Ask Dan and Jennifer » personal values

Break Up and Divorce – Should You Condemn Yourself to a Bad Relationship for Life Because of Religion and Guilt?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 14:00:56 +0000

If you’re in a bad marriage and are really unhappy, should you separate, get a divorce, or stay in the marriage?

For us, this is not a cut and dry decision as there are many factors to consider.

As you all know by now, we’re not afraid to approach what some would consider to be forbidden topics. We like to think outside of the box and question everything while staying true to ourselves.

Our goal with this post is to help Karen follow her heart and make decisions based on love rather that fear and guilt.

Hang on tight! This could get bumpy. We’re about to step outside the box and ask you to question beliefs that you may have never have thought to question before.

Don’t forget - take the poll at the end of this article to make your vote count on this incredibly controversial topic.

Background – Is this a bad relationship?

This question is a bit involved, so we’ll break it up into sections.

I was married for twelve years to a man (S) that deserted me twice. He also had numerous extra-marital infidelities. He took his stuff and left this last time about a year and a half ago. I tried and tried to talk to him but he refused to talk to me or answer my phone calls. I was just heartbroken. He was my second husband. My first husband wasn’t unfaithful, but he had an explosive temper and shouted and screamed at me. And even though he never actually hit me, I was afraid of him.

Anyway, seven months after my second husband left me I decided to try and move on with my life. I met a wonderful man (D). He was everything I had wanted – Caring, responsible, trustful and very loving. We started slowly, but after awhile I fell deeply in love with him. And he fell in love with me.

I hired an attorney. I filed for divorce. After I had been with D for around four months he proposed to me. I was very excited and accepted. I knew our relationship was perfect and we had a wonderful life ahead of us. We were doing everything together and I was so happy.

S somehow found out and started to phone me. He told me he wanted us to get back together. He told me he would never do any of the things he had done to me before. He said he had found God and was going to church now. He said that he was a changed man. He said I was still his wife and I owed him another chance to prove he had changed. He told me he was a broken man and was thinking about suicide. I finally allowed him to see me he cried and cried and pleaded with me telling me he had changed. I felt so guilty.

Love and Fear

Karen, while this is a very emotional situation, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about anything another person does or experiences. They make their own choices in life and their experiences are their own. You can be understanding and empathize with the other person, but never, ever, make yourself responsible for what another person is experiencing.

You can control how you behave and respond to a situation, but that is where your control ends. Never let another person make you feel guilty. There is no right or wrong choice in life because we grow from each experience – some choices just work better for us than others. Even the ones that didn’t work out quite like you hoped provide the opportunity to grow.

Sometimes the best way to figure out what we want is to experience what we don’t want. Just try to learn from that experience so that you don’t keep repeating it. I’ve noticed that the Universe will keep sending you the same situation or experience over and over until you learn the lesson that you need to learn from that specific experience.

Our emotional scale has two extremes – love and fear.

…

Shocking Sex Poll Results – The Surprising Verdict on Swinging and Polyamory!

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 10:47:56 +0000

Wow, what a ride…

Last week we took a poll to see exactly how our readers feel about Swinging and Polyamory.

We asked: "Would you ever consider swinging or polyamory?"

The conversation was heated and down right amazing. Readers left hundreds of comments all over Netscape.com and on the posts themselves.

So just what were the results of this controversial sex poll?

More than 3000 of our readers spoke out and the answers will surprise you…

Here’s the breakdown as of 3/1/2007

(we’ll update this periodically as the number change)

35% of our readers (1060 votes) said that they would be willing to try swinging with the right group of people
20% of our readers (599 votes) said that monogamy is the only way to go
16% of our readers (492 votes) were strongly against it
16% of our readers (497 votes) are active in the swinger lifestyle and lovin’ it
13% of our readers (392 votes) said it’s not for them , but they don’t have a problem if someone else does it

What was really interesting is that 51% of the people polled were either active in the swinging lifestyle or willing to try it while only 36% were stongly against it or said that monogamy is the only way to go. The other 13% of our readers said that it’s not for them, but they don’t have a problem if someone else does it..

Wow – don’t know about you, but we expected the numbers to be a little different .

It’s a close call but it looks like Swinging and Polyamory are in!

Take the poll

If you’re one of the few who missed it, here’s the post that sparked so much conversation and controversy: My Best Friend’s a Swinger – Will She Burn in Hell?
If you haven’t taken the poll yet, Take the Swinger / Polyamory Sex Poll to make your vote count on this incredibly controversial topic.
And be sure you make yourself heard in the other hot poll of the week: Sex Poll – Is It OK to Have Sex During That Time of the Month?

