Ask Dan and Jennifer » marriage

When A Woman Tries To Control, Rescue, Or Fix Her Man

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 21:00:54 +0000

Every once in awhile I get to experience what it’s like for a man when a woman tries to control, rescue, or fix him. Every time it happens, I get a hint of how humiliating it is for men to have women mother them in this way.

Did you know that women do to other women what they do to men? They try to control, rescue, and fix their friends. I don’t know how other women react to it but I don’t like it. I have a mother. She’s the perfect mother for me and I don’t need another woman attempting to fill that role. Gentlemen, does this sound familiar?

Depending on which woman friend in my life attempts to control, rescue, or fix me determines the degree to which I feel humiliated by her efforts. Some friends are so endearing in their approach that I can’t resist them. To be perfectly honest, when I get in the same mothering mode, I try to be as endearing as possible! I admit it is sheer manipulation meant to make me feel better about interfering in my friends’ (or my husband’s) lives. Yet I can fall for the manipulation when it’s delivered in a sweet and loving way.

Manipulation vs. Sheer Will

Today, I felt manipulated in a way that irritated me. A friend interrupted my attempts to clean up after a social event. I thought I was done clearing away trash and had washed my hands. She had more to add to the garbage bag. Because I mentioned I’d washed my hands, she tried to take the task away from me whereas I’d resigned myself to complete the task and just wash my hands again. She argued with me and tried to physically take over. I wouldn’t let her and as I was finally finishing up, she shoved one of those hand gels in front of my face to rescue me from having to rewash my hands! I chuckled and said, “No thank you. I’d just as soon wash them again.” She sort of stormed away at that point.

Why didn’t I just let her take over? Because I took pride in the task and wanted to take care of it myself. With each attempt on her part to rescue me, I felt increasingly manipulated and patronized. If you are a woman reading this article, you might not be able to empathize. But if you are a man reading this article, I bet you understand. It feels awful to have a woman try to mother you by attempting to control, rescue, or fix you. When you are handling any situation, you don’t need rescuing. And if you need help, you will ask for it!

So, to help my female readers gain some empathy with a man on this issue, let me put it another way. Chances are you have someone in your life that makes you feel patronized every time she belittles your efforts, tries to rescue you as though you are a child, or attempts to make you better by making you over in her image. If you will bring that person to mind and remember what it feels like to be treated thus, I guarantee you can empathize with your man when he resents your attempts to make him better – or make him over.

When Women Manipulate Men

For my gentleman readers, if you have a lady in your life who tries to control, rescue, or fix you; pay attention the next time she complains about the manipulative woman in her life. Then the next day (not in the same conversation), gently and lovingly say, “Would you like for me to confide in you something that is very tender for me? Something that makes me feel vulnerable with you? Sometimes you want me to open up. I have something to share but I need you to really listen to me. Are you ready?”

She’ll look at you with big, puppy dog eyes ready to lap up this self-disclosure. Depending on her personality, you may have to add, “Now, this may strike you as offensive but if you’ll stay with me, I think we can help each other and improve our relationship. Would you like to try?”

“YES!” she replies.

Then in your own words and as gently as possible tell her that the way she feels when her friend patronizes her is how you feel when she tries to ________ fill in the blank______.

When He Opens Up

If you are gentle and loving and if her heart is in the relationship, she ought to be able to hear you. Tempers might flare a little bit. But if you stay with wanting to let her know how you feel rather than make her wrong, you will go far with this. You can even say, “Listen, this is a problem all men have. It takes even less manipulation for us to feel the way you feel when your most manipulative friend does her number on you. I’m just laying it all out here. Because the more you trust me to be the man, to take care of things in my own way, the happier you will be because there will be less tension.”

I have one more piece of advice. If your woman is the kind who takes advantage of your opening up in order to dig really deep inside you, don’t let her. Assure her that this piece is huge. It’s enormous! If she will absorb the information and integrate it over the next several days, she will see how very much she has been given with this one self-revealing topic.

Ladies, if you can respect how meaningful this is and not require him to go deeper or share more, you’ll reap big benefits. In addition, within about twenty-four hours, you’ll have your new understanding tested as something happens and you find yourself itching to control, rescue, or fix him. The real work begins when you choose to not go there!

Moving From The Blame Game To The Joy And Satisfaction Game

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 21:00:42 +0000

In the middle of an argument with my husband the other night – one of those getting ready for bed and “oops” someone said the wrong thing experiences – I had a humbling revelation. I discovered that making comparisons is just another way of playing the blame game.

As someone who holds the intention to stop blaming others, I’d completely overlooked the not-so-innocent habit of making comparisons, especially comparisons between men and women where women always come out on top! Comparisons such as women are better at nurturing relationships, better at communication, better at being thoughtful, better at anticipating relationship problems, better at taking action to solve those problems, etc. As relationship coaches and mentors, understanding the differences between men and women is part of our business! However, there is an important distinction between understanding differences and making evaluative comparisons.

Stop Playing The Blame Game

Then a friend of mine, Kaliana, expressed this thought at her blog, “Erase from your relationship ‘who is to blame’ and replace it with ‘how do we grow?’” Although the longer a relationship lasts, the more likely a couple is to atrophy into playing the blame game; some people carry it from one relationship to another. They sing the “S/he done me wrong” song on the first date and ever after until the next refrain is, “You done me wrong!” At any point in your relationship (or your life for that matter), you can learn to shift from the blame game to the joy and satisfaction game by asking yourself at every turn, “How do I/we grow?”

Blaming others shows up in many ways. I’ve already mentioned the comparison version. When women compare their men to themselves or their girlfriends and find the men lacking, the men wind up getting blamed for their masculine essence. On one of this year’s Super Bowl commercials, I heard the most amazing line from a man about his woman. It went something like this, “I will listen to you when you want to talk and not speak when what I want to say isn’t what you want to hear.” That’s insane! You don’t have to read between the lines, the not so hidden message is right there. Men, to make your women happy, don’t speak – ever; unless, of course, you plan to agree with her.

The commercial was funny but many couples’ lived reality isn’t. Any comparison that results in shutting down communication means somebody got blamed for being less than ideal – for being human.

Blame Without Words

More typical ways people play the blame game shows up in things like name calling, tone of voice, eye rolling, exiting the room, resentment filled sighs, etc. You know when you do that you’ve blamed your lover for something. If you’re sensitive at all you realize that you just struck a mean blow with the blame and now any further conversation will take a downhill turn before things can get better between you.

