Ask Dan and Jennifer » relationship problem

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Is How Men Spell Love

Sarah Elizabeth Malinak — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 00:00:18 +0000

I got a phone call this week from a woman whose relationship was falling apart. It had been fading for a long time and likely didn’t have the potential to be re-birthed. She wanted a magic cure for it. I worked with her from her perspective of trying to save it and towards the end of an hour long conversation, we got to the nuts and bolts of what had likely gone wrong; which was also the thing that could bring the relationship back to life.

Losing All Respect

What had gone wrong was within a couple of years of their relationship, she stopped respecting her man. When you stop respecting someone, there is no neutral. No respect results in words and behavior that communicate disrespect. Disrespect from his woman will tear at a man’s love for her. If they don’t catch the problem and fix it, that disrespect will ruin the relationship.

As I coached her to share respect in verbal and physical ways, I faced a challenge I always face whenever I have this conversation with a disrespecting woman. I said to her, “Men are just fine as they are. They don’t need to be fixed or improved. The way they are, the way they handle themselves, is perfectly fine.”

She interrupted me at that point and said, “For them,” meaning men are only perfectly fine just the way they are in the company of other men but not in the company of women. There is the rub. There is the relationship disrespect that makes a man walk away. It is subtle and insidious. Nothing says “I love and adore you,” to a man quite like verbalizing and showing your respect of him. Remember or imagine what it is or would be like when your fellow says, “I love and adore you!” It nurtures you, feeds you, and improves the relationship. In the exact same way, that is how a man experiences the words, “I respect you.”

How To Express Your Respect

I have to be honest, though. It isn’t easy for a woman to express her respect for a man either verbally or through her actions. I don’t know why it isn’t easy. It does seem to be a universal challenge for women. I imagine the answer to why is multi-dimensional and multi-generational. But at the end of the day, “why” doesn’t matter. This is a relationship problem that behavior modification can solve. It takes discipline but is quite simple. Whenever you find yourself respecting or admiring him for anything, no matter how small or big a deal it is, tell him so. It may feel awkward and uncomfortable. You may choke on the words, but say it. You’re not the only person in the room and I can tell you from experience, he will not experience your discomfort. Rather, he will feel seen, heard, appreciated, and deeply loved. Those are results that make the discomfort worthwhile!

Show him you love him. When your best girlfriend shares an interest with you that you could care less about, you don’t dismiss her or tune her out. But we tend to roll our eyes and huff and puff when the men we love request our attention for something they’re interested in that we are not. Stop those eyes from rolling, focus on him and give him your full attention. He will feel respected and he’ll adore you for it. This isn’t about becoming “perfect respecters.” Relationships can’t be perfect. Life and relationships are messy on this planet. The thing is there are ways to make life and relationships more fun and fulfilling. Women respecting men and men loving women are key ingredients to the recipe of making life and relationships yummy!

Relationship Suck? Need Counseling? Read this first! (Video)

Paul Carlson — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 14:28:14 +0000

Sometimes, we have problems that we just can’t fix on our own.

Whether they’re relationship problems, sex problems or even behavioral problems and problems from our pasts, we don’t have the resources or the knowledge we need to right ourselves, no matter how hard we try!

Therapy can work wonders, but where do you start? There are hundreds and hundreds of different types of therapy available to you. How do you know which one is right for you?

What is the difference between the various types of couples counseling that’s available? (traditional counselor, hypnotherapy, alternative treatments, etc)

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Treating the problem chemically.

…

Help! I’m Pregnant and He Wants Me to Choose Him or the Baby! (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 22 May 2008 14:15:08 +0000

" It’s me or the baby!"

Believe it or not, many women are faced with the need to choose between a man or a baby, and it’s a tough decision.

It involves weighing all the possible outcomes of each scenario as well as moral beliefs and what you actually want.

If you find yourself in this situation, the decision is one that only you can make for yourself.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hi, I am 26 and my partner is 46. We have been together on and off for 3 years. I am only his second relationship and he says he has steered clear from relationships because he didn’t want children.

He does not like them and despises the fact he would be financially responsible for the next 18 years. I have a 5 year old son and he gets on great with him so I cannot understand why he doesn’t want his own.

This has always been okay until I find out I am 6 weeks pregnant. He wants me to choose between him and the baby and said I can’t have both. I want this child. Do you think a man will change his mind once his child is here? Surely he will have some kind of feeling won’t he? Or am I faced with being a single parent?

- Emma, United Kingdom

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A Very Difficult Choice

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How to Recover From an Emotional Hangover and Create a Healthy Relationship (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 13 May 2008 14:24:42 +0000

Whether you’ve been in a bad relationship, have been cheated on or even been abused, it is possible for you to carry the emotional baggage with you even once the situation itself has passed.

Women especially are vulnerable to emotional hangovers and can let bad experiences affect them continually, even in new relationships.

Unfortunately, until you get a grip on your emotions, you’re slowly going to poison any relationship that you have.

