Ask Dan and Jennifer » premarital sex

Should You Two Just Live Together?

He Said/She Said with John & Jenna — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 23:00:38 +0000

More and more couples today are “cohabitating” meaning they live together without the intention of ever getting married. Once thought of as “shaking up” and frowned up on, the practice is gaining more and more acceptance. But is it really right for you? If you give us five minutes of your time we will give you all the answers you’ll ever need.

What She Said:

What are the benefits of marriage when you can get the same thing by shacking up? On the one hand, it’s nice not having to worry about legalities when you live together. On the other hand, when you get hitched you can throw a party and get a lot of cool gifts! Stepping beyond the material, there is something to be said for standing up together and turning from “boyfriend and girlfriend” to “husband and wife.” (Or whatever lovely combination of partnership you’re in. Everyone deserves to get married, if they so desire!) Taking that step of saying “I do” in front of friends and family can be an incredibly moving moment, as well as the beginning of something deeper.

But what if you don’t want that little piece of paper to “bind” you? Living together is a fulfilling option. It’s great to share a home and a life with someone you love. The experiences will be similar to your married pals – with the convenience of a little mental freedom. You can walk out the door anytime you want to – but you’re choosing to stay!

On the other hand, being married does come with legal backup that can make a lot of things easier – insurance, home ownership, in the event of a medical emergency – you get the drift. Sounds sexy!

Seriously though – there are a lot of things that go hand in hand with getting married. I still hope and believe that people are committing to each other for one big reason – love. Getting hitched isn’t a guarantee, especially considering today’s divorce rates; but it can provide a certain peace of mind in a working partnership.

It really comes down to this – what does your heart tell you? What’s best for you and your partner? A ceremony is one thing – it’s how you treat each other that will matter in the end. There are so many ways to have a happy home – getting hitched is only one of them.

What He Said:

I really wish more people would handle relationships like I do. You’d say: “That was great! Money’s on the dresser! See you next time.” Kidding.

Seriously though, what’s the point of just living together? I don’t know. I mean, yes, you don’t have the “piece of paper” but if you live together long term, over seven years, you’re basically common law anyway. There’s really too much pressure put on people to be married, to have “successful” marriages, to not get divorced and the like, and if you’re a child of divorce, you’re more than likely to be extra sensitive to those pressures. Divorce is painful and messy and that’s just stupid. It should be as easy to get divorced as it is to get married. But it’s not and that can make you gun shy too.

Basically, this is a personal decision and you should make it like you make any other: on your own terms. You shouldn’t get any pressure from your parents, your partner or anyone. And if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Good luck. You’ll need it!

Not Ready for Sex? Here Are 5 Tips For Steamy Makeout Sessions Without Going All The Way

Jessica Perez — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 22:00:41 +0000

If you’re not ready for sex yet, you’re not alone. There are couples who have decided to not go all the way for one reason or another. Maybe it has something to do with their beliefs and their principles. Maybe they’re just not ready for the consequences of sex (early pregnancy, starting a family too early, etc.).

Your reasons for waiting to have sex are your own; don’t let the pressure get to you. Some women think that they’re letting their boyfriend suffer because of their decision not to go all the way. If you’re one of these girls, you shouldn’t believe that penetration is the only way to make love to your boyfriend.

What’s really important in love making is how you can make your guy feel the ultimate pleasure without giving up your cherry. In short, there are more ways to make a guy reach orgasm than they teach in Sex Ed. Read on to discover five of the best make out techniques you can use to please your man….

5 Tips For Steamy Makeout Sessions Without Going All The Way

Learn The Art Of French Kissing

Torrid kissing is one of the main aspects of your makeout sessions, so you must do it right. Feel free to suck and nibble his lips when you’re feeling playful. Use your tongue to tease his tongue out, not for him to choke on. Play with his tongue using your lips.

Fondle His Member

Give your man a hand job while you’re kissing. One way to make sure his arousal will peak is to coordinate your kissing with your hand movements. For instance, whenever you suck his tongue, squeeze his member a bit and stroke faster. Do the same trick when you’re kissing his neck and ears.

Main a good stroking rhythm and you can bet he’ll be ready to explode by the time you move down to give him head.

Let Him Touch Your Breasts

One way to make him feel that you’re connected with him erotically is to allow him to touch your boobs while you’re kissing and stroking him. He will hear you sigh and moan while you’re kissing him, and this will increase his arousal.

Move Downward Slowly

Getting him excited means moving slowly. This will also ensure that he can feel every stroke of your tongue and every movement of your lips. Moving your head gradually downward while stroking him with the same rhythm will move him closer to orgasm.

Alternate Licking His Member And His Balls

While you’re stroking him up and down, kiss the tip of his member or lick his balls. Let his moans and movements be your guide and be extremely conscious of his reactions so that you know when to intensify the blow job.

Applying these techniques will improve your foreplay skills. The good news is that your man will be more than satisfied, and he will not be looking elsewhere for release whenever he’s horny.

Q&A: Orgasms, Sex Outside Of Marriage and Islam

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 14:00:01 +0000

Many people have different religious and moral beliefs about sex, orgasms and sex outside of marriage. While some people don’t have any specific beliefs about sex at all, others have very strict beliefs about these topics. What can you do if you’re sexually frustrated but your beliefs don’t allow you to have sex outside of marriage?

Question: I have just found you on YouTube. Don’t you think some of your videos are against Islam? In Islam you cannot have sex without marriage. My question is what should somebody do if he cannot marry but is under pressure of orgasm and any relationship out of marriage is against his religious beliefs? Please consider Islamic limits more on your answers.

–YouTube Viewer

Respecting Religious And Moral Beliefs

Since everyone has different religious and moral beliefs about sex, it’s impossible for everyone to agree on what is right and what isn’t. Right and wrong are subjective, and can be different for everyone based on their religion and morals. If you want others to respect your own religious or moral beliefs, then it is important that you do the same for them. Don’t criticize other people’s beliefs or religion and if you can’t agree, just agree to disagree. It never hurts to listen though and you can simply take away whatever works for you and leave behind what doesn’t.

Sexual Frustration

For people whose religious and moral beliefs dictate that they stay away from sex or sex before marriage, it can be difficult to have your sexual needs met. People with strict beliefs about abstinence are easily sexually frustrated and may not know where to turn. Masturbation, however, is an easy and simple way to experience orgasm and sexual relief without having sex with another person before marriage. This may satisfy both your sexual needs and your religious doctrines without breaking any of your rules. However, some religions don’t allow masturbation or frown upon it, or don’t allow the use of pornography or other masturbation aids. Find out what your religion says about masturbation, because you may find that masturbation is something that isn’t restricted. Even if masturbation is restricted in some way based on your beliefs, you may want to weigh the alternative and decide which abides by your religion or moral beliefs best – masturbation or sex before marriage?

Are Your Beliefs Working For You?

Sometimes, you may find that your religious or moral beliefs aren’t working for you in your current lifestyle. If you’re sexually frustrated and have no way of achieving sexual relief under your beliefs, you may want to question your beliefs and whether they’re allowing you to live a full, happy and fulfulling lifestyle or whether they’re inhibiting you in some way. Everyone has the right to be true to themselves and live the way they want to, as long as it’s not harming anyone else in the process. If you find that you’re not able to be true to yourself with your religion or morals, do some soul searching to find out what is really right for you.

Q&A: Should We Wait To Have Sex?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:00:35 +0000

It’s one of the most commonly asked questions about sex – when is the right time to have sex? Unfortunately, there’s no concrete answer to this question because the answer is different for everyone. Here are some things to explore on your own to decide if you should wait to have sex.

Question: I am 14. I like this girl and I want to ”do” her. Should I wait or what?

–YouTube Viewer

Teenage Hormones

Teenagers and even pre-teens are just beginning to discover their sexuality. As you go through puberty, your body is responding to different hormones in different ways. Both boys and girls experience an increase in sexual desire, which can be overwhelming when you’ve never felt anything like it before. If you’re a teenager thinking about having sex for the first time, try to remember that almost every other teenager is or has been in your shoes before. Incredible sexual desire is just something that teenagers go through as they grow into a mature adult and learning how to handle it is part of being mature enough to start having sex.

What To Consider Before You Have Sex

There are many things to consider before having sex. First of all, make sure your partner wants to have sex too. Make sure you are both comfortable with each other and this is something you both want to experience together. Do some research before you have sex. Find out how to use a condom and how to prevent pregnancy. Learn what STD’s are and how you can get them and how to prevent contracting them and spreading them. Encourage your partner to do the same, or better yet, learn about these things together. Sure, it doesn’t sound very fun to read about pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases before having sex, but it’s part of being responsible enough to have sex. A few other things you might want to think about before having sex is your morals and religion. Is there any reason that you or your partner might feel guilty for having sex now instead of waiting? Is talking to your parents about having sex something you and your parents have an open enough relationship to do? Talk to your parents if you can, and definitely talk to your partner. Perhaps you and your partner are only comfortable with some things and not others. Those are things that are important to discuss before you take the plunge.

There’s No Rush

When you’re a teenager, it may seem like the sexual frustration will eat you alive if you don’t have sex right this minute. Don’t worry – it won’t! Masturbation is a great way to relieve sexual tension and there’s nothing wrong with waiting to have sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until marriage, waiting for the right person or just waiting until you’re a little older. Sex isn’t any better if you do it now and it’s not any worse if you wait until later. In fact, you may just want to wait until tomorrow, or next week. That’s fine too. Just make sure that when you’re ready, you’re ready and your partner is too.