What you may not realize is that even when you think you’re keeping those little blame game behaviors private; such as rolling your eyes out of their view, claming the sigh means you’re just tired, or calling them names inside your head but not speaking it out loud, the blame game is still going on and suffering will ensue.

My friend’s antidote of asking how we can grow is genius! Oftentimes, the very thing that gets on your nerves today was something you once found charming. Asking how you can grow from this experience can get you back in touch with how you once perceived them and what you felt about them when you first fell in love. It can be a reminder that you don’t want to become one of those embittered couples that no one wants to be around.

How To Stop Blaming Your Partner

If you find yourself blaming your lover because he or she has gotten into the habit of taking you for granted, perhaps even being downright rude and mean, you can grow from the experience by exploring what in you has allowed yourself to be treated badly. If you find yourself blaming your lover because of the complex differences between men and women you can grow through making the choice to celebrate your differences instead.

If the blame game turns into one of those excruciating, cathartic fights, you can grow from choosing again to commit yourselves to love each other with expressions of loving kindness, compassion, empathy, and respect. You can grow each and every time you stop yourself at the blame game and make another choice. When you are vigilant about not playing the blame game, choosing instead to grow from the stuff that bothers you, you find you have a happy relationship, even a life, full of joy and satisfaction.

How To Prevent Your Spouse Leaving You After Years Invested In The Marriage

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 21:00:44 +0000

Yesterday, while mailing one of our books out to a customer, the post master was curious about the name on our return address, “Creating Ideal Relationships, LLC.” He was friendly as well as inquisitive, so I told him my husband and I are relationship coaches. Immediately, he shared with me that earlier in the day a friend of his had come in to mail something and the friend’s response to the question, “Did you have a good Christmas?” was, “My wife divorced me after 27 years.”

Not even knowing the gentleman in question, I was stunned and said, “Ouch! That’s hurtful. That’s a lifetime without a greater number of years on the other side to create a new relationship and new lifetime.” The post master agreed and admitted he wanted to call the wife a name reserved for female dogs and certain kinds of women. We agreed that it was probably more complicated than that.

Why Leave After So Many Years Invested In Marriage?

I thought about that man today whose wife left him over the holidays after 27 years of marriage. I’ve known other men whose wives left them at about the 27 year mark. With that many years invested in a marriage and a family, it seems like such a waste to call it quits. Surely, what’s wrong after 27 years was wrong when you were both much younger and had a better chance of finding better love and a new life.

Wondering what it was all about, my mind flashed on something that may answer the question. I believe that many marriages that end after that many years invested do so because the differences between the sexes were never accepted, much less embraced.

If that is true, you have the opportunity to make a difference for yourself before you invest that much time in a marriage, finding yourself dumped when you’re nearing or past sixty years old. And if you’ve already invested a life time in a relationship, it may not be too late to provide the preventive care that embracing the differences between the sexes can provide!

It is so easy, as time goes by and the honeymoon fades, to fall into ruts of resentment and impatience over the differences between the sexes. It shows up in internal conversations that go something like the following.

“He’s always trying to fix what isn’t broken. Why can’t he just listen to me?”

“I can’t stand her nagging me.”

“It’s always all about him. He interrupts because he’s not listening. He never pays attention to what I’m feeling or what might be in my best interest in any given situation. He’s such a child!”

“She talks so much. I’ve learned how to tune her out and pretend to listen without getting caught. I don’t even feel guilty about it anymore.”

“I know how I want it done. The way I do it works best. Why can’t he just do what I want him to do, the way I want it done, when I want it done?”

“You try to give a woman advice, really help her, and all of sudden you’re her worst enemy. I cannot win with this woman!”

All these conversations and more are clues that you carry resentment for your spouse and they are all about the differences between the sexes.

Understanding The Difference Between Men And Women

You can’t change the opposite sex to be more like you. It doesn’t matter how much of a tom boy and one of the guys she was when you first fell in love. It doesn’t matter how easy it was to be with her in the beginning. It doesn’t matter how thoughtful he was, available to listen for hours when you were first falling in love. Those personality traits that made him or her seem like a twin were anomalies born of the rush of passion, lust, and attraction that accompany falling in love.

The thing you can’t do anything about is rewire his or her brain to be more like yours. Truth be told, you wouldn’t want to. The wiring differences between the male and female brain play a large part in creating the chemistry that makes us attracted to each other in the first place. Without the differences, there is no sexual tension, there are no babies made, life doesn’t continue!

What you can do something about is your attitude towards those differences. The men and women who remain happy in the relationship throughout their lives, appreciate the differences between them, continuing to find each other fascinating mysteries with so much left to be discovered.

There are lots of books on the subject of the differences between men and women and how it’s a brain thing that dates back to before the beginning of history. You can learn how these differences worked perfectly 5,000 years ago but don’t work nearly as well here in 2010.

The really short version is men are focused. That’s why it often seems to be “all about him!” He sees everything in relation to himself and his surroundings. That focus is meant to protect you from immediate harm. Women are big picture folk. That’s why she nags, because she can see further into the future, anticipating consequences that he is truly blind to. The ability to see the big picture also makes her thoughtful, caring, and nurturing.

The bottom line is this. If you have any conversations about what’s wrong with men or what’s wrong with women, whether it is with your friends or inside your head, it means you harbor resentment that can grow into a poison, resulting in an abrupt and bitter end to your relationship in the near or distant future. Those conversations are also opportunities to wake up, learning to accept and embrace the differences between you. Best of luck to you to do so!

Q&A: What You Should Know Before Getting Married (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 21:00:55 +0000

Getting married is a big step. Even starting a new relationship with someone is kind of like jumping into the pool feet first. Is there anything you can do to keep a relationship or marriage from ending badly? Is there anything you should know before getting married or starting a new relationship, so you can have the best chance at success?

Question: People should START by being more responsible when they start relationships. Maybe you guys should stop giving advice on ending relationships and start giving advice on how people can be more responsible when starting a relationship. That why you can keep more marriages together and save their children from emotional and psychological distress.

–YouTube Viewer

Click here to view the embedded video.

Love Yourself First

The most important thing you need to do before embarking on a long term relationship or marriage is learning to love yourself first, flaws included. Many of us look for acceptance from others, when we haven’t accepted ourselves yet. Unfortunately, we won’t ever get the kind of acceptance we crave as human beings from another person unless we’ve done it ourselves first. Accept who you are, love yourself for who you are and other people will begin to do the same. Seeking outside approval is going to get you nowhere.

