Ask Dan and Jennifer » relationship help

Don’t Let The Passion Fade!

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:00:25 +0000

Passion is not to be confused with love, but it still is an important part of a relationship – and it’s important to understand WHY it’s important! Because the feelings of passion we experience – especially pronounced at the beginning of a relationship – aren’t actually love, couples should be aware that the absence of passion is not the absence of love. However, losing passion in a relationship is something that should not be taken lightly.

As one therapist on PsychologyToday.com described it:

“But those couples who have failed to keep the passion alive can sometimes resemble a stagnant pond that has no fresh water coming in or going out — the relationship just sort of sits there. It isn’t going anywhere and it certainly doesn’t have enough freshness to it to bring life.”

Especially once you’ve been in a committed relationship for a while, it’s easy to get to that point of stagnation. Life is busy and demanding. There are frequently careers in the picture, perhaps kids, home ownership, financial demands and relationship stress, family issues, and much more. I bring this topic up particularly around the holidays when – although it’s a time we SHOULD be using to spend with loved ones and reignite passion in our romances – it’s often instead a period of the year that is incredibly stressful and draining.

How To Keep Romance Alive

I talk about a few techniques to keep the romance alive in my book, Make Up Don’t Breakup, and I also use these strategies for couples that have been through an affair or feel themselves pulling away from their partner. They work in less serious circumstances to – because, let’s face it, everyone in a relationship at one time or another has needed a little change to their routine. So give them a try this holiday season and focus on what’s important in your life!

Make A Decision To Fall In Love Again

Fidelity – both sexual and financial – results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

Treat Each Other Like You Did At The Beginning

Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up – go back to the honeymoan! Make these activities your top priority!

A Touch Can Be Magical!

It can get your hormones flowing and build attraction. Rediscover romance by bringing physical connection – at whatever lever you’re comfortable with – back into your life.

Give Up Your Old Money Relationships

Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.

Sustainable Relationships

Maryanne Comaroto — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:00:44 +0000

If you have had a few relationships you know what I mean by “sustainability,” especially ones that have been a source of pain or suffering to some degree. (Some of which have compelled you to dispose of them by almost any means, organic or not.) But what of the ones you wish to keep, nurture and grow? Given all the energy most of us spend putting ourselves “out there” on the emotional limb let’s wise up and turn those seeds into wisdom. Let’s instead get on with how to make our lives fertile so that we can more optimally attract and create more healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationships.

Okay, enough with the plant metaphor. You get it (hopefully). The deal is that if we come to relationship broken up, with some serious unexamined baggage, expecting to attract great relationships, odds are the next one will end up much the same—in disappointment and regret. At some point, as I have said many times, you gotta be thinking, “Hey, maybe it’s not just them.”

Here are some pointers for how to sustain any great relationship (platonic or otherwise), once you have carefully selected who you want to be in it with:
Respect Here’s a word. Know what it means? If you don’t, you have no chance at REAL, lasting intimacy (in my not-so-humble opinion). If you respect yourself, just double it. Don’t just talk about it either—this is an action item. Respect is not a feeling, it’s a way of behaving!

Responsible Communication

You get to choose from every word in the English language (or whatever language you share) in whatever tone you choose to communicate your thoughts and feelings to another, so choose carefully. You have no one to blame if you don’t tell the truth or say what you want. My teacher says “We are always doing one of two things; creating separation or connection.” What is your intention?

Integrity

Do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, as often as humanly possible. And don’t BS yourself. Nobody trusts a flake, nor does anyone want their vulnerable hearts to be in the care of one. If you love and respect someone, ACT like it!

Compatibility

Just because someone has good energy doesn’t mean you do real life well together. Watch what people DO, not only what they say. Make sure you are compatible with them or you’ll be sadly disappointed, eventually bored and even resentful. There are 7 billion people on the planet—check some more of them out and quit trying to make someone they are not!

Compassion

Walked a mile in their shoes, have you? I recommend before you think you know whatever you think you know about the person you say you love, one of the most loving acts of all is to try and understand as much as you want to be understood. Old adage for a reason. ‘Cause it’s a damn good one!

Expectations

The fastest way to get back to love in any relationship is to want nothing. Period. Try it. No one is responsible for your happiness or anything else, unless expressly agreed to.

Consciousness Agreements

One of my all-time favorites. Let people know what’s important to you up front. As soon as possible, in fact. In any relationship the time to negotiate is up front, not after you are in deep! Don’t want to party a lot, but notice you keep giving in and feeling bad about yourself—but afraid to lose your friends if you stand up for yourself? Don’t want to have sex so much, but because you’re afraid they will leave, you do it anyway (see compatibility)? What are your non-negotiables?

These tools and skills have helped me immeasurably over the years and I rely on them all, as they are responsible for helping me maintain the loving, healthy relationships I have today! Remember, relationships take work, they are not just “add water,” and people are not disposable. They are precious blessings, and in their presence I feel blessed to keep on my path to becoming the best version of myself, as well as have the privilege to witness l those I love do the same!

Are You Sure You Can Handle The Truth?

Maryanne Comaroto — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 00:06:49 +0000

Ever wondered what would happen if you told “the whole truth and nothing but the truth”? I’ve come to a point in my life and in my relationship where that is one of my highest standards – that I must absolutely be true to what’s on my heart. But years ago, when I first started heading down this path, I wasn’t at a place personally or relationally that supported such a venture. And the results were nearly disastrous!

When The Truth Hurts

Many years ago, when I had only been married a short time, I came home wanting to share with my husband a new and interesting thought I’d been pondering. I wasn’t sure how he would take it. OK, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t take it well … but I was hopeful.

I felt burdened by my experience and assumed that my partner would have at least some interest in dropping in with me (it was my unspoken ideal of what love looked like-that we care deeply about what is important to each other) – so I ventured to say:

“Have you ever seen someone, you know, like on the street, or while you were in your car waiting at a stop light and thought to yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what my life would be like right now if I married that guy?” He stood, eyebrows raised, expressionless, poised like a soldier given marching orders, and walked away without saying a word…for two weeks.

Lying By Omission

Aha. Just as I suspected (frankly, as my mother warned me), men don’t want to hear this kind of thing. You know – things like: how many men you have really slept with, if you’ve ever experienced pleasure outside of your relationship with them, if you’re frightened, insecure, needy-and they definitely don’t want to hear that you are currently wondering what it might be like to be with anyone else aside from them.

To be fair and, well, honest, the same seems to hold true for us women; we aren’t so keen on hearing that our beloved has just fantasized about another life with some other woman (or man). We don’t want to hear that YES he thought that woman who just walked by was GORGEOUS and had fabulous breasts, butt, eyes, whatever. Nor do we want to hear that lately the relationship isn’t spicy enough, or that they have temporarily lost interest in sex, or are considering that perhaps this is not the relationship they signed on for…and on and on.

So what to do? Because I’m curious – and realized I’d hit a nerve – I took this show on the road. I gathered a studio audience filled with men (I was pretty clear on where we women stood on the matter) and dragged 40 of them down the rabbit hole with me, determined for them to give it up. To cough up the truth, the whole truth and nothing but…their truth. Thank God (dess) they came along willingly!

Under the right circumstances men will tell you almost anything, particularly when they know you won’t hold it against them-for ransom!!

