Ask Dan and Jennifer » relationship question

How Can I Convince Her That A Long Distance Relationship Can Work? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 10 May 2007 23:30:53 +0000

What do you do when you meet the perfect girl in college, but then you both graduate and your jobs take you to different cities?

Can a long distance relationship work? We believe that it can under the right circumstances.

What if SHE doesn’t think it can? How do you convince her? This one’s a little more tricky…

Here’s a great question from a guy in this very predicament.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have known my girlfriend for about 2.5 years and we have been dating for 2 years. We met in college and both graduated in December We knew that we would live in separate cities in October. she adamantly stated at the time that she WOULD NOT and COULD NOT do a long distance relationship

But, because we both love each other, we stayed together anyway…

We have been living apart for 3 months now and have seen each other just about every other weekend. When we are together, we are both very happy. If you were to judge our relationship based on the weekends we spend together, it would be very healthy, but she seems to let the physical separation affect her opinion about our relationship…she still holds the mindset that long distance relationships do not work.

She tells me that she is extremely lonely during the week and needs human contact.

This long distance relationship is getting to be very difficult. I do think that our relationship would be very solid if we were living in the same city. We are each other’s best friends and have talked about marriage in the future.

What can we do to make sure our relationship lasts? I would also like her to change her negative attitude about the physical separation and have her maybe just consider moving to my second job location. Any advice would be appreciated!

Thanks!

– John

Watch this short video for the answer…

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Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts - leave a comment below.

High School Sweethearts: Is It Meant to Last?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 13:28:40 +0000

It’s happens all the time. High School Sweethearts go off to college. Usually, they go off to different colleges and that ends it pretty quickly.

But what happens when they actually go to the same college and see each other every day?

It may be more difficult to break it off, but as people grow and mature, especially at that age, they tend to go their separate ways. And that’s OK. It’s almost expected.

There are occasions where they stay together and live happily ever after, but that’s not the norm.

For young couples in this situation, the important thing is not to focus so much on the ever after and enjoy the time spent together today, in the present.

Don’t rush into marriage too quickly. There’s no reason for it. You can always get married later if you choose to do so. Being together is not all about marriage, and it’s not always meant to lead to marriage.

Many people just see marriage as a safety net – a way to "lock in" that relationship permanently before it gets away. Signing a marriage contract won’t make you closer. But getting married too soon in any relationship will usually lead to a lot of heartache and often an even more painful breakup.

Open and honest communication is critical. One may worry about the other’s happiness and make foolish decisions just to keep from hurting their best friend. Talk about your relationship frequently at this age because both of you are changing and growing so much all the time.

What may have been a valid assumption about your relationship in January may no longer be true in June. It’s not that the other person is fickle or confused. The ages between 18 and 27 are the years when a teenager becomes and adult and truly discovers who they are. They come out of their shell so to speak.

In many cases, this means leaving behind old friends and lovers, including your High School Sweetheart. Not because they’ve done anything wrong… You’re just growing and changing in different directions.

While it may hurt to break of the relationship, if you are honest with one another, five years from now, you’ll probably still be friends because of the trust and friendship you’ve developed. If you lie and hide your feelings, you’re more likely to lose the relationship all together.

If you’re not sure that you want to continue the relationship – maybe you want to experience life and see what else is out there… Talk about it with your partner and explain your feelings. Let him or her know that it’s not about them. Make it about you.

In reality, two things could happen — you could be completely honest and find out that your partner feels exactly the same way – so you decide to just be friends, or your relationship may grow even closer because of your honestly and move to the next deeper level.

The important thing to remember is that the decision to stay together or to move on should be a mutual decision made by the two of you together.

How to Tell Your Partner Anything and Live to Tell About It

Melody Brooke — Sat, 21 Apr 2007 13:16:36 +0000

Do you have things that you don’t tell you partner because you’re afraid of how they’ll react? Is it easier to avoid the conversation than to deal with their response?

Do you know that your lack of communication is actually hurting your relationship rather than helping it?

Here’s great article from featured author, Melody Brooke that will help you better understand how to have even the most difficult conversation with your partner and how having these conversations can actually help your relationship grow even stronger.

Oh, No, I Could Never Tell Him That!

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

It took me many years to figure out that my way of communicating was a disaster. I was so paranoid of telling my partner things that would upset him that I had very few things that I could actually say to him. Even when I got over the paranoia, I still found myself not always telling him things.

By choosing to limit what I was telling my partner, I was controlling him. I chose not to tell him certain things because I was afraid of his reaction. I didn’t want to displease him or anger him, so I just didn’t tell him things that I feared would cause those reactions.

For years I was convinced behavior I labeled as “controlling” was a “bad” thing. It would make upset me terribly to have someone tell me what to do or to command me to behave in a certain way. I would be triggered into feeling trapped, angry and resentful. Yet I never realized that my own lack of communication was really the same thing!