Don’t Try To Fix Them

The biggest problem in relationships and marriages is that a person doesn’t fall in love with someone for who they are right now, they fall in love with who they think this person will be after they are “fixed.” Many women try to change their boyfriends, partners and husbands after they’ve already gotten knee deep in the relationship. Men do it too, but it usually only ends in frustration and the dissolution of the relationship. Don’t think of how you can fix or change your partner, or that you’d love them if they just didn’t do this one little thing…learn to love your partner for who they are right now, not who you think they will be. Long term relationships are difficult, but they always help us grow. Allow your partner to help you grow and vice versa, but recognize the difficulty involved before you jump in. A good, loving, satisfying relationship or marriage is never going to be easy. But nothing that is easy is worth having. Try going to couples counseling before making a huge committment. Just because you’re in counseling doesn’t mean anything is wrong in the relationship – it’s also a great way to learn about your partner as well as learn about yourself, and learn about healthy ways to handle problems and disagreements that will inevitably come up in the future.

Don’t Stay In A Bad Relationship

If you’re in a bad relationship or marriage, don’t stay in it “for the kids” or because you believe in sticking it out. Even if there are children involved, chances are, they’re just as unhappy as you are in the relationship from having to hear all the fighting and bickering. There is absolutely nothing wrong with moving on from an unhealthy relationship, because often, that is the path that is better for everyone involved and frankly, moving on from an unhealthy or even abusive relationship is the grown up thing to do.

He Needs To Make You Happy

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 17:00:49 +0000

He said, “I need to make you happy to even have a shot at being happy.” The words are spoken by Ben Affleck to Jennifer Aniston in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You. For me, it is the second best scene in the movie after the scene where Jennifer tells Ben she wants him back – that in their life together, unmarried, he is more of a husband to her than any of the so-called “husbands” her sisters have.

Ben’s statement, however, hides a priceless piece of relationship advice. When a man loves a woman, he longs to make her happy. In the beginning of the relationship, this can be sweetly evident. It’s like there aren’t enough thoughtful things he can do for her! From opening doors to paying attention to her favorite foods so he can order for her to running interference on her behalf, he just wants to make her happy and it is as if his happiness depends on it.

His Happiness Depends On Your Happiness

His happiness does depend on it and this is why as time goes by, his attempts to make her happy can cause frustration for them both. The better they get to know each other, the more complicated it becomes for him to make her happy and the harder she makes it for him to make her happy. How does this happen? How does a couple go from, “He’s so sweet and thoughtful,” to “He’s driving me crazy?” Let me paint a picture from my own life to answer that question that any reader, male or female, will likely recognize.

Recently, my husband, Joseph, and I had lunch with some friends who kind of make me nutty. It’s just a personality conflict. However, these friends are only in my life because of him. They were his friends first. Whenever we see them, once he and I are alone together again, I invariably have to process the interactions that took place between them and me. As the years have gone by, I have learned to process my feelings about these interactions using “I” statements. So, I make my problems with them as much about me and as little about them as possible. Truly, because it is just a personality conflict and nothing personal, my issues are all about me, not them. So using “I” statements is the adult, responsible thing to do.

Processing Interactions

Years ago, before I was so mature, my processing events with these folks could result in an argument between Joseph and me. Invariably, I would feel as though I’d backed him into a corner where he had to choose between them and me; and then I’d be furious because in his defense of them I would feel tossed aside. Now that I use “I” statements, we don’t have those arguments. But the other day I realized I was talking and talking and talking out my process while he was remaining very quiet yet on the verge of laughing.

Finally, I squealed, “Why are you laughing at me?” He said, “I’m not laughing at you! I’m processing your process!” And I realized something important. Even with all the “I” statements, the fact that I always have to process these particular friends makes Joseph feel responsible for my happiness. Because he brought them into my life and because I’m not comfortable with them, to the point of having to process interactions, he feels as though he’s failed me. He needs to make me happy to even have a shot at being happy.

I used to think that men needed their women to like and respect all their friends and family in order to feel respected themselves. It was one of those this-is-how-you-protect-his-fragile-male-ego thing. Wow. I haven’t thought like that in so long that the sentence makes me want to gag! Yuck! I hate that manipulative way of perceiving men.

Let Him Make You Happy

That isn’t what’s going on. If his ego smarts at all when she disrespects his friends or family, it is because he’s stuck between a rock and hard place in his efforts to make her happy. He cannot give up all his friends and family who make her uncomfortable. That isn’t fair. At the same time, he cannot abide being responsible for her unhappiness. If his friends or family make her unhappy, he takes it on as his fault. And so, arguments ensue. If he can’t make her happy, maybe he can fix what’s wrong with her so that she can be happy. We all know that leads to even more conflict!

The answer to the problem: How does a couple go from, “He’s so sweet and thoughtful,” to “He’s driving me crazy!” is for both to realize what’s going on and just settle down. Making “I” statements settles down the energy. For instance, “I know it’s my problem and I feel badly about it but after awhile with them, I’ve just had enough.” “Me too! I’m the one who ended the evening early.” And then let it go. At this point, you’re on the same page. The energy is settling down. Continuing to run down the friends who make you nuts will only inflame it and risk an unnecessary argument.

So back to Ben’s hidden advice. He wants to make her happy. He really, really wants to make her happy. If she can accept the compliment, trusting his intention, appreciating his attempts and if he can understand that the longer they know each other the bigger a challenge it is to anticipate what will make her happy; then, they can learn how to communicate with each other so that his attempts to take care of her in this way are happily received by her, stoking the fire of their love.

Best Love And Marriage Articles Of 2009

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 14:00:39 +0000

This year, public scandals have been on the cover of every tabloid magazine and on every news channel from NBC to ABC to CNN. The Letterman adultery scandal and more recently, the Tiger Woods adultery scandal may make you wonder if there’s any possibility of having a successful marriage or relationship at all without the involvement of an affair. Even though public scandals have topped the list this year, we’ve countered them with tons of articles on how to have successful relationships and marriages, and how to avoid having an affair whether it’s a financial affair or straight up cheating or infidelity. We’ve covered just about every topic there is on love and marriage, so take a peek at our best love and marriage articles of 2009 so you can ring in the new year with a successful and loving relationship or marriage!

Can A Bad Relationship Make You Sick?

