Ask Dan and Jennifer » marriage

Pre-Wedding Jitters Vs. Second Thoughts

Pamela Smale Williams LPC — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:00:18 +0000

The ring has been chosen and placed on the bride-to-be’s left hand, a symbolic representation of the circle of love that will follow and is accompanied later by the glorious wedding band that tells us she is dedicated to her husband. Showers, parties, wedding plans and in law problems start to arise. Schedule conflicts, budget concerns, honeymoon dilemmas, housekeeping questions…. these seem small in comparison to the ultimate major conundrum, “do I know what I’m getting into”? Either bride OR groom may be asking themselves this very question and then wondering if it’s even OK to be wondering about the question

What Are Pre-Wedding Jitters?

For a working definition I define “jitters” as being the normal questions one has about the immediate and long-term changes in the indivual’s lifestyle that go along with the act of becoming a partnership or committed couple.

Normal questions may include:

Is this what I want for myself in my way of interacting with the world in ways that must include my spouse to be?
Is this person capable of meeting my needs and desires on a basic and reliable condition or duration?
Can I hold up my end of being available to my future mate’s desires and needs and be prepared to maintain the behaviors involving that with a consistency that will honor and satisfy the other person?

What Types Of Feelings Come With Pre-Wedding Jitters?

“Jitters” generally apply to feelings of anxiety or nervousness. If it’s more a sense of “dread” or “terror” you have exceeded the intensity of this merely being ‘pre-change commitments’. Find out what it is that specifically has you “over the top with your fears” and address it immediately. Seek help from experts and not family members or friends—they can’t be objective in this situation no matter how hard they may try or offer to be. If you do get their advice at least weigh it against another qualified and objective source!

What Are Examples Of Pre-Wedding Jitters?

Illustrated in previous question and often demonstrated by typical signs of anxiety…pre-occupation on the topic of concern, physiological changes such as increased heart rate, shallow breathing, and “feeling on edge”. You may find yourself having difficulty concentrating, becoming more clumsy, forgetful, and possibly even shorter temper as you are interrupted from your normal course of routine—which is often already changing due to the social events and obligations that go along with Today’s matrimonial demands. Anxiety without a clear focus and no specific behaviors you object to or traits that you worry about-this would indicate just a generalized fear in the whole idea of being married.

What Should You Do If You Have Pre-Wedding Jitters?

Practice relaxation techniques…deep breathing, meditation, yoga, or exercise. Talk to your partner and ask if he/she is having any of the same concerns. Seek reassurance from that person. If your jitters decrease as you “vent” about it, you will likely have less cause for the continued reaction. Allow for some nervousness as being a normal adaptation to change. TALK it out or use a piece of paper and write about it, just get it out! These are usually feelings that can be purged and decreased with openness and time.
What are some signs or signals that a bride/groom is having second thoughts about getting married?

Second thoughts – we’ll define here as actual true doubts that are bothersome enough to illicit the individual to actually question their fiancé’s traits, lifestyle, behaviors, and have a high level of concern about specific areas of the relationship. As compared with “jitters” where an individual is simply wondering if the idea of marriage is right for them and if this is a good choice they have made in selecting a mate.
With this as our working definition, I offer the following:

What Should The Bride/Groom Do If He/She Is Having Second Thoughts?

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A Big Mistake Newlyweds Make

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:00:46 +0000

“Most power conflicts in intimate relationships occur when one partner tries to treat the other as a child, mother, or father.” - Bert Hellinger

Over the weekend, I watched as newlyweds innocently tore at their relationship when he treated her like she was his mom and she treated him like he was her little boy.

At one point, someone needed him for something and as he was finished with his coffee, he handed his empty cup to his wife and said, “Here, honey.” As he left to go where he was needed she said derisively, “Thanks, for giving me your trash, honey!” It caught him off guard as he did a double take. But he didn’t try to remedy the situation.

Later, as they were seated and talking to someone nearby, she reached up and scrubbed his head the way you’d treat a little boy. I mean a little guy – someone at least younger than nine years old if not at least younger than five, actually! He shrunk from her touch, ducking and scowling while gently growling, “Don’t do that!” His dignity was compromised but he attempted to protect hers even as he told her to stop.

Treating Your New Spouse Like A Child

When he handed his wife his empty cup, he may as well have said, “Here, mom!” It’s what kids do with their mothers. She didn’t like being treated like a mother by her man; but then later, she treated him like a youngster.

There are a number of dynamics occurring here. This relationship is several years old and included the two of them living together, but the marriage isn’t yet six months old. Something changes in a relationship when the marital knot is tied. It doesn’t matter how enlightened you may be nor does it matter how committed you were to each other before you got married, something concrete shifts in your relationship dynamics when you wed.

One reason this shift happens is because once you are married; you become family to one another. That legal bond is deeply affecting. When you become family, the relationship is at a new stage where natural and understandable mistakes happen. One of these is dropping into a pattern of demonstrating love the way you were loved by your parents.

Doing Away With Your Sex Drive

It’s the darndest thing and completely annoying; because when you show each other love the way your parents loved you, it pours cold water on your desire for each other. No healthy man wants to make love to his mother or daughter and no healthy woman wants to make love to her father or son. So, when you try to fill those roles with each other, it dampens your sex drive.

When you treat each other like children or parents in public places, you humiliate yourselves, creating resentment. This also does nothing for your sex drive towards each other!