Invariably, each man told a similar story as I passed the microphone around. They want to say it (the truth, that yes, they were looking and liked what they saw), but they feel that the women cannot handle the truth and they would suffer the consequences or punishment (usually a withhold of sex). So the men decide, it isn’t worth it. (For the record, most women don’t tell the truth because we fear men will leave and we need them to stay, so we too withhold such truths). I declare to my men that all of the above eventually turns to poison and kills the relationship-a slow, yet lethal seepage of lie-onide. And ask, what, if anything, can be done and wait to see who cares.

Handling The Truth

A few brave men raise their hands and say they will bite the bullet, that they are tired of the game, want to be free and see whether the damage can be avoided with some compassion, patience and valor. My heart swells, I deliver copious hugs and close the show hopeful for all relationships now and in the future.

Regardless of the subject matter, I remain a faithful servant to the liberating phrase, The truth shall set you free. And today fill my life with people young and old devoted to the truth, whose hearts swell with compassion and expand with courage to venture towards greater freedom of being. Thanks to those brave men and my devotion to the truth, I am ever grateful and am no longer afraid to lose what is not possible to have. Blessings!

I Think My Boyfriend is a Mama’s Boy – Can You Help Me?!

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 00:00:07 +0000

Every once in awhile, I get emails from women who need unique relationship help. They have identified their significant others as mama’s boys and want to know if they should continue to try to love them or leave them. Now, mama’s boys come in a variety of personalities. A real macho dude can be every bit his mother’s son even as the man who is still tied to her apron strings. But these emails are specifically about the “apron strings mama’s boys.”

Is Your Boyfriend Or Husband A Mama’s Boy?

Having changed identifying details to protect the innocent, a recent email read something like this.

“I have invested several years in my relationship with my boyfriend. The problem is his elderly mother. He has lived with her in her house for a decade! She runs his life! They share everything. They even have matching robes. They divide up household chores and expenses as if they are husband and wife. When I visit him in her home, I certainly feel like an interloper, trespassing on their relationship. She doesn’t like me and tries to undermine my relationship with her son at every turn. I can’t get through to him. He just doesn’t see the problem. I’ve broken up with him several times but it’s the sex that keeps me coming back for more. I just feel he has so much potential that he is wasting living this life style with his mother. To be perfectly honest, his lifestyle disgusts me. Can you help? Should I follow my friends’ advice and finally dump him?”

What To Do With A Mama’s Boy

This is my advice for her. Your mama’s boy is in a very intense situation. The biggest hurdle seems to be that he’s happy living with his mom. It sounds like whatever you do to change your behavior to make a difference; they both react in an effort to maintain the status quo. The bottom line here is he doesn’t want to change!

In my work, I talk a lot about looking at your relationship as a mirror of you. I think your best bet is to let this relationship go; but as you do so, acknowledge it as your creation so that you don’t have to create it again. When you can take this level of responsibility – honoring your relationship as a mirror of you and as something you created to learn from – then you’re in a much better space to create a healthier relationship next time.

The sex draws you back in because you two are now chemically attached. The “cuddle chemical,” oxytocin, is released in peoples’ systems when they make love and it contributes to the sense of attachment. Great sex by itself is evidence of good chemistry but NOT evidence that the relationship is meant to be or that the relationship will ultimately serve you somehow.

You Are Worthy Of Better Love

I think this relationship has served you in terms of letting you know that you don’t want this kind of dysfunction and that you are worthy of better love. I don’t think this man can detach himself enough from his mother to love you better. Not because he isn’t capable of growth but because he’s apparently content with her and their lifestyle.

Good luck! You don’t want to waste more years on anyone who can’t really love you back as a full fledged adult. Your friends’ advice is to leave this mama’s boy and get on with your life. If you choose to leave then leave it knowing you created this mama’s boy in your life with clarity that you do not want to do this again. Without that clarity, you will attract to you another mama’s boy in a different form.

These changes in your life take courage and a lot of self-love. The changes are 1) choosing to look at your relationship as a mirror of you; 2) treating it as something you created so that you know you can create better for yourself; and 3) leaving the relationship because you deserve better. You loving you is the best foundation for a healthy relationship because the more you love you, the more you attract people who can love you too.

You Deserve The Truth…Now!

Maryanne Comaroto — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 23:00:42 +0000

If it seems ridiculous to ask questions like “when do you want to know that the doctor about to operate on you has been drinking?” or “Would you like to spend four years in school only to find out you had been scammed?” – why aren’t we asking the “relationship equivalents” of these questions? These questions are no more ridiculous than some of the things we do – like getting into a relationship with someone who has no tools or relationship skills! Unless you want to find out the person you want to be in a relationship/are about to have sex with is already married, has two children and is never going to leave their family.

Or the person who has just told you they never want to be without you has said the same thing to five other people, or has an STD. Or the person you just moved in with never wants to get married/have children/is completely self-centered/has never had a successful relationship/possesses no skills when it comes to relationships and is not interested in personal growth whatsoever? Exactly when do you want to find these things out?

Happily Ever After?

I have definitely been a victim of low self-esteem and a believer in Happily Ever After (that is, believing with some “luck” I would fall into the right relationship), but eventually this thinking and belief system caught up with me. My relationship patterns were clear to everyone but me; I only knew I was unhappy, had tried everything I knew to make my relationships work (the focus of my life) by being more accommodating, prettier, sexier, indifferent, hard to get, or aggressive. Eventually, out of frustration, I actually started not to care at all. After my own very spectacular awakening to the “truth” of the way things are – I got down on my knees and prayed to whatever God, anything that would listen, this prayer:

Please show me the way!

It may seemed dramatic but this is how it happened for me – and I know (from speaking with many people) that I am not alone: relationship-or lack of it, really-brought me to my knees. My heart was broken (more than once) and fragile, and I was soul-sick and lost, despite all appearances. I didn’t know what was wrong or what to do, so I surrendered and prayed. That very day my life changed dramatically, forever. It was the end of suffering as I knew it. Someone or something outside myself would never again dictate my fate or happiness.

I have never suffered since!

Having An Open Heart

I feel deeply, of course, my heart is open. And I have still encountered heartache and pain. But that is FAR different from the suffering I was experiencing. My method allows me a daily opportunity to practice being internally referenced, to reach for the tools I have over these years turned into skills that have served me well. With vigilance and passion I cling to the truth of these teachings I was given, as I know the quality of my well-being and life depends on them! Along the way I have been given the privilege and honor of sharing these profound tools and truths with you.

If you love and care about yourself, and believe every moment of your life is precious, you will not consider wasting one moment hoping to find out, some day or down the road the answer to any such critical relationship questions! And that sooner, rather than later. I am going to assume you are interested, as I have been these many years working in the personal development industry, in what it takes to create success anywhere in life.

Creating Success

I have come to find these key ingredients to success: Know who you are and what you want, have a solid plan, acquire the necessary tools and turn them into skills. Cultivating adequate discipline, desire and commitment is also necessary to turn your heart’s desires, the relationship of your dreams, into reality! Only you hardly, if ever, hear that! Most of us learn or observe this relationship scenario: you meet someone, you fall in love (i.e. your heart races, knees go weak, can’t stop thinking of the person) and you live happily ever after.

Well in REAL life, (as opposed to reel life) this usually amounts to disappointment, loss, pain and shutting down our hearts after we repeat this pattern a few times: Look at marriage statistics and the rise in people living single lives. Not having a plan or skills is an increasingly poor choice of a way to attract and create a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship.