Do We Need Real Sex Ed In Schools?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 13:30:28 +0000

Sex education in schools – if you have a child , it’s undoubtedly something you’re going to encounter at some point during your child’s school education. You’ll want to know what your child is learning – but does that mean that those of us who do not have children should be unconcerned about the sex education that our children as a society are being taught? Not hardly – there are too many limitations placed on sex ed these days in school that the lack of comprehensive sex education is truly an epidemic of large proportions.

What do you think? Should we educate our kids about sex and how to be safe, or tell them to pretend all their friends aren’t having sex and hope for the best? Education or ignorance?

Abstinence Only?

Every sex education program needs to include abstinence. It is a great choice for teens of all ages, because it keeps them completely safe from pregnancy, STD’s and emotional damage until they’re ready for it. But abstinence is just that – a choice. There are other choices when it comes to sex ed, mainly deciding to have sex and have protected or unprotected sex. It’s a choice that many of our teens today are making – they’re making the decisions, so why aren’t we talking to them about it?

According to a 2006 study from the Guttmacher Institute, abstinence only programs make up the sex education curriculum in half of the schools in the southern United States and 1 in 5 schools in the northern part of the U.S. Many schools absolutely forbid education on safer sex, such as education about available contraceptives. Some abstinence only education curriculums do touch on sexually transmitted diseases, if only to scare teens into becoming abstinent, and some touch on male and female anatomy and how babies are born.

Government Control?

Why are the schools in the United States choosing abstinent only curriculum? Waiting until marriage to have sex is largely a religious concept, and with the separation of church and state, schools are no longer allowed to have prayer in schools – so why are they promoting a form of sex education that is founded on religion? A little digging unearths some unsettling facts. $176 million dollars in government funding is available to schools in the United States who promote an abstinence only sex education program. $0 is available to schools in the United States who choose to teach comprehensive sex ed in their classrooms. The federal guidelines for sexual activity include anything that is sexually arousing – including kissing and hugging – and federal guidelines for these sex ed programs require teachers to suggest that sex outside of marriage is wrong and unsafe at any age.

Teens Will Choose To Have Sex – So What Do We Do?

Teaching abstinence in schools doesn’t automatically shut off a teenager’s hormones. It doesn’t suddenly make them not want to have sex, especially when our marketing, television shows and commericals, movies and music promote sex and sexuality at every turn. Our job as parents – and as a civilized society – is to teach children about all of their choices, including the choices to have sex both protected and unprotected. Knowledge is power and children deserve to know what their options are, including what can happen with each choice. Children deserve to know how you feel about sex and what you expect of them, as well as how to learn what they expect of themselves. A properly educated teenager may choose not to have sex at all, or they may choose to have safe, protected sex with someone they care about when they are ready. Uneducated or poorly educated children will not know what to do when a sexual situation arises, when they don’t understand why they should say no, or what to do when their bodies are telling them to do something entirely different. They may choose to have sex, but they may not know that there are options available to help make sex safer for both them and their partners, so they may end up pregnant or with a sexually transmitted diseases.

Perhaps it’s too soon to hope that the federal government will fund comprehensive sex education, but it certainly something we can take into our own hands. Find out what they’re teaching at your child’s school, and fill in the gaps. Give your children the power to choose – and to choose wisely.

Love, Sex, and Dating 2008 – The Best of Dan and Jennifer

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 13:55:32 +0000

Just in case you missed any of the excitement this year, here’s a wrap of 2008!

I’m including our best, most talked about, and most controversial love, sex, and dating topics of the year.

Enjoy!

Love & Relationships

Sex & Intimacy

Singles & Dating

Christian Couples FINALLY Enjoying ‘Whoopee’ Time!

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 13:56:43 +0000

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ;Let me take the speck out of your eye when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?”" Matthew 7: 3,4 (New International Version)

Nearly five years since starting Christian Pro Erotic, after years of struggling with my faith and my sexual needs, after hearing the stories of many people of faith in the same situation I finally read the article in the July 7th Time Magazine.

Sexuality for Married Couples

And God Said, “Just Do It” is about Christian fellowships and churches tackling sexuality for married couples. It seems a movement is burgeoning where ministers and ministries are focusing on one issue: married couples in the church need more sex!

Finally, after so many years, we are cleaning a stubborn speck in the eye. Instead of putting down those in the world whose marriages do not live up to the snuff of church standards Christians will finally try to take out the plank of high divorce rates and failed sex lives from the eye of the body of Christ.

Christian couples are finding programs such as New Directions Christian Church (Memphis, Tennessee) with their series“40 Nights of Grreat Sex” or Relevant Church (Tampa, Florida) with their “30-Day Sex Challenge“ available to them to help their marriages grow and prosper.

I can tell you 20 years ago or so the advice would have been to “just pray about it and God will give you the clues to figure our how it will work out”.

A step in the right direction

Not anymore.

Now along with the Good Book we are finding couples armed with (gasp) the Joy of Sex in their arsenal to take back their bedrooms from a stale existence.

To me this is a step in the right direction and one which is way overdue; if these materials were available to Christian couples in the past–leadership and members–many marriages could have avoided heartache and tragedy in their lives. To realize they are failing in the battle in the bedroom is a signal playtime is over. The church is ready to catch up with many other couples who made each night a night to remember.

The church had a flimsy argument to folks outside the church about engaging in spicing up their bedroom life. We kept serving Vanilla when everyone else dove into cartons of Rocky Road and Cookies and Cream (whether you add this to your bedroom play is up to you).

The church balked at toys, oils, massages and (gasp) alternative venues to make things interesting. The thing I could not understand was how those folks who lasted 40 plus years together keep it together when it came to times of intimacy?

The road that led to adultery

It made it seem the wife just lied back and took what the husband gave her year end and year out without question. If they (she) did question (God forbid) then it would mean points off the eternal trail. It is the kind of thinking that opened the doors to all sorts of problems such as adultery, divorce, etc. Husbands would find themselves caught up in adultery and slaves to pornography; women found themselves in the arms of another man (or woman) to ease the pain of such a boring life.

Snubbing the church?

I am sure there are some who see such “straying” tactics as an attempt to snub the nose over the traditions of the church (i.e. “if it was good for mother and father, then it’s good enough for me). Some would even say our society is over saturated with sex and to adopt some of the manuals of the world would mean we would be giving in to the enemy. That reasoning is flawed and failed. When did sex become the enemy here?

Making sex your friend

These churches are finally realizing beating up on one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity is not the direction to give to couples. Making sex their friend, and making sex work for them, can really kill the boredom and stress many families face in their homes.

One thing I like from these teachings are the stress of having husbands do their share around the house and make the wife’s to do list shorter. The consequence of not doing them: you, sir, become part of her list of “to do”. Sex then is reduced to a chore instead of a delight.

My prayer is they continue with this and couples can grow to become stronger and more vibrant couples. I also hope the church would take a good hard study over sexuality regarding the single person because I think if they are prepared to face sexuality before marriage they can handle the rigors of day to day life with another mate during marriage (again, my opinion).

But who wants to throw dust in the eyes of progress? I am just glad groups like ours and programs like the those in Tennessee and Florida are helping to take the plank out of the churches eyes so it can see better.

My Boyfriend Wants To Have Sex Before Marriage But I’m Not Sure. Is It Really Okay?

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 18 May 2008 14:53:51 +0000

Sex before marriage. It’s a tough topic that many people feel very passionate about, but not everyone is passionate about it for the same reasons.

Many people believe that sex before marriage is wrong or immoral and others believe that it’s not an issue.

While there may never be a universal agreement on whether sex before marriage is acceptable or not, many men and women find themselves in this situation before they’ve even given much thought to the question.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hello, I’m Lizeth from Turkey. I want to ask a question about virginity. Here doing sex before marriage isn’t common. I have a foreign boyfriend, and he want to have sex with me and I it want too.

I know in America you don’t care so much about it. I just want to learn your things. Is it bad?

- Lizeth, Turkey

Is having sex before marriage wrong?

That’s not a question that anyone can answer but you. You need to take into consideration everything about the situation before you make the decision to have sex before marriage.

What are your religious or spiritual beliefs? What are your moral beliefs? How comfortable are you with the person you want to have sex with? Do you trust this person? How comfortable would you be with the consequences of sex should they arise. For example, pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases?

These questions should be answered, but not by your friends, family or anyone else. You need to sit down and really think about what having sex before marriage means to you.

Does it make you feel wrong? If it does, don’t do it! If you really feel that it’s not a big deal, that’s okay too. Ultimately, it’s all about what you want and how comfortable you are with the idea.

What if I do?

Well, first things first. Use protection.

Sex is enjoyable, but you can get pregnant and you can contract sexually transmitted diseases. Guard against possible consequences by using sensible protection and by being smart and safe.

If you have any questions about safe sex, pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, a great person to ask would be your doctor. They’ll give you unbiased information and can educate you on how to safely have sex while still enjoying your partner.

Remember, sex is something to be enjoyed between two consenting adults. You should never feel pressured into having sex or feel like you “have to.”

If you want to have sex before marriage, that’s fine. If you don’t, that’s fine too.

Don’t let anyone else tell you what you should do or persuade you into doing something you don’t want to do. It’s not up to your friends, family, relatives, church officials, neighbors or anyone else! Trust your gut instinct and go with what you feel is right.