Another way getting married affects a relationship is that in a marriage, life just works easiest when there is a leader and a follower. I think we instinctively know this and so when we wed, we create power struggles to determine who will lead and who will follow. Treating each other like a child or parent is one of the fastest ways to engage in a power struggle to determine who will come out on top.

Treating Your Partner Like…A Partner

As a leading expert on the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, I can assure you that the newlywed game of treating each other like children (or parents) is chronic. It takes vigilance to bring it to a halt. The only way to do it is to treat it like a bad habit. Even if it is a brand new habit born of the newness of the relationship, treat it like an old habit because it’s something that has a hold of you in a deep place inside. It will not give up the fight easily!

You will begin by catching yourself after the offensive act or remark. It may be days and days of catching yourself after the fact before you can catch yourself in the middle of it. Once you are catching yourself in the middle of treating him or her like a child or parent, just stop right there. You can tell each other what you hope to accomplish. I promise, your effort will be appreciated!

One fine day, you will find that you catch yourself before you belittle your man or confuse your woman with your mother. That will be a fine day indeed! Keep up the good work and a time will arrive when it just doesn’t happen anymore. By then your respect and cherishing of one another will have grown with multiple benefits besides!

That “Mothering” Tone Of Voice And Behavior Does Not Work For A Man: Which Means It Doesn’t Work for You!

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 00:49:54 +0000

“How can we have a loving relationship with anyone if we spend most of the time thinking about how awful it (the relationship) is?” ~ Joseph Bailey

I found that awesome quote online today along with a woman’s wonderful response to it. She talked about how she used to disrespect her husband and denigrate her marriage. As a Christian, she’d come to understand that words have the power of life and death in them. It’s a powerful push to take responsibility for every word that proceeds from your mouth! She said she was learning how to uplift and encourage her husband, sowing seeds of positive potential in herself, her husband, and their marriage. She also said it was working.

Are You Mothering – And Emasculating – Your Man?

The other day, I overheard some young women discussing their men. Some were married and others were in committed relationships. But they were all complaining about two things. One was how they themselves have no faith in their men that their men can do anything around the house, yard, or in any context of their lives together “right.” So, they were complaining about the narrowness of their own viewpoints. The other thing they were complaining about is how their men can do nothing around the house, yard, or in any context of their lives together right! They saw the problem in themselves but, ultimately, refused to take full responsibility for it.

As they continued to share, I overheard women talking about their men using emasculating, mothering tones of voices. As they reported conversations they’d had with their men, it quickly became apparent that they used those tones of voices face to face with their men. Even I, one of the leading experts on the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, found it astonishing that these women had no idea how they sounded or what kind of damage those mothering tones of voices do to their relationships.

One of the women shared how her husband sometimes told her that he didn’t want to hear her talk to him that way anymore. He didn’t want her constant correcting of him or how he ran his life. In about a second, she shifted from overbearing mother figure to fragile, little girl defending her actions and words because this is the only way she knows how to love. The problem right there is that this woman only knows how to relate to her man, probably to all men, as either a mother or a little girl. She isn’t fully established in her femininity, in her grown up woman self. Sadly, she is clueless about the problem or how to fix it.

The solution is simple but requires self-discipline. If you are a woman like this or if you are in a relationship with a woman like this; pay attention. The following advice could change your life!

See Your Man In A Whole New Light – And Improve Your Relationship

First of all, stop using the mothering tone of voice. Your upbringing may have taught you that you are superior to men, but that was a lie. You are not. Continuing to believe you are will result in further damaging your relationship and any chance of being truly happy in a relationship.

Secondly, stop believing he cannot do it right. Whatever “it” is, his way is as valid as yours. It doesn’t matter if you are more efficient, experienced, neat, tidy, etc. His way is as valid as yours.

Third, actively practice choosing to sit still, keep quiet, and trust him. Treat him like the adult he is, as the adult you are. You may rediscover how funny, mysterious, and lovely the opposite sex can be.

Those three things are easier said than done. That is why it takes self-discipline to make a difference in this particular circumstance. But it can be done. You will find that every time you succeed, you feel that explosive giggle threatening to erupt, exposing your relief to not have to be in control! More importantly, every time you fail, you will discover another opportunity to try again is right around the corner. You are used to delivering a scolding, mothering tone of voice to the person you hold most dear – a person who is a grown man and not a little boy. Beware of turning that scolding tone on yourself. The fourth step that underpins the first three is to release the need to judge you yourself harshly. It will help you cease judging everyone else harshly too.

Life is too short for so much control and harshness ruling your life! Go for the gold in your relationship. That means choose love, compassion, understanding, and fulfillment for yourself and the pair of you. You, he, and your relationship are worth it.

Do You Have Both Feet in Your Relationship?

Wendy Strgar — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:49:29 +0000

Although I don’t remember the exact day that I pulled the one foot that I had out the door back into my marriage, today, celebrating 24 years of marriage, I can’t remember the last time that it occurred to me that I would ever leave.

It seems like I should remember when that change took place as it so profoundly changed the very fabric of what we were doing together, but like most things in life that are daily, we don’t see them as they are happening. They are clear as we look back.

The Not So Fairy Tale Marriage

We never had a fairy tale marriage, and in fact anyone who claims to have one is probably either not really present or honest. Our love for each other was uneven and the common issues of attraction and initiation- who wanted who, first and more, plagued our ability to connect for years.