The decision making process is key to understanding why we communicate the way we do. If our decision-making is based on fear or control, we are in for trouble. The trick is; how do we recognize our motivations? To know what our motivations are, we have to be connected with our own feelings. We have to be able to name them, and we have to be able to recognize how they are affecting us, and our communications.

The funny thing is that many of us are keenly aware of what other people are feeling (or what we think they are feeling) and yet clueless about what we are feeling. What I have learned over the years is that the same thing motivates all of us: survival. On a brain level we are driven to do that which will help us survive in whatever circumstance we find ourselves.

Rarely in this day and age are those feelings based on actual physical survival, but rather they are based on the survival of our well being. When we feel our well being is threatened in any way, we will be thrown into a survival mode that is as old as life itself. We can’t help it, its automatic. It doesn’t matter how mature we are, if we are put in the right (or wrong) circumstance we will behave in ways we end up regretting and we may even be confused as to why we found ourselves reacting that way.

This brain response limits our choices. When we are in this kind of reactivity our bodies go into what is known as “fight or flight” response. Telling my partner something I feared would make him angry sent me into “flight”. For me, that meant shutting up, holding back, and not speaking my whole truth. As a result I often ended up lying to him through lies of omission. I didn’t think of it that way, in fact, I rarely thought about it because it was automatic.

Once I recognized that pattern I was able to start speaking my truth to him. Scary though it was, it dramatically improved the quality of our relationship…

High School Sweethearts – Can It REALLY Last? (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 17:55:28 +0000

You’ve seen time and time again… young couples together since high school, making plans to be together forever.

Ah, young love… It’s beautiful and romantic, but forever is a pretty big word. Being so young, high school sweethearts are much more likely to grow apart than older couples.

They go to college, make new friends, find new interests and passions. And before you know it, they find they’ve grown apart.

So here’s the question: Can it REALLY last? And if it starts falling apart, what can you do to keep from losing your best friend?

Watch this short video to find out…

Don’t forget to go to YouTube and rate the video and subscribe to our channel.

Then, be sure to chime in and tell us your thoughts - leave a comment below.

Sex, What’s That? I’m Married!

Melody Brooke — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 23:43:28 +0000

Have you ever wondered why sex seems to disappear when you get married? Is it complacency? Is it laziness?

Sex, What’s That? I’m Married!

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

It’s not a joke; most married men I know claim to have less sex than they did when they were single. This seems to be confirmed by the Durex Survey (2001), since couples living together claim to have sex 146 times per year, while married couples make love only 98 times per year. Yet going from roughly three times a week to two hardly seems to justify the statement. But why is it that simply being married reduces the number of times we choose to enjoy each other’s bodies?

After working with couples for over the past nearly 20 years, and going through my own set of divorces, I have come to the conclusion that marital dissatisfaction and a lack of sexual intimacy go hand in hand. Men feel it as a lack of sex; women feel it as a lack of emotional connectivity. But both feel it as something lacking in the relationship. Men tend to blame their wives for being disinterested or lacking in sexual drive, and women tend to blame their husbands for not having a good emotional I.Q. Yet both are unhappy. Hmm. The thing that seems to be consistent is that they each blame each other.

Blame is an old survival mechanism left over from our years as cavemen. We needed to know who was to blame for things in order to survive our harsh environment. This is not something we need to hang on to in our modern society. The assignment of blame acts as a tool to focus our actions and provides us with clear understanding of what to do next. But it also distances us from those we love. Our old brain, our mammalian primitive brain stem tells us that the one we blame is threatening our survival. This does not make us want to make love to them. It makes us want to protect ourselves, in other words, distance ourselves from that person.

Blaming each other and feeling like a victim of the other’s behavior, in my experience tends to lead to divorce. Yet somehow, this is the behavior of choice. What might happen if both partners actually took ownership of the situation and decided that they are both responsible for the lack of sexual and emotional intimacy?

If we can understand that our old brain is in gear when we are in a blaming stance, then maybe we could make a different choice. When we can recognize that we are blaming our partner for something, be it lack of sex or lack of emotional connection, it would behoove us to take ownership of our own part in the problem. We may not be sure what it is; but rest assured you have as much a part in the problem as your mate.

The alternative is to begin to explore what is in the way of the thing that you want. Let your partner know that you want things to be different and that you recognize that you have not made it easy for the two of you to have what you want. Simply admitting that you recognize that you have a part in the problem will take your partner out of defensive mode and improve your communication.

This is hard for people who…

How to Spice Up Your Sex Life and Save Your Relationship (Video)

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 19:53:33 +0000

Here’s a common scenario…

My partner and I have been together for 2 years and we have been living together for about 4 months. Now that we are living together, we rarely have sex. We are becoming more like best friends and I’m scared the passion is fading.