With that said, you basically want to just be sure you’re ready to take the step forward and have sex before marriage. If you don’t feel that its right, by all means trust your gut instinct and stay abstinent, at least for now. If you’re perfectly comfortable having sex before marriage and comfortable with the person you’d like to have sex with, go for it. It’s your decision.

Don’t rush it though – take your time thinking about the situation and taking a look at how you might feel after the fact. You don’t have to now, but you might want to later. That’s fine too. Remember, you call the shots. What you say goes!

Met Someone New? How Long Should You Date Before It’s OK To Have Sex?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 14:17:17 +0000

You’ve met someone new. You have a great connection and things look great. So when is it okay to have sex for the first time?

There are those who believe it’s okay to have sex on the first date. Others think the third date is the right time, but still others believe you should wait much longer. Perhaps as long until after the wedding.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How long should I date a man morally speaking before we have sex??

And so it will be a better relationship if that’s what is meant to be…

–Erica, California

The morality of sex

Morally speaking, there is no right or wrong answer to this question – which is what makes it such a great question. People who are uncertain about what boundaries they have when making the decision to have sex with the person they’re dating might be a little surprised to learn that the only boundaries they have are the ones they set for themselves…

Some people feel that it’s perfectly fine or natural to have sex with someone on the first date, or even shortly after meeting. Others certainly might not agree, but it is ultimately up to the couple in question. If both parties involved feel that it’s okay and feel confident about having sex soon after the relationship begins, by all means – go for it!

Other people feel that sex is only for those who are married. Whether it is due to strict religious beliefs or purely philosophical ones, this approach works well for many couples. They are committed to each other before getting physical and when they finally do the deed, they feel more comfortable with each other.

Then there are those who wait until they gain their footing in a relationship and start to feel comfortable before getting sexual with their partner. Some people abide strongly by the “three date rule” and others wait a few months, but not forever.

When is the right time to have sex?

There is no magic “time” that would make it morally right to engage in sexual activity with your partner and unless you feel otherwise, there’s no magic “time” that would make it morally wrong either. It’s all up to you and your partner. If you are both consenting adults, you’re free to engage in sexual activity whenever you like.

Before doing anything, however, you should take a deep look at your own religious or moral beliefs. Do you feel it would make you uncomfortable to have sex with your partner before the one month mark? Does your partner? Are you completely comfortable having sex with them after only a week? How would it make you feel if you did? Really think about it and don’t be afraid to come to terms with how you feel about the situation. You have the right to decide when and if you’re ready to “do it” and with who you’re ready to “do it” with.

When it comes to figuring out your own personal rules, you are free to be as strict or as lenient with yourself as you like. Do whatever works for you. Don’t do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable or make your partner uncomfortable. No one should ever be pressured into having sex. Don’t be afraid to fly by the seat of your pants either – if you’re with someone and feel comfortable with the idea of having sex with them, you’re welcome to throw any ideals you previously had out the window. Or you can stick to your guns – it’s up to you. Remember, the only boundaries you have are the ones you set for yourself.

Abstinence Only? Does it Really Work?

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 14:45:55 +0000

Shelby Knox is one of my biggest heroes!

Who is she? She was a Lubbock, Texas high school student (she’s now in college as of this writing), a church attendee, and comes from a conservative home. Knox was also the subject of the PBS series “P.O.V.” called “The Education of Shelby Knox” where she is the focus of her four years in high school and her fight to bring comprehensive sexual education to her school. Why would someone like her be leading a fight like this?

The Prophet

Like any good “prophet” she saw her people—classmates—suffering form increasing teen pregnancy in her school and others in Lubbock and the spread of STDs. She challenged the Lubbock School Board several times but to no avail; in her journey she realizes places like Lubbock and other areas in the country need to give teens the tools needed to help them to make informed choices when being intimate with another person.

Knox is one of my heroes because she was willing to step outside of her comfort zone and ask the tough questions needed to be asked. Her example helps me to write what I write and ask those tough questions the church and Christians are afraid to ask. I also share her passion over ending the abstinence only teaching in most country and start teaching a through sexual education program around the country and the world.

Choose abstinence for the right reasons

Don’t get me wrong; abstinence is not a bad thing to decide to do for your sexual health. I remember taking my human sexuality course and the instructor taking a sheet of paper and drew a line through the page.

On one side, the risk of being abstinence, the other side, the risk of being sexually active was on the other side of the sheet. While the risk on the sexually active is evident—STD, pregnancy, emotional issues, etc.—those who stay abstinent avoided any of those possible pitfalls. Now proponents supporting the latter view will smile, give high fives, and point at me saying, “see, I told you so!”

Real world issues

However, lets look at the real world shall we? We are human beings, but we are many different parts that make us who we are. We are spiritual beings with the need to be connected with the divine. We are social beings with the need to connect with other people around us. We are sexual beings because, I believe, God made us with the great power to enjoy our sexuality and create life.

With such a great power and responsibility, shouldn’t the final say of how it is used be left to us? The Spiderman geek in me harkens to the mantra created by Stan Lee:“With great power comes great responsibility.”

Give them some credit

I think the main reason why we see such a push for the abstinence only program is they—religious leaders, politicians and moralist– don’t think young people and adults don’t have what it takes to handle the great gift of sexuality with care. Funny.

We trust them to make a decision to give their life for their country, take a drink at a bar, vote, and drive a vehicle. God forbid if they are given the right keys to take control of their own body and to make choices concerning their sexual lives.

The Christian community has done everything from pushing school boards to teaching their view about sexuality to our kids to forcing state and federal governments to spend billions of dollars to quell the rampant sexual drive. Truth is, it doesn’t work.

The better alternative

What a waste to spend all the money, time, and sermons to scare the devil out of kids touching themselves (or each other) when you can save money and talk about ways to treat your potential interest with concern and care.

What a waste of time to avoid people even seeing a condom—let alone knowing what to do with one when you open the foil—when you can show the guys how to put the darn thing on and the benefits of preventing pregnancy and the risk of contacting an STD.

Why abstinence only isn’t working

One fact stuck out to me was how after years of declining rates in teen birth rates in 2007 saw a jump:

The difference between these two approaches, and their impact on teen behavior, remains a controversial subject in the U.S. Teenage birth rates had been dropping in the U.S. since 1991, but a 2007 report showed 3% increase from 2005 to 2006. –CDC National Center for Health Statistics Dec. 12, 2007.

This despite efforts by leaders to show this line of defense alone will curb the tide. Some figures show in some places around the country there was little to no signs of real change. But the hidden toll is the silence from those who either have taken these courses at school or took some sort of pledge of abstaining from sex in their churches (i.e. “The Silver Ring Thingy”).

For the few who succeed in achieving their goal of being “pure” those who are active sexually must feel like failures not just to themselves but to God. Is this what we want to produce in our children?

Not everyone can live up to the ideals of Paul the apostle or the ideas of many in our society so wouldn’t it make sense to give people tools to help them better address the problems young people face than to go into a relationship with a wing and a prayer?

My advice is to take the money making sex a foe and make it a friend and ally. Install respect for this great power, prepare for our young people the possible, and hope the things we teach them will help them make better decisions in the bedroom.

Think Masturbation is Wrong? Here’s The REAL Truth…

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 13:18:15 +0000

This is how messed up my understanding of faith and sexuality was as a believer in Jesus. In order to show myself worthy and approved, in order to make sure I can present myself pure before God, self-love was not an option for a believer because it was seen as a sin against God.

Masturbation means I see something (or someone) to cause my loins to stir and thus touch myself; this means I violated the “fornication” code of having sex outside of marriage and violating God’s plan for me.

The message against masturbation

I can’t remember if I became a believer first, masturbated first, or both, but I think after reading some Christian books and hearing teachers from the pulpit come heavy against sexual issues I got the message very clear. If you are to a believer of honor, then you are to keep yourself sexually pure till marriage.

I tried not to touch myself down there. Not to masturbate or think of pleasing myself because it’s evil, of course. My will power (unfortunately) was like one Cosmo Kramer who was the first to loose “the Contest” against Jerry, Elaine, and George on the Seinfield series.

Then again, that could be a good thing.

But is It really wrong?

You see after many tears, many times mentally and spiritually beating myself up, I soon realized maybe masturbation is not a bad thing after all. My human sexuality teacher recommended Betty Dodson’s book “Sex for One.”

Man! Talk about an eye opening theory about the practice; she even had pictures and the whole nine yards.

But the thing that won me over to the “Touch Myself” club was a letter from a Pentecostal woman from Cincinnati, Ohio. She wrote how she felt guilty for years due to the church world she lives in, but because of the book it opened her eyes and mind. Now she knows God won’t shoot her down for touching herself.

“Well if she can do it and find inner peace, why not me?” I thought.

The truth about loving yourself

I realized a few things along the way to enjoy masturbation and keep things in perspective:

Many believers look at Onan as the reason why masturbation shouldn’t be part of a believer or non-believers life. If the passage in Genesis is looked at closely you can see it wasn’t masturbation in the sense of giving pleasure to ones self. God struck down Er because of his wickedness. After that happened, God asked Onan to fulfill the duty of his brother and continue the gene line by lying with his widow Tamar.

In what could be dubbed “the costliest money shot of all time” Onan “spilled his seed” so Er’s family line wouldn’t have an offspring. So Onan lost his life over the betrayal.

Tradition and retribution

Somehow tradition–or the fear of God’s retribution–latched on to this story as a way to keep many men (or women) from masturbation. So please, for the love of truth, stop blaming Onan as the one who messed up masturbation. Blame it all on tradition and for a wrong-headed approach to understanding to what self-love is all about.

