but it hurts, thinking of all his ex-girlfriends. What do you think I should do?

The Answer: First serious relationship or tenth serious relationship, the feelings that you’re feeling are perfectly normal. They’re feelings of ‘wanting control’. We all want to subtly, and some times directly, control other people – our friends, our parents, our boyfriends, our co-workers. We want to make them do, act, and say the things that we feel is best.

The easiest solution here is to try to let go and understand that you simply can’t control another person. You can love them, and they can love you, but you simply cannot ever control them and make them act the way you want them to. This is an illusion that has shattered countless relationships.

One of the biggest underlying problems in troubled relationships today is that people feel like they "own" their partner. This is the real reason behind jealousy and similar types of feelings. The best thing to do is to just allow other people to be themselves and love them for who they are and not who you want them to be.

It doesn’t matter who he’s been with before. It’s those decisions and those relationships that have made him the person you’re in love with. In the same respect, it’s your experiences, or lack of experiences that make you the person that he loves today.

If you want to date other people, then that’s cool. Just be up front about it, talk about it honestly, and make sure that it’s something you both want. But you shouldn’t set a double standard and definitely don’t use it as a test to see what he’d do. If you bring it up and he honors your suggestion, then that’s the deal. Simple. Just be prepared to accept the outcome. If you let the birdie out of it’s cage to see if it’ll fly away… it just might.

I’d stay away from the marriage talk for now. If and when the time is right, you’ll know. Some people get so excited about getting married quickly, we joke that it’s almost like locking in a low mortgage rate… "quick, sign here before the rate goes up".

Guess what? There’s no requirement for every relationship to turn into marriage. In fact, a lot of relationships sour that way because we all grow and change. Many times, we grow and change in different directions, regardless of what the legal marriage document says. It’s a good idea to take enough time to be sure that you’re both growing in the same direction.

Live your lives together, enjoy each other, and be happy on your journey together. Tomorrow will come soon enough and in it’s own time. Until then, enjoy what you have now.

Related Link: Are you just getting back into the dating scene? If you are then come check out a free personals site where you can browse through singles in your area or even find date ideas.

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Match.com is finally taking a page from the social networking playbook and adding "communities" or interest groups, much like MySpace and Facebook have done.

Instead of just plain searching, you can now browse all kinds of communities or "interest groups", from state and major cities, to religion, politics, smoking, etc.

MySpace has done some amazing things for getting people together based on their interests – it’s great to see the online dating sites going that same direction.

If you still haven’t tried Match.com, this could be a great time to take them up on their 3-day free trial. Give it a try.

Have a great day!
Dan & Jennifer

______________________________________
Ask Dan and Jennifer
Authors, Coaches, and Online Dating Insiders
www.AskDanAndJennifer.com

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But something’s changed…

These amazingly popular social networking sites seem to have absorbed a large segment of the grown-up population.

According to Comscore, the nice folks who bring us website stats, the age of the average MySpace user is – get this – between 35 and 54.

“MySpace.com has the broadest appeal across age ranges, Facebook.com has created a niche among the college crowd, Friendster.com attracts a higher percentage of adults, and Xanga.com is most popular among younger teens.  There is a misconception that social networking is the exclusive domain of teenagers, but this analysis confirms that the appeal of social networking sites is far broader.”

You can get down and dirty details from the ComScore press release here:
     http://www.comscore.com/press/release.asp?press=1019

So, we’re not talking mostly college kids, but rather a majority of people who are over 35. Go figure.

Of course, there’s been a lot of back and forth between the "in the know" and the "wanna be in the know" people (a.k.a. "experts") on this for the last week or so.

The truth is probably somewhere in between, but the bottom line remains – MySpace isn’t just for your kids anymore.

Don’t be shy – leave a comment on this post and tell us what you think.

Have a great day!
Dan & Jennifer

______________________________________
Ask Dan and Jennifer
Authors, Coaches, and Online Dating Insiders
www.AskDanAndJennifer.com

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Did you know there’s a famous Top 100 websites list… that is determined by readers?

It’s the Technorati Top 100 blogs. And get this…

Our AskDanAndJennifer.com blog is the first and only dating and relationship website there!

Dan and I are asking you to vote for our AskDanAndJennifer.com advice column now, because we have a personal goal to break into the Top 20 of that special websites list.

We really appreciate your help on this. It’s really quick and easy, I promise, but important to us. Not to mention the warm, tingly, gratifying feeling of helping us reach our goal.

It takes less than 2 minutes, and you can even stay anonymous – it just asks you to pick a login ID and enter your email to prevent duplicate voting.

I just checked and we only need about 60 more votes to reach our goal!

Please take just 2 minutes to vote us to the Top 20 now!

Here’s what you’ll be doing…

• First, Click here to create an account on that site (it’s really easy – and you can stay anonymous)
  http://technorati.com/faves?add=http://www.AskDanAndJennifer.com
  

• Second, Click the link below to actually do the voting (to add our blog to your Technorati Favorites)
  – and push the confirm button when it asks you if you’re sure you want to do that
  http://technorati.com/faves?add=http://www.AskDanAndJennifer.com

Thank you!

To your abundant success and happiness,
Dan and Jennifer

P.S. Let us know when you’ve voted - we have a special surprise waiting for you. You won’t want to miss this.

P.P.S. WAIT – do Not close this message, do Not pass Go, do Not collect $200.
You’ll want to scroll back up and vote…

P.P.P.S. Please think of at least 2 friends and forward this email to them so that they can be part of this incredible Grassroots effort!

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Lies are always good for the short term and bad for the long term. Singles need to hold themselves to a higher standard of integrity. I advise anyone who goes on a date and finds themselves in front of a liar to immediately excuse themselves from that date. "Sorry, I’m not comfortable continuing with this date because you lied to me. It was a pleasure meeting you however. Thanks, bye." 

This should include lies about age, weight, pictures which are significantly inaccurate/photoshopped.  Lies are the BANE of this industry. A huge detriment. I highly, highly recommend site owners to advise their users to represent themslevs in their best possible light within the realms of complete honesty. 

One of the reasons services like Great Expectations and The Right One are doing well, and charging thousands of dollars, is because their clients expect to see truthful profiles and know, truly, who they are meeting before their first date. Less surprises, means more value to clients.  Higher integrity leads to higher profits…in the long run.  – Mark Brooks

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Don’t spend hours of wastedtime searching all over the internet trying to find out about online dating. 

We have compiled everything, and I do mean everything that you need to know to meet your perfect partner online!

"Online Dating – Finding Love Online" 5 Proven Strategies for Success and The Top 5 Things You Should Never Put In Your Profile

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http://www.online-dating-tips-and-guide.com

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