I don’t want to lose my relationship but I don’t know if I have the will power to save it. What can I do?

Watch this short video to find out how you can spice up your sex life and bring back that spark you had in the beginning…

Don’t forget to go to YouTube and rate the video and subscribe to our channel.

Then, be sure to tell us your thoughts - leave a comment below.

Dating, Relationships, Love, & Sex… See Dan and Jennifer LIVE on YouTube!

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 21:45:14 +0000

See Dan & Jennifer LIVE on YouTube!

We’ve finally done it… We’re uploading videos ‘almost’ daily about dating and relationship questions, sex tips, online dating advice, and more…

You name it, it’s there. If you don’t see what you’re looking for, let us know and we’ll film it.

Click here to visit Our YouTube Channel
Be sure to subscribe to our channel on YouTube and vote for your favorite videos!

Here’s our first ever video. This is the uncut and uncensored version so the laughs and bloopers are included.

Help! My Partner is Driving Me Crazy!

Melody Brooke — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 12:52:01 +0000

Have you ever been in one of those relationship "discussions" – read: arguments – with your partner that for no reason seems to escalate out of control and when it’s all over, you’re sitting there in a daze wondering what happened?

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could identify these situations before they occur and stop arguments in their tracks?

Here’s great article from featured author, Melody Brooke on just how to prevent these "discussions" from spiraling out of control.

Help! My Partner is Driving Me Crazy!

When we are in a long-term relationship we sometimes find that we are caught in conflicts that make us feel crazy. We don’t understand what the other person is talking about and they don’t seem to understand what it is we are trying to tell them. Often this is about the time couples give up on their partnership and call it quits. Why does this happen? How can we stop it?

It happens because we are animals. Yes, essentially we are human animals driven by instincts that we don’t have conscious awareness of, but that are driving our behavior nonetheless. It’s not terribly complicated, though it’s not all that easy to change. Understanding what drives us and why we react the way we do, and why our spouses are reacting the way they are; helps us move through it to a (hopefully) happy resolution.

We can stop it, but it’s sometimes really hard. To begin with, recognize that whatever it seems like the conflict is about is not what it’s really about. I know it’s hard to accept but what you are really upset about it not that he didn’t call when he said he would or that she got upset with you for being late. That may be what triggered the discussion, but it is not the source of the upset. Let me explain.

When we feel we are being attacked or threatened in someway we feel that we are the Victim, and the offending person (our partner) is the Villain (perpetrator, bad guy, whatever) on an emotional level. Now, we may know intellectually that this person is our lover, our spouse, our intimate partner, etc., but we don’t feel that way when we are feeling attacked or threatened. On an emotional level, we are the Victim and they are the Villain. As long as we are emotionally in this place, our relationship is ultimately doomed.

Our instinct then, is to attack back in order to feel safe or that we are protecting ourselves. I call taking this position being in the “Self-Protector” position. Of course, if we are “Rescuers” we might instead, let our partner off the hook by saying, “Oh, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I am getting upset over nothing” thereby placating our partner and avoiding a fight. But the end result is the same, we haven’t stopped feeling like a Victim and they are still the Villain in our heart.

So if fighting back or placating are not the answer, what is? How do we stop the craziness?

The answer is simple, but not easy. We take ownership of our part in whatever upset our partner, or of what is upsetting us, and then provide empathy and respect for our partner. This is what it looks like…

Is It Possible to Love Two Men? How do I choose?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 22:42:59 +0000

Ponder this question for a moment…

Society teaches us that it is wrong to love two men at the same time, or two women for that matter.

At the same time we are taught to love everyone in our family unconditionally.

Is it because that love is not sexual in nature?

Why isn’t is possible, or should I say, why are we taught that it’s wrong to love more than one person romantically and to be sexually attracted to more than one person at the same time?

Think about this while you read this question and our answer…

The Question

I am in love with two men. Both say they love me and eventually want to marry me.

One is my best friend, the person I feel I can talk to about anything, and the person who has always been there for me and who I can communicate with and makes me laugh. However, I am not sexually attracted to him, although I love him and enjoy intimacy other than sexual intimacy. Also in order to have children we will need to have IVF to prevent a genetic disorder, which will mean suffering for me.

The other is not my best friend. We have trouble communicating and he is always running around with his many friends rather than spending quiet time with me at home, although he can be very romantic and loving. However I am incredibly sexually attracted to him and love him, and also I would be able to conceive with him naturally without IVF.

I am confused. I have tried looking inside my heart to determine who I love more…but that doesn’t work as I love them both for different reasons and for different qualities. I have tried writing up a list of things I like and don’t like about both of them but this doesn’t work either. I need to make a decision as I am hurting myself and them. I am scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it later when I realize I chose the wrong person.