The classic, “I am not in the mood” or “I am tired” responses create a cycle of defensive and offensive reactions that is almost like a pre-patterned dance. It’s a scenario that many couples just don’t have enough language to find their way out of.

In hindsight, I know now, that there is no winning side to that argument, but whichever side is your familiar view can color your lens so completely that the other side seems like a holiday. The shame of rejection is really no better than the guilt of turning away.

The pain is equal. I have read that the rejecting partner is the more powerful of the two, but having been on both sides, I don’t think its true- both sides make you unable to connect and leave you feeling equally powerless in having the relationship that you really want.

Choosing The Relationship

Two things transpired in my marriage to lift this issue and allow us to experience sexual desire with out the burden of fear and unmet longing. The first one was choosing my relationship without reservation. Being in my marriage with both feet in the door,

I had a lot more balance and flexibility that gave me more room and ease in dealing with the issues that kept me distant and disconnected. When I gave myself permission to truly stay, to not be looking for the reasons to leave, it changed my relationship to both the issues and my husband.

Finding True Forgiveness

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The Best Years are Yet to Be, if You Allow It…

Elaine Williams — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 13:47:01 +0000

Recently I was asked to describe the best years of my life. When I was younger, I remember summers going on seemingly forever. What wonderful times, playing tag or touch football until dark with the neighborhood kids, staying out until you had to come inside to take a bath and jump into bed. Endless, wonderfully carefree summer days.

Marriage and Babies

Marriage and the subsequent birth of my three boys followed. Each of their births is etched indelibly upon my memory. My oldest arrived two weeks early, dark haired and perfect, a little miniature human being. Always active and a handful, but a wonderful, compassionate person who turned 24 this year.

My middle son arrived screaming, as if he could hardly wait to enter the world. He was the head banger. If he fell, he always managed to hit his head. Following his speedy arrival, he’s been laid back ever since and has a wonderful, dry sense of humor. That was a memorable 22 years ago.

My youngest son was a real surprise when I discovered myself pregnant at 35. We were whisked into the delivery room with only twenty minutes to spare. He arrived screaming, eager to see what was going on. I’ll never forget the moment my husband looked at me and said, “You make beautiful babies.” That beautiful baby is now 16.

The best years and memories are scattered so delightfully throughout my life, and most center around family. At times the images arrive in vivid, fresh detail, as if I’m looking at a photo album.

The Unthinkable

When my husband died, there was a long time I didn’t think I’d ever be able to say “the best years of my life” again. I felt stuck, emotions running from lonely and confused to isolated. I tried to understand, but many days I felt as if I was drifting with no purpose or passion.

In a gradual process, the darkness lifted. Five years later, I realize there are many days that I will be able to look back and say, “These are some of the best years of my life.” I have become so much more empowered from the experiences I’ve been given, managing to take something good out of each “sad” experience.

I now find it exciting, knowing there is so much before me, and some of the best years of my life are yet to come.

Don’t Let A Financial Downturn Cause Financial Infidelity in Your Relationship

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 13:39:29 +0000

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m calling this economic crisis "Financial 9/11." And it’s obvious that this downturn has been around for awhile, and may be here to stay for quite some time.

A report was recently released that the recession is said to have started this time last year. Meaning we’ve already been experiencing a decline for nearly a year.

Not to start this article off on a down note, but it can be hard to keep spirits up, especially during the holiday season, when news like this hits the airwaves. So how can you avoid committing financial infidelity in this tough economic times?

Avoid Financial Infidelity

Those who end up falling into financial infidelity are often seeking to duplicate the euphoric feelings of "falling in love." They are trying to re-create their feelings, maybe not specifically with adulterous affairs, but by other means, including out-of-control shopping, or other risk-taking behaviors.

It may seem counter-intuitive that someone would "binge-shop" during tough financial times or that a person would actively seek out risk, but the satisfaction that is felt from this "quick fix" can appear to be worth the risk or the cost.

Talk to Your Partner

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication. I touch on various types of relational/financial communication in my book, Financial Infidelity, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances.

You could engage in Smart Heart dialogue where you use a transition in life to ask crucial questions and uncover you and your partners ideas about money. You could focus on your "Imago," the way you look at money based on your past both as an individual and as a couple.

Don’t Let Stress Get to You

The important this is to not let the stress get the better of you and to keep engaging each other in honest conversation. It’s hard not to let these conversations escalate, but it’s important to keep a neutral tone so that each person feels comfortable talking about their concerns:

*Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings. Truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your "agenda."

*Detach from your emotions. Try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.

After a fair and productive conversation, remember things that each person need to work on, in order to avoid financial infidelity or a need for thrill-seeking behavior.

The People You Love – Giving The Benefit Of The Doubt Even When It Feels Like The Last Thing You Want To Do

Wendy Strgar — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 14:26:51 +0000

Here’s a new years resolution that anyone can keep. Give the people you love, starting with yourself, the benefit of the doubt.

Generally speaking and almost without exception most of us are doing the best that we can at any given moment. We are being as loving as we can be, as kind as we can be, as generous as we can be, even though our best might not make it, even and especially in our own eyes.

The People We Love Sometimes Bring Out the Worst in Us

This was brought home to me in a deep and personal way as I spent the holidays with my original family. Although the visit did not include any storming out or other traumatic arguments that suggested the end of the relationship, the very lack of them and what was left over made the reality of the relationship clear.

