Ask Dan and Jennifer » money problems

Do You Stash Cash?

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 01:00:36 +0000

No, I’m not talking about an emergency supply you may have in a kit for a natural disaster or the like (in which case you SHOULD stash your money!), I’m talking about those of us who have a habit of keeping our cash around the house. It’s even more understandable given the recent collapse of banks and all this uncertainty, but consider the example – albeit extreme – of the woman in Tel Aviv who had stashed $1 million in cash under her mattress (literally), which was then hauled away to the dump. The cash still hasn’t been recovered.

According to MSNBC, statistics on the number of people in the U.S. who stash cash at home are hard to come by, but a 2007 survey of 1,500 British adults by Virgin Money found 8 percent of them stash between approximately $500 to $1,650 around the house, usually tucked within a drawer, mattress or safe.

Locked Up Tight?

Utilizing a safe may be one thing, but too often cash-stashers don’t secure their loot behind a combination lock, which can lead to all kinds of problems – the money accidentally being thrown out, donated (when stashed inside a jacket pocket for instance), or stolen. Then you have the risk of fire or even forgetting where you put it!

An exercise I suggest in my book to people who have unhealthy relationships to and with money is to figure out their financial Imago, which I discuss in my book Financial Infidelity – which deals with peoples’ romantic relationships as well as their relationship with money.

Your Relationship With Money

Depending on your stage in life, and your stage in the relationship, there are crucial questions you need to answer. How do you feel about debt? How much debt do you have? Are you a risk-taker or are you risk-averse? Will the kids go to private school? Will we fund their college education in its entirety? Who will pay when we go out? How often will we go out and how often will we eat in?

Of course, these are only a few, sample questions to touch on before you head into significant life changes, but they are a good place to start. Many times you many not even know how to answer those questions yourself, much less how you will answer them as a couple. And just as often, you will have a knee-jerk reaction as to how to answer them that may be completely opposite from your partners. It’s always best to get those reactions out in the open before you find yourself “in the heat of battle!”

If you uncover that your passion for stashin’ is somewhat hereditary, you may want to go around emptying out drawers of heirloom dressers … JUST KIDDING!

Angry Spending: The Next Wave

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 01:00:20 +0000

Are American consumers so angry they are spending recklessly, disregarding their budget or agreement with their spouse? Last week, I mentioned a study which stated that almost 80% of women are inclined to spend themselves out of misery and would go on a spending spree to cheer up, concluding that some women use shopping as an emotional regulator. Ironically this means that worrying about money can lead to spending more, which doesn’t bode well for many people who have had to cut back due to the recession.

Spending Addiction?

In regards to these patterns that are emerging out of our national – and personal! – financial crisis, I coined a new phrase: “Pent up Purchase!” This is similar to a phenomenon I’ve been studying in my practice for years – what I call a “POP shot,” or a “pissed off purchase.” These types of spending obviously aren’t healthy and when we participate in them, we’re playing off of part of the grieving process. Out of denial and anger, Americans have awakened to a new emotional response to the economic collapse. Our brain chemistry is negatively impacted when we suffer adversity. Our addiction to spending to get that “high” is a common response to spur dopamine production (feel good hormones). Because of this, the economic downturn we’re experiencing is a set-up for irresponsible spending, and an unhealthy replacement for emotional intimacy.

An Affair With Money

This leads to what I call the “money mistress” which can then give way to financial infidelity. This can be every bit as destructive and painful and a sexual affair (in fact, sometimes the two are intertwined!). A “pissed off purchase,” “money mistress” and “financial infidelity” all occur when you engage in reckless spending – whether that be spending over budget, spending behind your partner’s back, or spending as a way to avoid grief and as a type of self-medication.

I’m not trying to be alarmist and draw the conclusion that buying a pair of shoes to make yourself feel better is only one step away from financial infidelity. I’m merely suggesting that the two can lead to each other, and in a climate where everyone is over-stressed, over-worried and more on-edge than normal, these types of behaviors can heighten the likelihood that you will engage in more destructive patterns.