The Cleanse Yourself Diet

Maryanne Comaroto — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 17:00:33 +0000

What if I told you there is one diet to trump all diets – one that affects your emotional health, and not your waistline? One that will make you feel better without telling you what to eat or how to eat it – would you think it was too good to be true?

The diet I’m talking about isn’t one that’s related to food or exercise at all, but it will help build your self-esteem and miraculously make you feel better about who you are and what you have. Sound too good to be true? As I’ve said before, there’s no quick fix to create a healthy relationship with yourself or to cure all of your past ills, but there is a course of action you can take that will exponentially increase your self-health.

Are You Being Tricked?

Let me start with a story from my past. When I was younger, my girlfriends and I would spend many a summer day with our bodies slathered in Bain de Soliel (or baby oil if we couldn’t afford that), our faces buried in Cosmo or Vogue, ogling and studying our role models; the emaciated rich. Believing what we saw was real, closing the magazines feeling imperfect and fat yet determined to figure out how to get what they had. A life other than our own. It seemed possible. Why shouldn’t we trust what we saw? It was everywhere; skinny, happy, rich people who wore designer clothes and had passionate relationships.
Little did we know – or, perhaps, did we WANT to know – there was a group of people who had concocted it all, a select group of sleazy, greedy, very clever soul-sucking vampires who day in and day out preyed on people just like us.

At age 14, I put two and two together, and realized that every time I turned on the TV or opened a magazine, afterwards I felt bad about myself, however subtly. The net effect was, I was being hoodwinked or lured to believe I should be, better, cooler, prettier, skinner; something other than me. Interesting how some things never change. But I can – and here was the solution I came up with.

The Ultimate Cleanse:

The bad news may be that the soul suckers lured you in, they sold it, you bought it and you, too, are addicted to being externally referenced. The good news is: The jig is up. Yes, it’s all a big lie. But there is a cure and it’s as simple as, 1-2-3.

Turn off your idiot box (TV)
Don’t buy any more rags (trash or fashion magazines)
Stop paying attention to what other people are doing and focus on yourself!

Being internally referenced is the foundation for all my work. That, and a solid relationship with spirit and your inner divine guidance, and you are all set. You already have everything you need; you have been give the greatest gift of all and it’s staring you right in the face. YOU. Jim Rohn, a well-known motivational speaker, once gave me this advice: “Stop building someone else’s dream!” And I say to you, turn off the TV and shut out the media vultures. Stop taking the bait! Build your own dreams. I promise, you will be glad you did! Your own life is precious and very real. And you are indeed PERFECT as you are.

Try the ultimate cleanse for a month. You will feel better, be more focused, have more time, and be all that closer to turning your heart’s greatest desire into REALITY!

Getting Past The Fake On The Path To Self Actualization

Maryanne Comaroto — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 04:00:04 +0000

I was heading to my yoga class the other day, and on my way I realized my watch and the clock in the car were a full TEN minutes apart. This meant that if my watch was right I might be late – in which case I wondered if I should even bother going to class. I decided to go ahead anyway and when I arrived, say several people covertly dashing from their cars, which meant my watch was right. The sight of them all racing sent a reflexive primal release of adrenaline – Okay-okay, where’s my yoga mat… should I grab my purse or leave it in the trunk? Take it… duh. And okay, well, where ..? I headed for the studio like a restrained dart, careful not to appear desperate— it just wouldn’t be yogi-like.

And then out of nowhere, in sudden revolt, I stopped dead in my tracks and blurted out “I refuse-to rush-into a YO-GA class!” Which came out more like a declaration (and a surprise) rather than a blurt. A gal who had just come up on my heels slowed her pace slightly and whispered sweetly as she crept by, “You’re exactly right,” then purposefully slipped in front of me so she could get in the door first.

Thank God for Savasana – by then I had all but forgotten about the stampede, but chalking it up to another of life’s current conundrums just wasn’t going to cut it.

Life Without Fake?

I’ve recently discovered a new kind of fake. One that is hard to decipher. Once upon a time the cons were the cons, the preppies, the junkies, the snobs, the geeks, the jocks, the bullies, the hussies, and so on. You could spot these personas a mile away. Now the ego has gotten so divisive, and with the help of high tech it can hide behind a cacophony of smoke and mirrors galore.

Suddenly it’s a free-for-all. We’ve let it get to the point that, for many of us, as long as we say the right thing, it doesn’t matter what our behavior is. It does not matter that people are not who they say they are, as long as they get what they want. It’s become “the way it is.” We say we want to help, but what we don’t say is that we want to help ourselves. My current fantasy (not sexy but hey) is wondering what it, life, us, would be like in the absence of fake?

My guess is being in survival mode according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs drives most of us and is responsible for what compels most of our unconscious fake behavior. Apparently what the last fifty years has taught us is that fake is the new real; when we have the rent paid then comes safety; if we have any energy left over from playing the game of satisfying our psychological needs and if we are among the eccentric few who make time, the last is self-actualization. Peak, or what I prefer to call spiritual experiences, are reserved for folks who apparently have time on their hands or just don’t get it the necessity for all the rest.

Looking Inside Yourself

The bummer is that spirit is EXACTLY what we need right now. It’s our survival, old-brain, unconscious, dog-eat-dog, survival-of-the-fittest mentality that is killing us, or at least it’s trying to kill our spirit. So how do we deal? Take a deep, audible breath—ujjayi, kapalabhati, whatever—and for one precious moment, slow down. Look inside. (Oh, yeah, Great Relationships Begin Within, right?) Shift the focus.

I would rather spend my day in self-inquiry, any time, than be trampled by a rabid wanna-be yogini. Looks like that pyramid is doing a shirshasana—let’s flip it other-side up. Who knows, maybe Maslow was dyslexic?

Men Must Get Away From The Source Of Their Stress: That Means You

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 14:00:04 +0000

The other night on twitter I saw a “tweet” that encapsulated a man’s need to go to his cave when stressed out by relationship issues with his woman. With everything I have read that has explained the phenomenon to me, nothing has brought it home to me like this micro-post. It read, “Girls: Guys must get away from the source of their stress. When he’s in his ‘Nothing Box,’ he’s not mad, he’s simply de-stressing.” I’ve never heard of a man’s “nothing box” before but it is obviously the same thing as “the cave” reference that Dr. John Gray made popular two decades ago. I prefer “cave” because it sounds manly! The “nothing box” sounds like a diminishment of something that I have come to learn is very important to men.

When A Man Needs His Space

If the concept is new to you, let me explain it. However, new the concept is, it is a good bet you have experienced it! When a man and woman are in an argument, at some point the conversation breaks down because he has to get away. Whether he goes for a drive, picks up the newspaper and starts reading, or goes to his office or work room, the man needs space and he creates it. He creates it immediately without consulting you or asking your permission. Women tend to find this behavior dismissive and insulting.

The cave also looks like this – the man comes home at the end of his work day and he just isn’t interested in how your day went. He wants to sit back and relax. He wants the television or the newspaper or to disappear somewhere out of range. He doesn’t seem to want his woman’s company. That is not if she needs to talk. If she genuinely wants to sit quietly with him doing her own reading or watching TV, that’s great. However, he unwinds best without conversation and by creating space for himself.

As I write this, I have a chorus of women’s voices in my head screaming at me, “Don’t you dare justify this behavior in men!” Well, I apologize ladies; but, indeed, I am going to justify it. I can promise you this: if you will get on board with this phenomenon in men, your life and your relationship will improve.

Can A Man’s Need To Destress Make Your Relationship Better?