How To Have An Affair… With Your Partner!

To Confront Or Not Confront: A Mistress Or A Lover

Don’t Let The Passion Fade!

Sustainable Relationships

Pre-Wedding Jitters Vs. Second Thoughts

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Is How Men Spell Love

Marriage Essentials – The Top 3 Non-Negotiables For Lasting Nuptials

Top 10 Qualities Most People Want In Their Partners

Married Or Single? Are Those Really The Only Choices? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 13:11:49 +0000

Social networking sites, email, Facebook, MySpace…you name it and you have to identify your relationship on your profile. Unfortunately though, many of these websites only have a few options that you can choose from to “define” your relationship, and most relationships today don’t even fall into these categories. Do you even need to “define” your relationship, or your past relationships if you were divorced or widowed? Here’s our thoughts.

Married, Single, Divorced, and Widowed – are those really the only options for relationhip status? Why does it even matter what your past relationship status was (divorced, widowed) or what you future status will be (engaged?)

Click here to view the embedded video.

Defining Your Current Relationships

Most social networking websites or other sites require you to define your current relationship with “status” choices such as married or single. Many relationships don’t fall into those two categories. For example, what if you are in an open relationship, an exclusive relationship (but not married) or in a complicated relationship that you don’t want to discuss or be required to define? How many of us have been in or are in a complicated relationship that we can’t simply define as “married” or “single?” What if you choose to be in a committed relationship but are not religious and choose not to be blessed by the church or married in the eyes of the church? Should you be bound by religious doctrines if they don’t apply to you? The vast majority of people these days often end up falling into a category other than “married” or “single” and there aren’t many status options for them to choose from.

Defining Your Past Relationships

Many websites – and even government paperwork, bank accounts, etc. – have options for you to define your past relationships. For example, if you are not “married” or “single,” your other options are “divorced” or “widowed.” Should it really be necessary to define your past relationships on a social networking site or on a piece of paperwork? Divorces and deaths are painful and many people do their best to put this behind them. In addition, does a past relationship that ended in divorce or death really define you as a person, and who you are now?

Definining Your Future Relationships

Some networking websites have relationship status options such as “engaged.” Is it truly necessary to define your future relationships in that way? What if you are in a serious, monogomous relationship but you and your partner have chosen not to be married or wear engagement jewelry, but also have no plans to end the relationship? What “category” does that fall under? Is it necessary to tell the world that you are “engaged” and plan on being married?

How We Should Be Able To Define Our Relationships Online

There really are only a few relationship status options that need to be available on social networking sites. “In an exclusive relationship” would imply that you are in a relationship with someone and are exclusive, whether you are gay, bisexual, straight, married, engaged, committed, or what have you. “In an open relationship” would imply that you are with someone but you are open to the idea of flirting or dating others, or bringing others into the relationship with you. “It’s complicated” would cover those in relationships who don’t fall into these categories. “Single” would be an option for single people who either are or aren’t looking for a relationship or dating, and an additional option could even be “I prefer not to disclose.” If you don’t want to “define” your relationship status, no matter what it is, you shouldn’t have to!

Pre-Wedding Jitters Vs. Second Thoughts

Pamela Smale Williams LPC — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:00:18 +0000

The ring has been chosen and placed on the bride-to-be’s left hand, a symbolic representation of the circle of love that will follow and is accompanied later by the glorious wedding band that tells us she is dedicated to her husband. Showers, parties, wedding plans and in law problems start to arise. Schedule conflicts, budget concerns, honeymoon dilemmas, housekeeping questions…. these seem small in comparison to the ultimate major conundrum, “do I know what I’m getting into”? Either bride OR groom may be asking themselves this very question and then wondering if it’s even OK to be wondering about the question

What Are Pre-Wedding Jitters?

For a working definition I define “jitters” as being the normal questions one has about the immediate and long-term changes in the indivual’s lifestyle that go along with the act of becoming a partnership or committed couple.

Normal questions may include:

Is this what I want for myself in my way of interacting with the world in ways that must include my spouse to be?
Is this person capable of meeting my needs and desires on a basic and reliable condition or duration?
Can I hold up my end of being available to my future mate’s desires and needs and be prepared to maintain the behaviors involving that with a consistency that will honor and satisfy the other person?

What Types Of Feelings Come With Pre-Wedding Jitters?

“Jitters” generally apply to feelings of anxiety or nervousness. If it’s more a sense of “dread” or “terror” you have exceeded the intensity of this merely being ‘pre-change commitments’. Find out what it is that specifically has you “over the top with your fears” and address it immediately. Seek help from experts and not family members or friends—they can’t be objective in this situation no matter how hard they may try or offer to be. If you do get their advice at least weigh it against another qualified and objective source!

What Are Examples Of Pre-Wedding Jitters?

Illustrated in previous question and often demonstrated by typical signs of anxiety…pre-occupation on the topic of concern, physiological changes such as increased heart rate, shallow breathing, and “feeling on edge”. You may find yourself having difficulty concentrating, becoming more clumsy, forgetful, and possibly even shorter temper as you are interrupted from your normal course of routine—which is often already changing due to the social events and obligations that go along with Today’s matrimonial demands. Anxiety without a clear focus and no specific behaviors you object to or traits that you worry about-this would indicate just a generalized fear in the whole idea of being married.

What Should You Do If You Have Pre-Wedding Jitters?

Practice relaxation techniques…deep breathing, meditation, yoga, or exercise. Talk to your partner and ask if he/she is having any of the same concerns. Seek reassurance from that person. If your jitters decrease as you “vent” about it, you will likely have less cause for the continued reaction. Allow for some nervousness as being a normal adaptation to change. TALK it out or use a piece of paper and write about it, just get it out! These are usually feelings that can be purged and decreased with openness and time.
What are some signs or signals that a bride/groom is having second thoughts about getting married?

Second thoughts – we’ll define here as actual true doubts that are bothersome enough to illicit the individual to actually question their fiancé’s traits, lifestyle, behaviors, and have a high level of concern about specific areas of the relationship. As compared with “jitters” where an individual is simply wondering if the idea of marriage is right for them and if this is a good choice they have made in selecting a mate.
With this as our working definition, I offer the following:

What Should The Bride/Groom Do If He/She Is Having Second Thoughts?