The real truth

All the myths about masturbation–blindness, hairy palms, madness, neurotic disorder, etc.—are not true. Next!

We all masturbate throughout our lives. From the time we are babies till we are old and gray, masturbation is one of those things that makes us human. To deny it is both comical and tragic at the same time.

Frequency of self-love ranges from several times a day to every other day to a few weeks to none at all (unless one suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder). But normally, you are fine if that’s all you do with yourself.

God will not condemn you for having a sexual thought let alone if you are touching yourself over a sexual thought. You might have problems if you are thinking about possessing someone you know doesn’t belong to you.

But if a person turns you on, or an image, or a sexual thought and you just have to express your normal desires you are feeling then enjoy the time with yourself.

Masturbation is good for you!

The health benefits are huge! You can find out what turns you on and causes orgasm to releasing some sexual tension by masturbation. Also, it helps with sexual dysfunction due to the inability to orgasm, prostate health for men, relieves menstrual cramps, eases headaches, causes one to sleep, and promotes well being with the chemicals released during orgasm. Hmm, the benefits outweigh the myths. Did I mention it’s the safest sexual practice of them all?

The last thing about masturbation we need to touch on as Christians is the guilt factor. Again, if you feel you have the freedom to enjoy this practice without any guilt whatsoever weighing on your mind then enjoy.

Too many times believe everything our preachers and teachers say instead of studying for ourselves–with scientific fact and research–whether a practice is beneficial or not.

The information we have today is very accurate as opposed to the myths we discussed earlier. I have come to realize I have more issues about dealing with the things coming from my heart than self-love. Let all the ravers and ranters from the pulpit scream all they want. Masturbation is as good of a time as one person can with themselves.

Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

(Note: Thanks to Betty Dodson for their info and pick up a copy of her landmark book Sex for One: the Joy of Self-Loving)

Sex Before Marriage – Single People Of The World Rejoice!

Christ Pro Erotic — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 15:54:26 +0000

My single brothers and sisters, we need to talk.

After reading a great article from Bella M. DePaulo about single life, it seems single people get the shaft on many levels: the workplace, getting housing (despite having the means to pay for it), the notion married people are happier than single people in the workplace, etc. The one area I think Ms. DePaulo is missing that’s a slight towards single people is sexuality.

Consequences of promiscuous sexual behavior

For a long time, you’ve been warned from parental units to the street preachers not to engage in promiscuous sexual behavior. Many single people — Christians or non-believers — would spend moments worrying if God has a lightning bolt with your name engraved on it for having a sexual thought or touching yourself in an inappropriate way.

Funny how you’re asked to put your life on the line by joining the military, drive a car, pay taxes, hold a job, and find housing for yourself and you still can’t be trusted for your own sexual lives.

Many in the church think single people are unable to control yourself and that you’re one step away from being an extra on a Girls Gone Wild DVD. I believe its time for the church, parents and our government to stop treating you like children and give the information needed to face your sexual life with confidence.

Save yourself for marriage?

Too often many in the Christian circles try to scare you into a forced life of single celibacy (what the rest of us call abstinence): Save yourself for marriage lest you become a raging sex fiend. In their minds, fear and guilt can cause many to avoid sex and save themselves from contracting STDs or risk pregnancy.

The ultimate cure all to sexual activity is marriage. One problem: Marriage doesn’t give you automatic knowledge about sexuality on the same lines as becoming a single persons can’t make you fully knowledgeable about handling an adult relationship.

Add to it the fury is the misuse of the word “fornication” from many pulpits and Bible scholars and you have young adults confused as to what God means about sex outside of marriage. Instead of its proper usage, they lump this word with every abnormal expression of sexuality instead of normal expressions of sexual intimacy.

Singles are reduced to sitting at the kiddy table of life. “Here, here little Johnny or Jane, we’ll cut up your plate of what you can have sexually for you and you’ll eat what we tell you to or else you can do without.”

Enough!

What does the Bible say about sex outside of marriage?

Here’s a very simple thing you can do if anyone challenges you about being sexually active as a single person: Dare them to look up in the Bible one verse or statement specifically stating God saying no to any single person having sexual relationships outside of marriage.

As Depeche Mode would say, “enjoy the silence.”

I’m glad you are dancing around and giving yourself a high five, but before you book trips to Hedonism III or Las Vegas there are a few things you need to keep in mind when it comes to how you should treat your significant other — current or future.

Sex advice for singles

Don’t run amok to have aimless un-controlling sex. No need to be a glutton for sex. Moderation is key.
Masturbation is good! Healthy doses of self love is a good way to get in touch with what you enjoy.
Educate yourself on issues of sexuality and relationship. May I suggest my all time favorite sex book The Guide to Getting It On published by Goofy Foot Press? Check this book out; trust me it’s a good start to understanding your body and your future partner(s).
Treat each person you date or have a long-term relationship with love, dignity, and respect. If for any reason the relationship doesn’t live up to a commitment of some sort — marriage, etc. — let the best thing said about you be, “That was one of the best relationships I ever had and I can’t say nary a bad thing about it.”
Talk to God about whether you should be sexually active or not. Yeah, you heard me don’t look at your screen like I just sucked you into the Matrix. If you want to be a grown up and show you can be responsible for your sex life, than take the time to talk to God and ask him if its okay to be intimate with the person you are with.

When the God of the universe wants to be involved in every aspect of your life most of us turn this part off. Why not turn it on? Test it and see what he says; you’ll be surprised of the outcome.

The big thing is to make is this: its up to you to decide without the guilt and fear dominating in your life. Between yourself and God, you get to take the next step in any relationship.

You are responsible for the birth control material; you are responsible for getting tested; you are in charge of how to prepare to enjoy your sexual life. With God’s help you can decide to be sexual active or hold yourself till you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life.

No pressure. No issues. No problem.

Let the celebration begin!

Sexual Abstinence – Can You REALLY Have Intimacy Without Sex?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 15:23:21 +0000

Regardless of your personal reasons for choosing sexual abstinence, you really need to talk with your partner about what is and is not OK. The boundaries are different for everyone.

What IS Sexual Abstinence?

Here’s an excellent definition from SmarterSex.org

Sexual abstinence is a choice to refrain from sexual activity. This choice is usually made for a specific reason. The reason may be moral, religious, legal, or for health and safety.

Read this question from a desperate young man who’s wondering how he can ignite the passion in his relationship – without actually having sex…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over two years now, and we have decided to refrain from sex until marriage.

The lack of sex isn’t a problem like I said, but the main problem we are facing is a lack of intimacy. For example, we haven’t really ever made out or fooled around. We started to make out once but then all of a sudden – like something clicked in her head – she stopped abruptly.

Since then I have tried a few more times to make a move to make out with her, but every time she just seems to have a defense mechanism. I was wondering if you have any advice for me to be able to overcome this hurdle, or if you have some tips for us to try and make our relationship be more intimate without sex. Any advice you have will be greatly appreciated.

– Dan, Michigan

Intimacy Without Sex

Given that you’ve agreed not to have sex, is it possible to still have sexual intimacy?

Again, that depends on how you define intimacy. Is it cuddling on the sofa, or is it giving and receiving oral sex? As you can see those are two very opposite extremes. We like to think that intimacy is a shared closeness rather than a sexual activity, but that does not have to be your definition.

Intimacy is one of those words that has different meanings for different people. That’s why it’s critical to talk to each other and find meanings and boundaries that you’re both comfortable with. This is not about anyone else and is completely between the two of you.

You see, to some, kissing is the highest form of intimacy and to others ‘getting intimate’ means sexual intercourse.

It’s time to get down to details…

Talk openly about what kinds of sexual activities you are open to and what sexual activities are absolutely off limits. Since you’re not having sex, you’re going to have to learn to talk about it openly.

Here’s my question. If you’ve never had sex, how do you define the boundaries of sexual activity?

My suggestion to answering this question is to buy some books and truly learn about your body and sex – what it is, what it isn’t. That way you can make an educated decision on where to set your personal boundaries.

Once you’ve identified the boundaries, stick to them!

Trust and communication are so important to maintain a deep level of intimacy, especially when trying to abstain from sex. You don’t want to accidentally go too far and risk ruining the opportunity for further intimacy – and damaging your relationship!

Choosing Sexual Abstinence

One thing we want everyone to consider carefully is their reasons for choosing sexual abstinence.

While we support and respect other belief systems, we do not feel that sex is either bad or evil, especially when shared between two people who are in love. We feel that sex is a natural expression of this love and should not be repressed.

Many religious organizations and parents use all kinds of scare tactics like guilt, pregnancy, and disease to keep their children, and even other consenting adults, from having sex.

Don’t fall for these scare tactics.

We believe in making an educated decision! Take the time to really do your homework, read, watch, and ask questions… Understand sex and your body, what it is and what it isn’t, and why you are choosing to refrain from having sex.

Did you get that subtle word? Choice. It’s YOUR choice to have sex or to refrain from it (assuming of course you are of the age of legal consent, which may not be the same everywhere).

You don’t have to agree with us, but don’t simply do what others are telling you to do either.

If you do choose abstinence, make sure that you are doing so because it’s the right thing for you and for your relationship – not because of guilt, religion, or parental obligation.

Ask questions and demand honest and open answers!

How to Spice Up Your Sex Life and Save Your Relationship

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 19:53:33 +0000

Here’s a common scenario…

My partner and I have been together for 2 years and we have been living together for about 4 months. Now that we are living together, we rarely have sex. We are becoming more like best friends and I’m scared the passion is fading.