Joseph’s (my husband’s) and my podcast has given us the gift of talking with many high quality relationship experts this year. In fact, two of our early guests were Dan and Jennifer! The men who are out there writing and making a difference in relationships have consistently referred to how a man has to process his feelings on his own. They discuss the science of how men’s and women’s minds work differently. This has been very helpful because how our minds work goes back to prehistoric days when the differences sustained communities and saved lives.

For instance, have you noticed that when a man is driving in heavy traffic, he isn’t inclined to carry on lengthy, winding conversations with his woman? If you are in the middle of a conversation it will come to an abrupt end as the traffic gets all of his attention. This is because men are wired to protect. In situations where physical harm could occur, their focus becomes laser sharp on protecting. Conversation be damned! There have probably been countless arguments in the front seats of cars for decades because she was talking, his attention completely left her to focus on his driving, and she felt dismissed!

Over and over again, men who are relationship experts agree, men process their feelings on their own. It is hardwired into their chemistry and their physiology to separate themselves from the women they love when under stress with those women.

The Differences Between Men And Women

Women can talk for hours about everything they experience, think, and feel. Men cannot. It isn’t that they don’t want to. They can’t. Between Joseph and his men friends, they all know when one or more of them just can’t talk anymore. Between men it isn’t insulting for one or more of them to withdraw either physically, emotionally, or mentally when talking comes to the point of being overwhelming. Also, between Joseph and his men friends, the only thing they laugh at where their marriages are concerned is how they cannot keep up with their women’s talking and sharing.

Joseph and I talked about this quote, “Girls: Guys must get away from the source of their stress. When he’s in his ‘Nothing Box,’ he’s not mad, he’s simply de-stressing.” He said, “I know this sounds terrible, but it’s like dog training! You know how when training a dog, it tires the dog out because it forces the dog to think so much? Well, that’s how it is for men. We simply cannot keep up with our women when it comes to talking and sharing. It’s one reason we get angry about it. We cannot keep up with it and that causes us to feel shame. Once that shame button is switched on, the conversation is over.”

He went on to say that men are problem solvers. In all that talking, problems aren’t being solved. Therefore, all that talking is a source of stress. Eventually, the only way he can process the stress is to get away from it.

So how will a woman’s relationship improve when she accepts this masculine phenomenon? By accepting a man’s social and biological reality, she respects him. That respect of him translates into his love for her growing. Men adore women who respect them. It is as simple as that.

What I got so deeply out of that micro-post was this: it isn’t personal. When he goes to his cave, he is taking care of his needs. In a very real sense, it isn’t about me. Respecting his masculine process allows us both to relax and get back to the good stuff, living life together in love.

How Standing On Your Head Can Improve Your Love Life

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 01:15:45 +0000

This morning I was out in one of our flower beds pulling weeds. I ran across the cover of the septic tank, which brought back memories. A few years ago, we had problems with the septic system when my husband had to be out of town. Handling it myself, I called a septic repairman who was glad for the work. Some restructuring of the tank was necessary, resulting in juniper having to be severely cut and a new and improved cover installed. I like the new cover. Larger and broader, it gives me a ledge from which to work in the bed. You see, we live in the mountains of Western North Carolina where every house, yard, garden, and flower bed is built on the side of a hill.

So, I stood on the septic tank cover this morning, bent at the waste pulling weeds, where for all intents and purposes my upper body was upside down; when suddenly, I had an epiphany about the opposite sex and what makes them happy! It was so brilliant, I’m thinking of making a habit of standing on my head to discover just how much I can see from their perspective.

Letting A Man Do The Work

In order to share the epiphany, I have to divulge a secret. All my married life, I have resented the man in my life needing me to let him do things that I can do for myself. Independent and resourceful, I was born singing the song, “Anything you can do, I can do better! I can do anything better than you!” At the same time, when he’s out of town and I have to handle calling the septic repairman or the electrician or whatever, I resent it that he isn’t available to take care of it for me.

Now before you think, “What a b___!” Hear me out. This is a common phenomenon for women. That means, gentlemen (and the rare lady who hasn’t had this experience) you don’t have to take it personally. Besides, I believe I have discovered how to walk out of the problem.

When I was practically upside down an hour ago with my memories of the septic repair, I got on a feeling level the following words, “They want to help and it makes them happy. What’s the big deal about waiting till he’s around to ask for his help, when something that simple makes him so happy? Does anything short of a real emergency really need to be done immediately by me alone when inviting him into the solution of whatever needs to be fixed is so gratifying for him?”

Swallow That Pride And Ask For Help!

It was as if by hanging upside down, a switch got turned on – a really good one that holds the true promise of big rewards. Ladies, I cannot express enough how satisfying for him it is for a man to help you. And it is so simple. You just have to be willing to pause and ask for help. You just have to be willing to give up a little bit of control.

When you ask for his help, let him do it his way! Just because men and women tackle problems differently doesn’t make either one inferior or superior, wrong or right. If you are going to surrender and let him help, surrender all the way. He’ll adore you for it.

You might try standing on your head every once in awhile and just see if new perspectives that make life richer and fuller come your way. Do it naked and see how playful the transformation of your relationship can be!

How To End An Argument

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 20:36:24 +0000

I saw a card meant to end an argument between lovers. It carried the worst advice on the subject I’ve ever seen. It read, “Maybe if we both said we’re sorry…” Yikes! Tell someone who is angry with you that maybe you can both apologize and what happens? The resentment scale in the other person sky rockets!

How Not To End An Argument

So, one way to not end an argument is to suggest you can both apologize. Another way to not end an argument is to say, “I’m sorry,” through gritted teeth as if what you really want to say is, “You son-of-a-you-know-what, I could just tear you apart right now!” A lack of authenticity when offering an apology tends to make the other person feel spat upon. This isn’t good for moving the conversation forward into a more loving place.

Another way to not end an argument is to say the very thing that will escalate it to the next level. Sometimes this happens by accident. It is only after saying the thing that makes it worse you realize you knew all along not to say it. One way this has looked in our house is when I’m fuming because my feelings are hurt. It’s called passive aggression. It can happen when he has hurt my feelings. It can also happen when someone else has hurt my feelings but I know he can’t do anything to fix it, which means he’ll be irritated by a conversation about it.

When I fume he eventually says in a certain tone of voice, “What’s wrong?” On the surface, that tone sounds compassionate. But I’ve lived with him long enough to know there is a very slight edge to it that is clearly recognizable but easily overlooked by me. Without thinking, I will answer him and actually relax inside as if now we are getting somewhere. Wrong! With my answer, I have just confirmed that he was right and now he knows for certain that I am either mad at him or mad about something he cannot fix and that drives him crazy too. Escalation of hard feelings with confusing words that don’t help to follow!

Recently, I was fuming really loudly. Because it wasn’t about him but was about something he couldn’t fix, I took a risk. He asked what was wrong and at the end of my answer I stated, “…and that is the end of this conversation.” It sort of worked! While there was no escalation, he left the room. I had an appointment to keep, so I left. By the time we got back together later in the day, we had both processed our stuff around what had hurt my feelings and what he couldn’t fix. We were able to have a loving conversation about it.

How To Actually End An Argument

Now for some solid advice on how to end an argument: the trick is to shift from blame and resentment to appreciation and the sense memory of loving the other person. People get there different ways. You may have discovered what works for the two of you and so the real issue is why does it take so long to make the shift? Unless abuse is happening, if just one of you will make the shift to a softer, appreciative place, the energy will soften and get better for both of you.

