Ask Dan and Jennifer » other woman

How Keeping A Journal Can Reveal If Your Lover Is Cheating

Jim Walthby — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 13:05:32 +0000

Our minds aren’t perfect at remembering special details and specific facts. Far from it.

Our brains work selectively; they store and recall certain bits of information while forgetting others.

For example, you might remember, for whatever reason, a phone number that has little or no importance to you, but forget the birthday of someone you really should buy a present for.

For the most part, this selective/subjective memory trait creates no real problems in our day to day lives. We can look up a number if we forget it, or ask a friend of a friend for the day of the month on which someone’s birthday falls.

When Selective Memory Is A Problem

However, sometimes it can make things slightly trickier. One such time is when we suspect our partner may be cheating on us. Imagine you walk into the room just as your partner is putting down the phone and they seem a little on edge or tense as they turn around and see you.

The incident may stick out in your mind for weeks, niggling at you, making you wonder: did it mean something, was it a sign? Fast forward to a different occasion, when your partner returns home from a business meeting or other engagement late and immediately jumps in the shower, even before properly saying ‘hi’ to you.

You might rationalize their behavior by thinking: “Well, they were probably tired or something. They surely just felt like refreshing themselves with a shower,” then forget all about it.

You might be 100% right, but that’s not really the point. The strange phone incident and the unusual dash to the bathroom on returning home could both have happened because your partner is cheating on you, and conversely they both could be wholly innocent and not caused by infidelity.

The point here is, remembering one incident over the other and thus giving it more weight or meaning than the other in your mind could potentially make it much more difficult to ascertain what is or isn’t going on, whether they’re trustworthy or not.

So, to combat the human tendency to selectively remember and therefore consider some incidents more than others, and therefore improve your chances of revealing the truth, you should keep an objective, non-selective record of everything that happens. Here’s how it works:

Keep A Journal

Use a journal or diary, not a digital method of recording events, changes in behavior/habits/moods, etc. Noting things in your own handwriting allows each piece of information recorded to be absorbed more deeply and permanently by your mind than if you type them out quickly on a computer.

Also, paper records (a diary, journal, etc.) are usually more portable than laptops, PC’s, etc., which could come in handy if/when you spot a potential sign of infidelity away from home.

Be Objective

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8 Ways You May be Betraying Your Lover

Scott and Stephen Petullo — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 18:45:17 +0000

Infidelity comes in many different forms besides having a sexual relationship with someone other than your lover, assuming you’ve agreed to a monogamous relationship with that person.

We’re often asked how romantic betrayal relates to spiritual tenets such as karma and personal destiny. In two words, a lot. Our long-term empirical research firmly indicates that everything you do and say will return to you, and usually not in the same lifetime.

The Big Picture

When looking at the big picture in relation to your love life, it’s important to realize that key circumstances and events, "good" and "bad," happen because that’s the way your soul (not your personality) planned them before birth so you can learn your lessons and grow spiritually.

However, you do have free will to make the most of every situation. You can also limit your future life karma by treating others as you want to be treated now. Below we list five ways you may be betraying your lover, possibly even without realizing you’re doing so.

1. Emotional Cheating

You have an emotionally intimate relationship with someone other than your spouse. You’re not sleeping with this other person, but still you have an intimate connection that you explore and nurture. If this sort of relationship isn’t acceptable with your spouse, then you are betraying them.

2. Fantasizing Outside the Relationship

You’re regularly fantasizing about someone else, even while in bed with your partner. If you and your partner have an agreement that it’s okay to do so, then fine, but beyond that, it’s a form of betrayal.

3. Disregarding Personal Health

You stop maintaining your health, take up unhealthy habits that cause your looks to deteriorate and, or otherwise are not making the most of your appearance and looking your best for your partner.

4. Decreasing Sexual Frequency

You limit the amount of sex between you and your significant other. Worse, you start to offer sex to your partner only under certain conditions, perhaps in exchange for something such as giving you more of his or her disposable income.