I don’t want to lose my relationship but I don’t know if I have the will power to save it. What can I do?

Watch this short video to find out how you can spice up your sex life and bring back that spark you had in the beginning…

How to Resolve Relationship Difficulties Without Making Your Partner Wrong

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 18:30:01 +0000

When you’re in a relationship with another person and you spend all, or most, of your time with that person, there are going to be things about them that you don’t like. In fact, they may even have some quirks that drive you absolutely insane!

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could bring up those concerns without it sounding like you’re nagging and without it turning into a full blown argument?

Here are some really great tips and suggestions that will help you talk about the things that drive you crazy without offending your partner and ruining a perfectly good day.

How to Resolve Difficulties Without Making Your Partner Wrong

by Marianne Torrence, Trainer and Facilitator

You’ve read all about the #1 relationship mistake – putdowns or making your partner feel wrong or belittled.

It’s pretty obvious that is not going to help a relationship, but what happens if your partner is doing something that really upsets you and they have no idea that it’s happening? Do you have to just put up with it and keep quiet?

After all, if you mention it it’s going to seem like a putdown, right?

Well, actually, not necessarily. This is where you have to learn some skills, how to introduce the subject, warn your partner that there’s something that’s on your mind, and ask for them to be able to hear you out, if possible without reacting.

Sound like a tall order, right? Maybe. A lot of this depends on your partner’s self-esteem and ability to understand that YOU having a problem with something they are doing doesn’t mean they are wrong for doing it. It simply means that YOU have a problem with it. Period.

So another point – if you have managed to bring up this undisclosed issue and get it off your chest without causing an upset, it’s wise to not then get into trying to get them to change it. Because often just the fact of communicating it and getting it heard, understood and acknowledged can not only make it less of an upset or concern for you, but may bring about in your partner a willingness to change whatever it is or at least consider it. Especially if they don’t feel put down by the way you brought it up.

Obviously a lot depends on the magnitude of what your partner was doing that was getting you upset. There’s a fairly substantial difference between leaving the cap off the toothpaste and spending every night at the pub with the boys.

There is also a major distinction between complaining about something constantly – a.k.a. nagging – and bringing it up once as an issue to be communicated and looked at.

The fundamental of being able to deal with these issues is to establish some procedures and agreements for communicating about potentially disturbing or “hot” topics. One of the best ways to do this is to create a “frame” or “introduction” to be used to signal you have an issue to discuss that may be challenging or difficult to face.

Phrases that can work can go something like this…

“Have you got some time to talk about something that’s been on my mind?”

“I have something that’s been bothering me and I would like to be able to talk about it to you without making you feel wrong. Do you feel up to listening right now?”

When you communicate the upset, take responsibility for it by phrasing it from your own perspective, not directed at your partner. E.g. “I find that I feel upset when I see you _________”, “My feelings get hurt when I notice ________ .” “It’s been seeming to me like you tend to ignore our daughter when she tries to tell you something, and I’d like to know if you feel that is happening, maybe you can help me understand what you feel is going on.”

Now, a lot of this depends on what sort of person your partner is. If you are with someone who under no circumstances can entertain the slightest hint that anything they do could possibly be improved, or is anything less than perfect, well, you’ve got troubles. (It is always EXTREMELY smart to make sure before you get into a relationship that the someone you have got your eye on is actually someone who is willing to correct mistakes and learn from them, and understands that no one does anything perfectly the first time.)

But if you have a reasonably confident well-balanced partner you should find no difficulty in establishing some ground rules as above to allow you to communicate about differences in viewpoint without starting a war. Just make sure it starts with an agreed on frame of reference so your partner is aware it’s “sort-out time” coming up.

And as much as possible make sure they are in a position to give you their undivided attention, with sufficient time to complete the discussion, before you launch into it. Five minutes before you leave to go to a party is probably not a good time!

Remember one of the vital points on this, when discussing your issue, leave out the word “you” as much as possible. Keep it to how YOU feel about whatever it is. Not what they did or said but the reaction of feeling you had about it. The word “you” can very easily sound accusative and become accusative.

And be as specific as possible about what is upsetting you. “I feel upset because you always burn the dinner” is not workable if it’s an exaggeration and therefore untrue! “I got upset when you burned the dinner twice last week and I wondered if there’s some way I can help you so that doesn’t happen” would provoke less reaction than the first statement.

Practice this if you need to. Even in front of the mirror. If you have old habits maybe ingrained from copying parents or from earlier relationships it may take some work – but it’s worth it –much less stressful!

There’s another much deeper secret about all this but it will have to wait for another article, this is enough for now.

Marianne Torrence is a clearing facilitator, personal development specialist and SuperTeaching trainer, providing in-depth and highly effective techniques and systems to “clear out your mental closets”; involving procedures which substantially reduce stress.

With 35 years of experience, Marianne delivers over 40 different programs covering a wide variety of issues people have such as unwanted limiting beliefs, removal of negative energy from traumatic incidents, relationship difficulties, communication ability enhancement, personal integrity makeover, attitude transformation, and bettering communication with their bodies.

The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 22:43:09 +0000

Here’s a great article from one of our featured authors, Marianne Torrence.

Marianne is a clearing facilitator, personal development specialist and SuperTeaching trainer, providing in-depth and highly effective techniques and systems to “clear out your mental closets”; involving procedures which substantially reduce stress.

You’ll want to read “The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid” right now because it will help you avoid the single biggest mistake that you can ever make in any relationship.

The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid

by Marianne Torrence

This mistake can destroy your relationships with children, friends, colleagues too.

One of the deadliest habits one can have is putting people down, devaluing them, making them wrong and all flavors of that activity. Everyone at one time or another has had experiences of feeling lessened or degraded by the attitude or comments of someone who was making them feel wrong or their communications of little value.

In a relationship or marriage, making your partner feel less, or creating an environment where people are afraid to speak because their communications are likely to be met by a putdown, is a sure recipe for disaster unless your partner is already disempowered or already accepting of the role of victim. Which hopefully isn’t the kind of partner you want or have got! But even if they are apparently accepting of this role, adding to it with putdowns will still backfire on the perpetrator.

In my many years of listening to people’s innermost thoughts and deepest hurts, I have observed that some of the deepest unhappiness and damage can be caused by people who continually emanate negative devaluing statements, creating an unsafe environment that kills the spirit along with any chance of a deepening and long-lasting closeness. And it is damaging to the person who does it too. Those around them may not express it, but the repressed hurt and resentment that accumulates will eventually rebound on the perpetrator.

The trouble is, a lot of the people who do this to others have no idea of the far-reaching effects it can have on the recipient. In my experience most aren’t confident enough or willing to ignore social niceties enough to just front up to the person doing it and just say “Knock it off – your put-down and make wrong communications are destructive and aren’t adding any value to the people you are delivering them to.”

The bottom line is… If a person has a tendency to put down their partner’s ideas, devalue their input, or have an attitude towards others that is derogatory, it is not likely that their relationships are going to develop and deepen. Nothing causes a person to build barriers around themselves faster than feeling put down and made wrong by the person they should feel closest to. And if they hold back their feelings about it instead of standing up to the person doing the make wrong, they will speed up the estrangement even more.

Well, so far all this probably sounds pretty negative, and you might be wondering if you can do anything about it anyway if you find yourself either doing this or experiencing it.

So what are some ways to prevent this habit from sabotaging relationships? Well, it’s simple, but not necessarily easy, and it does take practice.

One of the most effective things you can do is to focus on indicating that you have heard what someone said by acknowledging their communications. “I hear you”. “I understand that”, “OK”, “I got it”, “Good”, are all ways to show someone you understood what they said, without adding any judgment or negative attitude to it.

And when answering somebody’s communication focus on the positive, on appreciating other people’s points of view, and encouraging interchange rather than negating what has been communicated to you. “ I see your point of view”, “ I can understand how you feel that way”, “I appreciate your way of looking at that”, work much better to foster good relationships than “That’s silly”, “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, “You’re wrong”, “Shut up”, and various other negative replies.

A thing to remember about people who communicate this way is that it generally is a sign their own self-esteem and sense of self-worth is poor in that they feel they need to put others down in order to feel better about themselves. And additionally it means they don’t want anyone to be aware they feel this way.

So if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has this making wrong habit and you aren’t having any success in getting them to quit the habit, you might try commenting on it in these terms.

“You know, Joe, it’s been my experience that when people feel insecure and unsure of themselves one of the ways they try to make up for their feelings of inadequacy is to try to make others feel lessened by putting them down or devaluing them. Of course people who do this don’t realize if they keep doing it they’re pretty much sending out a signal that says ‘I feel worthless or not as good as everyone else so I am trying to lessen their sense of self-worth so they don’t show up my own inadequacy’. But I don’t suppose that’s why you keep doing it, is it? But I thought I’d better ask, because it worries me – Joe, do YOU actually feel inadequate – I wouldn’t have thought so, but tell me if that’s why you keep making less of other people?”

Some version of the above communication should work to make a person with a make wrong habit think twice every time they go to reply to someone with a putdown.

Knowing this information, you can also choose to simply not hook up in a relationship with someone who does this, can’t be brought to see that there’s anything destructive or damaging to relationships in doing it, and can’t easily change it or just plain won’t.

Realize that it’s not necessarily deliberate, that a lot of time the person IS unconscious of the effects, and may just be communicating in a way they learned from parents, school, work or any environment where people simply don’t know any better way.