…

A Big Mistake Newlyweds Make

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:00:46 +0000

“Most power conflicts in intimate relationships occur when one partner tries to treat the other as a child, mother, or father.” - Bert Hellinger

Over the weekend, I watched as newlyweds innocently tore at their relationship when he treated her like she was his mom and she treated him like he was her little boy.

At one point, someone needed him for something and as he was finished with his coffee, he handed his empty cup to his wife and said, “Here, honey.” As he left to go where he was needed she said derisively, “Thanks, for giving me your trash, honey!” It caught him off guard as he did a double take. But he didn’t try to remedy the situation.

Later, as they were seated and talking to someone nearby, she reached up and scrubbed his head the way you’d treat a little boy. I mean a little guy – someone at least younger than nine years old if not at least younger than five, actually! He shrunk from her touch, ducking and scowling while gently growling, “Don’t do that!” His dignity was compromised but he attempted to protect hers even as he told her to stop.

Treating Your New Spouse Like A Child

When he handed his wife his empty cup, he may as well have said, “Here, mom!” It’s what kids do with their mothers. She didn’t like being treated like a mother by her man; but then later, she treated him like a youngster.

There are a number of dynamics occurring here. This relationship is several years old and included the two of them living together, but the marriage isn’t yet six months old. Something changes in a relationship when the marital knot is tied. It doesn’t matter how enlightened you may be nor does it matter how committed you were to each other before you got married, something concrete shifts in your relationship dynamics when you wed.

One reason this shift happens is because once you are married; you become family to one another. That legal bond is deeply affecting. When you become family, the relationship is at a new stage where natural and understandable mistakes happen. One of these is dropping into a pattern of demonstrating love the way you were loved by your parents.

Doing Away With Your Sex Drive

It’s the darndest thing and completely annoying; because when you show each other love the way your parents loved you, it pours cold water on your desire for each other. No healthy man wants to make love to his mother or daughter and no healthy woman wants to make love to her father or son. So, when you try to fill those roles with each other, it dampens your sex drive.

When you treat each other like children or parents in public places, you humiliate yourselves, creating resentment. This also does nothing for your sex drive towards each other!

Another way getting married affects a relationship is that in a marriage, life just works easiest when there is a leader and a follower. I think we instinctively know this and so when we wed, we create power struggles to determine who will lead and who will follow. Treating each other like a child or parent is one of the fastest ways to engage in a power struggle to determine who will come out on top.

Treating Your Partner Like…A Partner

As a leading expert on the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, I can assure you that the newlywed game of treating each other like children (or parents) is chronic. It takes vigilance to bring it to a halt. The only way to do it is to treat it like a bad habit. Even if it is a brand new habit born of the newness of the relationship, treat it like an old habit because it’s something that has a hold of you in a deep place inside. It will not give up the fight easily!

You will begin by catching yourself after the offensive act or remark. It may be days and days of catching yourself after the fact before you can catch yourself in the middle of it. Once you are catching yourself in the middle of treating him or her like a child or parent, just stop right there. You can tell each other what you hope to accomplish. I promise, your effort will be appreciated!

One fine day, you will find that you catch yourself before you belittle your man or confuse your woman with your mother. That will be a fine day indeed! Keep up the good work and a time will arrive when it just doesn’t happen anymore. By then your respect and cherishing of one another will have grown with multiple benefits besides!

That “Mothering” Tone Of Voice And Behavior Does Not Work For A Man: Which Means It Doesn’t Work for You!

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 00:49:54 +0000

“How can we have a loving relationship with anyone if we spend most of the time thinking about how awful it (the relationship) is?” ~ Joseph Bailey

I found that awesome quote online today along with a woman’s wonderful response to it. She talked about how she used to disrespect her husband and denigrate her marriage. As a Christian, she’d come to understand that words have the power of life and death in them. It’s a powerful push to take responsibility for every word that proceeds from your mouth! She said she was learning how to uplift and encourage her husband, sowing seeds of positive potential in herself, her husband, and their marriage. She also said it was working.

Are You Mothering – And Emasculating – Your Man?

The other day, I overheard some young women discussing their men. Some were married and others were in committed relationships. But they were all complaining about two things. One was how they themselves have no faith in their men that their men can do anything around the house, yard, or in any context of their lives together “right.” So, they were complaining about the narrowness of their own viewpoints. The other thing they were complaining about is how their men can do nothing around the house, yard, or in any context of their lives together right! They saw the problem in themselves but, ultimately, refused to take full responsibility for it.

As they continued to share, I overheard women talking about their men using emasculating, mothering tones of voices. As they reported conversations they’d had with their men, it quickly became apparent that they used those tones of voices face to face with their men. Even I, one of the leading experts on the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, found it astonishing that these women had no idea how they sounded or what kind of damage those mothering tones of voices do to their relationships.

One of the women shared how her husband sometimes told her that he didn’t want to hear her talk to him that way anymore. He didn’t want her constant correcting of him or how he ran his life. In about a second, she shifted from overbearing mother figure to fragile, little girl defending her actions and words because this is the only way she knows how to love. The problem right there is that this woman only knows how to relate to her man, probably to all men, as either a mother or a little girl. She isn’t fully established in her femininity, in her grown up woman self. Sadly, she is clueless about the problem or how to fix it.

The solution is simple but requires self-discipline. If you are a woman like this or if you are in a relationship with a woman like this; pay attention. The following advice could change your life!

See Your Man In A Whole New Light – And Improve Your Relationship

First of all, stop using the mothering tone of voice. Your upbringing may have taught you that you are superior to men, but that was a lie. You are not. Continuing to believe you are will result in further damaging your relationship and any chance of being truly happy in a relationship.

Secondly, stop believing he cannot do it right. Whatever “it” is, his way is as valid as yours. It doesn’t matter if you are more efficient, experienced, neat, tidy, etc. His way is as valid as yours.

Third, actively practice choosing to sit still, keep quiet, and trust him. Treat him like the adult he is, as the adult you are. You may rediscover how funny, mysterious, and lovely the opposite sex can be.

Those three things are easier said than done. That is why it takes self-discipline to make a difference in this particular circumstance. But it can be done. You will find that every time you succeed, you feel that explosive giggle threatening to erupt, exposing your relief to not have to be in control! More importantly, every time you fail, you will discover another opportunity to try again is right around the corner. You are used to delivering a scolding, mothering tone of voice to the person you hold most dear – a person who is a grown man and not a little boy. Beware of turning that scolding tone on yourself. The fourth step that underpins the first three is to release the need to judge you yourself harshly. It will help you cease judging everyone else harshly too.