You need to break the patterns in order to move on.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Hello, I read your article on the free library and it connected with me. I am very insecure to the extent I am destroying my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating now for almost 3 yrs. He has been sincere but I somehow still manage to not having any faith in him. My ex’s cheated on me and my boyfriend says I am carrying it over into our relationship.

I hate the fact that I am becoming such a monster, that I can’t control my thoughts and that I am loosing the man I want as a husband. We want to start 2008 fresh.

How does one ‘let go and let things be?’ How can I solve my problems? How can I clear my head and heart out and move forward? Where do I start and what should I do? Please help.

- Ulrika, South Africa

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Recognition

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The Relationship Secret – How to Use the Law of Attraction in Your Relationships (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 13:45:51 +0000

The Biggest Law of Attraction Relationship Mistake

One of the biggest mistakes that we see people, and couples, make when applying the Law of Attraction is trying to change their partner.

Read this next line at least 3 times!

"You CANNOT use the Law of Attraction to change another person, how they behave, or how they feel about you or anything else."

We get so many questions asking "How can I use the Law of Attraction to make my ex love me again?" or "How can I use the Law of Attraction to make my husband/wife show me more respect?", etc…

Sorry to tell you this, but you can’t. Period!

The only person on this earth that you have any control over is YOU. Sure, you may think you have control because your partner temporarily agrees to act in a way that you approve of, but you should recognize that he or she can change their mind at any time and start acting in a completely different way – without your approval!

This may be hard to accept, but the sooner you do, the more smoothly all of your relationships will flow.

The Wrong Way to Use The Law of Attraction in Your Relationships

First of all… Stop trying to change your partner and accept them for who they are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying to allow your partner to walk all over you and disrespect you, but at the core, accept them for who they are. If your man doesn’t like shopping all day at the mall, respect that and stop begging him to go. Find someone to go with that actually enjoys shopping. If your woman doesn’t like sports, stop dragging her to the local tavern every Sunday and look at it as a time to spend time with your friends. Ladies, you need to accept this as well.

This is where many of us get confused…

Being in a relationship does not mean that you have to like ALL of the same things and agree on EVERY topic. But for some reason, this is where the most people make mistakes with the Law of Attraction – they want to use it to "fix" their partner. It simply doesn’t work that way.

Identify It

The correct way to use the Law of Attraction in your relationship is

Relationship Advice for a Desperate Man: Do ALL Women Want Kids? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 15:53:19 +0000

Many men find themselves frustrated with dating and understanding women…

This is compounded if he doesn’t want to have children because many men assume that ALL women want to have children. It even seems that many women use the topic of ‘kids’ in the early stages of the relationship to test how serious a man is about their relationship.

So if you’re a man, who does not want children, how are you supposed to have any chance at a long term relationship? As soon as you say "I don’t want children", the friction begins and the relationship ends soon there after.

Should You Avoid Long Term Relationships All Together?

If you’re still young, say less than 30, you may actually change your mind as you get older. So saying very adamantly, that you never, ever, want kids is not only harsh, but possibly untrue. How can you possibly know how you’ll feel in the next 5-10 years? You can’t!

If you are however, absolutely certain that you never, ever, want kids, then what is the best way to approach this problem with your new girlfriend?

Absolutes are never a good idea, not in life, and especially not in relationships. Rather than telling her "Never ever, no way in hell!", try a more subtle and less offensive approach, like "At this point in my life I don’t believe that I want children". Don’t lead her to believe that you’ll change your mind, but there’s no need to be so FIRM either.

After all, the only thing you can possibly know for sure is that you don’t want kids NOW, and you don’t want kids in the near future.

Do ALL Women Really Want Children?

You see, it’s not that all women ‘want’ children, but society teaches them form day one that they ’should’ want children and there must be something wrong with them if they don’t. Hopefully that’s changing as we mature and evolve as a society…

There is a very good chance that you will meet a woman who also does not want children. There are fewer women who feel this way, but they are definitely out there. A woman typically doesn’t make this decision until she’s a little older and these women tend to be the more driven and career minded. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her decision, and she’d be thrilled to know that she’s not the only person in the world who doesn’t want children.

There are also many women who, for one reason or another, are unable to have children. I’m not talking about the adoption crazed mommy wanna-be’s, but the women who have come to terms with their situation and are actually OK with it.

One other point that is important to remember is…

Relationship Problem – Fighting Like Wild Animals?

Melody Brooke — Wed, 23 May 2007 16:16:48 +0000

Standing in Quick Sand

How many times have you found yourself in a discussion with your partner that suddenly turned sour and you don’t really know how you got there? You’ve said or done something that set them off and you are not sure how it happened, it’s just that suddenly you are standing in quick sand and sinking deeper by the second. Now, of course, you want to dig yourself out, but everything you try just pulls you in deeper. At this point your heart is racing, you are sweating and unsure of what to say or do. Your partner is behaving like a wounded animal and you don’t have a clue how to fix it. Sound familiar?