My question I suppose is, is it better to marry my best friend even though I don’t desire to have sex with him, as I know that communication will always be easy with him, and will not something that we have to work at. Also I know he will always be there for me, never betray me to his friends, always understand or try to understand my views, and spend more time at home with me instead of constantly going out every night. I suppose my problem here is that sex is an important part of marriage and I am scared I just wont want to do it as often as him as I don’t desire it, which will mean his needs as well as my needs will not be met, and will hurt the relationship.

Or is it better to marry someone who you are incredibly sexually attracted to since sex is a very important aspect of a marriage, and work on the communication, even if it means always having issues that you will have to work hard to resolve because communication between you is something that has never come easily and will require a lot of work because you are each on different wavelengths?

In a way I wish I could put guy #1’s personality in guy #2’s body, then I would have the perfect mate. I just don’t know what to do. I truly love them both, for different reasons. I just don’t know what I should give more importance to in helping me make my decision. I suppose that another resolution would be that since I don’t know who I love more, I would choose that person who loves ME more. In that way I could be more sure about making the right decision. Both have done things to hurt me, and both have done things to show me they love me, albeit in very different ways….so I really don’t know how to get that answer either.

I just want to do the right thing. I have had ample time to think about this and time hasn’t helped, in fact it has gone on too long. Please help me.

Confused Sarah

The answer to Sarah’s question…

Is it Wrong to Leave My Husband for a Man I Just Met on the Internet?

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 01:10:26 +0000

It’s becoming a common theme…

People meet someone online and want to leave their families and their lives behind – without ever meeting this person face to face.

In many cases, when they do actually meet the other person, they find that there is no spark, no chemistry.

How is that possible when they got along so well online?

It’s really quite simple. Attraction is much more than just logic and words. We are attracted to others because of the energy that surrounds them, their smell, their movement, their chemistry – so much more than can ever be conveyed over the internet or even over the telephone.

The internet is a great medium for initial introductions, but nothing beats good ol’ face to face communication to determine if you really like someone.

Think of Online Dating as "Online Introductions". After you find someone you think you may like, it’s time to get out from behind the computer, meet them, and really get to know them in the real word before making any life changing decisions.

Having said that, is it really wrong to leave your current partner to be with someone you met on the internet?

The Question

After 20 years of marriage, and 2 weeks of talking to a stranger online, I am ready to end my marriage and run off with a person 13 yrs my junior. I realize how insane this must sound to most. Sill as I live it, it just seems right. He seems right. If in fact my new friend is truly what he seems, is it wrong to want real happiness? After 20 years my spouse is no closer to meeting halfway on anything. I had resolved myself to this and thought this is how all marriages end up? Help?

The Answer

First, stop and take a deep breath. You don’t need to make this decision immediately, and you really shouldn’t. There are two very distinct questions facing you here, and combining them can be very dangerous.

1. Should you leave and divorce your husband?

2. Do you truly want to be with this new man?

Is it wrong to want real happiness?

…

I’m Afraid to Tell You…

Melody Brooke — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 10:39:15 +0000

Honestly in a relationship is critical for long term success. But we all know how hard it can be to share our past transgressions with another person, especially the one we love.

We insist that our partner be completely honest with us about everything (check out the discussion around our previous post, Honesty About Previous Sex Partners… How Much Do You Really Need To Share?) and yet we find it difficult to be completely honest with our partner for fear that their feelings about us will change.

Here’s another great article by featured author Melody Brooke with her thoughts on intimacy and trust.

I’m Afraid to Tell You What I am Thinking!

Most of us learn to hold back on some of our truths when we first start dating. We might not tell him about our crazy old boyfriend who used to pull our chair out from under us on the first date. We might not tell her that the way she says the world “Insurance” with the inflection in the wrong place drives you crazy. So we learn to hold back truths in the service of getting to know each other and not running her off before we have had a chance to find out if there is more.

Over time, if we have any skill at intimate connection, we are able to start disclosing more and more information about our past and our likes and dislikes. But some of us find speaking our truths to our partners a real challenge. We may have a hard time letting them know when they don’t shave it scratches our skin raw. We might struggle with telling them when we have made a huge mistake that we are embarrassed about. Our fear of being seen for who we really are can be overwhelming.

What if I tell her and she leaves me? What if it makes him angry? How do we tell our truth and stay in connection? The reality is that if we don’t speak our truth our connection is already starting to deteriorate.

When I first married I had a hard time telling my husband when I had spent money on things for myself. I was fearful that, like my first husband, he would be upset with me and it would start a fight. So I didn’t always tell him when I spent money I was not sure he would approve of my spending. But eventually I learned that keeping secrets builds a wall between us. Over time I began to feel separate from him and he knew something was going on, he could feel the shift, but didn’t know where it was coming from. When we finally talked he let me know that he trusted my decisions and both of us knowing where we are financially would help us both make wise decisions about spending. It was an enormous relief.