Life is too short for so much control and harshness ruling your life! Go for the gold in your relationship. That means choose love, compassion, understanding, and fulfillment for yourself and the pair of you. You, he, and your relationship are worth it.

Do You Have Both Feet in Your Relationship?

Wendy Strgar — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 13:49:29 +0000

Although I don’t remember the exact day that I pulled the one foot that I had out the door back into my marriage, today, celebrating 24 years of marriage, I can’t remember the last time that it occurred to me that I would ever leave.

It seems like I should remember when that change took place as it so profoundly changed the very fabric of what we were doing together, but like most things in life that are daily, we don’t see them as they are happening. They are clear as we look back.

The Not So Fairy Tale Marriage

We never had a fairy tale marriage, and in fact anyone who claims to have one is probably either not really present or honest. Our love for each other was uneven and the common issues of attraction and initiation- who wanted who, first and more, plagued our ability to connect for years.

The classic, “I am not in the mood” or “I am tired” responses create a cycle of defensive and offensive reactions that is almost like a pre-patterned dance. It’s a scenario that many couples just don’t have enough language to find their way out of.

In hindsight, I know now, that there is no winning side to that argument, but whichever side is your familiar view can color your lens so completely that the other side seems like a holiday. The shame of rejection is really no better than the guilt of turning away.

The pain is equal. I have read that the rejecting partner is the more powerful of the two, but having been on both sides, I don’t think its true- both sides make you unable to connect and leave you feeling equally powerless in having the relationship that you really want.

Choosing The Relationship

Two things transpired in my marriage to lift this issue and allow us to experience sexual desire with out the burden of fear and unmet longing. The first one was choosing my relationship without reservation. Being in my marriage with both feet in the door,

I had a lot more balance and flexibility that gave me more room and ease in dealing with the issues that kept me distant and disconnected. When I gave myself permission to truly stay, to not be looking for the reasons to leave, it changed my relationship to both the issues and my husband.

Finding True Forgiveness

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The Best Years are Yet to Be, if You Allow It…

Elaine Williams — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 13:47:01 +0000

Recently I was asked to describe the best years of my life. When I was younger, I remember summers going on seemingly forever. What wonderful times, playing tag or touch football until dark with the neighborhood kids, staying out until you had to come inside to take a bath and jump into bed. Endless, wonderfully carefree summer days.

Marriage and Babies

Marriage and the subsequent birth of my three boys followed. Each of their births is etched indelibly upon my memory. My oldest arrived two weeks early, dark haired and perfect, a little miniature human being. Always active and a handful, but a wonderful, compassionate person who turned 24 this year.

My middle son arrived screaming, as if he could hardly wait to enter the world. He was the head banger. If he fell, he always managed to hit his head. Following his speedy arrival, he’s been laid back ever since and has a wonderful, dry sense of humor. That was a memorable 22 years ago.

My youngest son was a real surprise when I discovered myself pregnant at 35. We were whisked into the delivery room with only twenty minutes to spare. He arrived screaming, eager to see what was going on. I’ll never forget the moment my husband looked at me and said, “You make beautiful babies.” That beautiful baby is now 16.

The best years and memories are scattered so delightfully throughout my life, and most center around family. At times the images arrive in vivid, fresh detail, as if I’m looking at a photo album.

The Unthinkable

When my husband died, there was a long time I didn’t think I’d ever be able to say “the best years of my life” again. I felt stuck, emotions running from lonely and confused to isolated. I tried to understand, but many days I felt as if I was drifting with no purpose or passion.

In a gradual process, the darkness lifted. Five years later, I realize there are many days that I will be able to look back and say, “These are some of the best years of my life.” I have become so much more empowered from the experiences I’ve been given, managing to take something good out of each “sad” experience.

I now find it exciting, knowing there is so much before me, and some of the best years of my life are yet to come.

Don’t Let A Financial Downturn Cause Financial Infidelity in Your Relationship

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 13:39:29 +0000

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m calling this economic crisis "Financial 9/11." And it’s obvious that this downturn has been around for awhile, and may be here to stay for quite some time.

A report was recently released that the recession is said to have started this time last year. Meaning we’ve already been experiencing a decline for nearly a year.

Not to start this article off on a down note, but it can be hard to keep spirits up, especially during the holiday season, when news like this hits the airwaves. So how can you avoid committing financial infidelity in this tough economic times?

Avoid Financial Infidelity

Those who end up falling into financial infidelity are often seeking to duplicate the euphoric feelings of "falling in love." They are trying to re-create their feelings, maybe not specifically with adulterous affairs, but by other means, including out-of-control shopping, or other risk-taking behaviors.

It may seem counter-intuitive that someone would "binge-shop" during tough financial times or that a person would actively seek out risk, but the satisfaction that is felt from this "quick fix" can appear to be worth the risk or the cost.

Talk to Your Partner

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication. I touch on various types of relational/financial communication in my book, Financial Infidelity, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances.

You could engage in Smart Heart dialogue where you use a transition in life to ask crucial questions and uncover you and your partners ideas about money. You could focus on your "Imago," the way you look at money based on your past both as an individual and as a couple.

Don’t Let Stress Get to You

The important this is to not let the stress get the better of you and to keep engaging each other in honest conversation. It’s hard not to let these conversations escalate, but it’s important to keep a neutral tone so that each person feels comfortable talking about their concerns:

*Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings. Truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your "agenda."

*Detach from your emotions. Try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.

After a fair and productive conversation, remember things that each person need to work on, in order to avoid financial infidelity or a need for thrill-seeking behavior.

The People You Love – Giving The Benefit Of The Doubt Even When It Feels Like The Last Thing You Want To Do

Wendy Strgar — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 14:26:51 +0000

Here’s a new years resolution that anyone can keep. Give the people you love, starting with yourself, the benefit of the doubt.

Generally speaking and almost without exception most of us are doing the best that we can at any given moment. We are being as loving as we can be, as kind as we can be, as generous as we can be, even though our best might not make it, even and especially in our own eyes.

The People We Love Sometimes Bring Out the Worst in Us

This was brought home to me in a deep and personal way as I spent the holidays with my original family. Although the visit did not include any storming out or other traumatic arguments that suggested the end of the relationship, the very lack of them and what was left over made the reality of the relationship clear.

It was a bittersweet departure, with this realization of what was left between us, and our agreement to not try to be understood or provoke a healing in all the old wounds.