Some people are able to get to a softer place with a touch. Some take a breath and some space and purposefully remember the love and the sweetness that usually exists between them. In the past, once my feelings were hurt, I used to see the other person as my enemy. Sounds extreme but it wasn’t like I said, privately or out loud, “He’s the enemy!” No, I just realized that was how I felt. With that understanding, I would remind myself during arguments that he isn’t the enemy. He is my husband, my lover, my friend and we’re going to get past this. Dealing with my own trust issues allows me to remember that I trust him and his love for me. That softens my energy, causing me to feel appreciation again with a sense memory of loving him, and everything improves. It improves because the very next time I speak to him, my tone and intention are softer and genuinely about love and reconnection. That authenticity makes all the difference!

Loving And Reconnecting

What I mean by “a sense memory of loving the other person” is when you get past the anger and resentment and genuinely soften, some place in your body responds. That response is a sense memory of your love for that person. Perhaps your legs relax. Maybe your belly softens and energetically expands. You might get a feeling in the center of your chest where you feel full and relaxed. Your head might tingle. Your jaw could relax and chills run up the back of your neck. Your arms might ache with a longing to take your lover into your embrace. It is a memory in your body that expresses your love and longing for this person.

Another way to work this trick for ending an argument is to understand and accept the differences between men and women. For instance, men are wired to fix it. When my husband wants to fix something he can’t fix in me and that frustrates him; at the very least, I can appreciate this about him and his masculinity. Doing that, I do not escalate the argument further by getting frustrated with his masculinity. Appreciating his masculinity, I might even open to the possibility he could really fix it. When that happens, “Glory Hallelujah,” the home team scores and we both win!

How to shift from blame and resentment to appreciation and the sense memory of loving the other person is a personal issue between two people. It takes experimentation and patience to discover how that works for you. You and your lover, the home team, are worth it!

Arguing And Fighting: How Can You Fix Someone Else? (Video)

Paul Carlson — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 01:05:43 +0000

Arguing and fighting – it’s part of every relationship, right? What happens when the arguing and fighting begins to be too much? What do you do when arguing and fighting seems to be all you and your partner are doing, instead of enjoying your relationship? How do you figure out whose fault it is? If it’s your partners’ fault, how do you fix them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I fight all the time and she’s always twisting things around to her side, keeping score, and she doesn’t seem to trust me. There are also several other issues that we need to resolve. Any advice on how to fix her and this relationship?

–Jacob, WA

Click here to view the embedded video.

Wake Up Call – It’s No One’s Fault And You Can’t Fix Other People

There’s the classic saying, “it takes two to tango” and it is especially appropriate for this topic. It takes two to argue and fight – it’s generally not just one person’s fault! The first step to beginning to ease the arguing is to stop placing blame and start looking within yourself instead of just pointing fingers at the other person. If you have to, sit down and really think about how you contribute to arguments as well as what your partner contributes – you’ll likely find that it’s an even divide between the two. Even if your partner does have some issues with arguing and fighting, you can’t “fix” someone else. You can only change yourself.

Does That Mean The Relationship Is Doomed?

Not at all! Men and women are definitely on different wavelengths – you know, the Mars and Venus thing. While a man may be “proving his point” logically, that probably won’t make any sense at all to a woman, because for a woman, the way she feels governs pretty much everything. Even if you are logically “right” (which is usually never the situation anyways), your female partner won’t see it that way because she still feels hurt, upset, frustrated, angry, etc., etc. How do you get past this particular hurdle in your relationship? When you argue with your partner, try to see things from her point of view. How would something you did or said make you feel? Yes, it’s time to get in touch with your emotions. It’s hard for a man, but try letting your emotions rule you for a day or so and you’ll feel what it’s like to be a woman. Similarly, your partner can do an exercise in trying to see things logically for a day or two – trying to forget about the emotional aspect of it and thinking more realistically. When you understand how men and women are different in that department, you’ll probably stop arguing destructively and fighting more constructively – you might even reach a resolution!

Do You Need Counseling?

Sometimes, a couple’s fighting and arguing habits have become so ingrained in them that it’s exceptionally difficult for each partner to step outside their “box” and see the situation from the other’s perspective. Counseling from an unbiased third party can really help with this. Don’t be ashamed from seeking counseling, or even reading books about the differences in men and women and how to argue constructively. If you truly care about your partner and about the relationship – and if your partner truly cares about you and the relationship – you’ll both be accepting and willing to take the steps you need to take to make your relationship healthy and happy again.

Long Distance Relationship – What Do I Do? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 14:04:53 +0000

Long distance relationships can be tough – especially if you’ve been together for awhile but have recently become long distance. What do you do when you have to choose between your current life or giving it all up to be with your partner?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I moved in with my boyfriend but missed my parents sooo much that I moved out to be closer to them. I hoped my boyfriend would join me, but it’s been 8 months and he’s still not here! I’m not sure what to do. Should I stay close to my parents or move back with my boyfriend?

–Jessica, NY

Click here to view the embedded video.

Cut The Cord

If your parents are playing a part in your long distance relationship – meaning, you haven’t moved to be with your partner because you’re afraid your parents might disapprove – it’s time to cut the cord. It’s important to separate what you want from what your parents want and decide what’s best for you – not what’s best for your parents. Take some time to really consider what you want out of your relationship and what you’re willing to do for it, aside from what your parents think or don’t think. It’s essential that you make this big life decision without their influence – it’s your life, remember?

Why Won’t They Move To Be With Me?

You might be questioning why your partner hasn’t moved to be with you or isn’t planning to – they may be content with the long distance relationship as is, or they may not be ready to move and leave their job and their current life. They also may be wanting to avoid letting you have the “power” when it comes to who will relocate to be with the other, or they may not want to be as involved with your parents. It’s important to sit down and discuss these issues with your partner, because if you don’t, nothing will get solved! If you’ve bought a house, or have secured a great career, it’s important to let your partner know about these things so they can decide how that weighs in with their job and their current living situation. Talk to your partner and go through several “mock” scenarios, talking about what would happen if you moved, or what would happen if they moved. You’re more likely to find a compromise if you and your partner talk things out together rather than just waiting for the other to start getting ready to move.

What Do You Want?

In the end, this situation is about what you want. It’s important to really think about your relationship and what you want out of it, as well as what you want out of life. Does your relationship satisfy you? Do you love the person you’re with? Or are you not sure whether this relationship is worth moving for? Ask yourself these questions to dig deep and really find out what you want, instead of letting it all slide by until you are forced to deal with the situation after it’s already become exacerbated.

If you’re really stuck trying to make a decision, talk to a therapist or someone else outside of the situation that can offer good, unbiased advice. Meanwhile, stay close to your partner through phone calls, emails, web chatting and web cams. If you’re planning on being with your partner eventually – regardless of who moves – it’s important to nurture your relationship and give and receive love in the meantime!

Break Up Confusion – Does She Really Want To Break Up With Me? (Video)

Paul Carlson — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 00:31:43 +0000

Mixed messages that people can give each other are frustrating and can really hurt a relationship. Your partner may be telling you they don’t deserve you, while still having a relationship with you, or may be sending you mixed signals in some other way. How do you read passed the mixed messages to find the truth at the heart of the matter?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend of two months keeps telling me that I can do better than her, that she doesn’t deserve me, etc. She has a two year old daughter and is going through a nasty divorce… I decided to pursue a relationship with her in spite of her current situation. But now I concerned. Deep down, does she really want to break up with me – and just wants me to do the dirty work? What’s up with all the mixed signals? Why does she keep saying these things?