It was a bittersweet departure, with this realization of what was left between us, and our agreement to not try to be understood or provoke a healing in all the old wounds.

My fifteen year old son commented that my mother did not bring out the best in me. He loves his newfound wisdom and I could not argue the point.

Sometimes the love we can express doesn’t bring out the best in us, and although we may wish to be kinder and more loving the reality of the past and all the baggage that is visceral in us allows only the benefit of the doubt to protect us.

Seeing the Limits of Our Capacity to Love

It is a humbling realization. To see the limits of one’s own capacity to love so clearly and still try to come to a place of loving oneself. This is actually our only choice and in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. in his speech “Where do we go from here?”

He calls this creative redemptive love “ultimately the only answer we have as a human family.” This redemptive love, which is far from the way we idealize loving relationships, is what we are given to build family and community with. It has to be enough.

When Love Brings Out the Best in Us

With many people in my life, loving them brings out the best in me. I am inspired by my ability to give generously of my time and resources. It is comforting and easy for me to accept even my weaknesses when I am with these heart connections.

Needing to Give the Benefit of the Doubt

I don’t have to think about giving the benefit of the doubt so much in these relationships because they make me feel strong and, on good days, confident.

But what this new year taught me is that until I can embrace the relationships where I am weakest, and meaner than I want to believe, I can’t fully embrace the rich heart connections because all those parts of me live in me and can’t be neatly separated by the quality of the relationship.

In fact the more complex the relationship the more likely that the benefit of the doubt is the only thing that can sustain us living on this little blue planet spinning in space.

Next Time You Have A Breakdown In Communication, Consider This…

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 14:26:28 +0000

When a woman falls in love with a man, he makes her feel safe, protected, and cherished. She makes him feel seen and respected. These gifts we give each other satisfy ancient longings housed in our biology. They are why we trust each other so quickly, connect so deeply, and start planning for the future!

Moving From Trust & Fulfillment to Irritation & Frustration

At some point, couples move from this position of trust and fulfillment to irritation and frustration. It is as if a pendulum swings them back and forth, sometimes against their will. Maybe it begins with simple things.

For instance, one is a slob and the other is a neat freak. These differences started out being cute but aren’t anymore! Eventually, she will drive him nuts wanting to talk about the relationship.

He will make her worried and insecure withdrawing at every attempt she makes to talk. Before you know it, they feel like enemies to each other either some of the time or all of the time.

Breakdowns in Communication

The next time your relationship suffers from a breakdown in communication, consider what drew you to each other in the first place. For her, feeling safe, protected and cherished satisfy deep, fundamental needs. For him, feeling seen and respected satisfies deep, fundamental needs.

Instead of putting your attention on what you are not getting from your partner, put your attention on what you once gave and try giving it again.

Personality Conflicts and Communication

My husband, Joseph, and I have a personality conflict that contributes to breakdowns in communication. It has occurred to me that addressing the personality conflict isn’t the way to improve the situation.

If we go there, we will wind up monitoring each other and/or ourselves, adding to the frustration and contributing to an even bigger breakdown! Instead, focusing on what we originally gave each other in this situation might just save us a lot of heartache.

What the Personality Conflict Looks Like

The personality conflict looks like this. I have a very active mind. Whenever anyone speaks to me, they are intruding on my thoughts. This means that for the first few seconds of conversation, I am in two places at once in my mind. I’m finishing up my thoughts and beginning to pay attention to the person speaking to me.

Things can get lost in translation because of my active mind!

In addition, my sharp mind prefers details. Instead of telling me something like, “That was the best hamburger I’ve had in a long time,” when it’s been a couple of days since that hamburger was eaten; I prefer more details such as, “Remember when we ate at the Stony Knob Diner last week and I had a hamburger and fries?

That was the best hamburger I’ve had in months. We need to go back there soon!” I realize people don’t talk like that. Folks pick and choose from hundreds of thoughts to share and often begin mid-sentence. I speak like that because details matter to me. See, it’s just a personality issue.

It Isn’t Personal

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Understanding the Sex-Money Connection…

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 19:01:25 +0000

Money and sex are more closely tied than you may have first suspected, and there’s scientific research to back that up. A new brain-scan study showed that when young men were shown erotic pictures, they were more likely to take a bigger financial gamble than if they were shown a picture of something scary.

Perhaps not-so-surprisingly, the arousing pictures lit up the same part of the brain that also lit up when financial risks are taken.

The Sex and Money Study

The study involved 15 heterosexual young men at Stanford University and focused on the sex and money “hub” of the brain, which is near the base of the brain and plays a central role in what you consider to be pleasurable.

When the erotic images activated that hub, the men were far more likely to bet high on a random chance game that would earn them either a dollar or a dime.

The Triggers

Stanford psychologist Brian Knutson, a lead author of the study, says the trigger doesn’t HAVE to be sex. It could just as easily be something like a winning lotto ticket, good food or delicious dessert. Basically, he says, it’s all about the power of emotion and arousal and our financial decisions.

“It didn’t matter if the sexy woman didn’t tell you anything about the odds of winning a roulette game,” he explained. “What really matters is that the sexy woman is having an emotional impact. That bleeds over into your financial decisions.”