Well, it should sound familiar because we all do it. We all have times when our communications do go as we intend and we find ourselves battling a battle that we don’t understand. We don’t know what started it and we sure as heck don’t know how to stop it. Sometimes divorces result from just such interactions!

All of us have our moments. All of us have certain things that set us into a survival mode that leaves us feeling isolated, terrified, angry, hurt, or just plain depressed. This survival mode feels personal, as if our partners deliberately intend to wound us in our most sensitive places. Momentarily our partners may lose sight of who we are and, yes, say or do something to deliberately hurt us, but unless our partner is a psychopath, they don’t go into the conversation with the intention of hurting us. So why is it we so often find ourselves in the quick sand?

Human beings are animals. We have an old part of our brain (old in the evolutionary sense) that reacts in a primitive manner to any hint of perceived threat. We can’t really help it; our reactions are part of our brain function. The more insecure we feel in a relationship, and the more important that relationship is to us, the more likely we are to be triggered into this primitive reactivity. The set of behaviors triggered by our brain chemistry are pre-programmed into us from our ancestry to increase our chances of survival in the wild.

Lauren and Stan had been married for over 20 years, yet they had never established trust. Their “old brain” was still behaving as if their partner were a threat to them. Lauren’s mother was depressed and her father was an angry, frustrated man who raged at and physically abused his children. As a result, any time Stan expressed his frustration with anything that Lauren did, she accused him of being abusive. She shamed him and withheld sex from him. She believed herself to be protecting her children. Her old brain kicked in and she went into what I now call “Self-Protector” mode. Her attacks threw Stan into his own “Self-Protector” mode. She would snap at him…

How Can I Convince Her That A Long Distance Relationship Can Work? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 10 May 2007 23:30:53 +0000

What do you do when you meet the perfect girl in college, but then you both graduate and your jobs take you to different cities?

Can a long distance relationship work? We believe that it can under the right circumstances.

What if SHE doesn’t think it can? How do you convince her? This one’s a little more tricky…

Here’s a great question from a guy in this very predicament.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have known my girlfriend for about 2.5 years and we have been dating for 2 years. We met in college and both graduated in December We knew that we would live in separate cities in October. she adamantly stated at the time that she WOULD NOT and COULD NOT do a long distance relationship

But, because we both love each other, we stayed together anyway…

We have been living apart for 3 months now and have seen each other just about every other weekend. When we are together, we are both very happy. If you were to judge our relationship based on the weekends we spend together, it would be very healthy, but she seems to let the physical separation affect her opinion about our relationship…she still holds the mindset that long distance relationships do not work.

She tells me that she is extremely lonely during the week and needs human contact.

This long distance relationship is getting to be very difficult. I do think that our relationship would be very solid if we were living in the same city. We are each other’s best friends and have talked about marriage in the future.

What can we do to make sure our relationship lasts? I would also like her to change her negative attitude about the physical separation and have her maybe just consider moving to my second job location. Any advice would be appreciated!

Thanks!

– John

Watch this short video for the answer…

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Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts - leave a comment below.

How to Tell Your Partner Anything and Live to Tell About It

Melody Brooke — Sat, 21 Apr 2007 13:16:36 +0000

Do you have things that you don’t tell you partner because you’re afraid of how they’ll react? Is it easier to avoid the conversation than to deal with their response?

Do you know that your lack of communication is actually hurting your relationship rather than helping it?

Here’s great article from featured author, Melody Brooke that will help you better understand how to have even the most difficult conversation with your partner and how having these conversations can actually help your relationship grow even stronger.

Oh, No, I Could Never Tell Him That!

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

It took me many years to figure out that my way of communicating was a disaster. I was so paranoid of telling my partner things that would upset him that I had very few things that I could actually say to him. Even when I got over the paranoia, I still found myself not always telling him things.

By choosing to limit what I was telling my partner, I was controlling him. I chose not to tell him certain things because I was afraid of his reaction. I didn’t want to displease him or anger him, so I just didn’t tell him things that I feared would cause those reactions.

For years I was convinced behavior I labeled as “controlling” was a “bad” thing. It would make upset me terribly to have someone tell me what to do or to command me to behave in a certain way. I would be triggered into feeling trapped, angry and resentful. Yet I never realized that my own lack of communication was really the same thing!

The decision making process is key to understanding why we communicate the way we do. If our decision-making is based on fear or control, we are in for trouble. The trick is; how do we recognize our motivations? To know what our motivations are, we have to be connected with our own feelings. We have to be able to name them, and we have to be able to recognize how they are affecting us, and our communications.

The funny thing is that many of us are keenly aware of what other people are feeling (or what we think they are feeling) and yet clueless about what we are feeling. What I have learned over the years is that the same thing motivates all of us: survival. On a brain level we are driven to do that which will help us survive in whatever circumstance we find ourselves.