Other things are hard sometimes too…

Here’s How to Make the Transition from Friends to More Than Friends a Little Easier

Dan and Jennifer — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 16:00:00 +0000

The Question

I’ve recently had feelings for this girl and it turns out she’s had feelings for me as well.

We’ve been friends with each other for years but there’s always been something more there.

She told me that she had liked me more than a friend in the past and she does presently, and it’s the same story with me.

A few days ago we kissed for the first time after we had been out with a group of friends but were alone at the time. From that point on I considered us to be "official" and that’s also what she said to me after the kiss.

However, just two days later she sent me a text message saying "I can’t do this, I just can’t right now."

She has been messed around by boyfriends in the past and treated particularly badly by her previous boyfriend. I’m afraid this has something to do with it.

I really want to make it happen with this girl. Any ideas?????

So what would you do in this situation?

Force the issue and tell her to get over it or maybe sit back and wait for her indefinitely?

Here’s what I would do in the same situation.

The Answer

It sounds like she’s a little "gun shy" and who can blame her. Give her time and show her that you’re not like her previous boyfriends. She may just be really nervous about crossing the "dating" line and taking the risk of losing you as a friend.

Talk to her.

Tell her openly and honestly how you feel without putting any pressure on her. Let her know that you’re there for her regardless of whether or not she’s your girlfriend or just your friend. Whether your relationship with her is labeled as "romantic" or not, it sounds like you have a good relationship, one worth keeping. Too many people let their hormones drive their intellect and ruin a perfectly good relationship – don’t be one of those.

If she just wants to keep you as a friend, it doesn’t mean that she’s rejecting you as a person. It simply means that she’s not ready for a romantic relationship and doesn’t want to date you right now. So many men get angry over this situation because they take it personally, but most likely it has nothing to do with you – she’s already told you that she’s attracted to you.

Ask yourself why you want to take the relationship to the next level.

…

Break Up and Divorce – Should You Condemn Yourself to a Bad Relationship for Life Because of Religion and Guilt?

Dan and Jennifer — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 14:00:56 +0000

If you’re in a bad marriage and are really unhappy, should you separate, get a divorce, or stay in the marriage?

For us, this is not a cut and dry decision as there are many factors to consider.

As you all know by now, we’re not afraid to approach what some would consider to be forbidden topics. We like to think outside of the box and question everything while staying true to ourselves.

Our goal with this post is to help Karen follow her heart and make decisions based on love rather that fear and guilt.

Hang on tight! This could get bumpy. We’re about to step outside the box and ask you to question beliefs that you may have never have thought to question before.

Don’t forget - take the poll at the end of this article to make your vote count on this incredibly controversial topic.

Background – Is this a bad relationship?

This question is a bit involved, so we’ll break it up into sections.

I was married for twelve years to a man (S) that deserted me twice. He also had numerous extra-marital infidelities. He took his stuff and left this last time about a year and a half ago. I tried and tried to talk to him but he refused to talk to me or answer my phone calls. I was just heartbroken. He was my second husband. My first husband wasn’t unfaithful, but he had an explosive temper and shouted and screamed at me. And even though he never actually hit me, I was afraid of him.

Anyway, seven months after my second husband left me I decided to try and move on with my life. I met a wonderful man (D). He was everything I had wanted – Caring, responsible, trustful and very loving. We started slowly, but after awhile I fell deeply in love with him. And he fell in love with me.

I hired an attorney. I filed for divorce. After I had been with D for around four months he proposed to me. I was very excited and accepted. I knew our relationship was perfect and we had a wonderful life ahead of us. We were doing everything together and I was so happy.

S somehow found out and started to phone me. He told me he wanted us to get back together. He told me he would never do any of the things he had done to me before. He said he had found God and was going to church now. He said that he was a changed man. He said I was still his wife and I owed him another chance to prove he had changed. He told me he was a broken man and was thinking about suicide. I finally allowed him to see me he cried and cried and pleaded with me telling me he had changed. I felt so guilty.

Love and Fear

Karen, while this is a very emotional situation, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about anything another person does or experiences. They make their own choices in life and their experiences are their own. You can be understanding and empathize with the other person, but never, ever, make yourself responsible for what another person is experiencing.

You can control how you behave and respond to a situation, but that is where your control ends. Never let another person make you feel guilty. There is no right or wrong choice in life because we grow from each experience – some choices just work better for us than others. Even the ones that didn’t work out quite like you hoped provide the opportunity to grow.

Sometimes the best way to figure out what we want is to experience what we don’t want. Just try to learn from that experience so that you don’t keep repeating it. I’ve noticed that the Universe will keep sending you the same situation or experience over and over until you learn the lesson that you need to learn from that specific experience.

Our emotional scale has two extremes – love and fear.