Breaking The Cycle

There’s no denying relationships are stressed right now, and just as we must be more financially vigilant and dedicated on a personal level, so we must be with our significant other. And it’s not just about money. Take some time to de-stress, relationally by spending time with each other in an attempt to take the pressure off of the worry that may be encroaching on your financial life.

It may seem like a vicious cycle: more stress=more tendency to spend=more stress. But doing things to remove stress from your life WITHOUT spending money will help break the cycle!

Breaking A Financial Addiction Cycle

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 00:00:09 +0000

While many of us are strapped for cash, seeing our income or savings take a hit, and planning our savings strategy, do you know someone who just can’t seem to help making certain purchases they’d be better off not making? Maybe your partner has this struggle, or maybe it’s even something you are dealing with personally. I call this financial infidelity (which is also the title of my latest book) and when I saw it cropping up before the recession, it was usually acted out in the form of larger purchases – maybe even something the person could afford. But now this type of addiction is even more detrimental as many people who engage in this type of behavior honestly CANNOT afford it – relationally OR financially.

What Exactly Is Financial Infidelity?

Of course, a purchase or behavior that qualifies as financial infidelity is dangerous no matter what, but what has the potential to bankrupt your relationship could also have the potential to be even more financially damaging than before. There are a number of ways people engage in financial infidelity – and they don’t always involve large, big ticket purchases. It could be as small as getting an extra $20 back from your grocery shopping, if that’s something you can’t afford and don’t want your partner to know about.

Even when we’re financially strapped, financial infidelity is still likely to be taking place – and in some cases, even more likely. The reason is that the behaviors that stimulate these feelings can easily become addictive. For instance, for any addict, the choice to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alchohol, medications, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.

Can You Break The Cycle?

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication, and there are many different ways to communicate your feelings about money and finances. You could engage in Smart Heart dialogue where you use a transition in life to ask crucial questions and uncover you and your partners ideas about money. You could focus on your “Imago” – the way you look at money based on your past – both as an individual and as a couple.

The important this is to not let the stress get the better of you and to keep engaging eachother in honest conversation. It’s hard not to let these conversations escalate, but it’s important to keep a neutral tone so that each person feels comfortable talking about their concerns:

*Echo what you hear and validate your partner’s feelings – truly listen to the other person and let them hear you repeat their thoughts and concerns back to them. This assures them that you ARE paying attention and not just continuing with your “agenda.”

*Detach from your emotions – try not to let your responses be emotional, but rather focus on the facts and the truth.

After a fair and productive conversation, remember things that each person need to work on, in order to avoid financial infidelity or a need for thrill-seeking behavior.

Make Up, Don’t Break Up In A Bad Economy

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 13:00:29 +0000

The New York Times has an interesting article about another victim of the recession: the easy divorce. The article mentions that couples used to argue over who got the house, the assets, etc. Now they’re arguing about who gets stuck with these things – which have often depreciated in value, and can be costly to maintain, sell, or simply hang on to.

The article mentions several couples that have been either planning to divorce or in the midst of divorce before the market took a downturn. Now, in some cases, they’re forced to put the proceedings on hold, and are living under the same roof with someone they’d prefer to be separated from.

Re-Evaluating Your Motivations Towards Divorce

If nothing else, the financial situations of many couples are forcing them to think harder about the “ease” of divorce – and I’m a firm believer that most marriages can be saved. Of course it’s miserable to share your home with someone who – if things had gone differently – would’ve been out the door months ago. Take this opportunity to re-evaluate more closely the reasons for breaking up or divorcing, it may end up being just what your relationship needed. By utilizing methods of financial and personal discussion – which I also talk about in my book, Make up Don’t Break up – you may be able to come at some of your problems from a more neutral place.

Money can be the number one relationship wrecker and if money problems have helped get you into a situation where you want to divorce it may seem counter-intuitive to think that during a financial crisis you can repair your relationship. I would encourage you to put effort into re-building your relationship. If you have to share a house, you may as well try to make your partnership work.