Rarely in this day and age are those feelings based on actual physical survival, but rather they are based on the survival of our well being. When we feel our well being is threatened in any way, we will be thrown into a survival mode that is as old as life itself. We can’t help it, its automatic. It doesn’t matter how mature we are, if we are put in the right (or wrong) circumstance we will behave in ways we end up regretting and we may even be confused as to why we found ourselves reacting that way.

This brain response limits our choices. When we are in this kind of reactivity our bodies go into what is known as “fight or flight” response. Telling my partner something I feared would make him angry sent me into “flight”. For me, that meant shutting up, holding back, and not speaking my whole truth. As a result I often ended up lying to him through lies of omission. I didn’t think of it that way, in fact, I rarely thought about it because it was automatic.

Once I recognized that pattern I was able to start speaking my truth to him. Scary though it was, it dramatically improved the quality of our relationship…

What Does it Really Mean When Your Partner Cheats?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 23:59:15 +0000

Why do people who seem to be in a perfectly happy relationship cheat on their partner?

How could they even consider loving another when they already have it so good?

While it may seem easy to simply call them an idiot and immoral, there’s more to it than that.

Cheating is the symptom, not the cause…

Relationships today are based on ownership and possession – partners feeling like they own their spouses and try to control their every move.

What if we all came from a place of unconditional love and acceptance?

What if we stopped confusing sex for love – they are not the same thing. You can have sex with someone that you do not love and you can love someone that you do not have sex with. Wouldn’t you agree?

So if that’s true, what is cheating?

It’s a breaking of trust. While trust is vital to a happy relationship, it may not necessarily mean that your partner doesn’t love you or that they love another. If you focus on having an open and trusting relationship where there’s no fear and no judgment, it’s very unlikely that your partner will cheat. Of course you both have to agree to this path. Trusting your partner completely and sharing everything while they don’t reciprocate is simply foolish.

My recommendation for ending cheating in a relationship is to talk openly and honestly to one another without anger, fear, or judgment. When a person cheats, they are typically looking for something that they feel is missing is their relationship with their partner.

If you can truly talk to each other about everything – including the fact that your partner is sexually attracted to another person, then you have complete trust in your relationship and the need for cheating disappears.

If you want to find out for certain, right now, if your partner is cheating on you, download How To Catch Your Cheating Lover today.

Sex, What’s That? I’m Married!

Melody Brooke — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 23:43:28 +0000

Have you ever wondered why sex seems to disappear when you get married? Is it complacency? Is it laziness?

Sex, What’s That? I’m Married!

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

It’s not a joke; most married men I know claim to have less sex than they did when they were single. This seems to be confirmed by the Durex Survey (2001), since couples living together claim to have sex 146 times per year, while married couples make love only 98 times per year. Yet going from roughly three times a week to two hardly seems to justify the statement. But why is it that simply being married reduces the number of times we choose to enjoy each other’s bodies?

After working with couples for over the past nearly 20 years, and going through my own set of divorces, I have come to the conclusion that marital dissatisfaction and a lack of sexual intimacy go hand in hand. Men feel it as a lack of sex; women feel it as a lack of emotional connectivity. But both feel it as something lacking in the relationship. Men tend to blame their wives for being disinterested or lacking in sexual drive, and women tend to blame their husbands for not having a good emotional I.Q. Yet both are unhappy. Hmm. The thing that seems to be consistent is that they each blame each other.

Blame is an old survival mechanism left over from our years as cavemen. We needed to know who was to blame for things in order to survive our harsh environment. This is not something we need to hang on to in our modern society. The assignment of blame acts as a tool to focus our actions and provides us with clear understanding of what to do next. But it also distances us from those we love. Our old brain, our mammalian primitive brain stem tells us that the one we blame is threatening our survival. This does not make us want to make love to them. It makes us want to protect ourselves, in other words, distance ourselves from that person.

Blaming each other and feeling like a victim of the other’s behavior, in my experience tends to lead to divorce. Yet somehow, this is the behavior of choice. What might happen if both partners actually took ownership of the situation and decided that they are both responsible for the lack of sexual and emotional intimacy?

If we can understand that our old brain is in gear when we are in a blaming stance, then maybe we could make a different choice. When we can recognize that we are blaming our partner for something, be it lack of sex or lack of emotional connection, it would behoove us to take ownership of our own part in the problem. We may not be sure what it is; but rest assured you have as much a part in the problem as your mate.

The alternative is to begin to explore what is in the way of the thing that you want. Let your partner know that you want things to be different and that you recognize that you have not made it easy for the two of you to have what you want. Simply admitting that you recognize that you have a part in the problem will take your partner out of defensive mode and improve your communication.

This is hard for people who…

How to Deal With Feelings of Jealousy and Insecurity About Past Relationships

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 13:12:03 +0000

Unless you are in your very first relationship with someone who’s in their very first relationship, you’re going to have to deal with your feelings and your partner’s feelings about previous relationships. Most of us get to this stage before we’re out of high school, but no one has bothered to tell us how to deal with the vast array of emotions that surface because of these previous relationships.

What happens when these feelings are negative and self destructive?