…

Shocking Sex Poll Results – The Surprising Verdict on Swinging and Polyamory!

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 10:47:56 +0000

Wow, what a ride…

Last week we took a poll to see exactly how our readers feel about Swinging and Polyamory.

We asked: "Would you ever consider swinging or polyamory?"

The conversation was heated and down right amazing. Readers left hundreds of comments all over Netscape.com and on the posts themselves.

So just what were the results of this controversial sex poll?

More than 3000 of our readers spoke out and the answers will surprise you…

Here’s the breakdown as of 3/1/2007

(we’ll update this periodically as the number change)

35% of our readers (1060 votes) said that they would be willing to try swinging with the right group of people
20% of our readers (599 votes) said that monogamy is the only way to go
16% of our readers (492 votes) were strongly against it
16% of our readers (497 votes) are active in the swinger lifestyle and lovin’ it
13% of our readers (392 votes) said it’s not for them , but they don’t have a problem if someone else does it

What was really interesting is that 51% of the people polled were either active in the swinging lifestyle or willing to try it while only 36% were stongly against it or said that monogamy is the only way to go. The other 13% of our readers said that it’s not for them, but they don’t have a problem if someone else does it..

Wow – don’t know about you, but we expected the numbers to be a little different .

It’s a close call but it looks like Swinging and Polyamory are in!

Take the poll

If you’re one of the few who missed it, here’s the post that sparked so much conversation and controversy: My Best Friend’s a Swinger – Will She Burn in Hell?
If you haven’t taken the poll yet, Take the Swinger / Polyamory Sex Poll to make your vote count on this incredibly controversial topic.
And be sure you make yourself heard in the other hot poll of the week: Sex Poll – Is It OK to Have Sex During That Time of the Month?

Don’t forget to leave a comment below to let us know where you stand.

The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid

Dan and Jennifer — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 22:43:09 +0000

Here’s a great article from one of our featured authors, Marianne Torrence.

Marianne is a clearing facilitator, personal development specialist and SuperTeaching trainer, providing in-depth and highly effective techniques and systems to “clear out your mental closets”; involving procedures which substantially reduce stress.

With 35 years of experience, Marianne delivers over 40 different programs covering a wide variety of issues people have such as unwanted limiting beliefs, removal of negative energy from traumatic incidents, relationship difficulties, communication ability enhancement, personal integrity makeover, attitude transformation, and bettering communication with their bodies.

You’ll want to read "The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid" right now because it will help you avoid the single biggest mistake that you can ever make in any relationship.

The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid

This mistake can destroy your relationships with children, friends, colleagues too.

One of the deadliest habits one can have is putting people down, devaluing them, making them wrong and all flavors of that activity. Everyone at one time or another has had experiences of feeling lessened or degraded by the attitude or comments of someone who was making them feel wrong or their communications of little value.

In a relationship or marriage, making your partner feel less, or creating an environment where people are afraid to speak because their communications are likely to be met by a putdown, is a sure recipe for disaster unless your partner is already disempowered or already accepting of the role of victim. Which hopefully isn’t the kind of partner you want or have got! But even if they are apparently accepting of this role, adding to it with putdowns will still backfire on the perpetrator.

In my many years of listening to people’s innermost thoughts and deepest hurts, I have observed that some of the deepest unhappiness and damage can be caused by people who continually emanate negative devaluing statements, creating an unsafe environment that kills the spirit along with any chance of a deepening and long-lasting closeness. And it is damaging to the person who does it too. Those around them may not express it, but the repressed hurt and resentment that accumulates will eventually rebound on the perpetrator.

The trouble is, a lot of the people who do this to others have no idea of the far-reaching effects it can have on the recipient. In my experience most aren’t confident enough or willing to ignore social niceties enough to just front up to the person doing it and just say “Knock it off – your put-down and make wrong communications are destructive and aren’t adding any value to the people you are delivering them to.”

The bottom line is…

Seven Easy Ways to Ignite the Spark in Your Relationship!

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 16:55:55 +0000

Here’s a great article from one of our featured authors, Melody Brooke. Melody is a Professional, Marriage and Family Counselor and InterPlay leader. Her approach uses body, mind, and spirit to help her clients heal themselves with her gentle and compassionate guidance.

"Seven Keys to a Lasting Connection" provides practical steps to ignite, or keep that spark, in your relationship. This is a must read article that is guaranteed to improve your relationship (assuming you are willing to take action ).

Seven Keys to Lasting Connection

It doesn’t matter how excited you are about your partner if you can’t stay on the same wavelength and keep a connection over time. Finding the right person is really less than half of what it takes to stay connected with someone. In working with couples and families over the past 18 years it has become clear to me that being in love, or even just loving someone, isn’t enough to keep the relationship going.

