Ask Dan and Jennifer » new relationship

How to Get Rid Of Your Emotional Baggage Before Your Next Relationship

Nick Arrizza MD — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 13:44:08 +0000

If you’ve been in a relationship before and you’re entering a new one you likely carry the war scars of the last one with you. What are to consequences to you and your new relationship of walking in handicapped?

Well you’re likely feeling a bit defensive, somewhat jaded about the opposite sex and about relationships in general, you’ve likely started to engage in some sort of “game playing” in order to stay safe or to manipulate your new mate, you are unlikely to allow yourself to become too intimate early on or perhaps at all and so on.

What does all this amount to?

Well certainly not a healthy relationship and definitely another failed one!

The Danger of Carrying the Past With You

You see so many individuals who have had unsatisfying relationships in the past actually carry the trauma of these within yet assume that is a normal part of the learning process and never question it.

It has been my experience that this is not unlike a form of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which clearly affects and undermines the person’s ability to achieve a successful, healthy and happy relationship in their future. This is the reason that so many individuals, later in their lives have turned away from the idea of relationship and towards a solitary existence.

Is there a solution to this problem? Absolutely!

Uninstall the Memories of Past Relationships

You see now for the first time it is possible to uninstall the memories of previous unhealthy relationships from the mind/body consciousness. As hard as this is to believe it actually helps to restore one to their original state of purity and authenticity.

This then allows them not only to enter the new relationship feeling more present, open, honest and confident it also gives them a great sense of resilience. The latter is something that few individuals ever have yet the most important component in my view.

The process that uninstalls memories is called the Mind Resonance Process® (MRP) and it is based on a very simple yet powerful principle that I discovered over a decade ago while I practiced as a psychiatrist.

MRP, unlike psychotherapy, unearths and outrightly challenges unconscious beliefs you have stored within you about memories such as a) why they are apparently useful to you, b) why you “think” you can’t release them and most amazingly c) the belief that they actually happened to you.

MRP compares the apparent “usefulness” of having negative memories inside you against what it actually feels like to have them there. This simple yet profound approach can literally help restore one’s relationship life in a very short time as has been witnesses by hundreds of individuals in thousands of sessions.

Can you imagine entering into your next relationship and feeling as exhilarated as if it was the first one all over again? To have such an experience kindly visit my web site for a free consultation.

How to Recover From an Emotional Hangover and Create a Healthy Relationship (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 13 May 2008 14:24:42 +0000

Whether you’ve been in a bad relationship, have been cheated on or even been abused, it is possible for you to carry the emotional baggage with you even once the situation itself has passed.

Women especially are vulnerable to emotional hangovers and can let bad experiences affect them continually, even in new relationships.

Unfortunately, until you get a grip on your emotions, you’re slowly going to poison any relationship that you have.

You need to break the patterns in order to move on.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hello, I read your article on the free library and it connected with me. I am very insecure to the extent I am destroying my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating now for almost 3 yrs. He has been sincere but I somehow still manage to not having any faith in him. My ex’s cheated on me and my boyfriend says I am carrying it over into our relationship.

I hate the fact that I am becoming such a monster, that I can’t control my thoughts and that I am loosing the man I want as a husband. We want to start 2008 fresh.

How does one ‘let go and let things be?’ How can I solve my problems? How can I clear my head and heart out and move forward? Where do I start and what should I do? Please help.

- Ulrika, South Africa

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How Sex Is Different After Divorce

Jason Likert — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 14:15:10 +0000

Just kidding! It’s not…

Sex, in all of its intimate glory, is the same wonderful act you experienced in your marriage.

Unfortunately, for many men this may not necessarily be the case, because as a woman’s emotional attachment to her mate decreases, so does her physical attraction.

As one of the multitude of divorced men, you may have been in a loveless, sexless marriage with your spouse. Now that you’re unattached and "back on the market" per se, you could be gunning for more physical intimacy than you experienced in your last relationship.

This isn’t necessarily negative; sex is a natural act and the fact that you desire it means your heart is pumping in your chest.

What Is Different About Sex After a Divorce?