5. Cutting Off Your Partner

You cut off your lover emotionally or intellectually, or otherwise limit or sever vital human contact. Sure, relationships go through certain stages where you may change the way you relate, but to intentionally starve him or her of the type of emotional or mental contact you had prior is a form of betrayal.

6. Financial Irresponsibility

You are not financially responsible, spend more than you both make or have, and risk his or her good credit standing. Telling your lover he or she should be making more money isn’t an excuse for spending too much.

7. Just Pretending

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Lying Virgin – Do Hookers and Hand Jobs Count? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 14:44:41 +0000

If you’re in a relationship, you’re likely to be with someone who has had at least one other partner before you. Sometimes you’re with someone who hasn’t, or sometimes they’ve had more than they can count on their fingers . . . and toes.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It can be difficult getting over the other women but not impossible.

Here’s how to come to terms with your partner’s past partners.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. When we were first together he said that he was a virgin. Since he was 20 I found this surprising but I trusted him. Only after I slept with him did he confess that he had been with someone when he was deployed in Korea (he’s in the army). He paid for it I think she was only a bartender not a regular hooker. She also did oral on him and he has received "hand jobs" and oral one other time. Now that I know all these I can’t get out of my head of him with other women and I am constantly worrying that I am not the best out of them. How do I get over the idea of my boyfriend being with a hooker of all people and the others? And to stop comparing myself?

- Laura, Ohio

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Realize They’ve Had Other Partners

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Think Cheaters Are Always the Bad Guys? You May Be Wrong…

Melody Brooke — Wed, 21 May 2008 13:05:54 +0000

It’s all over the media, Maury Pauvich, Joey Bosco’s “Cheater” series, the front page of the New York Times with the story of Elliot Spitzer, and of course, Bill Clinton. Now, in our culture, there is nothing worse than a cheater, is there?

We hate them for being unfaithful to their wives, husbands, girlfriends, or boyfriends, for breaking their contract to be faithful. We love country and western songs of retaliation for cheaters. (e.g. Carrie Underwood’s "Before He Cheats") In Texas, not so long ago, it was legal to shoot your wife if you found her having sex with someone else.

Cheaters are considered the worst kind of bad guy. Our hearts go out to the poor victims of a cheater’s actions. It makes for great drama involving our anger, rage and sense of self-righteousness.

Why cheating is so disturbing

The whole concept of “cheating” is something I find intriguing. If you have a relationship with someone, don’t you want them to want to only be with you? Of course you do!

That’s why it breaks our hearts when they chose to do otherwise. But if they want to be with someone else, well, we don’t really have the relationship we thought we did do we? That, to me is the place for the pain.

Cheating is a symptom of a relationship that is not complete. I think this is what “Dr. Laura” was trying to say about Elliott Spitzer’s wife, not that she was responsible for his cheating, but that, hey, something had to be amiss in the relationship for this to be taking place.

When someone “cheats” they are seen as the “bad guy” and the poor hapless “victim” is the object of our compassion, while the “cheater”, well, he’s just “bad”.

We have these marriage contracts and unwritten contracts with our partners that we will be “faithful” to them and our rage is incited when they “break the contract”. We don’t stop and wonder, “Oh, what is going on here that my partner wants to be with someone else?” No, we think, “That jerk!” (or whatever expletive we choose)

Has someone been wronged?

Our focus is on someone having been “wronged”, “done dirty” and leaving the “victim” to be perceived of as the “helpless victim” of this “bad person” who cheated on them.

When someone is having sex with someone other than his or her partner. Well then, they don’t really consider that person their partner do they? What has happened is that the partnership is null and void at that point. So in reality, there can be no “cheating” when there was no partnership in place anyway.

When I realized my husband was having sex with someone else my heart was broken. But I did not and do not think of him as a “cheater.” Our relationship was in shambles at that point and he was acting out on the pain he was in by finding someone else. My heart was broken because the reality of his choosing to have sex with someone else meant that he no longer considered me his partner. It meant he had given up on us. This is what broke my heart.

What the marriage contract really about

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Why Won’t He Break Up With Me Already?! (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 17:02:03 +0000

Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy.