–David, Rhode Island

Click here to view the embedded video.

Does She Want To Break Up?

Your partner may be sending you mixed messages because they want to break up with you, but it is more likely that your partner is sending you mixed signals because they themselves aren’t sure if they want to break up with you or not. This is actually a very common thing that women do – they often project what they can’t figure out on their own to others. Your partner may also be testing the waters. Is she saying that she doesn’t deserve you or you can do better than her? She might just want to see how you react to those words and whether you agree with her or not. These types of mixed messages are indeed frustrating, but there’s always something at the root of the problem.

Does She Have Some Past Emotional Problems?

In this particular case, a woman that says to her partner that they can “do better” or similar things, might be suffering from some deep down emotional issues that need to be talked out with a therapist. Is this type of self-destructive talk something that has been ingrained in her since childhood, or has she had a recent traumatic break up or divorce, or even perhaps a job loss? These types of situations can seriously wreak havoc on a woman’s emotional self esteem and she may really be feeling that she doesn’t deserve you or that you can, in fact, do better. If you feel that this might truly be the root of the problem, talk to your partner (gently) about possibly getting some counseling.

Is She Stringing You Along?

Your partner may also be stringing you along, goading you until you do the dirty work and break up with her instead of her having to do it herself. This is dirty – you definitely don’t want to be a part of that! Confront your partner in a non-judgmental way and ask them what’s going on that makes them think and feel this way about you. Open communication is the best way to figure out what is really going on. If she’s stringing you along, let her do the breaking up, especially if it’s obvious that that’s what she wants. Don’t forget though, if this is a situation that you don’t feel is healthy for you or you are uncomfortable with, you have the power to walk away.

Although mixed messages can really do some damage to your relationship, with open communication you can either work through them or realize that this wasn’t the right relationship for you – or your partner. Don’t be afraid to be honest without arguing or being critical of your partner. Just talk it out and see where it goes.

How To Love A Daddy’s Girl

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 01:00:24 +0000

If you are in a relationship with a daddy’s girl or if you are a daddy’s girl, you probably are already aware that this quality of “daddy’s girl” affects your relationship.

Different Kinds Of Daddy’s Girls

Traditionally, we think of daddy’s girls as being the women who were tom boys when they were young who have grown up to be successful in their jobs and careers. These women get things done. These daddy’s girls can be intimidating, which isn’t usually a positive trait in a relationship.

There are daddy’s girls who are submissive, almost servants to their husbands and children. They are at risk of being taken for granted by those they love best. Do you know what the number one result is of being submissive and long suffering? Resentment! This too isn’t a positive trait when it comes to relationships!

Another kind of daddy’s girl is the one who is still emotionally tied to her father. She cannot make a decision without his approval and she agrees with him that no man is good enough for his little girl! Because she compares every man she loves to her father, she never really gets to know the man who loves her back.

Can A Daddy’s Girl Love Herself?

I once read that a woman who is in touch with their femininity loves herself even more than she loves her man! This writer said the job of falling in love is up to the man because that has to do with masculine energy. A feminine woman is already in love with herself. The argument put forth made sense, so I won’t try to spell it out here. It had a lot to do with that singular quality that I argue is the sexiest quality of either a man or a woman and that is “confidence!” A woman in love with herself has confidence that radiates from her, making her attractive as well as interesting, mysterious, and lovable.

I bring up the woman who is in touch with her femininity because there is a type of daddy’s girl who masquerades as this woman. Daddy’s girls do not truly love themselves. Like all daddies’ girls, the ultra-feminine type searches outside herself for fulfillment. What starts out looking like the ideal woman who is happy to take care of all your needs eventually becomes needy and a drain.

I have to tell you, though, that the world is full of daddy’s girls. So, I suggest that instead of trying to avoid them, you learn how to love them. Here’s how.

Loving A Daddy’s Girl

The daddy’s girl modus operandi is to find fulfillment by taking care of her man. Again, you may ask, “Where’s the problem?” However, if you are a daddy’s girl or if you have lived with one, you already know what the problem is. When a woman looks outside herself for fulfillment, she can never be satisfied. For daddy’s girls, when she is looking for fulfillment through taking care of her man, resentment and disappointment invariably become a part of the relationship.

If you are a daddy’s girl, begin to practice not taking care of your man in all the ways you do it where you treat him like a little boy. Now, grown men need tender loving care too, but there is a huge difference between taking care of a man in ways men respond positively to and taking care of a man as if he is a boy who still needs a mama.

For instance, if he has agreed that something is his responsibility, do not take it over just because he isn’t handling it when and how you would. Leave it alone. Leave it for him to manage on his own time and in his own way.

Similarly, if he is disrespected out there in the world, don’t “poor baby” him. Listen to him, if he wants to process it. Pay attention to him for clues as to what he needs from you. But do not coo sympathetically over him as though he is a little boy (or little girl) who needs your sympathy, because he doesn’t. He needs your respect. Grown men do not soothe one another’s hurts the way women do. Women are wise to reach deep inside to show him extra respect rather than sympathy when life is hard on him.

Daddy’s Girls Can Find Fulfillment Within Themselves!

If you are a daddy’s girl, these kinds of small changes will stretch you. They will also free you when you know down to your bones that you are a beautiful grown woman in love with a handsome grown man and you can relate to each other as such! You will also gain more time on your hands to learn how to dig down deep to find fulfillment inside yourself.

If you love a daddy’s girl, your challenge is to let her know that you do not have to be treated like either a little boy or a father-figure in order for her to secure your love. There is a lot of pushing and pulling when you are with a daddy’s girl. She not only wants to take care of you, she has a belief that may be hidden from her consciousness that she will only find fulfillment in taking care of you. Add to this the confusion that taking care of you can look like anything from bullying you to complete submission from her!

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to keep turning her attention back on herself. Encourage her to leave you alone in those situations where she thinks she is taking care of you but it isn’t working for you. Reassure her that you love her and that you will not disappear if she takes on the luxury of finding her fulfillment from within rather than by trying to take care of you.

Daddy’s girls get things done and that can be an excellent quality. When they learn the work of finding fulfillment from within, everyone benefits from their satisfaction and growing self love!

The Cure For The Knock Down, Drag Out Fights That Threaten Your Relationship

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 01:01:09 +0000

Have you ever had one of those knock down, drag out fights where you knew when you opened your mouth to speak that you were going to wind up with raised voices, hurt feelings, and the belief that this argument would never be resolved? Chances are that the invitation to the fight came wrapped in a package that appeared innocent but turned out to be hiding anger that was just waiting to erupt; like a toxic bearing snake-in-a-can, blowing up in your face and wounding your heart.

What Causes Knock Down, Drag Out Fights?

There is a physiological reason for those kinds of fights that began the day you were born and dates all the way back to when humans first appeared on this planet. Before I tell you more, let me say that I owe a debt of gratitude to Dr. Patricia Love and Dr. Steven Stosny for writing the book, “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.” Their book was a big eye-opener for both my husband and me. I cannot recommend it highly enough! But now, let’s get back to the purpose of this article.