Part of a fulfilled life and relationship is keeping these emotional triggers, whatever they may be, from spilling over into your financial decisions too much. Letting sex, or food, for example, affect your financial relationship can have a severe impact on your emotional relationship. As I talk about in my book, Financial Infidelity, what typically leads to multiple types of infidelity, whether it be sexual, financial, emotional, etc, is a need for a thrill.

Thrill Seeking Behavior

Thrill seeking behavior, as this study shows, can be triggered by sex or sexual images and the reasons at at the root of this behavior can often be tied to stress and fear.

When it comes to financial infidelity, one person may use money or shopping to relieve the stress of a bad day at work, a fight in a relationship, any one of a number of things. These things are similar triggers to what can cause a sexual affair, as well.

The bottom line is, there are behaviors going on behind the back of one of the partners. Obviously honesty is important, and it’s VERY important to be honest and not let the stresses, problems and temptations in your relationship get to the point of an infidelity! Learning how to talk through things you face, both as an individual and a couple, can be crucial to building a strong relationship.

Should You Stay In A Sexless Marriage? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 19:21:41 +0000

Many marriages go through tough, rocky times. Whether you’re emotionally distant with your partner or you’ve physically stopped being intimate, going through difficult times with your partner can be frustrating and hurtful.

If you and your partner have stopped having sex, whether you’re emotionally distant or not, should you stay in a sexless marriage for the sake of staying in the marriage?

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Staying Together For The Kids

Many married couples believe that it’s better to be unhappy in a marriage and stay together if they have children. They believe that raising their children in a traditional, nuclear family is the best way to go, whether they’re happy as a couple or not.

Many couples will simply grow apart but continue to stay married and live together for the sake of the children? Is this the best idea? Probably not. Married couples that are unhappy, fighting and emotionally divorced have just as much effect on children as physically divorced couples.

No matter what you decide to do, it’s going to have an effect on your children. In fact, it probably already has up to this point. Your biggest decision now is how to proceed. What will impact the children in the most positive way?

If you and your partner are constantly fighting or are so emotionally distant that it appears to your children that you can’t stand each other, there’s really no compelling reason to stay married. Your children will most likely be better off if you’re divorced, spending equal time with happier and more confident parents, even if you are apart.

Why Is The Marriage Sexless?

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Discover How The Foods You Eat Affect Your Performance In Bed!

Edward White, author The Orgasm And Ejaculation Control Guide — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 13:09:22 +0000

What you eat at the dinner table has a massive effect on how well you perform in the sack, and that’s a fact.

The length of your performance, the quality of your sexual technique and even the strength and reliability of your erections are all, to some degree or another, controlled by the foods you eat on a daily basis.

I know that’s a bold statement. But think of the relationship between your food and your sexual performance like the fuel used by your car.

Put the wrong type of gas in and, if you’re lucky, you’ll just about splutter a few feet, for a few seconds.

Eat the wrong foods and your sexual performance will be similarly impacted: you’ll conk out sooner and generally perform more poorly than if you were eating the best things, most of the time.

Okay, the question’s been posed: What can you eat to boost your sexual prowess? And how can the foods you consume improve your ability to put in, time and time again, a powerful and multi-orgasmic sexual performance for you and the woman you’re with?

First on the menu: Sexual Super-foods.

Sexual super-foods are the absolute best things you can eat to help you out in the bedroom, because they contain chemicals, fibers and vitamins that are all suited to boosting and improving your body in relation to love-making.

There are 7 different sexual super-foods, each containing a different selection of natural ingredients and therefore each targeting different areas of sexual skill. I’m going to tell you about one of them right now.

The blueberry is a sexual super-food often referred to as ‘nature’s little blue pill’ because of its remarkable similarities to the wonder drug ‘Viagra’. However, unlike ‘Viagra’, blueberries are cheap, readily available and able to be consumed in bulk!

The beauty of blueberries in regards to maximizing your sexual ability lies in what they contain. Firstly, they’re loaded with soluble fiber, which helps push excess cholesterol through your digestive system before it can be broken down, absorbed and deposited in your arteries.

They’re also packed with compounds that help relax your blood vessels and improve circulation throughout your body. The benefit of lower cholesterol and improved blood flow is more blood to you penis during sex and firmer erections as you get older. To harness the powers of this sexual super-food, which include stronger, longer lasting erections, pop a handful of blueberries into a fruit smoothie a couple of times a week.

Next on the menu: General nutrition and Health.

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I’m In A Sexless Marriage! What Happened? (Video)

Melody Brooke — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:45:15 +0000

Many people find themselves in sexless marriages. As unfortunate as it is, if you’re in a sexless marriage, you’re not alone.

Does that mean you have to live with it? Of course not! Here are some great ways to understand what is happening in your relationship and what you can do to fix it so you can turn the heat back up in your marriage.

First the sex was great… but suddenly I look up and I’m in a Sexless Marriage! What Happened?

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How Sexless Is Your Marriage?

Different couples have sex at different frequencies. Some married couples have sex once a week and they’re completely satisfied.

Other couples have sex once a week and they’re not satisfied. They feel like they should be having sex three or four times a week or even every day.

Whatever frequency of sex that makes you and your partner most comfortable and satisfied is your “magic” number. Don’t feel that if your friends or neighbors are having sex more often that you have to have sex the same amount or you’re not satisfied with your sex life.

Have sex as often or as little as it takes to keep both you and your partner happy and satisfied!

Hormonal Issues

If you truly aren’t satisfied with your sex life, it’s time to make a change. There’s no reason that you should not be in a marriage with a satisfying sex life!