There are other mistakes one can make in relationships, but this is one of the worst. No one wants to be around someone whose communication is killing their fun, their joy in life and indeed the very essence of their being.

Seven Easy Ways to Ignite the Spark in Your Relationship!

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 16:55:55 +0000

Here’s a great article from one of our featured authors, Melody Brooke. Melody is a Professional, Marriage and Family Counselor and InterPlay leader. Her approach uses body, mind, and spirit to help her clients heal themselves with her gentle and compassionate guidance.

“Seven Keys to a Lasting Connection” provides practical steps to ignite, or keep that spark, in your relationship. This is a must read article that is guaranteed to improve your relationship (assuming you are willing to take action ).

Seven Keys to Lasting Connection

It doesn’t matter how excited you are about your partner if you can’t stay on the same wavelength and keep a connection over time. Finding the right person is really less than half of what it takes to stay connected with someone. In working with couples and families over the past 18 years it has become clear to me that being in love, or even just loving someone, isn’t enough to keep the relationship going.

To maintain that magical feeling of love and special-ness in a relationship we have to be willing to take 150% ownership of the quality of the connection in our relationships. There are certain things we have to be willing to do and to continue doing if it is our intention to stay in love and in connection with our chosen partner.

The exciting thing is that it doesn’t matter if your relationship is only 6 months old or if its 20 years old, these things will work to deepen your connection. And, you don’t have to wait for the other person to do them, it’s not about what the other person does or doesn’t do. It’s about you deciding that you want to maintain that connection, and being willing to take that 150% ownership.

So here we go:

1) Love is an action: Show your partner how you feel about them every day, at least once a day. Do this even if you are in different states or countries. Show your care don’t just speak it. Saying “I love you” doesn’t deepen a connection unless it’s accompanied by actions. Leave love notes under your partner’s pillow when you are going to be out of town. Make sure the tires in his car have enough air in them before he leaves town. Hug her every time she walks in the door. Think to get her favorite flower once in a while, for no reason. Fix the leak in the bathroom he’s been complaining about. Wipe up the counter and pick up after yourself like she has been asking.

2) We are all kids at heart: Recognize that no matter how grown up your partner seems, they are really a little kid inside. (Oh yes, and so are you) We are all really just kids that have bodies that have aged. Inside all of us are the unmet needs of our childhood as well as the playful spontaneous joyful child that we once were. Throughout the time you spend with your partner, see if you can notice the kid inside them. Respond to that kid just as you would to a kid who has not yet grown older.

3) Bedtime sharing: If you live together, go to bed at the same time, together, every night. This is huge. That means turning off the TV, the night-light and the phone. This is your time together. Cuddle and talk, make love if the urge strikes but that is not the point. The point is to talk about your day, your worries, and your hopes. Discover that in spite of all the time you have spent together, you still don’t know each other. If you don’t live together, or are not together for whatever reason, talk on the phone after you climb into bed…

4) Don’t let things slide: When your partner says or does something you don’t agree with or that upsets you, tell them. Don’t just let it slide. This doesn’t mean making a mountain out of molehill, but be sure to give things that upset you the energy that they deserve. Pretending that something doesn’t matter doesn’t make it not matter. You may think it’s not important but over time these things add up and cause resentments and distance. You may not always have time to process the conflict at that moment, but at least let your partner know that you are having a problem and that you will need to discuss it later. When you go to bed together that night, discuss it, if you haven’t already.

5) You are not enemies: When you are in a conflict with your partner stop your arguing for a moment. Breathe deeply. Start thinking about what you love about this person, and what you are grateful for about them. Then remember that they are not your enemy. In the middle of a conflict it sure can feel that way. It can seem that they are attacking you and you are the victim. Instead of arguing your case back to them, listen to what they are saying and, more importantly, what they are feeling. Respond to what they are feeling. Own what you can about your part in whatever has upset them, this doesn’t mean agreeing with them, only that you can see that you have done something that upset them.

6) Touch well, tough often: Touch your partner as often as possible, and get them to touch you as often as possible. Skin to skin contact increases a hormone called oxytocin, the hormone of love. Oxytocin increases trust and a sense of safety; it reduces stress and increases sexual arousal. Most men and many women are touch deprived. In many cultures parents are taught not to “baby” their children and they interpret this as not cuddling them. Touch increases our overall sense of well being.

7) Play together. Be playful in your interactions. Have a sense of humor in times of stress. Find something playful to do that you both enjoy and make it a priority to keep it in your schedule. Play is critical to our sense of connection to others, and to our joy in life. In our culture we tend to get so serious and think that if an activity is not goal directed it has no purpose or meaning. Yet play expands our ability to think, develops creativity and gives us a sense of joy. Playing together in both structured and unstructured ways develops trust and engenders caring.

Staying connected requires time a commitment to the relationship. If you are willing to do all seven of these things, your relationship will flourish Even if you just do a few of them your relationship will fare better than many, certainly than those who first walk through the door of my counseling office.

How to Spice Up Your Sex Life and Save Your Relationship

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 03:11:44 +0000

The Question:

My partner and I have been together for 2 years now and we have been living together for about 4 months. Now that we are living together I feel that our relationship has changed. We hardly ever have sex, probably once a month is about all we manage to achieve.

I love sex and I’m sure that my partner does too, but for some reason we just can’t seem to make an effort to do the wild thing – one of us or both are always tired and sometimes it feels like we’re losing sexual compatibility; now it seems like I’ve had more passion in the past with other men or in the beginning of our relationship.

We do love each other and we’ve been through a lot together but I feel that our relationship is changing and I don’t know what to do about it.

We are becoming more like best friends everyday and I’m scared that the passion is fading. His idea of seduction and mine are totally different – he thinks ‘Let’s have sex?’ is an acceptable phrase into seducing a woman into hot sex, where as I would rather be pinned up against a wall without a word being said and so on…

When we weren’t living together our relationship was great; we did struggle a bit in the sex department but 3 times a week compared to once a month was a vast improvement.

Any advice you have considering this situation would be greatly appreciated. I don’t think I want to lose my relationship but I don’t know if I have the will power to save it – I don’t know what to do.

The Answer:

You might be surprised to learn that almost all long term relationships go through this ‘phase’ where everyone seems to get a little lazy. From my experience, it seems to happen somewhere between 18 months and 3 years into the relationship.

Here are some ideas that will help you make the best decision for you…

Does he know how you feel?

Open and honest communication is the most important component of any relationship.

Talk about it! Yes, with him, not with your girlfriends, not with anyone else. It’s absolutely amazing how many lovers simply don’t communicate openly and honestly with one another.

So many guys chat about their love live with their buddies, often as a way of bragging and showing off. And then they ask their guy friends if this or that sex idea would be ok. This is a bad idea for guys and girls. If you’re trying to figure out what sexual experiences to try out, talk with your lover not your buddies.

So, does he know that you crave hot spontaneous sex, or that you get excited by playing a little rough? Guess what, he might like that too! Or he might not, but you’ll never know if you don’t explore this topic together. And by the way, you’ll have a lot of fun and get a lot closer in the process.

Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings and check your ego at the door

It’s a strange thing, but sex partners often get their feelings hurt when one of them suggests trying something new, or doing something a little differently.

Get over it! The point of sex and intimacy is to enjoy each other and be happy together! Unless of course you’re focused solely on making babies – but that’s not the topic of this article…

Getting comfortable and killing your relationship

Complacency, also known as “getting comfortable” is the death knell of so many relationships, it may as well be a full blown epidemic. So many couples strive to “get comfortable”. What that means is they stop trying. And guess what… you stop trying, and your relationship dies. It’s that simple. The excitement and attraction dies, and your relationships becomes a project that you’re always fixing up. That’s no fun.

So how can you add that spice and excitement back into your relationship so that you’re not just lusting after those hot bodies at the gym?

Seduction as a game for lovers – the chase begins anew

The thrill of seduction doesn’t end when you get into a relationship. Why give up such a wonderful thing, even if you could?

Admit it, we enjoy the chase. I know I do and I’m at peace with it. And if you’re not chasing your lover, you’ll end up chasing someone else. We’re just wired that way. So let’s just accept that fact and use it to our advantage.

When was the last time you tried to seduce your partner? …

No, I’m not talking about coming home and saying “hey, let’s go have sex”. Blah! Boring!

I mean dressing up to look your best, wearing something sexy and feeling sexy.

Some of the best and most exciting sex is spontaneous sex, when you’re so wrapped up in the heat of the moment that you just can’t stop from ripping each other’s clothes off! Now that’s excitement. And doesn’t it sound more fun than “hey, let’s go have sex”?

Schedule hot sex dates

You go through the trouble of scheduling lunch and dinner appointments with just about everyone in your life. How about paying at least that much attention to your lover? Make time for that really steamy hot date, and plan accordingly. That way you’ll both be anticipating it all day, or all week.

Make a sex date box

Here’s a neat idea. Get together with your lover and each of you jot down a steamy date idea on a piece of paper and agree that each time you go on a hot steamy date, you’ll pick a card from your special sex date box.

Watch some erotic movies – together

Basic Instinct, Wild Orchid, 9 and 1/2 Weeks – it doesn’t have to be Playboy Porn, just something that gets you excited – trust me – he’ll get excited simply by you being excited.

Go out and buy some hot lingerie – together

What could be more exciting than shopping for hot lingerie together? By the time you’re done, you’ll be well in the mood for a hot sex date.

How about going to an adult toy store – together?