Nothing at the surface level. But dig deeper and there may be emotional issues you are battling in regards to your rediscovered physical freedom.

If you are one of those men who was in a low sex relationship with your spouse you may have learned to repress your natural urges and instincts. Now that you are single, you no longer have anything holding you back from pursuing the physical relationship that you desire.

Sex in marriage can often be a liberating experience that each partner shares.

Physical attraction is the glue that pulls people together in ways that they can express by sharing. People who bond at those levels connect deeply with each other and sex adds another bond between them that connects their emotional relationship with the physical.

A divorce alters that, makes you question yourself, and leaves you without that bond.

Don’t Play Emotional Russian Roulette with Your New Partner

Emotions run deep in most relationships, particularly in a marriage when you’ve been intimate with the same partner for years.

When granted the freedom to be with who you want it’s possible to give undesired love to your new partner. You may be craving that emotional connection you shared with your spouse and now you are laying it on your new girlfriend (or boyfriend) and letting it cloud your emotions.

Essentially you are playing Russian Roulette with your feelings with your partner.

Don’t Repeat Mistakes by Trying Not to Repeat Them

Some of the best advice I’ve ever received was from my divorced brother. It was quite simple and obvious yet I previously had not thought of this.

"Don’t let yourself put blinders on to your new relationship by looking for what you didn’t get from your last."

It was remarkable.

Looking inward it’s possible to see that we consciously and unconsciously judge our past and current relationships against one another. Naturally we’ll focus on the flaws on our past relationships and how our new partner does or doesn’t compare.

We sometimes miss our mark and overlook the flaws of our new partner because they meet some of the needs we didn’t receive from our past lovers.

What Does All This Mean?

Look inward as you approach new relationships, and try to know what your needs and wants really are.

Be sure you are emotionally ready to become intimate with a new partner and that it will be a healthy experience. It’s easier to be comfortable with another person when you are comfortable with yourself. Sex is a natural expression of this comfort and attraction.

Jason Likert is the founder of DivorcedDadsOnline.com. The goal of DivorcedDadsOnline.com is to provide a support network for divorced (and divorcing) fathers and common-sense advice for parents whether divorced or married.

Too Comfortable? What to Do When Your Man Gets Complacent and Stops Trying (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 29 Apr 2007 18:55:53 +0000

In the first days and weeks of dating and courtship, everything is exciting, exhilarating, rosy, and wonderful. Ah, the joys of lust and the magical infatuation phase of a new relationship.

But then after a while, sometimes just a short while, many people (yes, both men and women) let themselves get comfortable and stop trying so hard. The new relationship is now ’set in stone’, and they assume it’s a given they’ll still have that new partner tomorrow.

After months of surprises, flowers, chocolates, and romantic candlelit dinners, it’s hard to see all that end so abruptly. Not only that, but you want the romance to blossom and grow, not just to continue as it was!

For whatever reason, men tend to be particularly bad about this – taking their new girlfriend (and yes, especially their wife) for granted. What’s even worse is that concerns or complaints about the change in attitude and behavior are typically met with defensive and resentful responses, if they don’t fall on deaf ears all together.

You had a great thing and don’t want to break up… but what do you do?

What can you do to make him treat you like he used to – to bring the romance back into your relationship?

Here are our thoughts on this topic. Be sure to read the question, then watch the video and leave your thoughts below.

Here’s the full story…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We’ve only been together for 4 months and I’m noticing that my boyfriend isn’t doing certain things that he use to do and I’ve mentioned it to him a few times but he hasn’t come around. All he says is "sorry" and "I hear you".

I spoil him (Cook, clean, rub his back) which I enjoy doing because I love to see him happy but then again I don’t want to get the short end of the stick either.

I wonder if I should take a step back, but then I don’t want to push him away and make him think that I don’t want him. He is used to dating women that need materialistic things and he feels that as long as he provides me with those things that I should be happy.

I’ve explained to him that I make my own money and I can provide for myself, what I need is a man that adores me and cuddles and says sweet things in my ear.

Don’t get me wrong he is a good guy, but I want to nip this in the rear before it gets out of control. Please Help!!!

- Angelina

Watch this short video for the answer…

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