Ask Dan and Jennifer » relationship humor

Sex Advice From Tarzan and Jane (Relationship Humor)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 15:13:14 +0000

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh! … Tarzan, use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her private area, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, " What did you do that?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel.”

–unknown

If you have a good joke or humorous story about dating, love, or sex that you’d like to share with us, please Submit it Here and if it makes us laugh out loud, then we just may post it.

10 Tested Ways To Get Rid Of Your Irritating Girlfriend (Relationship Humor)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 23:03:21 +0000

We haven’t had a smile break in a while…

Here’s a really funny article that was recommended by one of our good friends at www.loverslawn.com.

"10 Tested Ways To Get Rid Of Your Irritating Girlfriend"

For an irritating girlfriend-free life follow these time-tested formula and you’ll be surprised to see how easy and relatively straightforward dumping an irritating ‘attachment’ can actually be!

1:) Make her wait for ages… when the dates are planned by her and, even worse when they are planned by you.

2:) Do not ever use a deodorant when you’re around her. Make it a point to munch on onions before you meet her.

3:) Attend as many calls as you can when she’s spending time with you… it helps if the one calling is you’re ex-girlfriend and it’s even better if it’s your ’supposedly’ intimate boyfriend.

4:) Be as GAY as you can!

5:) Make sure you invite her best friend every time you go out with her, and hit on her friend (doesn’t matter if it’s a guy or a girl) as shamelessly as you can. The drool-pot is a sure winner!

6:) Dress as horrendously as you possible can. Colour combinations are a strict NO-NO, unless you’re planning on doing a fluorescent orange and bright pink combo. Classic!

7:) Gorge yourself on food, hers, yours, her friend’s and make sure food spills out of your mouth every minute or so, during your lunch or dinner dates.

8:) BURP! As often and as loudly as you can. Gaseous emanations of other kinds are also sure ways to your ultimate triumph!

9:) Make sure she realises you’re not busy, but pretend to be as busy as you can possibly be when she’s around… she’ll get the hint… or even better, pair it up with being a schedule freak.

10:) Pretend you have a serious crotch infection, or a fetish or an obsession for everything down under!

Relationship Humor – International Symbol of Marriage

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 02 Apr 2007 15:33:56 +0000

International symbol of marriage is Approved by the UN

New York AP- April 21, 2005: After 5 months of heated debate, the Commission on Human Rights of the United Nations approved the new International Symbol of Marriage.

What Does Your Drink Say About YOU?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 22:15:30 +0000

Before you order a drink in public or try figure out how to approach that really hot girl, you should read this!

It was forwarded to me in an email today.

It’s funny, but pay attention… There just may be some truth to it.

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could ‘nail’ a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

Check out the results.

PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her If she’s interested, she’ll send YOU a drink………

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however,
be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila No explanations required – everyone just KNOWS what happens there…

PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!

THEN, there is the MALE addendum — The deal with guys is, as always, very
simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He’s gay

Code Word for Sex (Relationship Humor)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 17 Mar 2007 02:00:29 +0000

We hope this brings a smile to your face…

Code Word for Sex

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Here’s How to Make the Transition from Friends to More Than Friends a Little Easier

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 16:00:00 +0000

The Question

I’ve recently had feelings for this girl and it turns out she’s had feelings for me as well.

We’ve been friends with each other for years but there’s always been something more there.

She told me that she had liked me more than a friend in the past and she does presently, and it’s the same story with me.

A few days ago we kissed for the first time after we had been out with a group of friends but were alone at the time. From that point on I considered us to be "official" and that’s also what she said to me after the kiss.

However, just two days later she sent me a text message saying "I can’t do this, I just can’t right now."

She has been messed around by boyfriends in the past and treated particularly badly by her previous boyfriend. I’m afraid this has something to do with it.

I really want to make it happen with this girl. Any ideas?????

So what would you do in this situation?

Force the issue and tell her to get over it or maybe sit back and wait for her indefinitely?

Here’s what I would do in the same situation.

The Answer

It sounds like she’s a little "gun shy" and who can blame her. Give her time and show her that you’re not like her previous boyfriends. She may just be really nervous about crossing the "dating" line and taking the risk of losing you as a friend.

Talk to her.

Tell her openly and honestly how you feel without putting any pressure on her. Let her know that you’re there for her regardless of whether or not she’s your girlfriend or just your friend. Whether your relationship with her is labeled as "romantic" or not, it sounds like you have a good relationship, one worth keeping. Too many people let their hormones drive their intellect and ruin a perfectly good relationship – don’t be one of those.

If she just wants to keep you as a friend, it doesn’t mean that she’s rejecting you as a person. It simply means that she’s not ready for a romantic relationship and doesn’t want to date you right now. So many men get angry over this situation because they take it personally, but most likely it has nothing to do with you – she’s already told you that she’s attracted to you.

Ask yourself why you want to take the relationship to the next level.

…

Gone Fishing (Relationship Humor)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 14:19:27 +0000

"Gone Fishing"

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s**t?"