First serious relationship or tenth serious relationship, feelings of jealousy and insecurity can cause a lot of stress. These are feelings of wanting to control the other person. We all want to subtly, and some times directly, control other people – our friends, our parents, our boyfriends, our co-workers. We want to make them do, act, and say the things that we feel is best.

How to Deal With Jealousy and Insecurity

The easiest solution is to try to let go and understand that you simply can’t control another person. You can love them, and they can love you, but you simply cannot ever control them and make them act the way you want them to. This is an illusion that has shattered countless relationships.

One of the biggest underlying problems troubling relationships today is that people feel like they "own" their partner. This is the real reason behind fear, anger, jealousy, insecurity, and similar types of feelings. The best thing to do is to just allow other people to be themselves and love them for who they are and not who you want them to be.

Jealousy and Insecurity About Past Relationships

It doesn’t matter who he or she has been with before. It’s those decisions and those relationships that have made your partner the person you’re in love with today. In the same respect, it’s your experiences, or lack of experiences that make you the person that your partner loves today.

Live your lives together, enjoy each other today, and be happy on your journey together.

Top 10 Signs of a Cheating Man

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 02:25:40 +0000

Ladies, you know in your heart if your man is cheating on you. You can feel it…

Maybe you’ve suspected for a while that things aren’t quite right in your relationship and you’re worried that maybe he’s stepping out on you, but you just can’t put your finger on exactly what’s bugging you.

Well, here are some concrete signs to watch out for if you think he may be unfaithful…

Top 10 Signs of a Cheating Man

From http://www.WomanSavers.com

A cheating man can only hide his cheating ways for so long before he gets caught. The longer a man cheats, the higher probability he will get caught. In this busy day and age, it is difficult to carry on more than one relationship. However, with inventions like the internet, accessibility to willing partners has become easier than ever. There are various ways of how to tell if your man is cheating. We have listed the top 10 signs of a cheating man below. How to know if your man is cheating? If your man exhibits any of the below, it may be time to take a closer look.

1. Spends less time with you.

A cheating man must use the excuse of working long hours, extra meetings and dinners or other unexplained functions so he will have time with his “other” woman.

2. Isn’t as affectionate any more.

Your sex life in almost non-existent because of his other commitments. He doesn’t want to cuddle, watch a movie, hold hands or do many of the touchy things he used to.

3. He changes his physical appearance.

A cheating man usually starts buying new clothes, gets a new hair style or begins working out because he wants to be attractive to the other woman in his life besides you.

4. Car changes.

The passenger seat in the car has been moved or there is an unknown hair on the car seat. Perhaps the radio station is on an irregular station because that’s what she likes.

5. Change in temperament.

A cheating man becomes more short-tempered because of the guilty feelings as a result of the infidelity. Things that usually did not bother them suddenly start bothering them…

Top 10 Signs She May Be Cheating On You

Dan and Jennifer — Sun, 01 Apr 2007 22:45:44 +0000

You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you what your heart doesn’t want to hear.

That feeling that tells you she may be cheating on you.

Things just don’t feel right with your relationship and you’re worried that maybe she’s stepping out on you, but you just can’t put your finger on exactly what’s bugging you.

Well, here are some concrete signs to watch out for if you think she may be unfaithful…

Top 10 Signs She’s Cheating

by Shawn Croft for AskMen.com

No man likes to discover that his girlfriend has set her eyes on another chump. What is even more heart shattering is the discovery that she has already done the unimaginable and cheated on you.

Here are some signs that she might have taken a roll in another man’s hay bale. But before you start suspecting your girlfriend or accusing your wife of cheating, remember that these are just signs. Ultimately, you should trust your instincts.

You must also be on the look out for combinations of these cheating signs for a more definitive indication of trouble. Lastly, there is the chance, however slight, that she is actually doing some of these things to provoke jealousy or to attract you , so be careful, be wise and, most importantly, be smart.

1. Scent of another man

Scent is a very important sign of cheating girlfriend, but if she suddenly starts wearing a new fragrance, the alarm bells need not sound off. She might be simply trying to spice things up in your relationship. Going off the deep end too soon could damage your love life — permanently. However, if you smell another man’s cologne on her clothes, hands or neck, then she may be planting her lips where she shouldn’t. Watch out.

2. She doesn’t criticize you anymore

There was a time when she cared about what you did or said, in fact, she used to hound you about those type of things. Now, it seems that she couldn’t care less if you were dead or alive and concern about your habits, good and bad, have retreated to the recesses of her mind. She might have simply given up on trying to convert you or she finally accepted your faults, but she could have just as easily met someone else who does not have your faults and bad qualities.

3. You caught her in a lie

Catching her in a flat-out lie is a key sign that she is cheating on you or doing something wicked. When you discover that the person you’re supposed to trust has been lying to you, your feelings will surely run the gamut — from anger to rage, and from frustration to sadness. But keep this in mind: if men are stuck with the "once a liar, always a liar" lyric, the same stigma can be applied to women.

