Ask Dan and Jennifer » previous lovers

Previous Lovers – I’m Not Her First! How Can I Forgive Her? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 13:22:40 +0000

When you’re with someone you love or really care about, it can be difficult to think about the fact that they may have been with someone else before you.

It can be even more difficult to think about the fact that they might have been with several someone else’s before you – is this something you will let destroy your current relationship or is it something you can move past and have a healthy relationship in the here and now?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I am not my girlfriend’s first boyfriend. She has had sex with previous men and images of her having sex with them keep popping into my head. How can I forgive her for her past?

George, Wyoming

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The Past Is The Past

Everyone comes with a past – it’s what makes us who we are today. Everyone’s past is diverse and different and that’s what actually makes us beautiful as human beings. Sometimes someone’s past may include romantic relationships with people that it didn’t work out with, and most often, these romantic relationships are intimate.

Many times, two people will come into a new relationship with pasts that involved being intimate with other people and this is completely normal, especially if you’re older and have had several relationships. Fortunately, most people are able to let the past be the past – if you’re in a relationship now and you love and care about the person you’re with, it’s easy to leave the past alone and focus on the here and now.

Love and Acceptance

Although thinking about your partner being with someone else romantically and sexually may not give you warm and fuzzy feelings inside, it’s something that generally needs to be left alone to have a healthy and happy relationship in the present.

It’s not “bad” or even at all inappropriate for your partner to have a romantic and sexual past – in fact, you might have a romantic and sexual past. Even though you may have some feelings of jealousy or you may wish that your partner had only been intimate with you, it’s important to let it go, because in all reality, there’s nothing you can do about your partner’s past.

For a healthy and happy relationship in the here and now, it’s important to learn to accept your partner for who they are today, even with everything that happened in the past.

Ask yourself the critical question – who is your partner with now? Who does your partner want to be with now?

Chances are, the answer to the question is you. Don’t let something you can’t help destroy a relationship with someone you love and care about and someone that loves and cares about you right now.

Counseling….

How Letting Go of the Past Can Help You Hold On To The Future (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 13:18:46 +0000

The past can be a tricky thing. It always seems to haunt us, especially when we really need to learn to let it go.

When you enter into a serious relationship with someone, you tend to take on their pasts as well, and it can be difficult to accept what may or may not have happened in their lives before you came along.

This can put a serious damper on your relationship! How can you learn to let go of your partner’s past so you can move forward with them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for just over six months now. I feel quite serious about him, but I have issues with past relationships. I was married for 7 years and divorced. Things went well with him up until I found out about and saw pictures of his ex-girlfriends. This seemed to trigger some sort of obsession which I believe was the catalyst of our break up. I needed to find out more about them. Which led to my self esteem plummeting, I believe I wasn’t worthy of his affection. Now with my new boyfriend, I can see a similar pattern emerging. This result in me being distant and pushing my boyfriend away in fear of destroying another relationship, which is the last thing I want to do. Please help.

- Vicky, UK

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The past is the past.

…

Can You Trust Your Partner to Be JUST Friends with a Previous Lover? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 23:22:42 +0000

So your partner claims to be just friends with a previous lover…

Fact is, it’s only natural to continue to have feelings for your ex even after the break up. But what happens when your partner remains good friends with their ex? Is it possible for them to be ‘just’ friends or will they be prone to ’slippage’?

Is this really possible? Should you trust them?

We feel that love is not finite and that it’s very possible to love many different people for different reasons. We love our children, our parents, our friends, and our pets. We love them all dearly, but in slightly different ways.

So, yes. We do think it’s possible for your partner to remain friends with their ex girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse. There’s nothing wrong with this as long as there are no secrets about the relationship. Your partner should be completely open and honest with you about their feelings and where they stand.

How can you address the jealousy monster?

Even with full disclosure, there’s bound to be some jealousy from either their previous partner or from you. In today’s society, many treat their partners like they own them, telling them who they can talk to, where they can go, and when… The best way to combat the jealousy monster in this situation is open and honest communication and lots and lots of reassurance.

What if you suspect that there’s more than friendship going on?

So you’ve been completely flexible and trusting, but you have this nagging feeling that there’s more to this friendship than meets the eye?

If you believe that your partner is playing the friend card to hide an affair, you should…