Communication Is The Key

I recommend couples considering divorce or a break up use the “Money Love Language” that I discuss in my book, Financial Infidelity. This language is a way of thinking and talking about finances that helps you share your financial history with someone you’re becoming intimate with. Many of these conversations can be triggered by a transition in a relationship – like the financial transitions many couples find themselves in right now!

When it comes to stressful financial times, remember: both people need to know what’s going on, need to be able to give input and need to feel like they can voice their concerns. If the burden is falling on one person, the added stress of an unstable market can lead to poor decision making, including financial infidelity – where one person is making decisions, purchases or withdrawals behind the other’s back as a way of mitigating the added stress they’re feeling.

Aside from working through finances as a couple, you should also take times to do other things with each other to attempt to rebuild your relationship – watch your favorite TV show (which is free entertainment!). Listen to music together, meditate, cook dinner together, exercise together. Use these unexpected financial transitions to be open and honest in finding out what you can about the other person’s view of money.

Illusions And Magical Thinking In A Financial World

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 19:58:16 +0000

I’ve noticed a lot more people playing the lottery recently. Maybe they figure now is the time they’d need the win most, or because things are so bad economically they haven’t got anything to lose. Aside from the fact that playing the lottery can simply be an irresponsible financial decision, in some cases there’s more that comes into play. These people may be prone to magical thinking.

What Is Magical Thinking When It Comes Your Finances?

As I mention in my book, Financial Infidelity, when it comes to money, most adults pride themselves on their practical approach to handling their own finances. But when it comes to cooperatively managing shared resources in an intimate relationship, I have seen even the most savvy financial managers—individuals who handle negotiations, investments, and expenditures of huge sums of money in their careers—engage in magical thinking, rather than initiate discussions about money with their
partners.

Some questions to ask yourself in order to reveal this type of thinking are:

• Are you a gambler?
• Do you expect to win if you buy a lottery ticket?
• Do you believe it’s just as easy to find a rich spouse as a poor spouse?
• Do you believe you can influence your financial situation, or do you think that things
will eventually “just work out”?
• Do you avoid discussions about money?
• Do you feel financially secure, even if you don’t have money put away?

Don’t Turn A Blind Eye To A Financial Crisis

There are no “magical solutions.” In other words, you likely won’t win the lottery, and even if you do, you haven’t changed any behaviors, you’ve just added more money into the equation. Turning a blind eye to a financial crisis won’t make things better. Putting off planning for the future doesn’t REALLY make for less work in the short-run.

Many people engage in these types of magical thinking patterns because they’re afraid to rock the boat with their partner – and as we all know, issues of money lend themselves to being rocky! At some point or another, most people have been guilty of magical thinking, but in most cases, they can navigate through the temptations to think things will just “get better” by talking with their partner and discussing fears and finances. They realize that heated discussions, arguments, even passionate fights are part of the process of negotiating the differences between two individuals. They are able to set aside the fear of abandonment and be courageous instead of comfortable, proactive instead of defensive.

If you find yourself prone to magical thinking – planning to win the lottery or hoping your financial issues will just work themselves out – it’s crucial for your own mental and financial well-being that you break down barriers of communication and talk about these issues. It may not be comfortable at first, but this is one “magic spell” that needs to be broken!

The Brain/Credit Card Connection and Your Relationship

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:33:10 +0000

You are likely carrying around an emotional connection, and therefore, baggage, you didn’t even know you had. It’s a connection between your brain and your credit card debt; between your thoughts and feelings and why and how you spend money. It helps explain your views on money and debt and why you react to these things in certain ways.

Knowing about these connections and your money patterns won’t excuse you from financial problems you might face, but you can help nip these problems, and any repercussions they might have, in the bud.

I call these brain/money connections the Biochemical Craving for Connection.” It starts when stress causes thrill-seeking behavior. The stress can be linked as far back as childhood but can also be due to recent pain or emotional distress.