4. Your sex life is nonexistent

In the past, the two of you went at it like wild animals in heat, but now she gives you the cold shoulder when you try to initiate sexual relations and intimacy is nonexistent. Either she has lost interest in you, which is not good, or she is getting her kicks elsewhere, which is really not good. It’s time for a talk if the two of you are still intimate but find that she lacks any desire for you.

5. She has a new wardrobe

She has an entirely new wardrobe, her lingerie has taken a cue from Victoria’s Secret and her hair looks great. She could be cheating on you, but here is a warning to the paranoid: if she started a new job, for example, she is probably not cheating. If she is doing this all for you, wake up and please her as she is not cheating on you… at least not yet…

Help! My Partner is Driving Me Crazy!

Melody Brooke — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 12:52:01 +0000

Have you ever been in one of those relationship "discussions" – read: arguments – with your partner that for no reason seems to escalate out of control and when it’s all over, you’re sitting there in a daze wondering what happened?

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could identify these situations before they occur and stop arguments in their tracks?

Here’s great article from featured author, Melody Brooke on just how to prevent these "discussions" from spiraling out of control.

Help! My Partner is Driving Me Crazy!

When we are in a long-term relationship we sometimes find that we are caught in conflicts that make us feel crazy. We don’t understand what the other person is talking about and they don’t seem to understand what it is we are trying to tell them. Often this is about the time couples give up on their partnership and call it quits. Why does this happen? How can we stop it?

It happens because we are animals. Yes, essentially we are human animals driven by instincts that we don’t have conscious awareness of, but that are driving our behavior nonetheless. It’s not terribly complicated, though it’s not all that easy to change. Understanding what drives us and why we react the way we do, and why our spouses are reacting the way they are; helps us move through it to a (hopefully) happy resolution.

We can stop it, but it’s sometimes really hard. To begin with, recognize that whatever it seems like the conflict is about is not what it’s really about. I know it’s hard to accept but what you are really upset about it not that he didn’t call when he said he would or that she got upset with you for being late. That may be what triggered the discussion, but it is not the source of the upset. Let me explain.

When we feel we are being attacked or threatened in someway we feel that we are the Victim, and the offending person (our partner) is the Villain (perpetrator, bad guy, whatever) on an emotional level. Now, we may know intellectually that this person is our lover, our spouse, our intimate partner, etc., but we don’t feel that way when we are feeling attacked or threatened. On an emotional level, we are the Victim and they are the Villain. As long as we are emotionally in this place, our relationship is ultimately doomed.

Our instinct then, is to attack back in order to feel safe or that we are protecting ourselves. I call taking this position being in the “Self-Protector” position. Of course, if we are “Rescuers” we might instead, let our partner off the hook by saying, “Oh, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I am getting upset over nothing” thereby placating our partner and avoiding a fight. But the end result is the same, we haven’t stopped feeling like a Victim and they are still the Villain in our heart.

So if fighting back or placating are not the answer, what is? How do we stop the craziness?

The answer is simple, but not easy. We take ownership of our part in whatever upset our partner, or of what is upsetting us, and then provide empathy and respect for our partner. This is what it looks like…

Is It Possible to Love Two Men? How do I choose?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 22:42:59 +0000

Ponder this question for a moment…

Society teaches us that it is wrong to love two men at the same time, or two women for that matter.

At the same time we are taught to love everyone in our family unconditionally.

Is it because that love is not sexual in nature?

Why isn’t is possible, or should I say, why are we taught that it’s wrong to love more than one person romantically and to be sexually attracted to more than one person at the same time?

Think about this while you read this question and our answer…

The Question

I am in love with two men. Both say they love me and eventually want to marry me.

One is my best friend, the person I feel I can talk to about anything, and the person who has always been there for me and who I can communicate with and makes me laugh. However, I am not sexually attracted to him, although I love him and enjoy intimacy other than sexual intimacy. Also in order to have children we will need to have IVF to prevent a genetic disorder, which will mean suffering for me.

The other is not my best friend. We have trouble communicating and he is always running around with his many friends rather than spending quiet time with me at home, although he can be very romantic and loving. However I am incredibly sexually attracted to him and love him, and also I would be able to conceive with him naturally without IVF.

I am confused. I have tried looking inside my heart to determine who I love more…but that doesn’t work as I love them both for different reasons and for different qualities. I have tried writing up a list of things I like and don’t like about both of them but this doesn’t work either. I need to make a decision as I am hurting myself and them. I am scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it later when I realize I chose the wrong person.

My question I suppose is, is it better to marry my best friend even though I don’t desire to have sex with him, as I know that communication will always be easy with him, and will not something that we have to work at. Also I know he will always be there for me, never betray me to his friends, always understand or try to understand my views, and spend more time at home with me instead of constantly going out every night. I suppose my problem here is that sex is an important part of marriage and I am scared I just wont want to do it as often as him as I don’t desire it, which will mean his needs as well as my needs will not be met, and will hurt the relationship.