Maybe go visit an adult toy store together. Even if you don’t buy anything, you’re sure to have a lot of fun checking out all the merchandise.

Mix it up with some new sexual adventures

Doing the same old thing over and over again is bound to get boring. You wouldn’t watch the same TV show for the rest of your life, would you?

Try something different. Whether you’re up for a threesome or interested in the wild latex world of BDSM, the same idea applies.

Be open to new experiences. Venture out and keep it exciting.

In summary

Talk with your partner about sex. Really, make a date to sit down and go over it. Then resolve to always talk about it form then on.
Check your ego at the door. If your partner makes sex suggestions and you get defensive, then you’re missing the point completely. Get over it and put your partner first. You’ll be glad you did.
Don’t strive to get “comfortable” in a relationship. If you’re there, break out of it before you doom your relationship for good.
Bring the excitement of seduction and the chase back into your relationship – fast.
Actually schedule some hot sex dates with your partner. Really.
Keep it exciting with some new sexual adventures. Try new things. Open your mind and explore the entire world of sex possibilities.
For some fresh new sex ideas download Michael Webb’s 500 Lovemaking Tips & Secrets (Read our review here).

Long Distance Relationships – Can They Really Work?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 15:33:31 +0000

The Question: I met a wonderful man in April 2006. On our first date he told me that he would be moving across the country for graduate school in August and would not be interested in a long distance relationship. I continued to date him anyway, and we had a great relationship for 5 months. We saw each other every day and basically lived together.

When it was time for him to move, I told him that if he was willing to change his mind, I’d love to stay together and do the long distance relationship, but he was sure it would cause too many problems. He wanted to keep a friendship and to stay on good terms so a future together might be possible. Since he moved, we have spoken almost every day. He flew me to New York for Thanksgiving, and Florida for Christmas so I could meet his family.

It’s been bothering me that he won’t commit to be exclusive with me, so I told him to either stop calling me every day telling me he misses me and giving kisses over the phone, or show me he wants to be with me and be my boyfriend. I felt like I was giving him the benefits of having a girlfriend, without him having the responsibility of having a girlfriend. He thinks I’m worried too much about the title. I don’t know what to do because we’re a really great match.

Should I continue to talk to him and stop worrying about the title?

Or should I break up with him and move on to find someone who wants to call himself my boyfriend?

The Answer: I think your boyfriend is very wise and is showing great responsibility by not making promises that he’s not necessarily ready to keep. He told you up front what his expectations were for the relationship – something that a lot of men would not have been strong enough to do.

I agree with him, boyfriend is just a title. The terms boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, and wife are often used to imply ownership. Titles are for cars, not people. We cannot own or control another person, especially their feelings and emotions - as hard as we may try…

It sounds like he really likes you and that you have a great relationship.

Why does the relationship have to be exclusive for you to enjoy each others company? If your relationship is strong enough, why not just agree to be completely open and honest with each other. Agree to tell each other if you’re seeing someone else.

Seeing someone else doesn’t mean your relationship has to end. That’s just jealousy rearing its ugly head. Jealousy is an emotion of fear and control. We’re afraid of losing something that doesn’t even belong to us in the first place.

Since you’re so far apart

Why insist you each be lonely and miserable during the times that you can’t be together. Go out and enjoy life, rather than sitting around waiting by the phone. That way when you are together, you can really have fun and enjoy each other without the worry and dread of when it’s going to end and you have to be apart again.

If you’re afraid of losing him to someone else, then you are letting fear and jealousy get in the way of a perfectly good relationship.

Are you ready for a really controversial statement?

“Complete honesty and trust in a relationship is more important than complete monogamy.”

Trust has nothing to do with what someone is doing or who they’re with.

My definition of trust is “knowing that the person you’re with feels comfortable enough with you to tell you absolutely anything without fear of retribution.”

Dan and I have an agreement that if we are ever interested in someone else, we’ll talk about it and if it seems like the right thing to do, then so be it. Isn’t it a little selfish to keep our partner from being happy, just to satisfy our own selfish desires?

“Unconditional, or true love means that you love someone regardless of what they say, do, or feel. Love is something we give, not something we take…”

This is probably not what you’re going to hear from other people, but I recommend not trying to hold on so tight and letting things develop naturally. Enjoy the time you do have together. Life flows much more easily when we stop trying to control other people and make them fit into out tight little boxes. And trust me; we all have our boxes of how we think reality ‘should’ be.

In summary…

Accept him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
If you’re going to have a long distance relationship with him, then enjoy it for what it is, see each other when you can, and stop worrying about commitments and what he’s doing when you’re not around.
When the time is right and you’re BOTH ready, you can make a more serious commitment.
Worry less about what everyone else says that you should do and follow your heart.

Top 10 New Year’s Sex Resolutions

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 16 Jan 2007 22:53:47 +0000

There are 100′s of New Year’s Resolution lists out there, but they’ve all forgotten one of the most important areas of our lives – SEX. The most I’ve seen this topic covered is something like “have more sex” or “have better sex”.

We’ll I’ve decided to give you some ways that will actually help those resolutions come true…

Here are my Top 10 New Year’s Sex Resolutions. Add these to your list and you’re guaranteed to have more and better sex this year!

1. Lose the Idealism
To truly enjoy sex, there is one thing that you absolutely must do – Stop worrying about what other people think. Get rid of all of those self-imposed limiting beliefs that are keeping your sex life utterly boring. You know the nice girls don’t do this, good boys don’t do that, and this is how sex should be stuff…

Find someone who likes to play the way you do and have fun!

Sexploration’s, Brian Alexander said it best this year: “Can we resolve to get over the idea that his holding your wrists down to the bed means he’s a Neanderthal brute, or that she’s a bitchy feminist if she wants to ride you like Sea Biscuit? Sex is supposed to be joyful, exhilarating, intimate and revealing.”

2. Try New Things
Vow to try new sex positions, new sex toys, and new sex acts this year. Variety is the spice of life and adventure broadens your horizons. Don’t be timid in the New Year, keep an open mind and try something new in bed, whether it’s anal sex, a threesome, or living out your wildest fantasies. It could even be as simple as just admitting that it’s OK to like sex.

3. Embrace Erotica
Read more erotic books and watch more erotic movies (ideally with your partner, but if you’re flying solo – enjoy!). Don’t like porn (we don’t either)? So watch some of those very erotic but not quite porn movies like “Wild Orchid”, “9 1/2 Weeks”, “Body Heat”, and “Sliver”. They get me excited every time!

Commit to reading at least one erotic novel each month. My favorite author in this genre is Don Winslow, but there are many more to choose from. Find an author and a theme that you like and start reading. I challenge you to get through one whole book without getting excited.

4. Have More Sex. Lose Weight. Feel Great.
Sex is great exercise and it’s WAY more fun than going to the gym. Sex improves circulation and aerobic fitness by increasing heart rate and respiration, and exercises many major muscle groups. Did you know that you can burn between 100 to 300 calories per hour during sex? …

5. Talk About Sex
Have a conversation with your partner or friends about sex. Again, lose the idealism. If your friends don’t like to talk about sex – find some friends that do. If you have a partner, how else are you going to know what turns them on? How will they know what turns you on? Not talking about sex is a certain recipe for disaster, or at least a really boring sex life.

A word of warning… Please use compassion when talking and listening about sensual topics. For some reason, it’s really hard for most people to talk about sex. Our egos get offended and our feelings get hurt. So be patient and listen without judgment or bias. In the end everyone will learn something about sex and you may even be happier for it.

6. Masturbate
This is something that just about everyone does and almost no one talks about. Get over it! With all your efforts toward self-improvement, don’t forget to reward yourself with some good old-fashioned masturbation. It’s one of the best ways to relax, ease your tension, and get in touch with your body. Take a time-out from your hectic schedule and spend some quality time with yourself.

If you can’t enjoy and love your own body, how can you expect anyone else to ever please you?

7. Live Your Fantasies
Make a commitment to live your fantasies this year. What do you think about when no one else is around or when you’re masturbating? Write it down and share it with your partner. Who knows, they may just want to help you play out your favorite fantasy and you’ll both be in for some exciting surprises. Just talking about your fantasies with your partner can often lead to hot sex on the spot.

8. Organize Your Sex Toys
Quit tossing that vibrator under the bed with the dust bunnies. Keep your ropes, leather straps, dildos, vibrators, and other sex toys clean, organized, and carefully stored in a drawer or box. They’ll last longer and you’ll always know where to find them when you need them.

Having said that – sex toys may not be your thing… But don’t make that decision until you’ve at least tried several variations.

9. Dress to Impress
Do you really expect your partner to see you wearing your baggy shorts with the hole in the backside, your hair sticking out, and those glasses at the end of your nose as you read the paper, and still find you sexy? Do you feel sexy when you dress that way – NO.

Save those “extra comfy” clothes for those times when you’re alone – wear something nice when you’re together, or at least get dressed…

10. Put Your Partner First
Guys, be more considerate – let your partner orgasm first. She puts up with a lot, so try putting her first once in a while and give her a screaming orgasm (or two or three) before you even think about it. Ladies, surprise your man with impromptu quickie sex – they love it!

I hope you’ve enjoyed these ideas for a very sexy 2008.

If you have any other ideas to make 2008 absolutely orgasmic, please share. We’d love to hear your ideas and so would our other readers.