The thrill-seeking behavior can be in the form of financial or sexual conquests and infidelities.

You’re looking for ways to self-medicate and to help calm stress levels down. At the same time, these indiscretions give you another kind of high and the cycle starts: Give into sexual or financial pressure to help relieve stress, feel a “high” for a moment, then return to stressful feelings about the situation. Eventually, the only thing that can help your problem is the problem itself!

Areas in the Brain That Communicate With Each Other

There are several areas in the brain that communicate with each other to influence emotion. When it comes to dealing with extreme behaviors such as addiction, infidelity and poor decision making, these areas may be involved:

*The limbic system is made up of several structures that work together to control emotion, hormonal secretions, moods and pain/pleasure reflexes.

*The hippocampus is a structure within the limbic system and plays a role in emotion. If this area is damaged, it can reduce your ability to distinguish safe and dangerous situation, leading you to seek out situations that may FEEL safe, but in reality, aren’t. Things like sexual affairs or financial infidelity.

*The ventral striatum and the nucleus accumbens help process satisfaction and happiness. These areas are also associated with assessing risk reward and gratification. When these areas aren’t functioning properly, people may get involved with addictive behaviors leading to things like gambling, affairs, etc., in order to stimulate pleasure responses.

For people struggling with things like debt and/or financial infidelity, it’s helpful to figure out if these areas of the brain are coming into play. It’s also helpful to figure out what types of stressors may have triggered the Biochemical Craving for Connection in the first place so you can deal with the root cause.

Women: 5 Ways To Save Your Marriage

Michael Webb — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 14:03:47 +0000

Is your marriage in trouble? No matter how bad, there’s always hope and ways to turn your situation around.

Here are five common ways to help create a better, more loving and harmonious relationship with your husband.

1. Handle arguments differently

Every marriage and relationship has arguments, but it’s how you handle them that’s most important.

At Junior High School, I said ‘no’ to drugs. At my wedding altar, I said ‘no’ to fighting. Nancy Reagan’s "Just Say No" anti-drug campaign was a huge success.

Kids made a verbal commitment and a mental stance to avoid drugs before they were even of the age to be tempted. When they were introduced to drugs, they knew they could "just say no" and not feel alone.

Fighting is NOT harmless. It’s addictive and, if continued, is likely to cause irreparable damage. Certainly there are times when emotions get wrinkled, and the natural inclination is to blow your top.

I sometimes have to bite my tongue so I don’t say something I would regret later (since when is self-control a bad thing?) Having a naturally calm personality has admittedly made it easier for me to think before I speak than it is for some people. But that shouldn’t stop anyone from trying.

2. How to make him listen

In most relationships, a polite and sincere request gets much greater results than if you yell, nag or complain.

For example, the other day Athena saw my bath towel on the middle of our bedroom floor. She said "you might want to hang up your towel or it won’t dry out in time for your shower tomorrow." When my clothes pile up outside of the hamper, she sweetly says, "it would really help me out a lot if you put your dirty clothes in the hamper."

She was exhausted one morning and when Ashton (then five months old) began to stir, she turned over to me and asked if I wanted to "get up and have a little morning playtime with Ashton."

That was a much nicer way of asking me to help her out than saying, "Why am I the one who always gets up early to take care of YOUR son? I think it is YOUR turn for a change." Athena always thinks of nice ways to ask me to help out or to stop doing something irritating.

3. Turn gossip and bashing into praise

No one’s perfect. When wives get together and the conversation turns to complaining about “what their husbands do,” or male bashing in general, refuse to participate.

It shows that you respect and value your husband. For a man, few things are more devastating than to have his wife criticize him in front of friends. Instead, when a "gripe session" gets going, make it a point to start sharing some of his good qualities.

Usually, this alone will steer the conversation into a positive direction and help your friends to also praise their husbands — which in turn helps them to respect and appreciate them more too. Knowing that my wife refuses to belittle me in front of friends makes me love and respect her even more.

4. Change your routine of life

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