Don’t forget to leave a comment below to let us know where you stand.

Sex Poll: Would You Consider Swinging or Threesomes?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 14:22:02 +0000

Whew…

Our latest post about swinging and polyamory sparked such conversation and controversy; we just had to conduct a poll.

(You’ll want to read the full post: My Best Friend’s a Swinger – Will She Burn in Hell?)

Since many people are confused or unsure of what these terms mean, here are some web definitions that we found useful.

“Polyamory is the practice of having more than one loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. The relationships are long-term, intimate, and usually (but not necessarily) sexual. Persons who consider themselves emotionally suited to such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly.”
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

“Swinging, sometimes referred to in North America as the swinging lifestyle, is non-monogamous sexual activity, treated much like any other social activity, that can be experienced as a couple. Swinging has been called wife swapping in the past, but this term is archaic and does not accurately describe the full range of sexual activities in which swingers may take part.”

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swinging

First, answer this short poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.

And then, join the conversation and leave a comment below to tell us why you feel the way you do.

My Best Friend’s a Swinger – Will She Burn in Hell?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 17:39:55 +0000

Whew… This revealing article about swinging and polyamory sparked such conversation and controversy; we just had to conduct a poll.

Take the poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.

The Question

I don’t know who to talk to about this b/c I am truly embarrassed for my friends.

I JUST found out yesterday… actually the day before that, that my dear close friends (two different couples) have been "swinging"… it’s more like three of them I believe, but who knows what goes on behind closed doors. Both of these couples are young engaged couples with very bright futures ahead of them.

I cherish my friendship with my handful of girlfriends, and think of them as precious people. When I heard this was going on, and that I was pretty much the only one who didn’t know about it… I was devastated, I was disgusted, and began to cry.

This happens ONLY when they are drunk… but it has happened A LOT. My husband and I are newly married, and we all hang out and party together.

I am so upset about all of this that I decided not to go to their co-ed bachelorette party in Vegas this weekend. I am still going to be in their wedding, but I feel in my heart that I can NOT be friends with either couple anymore. I don’t even want to support this marriage/union. I would feel so sick to my stomach… I really don’t have a REAL reason… it’s just not who I am, how I was raised, or where I come from.

Is it wrong for me to "ditch" my close girlfriends b/c of this?

The Answer

Whew… This is a very emotional topic because your underlying beliefs are being questioned. On the bright side, these types of situations really help us grow.

Our mission for this blog is to help everyone learn to come from a place of love and acceptance in all of their relationships. We do not judge you for your beliefs or actions nor do we believe that you should judge your friends for their beliefs or actions. We feel there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ (Yes, we know that many will disagree with us on this…).

Each of us has our own ‘perception’ of what is right and what is wrong. That perception is different for everyone and will very likely change over the years. There are groups of people with similar perceptions and beliefs – i.e. the various major religious and political organizations.

Swinging is simply another belief system…

There are some very good relationship ideas that we can all take from the swinging lifestyle. Swingers believe that their partners have enough love to go around and that it’s OK to share one another sexually. They do not confuse love with lust as many couples do. They understand that it’s perfectly natural for their partner to be physically attracted, and maybe even want to have sex, with someone else. It does not in any way threaten their relationship or love for one another.

That said…

Long Distance Relationships – Can They Really Work?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 15:33:31 +0000

The Question: I met a wonderful man in April 2006. On our first date he told me that he would be moving across the country for graduate school in August and would not be interested in a long distance relationship. I continued to date him anyway, and we had a great relationship for 5 months. We saw each other every day and basically lived together.

When it was time for him to move, I told him that if he was willing to change his mind, I’d love to stay together and do the long distance relationship, but he was sure it would cause too many problems. He wanted to keep a friendship and to stay on good terms so a future together might be possible. Since he moved, we have spoken almost every day. He flew me to New York for Thanksgiving, and Florida for Christmas so I could meet his family.

It’s been bothering me that he won’t commit to be exclusive with me, so I told him to either stop calling me every day telling me he misses me and giving kisses over the phone, or show me he wants to be with me and be my boyfriend. I felt like I was giving him the benefits of having a girlfriend, without him having the responsibility of having a girlfriend. He thinks I’m worried too much about the title. I don’t know what to do because we’re a really great match.

Should I continue to talk to him and stop worrying about the title?

Or should I break up with him and move on to find someone who wants to call himself my boyfriend?

The Answer: I think your boyfriend is very wise and is showing great responsibility by not making promises that he’s not necessarily ready to keep. He told you up front what his expectations were for the relationship – something that a lot of men would not have been strong enough to do.