Or is it better to marry someone who you are incredibly sexually attracted to since sex is a very important aspect of a marriage, and work on the communication, even if it means always having issues that you will have to work hard to resolve because communication between you is something that has never come easily and will require a lot of work because you are each on different wavelengths?

In a way I wish I could put guy #1’s personality in guy #2’s body, then I would have the perfect mate. I just don’t know what to do. I truly love them both, for different reasons. I just don’t know what I should give more importance to in helping me make my decision. I suppose that another resolution would be that since I don’t know who I love more, I would choose that person who loves ME more. In that way I could be more sure about making the right decision. Both have done things to hurt me, and both have done things to show me they love me, albeit in very different ways….so I really don’t know how to get that answer either.

I just want to do the right thing. I have had ample time to think about this and time hasn’t helped, in fact it has gone on too long. Please help me.

Confused Sarah

The answer to Sarah’s question…

Is Your Partner Cheating on You? Are You Sure?

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 15:34:30 +0000

Jealousy… Anger… Fear… Frustration… Confusion…;

These are the most common first emotions when you first suspect your partner of Cheating.

Do you think your partner may be cheating on YOU?

Do you trust your partner completely and think there’s absolutely no way they would ever cheat?

Well, think again…

More people than ever before, thanks to the internet, are cheating on their partners.

With online dating sites, social networking sites, video chat rooms, email and instant messengers, it’s easier than ever to meet someone, have an affair – and get away with it.

Check out these really scary statistics from CheaterCheckers.com.

1 in 2 people in a relationship cheat on their partner
9 out of 10 women who feel their partner is cheating are correct
50% of men who feel their partner is cheating are correct
57% of women cheat on their partner
3 in 4 married men cheat on their partner
2 out of 3 people being cheated on never find out

If you’re like me, you know that people cheat, but those numbers are much, much, much higher than I ever would have guessed.

Now if you know Dan and me very well, you know that we don’t believe in the whole partner ownership thing.

However, if you have made an agreement with someone to stay completely monogamous (Yes, you actually talked about it. Not just ‘assumed’ that’s how it would be.), and then you go behind your partner’s back with another person – that’s lying and you’ve broken the trust between you and your partner.

Without trust, you cannot have a truly intimate and loving relationship.

Our thoughts are that if you really find another person incredibly attractive and it will bring you joy to have sex with them – talk to your partner about it and if it seems like a good thing to do and both of you are OK with it, then go for it.

Again, we don’t subscribe to the whole ownership and jealousy thing. You cannot own another person, and if you really love them unconditionally, you will want them to do whatever brings them joy and happiness.

Unconditional Love means that you place no conditions on your partner (or anyone else for that matter) as to how they must behave, or who they must be, in order to receive love and acceptance from you.

Here’s a great article and another perspective on unconditional love from Roy Klienwachter, author of several books and hundreds of articles on the subjects of New Age Philosophy and Spirituality.

"What Does Unconditional Love Really Mean?"

What we find most of the time is that when we are attracted to another person, it’s mostly the thrill of the chase…

Talking about it openly with your partner will very often diminish the perceived excitement of the other person because suddenly it’s no longer taboo or forbidden. Also, we’ve found that if you talk about what you find exciting about the other person, you may both get so aroused you’ll have the best sex you’ve had in months.

If of course, you can get past the whole jealousy ownership thing…

Trust me, it’s better to just to be open and honest with each other.

If you want to find out for certain, right now, if your partner is cheating on you, download How To Catch a Cheating Spouse today.

Is it Wrong to Leave My Husband for a Man I Just Met on the Internet?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 01:10:26 +0000

It’s becoming a common theme…

People meet someone online and want to leave their families and their lives behind – without ever meeting this person face to face.

In many cases, when they do actually meet the other person, they find that there is no spark, no chemistry.

How is that possible when they got along so well online?

It’s really quite simple. Attraction is much more than just logic and words. We are attracted to others because of the energy that surrounds them, their smell, their movement, their chemistry – so much more than can ever be conveyed over the internet or even over the telephone.

The internet is a great medium for initial introductions, but nothing beats good ol’ face to face communication to determine if you really like someone.

Think of Online Dating as "Online Introductions". After you find someone you think you may like, it’s time to get out from behind the computer, meet them, and really get to know them in the real word before making any life changing decisions.

Having said that, is it really wrong to leave your current partner to be with someone you met on the internet?

The Question

After 20 years of marriage, and 2 weeks of talking to a stranger online, I am ready to end my marriage and run off with a person 13 yrs my junior. I realize how insane this must sound to most. Sill as I live it, it just seems right. He seems right. If in fact my new friend is truly what he seems, is it wrong to want real happiness? After 20 years my spouse is no closer to meeting halfway on anything. I had resolved myself to this and thought this is how all marriages end up? Help?

The Answer

First, stop and take a deep breath. You don’t need to make this decision immediately, and you really shouldn’t. There are two very distinct questions facing you here, and combining them can be very dangerous.