There are a number of things that can contribute to a sexless marriage or an unsatisfying sex life, so it’s time to do a little digging.

Visit your doctor to rule out any physical reasons that might be decreasing you or your partner’s sex drive. Many couples in sexless marriages will find out from their doctor that they have an imbalance of hormones that is contributing to a lack of sex drive. Your doctor can help you determine if this is an issue for you and your partner or not.

Feeling Close Again

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Men, How Helping Around the House Can Get You Laid!

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:30:39 +0000

This article is about the aphrodisiac of a man offering, perhaps even insisting, that he help out around the house; meaning, there can be an incredible pay off for helping with household chores, if you play your cards right!

In dual career relationships, the household chores still predominantly fall to the woman to accomplish. This reality may be the result of some latent chauvinism.

Latent Chauvinism

However, it is likely because most men do not seem to care if the house is straightened up, dishes done, or even if laundry has been taken care of at the end of a day. Some men will make a shirt and suit last another day and buy a fresh pair of socks and underwear rather than stay on top of the laundry at home.

Women, on the other hand, with their nesting instincts and natural bent for seeing the big picture tend to organize what they consider the necessities of life, including straightening up the home, doing the dishes, and staying on top of the laundry.

If work is brought home or children are involved on top of what it takes to keep a home running smoothly, your woman can spend all her free time at home organizing and carrying through with her plans to get it all done including the things you don’t find important.

Even if this imbalance is just the result of a difference in personalities and not the result of chauvinism, it can still produce bitterness and resentment in her that gets in the way of good loving. There is a way to create balance and seduction at the same time.

Creating Balance

Create an opportunity to have a conversation with her where you volunteer to help. Where you intend to help around the house needs to be something you are actually interested in doing, so go into this prepared. You may be willing to be given a chore list. However, if there are things you just do not want to become responsible for, think about which responsibilities appeal to you.

A good place to begin the conversation is to tell her you appreciate how much she does to keep the house running smoothly. Tell her that if it were up to you, you would not notice all the things she does that make your house a home.

If this is true for you, share with her that you also like it when you find she has time to relax, put her feet up, or soak in the tub; how that kind of feminine expression makes her attractive to you. Then tell her you want to help around the house.

Her Reaction May Vary

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Did Your Marriage Fail Because Marriage is a Flawed Concept or Because You Married the Wrong Person?

Chick In Heels — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 19:22:36 +0000

So… what did you LIKE about being married???

There are so many people out there who can speak on this topic. There are many of us who have had a marriage end in divorce or separation. It’s true, life DOES go on.. but how do those with ‘marriage experience’ under their belts now look upon the topic? I find the question of ‘so, what did you LIKE about being married’ to hold two-part answers..

1. What did you think about your past marriage and

2. What do you believe (now that you are armed with the expertise) about marriage moving forward?

Did You Marry The Wrong Person?

First off, if you are in the position to have freed yourself from the clutches of a marriage gone wrong you likely view the problem as being the person you chose in the first place. For whatever reason, the common theme in most dissolutions of marriage is that the two parts simply did not mix long term.

Which, in turn leads to a million other little issues or problems that eventually drive people to the breaking point. Now, this is not the same thing as putting 100% of the blame onto your ex-spouse. It is ultimately saying that perhaps it wasn’t the concept of marriage as much as the wrong person to take that path with, which is the constant most of us with ‘past’ marriages, can attest to.

Or Is Marriage Just A Bad Concept All Together?

There are those who are simply jaded toward the concept of marriage all together. That one time was enough for them. Since they did not marry the ‘right’ person to go the distance with the first time, they believe marriage is simply not for them.

They look upon marriage with disdain and feel that it is merely a trap and that most marriages either dissolve or that those who stick it out are not usually there because they ‘want’ to be. I believe, people with this point of view are not thinking outside of the box on this one. After all, if you had one bad job would you never take on another one again?

Holding onto angst and blame from a previous relationship only halts you from fulfilling any potential of a new situation. Unless, the person who holds such grief toward the concept of marriage, does not believe in the concept of commitment or monogamy in the first place. Then it’s more the idea of marriage that turns them off and not necessarily the partner.

Serial Brides & Grooms

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Be Sure Your Relationship is Built on Real Love, Not Sympathy…

Nick Arrizza MD — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 19:15:55 +0000

When does love get confused for sympathy? Well simply when one has only received attention or caring, which they then interpret as "love", from others as a result of they’re being ill, depressed, or compromised in some way.

In other words they draw the "love" to themselves only when they take on what is a compromised position in their life.

Why It’s Bad

Unfortunately this can set in motion a behavior pattern where the individual feels this is the only viable way they can elicit "love" from others. I keep placing the quotations on the word love because clearly what is being received is not love at all.

Instead it is likely driven by feelings of sympathy that the individual unconsciously attempts to evoke in others .

In doing so they have accomplished two things.

First, they have adopted a victim like stance in relation to others. This is equivalent to making themselves appear helpless and believe themselves to be such.

Secondly by doing the above they have attempted to make others feel responsible for them in a somewhat underhanded or manipulative manner. They feel this is necessary because they’ve never experienced receiving love in any other way thus, deep down believe themselves to be unlovable. In this they a sense an emptiness that must be filled in the only way they know how.