I agree with him, boyfriend is just a title. The terms boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, and wife are often used to imply ownership. Titles are for cars, not people. We cannot own or control another person, especially their feelings and emotions - as hard as we may try…

It sounds like he really likes you and that you have a great relationship.

Why does the relationship have to be exclusive for you to enjoy each others company? If your relationship is strong enough, why not just agree to be completely open and honest with each other. Agree to tell each other if you’re seeing someone else.

Seeing someone else doesn’t mean your relationship has to end. That’s just jealousy rearing its ugly head. Jealousy is an emotion of fear and control. We’re afraid of losing something that doesn’t even belong to us in the first place.

Since you’re so far apart, …

Are You Going To Receive A “Dear John Letter” From Your 2007 Goals?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 17 Jan 2007 15:59:16 +0000

You’ll want to check out this great article from Gary Ryan Blair… Don’t let this happen to you!

Dear John,

You probably already know what this letter is about. You’ve seen it coming; I know you have. It’s about us, John. It’s over. I’m leaving you!

Why have you neglected me? Why have you made so many excuses? Your inaction and addiction to procrastination is tearing me apart. I simply must move on…

As you read this entire article from beginning to end, think about not only how it applies to your personal goals, but to your love and family relationships. Have you given them the attention they deserve?

Are You Going To Receive A "Dear John Letter" From Your 2007 Goals?
by Gary Ryan Blair

The genesis of "Dear John" letters can be traced to World War II.

They usually began, "Dear John, I have found someone else whom I think the world of. I think the only way out is for us to get a divorce." These letters, which broke the hearts and dreams of our servicemen and women, soon became known as "Dear Johns."

I developed this lesson to provide a different type of "Dear John" letter.

It’s a private note from your hopes and dreams, and it speaks loudly through your subconscious.

I trust it will be powerful enough to get your attention, and more important, compelling enough to get you to take action and make this coming year the best of your life.

The purpose is to provide an outlet, a voice for all of those hopes, dreams, desires, and goals that you’ve neglected. If your goals, hopes, and dreams could talk, what would they say? Let’s hope that they wouldn’t write you the following letter, especially at the end of 2007…

Top 10 New Year’s Sex Resolutions

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 16 Jan 2007 22:53:47 +0000

There are 100’s of New Year’s Resolution lists out there, but they’ve all forgotten one of the most important areas of our lives – SEX. The most I’ve seen this topic covered is something like "have more sex" or "have better sex".

We’ll I’ve decided to give you some ways that will actually help those resolutions come true…

Here are my Top 10 New Year’s Sex Resolutions. Add these to your list and you’re guaranteed to have more and better sex this year!

1. Lose the Idealism
To truly enjoy sex, there is one thing that you absolutely must do – Stop worrying about what other people think. Get rid of all of those self-imposed limiting beliefs that are keeping your sex life utterly boring. You know the nice girls don’t do this, good boys don’t do that, and this is how sex should be stuff…

Find someone who likes to play the way you do and have fun!

Sexploration’s, Brian Alexander said it best this year: "Can we resolve to get over the idea that his holding your wrists down to the bed means he’s a Neanderthal brute, or that she’s a bitchy feminist if she wants to ride you like Sea Biscuit? Sex is supposed to be joyful, exhilarating, intimate and revealing."

2. Try New Things
Vow to try new sex positions, new sex toys, and new sex acts this year. Variety is the spice of life and adventure broadens your horizons. Don’t be timid in the New Year, keep an open mind and try something new in bed, whether it’s anal sex, a threesome, or living out your wildest fantasies. It could even be as simple as just admitting that it’s OK to like sex.

3. Embrace Erotica
Read more erotic books and watch more erotic movies (ideally with your partner, but if you’re flying solo – enjoy!). Don’t like porn (we don’t either)? So watch some of those very erotic but not quite porn movies like "Wild Orchid", "9 1/2 Weeks", "Body Heat", and "Sliver". They get me excited every time!

Commit to reading at least one erotic novel each month. My favorite author in this genre is Don Winslow, but there are many more to choose from. Find an author and a theme that you like and start reading. I challenge you to get through one whole book without getting excited.

