When You CAN Be More Polite

1). We tend to be most casual with the people we know best. The relationships in which we’re most comfortable – where we’ve known the other person for a long time, where they’ve seen us at our best and worst – tend to be the places where we are most open about our feelings and frustrations. These dynamics are usually within marriages, long-term relationships, or with family members. Being open with our feelings is a crucial part of having a functioning relationship, but too often, we unburden ourselves from the stresses of the day without giving a second thought for how disrespectful this could be to the other person. We let our true colors show, for better or for worse, and the people we’re the most comfortable with often become the people we unleash upon. When we find ourselves tending toward these extremes, we could benefit from being more respectful, and yes – a bit more polite. But then there’s the other extreme.

When You SHOULDN’T Be More Polite

2). We walk on eggshells with our partner. This can be due to many things: we were taught to be overly polite toward everyone; we haven’t learned to be ourselves around our partner; we’re afraid of what the other person might think; we’re afraid of the intimacy that honesty could bring. Whatever the reason – some being more drastic than others – the result tends to be the same: when a relationship is too polite, both people suffer. Avoiding confrontation, bottling up true feelings, refusing to communicate honestly – all these things can have damaging results . Things can sometimes even end in an affair, if either or both parties feel they can’t be themselves around their significant other.

Finding The Balance

Obviously both of these situations have major flaws. To deal with both of these problems, couples must learn to communicate openly about things that bother you, things you’re struggling with, things that stress you out. You can start out by using what I call “Smart Heart Skills and Dialogue,” which I talk about in my book, “Adultery the Forgivable Sin.” The idea is to provide a safe place where each person can feel comfortable talking about their fears and frustrations. These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict. This may start out as basically as telling your partner you HAVEN’T been communicating these feelings and asking them to be patient with you while you learn how to go through this process. It may involve treating eachother with more respect, and being more mindful of the problems at hand during heated arguments.

The solution is not to avoid fighting, but to learn to fight fair.

Related articles:

1. Marriage Essentials – The Top 3 Non-Negotiables For Lasting Nuptials
2. I’m In A Bad Marriage – Should I Stay? (Video)
3. Afraid To Talk To Your Partner? Here’s a Step By Step Guide to Overcoming Your Fears…
4. How to Approach Relationships After Break Up or Divorce (Video)
5. Avoid Power Struggles In Your Relationship And Learn To Fight Fair

I have no idea what the laws are in Texas about this, but in Connecticut, apparently, you have to return the ring if you decide not to marry. But of course, if you do marry, the ring is yours to keep.  Hmm, maybe in some states there is a statute of limitations on that, say if you are only married a year or less you have to give it back. I don’t really know.

I do know that the divorce rate in this country is at 36% (2008 US Census Report) currently and that the average first marriage lasts only 8 years! In 1964, marriages lasted, on average 34 years.  The whole concept of a “Starter Marriage” has erupted only in the past ten years. 

This is not a rant against getting married. I am all for it, in fact I have done it three times. I like the idea of being in a complete partnership with the person I love. Problem is most of us don’t have a clue how to do it and would rather spend (or have spent on our behalf) $25,000 on an engagement ring than to spend a dime on how to make the relationship work.

Divorce or Work It Out?

Whether you are married or just in a committed relationship you will understand what I mean. Intimacy is difficult and a marriage partnership is even harder. Most of us have come from “broken homes” ourselves (about 5,000 kids a year are affected by divorce). So how in the world are we to know how to have a committed, intimate connection?

Most of us try to wing it and listen to love songs and romance movies and think we can make it. We hope we are different from our parents and others we know. We watch our friends suffer through divorce and blame it on either a bad choice or bad luck. We hope we will be different.

Fantastical Impracticality

What other project in our lives do we take on with such fantastical impracticality? Most of know we have to be educated to be successful at tasks we expect to succeed at, yet in the most important area of our lives we are searching the internet for ideas on how to enhance our marriage and have never spent an hour with professionals.

Now, I am not promoting the idea of therapy for everyone since its not practical for some of us. Not having enough money for it is one thing. Not having the ability to determine how to find someone qualified is another. My husband had a series of traumatic experiences with therapists.

But, just like there are differences in the quality of education you get as a professional in any field, the advice you get for your relationship can vary dramatically even if you get it from professionals.

The internet abounds with tips on sex, intimacy, romance and promises to “keep your man” or “prevent a divorce”. Some of them may be very practical and helpful. 

What to Look For When Getting Advice

Whatever you choose to do it is important that you look for a number of things before you jump in and take the wrong advice:

1. What are the qualifications of the person? This can take the form of their own experience (been together and worked through their problems together, divorced and remarried having learned some things along the way,  are a professional with valid credentials, etc.)
2. Do you know anyone who has tried their suggestions? Get some testimonials!
3. Intimacy cannot be achieved with a quick fix and don’t believe any promises to the contrary.
4. Don’t expect that just because it worked for someone else it will absolutely work for you, you and your circumstances are different.
5. Don’t give up just because it appears to be hard work; anything worth having takes hard work to achieve.
6. Do you have problems letting someone close and you know it, yet keep trying to make it work? Work on your own issues first. You don’t have to be “fixed” but you do need to have the ability to let some one in at least to some degree!

Basically it comes down to this; educating yourself about how to make your relationship work long term (if that is what you want) is more important than spending $25,000 on an engagement ring, on a wedding, on a wedding gown or a on a fancy honeymoon. All of that is romantic and fun but if the marriage doesn’t last it will be bittersweet in the end.

Related articles:

1. Thinking Of Tying The Knot? 5 Tips To Make Sure You Stay Together
2. I’ve Shown My Commitment to Him. Now Why Won’t He Propose? (Video)
3. Why You’d Be Crazy To Get Married Before You’re 30
4. Is It EVIL to Say I Love You with No Intention of Getting Married? (Video)
5. Thinking About Breaking Up Or Getting A Divorce? Try This First…

Do you try to make it work?  Do you try to leave, or get a divorce? Do you just leave well enough alone and try to be happy, even though you realize the rest of your life will be like that? 

It can be even more difficult to sort through if you don’t have any support. Where do you start?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

 

Hallo, I’ve been married for 8 years. My husband cheated on me recently and he never showed any guilt & never said sorry. I feel so much pain in my heart, I can’t trust him anymore, and he just goes out everyday after work to drink.  I strongly feel I need a divorce but I don’t know how I will be able to take care of my 2 kids. I don’t have a job. My friends tell me to stay until I can manage on my own but I can’t see myself surviving. I thought of having a boyfriend but I don’t seem to get any maybe coz I’m no longer attractive or I look old. I’m only 30 y.o. I hope you can get me a male friend who is a Christian too and in a bad relationship like I am who can take me in and love me for who I am.  I really want out, Please help me.

 

– Hellen, South Africa

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