Then suddenly one day, Girl meets a different boy. Oops.

Girl is shocked, confused (well, not THAT confused), and too afraid to tell the first boy about the new boy…

So what’s a girl to do?

This is a classic story that repeats itself over and over.

Yet this story rarely has a happy ending…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My boyfriend and I have been dating a few years now.

Now I met this other guy whom I really like. He has a girlfriend though he likes me more. I am flirtier with him. He makes me laugh and he is really cute. My parents and friends like him too. While hanging out we ended kissing.

I’ve been pushing my boyfriend away for awhile and he knows it and he don’t care. I am not happy when I am with him. I don’t want to kiss him, hug him or anything. He won’t break up with me, he is too "in love" with me. What should I do?

– Lost, Illinois

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Why Won’t He Break Up With Me Already?!

Hanging On Too Long Is A Mistake

The real trouble comes when you continue to lead the first boy along and hide your feelings for the new boy. So now you’re deceiving both boys. At some point the truth will come out…

One of the biggest issues in our society today is that people tend to hang onto relationships much longer than they should. No one is happy, but no one has the courage to walk away either. If the relationship isn’t working, then it’s time to walk away.

But before you make this huge decision, think about why the first relationship is not working.

Ask yourself questions like:

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How Can He Love Me And Still See Her On The Side? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 13:16:52 +0000

What would you do if you started dating a man and the relationship seemed perfect. Except for one little thing… You find out that he hasn’t really ended his last relationship. He’s still seeing his ex while dating you. He sees her, he takes care of her emotionally and financially, and he won’t tell her about you.

How would you handle this situation? Before you jump to any conclusions, stop and think for just a minute… Is it possible to love two people? How many of you have found yourself in a situation where you love two different people for two different reasons and you’ve been forced to choose? In my opinion, whichever choice you make, you’ll never be happy because you’ll wonder what you left behind…

Here’s a desperate plea from a woman whose heart is breaking.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I began an intimate relationship with a man when he broke up with his ex-girlfriend. We love each other, and share our common goals and values in life. This seems to be such a perfect partnership. The misery came when I realized his relationship with his ex-girlfriend is not over. He still has an intimate relationship with her. Because of this, we have arguments all the time. He said he loves me, and he can’t live without me.

Whenever I ask him about his relationship with his ex-girlfriend, he tells me he needs to take care of her. They can be friends, and I have no objection. The problem is his care is excessive and unnatural. He won’t let me to meet his ex-girlfriend and he has no courage to end their intimate relationship.

Now he is not happy when I’m around, because he has less opportunity to contact her. He claims that he is losing his freedom.

I’m confused. Where is his love? Where is his promise? How can our relationship survive with so much doubt? I have sacrificed everything for this love, and I wonder what else can I give to save our relationship?

I appreciate your kind advice.
— A broken heart

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Why is he no longer with his ex?

Understanding this is crucial…

Commitment Issues… And Another Woman! (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 17:04:53 +0000

I think we’ve probably all been in, or have known someone in this situation…

You meet someone really great, you have a lot in common, you have so much fun together, you really click. There’s just one little problem. He already has a girlfriend! The particular type of man that I’m referring to says that leaving the other woman. He just won’t say when. He tells you to hold on, it’ll be worth the wait and you’ll be together soon.

Here’s a question from Marie who is in this exact situation.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I met this man online a year ago. I flew out to spent a few weekends with him knowing that he had a girlfriend. He keeps telling me he’s going to end it, to hang on that it’ll be worth it… But the last time I was there, he couldn’t tell me how he feels about me. So I said "OK,it’s time to walk away", but now he keeps calling and texting me. I don’t get it. He’s all I think about. He’s 51 and never been married and I’m not 20 any more! Please, it’s driving me crazy. I really like this man. We have fun, laugh a lot, and really have a lot in common. So what’s the problem? Oh, I might add that he’s still on the same dating site where we met. I know because I go on to chat with others while I wait for him. Thanks for any truthful advice you can give.

– Marie

Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…

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Dump him – he’s stringing you along!

I’m usually flexible on these things but on this one I say…