1. Should you leave and divorce your husband?

2. Do you truly want to be with this new man?

Is it wrong to want real happiness?

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Is a Small Penis Size Crushing Your Confidence with Women?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 21:00:16 +0000

Do you worry that your penis is too small to satisfy a woman?

Even worse, have you had complaints from women about the size of your penis?

This is a question that has plagued men from the beginning of time.

The Question

I seem to be having trouble with the opposite sex.

What is the average size of the male penis. I measured mine erect and found that I am 3.7 inches long, 0.8 inches wide and 0.4 inches thick width a measured circumference of 2.7 inches. Is that normal, small or big?

I also have right curvature of the penis that doesn’t hurt but it’s shaped like a u-turn. If it was bigger it would probably point back at me. I also makes it look weird and really small. Is that normal and does masturbation cause that?

I just started shaving my balls, does that make the penis look bigger or is it a dead give away?

My last three girlfriends said my penis was pathetic and they had seen pencils bigger. One said my penis would get lost in her mouth if she tried to suck it. My confidence is shattered and I would love to have answers to my questions. Pleas help and write back soon.

The Answer

What is the perfect penis size?

This is an age old question with no "right" answer. Since we are not experts in this field, this one required some research…

I believe that the Taoist Masters have the best answer to this question, but I’ll include some Western views on the topic as well.

Taoist Thoughts on Penis Size

I’m currently reading a book called "Sexual Reflexology" by Mantak Chia (the same author as "Multi-Orgasmic Man") and William Wei. The principles in the book are based on ancient Taoist traditions and practices. Basically what this book tells us is that the size and shape of the man’s penis must match with the size and shape of the woman’s vagina. I don’t know about you, but that just seems to make sense…

The book goes on to talk about various ways to tell if you are sexually compatible with another person by looking at various body features on the hands, ears, and face. It’s worth reading if you haven’t already.

I’m also going to check out the "Multi-Orgasmic Man". The principle here is teaching men how to separate the orgasm from the ejaculation so that they can enjoy multiple orgasms and extended sexual excitement.

OK, back on topic…

Break Up and Divorce – Should You Condemn Yourself to a Bad Relationship for Life Because of Religion and Guilt?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 14:00:56 +0000

If you’re in a bad marriage and are really unhappy, should you separate, get a divorce, or stay in the marriage?

For us, this is not a cut and dry decision as there are many factors to consider.

As you all know by now, we’re not afraid to approach what some would consider to be forbidden topics. We like to think outside of the box and question everything while staying true to ourselves.

Our goal with this post is to help Karen follow her heart and make decisions based on love rather that fear and guilt.

Hang on tight! This could get bumpy. We’re about to step outside the box and ask you to question beliefs that you may have never have thought to question before.

Don’t forget - take the poll at the end of this article to make your vote count on this incredibly controversial topic.

Background – Is this a bad relationship?

This question is a bit involved, so we’ll break it up into sections.

I was married for twelve years to a man (S) that deserted me twice. He also had numerous extra-marital infidelities. He took his stuff and left this last time about a year and a half ago. I tried and tried to talk to him but he refused to talk to me or answer my phone calls. I was just heartbroken. He was my second husband. My first husband wasn’t unfaithful, but he had an explosive temper and shouted and screamed at me. And even though he never actually hit me, I was afraid of him.

Anyway, seven months after my second husband left me I decided to try and move on with my life. I met a wonderful man (D). He was everything I had wanted – Caring, responsible, trustful and very loving. We started slowly, but after awhile I fell deeply in love with him. And he fell in love with me.

I hired an attorney. I filed for divorce. After I had been with D for around four months he proposed to me. I was very excited and accepted. I knew our relationship was perfect and we had a wonderful life ahead of us. We were doing everything together and I was so happy.

S somehow found out and started to phone me. He told me he wanted us to get back together. He told me he would never do any of the things he had done to me before. He said he had found God and was going to church now. He said that he was a changed man. He said I was still his wife and I owed him another chance to prove he had changed. He told me he was a broken man and was thinking about suicide. I finally allowed him to see me he cried and cried and pleaded with me telling me he had changed. I felt so guilty.

Love and Fear

Karen, while this is a very emotional situation, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about anything another person does or experiences. They make their own choices in life and their experiences are their own. You can be understanding and empathize with the other person, but never, ever, make yourself responsible for what another person is experiencing.

You can control how you behave and respond to a situation, but that is where your control ends. Never let another person make you feel guilty. There is no right or wrong choice in life because we grow from each experience – some choices just work better for us than others. Even the ones that didn’t work out quite like you hoped provide the opportunity to grow.

Sometimes the best way to figure out what we want is to experience what we don’t want. Just try to learn from that experience so that you don’t keep repeating it. I’ve noticed that the Universe will keep sending you the same situation or experience over and over until you learn the lesson that you need to learn from that specific experience.

Our emotional scale has two extremes – love and fear.

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