Ask Dan and Jennifer » money issues

Angry Spending: The Next Wave

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 01:00:20 +0000

Are American consumers so angry they are spending recklessly, disregarding their budget or agreement with their spouse? Last week, I mentioned a study which stated that almost 80% of women are inclined to spend themselves out of misery and would go on a spending spree to cheer up, concluding that some women use shopping as an emotional regulator. Ironically this means that worrying about money can lead to spending more, which doesn’t bode well for many people who have had to cut back due to the recession.

Spending Addiction?

In regards to these patterns that are emerging out of our national – and personal! – financial crisis, I coined a new phrase: “Pent up Purchase!” This is similar to a phenomenon I’ve been studying in my practice for years – what I call a “POP shot,” or a “pissed off purchase.” These types of spending obviously aren’t healthy and when we participate in them, we’re playing off of part of the grieving process. Out of denial and anger, Americans have awakened to a new emotional response to the economic collapse. Our brain chemistry is negatively impacted when we suffer adversity. Our addiction to spending to get that “high” is a common response to spur dopamine production (feel good hormones). Because of this, the economic downturn we’re experiencing is a set-up for irresponsible spending, and an unhealthy replacement for emotional intimacy.

An Affair With Money

This leads to what I call the “money mistress” which can then give way to financial infidelity. This can be every bit as destructive and painful and a sexual affair (in fact, sometimes the two are intertwined!). A “pissed off purchase,” “money mistress” and “financial infidelity” all occur when you engage in reckless spending – whether that be spending over budget, spending behind your partner’s back, or spending as a way to avoid grief and as a type of self-medication.

I’m not trying to be alarmist and draw the conclusion that buying a pair of shoes to make yourself feel better is only one step away from financial infidelity. I’m merely suggesting that the two can lead to each other, and in a climate where everyone is over-stressed, over-worried and more on-edge than normal, these types of behaviors can heighten the likelihood that you will engage in more destructive patterns.

Breaking The Cycle

There’s no denying relationships are stressed right now, and just as we must be more financially vigilant and dedicated on a personal level, so we must be with our significant other. And it’s not just about money. Take some time to de-stress, relationally by spending time with each other in an attempt to take the pressure off of the worry that may be encroaching on your financial life.

It may seem like a vicious cycle: more stress=more tendency to spend=more stress. But doing things to remove stress from your life WITHOUT spending money will help break the cycle!

Breaking A Financial Addiction Cycle

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 00:00:09 +0000

While many of us are strapped for cash, seeing our income or savings take a hit, and planning our savings strategy, do you know someone who just can’t seem to help making certain purchases they’d be better off not making? Maybe your partner has this struggle, or maybe it’s even something you are dealing with personally. I call this financial infidelity (which is also the title of my latest book) and when I saw it cropping up before the recession, it was usually acted out in the form of larger purchases – maybe even something the person could afford. But now this type of addiction is even more detrimental as many people who engage in this type of behavior honestly CANNOT afford it – relationally OR financially.

What Exactly Is Financial Infidelity?

Of course, a purchase or behavior that qualifies as financial infidelity is dangerous no matter what, but what has the potential to bankrupt your relationship could also have the potential to be even more financially damaging than before. There are a number of ways people engage in financial infidelity – and they don’t always involve large, big ticket purchases. It could be as small as getting an extra $20 back from your grocery shopping, if that’s something you can’t afford and don’t want your partner to know about.

Even when we’re financially strapped, financial infidelity is still likely to be taking place – and in some cases, even more likely. The reason is that the behaviors that stimulate these feelings can easily become addictive. For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.

Can You Break The Cycle?

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances. You could engage in Smart Heart dialogue where you use a transition in life to ask crucial questions and uncover you and your partners ideas about money. You could focus on your “Imago” – the way you look at money based on your past – both as an individual and as a couple.

The important this is to not let the stress get the better of you and to keep engaging eachother in honest conversation. It’s hard not to let these conversations escalate, but it’s important to keep a neutral tone so that each person feels comfortable talking about their concerns:

*Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings – truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your “agenda.”

*Detach from your emotions – try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.

After a fair and productive conversation, remember things that each person need to work on, in order to avoid financial infidelity or a need for thrill-seeking behavior.