There is an innate difference between men and women that shows up in infants. Infant girls do not like lack of contact or isolation. They cannot tolerate it. As such, baby girls are experts in the art of eye contact and bonding rituals. It is a survival skill that keeps parents interested in them and their welfare. From birth through the rest of their lives, women are sensitive to the degree of separateness or closeness in all their relationships. It makes them sensitive to the consequences that will come if they do not behave well. It means that fear of abandonment is their biggest trigger.

Infant boys do not like sudden stimulation. They cannot tolerate it. They startle faster than girls and it takes less to startle them. Men are hard-wired for hyperarousal because of its great benefit in defeating predators. Throughout history, whether animal or human, our predators have been crafty stalkers and attackers. The hyperarousal of the males could mean the difference in whether an entire tribe flourished or was killed off. Because being over stimulated causes a cortisol dump that is quite painful to experience, even infant boys will protect themselves from it by avoiding direct eye-contact with their parents. Usually, this results in parents either turning their attention away from their baby boys or over stimulating them in order to hold the baby’s attention. That results in baby boys experiencing shame, which brings on a painful cortisol dump that takes hours to dissipate. It means that men avoid resolving conflicts with their women because those conversations so often mean hearing what he did wrong (in specific, excruciating detail), resulting in feeling shame and the pain of the cortisol dumps. It means that shame is a man’s biggest trigger.

Putting It All Together

In general, fear being a woman’s biggest trigger and shame a man’s isn’t a big deal. It is how we manage the fear and the shame that causes stress to a relationship, resulting in the knock down, drag out fights that deplete us of energy and threaten our love.

Here is the secret then to not only avoiding the knock down, drag out fights but communicating in a way that protects your weaknesses and builds on your strengths.

As a woman, if you are already feeling fear, you can bet he is already feeling shame. As a man, if you are already feeling shame, you can bet she is already feeling fear. This is true even if neither of you has spoken yet! If you can feel the feeling in yourself, something has occurred that is making each of you experience your biggest triggers; fear for her and shame for him.

Therefore, if you find you want to either confront your lover or run, do not say anything. Don’t speak. Breathe, even step away, and consider a time when you felt love and pride with your partner. As you consider a time when you felt the opposite of fear or shame with your lover, you will relax and feel a little better. You can then move towards each other without words or with fewer, softer words and move forward in a healthier frame of mind and heart.

Practice Makes Perfect

You can practice this with small things all the time, gaining expertise as you go! For those times when you cannot help yourself and you wind up in a knock down, drag out fight, you can still use this technique at the end to help you get back on track, repairing and healing the love that was momentarily, traumatically damaged.

And if you have children, especially infants, remember why your little boys avoid direct eye contact and mushy cuddling. While they are just trying to protect themselves, they actually need more touch and attention than little girls do. So be patient, hang in there with them, neither turning away nor insisting on your own way. Slowly but surely, their tolerance for attention will increase as they learn to trust that you will not shame them.

Men and women are complex, magnificent creatures! Understanding our physiological differences can help us take how we deal with each other a little less personally, giving us patience to learn how to deal with each other in more loving, supportive ways that speak to both sexes in the manner they best see and hear each other’s love.

How to Apologize Even When You Didn’t Mean To Cause A Problem: Couple’s Communication Counseling Verbatim

Laurie Weiss — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 13:50:09 +0000

If you’ve accidentally done something your partner is angry about, you may think you should be forgiven automatically, just because your intentions were good—or at least not malicious. Your partner may disagree.

Just admitting that you have done something is NOT the same thing as apologizing to your partner for your behavior. And just saying “I’m sorry” may not be enough either.

After a long conversation a couple I was working with sorted out the facts about a complicated disagreement. Although they now agreed on the facts, she was still angry with him.

They agreed to let me share this conversation because they hope you can learn from their experience.

The Conversation

She: I want an apology! I have valid information, a lot of the time, and I’m angry because you just don’t listen to me!

(He says nothing.)

She: Do agree with me?

He: (woodenly) Yes it’s true. I caused the problem because I didn’t have the information. You did tell me about it ahead of time. I didn’t listen to you. I don’t listen about other things too. I don’t read instructions. I don’t understand what’s going on, and I make mistakes.

She: (really angry) You don’t give a rat’s ass about what I’m talking about do you?

Me: (to him) Now she is back to telling you about her resentments. It’s because you haven’t apologized. You admitted that you caused the problem, but that’s not the same thing as apologizing.

He: I told her that I do it in other situations. It happens over and over again.

Me: Do you know what an apology is?

He: I thought I told her I made a mistake and that she’s right.

Me: You told her about what was going on in your mind. That isn’t an apology. It may be part of an apology. But you’ve left out any thing to do with her feelings about the problem you caused. You’re only talking about yourself.

Me: (to her). Isn’t that why you’re still angry?

She: Yeah, he never apologizes.

The Conversation Continues….

What Happens When Women Gossip About Their Men!

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 19:06:41 +0000

I cannot speak for what happens when men gossip about women. But when it comes to women gossiping about men, I have some experience on that one and have an insight to share that could make a difference in your personal happiness within your romantic relationship – even (or especially) if the romance seems to be waning!

What Gossip Really Does

When women gossip about their men, an energetic field of toxicity is created that, unless an intervention takes place, grows and expands with the ability to infect the romantic relationship of every woman participating in the conversation, even if they are only listening. Even when I overhear other women “bitching” about their men, or read it in print, if no one raises the bar on the level of conversation being had, I walk away irritated with any man who crosses my path!

Certainly, I can take responsibility for raising the bar. As a relationship coach, if I am in on the conversation, I demand of myself that I raise the bar. I raise the bar by inviting the women involved to take responsibility for what they are creating with their men. If I am the one processing my guy with my girlfriend, I do two things. First of all, I am clear about the period of time in which I am processing my feelings. During that time, the bar may be set pretty low as I am reacting to something said or done to me for which I feel like the victim. However, at some point I move into the second thing which is I take responsibility for having created it.

Processing Your Feelings

In addition, I only process my feelings about my guy with one or two close friends who take the same level of responsibility for creating their reality as I do mine. With other women friends, I monitor what I share because I respect the differences in our maturity levels. If I cannot trust a woman to be able to make the transition with me from victim mindset to taking responsibility for creating whatever it is I’m processing, I will not go there with her.

By now, you may have asked yourself why I equate “bitching” with gossiping. It is because whenever we are “bitching” about anything, we are stuck in the position of victim, making the other person totally at fault. It affects our perception and the things we choose to relate about the other person, things not necessarily true or fair. To the degree that the truth is not being shared, we give a representation meant to manipulate the hearer to our point of view, which means we are gossiping.

And therein lays the nugget of what I am talking about! To what extent do you or the women you know complain and rag on their men, putting themselves or each other in the role of victim, refusing to give it up and raise themselves to a more mature and responsible level? How many of your girlfriends do you trust to hang onto you as a friend if you dare suggest that the role of victim might be a role they should release?

Are You Making Yourself A Victim?….

I’m not talking about real victims here – victims of abuse and neglect. I’m talking about being the “victim” of his long working hours, his preoccupation with the sport of his choice, how he insists on relating to the children in his own way, how his belches are no longer cute, how the things you used to love about him now drive you nuts, etc.

For us females, let me make this announcement: men are different when they are courting us. They are more like us when they are courting us. They stop being like us once they have won us. This isn’t an insult. It is simply a reality. The happiest women in marriages and romantic relationships appreciate the differences between men and women and don’t waste time and energy gossiping or bitching about their men.