My fifteen year old son commented that my mother did not bring out the best in me. He loves his newfound wisdom and I could not argue the point.

Sometimes the love we can express doesn’t bring out the best in us, and although we may wish to be kinder and more loving the reality of the past and all the baggage that is visceral in us allows only the benefit of the doubt to protect us.

Seeing the Limits of Our Capacity to Love

It is a humbling realization. To see the limits of one’s own capacity to love so clearly and still try to come to a place of loving oneself. This is actually our only choice and in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. in his speech “Where do we go from here?”

He calls this creative redemptive love “ultimately the only answer we have as a human family.” This redemptive love, which is far from the way we idealize loving relationships, is what we are given to build family and community with. It has to be enough.

When Love Brings Out the Best in Us

With many people in my life, loving them brings out the best in me. I am inspired by my ability to give generously of my time and resources. It is comforting and easy for me to accept even my weaknesses when I am with these heart connections.

Needing to Give the Benefit of the Doubt

I don’t have to think about giving the benefit of the doubt so much in these relationships because they make me feel strong and, on good days, confident.

But what this new year taught me is that until I can embrace the relationships where I am weakest, and meaner than I want to believe, I can’t fully embrace the rich heart connections because all those parts of me live in me and can’t be neatly separated by the quality of the relationship.

In fact the more complex the relationship the more likely that the benefit of the doubt is the only thing that can sustain us living on this little blue planet spinning in space.

Next Time You Have A Breakdown In Communication, Consider This…

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 14:26:28 +0000

When a woman falls in love with a man, he makes her feel safe, protected, and cherished. She makes him feel seen and respected. These gifts we give each other satisfy ancient longings housed in our biology. They are why we trust each other so quickly, connect so deeply, and start planning for the future!

Moving From Trust & Fulfillment to Irritation & Frustration

At some point, couples move from this position of trust and fulfillment to irritation and frustration. It is as if a pendulum swings them back and forth, sometimes against their will. Maybe it begins with simple things.

For instance, one is a slob and the other is a neat freak. These differences started out being cute but aren’t anymore! Eventually, she will drive him nuts wanting to talk about the relationship.

He will make her worried and insecure withdrawing at every attempt she makes to talk. Before you know it, they feel like enemies to each other either some of the time or all of the time.

Breakdowns in Communication

The next time your relationship suffers from a breakdown in communication, consider what drew you to each other in the first place. For her, feeling safe, protected and cherished satisfy deep, fundamental needs. For him, feeling seen and respected satisfies deep, fundamental needs.

Instead of putting your attention on what you are not getting from your partner, put your attention on what you once gave and try giving it again.

Personality Conflicts and Communication

My husband, Joseph, and I have a personality conflict that contributes to breakdowns in communication. It has occurred to me that addressing the personality conflict isn’t the way to improve the situation.

If we go there, we will wind up monitoring each other and/or ourselves, adding to the frustration and contributing to an even bigger breakdown! Instead, focusing on what we originally gave each other in this situation might just save us a lot of heartache.

What the Personality Conflict Looks Like

The personality conflict looks like this. I have a very active mind. Whenever anyone speaks to me, they are intruding on my thoughts. This means that for the first few seconds of conversation, I am in two places at once in my mind. I’m finishing up my thoughts and beginning to pay attention to the person speaking to me.

Things can get lost in translation because of my active mind!

In addition, my sharp mind prefers details. Instead of telling me something like, “That was the best hamburger I’ve had in a long time,” when it’s been a couple of days since that hamburger was eaten; I prefer more details such as, “Remember when we ate at the Stony Knob Diner last week and I had a hamburger and fries?

That was the best hamburger I’ve had in months. We need to go back there soon!” I realize people don’t talk like that. Folks pick and choose from hundreds of thoughts to share and often begin mid-sentence. I speak like that because details matter to me. See, it’s just a personality issue.

It Isn’t Personal

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Understanding the Sex-Money Connection…

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 19:01:25 +0000

Money and sex are more closely tied than you may have first suspected, and there’s scientific research to back that up. A new brain-scan study showed that when young men were shown erotic pictures, they were more likely to take a bigger financial gamble than if they were shown a picture of something scary.

Perhaps not-so-surprisingly, the arousing pictures lit up the same part of the brain that also lit up when financial risks are taken.

The Sex and Money Study

The study involved 15 heterosexual young men at Stanford University and focused on the sex and money “hub” of the brain, which is near the base of the brain and plays a central role in what you consider to be pleasurable.

When the erotic images activated that hub, the men were far more likely to bet high on a random chance game that would earn them either a dollar or a dime.

The Triggers

Stanford psychologist Brian Knutson, a lead author of the study, says the trigger doesn’t HAVE to be sex. It could just as easily be something like a winning lotto ticket, good food or delicious dessert. Basically, he says, it’s all about the power of emotion and arousal and our financial decisions.

“It didn’t matter if the sexy woman didn’t tell you anything about the odds of winning a roulette game,” he explained. “What really matters is that the sexy woman is having an emotional impact. That bleeds over into your financial decisions.”

Part of a fulfilled life and relationship is keeping these emotional triggers, whatever they may be, from spilling over into your financial decisions too much. Letting sex, or food, for example, affect your financial relationship can have a severe impact on your emotional relationship. As I talk about in my book, Financial Infidelity, what typically leads to multiple types of infidelity, whether it be sexual, financial, emotional, etc, is a need for a thrill.

Thrill Seeking Behavior

Thrill seeking behavior, as this study shows, can be triggered by sex or sexual images and the reasons at at the root of this behavior can often be tied to stress and fear.

When it comes to financial infidelity, one person may use money or shopping to relieve the stress of a bad day at work, a fight in a relationship, any one of a number of things. These things are similar triggers to what can cause a sexual affair, as well.

The bottom line is, there are behaviors going on behind the back of one of the partners. Obviously honesty is important, and it’s VERY important to be honest and not let the stresses, problems and temptations in your relationship get to the point of an infidelity! Learning how to talk through things you face, both as an individual and a couple, can be crucial to building a strong relationship.

Should You Stay In A Sexless Marriage? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 19:21:41 +0000

Many marriages go through tough, rocky times. Whether you’re emotionally distant with your partner or you’ve physically stopped being intimate, going through difficult times with your partner can be frustrating and hurtful.

If you and your partner have stopped having sex, whether you’re emotionally distant or not, should you stay in a sexless marriage for the sake of staying in the marriage?