A Recipe For Destruction

Unfortunately this is a recipe for destruction of their relationships as others begin to tire of their repeated efforts to "steal" some "love".

This pattern is commonly experienced in many relationships and in some cases has become the foundation upon which they are formed. It’s also a big reason why many relationships fail.

So what can be done about this problem?

Well, first one must recognize that it exists.

Next one must recognize its destructive nature on their relationships and their lives.

Finally one must make a choice to release this destructive pattern and reconnect to the well spring of love which lives right inside them.

It may surprise you that indeed one of the reasons one feels disconnected from this inner source of love is because of the existence of programmed early memories of the kind mentioned earlier i.e. of getting "love" when down.

These memories keep one disconnected from one’s inner love thus making them feel the emptiness inside that compulsively drives the destructive attention seeking behavior.

By releasing the memories this program becomes extinguished easily and rapidly and the emptiness is replaced with feelings of self love, wholeness, completeness and a sense of OK’ness.

Is There Life After Cheating? Can You Survive An Affair? (Video)

Melody Brooke — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 19:21:53 +0000

No matter how long you’ve been in a relationship, an affair can completely turn your world upside down. Whether you were the cheater or the one who was cheated on, when the affair comes out into the open, it seems like life will never be the same.

Can a relationship survive an affair? What can you and your partner do to work past the affair and become a positive, healthy couple again?

Can a relationship really survive an affair? What’s the secret?

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The Causes Of Affairs

Too often, people view affairs as the problem. In reality, affairs are really not the problem at all. For example, having a runny nose and itchy, watery eyes are not a problem. They’re a symptom of the bigger issue of allergies.

Similarly, affairs are only a symptom of a problem in the relationship. If there are no allergies, there won’t be itchy, watery eyes and runny noses. If there are no problems in a relationship, there won’t be any affairs.

This can be a difficult concept to grasp, especially if you’re feeling victimized, but to begin working past an affair you have to own up to the causes of the affair.

The causes of the affair were unlikely to be "because your partner is a horrible person."The more likely causes of the affair were that there was a problem between you and your partner to begin with.

Once you learn to accept that and own up to it, you and your partner can begin working through the affair.

Stop Feeling Victimized.

If you are the one who was cheated on, it’s normal to feel upset, hurt, betrayed and even victimized. Some people, however, stay in that state of mind for too long following the affair because they’re comfortable in the position of being the victim. Who wants to be the bad guy anyway?

It can be extremely difficult to own up to the contribution to relationship problems, and it’s a lot easier to sit back and feel like the other person did you wrong. You’ll never move past an affair if you continue to let yourself feel victimized. Take some time to think through how both partners contributed to the affair and what the possible problems in your relationships might be.

Solve Your Relationship Problems.

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Five Little Words That Strike Fear Into The Hearts Of Men (Video)

Melody Brooke — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 12:55:11 +0000

Everyone knows that guys get freaked out at the age old question, "How do you feel about our relationship?" Even statements along the lines of "We need to talk" usually send guys running for the hills.

Why is this? How can you talk to your man about your relationship without scaring him off? What is the right way to go about it so your relationship can stay positive?

"Honey, we need to talk [about our relationship]"…

Why Do Men Always Get Defensive When You Want To Talk?

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They’re scared they’ll get it wrong.

When women ask men questions, they’re always afraid of giving the wrong answer. It doesn’t even matter what the question is most of the time.

If the "right answer" isn’t clear from the get go, men tend to shy away from talking about the subject with you at all. Many times, this stems from women getting angry and frustrated when a man does happen to answer a question. If he happens to answer with the "wrong" answer, the woman will get angry and the entire situation will get blown out of proportion.

If this happens,especially if it happens numerous times, men only learn that when they answer questions, bad things happen!

More often than not, men would rather not give an answer at all and shy away from the discussion than risk giving the "wrong" answer and getting a lot of flack for it.

Creating A Positive Atmosphere

You can avoid this by simply staying calm if your man gets an answer "wrong." In essence, there really are no wrong answers. Discussing a relationship or other issues are actually just talking about how each person feels.

This isn’t wrong or right ,but what is said can upset the other person. By staying calm and collected even if your partner does something to upset you, you’ll keep your partner open to opening up.

Get angry and take it out on him, and he’ll close like a clam. Encourage him to open up by simply having a positive attitude about what he says. If something upsets you, tell him – in a nice way.

Asking the Dreaded Question.

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Understanding The Desire To Love And Be Loved in Return

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 19:32:02 +0000

“We are all part of the same human condition. The yearning to love and be loved is at the heart of who we are.” – Lynne Twist

That quote speaks to every man and every woman in every place and time! The worlds’ greatest love stories, from the brilliantly successful ones to the dismally tragic ones, come down to the yearning to love and be loved in return.

Loving and Being Loved

In every love story, there is a quality to the relationship that is defined by how each person deals with his or her own yearning to love and be loved.

Some of us have a stronger desire to love than to be loved. We pour ourselves out on everyone we love with abandon. We are supportive and nurturing, even if we risk suffocating the object of our affection. We may pour out our love in bold, brash, even bullying ways.

I am thinking of men who only need a hint that something is wrong and then swoop in to fix the problem, their loved one, and the people involved! This also brings to mind women who turn into protective mother bears when their loved ones (cubs) are threatened.