If you follow the Law of Attraction and draw the conclusion that we create our own reality; then, as a gender, we women have created a world where men are very different from us. Whether or not they are annoyingly different or deliciously different (as long as you are NOT being abused) is just a perception. And you have control over your own perceptions of your world – including how your fellow shows up in it!

3 Ways To Be An Unforgettable Boyfriend And Make Her Forget About Her Ex

Lee Jenkins, author Female Orgasm Black Book — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 01:23:20 +0000

There are women who got burned so badly by their previous relationships that they don’t want to venture out into the ‘unknown’ anymore. These women are jaded, cynical about love, and think sex is overrated. When a guy finds a hot girl, who just happened to be afflicted by the “man hate” syndrome, what does he do? A guy can either look the other way or pursue her despite the slim chance of breaking through the thick barrier of barb that she put up. Some women are really impossible to ignore, they are mesmerizing, even if they give out a haunted (and hunted) vibe, like they are always on the lookout for men who are just waiting to prey on their vulnerability and use them for selfish carnal pleasures.

What To Do When She’s Been Burned

The primary thing to consider is that no matter how badly you want to know, the story behind her heartbreak should be left alone. However, building her life back and possibly sharing a future with you are definitely things that concern you. Tread carefully. Be as unobtrusive as possible, but always be within her reach just in case she feels like talking. It is possible to keep a person company from afar, particularly if you have already told her that you’re just there if she needs you.

When you finally get her to open up, this is your chance to show her that you are way better than her ex.

Of course, you cannot promise a bed of roses, but there are certainly some things that you can do to prove to her that you, as a man, operate on a higher level than the guy who broke her heart.

1. Love Her Back

This seems like a daunting feat for those who don’t know how. Return her calls, be emotionally available, and tell her that while you may be busy most of the time, she is always in your thoughts. Basically, not taking a woman for granted is the best way to win her over. Ask her opinion about where to go and what to do during your date. Staying open and extremely considerate is very important, particularly during the time when she’s still learning to trust you.

2. Be a Gentleman

You know those simple things like opening the door for her or pulling the chair? Those gestures are not lost on her. Of course, you have to be consistent and make these gallant gestures a habit. Doing these only during your initial dates will make her think that the gestures are a put on.

3. Make Her Orgasm During Sex

No amount of gallantry, gift-giving and mushy loving could make her consider you as a constant in her life if she discovers that you are not sexually compatible. The ability to give her the time of her life in bed will catapult you from “boyfriend material” to “The One”. If she has told you that she thinks “sex is overrated” more than a couple of times, there’s a big chance that she has never experienced an orgasm in the past.

Even if she did experience sensational sex with her ex, your knowledge of how to make her orgasm will stack nicely with the fact that you are the most gallant, most considerate guy she has ever met; and this will erase all notions of her past loves.

Take just a minute to check out ‘The Female Orgasm Black Book’: “How To Give Her Mind Numbing, Leg Shaking Orgasms”

The Truth About What Makes Men So Alluring

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 13:03:05 +0000

Peter Roth, President of Warner Brothers Television, who is proud of their hit and hot television series “The Mentalist” had this to say about the lead character played by the handsome Aussie actor, Simon Baker, “I think there is perhaps nothing more attractive to women than a man who is able to listen and to quietly deduce the truth,” Roth says. He is absolutely right. Whenever my husband listens to me and, in our dialogue, reveals that he heard and saw me more clearly than I did, I fall more deeply in love with him. Frankly, it is a huge turn on!

What Is It About Them?

Gerard Butler has this talent on the big screen. What is most alluring about Gerard is his ability to look his leading lady in the eyes, stare deeply into her eyes, listen, and come away from the moment knowing, understanding, and loving her better. Whether it is as King Leonidas in the testosterone filled “300” or as Gerry in the ladies’ choice “PS I Love You,” he does this amazing listening thing with every leading lady. She gets his full attention with lots of direct eye contact! While it sets up incredible expectations for men in relationships, he is the perfect “chick flick” actor because of this quality!

Of course, on television and in the movies, stories that take place over a period of days, months, even years are condensed to fill one or two hours. Being that attentive in real life for one or two hours is asking a lot! One of the reasons for the therapist’s 50-minute hour is because even professionally trained listeners can only attentively listen for just so long! The idea that a woman could expect a man to be perfectly attentive at a moment’s notice, a good listener any time of day or night, and always appreciating her is pure fantasy. However, taking some time to experiment with your listening skills and how you report back what you have heard could prove to have a nice pay off.

Being Seen And Heard

Everyone loves to feel seen and heard. It makes us feel valued and loved. As such, Gerard and Simon can teach women the same thing about love. Listening deeply to your man can be a big turn on. However, I believe there is one significant difference between best listening skills for men and women. While a woman loves it when her man deeply listens to her, discovering truths about her, and gently reporting those, it may be true that men prefer deep listening without a lot of feedback.

Deep listening requires two senses, hearing and sight. As you listen to the words that are said, you also pay attention to the body language on display. Chances are we can all think of conversations that turned into heated arguments when his or her words gave permission to speak while body language clearly said leave it alone.

Really Listening….

Be Careful Your Independence Doesn’t Destroy Your Relationship

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 13:01:50 +0000

Andrea and Scott had been seeing each other exclusively for about four months. Andrea was ready to take the relationship to the next level. She wanted to live with Scott but neither of them had enough room in their respective apartments for the other to move in.

Andrea tried to lure the let’s-move-in-together conversation out of Scott to no avail. However, she had gotten him to share with her his dreams of the perfect house and then she went out looking for it!

Finding it, she rented it. Confident that making this house available to the two of them would turn the tide in her favor, Andrea could not wait to tell Scott her good news. The next time she saw him, she made her announcement.

“Scott, wait till you hear, I’ve rented a house! It is wonderful! It has three bedrooms and two baths. It has a charming little patio out back with room for a grill. The appliances are all brand new! Do you want to move in with me? It is exactly the kind of house we’ve talked about. I can have an office, you can have a workout room, and we can each have a bathroom if we want it that way! Um…Scott…what’s wrong?”

Scott quit making eye contact with Andrea. Feeling extremely uncomfortable, he knew that telling her he did not want to move in with her would mean risking a “relationship” conversation, where he would invariably find out his feelings about not wanting to take this step meant he had disappointed her.

He had never encouraged her in this way. He resented finding himself cornered and knew better than to agree to something he did not want at this time.

Finally, he said, “I’m happy for you with your new home. I can help you move, if you like.”

Andrea’s heart sank and her face fell, revealing all her disappointment and embarrassment. She felt rejected and feared the relationship was over.

This scenario and others like it seem to be the norm for romantic relationships these days. When I was growing up in the 1970’s, grade-school girls did not call boys. Boys called girls. If you wanted to hear from your favorite guy, you had to send the right signals while you were at school together and hope for the best.

Girls Chasing Boys is the Norm

Girls who called boys got reputations. By today’s standards that must seem naïve and innocent! These days, girls chasing boys is no big deal. Nevertheless, maybe it ought to be.

In the past thirty-five years, we have raised more daddy’s girls than ever before! We want our young women to be independent, action-oriented, and successful. We want them to be able to take care of themselves because in this uncertain world more women are taking care of not only themselves but also their children and their parents on their own.

Daddy’s girls traditionally have the moxie and personal power to make it in a man’s world. In addition, fathers do not have to be present for daddy’s girls to be created. Out of longing for or even out of resentment of a missing father, a little girl can be so bound to him that she cannot help but grow up her father’s daughter.