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Staying Together For The Kids

Many married couples believe that it’s better to be unhappy in a marriage and stay together if they have children. They believe that raising their children in a traditional, nuclear family is the best way to go, whether they’re happy as a couple or not.

Many couples will simply grow apart but continue to stay married and live together for the sake of the children? Is this the best idea? Probably not. Married couples that are unhappy, fighting and emotionally divorced have just as much effect on children as physically divorced couples.

No matter what you decide to do, it’s going to have an effect on your children. In fact, it probably already has up to this point. Your biggest decision now is how to proceed. What will impact the children in the most positive way?

If you and your partner are constantly fighting or are so emotionally distant that it appears to your children that you can’t stand each other, there’s really no compelling reason to stay married. Your children will most likely be better off if you’re divorced, spending equal time with happier and more confident parents, even if you are apart.

Why Is The Marriage Sexless?

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Discover How The Foods You Eat Affect Your Performance In Bed!

Edward White, author The Orgasm And Ejaculation Control Guide — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 13:09:22 +0000

What you eat at the dinner table has a massive effect on how well you perform in the sack, and that’s a fact.

The length of your performance, the quality of your sexual technique and even the strength and reliability of your erections are all, to some degree or another, controlled by the foods you eat on a daily basis.

I know that’s a bold statement. But think of the relationship between your food and your sexual performance like the fuel used by your car.

Put the wrong type of gas in and, if you’re lucky, you’ll just about splutter a few feet, for a few seconds.

Eat the wrong foods and your sexual performance will be similarly impacted: you’ll conk out sooner and generally perform more poorly than if you were eating the best things, most of the time.

Okay, the question’s been posed: What can you eat to boost your sexual prowess? And how can the foods you consume improve your ability to put in, time and time again, a powerful and multi-orgasmic sexual performance for you and the woman you’re with?

First on the menu: Sexual Super-foods.

Sexual super-foods are the absolute best things you can eat to help you out in the bedroom, because they contain chemicals, fibers and vitamins that are all suited to boosting and improving your body in relation to love-making.

There are 7 different sexual super-foods, each containing a different selection of natural ingredients and therefore each targeting different areas of sexual skill. I’m going to tell you about one of them right now.

The blueberry is a sexual super-food often referred to as ‘nature’s little blue pill’ because of its remarkable similarities to the wonder drug ‘Viagra’. However, unlike ‘Viagra’, blueberries are cheap, readily available and able to be consumed in bulk!

The beauty of blueberries in regards to maximizing your sexual ability lies in what they contain. Firstly, they’re loaded with soluble fiber, which helps push excess cholesterol through your digestive system before it can be broken down, absorbed and deposited in your arteries.

They’re also packed with compounds that help relax your blood vessels and improve circulation throughout your body. The benefit of lower cholesterol and improved blood flow is more blood to you penis during sex and firmer erections as you get older. To harness the powers of this sexual super-food, which include stronger, longer lasting erections, pop a handful of blueberries into a fruit smoothie a couple of times a week.

Next on the menu: General nutrition and Health.

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I’m In A Sexless Marriage! What Happened? (Video)

Melody Brooke — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:45:15 +0000

Many people find themselves in sexless marriages. As unfortunate as it is, if you’re in a sexless marriage, you’re not alone.

Does that mean you have to live with it? Of course not! Here are some great ways to understand what is happening in your relationship and what you can do to fix it so you can turn the heat back up in your marriage.

First the sex was great… but suddenly I look up and I’m in a Sexless Marriage! What Happened?

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How Sexless Is Your Marriage?

Different couples have sex at different frequencies. Some married couples have sex once a week and they’re completely satisfied.

Other couples have sex once a week and they’re not satisfied. They feel like they should be having sex three or four times a week or even every day.

Whatever frequency of sex that makes you and your partner most comfortable and satisfied is your “magic” number. Don’t feel that if your friends or neighbors are having sex more often that you have to have sex the same amount or you’re not satisfied with your sex life.

Have sex as often or as little as it takes to keep both you and your partner happy and satisfied!

Hormonal Issues

If you truly aren’t satisfied with your sex life, it’s time to make a change. There’s no reason that you should not be in a marriage with a satisfying sex life!

There are a number of things that can contribute to a sexless marriage or an unsatisfying sex life, so it’s time to do a little digging.

Visit your doctor to rule out any physical reasons that might be decreasing you or your partner’s sex drive. Many couples in sexless marriages will find out from their doctor that they have an imbalance of hormones that is contributing to a lack of sex drive. Your doctor can help you determine if this is an issue for you and your partner or not.

Feeling Close Again

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Men, How Helping Around the House Can Get You Laid!

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:30:39 +0000

This article is about the aphrodisiac of a man offering, perhaps even insisting, that he help out around the house; meaning, there can be an incredible pay off for helping with household chores, if you play your cards right!

In dual career relationships, the household chores still predominantly fall to the woman to accomplish. This reality may be the result of some latent chauvinism.

Latent Chauvinism

However, it is likely because most men do not seem to care if the house is straightened up, dishes done, or even if laundry has been taken care of at the end of a day. Some men will make a shirt and suit last another day and buy a fresh pair of socks and underwear rather than stay on top of the laundry at home.

Women, on the other hand, with their nesting instincts and natural bent for seeing the big picture tend to organize what they consider the necessities of life, including straightening up the home, doing the dishes, and staying on top of the laundry.

If work is brought home or children are involved on top of what it takes to keep a home running smoothly, your woman can spend all her free time at home organizing and carrying through with her plans to get it all done including the things you don’t find important.

Even if this imbalance is just the result of a difference in personalities and not the result of chauvinism, it can still produce bitterness and resentment in her that gets in the way of good loving. There is a way to create balance and seduction at the same time.

Creating Balance

Create an opportunity to have a conversation with her where you volunteer to help. Where you intend to help around the house needs to be something you are actually interested in doing, so go into this prepared. You may be willing to be given a chore list. However, if there are things you just do not want to become responsible for, think about which responsibilities appeal to you.

A good place to begin the conversation is to tell her you appreciate how much she does to keep the house running smoothly. Tell her that if it were up to you, you would not notice all the things she does that make your house a home.

If this is true for you, share with her that you also like it when you find she has time to relax, put her feet up, or soak in the tub; how that kind of feminine expression makes her attractive to you. Then tell her you want to help around the house.

Her Reaction May Vary

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