4. Have More Sex. Lose Weight. Feel Great.
Sex is great exercise and it’s WAY more fun than going to the gym. Sex improves circulation and aerobic fitness by increasing heart rate and respiration, and exercises many major muscle groups. Did you know that you can burn between 100 to 300 calories per hour during sex? …

Is it OK to Have Sex for the Sake of REALLY Good Sex… With No Relationship Commitments?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 13 Jan 2007 14:51:08 +0000

The Question: I recently broke up with my boyfriend and father of my 2 year old daughter. I’m 35 and he’s 28. He is now seeing a 22 year old girl for the use of her truck – I believe. He says that he still loves me (maybe just for the sex) and we have continued to have sex since breaking up. He is, however, very irresponsible in a relationship. The sex is great between us and I have a hard time turning him down because I do still love him. I think that I may want him back because I can’t stand to see him with someone else or to think that he is sleeping with another person.

Should I stay with him just for the sex? Or should I make him make a choice of getting no sex unless he’s willing to make the relationship work between us? What should I do?

The Answer: Our answer to this question may seem controversial to some, but here goes…

What is a relationship?

A relationship can be defined as "a state of connectedness between people". Because of the fact that the two of you have a child together, you will always have a parental relationship and parental responsibilities. The choice that each of you have to make is what type of relationship you want in addition to being the parents of your daughter.

Here are just a few ideas:

An intimate relationship is a relationship with a great deal of physical and/or emotional intimacy – romantic or passionate love and attachment with or without sex.

A casual relationship (sometimes referred to as "friends with benefits") is the physical and emotional relationship between two unmarried people who have a sexual relationship or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting a more formal relationship as a goal.

Friendship, is a relationship that results when two people have found a common ground and consists of mutual love, trust, respect, and unconditional acceptance of one another.

I recommend that the two of you have a heart to heart, open and honest discussion about what you both want and are willing to accept around your relationship as adults and your relationship as parents.

It is critical to check your ego at the door.

We have been known to use a code word or a physical object to use as a flag when someone’s ego starts flaring up. Once that happens, any intelligent conversation is over. If someone’s ego takes over the conversation (you’ll know when this happens by tone and number of snipes the other person starts making), take a 15 minute break in separate rooms to allow yourselves to cool down. And then resume the conversation.

A brief discussion on jealousy.

Jealousy can be defined as "a boundary-setting custom developed for limiting sexual access to those relationships that a group defines as important." It’s that feeling of fear, suspicion, or envy over something you perceive as your possession.

I’m going to get on my soap box for a moment here…

Honesty About Previous Sex Partners… How Much Do You Really Need To Share?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 22:25:00 +0000

The Question: I have been with a man for 5 months. He told me a few months ago that he has strong values and wants to wait for marriage to have sex. I was a little disappointed, but I respect his beliefs. We are very open with each other and I have never lied to him about anything until he asked me how many people I have slept with. I said 3, but the real number is around 40. I’ve never been so sure about someone in my life until I met him and wish to put my promiscuity in the past, but I fear he may look at me differently due to his strong values. That is why I wonder if it is necessary for me to tell him the real number of people I have had sex with. Or is this a lie that can remain a secret?

The Answer: My first response is that it’s no one else’s business how many people you’ve had sex with in the past or will have sex with the future…

Don’t allow yourself or your actions to be judged by another person. We make decisions every day and we learn from the results of those decisions and move on to the next decision. There is absolutely no reason to regret any decision you’ve ever made as long as you learned something from the experiences that followed. We grow with each experience, each choice, and each relationship. Some philosophers say that’s what life is really about – experiencing life so that we can discover who we truly want to be.

"We sometimes have to experience who we don’t want to be so that we can discover the person we want to become."

Each of us has our own set of core values that are important to us, but that doesn’t give us the right to push those values onto another person, nor to judge that person because they do not share our values now or in the past. Your partner should not judge you for your past actions because it is those actions and decisions that have made you the person that he or she loves today.

One man’s convictions, values, and moral beliefs are another man’s heresy. For thousands of years different societies have persecuted other cultures and societies for arbitrary "values" and "morality".

Ponder this for a moment… In the greater scheme of the Universe, what gives one man or society the right to determine what is right and wrong for everyone else? Or to force others to feel shame if they feel or believe differently?

If you are suppressing who you really are to match up with another person’s "strong values", realize that there’s nothing wrong with who you are, and there’s nothing in the world that makes their values and beliefs, or life experience, any better than yours. Period. Beware of convincing yourself to live up to someone else’s values. You could end up resenting the other person for it, which could end your relationship.

While I cannot make your decision for you as to whether or not to tell your boyfriend the actual number of people that you’ve slept with, I will say this: Open and honest communication in a relationship is vital to its growth and survival. If this is something that will haunt you and cause you distress on the inside, then you should tell him because suppressing it will affect your relationship. But if you can truly forgive yourself and let go of any guilt that you carry around regarding your past sexual activity, then I say let sleeping dogs lie and move on with your life.