Others who are more committed to loving than being loved show their support and nurture by being submissive, following their lover wherever he or she leads. Even if it is to a dark place, the supportive, nurturing, I-am-totally-there-for-you individual loves the risk of loving no matter the cost.

A Stronger Desire to be Loved

Then there are those of us with a stronger desire to be loved. As supportive as I think I am, sometimes my desire to be loved by my husband is so strong I embarrass myself! When he is preoccupied with something, with steely focus accomplishing something, if I interrupt and thereby incur even a slight dismissal, the pout that forms on my lips is telling!

In an instant, it is all about me and my needs and desires. If I were truly one of those supportive types, wouldn’t I have seen and appreciated his preoccupation with whatever he was accomplishing?

Managing my desire to be loved and choosing to sometimes follow my yearning to love, as a priority over my yearning to be loved, is simple enough. It can be heartbreaking to watch someone completely sabotage their relationship because nothing can satisfy the hunger for proof that their lover loves them beyond all others!

Sabotaging the Relationship

Of course, the supportive, nurturing lovers can sabotage their relationships too. Smothering love can snuff out love, shocking the supportive individual with the level of resentment the recipient of their love feels towards them and all their loving attention!

Yet, the “yearning to love and be loved is at the heart of who we are.” At some point in your life, I hope you were your mother’s and father’s beloved infant. Mothers and fathers do their best. Sometimes their best is brilliant, sometimes it is good enough, and other times it is barely adequate.

Relationship With Caregivers

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Why You Should ALWAYS Pay Attention to Your Inner Feelings When You Meet Someone

Dr. Margaret Paul — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 11:15:22 +0000

A friend of mine recently said to me, somewhat in awe, “I’m just discovering that energy is everything!”

Right, it is, but what does this mean, exactly?

What Is Energy Exactly?

Our energy is the frequency, or vibration, that automatically emanates from our being, and is a result of our intention. Each of us is always radiating energy. Energy operates on a continuum from extremely negative to wonderfully positive, and reflects our intent from an extremely unloving controlling intent to an extremely loving intent.

Whenever our intent is to protect ourselves with some form of controlling behavior, our energy is of a low frequency – heavy, dark, difficult to be around. Whenever our intent is to be loving and to learn about love, our energy is lighter and easier to be around. Learning to discern the differences in our own and others’ energy is very important regarding being loving to ourselves.

Understanding Energy in Regard to Relationships

Let’s take an example. Richard, 28, fell in love with Rachael, also 28, an extraordinarily beautiful woman with a winning smile. Richard is a very kind, caring and compassionate person who tends to be a caretaker. Richard believed that everyone was basically like him, kind and caring.

Richard also believed that anyone this beautiful on the outside must also be beautiful on the inside. Instead of caring enough about himself to discern who Rachael really was, Richard allowed lust to determine his decisions and married Rachael.

In time he discovered that Rachael was a really hard, cold and calculating woman, who was really in the marriage to be taken care of financially. The marriage eventually ended in a difficult divorce, with Richard losing much financially.

Had Richard tuned into Rachael’s energy instead of being dazzled by her looks, he would have quickly discovered that Rachael came from fear and neediness, not from caring and kindness. Had he been willing to go within to his own inner, feeling experience of Rachael, he would have known that she was operating from a much lower frequency than he, and was not a good match for him. Had he been willing to experience Rachael with his heart and soul, rather than his mind and genitals, he would have known that she was not for him.

Pay Attention to Your Feelings

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How to Keep the Money Mistress From Destroying Your Relationship

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 19:05:41 +0000

Something as seemingly ‘harmless” as hiding a purchase you made from you partner is really not harmless at all. In fact, it’s a form of financial infidelity, and can lead to greater financial infidelities.

Bigger-scale problems of this nature often come during significant relationship problems that you may be having with your significant other. For example, if you’re aware of financial or sexual infidelities going on in your relationship, you’re likely to fall into some financial infidelities of your own, or succumb to the “money mistress.”

Examples of Financial Infidelity

A few examples of financial infidelity are:

*when one partner keeps money from a work bonus for themselves without telling the other person

*over-charging at drugstores or for groceries and keeping the cash

*when one person uses money or spending as a way of “keeping score”

Why People Succumb to Financial Infidelity

There are several ways to, and many reasons why, people fall into this type of behavior. The most basic and common can be when you’re already experiencing things like this at the hands of your partner.

It can be tempting to retaliate in similar ways. You may even be in a relationship where you’re aware of a sexual affair, and you’re using your bank account to “get back” at the other person.

One couple I worked with had this problem. The woman was aware of her husband’s affair (as he wasn’t really doing much work to hide it) so she would see the purchases he made for his mistress, would add up the cost of these purchases, and then buy something for herself that cost that amount. She used this behavior as a way of trying to make herself feel good, and as a method of getting back at her spouse.

Of course the person already engaging in financial or sexual infidelities isn’t in the right either, but by retaliating or spending behind your partner’s back, you’re also taking part in what I call a “PoP shot” – or a “Pissed off Purchase!” You’re fueled by anger towards the other person’s infidelities, whether they’re sexual or financial, and you decide to take action by using the bank account for leverage.

There are other versions of this situation that aren’t as drastic. I’ve seen cases where one partner overspends, and the other feels entitled to spend a similar amount, or in a similar way creating another type of money mistress. One key solution to the problem of a money mistress is to learn to fight fair. Don’t let money be your weapon.

Rules to Make Sure You Talk About Money

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