Why Guys Get A Bad Rap

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:22:11 +0000

In the 21st century, with more and more women are out-earning their peers, and even sometimes their partners, things are changing for men as well.

According to a recent survey of men – broken down into five sections: Lifestyle, Dating, Sexuality, Power & Money and Men in 2008 – more and more men are also breaking out of what could be considered traditional “gender roles.” Whether that means they are supporting the women in their lives, taking on more domestic roles, or becoming more monogamous, the survey debunked many of the standard stereotypes to show that the modern man is one driven by a sense of values, loyalty and family.

The Numbers Might Surprise You

* 60% of men are nostalgic for the days when a handshake in business meant something
* 77% of men look for girlfriends with “wife potential”
* 69% of men would never cheat on their partner
* 57% of men cook at home and enjoying doing it
* 56% of men said that being a good father or husband makes a man “manly”
• 61% of men feel that no commercial depictions of the male gender are accurate ones

Of course there are no doubt still men who fall outside these percentages. The survey talked to women, too, to get their take on similar subjects and found a number of interesting things: 20% of women admitted to having had more than 15 sex partners, while only 17% of the male respondents said have had more than 15 partners.

By contrast, when women decide to “settle down” with someone, they tend to be more satisfied with that person and with their sex life. Thirty-four percent of females respondents said they would not change a thing about their lovers, while only 17% of men said the same. Additionally, 23% of female respondents are completely satisfied with their sex lives, versus only 14% of males.

Honesty And Finances

The survey definitely went a ways towards helping to debunk some myths about both genders and how they perceive themselves and their relationship. If we can be this open and honest in the context of a survey, we should practice that kind of honesty in our relationships, especially where money is concerned, as finances can be a huge source of strife for couples.

Many of the percentages expressed in the above scenarios also have a monetary component to them, and it’s important to talk about that component as well, since it often creates underlying issues. Learning to talk about money can be a difficult experience for some. But the social taboos around finances tend to be falling away, too and this can be a good thing when it comes to discussing your financial future with someone. Start early on in the dating process and get to know each others’ views and priorities.

How To Manage Money Issues in a Loving Relationship

Laurie Weiss — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 15:30:20 +0000

When "money" is a couple’s issue, is there any way to get past it and still have a loving and supportive relationship, especially if every other aspect of the relationship is strong and loving other than the ways of looking at money (particularly in tough times)?

This money question from Jenny describes a problem many couples face. Money issues can be especially intense because money discussions are usually about much more than just money.

When Money Becomes an Issue

In tough times the money issue comes up because it represents a very basic need—security. When you feel threatened your normal rational way of functioning often becomes very primitive.

Your basic emotional instincts take over without their normal restraint. Therefore, the number one rule is to NOT discuss money when you are scared about not getting what you need. It’s very hard to be rational when you’re afraid and you can’t solve anything when you feel that way.

What You Can Do Differently

A couple of things you can do differently is to have some money talks when you’re feeling calm and connected. You can try these questions to stimulate a different kind of conversation. They’re based on Transactional Analysis (TA), a system for understanding, predicting and changing behavior that was developed in the 60’s.

TA explains that you act in at least 3 distinctly different ways. One, your Child Ego State is emotional. Another, your Parent Ego State is driven by and expresses rules you believe are necessary and important. The third, your Adult Ego State operates rationally and makes assessments and predictions based on information.

In computer terms, you can open any of three different programs and use them to address the problem. Some programs provide answers that are more practical than others, but each program gives you a “correct” answer based on it’s own system.

Questions to Ask

These questions are designed to discover the answers those six different programs the two of you are coming up with about money issues. Once you can see how complex this information really is, you can begin to sort it out instead of just arguing about it.

How would each of your parents tell you to solve the problem? Include step-parents or any other important parent figure as well. (Parent rules)

What would each of your parents do (have done) if they needed to solve this problem themselves? (Parent models that may become rules for you)

What would you do if you could do exactly what you want to do and nobody was watching and you didn’t have to answer to anybody about what you did? (Your own Child)

What are your resources and what are your options? You have this information when you stop to think about it. (Your Adult)

What’s Next?

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