To maintain that magical feeling of love and special-ness in a relationship we have to be willing to take 150% ownership of the quality of the connection in our relationships. There are certain things we have to be willing to do and to continue doing if it is our intention to stay in love and in connection with our chosen partner.

The exciting thing is that it doesn’t matter if your relationship is only 6 months old or if its 20 years old, these things will work to deepen your connection. And, you don’t have to wait for the other person to do them, it’s not about what the other person does or doesn’t do. It’s about you deciding that you want to maintain that connection, and being willing to take that 150% ownership.

So here we go:

1) Love is an action: Show your partner how you feel about them every day, at least once a day. Do this even if you are in different states or countries. Show your care don’t just speak it. Saying “I love you” doesn’t deepen a connection unless it’s accompanied by actions. Leave love notes under your partner’s pillow when you are going to be out of town. Make sure the tires in his car have enough air in them before he leaves town. Hug her every time she walks in the door. Think to get her favorite flower once in a while, for no reason. Fix the leak in the bathroom he’s been complaining about. Wipe up the counter and pick up after yourself like she has been asking.

2) We are all kids at heart: Recognize that no matter how grown up your partner seems, they are really a little kid inside. (Oh yes, and so are you) We are all really just kids that have bodies that have aged. Inside all of us are the unmet needs of our childhood as well as the playful spontaneous joyful child that we once were. Throughout the time you spend with your partner, see if you can notice the kid inside them. Respond to that kid just as you would to a kid who has not yet grown older.

3) Bedtime sharing: If you live together, go to bed at the same time, together, every night. This is huge. That means turning off the TV, the night-light and the phone. This is your time together. Cuddle and talk, make love if the urge strikes but that is not the point. The point is to talk about your day, your worries, and your hopes. Discover that in spite of all the time you have spent together, you still don’t know each other. If you don’t live together, or are not together for whatever reason, talk on the phone after you climb into bed…

Bipolar Booty Call?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 23:03:42 +0000

The Question

I was seeing a 39 yr old Bipolar male. Until a year ago, he lived w/his mother. The only reason he moved out was because he did not get along w/his ailing step-father. His mother still handles all of his finances.

In the beginning of our relationship everything seemed nice, but then it turned. He called me every day for a while but would only see me once a week for sex. I thought that his BP Disorder had something to do with his behavior and accepted it-taking it slow.

He cancelled our plans on New Year’s Eve because he partied too hard the night B4 and I did not see him on my birthday.

He told me that I am beautiful and book smart and that scares him. After not hearing from him for 3 wks, he came over at 3:45 a.m. to "talk." We did talk, but he also wanted sex, which he DID NOT get! He also shocked me by showing me that he had shaved all the hair off of his genitals and thought that was something I would like. I found it to be strange (especially since I had not heard from him in so long). Now, he calls me once in a while. Many months ago, I told him that I was in love with him and how his behavior hurts.

Can you please help me? I am still in love with him, but as of Christmas Eve, stopped telling him so.

The Answer

Sorry to say, but sounds to me like you’re the proverbial "Booty Call". Don’t let him use being Bipolar as an excuse to take advantage of you.

I know nothing about this medical condition and do not know if it could cause this type of behavior… Here are some resources that I found that may help you.

http://www.psychologyinfo.com/depression/bipolar.htm

http://www.bipolarworld.net/York/dating.htm

Treating your girlfriend like a "booty call" is not on the list of normally displayed symptoms.

It sounds like for whatever reason, this man is not in any emotional state to be in any kind of serious relationship – whether the cause is BP disorder or simply a severe case of immaturity.

If I were in your shoes, I would show myself the well deserved respect that this man is not showing you, and either find a better relationship or enjoy my own company for a while. You do not need another person (man or woman) to confirm your greatness!

If you love yourself first, you will attract a man that loves and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

This may not be what you want to hear, but I hope it helps.

My Best Friend’s a Swinger – Will She Burn in Hell?

Dan and Jennifer — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 17:39:55 +0000

Whew… This revealing article about swinging and polyamory sparked such conversation and controversy; we just had to conduct a poll.

Take the poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.

The Question

I don’t know who to talk to about this b/c I am truly embarrassed for my friends.

I JUST found out yesterday… actually the day before that, that my dear close friends (two different couples) have been "swinging"… it’s more like three of them I believe, but who knows what goes on behind closed doors. Both of these couples are young engaged couples with very bright futures ahead of them.

I cherish my friendship with my handful of girlfriends, and think of them as precious people. When I heard this was going on, and that I was pretty much the only one who didn’t know about it… I was devastated, I was disgusted, and began to cry.

This happens ONLY when they are drunk… but it has happened A LOT. My husband and I are newly married, and we all hang out and party together.