Is it OK to Have Sex for the Sake of REALLY Good Sex… With No Relationship Commitments?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 13 Jan 2007 14:51:08 +0000

The Question:

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and father of my 2 year old daughter. I’m 35 and he’s 28. He is now seeing a 22 year old girl for the use of her truck – I believe. He says that he still loves me (maybe just for the sex) and we have continued to have sex since breaking up. He is, however, very irresponsible in a relationship. The sex is great between us and I have a hard time turning him down because I do still love him. I think that I may want him back because I can’t stand to see him with someone else or to think that he is sleeping with another person.

Should I stay with him just for the sex? Or should I make him make a choice of getting no sex unless he’s willing to make the relationship work between us? What should I do?

The Answer: Our answer to this question may seem controversial to some, but here goes…

What is a relationship?

A relationship can be defined as “a state of connectedness between people”. Because of the fact that the two of you have a child together, you will always have a parental relationship and parental responsibilities. The choice that each of you have to make is what type of relationship you want in addition to being the parents of your daughter.

Here are just a few ideas:

An intimate relationship is a relationship with a great deal of physical and/or emotional intimacy – romantic or passionate love and attachment with or without sex.

A casual relationship (sometimes referred to as “friends with benefits”) is the physical and emotional relationship between two unmarried people who have a sexual relationship or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting a more formal relationship as a goal.

Friendship, is a relationship that results when two people have found a common ground and consists of mutual love, trust, respect, and unconditional acceptance of one another.

I recommend that the two of you have a heart to heart, open and honest discussion about what you both want and are willing to accept around your relationship as adults and your relationship as parents.

It is critical to check your ego at the door.

We have been known to use a code word or a physical object to use as a flag when someone’s ego starts flaring up. Once that happens, any intelligent conversation is over. If someone’s ego takes over the conversation (you’ll know when this happens by tone and number of snipes the other person starts making), take a 15 minute break in separate rooms to allow yourselves to cool down. And then resume the conversation.

A brief discussion on jealousy.

Jealousy can be defined as “a boundary-setting custom developed for limiting sexual access to those relationships that a group defines as important.” It’s that feeling of fear, suspicion, or envy over something you perceive as your possession.

I’m going to get on my soap box for a moment here…

In modern society, many people mistake a romantic relationship, for a purchase contract. If we could simply understand that we do not and should not ‘own’ or try to control another person, there would be no jealously.

Jealousy is a very primitive emotion based entirely on fear and the desire to control other people and their actions - When in reality, the only real control that we have is over ourselves and our actions.

Jealousy and fear are engrained in our society and encouraged by governments and religions to exercise control over the population. That’s why when you get married, you sign a “marriage contract“, to take possession of your spouse… (I warned you this was going to be a little controversial.)

Here’s an idea. Try replacing jealousy, control, and ownership with forgiveness, acceptance, and unconditional love in all of your relationships. You’ll be much happier in all areas of your life once you let go of fear and wanting to control others. Really – give it a try…

Staying with him just for sex.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having sex just for the sake of good sex! IF you’re both emotionally mature enough to enjoy it without feeling guilty or trying to make the other person feel guilty.

Take a step back to understand the reasons that you want to have sex with each other. Are you trying to fill an emotional void? Trying to hold on to previous feeling about each other? Do you simply enjoy it? What are your personal reasons? Make sure they resonate true to you and actually bring you joy. Don’t do it for the wrong reasons.

Making him choose between sex and relationship.

My advice on this one – Don’t ever push a man, or anyone else, into a corner by forcing a decision like that, they’ll run every time .

Instead, take some time to REALLY get to know each other on an honest and very deep level. This is that heart to heart discussion that I mentioned at the beginning.

If you can’t be honest with each other, you lose from the beginning.

In summary…

Spend some time with yourself to understand what you really want out of the relationship.
Talk to each other openly and honestly about what type of relationship your both want and will agree upon – and stick to it.
Replace jealousy, control, and ownership with forgiveness, acceptance, and unconditional love.

Honesty About Previous Sex Partners… How Much Do You Really Need To Share?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 22:25:00 +0000

The Question: I have been with a man for 5 months. He told me a few months ago that he has strong values and wants to wait for marriage to have sex. I was a little disappointed, but I respect his beliefs. We are very open with each other and I have never lied to him about anything until he asked me how many people I have slept with. I said 3, but the real number is around 40. I’ve never been so sure about someone in my life until I met him and wish to put my promiscuity in the past, but I fear he may look at me differently due to his strong values. That is why I wonder if it is necessary for me to tell him the real number of people I have had sex with. Or is this a lie that can remain a secret?

The Answer: My first response is that it’s no one else’s business how many people you’ve had sex with in the past or will have sex with the future…

Don’t allow yourself or your actions to be judged by another person. We make decisions every day and we learn from the results of those decisions and move on to the next decision. There is absolutely no reason to regret any decision you’ve ever made as long as you learned something from the experiences that followed. We grow with each experience, each choice, and each relationship. Some philosophers say that’s what life is really about – experiencing life so that we can discover who we truly want to be.

"We sometimes have to experience who we don’t want to be so that we can discover the person we want to become."

Each of us has our own set of core values that are important to us, but that doesn’t give us the right to push those values onto another person, nor to judge that person because they do not share our values now or in the past. Your partner should not judge you for your past actions because it is those actions and decisions that have made you the person that he or she loves today.

One man’s convictions, values, and moral beliefs are another man’s heresy. For thousands of years different societies have persecuted other cultures and societies for arbitrary "values" and "morality".

Ponder this for a moment… In the greater scheme of the Universe, what gives one man or society the right to determine what is right and wrong for everyone else? Or to force others to feel shame if they feel or believe differently?

If you are suppressing who you really are to match up with another person’s "strong values", realize that there’s nothing wrong with who you are, and there’s nothing in the world that makes their values and beliefs, or life experience, any better than yours. Period. Beware of convincing yourself to live up to someone else’s values. You could end up resenting the other person for it, which could end your relationship.

While I cannot make your decision for you as to whether or not to tell your boyfriend the actual number of people that you’ve slept with, I will say this: Open and honest communication in a relationship is vital to its growth and survival. If this is something that will haunt you and cause you distress on the inside, then you should tell him because suppressing it will affect your relationship. But if you can truly forgive yourself and let go of any guilt that you carry around regarding your past sexual activity, then I say let sleeping dogs lie and move on with your life.

How Incense and Pot Can Save Your Relationship…

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 03 Nov 2006 15:05:00 +0000

Incense and pot… old friends together again.

Remember those days back in college? Oh well, even if you don’t remember or you don’t want to admit to it…

Here’s the story about how incense and pot saved our relationship last year…

Last year we were literally homeless for two weeks – at the Westin Stonebriar Resort. If you have to be homeless, that’s the way to go!

The problem, even with some of the nicer hotels, is that there is usually only one bathroom and the potty is in the open.

Dan and I have a really open relationship but there are a few things that we choose not to share. Our bathroom habits and associated aromas are some of those things.

So how did we survive 2 weeks sharing this incredibly open bathroom arrangement?

Simple – Incense.

People have used incense for years to cover up the smell of pot (the organic variety). We just applied the same logic to our very confined bathroom arrangement and were very pleasantly suprised. Incense is an amazing odor eliminator – better than any of those spray can concoctions that usually make the room smell horrible and stinky in another, but no better, way.

So please be kind to your significant other – light an incense in the bathroom every time you use the ‘pot’ – they’ll love you for it!

Have a great day!
Dan & Jennifer

______________________________________
Ask Dan and Jennifer
Authors, Coaches, and Online Dating Insiders
www.AskDanAndJennifer.com

Seems MySpace and Friendster Aren’t Just For Your Kids Anymore…

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 08:17:00 +0000

Ok, so we all got used to thinking about MySpace and Friendster as online hangouts for the college and younger crowd.

But something’s changed…

These amazingly popular social networking sites seem to have absorbed a large segment of the grown-up population.

According to Comscore, the nice folks who bring us website stats, the age of the average MySpace user is – get this – between 35 and 54.

“MySpace.com has the broadest appeal across age ranges, Facebook.com has created a niche among the college crowd, Friendster.com attracts a higher percentage of adults, and Xanga.com is most popular among younger teens. There is a misconception that social networking is the exclusive domain of teenagers, but this analysis confirms that the appeal of social networking sites is far broader.”

You can get down and dirty details from the ComScore press release here:
http://www.comscore.com/press/release.asp?press=1019

So, we’re not talking mostly college kids, but rather a majority of people who are over 35. Go figure.

Of course, there’s been a lot of back and forth between the "in the know" and the "wanna be in the know" people (a.k.a. "experts") on this for the last week or so.

The truth is probably somewhere in between, but the bottom line remains – MySpace isn’t just for your kids anymore.

Don’t be shy – leave a comment on this post and tell us what you think.

Have a great day!
Dan & Jennifer

______________________________________
Ask Dan and Jennifer
Authors, Coaches, and Online Dating Insiders
www.AskDanAndJennifer.com

Revealing New Online Dating Book…

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 28 Jun 2006 16:30:00 +0000

If you have ever thought about trying online dating or if you are using online dating but having less than amazing results, this book is for you.

Don’t spend hours of wastedtime searching all over the internet trying to find out about online dating.

We have compiled everything, and I do mean everything that you need to know to meet your perfect partner online!

"Online Dating – Finding Love Online"

5 Proven Strategies for Success
and
The Top 5 Things You Should Never
Put In Your Profile

by Jennifer Hunt and Dan Baritchi

Go here to get it today!
http://www.online-dating-tips-and-guide.com

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