I am so upset about all of this that I decided not to go to their co-ed bachelorette party in Vegas this weekend. I am still going to be in their wedding, but I feel in my heart that I can NOT be friends with either couple anymore. I don’t even want to support this marriage/union. I would feel so sick to my stomach… I really don’t have a REAL reason… it’s just not who I am, how I was raised, or where I come from.

Is it wrong for me to "ditch" my close girlfriends b/c of this?

The Answer

Whew… This is a very emotional topic because your underlying beliefs are being questioned. On the bright side, these types of situations really help us grow.

Our mission for this blog is to help everyone learn to come from a place of love and acceptance in all of their relationships. We do not judge you for your beliefs or actions nor do we believe that you should judge your friends for their beliefs or actions. We feel there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ (Yes, we know that many will disagree with us on this…).

Each of us has our own ‘perception’ of what is right and what is wrong. That perception is different for everyone and will very likely change over the years. There are groups of people with similar perceptions and beliefs – i.e. the various major religious and political organizations.

Swinging is simply another belief system…

There are some very good relationship ideas that we can all take from the swinging lifestyle. Swingers believe that their partners have enough love to go around and that it’s OK to share one another sexually. They do not confuse love with lust as many couples do. They understand that it’s perfectly natural for their partner to be physically attracted, and maybe even want to have sex, with someone else. It does not in any way threaten their relationship or love for one another.

That said…

Sex Poll – Is It OK to Have Sex During That Time of the Month?

Dan and Jennifer — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 16:06:57 +0000

Is it ok to have sex during that time of the month?

This post was sparked by a question that we got from a good friend of ours. He asked us if it was OK to have sex with his girlfriend during that time of the month.

Our immediate reaction was "Why are you asking us instead of your girlfriend?" This is a topic that you should discuss with your partner, not your friends – unless of course your friends are having sex with your partner .

While we may joke about it, this is a question that a lot of people, men especially, would like to know the answer to. If you ask 10 different people, you’re likely to get 10 different answers.

Men and women are often at odds over this seemingly simple question.

Some guys think it’s icky; others can’t go a whole week without sex and couldn’t care less.

Some women want nothing to do with a man during that entire week, and others can’t get enough.

We’ve certainly tried it, but it’s not our favorite time to have sex. We do however; really enjoy the week and a half that comes right AFTER that week.

Now that you’ve heard how we feel about it, we want to know what you think.

Take the Poll and Then Leave a Comment to Tell Us Your Thoughts!

Is He Really Over His Ex-Girlfriend? How Do I Know for Sure?

Dan and Jennifer — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 15:01:39 +0000

The Question:

I’ve been dating this guy for 3 years, and just found out from his ex-girlfriend that in the first year of us dating he was still sending her flowers, and making CDs of songs that made him think of her. She broke it off for good, and the last 2 years he has been with only me, but he has never gotten me flowers, or even made me a CD, and I don’t think I’d even want it. After finding out what he did the first year of our relationship, I feel like if she would have came running back into his arms he would have left me for her.

Now he tells me he only loves me and wants to be with only me, but as far has being romantic to me, that will never happen, for he did it in the past and it didn’t work, so I just have to love him for him, and not for what he did for her. But I’m like we have been together for 3 years now and you have never gotten me flowers or anything, and he told me it was something between them, and it would only bring up old memories. What do I do????? I love him so much, but all this really hurts bad… I need some good advice… please help me.

The Answer

This question leaves me with a few questions of my own – Is this really about the romance or the fact that you’re not sure if he’s truly over her? Maybe you feel that he doesn’t love you as much as her and that the ‘romance’ would prove his love to you? – Just a few questions to ponder…

It sounds like your boyfriend was not over his previous girlfriend when the two of you decided to get serious, but claims that he is now. This can be a tough one because he never really gave himself time to heal and let go of the previous break up which could result in him carrying around this baggage for a very long time.

Dealing with broken trust

Open communication and honesty are the two most important components of a successful relationship. You have to honestly know in your heart – If his ex-girlfriend called him up tomorrow, would he leave you for her.

He broke this trust at the beginning of your relationship. If he went around your back for a full year, then I’d be concerned about his commitment now. But only you can really gauge if he’s truly moved on.

However, let’s remember that 2 years have passed. People change, feelings, and emotions change. And they tend to change all of a sudden, when the time is right for each person. So while he may have been dishonest with you for a very long time, he may be perfectly committed to you now.

Open and honest communication from this point forward will be critical to the relationship – especially since the trust has already been broken once. Ask him how he honestly feels – you’ll have to be very careful to do this in a trusting, open, and non-threatening way. Otherwise, he’ll just shut down and not talk to you. You also have to be prepared for what you are going to hear – it may not be what you want or expect.

Listen to your heart

Down deep, you know if he’s really and truly devoted to you and shares your love fully. But the trick here is to listen to what’s really there in your heart, not what you want to hear.

Are you jealous of his ex girlfriend?

An important question here…